TAE TELLS: JIKOOK

It's taken me days to get round to making this blog post- commenting on another Jikooker's analysis.

Now y'all don't need me to provide a tall list on all the reasons that this a bad bad idea for me. Lol.

Been there. Done that. Doesn't end too well.

Mi nar wan treble wif gudt piipel.

But I also don't want to shy away from the conversation; whether or not Tae is good at keeping Jikook's secret. Whether that is a tell. If it is, does that mean all the times he's 'exposed' Jikook were wrong analysis etc.

Let me start off by saying, I totally admire this content creator. I don't have a particular favorite Video creator- most of my go to YouTube jikook content creators are Spanish speaking content creators, Karmy and a few Iarmy- a lot of whom have disappeared off of the surface of the internet over the years.

These days I watch just about anyone that shows up on my recommendation or home feed. Used to leave comments and what not but I've refrained from that due to privacy issues and prefer to share my thoughts on my blog instead.

Haven't seen a lot of her analysis, but hands down agree with a lot of the analysis she's made in the few I've binge watched so far- thanks to y'all who recommended her to me.

I think for the most part she knows what the fuxk she is doing. She definitely knows what she is talking about in her videos and I like that. I admire that.

I don't disagree with anything I've seen so far on her channel. Especially her thoughts on Kook. Fearless Kook. Absolutely love those.

I think she could have taken time to flesh out her theory on this whole 'Tae is good at keeping Jikook's secret' bit cos it seems that's what causing the stir? I don't know.

'If Tae is good at keeping people's secrets then there is no way he could have exposed Jikook blah blah blah'

Sigh.

Tuktukkers will jump on anything to invalidate Jikook. Sigh. Sigh.

I can't put words in her mouth, but I don't think she was interpreting Jimin's words to mean that Tae is good at keeping others' secrets and so cannot 'expose' Jikook like we been saying in this part of stan land.

And if she did mean it like that then I'm afraid I'd have to humbly disagree.

My understanding of Jimin's assertion that Tae is good at keeping a straight face when it comes to others' secret is that, he meant Tae has a strong poker face and it's hard to tell when he is lying or telling the truth sometimes.

That's all Jimin was saying. In my opinion.

Which honestly, it's truth. Tae is such an actor. A talented one at that. I mean have you been watching Run episodes?! Ayayaya.

I won't play Russian roulette with him cos imma end up with bullets in my head.

Play Texas hold'em with him at your own risk.

I mean he is the king of blank expressions in BTS. Isn't that why RM describes him as 4D?

He's only what, honed that- should we call it skills, since debut! He's become a master at it. Add his impeccable acting skills to it and its kaboom.

His blank expressions to me sometimes seem like a coping mechanism, if you will. And often times, he deliberately induces it to mask his feelings- when someone says something he finds annoying or something he is uncomfortable with.

A typical example is when JK read 'Tae Kook' in the comments during their VLive and he pretended he didn't know what the fuxk JK was talking about- prompting JK to explain to him that that was their ship name yadda yadda. Insert skull head.

Now we all know HE KNOWS TAE KOOK.

I saw a lot of jokers running around teasing Tuktukkers with the whole "look, your bias don't know y'all ship exists bye'

Listen, I'd join in on the joke- nothing makes me happy than jokers pulling some tuktukker legs but just as long as we all know and agree that's not true.

They all know of their ships.

They've known since the beginning.

They know everything.

When he said get out of your imagination I don't think it was because he had no ideas what homegal was going on about on Weverse.

Tae has many tells. When he exchanges awkward looks with RM or Jimin when Jikook or JK does something outrageous that's a tell.

When he passive aggressively smirks after revealing a detail on the whereabouts of Jimin at 1am that's equally a tell.

The slight head tilt when he says Jk don't want Jimin to come that's equally a tell.

He is very observant.

He loves to observe Jikook when they are up in their shenanigans. In my opinion. So when he is quietly looking at Jikook, observing them with no expression on his face that's equally a tell.

JK is not the only one always watching JM.

I mean he was stood right behind Jimin when he and JK were taking turns staring at eachother while Joonie was busy being eloquent. Tae saw all of that but didn't react to it.

In the recent OT7 VLive when Jimin called Jk too big or something Tae was right behind them and as I pointed out in my analysis on that, he looked away almost as soon as JK turned to look at him- JK was conscious of Tae and he knew Tae was looking at them through the viewfinder.

Sometimes he feels compelled to call them out on it too like he did in the dynamite MV when he blurted out, let's not look in the cameras when JK and Jikook were about to do their weird eye fucking absolutely gay stuff that they be doing from time to time.

All these are tells. To me at least. And I think in her video she was simply pointing out yet another tell of Taes- his blank expressions around Jikook in certain moments.

Having a poker face is one thing, having a blank expression is another.

Like I said his poker face is deliberate. He turns that on in various situations ranging from mild to not so serious circumstances like keeping others from finding out he is a mafia in a game etc.

His blank expressions are often times involuntary. His resting face. Sometimes I don't even think he realises he's blanked out.

When he don't know what to do with himself he blanks out. It's similar to how JK intensely focuses on Jimin when he doesn't know what to do with himself on set or when the cameras are rolling.

When he isn't intensely focusing on Jimin he becomes fidgety or sometimes does some really weird expressions that have popularly become various memes under the heading Jungshook.

It's not just Tae. It's not just Jimin. They all have their tells and go to expressions when they don't know what to do with themselves on camera.

Tae has a strong poker face, he is a master of blank expressions, and he is notoriously one of the most passive aggressive members in BTS.

Any of these can be tells depending on the context and situation.

-As long as we are able to distinguish between these moments and expressions I suppose.

His expression when Jikook were narrating the rain fight for example would be a blank expression and not a poker face in my opinion- a poker face is a deliberate state of induced expressionless demeanor.

Yes he had a blank expression. But I don't think that that was deliberate. That's just his go to resting face when he is not active in a moment most times.

I found his comment, 'that was a long time ago' much more telling that he knew about the rain fight and that expression of embarrassment he had on later equally said that he knew and thought Jikook were being gay unprovoked.

But that is my thought process.

I gotta respect hers too. It's valid.

Him going blank dead silence when Jimin said he loved waking up to see JK's face was more of that 'awkward, can't believe JM just did that shook moments' he gets around Jikook from time to time when they do something very shocking and gay.

I'd be lying if I said I understood what she was driving at with that bit in her video but I don't totally disagree with that.

