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#like idk if thats the right word but i felt like i couldnt do anything to defend myself
howelljenkins · 3 months
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hi this is so random but i need to wax poetic. you have no obligation to reply to this. also i do not mean this in a parasocial way at ALL lmao i recognize that idk you trust. i first found ur blog in 2020 as a eighth grader in lockdown that was completely lost. i had lost my uncle to covid during that time and went from being a stellar student to receding into my shell and watching my grades tank. my shit home situation and undiagnosed depression led to me sinking into any form of escapism possible, mainly thru the form of books. i was super obsessed with perry johnson LMAO at the time and had all the time in the world to look into the fandom. this was around the time the unnamed author was just, like, violently and belligerently racist and scathing to any fans that questioned otherwise. being a tumblrina, i went to this site to see people comment on this, only to find you and ur mutuals were the only people openly discussing how he was just plain vile. i remember how sickened i felt seeing how you and other people of color were getting doxxed and threatened for pointing out what i thought was incredibly obvious. as a rlly sheltered person of color, this was the first time it struck me that the world was lying about how much they were actually willing to stick up for us, as before that i was just stupidly optimistic. anyways bc of that i started checking ur blog like EVERYDAY because of how much your words resonated with me. i was in complete awe of just how witty you were, and how you took no shit from people. granted this was a defense mechanism from crazy ass white fandom bitches but it was still weirdly inspiring. i still remember seeing u pull out the yale trap card so often and being like, oh shit this girl is something else lol thats hysterical. for the rest of high school i would keep up to date with u and specifically ur writing and poetry on promethes. kal i need you to realize your words actually rearranged my brain. the poems about your great grandfather, your mother, your pos friend, of being a horror, to love and to be loved is rest, everything EVERYTHING is etched into my memory. i really feel like i stumbled onto the modern fucking plato or something. anyways my critical thinking skills and love of poetry both are strongly influenced by you. i used to be the kind of person that hated everything and couldnt bear the thought of tolerating this world for another second. but your unyielding positivity and optimism, and insistence that kindness being the more difficult choice is inherently more radical really changed me. ik u didnt invent that or yadda yadda but u really made it seem real. im still learning to take each day slower, to breathe in a little deeper, but the beauty of so many things i previously dismissed is so obvious to me now. that post you made about you and ur mutuals educating a whole generation is so true lol. so just thank you. honestly thank u thank u thank you from the bottom of my heart. im a senior now who just submitted my yale application tonight and thought of you and im a little drunk right now so i think thats why i wrote this whole ass essay but just. like idk. u changed me and idek know you. i made my friend who got into princeton a trap card bc urs was so inspiring lol. anyways i truly hope you have a peaceful happy life and a good night. your soul is really such a beautiful thing and you deserve the world pls never settle for anything less
idc if it’s parasocial i love u and want the best for u and know u will go far and i almost doxxed myself by telling u the city i live in so u could look me up if you’re ever here lol. ik im a stranger or whatever but im proud of u idc ur like my adopted little sibling now. also @taumoeba yale card inspiring generations
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cinnawinnamon · 3 months
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Crush
Journal Entry #1
I couldn’t sleep other than the moment of shut eye i got while reading.. but thats nothing new, except..i started thinking about this girl, idk why she pops into my head from time to time, so i got to thinking about it. About why i kept thinking of her, why couldn’t i let her go like all the crushes i’d had before and after her? ..and i realized..a whole lot of things actually. It was in the way she looked at me, like she was interested in me, like she wanted to see what i’d do next. And whenever i caught her eye it made me smile, not that she was looking at me. But that she was seeing the things in me that nobody else was. How she always was looking when nobody else was. I’ll give you an example, me, our friends and her were all playing uno one time..when your in a group of people there are these little pockets, small moments where everyone elses attention is preoccupied with each other or something else that just happened or the tv or whatever. In these little moments you can say whatever you want, ANYTHING and no one will hear you, you can get away with some small things in these moments and i knew that. I’d experienced these moments my whole entire life..so i switched the uno pile around to the color that favored the hand i had. There i was flipping through the pile looking for the best card for me to put on top of the pile..but something was different, this little pocket of my own, someone had found it. i was being watched. I cant remember if she gasped or almost said “hey” or maybe even chuckled idk but i looked at her and she was looking at me with a smile on her face. I couldnt help but smile back. It was just me in her in this little moment, i changed the cards around to my liking..she never said a word about it to me or anyone. but that whole game i was smiling and so was she, and only we knew why.. even thinking about it now puts a smile on my long face.
There was this other time she came up to me and said “i know ___ will love this” and she showed me a video that just that day had me cracking up and laughing my ass off. But when she showed it to me, i had already seen it and i got all my giggles about it out. She seemed surprised that i didnt laugh as much as she thought i would. I wish i had told her how much it made me laugh before. That id already seen it. That she was right, that she knew me so well..i didnt of course i had my fake laugh i said thats great and walked away.
Il tell you two more stories these are a bit different..were in the laundry room of my best friends apartment complex. My main friend group is all there. My two best friends..and her. Oh god i really hope im not romanticizing all this just because im lonely. Why cant anything just be? Why must there always be the possibility that something isn’t real??..
Ok ok back to the story: Were all talking as we always did, the conversations were always amazing with these people..i dont regret a single monent i spent with them, but with her they were..especially interesting..i cant remember what the hell we were talking about at the time but..either her or i said something that the other two didnt get. But we got it, i remember the feeling. I was getting more and more excited the more i felt she understood, i got off the laundry machine. I thought nothing of it..i was so happy that someone could relate to what i was saying! Suddenly i was inches from her.. she was still seated at the laundry machine that just a moment ago was on the other side of the room. But suddenly, i was right infront of her..she was right infront of me. Silence. The other two looked on, i had almost forgot. She was dating my best friend. I think at that moment everyone knew that i had forgotten. The silence rang through me. I smiled my disappointed smile and went back to my laundry machine and sat down, from than on i tried my best not to look at her.
What would have happened if there was nothing that would have stopped me?..i think i would have just kept getting closer..
And now for the final memory. Me and my two best friends had this little clothing brand and we made all sorts of clothes. Shirts, hoodies, shorts..and one time we made these ski masks, they were a completely out there design, there was a zipper on the mouth piece , and some other stuff referencing traditional mafia/gang symbolism.. i didnt much care for it my self but i also didnt design it so i didnt care about it at all really..to be honest with you i thought it looked a bit ridiculous, i mean it was innovative but i could do without the gang references. Anyway shes dating one of my best friends at the time (i know i know, only the shittiest of friends start crushing on their best friends girl..but maybe thats what made it so great? We knew we were never gonna get together so we could love each other from afar, its the safest kind of love you can fall into. And its just as distant too..) so she hangs around us and our clothe making alot and we were just wrapping up, about to walk outside in the cold winter evening. I put my jacket on as i walk out the door and i turn back around to say something..and i see her right behind me with the ski mask on..haha i never imagined someone could look so cute in the stupid thing. I swooned like ive never swooned before haha ! I drooped my head on to the door enraptured by her very essence..i couldnt take my eyes off her..i felt my eyes water up. Just than she took the mask off and with the most innocent beautiful eyes she looked at me. She saw my love for her in that moment..one of those moments again, surrounded by people but it was just me and her. She looked at me like she was sorry, sorry that i had fallen in love with her.. it almost broke my heart than and there because i saw it all in her eyes..i snapped out of it quick : realizing how bare i’d been wearing my emotions i reverted to my distant self, the part that was easy to play, the one who could take over and and shoot the shit and never have to feel a thing. all while i sat in the passenger seat..just…screaming for me to do something other than the stupid things i’d do.
