#like the anxiety……with everything else I have going on…..and not being able 2 keep these posts off my dash despite following 95% black ppl
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[[and then I met you || ch. 2]]
Series: Daredevil || Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader || Rating: Explicit
Summary:
A one-night stand years ago gave you a daughter and you are now able to put a name to her father – Matthew Murdock. Everything is about to change again as you navigate trying to integrate your life with that of the handsome and charming blind lawyer’s and Matt realizes he needs to protect his new family from not only Hell's Kitchen but from the world.
pt: 1
words: 6.3k
tag list:
@midnightreids @cloudroomblog @yeonalie @thychuvaluswife
@dorothleah @mattmurdocksstarlight @mars-on-vinyl @mywellspringoflife @sleepdeprived-barelyalive @simmilarly @soupyspence @darkened-writer @akila-twt
@murc0ckmurc0ck @groovycass @sumo-b98 @just3rowsing @tongueofcat @zoom1374@theclassicvinyldragon @aoi-targaryen
"Mommy, look!"
Minnie calls out from the living room and you look up from finishing up an invoice. She is plopped on the ground, surrounded by a sea of crayons, proudly holding up her latest masterpiece: a series of different colored overlapping circles. You, as usual, have no idea what you are supposed to be looking at, but that doesn't stop the support you give your daughter.
"That's so good, Mouse. You picked such pretty colors." She beams at you and you return the smile, your heart feeling so full. You love her so much and you want only the best for her and you hope - pray - bringing her father into her life is the right choice.
Your meeting with Matt went so much better than you ever thought it could go. He wants to be in Minnie's life and that makes you nervously excited. You have absolutely no inkling of how things are going to change moving forward, and a huge part of you is terrified but another part can't wait for Minnie and Matt to get to know each other. You keep going over your admittedly short conversation trying to remember all the little tics you saw that reminded you of Minnie. You want to know what else she inherited from him.
You tell yourself those thoughts are for later and force them away so you can get back to work. It is getting close to bedtime and you have a few things to tidy up before you can clock out.
Luckily, Minnie has gone back to her drawing, scribbling away while Scooby Doo plays silently on the television and you are able to work in peace. Ten minutes later, you close out your VPN and leisurely stretch out in your chair, watching your little angel do her thing.
You are worried about her reactions to the change. Unfortunately, one of the things she got from you is your anxiety - your little one's nickname is Mouse for a reason. She is a quiet timid little thing who loves to watch and observe - like a little church mouse. You joke you need to put a bell on her because she can walk right by you without making a single noise. Her quiet nature doesn't mesh well with strangers.
You've been taking her to daycare more, hoping socializing will help, and it has, but that is worth other kids. You don't know how she'll react to a new adult in her life who she would have a more casual relationship with. You have no family and the few friends you have have known her since she was a baby.
Minnie knows what a dad is but she's never asked where hers is and you certainly haven’t brought it up to her.
But now you have to.
You need to figure out what the best approach would be. You know it has to be slow and steady, but you don't know if you should introduce Matt to her as her father or not. The biggest change she's been through is going to daycare and that took ages. She hated it.
She hates being around strangers for extended periods.
Out and about? She is okay. She's shy and likes to hide behind your leg instead of talking to people, but she doesn't complain.
But when she has to sit and interact with someone new? She can get fussy. It's not just her being shy, she gets physically uncomfortable.
She has no problems if it's just the two of you or someone she knows, but strangers? It can turn into a tantrum, depending on her mood.
You've discovered a few methods to make her more comfortable. You have about fifteen pairs of child sized noise canceling headphones, your bag is full of little things to distract her, and she has her Pig.
You think introducing her to Matt where she can sit and color and block him out if she wants is the best course of action and to achieve that, you don't think you can tell her the truth right away. She might feel some pressure to Behave because Dad is an authority figure. Not to mention what she would feel if she started asking questions; like why he hasn’t been around.
She's curious but she's also three and unpredictable.
She could immediately go into tantrum mode.
She could not care at all and want to color instead.
You hope Matt understands all of this and doesn't want to jump right into being a Father.
Whatever that entails.
A change in colors and tones on the television catches your attention and you push yourself away from your desk.
"Okay, sweetie, Scooby is over, time to get ready for bed."
Minnie finishes her scribble then drops the crayon on the ground. You wait as she climbs up into her feet and starts to pick up her mess - her crayons go into a pail one at a time. You don't know what goes on in her mind, but as long as she's doing what she is supposed to be, you don't rush her.
There's no lollygagging with your sweet girl, anyways. Once the crayons are in their bucket, she puts that under the coffee table, then picks up her drawing pad and brings it to you. You scoop her up and start towards the bedroom, as she admires her drawings.
"What do you want to read tonight?" You ask.
"Spot!" is the instant reply and you should have guessed that. You've been reading the same book for over a week now, but you don't mind. You'd rather read the same thing over and over than hunt for something she does want to read for an hour.
Getting ready for bed is something that usually goes smoothly and you are lucky tonight is no different. Minnie is already in her pajamas, so it's just turning down the sheets and getting her all tucked in before you start to read. You keep an eye on the time as you do - you have a half hour before Matt said he would call.
If he does call.
He said he would and you are trying to be hopeful that he will. You've been disappointed so many times in the past - not just by lovers but everyone. People promise to call, to text, to follow up and they never do. They say you can do something together then cancel at the last minute. You are used to that disappointment, but you don't want Minnie to experience that. You want her to feel loved and wanted.
You know it's not fair to Matt, but to you the call is a sort of test he doesn't know he is taking.
Will he call? Will he call on time?
The more you think about the call, the more anxious you get. There's too many thoughts starting to gather.
The meeting could have been a fluke and now that he's thought it over, he doesn't want to be a dad.
Or he wants to be a dad but not with You. What if you are the problem?
"Mommy," Minnie shakes you out of your thoughts, looking up at you with big brown eyes. "Next page!"
You nod and force your focus back to the book, turning the next page and letting your daughter open and close all the flaps that hide different elements to the story while you read. It's hard to get lost in the simple words and story, but Minnie is used to her routine and by the time you reach the last page, she's leaning heavier into your side.
You place the book on her nightstand, trading it for her sleep headband. She tilts her head forward and you help get the band on and snuggly over her ears.
"How's that feel, Mouse?"
"Quiet," Minnie replies, like she does every night, sliding down under her blankets. Her little hands tug at the band so the sleep mask part is over her eyes. You smile, forever grateful your little one likes to sleep. You wait while she settles, then kiss both of her cheeks.
"Sweet dreams, my little angel."
"Sweet dreams, Mommy," she replies, voice full of sleep. You triple check she's tucked in nice and snug and that Pig is within reach, then turn off the light. You leave the door open a crack, just in case, then return to the living room.
There's a small mess leftover from dinner and you start cleaning that up. Usually, after you put Minnie down for bed, you'd enjoy a few hours of television or catching up on whatever you needed to, but after finishing the dishes, you don't know what to do.
There's only a handful of minutes until the promised call time and all you can do is just stand in the kitchen. You debate going to get a notebook so you can keep notes, but you don't want to have the whole conversation about how you want to move forward over the phone. Maybe you jot down ideas of what you two want to cover in person? Matt might have questions you haven't even thought of yet.
You should find a pen and paper. It's better to be prepared than not. You tell yourself that but you still don't move. You just stare at your phone.
As the seconds creep by your throat starts to get tight.
What are you going to do if he doesn't call?
Would it be awkward to call him instead? Or is that overbearing? You don't want to come off as overbearing - that might make Matt view you in a negative light and that would definitely have consequences in his relationship with Minnie. You desperately want that relationship to be good and not be influenced by any issues the two of you might have. You would hate yourself if the reason Matt didn't want to be around Minnie was you.
The thought makes your stomach twist.
You're definitely not going to call him tonight if he doesn't call you. You can send a text in the morning - something with no pressure.
But he said he preferred calls instead of text.
Would a call be accusatory? You feel like a morning call would be accusatory.
You can push it to the afternoon, that would give him time to call in the morning, as well.
You're ripped from your paranoid thoughts as your phone screen lights up with Matt's name. Shock overtakes your system and it takes a moment before you scramble to answer.
You state your name as your greeting, totally trying to pretend you weren't just spiraling.
"Hey, it's Matt.. Matt Murdock."
His words are soft spoken, on the edge of shy, and it throws you. You understand why his nerves would be rattled but you didn't think he'd advertise that. Your brain screams at you to comfort him and you focus on that instead of your own panic.
"Hey…um, how are you doing?"
Matt chuckles into your ear, low and throaty, making the knot your stomach has become loosen a bit, "Adjusting." He pauses a beat, then adds, "I can't stop thinking about you and Winifred…Minnie."
Your cheeks burn.
You can't tell him you haven't stopped thinking about him either - that feels like a very weird thing to admit, even if it is the truth.
You don't know what to say, so your mouth decides for you, blurting out, "I didn't think you'd call…"
"You didn't…?" The undercurrent of hurt in his voice makes you feel like you've kicked a puppy. You quickly backtrack.
"I have a tendency to overthink and get in my head," you say, hoping you aren't coming off like an idiot. "I worked myself up."
You turn your back to the kitchen counter, then slide down the cabinets until you are sitting on the ground. You bring your knees up, using them to prop up your elbows.
"I'm glad you did call," you admit, asking your mind to please stop, "I'm sorry, this is awkward, can we start over?"
"Of course," Matt's voice is soft in your ear, but you can hear him smiling, "Should I hang up and call back?"
"No, no, not that far back," you practically mumble, biting your lip. "How about…was your meeting okay? Can I ask that or is it attorney - client privilege?"
Matt hums, sounding like he's thinking over the answer, before answering, "No, that's not covered. It was pretty standard for that client - whether that means it went okay is up for interpretation. No one is in jail, so I would consider it a win."
You aren't sure what that means, but you want to be supportive. "That sounds like a win."
"What about you, how was your evening?"
The question makes you laugh a little, only because you think you live a very boring life, "Very quiet and calm. No one ended up in jail on this end either."
"So not a family of trouble makers?" Matt asks, a slight tease in his voice.
You smile into your knees, replying with a shy, "No, I'm afraid we're rather boring. I hope that is okay."
"I think it's a win."
Oh, you forgot how charming he was.
He carries on, voice dropping back to a softer tone, "What does a quiet and calm night mean for the two of you?"
You consider the question with a little smile before answering, "We usually start with a nice walk to the park. Minnie likes to play in the afternoon, there's less kids to hog the see-saw."
"She likes the see-saw?"
"She loves the see-saw," you say, smiling at the memory of your daughter on the playground. "She likes to…bounce? The see-saw lets her go high. She's too small for bounce houses, so she gets her fix where she can." Matt huffs a laugh into your ear and you continue on, "After the park, it's standard toddler afternoon stuff. Dinner and a bath. Playtime and television before bed. I work from home, so I usually get a few hours in before Minnie gets put down for bed. Then, um, more work for me. Or paying bills. Online shopping. Adult things I can do from the couch."
"You work from home?" Matt asks and you can't remember if you had previously mentioned that. Your whole previous conversation is now suddenly a total question mark.
"Yeah, um, I work in billing. The company is in international shipping, so time zones aren't really an issue. As long as I log forty hours a week, I can break it up as I want. It makes being a working mom a lot easier." You nibble your lip, unsure about what to really say, so you say the obvious, "You have your own law firm?"
"I do. You met my partners earlier, Foggy and Karen," he sounds proud, just a little bit, and that warms your heart.
"I read about a few of your cases last night," you admit, "The papers said you help a lot of people."
Matt doesn't respond right away, but when he does, you find yourself smiling more. "We try to. People here are getting by paycheck to paycheck, they can't afford a lawyer when their landlords try to push them out so they can get someone in to pay higher rent. They need someone to fight for them, and this is our community - Foggy and I grew up here. This is our city." He pauses and you can picture him scrunching up his brow, "You said you saw the interview last night. You had time to read over our cases?"
Embarrassment courses through you.
"Only what was in the news and I didn't read in depth. I just…" You shrug, even though you are talking over the phone, "I wanted to make sure it was in Minnie's best interest to reach out." You bite your lip again then, wanting to be honest with Matt, you add, "I mean, we only spent one night together and we didn't really discuss…much. I knew you were a lawyer, but you could have been like…a lawyer for some awful celebrity or something. If you were out there and the papers were saying you were vile I wouldn't have just…shown up at your doorstep. Metaphorically. I only have your work address."
"That makes sense," Matt replies and you have the feeling he really does get it, "you want to keep her safe, to keep both of you safe. I'd do the same in your position. Actually…I guess I do need to do the same, because we don't really know anything about each other." He pauses, then teases, "Unless there's news articles about you I need to catch up on?"
You huff at the thought, "No, nothing that I am aware of."
"Then we will have to do it the old fashion way."
"Lunch." The words tumble out of your mouth and you resist the urge to bang your head against the cabinets. "We, uh, mentioned lunch. We could use that as a starting point? Give each other our People Resumes."
Matt laughs a little and it's warm, not mocking. You still bury your face into your knees.
"People Resumes - I like that. I have some pretty good references, if you need."
"I only have the one," you mumble, keeping your face hidden despite being alone. He laughs again.
"I think it's a pretty good one, though."
That makes you smile, "The best one around."
There's a beat where neither of you talk and you wonder what else to add.
"Will she be coming to lunch?" He asks, voice switching from confident and charming to slightly timid. Once again you are reminded of a kicked puppy and it makes your heart ache.
"I would like that," you start slowly and Matt seems to sense you have more to say, as he waits for you to continue. "I wanted to discuss it with you, first."
"Of course," his reply is so eager. "Anything."
"I was thinking…I think it would be best if Minnie gets to know you first before we tell her who you are. It's been the two of us for so long, I don't know how she'll react to a big change. I can introduce the idea to her over time, start talking to her about family and stuff while you two bond?" As you talk, the words start coming out a little faster as your nerves start to come back. "I think telling her up front might make her uncomfortable because like, you'll have a Title and Authority and that would override other things. I don't want to push her into anything she's not ready for yet."
You press your face into your knees and wait for Matt's reaction. You can hear him breathing and the slight clinking of what sounds like ice in a glass and you hope he understands your concerns.
He says your name so very softly and a shiver goes through you. You dig your teeth into your bottom lip and wait for the ax to fall.
"I think that would be a really good way to do things," Matt practically breathes into the receiver.
You squeeze your eyes shut tightly and relief just washes over you. "I…don't want to scare her." He hesitates, then starts in a stronger voice, "did your articles mention that I grew up in an orphanage?" They did and you say as much. "I was older than a lot of the kids and the little ones were scared of that. Scared of being adopted by strangers. I remember being scared of that. I got placed in a few foster homes and I hated being around people I didn't know." He takes a breath and it's a little shaky, "I want her to want me as her father."
Your heart skips in your chest and you bury your face into your knees more. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Matt. You have a good heart, that's what matters. You just have to get to know each other, spend time together."
Matt hums softly into your ear, "Not just her, you as well."
"Me?" You ask, confused.
"You," he repeats. "I want to know the mother of my child. Of course I want to get to know you. You're the most important person in her life."
You just hadn't thought of that at all - your concern has been over Minnie. It completely makes sense that he would want to get to know you. He isn't just now in Minnie's life, but in your life.
You chew on your lips in thought, "Is…um.. Is there anything you'd like to know?"
"How about," he says, after a moment of thought, "the equivalent of what you read about me? That way we are on an even footing."
That wasn't the answer you expected but it makes a bit of sense in your head. You think about what you learned in the papers about Matt Murdock.
You start off by saying where you were born then move onto simple facts, "We moved to Long Island when I was about five and I lived there until I was eighteen. I moved into the city for school - Empire State University. I didn't know what I wanted to do so I got a degree in business. I figured I'd have a good foundation with that, you know? I got a pretty decent job in accounting - I'm still there actually. I uh…am a billing administrator…"
"Your parents?" Matt asks tentatively, like he already knows the answer.
"Gone." You say quietly, but firmly. Your parents aren't something you want to talk about and you hope he understands that. "It is just Minnie and I. And now you..."
"And now me…"
You can hear the smile in his voice and it makes you start to smile.
"I have no idea how to be a father," he admits after a beat.
"It's okay, I didn't know how to be a mother. I'm still learning - I've read stuff and some things don't apply to Minnie. Or the opposite, she does something and I can't find anything that applies? And it's not like I'm just gonna drop her on you and disappear. It's…I want you to be comfortable as well? That's why I think just meeting each other will be a good start. We can go from there? Do little hang outs and stuff and build up, if that's what you want," you know you're starting to ramble but you keep going. "I think somewhere she is comfortable would be good? There's a diner in Hell's Kitchen she really likes - we could meet there for lunch? If she gets too overwhelmed, I can give her something to distract her, but you can still interact with her? She's a bit shy around new people and pressuring her to really…um.. engage might be a lot? A big thing for her is parallel play, so I'm hoping maybe just hanging out around you if she's nervous might help until she's more comfortable?"
You close your eyes tightly, a little embarrassed at your dumping of ideas, but Matt takes it all in stride, giving a curious, "What is parallel play?"
You lick your lips before answering, "Being in the same space, but doing your own thing? Like two kids coloring together but not talking."
"Ah, I got it. I didn't know there was an actual name for that." There's another pause and you can hear ice clinking against glass again. You wonder if you should get up off your kitchen floor and get yourself a drink, but you decide against it. The only thing you should be drinking is water. "What is the diner?"
You tell him the name of the diner and to your surprise, he chuckles, "I know the place. It's on the same block as Foggy's parents' butcher shop. She has good taste."
"When she gets fussy and doesn't want to eat anything, it's something I know she'll always eat. She'll have her own booth by the time she's five."
Matt laughs again and you can feel all the anxiety you had before the call bleeding away. He's been open to everything you've had to say so far and there's been no hint of negative feelings.
Maybe things will be okay.
"She can share Foggy's booth," Matt says, no idea your mind keeps trying to freak out over nothing. "We went there for lunch almost every day when we were working out of the shop."
"You worked out of a butcher's shop?" You ask, thinking you must be misinterpreting something.
"We did," he says, sounding a little sheepish, "I took a hiatus from…everything really and Foggy went to work for another firm. While we were reestablishing, his parents graciously allowed us to work out of their shop."
Part of you wants to ask about his hiatus, but the way he says it gives you a feeling you should leave it alone, so you do. You focus on another aspect instead. "So we've been going to the same diner, we just kept missing each other."
It is sobering to say - the father of your child was always right there, but fate let you skirt around each other for years. It hurts to think about, your mind whispering at you if you had just tried harder to look for him, you would have found Matt. If you had just seen him earlier, how different would things be? What if you had been there at the same time, but you just hadn't been paying attention to your surroundings? It isn't like he knew to be on the lookout for a fling from years ago - how would he have even noticed you?
You wonder if he is thinking the same thing - that you probably missed each other because you weren't paying attention.
"Don't do that," your attention is yanked away from your guilt by Matt's strong voice, "I can hear you thinking, blaming yourself."
"Is it that obvious?" You ask quietly, cringing just a little bit. Are you really such a mess he can tell over the phone?
"You said you overthink and work yourself up. You got quiet, so I assumed and I guess I was right. There's no way you could have known and why would you have been looking there?" He sounds so sure you feel guilty over feeling guilty.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. There's nothing to apologize for."
You bite your lip then force your head up and away from your knees. You should get up and get a drink - change how your body is. Maybe it will help in keeping your mood from dipping back down. You take a breath and start to get up.
"Thank you…um.. What day would you want to meet?" You ask, trying to push past the awkwardness and into another direction. You hear him take a drink and decide you do want some water. You start to look around your living space, trying to locate your water bottle.
You spy it across the room in all its rainbow sticker glory and make your way across the room as Matt starts to speak, "I wish I could say tomorrow, but we have to meet with the D.A. tomorrow and I can't miss it. I hate that I can't miss it. But Saturday? Can we meet Saturday?"
You'd have a day to prepare. You would definitely need a day to prepare. "Saturday is perfect. Is 11:30 okay? That's when we try to have lunch."
"That is perfect," Matt replies, mirroring your own. "Saturday at 11:30."
A giddy little shock goes through you - it's not just an idea anymore. Minnie will be meeting her father and he wants to be in her life. He's eager to be in her life.
You never thought that would be the case.
"Saturday at 11:30," you repeat, just to confirm and because you can. It feels good to say.
"I feel like I should dress to impress," he says with a chuckle and you wonder if he is feeling giddy as well.
"I don't think she will care, unless you have a shirt with a cartoon character she likes on it."
There's a few seconds of silence, then Matt's soft curious voice is back, "What characters does she like?"
The question makes you laugh a little because your little girl changes her preferences at the flip of a hat, like any other kid.
"Right now? Scooby Doo and Oscar the Grouch."
"I don't think I have anything with those characters," he says with an amused huff, "but I'll see what I have."
You bite your lip, then let yourself be a bit teasing, "Do you have a lot of graphic tees?"
There's a long moment of quiet before Matt laughs. It's a deep rumble and you find yourself grinning as you grab your water bottle.
"I actually don't know. I don't wear a lot of t-shirts. I think a few have designs on them - at least a few Columbia ones. I wouldn't put it past Foggy to give me something with a cartoon on it, though," he muses.
"I'm sure she will not judge you on your fashion choices," you point out, "She's three and doesn't understand what fashion is. If she did, I would be in trouble."
"Do you have a lot of graphic tees?" Matt asks, throwing the question back at you. It is your turn to laugh.
"I'm the proud owner of many graphic tees. It's practically the only thing in my wardrobe, top wise. The benefits of working from home."
"Unfortunately, court has a dress code. Or so I'm told. I don't think I've ever read it."
"Jury duty has a dress code," you point out, "It was mostly show up clean and not in athletic wear. I didn't get a good look at the lawyers, but I'm pretty sure I remember suits."
"Would you trust a lawyer in a graphic tee?" He asks and you have to pause to think it over.
"Going into their office? I don't think so, unless it was like casual Fridays. But if I met a lawyer in the street on their off day and they had on a graphic tee? I suppose so. Depending on what they are telling me."
"Do you often get your legal advice from random lawyers on the street?" You can practically hear his eyebrows raising up and your cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling.
"Of course not. I get it from Google. I can't afford a lawyer."
That earns you another bark of laughter. "I don't think that will be an issue any longer."
That sets off a little anxiety in your stomach. You don't want to think about needing a lawyer, whether it be Matt as your lawyer or a lawyer against Matt.
He doesn't seem to notice your dip in mood, not that it is particularly obvious, and moves to the next topic.
"Speaking of, I haven't gotten the chance to look at the packet you gave me. It's there anything I need to get done before Saturday?"
You turn your mind away from the thoughts of lawyers and legal battles to something much more manageable: medical history.
"No, no, there's nothing that urgent. It's mostly just medical information - she's got some sensitivities and I want to make sure I'm prepared for anything in the future. The rest is just information for you."
Matt doesn't respond right away and you chance taking a swig of your water.
"Sensitivities…?" There is a thick undercurrent of concern in his voice and you feel a little guilty for making him worry.
"Fabrics and dyes and scents, that kind of thing? I haven't gotten her tested, but certain things just make her itch. Some foods, too. I try to stick to organic stuff and it seems to help a little. It isn't anything major, just a few changes when she lets me know there's something bothering her." You set your water bottle down as you talk, starting to walk around your small living room. "I read it's becoming more common in kids, because all the chemicals and stuff used in everything now. Some of the other moms at daycare have given me tips - laundry soap was the best one."
You are reminded you actually need to do some laundry and as you walk, you grab the various throw blankets littering your apartment.
"I see," Matt says slowly, still sounding concerned. "I actually prefer organic myself, I have some sensitivities as well."
"Any allergies?" You ask. You didn't have any yourself so it has always left you guessing what your little girl might react to.
"No, nothing that I know of. I'm not completely sure about family history, but it is something I can look into."
"I would appreciate it. I'd rather be overly cautious than not have anything," you say casually like you aren't completely obsessive about keeping your daughter healthy.
As you make your way to the bathroom to grab dirty towels, phone between your shoulder and ear, he hums into your ear. "I think that is a good way to do things. I'll try to get the information back to you as soon as possible."
You don't want to chide him, but you can't help but frown a little, "Matt, you don't need to rush. I…was worried you wouldn't be…interested. That is why I put the packet together. I thought you'd want to deal with that instead of going to a doctor's office?"
"I'll go with you to the doctor's," he says instantly, "And I'll fill out the paperwork. It's something I want to do."
You can't argue with that because you would be the same way. Still, you push, "I don't need it by Saturday. Please take your time?"
"Ok," he concedes but it feels like he is only doing so to appease you. But you will take it.
You dump your laundry into the basket stored in the hallway with a little grunt. Almost immediately Matt is saying your name and asking if you are okay.
"Yup, yup, just trying to get some cleaning done while I can. Sorry for doing that in your ear."
"Do you need to go?"
Your heart pangs with guilt at the question. You can feel the disappointment through the phone and you're quickly reassuring him, "No, I'm just picking up a few things, tidying up, you know. I will try to not -"
You are cut off as the door to the bedroom pushes open and Minnie shuffles out. Her headband is pulled down around her neck and she's rubbing at her eyes with one hand, the other limply holding Pig. You only just put her down so you are instantly concerned.
