#like im so happy that my peers are happy and thriving and still enjoying their youth
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I NEED ANOTHER UPDATE.
I NEED TO KNOW THE TOUR.
I NEED TO KNOW HOW ELLALI AN ROSASTAR CATCH UP.
PLEASE. IM BEGGING. I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THIS.
I WILL EVEN ADMIT MY TRAUMA IF YOUD JUST UPDATE. GIVE ME MORE.
DONT LOSE UR HEAD!!!!
The tour went on in silence. Hope walked frantically, checking every hallway as it'd been her first time in someone else's castle. Ever since some countries has heard of the war they all had to cut off all contacts and buisnesses of some sort with Calvania, and Morellia had been thriving ever since despite having two queens with more money than they could spend in a lifetime and not a single man around to tell them what to do with it.
Isaac had never bothered to say a word to her nor offer his arm to her like he did a while back. It could've been a blessing in disguise, but Hope was feeling a bit more, leaning away to the idea of being happy.
This confused the young princess. She was supposed to hate the enemy, not feel this sinking feeling when they're upset and moreover, she made them upset. She never understood why in a blink of an eye, if she had a choice, she'd take back what she said.
Then.. she stopped.
A portrait of a woman. A beautiful one, with brown hair and eyes deep blue as the ocean she'd sail. She studied her for a moment, her eyes trailing from the freckles that dappled her face, to the sword she wielded in her hand.
She was extremely beautiful.
"That's my grandmother. Clarissa Gale." Isaac then spoke. "She died when princess Mia was born."
A faint memory flashed through Hope's head. She saw quite the same picture back in the castle, when the maids were cleaning up after her.
"She's a swordswoman?" Hope asked in genuine curiosity.
"A pirate queen. She met my grandfather at the docks." Isaac responded, sternly.
Hope's focus was still on the woman in front of her. A part of her wanted to ask more questions, while a part of her knew Isaac wouldn't like to entertain him unless he was extremely bored, which as of the moment he isn't.
He hated her, ofcourse.
But despite his hatred he'd managed to laugh and flash her a smile, though in a cocky manner. She should've been enjoying his misery, but she grew too fond of the other side that wasn't bothered by people who never cared. He was free-spirited and happy, he was lucky he'd gotten the freedom she desperately wanted to get herself.
Hope loved her father, more than anything except Asher and Rosalyn. All she ever wanted was for him to be proud of her, and so that's why she wanted to take Isaac down. She was being driven by the pressure she put on herself. As heir to the throne she wanted her father to be happy, taking care of the things out of her responsibility.
And so when she meddled with Isaac's life, she never told him. She wanted so desperately to have him look at her with such pride that she was willing to creep up to the enemy's lair. Alistar would rather lay down on a bed of nails than to ever put the pressure on Hope, but she wanted him to know that his little rose's thorns could prick the dove's eye.
She never talked to him much, but she knew how much he hated Ella for replacing him with a blacksmith with little to no knowledge about monarchy. Queen Ella was a traitor, and that was the hill she's prepared to die on.
But the look on Isaac's face.. right then and there.
It told her something different.
There was a traitor, but never a choice to become one.
Maybe it was Isaac, maybe it was the genuine face of the pirate woman, or the peer pressure she trapped herself into that brought her to the thought that there was more than a savy educated young princess and her downgraded replacement.
If she looked into things a little further on this tour, she may have the answers to what she's speculating.
"Isaac."
That was the first time she said his name without a trace of mockery.
His monotone eyes looked at her, curious as to why she'd called his name in a way he's never heard before.
"Did your father make that belt?" Hope asks.
Isaac was baffled and stunned by the question. He never knew why out of all things, his belt came to her curiosity.
And moreover, his father.
"Yes." Isaac replied, a hint of confusion in his tone.
Hope studied his belt, neatly and carefully crafted from the golden colored (or just gold in general) buckle to the end tip, the strap wrapped tightly around up his pants.
Gazing at his eyes that shone silver, once fired anger and now showed confusion, she swallowed.
For the first time in her life, looking at Isaac made her tense.
"He did quite well." She stated, cryptic. "In his craftmanship, ofcourse."
Isaac tilted his head. He was thinking that she meant his father did quite well on the belt, but after she had something else to say, an idea occured to him that she thought he may have been thinking of something else his father did quite well.
Hope turned her back on him as she kept walking along.
~~~~
Sounds of wine glasses clattering filled the whole castle in worry for the king and queen. At this point his constant tempers have been getting a lot worse, considering that everywhere Alistar went to, everything reminded him of how pathetic he was losing to a kingdom ran by two women.
He'll never be a man. If he was, he would've asserted dominance and power over them.
He was a disappointment. He couldn't fathom the look on his father's face if he ever knew that his one and only son had disappointed him, destroyed his family line's legacy and the brennan name overall.
"Alistar!" Rosalyn shouted. "You're going to break everything!"
"So what if I break everything?! Everything.. everything my father's worked hard for... down the fucking drain all because of that traitor! I was supposed to have power.. I was supposed to be king!" Alistar yelled at his wife from across the room.
"You ARE king!" Rosalyn reasoned. "Don't let yourself turn into a power-hungry bastard! Don't be your father. Please, mi vida.."
Despite knowing that her husband could throw a glass at her for being 'invasive' of his personal space, she wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek on his back.
Alistar shook his head in disappointment of himself.
From somewhere not so far away from them, two children were playing inside of their shared room.
Another clattering of a glass. The princess' frantic worrying hid behind the facade of an entertainer, for an important reason.
Princess Hope wasn't made of glass that he could shatter if he wanted to, she was made of stone. She knows when she has to be strong for both her and Asher's sake.
She swallowed, paying attention to she and Asher's little game rather than listening to the sounds from downstairs.
He was important to her. More than anything.
"The lost fairies cry out!" Hope shouted. "Brrrr!!" She imitated the sound of an elephant. She held the small giraffe toy figure from the side and was about to imitate its sound.. when she had no idea what sound it made. "What sound does the giraffe make?"
Asher shrugged.
"Nevermind." Hope shook her head.
"They wake the fairy queen who breaks the spell and saves everyone!" Hope cheered in triumph, throwing the small 'goblin' figure onto the floor to declare that it had 'died'.
Asher laughed. "You're always loud when you play, Hope!"
Hope shrugged. "What can I say? I like being in the moment!"
The siblings laughed.
As the laughter died down, Asher looked at his older sister, who was starting to come up for the closing of their fairytale.
Asher would give anything to be her. She had been his role model since he first learned to acknowledge her as his sister. She was fierce, brave, and is always there to lighten things up when they needed to be. She was the epitome of a sunlight, which she got from her mother. A strong-willed princess who would always put everyone else's needs before hers.
He could never feel jealous of her, even if their father seemed to favor her more than him.
Everything. Everything he talked about was her. Hope, and her talent, remarkable traits, dashing personality, her being fit for the throne more than anyone could ever be.
He didn't know where he got the urge to ask, but words came out of his mouth.
"Hope?" Asher called.
"Yes?" Hope responds.
"Why does papa like you more than me?" Asher asks, more curious rather than upset.
Hope was taken aback by what her brother had just asked. "Why would you say that?"
"He always pays more attention to you. He gets scared when he looks at me.." Asher responds to his sister.
"Scared? What do you mean by that?"
Asher pouts. "When papa looks at me, he's always sad or scared. But when he looks at you, he's always smiling."
Hope never realized her brother felt this way. He wasn't supposed to be worrying about who the favorite child is. He was only ten, and is currently having no clue that their parents actually might hurt each other. As aware as he was about his father breaking things, when Hope had witnessed it, she knew better than to let her brother see what it was actually like seeing them fight. He always heard the sounds, but Hope did her very best to keep him out of it.
He didn't need the pain. If pain is to be held then it is by Hope, she was the big sister. She's stronger, older and wiser.
"Ash.." Hope scooted closer to her brother, wrapping an arm around him. "He loves us both. I don't know why papa acts like he does, but I know he's trying. He's trying to be a good father to us. I know he is."
Asher leaned his head onto his sister's shoulder. "I just want papa to be happy when he sees me.."
Hope sighed. "I know." She held his hands as she scooted in front of him. "But look. I'm happy when I see you!"
Asher tilted his head as a smile formed in his lips.
"Because I can get to.." Hope smirked deviously. And the next thing Asher knew, her hands were all over his waist, tickling him. "Tickle you until you yield!"
Asher laughs, trying to stop Hope. "I yield! I yield!"
Hope laughed along with him.
Of all things she could protect, he would always come first. And along all those things, she would give what it takes to make her family proud.
~~~~~
Hope glanced one last time at the portrait of Clarissa Gale, how her plans had miraculously shifted all of a sudden. All because a certain prince decided to meddle into them.
And so she walked along with Isaac trailing behind her, catching up.
Who knew keeping the enemy close would work wonders for her? She never knew why, and she hated to admit it, but keeping Isaac to her side would be essential on her new change of plans.
A plan to figure out what problem caused the war.
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ughhhh okk guys drug mention here but i really need to know
am i a bitch for asking ppl to not smoke around me? i dont feel like i am, logically that seems like a perfectly fine request even if it may inconvience someone. but. ive got health problems and almost no health care out here. i was told when i signed up to be moved here with my accomodations and everything that i would be living in a smoke free environment. ofc i can report ppl for smoking weed but im not trying to narc on someone for doing drugs, but like!!! its fucking endangering my health.
ofc ppl dont care when you ask them not to do things bc it affects ur health. they just make fun of you for being sensitive and aaaaaa okay now im crying okay ok. can you tell i miss my therapist? or reasonable ppl? i dislike a lot of these entilited kids at this school! theyre fine when you talk to them, but then they whine when ppl tell them to stop having loud parties after midnight in a fucking dorm. or wonder why you dont just bring ur personal dirty dishes downstairs to the dining hall workers to clean when thats not their job.
ive had to deal with sleep loss and asthma flares and other nasty bullshit here and the RAs dont care, and equity/maintanance dont care about accomodations, and jsut dealing with the bullshit of being an overly sensitive creature with years of being ridiculed for being bothered by things I CANT CONTROL!!
i love being myself but i am so tired of this and needed acommodations and having a weak immune system. this is so stupid and it shouldnt be hard. i dont want to report them, bc that would be upgrading me from boring ass square to a snitch (i hate these things i hate it.), but no one listens here and i dont have any money to pay for my non existent health care. this is such bull shit.