…Every now and again i long for her. But im afraid that it wont be the same. for you see, i am a coward with my emotions, i bury them, i drown them, i numb them, i run from them. But i never face them, and im afraid with no barrier between me and her..that she wont feel the same way..and what if it was all in my head? What if she looked at me that way because she was so sorry for me for having fallen in love with her because she knew she could never reciprocate? Not for me. I am unlovableUNLOVable
Oh god
Stupidstupid howcouldanyoneverloveyou? DumbstupidcowardwrongjerkassholestupididiotidiotIDIOTIDIOTIDIOT
She would have been-
She would have been..
Just stop. Just say hi..ask her how shes been, maybe she’ll be happy to hear from you…and if shes not than at least you know that this love does exist..you’ll find it, just dont give up on it. And above all, be brave
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creativebrainrot · 3 months
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i wonder what its like to genuinely feel special to someone. genuinely what is that like. to really feel, and know, on that deep level inside that youre someones favorite person. i have never felt that. im fighting off feeling like a. like an npc, constantly. even when i do technically feel good, i still dont feel like i matter. ive never felt like i was wanted. i feel like on a fundamental level my wiring that wouldve let me truly feel loved and wanted got ripped out by my abuser when i was a child. it sounds, dumb? like, "that couldnt possibly be enough reason" whenever i point out what i think caused this in me. but. he would come home from work and tell stories of amazing and interesting people who had my EXACT interests and hobbies. but he ignored me. i wasnt one of the one he valued and talked about. i was Too Loud whenever i sang. I was Annoying. i hurt his head. he never gave a shit about my art. never gave a shit about my hobbies. but there were all these amazing interesting beautiful characters he'd meet Out There. they were cool. they were the fun ones.
and now i feel replaceable.
now still as an adult i feel like im not anything. im replaceable. theres a better person out there somewhere who you should be friends with. im not unique. and any way that i might be theres someone out there without all my issues. you can do better than me. why are you still here.
its weird, its painful, its fuckin annoying. yeah brain i know everyone will get bored of us eventually. i know. but theyre interested right now so shut up and let us have this okay? just a crumb of niceness. of happiness.
you dont have to ruin good things now because they might wilt in the future. thats no way to live.
and idk i just kinda of wish i knew what it was like to be someones favorite. the person someone's always happy to see. someones comfort person. the person youd go to a party to see and be sad if they couldnt make it. idk. that kind of stuff.
but i just exist. thats how I feel anyway its probably not acurrate all of my issues give me warped perception. its not even the kind i could get rid of atm cause like. there is no switch to flick to feel like im lovable. I dont know how to start feeling worthy or wanted. i trust other's words when they tell me they care but i cant feel it. whenever i try to let myself feel like anyone cares i panic and feel like thats when my abuse will start again.
so i just dont even try to tear down the wall.
it hurts too much and its too scary and i just. cant. not right now.
i dont have it in me to start really feeling again, not yet.
anyway fuck my father and all abusive parental figures and abuser at large.
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lozzzzaaaaaa · 1 year
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*S2 Spoilers*
Comforting to find that other people didnt think this season delivered because i finished it yesterday and was in tears at how bad it was?? I read the books after s1 came out and whilst i had my own gripes with those, overall i enjoyed, soc & ck especially. To my memory, s1 and book 1 were basically the same, with a few changes and i thought they did a good job of adapting it. But s2 was a mess. Dont get me wrong, on a baseline it was great- visually stunning, every single actor ate, Freddy Carter outshone imo it was his moment. Watching it as a fantasy tv show i had a great time, as a book fan i did not. The first half i enjoyed more, although at the back of my mind was “thats not how it happens” “thats not right” but these thoughts were hard to ignore esp in the last 2 eps. A lot of decisions were made that i think they’re going to have difficulty explaining later on- genya and david (absolutely devastated about him), Inej’s freedom before soc, and a lot of v poignant scenes in the books wont make sense anymore e.g. the dock fight in soc when kaz carries inej and other scenes have lost their significance.
One of my fave scenes in R&R is when the DL shows Alina the burning orphanage with Ana Kuya and Botkin really put everything into perspective about how bad his character is and the lengths that he’ll go to, delivering one of the best lines. But nothing in the show. That being said i am still a basic bitch who simply wants the content in her eyes so Wesper yes Kanej yes G&D amazing Tolya and Tamar can do no wrong so i was still freaking out but it felt sour afterwards. Nikolai/Sturmhond i liked, i was initially unsure about Paddy but he pulls it off well. Shame they couldnt have made him look different for the two characters but oh well.
The final battle in the fold was not at all like in R&R, my fave out of the 3, and reading it i was sobbing but with this i didnt really feel anything except annoyed. There’s so many things i can point out that have annoyed me but this would be a 1000 words long.
Ultimately i understand why they have done this- no ones safety is guaranteed at netflix and i have been burned by their cancellations before. But in the same way that some dont want a SOC 3 book so all characters are technically safe- i think i wouldve rather had a 2 season show done right rather than whatever they’re going to pull to fix it, pending renewal. Speaking of which- idk what Calahan has done to wrong the writers but he mustve had 10 mins of screentime this whole season they did him so dirty. Ok im sorry you had to read all that but i was going to combust. Let me know ur thoughts tho
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hinasho · 2 years
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ive been thinking abt Margrethe.
for starters, her relationship with Ubbe was never one i was really rooting for, but the more i think abt it the more it? grosses me out??
the beginnings of Ubbe x Margrethe
to my understanding, Ubbe didn’t actually like Margrethe. i dont think he ever even saw her as a person. the relationship Margrethe had with the boys in the beginning of 4b was basically to use her as a personified fl*sh light. Ubbe would play the “nice guy” card by scolding the brothers for treating her like an object, but then he himself never bothered to remember her name.
when Ubbe marries Margrethe, it was not bc he had feelings for her. i believe it was solely as a power play against Lagertha to show that her queenship means fuck all to him. like, he deliberately proposes to Margrethe when Lags is right there, his next scene is him telling Lagertha off when she confronts him about it, and then afterwards, their "marriage” just goes back to sharing her like a toy with Hvitserk rather than any attempt at actually getting to know her.
the more i think about Margrethe i just feel awful. when Hvitserk leaves the picture and passing her around like a doll isn’t a fun game anymore, it becomes clear extremely fast that Ubbe has no genuine interest in her. in ALL of their scenes post-the Great Army, he looks bored and like he’d rather be anywhere else.