"Mouse? Is everything okay?"
Matt says your name again, "what's going on?"
You ignore him in favor of going to your daughter. She holds up her arms and you scoop her up, cradling her to your chest.
"There's a monster outside," Minnie mumbles, burying her face in your neck.
"There's a monster outside?" You confirm with her, still speaking into your phone.
"A monster?" Matt repeats, clearly confused, as your little one nods against you.
"Okay, let's go check," you tell her, before finally answering the questions coming through the speaker, "Something woke Minnie up. I'm sorry, I do think I need to go now."
"Is everything okay?" Matt sounds worried and something stirs in your chest at his concern.
"It will be, we just need to go tell a monster to go home," you say, gently bouncing Minnie in your arms to soothe her, "Isn't that right, baby? We gotta tell him to go home."
She nods against you again, parroting in a sleepy little voice, "Go home."
You hear some rustling on the other end of the phone, the clicking of a door opening and the rush of wind. Matt must have stepped outside.
"Are you sure?"
His distress is sweet, in a way. You remember being terrified of every little upset when Minnie was a baby, but now you have gotten your groove.
"Yeah, we will be okay. It's just gonna take a bit to get her back to sleep," you say, carrying her into the bedroom. "I'll…um..we'll see you on Saturday? At 11:30?"
"Saturday at 11:30," Matt confirms. "I…" he trails off, then clears his throat. "Have a good rest of your night."
"Good night, Matt."
Minnie mimics you again, mumbling, "Good night, Matt" just as you hang up. You wonder if he heard it, or if it was cut off.
You hope he did.
You drop your phone off on the bedside table and bring Minnie over to the window. You are a few stories up and your bedroom overlooks an alleyway, as most do in the city. You hold your toddler with one arm and carefully unlock the window to open it about halfway. On the windowsill, there is a yellow mini spray bottle, covered in stickers like everything you own - you pick it up and offer it to Minnie.
She takes it, turning her little body to face the window. She aims it at the window screen and squeezes the trigger, sending out a little stream of Monster Repellent.
"Go home, Monster," you say together. She gives another squirt before looking up at you.
"Is it gone?"
"Give him a few minutes and he'll be gone," you promise, taking the spray bottle and putting it back in its spot, "He's gotta pack up his Monster Suitcase before he goes home, but he won't bother you."
She flops her head back down on your shoulder as you turn to bring her back to bed.
"Do you want me to stay until you're asleep?" She makes an affirmative little noise
You start the process of tucking her back into bed with Pig, kissing her forehead before helping to pull up her noise canceling headband.
"Good night, Mouse."
"Good night. I love you, Mommy."
"I love you, too, baby. Sweet dreams."
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comfort & chaos | carmy berzatto x fem!reader | chapter four: 2/22/22
summary: carmy receives bad news that changes his life forever, while you're relationship with him comes to a head. (the five times carmen berzatto fell in love with you a little and the one time he finally told you)
warnings: explicit sexual content (18+ only), death, grief, mentions of suicide, no use of y/n, she/her pronouns, drinking & smoking, suggestive language
word count: 5.5k
listen to: hurting kind - del water gap | robbers - the 1975 | hostages - the howl & the hum
a/n: i need therapy after writing this. so sorry bbs love you all. ok but fr, i thought that i was going to write a smut scene that was not going to be hot bc we know it's canon that carmy does not fuck and then it ended up being really hot and i'm once again asking for therapy.
read: chapter three
2/22/22
Something happened. Can you come over?
That’s all the text said. It’s all that needed to be said for you to drop everything you were doing and hop on the subway. Your heart is pounding in your chest as you imagine every single worst case scenario possible. Carmy had given you little context in regards to what this was about, and you almost regret not asking as your mind runs rampant with possibilities. Not that he would’ve given you an answer. Something about him seemed different. He’d never sent that urgent of a text.
Not even when the restaurant was slammed and he needed you to come in on your day off.
Something happened.
The words continue to echo in your head until you reach him.
You're at Carmy’s doorstep faster than you ever thought your feet could carry you, and when he opens the door for you, your heart breaks. He’s wrecked. His face is a flushed red, though you don’t think it’s from crying, and he looks like he hasn’t washed his fuckin’ hair in days. You take in his somber expression, like all of the joy he’s ever experienced has been sucked out of him.
Carmy steps aside, allowing him into your apartment.
He mumbles something you can barely hear, gesturing towards the couch, so you follow him, taking a seat on the crappy couch you’ve come to love. He stares at the floor, his eyes cold and empty, as you sit in silence.
It’s you who breaks it, bursting at the seams with anxiety.
“Carmy, you’re scaring me,” you say softly.
He keeps his eyes fixed on the floor as he licks his lips, swallowing as he opens his mouth to say something. It’s a few moments later that he’s finally able to put two words together to tell you what happened.
“It’s Michael,” is all he manages to get out. You can hear the break in his voice when he utters Michael’s name, and you’re terrified of what he’s going to say next.
“Your brother?” you ask, secretly hoping he won’t say yes.
You feel your stomach drop.
Carmy nods slowly, “Yeah.”
He takes a few beats before saying anything else, his head swimming. On one hand it doesn’t feel real, and if he doesn’t say it out loud, maybe it won’t be. There’s a part of him that still thinks this is some cruel, sick joke that Mikey cooked up, just to fuck with him.
But he knows it’s real. He could hear it in the way that Sugar’s voice broke on the phone. He could hear it in the way that Richie practically screamed at him to stop being such a fuckin’ cuck and come home. He knows it’s real, because for the first time in years, his mom’s called him.
Must be Sugar or something calling from her phone for her…. ‘S gotta be, he thinks to himself.
“He’s-,” Carmy starts, before stopping again. Carmy looks away, in the opposite direction of you, focusing his eyes on something outside of the window.
He can’t look at you because if he looks at you, he might lose it.
“He’s dead.”
“Oh Carmy,” you gasp, your heart wrenching in your chest as the words leave his mouth. You reach out to touch him, but he flinches, pulling away from you.
“No,” is all he says through gritted teeth.
You cannot touch me. You cannot make me feel better about this because I’ll have to feel worse about this, is what he wants to say.
“The fuckin’ asshole shot himself on the State Street bridge. I don’t-, you don’t get to make me feel better about this,” he snaps, his tone almost a warning.
“Fuck,” you sigh, sitting up straight and leaning towards him. He may not want your comforts, so you’re going to give your presence. He had asked you to come over after all, right? “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he says, coldly.
His response is jarring, leaving an unsavory taste in your mouth. You understand that he’s just gotten the most unimaginable news, but it doesn’t sit right with that he’s taking it out on you either. Is that why he invited you over? To be his punching bag? Instead, you decide to pivot to crisis control-mode, hoping to remedy some of the animosity he’s harboring.
“Okay, well, I’ll call Kate and let her know that you can’t come in tonight, if that helps. Just so you don’t have to-,” you suggest.
“Why would you fucking do that?” he yells, snapping his head towards you as he finally turns towards you. You can see it in his eyes: how angry and devastated he is – at Michael, at what happened – and even though you know it’s not personal, it stings all the same.
“Because!” you shout back. “Carmy, you just found out-... something terrible. I just don’t think you should-.”
“Yeah, well you don’t get to tell me what to do. You’re not my mom and you’re not my girlfriend so,” he’s quick to retort, rebelliously.
You scoff at him, shaking your head in utter disbelief.
“You’ve got some fucking nerve, Carmen,” you cut him off with a yell. You know he’s hurting, but this is where you draw the line. “I’m well aware that I am not your girlfriend, but I am your friend, and I care about you.”
You’re right.
He knows you’re right.
He knows he’s being a dick, but it’s like he can’t stop his own rage from spilling out sideways as yells:
“Well, if you don’t want to be here, then get out!”
“Stop it!” you cut him off, venom in your voice.
Carmy looks at you, his bloodshot eyes wide with utter despair.
“You called me, Carmy. So shut the fuck up and let me fucking help,” you lower your voice, bringing the confrontation between the two of you back down.
With his eyes fixed to the floor, his mind zoning out to numb the pain, he manages to get out, “I don’t want to-. I need to go to work tonight.”
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” you plead softly, yet firmly.
“Yeah, well, you don’t get to make that decision,” he dismisses.
He’s right. You don’t.
“Yeah, okay,” you sigh, giving in.
It’s a horrible idea – for Carmy to go into the restaurant – but you know he’s going to do it anyway.
“What can I do for you in the meantime?”
“I just-, I don’t think I can be alone right now,” he mumbles, averting his eyes once again. “Can you just like… sit here with me? Till we gotta go?”
“Yeah.”
The afternoon passes slowly, and you feel like the both of you have been lit on fire – only a matter of time before you burn his whole place down. As you’re getting ready to leave, Carmy sprints into the bathroom, emptying what little contents he has in his stomach into the toilet. You’d been aware that he’d been having some trouble – throwing up before work – but he’d refused to see a doctor. Another decision he’d made clear wasn’t yours to make. What you weren’t aware of was that it had gotten this bad.
Like you’d imagined, going into the restaurant had been a mistake. It hadn’t taken long for Carmy to blow up at a line cook, mid-shift, over an undercooked duck breast. Sure, it was a big mistake, but Carmy had sent the line cook home after making a very public example of them. After the event, Tim had urged Carmy to take a break, offering to expedite for a few, while you rushed him into the walk-in.
“Hey! You can’t do this shit. Not here. These people look up to you!” you chastise him.
“He’s a fucking idiot! How do you undercook a fucking-,” Carmy yells, his face twisted into a look of disgust.
“Carmy!” you shout, stopping him mid-sentence.
You both know this is not about the duck breast.
You share a moment of silence together, the cold of the walk-in leaving goosebumps on your skin. You lower your voice, a quiet and intentional demand leave your lips as you instruct:
“Listen, I’m going to give you five minutes to fuckin’ lose it in here, and then you’ve gotta pull it together and finish dinner service, okay?”
He nods in response, his lips pressed together in a thin, tight line. You watch him pace a few times, before he clutches at his chest, his breathing becoming more uneven.
This is why coming in had been the worst idea ever.
“Carmy, are you o-?" you start, genuinely worried about him. You feel like your head is spinning. Carmy is losing control and all you can do is watch.
He holds out a hand, as if to stop you from coming any closer, so reluctantly, you leave him to it, closing the door behind you. The sound of empty storage containers being thrown across the walk-in fills your ears, as you close the door to the walk-in behind you. You feel like your heart is caught in your throat and watching him go through this is more painful than you could’ve ever imagined. You take a deep breath before returning to your station, keeping your head down for the rest of the shift.
Dinner service is pure chaos as Carmy undulates from unbroken focus to volatile and unpredictable throughout making the evening hell for the rest of you. The tension is thick, and it’s as if everyone is walking on eggshells around him, more so than normal. By the time it’s over, you insist on walking Carmy home. You make a stop at your favorite deli near his apartment to pick up a quart container of matzo ball soup on the way.
“You gotta eat something,” you encourage, the silence in his apartment deafening.
You’re met with silence as he stares blankly at the table in front of him, his spoon dipped into the soup. Instead, you sit with him, watching him take a few sips of the broth, while the actual food in the soup goes untouched. He doesn’t have the stomach for it.
He doesn’t know if he has the stomach for this either.
All of this. Any of this.
You eventually give in, packing up the soup to put in the fridge for another day, even though you know he’ll probably just toss it when you leave. Just when you think it’s time for you to go, he stops you with the most tender touch to your arm, as he asks:
“Stay?”
His eyes are watery, and although he’s going to let himself cry yet, he looks more vulnerable than he’s looked all day. How could you say no?
“Yeah,” you agree.
You change into one of your favorite t-shirts of his and the pair of sweatpants that he always seems to give you as you get ready for bed. He doesn’t even wear them anymore, as if he knows they’ve become your favorite… as if they’ve just become yours. You spend the evening with the TV on, not talking, just sitting in each others’ company. You watch as he smokes a cigarette inside, stress-running a hand through his slicked back hair from his shift earlier.
Tonight feels heavy.
Tonight is heavy.
Before bed, you fill up a glass of water for him, before placing it on his bedside table. Carmy lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling, as you crawl into bed with him.
He’s too afraid to his close his eye, because if he closes his eyes he’ll picture it: the State Street bridge, Michael….
How could he? he thinks to himself, the bitter taste of betrayal welling up at the bottom of his throat.
You close your eyes, trying your best to fall asleep next to Carmy – something that feels like an impossible task when you can practically hear him thinking out loud beside you. Instead, the two of you just lay there, frozen in silence. You’re not sure how long you’ve been doing it for when you feel Carmy shift closer to you.
He turns to you so tenderly, practically folding himself into your body, earning the smallest gasp of surprise from you. You’ve never seen him like this as he buries his face into your chest, his body shaking against yours. It’s then that you realize he’s crying, and you know it’s highly likely that this is the first time he’s cried since he heard the news.
“Carm?” you whisper, unsure if he wants you to acknowledge it or not.
“Carmy.”
But he doesn’t respond. He just cries.
So you let him.
“I’m so sorry, Carm. I’m so sorry,” you whisper, over and over again.
You stroke his hair, wanting nothing more than to ease the pain of your best friend, but you know there isn’t much you can do. Instead, you let him cry, running your fingers along his scalp and through his delicate curls, desperate to give him any kind of comfort you can. This is breaking your heart. You fight the tears coming to your eyes because this is so not about you right now.
Carmy’s body shakes against yours as he finally lets go, surrendering to the huge waves of pain and grief that crash and pull him under. He feels like he’s being taken under a riptide, never to see the surface again. He knows he’s been wildly unfair to you and as he weeps against your body and he’s not sure what he’s done to deserve someone like you.
Someone who chooses to say, even when he’s being a dick.
Someone who cares enough to fight with him.
Someone who cares for him like this.
When he finally looks up at you with bloodshot eyes and swollen lips, all he can think to do is to kiss you.
It catches you off guard as he surges forward, pressing his lips against yours, that for a moment, you let him.
But reality hits and you’re afraid he’s gotten too carried away, swept up in a moment of grief.
“Carmy, stop it. You’re not-, you’re not okay right now,” you murmur, pushing him away.
He leans his head against your chest again with a sigh, letting out another sob, almost as if he’s given up on the idea. You feel like he’s put you in an impossible position. You’d have been lying if you said you didn’t want to – hadn’t thought about kissing him before – but this felt wrong. He was vulnerable, and you know you’ll both regret it in the morning.
“I’m sorry, Carm,” you apologize quietly. “I just feel like-, well I’d feel like I'd be taking advantage. I don’t think we should.”
His silence only makes you more nervous, beginning to over explain yourself.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. I-, I do. I just… I don’t want you to regret it because… because you’re upset right now and cause you more-.”
“Please,” is all he says, cutting you off mid-sentence. With the way he’s looking at you, like you’re the sun, the moon, and you hang the stars, you’re not sure how to say no.
Carmy leans in to kiss you once more before whispering mere inches away from your lips:
“Please.”
He presses his lips against yours again, immediately regretting his past self for not doing this sooner. He’s never tasted anything sweeter than you, and the way you kiss him back seems to bring all thoughts flooding his brain to a halt.
In between kisses you manage enough self control to stammer out, “Are you- are you sure? Is this really what you-?”
“Yes,” he replies, as if it’s a declaration.
“I’ve wanted this for so long. Just-, please,” he pleads, murmuring your name into the soft kisses he begins to leave across your collarbone. “Just wanna feel good.”
“Just wanna feel good,” he repeats.
You surrender, letting go of your own ambivalence as you focus on the way his lips feel against your skin. It’s then that you realize what absolute fucking idiots the two of you had been for the past few years by ignoring this thing between the two of you. For a moment, you’ll tear down the walls, the rigid boundaries that you’ve kept to help you compartmentalize your relationship with Carmy.
There’s no possibility of hiding from it when his body feels this good so close to yours.
The truth is that you are fully, wholly, and stupidly in love with each other.
“Yes,” you parrot.
With your confirmation, his mouth is back on yours, as you’re pulling him on top of you, deeper into your shared passionate liplock. He wonders why he’s denied himself the pleasure of having you, for this goddamn long. His tongue slides against yours, a tender hand moving up to cup your face. The way his name sounds tumbling out of your mouth sends him into a frenzy. It feels absolutely intoxicating and he can’t get enough.
Carmy’s hands begin to wander, fingertips sliding at an experimental pace underneath the hem of the t-shirt you’re wearing. You shudder against his touch, gasping as you anticipate where this is going.
Carmy raises his head to look at you, not sure if it’s a good thing or not.
“This okay?” he asks you, concern evident in his voice.
“Yeah,” you nod, giving him permission. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” he whispers.
And then he’s kissing you again, dragging calloused fingertips up and down your torso underneath the shirt, hesitantly making their way to where they’d like to be. You’re not wearing a bra, he realizes, as his fingertips find soft, supple skin at the rounded bottom of your breast. He follows the shape of it, before bringing a cautious palm up to grab hold of the fullness of your breast. You arch into his touch, encouraging him further. Carmy takes his time exploring your body, giving you the lightest touch as his fingertips graze your nipple.
“Can I take this off?” he questions, only willing to move forward if you say yes.
You nod, breathlessly, “Please.”
You watch as he sits up, pushing the hem of your shirt up over your breasts, revealing your bare body to him. He has to hold back a groan, swallowing hard.
Carmy stops what he’s doing, in pure awe of you, as he marvels at you. He can’t believe this is real: that you’re here, laying in his bed, allowing him to do the things he thought could only live in his head.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” are the words that tumble out of his mouth and you think you may cry.
“Touch me,” you whisper desperately, begging him to come back to you.
“Touch me, Carmy.”
Carmy lays his body over yours, and you spread your legs wider, allowing him to fit perfectly between them. He begins to roll his hips against yours as he returns his attention back to your bare breasts. He drags his fingertips over your erect nipples, following his touch with his mouth.
He practically groans as he wraps his lips around one of your nipples, earning a strangled whine from you as his hot, wet mouth engulfs you.
“Carmy,” you moan, arching into him.
He’s rolling his hips against your clothed core on pure instinct, as he takes his time, now exploring unfamiliar territory with his lips and his tongue. You find a good rhythm as he continues to drag his mouth over you, grinding your hips into his underneath your remaining clothes. He’s surprisingly good at this – something you hadn’t expected considering he’d let you know he didn’t have much experience when it came to dating. You assumed that that meant sexually as well.
As Carmy moves to your other breast, you feel one of his hands snake under the elastic waistband of your sweatpants, lifting his hips so he can feel you. You know you’ve soaked through your cotton panties from the anticipation, and it goes right to his dick as he feels just how wet you are. He doesn’t have much experience with this, but he’s seen in porn. He begins to rub circles across your clothed core, while he busies his mouth with exploring your other breast.
But he’s not quite where you want him.
“Wait,” you say, stopping him.
Had he just gotten caught up in the moment?
Did you not want to go this far?
“Did I do something wrong?” he asks you, a concerned tone in his voice.
“No,” you’re quick to reassure him, shaking your head. “No, I just-.”
Instead of explaining, you reach down to grab his hand, guiding him just a little higher up to your clit. He presses the rough pad of his index finger against it, finally touching you where you need him, gasping to let him know that he’s found the right spot. His eyes are locked on you, watching your face change as the new spot you’ve shown him brings you more pleasure than he could’ve imagined.
He practically groans into your mouth when he hears the way you whine his name, and he swears he’ll do anything to hear you say it again.
“There?” he asks you, rubbing tight circles across your clit.
“Yes,” you pant, growing wetter with every touch.
Carmy pulls away just for a moment, daring to touch you underneath your panties. You’re so wet for him, and he thinks he may lose his mind as he slides his index finger in between your folds curiously.
“Take them off,” you practically demand.
“Hm?” he hums, lost in the way you look at him with hooded lids and pupils blown out with pure desire.
He’s never been this guy.
The guy that gets the girl.
He never knew he could feel like this guy, but here you are, begging him to undress you.
“I said take them off,” you repeat yourself, more desperate this time. You take a lighter approach with what you say next, the smallest giggle in your voice. “And while you’re at it, we gotta get you naked too.”
“Yeah,” he says, with the kind of conviction he’d say ‘heard’ with.
He’s stripping off his shirt, and you’re sliding your pants and underwear off with him.
“I have a condom in my emergency kit,” you say, the both of you busy shedding your clothes.
“Yeah?” he asks you, relieved to hear it. He hadn’t thought that far yet.
“Yeah, hold on,” you reply, getting up from the bed.
Carmy thinks he may pass out as he watches you stand, giving him a full view of your naked body. You disappear only for a moment, before returning with the small emergency kit you always keep in your backpack. It’s equipped with all the ‘just-in-cases:’ tampons, panty liners, safety pins… condoms. You pull out a single condom before returning to the bed. Carmy’s kneeling on the bed, and you mirror his body language, doing the same.
“What would you like to do?” you inquire softly.
As turned on and hot for him as you are, you want to make sure that he still wants to do this. He finds himself surprised at your question, not sure how to answer it.
“Think we can just pick up where we left off?” he asks you.
“Yeah,” you reply.
You place the condom down beside you on the bed, before leaning in to press your lips against his again. He inhales as you kiss him, his tongue immediately sliding against yours as one of his hands goes to the back of your head, pulling you closer to him. He’s surprised as you pull away from him, beginning to leave hot, open mouthed kisses down his neck, his chest, and he hisses in anticipation as run your hands down his muscular abdomen, following with your mouth.
“Hold on, I uh-,” he stutters out, as he anticipates where you’re going with this.
You pause, sitting up tall as you kneel, your body across from his.
“I just uh… if you do that, I don’t know if I’ll last long,” he admits, a blush running across his cheeks.
“Yeah, no. Totally cool,” you reassure him, before crashing your lips against his once again.
As you tangle your tongues together once again, Carmy begins to lead you down towards the bed, pushing you back, and climbing on top of you. He still has his sweatpants on, so you begin to bring your hands down to them. He hisses as you cup his rock hard erection, pleasantly surprised by what you feel.
“Wanna take these off?” you ask in between kisses.
“Yeah,” Carmy nods, sitting up for a moment.
You wait with baited breath as he strips his sweatpants off, wondering if he’s as thick as he feels. You’re practically pulsing, squeezing around nothing as you finally see him, Carmy, your best friend, fully naked.
God, he’s beautiful.
How had you not noticed how physically attractive he was?
It’s not that you hadn’t noticed. It’s that you hadn’t let yourself think about it.
You reach over to where you left the condom, handing it to him. Carmy takes it, a blush running across his cheeks as he rolls it on, still in disbelief that you’re about to do this. He returns to you, laying his body over top of you as you space for him once again between your legs. He’s hesitant to give you his full bodyweight as he gives you a long, passionate kiss. And before he knows it, you’re reaching down to stroke him, and he’s thrusting into your hand, his breath becoming heavier and heavier.
You feel him as he presses his tip against you, rubbing it up and down before pushing into you. You both gasp as he gives you shallow thrusts, testing the waters, thrusting deeper into you with each one.
He pauses, exhaling as he’s fully inside of you. You’re pulsing around him, practically causing him to lose his mind with the way you feel alone.
“Fffffuck, you feel good,” he moans, trying not to cum right then and there.
He begins giving you shallow, hesitant thrusts, unsure of himself. He wants to make you feel good. And he’s also terrified that this is going to end before it’s even properly started.
Carmy stops again, pausing within you.
“Sorry, I just-.”
“No, it’s okay. Take your time.”
He’s nervous. You can tell he’s nervous and that he’s trying not to cum.
“How about… I take control?” you suggest, hesitantly. “And that way, if you need me to stop we can um… well, you can just tell me.”
“Uh… yeah,” he agrees with a nod. “Sure.”
Clumsily, the two of you switch positions, making sure he knows you’re okay with this. As he lies on his back, staring up at you, you straddle his hips, giving him the smallest smile. You reach down, guiding him into you once again. You gasp as he fills you, his thick cock stretching you, especially in this position. Carmy’s hands go to your hips as he watches you take him.
“You feel really good too, Carm,” you finally say, your hands moving to his chest to brace yourself as you begin shifting your hips forward and back at the most unbearably slow pace.
Carmy thinks he must be dreaming as he watches you ride him. His hands slide over your hips, wrapping around your body so that he can touch your butt. He’s practically digging the pads of his fingers into your hips as you begin moving over him at a faster pace.
“Shit… you’re really good at this,” he groans, as you lean down to kiss him.
You giggle against his lips, and whatever thoughts he has in his head disappear. Carmy begins thrusting up into you, his hands on your hips encouraging you to move a little faster as you kiss him. You’re moaning his name, whining as you feel every single inch of his cock slide against your walls, becoming more and more breathless by the minute. Your gasps turn into moans, getting higher in pitch as you go. His hands are guiding your hips, taking some control back as you grind against each other.
“Carmy,” you cry out as he thrusts his hips hard into you. “If you keep doing that, I’m gonna cum.”
“Yeah?” he asks. You nod, breathless, as you bury your face into his chest.
He holds your hips down, pinning you down against him as pushing his hips into yours.
“You wanna switch?” he asks, breathless. “Can I-?”