#dw its not my roommate she is a doll and we ask each other about things b4 we do anything that could be annoying/upseting#like im so happy that my peers are happy and thriving and still enjoying their youth#but im disabled and i was promised by ppl that i could at least ask someone to get high thru edibles instead of making me sick#aita for being disabled publicly?#i need to distract myself rn i fucking hate this#and i hate that my mom who is all about advocacy has no support when i say ppl affect me aaaaaaaaaaaaa momma whhhyyyyyy#long post#hey if you live in a high density area plz only smoke outside in designated areas and dont blow that shit in others faces.#nothing wrong w you having fun but it is so rude
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hi hi so first i really love your writing, it’s so comforting and lovely, and i look forward to every little bit of it!
and idk if you’ve already answered something like this but i was wondering about your thoughts on skam france season 5?
hello, thank u! 🖤🖤🖤
and i have talked a bit about skam france s5 when i was watching it live but im more than happy to talk about it again & put all of my thoughts into one post JFJSJD.
let me just put a disclaimer here for abuse, both personal & what was shown in the season. also adding a read more because this got LONG, i am so sorry. i talk a lot </3 (ignore the spelling errors, i literally woke up and saw this anon and jumped out of bed to answer dflkgjkdlg)
also! i talk about deafness as a disability in this but that’s my own personal experience & what was written into the season. we know arthur sees it as a disability because he was raised in a hearing society as a hearing person. not all D/deaf people believe this!! this isn’t universal.
first things first, i just wanted to let people know these feelings come from a very personal place. i lost my hearing similarly to arthur — i was beaten as a young child and as the years have gone on and i’ve grown, my hearing has gotten worse. i was hard of hearing with mild to moderate hearing loss in both ears and now i call myself deaf because i have severe hearing loss in my left ear & i am completely deaf in my right ear. (don’t worry about being apologetic or anything! i’m very open about how i lost my hearing because although it’s sad & traumatic, it’s talking about how trauma and disabilities are often more intertwined than people realize. you don’t ever see a disabled person thriving in their natural environment. you see traumatized disabled people learning how to survive.)
i don’t have problems with how arthur lost his hearing. i think it’s a very important story to tell & it’s one that does occur — even if people don’t recognize it. it added to the fear and isolation he felt during his season because he was suddenly extremely disconnected from his peers and the people he called his best friends.
i also absolutely ADORE noee and camille. having a Deaf* woman who was as sassy and blunt and straight-forward as she was is a good thing. people often talk about how D/deaf individuals can come across as rude or unattentive or too blunt and it can be true but when people often talk about it, they do it in a rude/offensive manner! noee did it in a manner that wasn’t stereotypical and felt real. she also had the distain towards hearing people because they continually traumatized & belittled her and they showed that in a way that you knew was justified. she had been hurt by these people and she knew what arthur was experiencing, hence why she was so warm around him. having a Deaf love interest who wasn’t a hearing-people pleaser or someone who needed approval from hearing people was so good because it helped add layers of her own identity that the audience may not even realize exists.
camille as well. having a hard of hearing gay (queer? i can’t remember what he labelled himself as) person on screen without fetishism or trauma porn was refreshing. that doesn’t happen and seeing it was?? amazing. he was able to have fun, be himself, etc. also him acting as a connector between noee and arthur is a reality as well. he exists inbetween both of their worlds and while it’s clear that he is comfortable and okay with it, it’s a reality that often stems into feelings of anger and hurt. (as shown in arthur!) it’s good to see a hard of hearing person who doesn’t feel ostracized from the Deaf community & or the hearing community. he’s just vibing!
the isolation that arthur felt. the lonelines, the pain, the fear—all of it is a reality of the situation he was in. even with his friends attempting to support him in the ways they knew how, he still felt alone. having noee and camille there was such a good!! good thing!!! to have. the way noee criticized his friends, the way ARTHUR eventually yelled at them (especially lucas, like wtf was up his ass), the growth of arthur from clinging onto his fantasy world and accepting himself. i geniunely enjoyed these aspects.
NOW ONTO MY CRITICISMS.
my biggest one is the abuse clip. it was absolutely unnecessary for them to include the audio (and the shadowing) of arthur’s violent abuse. i understand they needed to potray his dad’s behaviours but there were many other ways to go about it that doesn’t re-traumatize people. i rarely rarely get triggered by things due to desensitization & repression and this made me extremely nauseous and it caused me to spiral into memories of my own abuse. yes, i understand the story of arthur’s dad being the villain and contributing to the trauma. no, it did not need to be done in this way.
also the way it was brushed aside & arthur forgave him after the car accident. i know it’s contributing to the cycle of abuse and it will continue after the seasons have passed but i think it should have had more fear, confusion or anger. we could see that arthur hated his father, just by how he constantly attempted to fight back and argue. i understand that it was him acting from a place of survival and trying to mediate to make things calmer but this is his perspective—we could have felt the underlying emotions or seen a brief moment where arthur let his anger take over when he was alone. the abuse was written solely for hearing people. it was trauma porn. it was used as a way to make people feel sorry for arthur and to weaken him. it wasn’t written as integrated into the plot as it should have been and was brought up only to deter the plot away from his cheating. it was one of the things that made it clear the plot was more written for hearing people than for deaf people.
(again, it’s not the actual story i’m criticizing. it’s how they integrated it.)
the second was noee using her voice to essentially beg arthur to love her. using her voice was a moment of vulnerability and fear that they could have either: a. used in a different manner or b. not included at ALL. i am an oral deaf person—i was raised in a hearing environment & i went to speech thrapy for many, many years. i use my voice a lot. however, whenever i am without my hearing aid and i am tired, i don’t often use my voice because i am insecure about my deaf accent.
noee doesn’t use her voice at all. she has talked about how using only sign language gives her power and stregethnes her identity in a way that the hearing world would never be able to. it was a pivotal moment of her own identity and growth and they threw it out the window to tell arthur she loved him. he rejected her so she used her voice, something that reminds her of her trauma and pain, to beg him to love her back.
another is how alexia said that she wasn’t wired to love disabled people. i love alexia as well, except for this alone was enough to hurt my opinion of her. it’s a reality of abled people—they often act like loving a disabled person is more work and view disabled people as less than to avoid seeing them as potential lovers/friends/etc. my main problem is the fact it wasn’t ever properly addressed and they used it as a plot device after she had been nothing but loving and supportive to arthur during the beginning of his journey. she was so, so loving and caring and they could have used to as a way to talk about how relationships and perspective changes rather having her just be straight up ableist.
when arthur first got his hearing aids, he got smaller ones that were less visible to avoid having other people see. this is a big example of internalized ableism and is a very important point but they never touched on it again. i think it would have been more personal and monumental of his growth to have him go back & change the hearing aids he uses to better aid him in his day-to-day rather than aid his desire to be hearing-passing. i just wanted to see continuation of this.
the love triangle. ABSOLUTELY USELESS. i love both alexia and noee as love interests. they are well-developed women who both had vulnerable moments in the season where they talked about their insecurities and were vulnerable and still had arthur reject/use them both. this is more of a fandom criticism but the love triangle was used solely to demonize noee while they continued to put arthur on a pedestal. the season could have gone either/or with them as love interests or not at all. the season was meant to focus on his journey as a now disabled person and the love triangle took up a large portion of that.
(don’t think i’ve forgotten about people calling others fatphobic/biphobic for preferring noee as a love interest)
this isn’t entirely a criticism but a good point to note. i don’t think skam france had a plan in regards to season five when they casted arthur but he should have been played by a hard of hearing person and there should have been foreshadowing in the earlier seasons for this. i think arthur’s actor did a fantastic job with the content he was given but it would have been a bit more personal if played by a truly deaf/hoh person. noee’s actress talked about this! she said how good of an opportunity it was for season five to occur because it’s extremely rare for deaf people to get opportunities and casting designed for them. having a main actress talk about this and still having the main actor being abled is a bit? bad taste. i just think it’s a product of lack of planning, is all.
ALSO THE CAR CRASH????? this isn’t a big criticism, i’m just like HUH? me & arthur really out hear being deaf and getting hit by cars ig. arthur kinnie
*definitions that add as to why i use deaf & Deaf in this piece.*
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across the sea and back again. chapter 3.
here it is, chapter 3!
im excited to step into the next phase of the story. we’ve got 2 chapters left! i hope you guys enjoy this new chapter!!
read on ao3.
read chapter 1 on tumblr
read chapter 2 on tumbr.
In King's Landing, a raven arrives.
"A letter, your grace." The servant bows and backs from the room, leaving his queen with the letter in her hands, seated just behind the desk of her solar. Turning it over, Cersei recognizes at once the seal upon the letter. Blinking, she breaks the Stark seal and unfolds the parchment, the handwriting familiar to her, even now.
This is your one and only warning.
Abdicate the throne, as it was never yours to claim.
The North does not forget and one day soon, the wolves will come again.
Sansa Stark, Queen in the North.
Cersei crumples the parchment in her fist and tosses it as hard as she can, jumping up from where she sits, storming across the room to stand at the window, peering out into the sunlit city, the sun beginning it's downward cycle towards the horizon. She's alive, Cersei grumbles to herself, catching her lower lip between her teeth, tearing at her flesh. And dares declare herself Queen in the North. She had heard the rumors- the rumors that Sansa Stark and Jon Snow were alive and gaining support in the North, but she had thought them to be just that- rumors. It had been almost two years since the pair had seemingly vanished, dead most assumed. Cersei had spent more than one gold coin on searching for the Stark girl, but every effort went without reward.
There comes a knock on the door and she turns as it opens. "Sansa Stark is alive," she says to Jaime when he steps into the room, the door falling closed behind him. "She calls herself Queen in the North." Jaime does not look all that surprised, telling Cersei that he too has been told of this new development. "Send someone. Poison her, cut off her head, I do not care!" Cersei jabs a finger into his chest, her anger spilling over. "I want her dead."
"I've heard. But Cersei... There is more." Jaime says, a hand to her arm calming the rage within her and though she opens her mouth to speak, she falls quiet, allowing him to speak on. "I've been written that Jon Snow is..." He glances left and right, as if to ensure they are truly alone, before continuing. "Jon Snow is Rhaegar Targaryen's son, begotten by that Stark girl he took off with at the tourney."
"Impossible."
"I thought so, too, but it seems as if it's been written of in the collection of the Septon's journals. He wrote of an annulment. A marriage."
Cersei's eyes widen, shock evident, but then those eyes narrow as she takes a step back from Jaime and turning her back to him as if she will hear no more. "A Targaryen heir," the golden queen murmurs, arms folding over her chest as she sinks into thought. "Do they bow to him?" She asks aloud, though she knows Jaime does not know the answer. "Do they call him the rightful king?" The North is extremely loyal, distrusting folk- they would stand behind Jon Snow, even with his newfound Targaryen blood, well before they would ever stand with her. "It doesn't matter," she decides with a shake of her cropped golden hair, turning back around to face her twin. "He will die, too in the end." Jaime nods, though more so because he knows what will happen if he disagrees, rather than actually agreeing with her. He hates to admit it, even to himself, but Jaime hates this woman Cersei has become. "What of Highgarden?" She steers the conversation elsewhere, to speak of their other enemies in other places.
He sighs, but he speaks anyways, for it's all he can really do.
[ x x x ]
They have taken up residence in the mountains that border the wolfswood, with House Flint; it is close to Winterfell, but not dangerously so. And the woods are full of wolves, ready and willing to bare their fangs at anyone who dares trek through the trees. Ghost roams among the wolves, his howls louder than all the rest, a reminder that House Stark is to come again.