By her stating that, I don't think she implied the opposite of it. Nor did Jimin by his statement.

Tae has a good poker face don't necessarily mean he is good at keeping secrets. I think it is much more nuanced than that.

I mean he is good at keeping your secret until he misses his best friend and soulmate then it's 'JK don't want Jimin to come' 🤺🤺🤺

Sometimes I wish Jimin were a triplet so I can slipt him between Tae, JK and RM. Suga and Hobi don't mind sharing him with the others and it seems Jin only wants his mirror so... Lmho.

And yes, Tae does give Jikook away from time to time- blank face or not.

I hope this helps??

Signed,

GOLDY

Ain't no pie like mah mather's chicken parm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  (IN GERMAN ACCENT) What's up? I'm Brüno.  (LAUGHING)  I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.No big deal. Whatever.  I am the host of Funkyzeit,  the most important TV fashion showin any German-speaking country,  apart from Germany.  Funkyzeit is über influential.  In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their livesaccording to my "In or Out" list.  In! Autism.  Aus. Chlamydia.  Why is autism so cool at the moment?  - Because it's funny.- Great.  BRÜNO: Through Funkyzeit,ich have done interviews  mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world.  Can you look into this camera and just say,  "You're watching Funkyzeit mit Brüno"?  You are watching Funkyzeit programmewith Brüno, and it's really a great show.  Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,even more like a kind of black guy?  You know, like an afrikanischer...  - Like this?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You are watchingFunkyzeit programme with Brüno.  Yo, man. Fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle.  Something maybe a bit more crazy.  Maybe show a bit of skinor something like that.  - No, I don't think so.- Or what about just like one Kugelsack?  One of the balls?  No.  And the most excitingand amazing thing in the town,  from the fashion streets of Milan,only for the German girls, my great hairs.  Yo, man.  Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy.  But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?  It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,and everyone's watching you,  so you have to make sure your walk is good.And, yeah.  Yeah, it's really hard,'cause you've gotta remember, like,  to put your right leg forwardand then put your left leg forward  and then, like, which one now?  Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.And then sometimes you even have to turn.  Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary.  BRÜNO: Being the host from Funkyzeit  means Brüno's alwaysseated on the front row.  Hi. How are you?  You have to lose some weight.  - The kettle is calling the pot black.- Oh, yeah?  Put your shoulders back.This is a fashion show, not a slave auction.  BRÜNO: Mein personal assistant,Kookus, is my rock.  He's also mein stylist.  - Do you think the glasses are too much?- Yeah, I'd lose them.  They're too much like, "Look at me.  "Hey, everybody, look at me.Look at my glasses."  - Yeah.- "Everybody, like, stare at my glasses."  BRÜNO: He's also my nutritionist.  (RETCHING)  Yeah, that is good.  BRÜNO: I have a second assistant,but ich can't remember its name.  Brüno has known true love twice in his life.  Once, for seven minutes with Millifrom Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever.  But for the last nine years,ich have been head über heels in love  mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel.  We're just like an ordinary couple,you know, boring, stay-at-home types.  (GROANS)  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  - Oh, my God. I feel it. You're getting so big.- (MOANING) Ja.  (LAUGHING)  DIESEL: Ooh!  - How much do you want?- Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly.  BRÜNO: In September 2008,I left for Milan Fashion Week  to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit.  Brüno had backstage access forthe hottest show of the week, de la Prada.  So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,a suit made entirely out of Velcro.  (PEOPLE CHATTERING)  I'm wearing this.  This is a prototype.It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms.  - Wow.- Pretty cool, right?  It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one?  - Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.- Okay.  - Thank you.- Yeah. Okay...  - Also... Yeah.- Can you go out, please?  We'll get out, but don't push me.  Yeah. Okay, no listen.We haven't finished the thing.  - You go out now.- Yeah.  Yeah, wait a second.  Take... Get this off...  Stop!  (PEOPLE CLAMOURING)  - Thank you.- Can someone help this guy?  Can you take...  (CROWD MURMURING)  BRÜNO: Wait. Get me out of this.Get me out of this.  (CROWD BOOING)  BRÜNO: Brüno was aus.  For the second time in a century,  the world had turnedon Austria's greatest man  just because he was brave enoughto try something new.  - No.- Okay.  BRÜNO: Brüno was schwarz-listed.  - I'm on the front row.- I don't think so.  (MALE GUARD SPEAKING)  I'm sorry.  BRÜNO: Und worst of all...  Hello?  (MAN CHATTERS ON PHONE)  ...ich was fired from Funkyzeit.  Ich realised that night that the fashion worldwas superficial und vacuous.  So, I decided instead to go to Los Angelesto become a celebrity.  Ich was going to bethe biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler.  What? I'm not coming.  - Why not?- Because you out. You humiliate me.  - I'm so sorry I humiliate you.- Okay. Gotta go.  Bye, baby, I love you.  Diesel, I love you. Diesel.  (BLOWING NOSE)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)  BRÜNO: Ich arrived in LA  und cunningly avoidedbeing snapped by the waiting paparazzi.  BRÜNO: No photos, please.Do you want another Diana on your hands?  BRÜNO: Mein Plan was to become  the biggest gay movie starsince Schwarzenegger.  Maximum Santzgaut!  Also, ich headed to my first meetingmit a Hollywood über agent.  So my name's Brüno.I was born in Klagenfurt.  I'm 19 years old. And, of course,you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit.  Okay. Well, I understandthat you took a look at a side  that I wanted you to think aboutfrom the Jerry Maguire show.  And I wouldn't mindhearing you try that out.  Okay, great.  - "Jerry enters."- No.  - "Dorothy seated."- Just start with the word "hello."  "Hello. Hello.  "I'm looking for my wife!  - "Shut up, women." That was improvisation.- Fine.  "I couldn't hear your voiceor laugh about it with you."  (LAUGHING)  - All right, let me stop... Wait.- No, wait, wait. I...  Let me stop for two minutes.Let me stop you right there.  Nowhere in the script does it say  he pauses for an inordinate period of time.  You're here becauseyou are looking to do feature films.  I wanna be a star.  - In?- In a huge Hollywood movie.  - Can you make that happen?- No.  - What?- I definitely cannot.  BRÜNO: But he did get me a starring rolein a top TVshow as an extra.  DIRECTOR 1: All right, picture's next.Last looks, please.  (SIGHS)  CREW MEMBER: Set.  DIRECTOR 1: Background.DIRECTOR 2: Action.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon.  (BRÜNO CLICKING TONGUE)  The defendant, as you know,  has served our municipalityfor more than 12 years as city controller.  