Margrethe as a person
Margrethe is a very tragic character because at the end of the day, i think all she wanted was freedom and security. the literal only reason Ubbe freed her was because he wanted to stick it to Lagertha, and with his growing disinterest afterwards, it makes sense that she felt the only way she could guarantee any real safety would be by becoming queen. Lagertha did it, so why couldnt she? i mean at this point, what else could Margrethe do but gun for the one position that promised freedom? after being freed by Ivar, Freydis was lucky enough to be able to establish a home in the woods, but thats not the easiest thing to do (or maybe it is idk). without Ubbe backing her, where could Margrethe go? and who’s to say, without him, she wouldn’t just be enslaved again? Ubbe was the only real anchor she had to ensure she remained a free woman. or at least, i can see her past leading her to think so.
now, we dont know a lot about Margrethe but i believe its implied that she was a Völva similar to Aslaug. the only distinction is Aslaug was able to tell the difference between her visions and reality, whereas i think Margrethe struggled with this. and by being a slave, i doubt she was given much help to learn.
combining her struggle to distinguish reality with her rapidly declining relationship with Ubbe, i dont think her increasing anxiety over the course of the show is unreasonable.
all this isnt to say that Margrethe is a good person (being a good person isnt necessary to be deserving of sympathy). she did psychologically torment Torvi’s kids which was a horrible thing to do. why she did it? idk. it mightve been to exert power over the only people she thought she could. it mightve been bc she wanted others to be as much of a wreck as she was. anything’s possible.
the start of Ubbe + Torvi
when Ubbe begins expressing interest in Torvi is where things begin to really fall apart. i cant remember the exact words used, but i do know that Ubbe expressed great disdain for Margrethe when he was talking to Torvi right before their kiss. this is just speculation, but i wouldnt be surprised if he kept downtalking her while he and Torvi were away.
i think theres actually a few signs that point to this as Torvi grows to question if Margrethe will kill her children! i cant think of any reason why Torvi would even develop this concern unless Ubbe kept talking about Margrethe in a bad light to her. she knew Margrethe was ambitious bc of how openly she talked about usurping Lagertha, but murdering children?? if Torvi felt safe enough to leave them with Margs in the first place, then smthg had to have changed after she left.
and while they’re gone, its clear that Margrethe’s grasp on reality is spiraling alongside her rising anxiety. she has a rough time now that shes completely on her own. but regardless (and even tho she does mentally bully them) she doesnt actually harm Torvi’s children. when the group comes back to Kattegat, Hali and Asa are physically fine. a little shaken, but fine.
now its very unclear what events transpire after this. Hali and Asa probably told Torvi what Margrethe said to them, but i dont think her words warrant enough of a crime to throw shackles on her and lock her up with the pigs!!!!!!!
this is not only Margrethe’s worst nightmare, but probably the worst nightmare of any freed person on the show. this is also incredibly ironic on Ubbe’s part as, in 4x11 when the brothers are discussing letting Ivar “have a go with her”, Ubbe specifically says:
“She’s not cattle. She’s a human being.”
oh the terrible full circle irony of him being the one to then chain her in the pigpen!!
unsurprisingly, things get worse from here. while Margrethe is tied up - and she looks really fucked up btw. i wouldnt be surprised if they used brute force to put those shackles on - Ubbe and Torvi continue to not acknowledge Margrethe as a person. she literally pleads with Ubbe that she is not an animal and there’s no need to tie her up, but Ubbe turns her down flat.
(also i didnt catch it on my first watch and had to have it pointed out to me, but after the group leaves, they leave her behind, still in chains, but have the audacity to take the fucking pigs instead!)
after being found by Ivar and Hvitserk
i do not know if the group knew Rollo would tell Ivar where they could be found, so idk if they left her there not caring whether she lived or died, or if they left her knowing Ivar would find her. i have no clue. but regardless, Margrethe fortunately (or unfortunately) gets found by Ivar’s people.
after being brought back to Kattegat, Ivar writes her off as being “simply possessed by an evil spirit” meanwhile Hvitserk takes her to live at his cabin in the woods. in this very short arc, Margrethe is still at one of her lowest points. she was shown to be terrified of Ivar before he became king, so i cant imagine now that he is king, she feels any safer. her anxiety has to be through the roof, i mean srsly things could not have turned out worse for her.
i cant speak too much on her relationship with Hvitserk during this time bc its kinda left in the air, but with Ubbe gone, Margrethe clearly clutches at any source of comfort she can find. so she begs Hvitserk to kill Ivar and become king so that she can be queen (and like i said earlier, “being queen” is less about wanting the actual title and more about her wanting the security that comes with it). i cant fully interpret how Hvitserk takes this conversation, but he then puts Margrethe to bed where she utters the most heartbreaking line in her arc:
“What’s wrong with me?”
theres just so many layers to that one line of dialogue. her frail grasp on her (i believe) Völva capabilities, her uncontrollable and clearly overwhelming anxiety, the inhumane treatment from a person that was supposed to be her husband, its just so much!!! Margrethe has a lot happen to her in very little time and its really sad!
then in the middle of the night, shes brutally killed by 3 strangers. she doesnt even know if they’re REAL because she asks “why they wont just go away” as if she thinks them to be hallucinations at first. then they murder her as she begs for her life and thats it. was the hit ordered bc she knew Ivar was too wound up to have kids? was it bc of the dude’s flimsy little nightmare? both? who knows! regardless, she dies bc of it. and thats the end. thats the finale of the story of Margrethe.
conclusion
its just... awful. there’s really not much to say. Margrethe lived as a slave, then as an unwanted and eventually loathed free woman, and then she was mercilessly killed. 
bc of the narrative framing, Margrethe is clearly not supposed to be liked by the viewers, but that doesnt take away from how much she didnt deserve anything that was done to her. and i do believe shes one of the most tragic characters on the show.
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laylaleela · 2 years
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I wish i had a lovely family,and sweet mother who cares about her daughter not only her two sons and a brother who protect his littlesister.
My mother has that hatred towards me and idk why , im very obedient child and its part of my religion so i need to obey my parents and be good them no matter what, but i do also know that even the parents should be kind and good to their children and my mother keep preferring my two other brothers ovet me , defend them even if they wrong and be sexist and i cant say anything back why? Because they r my brother,ill need them one day and since im a girl they have the right to be rude to me, hit me , even they r wrong and i always forgive them no matter what they do thats she always says to me.
And let me tell you my older brother is my nightmare,
When i was in middle school, iwas nice , kind,extroverted, thoughtful girl i care about my family, about people in general, although i almost got raped when i was 8 years and so many times old men SA me when i was young but like it didnt affect me like that one year , 2018
When my older brother became my nightmare.
I remember one day my older brother and i had a fight then suddenly he started to hitting me, punching me so hard that i couldnt feel my arms nor my face and i kept screaming for help but my parents weren't at home so there was nobody to help me or to save me from him and when he stopped and i stood up i tried to hit him back with a lil table and in instant of time my conscience said to me " u cant hit him he's your brother" so i put the table down and kept crying until my parents came back and when i told them my father talked with my brother and my mom didnt say a word like she didnt care
And then after months
When i go to shower and finish i always notice that the door is slightly open and one time i remember i had the shampoo over my head and on my eyes too i heard the door's sound but i kept saying it was just in my head
Until that one day
I got out from the shower and start to put my clothes on and while i was putting my shirt i had my head up and look up and see my brother's phone above my door ( my door has thin glass)
I immediately adjusted my shirt and opened the door and i found my older brother with a chair in his hand so he really was in the chair and was filming when i was naked...
I felt like someone raped me , a member of the family raped me...
Iwas just a 14 years old
I was in my own house
His my brother
My own brother was filming while i was naked
And the worst in all of this , when i said everything to my mom , she saw how iwas in shock and i pain like i was literally traumatized by that, she told me dont worry im gonna talk to him... after he came to apologize many time and everytime i tell him to get the fuch away from me... after 15 days my mom came to me and told me go talk to you brother and forgive and when i said no she said "who tf do you think you are ? If god can forgive anybody, who tf r you to not forgive ur own brother? And i couldn't speak or reply to her cuz she was about to hit me in my face...
And so many things my older brother has done to me but the most traumatized thing is this
Like now i cant trust my family, like really i dont trust people, im scared of men, i cant stay in one room with a man , i hate physical touch, i became so cold with everybody, im very distant, idont talk with people that much even with my family now.