“Please,” you reply eagerly.
You switch positions once more, and as Carmy guides himself into you again, you can tell he’s much more confident than last time you’d found yourself in this position. You wrap a leg around his waist and he holds you there, beginning to move his hips against yours again. He works his way up to a rapid pace, his face turning red as he does, and you’re writhing underneath his body, whispering the dirtiest things into his ear with every single thrust.
“Holy shit, Carmy. You feel so goddamn good too,” you praise him. “God, you’re gonna make me cum.”
“Yeah?” he manages to get out in between grunts.
“Yes. Please let me cum,” you beg him, as he hits that spot inside of you, earning another loud cry.
“Don’t stop.”
He’s surprised to learn that he likes it when you beg as he tangles his fingers with yours, pinning you down so that he can fuck you. With your hand in his, so close to your climax, you let slip:
“I thought about this too. I’ve wanted this for so long too, Carmy.”
“Fuck,” he howls as he drives into you, his sole purpose to earn more praise from you. To hear you cry out his name. To give you what you’ve been begging for.
You angle your hips upward so that he can go even deeper, hitting all the way to the back of you. You’re grasping at his back, his arms, his biceps, hanging onto any piece of him that you can as he shudders, letting out the most guttural sounds. You’re squeezing around him, as he takes you to your high. The feeling of you cumming, squeezing around him like your life depends on it drive him wild, and he’s fucking you through it, the feeling of your orgasm bringing him to his.
As you finally come down, you pull Carmy in for a searing kiss.
“Holy shit, Carm,” you say, breathlessly.
“Yeah,” he pants against your lips.
Even if just for tonight, all feels right in the world.
This feels right.
*
The light of day is sobering. Before Carmy’s even had a chance to open his eyes, the events of the day before come flooding in, running in vicious circles around his mind: the phone call from Sugar, Richie screaming at him… and then….
Fuck.
He’d crossed the line with you.
He doesn’t know whether to be mad at himself or devastated that he fucked up, considering he’s sure as hell not going to let himself feel anything about Mikey yet.
Michael.
Michael’s dead.
And he might’ve done the one thing he swore he wouldn’t do – the one thing that he’d been afraid of: that he might just lose you.
As you stir in bed next to him, slowly blinking your eyes open, you turn over on your side. Carmy’s sitting on the edge of the bed and you can see Carmy’s stuck in his head. While you’d let yourself surrender to whatever that was last night, you knew today was different.
“Hey,” is all you say, hugging Carmy’s bed sheets closer to your naked body.
“Um… listen. We don’t have to-,” you begin, searching for the right words. “Let’s just forget about this, okay? I don’t-. You’ve got a lot going right now and-.”
You take a breath. You know the two of you can’t be together right now, even after your revelation last night.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
Carmy swallows, fighting back the emotions that begin to swell in his chest.
He feels sick to his stomach.
But he doesn’t want to do this in front of you.
“Yeah, no. We can… we can just forget it,” is all he gets out, his eyes fixed on the floor.
“You sure?” you question.
He takes a beat before answering:
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
And even with the declaration you’d made – the promise to forget since neither of you could afford to lose each other – things had become different. In the weeks following, your communications with Carmy were less than normal. While you understood he was processing, grieving, he’d withdrawn from you, and it hurt more than you had the words for.
You’d check in, making sure he knew you were here for him if he needed to talk. But he put his head down, working night after night at the restaurant, cold, stoic, and checked out. You worried about him. And you also knew that you both needed some space from each other.
Some days you regret it – sleeping together – and other days, you don’t. You think that maybe everyone had been right about the two of you all along – that this had been inevitable. But it happened under the worst timing, the worst circumstances and you miss your best friend. You wish, in some ways, that two of you could just go back to normal.
read: chapter five
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And no room for error (2/2)
Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x John "Soap" MacTavish x Reader
Word count: 5.7k
Tags: Hurt/comfort, Fluff, Happy ending, Established throuple, polyamory, military inaccuracies, Mental instability, Ambiguous reader
CW: Trauma, Panic attacks, Paranoia/anxiety, Insecurities, (let me know if I missed anything)
A/N: Part 2 is heeeereee, hope you enjoy, I recommend reading the first part first, but I suppose you can read this as a standalone too.
(Part 1)
(Read on Ao3)
-They help you through the recovery process-
It feels like you're drowning.
There's no air left for you in the world. All the oxygen that was reserved for you, has been stolen right out of your lungs, leaving them burning. Everything feels like it's on fire, making you long for the days when any pain you might feel would be so much less.
Someone's arms are around you, but you don't recognize them. All you can feel is the muscle in them, how strong they must be, how easily they could overpower you without leaving a chance to fight back.
They're telling you something, something about being safe, that you're home, that nothing can hurt you. Lies. It's all lies being fed right to you, nowhere is safe, not anywhere has been safe for a long time. The moment you show weakness is when they'll strike, you have to keep it in, keep it together.
But being broken down into a heave of sobs isn't exactly keeping it together. Your hands are clutched against your chest, pulling at the fabric of a shirt that's definitely not yours. The hands that had been circled around your body like a cage, moved to help you pull the shirt over your head and take it off. Leaving your upper body naked, but finally feeling able to breathe, you suck in a large amount of air that almost does the opposite of its intent and makes you cough.
You turn your head away from the world, into the chest of the body that a few moments ago felt so threatening, now turning into a beacon of light that wants to guide you. Their voice fills your ears, no longer muffled and incoherent, but filled with a comforting familiarity.
"There ye go love, ye're alright."
You breathe in their scent, light smell of aftershave and something else that you can't place, but it's familiar it's home. You're home. The realization finally settles itself back into your skull, making your inherent panic slowly make its way down.
When you look up and stare into those beautiful blue eyes, you find an adoration and love that's tinted by guilt and sadness. It makes you want to break down into a sob again, his sad blue eyes and his sad mohawk was making you frown. How can a mohawk be sad? You don't know, it just is right now.
"Johnny…" your voice breaks just as you call his name, you're not even sure what you want from him. For him to let you go, for him to hold you closer, get you something for your dry throat, or to wipe your tears away. Everything feels like a big blob of nothing in your body, something that feels so painful, and yet also feels like nothing at all.
He shushes you quietly, tugging you impossibly closer, encouraging you to cry it out and get it out of your system. You sigh against him, letting your body turn from rigid to soft and malleable, molding yourself against him to get comfortable. Your breathing slows, coming back from your wild state once you realize where you are.
The bathroom lights hit sharply in your eye, making you turn away with a wince. You lay half naked in his grasp, only a towel hastily draped over you, giving you a little decency. Not that it used to be a problem, both your partners had seen you naked too many times to count.
You look towards the bathtub, filled up and ready. It threatened you, looking endlessly deep and ready to swallow you whole. It whispered to you, that as soon as you dipped your toes in, you'd be dragged under, filled around with a black mass until the water would enter your lungs. That no matter how much you tried to rise up for air, someone would be holding you down.
The second sigh you let out is a lot shakier, the panic is replaced with guilt quicker than you can recognize it. Shame creeping across your chest in a prickly feeling that makes you bow you head away from him.
He interrupts you before you can say it, "It's okay, no need to feel guilty." He shifts slightly on the floor, being careful to not move you too much. "Doctor said it would take time, we'll take it at your pace okay," he says in a quiet comforting tone.
"You ready to try again?" he urges quietly, placing a kiss of encouragement to the top of your head. He rests his chin atop your head, patiently waiting for you to gather yourself and give him a response.
When you gently shake your head against his chest, burying yourself into him once more, he merely nods. There'll be time to try again later in the day, all he cares is that you feel safe enough to try again.
The pancakes are coming out weird. Normally Simon would say he's quite good at getting a round shape and a fluffy look, but today the batter and the pan don't seem to be working with him. Maybe it's the stress, but he doesn't want to admit it.
You've been back for a few weeks now, finally back in their grasp, back in their arms where you're safe and where you belong. Though he should be relaxed now that you're back, he's tense in an entirely new way.
He's no longer afraid that you might be dead, but there's a new fear that has taken residence within him. Ever since you got back you haven't been the same, understandably so. You were put in therapy promptly whether you wanted to or not, weekly sessions that you haven't expressed much opinion about yet.
It’s hard seeing you like this, you're eerily quiet way more often, staring off into space, and no matter what you refuse to be in any room alone. It doesn't matter if you're sleeping, showering, or doing nothing at all. The biggest struggle has been on that matter, they support you in every way they can, but they also know how much you hate it yourself.
How you so easily go in a panic if you're left alone in a room, how hard it is to get you back to a state of calm. It's exhausting on your psyche, and they can see the toll it takes on you. It's bad enough they're not keen on letting you out of their sights for long anyway.
Your therapist said that it would take time, but eventually you'd be able to work yourself back to a state of normalcy, and that until then, all that Simon and Johnny could do was give you all the support you needed. And so, they did, no questions asked.
Simon sighs as he flips another wrecked pancake over, the sizzling of the pan getting to him, the noise grating something disgusting in his brain. He tears his eyes away from his deformed child pancakes and looks towards the couch in the living room.
He smiles at the sight of you and Johnny snuggled up on it, fast asleep the both of you. Stray rays of sunlight comes through the closed curtains, painting your cheek and Johnny's chest in a soft golden glow.
Johnny's arms are secured around your waist, holding you close to him, your head on his bare chest listening to his steady heartbeat for something real for your mind to grasp at. You've been sleeping a lot more recently.
Johnny theorized that you're just catching up on sleep, finally being able to rest and recover now that you were safe. Simon thinks that your brain finds it easier to exist when you aren't conscious most of the time. Though he wishes that Johnny's theory is all it is.
Simon knows all too well what it's like to come back from something as traumatic as that. Some days he feels like he hasn't even fully recovered himself from his own past. It's something that still lives with him all these years later, and it kills him to know that it's likely to be a similar journey for you as well.
At least he can give himself the small reprieve in the knowledge that both he and Johnny will be there for you every step of the way, no matter what you might need from them. However, even then it never escapes the back of his mind that it might as well have been their fault that you got taken.
He pushes the thought away just as quick as it arrives, he's already spent so long entertaining the idea, but the facts are also staring him in the face. You had been targeted almost randomly, at least in the sense that it had nothing to do with them or their job. The men had been revealed to have no connection to the 141 or anything even closely related.
More or less, it was one terrible, terrible coincidence.
He flips over the pancake one last time before putting it on the plate with the rest of the deformities. He turns off the stove and moves the pan off the heat, looking over everything to make sure it's alright to leave.
With a sigh he grabs a towel and dries off his hands, walking out of the open kitchen and into the living room. It wasn't any of their choices, this apartment was not the best fit for the three of you, but it was what they could get on such short notice.
Only having you back home for a few weeks now didn't exactly invite mental space to consider apartment hunting. Though Simon knew you wouldn't thrive for long here, you had already expressed your dislike of the bathroom, and of the window placement. It gave him a little hope that you'd be able to go looking with them soon, that they'd be able to get a full new start soon, but for now it was still too early.
He crouches down next to the couch, carefully reaching over to gently caress your cheek. His thumb glides over a forming scar that’s still visible near your ear. His eyes search over your face, watching the way the light falls on your skin, the way your complexion is, the color of your hair. He maps out the way your face looks, the new changes that weren't there before, he wonders where every little new crease comes from.
You haven't spoken a lot about what the traffickers did to you, also understandably so. You said you were working through it in the therapy, but it didn't make them any less anxious about what happened to you.
"Mh…Welcome home Si…" Johnny's sleepy voice ruffs out, quiet and careful to not wake your sleeping form in his arms. He looks to Simon through half-lidded eyes, he swallows through his dry throat, moving just a tad to try and wake his sleeping limbs.
"When d'ye come back?"
Simon let's out a huff of a sigh, a small sound coming from deep in his chest. His hand moves from your sleeping face to Johnny's instead. His fingers gently gliding over the rough stubble, as he watches his partners soft blue eyes get more and more visible as he wakes up.
"An hour ago," Simon mumbles in response "didn't wanna wake the two of ya, made some pancakes though… " he looks towards the opening to the kitchen and winces, "Well I tried to."
"Hm, am sure they taste delicious, like always" Johnny says with a smile on his lips, his eyes closing as he leans his cheek against Simon's hand. It's a moment of bliss for the both of them, their own little cocoon of happiness, all neat and wrapped up with you in the middle.
It doesn't take long before you're stirring as well, sensing both their presences to be awake. Simon retracts his hand when you start moving your head, to make sure you don't bump into him. "Mornin' love" he whispers quietly, leaning in to place a soft kiss to your forehead.
Your lips break into a soft smile, an even softer sigh escaping you as you mumble something back that was probably supposed to be a good morning. Your eyes remain closed for as long as you can stand it, basking in Johnny's warmth and burying your face into his neck, eliciting a chuckle from him.
"C'mon loves," Simon grumbles rising himself back up to stand, hovering over the couch "let's eat yeah?"
The bedroom is dark and quiet, the only noise that could be heard above the ringing tinnitus in your ears would be Simon's heartbeat. You had always loved being smushed between the two, now more than ever it helped you feel grounded, safe.
You had been awake for a while now, softly listening to their breathing, Johnny's soft snoring and Simon's deep air flow. It's comfortable, nowhere else in the world you'd rather be in this moment. You just had one tiny hang-up about it all.
You needed to pee, really badly.
Johnny's arm was firmly draped around your waist, keeping a pressure that you usually liked while he pressed his chest into your back. You could feel his soft breath on the back of your neck, his presence is overpowering alone already, and next to Simon it's always like things are doubled for better or for worse.
Simon on the other hand, wasn't holding onto either of you per se. His arm was draped out to the side, allowing you to snuggle up to him and lay your head on his warm chest, meanwhile Johnny could use his arm as an extension of his pillow.
You could easily wiggle free if you wanted to, but that was the thing. Even though your brain screamed at you to get a move on to the toilet, you knew that as soon as you closed the door to the bathroom it would be screaming for different reasons.
You had a tendency to really hate your brain lately, and a sudden surge of indecisiveness didn't help the subject either. You don't know how long you've been laying here and thinking about getting up.
You had considered waking up Simon, he said you could, if there ever was anything yet your muscles didn't move.
There hadn't gone more than two nights between, before you had another nightmare that would wake you up. They'd always be there of course, either talking you back to sleep with kind words, or if sleep avoided you, they'd take you to the living room to watch a comfort movie, leaving the other to continue sleeping had they been so fortunate as to not wake up.
You felt beyond guilty about it. You knew that their sleep tended to border horrible already, and you certainly weren't helping it. They were exhausted from it, you could see it, maybe even more exhausted than you, and yet they never complained.
With a soft sigh you manage to wiggle free from Johnny's grip, wincing and recoiling every time one of them seemed to be waking up. Slowly but surely, you managed to get out of their hold, and both of them seemingly still asleep.
You could still remember earlier in your relationship with them when it was all still new and fresh. They'd be much more easily woken up by the tiniest movements, always on alert. They still were occasionally when they had just gotten home from deployment, but it didn't usually take long to get them back into that sense of comfort and safety.
The bed creaks as you settle in the end of the bed, crossing your legs and looking towards the little bathroom that's connected to the bedroom. It's right there, maybe if you're quick, close your eyes, hurry and maybe you can be faster than your fears.
Yet not a single muscle in you moves.
All you find yourself doing is sitting there and staring at the door. You've never felt more pathetic than you do now, and it's not even something you can control. Because god knows you wish you could control it, that you could will it away with a flick of the wrist.
Tears press on your eyes, and you snap them shut to stop them from falling. You refuse to cry, not now, not over something that's so stupid to you. You let out a heavy shaky sigh, your hands coming up to rub at your cheeks and smooth out to your neck. You let your head hang low, trying to get your brain to make up its mind.
You freeze when the bed creaks again but not from your movements this time around. You don't need to look back to know who it is, and another sigh escapes you when you feel his burly body mold itself against your back.
His blonde curls coming into view when he buries his head against your neck and places a featherlight kiss to your skin. He still seems half asleep, his body heavy against your back, using you to lean himself against as he processes what's going on.
"Bathroom?" he asks in a hoarse voice, his tongue smacking against his lips to wet them along with his throat.
You nod quietly, not finding it in yourself to answer him verbally, you have no idea what kind of tone would come out from your vocal cords. His arms tighten around you briefly to mimic a hug, his chest humming against your back when he acknowledges it.
"C'mon love," he leans back and rubs the remaining sleep out of his eyes. When he moves out of the bed you don't immediately follow him. Your eyes going back to Johnny as if to check that he's still sleeping, that you didn't ruin both of their cycles this time.
Simon's hand gently cups your cheek, guiding your gaze upwards to meet his own. "He's still asleep, c'mon" his hand moves from your cheek to your arm, hoisting you up to your feet. Once you get steady it moves again to settle on the back of your neck. A soft and guiding grip that he knows helps you relax, allows you to stop thinking about anything, and put your trust in him to get you to where you need to go.
It's a simple thing, not really needed in this context but you appreciate his attention to detail anyways.
You both quietly move to the bathroom so you can do what you need to do. He slowly sinks to the ground with a sigh, leaning up against the white wall while he lets you do your thing. He almost looks like he's fallen back asleep sitting up by the time you’re done.
You slide down beside him, leaning your head against his shoulder before he moves his arm to pull you into his chest. "I'm sorry," you whisper quietly against him, feeling the need to say it over and over again.
"Don't," he stops you quickly, squeezing you closer and placing a kiss to your temple. "You can't help it right now," he sighs and gently runs his fingers over your scalp. "You know that we'll always take care of you right? No matter what you need, big or small it's not a problem," he cranes his neck to look you in the eye.
"I know…" you whisper quietly, "I just feel like I'm ruining everything, nothing has been the same since…well you know…"
"What was done to you was cruel, and completely out of your control dove," he pauses briefly as if to think about the words he's going to say next. "None of it is your fault, a lot of things are different now yes, but it's not changing anything between the three of us, you needing a bit of extra help is not you ruining anything," he reassures you.
You let out a heavy sigh, curling into his body as his hold tightens around you. "It still doesn't feel good," you mumble into his chest, closing your eyes and enjoying his warmth. He had always been a bit of a human furnace.
"I know love, I know" he presses another kiss to your head, "It'll get better though."
A calm quiet settles over the two of you while you rest against each other on the ground. Your hands gently fiddle with his shirt while his own hands tap over your scalp. It doesn't take long before it starts hurting to sit on the hard ground.
"Let's go back to bed…" you suggest with a deep sigh, feeling him nod against you and begin to move to get back up.
You're not surprised to find that Johnny is still fast asleep, having not even moved an inch. He was always such a heavy sleeper when he finally was home, the safety it brought giving his body reprieve he wasn't able to get anywhere else.
Though he didn't fail to notice as you and Simon fell back into bed. He stirred slightly, groaning sleepily as you molded your body to his once again. He pulled you closer, burying his face in your neck and breathing you in.
"Where'd ye go" he asks quietly, his voice breathy and almost incoherent to you. His accent always got thicker around certain times; mornings included. Your back arched as you stretched out and got comfortable in his hold, pressing yourself into his chest while Simon comfortable next to the two of you.
"Bathroom," Simon answers slightly groggy, already feeling the pull of sleep beckoning him back under. Johnny mumbled something in response, but you didn't manage to catch it, already off in your own little world of dreams and sleep wrapped up nice and warm in-between them.
When you finally started getting better, it began looking up again. Both your boys were happy with the progress, and for once, you were too. You still had a long way to go, but small steps, one at a time showed progress. It also helped more of your usual personality come back, and of course not to mention the amounts of complaints you had about the apartment they had temporarily found.
Enough so that they finally decided to look at different listings and get a move on the whole process.
Johnny looked on with a smile, as you quietly went through the empty apartment like a cat on the prowl. It was the fourth place they had been to, each one before you had been unsatisfied with, and though Simon had liked the third place shown, he agreed it wouldn't be enough space.
So far you hadn't had any complaints about this one, it was spacious, had a little more room than the old place, and checked off almost everything in your checklist. As far as Johnny could tell, this could potentially be it.
He could definitely see it, lazy mornings spend in the bedroom, Friday movie nights on the couch, Simon and Johnny baking your favorite cake in the kitchen for your upcoming birthday. It was a life he could envision in this apartment, a happy space that was just for the three of you.
You had disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes now, and it got him curious enough to follow you. He walked over and leaned against the open doorway, his eyes landing on you standing in the middle of the room.
Having sensed his presence, you spoke without bothering to turn around and look at him, "There's no tub." His eyebrows creased, as his eyes scanned the small bathroom. There wasn't a whole lot of space, most definitely smaller than the last place, but not any worse in Johnny's humble opinion.
"An absolute need?" he asks you curiously, making his way over to you and sliding his arms around your waist. You let out a sigh and let yourself lean back against him, feeling his chin come to rest on your shoulder.
"Well, no but…" you chew on your lip while you try to formulate your words, but you never get a chance to finish your sentence.
"Right, I've had enough of this prick let's go," Simon appears in the doorway, his arms crossed and even with the black surgical mask on it wasn't hard to see that he was pissed off. Johnny moved to the side, keeping one hand on your hip as he looked back at his other partner.
"Why what's wrong?" you ask concerned, looking back at his darkened eyes, and crossed arms. As much as you had always enjoyed the muscles on his body, he had a very special way of looking threatening when he was angry.
You quietly went over to him through a few steps, Johnny gently letting you go, only being a few steps behind. "Prick's not worth our time, we'll find a new realtor" Simon grumbles, his stance becoming less standoffish as you come into his space.
His eyes soften as he looks at you, and then Johnny behind you. Whatever the realtor did or said really didn't sit right with him. "What'd he do?" Johnny asks in a tone that's as concerned as your expression.
"Doesn't matter," Simon answers his tone laced with annoyance, "we can find better than this place anyway, no tub." He uncrosses his arms to gesture around the bathroom, your own gripe with the place having no tub wasn't only yours.
"The both of ye really want that tub huh…"
Johnny's chuckle makes you smile, turning around to face him and crossing your arms to mimic Simon moments prior. "Of course, the tub is the most important part," you say cheekily looking over your shoulder again to see if Simon agreed with you.
"Obviously" he backs up you up proudly, watching on as Johnny looked at the two of you like you were ridiculous.
"Well, we better get goin' then, clearly this place would be better burning" Johnny laughs, his infectious happiness making you smile even when he ushers you out of the bathroom. You don't get all the way before you collide with something that might as well have been a brick wall.
You blink twice before realizing that the brick wall was a human, and the human was your realtor. You take a quick instinctive step to the side to get out of his way, but at the same time he takes a step back as well.
"Ugh finally, are the three of you done, I've got other appointments you know" The realtor barely even gets to finish his sentence before he's pushed back by Simon. He lets out a pathetic yelp when he drops his clipboard.
"Now listen here Mark, if you ever as much as look wrong in their direction again, let alone even try to actually insult them, I will personally make sure you never see the light-"
"Oookay, time to go love," Johnny's voice filters through Simons hyper specific threats, his hands resting on your shoulders as he steers you towards the door, leaving Simon to it. Despite your struggling and tries of looking back to call for your partner, you don't get free of Johnny's grip before your out in the hallway again.
"Christ…he's not gonna bash his teeth in again?" you ask nervously, trying to ignore the urge to go back in there and drag him out here. It wouldn't be much use, unfortunately he was a lot stronger than you.
"No of course not…the idiot isn't…well he's not that dumb, I think he's just gotta get the threats out of his system…fucker kind of deserved it," a crooked smile decorates his lips as he gently pulls you closer to him.
"He wasn't that bad…he's probably just stressed" you tried to reason, one hand gripping Johnny's forearm as you leaned into him. You had always been rather seeking of touch, even before what happened, but even moreso now, it always felt nice when they instigated it first.
"Darling he…"
"Okay but still, he shouldn’t get worked up so easily…" you decided on, leaving little room for arguing, not that Johnny ever wanted to on purpose.
"Ah know love…" Johnny sighs, his head perking up when Simon comes back out as well. He had always been a bit prone to anger, most of the time it was a quiet simmer inside him, but occasionally it would bubble out.
It was something he said he was working on, but sometimes you wondered how exactly he was doing that. It usually wasn't a problem, so he probably was in control of it, but it never failed to surprise you how quick he was to go off on someone if they were rude to either you or Johnny.
"We done here?" he asks clearly still in a mood, as he looks between the two of you.
"If you're done chewing his head off" Johnny said in response, knocking his head in the direction of the stairs so the three of you could get a move on. He moved away from you and started making his way to the stairs.
Simon took his place at your side, looking to you with a tinge of concern. "You aright?" he whispers quietly, as if he wasn't the one that had spouted a rather colorful threat to someone else. You let out a small, amused huff, nodding your head yes in the process.
"Yeah, I’m just fine."
"And uhm…how long is it gonna be?"
You're sitting quietly on top of the kitchen counter, your back leaned against the wall behind you as you watch Johnny cook. The new apartment suited you; it didn't take long for you to start decorating it with everything that screamed you. Both Simon and Johnny were happy to see it, it was going really well, until they got called for another deployment.