So I was pained to learn that his debts  compelled him to accepthundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes.  - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- (WHISPERING) Just do a little bit less.  - More or less?- Less.  - Less. Okay.- Yeah.  (WHISPERING) Sure. Thank you.  (CLEARS THROAT)  CREW MEMBER: Set.DIRECTOR 2: Action.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon.  As you know, the defendant hasserved our municipality as city controller  for more than 12 years,  and I have known him personallyfor most of that time.  So I was very pained to learn that  his personal debtscompelled him to accept bribes.  - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- Here, I'll take that.  - Okay.- Thank you.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  BRÜNO: Sorry.  DIRECTOR 1: Should we just go again?DIRECTOR 2: Okay.  (SIGHS)  As you know, the defendant  has served this municipalityas city controller for more than 12 years,  and I have personally known himfor most of that time.  That is why I was very pained to learn...  Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.Could we go again?  This way.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  You were actually my second choice.  I was going to go to the salon that maintainsSalma Hayek's inner thighs,  but the team that do it were booked upfor the next four days  because she's got the Elle Style Awards.  And they said they're, like, really,really exhausted after they do her.  They're exhaustedafter they wax Salma Hayek?  She must have a lot of hair.  They say that after a waxing,there's enough to stuff a mattress.  Well. Speaking of rectums,let's get you clean.  - Okay. There we go.- There's not much.  Yeah, sure.  (RIPS)  There you go. Now there's wax in there.  (CELL PHONE RINGING)  Telephone.  - Hello?- Hey, how you doing, man?  Lloyd, hi. How are you?  I just got off the phone with the network.They've agreed to do a screening.  Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut!  In two days. I got them to payfor a focus group for the show.  I think you just scraped my anus.  WAXER: I did. I got you clean.  BRÜNO: My stinker is slightly burning.Is that normal?  What?  No, that was to the lady who is...I'm in the salon, yes.  She's just washing my Arschwitz.  LLO YD: Is there any way we can getsomething together enough to put it on?  - Okay, sure.- All right. I'm gonna call them right now.  Are you using Vaseline?  WAXER: No, lotion.  BRÜNO: Could you take your fingerout of my Arschenholer?  All right. I think, guys, we're finished.  Once again, "Can you take my finger,your finger out of my ass,"  is what the guy just said on the phone.  No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.I was just talking to the woman here.  Who's got the audio?  I want to hear the audio back.I want you to hear...  I want you to hear what this fool is saying.  Play it back. Talking about what?His asshole.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (HUSHING IN GERMAN)  Can you be quiet?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in?  Do any of you guyswant to make some more money?  (WHISTLES)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  - Hi. How are you?- Hi.  - I'm Brüno. Great to have you here.- It's nice to meet you.  Come and sit on our great furniture.  These are our Mexican chair people.  Demi Moore has two of them in her house.  Yeah, if you sit here.  If you sit on that one.  Also, so tell me aboutyour humanitarian work.  How important is it for youto help other people?  It's like the air that I breatheand the water that I drink.  - Please, have some water.- It is extremely, extremely important for me.  You give love to other peopleand you get love back in spades.  And I just feel like that's been my life.  Great. You must be hungry.Let's bring in some food.  Oh, my God.  BRÜNO: Have some.ABDUL: Yeah, this is really bad for me.  I'm sorry. This is really not good.  We're leaving.  BRÜNO: Come back, please.Can you please come back?  LUTZ: Yes, yes, I understand.But I was thinking...  Okay, but... Okay. Okay. Okay.  Yes. Thank you.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SIGHS) Minimum Santzgaut.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Puffy Vater?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Reese Witterspinzel?  Stevie Wunderbar?  Wilhelm Schmidt?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  Bradolf Pittler?  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  I think this focus group is really gonna be  a very interesting exampleof how it's gonna play out.  I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford.  - Very good. Very good.- Yes.  So, you probably already know, todaywe're going to be looking at a new TV show,  A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Brüno.  - Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.- Lloyd, Denny Bond.  Hi. Hi. Great.  Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spokesince the other day  when I was getting my anus bleached.  (ALL LAUGHING)  We won't go there, please.  - We won't go there. Yeah.- That was a very  difficult issue on the phone.  And it's very importantwhat scores you give it,  because if the show scores over an 85º%,  the network's obviouslygonna be very interested. So take a look.  - Absolutely.- Congratulations.  BRÜNO ON TV: Who's ready to max outwith loads of celebrities? I am.  Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out.  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)  - BRÜNO ON TV: How are you?- Great. Thank you for having me.  Okay, so this is the part of the show,  it's called Future Kinder.People who are pregnant,  we've managed to get the ultrasound photos.  - It's totally great.- Okay.  - What's her name?- Jamie Lynn.  Jamie Lynn Spears.I mean, is she a celebrity?  No.  (LAUGHING)  Okay, let's seewhat she's got in her stomach.  All right. What do you think there?Is that a white-trash foetus?  Yeah. Totally.  She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister.  Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.Am I right?  Worse. I think, like, D.  Do you think this kid is retarded?  Definitely the hands look way too big,  and the ears, like,have not been developed yet.  - Yeah, so keep it or abort it?- Abort it.  (SIGHS)  Und now, my exclusive interviewmit Harrison Ford  is only moments away.But first, some more dancing mit Brüno.  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)  That's right.It's the time you've all been waiting for.  It's my one-on-one,exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford.  - Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.- Fuck off!  (LAUGHING)  What's that?  (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)  That's actually mine.  - More champagne?- No, I'm fine, thanks.  Brüno!  The end bit was Lloyd's idea.  The last bit was? Lloyd's?  So if you coulddescribe this show in one sentence...  Can anybody give me one sentence?  - Go ahead.- The worst piece of crap I have ever seen.  There's always one who's against it. Those...  In any group, there's always one.  What sick human being came upwith something like this?  Well, there's always two.There's always two.  I wanted to poke my eyes outwith hot needles.  You'd have to borrow the needles from me.  Lloyd, we need to distract him  - from listening to this.- You can't. You can't.  - We need to distract him.