Its true that im cold with my family because of what happened but i still care about them, i listen to them, im very obedient child but im just cold and it hurts me cuz everytime my parents ask me why im so cold why im not sweet like before and i changed...
my mom who herself traumatized me asking me this and then she will that ill end up alone, ill day alone , nobody gonna loves with that heart its a shame to have a daughter like me and two brothes they r better than me and they r always sweet to her knowing they only bring her problems and they do shit in the house and the only one who study who help her with house, when they r sick, when they need something im always here even to my older brother and her knowing about every single thing...and everytime i bring up what happend i start shaking and crying she goes "ooh shut up u just exaggerating so just stop"
im really traumatized but my mom doesn't want to understand or wont , she doesn't cafe what i think or about what i fee or care, she only care about her two sons.
Iwish u go to a therapist but i cant in my country if someone goes to a therapist so hes a crazy, and
I wish i could say everything to my dad but icant because if i tell him my mom will kick me out from the house and i have no where to go, so i just stfu and keeping it all to myself , and accept everything and tbh idk if i can forget everything and forgive them.
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getris · 4 months
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I've heard some people use tumblr as a way of venting or letting things out, i guess those are the same thing and i figured ill give this a try.
This will mostly be me venting to myself about things to do with my life starting with my grandad, and id like to stay anonymous so i wont mention his name.
But on may 28th 2023 i lost my grandad, so about 6 months ago now, ive delt with mental health issues for the majority of my life, idk if thats due to a cocktail of family issues, medication my mother was taking when she was pregnant with me or if theres just something not quite right in my head.
Ive delt with major trust issues, self confidence and self image issues, physical and emotional abuse from both parents and emotional abuse and manipulation from an ex partner but never in my life has anything come quite as close to the level of mind twisting torment that grief has provided; i loved my grandad dearly, out of every member of my dysfunctional family he has consistently been the only safe space, i have never once seen him get angry, swear or even raise his voice unless he was letting out one of his typical hearty chuckles and i think i can safely say that no matter what anyone said he couldnt get angry or judge.
That doesnt mean he is incapable of being firm, he was a fair man and if you did something truly stupid or disappointing he would give you this specific look, one that is still filled with love and compassion but sadness and disappointment and he might throw in a softly spoken "dont do that" (but a little rugged from years of cigars and whiskey during his time in the army), even then his tone was reassuring and it never made you feel challenged but it always got through, i could be screaming at my mother, bright red faced and body full of adrenaline but the moment i caught that look and heard that tone it would all wash away and id feel nothing but regret for what ever was said or done, thats when you know someone is a good person, when they dont need to shout at you, push you or say harsh things, and a simple few calm words immediately diffuse the entire situation.
So naturally me and everyone else in my family were close to him, i have so many fond memories of him, like the time he had this golf cart (he loved golf) and my brother turned it on by accident and sent the thing shooting off down the street as my grandad desperately sprinted after it, or the times he would adamantly try to fix or build things on his own since hes an ex army mechanic and knew better, only to sheepishly realise hes made a mistake and go back to the instructions, he took me to a fishing tournament once and i honestly didnt care at all about the tournament but it was a lovely chance to spend one on one time with him as adults, he even bought me a cider and a beer for himself and that was the first and only chance i got to drink with him, that tournament was even broadcast on TV once so id love to go back and try to find it to see if i can spot me and my grandad in the crowd somewhere.
Theres so much more to the relationship between me and my grandad and im sure ill remember some of it and come back to write more another time, but you can imagine why it felt like my world was shook, i was at a friends house when i first got a call from my brother, he said something along the lines of my grandad had fell over and they took him to hospital, found out that it was potentially cancer but there was no certainty, i cried immediately after that call because to me my grandad was this big, unshakeable ex military man and ive seen him hurt a million times and be unbothered, so to hear that he had collapsed immediately sent waves through my body and i knew something wasnt right.
i spent another few days at my friends house and went home, at that time i was grossly behind with university work (due to mental health issues), and i had finals coming up so i had to force myself back into work, nothing but university and train times and study sessions on my mind because i had to pass, i had to... so i went to my friends house, we study better together and have similar mindsets, so it works out really well when we study and bounce ideas back and forth between each other to get the assignments done, i remember finishing a particularly gruelling study session with her one night when my brother messaged me saying he needs to tell me something but its better if i hear it in person, but i intended to stay at my friends until these assignments and exams were over so i pushed him to message me the update and thats where the regrets started.
My brother told me that my grandad was very sick, it was confirmed to be cancer and the moment i read that i felt physically sick, but my brother reassured me that my grandad was told he had a few years to live, so immediately i wasnt too hurt and i was hell bent that as soon as these exams are over im going to go visit him and once hes out of hospital ill make memories with him, drink with him if possible, anything he wanted.
But thats not how it went, i kept studying and handing in assignments and all i had left was one more exam and thats it im free for the summer and i can go see grandad, but just a day or so before the exam my brother messaged me again saying my grandads health had declined rapidly, he was told months, and then weeks left, so of course i panicked, but i had to do this exam and it was only one more day so surely everythings going to be fine and i can still go see him in the hospital and have a laugh and chat with him.
Exam day comes and i cant get it out of my mind by this point, my family told me they are visiting him that day and asked if i could come but because of visiting hours and my exam hours, i couldnt go but again i told myself "he has weeks left, i can bare one more day and visit him the moment my family goes again", so i went to university, went into that exam room and the entire time i couldnt focus, my university was in the same town that my grandad was in care, so all that was on my mind for that entire two hours was "hes only 30 minutes away, what if he passes while im in here", but the exam time passed painfully slowly but it passed regardless, after the exam i was insanely exhausted and depressed, i hung around with my friend after the exam for an hour or so and then took the train home, turns out timing is a bitch because the moment i got home my parents asked if i was still at uni because they could pick me up on their way to the hospital but i had just got home, the next train would be an hour from then so theres no way i could have visited.
Two days later i was at my mothers birthday when she informed me that my grandad didnt in fact have weeks, he had days left at most and they were going to see him the next day and theres no way im missing anymore chances, so the day comes that we get to go see him, but again something really did not feel right, we got in the car and only a few minutes after picking up my grandmother my aunt (who was at the hospital) said to come quick because he was choking on his own tongue at that point and they expect him to be gone any minute.
Thats the beginning of the heartbreak, seeing my own grandmother in the car talking out loud "just wait (his name) just wait a bit longer please", she was a lot like him, always innocent, always smiling and there she was begging to herself in the car crying, hoping he can just hold on a bit longer for her to be at his side.
We get to the hospital, i watched my nan walk as fast as she could, in pain to get to that room, the moment i walked in it felt like my entire world had ended in that instant, he was no longer my grandad, seeing him in that state felt like my heart had just been ripped out through my chest; he was pale, hairless, almost no muscle left on his body, his skin was a different colour, you could see his heart beating through his chest because his rib cage had twisted and changed shape, he had his eyes and mouth half open and all you could hear was struggled breaths, occasionally interrupted by a weak cough or the sound of him choking on his own tongue, his spine had broken in multiple areas from coughing, thats how frail his body had become.
It was painful, he was clearly suffering and i went through whirlwinds of anger, sadness, anger, sadness... Sad and heart broken seeing such a strong pillar of my world laying there struggling to even exist, and anger that he was allowed to stay in this state, nurses coming in to inject him or feed him medication that would only serve to keep him in this state for a little bit longer, i felt like he was being tortured in the most inhumane way for hours, he couldnt see or hear or speak by that point, just breathe and exist in pain.