"Price said it would only take a few days, maybe a week" Simon pockets his phone and crosses his arms. He avoids your eyes like they'd burn him if he looked back, he knew he'd buckle so fast if you were using that soft disappointed look.
You hadn't been happy at all when Price made contact with the boys to let them know they'd be deployed for another mission. Theoretically you knew that they'd have to go back eventually, it wasn't like that part would change, but it still felt so soon.
You had only gotten fully integrated into this apartment for a few days now, and while you had done your best to make it home, it was still new. You didn't like the idea of having to be alone in it for even that amount of time.
Johnny hadn't spoken a word about it yet ever since Simon emerged in the kitchen with the news. Though his silence was a pretty clear indicator of his mood about it. Just moments prior he had been chatting away about everything and nothing, now he was quieter than a mouse.
"Look we don't want to go any more than you want to see us leave, but it's nothing we haven't done before," He moves over to stand beside you, his hand running over your thigh and giving it a squeeze. "I'll help you make a list, so you don't get lost in your head," he adds when your hands lay on top of his.
You both look towards Johnny, observing his movements that have become distinctively sharper. He moves the pan off the heat and turns off the stove, not turning to look at either of you for a good few more seconds.
"Don't ye think it's a bit early…" His nervousness is the first the Simon notes. He knows what he's thinking about, the fear of coming back home to you being gone once again. Simon wasn't too keen on the thought either, but their lives couldn't be stopped completely, they had to return at some point.
"We'll be back in no time, just like usual" Simon tries to reassure, at this point not only you and Johnny, but himself as well. Johnny nods, moving closer to the two of you and settling in-between your dangling legs.
He knows they don't have a choice in the matter, it's their job, it's what they signed up for and they have a duty to fulfill. They upped the security on the new apartment, and they've helped you learn some self-defense techniques, he has to put trust in those and in you. He has to believe that your safe, even on your own.
"Love…d'ya pick a movie yet?" Johnny changes the looming subject that puts dread in your mind, to something less thought consuming. You smile for yourself, turning slightly sheepish as you nod your head yes.
Simon seemingly already picked up on it, chuckling quietly at it "Your favorite?" At your confirmation, he scoffs amused, he didn't have anything against it, but you had been watching it on repeat the last week. He was surprised you were still able to watch it without getting bored, but it was your favorite for a reason.
"Aright love, let's go put it on the TV, let Johnny finish our dinner," he pats your thigh bringing Johnny in for a kiss before stepping away and leading you to the living room. You immediately aim for the couch, plopping down and making it creak a little from the sudden impact.
Your eyes go around to the various decorations and pieces of home you've placed around. You've done anything you can to make it feel like your old place, you knew it wouldn't have the exact same feel, but you could still make this new feeling a good one here.
Simon finds the remote and takes a seat next to you, allowing you to cuddle up to him while he flips through streaming services to find the right movie. Before long Johnny would come in with the food, you'd all watch the movie, talk and joke around before falling into bed, cuddling each other until each one of you fell into deep sleep, safely nestled in each other’s arms.
And even though you knew they'd have to leave on deployment again soon. You also knew that they'd come home safe and sound like they promised, and when they do, just like you promised, you'd be here open arms and warms smile, ready to bring them in to the sanctuary you've built.
#noctmoon fics#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley x reader#john soap mctavish x reader#ghoap x reader#soap x ghost#ghoap#ghost x soap x reader#simon ghost riley x you#john soap mctavish x you#ghost x reader x soap#soap x ghost x reader#ghost x reader#soap x reader
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So after taking some time to clear my head, and letting the wave of relief and closure wash over me, and feeling like someone literally unclogged my brain, I rewatched season 3 of Young Royals, but only finished just the night before I was going away for Easter weekend, so I didn’t have time to write anything.
But now I can finally say this: I liked it much better the second time.
And it wasn’t just the trepidation and anxiety that i had for finding out what happened in the end that kept me from completely enjoying it the first time. It was also that annoying week-long gap that we had to endure before watching the finale.
(I get that they did it for promotional purposes, and it was a lovely thing to be able to have that event for the final chapter, which obviously could only be one chapter, imagine having everyone there for the entire season, everyone watching for nearly six hours… no good.)
That gap, I feel, made it feel like we just landed randomly on an episode that was meant to tie up all the storylines. And of course it is, and of course it still feels that way in regards to some storylines, but wow, what a difference it makes to watch the whole thing as a whole, the way I’ve enjoyed the previous seasons.
I definitely could process it much better the second time around, watching calmly and carefully, and once I jumped straight from episode 5 into episode 6, it definitely felt more cohesive. It felt like it followed the same pattern as the previous seasons, the conflict at the end of episode 5 is very similar in every season, and it felt right.
And the final episode of each season seems to follow a very similar pattern too, except that it shifts a little each time as Wille gains autonomy. In Season 1, the climax was that Wille had to do what the crown said, on the crown’s terms (deny the video, keep August’s betrayal secret, lose Simon), because he didn’t know what else to do, he didn’t have a choice, sad ending. In season 2, he has to do what the crown says (do the speech, play the part of the Crown Prince), BUT he’s doing it on his own terms (telling the truth about the video, being with Simon, even if it means keeping August’s secret), he has somewhat of a choice, bittersweet ending. In season 3… well, it looks like he’s doing what the crown says still… and then he finally realizes that he does have a choice. Sad ending? Nej! He finally gets his happy ending. He has come to terms that the can have a choice.
The second time around, just when we thought we were getting yet another sad ending or bittersweet ending like the previous seasons, it shifted. Plot twist, he’s getting out of the car. Of course there is a lot up in the air (was your first thought also literally “but Wille, you left your bag in the car! You don’t have a toothbrush! You don’t have a phone charger! You don’t have clean underwear!” or are you normal? I am not normal, I have anxiety about things like that), there are many things that will still need to be resolved after the credits roll, but… it felt right.
And of course there are things that got tied up and still felt a bit quick, and things that felt annoyingly left up in the air, but that was precisely what happened each season, things that felt like maybe would get properly addressed the next season, but that’s not how life works. Not everything gets resolved. And it feels a little sadder or more bitter because we’re not getting another season.
But we are. It’s playing in our heads right now. People are writing fanfiction about it. And I can’t wait to absorb it all.
I’m definitely watching the whole season again, and doing a play-by-play analysis like I did for season 2, because I love hyperanalyzing every detail of this show.
Can I just preliminarily warn that I will be gushing about Edvin and Omar, and Nikita and Frida and Malte, so so much? Because the second time watching season 3, I was in awe, true awe, of how good they have all gotten. I mean, they’ve all been incredible from day one, but I feel like there were nuances to their characters this season that highlighted so much how incredible they all are. Particularly my babies, Edvin and Omar, deserve all the awards. Can’t wait to see everything they do.
I will miss them with all my soul. But I don’t have to let go of them yet.
#young royals#young royals season 3#young royals analysis#yr season 3#yr s3 spoilers#wilmon#wilmon endgame
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Page 142
Zaros x Reader
Zaros is temporarily unable to lie.
For the sake of this fic, let's pretend alchemy and potions, etc exist in Zaros' world😭 Also, this gets suggestive towards the end (just a teensy bit nsfw), if you're uncomfortable with that you might wanna stop reading at the marked point or not read this at all!
I may write a second part for this, but I'm not sure. Lemme know if you guys want a part 2! I hope you enjoy! <3
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It was a quiet day, unusually so. That's only because ever since Zaros’ arrival to the palace, a peaceful day has not gone by. His mouth is never closed. He always has something to say and not a care for repercussions. It’s annoying, extremely annoying, and it flares both your anxiety and anger.
Yet, somehow the peace and quiet feels almost wrong. Do you perhaps miss him?
You shake the thoughts from your head. Nonsense. Why would you miss him? Though, it is strange you haven't seen him all day, maybe it would be best if you looked for him. Only for the credit of being an observant host of course, nothing else!
-
You make your way to his door, slightly nervous to knock, but you do so anyways.
...
No answer. So, you knock again.
...
And again, there was no answer which is very unlike him. He may hate your guts but at the very least he’s polite enough to answer his door.
You scan the area for a quick moment, making sure you're all alone in the hallway, then press your ear to the door. How strange, not a soun-
"Can I help you my Earis?", a voice chime behind you.
You shout and turn to face its owner. A palace maid.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you." She bows respectfully, "Are you okay?"
"Yes, yes I'm fine." You sigh and placed a hand to your chest, "You just spooked me. It's alright."
"Apologies your highness. Is there anything I could help with?"
"Uhh no, I was just about to leave."
You swiftly turn to leave, desperate to get away from her. Then you stop at a realisation, maybe she knows where Zaros is.
"Actually," you turn to her, "Have you seen Sarl Zaros today?"
"He was in the garden earlier, my Earis. Though, I have no idea where he is now."
"Right, thank you. That'll be all"
You scurry off, unable to shake the embarrassment you felt. You know she'll keep her mouth shut, after all, if rumours are traced back to her it would cost her quite a lot, but the icky feeling still haunts you mind. What were you even thinking?
-
You find yourself in the garden rather quickly, but there was no sign of his blonde hair or elegant garments. Just greenery and sunshine. That means there's one last place you may be able to find him, the library.
And sure enough, he's there.
You pick up a random book, not bothering to look at the colour or memorise the title, and take a seat across from him.
"Earis, how nice of you to join me." He mutters, barely, as if he didn't want to speak.
"Is it really? Or are you just saying that?"
"It is... nice." He grimaces but swiftly hides it with the books he's reading. Something about potions and remedies, since when is he interested in alchemy?
"Oh uh- I see" you reply awkwardly. One unusual occurrence after the other, he's never outright nice to you, especially when you're alone. He's always giving you an earful of how spoilt and sheltered you are. What suddenly changed?
The silence engulfs you both, he has his head stuck in his book and you, well you're still in shock staring at him.
"Are you going to keep staring?"
"What?" You snap out of your daze.
"You were staring."
"Oh, no I wasn’t! I just zoned out for a moment. Sorry."
A pathetic lie, he knows it too. He doesn't even honour it with a response, or even look up from his books.
God everything is so freaking weird today!
"Are you alright, Zaros?" You blurt out before you can think.
He finds your eyes finally.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing! I just- You don't seem like yourself today, I was just wondering if you're unwell."
He sighs, exasperated and tired.
"If you really must know, I was accidentally served a glass of wine containing an elixir of truth. I'm fine otherwise, I just need to get rid of its effects."
"Ahhh, hence the book. I was curious why you were reading that." The wheels in your head turned. He consumed an elixir of truth, which means he cannot lie. It’s no wonder he admitted your company was welcome earlier.
"Hmmm I didn’t think you were so keen about reproduction either my dear Earis.” He eyes the book laid out in front of you.
Confusion laced your expression as you looked down. The title hits you in the face like a brick. It reads
“Reproductive Biology: Conception”
“Oh, dear god! No, I- I grabbed the wrong one!” Your face burnt of embarassment as you hurriedly returned the book to its shelf.
“Are you sure you didn’t just come here to find me then?” he chuckles at your dilemma.
You don’t answer, but no answer is still an answer. What an awful day! You turn to leave, having had enough of the awkwardness and embarrassment.
“Come sit with me.” He calls out to you, “It’d be rude of me to let you leave when you came all the way here to find me”
Reluctantly, you walked over to the table and sat with him.
“Did you miss me that much?” he pushed his book aside, casting his full attention onto you.
“Of course not, I just thought it was unusual that I haven’t seen you all day. That’s all.” You inform him, “Were you ignoring me on purpose?”
His expression shifts for a moment, but he catches it quickly.
“Why would I do that?” he dodged your question. “Did you miss me berating you?”
“I should’ve left when I had the chance.” You sigh and rest your forehead against you palm and he laughs.
“You’re the one who came all the way here to find me. It’s only fair that I have my assumptions.”
“Too bad they’re untrue.”
“Are they really?”
“You know what?” You retort, “If you want to ask so many questions, I propose a game.”
“A game? Go on, I’m listening.”
“We take turns asking each other questions and answer them truthfully. Not that you really have a choice anyways and I promise to be truthful as well.”
“You definitely have an unfair advantage, but I’m desperate for some entertainment, so I don’t see why not.” He leans forward, resting his face on his interlocked fingers. “Well then, I’ll go first. Did you come all the way here to find me?”
You sigh, “I did, but you already knew that, so why waste a question?”
“I wanted to hear you say it.” He smiled mischievously.
It started off tame, with harmless questions to tease each other. Pieces of memories from the past and truths to white lies once told, but as it progressed there was more than either of you bargained for.
(things get suggestive from here)
“Do you regret leaving all those years ago?”
“No, I don’t. Had I stayed, I wouldn’t know half the things I do now, and I wouldn’t experience the things I did. Besides, you made it clear you never wanted to see me again, I honoured your word for as long as I could.” His words only made your regret worse. “Do you regret being close to me back then?”
“No. Then, do you hate me for driving you away?”
His expression stiffens, and he just stares at you in shocked silence for a minute. “No, no I’ve never hated you. Do you hate me?”
“I could never bring myself to ever hate you. There’s too many memories attached to your face, fond ones that I cannot risk hating.”
“I see.” He murmured quietly.
“Did you think I hated you?”
“You did send me away and called me a leech. It felt kind of obvious. What about you? Did you think I hate you?
“Yes, and for some reason, it scared me. Did you… Did you ever forgive me for all the things I’ve said to you? They were awful, I know that now, and I'm... I'm sorry.”
“I did. As I said, I never hated you, and what good would it serve me to hate the person I lo- the person I grew up with.” He corrected himself. “Do you regret it? Sending me away.”
“Everyday for the past 8 years. I hoped you’d show up to every formal event we held, but you never did.”
“Wow are you sure you didn’t have some of my wine too?”
“Shut up. Did you think about me when you were gone?”
He tilts his head to the side slightly, “More than you’ll ever know.”
“How? What were you thinking?”
“Hold on now, you’re only allowed one question per turn. So I believe it’s my turn now. Did you think of me while I was gone?”
“Yes, I did.” You confessed quickly, “What were you thinking of when you thought of me?”
“So demanding. But I don’t think you want to know that, my sweet Earis.”
“It’s my turn, and that’s my question. If I did not wish to know, I wouldn’t have asked.”
“Fine, but you asked for this. When I thought of you, I often reminisced of our time together in school. Other times, my thoughts of you were quite… inappropriate.”
Your ear perked up like a kitten. “Tell me more.” You demand.
“Are you sure you want this?”
“Yes. Tell me everything.”
He leans back into his chair, “I thought of you when I was with others. That’s why I was never able to keep a partner.”
“Wha-“
“Every time I looked into their eyes I’d think of you, and I knew my adoration was never for them. Every time someone laid below me I’d close my eyes and imagine you instead. The thought of you and what we could’ve been followed me, haunted me, ate away at my very soul. I didn’t want anyone but you, despite my criticism, you are what I craved.” His eyes never left yours, every word, every truth he spoke made your bones feel soft and your stomach tie into an uncomfortable knot.
There should be another word that meant speechless beyond the word speechless, it would perfectly describe how you felt in that moment.
“Zaros I… uhm” Your face is undoubtably red, and you cannot bear to look him in the eyes anymore.
“My turn now, darling.” His body lifted from his seat, and he moved to sit next to you, so close you could smell the scent radiating off of him. “Did you think of me the same way I thought of you?”
You could lie, you could tell him you’ve never thought of him when you were with another and you can tell him you never thought of him when you touched yourself… but he was truthful and you should be too.
“I did” you whisper, barely enough for him to catch, being only a breath’s distance from you.
“Yeah, I thought as much.”
Your information processing is cut short when his lips landed on yours and a warm hand on your cheek. Your eyes widen only to flutter shut. His hand tangled in your hair while the other gripped your waist, desperately pulling you closer. You hold onto his arms for support, too engulfed in this feverish kiss to think of anything. He kissed you like a starving man, he kissed you with 8 years’ worth of longing and every second was deliciously eager-filled and greedy. When he finally pulls away you’re gasping for breath. Your fingers are still gripping into his biceps and his, your waist. He tugs you closer, a silent plea for more.
His breath was warm on your face, and your body felt hot. His body felt hot. There was a sense of urgency in the air, and the world around you faded away again when his lips met yours. Your chest is pressed up against him while he pushes your back into the wall behind, desperate attempts to be as close as you can, A thousand curses upon the layers of clothes that separate you.
Time was definitely slowing down, and every touch of his fingers lit fireworks across your skin. It was addicting, he was addicting. Neither of you could get enough, the longing was too much to ignore. His fingers were warm, so warm they melted into your skin. The buildup of passion was ought to come crashing down at some point but before his fingers could slip further past the fabrics on your skin a familiar voice ring out.
“Sarl Zaros? Are you in here?” The Queen gently called out.
Your bodies split apart in seconds. He scrambles to the far end on the bench, and you rush to wipe your lips. You look over at Zaros, and his chest is heaving, same as yours. God you wished you didn’t look. The way he desperately tried to calm himself down did things to your stomach that you’ve never felt before.
You promptly stand and turn to greet your mother who’s approaching.
“Mother, good afternoon.”
“Oh, you’re here too dear?” she smiles at you.
“Yes, I was just uhm chatting with Zaros.” You lie through your teeth. “But I’ll be leaving now, I have other things to attend to.”
You walk past your mother, hurrying for the giant doors of the library.
“My Earis,” a rasped voice calls behind you. “You forgot your book.”
You turn around and Zaros hands you the book he was reading. You didn’t question it. There was no time for questions.
“Ah thank you Zaros” You flush when his hands touch yours.
“I think you’ll find page 142 most interesting, do give it a read.” His eyes were filled with lust, green embers burning holes into you soul.
“Tha-Thank you.”
You ran. You ran all the way back to your room, locking the door and dropping into your bed face first. What the FUCK just happened???
You wish you could scream, instead you try to process everything that’s happened. It started off so innocently, tame questions and light teasing but evolved to so much more. HOW?
You remembered his words before you left the library.
“I think you’ll find page 142 most interesting, do give it a read.”
You pick up the book he handed you, flipping the deckled edge to page 142. Obviously, there was nothing interesting, just a piece of paper that flutters to the floor. You pick it up, unfolding it carefully, to find a message written inside.
“If you wish to continue, meet me in my room at midnight. I’ll be waiting, my sweet sweet Earis.”
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I Wish I Hated You (Levi Ackerman x Reader)
summary: You don't do second chances. Especially after you gave your heart to Levi Ackerman, and he decided to throw it away so the next person has to repair the damage. Will Levi put his ego aside and finally admit his feelings for you are far deeper than you imagined? Or is a second chance out of the question?
warnings: eventual smut, this is a slow burn
ao3
C H A P T E R F O U R : B E N E F I T S
It's been over 2 months now since your breakup. 2 months of trying to heal, 2 months of trying to rebuild yourself and the idea that you don't need Levi to survive.
You've started to get dressed again - making sure you spend time on self care and actually caring about your appearance. Work has been the same, the coffee shop has become one of your safe havens honestly. It's like your worries fade away when you walk through the door and you can live a different life than the one outside.
You're about to clock out from your opening shift when Hange strolls in.
"Hi my love!" Hange leaned on the counter, tapping her fingers. "I have someone I want to set you up with."
"Hange..." You raised your eyebrow. "I don't need to be set up with anyone."
"You need to get laid." Hange doubled down. "If anything, you'll have a little fun. What's wrong with that!"
You stare at Hange for a moment. You haven't thought of laying in a bed with anyone else besides Levi. You can't imagine someone else touching your skin, caressing your curves, taking care of you in every way to make sure you reach that high.
It has to happen eventually.
"Fine. Who is it?"
"Great! It's this cute intern at my job. He seems fun and young."
"I'm 29 years old Hange, please tell me he's old enough to drink."
"Oh yes of course! He's 23."
You press your palm to your forehead. "I don't want anything serious. I would want just something casual."
"Well then hopefully he doesn't fall in love with you! Are you done with work?"
"I am." You slide your apron off, pressing buttons on the register to clock out. "Do you want something before I leave?"
"I'll never say no to coffee."
-
Hange has the intern text you, turns out his name is Jean. Hange sent a picture of him to you before he text you - he's not Levi, that's for sure. He's cute though. He has light brown hair with brown eyes to match. He's a lot taller than Levi, which means he's a lot taller than you.
Jean seems to be on the same type of time as you. He doesn't want anything serious, only fun. He's funny and sends you good morning and good night texts. Seemingly the perfect friend with benefits.
Jean invites you out to a club on Friday night with him and his friends, which includes Mikasa. This eases your anxiety since you'll know at least one person there.
Jean: It's all my work friends. I'm sure you know most of them.
You: It'll be nice to see them. Is Hange going?
Jean: I don't think Hange ever says no to drinks.
When Friday rolls around, you cause a tornado in your closet looking for an outfit. You pick out a lacy corset top with jeans that hug your curves, and a pair of square toe black heels. Your hair is styled half up, half down with some of your hair framing your face. You add glittery lipgloss as the cherry on top of the look, carefully tracing over your lips as you look in the mirror.
This is the first time you're actually hanging out with Jean. It's also the first time in a long time that you're going clubbing.
You take a picture in your full length mirror and send it to Hange for approval.
Hange: Holy SHIT!! You look hot! Jean won't be able to keep his hands off you. Be prepared to take him home ;)
You: That's why I took an everything shower. Lol.
You grab your purse and call your uber to head to the club. It's 10:30 PM - Jean said he was going to be there around 10 and you wanted to be late but not too late to where he thinks he's being stood up.
-
You walk into the club and immediately spot Hange at the bar dancing like no one is watching. You smile to yourself as you tap her on her shoulder.
"You made it!!" Hange practically jumped on you to hug you. "Jean is right there." She pointed.
You make your way to where Jean was standing, which was in a circle with Mikasa, Eren, and a few others.
"Hey!" Jean gave you a light hug, his eyes tracking your movements. "You look amazing."
"Thank you." You smile before looking at Mikasa. "Hi you!"
"You never come out!" Mikasa said. "I'm so happy Jean got you out. Eren's grabbing me a drink, he'll love to see you!"
Jean introduced you to the rest of the group: Armin, Connie, Sasha, Reiner and Annie.
Jean got you a drink and stood close to you as the music blared. The group talked about work projects coming up and how stressful they are. Jean's hand snaked around your waist, pulling you a bit closer to him. He smells good - he definitely bought a strong cologne for this occasion. You lean into him, letting your ass graze over his pelvis.
You both start to move to the beat, now Jean's face is in your neck. He kisses your skin gently as his hips move in time with yours. The liquor starts to course through your veins, giving you more courage. You spin yourself around to face Jean, planting a kiss on his lips. His right hand lays on your cheek as he continues kissing you, his pinky moving back and forth on your skin.
You let your body mend with Jean's, letting yourself have this moment. You haven't kissed anyone but Levi in years and this new pair of lips are taking care of you. Jean is fun. Jean is happy.
You pull away for a moment to take a sip of your drink, watching Jean's eyes trail over your curves. You smile at him until you hear a familiar voice.
"Where is she?" Guess who.
"You're such a cock block." Hange rolls her eyes. "She's having FUN. Leave her alone."
"This was your idea wasn't it four eyes." His voice is getting closer. "Ah, my lovely staff."
You turn to see Levi, dressed in a grey sweater, blank pants and a pair of brand new sneakers. Erwin isn't far behind him.
"Oh, boss!" Jean waves and then puts his hand back on your hip.
Oh shit. He doesn't know you dated Levi. Did no one warn him?
Levi's eyes went straight to Jean's hand. If looks could kill, Jean would be dead.
Mikasa and Eren looked at each other - the only two besides Erwin and Hange that know of yours and Levi's relationship.
Levi's eyes fall to you and you swear you can see fire in them. You lean your ass back into Jean, letting your head fall on his chest.
"Hi Levi."
#levi ackerman#levi ackerman x reader#levi ackerman fanfiction#levi x reader#levi ackerman smut#attack on titan#levi ackerman fanfic#aot#levi ackerman attack on titan
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"Tell Me" Part 3
Gekko x (Fem!)Reader
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi everyone! This is the third part of my first Gekko fanfic and my first fanfic posted on tumblr. I just posted part 2 at the same time, so I'm excited and nervous to see what y'all think so far. I really enjoyed writing these.
Like last parts, I used google translate for most of the Spanish that wasn’t just a few words so I apologize if anything gets lost in translation, I am not fluent.
Words: 8.0K
TW: Character Death, Guns, angst, (kinda?) manipulation, Kidnapping, Blood
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mateo sat on a bar stool in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal while resting his head on his hand. He was exhausted. Not being able to fall back asleep, he sent you an early good morning text, and then headed right into the training arena. Spending a few hours practicing his aim on the training bots until he couldn’t see straight anymore. After a quick shower to wake him up, he headed to the kitchen for breakfast. It was now nearly 9 AM. A few agents have come and gone while he has been in the kitchen. Sage, who is usually an early riser, entered the training arena as he was leaving, giving the young agent a nod of approval for getting some early morning training in. Mateo had tried to keep his worry and anxiety off of his face, he didn’t want to give anyone a reason to pull him off of the mission. Passing Omen and Fade in the hallway he gave a quick hello to the two. Yoru had come into the kitchen to grab breakfast as well. Mateo gave the dimension walker a nod and the older man exchanged the pleasantry before leaving.