It has been a long three weeks since the truth of Jon's birth came to light- among other things. The truth of their relationship, no, marriage, had to be explained and of course there was little Robb to introduce. Sansa considers herself lucky to be surrounded by lords who in the end, care more for the happiness of their queen and the security of the North than a child born out of wedlock. If anyone wonders about his age and when he was conceived, none speak of it- at least out loud. The truth was, the lords know that the birth of an heir only strengthens their power of independence. And more than that, with Jon as the true heir to the Iron Throne and an heir to follow after him only strengthens his claim. What did Cersei have to offer the realm of man? Certainly no heir. Sansa knows how little love there is for Cersei in King's Landing- she knows that they fear their queen and that she thrives on that fear. If I am ever queen, I shall make them love me. Those were the words she once thought, so many years ago and she can't help but to smile as she thinks of the Northern lords and their loyalty. It was not the crown she had thought to ever wear, but she would make her people proud. She would keep them safe.
"Your grace?"
She turns at the sound of the voice, still not quite used to her new title. It's Lord Royce that stands there, one of her most loyal of men, a man she considers herself lucky to have at her side. "I knocked, but..."
"My apologies," she smiles, tilting her head as she steps towards where the man stands. "I was so lost in thought, I didn't hear you."
The older man smiles and shakes his head, offering her a quick bow now that she faces him. "I don't mean to interrupt, it's just... This arrived just now." He holds out a letter to her which she takes, though at once she sees it isn't addressed to her, but to Jon. When Sansa looks up at him, Lord Royce nods. "It is for Lord Snow, but I thought you might wish to read it first." Sansa flips the letter over and she sees it; the Bolton seal.
Just like that, it's two years ago and she's standing in Winterfell, trembling as Ramsay raises his fist. Just like that, she's not strong, she's weak.
"Your grace?" Lord Royce is softly calling out to her, his hand warm when it gently touches her arm. She leaps from her mind and blue eyes snap back to the older man's face. "I'm sorry, I didn't think-" she can see the horror on his face and she softens, shaking her own head.
"It's fine." She says, swallowing down the fear that has jumped into her throat. "Perhaps Ramsay Bolton has written something that will interest us all," she goes on, walking around to behind the desk that sits just behind where she stands. "Send Jon to me, won't you? It's his letter and I will have him read it first. Then we shall decide what to do with the information inside, if anything at all." Lord Royce nods and then backs from the room with another bow, leaving Sansa alone once again with only her thoughts as a companion.
If she knows Ramsay, his letter will be full of threats, empty threats perhaps, but threats all the same. Not to mention... She thinks of Rickon kept in Winterfell's cramped, cold dungeon. He will die of the cold if they can't get to him soon, if Ramsay doesn't get to him first. Knowing what was done to her in Winterfell... What was done to Theon... Sansa shudders. She can't think about what could be or couldn't be happening to her baby brother. It would only drive her mad.
Jon doesn't take long to arrive, stepping into the room with a knock, though she's told him before he needn't bother. Behind him comes Brienne, Robb tucked carefully into her arms; Sansa smiles at the sight, her heart warming with the knowledge that her son has a guardian that no man in the world could defeat in a sword fight. Brienne might have pledged herself to her, but something tells Sansa that it is her son that has lay claim to Brienne's heart. Tormund and Edd come behind her and thats's when the door swings closed. "This has come for you," Sansa says without preamble, waving the still sealed letter for the room to see, though she passes it along to Jon. "From Ramsay." Jon's face darkens but she can see the surprise flicker across his face. "Open it."
He does. And then he begins to read.
"To the traitor and bastard Jon Snow,
You allowed thousands of wildlings past the Wall. You have betrayed your own kind and you have betrayed the North. Winterfell is mine, bastard, come and see." Jon falls quiet, sparing a quick glance to Tormund before he goes on. "Your brother Rickon is in my dungeon. His direwolf's skin is on my floor, come and see." Another pause, for Sansa sucks in a breath and he can see as she curls her hands into fists atop her lap. "I want my bride back. Send her to me, bastard, and I will not trouble you or your wildling lovers. Keep her from me and I will ride North to slaughter every wildling man, woman, and babe living under your protection. You will watch as I skin them living. You will-" He stops, he cannot finish, he cannot read aloud the words that are written there.
"Go on." It's Sansa, a quiet command. He can't even open his mouth and so she leans over the desk, snatching the parchment his hands. Only he can see the quiet fury in her eyes, the silent anguish that threatens to overflow. "You will watch as my soldiers take turns raping your sister. You will watch as my dogs devour your wild little brother. Then I will spoon your eyes from their sockets and let my dogs do the rest. Come and see." She tosses the letter down atop the desk and leans back in her chair, raising her gaze to meet Jon's.
"Why does he write to me?"
"Either he's yet to hear about you, or he doesn't believe the rumors." She says, sitting up a little bit straighter, believing the latter. By now, the rumors of Jon's true parentage and the building of their army to reclaim Winterfell surely had reached him. And there was little chance that he had not heard about the declaration of her queenship. Despite it all, he still wrote to Jon, as if none of it were true. "Despite being legitimatized, Ramsay can't stand that he was born a bastard, and so he hates them all because of it. He means to insult you. To frighten you into submission." Her mind turns back to Rickon and she closes her eyes for a long moment before she opens them again and rises to her feet. "What do we do now? The longer we wait to attack, the longer Rickon is in his hands. He'll die soon if we don't do something."
Jon is staring back at her, his Stark colored eyes sharper than usual. "We will get him back, Sansa." He speaks with a confidence he isn't certain he feels. "I will write back, I will meet with him." She opens her mouth to protest but he shakes his head, silencing her before she can speak. "Perhaps we can solve this without bloodshed." In his mind, he's already begun to formulate the plan that might save more lives than it loses by the end of things.
She opens her mouth again, but she thinks better on it and after another moment gives a nod. "I trust you," she says simply, a wane smile curving on her lips. Jon leans over the desk to give her a quick kiss, a hand sliding into place against her cheek as he gently rubs his thumb along the length of her bottom lip, still warm from the touch of his.
"I won't let you down."
And she knows it.
[ x x x ]
"You don't have to be here."
Sansa turns her gaze towards Jon, who sits on his horse beside hers, waiting at the meeting spot for Ramsay, who they can both see approaching from over the hill. "Yes I do." Is all she says, tightening her grip on the reins, fingers icy cold despite the thick gloves that she wears. Her white mare shifts, as if she too can sense the discomfort of her rider, and somewhere behind them, Ghost howls.
Ramsay and his small entourage come to a stop just several feet from theirs and Sansa sucks in her breath as the man that tortured her for months levels his gaze with hers. His lips curve with a malicious sort of smile, one she's seen numerous times before. One she knows means danger. "My beloved wife," he greets as if he is the doting husband and not a monster in man's clothing. "I have missed you terribly all this time." His gaze shifts from her to Jon, eyes narrowing somewhat, though his mouth has yet to lose it's grin. "Thank you for returning Lady Bolton to me. Now," he pauses, smile vanishing, his dark eyes never once wavering in their gaze. "Get off your horse and kneel before me. Beg my forgiveness for stealing away my bride and raising an army against me. Name me the true Warden of the North and I will pardon you for all your transgressions, treasonous as they may be." He smirks now, as if he thinks he's got the upper hand, as if he thinks he's already won this battle. "I will even pardon these treasonous lords who have betrayed my house in your name. I will forgive you for the viscous lies you spread of your birth just to garner their support. And my sweet wife, I won't even punish you for allowing them to call you their queen." For a moment he turns his eyes back to her, surprised to see she glares at him with eyes sharper than any blade. This is not the young woman he recalls. "You don't have the numbers like I do, you don't even have Winterfell." Despite the support they've gotten, it was true that their army did not quite equate to the one Ramsay has. "Come bastard, there's no need to send your men to slaughter. There is no need for a battle." He's turned his attention back to Jon and once again, he smirks, confident that any moment Jon will slide from his horse and kneel before him.
Instead, Jon remains there in his saddle, watching as a cold fury crosses Ramsay's features. "Aye, you're right." Jon finally speaks, nodding his head as his horse shifts beneath him. "There's no need for a battle. Thousands of men don't have to die." Beside him, Sansa listens carefully, for these words are not what she thought she might hear Jon say. The truth was, he'd not revealed to her what he had planned to say to Ramsay here at this meeting, but something told her he knew exactly what he was doing. She trusted him and so she continued to listen. "Only one of us." She turns her head to him then, eyes rounding in her shock. Across from them, Ramsay's face changes, something like worry and surprise flitting across his features. "Let's finish this the old fashioned way. You and me."
At the sound of laughter, Sansa turns back to Ramsay, who is nervously chuckling at the words Jon has just spoken. "I keep hearing stories about you bastard," he says when he's sobered, shaking his head. "The way the people in the North talk about you, it's as if you're the greatest swordsman who's ever lived." He's heard those rumors- that there wasn't a man out there that could take Jon Snow down. "Maybe I would beat you, maybe I wouldn't." He shrugs, as if it means little to him. "But what I do know, is my army would crush yours."
Now they know, now they all know- Ramsay Bolton is afraid.
Jon ducks his head to hide the smile that's surfacing; he had not thought things to fall into place so easily. "Aye, you have the numbers to beat us," he replies, raising his gaze back up to meet Ramsay's. "But will your men want to fight for you when they learn you wouldn't fight for them?" A silence descends among them and Jon knows he has him right where he needed him to be. There would be nothing Ramsay could say that would stop the seeds of doubt from running rampant among his men.
Again Ramsay laughs, as if it matters not what he's just said to him. Truth was, a cold sense of dread was filling him up. "You're good. Very good." He's glancing left and right at the men that surround him, wishing for just one moment that he'd chosen different men to bring. These Umber's and Manderly's were only loyal because he held Winterfell- but their loyalty was fleeting, as was many of the men beneath him. He knows he must try something else to get Jon Snow where he needed him. "Will you let your little brother die because you're too proud to surrender?"
For the first time, it's Sansa that speaks.
"How do we know you have him?" She asks, not once looking away as Ramsay turns his eyes upon her instead. His mouth twitches with a smile and he looks to the man on his left, giving a quick nod of his head. They all watch as the man pulls the head of a direwolf from his saddlebag and tosses it onto the ground between them. Sansa blinks but she does not speak; she can't, she can't. No, she thinks, I am stronger than this. Ramsay opens his mouth to speak, but she cuts him off. "You're going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well."
Then she's gone, urging her horse away from the scene.
"She's a fine woman, your sister," Ramsay says when she's gone, that malicious smile returning. Jon's lips curl with a scowl, but he doesn't reply. "I look forward to having her back in my bed, even if she's been used by you like the rumors say." It takes every ounce of his self control not to leap from his horse and drive Longclaw straight through his fucking heart. "If you change your mind bastard, send word. Otherwise... I will see you upon the battlefield."
And then he too is gone.
[ x x x ]
The firelight bathes her, casting a golden glow to her ivory skin, illuminating her like a goddess.
He sits on the edge of the bed, watching her as she slowly comes towards him, sinking into his arms when he opens them wide. Her mouth is on his, capturing him in a kiss that would have surely knocked him off his feet had he been standing. When he breaks the kiss, it's to catch her face between his palms, committing to memory the softness of her skin, the glimmer of her eyes, everything and anything that he can. The way that she's looking at him, he knows she's doing the same. "I'll come back to you, you know." He assures her softly, knowing her worries without her even saying them aloud.