Thats when family started talking, gossiping about his state and things he had done during his stay which further broke my heart, remember earlier when i said he had never sworn, never raised his voice and was effectively this gentle giant? Well i overheard my aunt, mother and grandmother talking about how he had been in such pain that he had started threatening the nurses, swearing at and insulting everyone within eyesight, begging both nurses and family to either kill him or take him somewhere where he could do it on his own terms, just typing that out brings a painful lump to my throat because to change such a gentle, loving man into that state must have meant either he was already suffering immensely, or he knew exactly bad it was going to get, it was shock after shock, emotional whiplash.
I stayed in that room for as long as i could which turned out to be 5 hours and 24 minutes, i couldnt bare a moment longer before i stood next to his bed and said my goodbyes, seeing a person you care so deeply about in such a state of suffering, staying in that room for those 5 hours had physically exhausted me, its not that i was just tired of being in the hospital, but i dont think i could have processed another second of that day without rest, so the second i got to my house i passed out in my bed, two hours later my phone was ringing and it was my brother, grandad was gone.
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moss-sprouted · 6 months
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lamenting about kink and nsfw shit and abuse under the cut
in hindsight doms who literally only cared about themselves and didnt even know what sub drop is probably actually damaged my brain in some way
im not saying physically, cause none of it was physical but someone treating you a certain way over video chat or text or something and playing with your emotions and having them run so high only for them to fall asleep or close the call or continue to treat you awfully with absolutely no aftercare or even saying a nice thing at all to you is probably why i was constantly depressed as hell, always seeking more interactions and gentleness after because i didnt get any
and this isnt even something that happened thats exclusive to my fucking groomer, though yeah after almost 10 years its still something i think about and affects me
but now that im not going into those states of mind all the time and having absolutely nothing to put me back together, im much less in a horrific depression and anxiety and getting into fights ALL the time that i was
i still do a little cause im mentally ill, but its not every day or week
i think thats one of the reasons sex literally triggers me and has me feeling so low and gross after, because my brain is so fucked up from just years and years with no break of ""doms"" just not taking care of me after basically using me to get off and seeing no big deal in calling me names a lot and telling me to choke myself or hit myself whatever
maybe thats why i attached myself to the ones that took care of me better so much that i would get really distressed if they didnt want me or would leave, because i finally was being fucking treated right but i was still dealing with so much emotional turmoil i couldnt treat Them right
its not the only reason or only cause for all my issues but damn i really was going into a super low all the time and would get yelled at for being upset or too clingy
or i wouldnt even really be talked to after by some
people who literally have no idea about any terms or things that actually happen after not vanilla sex in whatever form literally should not be having it
if you cant stay awake for 5 minutes to talk to me gently or tell me i did good or even just be nice to me then you really should not be just willy nilly calling someone a slut and telling them youre going to beat them while you fuck them, because sure you're not doing that irl but words effect people and things like that give you such a rush of endorphins when you take that away and dont give anything to cushion it, it really does feel like you raised someone up really high in the air only to drop them on fucking concrete with no padding and tell them to walk it off, and no it wasnt always THAT bad but idk it builds up after a while and you get used to it
and like, dom drop is also a thing but that doesnt excuse not doing ANYTHING for someone that is literally putting themself in a intimate position and a specific mind state for Your pleasure, sometimes not even theres because for me it sure as hell was almost never for mine
maybe thats why im so into praise and pet play and other things like that because im literally desperate for anyone to tell me i did good because i was constantly being used and then discarded as young as 15
i cant even read a fucking fanfic with some bdsm without feeling horrifically depressed afterwards unless theres aftercare in the damn fic! cause its triggering
who knows, i think about this too much ig
i wish i felt secure and safe enough to have those kinds of relationships again and not be so averse or repulsed by sex, it just feels so damn scary
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blackvail22 · 8 months
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i have to write down what im gonna say to my counselor because i genuinely have to make sure i have all of my thoughts straightened out so i dont blank like i always do
ok
my sister moved out on friday and saturday. it feels easier than last time, but it still doesnt feel right. like, i look at my clock when it's almost 4 and i think "oh, my brother will be home soon" and then it reaches 5 and im like "oh, my sister will be home soon" but they never arrive. its a sad realization every time but... yeah. i hung out with my sister and her friend on friday when my sister started moving. her friends personality is very... big, loud, but she can't help it so i dont mind it. my mood went from reserved -> opening up -> starting to be myself -> shut down. like, i was fine until i jokingly said "you have friends?" to my brother, when i know that he does..., and he said "i have more than you" and then he said that my online friends dont count. which, sure... i dont leave my house to see and hang out with them, but they're still friends; i still hang out with them somehow. idk, it just made me feel like .... idk what the word is.... it was just on the spot, and the way everyone was looking at me.. its like i was scared. not like anxiety-scared, but scared-scared. i dont really know why, though? i mean, actually.... i do have a bf and it kinda felt like they were invalidating that (even though they dont know about it and actually only .... hmm.... a few people know aobut it but i digress) but other than that, i dont really get it? it felt like they thought i was just being overdramatic when i said "they dont really hang out with me though" . ANYWAY yeah, i felt sad after that and like my walls went up too. on saturday i dont remember anything significant happening.. ijust remember i worked that day. i worked sunday too. after work on sunday, i have a lot of time because i had an early shift. i started to clean up all of the clothes i have everywhere. i mean, i guess i did alright, but my room still isnt clean somehow so. oh, also late that night i tried moving my bed into my sisters old room and i couldnt drag it like i could my other mattresses because theres a protector on it, so i got my bed, like, stuck and i slept on the floor of my sisters old room LOL it was kinda nice though. monday my brother got the bed in the room and it was nice. i put my desk in this room too. i dont have many of my things in here. i like how little things r in here. sometimes when i have too much stuff in a space i feel like so.... panicked. idk. i like how empty it feels in here. i might never put the rest of my stuff in here lol. uhh and then tuesday (yesterday) i worked as usual. i was talking with my old coworker though about life n stuff and she mentioned how she was looking for a roommate for when she rents and appartment and i offered to be her roommate so thats something now. i havent told anyone else about it because i feel like my mom and dad would be like pissed off which.... doesnt make a lot of sense to me because im less than 3 weeks away from being 18 and i told her i wouldnt rlly be able to move in until early september because of my surgery but anyway.... it makes me anxious to think aobut anyway because i dont have a license UHHH so ... itll be so hard getting to and from my appts and going to and from work. so thats kinda stresful but yeah that was my week. so much to talk about!!!
i stg me talking abt all of this is going to leave me with 45+ minutes to fill because all of this is like nothing LOLLLl
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xx-neon · 9 months
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july 4th
hi again.
i was planning on writing more. the whole point of this was to get my feelings out everyday to cope but its been awhile.
again, if youre not me reading this. good luck.
so my ex broke up with me right? so much happened that i didnt know about. im tired of talking about it really since its been such a hot topic (my ex and i work together too and share a lot of the same friends) thats the cherry on top lol.
he has a new girlfriend. they started dating the day he left.
ouch.
another ouch? 
im her manager at work
looking at it now. this is all one giant hilarious cluster fuck LOL.
im not going to go into details of the messy stuff since its a dead horse at this point.
do i seem happier?
i actually tried killing myself. 