Mateo looked up from his cereal that he was more so playing with instead of eating as Neon made her presence known, “There you are, Mateo!” She said as she made her way further into the kitchen and started to prepare her own breakfast. He looked around, making sure that no one was near to be able to hear his real name, “Lo lamento, you were looking for me?” He questioned.
“Yeah, I heard you yell last night. I went to make sure you were alright, but you weren’t in your room.” She said, grabbing her food and sitting down next to him. “Reyna said she hadn’t seen you yet, either.”
Mateo’s face flashed red with embarrassment. Neon had heard him yell out after his nightmare. He guessed it would make sense that she would be the one to hear it as their rooms shared a wall, but he wondered how loud he truly was and hoped no one else had heard anything. “Wait, what did you tell Reyna?” He said with urgency. If Reyna knew something was bothering him, she might tell Sage or Brimstone to pull him off the mission.
Neon raised a brow, confused by his sudden worry. “I just let her know I was looking for you and was going to check up on you?”
“Maldita sea” He whispered, resting his head in his hands.
“What dude? You’re being weird. What's going on with you?” Neon said, taking a bite.
“Nothings wrong. I had a nightmare last night. Eso es todo. I can still go on the mission, everything's FINE. Bien.”
Neon swallowed, smirking, “ahhh, okay. So that’s what this is. You’re psyching yourself out!”
“Que!? No- I’m not- uh” Mateo sighed, shaking his head, “I had a nightmare about (y/n). I died on the mission and she found out that everything since I’ve been here has been lies.”
Neon furrowed her brow, “You know Sage can bring us back? You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I know, but what if she can’t.”
“Well…” Neon started, “That hasn’t happened yet. But, I bet Brimstone will handle it, and give your family something? I’m not sure.”
Mateo shook his head, “That’s the thing. Nothing Brimstone can give (y/n) will undo any of the hurt I caused. She won’t see me as a hero once she finds out the lies it cost.”
The two of them sat in silence for a minute before Mateo spoke up again, “I’ve been thinking, and I think I’m going to tell her. About us and what I’m doing.”
Neon choked on her food, “You’re going to what!? Mateo you know you can’t.”
“She won’t tell anyone, I trust (y/n).”
“You don’t understand, Mateo. Of course our Omega counterparts know who our loved ones are. There aren’t many discrepancies between who we know and are related to. And the only thing keeping them safe is their ignorance. My parents only know where I am, and even that information could put them in danger.”
Mateo bit the inside of his cheek as he thought he was at a crossroads here. He couldn’t put you in danger. But, like Neon’s parents, his mom knows. Reyna told her months before he joined the Protocol and she’s been safe. There must be exceptions. “I won’t put her in danger, but I need to do something about this.” Mateo said, standing up. “Don’t tell Reyna or anyone until I figure it out, por favor.”
Neon looked up as Mateo stood, holding a steady gaze, “I won’t tell anyone, but I sure hope you know what you’re doing.” She said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a relatively uneventful week for you. Right now you are in the middle of mundane chores. You had just gotten home from grocery shopping for your dad and had begun to put the goods away. The only thing that made today different from the others was, to your surprise, Mateo texting you good morning around 5 AM. You were curious why he was up so early and he told you he just wanted to get an early start to his day and get into a better routine. Something you had wanted to do before but always gave up a few days in. Walking up anywhere between 8AM-10AM is usually how it went for you depending on your classes. You noticed Mateo seemed to have more time on his hands today with random “I miss you”s, “Te amo”s, and check-ins coming in more frequently than they had before. Your heart fluttered as you wondered if he was finally finalizing his schedule and not letting the college have such a strong pull on him.
You had decided a few days ago that you wanted to try and surprise Mateo for a visit in the upcoming weekend. Since he left you had been putting away extra money from each of your paychecks in order to purchase a train ride up north. The only problem was, you couldn’t remember the name of the city that Mateo is in. Whenever you looked up the college you saw that it had campuses in both Seattle and Portland. And whenever you tried to ask him to remind you, he either wouldn’t hear you or had something else on his mind he wanted to talk about.
After you finished putting the groceries away you leaned on the counter, grabbing your phone you dialed Mateo’s mother, waiting for her to answer as it rang.
Two rings in you heard and enthusiastic voice on the other line, “(y/n!) Que bueno saber de ti! How are you cariño?”
“Hola, Mrs. De La Fuente. Es bien, and you?” You asked.
“Oh cariño. I am doing really well. It was hard to adjust with how quiet the house has been. Don’t tell Mateo but I’m thinking of getting a cat” Mateo’s mom laughed.
You smiled, you had missed Mateo’s mom and were disappointed in yourself for not calling her sooner, “I’m sure he wouldn’t stop you.” you giggled.
“No, that’s the problema! He would bring an amigo home for it! But, una is enough for me, confía en mí” The woman laughed and then let out a small sigh. You could tell she missed her son as much, if not more than you did.
“De todos modos, (y/n). Did you need something?”
“Si, Mrs. De La Fuente. I was wondering what city Mateo was in. I can’t remember if it was Portland or Seattle?” You asked.
Mateo’s mom paused, “...oh, why’s that, cariño?”
You hesitated, confused by her sudden hesitation and change in tone, “well, I um- I’ve been saving up a lot of money. And I finally have enough money to buy a train ticket and surprise him.”
Again there was a pause, “Miel, I don’t think that’s es buena idea.” She said.
A pit opened up in your stomach, “I’m sorry, Mrs. De La Fuente, but why?”
“Mateo is mucho busy, (y/n). I just think you should wait.”
You frowned, “But it would be on the weekend? I only would have gone up there for a day.”
You heard his mom inhale, another pause stagnant in the air before she spoke again, “I just… think it’s for the best, miel.” Before you could question her again she spoke up again “Oh, (y/n)! The oven is going off, that is mi Bizcocho. Tengo que ir! We can talk about this more later. Mantente segura!”
The line clicked as she hung up, the pit in your stomach resting heavy as your thoughts added onto it. The tone change in Mateo’s mom’s words sounded like worry, almost like his mom was covering for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were less than 15 hours until the mission on Haven and Mateo was back to back with Phoenix as the two of them engaged in aim training at the training arena. So far they had been doing well, if they continued like this the duo might make it to one of the top spots on the leaderboard.
“Watch your eyes!” Phoenix called out for a flash, as Mateo sent out Wingman to stun a few of the bots that were surrounding them.
“So.” Phoenix started as he took out two bots, “I heard you’re having girl trouble, aye?”
Mateo tensed up, switching places with the man and firing his gun at the robots, “Qué!? Who told you that?”
Phoenix chuckled, rolling as he dodged some of the bullets, “So it’s true!” he bantered.
“No es verdad! It’s false!” Mateo said, pressing up against a wall as a few bullets went buzzing by his shoulder.
“Well, Jett told me that Yoru was givin you a tough time.” Phoenix responded, smirking as he occasionally took his eyes off the robots to see Mateo’s flustered expression.
Mateo sighed slightly, he was nervous Neon had said something to someone. But, if this was just about his encounter with Yoru then it didn’t bother him too much. “Yeah, that happened.” He said, leaving his place on the wall and taking out another bot.
“Well, don’t let him get to you mate. We’ve all been there with our relationship struggles. Oy behind you!” Phoenix said, taking out a bot that was running up to Mateo from behind.
“Thanks”, Mateo said with a small nod and smile to both the words of encouragement and for having his back during their training. Although Phoenix’s words weren’t exactly what he needed as a pick-me-up, he was still grateful for the effort put in..
Phoenix returned Mateo’s nod, “Ready to finish this?” He asked.
Smirking, Mateo responded, “Sí, amigo. You know it.”
“Alright let's go!” Phoenix said, his skin glowing a faint orange as he mowed through the rest of the bots with Mateo, thrash stunning a cluster for phoenix to take out. When no other bots came to confront the two, they gave each other a fist bump. “Now that has to be a top score, for sure!” Phoenix enthused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the aim training Mateo had taken an early dinner and gone to his room to chill for the night. He had already received a message from Jamie strategizing how they could achieve an even higher score next time. He had also received what he assumed was a sarcastic or playful message from Jett asking why he stole her aim training partner from her. Changing into some comfortable clothes, he laid down on his bed and gave you a call. Wingman snuggled up to his arm and Mateo moved a bit to get Wingman out of the frame of the video, causing the creature to mumble. “I’m sorry buddy. Not yet okay. Very soon she will meet you. Prometo. For now, if you stay down by my arm, you can sit in and listen in. Como es que, amigo?”
Wingman purred and Mateo chuckled, “Alright just remember to be quiet.” Dizzy, Thrash, and Mosh also made their appearance, giving Mateo a curious look. “Alright, you three as well. But the same thing I told Wingman. Estar muy tranquila. Okay?” Dizzy and Thrash nodded. Thrash took up a spot near the end of the bed at Mateo’s feet, Dizzy laid on Mateo’s stomach, and Mosh cuddled up next to Wingman.
You answered the call to Mateo smiling and laughing, “Hola, Mi Teo. What’s got you in a good mood?” You returned his contagious smile.
“Well, the fact that I’m talking to mi amor might have something to do with it.” He smirked.
The two of you chatted for nearly an hour uninterrupted and you both savored that time that you had together. The longest your last video call was so far had been about 30 minutes max before Mateo got pulled away by something else. You laughed with each other when you caught him up to speed on the shenanigans your friend group was up to together. He asked about your father and your sister. You told him you were thinking of cutting your hair and he playfully begged you not to, but promised that you would look beautiful with any hairstyle you chose. He said you could even shave your head and you would be the most beautiful girl in the world to him. You laughed and told him to be careful what he says or you just might go ahead and do it, but he knew you would never. He knew how much fun you had styling your hair in different ways, it was something you had used often to express yourself.
“I wish I was there with you” Mateo said, he noticed the locket he gave you before he left around your neck, he was hanging next to your heart, but he wanted to wrap you up in his arms. A month away had felt like an eternity.
“I wish you were too.” You said, sharing his look of longing.
“Well, I find out when I’m able to leave soon. But before then I can send you a care package. I can put one of my shirts in it and some snacks from the area.” He grinned.
You smiled, “I’d like that.” Your words drew off slightly at the end of the sentence, as you thought back to your conversation with his mom. Hesitating, you wondered if you should tell Mateo, ask why she was being so weird about you wanting to visit.
Mateo noticed your hesitation and raised a brow, “what’s wrong, mi amor?”
“Well….” You started but bit your tongue. “So I saved up money from my recent paychecks and I figured with that money I would buy a train ticket to see you. Like a surprise. But then I couldn’t remember what city you said you were in or if you ever said the city you were in. So I called your mom and asked her. I told her my plan but she didn’t think it was a good idea and she also wouldn’t tell me the city and she also wouldn’t tell me why.” Catching your breath after your ramble you waited for him to answer, your cheeks flushed red. He stared at the phone, his mouth opening like he was going to say something, but then closing. “I just felt like she was hiding something from me?” You added on.
Mateo frowned, his gaze faltering before looking back at the screen, “(y/n), I have to tell you something.” He said, in a tone you had never heard before.
Your anxiety spiked, “oh okay… you’re making me a bit nervous. What is it?” You asked.
“So I’m not in Seattle… or Portland. I’m-“ the phone went black. Mateo grumbled, pressing the power button but to no avail. “Merida! Stupid phone” he cursed. Suddenly it powered back on, the screen flashing with a familiar symbol. Mateo narrowed his eyes. He went to your contact and tried to call you back, but an error flashed up on the screen once more with that familiar symbol. He tried to text you but was met with the same fate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Cypher!!!” Mateo yelled as he ran down the halls. He made it to the computer room where he knew Cypher was most likely to be. He flung the door open and found the room empty. He cursed again, leaving the room and heading down the hallway.
“CYPHER!” He called again, he passed by Neon who looked like she was on her way to her room.
“Woah, Gekko. What’s going on, are you alright?” She asked.
“Not right now, Tala. I’m looking for Cypher.” He said, keeping his steady pace.
Neon followed behind him, “He’s with Reyna in the strategy room. But-“ he cut her off, “Thanks.”
“But Gekko-“ Neon tried to get his attention but he was focused on one thing.
Mateo flung open the door to the Strategy Room, seeing Cypher, Reyna, Sage, and Brimstone huddled over a holographic map of LA. Reyna’s eyes darted over to the two. “Neon! Gekko is not supposed to be in here right now” She said.
“I tried damn it!” Neon said, raising her hands up.
“I don’t care about whatever secret classified mission this is!” Gekko said, anger in his words. “I just want to know why, he child-locked my device!?” He said, pointing to Cypher.
“Cariño, cálmate.” Reyna said
“I activated the fail safe, because you were close to revealing yourself.” Cypher added in.
“What!? You were listening in on me!? Spying on me!? Esto es ridículo. ¡Esa fue una conversación privada!” Mateo exclaimed, Wingman and Dizzy appeared from his bag after Mateo's noticeable rising anger. “How would you even know to listen in?” He asked.
Cypher remained quiet, sharing a glance between the 3 older agents in the room.
Mateo turned around towards Neon, “ You told them! Didn’t you?” He accused.
Neon crossed her arms, “what!? No I didn’t.” She huffed
“Fui yo, cariño. It was me” Reyna spoke up.
An expression of hurt and betrayal flashed across Mateo’s face, as Wingman and Dizzy made a sound, similar to a faint cry but almost as if they were asking Reyna why.
“Que? Por que Reyna. Why would you have Cypher spy on me?” He asked.
Sage made her way closer to Mateo, “Reyna came to us a few days ago. We agreed that you are being pulled in two different directions. You need to have your whole mind and spirit here, Gekko. With your heart split, you can make dangerous decisions. Brimstone and I tasked Cypher on making sure you were making the right decisions. And Cypher is the one who heard you tell Neon your plan in the kitchen this morning.”
Mateo took a step back in anger as he cursed to himself. Placing a hand over his face, he shook his head. How stupid was he for thinking that Brimstone and Sage didn’t have eyes everywhere around the protocol, watching them at all times. Or that Cypher, the man who can scrub clean any mention of them from the internet within milliseconds wouldn’t be able to listen in on his private phone calls. Wingman walked up to Mateo, placing his hands on the man’s leg in an attempt to comfort.
“Gekko, we’re here to help you if you need it. I know some things are hard to understand why we do it. But it is for the best.” Sage added.
Mateo stood idle for a second, his eyes darting from person to person in the room. His mind was clouded with hurt, anger, and frustration. The silence lingered, no one having anything else to say. Mateo picked up Wingman and turned around towards the door, pausing in the doorway before speaking to those behind him, “You know, Reyna. You could have come to me first. Actually talked to me. Nunca pensé que irías a mis espaldas. Especially you of all people.” He said as he saw his way out.
The remaining agents exchanged a few glances as the tension Mateo left still hung in the air. Reyna sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “He will be okay,” she said to the group, while also reassuring herself. She was disheartened about breaking Mateo’s trust, but there were more important things at hand and she knew this was for the best, “We need to get back to our findings”.
“Yes.” Sage said, looking at the holographic map of LA that was laid out before them. “Your recon mission with Neon and Yoru revealed a big deposit of Radianite under the city, here.” She said pointing to the map.
“That’s close to Gekko’s home.” Reyna said, thinking of her friend. Not wanting to let Mateo down anymore, she needed to make sure this Radianite remained secure. “We need to make sure that a spike does not get detonated here”
“We also need to keep our eyes on Kingdom as well. They could already know about this.” Brimstone said.
Neon was looking towards the door after Mateo left, he was hurting and now he probably felt more alone than ever. Sighing, she turned around and looked towards the group, her eyes widening at the hologram as she made her way to the group. “Woah” Neon said as she walked up to the map, eyeing it in curiosity, “if a spike goes off there how many casualties will that be?”
“Too many.” Brimstone responded, his voice laced with an edge of concern and also exhaustion.
~~~~~~~~~
“...Teo?” You asked, as his face froze on your screen before the call ended, an error signaling that the connection had dropped. You tried to call him back but was only met by his voicemail. Resorting to a text, you sent ‘What happened, are you alright?’ only to get an immediate response saying that the message was unable to be delivered. Staring at the screen you blinked, trying to process what had just happened. You looked around through your phone to make sure that everything else was working, and found that you had a full connection to the grid. Whatever happened was on Mateo’s end. You found it odd that as soon as Mateo looked like he was going to confess something that the call dropped. And now suddenly you were unable to contact him back? Did the internet wherever he was suddenly just drop, since he did say that he wasn’t in Seattle or Portland, so where was he?
You sent Mateo a few more texts telling him to call you back if he was able or to let you know that he was okay. You debated on calling Mateo’s mom to let her know about the weird disconnection of his phone. But, with what Mateo had started to say, it had all suddenly made sense of why his mom was acting so weird on the phone. She knew he wasn’t in either of the two cities he had mentioned, she just was trying her best to avoid telling you.
The rest of the night for you drew on longer than you thought it would. You laid in bed, curled up on your covers while scrolling through various forms of media, checking every 30 minutes for a message to Mateo, while also sending one or two to test the connection. So far you had sent around 13 messages, signaling that it had been over 6 hours since your video call with Mateo. You had skipped dinner, your appetite gone and replaced with worry. Around 8:30 you had heard your dad leave for work, and around 11:30 you had heard your sister leave to go to a party. Neither of them bothered you before they left as you said you wished to be left alone.
It was nearing 1 am and your eyes were starting to get dry and heavy with sleep. You continued to stare at your phone screen, mindlessly scrolling, not even focusing on what was in front of you as you fought the urge to sleep. The thought of Mateo messaging you back as soon as you fell asleep would be your luck, and you wanted to make sure that wouldn’t happen. You would stay up all night if you had to, even if that meant you would miss your classes.
All the struggle you put up against falling asleep seemed to be in vain as your eyes shot open to the sound of your doorbell going off throughout the house. You rubbed your eyes in a daze as you checked your phone, “What the hell? It’s 3 AM.” you grumbled to yourself, closing your eyes and throwing your pillow over your head to drown out the ringing. Whoever was at your front door seemed to be holding down the button.
After a few more seconds you yelled, throwing your blankets off of yourself as you stood up. Exiting your room, you looked across the hall to your sister’s room. The door was wide open, and through the faint light shining inside you could tell she hadn’t made it home yet. “I swear, Gwen, if you forgot your key and locked yourself out I’m going to kill you” you grumbled. Heading towards the front door.
You yawned as you looked towards the peep hole to view who was outside, but the image you saw completely woke you up. “Teo?” you whispered to yourself. It felt like your heart stopped for a second, time slowing as you reached for the door to unlock and open it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The helicopter ride to Haven was uncomfortable at most for Mateo. Luckily, he was allowed to stay on the mission. Though if it were up to him he much rather would have been anywhere else, so was it truly luck? Having Reyna leading his mission completely ruined all the excitement he had when he was first assigned a week ago. He avoided her gaze as much as he could, still feeling the hurt from her broken trust just hours before. He continued to listen in on the debrief that he had heard many times throughout the week, giving her the respect as if they were just co-workers.
It was quiet when they arrived at Haven, giving the team the indication that they had beaten their Omega counterparts to the location. Reyna gave one last debrief before she dismissed everyone to set up their sites. The layout was fairly similar to Mateo’s dream, which made him slightly nervous. The only difference was that Killjoy was to be holding garage, her turret pointing at mid while Omen helped Reyna on A.
“Mateo,” Reyna said, grabbing his attention as he went towards his site. He turned around and paused, walking back up to her.
“¿qué?” He asked, showing no emotion.
She sighed, "Escúchame Gekko, I know it doesn’t seem like it. But, I am with you.”
Mateo inhaled, pondering on her words, “mis disculpas when I said that it’s hard to believe that right now.”
“I am sorry that it has felt like you have to do this alone. Nunca deberías sentirte así. Y porque lo haces, es mi fracaso como mentor.”
“Eres una gran mentora, Reyna. I am just upset my privacy was infiltrado.” He sighed.
“I know cariño,” Reyna said, “And I am truly sorry.”
“Gracias, Reyna.” Mateo said, his nerves starting to settle slightly. He began to leave again before he was stopped once more.
“Also, Gekko-”
“Si?” He asked.
“fuerte y feroz. They will not hesitate, you must not either.” Reyna said, her voice sturn and steady as she believed if Mateo took to heart anything that she said, she needed it to be this.
“Lo sé, Reyna. I know” he nodded, taking her advice in. He gave her a slight smile before he went and made his way to his position at C.
Mateo had scoped out his site, walking down C long and looking for the angles that Harbor had mentioned would be crucial to hold and would most likely be an area that their Omega counterparts would hide in if cornered.
Holding with his Vandal, Mateo aimed down site at C long, staying alert and ready for anyone to appear. His eyes were starting to strain as he had been focused already for 15 minutes at least. “Any signs of movement anywhere?” Killjoy said over her ear piece.
“Negative” Omen responded.
“Nope” Jett added in
“Gekko?” Reyna questioned.
Mateo was about to speak before he saw Omega Jett peak up into C long. He fired his gun but she quickly dashed back from where she had appeared from. “Jett spotted!” He held his aim ready for her to peak again only to be met by a double peak with Jett and Sova. Mateo quickly ducked back behind boxes, The Omega archer sent a tracer dart flying landing on the wall in the back of C site, marking Mateo. “Sova spotted as well, my location has been marked, requesting backup!”
“I’m on it!” Killjoy responded, peaking out C short and throwing a grenade to stop the infiltrators from pushing up any further. From behind the box, Mateo threw up Dizzy who quickly scanned the area, blinding the two enemies. Mateo peaked out from his cover, aiming his gun at the Sova who was now blind in long with nowhere to hide. With three body shots to the chest, the archer was down. Mateo tried to catch his breath, this had been his first kill that wasn’t on one of the training bots. He had to get his breathing back under control and steady himself. One was down but there were at least 4 more to go.
‘fuerte y feroz’ he repeated to himself the words of advice that Reyna had given him.
“There’s someone A” Reyna said through the coms.
“Sending cover” Omen called out as he placed a smoke down protecting the A site from a quick entry.
“I believe the Jett has rotated,” Killjoy said.
Jett spoke up, “I spotted her- uh me- In window! I’m holding.”
Mateo heard gunfire from across the area, indicating that A site had begun to be fought over. He continued to stare down long, just to make sure they weren’t being faked, until he heard otherwise. Killjoy began to move back into garage to help Jett hold her Omega counterpart.
On A site, Omen peaked heaven with an Operator, peaking into short while the smoke still covered long. Reyna shot through the smoke, taking cover behind boxes as bullets sprayed blindly towards her. A quick flash the two had never seen before, made up of white and yellow sparkling lights, blinded them instantly. They took cover as the omega agents entered the site, forcing Omen and Reyna to fall back.
“We’ve lost the site.” Omen growled into his communicator.
“Gekko, Killjoy. Begin your rotation to A, stay alert as I believe they have sent the new agent, Lux, with them.” Reyna informed the rest of the team.
Killjoy began her rotation from garage through the window and the connector to B, leaving an alarm bot behind her incase of an enemy push or rotate. Mateo gathered dizzy up from where she was idling, quietly praising her for the work she did to help him with the Sova.
He quietly made his way to the C and B connector, where he would join up with Killjoy on B so that the two could arrive at A together. Before he could walk to B, a wall made of a white and yellow swirling energy came up, completely blocking off the entrance. This was something that Mateo had never seen before. He turned around, scanning his surroundings and saw nothing.
“Be careful,” He spoke into his com, “I think the new agent put up a wall blocking off my entry on B.”
“I see it too, but I don't see any other enemies. Still keep your guard up, we don't know how far their range is for their abilities.” Jett said.
Mateo stared at the wall before him, it didn’t look solid? It had a similar movement about it like Phoenix and Astra’s walls, though contained to one area as it took up the entire entry way. He carefully reached a hand out to touch it, but hissed in pain as the energy making up the wall instantly burned his flesh with contact.
He closed his eyes, shaking out his hand as he heard the sound of a revolver hammer locking behind him. He froze, feeling the sensation of someone watching him.
“Careful-”, They spoke. Mateo’s eyes widened, he knew that voice but there was something off.
“-Mi, amor. Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.” They said, venom laced with their words.
Mateo raised his hands in the air, as he turned around and was met face to face with your Omega counterpart. His heart increased, she looked just like you only she was staring at him with an expression he had never seen from you before; Hatred mixed with amusement.
“Lux?” Was all he could murmur
“Lux, (Code/Name), (Y/N), any of those work.” She sneered, holding her Sheriff out so that Mateo was staring down the barrel.
“Gekko, status update.” Killjoy was heard over the intercom.
“I-” Mateo started, but he was interrupted by your double.
“Shhh. Let’s not give away our position, now.” She hummed as she walked towards him, circling him like a Lion does its prey. “You seem so much more fun than my Mateo,” she lulled, “Let me guess, you actually made a move on my counterpart. Lucky her. Mine couldn’t take a hint if it hit him in the face.”
Mateo’s heart was racing, he never once thought that when he looked at the enemy he would see you. The (y/n) he knew wasn’t a Radiant, or so he thought. He remembered Brimstone's talk about discrepancies. But, wouldn’t you have developed your powers by now if you were?