A smile tugs at her lips as she leans in, forehead against his. "I know." She speaks softly, a hand sliding into his curls. Curls that one day their son will wear, too. A day she looks forward to perhaps more than any other. Jon's arms tighten their hold upon her and as he gently draws her down onto their bed, his lips find hers. She doesn't even know she's crying until Jon kisses the tears from her cheeks, tender and sweet.
This is the moment she'll hang onto. This is the moment she won't ever forget.
[ x x x ]
Dawn breaks and there is a stillness to the air; the calm before the storm.
The sky is clear of clouds, streaked instead with the colors of sunrise, pink like her lips, crimson like her hair. She is everywhere. The wind is the whisper of her voice against his skin, the rising sun is the warmth of her smile. He closes his eyes and breathes in, slow and deep, the image of her as he'd left her only moments ago, asleep in their bed, coming to his whirling mind. And baby Robb, too, who had slept peacefully in his cradle in the room, not even stirring when Jon had brushed a hand across his soft dark hair.
He opens his eyes and in the distance is Winterfell, the Bolton flags waving in the wind; soon, those would fall.
"Ready, little crow?" It's Tormund there at his side, Edd close behind. Their army has gathered, the various heads of the houses speaking to their people, giving them perhaps words of encouragement before the battle begins. Jon spares him a glance, a chuckle, and then a nod. "The queen is with the big woman, littler crow, too." He goes on, having only just left their sides a few moments ago. Jon feels his heart grow warm as it always does when he thinks of the relationship Tormund has built with Sansa and their son; he is grateful for those who offer them protection, for if something... If anything...
"If anything happens to me, take care of her, won't you?" Jon asks, turning to face the two men at his side. "Protect her. And Robb, too." He holds fast to their gazes and it takes only a moment for both men to nod. When he turns back to face front, they all can see Ramsay's army has begun it's approach and it is not the army they had perhaps expected to see him bring.
"It worked, eh?" Edd asks with a smirk, his eyes drifting along the lines of men. "Two thousand or so, you reckon?" Jon nods, knowing that there was no doubt his army now outnumbered the one Ramsay had boasted of only the morning before.
"Even the most loyal beast will turn on its master if it's not treated right," Jon says, knowing his words from the day before had not fallen on deaf ears. It was clear that Ramsay's decision to not stand up for his men and protect them from this battle had sent his men from him. He had no additional troops to rally to his side and now most certainly, he would be on the losing side of this battle. "It's time." He says, turning back towards the lines of soldiers he's mustered together, the men that will fight for Sansa, for Winterfell, for House Stark.
When he turns back, it's to draw Longclaw from its sheath. "For the North!" He bellows, thrusting his sword into the air, the men behind him cheering the words back. "For the Queen!" Again, the troops shout and hold their fists, their swords, high into the sky.
And then...
The battle begins.
[ x x x ]
In the end, it's thousands of men that choose not to fight for Ramsay.
Though he didn't know it at the time, some had deflected to Jon's army that very first night, some even the morning of battle. In the end, Ramsay's forces were crushed and then driven back... Back until there was no choice but to surrender.
When it's over and he stands at the edge of the battlefield, looking out at the dead, his heart is somber. Despite believing in what he was doing, it made killing no less easy. Not when it was Northern men who only fought against him because it was what they were told to do. Footsteps approach and when he turns, it's Tormund there, bloodied and bruised, but alive. Somewhere out there, Edd too was well, searching the field for survivors along with a few of the wildling men. "Bring her to me, won't you?" He asks and Tormund nods, needing to ask no further questions.
"What will you do with him?" Tormund asks before he goes, gesturing towards Ramsay Bolton that sits in chains just a short distance from where they stand. The man is bloody, beaten, his face swollen from the perhaps several punches Jon had landed before deciding it was not his place to take the man's life. And so he'd left him a bleeding mess on the ground, teeth knocked from his gums, nose broken, commanding the nearest man to bring him the chains that now encircled his wrists and ankles.
"It's for her to decide." Jon says, turning back to face Tormund who nods. "I have to find Rickon," he goes on, turning away only then. "Bring her to Winterfell, bring her home." He says over his shoulder and then he's running.
Running faster than he's ever run in all of his life.
Through the gates and into the courtyard, already full of frightened servants come to see the end results of the battle; one maid gives a little scream when she sees Jon rushing through, another drops to her knees in prayer, in sheer relief.
But he cares little for any of them, there is only one thing he cares about and that's finding Rickon. He rushes through the courtyard towards the door that leads down into the dungeons that Winterfell holds. Down the stone steps, nearly tripping over them in his haste to reach the bottom, Jon shouts his little brother's name. He pauses in the center of the long, dark corridor, breathing hard as he listens for any response. "Rickon!" He calls again, fear making him shiver as there comes no response.
Until...
"Hello?" It's a timid voice, a voice torn between boy and man. His heart skips a beat at the sound of it, coming from the cell just two from where he stands. Jon swallows against the lump in his throat as he peers into the bars of the cell, where Rickon now stands, probably just having got up from the cold stone floor. He's grown tall, thin perhaps from his time in captivity, but he is built like Sansa- like a willow tree. His Tully touched curls are long and unruly, desperately in need of a cut, but he can see the curls fall in the same way Robb's once had. He's right there then, hands grasping the iron bars, staring out at Jon, blinking as if he's trying to assure himself that he isn't dreaming. "J-Jon, is that you?" The boy speaks, quiet and tired, a voice of someone who isn't ready to believe that any of this could be real.
"Aye, it's me, Rickon. It's me and you're safe now." Tears are threatening to fill his eyes and so he blinks against them, his hand reaching out to gently touch the boy's, his skin cold to the touch. "Let me get you out of here," he glances down the hall and sure enough, there are the dungeon keys hanging on a peg on the wall, the same place they'd been kept since he was a boy playing down here with Robb. When he's grabbed them, he wrenches open the iron door and Rickon is in his arms, crying, laughing, clutching at the older brother he thought he might never see again. Jon wraps him in his arms, leaning over to press a kiss to the top of his curls. "Let's go get you warmed up," he hefts the boy up into his arms, unable to help but recall that first day Sansa had shown up at Castle Black- pale and cold, broken but not destroyed. Not entirely. Rickon seems thin and cold, but he seems unharmed for the most part, and Jon can only thank the old gods and even the new ones for perhaps protecting the youngest of the Stark's.
He carries him up out of the damp darkness of the dungeon and into the courtyard, where more people have gathered. Survivors of the battle litter the space, all soldiers from various houses, some bowing their heads in respect for the man that carries his little brother from the darkness and into the light, more falling to their knees in fealty of the man they know they will someday call king, be it of the Iron Throne or the North. But he moves past them all, carrying Rickon through the set of double doors that open up into the main corridor, the closet room to him the great hall. It's been years and years since he stepped foot into this place, into Winterfell, but his feet know the way as if he'd never even left.
The hall is blazing with firelight, for which he is thankful. He brings Rickon close as he dares and gently sets him on his feet, dragging a chair up for the boy a moment later. "Sit, warm yourself," he commands softly, a hand to his brother's head as the sound of footsteps fill his ears. He thinks it will be Sansa and Tormund, but he's surprised to see an old woman there, a woman he recalls from childhood. It's Agatha, perhaps the oldest of the servants in Winterfell now, that comes towards them, a blanket already in her hands. She silently offers it to Jon, who takes it and turns so he might drape it over Rickon's shoulders.
"Is she coming?" Agatha asks, softly, and Jon knows at once who she means. When he nods, tears fill her eyes and she smiles. "I have prayed for her everyday since she came here to marry that Bolton," she whispers, thinking back to the girl she had once served, to the girl who had endured so very much. "House Stark has come back to Winterfell." Agatha whispers before she curtsies to Jon and steps from the room, murmuring about the food she will have prepared for the entire castle.
Jon can't help but to smile and when he turns back to Rickon, the boy is staring after Agatha, his eyes wide. "What is it?" He asks, sinking down til he's at eye level with him.
"She fed me extra, she would sneak me food even though Ramsay forbid it." Rickon says softly, recalling the times Agatha would creep into the dark dungeon just to bring him an extra portion of supper, waiting until he finished eating to take the dishes back, to ensure they were never caught. Jon turns back to glance at where Agatha had once stood, knowing there was little he could do to repay the kindness that woman had shown Rickon, and most likely Sansa when she too had been a captor here. "She didn't come last night and I was worried." Jon smiles again and ruffles the boy's hair, rising back up to his full height.
"There is nothing you must ever worry about again." Jon says softly, peering down into the boy's blue eyes, ones that are shaped as Sansa's are, but not quite the same shade of color. "We're going to be a family again." Rickon holds fast to his gaze and after several long, silent moments, he nods.
[ x x x ]
She's never rode faster in all of her life.
Urging her horse on, Sansa rides through the gates of Winterfell with Tormund close behind. In the courtyard stands various people and she can hear their gasps and shouts as she brings her mare to a stop. But she cannot stop for them, she cannot speak to them. Not yet. And though people cry out their joy for her, she runs past them all, skirts clutched in her fists as she goes up the stone steps and pushes past the double doors to rush inside.
"In there."
Sansa turns to her right at the sound of the voice, surprised to see Agatha standing there, the old maid she's known since her birth. "In the great hall," she points down the corridor to the left, where the room is housed. "They're waiting for you, my lady." In the coming days, she would learn to call the young woman by her true title but for now, she can't help but to call her the one she's always known her as. "Welcome home, Lady Stark." The redhead smiles and then she's gone, dashing off down the hall, disappearing through the doors to the great hall only a moment later. Agatha smiles and takes to the stairs behind her, where upstairs maids have already begun to clean and change the lord's rooms, now to certainly be called the queen's rooms.
The doors to the great hall feel heavier than she recalls, but she pushes them open and steps inside, swallowing down the lump of emotions rising into her throat. There, settled just before the hearth, wrapped in a blanket and spooning soup into his mouth, is Rickon. The little boy raises his face, as does Jon who sits beside him, blue eyes widening at the sight of her standing there. "Rickon..." She whispers her little brother's name, tears already beginning their descent down her cheeks as she takes a single step closer to where he sits. Rickon is rising up then, setting his soup aside, the blanket falling from his shoulders to the floor. He has grown tall, his face lost of its childlike plumpness and she's stricken by the resemblance to herself in him. To their mother. Something between a sob and laugh escapes her as he rushes into her arms and she sinks to the floor with him wrapped in her embrace. And she might never let him go, in truth.
Jon watches the scene between sister and brother, smiling, yet again choked up on his own emotion. It was as Agatha had said, the Starks had come back to Winterfell, and they would never leave again.