not because of him though. hes a loser with nothing going for him so that would be a waste. i did it because of all the emotions after what happened. i didnt have enough time to find somewhere to live. i couldnt bring my cat with me if i moved with my parents far away. i felt like the whole world was against me and i didnt do anything to deserve it. and it wasnt going to get better. i talked about being in a hole and trying to climb out in my last post. this hole extended 1000 ft in the ground and there was no sign of light. i had no sign of light in me. i didnt eat for a week. i drank everyday. i couldnt sleep. why me? what did i do wrong? is this my karma for being me?
so i really did it.
obviously it didnt work lol. im still here. i spent 6 days in the hospital. one in the ER and 5 in the BHU. i was diagnosed with an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and psychosis. i got help for my drinking too. whoo 
this sounds cringy. but i feel reborn. i didnt mention in my last post but i have BPD (boarderline personality disorder). ive been diagnosed for about 10 years. most of those spent unmedicated and out of therapy so i was really rawdogging life LOL. if you know anything about BPD its probably the worst thing to deal with. thankfully im self aware so i havent ruined my life but fuck man everyone else ruins it for me. 
im in extensive therapy. im on like what... 4 medications?? and i just feel like life is great. ewwww so cringe LOL. but seriously. it is. i dont think ive ever felt so normal in my life. my anxiety is gone. paranoia is gone. my head feels so light now im not bogged down. idk its just so nice. i smile at work now. i smile when i see my friends that i never knew i had. i just know how great life can be.
but then theres this.
schadenfreude
its a german word for basically feeling happy off of someone elses misery.
thats how i feel towards my ex
i know i know its fucked up. but what he did to me isnt?
i never said i was a good person LOL.
i love i just LOVE hearing about how miserable he looks and how happy i look. i revel in it. i cherish in it. i frolic in a field of flowers in it LOL.
okay. we get it. but seriously. i knew karma would come. thats why i learned to stay silent. yes i did lash out and have a mental breakdown wouldnt we all? but he lost friends over this. people think hes fucked up. that in itself makes me feel better. ya know schadenfreude. i do wish he could be a better person but i dont wish him the best. him feeling like this is good. he’ll learn from it. he’ll learn he cant always get away with being an asshole. karma will continue to come his way and she wont hold back. 
ill try to write more now that im happy. 
xx
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Men want so desperately/are so dead set to pit women against each other that they grasp at straws in order to accuse us of doing it
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nikrangdan · 3 years
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lovestruck!enhypen x reader
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pairing: lovestruck!enhypen x reader
genre: FLUFF fluff Fluff
description: how enhypen would be if they became lovestruck by the reader ☹️☹️ this is such an adorable request!!!! itll vary for each member ur relationships so you’ll either be strangers or already dating etc.
a/n: idk if all of them are lovestruck exactly bc i just got carried away with the fluff for some of them and idky maknae line revolves around sleeping BUT IDC sleepy!enhypen is the best 😁
———————
HEESEUNG
u worked at a pretty popular clothing store
and well well well heeseung had shown up dressed very much your style so u were like
Wow who is this guy....
he was alone just looking around
and there were like 10 other people in the store but u wanted to talk to him so bad so u went up like
“hi, welcome! are u finding everything okay?”
he was looking through a rack of shirts and turned around when he heard u but WOW
when this man turned around he looked even better in person u couldnt believe it 😫
BUT IT SEEMS HE FELT THE SAME BC U SWEAR HE BECAME SO FLUSTERED WHEN HE TURNED AROUND
his eyes got so wide u almost laughed it was so cute ☹️
he stuttered and was like “oh um im okay”
Aw man
but u said “okay then! let me know if you need any help finding anything or if u wanna use a dressing room!” and u sent him ur nicest smile u could give
his eyes were still kinda wide open and u gave him one last look before turning around😢😢
BUT THEN HE SAID SOMETHING
“w-wait! actually.. um....uh.. do u.. do u guys have sweatpants..?”
u giggled to urself on the inside bc u knew he just made that up on the spot
“we do! here, follow me”
while u were showing him the clothes u guys had exchanged names and had some small talk
and that was the start of something very Beautiful
and since then he has been coming almost everyday to visit u at work 🤗🤗
JAY
jay swore he found new things about u to love every single day
and today wasnt an exception!!!!
u knew jay had been really tired and just worn out from work recently so u had decided to make him his favorite meal for dinner
a nice little surprise for when he got home ❤️
and also the anime he was watching ready on the tv for u two to watch together :(
u had literally been preparing all day and u even decided to go out and buy dessert too
AWESOMEST PERSON EVER U ARE!
it was 8pm already and jay should be getting home now
u set the table all neatly and put on one of his sweaters
AND WOULD U LOOK AT THAT HE GOT HOME AS SOON AS U WERE DONE
Fate 🔥🔥
romantic stuff like this wasnt really ur forte so this was out of the normal for u
but u wanted to do something for jay because he did stuff like this for u alot
the table isnt in view when u walk into the apartment so he wasnt able to see his dinner yet
“hi” you smile brightly and go up to hug him and give him a little kiss
he had his bad slung over one of his shoulders and he was taking his shoes off in the doorway after he closed it
“hey.. it smells pretty good in here” he gave you a tired smile while one of his arms was wrapped around your waist
“really? it smells normal to me” you giggled before walking to the kitchen area together
he stopped and looked at u with LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES when he saw the table
jay: ❤️_❤️
“y/n..”
“surprise!!! you know im not good with words but i wanted to show you that i can cook” you laugh “and that i love you very much and im so proud of you”
jay doesnt say anything but instead drops his bag on the couch and gives u the Biggest Hug Ever
ur face is practically smushed in his chest and his hand is resting lovingly on ur hair :(((
he loves u so much im so sad
JAKE
“layla!!! layla where are you?” jake was yelling quite loudly in the massive park he was in the middle of
yeah jake lost layla.. uh oh
quite a coincidence you found the cutest dog you’d ever laid eyes on
and she seemed to love u very much
the dog had made u topple over and now she was excitedly playing with you while you were sat on the ground laughing to your hearts content
after a minute of playing you had got up because you knew she was somebodys lost dog and her owner was probably looking all over the park for her
“okay.. lets go find your owner before they have a heart attack” you giggle
just as you said that though, you heard a boys voice yell “LAYLA!!!!”
the dog next to you looked in his direction, tail wagging and tongue out, but she didnt move an inch from her spot next to you
it made me you laugh out loud
as you were watching the boy run up to you, you noticed how cute he actually was
Omg..... ur heart started beating a little faster
“hi..” the boy hunched over with his hands on his knees breathing very heavily “you have my dog”
“uh yeah” you laugh “sorry about that, she ran over to me a couple minutes ago and i was just about to go find her owner”
“its okay, thank you..” he trailed off to find out your name and finally looked up to meet your eyes
“y/n” you told him
“y/n” he repeated with a small grin on his face “im jake”
“hi jake” you lightheartedly give him your hand to shake and he chuckles before taking the offer
“and it was nice meeting you layla” you crouch down to meet her level and she licks your face making you fall on your butt
you laugh and jakes quick to help you up
“layla! thats not very nice” he jokingly scolds her and pets her head
after u got up u bid goodbye to the two before jake invited u to continue walking around the park AND HE EVEN BOUGHT U AN ICE CREAM
Is This A Date, Jake? 😫😫❤️❤️❤️❤️😳😛😛
SUNGHOON
“you should be more careful” you scold the boy sitting with you standing between his legs
sunghoon had apparently gotten elbowed in the face by his friend and scratched by his friends cat on accident????