- You can't.  - Kiss me.- No.  No logical personwould consider a show like this  unless they hadsome sort of a mental or moral defect.  WOMAN: Everything.  Oh, my God.  BRÜNO: Let me have a look at those.  "The host is a talentless idiot."  Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot?  - I would say that it is.- MAN: Yeah, yeah.  Please, where you going?  Please, this is my career.I put all my money into this.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul,  who was the 2008 presidential candidate.  So tell me, who are you wearing?  Well, I don't even knowbecause it's pretty conventional.  And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary.  But the message is not ordinary.  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  Sure.  - Do you want some champagne?- I don't care for any. No.  There's no ice bucket,but I know a good place to put it.  (LAUGHS)  Yeah, you were great in there.Have you done a lot of television before?  Well, off and on throughout the years.This last year, a tremendous amount.  - Sure.- I do a lot of them.  Do you want some strawberries  - or maybe some oysters?- No, I'm okay.  I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay.  Really loosens you up.  Has anyone ever told youyou look like Enrique Iglesias?  Of course not. You're much cuter.  (LAUGHS)  I love music.  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYINGON STEREO)  And dancing. I used to be a dancer.  (CLEARS THROAT)  Whoops.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  - All right! Get out of here!- What?  - All right, this has ended.- BRÜNO: What's going on?  PAUL: That guy is queerer than the blazes.He took his clothes off. Let's get going.  - WOMAN: What happened?- He's queer. He's crazy.  He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off.  BRÜNO: I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul.  How would I become weltfamous?  Ich decided to seek advicefrom the wisest guy I'd ever known.  I wanna speak to Milli  from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli.  Is he in heaven?And if so, is he in the VIP section there?  He says he's in a placewith green trees and flowers.  Can I ask him if he has any advice for me?  (EXHALES)  He says there's some sort of thing that youwill set up, like a foundation or something,  where there will be other people involvedthat will benefit.  Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,then I'll definitely become world famous.  Absolutely.  There's something that he could dothat could make me incredibly happy.  - Can I kiss him now?- Of course.  (SPITS)  (MUMBLING)  (SNORTS)  (GAGGING)  (GROANING)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (PANTS)  Well, good luck with your life.  BRÜNO: Thanks to Milli,ich could now see clearly  despite having an eyeful of Schpunken.  Charity was a great way to become famous.  Also, Brüno just needed to findthe hottest world tragedy to fix.  I want a charity that doesn't involvetoo much effort,  but is gonna really make a difference,you know, really put me into the A-list.  Is there something that you, like,that you believe in?  Well, I'm really into issues.  Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse.  - So...- Great.  Now, I think that would be...That's something to get involved now,  so, we can just help ease the...  Like, after us, in order to help for our future.  In order for everyone... It's justa beneficial thing to be involved with now.  I'm really into doing somethingmaybe for Africa.  - Okay.- Is that still cool or...  Saving some kind of extinct animal.What's going extinct right now?  - I don't know, like elephants or something.- And then make bracelets?  That's so bad. Never mind.I was gonna say make bracelets out of a...  Make bracelets out of the extinct animal?  That's not gonna really work though,because you need the...  You can't take from the extinct animal.  What's the coolest type of charityto get into at the moment?  Save Dafar?  - Save what?- Save Dafar.  - Save Dafar, yeah.- Angelina Jolie.  Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that?  Yeah, that's in the... It's in... Yeah.  Yeah.  Is there anywhere in the worldthat no celebrity has tried to fix?  Darfur is the big one now.  - Yeah, no, it is.- What's the new one? What's Dar-five?  - Yeah.- Yeah.  BRÜNO: Ich was going to become famousby solving a world problem.  But which one?  Clooney's got Darfur.  Sting's got the Amazon,and Bono's got AIDS.  Luckily, there was still one shitholeleft to fix,  the Middle-earth.  Mein Plan was to get both sides to signa peace deal in front of the world's press,  making Brüno über famous.  Hi, I love your hat. It's great.  (BRÜNO SPEAKING SPANISH)  Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs?  (MAN YELLING)  BRÜNO: Lutz! Lutz! Start the car!  Lutz!  Why are you so anti-hummus?  I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy?  You're confusing Hamaswith hummus, I believe.  - Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.- Do you think  there is a relationbetween Hamas and hummus?  So was the founder of Hamas a chef?  He had created the foodand then got lots of followers.  Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.It's a food. Okay? We eat it. They eat it.  It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans.  Well, do you both agree on that?  We both agree that hummus is very healthy.  So we're making progress.  Let's try and get a solution, right?  'Cause I'm not gonna be here forever.Will you, the Palestinians,  agree to give the pyramids backto the Israelis?  This is in Egypt. Not in Palestine.  I don't care where you put them.Give them back.  This is about gaining somethingfor your own people  whether you believe it,whether you were convinced to do that.  - But in any case...- All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend.  - All right.- SELA: Civil rights...  BRÜNO: If I did not get these queens to signa peace deal soon,  I would not become famous.  So I decided to think outsidethe Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung.  I've written a song that I thinkis gonna help us make peace.  In fact, I know it will.  (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)  (SINGING) I've written a song  that I hope is gonna bring you two together  It's time for this war to end  Jews and Hindus, you be friends  This is the Middle East  Creating love is my mission  Don't kill each other  Shoot a Christian  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Yeah, a bit more than that.  BRÜNO: Ich was out of options.  My song hadn't worked, und I didn't haveenough ecstasy for everyone.  Ich was ready to give upwhen I suddenly remembered something  that the Jude had said.  SELA: In the last few years,people were kidnapped,  and then they wouldbroadcast it to the whole world.  - To the whole world?- Yeah.  So what, the whole world gets to see  - these hostage videos?- Of course. Of course.  BRÜNO: Ich would become famousby getting kidnapped.  I am going to say somethingthat is gonna get you so angry  that if you've got a gun on you,you're gonna pull it out  - and shoot me in the head. Are you ready?- Yeah.  Your hair is sun damaged.  (MALE TRANSLATORSPEAKING ARABIC)  I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous.  And I want the best guys in the businessto kidnap me. Al-Qaeda is so 2001.  I don't like.  