#jonsa#actuallyjonsa#jon x sansa#essos au#i ended up writing more than i expected but there's nothing wrong with that i guess lol#my writing#i wrote this#got au#we say fuck canon on this blog
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Hey, i'm actually a "truscum" i found out recently, but im a little confused on the whole ordeal. Im not even sure if i actually am truscum or not- because some posts seem to tie up with me being one but others dont, but i saw you were really against them, so i wanted to ask if you're okay with a friendly calm conversation about it? I am very confused and i just want to learn a bit more or find out if i'm wrong about the whole ordeal. Are you open to it?
i'll be honest im not sure how friendly i can be with this kind of conversation because i really truly genuinely, and i don't use this word lightly, Hate truscum and its hard for me to really be civil about the discussion. but for the sake of this and me giving you a lot of benefit of the doubt that this ask is in good faith i'll explain why i do not like the entire truscum ideology
1. i guess i'll start off with the Big One - the claim that dysphoria is Required to be trans. i'll preface this by saying that i am someone who has experienced, and currently Experiences in wildly different degrees depending on what is happening in my life, dysphoria throughout my entire life. i had my entire teenage and young adult years stolen from me by it. i won't get into details about it because that is a Very Very Personal subject for me, but needless to say dysphoria is something that was a very prevalent part of my life.
anyway. the notion that dysphoria is a Trans Requirement™ is something that i hugely disagree with. i used to think that me figuring out i was a trans woman was because i experienced dysphoria, but frankly the opposite is true. dysphoria is what made me refuse to believe i was a woman or could ever be one. it made me believe i was a man and that was all i would ever be. it wasn't until i really started experimenting with my gender and unpacking a lot of stuff i felt about myself that i started to finally realize the woman i was. i first started trying our she/her pronouns nearing four years now, and started using the name Alice a few months after that. being referred to as a woman & experimenting with different feminine things gave me such incredible feelings of euphoria that i still experience to this day whenever i discover something new about my identity.
and that is something ive heard from SO many other trans people i know. or different things too - i know people who are completely fine with their bodies, just certain words and terms never felt Right to them. because the thing with dysphoria is that it, like all things gender related, is a product of society. dysphoria only exists because transphobia exists - people are told that there are these two rigid things that you are and HERE is what makes you one of those things, and those things are drilled into you literally since birth. everything from colors to jobs to hobbies to cars to entertainment to clothing to Literally Everything is gendered, and when that happens then of fucking course there are gonna be people who don't fall in line with that, and when it's so instilled into people and seen as such societal norms of COURSE people are going to have trouble with that.
and that's not even getting into the subject of gender on a biological level. the fact of the matter is that the two sex system Isn't True and that biological sex is very complicated. intersex people exist, people with all kinds of different chromosomes exist, people of certain body types that have higher levels of different hormones exist, SO much goes into that subject that frankly narrowing it down to two things just doesn't Work
and that's the real problem at the end of the day. dysphoria only exists because of a fucked up gender binary that clashes with both biology and sociology. people are complicated on both a biological and personal level and having set binaries for things is bound to cause confusion & doubt.
like, people's identities are SUCH personal things in so many different ways. there isn't any Right Way™ to be trans. i know trans women with beards, trans women who have no interest in starting hrt, trans men who wear dresses and makeup, non-binary people who make no effort to be androgynous, i know SO many different identities and different people. because the fact is that there's no right way to be trans because nothing is inherently gendered including people's very bodies. people are themselves and there is no Right way to be themselves.
that's on top of the lack of education when it comes to the subject of gender. such a huge part too of me figuring out i was trans was literally learning that it was even a fucking option. i genuinely didn't know just Being A Girl was an option. reading up on gender stuff and researching the different idea of transitioning was intrinsic in my figuring out who i was because oh shit turns out there are people like me and that is Okay.
like, dysphoria literally could've been a non-issue for me. i could've lived in a world where i could just Exist and enjoy whatever i wanted without it being weird. i could've decided so much sooner that i wasn't happy with the way my body was growing and not spent my entire teen years being so confused why i was so sad seeing my girl peers. i could have from the start just gotten to be a girl and never have had dysphoria be part of the equation.
im not trans being i experience dysphoria. im trans because being a woman is rad as hell and it's what i wanted. im trans because changing my name to Alice was the biggest moment of my entire life. im trans because rebelling against the societal restraints of gender is fucking metal. im trans because my friends can't even remember me ever not being me now. im trans because im a great older sister. im trans because god nerfed me and i said nah thanks man but im not feeling it.
my identity and my gender are very personal and complicated things, and narrowing it down to "i experience dysphoria" is frankly insulting to me.
anyway, that's the big point out of the way, so here's some shorter ones
2. this is kinda expanding on the last point, but truscum both insisting non-binary people aren't a thing and them insisting "transtrenders" exist is hmm Bad
the sheer fact of the matter is the concept of being non-binary has existed from the oldest known records of human history on TOP of that concept being prevalent in many different cultures so what do ya know there's a healthy dose of racism involved in the denial of non-binary people. the gender binary is such a western concept and there are SO many different cultures where different gender identities exist.
and, frankly, going back to the above point that gender is fucking Fake and is a societal concept - again, of fucking course there are going to be people who see a rigid set of rules on gender and are like "well wait that doesn't fit me" so of COURSE non-binary people exist
on the subject of "transtrenders" i feel like i shouldn't even HAVE to get into this subject because of how inherently transphobic it is. the concept doesn't exist. there are people who experiment with their gender and then decide their assigned one is fine. there are people who go through all kinds of different identities. there are people who come out as a different gender and then revert back due to backlash. there are people who get told the way they present their gender is the Wrong Way™ and get branded a trender. it's a dangerous thought process that literally does nothing but serve the cis status quo and make people afraid to experiment and think about their identities.
3. the idea that Those Evil Trenders™ are stealing resources from the Real Trans People™ is, frankly, fucking bullshit. issues when it comes to trans people finding difficulty accessing healthcare comes from a transphobic society hellbent on denying us care on top of fucked up healthcare systems in general. hormones aren't some limited quality hard to acquire thing - when i started hrt transferring my prescription from my clinic to my local pharmacy was a non-issue because it's something basically any pharmacy will have for ALL kinds of different purposes. it's an issue because healthcare in general is a god damn Mess on TOP of inherent transphobia
and, frankly, truscum are directly involved in that transphobia in the medical field. unless you find an informed consent clinic you're going to have to jump through all kinds of hoops to prove you're Actually Trans™ by getting referrals from other (almost always cis) people and then get put on ridiculous waitlists to make sure you're not about to change your mind. that kind of attitude is only encouraged by truscum and it is one of the biggest source of trans people having such difficulty accessing healthcare.
4. truscum as far as im concerned are no different than any other transphobe. two years ago before i started hrt i was harassed by truscum multiple times, each time having them tell me i wasn't trans, that i was just a trender, and it genuinely boggles my mind that anyone thinks misgendering me because i disagreed with their ideology is Woke, actually. I've seen so many fellow trans women getting called men by truscum who disagreed with them. i was actively told i shouldn't start hrt because i "wasn't really trans and was gonna ruin my life"
i really hope all of people live in anger every day knowing ive been on hrt over a year and a half and am fucking Thriving
anyway that's all i got to say on the matter i realize my points became less thought out as it went on but frankly the first point is enough for me to not like truscum
(please refrain from reblogging this i don't want any clowns in my inbox)
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h-hewwo it’s my dragon age oc, his name is Tarenan. He is an ancient elf who went into uthenera after the fall of Arlathan. He fought with the rebeliion along with Solas ;w; im up for RP/HCs! also english is not my first language so please excuse my grammar / vocabulary errors dshsdhhsdh
Tarenan
Taren : Mind
Nan : Revenge
Renan : Voice
Taren was born in Arlathan, to healer parents, servants of Elgar’Nan. He was born conveniently attractive, wrapped in smooth, fair skin. Silky jade coloured hair draped along his shoulders gracefully, he was fit, slender built with average height. The glint of his emerald orbs were mesmerizing. He was unblemished.
However, alas, it was like the universe was trying to nerf him, Tarenan was lacking the ability to wield magic, much to his dismay. Taren had 2 older brothers, so naturally, his parents did not really mind his “defect”, however the elvhen did not took it so kindly. Slithering whispers on his back whenever he went was inevitable, and it always riled him up. The discrimination and the pity stares he received shaped him into an ambitious, prove-thirst chaotic individual. He was notorious, he’d pick a fight whenever one of his peers started to pity his inability to use magic. “I’m still better than you even if i could not wield magic.” Taren would always find a way to prove that he was indeed better than everyone, and easily enough, he realized violence solves the problem. Taren did not really care about his academic achievements, for he saw the best on academic matters would probably ended up working in the grand library doing monotone research anyways. Boring.
So he trained, ceaselessly, with a goal in mind to become Elgar’nan’s elite warriors, so no one could ever belittle him anymore. If someone without magic like him can join the elites, then who are you to belittle him, right ? Taren was not gifted in terms of strength and muscles, but his assessment were always on point. Thus, he realized something crucial – The ancient elves... DID mind about their gracefulness when they fight. They thought so highly about having to look good even when you’re about to bathe in someone else’s blood, which is… bullshit, if Taren must say. So Taren took advantage of that, and developed his own fighting style. It was definitely.... beastly, wild, its “ugly” ; according to everyone. But he won. Mostly. Him, against elves with magic.
Ultimately, his notorious achievement reached on Elgar’Nan’s ears, and so he was recruited and joined the legion. Even though Taren was still a rookie, he worked harder than most, and showed an indomitable determination. As a gift, Taren was given a chance to receive a “lyrium marking”, which enables those so called “defected” elves to use magic. Sometimes Elgar’nan would send his troops to the dwarven underground for the lyrium, and only the maker knows what Elgar’nan would do to those lyrium. (x) (I suspect the Tevinter / Fenris’s lyrium markings was a technique derived from the elvhen) Taren was delighted, and after a series of excruciating experiments, it finally happened.
Strange markings appeared all over his body. Levitation was the first thing he tried to master, he was able to phase through objects, and then shapeshift, though it requires extreme concentration to be able to keep up the transformation for a long time, and ultimately, Taren were totally unbeatable in the battlefield. He soared the sky, killed Elgar’nan’s enemies as much as he could, hoisted Elgar’nan’s flag on every landmark he could see, all he did to show his loyalty to Elgar’nan. To spat, on those who underestimate him. Pride and arrogance filled his heart, it blinded him to the bitter truth he chose to ignore. Then, Taren became an arcane warrior, one of Elgar’Nan’s elite bodyguard, appointed exclusively by Elgar’Nan himself. Tarenan did not possess the tall and bulky body like other warriors. In fact, he was probably one of the smallest elite bodyguard Elgar’nan ever had. It becomes an advantage though. People unfamiliar to him would underestimate his physique. Little did they know, Tarenan was one of Elgar’nan prized champions. Taren was deadly and impeccable. Strong, boisterous, never wavering. Naturally, having such title comes with great burden and responsibilities too. As a champion, it was one of his duty to do Elgar’nan’s dirty work. Taren understands, and he tremendously enjoyed the title bestowed upon him.
Until one day, he found a baby. Crying. Under the bed, where her supposedly parents killed by Taren. Taren had killed widows, whores, rebel teenagers, concubines, men with families, soldiers, but not…. A baby… When Taren picked her up, her crying stopped. She stared at Taren, wide eyed, curious. Using the last of his conscience, Taren decided that it was.. better that she was brought back, rather than killed. She could become a nurse, or farmer.. and so he jumped from the window, flew to the horizon, with a baby slept soundly on his arms.