He remained stunned in silence as your double paced around him, keeping the sheriff aimed at his head, his eyes following her. She walked up to him, placing a kiss on his lips, while pressing the cool metal of the gun to his temple. A wave of panic shivered down his spine causing his hairs on the back of his neck to stand up.
She pulled away and took a step back, “Well, I’d love to keep this conversation going, Gekko-”
“-They’ve planted the spike!” He heard Jett yell into his earpiece.
“- But it seems like we’re out of time.”
Your double pulled the trigger on the sheriff twice, sending two rounds flying directly into Mateo’s shoulder. He yelled out in pain as the bullets burned through his flesh. Falling to the ground he squeezed onto his shoulder with his unburnt hand, trying to control the bleeding. He could hear commotion over the earpiece, but all of the words were deafened by the fire he felt on his shoulder.
Wingman jumped out of Mateo’s bag, running towards your Omega counterpart and stunning her, causing her wall blocking B to fall. As soon as it did, shots from a Vandal could be heard flying over Mateo and towards your double, but it wasn’t fast enough. Before the shot could land, your double vanished into a curtain of light, teleporting out of the area of danger.
Mateo squirmed on the ground in pain, Wingman ran up to his shoulder and pressed against Mateo’s hand, as if to try and help stop the bleeding. The two felt the ground shake below them, before an eruption of darkness shadowed them, indicating that the spike had gone off.
Omega had won.
He let out another anguished cry as a wave of fire spread from his shoulder and down through his arm. “Gekko’s down, but he’s conscious” someone next to him said over the ear piece. He hadn’t realized it but Killjoy had taken a place, kneeled beside him. She must have been the one to try and stop your double.
The ground rumbled as Killjoy spoke, started to shift and break apart on A where the spike had gone off. “Shhh, shhh now, Gekko. It’s okay. You’re going to be just fine” the girl said, taking off one of her straps and preparing to use it as a makeshift splint to try and stabilize his arm.
Mateo squinted his eyes, trying to force back another wave of pain, “what about- the- others-“ he said through clenched teeth. “Where’s- Reyna-“
“She’s coming, Gekko, don’t worry. She’s alright. You’re doing good, keep that pressure.”
“The- new- agent-“ Mateo started, only to be cut off by KillJoy.
“Shh, don’t talk. Save your energy, Gekko.”
“Gekko! Mi cariño!” Reyna yelled out, kneeling next to Mateo across from Killjoy. Mateo looked upwards to see Omen making his way not far behind Reyna, in his arms was Jett, her arms laying heavy, swaying as Omen walked. Mateo’s eyes widened at the site of Jett’s unmoving form lying in Omen’s arms, her shirt drenched in blood. His adrenaline started to spike in that moment, his heart racing. He tensed up, trying to sit, grimacing as he did., “Jett- what… is- is she-“ He tried to speak, wincing with every word.
Reyna used her hand to avert Mateo’s gaze from his fallen comrade. “Sage will help her, Ahora necesitas quedarte con nosotros, Gekko.” Reyna looked at Omen and Killjoy as bits of derbies from A could be seen floating in the distance, the cracks in the ground spreading towards B, “We need to get out of here. Now.”
The next moments for Mateo moved in stop motion. He heard Reyna and Killjoy speaking to him, but their words merged together, unable to penetrate his ear drums. He blinked and they were helping him up, his good arm over Reynas neck as she helped him stand up. He blinked again and they were helping him into the helicopter, Omen placing Jett’s body on a makeshift infirmary bed before covering her up completely with a blanket. Another blink and he felt Killjoy pressing gauze up against his shoulder, while Reyna watched on, an emotion he couldn’t read in her eyes. He heard himself cry out in pain as Killjoy cleaned his wound, but it was almost like his voice was coming from someone else. Blinking once more, he saw his arm bandaged up, Omen walking up to him with Wingman in his arms. The wraith gently placed the creature down close to Mateo, who wasted no time to run up and cuddle into the crook of his uninjured arm.
As Mateo went unconscious, Reyna made her way next to where he lie, sitting down beside him she watched his chest rise and fall. “Lo siento, Mateo.” She said, giving him a kiss on the top of his head before brushing his hair back off of his forehead. “Eres un luchador Lo superarás.” Wingman looked up at Reyna from his place tucked in Mateo’s arm. She smiled at the creature, “Lo hiciste bien pequeña. Thank you for watching after him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Teo!?” You asked as you opened the door, a mixture of excitement and confusion in your voice, still groggy from sleep. “What are you do-” you continued, pausing as he took a step back. From behind him you saw a small pink creature begin to make its way to you. You let out the start of a scream as it jumped at you, the sonic wave it sent out from its body rendering you unable to move or speak. You winced slightly, feeling the paralyzing energy moving through your body.
“mis disculpas, (y/n). Or what your Mateo calls you, ‘Mi amor’?” He smirked.
Your eyes darted around before meeting his gaze once more, in fear. What did he mean, ‘Your Mateo?’. You had heard of the incident years ago in Venice of a dimension traveler attacking. Was this one of those instances? But if so, what did you have to do with any of this? None of this made sense, you had to still be dreaming. Working against the paralyzing energy through your body, you were able to slowly close your eyes, trying to wake yourself up. Suddenly, you began to feel a burning sensation throughout your body. A mixture of heat and energy shooting through your limbs, leaving you wondering what the creature did to you.
You opened your eyes to meet ‘Mateo’’s gaze, his smirk faltering as he saw your normally (e/c) eyes, a golden yellow. He suddenly looked nervous. “Apurarse, Omen.” He said, looking behind you. Unable to see what he was looking at, your heart started racing. You felt hands on your wrist as your arms were pulled behind your back, and fastened with a ziptie. You let out a small groan of frustration as you tried to fight your way free, but your body was not listening to you.
Continuing to try and struggle, you were able to let out a small “Why?” that was cut off as a piece of fabric was placed over your mouth. 'Mateo' looked at you as he stepped closer, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear “Lo lamento, Mi amor. But, a mission is a mission.”
A cloud of purple smoke started to surround you and your vision, you found yourself almost weightless for a second before the smoke dissipated. No longer in your house, you looked around as the paralytic was staring to wear off, 'Mateo' nowhere to be found. You didn’t get a great look at the room you were in before another strip of fabric was placed over your eyes, taking away your vision. What you could briefly see told you that the room was some kind of operating room, with various computers on the walls. The hand that had bound you reached out, somewhat gently, and led you to a chair and fastened your ankles to the legs. You yelped and tried to move from your bindings as you felt a prick of a needle on your skin. “I’m sorry.”, your captor said, as he drew your blood. The sound of his voice was haunting, but his words seemed sincere.
You moved in the chair, trying to free your hands. Although the paralyzing effect from that creature seemed to subside, you still noticed the slightly burning, almost electric feelings radiate through your mind and body as your adrenaline continued to pump. The sound of a door swinging open, accompanied by 2 sets of footsteps signified that you were no longer alone with your captor. You held your breath, as if out of instinct to try and go undetected. Never imagining you would be in a situation like this, you were feeling helpless. You weren’t a fighter, but you were smart, you needed to wait until you had resources to use and right now with your senses being taken away from you, the only thing you had to go off of is what you were able to hear.
“Let me see that sample” a woman said as she walked to the far side of the room, her voice sounded aged, and muffled almost as if it were coming through a microphone. A machine whirred up followed by sounds of typing.
The three stood in silence, as one person, you assumed it was the woman, typed.
“What did you find?” The third person spoke up. A male, their voice older, gruff, and sturdy.
“It’s positive. She’s radiant. A discrepancy here must have caused her abilities to not activate, which is how they must have missed her and skipped to recruiting Gekko” The woman said.
Your eyes widened behind the fabric, were they talking about you? No, you couldn’t be a Radiant. Radiants are the ones who attacked Venice, and killed thousands in the city. Radiants are the ones who took your mother away from you. You weren’t one of them.
A new set of footsteps drew your focus back into the group. “Alright, perfect. That means we’re able to move on to phase 2 then?” The voice sent a shiver up your spine. This voice sounded like yours but it couldn’t be. The footsteps began to make their way closer to you. Feeling a pair of fingers loop onto the fabric and pull it down below your eyes, you took in your surroundings. In the room, a woman with a short black haircut wearing a mask around her nose and mouth, a hooded figure who seemed to be glowing, and a bearded man with a muscular build looked on from the background. Though, your stomach dropped when you saw your own smirking face staring back at you. The only thing letting you know you weren't truly staring at your own reflection was the faint glow of a yellow/gold on the inner iris of her (e/c) eyes, “it’s about time I finally get to look in the mirror” she said.
Your chest rising and falling as you began to hyperventilate, “who are you?” You tried to ask, but it only came out as a mixed mumble through the fabric covering your mouth. Your double began to hyperventilate as well, mocking your mumble before laughing, “Sorry, (y/n). Just trying to get into character.” She smiled, something about it sending a chill down your spine.
She began to reach towards your neck and you tried to squirm away from her hands only to be stopped by the chair you were bound to. She unclasped the locket you were wearing. The gift Mateo had given you before he left. You tried to protest, but your movements were unsuccessful as she removed the jewelry from your neck and placed it around her own, “Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of it, and him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reyna entered the infirmary, to see Sage hovering over Jett, a blue glow emitting from her palms. The outgoing girl who now lay still had begun to breathe again just hours before, but there was still more work to be done. Sage had worked on Mateo earlier, his gunshot wound being a more easy fix than the wound that took Jett. The healer had praised Killjoy and Reyna for the work they did on the field to keep Mateo’s breathing controlled, as it likely saved his life.
“How is she?” Reyna asked. She was always fond of Jett. The young agent had such an upbeat attitude about the world. Similar to Mateo.
“Better.” Sage said, a wave of exhaustion coming through her words.
“You should rest. recupera tu energía. I can watch them until you return.” Reyna looked over to Mateo’s sleeping form as well. Wingman sat at the edge of his infirmary bed, looking on with an expression of concern and worry as Sage worked on Jett.
“I will be okay, Reyna. Jett needs me right now. Besides, I have had great company.” Sage replied, looking up to smile at Wingman.
Reyna sighed, “You can help her more once you have rested. She is breathing now, I will alert you if that changes.”
Sage paused, looking up at Reyna and nodding, “Thank you.” She said, giving her a reassuring touch on her shoulder before leaving.
Walking over to the two beds, Reyna looked at Jett a moment before pulling a blanket up over the sleeping woman’s form. These two in the infirmary were too young to be the ones injured on this mission, and even Omen had agreed. Had Reyna called a retreat earlier, perhaps Jett wouldn’t have dashed in as a last ditch effort to try and defuse the spike only to be ambushed by an Omega Cypher and an Omega Harbor.
Grabbing a chair, Reyna pulled it up next to Mateo’s bed and sat down, Wingman quickly hobbling over to her. The woman gave the creature a quick pet of affection before resting her hand on Mateo’s. She should have realized quicker that he hadn’t been heard on the communicator and wasn’t in the gunfight. She should have been more alert that something had happened to him. She had promised his mother she would protect him, and now he lay in the infirmary after his first mission that she had led. “lo siento, no estaba allí, Mateo”
With her free hand, Reyna continued to pet Wingman, who had quickly fallen asleep under her touch. Lost in her thoughts, Reyna continued to listen to the rhythmic beeping of the machines that both Jett and Mateo were hooked up to. Eventually, Wingman began to stir slightly as he woke up, and as if on queue Mateo began to move as well, mumbling as he fought for consciousness, “…(y/n)” he groaned.
Reyna perked up, “Mateo, it’s okay, mi cariño”, She said in a soft voice, trying to calm her protege.
“(Y/n)….” He repeated.
“ella no está aquí, but you can contact her later”
Mateo opened his eyes and quickly sat up, as if waking up from a nightmare. He winced as he grabbed his shoulder, now alert he looked at Reyna, doing his best to ignore the waves of pain shooting through him.”
“No, Reyna... it’s (y/n). Lux is (y/n).” He said.
#gekko x female reader#gekko#gekko x reader#gekko x fem! reader#gekko valorant#valorant#reyna valorant#valorant protocol#the first light#fanfic#angst#valorant x reader#valorant x you#gekko x you#gekko x y/n#valorant x y/n#Gekko wingman#valorant fluff#fluff#valorant headcanons#female reader#neon valorant#jett valorant
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light yagami hcs but theres actually a psychoanalysis for some of them
— light has social anxiety. HEAR ME OUT!!!! he wouldnt admit it to anyone (himself included). for him it doesn’t manifest in the way where he apologizes for everything, stutters over his words, etc. instead; he grew up not able to make friends easily because it was always hard to relate when he was already so much more mentally developed than everyone else, and his mom caught on to this, so being the kind mother she is, sachiko tries to make him feel better about it because she thought that it upset him. same w his father. so growing up he was constantly told that he was just more mature than his peers and ir wasnt his fault, which caused him to develop a superiority complex, “i don’t have friends because im better than everyone else, and they bore me.” was probably his thought process, similar to how tomoko (watamote) is w her social anxiety, he blames everyone else for his loneliness rather than thinking there’s something wrong with him. again, similarly to tomoko, he changes the way he is to seem more normal even if he doesnt care to surround himself w people. he overthinks every conversation he has even before he becomes kira and is constantly questioning if he seemed normal enough 😧
— light likes carrot cake. no reason for this one except i rly like carrot cake so he obviously has to be the biggest fan of carrot cake ever
— if the death note didnt exist, and light didnt become kira and neither did anyone else, he would’ve experienced gifted kid burnout for the first time in his life being absolutely bored out of his mind, and he would’ve become severely depressed, borderline suicidal because it seemed like nothing mattered anymore and slowly but surely, he wouldve stopped having the motivation to participate in school, stopped trying to seem normal for the ppl around him, stopped talking to anyone in general, and likely became a recluse or kill himself. i say this bc i think the only reason he never became like that is bc he became kira, giving him a ‘purpose’ in life (passing judgement)
— light has a short temper, due to constantly having to mask around people. he tried to take his moms advice on making a friend in like 4th grade and when he came home, he went straight to his room, locked the door, and screamed into his pillow for a good 30 minutes from pure exhaustion and exasperation. safe to say he stayed polite after that, but never tried to have a genuine conversation with anyone ever again. this fueled his superiority complex probably, enforcing the belief that he was smarter and just generally better than everyone else around him.
— if he ever met beyond, b would absolutely test his patience. im under the belief that if they were acquaintances for a while, light would’ve tried to strangle b at least once. it would not work, and b would find that hilarious, because light doesnt like getting his hands dirty, and the first and only time he tries, he fails miserably. bloodmoon truthers i love you
— he has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces /ref (personally i hc him w npd, aspd, avpd, & ocd)
— he got a cat when he moved out of his parents house and would absolutely go batshit (even more so) if anything ever happened to it. like a john wick situation. also the cats name is ai (愛), meaning love in japanese :3
— bloodmoon hc #2 , in the situation where instead of dying, b finds light on the staircase and saves him, fixing him up himself instead of going to a hospital for obvious reasons. also light would give up ownership of the book to b, but would have the book with him at all times to keep his memories. light hates him at first both because b is a murderer and bc he reminds light too much of L. over time they become sort of replacements for each other. light sees L in b, and b sees A in light (physical similarities for both)
— light despises apples. hes always pictured w them bc of ryuk, but thats exactly why he hates them. ryuk would have him buy every apple he sees, or just apple themed things and light would be sooo pissed and yell at ryuk for draining his wallet
— light has a phobia of needles. whenever he has to get a shot or something he’ll keep a tight-lipped smile but would be freaking the fuck out in his mind
ummm thats all for now methinks. yea ^_^ light is literally me so this is all very real trust
#death note#light yagami#light death note#beyond birthday#bloodmoon#ryuk death note#light yagami hcs#canon trust
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I was suffering exhaustion so much mentally and emotionally i was in a spiral, every job I've tried to apply for kept denying me, each time it was just getting more and more peculiar how WHITE candidates who weren't even qualified for the job kept getting the job over me while i wws CONSTANTLY BEING DENIED EVERY SINGLE ONE, then a month or 2 ago i went to an open interview at Target and a white guy who was in dirty white shirt and smelled like fucking sewage came in and he was immediately offered the job after his interview while i was denied it after coming in well groomed, dressed, and smelling great, i even wore a fucking tie
[KEEP IN MIND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRESS PROFESSIONALLY ANY MORE TO BE QUALIFIED FOR JOBS OR WIN OVER SOMEONE AT AN INTERVIEW YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK THE PART AND DRESS ACCORDINGLY SIMPLE SHIRT WITH NO PROFANITY OR OBSCENITIES AND SOME NICE SLACKS OR JEANS]
BUT
Me, BEING BLACK knew i had to out dress and out sharp everyone else, because THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO DO!!!
But THIS TIME I applied for Sam's Club and got the interview immediately but come to find out no one in the place knew my interviewer whenever i called in they kept telling me i had to have more availability when i clearly stated at my interview "I AM OPEN COMPLETELY, I'LL TAKE WHATEVER POSITION I HAVE TO"
I WAS OPEN SCHEDULE WISE AND POSITION WISE, I was willing to do any position OPEN but they kept telling me that my application stated the opposite of what i put in, last night i literally cried, had anxiety attacks about how I'm going to eat, how I'm going to take care of my cats who often feel like the only ones who know i exist IRL, i always feel invisible and WORTHLESS, everyone always made me feel worthless and like I'm nothing especially schools, jobs, etc.
So i literally said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" TODAY, got up showered, put on MY CLOTHES I FEEL COMFORTABLE IN, but still dressed my ass off, i put my jewelry in, septum, nose ring, choker, bracelet, AND I WENT TO SAM'S CLUB AND DEMANDED TO SPEAK TO A
"BLACK MANAGER!!!!"
They sent me to a black woman, she pulled me into her office, and i told her everything....come to find out they had a person who wasn't a team member interview me, the team members who were all white managers were caught on camera planning to sabotage my interview so i wouldn't get a job there, they set it all up to turn me away and deny me ANYWAY, and the black lady literally went off on them in her office, apologized to me that they discriminated me, she had me autofill an application to work on HER side of the store and told me SHE would hire me on the spot, she interviewed me RIGHT THERE, helped me with my WOTC and everything else, and she HIRED ME IMMEDIATELY and told me "I'm hiring you because you took the initiative to be brave enough to come up here and demand to speak to a BLACK TEAM MEMBER when you felt like something was wrong, you took the gumption to come up here when you could've said FUCK THAT JOB, that's why I'm hiring you."
And the team members who were behind it were all fired and i could possibly be looking at a court case and be able to sue for what happened.....ALL THIS HAPPENED WITHIN ONE SINGLE MORNING!.....NOW PLEASE TELL ME AGAIN AS A WHITE PERSON DO Y'ALL STILL NOT FEEL LIKE IT'S ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING EVERYDAY TO WAKE UP A BLACK PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY!?
#black lives matter#black lgbtq#black trans women#black tumblr#black women#black men#black mental health#black history month
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What Do You Need To Release This Lunar Eclipse? 🌝❤️🔥🌞
~28th of October, 2023
Pick a Pile Reading
(Left to Right- Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3)
Hello, Senstea Souls!
Welcome to another collective tarot reading. I hope you chose your pile intuitively.
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Pile 1
Tarot Cards- The Star, King of Swords, 5 of Cups, 9 of Wands, 10 of Cups, 4 of Swords
Bottom of the deck- The Empress
Charm- Butterly
Hello, my beautiful pile 1. I hear, “I get overwhelmed so easily my anxiety creeps inside of me making it hard to breathe. What comes over me feels like I am somebody else.” During this eclipse, the universe is asking you to release self-doubt regarding your persona. People don't see who you truly are and the need for validation makes you feel trapped. But pile 1 I see how beautiful you are. Maybe some people think that you are weird but it's just that their taste is limited. Sometimes you see your worth and sometimes it hurts too bad when someone else cannot appreciate you for who you are. Who wouldn't like to be loved? It's time to change the way you approach things and the way you have been doing things. You're on the healing journey but all you need is a final breakthrough that finally pulls you out of this cycle of going to and fro from feeling worthy and unworthy. My dear pile 1 your wish regarding emotional fulfillment and being seen is coming true. You will soon finally be able to build strong boundaries and a loving relationship with someone. Someone around you appreciates you so much. This eclipse you are asked to release the grief and ignorance. You've thought enough, you've felt enough. It's time you let go and make the first move if you're hesitant to make an important decision. It's your thoughts and hurt that are trying to protect you from getting hurt again. But I can clearly see that you aren't going to get hurt. This eclipse spend time with the person you love. It can be anyone. Your family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend. Some of you wished for a certain connection for a very long time and you know it's healthy for you. You're a bit afraid though. Your mind knows that your wish is coming true in front of your eyes but it's your heart that is afraid of some kind of commitment. You're just replaying the old scenarios. You guys wished so hard and it's coming true. And now when the wish is coming true you're afraid. God, your heart! You still have a long way to go but please don't forget that you've come so far. But for what? To give up? Giving up is not in your cards pile 1. For many of you, I see it's love interest but even if it's something else please do what's needed to finally have this wish in your life. This situation is in your hands. Only you can do something about it. Make sure you do what's best for you! After doing so much just don't keep yourself in isolation or on the other side. I hear, “I am a little bit honest. I am starting to fear the things I have wanted. Like hold your hands and talking.” Don't be so arrogant to think that you don't deserve something too good to be true. God bless you, pile 1. I hope everything works out in your favor.
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Pile 2
Tarot cards- The Lovers, 6 of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, The Fool, Knight of Wands, King of Cups
Bottom of the deck- 3 Pentacles
Charm- Key
Hello, my dear pile 2. I see duality in your cards. Some of you seem to be in a dilemma about starting a new journey. Everything depends on your decision. The wheel will move as soon as you make the decision. So I wouldn't suggest you rush because soon you'll get the clarity. Perhaps on the day of the eclipse itself which is on the 28th of October. You've been working on something. For some of you, there is someone involved in what you have been working on. Maybe your decision affects someone and that is why you can't decide. But your cards are quite favorable so I definitely see victory for you, pile 2. A cycle is ending in your life and a new cycle is beginning. Don't let your emotions stop you from starting this new cycle. You'll love what's coming for you after making the right decision. Don't be impatient or competitive. I also see that some of you may have participated in a competition or something and are now waiting for the results. You guys are going to win this competition. Just don't wish bad for your competitors but hope for the best for yourself. But for others, I definitely see emotions that may come in between and you might feel unstable. So think before you act. There's a small tip here that says that you guys are missing a detail. Keep your eyes open. You are so excited about something and also overwhelmed at the same time that you might miss something so important for you to enjoy this victory or a new start. Pile 2, I see confidence in you but I also see that it will only take a moment for you to cross the line and become overconfident. If you apply for a job or something the chances of your selection are pretty good. Remember to use your words wisely. For some of you, I see that your words create magic. And such a gift must be taken care of. Your smile, your aura, and your thoughts are infectious. All you need to do is keep the balance. The moment you make a mistake everything can go downhill. So please release the need to talk unnecessarily or prove your point. Handle situations calmly and keep the balance. You guys are literally one decision away from the success. Keep your calm. Don't burn someone with your fire. Stay away from overoptimism, overconfidence, and overindulgence. Release if such emotions come to the surface and you will see everything working out for you. A new opportunity is definitely knocking at your door. Keep your eyes open. Keep yourself up to date and you won't miss a detail. God bless you, pile 2. May everything work out for you eventually.
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Pile 3
Tarot Cards- 3 of Wands, 3 of Swords, The Magician, Justice, 5 of Cups, The Hierophant
Bottom of the deck- The Moon
Charms- Dolphin, Fairy
Okay, pile 3. The first intuitive thought that I heard was, “Blame's on me.” A group of 3 I see. This is very specific but I feel there were 2 people involved who hurt you. As you choose to see the truth and not let any kind of illusions fool you for a minute, justice will be served. You were hoping for something good out of this bond but at the same time, I also feel that you too could sense that something was wrong. I feel your pain. I see it. Now you are on your own. For some of you, I see that you have already started healing which is amazing! But the hurt is still there. This eclipse is asking you to finally take the leap and sweep all this negativity out of your life. Don't keep a crumble. Though you're healing you're still keeping the story, the narrative, and the hurt. You still play the scenarios in your head and it hurts you. It's doing no good. You may think that you're not a good daughter/son, sibling, or friend. But that's not true my dear pile 3. If you start to let go of ALL the pain now then by the end of Scorpio season you will finally feel free and light. Your heart will again carry the same hope and love for the world. I also see that some of you feel useless. I would highly recommend you to do some selfless service. You'll see how much your presence makes a difference in this world. I hear, “I am still holding on to everything that's dead and gone. I don't wanna say goodbye cause this one means forever...ohh it hurts so hard for a million different reasons. You took the best of my heart and left the rest in pieces.” Pile 3 you feel responsible for holding onto the dead. You're not supposed to keep what's gone. Release it. Transform it into art or something you do. But don't keep it as it is. It will take time for you to release unresolved pain but you must begin this journey of taking EVERYTHING out of the system. From the outside, it seems that you have it under control but if someone asked your heart it would start bleeding again. Let it heal. Every day you touch the same wound. The only way to heal the wound is to stop touching it. Don't discuss it too much with others. Ask how can you heal. Participate in activities with your loved ones. You are halfway on this journey of healing and I am here to tell you that to make it to the end you must accept the truth and heal with the intention and understanding that one day it will only be a chapter in your life, you will be waving it a final goodbye. Just be honest with yourself. You know it's a bit comfortable where you are right now, in the middle, because you are not involved in the situation but you're not completely out of it either. You've got so much anger and hurt in your hurt. I hope you soon come out of this situation. Also, don't neglect yourself and your loved ones. God bless you, pile 3. I hope everything works out for you.