Can I give you guys a word of advice?  Lose the beards, because your King Osama  looks like a kind of dirty wizardor a homeless Santa.  (SPEAKING ARABIC)  (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING ARABIC)  (SPEAKING ARABIC)  TRANSLATOR: Get out. Get out now.  BRÜNO: Ich was encouragedto leave the Middle East.  But Brüno had a new plan.  It involved stopping off in Africa  on the way home for a little bit of shopping.  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  BRÜNO: Mein little afrikanischerFreund was going to get me  on the cover of every magazine.  Also, ich hired a top photographer  und held a casting forthe hottest baby photo shoot ever.  (CAMERA CLICKING)  We're gonna do like this religious theme  where my baby is gonna beon a crucifix playing Jesus  even though my baby's black.So it's pretty cool, no?  That's cool.It's kind of like that Madonna video.  Yeah, it's really edgy.You know, we're turning it on its head.  Why not? Come on. Whatever.  So. We're looking for two thievesto be on the crucifixes next to my baby.  Would you be ready for your babyto be strung up on a crucifix next to mine?  Fine. Yeah, I don't mind herbeing up on a crucifix.  Sure.  Is your baby comfortable with bees,wasps and hornets?  George is comfortable with everything.He's fine.  Is he comfortable with deador dying animals?  Yes.  Great.  Amateur science?  What do you mean by that?  You know, some untrained peopleconducting scientific experiments.  - Should be fine.- You know,  her mixing the pots of acid and that type...  - Okay.- And so it's a yes.  - Yes.- Great.  Is she okay withextremely rapid acceleration?  (LAUGHING) Yes.  - Okay.- Yes.  Does she always have to be in a car seat,or can she just, like, freestyle it?  Yeah. You can freestyle it,put her in a car seat. Whatever.  If it looks better without the car seat...  Of course. Of course.  So what? You're travelling fast.You're not gonna kill it.  Of course. Of course.  Is your baby finewith antiquated heavy machinery?  Yeah, she's fine. She's been around that.  Would she be fine to operate them?  - Yes.- Great.  Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus?  Yes.  Excellent. Does he like it?  - Loves it.- Good.  A little sensitive subject here.How much does she weigh?  She's about 30 pounds.  - Thirty pounds.- Yes. Approximately.  Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week?  In the next week, seven days.  Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could.  If there's a problem losing the weight,  would you be ready to have Oliviaundergo liposuction?  If that was a last resortand she didn't lose the few pounds,  then, yeah, we'd have to do that.  Great. Fantastisch news.  We have chosen your babyto be dressed as a Nazi officer  pushing a wheelbarrow with another babyas a Jew in it into an oven.  Into an oven?  Congratulations. How do you feel?  - Great, if she got the job. That's great.- Yeah.  (SINGING LULLABY IN GERMAN)  (BOTH SINGING IN GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  O.J., you're going to be on television.  (RAP MUSIC PLAYINGON HEADPHONES)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (EXCLAIMS)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (HONKS)  Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey.  Now, our next guest is a single parent.Please welcome Brüno.  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  Where are you from?  I'm from Austria.  Austria. And what are your impressionsof the American people?  You see a lot of them out here.  I gotta say, I love American people,and I love African-American people.  You're the best. You guys are the best.  All right, all right.Now, you are a single parent.  - Yeah.- Most people think that a child  should have two parents.  It is, like, really difficult, you know,  bringing up a child without another parent.Am I right?  - Right.- Right.  I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.Am I right?  WOMAN 1: True that. True that.  I'm hoping that I find Mr Right. Am I right?  - No!- No!  WOMAN 2: No, no, no, no, no.  Well, honey, you need to get it together.Sugar, you're lost and confused.  - BEY: All right, now...- Listen, you're just jealous  'cause you know I can get any guy here.  WOMAN 3: Go get them!  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  BEY: You brought your son here today?  - BRÜNO: That's right.- Can we see your son?  Yeah, sure.  MAN: No. No.  BEY: All right, this is...  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  - What?- Where did they allow you  to get your baby from?Is your baby from Australia?  I was in the Middle East, like,solving the crisis there.  No big deal. Whatever.  And I flew back here to America,  und I stopped over in this countrycalled Africa, right?  Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.Get it right.  Well, it is full of African-Americans.  It's full of Africans.It's full of people of African descent.  No. That's a racist thing to call them.African-Americans is the right word.  No. African-Americans are here.  (AUDIENCE DISAGREEING)  No, they're calledAfrican-Americans, girlfriend.  No, fool.  BEY: All right. So how did you find your son?  I swapped him.  WOMAN 1: You swapped him?WOMAN 2: What?  (AUDIENCE CHATTERING)  Swapped the baby for what?  - For an iPod.- What?  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Not just any iPod.  One that was, like, limited edition, red.A U2 iPod. Heard of it?  BEY: All right, but wait a second.You are the baby's father now.  And you chose to dress that baby upin a T-shirt that says what?  Gayby.  That's not the baby's name, is it?  No. I gave him, like,a traditional African name.  So what's the baby's name?  O.J.  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  BEY: Stand up, please.  I think you're using him as an accessory.  I think maybe because he's a black babythat might be your cue,  like how some people walk in the parkwith dogs to pick up girls,  that might be your cueto get maybe a down-low brother.  I don't know. What do you think?  I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet.  (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING)  You brought some photographsthat you took with the child because...  I guess to demonstratehow much you love the child.  We're going to put them up on this screen.  That's the first shot.  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Let's see the next picture.  You're gonna burn in hell for that one.  That's some mess.  All right. Do we have another photo,or is that the last one?  There we go.  What is going on here?  If I'm having fun,I want little O.J. to come with me.  I want him to have fun with me.  BEY: Hold on. Hold on. What's that?  - What is that?- BRÜNO: Someone's scared.  - BEY: You're making the audience leave.- They are scared of the truth.  Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead.  Listen, I don't see how you can even walkout of here with that baby in your hands  without someone stopping youand taking that baby out of your possession.  All right, well, you know,there is a finale to this talk show.  Please welcome Shatonya Migginsfrom the State Child Services Department.  Take the baby.  What would be the opinion,the legal opinion of the state,  which is empowered to look after childrenand their welfare?  This child is here illegally.  No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother.  