It was NEVER on his thought, to actually have a kid. He did had meaningless dangles obviously, but a family ? To become a father ? Never. But there he stood, changing her diaper. The baby started to cry whenever Taren was not around, and she looked like she was the most comfy baby when sleeping on Taren’s arms. In the end Taren decided that she will be his responsibility, because she threw the biggest tantrum when she was handled with the midwives and milk mothers, and Taren did not trust those lame ladies anyways. They treat babies as if they’re fragile creatures, must be protected at all costs. For Taren, babies had to be taught the cruel world from early ages. Let them fall when they learn to walk, so that they will understand pain and refrain from doing the same mistakes again. Besides, the baby seemed to like being handled with Taren. It cried when the midwives put her in frilly dresses, she seemed to grow fond of the lame, comfy baby onesie Taren picked for her. She giggled cheerfully when Taren threw her up on the air, and snorted adorably when she was being carried upside down by him.
Taren the savage arcane warrior ? The beast who always wore armor and kept his wings visible all the time ?
It was a surprise, really. So Taren could not really blame them, he did not believe it at first either. People were worried about the girl’s future, about how Taren would accidentally sit on her or drop her. Or stab her with that stupid claw armor he wore all the time. Little did they know, Taren was actually a great father, and he loved his daughter, dearly, as a father should. Gold ain’t always golden, and he named her Minaya.
Minaya grew into a sensible, gentle woman in nature. She was his pride, she was Taren’s 80% impulse control. Taren used to teach her everything, now she taught Taren about compassion, to let go of all the hate and hatred Taren kept, to find his own happiness in the harsh world they live in. It changed how Taren saw the world. Every path Taren took, he calculated how it’d affect Minaya in some ways, he realized how his path were always against what Minaya had taught him. Finally Taren was forced to acknowledge all his past misdeeds. He realized how filthy he was by doing Elgar’nan’s dirty works. He realized how despicable the lies Elgar’nan preached to comfort the soldiers when the poor souls were about to be deployed to an unjust war. He was furious at the evanuris. He was angry at how Elgar'nan’s pride could cost innocent lives, gallons of blood spilled for unworthy cause. He was enraged, for the pride he sought turned out was an illusion. Sweet lies Elgar'nan whispered on his ears, glorifying what was horrible. Exasperated, because the most guilty had the cleanest hands.
When he came back from the battlefield, the pain changed him.
Taren could not just escaped and ran away from Elgar’nan, he could not just joined the other “better” evanuris. He could not defy Elgar’nan, he could not risked Minaya. Elgar’nan was merciless, he was utterly cruel to those who oppose him. He was called a “god” for a reason. Taren was helpless against his fate.
Minaya, of course, realized it. Taren’s pain was her own, she was always there for him during Taren’s difficult times. She gave him a reason to keep thriving for a better future, to keep the fuel burning. She turned his pain into wisdom, helplessness into fortitude. His daughter was the only light in his dark path that kept him away from being astray.
Just when Taren thought about starting over, to do things right - Mythal was killed. It was a catastrophe, the world was on fire. The sounds of the blacksmith forging metals filled the sky, soldiers kept marching day and night, the whispers of prayers were heard everywhere Taren goes. Taren had to accompany Elgar’nan, and left Minaya to her own. She was already a healer at this point and she’d be safe at the shelter, while tending those who were injured. If he kept Elgar’nan close, then Taren would knew what was his enemy up to, right ? Because Taren knew, the death of Mythal was one of many Elgar’nan’s shenanigans all along. Because Taren, was indeed, involved in some ways. Elgar’nan overthrew his own father, what made people think that he would not overthrow his own wife too ?
Mythal was justice, she cared about her people. Taren never saw Mythal soldiers being sent to an unjust war, when she waged a war it was because of a good cause. Never for her pride. Taren secretly respected her, and Mythal’s right hand too. Solas. War after war raged on, it was pointless. It never ends. Until finally Taren found out that the dread wolf led a rebellion army against the Elven gods. Taren always played the obedient pet role to Elgar’nan, so naturally, it would never occur to Elgar’nan that Taren would betray him. And so he did.
Taren joined the rebellion army, along with Minaya. He wanted a redemption, a chance to regain his dignity back after all he had done. His vallaslin was removed by Solas, for Elgar’nan was no longer his master. The path he took now was even more bloody and jaggy, but it also gave him freedom; a privilege to choose his own actions. It felt right.
Minaya married one of the healers she worked along with. He was a great, honorable man. Taren cried during the ceremony, the joy he felt was overflowing from his chest. She told Taren to not worry about her anymore, and that he should focus on his dreams, on things that made him happy. So Taren did. He worked along with Solas, they gave the freed slave sanctuary from their tyrannical masters. His people defended the valley in which the sanctuary sat, and he protected them all. Many joined him in his fight for freedom from the gods. (x)
The war did not stop though, and at this point Taren and Solas knew that the evanuris would eventually destroy the world, because their lust for power was insatiable. Taren spent most of his life serving under Elgar’nan, he knew what the gods were capable of. So Solas came up with a solution, and he needed Taren’s help to achieve it. The price for it was tremendously huge, but Taren agreed because it was necessary.
Kill hundreds to save thousands. It was judicious.
Eventually Solas sealed the elvhen gods within the veil, and for that Taren was utterly grateful, but he also felt intense despair and guilt as he watched the fall of Arlathan. His pain was so great, even Minaya could not made it better. She watched him cried all his tears. Taren succumbed into his depression, his life was now devoid of emotions, it extinguished the fire ignited within him.
So he went to uthenera afterwards, and slept for eternity.
Only to be awoken from his long slumber after the Inquisition disbanded. Confused and not knowing whatever happened to his world, he started his journey to relearn his new world, and to find out what happened to his daughter.
---
ps. Minaya is my Lavellan’s ancestor
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posts about things with absolutely no introduction but it's because i was reminded of the topic the other day
this one's for those of us in the lifelong isolation no friends society, i know sometimes there's other people out there!! anyways i've been thinking about how like, personally, obviously, b/c idk how other ppl do it b/c we aren't friends with each other lol, its just a fuckin wild thing to deal with in part cuz its one of those answers to which there's not necessarily any Right Way to handle things or Answer or Solution or anything. isolation p much = more isolation and plus not having friends makes ppl less likely to socialize with you so that's rough; anyways yknow, the point is just oops you can't Choose to like, obtain a friend. u can try to get ppl interested but you can't control it beyond that, so, yknow
anyways what am i getting to? yeah so i've never had close friends in that i was never able to share personally honest things anyways for the longest time for a couple reasons, and also, people just didn't like me. the double whammy of "oh no its abuse" and "oh no you're lowkey socially ostracized by your peers from preschool on without end" is like, good luck to little me getting friends! i had sort-of friends in like a couple ppl who'd hang out with me regularly and on occasion we'd go to each others houses or smthing but it wasnt able to be like, the normal fun event it should. oh well. middle school was a little better and a little worse but i didnt keep up w ppl cuz i went to a different school later and its that situation where you're friends-ish Because you're at the same school right...smh...didnt thrive in college magically, but one essential thing was i was away from home more often than not so, that was real important ultimately. but anyways in the end i had like a handful of college friends-ish (accepted by other friends groups lol) and theres a couple of them i still talk to now and again
so like, yknow, friends, mostly friendly acquaintances, my siblings i'd classify as friendly acquaintances, i'm very glad about all of them really. just unfortunately i've only just started to have friendships that are like a decade old and the "longtime close" friendship is nonexistent b/c college is just four years and then you go other places, and i'm not at the heart of friend groups and not "good" at communication in other ways so its hard to keep in touch in ways. smh!!
funnily enough i'm also not good at internet stuff though it's been absolutely essential, god knows. that's why i'm able to talk to anyone rn!! but i can't do group chats and i only like approaching things "one on one" aka i don't like feeling like im in the midst of a group even outside group chats. if you get what i'm saying. like even back being in the small early mh fandom of like, three dozen ppl, in retrospect i didnt like having to be in the entire Group yknow. lemme just be over here. which is what i do now.
anyways for additional reasonsl, communicating has been trickier these past few years and for the most part its been kind of a situation where i wasn't necessarily going to get to talk to someone every day, though usually it'd maybe only be like, a gap of a day or two. and anyways, the thing is that, over the past ten years especially its started to be Distressing like wanting friends, not as much having them, and also having it be more obvious that there was some kind of deficiency keeping me from having (and having had) friends like other people did. not fun! but what i'm getting around to here, whats been wild, is just this like, decade-ish (or two decade-ish if you want) Personal Effort to just figure out how the fuck to stop having to feel like shit about it all the time right? then you're lonely AND stressed and probably self loathing also
so like yeah, the thing is that the other day something was going on about like, yknow, the idea of the longtime close friend with a steadfast presence in your life, and that's just always like, lfjdglmao what!!! sounds nice. i had a friend for a week in second grade and im not sure we ever spoke and then the teacher made us sit on opposite sides of the classroom and it was too embarrassing to be friends anymore. that's kinda close but lol for real......it's not only the lack of friends to tackle but also like, i don't assume to have friends in the future. it's something that like, i would obviously theoretically want, and be happy if it happened, but i can't say i hope for it, because that implies too much being expectant or whatever. and it's weird!! its a weird time just kind of presuming friendlessness until otherwise occurs. and it's not great, i'm definitely still unhappy about all this shit. its just that i've also like, been able to shave off how distressing the issue mightve been in earlier years yknow
like it sounds all depressing to say like, i've just had to be less emotionally invested in the whole thing, but it's kind of true. not by ignoring it or ignoring the feelings so much as like...just acknowledging that this is how it is and there's only so much i can do but not hating myself about it is a start. and yeah it's like "oh, feeling less, depressing" but also frankly when i decided also that its less horrible to be friendless than to feel stuck w crap ppl / ppl who you aren't too important to / etc, i figured that i'd also rather be friendless and just enjoy being myself than try to make myself easier to talk to. i'm not like intimidating or anything, i just can't hold a conversation. but i'm not very interested anymore in trying to convince ppl to like me, yknow, i'm out here, and if i'm ever going to have friends i'd like them to be people to like me For Who I Am, wipe tear. what i'm just saying is "a weird dumbass" b/c its just vague social weirdness that ppl don't necessarily like, loathe, but probably they'd rather talk to someone else. i'm not great at socializing stuff, like i said, hence social rejection since age 4
oh and i meant to say!! i've been able to turn up my emotions by turning down my investment in the idea of Needing To Always Be Trying To Make Friends b/c, as anyone might know, all i like to do is talk at great length about whatever weird, niche shit i'm into at any given point. and that's pretty much it. i'm not pretending to be deep by not really knowing how to do small talk. lmao you guys know what i'm talking about. and obviously not everybody is into Getting Enthusiastic or super focused on whatever weird thing at any point, and i'm not Into getting my passion all fired up and being brushed off or anything, so we can all avoid each other, and i get to continue entertaining myself
so that's a way i've been able to turn my feelings up actually lol.....dunno how to segue into it so i won't but it's also just like, not saying that i Truly Don't Care about not having friends, or that it doesn't hurt that i've had this relative friendless past and the futures looking bleak, b/c it does!! it's still distressing. but like, its turned down. the whole general issue can be a very Bitter one for sure!!!! and it has been in the past sometimes and like.....it's still there basically, i've just been able to turn down the volume a lot on a bunch of these shit feelings like "that's upsetting" or "i'm bitter about that" and just kind of calmly let it simmer back down b/c i'm sort more familiarish with what sets it off and more familiar with Dealing With It Always overall
no idea if i've made the point i was setting out for there. dealing with the No Friends Isolation Life society life is not fun but we're out here, sometimes. it continues to be not fun. "oh well," is an often relevant sentiment. c'est la vie. c'est ce que c'est? i think. and i think it's nice that after years and years of just like, struggling to figure this shit out myself, and probably feeling like shit most of the time, i've at least managed to go "shh" at some Bad Feelings. definitely still there. but this time it doesn't heap extra shittiness on top b/c of having to deal with the intensity of it and feel bad about that too etc etc. it's all weird! getting more familiar with dealing with some shit which is just, the way that it is in part because of bad luck and of course i'm jealous of everybody who does have friends. but oh well. b/c c'est la vie. im also glad for everybody who has friends, obv. it's all complicated!! which is just part of why this post exists. it has no real point, i'm just kinda going like, weird, huh? and kind of good, and kind of a bummer. oh well
also im aware this is a suddenly long, technically depressing post at like circa midnight for a lot of people, but basically this is just me in normal mood. sometimes it's depressing posts time out of nowhere, but i'm not especially depressed!! nighttime is just more of my Peak Hours. night owl 4 life. thanks
oh and ps. another thing i would think about (with more distress in the past, and like, no distress now) is that its also funny cuz, one thing i’ve generally had to do is be aware that it’s a bigger deal for you (me) to get a new Friend than it is for them to be getting you as a friend, b/c math says so. and so i’ve had to push myself to not be overly hopeful or invested in order to be both fair to them and myself. and nowadays that’s just kind of how i view the no-friends-ness of it all, like. i’m not mad that i’m not for some reason way closer to anybody i know. why would i be. and i don’t expect anybody to think like “oh my god we have to be Good Friends” because like. not in a self deprecating way but like, why would any random person want that. and i dont expect to be better friends with ppl im just casual friends with, which is great, cus like Friendly Acquaintances and other lite friendships are fantastic and im very grateful. but i am aware there’s plenty of reasons making it difficult to just like, pick up a Close Buddy and i’m not like “oh i demand one from somewhere, from some reason.” so what i am trying to say is that keeping my expectations honestly realistic is an effort to be fair to both other ppl and myself and i think it works. no friends!! we out here!!!!