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#lunar eclipse#tarot cards#tarot reader#tarot readings#pick a pile reading#pick a lane#pick a picture#pick a pile#pick a photo#free tarot reading#message from spirit
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wibta if I started a different discord chat for my friend group just to exclude one person
I know it sounds bad and that I'm just starting shit but we've all been friends for 10+ years now so it's not something I'm considering lightly. We currently have a private discord server of just the 4 of us that we switched to as opposed to a traditional gc since we all have different phones and its good for having multiple conversations, quality photos and videos, and keeping a clear record of when and where plans are made
Anyway, this isn't a recent problem but the friend (A) has always had a tardiness problem it started with her not being able to wake up early in the morning but even if we have late night/afternoon plans she still can't get dressed and/or finish her makeup on time and causes us to be consistently at least 1 hour late which I was hoping she'd start growing out of after highschool but this isn't the case (we're now all 22+) and is especially frustrating when going out to eat bc by the time we leave all of us are hangry and expected to eat hours earlier. Recently A has started prioritizing other friends of hers which is nbd she can have other friends we all do except she'll drop plans last min with us to go with them which is also annoying bc it's disrespectful for the rest of us to be blown off like that. We're clearly not her priority anymore but she always expects to be ours, plans have to be on her work schedule, on her timeframe, on if she will be tired etc. plus being an afterthought leaves out a friend in the group (B) who had to move out of state with family and now he can't tell if we're making plans behind *his* back and he feels left in the dark when in truth he knows as much as I and the other local friend (C) do
It's to the point we've stopped doing any plans that start before like 2pm because we can't rely on her to be ready but she'll be upset if we don't wait for her while she's still getting ready, esp cuz we usually carpool, which already limits what we want to do together in the first place
However, it was my birthday recently and I'm currently ~2hr drive (no more than 3 with heavy traffic) from A and C, who doesn't have a car and needs to be picked up by A. I really wanted to go to my fav breakfast place and had some other plans for after and I kept emphasizing what time A needed to get here because the place closes early (they only serve breakfast). And at this point no one should be surprised she didn't arrive until after 1pm, after the place was closed, and at that point no one had eaten all day so we had to rush and find somewhere else that'd be open and nearby bc we were all starving and half my plans for the day were gone bc they were based on places we'd go after breakfast that also close in the afternoon (2-5 depending on the place) and since they are my closest friends and dont know my other friends who live closer and I've only known for less than 2 yrs (who I wasn't comfortable to ask for bday presents from yet still) (still got one from 1 even tho I insisted they didn't have to tho lol) they were the only people I made solid birthday plans with this year so it was really heartbreaking to deal with and have everything I was excited for be cancelled since it's hard for me to go out like this on my own w anxiety and busy work schedule too but I scheduled the day off. I was hoping that she would try even just a little bit because it was my birthday the one day I ask for literally anything and we rarely see each other now bc of conflicting work schedules and I DID plan for her to be semi late in secret but I didn't expect her to arrive for breakfast after 12
Anyway that's the whole backstory plus the recent straw on the camel's back but I just want to make a new chat between me, B, and C, to plan virtual movie and game nights bc she never reads the events chat anyway and all our online call plans grind to a halt for hours or days waiting for an answer bc at least C still wants to try and include A even tho her schedule is so busy or she's tired or will prob be late to the call and make us wait for her or cancel or leave early or we debate what game/movie A wants but she doesn't even NEED to be there it's just like.. Minecraft. Or a pirated 90s movie we're streaming or wtvr
I've tried saying like "hey I'm gonna be playing x on Saturday if anyone's free come and join me" but that usually just ends in me gaming alone bc it's so noncommittal the others will catch up on other work they have but really I'm just trying to hang with any of them even if 1 person can't make it at the time we don't always have to only call in a group yk?
A is nice otherwise like she's still my friend just planning anything with her is starting to be like pulling teeth and I still want to keep in touch with her and hear how she's doing from our discord server but stuff like that I just want to start separating her from weekly calls (which are currently more like monthly) bc she's so flakey but I know it's kinda shitty to purposefully leave her out and she'd be upset if she ever found out I was doing that.
I'm also open to advice on how to deal with this situation in general, thus the detail, without causing a huge fight or make anyone pick sides +her tardiness won't be something we can talk through it's something we've worked on for years and recently have just given up and accepted since she's late even to things that are important to her
What are these acronyms?
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Give me part 2 to the mind thing or I'm going to throw rocks through your window, you dumb whore
(Pretty pls??)
I got you! Please don't throw rocks in my window
~~~~
Soap stayed with Ghost for a while, letting him calm down.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. That's one of my least favorites."
"Did he do stuff like that a lot?"
Rather than answer, Ghost's hands tightened on him. Soap nodded a little.
"You're not useless. Or weak. You never were."
"I sucked as a kid." Ghost mumbled.
Soap shook his head. "No. No kid deserves that." He pulled him up, holding his arm. "You didn't deserve that."
"Thanks, Johnny. Come on. Let's keep looking." Ghost tugged him along. He didn't pull his arm away so Soap didn't let go. They found their way to a new memory.
It was them at the bar, when Ghost wore the ski mask instead of his balaclava. Soap could feel the anxiety rolling off of him, but to his credit, he had stayed there. Everything was so sharp. Everything, down to the last detail in vivid color.
"I was nervous. Didn't realize how scary it would be." Ghost leaned into him.
Soap looked around. "Still no door. Are you sure that's how we leave?"
Ghost nodded. "Yes... It always is. Those things don't change." He sighed. "It usually doesn't take this long. I'm sorry."
Soap hit his shoulder. "You mention its usually in the memory of the accident. Do you want to check there?"
"I... suppose." Simon sighed. "It would be faster." He led Soap around, holding tighter to him. “It’s a rough memory. I didn’t react well. I just wanted to warn you.”
The door was on the other side of the house, where the front door would be. Soap hadn’t noticed before, but there was Christmas music playing behind it and he could see lights underneath it.
“You can keep your eyes closed.” Soap offered.
“No. I’m okay.” Ghost promised. “I see it a lot.”
Soap nodded and tugged him gently into the room. It was as he expected. All three of them executed and laid out for Ghost to find.
He was so young looking. A lot closer to his Ghost than the one he was traveling with, but still. Maybe only Soap’s age. The scars on his face were there. Freshly healing still.
Ghost had clearly been expecting this. He stared at the scene, eyes flickering over them before his lip twitched. The laughter started and Soap flinched. It sounded so harsh. Cold and distant and choking like it was being ripped out of him.
He stepped closer to him and then started to look around, searching for something.
Soap felt his breath catch when he saw the tiny feet under the blanket.
Ghost started laughing harder, hands going to the gun on his belt. Even though he knew Ghost lived, knew because how else could be here, he still panicked watching him put that gun to his mouth. Watching him take the safety off. He felt Simon grip onto him, hiding his face in his shoulder.
Ghost dropped the gun and threw up in a trash can, body shaking. He trembled and Soap wanted to break this memory too. Wanted to pull away and comfort him, but Simon gripped him hard, not letting him.
“I’ve never been able to cry easily.” Simon explained. “My dad... I don’t know. My initial psych eval said it was psychological block. Apparently, its common for people to laugh instead.”
Soap nodded and looked around. “No door... Sorry, really thought that one would work.”
Simon sighed. “It’s not usually this well hidden. I’m getting tired.”
Soap frowned. That wasn’t good. “Okay. How about you wait in the living room and I’ll come get you when I find it?”
Simon nodded and let Soap push him onto the couch. His lithe frame folding up and shivering. Soap put a few blankets on him and tucked him in.
He was supposed to have more time, but if Ghost was slipping, he’d need to hurry up.
Soap went through the remaining doors quickly not sparing them much time.
Ghost beneath the bleachers with the guy from the party, lips locked together.
Ghost putting a bullet through someone’s skull while sniping, excitement clear in his eyes. Probably his first kill if this was considered significant.
Ghost and him. He did pause at this one.
They had stopped at their doors and looked at each other. Soap had waited, wanting nothing more than to be invited in. Ghost looked at him and Soap glowed. It was weird, seeing how Ghost saw him. He looked perfect. Without flaw.
He knew for a fact that night he had been dirty and sweaty, hair messed up. But you wouldn’t know any of that from this memory. Soap looked perfect still.
On instinct, he checked above Ghost’s head.
“You don’t deserve him.”
Oh, Simon. Soap watched him turn away and go inside, locking the door. Ghost started undressing and Soap noticed there were some injuries that definitely had not been reported. He watched Ghost bandage himself and then a flush started to build across his cheeks.
Soap wished he still had Simon here to explain why this is considered important but the words above Ghost’s head appeared first.
“Maybe I could try.”
Try to deserve him? No. That didn’t seem right. Most of the words were very self depreciative, he doubted it meant that.
He stepped back from the memory.
Last door. The metal one at the end of the hallway. Maybe he should get...
No. He’d be fine. Simon could continue to relax. If the door wasn’t there, they’d need to restrategize anyway.
He leaned his head against the door, hearing a suffocating nothingness.
Fun.
Soap took a deep breath. No time to be a bitch, Johnny.
He opened it and walked in, surprised to find how bright it was.
They were in a medical facility. A pretty nice one from the looks of it.
A surgery gone wrong? He had heard of people on anesthetic not losing consciousness but being paralyzed. Maybe Ghost had gone through something similar.
That thought was dashed when they dragged him in. Simon was fighting hard, face unscarred for the most part. He fought as hard as he could but there was two of them and he clearly had been beaten, blood running down his face from his nose.
They all spoke Spanish, but it was garbled. They tied Simon down, locking his hands and feet down so he couldn’t move.
He glared at them, tensing up. “I’ll fucking kill you.”
“Sure you will, perro.” One of them cooed, like he was a child who said something funny.
They grabbed a scalpel, but they hadn’t given him anything. He frowned, not understanding what they were doing.
The scalpel went straight through his skin, cutting down the middle from his sternum to his belly button. Ghost didn’t scream. Just sat there, looking elsewhere.
Soap watched them, bile rising in his throat. They flayed him until Soap could see straight to his ribs. Could see a few of his organs if he dared to look hard enough. Could see Ghost’s heart beating and then watched as they grabbed needles.
He focused on Ghost’s face instead of whatever they were about to do. Watched as he bit straight through his lip, blood pouring down his chin.
The memory didn’t end so much as went fuzzy. Everything got softer around the edges and then it sharpened again suddenly. Ghost tied with his hands behind his back in a different place, a woman in his lap. She held his face and made kissing noise but he tried to turn away, nose wrinkling. Both of them were undressed, but Soap didn’t want to look down. His eyes looked around panicked and Soap noticed a man with skull makeup painted on, watching with this sick grin on his face.
Ghost’s pupils were huge, bottles of opiates scattered and shattered on the floor.
And right behind him, red door, black handle.
Soap fled. He went straight to Simon, dragging him up.
“Come on. We’re going to have to do this fast okay? I don’t want you to look.” He held Simon’s face. “When we get out of here, we’re going to have a bourbon and I’m going to do this again okay?”
“Do wh-” Soap connected their lips briefly.
“When you have stubble and look like my Simon, I’ll give you a better one, yeah?” He knew he sounded frantic, but he needed this to be over. Needed to have Ghost safe in a med bay where he belonged.
Simon blushed and right above his head. “Starstruck”
That was a much better word.
“Okay. Let’s go.” Simon held on to him. Soap felt him tense as they neared him, but he didn’t falter. His hands dug into Soap, but even if he bruised him, he wouldn’t have cared. As long as he stayed right next to him, Soap could’ve ignored anything.
He looked up at Simon. “Why did this memory go fuzzy?”
“I dissociated. I did that a lot during this time.”
“You’re good at it. Learn that during your first tour?”
“Home.” Simon smiled at him, leaning down so they were face to face.
“Noticed you had a thing for football players. Did you know I played?”
“Course you did.”
“Did you play any sports?”
“Nah. I was in a band for a while.”
“What?? And none of those memories were considered significant to you?”
“Nope.” Simon smiled teasingly. “I would prefer to forget highschool happened honestly. And this. Like to focus on my time in the military.”
“Your time with me, ya mean?” Soap meant it as a joke, relieved that everything was going fuzzy and they would move to when Ghost woke up and the door.
“Maybe that’s part of it.” Simon admitted softly.
Soap yanked him hard and shoved him through that dumb door before he could even glance at the memory. They tumbled through the inky blackness and Soap felt him be ripped from it as he spiraled. Darkness was all consuming. All powerful.
And then he was back in bed. He shot up and the doctors quickly grabbed him.
“You’re good, sir.”
“Ghost?”
“Stabilized and probably waking up right now. Any di-” Soap got up and cut him off.
“Bye then.”
“Sir, we need to examine you t-”
“Nope. I’m good. I’m fine.” Soap walked right past him, going to Ghost instead.
Ghost was indeed awake and very angry. “If one more of you motherfuckers jabs me with a goddamn needle.”
“It’s an IV.”
“Get fucked.” Ghost hissed.
Soap relaxed. “LT.”
“Johnny.” Ghost turned towards him and the nurse stuck him.
Soap laughed. “Relax. They’re just making sure you’re okay.” He would never admit that he skipped out on his own examination.
Ghost huffed, back to his normal self. Mask on, everything tucked away. He reluctantly let them finish.
Soap grabbed one of the cookies he was offered, knowing that Ghost would not eat it while here since that would require lifting the mask.
Ghost glanced at him briefly before looking away. Soap moved a bit closer.
“You remember what I promised, right?”
Ghost stiffened. Soap wondered if he was blushing under there.
“A drink.”
“And a kiss remember?”
Ghost hummed. “I’ll be holding you to it.”
#Johnny Soap Mactavish#Simon Ghost Riley#Soap Cod#Ghost COD#Soapghost#Ghostsoap#Soap x Ghost#Ghost x Soap#Macriley#Call of Duty#Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2
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Chapter Nineteen (Part 2)
After we complete both films, we decide to watch something else. A non psychological thriller that perhaps, we won’t have to pretend to understand the plot this time.
“Let’s not get too confident about our intelligence.” Jen says as she polishes off her fifth beer, and we agree to find something light and fluffy for film three. We’ve finished all of the crisps by the end of the first film, and by the end of the second we’ve had almost all of the beers too, but it’s impossible not to want another Corona when your mouth is so salty yet you’re unable to stop grabbing for the snack bowl.
It’s been a long time since I was drunk around Jude and Jen, since the music festival, the place where I think we all did and said things that we regret, but it’s different now. We’re all two years older, and the experience of being drunk with them is more fun than it is anxiety inducing. Jen becomes a louder version of herself, like Jen with an exclamation point, making comments at everything that happens on screen and doing this hilarious snort laugh that I’ve never heard her do before. Jude becomes a bit undone the more he drinks, a looseness coming over all of him as he laughs along with her with his arm and head lolling over her lap. Still, despite this I notice that he’s careful not to direct any physical attention towards me and keeps his hands very chastely to himself as if trying to deliberately disprove Jen’s claims about how he’s liable to put them on me. At one point we accidentally touch feet and he switches positions on the floor so that there is a full metre between us.
After several minutes of aimlessly and tipsily messing around, we decide to watch something from Jen’s housemates DVD collection, Bridesmaids, a film none of us have seen yet, but have all heard it’s funny so it seems like the perfect remedy for our post-David-Lynch-film anxiety. At least, we agree, we’ll probably be able to understand what’s going on without googling it.
Jude resorts to picking the smallest, most broken up crumbs from the bottom of the crisp bowl to eat as the opening credits roll, and Jen quickly snatches it from him. “I’ll get you more food if you want more food.” She giggles. “You’d swear you were being starved, Hang on.” And she leaves to go and fetch him something else from the kitchen cupboard. I snuggle back into the sofa and hold a cushion, feeling the same lovely, warm feeling I’ve come to enjoy so much from drinking. I can only see the silhouette of Jude’s head contrasted against the bright television screen, his neat little haircut, and for some reason I think it might be funny to jab my toe into the back of his neck in time with the drum beats of the Universal Pictures theme as it plays on screen. Letting my drunk, mischievous little demons win.
“Oi.” He protests, and reaches out to grab my ankle.
“Let go!” I cackle, trying to twist out of his grip but he’s a boy. He’s strong. He doesn’t let me go, and instead holds me steady so he can tickle the sole of my foot. I immediately start shrieking and writhing about trying to kick myself free. “Oh my god, stop!” I beg. “My feet are so ticklish.”
“This is what you get for poking your toes into my neck.”
“Jude!” With my free foot I shove his shoulder, but then he grabs that one too, and I’m left hopelessly giggling on the sofa when Jen returns with a bag of jellies.
She smirks at us as she tosses them at his chest, and he has to release my ankles to catch them. “Are you enjoying the movie so far, lads?”
He rips open the bag and shushes her sharply. “Please, Jen, we’re trying to watch.” She plonks down on the sofa as the movie opens on a black screen, heavy breathing follows as we are thrown into a scene with Kristen Wiig and John Hamm in the throes of passion.
“Ah Jesus.” Jen comments. “So classic, another one of these awful scenes.”
Jude offers me a jelly over his shoulder and I take one. A little red and yellow ring.
“Another one?” I query.
“Yeah sure we were just talking about this recently, me and Jude. The way Hollywood does sex scenes is always awful. It’s like,” She gestures to the screen. “It never looks normal, it’s always just played up for comedic effect, like, do you know what I mean?”
“Kinda, yeah.” I say. “But I never really thought about it.”
“It’s alright to show egregious violence on film but it’s not okay to show ordinary sex, like they think it’d be too awkward if they made it look enjoyable.”
“This is a comedy film though, no?”
“Yeah but I mean in general. It pisses me off.”
“Hm. I suppose.” I bite my jelly ring in half as John Hamm does a ridiculous cross eyed face on the bed. “Like, they always make it seem like those women are having the time of their lives. She can’t be enjoying that.”
“No. I agree. Not with those moves.”
I laugh, feeling pleased to be genuinely qualified to participate in a conversation like this now that I’m miraculously not a virgin anymore. I attempt to say something a little bolder. “Right! Because like, it’s not that good, like it’s always a bit shit, they try to make it seem good on TV but it’s just not true.”
“Maybe, I dunno, I honestly wouldn’t know what it’s like for straight girls.”
“Not as good as everyone wants you to think it is.”
“Isn’t the whole thing about it that it’s meant to be nice?”
I shrug. “It’s fine.”
A laugh bursts out of her “Alright Evie.” She says, giving me a little incredulous side eye at the same time. “Who is it that’s been giving you a shite time?”
I feel my face flush, but try to laugh off my embarrassment. “No! It’s like, it’s okay, but it’s not amazing is it? The literal sex is the part you just kind of… do it… do it for them, right?”
“Hmm… I don’t know if I’m exactly qualified to answer that.” She rakes her fingers into the top of Jude’s hair and gently pulls his head back so he’s looking up at her. “Judey, what do you think?”
“What do I think?” He repeats, his Adam’s apple visible under the taut skin of his throat.
“Do you think girls are supposed to like sex?”
He laughs. “I wouldn’t know, I’ve never done it”
I feel as though I have to think extra hard to block any images from my mind at that moment that would allow me to think of him in ways that I’m certainly not supposed to. The existence of thoughts like these irritate me, like they just come on me without me meaning to, without me wanting them. I should be over this by now and yet…
Jen leans her head on her hand and regards me with a sly smile. “So who was it?”
“Who was who?”
“The unfortunate fella who’s awful in bed. Who was he?”
“Jen, so nosy.” Scolds Jude.
“Oh come on, we’re all friends here.” She protests. “It wasn’t that Slim Shady looking fecker from your birthday party was it?” She’s grinning because she’s sure it isn’t, because to her the idea of me sleeping with someone like Dean is hilarious, something that would be a bit embarrassing for me to do, and once again I feel looked down upon and judged for my choices.
“So?” I say defensively.
“Wait.” She says, touching Jude’s shoulder. “Was this the same guy who ripped that empty baggie of coke open in front of you and licked out the residue on the inside?”
“I…” He hesitates, eyes flashing briefly to mine. “I didn’t tell her that part.”
Jen covers her mouth. “Oh no!”
“It’s okay.” I say neutrally. “I don’t mind that, it’s fine.”
“Oh god, sorry.” She says, reaching out to touch my arm. “You’re not a thing though, right? Like surely it was just a kind of a fling thing, or?”
I sigh and glance away.
“Ah you’re not going out with him.” She insists. “Hardly, with Aldi Eminem.”
I catch a smile cracking through on Jude’s face then, and his head drops down as he tries to disguise his laugh, and that’s it. I’ve had enough of being laughed at, no, mocked by these two. I announce I’m going to the toilet and get up from the couch to walk away.
“Oh, wait, Evie! I’m so sorry!” Jen calls after me, but I don’t look back. “Oh, it’s okay, Jen, don’t worry about it.”
Then once I’m in the bathroom I stare at my reflection, my shoulders heaving with each breath, my hot hands clinging to the sides of the porcelain sink so tightly that I know my knuckles must be white. Not only am I angry, I’m also fairly drunk. Not really a recipe for success. I try to take deep, meditative breaths but my furious thoughts keep on erupting through. How dare they. I think. They don’t even know him like I do. How can they just sit there and laugh at him to my face like I’m stupid for liking him. Do they think I’m stupid? Are the things I do just a big joke to them?
It’s several minutes before I calm down a little bit, but still, the thing that rings most certain to me is that I no longer want to be here. I think about getting my bag and leaving, hoping maybe the long walk home will clear my head a bit. I can’t imagine anything worse than sleeping here, and then I open the door, and Jude is standing there, and I know there’s about to be a catastrophe.
“Evie.” He says. “Are you alright? I’m sorry.”
I close the door behind me and step out into the kitchen with him, aware that Jen is still sitting in the other room so I will have to speak quietly. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not like I was laughing at you, I’d never, it’s just that thing she said took me off guard.”
“It’s okay, I get it, like, it’s really funny that I’m seeing Dean, right?”
He sighs. “No, it’s not funny…”
“But what?” I prompt, because he looks like he’s struggling with whatever he really wants to say about it.
“I’m just surprised by it.” He blurts out. “Why that guy?”
“Why him?”
“Yeah.”
“Why anybody? Why does it matter to you?”
His eyes slide over towards Jen on the couch, the dialogue in Bridesmaids louder than the volume at which we’re speaking to each other, but still, he’s hesitant to say another word. He reaches for the handle of Jen’s bedroom door and opens it. “Can we just talk about this in here for a minute?”
I shrug. “Yeah, whatever.” And I step inside the room ahead of him and flip on the light. The rain is hammering against the window now as the skies have split open and unleashed something like an apocalyptic rainstorm. Sheets of water are sloshing down the glass, each wet streak glowing with the city lights outside.
Standing across from him with my arms crossed, I repeat my question to him as he shuts the door. “So? Why does it matter to you?”
He grimaces. “Isn’t he a bit of a weirdo?”
“No.”
“No?”
“You don’t know him.”
“You’re right, but I met him, and he freaked me the fuck out. There was absolutely nothing behind his eyes.”
“He was high, Jude, what do you expect?”
“It wasn’t only that though, he just gave me the creeps. His vibe was so off. Didn’t you ever feel it?”
“No.”
“Don’t be angry with me, I’m just-”
“What is it with you?” I demand. “Why do you get so involved in my life in this way?”
He pauses. “What do you mean?”
“I just want you to tell me why you care so much about who I go to bed with, or who I even choose to date, as if it’s any of your business, or actually, as if it even affects your life one tiny little bit.”
“It-”
“Actually, you’re being exactly the same way about Dean as you were about Liam.”
He blinks. “Liam?”
“Yes! For some weird reason you hated that I liked Liam. You were so horrible about him right from the start, like when you told me that stupid story about giving him fake weed, and made me feel embarrassed about fancying him, and the way you always talked about him like he was a total loser. Like, for what? What was the purpose of that? Just to poke your fingers around in someone else’s happiness and ruin it for fun?”
He looks incredulous. “Happiness? Come on, you didn’t fancy Liam.”
“I did!”
“You did not.” He insists, eyes wide. “He made you physically cringe! It was so obvious. Every time you were together and he put his hands on you you made this face like you’d touched wet food in the bottom of the sink. You were embarrassed to be around him long before I even told you that story.”
“I wasn’t, you got in the way! And now you’re trying to do the same thing with me and Dean. You can’t just back off and let me do what I want to do. And for what reason? It’s like, it’s not even like you have a clear motive. To me it just seems like you really like putting other guys down so that you come out looking better than them every time.”