And at this time, we're taking the childinto protective custody.  - You are not doing that. You're not taking...- MIGGINS: The child is going...  Get off me. That is my baby.  Give him back! Give me my baby back!  Give me my baby! Give him back!  Come on! Back!  Give me my baby back!  O. J! Give me my baby! Give me my...  Give me my baby! O. J!  O. J!  O. J! Give me my baby back!  You want some pie today?  Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years,  since I was, you know, four years old.  - Since you was four?- Yeah.  Is that your boy? He's pretty.  BRÜNO: That was my boy.He got taken away today.  I'm so sorry. Gosh. What is he, about two?  I think he was about, I don't know, six or...  - Was he? Was he about that age?- I don't know.  He could've been a midget.So he could have been 10.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ LAUGHS)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN)  (ALARM CLOCK RINGING)  Good morning, cowboy. What's your name?  (MUFFLED) Lutz.  (SCREAMING)  (SHOUTING IN GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (MUMBLES)  (BRÜNO YELLING)  BRÜNO: Get that out of my face.  Move that out of my... No, Lutz.  Hello? Engineering.  Hello, I apologise for the state of the room.  But can I assure you,the toilet is absolutely spotless.  Can you look?The key, I think, is over there, just...  No, I can't do this.  Yeah, Brian, I need you up hereon 20 immediately.  Well, no, it's two guyshandcuffed together on a bed.  And there's some contraptionwith a dildo on the end of it.  And they're asking...They've been staying at the hotel for a while  and wanted to know if I can get the keyfor them because they can't get out of bed.  I'm pretty freaking flipping right now.  (KNOCKING ON DOOR)  BRÜNO: Come in.MANAGER: Can you tell me what's going on?  You were not meant to see this.You find the key, I can get out of this.  Now, can you just look under that shelf...  No. This is not what wassupposed to be going on in here.  You're telling me, honey.  I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegianwith a PhD in sucking dick.  That's not my concern.  Okay, well, listen, one other thing.  Can you switch off the television?Because I made a fart,  and I am on the verge of buyingMr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.  That's unfortunate.  No, but I refuse to payfor Mr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.  I did not press it.  No, I'm afraid we are notgonna be doing that.  Hey, listen, you. What's your name?Hi. What's your name?  - No, don't even talk to me.- You're cute.  You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti.  - Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.- Hey, girlfriend.  (POP MUSIC PLAYING)  Also, great. Maybe they can let us out.  Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.Hello? Can you unlock us?  Please, can you unlock us?  Please. My assistant's about to shiton my balls.  (SIREN WAILING)  What's going on here?  BRÜNO: What does it look like, Paul Blart?  Brüno.  (EXCLAIMS)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (EXHALES)  Brüno.  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (SPEAKING GERMAN)  (THUNDER RUMBLING)  BRÜNO: Ich was at a low point.Brüno had hit rock Arsch.  Lutz had gone, und ich had onlynine Freunds left on MeinSpace.  Lutz! Lutz!  (WHIMPERING)  (YELLS)  BRÜNO: I was about to give upon my dream of celebrity,  when suddenly it hit me.  All the most famous stars in the world,  Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,they all had one thing in common.  They were all straight.  To become famous,I would have to quit guys.  Ich just needed to finda cock-aholics anonymous.  Things have got to change.I want to become straight.  - Awesome.- Once I'm straight,  can I still play the clarinet?  If it doesn't remind youabout some of the behaviour  that you engaged inwhen you put your lips around it.  If it doesn't remind you of that,then I say go for it  and play the clarinetwith everything inside of you.  If it does remind you of that,then I say put it down,  give it away, let a friend hold ituntil you know in your mind  you're ready to pick it up againand it wouldn't remind you of that.  Und what about ifI put a flute up my stinker?  That... I wouldn't do that either because itwould remind you of the former lifestyle.  So you don't put any woodwindinstruments up your Arschwitz.  - Absolutely not. You know why?- Why?  Because that would harm my body.That would hurt...  - Only if you lose the reed.- Okay.  Well, that would... That would be bad.  Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?Any bands?  Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls.  Of course, the Village People.  When I become straight,you know, a Kuntmeister,  are there any new hobbiesthat I should take up?  - Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?- Sure.  Man, there's nothing like just working out  and lifting weightsand building your muscles  around some other men who are not gay.  I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.They see me und they want to schtupp me.  - Right.- So how do I protect against those guys?  If they get close to you,hit them and leave the situation.  How do you spot the homosexual?  Very hard to do.  Because some of them don't even dressno different than myself or you.  - Amazing.- You know?  It's kind of like terrorists.  If a terrorist has infiltrateda police department  and he dresses like the policemen,how would you know that's him?  What are obvious thingsthat we can look for?  Obvious is a person that's beingextremely nice to them to start with.  So if someone approaches you in the streetund is being very, very nice to you,  you know that they are a homosexual?  Most likely.  How should I protect myselffrom being attacked by homosexuals?  They probably would attack from behind.  So, again, if I am a homosexual,  and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you...  - Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.- Right.  Let's say the homosexualhas got you on the ground.  Okay.  Und the homosexual, you know,has got you down here.  - Right.- I go to pull this down.  - I want to lock this, lock this leg here.- Touching.  - Yeah.- Hit with the elbow.  Boom. As I roll across.  How do you protect yourself from a dildo?  So let's say I'm trying...  Here, you know.  Like that. You know?  Und disarm the dildo?  Yes.  Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?  - No.- Great.  One is just as easy as the otherto defend against.  - So, I'm attacking.- Boom.  - Like that.- Let's say I go down and I...  Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows.  How do you defend yourselfagainst the man with two dildos?  Coming in. Here. Boom.  Depending on his range. Boom.Then to his face. Boom.  Okay? Kick around, boom.  (PANTING)  He can't do nothing from there.  And if he's just runningwith his pants down?  Here. Boom. And then to the eyes.  - Homosexual attacking your bum.- Leg here.  And then come in and break his arm.Take it here, take him out.  Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.Break his arms.  Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch.  - Okay.- It's very useful.  That's just totally different thanwhat I've ever tried to, you know, work with.  So you were never gay?  It's ironic that you should haveamazing blow job lips.  Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus.  No, they were made for something else,but you're just not using it for them.  Well...  Are there any activities you suggest  where I'll be surroundedjust by straight guys?  (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)  (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)  LEADER: Let's go! Let's go!ALL: Let's go! Let's go!  (ALL EXCLAIMING)  - Push ups! Sit ups!- Push ups! Sit ups!  - Hurry up. Get in here.- Was?  Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed.  But do you have something,maybe a double...  Make the bed!  Could you hold the sheet over there?  I'm not holding anything.  - Get down. Get down.- Was?  I said, get down! Do push ups.  This line right here isa line that you don't cross.  This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's...  You're in it again. This is my alley.  I don't want to be in your alley.  Yeah, well, get out of it.Your finger's in my alley.  Not yet.  By the way, where's your uniform?Go get your uniform on.  Do it!  Oh, my gosh.  What's up with the scarf?  That is, like, it's my own thing.  Let me introduce you to somebody.Captain Miles.  Candidate, what are you doing?  Stand at the position of attention, candidate.  - Do it! Do it!- Head and eyes straight forward, candidate.  Head and eyes straight forward.Stand still, candidate.  That is not part of the uniform, candidate.You need to take that off.  This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is,  and so I was just trying to break it upwith some simple horizontal lines.  Do you have an attitude, candidate?Do we detect an attitude?  - Sir, she's got an attitude.- MILES: What?  Sir Officer Candidate,did you just call me "she"?  - Get down, candidate! Now!- Do it!  What type belt is that, candidate?  What is that?  - D&G.- What is D&G?  Dolce und Gabbana. Hello?  - "Hello"?- "Hello"?  - Front in the rest position.- Get down, you!  Sir Officer Candidate,you deserve a medal for exceptional skin.  What are you talking...What are you trying to say, candidate?  Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a generalin the Bitch Army the way you're going.  - Did you use profanity again?- Did you use profanity?  But you're being really nasty.  The OC guide states that I will notuse profanity while I'm at OCS.  Yes, mein Führer. Yes, Officer Candidate.  OFFICER: Hurry up!MAN 1: Hurry up! Let's go!  MAN 2: Yeah, this is mine.MILES: You better help your buddy.  (ALL SHOUTING)  Get out of my TAC Alley.  Get out of my TAC Alley.  - Hurry up! Hurry up!- OFFICER: Move over there!  (ALL YELLING)  (HIGH-PITCHED YELLING)  - Salute!- Salute with your right hand.  OFFICER: Salute with your right hand.  - That's not a salute.- That's not a salute.  OFFICER: That's not a salute.  Can I tell you about the personthat changed my life?  Was it Karl Lagerfeld?  No, actually, his name is Jesus.Jesus is in this room right now.  He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.He's here.  (WHISPERS) Amazing.  That's exactly right. He's amazing.  You want to be famous.You'll be one that's so famous, Brüno,  you will prepare the wayfor other young men all over the world  who want to come out of the homosexuallifestyle and make a change in their lives.  And they'll say, "If Brüno can do it,then I can do it.  "How did he change?How did you change, Brüno?"  And they'll say, "It's Jesus. He changed me."  But he wants to come intoyour heart right now.  Are you ready to make that change?  Are you hitting on me?  No, I'm not.  Okay, good, 'cause I just...That was, like, really hot, that whole speech.  Are there any outdoor activities  that I should doif I want to become straight?  Absolutely.  - Hi.- Hello.  - Mike. Brüno.- Brüno.  Hey. Great.  - I'm Donny.- Brüno.  Robert.  - You ever been hunting?- BRÜNO: I've never killed an animal.  Although, I did oncesuffocate a hamster in Mykonos.  The women, eh? Do you prefer the vaginaor the mammary glands?  - I prefer the vagina.- BRÜNO: Me, too.  I love a woman with a vagina.  Yeah.  My favourite.  Didn't see anything.  We were just talking about vaginas.  About what?  Vaginas. The woman's vagina.  Sharing storiesand saying how much we enjoy them.  Yes.  Really fantastisch.  Really wonderful things.  It's my favourite.  (BRÜNO SCREAMS)  This is wonderful.  This is what rabbit look like.  Look at the four of us.We are so like the Sex and the City girls.  No, we aren't, either.  Which one are you, Donny?  I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny.  That is such a Samantha thing to say.  BRÜNO: I've never beenout of the city before.  You haven't? How's it feel?  I feel a bit vulnerable.  You know, I'm 19 years old,I've got a perfect body.  You know, I really don't want to wake uptomorrow morning und find  that I'm torn in my Arschenholer.  You probably ain't the only one.  Me, either, definitely.  Wow, there's so many stars in the sky.  Full of them.  Makes you think ofall the hot guys in the world.  Do we all share one tentor what's more sensible?  I hope not.  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (BRÜNO WHISPERING)  (MIKE SPEAKING)  (BRÜNO SPEAKING)  All right, God damn it.  BRÜNO: Reverend BJ found metoo much of a handful  and put me in touch with one of his chums.  You look decent in that.  Look like a straight guy, how's that?  (LAUGHS)  Women are good for us.  They're good even though  they appear to usto be terribly conventional.  And we find that somewhat irritating  that they complain so much.  - Right.- But we need that.  We need many of the things  that, at first glance,are annoying and irritating.  And women often don't stick to the point.  They're often talking about one thingand then another and then another,  and they never get back to the first pointmaybe ever.  I am repulsed by the ideaof making the sex with a woman.  The important thing is to be around women,  somewhat, that you find tolerableor interesting  and give them a chance to seduce you.  (DOORBELL RINGS)  How did you get into it?  We, actually, our first time was on our...  (ALL LAUGHING)  - Our honeymoon.- Yeah.  Of all nights for us to swing,the first time was for our honeymoon.  Und what is your favourite position?  That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl.  What's reverse cowgirl?  Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman.  Like, I'm sitting here, and...  Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman...Don't worry. Yeah, so what?  You'd be sitting like that,  - and that's called reverse cowgirl.- Right. Right.  And then when you're facing me,that's called cowgirl.  This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl?  This is cowgirl.  And then when you're turnedthe opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl.  Und what other positions are there?  - Power driver.- Right.  Sixty-nine.  But this is the girl's position.  (INHALES DEEPLY)  You don't want to be like thisif you're a guy.  There's missionary, doggy style.  So what's doggy style like?  You'd be bent over, like a dog does it.  Yeah. Like that?  All right,and then what would you be doing?  If you was a woman,I would be humping you.  - No, show me.- (LAUGHING) I'm not gonna show you.  - You're a man.- Don't be a faggot.  (CHUCKLING) Come on. What's the big deal?It's just a couple of guys.  I'd be humping you like that.  