#long post ////#long and incoherent lord knows. whatevs#its midnight...the no Purposeful Writing hours.......#(bat emoji)
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this became just a random summary of my thoughts on mainly yu gengyin (with other kids sprinkled in lol) throughout various episodes of season 2, which may or may not be presented in any sort of logical flow or order, just a warning....
i feel like yu gengyin is normally a calm boy, pretty direct, but keeps his composure. but this pose right here, i can relate to his contempt for zhou wen HAHAHHAHHAHAAHAHA HES SO DONE HAHHAHAHA
i havent even started the episode yet but i saw they’re gonna perform exo’s wolf and just started LAUGHING HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA I NEVER HTGOUHT HAHAHH NOT THIS SONG HAHHAHAHHAHA
tbh im totally ok with leo not choosing ygy HAHAHAHAHHAHA no offense to him, but he’s not very good at playing the super idol game, so hopefully ygy can shine stronger elsewhere. i feel like this show doesnt show him enough appreciation yet.
HAHAHAHAH YGY IN THE SAME GROUP AS CXK YES IM THRIVINGGG
suddenly leo’s team got very strong lol
but pyj hating hd still lol.... but its ok they have wmt even tho they got a bunch of new kids and the most useless new kid lol.....
i was just complaining about lack of ygy but suddenly there are more flashes to ygy on screen lol... amazing... but he does look really nice in this color
WHEN YGY GOT NOMINATED TO BE ELIMINATED MY HEART BROKE
but tbh for the remainder of the ep i more worried about freaking wumuti looking like he was freaking dying gosh he shouldve gone to rest or something, they really didnt need him to keep standing there after he finished performing. freaking muti pulled off an amazing performance despite his condition and as soon as he exited that stage persona, he literally looked like he was so weak and so pale i was like oh gosh let the boy rest!!! ugh but yea i refuse to believe / am in denial that ygy may possibly get eliminated so i am refusing to think about it LOL. anyway now on ep 6 they literally keep giving him screentime. zfz literally saying the purpose of this mission is to “save ygy” and cxk talking about giving ygy a special role in their perf so he can shine ;_; i love friendship
but im not complaining about extra ygy time ehehehheh he looks like a prince for this stage and i love how he’s still smiling brightly throughout the ep and when aya brought up his status of being nominated for elims he was like ‘can you not say it out loud” and it was jokingly and he was smiling but the downward motion he made with his hands, i was like ah he is trying not to cry?
its interesting bc im almost grateful at least now ygy will get some more attention
wow look how stylish wu muti was in 2016
oof watching ep 7 was painful..... it felt like an ultimate low for gengyin, and even tho we all teared up when zfz was eliminated.... it kinda made sense when he was talking about the colors and how he liked his own color so maybe hes just not meant to be in a boy band and i can agree... ahhhh side note fangzhou and yifan’s friendship ahhhh it makes so much sense why they’re still so close today.... even tho im still SO MAD that deng qiang is still here and fangzhou had to leave.... episode 8 was really FINALLY the break that this team as a whole really needed and im SO HAPPY and relieved for them
this entire season has felt like a low for gengyin, like torture for him, and he really hasn’t gotten a break to shine or to feel success and i feel like to be in that kind of a slump for like 2 months??? thats so sad... and im sure that takes a toll on your mental health. but despite it all, despite being passed up for getting chosen for the special stage, he still was rooting for daidai so cutely like the way he used a silly voice to chant “戴隊戴隊” and so wholeheartedly exclaimed “戴戴太感人了~ 媽呀! 唱得快撕裂了你知道嗎’ I mean, honestly he could’ve easily and understandably felt salty that daidai got that opportunity (even tho we all know gengyin has more vocal ability), but he didn’t. it felt like he truly and fully supported his friend and teammate and that already had my heart going oof
BUT THEN. then watching their practice footage and just watching him regain his confidence and then finally FINALLLYY perform like he was truly enjoying being on stage. after 8 freaking episodes, FINALLY its yu gengyin’s time to shine and i am THRIVING!!! ahhhhhhhhhh i literally stopped after their team’s perf to just absorb all the amazing things they said about him, about his vocals and high notes, and about his dancing improving, and about his rapping being so next level for him, and about his stage presence being the best hes been yet. and the comment the teacher made about how yu gengyin’s personality is just so nice and 善良 that he has had difficulty portraying a powerful stage presence and today he finally saw it, and i think he was just so perfect, im so proud and so happy!!!!!! and wow this stage is everything to me. cxk’s stage presence is already so strong (and btw i loved how kunkun so confidently said “ygy is our main vocal. he will no doubt stand on stage very confidently and perform well” -- i LOVE how much faith cxk has in gengyin, despite all the setbacks gengyin’s faced recently) and the choreo - they made it work for them and you could see them work together and i loved the way liu ye just literally SAW gengyin’s confidence. he saw how gengyin was just somehow so handsome on this stage and i think that says a lot about how much someone’s mental state can truly impact their performance. it hurt my heart to hear ygy describing being at risk for elimination for the past 3 weeks as feeling like he was physically weighed down by the immense pressure. he just seemed so tired, but at least within the last 2 eps the show has taken the time to really highlight how gengyin’s been practicing late at night alone, trying not to let down his team mates and really trying to improve himself. (ugh the fact that he had been practicing his high notes secretly all this time but never got to show it until he broke his voice...) But yes, i literally just watched their team’s performance and paused to type this all out and now im gonna go back and watch their whole segment again, because i love seeing yu gengyin’s transformation and this confident side of him. how can you not love his smile (and the way that they captioned this as "yu gengyin’s signature smile” :’)
man ep 8 is like THE time to be a ygy stan bc hes literally thriving and shining and getting all this screen time and attention and its so well-deserved and ive just been waiting 8 eps but we’re finally here :’) and yes its now official that ygy is my bias on this show i cant turn back now hahHHAHAHHA ive invested too many emotions into this child and you best bet i just changed my phone lock screen to also be ygy HAHHAHAHA its actually the top photo from the pic i just pasted above, bc this performance, that SMILE is EVERYTHING
but also on a darker note, the whole conflict between wu muti and huadi is making me uncomfortable.... honestly i feel bad that ive been hoping their team loses but thats mainly just bc i need deng qiang to get eliminated which would require their team to lose LOL but also this whole thing between muti and huadi is getting out of control and their tempers are p concerning... like tbh we all know huadi has a temper but like muti is firey too and he’s like at a point where he just keeps yelling and being rude so im like theyre both just being rude to each other and its to the point where its starting to affect their team work... oh noo. sigh... from the beginning i thought huadi and muti’s dance styles were so different that they may clash bc theyre both going to try to lead dance practice, but this is way worse, this is their personalities clashing and its much scarier than i expected.
also poor pinlin... man he like got super shafted during the first season imo and now he has to leave season 2 bc of his super serious injury.... ugh seeing his tears of frustration hurt my heart... he has so much talent and deserves more opportunity to show it :( but man his waist injury sounds so bad. the main bright side to all this is zuo qibo getting peer pressured into stepping up as a main vocal and really improving and getting some time to shine too. in season 1, back from when muti was like ‘noo i dont wanna be compared to qibo, hes a good singer’ until now, i dont think we’ve reaaalllyyy gotten too much of an opportunity to appreciate qibo’s vocal abilities because hes not had too much exposure and hes been overshadowed by the kids who have already established their strong vocal abilities. im scared hes under a lot of pressure now, as their leader and main vocal, but im glad hes been doing so well so far, good for him :’) im looking forward to seeing him improve and get more appreciation. i remember he was one of the most popular kids at the end of season 1 (along with cxk and wmt i think?) so i want to believe that he can live up to it. also this is random, but his visuals are really growing on me, like i can see him as a visual now and i think he looked really good this ep!!! to me visuals are cxk wmt zqb djy and maybe also hyf zpl yeeaaaaaaa but i mean ill say again, i just love ygy’s smile :’)
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@soonyoungs here you go!!!
Monsta X is a seven-member group that debuted on May 14, 2015!
Their fans are known as Monbebes.
Each member won their spot through a survival show called NO.MERCY, which you can watch here: (episode 1) (episode 2) (episode 3) (episode 4) (episode 5) (episode 6) (episode 7) (episode 8) (episode 9) (episode 10)
Warning about NO.MERCY: it’s... tough to watch, sometimes. It’s great to see how the group came to be, and it’s awesome to see each members growth, but you also have to see their peers and friends lose a spot and leave, which is always sad. Episode 7 in particular is rough, and I still haven’t watched the last episode because I’m a weenie and don’t wanna see #GUN not get in, haha. ;;;
The members are Shownu (Sohn Hyun-woo), Wonho (Shin Ho-seok), Minhyuk (Lee Min-hyuk), Kihyun (Yoo Ki-hyun), Hyungwon (Chae Hyung-won), Jooheon (Lee Joo-heon) and I.M (Im Chang-kyun). I’ll write more about them later, because I’ll never move on if I get started, haha.