“Fine, I was mean to Liam, and I regret that. We were fifteen when we gave him the fake joint, we were stupid children, but I’ve grown up since then. I never consciously drove a rift between you two, I don’t know, maybe he pissed me off a bit. Maybe I was jealous of him, but honestly I can’t really remember what I was thinking about that summer, I was a mess. But you didn’t fancy him, I’ll die on this hill.”
“You don’t know what I was thinking. He’s a nice person and I hurt him because of you.”
“Evie, Liam is fine. No doubt he hardly even remembers this. If it was because of me then it was because you let me ruin it. Subconsciously you wanted me to.”
I scoff. “Hardly. As if you were around us enough times to read all of that from us anyway.”
“Anyone can tell when a girl isn’t feeling it. I bet he knew it too.”
I hesitate. Liam did know. It was the whole reason for his frustration at me.
“Look, this isn’t about Liam. I don’t want to talk about him.” He says, and takes a deep breath. “But Dean…”
I stare at him warningly. “Dean is none of your business.”
“No… I know, I just can’t explain the feeling I get around him, and the feeling I get from you. Something about it feels bad.”
“So you’re trying to ruin it based on, what, a vibe?”
“I am not trying to ruin it.”
“I don’t understand why you keep insisting on making things so hard for me. Let me date a bloody boy, who cares? Your life will be so unbelievably unaffected by this, just go back to Berlin and live your life and stop thinking so hard about mine.”
“I don’t want to stop thinking about yours, I care about you.”
I stand there staring at him, hands dropping to my sides and clenching into fists. My inbreath quivers with fury. “I am still so angry with you.” I say quietly.
His face collapses in on itself a little bit, his inner eyebrows shooting up to create this desperately sad expression. “Why?”
I say nothing, he already knows why.
“If all this is about how I lost touch with you when I moved-”
“You didn’t even try to keep up with me. You gave me half hearted emails for like, three months, and even then your responses were so sporadic that you might as well have not bothered. So much for all that stuff you said to me at the festival about how you wanted to keep on knowing me, when actually, you didn’t care at all.”
“Of course I cared. I’m here now, I still care.”
“No, you know, I think you were messing with me the whole time. I think it was all about an ego boost for you, you wanted to mess around with my feelings, see what would happen if you flirted enough with the most naïve girl on the beach, break up her summer fling and see if you could get her to like you, just to prove that you could.”
“What?”
“And you’re still trying to do it, even now that you live in a different country you can’t surrender any control over my choices. You still see me that way, don’t you? Do you think it’s funny or something? Nobody else is allowed to have me, but you don’t want me either. You just want someone fawning after you and following you around and telling you how great you are. If you cared about me you’d have been here the whole time but you weren’t. You couldn’t even check in on me once, and I’m still angry about it. You just ran away and left me here on my own.” My words, and the ferocity of them make him flinch. For the first time since we’ve started arguing I feel like I’ve maybe been too harsh, but I believe in the validity of what I’ve said.
“I showed up to that going away party because I thought you’d want to say goodbye to me.” I continue. “But actually, I had a horrible, awkward night where you barely spoke to me, and instead made googly eyes at your ex. Then you didn’t even wake me up to have that breakfast you promised me.”
“What was I meant to do?” He says, sounding defeated. “Walk into the room and shake you awake? I hated the idea of invading your privacy like that, and I thought maybe you just wanted to sleep on, like, I don’t know, maybe you didn’t want to say goodbye to me after all.”
“Of course I did, it’s the thing I wanted most, couldn’t you tell?”
“I wanted you there that night.” He says, dark eyes wounded. “I had a different idea of that party in my head, but I felt so detached when you got there and it just got worse as the night went on. I don’t remember what I was thinking. I wasn’t sure of the right way to process what I was feeling.” His hand comes to his hair and messes up the front. “And, by the way, I don’t really know what you mean about Michelle. We broke up for a good reason and-”
“The way you were looking at her-”
“Okay, but between Michelle and you there was no competition.”
There’s a long, heavy pause between us then, and I feel my palms prickle, heart spurring in my chest. I draw my words out slowly. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it would have been you, every time. A million times.”
And I watch him. There’s something vulnerable and unguarded about him in that moment, his eyes darting anxiously across my face, his lips parted as though he has more to tell me, but then in an instant that look is gone, replaced by a line between his eyebrows. “It’s not a good idea to have this conversation.” He says decisively. “This old stuff, it’s not really worth revisiting.”
“Yeah, let’s not bother.” I say. “It’s not like it’s important.”
“Right.”
I swallow hard. “So with Dean, you don’t like that I’m with him because you think he’s a bad influence.”
He nods.
“Not because of any other reason.��
“I…” He trails off.
“Not because you want to sabotage another one of my romantic relationships out of jealousy.”
“Evie, it’s not… I can’t. I’m in love with somebody else, Astrid means the world to me, and it’s not fair of me to delve back into all that messy, teenage stuff with you. I don’t want to say anything else to you that I feel I can’t be honest with her about.”
“Right.”
“We’re friends, I don’t want to jeopardise that. I don’t want to make it complicated.”
Beginning // Prev // Next
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Hello I have request if you want to do it!
Yandere Rise Turtles that kidnapped the reader and the reader ignores them and stays quiet cause the reader pretty much trusted them and they broke their trust by kidnapping them.
Ah yes the "trust is broken" trope. Time to use all 6 of my braincells to write a theory that is totally impossible~
I know I shouldn't be saying this but I can't think of any ideas for rise rn so I would appreciate requests. Whenever I think of any I scrap it because I don't like how it sounds in the end haha.
Tw: trauma, anxiety, manipulation, delusions, arson (it's Mikey ok?), overprotective impulses, mentions of usage of medical drugs, unhealthy dependencies, I keep making Mikey a sociopath help
Yandere Turtles with Kidnapped MC who Doesn't Speak to them
Raph
I think he would have mixed feelings. The rational side of him perfectly understands why you would react this way; however, he also believes that you need to realize the purpose of his actions.
It's because he needs you so much! His brain can't comprehend being away from you for too long. He gets horrible anxiety if he's not able to cling onto you. So please understand! He's trying to get better but his thoughts just stab him mercilessly.
Despite his views, he doesn't try to pry too much. Sure, he might cry a little, and feel like a monster, but he doesn't talk more than needed. He wishes you answer, but if you need to go through such a state then so be it.
He'll still follow you around, as it's the bare minimum he can tolerate.
I, theoretically speaking, feel that anybody can tell he doesn't kidnap because of twisted/problematic views but rather the amount of trauma he's carried for so long. That being said, there is a way for MC to leave without having to escape.
A. Lot. Of. Therapy.
Consoling his problems is honestly the best way to go for Raph. He's willing to cooperate, and needs only help before he's back to normal. It'll take quite a bit of time, but it's better than being stuck in the lair for the rest of your life.
He apologizes a shit ton. Doesn't matter if you trust him or not, he apologizes.
"I'm sorry. I don't care whether you forgive me or not. I just want you to know that I regret everything."
Leo
Out of his brothers he's least likely to even try kidnapping.
The only case I can think of is if you lost trust for him due to his manipulation. Then he impulsively kidnaps you (it is way too fucking easy for him).
Once you go into your unresponsive state he'll pull the guilt tripping card. He believes if he continues to do so, your mind will trick you eventually. It hurts him that you don't want to answer voluntarily but it's nothing a little bit of psychology can't fix.
He acts like everything is fine while he waits. He'll talk to you, hug you, and anything else of that matter. It's not that he's delusional, rather he's trying to find ways to break you down.
There is a chance he'll lose his patience, and it can go two ways: 1. He breaks and tries to justify his actions. 2. He becomes delusional in a similar way Mikey Wazowski is.
I think there's equal chances for either possbilities.
To elaborate further for the two. When he breaks he'll go into a frenzy of sadness + frustration. He'll state that the reason why he even manipulated in the first place was because he felt useless and wanted you to rely on him for a lot of things. He's honest, and doesn't hide behind his mask. He'll interrogate why you don't depend on him. Let him take care of you, even for something as cutting up Warren Stone.
Now we get to talk about his developing of the "Mikey syndrome" we can call it.
His supposed mind games seem to backfire and work on him rather than you. Meaning, he forms a delusion that you still love and trust him after all the kidnapping and manipulation. He acts as if you guys are a normal couple. Which may be good for your case. He won't let you be independent for some things but you are able to leave the lair (with him by your side). No escaping though, he has his sword.
"I love you so much! I'm glad we understand each other so well."
D'Nello
Most likely to kidnap.
I think his reaction will result in a disaster. As I've written before he's an overprotective and controlling type; so it only makes sense that he declares your state of mind as an illness that he needs to take care of.
Try to ignore him all you want but this man can easily haul you into his lab, run through tests, and not acknowledge the obvious problem of the situation. He believes that you are in a fragile position so it'll only influence him more to "heal" you.
His methods of healing are both physical and mental. He'll check your brain's activity, find a pattern, and see if he can develop a drug that alters your mindset. On the mental counterpart, he talks on and on about psychology, and how to reset everything so that you can be "healthy" again.
If he notices you ignoring on purpose whenever he's speaking about your state of health then he'll snap at you until you listen. You don't have to talk, just be aware of the information leaking from him.
There is no chance of being totally released from his grasp. Not only does he have the advanced technology to ensure your chances of escape are nonexistent, but he is also unnegotiable. He's extremely lucid, but finds no wrong in his intentions as it is protecting someone from harm; when really it is him that is the harm.
Once you're stuck with him, you're fucked.
"Your mental state is nothing I can't fix. The brain can easily be assessed and its neurons can be altered with some drugs."
Mikey Mouse Club House
(I will never take his name seriously)
You are definitely going to be in a worse situation if you ignore Mikey. It's not that he's going to get angry or anything, he becomes more delusional.
He deludes himself into believing you're a god, so if you ignore him, it triggers him into thinking he needs to prove his worth before you give him the privilege of acknowledgment. Additionally, he'll find you even more divine.
He'll prove his worth in a multitude of ways; praising you, doing services, creating a literal book named "Ways to not Upset your God Lover <3". His chaos is terrifying, and it might be the best option to give a sentence to him occasionally otherwise he'll commit crimes far worse than you would ever think of.
If you don't, well let's just say...He'll burn people alive and leave a heart for every place he visits.
Here's one thing I want to express about Mikey. He also has a low chance of kidnapping. It may sound odd, but in my terms, I believe he thinks you're greater than him so it is his duty to follow every word you say. The reason I suppose he could kidnap you is that he wants to be closer.
If he does kidnap you, just say something like, "I want to go home" and he'll deliver you like he's a worker of Jeff Bezos. His mind is easy to figure out.
"Oh hi, baby! Don't mind the scorched-up wood here, just leaving a mark for the world to know my love for you~"
There are a few remains of the body left on the ground...
——————————————————
This was fun. I love analyses so much it's an addiction lmao
- Celina
#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere rottmnt#yandere tmnt#tmnt#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt 2018#raph#mikey#leo#donnie#Mikey wants to commit arson help
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Lullabies | E. M
Pairing: Eddie Munson x Anxious! gn! reader
Summary: Whenever you need him, Eddie will be there for you, whether it's because you're bored, lonely, or because anxiety is slowly consuming you. You just need to call him and he will quickly be in your room whispering lullabies to calm you down.
Content warnings: Descriptions of anxiety attack, pet names, swearing, Eddie being a softy, a little hurt/comfort (?, reader is anxious, reader cries, fluff, my bad English and writing (this needs a warning too, clearly).
Notes: The reader is not physically described, and I tried to make this gender neutral. Let me know if some part I messed with the pronouns or something. This was very self-indulgent of me because after watching the news today my anxiety started spiraling in my mind and I didn't know what to do to stop it, so i wrote this to make myself feel better. Also, i really need an Eddie in my life.
★゜・。。・゜☆゜・。。・゜★゜・。。・☆゜・。。・゜
You were standing by your phone, waiting for the other person to answer. The sounds of the phone only making you more anxious. It's 2 a.m. and you feel guilty for calling him so late, knowing he probably fell asleep not long ago after his gig at The Hideout.
Just as you were about to hang up, you hear him mumble a small "Hello?" in a sleepy, raspy voice on the other end of the line. You feel guiltier for that, you didn't want to disturb him while he was sleeping, but your anxiety was getting the better of you, and you know that hearing his voice would be one of the only things that could calm you down in this state.
"Is anyone there?" he could probably feel your deep, shaky breathing as you try to form words in your mouth, scared that he'd hang up if you didn't speak. "Listen bro, it's fucking 2 in the morning, please go bother someone else-" he couldn't finish his threat as you finally got the words out of your mouth, a whiny little "Babe" that you know he might be able to hear.
"Sweetheart, is that you? Is something wrong?" His tone of voice changes quickly, now sounding more awake and concerned. You never call him at night, even though he's told you a hundred times that if you need him, you just have to call anytime. But you never call him, and he knows it's because you don't want to bother him, or because you're embarrassed to ask for help when you need it. So, if you called him today at 2 am it's because something happened.
You keep silent with the phone to your ear, trying to calm your breathing to get to talk to him, but you can't, your mind is racing at the moment without giving you time to breathe or concentrate on anything. Your chest hurts from the breaths you are forcing out. Eddie is very worried about you on the other end of the line, and you hear how he's trying to gather his things quickly. "It's okay baby, I'd be there in ten, okay? I'll be there with you, just try to inhale and exhale for me".
You mumble a small "kay" as you try to focus on your breathing, your vision becomes blurry as tears begin to gather in your eyes. You hear a "See ya, love" before Eddie hangs up. Your hands shaking trying to put the phone back in place and failing miserably, just letting it hang up.
You sit on the floor with your head between your knees, waiting for Eddie to arrive. Nothing bad has happened to you, everything was fine one moment, but then you turn on the TV to watch some news and your mind starts spinning in thoughts about all the things that were happening outside, about everything that could happen to your loved ones, about what could happen to you. You really tried to stop the train of your thoughts, trying to concentrate on something else, but nothing really helps the anxiety that starts to run through your body like a creeper. Then, after a while trying to deal with it by yourself, Eddie's name comes to your mind, knowing that he could help you out of that hole you dug yourself.
You don't know how many minutes pass as you sit on the floor hugging your knees and trying to breathe, starting to feel dizzy for the lack of oxygen. But soon you hear your front door close and footsteps running toward your room. You know it's Eddie, because he has a spare key in case of emergencies or times when you feel too lazy to walk to the door to open it for him.
You soon feel his body on the floor next to you as his arms wrap around your body pulling you closer to him while he begins to place small kisses on the top of your head. You don't even know at what point you start sobbing into his chest, it was all getting too much for you. "Shh shh shh baby. It's okay" he coos "I need you to breathe, love, you're going to make you sick" as he says that, he lovingly grabs both sides of your head and arranges them so that your ear is pressed on his chest. The sound of his heartbeat instantly calms you down
He starts breathing deeply, trying to get you to copy him, and after a few tries and some supportive words whispered in your ears, like "you're doing great honey" "keep breathing like that" and "it's going to be okay", he achieves his purpose, getting your breathing to regulate. But even after that, he doesn't let you out of his arms, and you really don't want to let go at all. Feeling safe in his arms as he starts humming songs with his lips pressed to your head. You recognize some of the tunes as songs by metal bands he likes, but the way he hums the melodies and mumbles the words makes them sound like lullabies, soothing you as you start to feel calmer and sleepier.
Eddie never asks too many questions, knowing that you will talk to him when you feel ready to express how you feel. His priority is always to make you feel okay. Even if you wake him up at 2 am in the morning without even knowing what made you feel so anxious in the first place. He always takes the time to understand you and make you feel calm and loved.
There is no doubt that Eddie loves you with all his heart, and you love him as much as he does.
#eddie munson fluff#eddie munson comfort#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson x female reader#eddie munson x you#eddie munson#eddie munson x gn!reader#eddie munson x gender neutral reader#eddie munson x anxious reader#eddie munson x anxious!reader#anxiety#eddie munson hurt/comfort#joseph quinn#eddie munson oneshot#stranger things x reader#stranger things
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Unbreakable
Chapter 2
Pairing: Steve rogers x reader
Word count: 2.0k
Warning: anxiety attack, nothing else really, Marvin being a good boy!
A/N: I’m gonna be honest I forgot I was writing this but here is chapter 2.
Series masterlist
Ch 1
Marvin whined as he stood by you. He tried to push his snout in between your legs and chest but you pushed him away. You were distressed and having an anxiety attack and all Marvin wanted to do was his job, calm you down. It took another try but Marvin successfully got your attention. He nuzzled his head into your chest until he felt your hands scratch behind his ears and your breaths starting to slow down. Slow deep breaths and cuddling took a few minutes but you were able to calm down.
Your new boss had decided to yell at you over a virtual team meeting for something that ended up not being your fault. Even though he apologized it had triggered your anxiety. As soon as the meeting was over you began to cry and then it felt like you couldn’t breathe at all. You’re not even sure when you ended up curled up in the corner of the living room. It wasn’t until Marvin brought you a water bottle and medication that you realized where you were.
“You’re such a good boy, Marvin.” You kissed the top of his head as soon as you calmed down. “The only boy I’ll ever trust.” You said as you ran your hand over his fur to further ground you.
After taking another few minutes you got back up and sat at your desk. You grabbed the journal you had started to keep track of these occurrences and wrote it down. This was your fifth notebook since your therapist had suggested it. It was meant to show you the progress you were making but you didn’t feel like there was any progress. Still you gave it a shot. After finishing the rest of your work day you turn to Marvin who is sitting by your feet.
“Let’s go for a walk, Marvin. Go get your leash.” The German Shepherd perks up and heads toward the front door to grab his leash while you change.
Steve sat at his desk, a sketchbook opened to an unfinished sketch. It was the New York skyline or at least half of it. Usually sketching helped him calm down, focus his mind on one thing. But ever since he met you all he could think about was you. Since that day Steve had checked and double checked his phone. He hoped you would call him just so that he knew you were ok but as the days and then weeks went on he gave up that hope too. He flipped the blank pages of the book and found the one he made of you. That same night he opened it for the first time since before the blip and drew something, someone, beautiful. His thumb caressed your face as he thought of the fearful look you gave him when he stopped you in the hallway.
After checking his watch, Steve closed his sketchbook and headed out the door to another meeting.
At the last minute you decided to head to a meeting. You were still feeling on edge and just being around other people that could understand how you felt made you feel more at ease. Marvin sat at your side, his head on your lap in order to comfort you.
“Would anyone else like to share?”
Another woman raises her hand and she begins to tell her story. Not that different from your own. She did everything from working and paying the bills to cooking and cleaning while her now ex did nothing. She explained how it’s been a few years since she left but that sometimes certain things will trigger a panic attack. It was why she was at the meeting.
Once the meeting was over you walked up to the woman who had shared her story. Everyone was talking and getting some of the refreshments that had been laid out.
“Excuse me, Lisa?” You say softly and she turns to you. A warm smile gracing her lips.
“Hi.”
“I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. We- uh we share a few similarities.”
“Have you ever talked in the group?”
You shake your head and grip Marvin’s leash tighter.
“You aren’t ready for it?”
“No, I’m still new to this group.”
She nods and digs into her purse, taking out her phone. “Would you like to trade numbers? Maybe we could have coffee or something.”
“Yeah, that’d be nice.” You smile for the first time that day as you trade numbers and you give her your name. “Thanks.”
“Of course, we can try and meet this week.”
“I’d like that. I’ll see you later.” You wave goodbye and head out.
Another woman from the group walks out right after you and you can tell she’s even more afraid than you are. So you slow down your pace to walk silently with her. She only gives you a small smile as you get to the stairs. Marvin leads the way and he lets out a huff once you’re on the first floor. It seemed like there was a different support group also getting out at the same time. The woman waved at you and scurried away. You look back at the group of people that are milling about in the hallway and that’s when you see him. Steve is saying his goodbyes to someone and you turn and leave.
“Marvin you have got to be kidding me.” You complain when he decides to sniff a fire hydrant and lift his leg to relieve himself.
“Y/N?”
You turn to see Steve walking out of the building. He has a genuine expression of surprise to see you there and then he smiles. You swallow thickly as he gets just a little bit closer. There was no way for you to deny the little, teeny tiny, itty bitty happy flip your stomach does at seeing that smile. But no you couldn’t allow yourself to feel those types of things. They only ever got you hurt.
“Hi, Steve.”
“It’s nice to see you. Were you at the meeting? I didn’t see you.”
“I was at a different meeting.”
“Oh ok.” And then you say it, the lightbulb going on above his golden hair. “The other meeting here.”
You only nod and then look away. The way people looked at you always made you mad. You didn’t need pity.
“It’s Good you’ve found a group to help. My offer still stands, if you have my number that is.” He puts his hands in his pockets.
“I do.” You murmur.
“Good. Well see you around Y/N.” He smiles again. He really needed to stop doing that around you or you would do something dumb. Like inviting him to the dog park.
Steve threw the ball much further than he intended but Marvin loved it. Your furry best friend ran at full speed almost to the other side of the park.
“Sorry, sometimes I forget I’m not throwing the shield around.” His cheeks grow pink as he takes a seat on a neck next to you. “Thanks for inviting me, by the way.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
“So how have you been?”
“I’m ok, most days. How about you?” You asked as you pushed your glasses up the bridge of your nose.
Steve took a moment to think about it. Marvin ran back to him with the ball in his mouth. Steve grabbed it and threw it again, just not as far.
“I’m managing, most days at least. I lost two of my closest friends in the blip. There are these little moments between being asleep and waking up where I’m not fully conscious and my first thought is I should check on Bucky or I should go on a run with Sam. Then it hits me that they aren’t here.” He shrugs. “Those days are the hardest.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to say sorry, you didn’t fail at stopping the blip from happening.”
“I know,” you take the ball Marvin presents to you and throw it. “But whenever I wake up and remember my ex isn’t here I’m thankful that it did happen. Why couldn’t just the bad people disappear you know?”
“Yeah, I think that would give me a great reason to retire.”
The corner of your lips curled upward and it didn’t go unnoticed by Steve.
“What’s so funny?” He said with a smile of his own.
“Nothing,” you shrug. “Just that I forget that you’re like a gazillion years old.”
“Wow. A gazillion, that’s a new one.” He chuckles as you pull out a collapsible bowl and pour some water in it for Marvin.
“At least you don’t look like it.”
“My only saving grace.” Steve replies just as his phone starts ringing. “Give me a sec. Hello? Where? No, I'll be there. See you soon. Yeah, bye.”
You were already placing the collar on Marvin when Steve turned around to look at you.
“I need to go but… only if you feel comfortable, would you text me and let me know you got home safe?”
“I will try to Remember that.” You said as you stood.
“Ok, good. See you around Y/N.” Steve waved and left the park.
“Alright boy, let’s get home.”
Marvin stood up and moved to your side, waiting until you packed the drinking bowl he had used. Then you were off.
“What’s going on Nat?” Steve asked the minute he walked through the door.
“I know you said you didn’t want to do missions but we could really use the backup.”
“Who else is on the mission?”
“Myself, Rhodey and Rocket.” Nat said while she pleaded with her eyes. “You know I wouldn’t call you but these people are in serious trouble.”
“Fine, I’ll go.”
“Good. There’s a suit for you in your room.” She breathed a sigh of relief. “We leave in thirty.”
Steve didn’t say anything, he just gave her a quick nod before heading toward what used to be his room. What once was his home now only held memories of fighting and lost friendships along with failure. He didn’t like it at all. Not the emptiness or the quiet.
When Steve got to his old room he wasn’t surprised to find it covered in a thin layer of dust. The suit Nat mentioned was lying on the bed. He made quick work of getting changed and heading to the jet. It wasn’t until he was seated next to Nat that he finally cracked a smile as his phone chimed.
Unknown number: I made it home. Thanks for coming with us to the park. Marvin is one happy boy. 😊
Steve quickly saves your number before sending a quick reply.
“Who’s that?” Nat says as she peers over his shoulder.
“No one.”
“Hm, I’ve never smiled like that at messages from no one.”
Steve rolls his eyes. “Fine. I met her at one of the meetings I run.”
“Are you going to ask her out?”
“No. It’s not like that, I’m just here as a friend if she needs one.”
Nat studies Steve for a moment. They had grown close even before the team fell apart but more during those two years they were on the run. She could read him like a book and he knew it.
“But you like her.” A statement not a question.
“Yeah, she’s beautiful and seems sweet. A bit shy but I think that’s because of someone in her life.”
“What did they do?”
“I’m not sure. I think she suffered some form of abuse.”
“Hm. Well if you do decide to put yourself out there remember to be gentle with her. She probably has trust issues and rightfully so.” Nat smiles at him. “It could be good for you, to have someone outside of this mess. It would be good for her to have someone that would treat her right.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Are you two done with the heart to heart back there? We’re almost at the drop off point.” Rocket asks from the pilot’s seat.
Steve and Nat both stand and head to the back of the jet. Through the mission Steve can’t stop thinking about you.
He hopes he can see you again and show you that you can trust him.
Ch 3
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#steve rogers#captain america#steve x reader#steve rogers x reader#angst with a happy ending#unbreakable series
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