“it wasn’t my fault! he turned around and i just happened to be in the way. and i didnt even do anything to the cat!” he whined
“i didnt say it was your fault. i said to be more careful.” you tried to sound stern
u knew ur logic was making no sense but u just thought it was so fun to mess with him
he let out a sigh and gave up, slouching over again
you were stood between his legs, wiping the blood away and applying ointment
“im just kidding, you’re so cute” one of your free hands comes up to rub his hair
a small grin pops up on his face and his arms come to rest on your waist
he looks up at you while you focus on tending to his wounds
and u guessed it WITH LITERAL HEARTS IN HIS EYES
❤️_❤️
“you know y/n” he begins
you hum in response, letting him know you’re listening
“im gonna marry you one day”
you freeze in your place
it took you a minute to collect yourself because you felt like your heart almost leaped out of your chest
“who says?” you joke
he leans up to give you a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back down
“me.”
SUNOO
you noticed sunoo had been really tired lately and u just wanted to make him feel better :((
the boys were going out and invited you two obviously but you could tell sunoo was iffy about going
“uhh..” you trail off and look over at sunoo who was laying on the couch
“you know what guys? i think me and sunoo are gonna stay home today.. you guys have fun though!” you bid goodbye to the other boys and they all understood and left
you dont even know if sunoo knew they had left already because when you walked over to him his tired eyes were glued on the tv
“hey” you leaned against the couch and looked down at him
“y/n? are we going soon?” his eyes move to the top of his head to look up at you
you start laughing and he literally goes 🤨???
“silly, they already left! so what do you wanna do?” you plop down next to him and he was in the process of sitting up
“what? when did they leave...” his mouth drops open
“like 2 minutes ago” you giggle, leaning back to rest your head
sunoo had sat still, pondering for a moment
“why did they leave us?” he turned to look at you
your eyes met his “well i figured you didnt wanna go... you didnt, right?”
he slowly shakes his head “how did you know?”
you give him a sneaky smile and jokingly push his arm “because i know you so well”
he laughs at this and leans his head on your shoulder
“wow y/n.. im impressed” he grins, snuggling into your arm
your other arm crosses over to pat him on the head, leaning your head to rest on top of his
“but thank you y/n..” his eyes slowly close to rest “im thankful for all the little things you notice about me”
u literally go 🥺
your hand goes down to squeeze his and he falls asleep peacefully on ur shoulder ☹️☹️☹️❤️
JUNGWON
“y/n..what is that” jungwons eyes can barely open as he tries to comprehend whats going on while hes waking up
you haphazardly tap around the bedside table trying to turn off the new alarm you set last night
and that new alarm was jungwon singing 🤗
“its you, dummy” your eyes were still closed but you turned to face jungwon and snuggled closer to him
“wha- where did you even get that???” he was almost fully awake now, staring down at your half asleep figure
you yawned before answering in your i-just-woke-up-and-i-should-probably-drink-some-water voice “remember when you sang me to sleep last week? yeah i was secretly recording you. no biggie” you pat his chest twice and leave your hand there, content with life at the moment Lol
“y/nnnn” he whines “change ittt i dont like it”
“you’re kidding.” you deadpan, shocked he would say such a thing!!! “jungwon you sound like an angel threw up on a field of flowers full of puppies and kittens! okay thats kinda weird maybe not that”
jungwon giggles a little and sits up so he can sit against the headboard while your head rests on his lap
“you like my singing that much?” you can hear the smile in his voice as he asks you
you finally pop one eye open to look up at him, a goofy grin in your face
“i love your singing”
his hands run through your hair and you let out a sigh at the feeling
jungwon doesnt say anything
all he does is admire you
you can feel his eyes on you so you open your eyes again (both this time🙏🏼) and meet his eyes
“i can feel you staring straight into the depths of my soul, jungwon”
he laughs at this, bring his other hand up to pinch your cheek
“i’ll sing for you whenever you want me to y/n”
NI-KI
“shut up sunghoon, hes sleeping” you whisper-scolded the boy
ni-ki was currently asleep on you
literally SPRAWLED all over your body and you were basically mummified
by nishimura riki
his legs were tangled in yours, his head shoved into your neck, and his arms were bent around you in ways you didnt know were humanly possible
“you literally have an alien taking a nap on you y/n” sunghoon deadpans before walking out the room
“when you’re asleep sunghoon i will send you into a spacecraft for the rest of your life so you can go see aliens for yourself”
“wowww im so scared y/n” the boy remarks and shuts the door
you half laugh and half scoff before turning your attention back to the ipad screen sitting on the bed infront of you
well
kind of infront of you because ni-ki’s acrobatic position was basically blocking the view
you were having a decent time watching the show playing, definitely not the most comfortable person on the planet at the moment
until you felt the body on top of you.. rumble?
you knew that feeling
ni-ki was laughing
HOW and WHY the hell was he laughing ?!!?!!?!
“what the hell?” you look down at him and his face is shoved near your shoulder but you caught a glimpse of his big smile
his laughter gets louder and you still dont have answers yet
“why are you laughing???? i thought you were sleeping?????” you try to push him off you but he was persistent in laughing in your shoulder (??)
after a couple minutes of you just letting this happen
ni-ki finally speaks!
“you’re so funny y/n” he finally pulls away from you and wipes his tears
“what are you even talking about... and how long were you awake, you sneaky kid” you poke his chest
he leans down again to hug your waist and start cuddling you again
“10 minutes”
“so you’re telling me i could’ve freed myself from that god awful demon EMBRACE you had me in 10 minutes ago???!!”
ni-ki starts laughing again and looks up at you
“thank you for threatening to send sunghoon to aliens for me y/n” he grins
you laugh, finally understanding what the boy had been going on about
“sunghoon deserved it”
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Tour without You
Summary: fans saw the video of cal singing ghost of you and people think you two broke up.
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a/n: SO YALL KNOW WHICH VIDEO I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT? Idk if he was actually crying, but a part of me tells me he was, but idk who knows, but i hope he was okay and is doing okay now.
You were currently home watching duke at yours and cal’s place. You couldn't go on tour with cal because of work, so being alone was a norm you had grown into. Whenever you didn't go on tour you and cal would spend time calling one another whenever a show was over, so he could see you and if you needed to comfort him for anything. He hated when he had to leave you alone, but you would reassure him you had someone that was a part of him. Duke would usually stay with the dog sitter, but when you stayed back home you watched duke. You two would have some quality time together as usual so the small pup can use his energy throughout the day.
For Cal though today, just wasn't his day. Their bus tour had taken a re-route, they got to the venue late, he couldn't focus during rehearsal since it was cut short, from them arriving late. Usually when stress came he was able to handle it well, but you usually were there to comfort him right there and then, which also added to his stress as well, not being able to be with you in moments like these. Fans in the audience and online had seen his expression and worried for him, especially when singing Ghost of you. He hated that his stress would reflect how he acts during shows, but today was really bad for him. Cal doesn't really notice when fans are recording, but a video had gone viral during the concert within minutes and fans skepulating about you and cal. You had no idea of this hence you not being near your phone all day and having a nice day out with duke. Your phone had been blasting all night and once you got home with duke you checked it once seeing all the notifications on all of your socials.You were slightly confused as to why there were so many so you checked it out.
@5SOSUPDATES: is it possible cal and y/n broke up? Could be because they haven been posting with one another. Also today’s performance he seemed sad, especially during Ghost of you.
“What the hell?” you said as the puppy barked at you as you continued to look for something that gave you some sort of idea that was going on. Then MTV also made a topic off of it.