Wow, I can't wait to do this to a woman.  (LAUGHS)  (WOMAN MOANING)  Anybody want a sandwich or something?  (MOANING)  Yeah. Great.  Very good. You've got great hair actually.  - Thank you.- Yeah.  (EXHALES) That was great.  - Oh, yeah.- Good boy.  (WOMAN MOANING)  Fuck, yeah.  You're doing a great job.  Thank you.  Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes.  Look me in the eye. You can do this.  (LAUGHS)  Dude.  (MAN LAUGHING)  Why would he look you in the eyeswhen he's looking at a pussy?  - Why would he look you in the eyes?- No, no. Just for concentration.  - He does not look in a guy's...- I don't need you for concentration, okay?  - Look her in the eye.- This is a fucking swingers party. Okay?  If you don't want pussy,if you don't want fucking...  - No, I want...- Then quit fucking touching me  and quit telling meto look at you in the eye. Okay?  I didn't come herefor no fucking queer shit. Okay?  - Me, neither.- Okay.  - Let's keep it at that then.- Cool.  This is a fucking swingers party.Right, guys?  JACK: I see what the fuck you're doing, dude.  - Hi.- JACK: Did he not try to pull  - that queer shit on you out there?- Hi. How you doing?  JACK: I don't need this motherfuckertouching me on the back,  telling me to look himin the fucking eye. Right?  - I was just going to the kitchen.- I know, yeah. Come on.  What's this shit? Let's take this off.  Let's maybe we getto know each other a little.  - I think you broke that, actually.- I don't give a fuck.  Yeah, there is...Let's get to know each other a little bit first.  (EXCLAIMS)  Know each other? What?  You must produce a lot of milk.  I don't want you to do somethingthat you'll regret.  You wake up tomorrow, you've lostyour virginity, and you feel ashamed.  You know, let's take this a little slower.  - We should reschedule.- Sit the fuck down.  Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around!  No, let's do this the right way.  (BOTH EXHALE)  I go, and I sit down with your father,we talk about this.  - lf he gives his permission...- What?  Would you quit being a little bitch here  and take your little briefs offbefore I fucking rip them?  Wait. Yes.  - Yeah.- Fine.  - Thanks.- Okay. Great.  I don't like this little shit.  Yes, well, I want to really makethis heterosexual sex.  It's going to be fantastisch!  Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now!  (WHOOPS)  - Don't... You fold them.- (EXCLAIMS) Fuck.  You gotta fold that neatly.You don't treat suede like that. It stains.  Sit the fuck down. Take it off!  I've got an idea.Let's play a little bit of dress-up here.  It will be erotisch.  What is this?You gonna dress me like a man?  No, it's just a beard.  - Am I supposed to wear a beard?- It's just a...  Come on, it will be fun.  I don't need a beard.  Take it off! Now!  Once you put the...  (EXCLAIMING)  - Fuck! Take it off.- Okay. I'm...  - Okay, I'm going to do this.- Right now!  Get on your fucking kneesand suck my spike here, bitch.  Okay. Help!  Don't fuck around!  BRÜNO: Don't call me gay!  I'm gonna become straight.I'm gonna become über straight.  I'm gonna be the straightest manwho's ever lived.  Und then I'll be famous.You'll see. You'll see.  (DISTANT CHEERING)  (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  What's up, Arkansas?How's everybody doing?  You guys ready to seea little ass kicking tonight?  (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)  Make some noise, everybody.Put your hands together. Make some noise  for the host of the brand-new TVshow,Straight Dave's Man Slammin' Maxout.  Give it up for Straight Dave!  (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)  Straight Dave. Straight Dave.  (CHEERING)  (SHOUTING)  Are you ready forsome man-slamming action?  Who's ready foran old-fashioned heterofest?  Are you 100% hetero like me?  Who out there is proud to be straight?  Let me hear you say straight pride.  - Straight pride.- Straight pride.  Straight pride.  - Straight pride.- Straight pride.  I am so straightthat when I bought my house,  the first thing I didwas brick up the back door.  (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  You know why?Because my asshole's just for shitting.  Let me hear you say that.  - My asshole's just for shitting.- My asshole's just for shitting.  It's great to have an eveningwith straight people.  It's great not to have any fags here.  MAN: You're a faggot!  Who called me a faggot?  Whoever called me a faggot come up here,and I'll beat your Arsch.  Who called Straight Dave a faggot?Come up here.  Let him in.  (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)  Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass?  Who wants me to beat this...  Fuck him up!  Get him, motherfucker!  (BOTH GRUNTING)  Beat his fucking ass!  Kick his ass!  (SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)  (INAUDIBLE)  (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)  Fucking fag!  - Homo! Queer fags!- Motherfuckers!  (EXCLAIMING)  Stop! Stop!  Get out of my town. You all are sick.  Tell him we don't have no faggots herein Arkansas. Take that shit somewhere else.  You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker!  (SHOUTING)  - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!  - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!  (SPEAKING MANDARIN)  BRÜNO: The footage went everywhere,und Brüno became über famous.  (CHATTERING)  As for Lutz,we decided to get married in California.  But because of the law,we had to be a bit inventive.  I feel this is the biggest stepyou'll ever make in your lifetime.  - It's a very big moment.- That's right.  Am I going to be able to meet herbefore we actually start?  Sure.  I... I don't marry two men or two women.  If she's a man,then how did it give birth to our son?  You gave birth to a little black child?  (IN FALSETTO) Yes.  When did you have the baby?  I don't even know whyI'm asking that question.  BRÜNO: But even thoughmarriage was a nicht-nicht,  we weren't gonna let it get us down.  We were happy. We had each other.  And we had O.J. back,  although he did cost us a MacBook Pro.  Plus, ich was now so famous  that I was able to recordmein very own charity video.  (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)  I've written a song  that I hope is gonnabring the world together  Put down your guns and bombs  and just make love forever  Okay, then.  He's come to heal the world  and make all nations calmer  I am the Austrian Jesus  He is the white Obama  He's the white Obama  War's just based on hate and fear  Stop fighting, North and South Korea  You're both basically Chinese  And he's Brüno, dove of peace  Hey, yo, Brüno, where the bitches at?  BO TH: You are Brüno, dove of peace  SNOOP DOGG: You do it, fashion modelYou got the cute hos  ALL: You are Brüno, dove of peace  (SNIFFS)  You know, I love black guys.I'm a chocoholic.  ALL: Du bist Brüno, dove of peace  Brüno wants peace.  Either we gonna have peace,or we gonna have motherfucking war.  I have a dream for the Third World  Clean water, food and teaching  In every village and every town  a place for anal bleaching  We need to rid the world of hunger  I'm like Bono, except much younger  He's only  Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace  Hey, hey, he gay, he gay  Okay.  (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

dont mess with the zohan

Special thanks to

SergeiK

.