Their lead singles are:
Trespass
Rush
Hero
All In
Stuck
Fighter
Beautiful
Shine Forever
Other songs with music videos (plus one performance vid):
Amen
Perfect Girl
Gone Bad
Mirotic cover
Unfair Love
Roller Coaster (my personal favorite c’:)
White Love
Need You
They have 1 studio album (plus a repackaged version) and 4 mini-albums out right now! I have other favorite songs from each album but I won’t list them right now because it’s been a while since I said I’d link you things, haha... but if you want more song recommendations, just ask and I would be happy to give you them!
They’ve also done a few reality shows, most notably Right Now and X-Ray!
Right Now episodes:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
X-Ray episodes:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5 (get ready to have your heart melted! this is literally one of the cutest things I have ever seen.)
Episode 6
Here’s a playlist of a thing they did called Deokspatch (where they do random challanges).
I wanted to link you to their Fan Heart Attack episode, but it seems to be taken down??? That’s a major bummer... :’c
Some shorter videos that I remembered that are great:
Who’s the best at dating?
Safari in Monbebe World
I.M.’s PPAP
Hero Qmentary
Their first Weekly Idol
Baggage Check
Prank Call
Monsta X vs Seventeen: Basketball
S.Coups is good at DDR. I.M, Hyungwon, and Minhyuk... not so much.
Hyungwon sure can lie to himself.
OH. BEFORE I FORGET. THE MEMBERS. JEEZ LOUISE, ME.
Shownu is the leader, lead vocalist, and main dancer! A 92 liner. The “dad” of the group. Definitely the “strong, silent” type. Gets called robotic a lot, but he’s opened up a ton as time has gone on. Is actually super adorable, once he feels comfortable. He’s currently on a show called Lipstick Prince, where a panel of male idols learn about different make up techniques!
Wonho is a sub-vocalist, lead dancer, and one of the visuals! A 93 liner. He’s literally one of the sweetest people I’ve ever seen!!! Very kind-hearted and emotional, and loves ramen, bunnies, and fashion. Gets sick easily and works out a lot. Used to have to show off his body a lot, but luckily they’ve seemed to let him chill a bit with that. Loves working on songs, and actually wrote lyrics to three songs on their latest album!!! (He also wrote the music for two of them, and arranged one of them!)
Minhyuk is a sub-vocalist, and he’s also one of the visuals and the group’s mood maker! A 93 liner. Very loud and bubbly. Hilarious, and loves entertaining others. Loves video games! Also loves kids, and wants to have some in the future. Doesn’t get a lot of lines. :ccc
Kihyun is the main vocalist! A 93 liner. He’s proud and feisty, but also a bit insecure (which more than half of the members are, actually :\) and thrives on compliments. Is super corny, but also makes himself cringe a ton, haha. The “mom” of the group. He’s very cleanly, and nags the other members a lot.
Hyungwon is a sub-vocalist, and one the visuals! A 94 liner. He’s modeled in the past, and also enjoys dj-ing. Sassy and fairly expressive, and naps a lot. You’ve seen memes of him, no doubt! Also doesn’t get a ton of lines. :ccc
Jooheon is the main rapper! A 94 liner. Has a charismatic, fairly “aggressive” stage presence. Does aegyo a lot off-stage to make him seem less “scary”, although he’s stopped doing it as much recently due to him wanting people to see him as more than cute. Is a major scaredy-cat. Is also very self-conscious, and can be sensitive when he thinks people are making fun of him. :c Has the best dimples when he smiles!!!
I.M is the lead rapper and “4D” member! A 96 liner. He’s the youngest, and had a rough start on NO.MERCY due to being brought into the competition late. :c Is kind of aloof, and has a “strange” sense of humor. Loves memes and hates doing cute things.
I’m so sorry the member’s section is limited... I’ve gotten distracted and gave like... the bare minimum, siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. ;;; I will give you more info on them later, if you want!!! :’D
Here’s my tag for Monsta X.
Here’s a great blog dedicated to them.
They have yet to get their first win, which is a real bummer... they continuously work sososososososo hard, and hopefully that win is coming sooner rather than later!
I know there’s so much more I could write, but I’ll leave it at this for now. I hope this helps in any small way, and if you have any questions, or just want to talk, I am more than willing to answer/talk/etc.!!! ^ ^
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writing on the day of dec. 6 2019
this week has been so fucking wild I had to document it or else my sleep depravation will make me forget it by tomorrow!
sunday - dec. 1
thanksgiving weekend has come to a close and i’m FUCKED, like I have so many fucking projects to complete (mind you, these are all master’s level courses) and I’ve sort of started, but I know the biggest hurdle for all of them has yet to be completed. I have severe anxiety on things not getting done and i will literally stay up if I feel like I am not making enough progress on something...so guess what I stay up till 6 am in order to run this code on Rstudio (sleep count: 3 hours)
monday - dec. 2
I am a teaching assistant for capstone, so I can’t sleep in and go to class to help out my students, keep in mind i’m tired, but I can usually thrive off of 3 hours if its only a day and I take a nap. turns out i had a lot more to do for my project presentation on tuesday than i thought (ah it always becomes that way huh?) and I had no nap because i had to go to office hours for last minute checks, then I had to work on the code....but at 1AM when I was generating the graphs, I reached an error and its hard to explain the logistics but I had to REDO all the coding analysis again and i was on such of a crunch on time yall that I COULDNT EVEN CRY AND HAVE A BREAKDOWN WHAT THE FUCK AND I SLEPT AT FUCKING ASS O CLOCK 6 AM (sleep count: 6 hours)
tuesday - dec. 3
i have a presentation in this advanced bio class (i wont specifically name the class just in case LOL) and I think I did well but my professor asks me (and everyone in the class) to do another coding shit YET HE TELLS ONE STUDENT SHE DID A LOT AND JUST ADD TO DISCUSSION LIKE U FUCKING BITCH WE ALL WORKED HARD *victoria justice voice* HOW DARE HE BULLSHIT US LIKE THAT, HE KNOWS DAMN WELL WE ALL WORK HARD AND NOW WE HAVE EXTRA SHIT AND THIS BITCH GETS NONE IM DONE WITH THIS FAVORITISM I SWEAR TO GOD but several people liked my presentation and said i did a great job so i felt so RELIEVED after the presentation, IT WAS DONE THE CODE WAS DONE and then I had lunch with jake and thai and we had the funniest fucking conversations i love them so much
THEN I HAD A FUCKING PITCH TO MAKE FOR WEDNESDAY AND I HAD A WEDNESDAY MEETING AT 8 AM BUT I SLEPT AT 6 AM AGAIN BTICH LMAO I ended up telling my professor I couldn’t make the meeting and they were fine with it, I’m glad I have an understanding professor who won’t pressure us and is understanding when things come up
I showed up to class at maybe 10:30 AM? (sleep count: 10.5 hours)
wednesday - dec. 4
I’m walking death at this point. I stayed up to finish my pitch, i watched m*mas and that show was bullshit and a waste of time aka svt deserved daesang butttttt whatevers, I go to class and I’m working on other assignments and take a 30 minute nap before my 4:50PM class (which goes until 7:30 mind you). I show up to class and we do our presentations. I’m already in a rough state of mind, and i always compare myself to others so when my professor heavily complimented my peers and didn’t leave room for a nice compliment for me I was so devastated and it probably showed on my face i was on verge of TEARS. I’ve dealt with so much bullshit I couldn’t even face this I was literally just working off of no sleep and my constant self-deprecation made me sensitive but I talked to both jake and thai and they made me see a perspective i would have never seen before. before i left the class i reached out to my professor on what I can improve and she gave me pointers and she is good at reading people’s faces and said “its great bea...its so great!!” and i felt INFINITELY TIMES BETTER! she’s also so so kind to me. My friend a/hmad also said “bea i dont want you to depend on others to say good job, because no matter what, someone will always critique you” and that really hit me hard, for the first time i thought about how i perceive myself and how dependent i am to receive verbal affirmation from other people. I realized i no longer wanted to be tied to that. I want to have confidence from MYSELF because i know my OWN worth, not because i’m happy someone else sees me as worthy....it was a catalyst and now im learning...i feel like i always learn something big in college in terms of my self growth and I am SO happy for that... anyway my team and i worked late into the evening for a cyber project to figure out how to alter a PID controller and I almost broke down but my team and I were working hard and eventually we reached a solution (not what I thought would be the best, but Muthuswamy was on board!!!) and my team said “ok we aren’t getting anywhere lets go home” when it was 11PM and we all agreed. We, and me especially have been dying this week and the rest would do us good, my friends all pleaded for me to sleep early and I promised them i would :(( i love how worried they are, their kindness touches me!!! ALSO JAKE GAVE US RIDES BACK TO OUR PLACES AND FUCKING PUT ON TOKYO DRIFT AND DRIFTED LOLOLOLOLOOLOLOL
slept at 2 AM (sleep count - 18 hours)
thursday - dec. 5
FINALLY I GOT 7 HOURS OF SLEEP! I TRUSTED MY TEAM AND LET US ALL REST TO WORK HARD TOMORROW. I showed up to class where I realized the bullshit where the favorite student got to do nothing and we do everything LOL but i was whatevers about it. afterwards I booked it to the tutoring center to finish up the presentation. Jake clutched and got all the graphs looking PRETTY I LOVED IT! HE IS A TRUE BRO! we went to class a little later but muthuswamy went through presentations and was impressed and jsut wanted to make sure we make robust testing in the report which made me SO HAPPY! he seemed to recognize us and our efforts too!!! IM SO GLAD HE LIKED IT
we then had to work on homework and i swear we had the funniest fucking conversations like a/hmad’s team texts him please in front of each text and so he started texting please in the first part too LMAOOO IM SO DEAD, then like both a/hmad and s/teven worked on the homework cause j/ke and i did the project LOLLLLL and jake and i would fucking LAUGH at everything cause what is this BULLSHIT we’re learning HAHAHAHAHAH
THEN JAKE SANG HALO IN THE HALLWAY WHEN IT WAS ECHOY AND WHEN HE WALKED IN HE GOT STANDING OVATION FROM CURRENT SENIORS LMAOO
we turn in the homework by 8 and thai and i leave by 9:30 to get ihop. we were angry at service but the server who just clocked in was so NICE AHHHHHHH, we had our regular sleepover and i practiced for pitch FOR THIS STARTUP COMPETITION slept at 3am (sleep count: 25 hours)
friday (today) - dec. 6
SO NO ONE REPLIED WHAT TIME I HAD TO HELP OUT AS FACILITATOR SO I JUST SHOWED UP AT 12PM AT THE PRESENTING AREA. I enjoyed talking to my students and got some action shots taken of me hehe. then i went to the presentation and KILLED IT AND MY TEAM WON 10K OMG, i will elaborate later, still processing churro n taco LOL
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