SPECULATING BREAK UP RUMOURS: POPSTAR CALUM HOOD AND GIRLFRIEND Y/N L/N POSSIBLY BROKE UP BEFORE A SHOW DURING TOUR
You were quick to find the resources they were using to claim these speculations and there was a video of cal singing ghost of you, at first it was all good, he was singing good, you saw no sad emotions, but when it got to him harmonizing, with the ghost of you, that's when his expression changed. At first you thought that it was just the way he was singing. But you looked over and yeah you were convinced he was crying.
You tried to first go over anything you might have said to make him upset, but there was nothing, you texted when you could and he seemed fine the night before, so you didn't know what was wrong. Unless he lied to you, which he would do when he was away from you. He didn't want to bother you, but you always told him to talk to you when he was feeling down and not himself. You were always going to be there to talk to him always. Just then you got a call from mali, you were quick to answer as she probably has seen these as well.
“Mali, hey.” you said as she spoke, “hey super weried, but have you been on your socials and possibly MTV?” she asked as you sighed, “yes i have.” you said as she contuned, “okay, is it ture?? Did you two break up? Omg did cal do something because i swear-” she said as you giggled and cut her off, “no we didn't, well at least i think so, but uh, no i called him before this show and he seemed fine, but you know how he is, he doesn't tell the full truth until you get it out of him.” you said as she hummed, “thats true, well are you talking to him tonight?” she asked as you hummed back, “yeah i should be getting a call in about an hour, i dont think he has checked his phone yet, so i'll call you first thing alright?” you said as she hummed and you two said your goodbyes. As your phone was still blowing up, more and more rumours were being made, but you didn't expect to be getting attacked.
5SOSWILDFLOWER: Yall, there are some photos of y/n with another guy before cal had gone to tour, guess cal has a reason.
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Caly/n_stan: i don't think she would cheat though, they've been together for years.
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Lukehemmingsstan: i mean yeah but people change especially when dating a celeb, and it wouldn't be the first time a 5sos member would be cheated on.
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@mikeycliff5sos: i mean you can tell she was just in it for the money and the fame, she never spoke about her job.
You were at first confused as to what pictures you were talking about, but then you clearly remember you were with the dog sitter, who happens to be a guy. He was one of Cal's best friends and he always took care of duke when you were away. You were there before cal had gone to tour, to tell him personally that you were staying with duke, since you knew him and it would be nice to catch up on duke’s behavior. Of course the fans didn't know that, but that didn't mean they should attack you. You were kinda stressed about this situation, especially with the things being said, fans even started to question your real intentions with cal and wondered if you were just after cal for his money and fame questioning your line of work as well, which wasnt public because you line of work was importnatn, you were a visual editor at entertainment company and well you kept it private and you didn't want any problems.
On cal’s side of things, he hadnt checked his phone at all wanting to handle one side of stress at a time. After teh show he realxed before calling you, making sure he looked good and fine. But once he lifted his phone he had seen so many notifications, at first he thought it was about the show from tonight but when he clicked he saw everything that was being said about you and him that you two had broken up and the means things being said about you. He was quick to call you as you answered quickly hoping he was okay.
“Hey” you both said quite rapidly, “sorry you go first.” cal said as you sighed and spoke, “are you okay? But i want to know the full truth cal, you know you can talk to me.” you said as he rubebd his head and wished he had spoken to you before anything, he knew if he talked to you hten these rumours wouldnt be made. “Fuck love, im sorry, we had to reroute the show for tonight we got there late, and rehearsal was rushed and, today i didn't do my best to hide my stressed emotions, i tried, but i couldnt, all i wnated to do was talk to you before the show, but i wasnt able to,” he said as his voice was cracking and you felt bad for him, you knew he handled stress well, but you knew today was one of those days, “bub its okay, just talk to me about this kind of stress to help you when you can, no matter what time it may be. I know im not htere, but remeber im a phone call away, always. No matter waht okay, you call me when youre feeling like this.” you said as he smiled a little missing you so much more than he should be able to.
“Youre too good for me you know that? Im sorry for waht the fans are saying, i'll straighten it out babe, they shouldnt be saying this stuff about you,” he said as you giggled, “its fine, it hurt at first, but i mean this all happend beucase i was out with dukes dogsitter,” you said as he laughed a little, “gosh the fans are really out of hand, i love you so much, youre there for me more than many times i could even count, you know youre it for me,” he said as you blushed hearing his words, he would tell you this all the time. It was true, you were it for him and he was it for you. “And youre it for me too, and i'll happily be there for you, always you know that.” you said as he smiled and jsut couldnt wait to get home to you. After talking for about 2 hours, you said your goodbyes and you had gone with the rest of your day as cal had straighten out with the fans about his citation.
He posted a picture on his story of you and captioned it:
To clear out the rumours from today, me and y/n are happily together. y/n has not and has never cheated on me, for those who know she is everything to me and i will do anything to not lose her. There is no anger towards this situation jsut please, be careful with what you say on the interent, even if y/n and i dont post about us everyday its not htat wer are not together, we like to live in the present with one another since i go away for tour. Usually shes here with me, but sadly she isnt. So again please just be aware with what you are posting, we are human and things that were said towards her will hurt anyone.
222 notes · View notes
krxideprnz-archive · 3 years
Note
Idk if my message went through cause my internet sucked, but since he doesn’t have a technical age....
Can I request a sub Mahito x dom reader smut.
He would be such a brat and I live for it.
I just wanna peg his pretty ass into oblivion and just wreck him.
I wanna watch him cry and scream as I deny his orgasim a few times and have him beg.
I wanna break him and watch his pretty face turn red.
Since I’m kinky asf, he would totally have a praise kink and be really into roleplay.
Also I have a mommy kink so yeah...
As to how this all occurs, it’s up to you! And sorry if you got this request from me more than once, once again my internet was pretty crap
Oh my god I really hope this is alright because I just absolutely despise Mahito 😔😔 but I tried to push these feelings away somehow.
I hope you enjoy this hun 🥰
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Sub! Mahito x Dom! Reader
This includes content not suited for minors
Includes - master and servant talk/orgasm denial/mommy kink/pegging
A cup of coffee was placed next to you on the table by Mahito, who was currently staying at your place.
Since the the two of you started dating, he insisted on staying at your place, and who were you to say no to that pout of his?
But the time with him turned out to be better than you expected it to be, and he was surprisingly thankful for his new living space. 
“Well aren’t you a nice little servant?” you spoke, jokingly, as you placed a little bit of sugar in your beverage. 
You could see Mahito pause his movement before clearing his throat. 
“Servant?” He giggled, trying to cover up the rush of excitement that filled his body at your words. 
You watched him closely, surely something had happened that got him all excited, and you were sure you knew what it was, ready to use it fully to your advantage.
“Don’t tell me you like it when I call you that?” You smirked, turning in your chair to face him completely.
He swallowed hard before shrugging his shoulders, still an attempt to show that he wasn’t affected.
“I was just surprised”
“Okay, then I order you to leave. Your master has to work now” you winked at him, working to slowly get him to admit he was turned on, even though it was painfully obvious.
Mahito still stood where he was as he spoke; “come on. You know I get turned on when you call me that”
“How am I supposed to tell? You said you were just surprised” you stated, crossing your legs and still looking at him with a exaggerated oblivious look. He sighed, a small pout forming on his face. It was clear that he was becoming impatient, so he decided to finally voice his thoughts;
„Please Master... call me Servant once more“ he finally slipped into his role, bright eyes staring back at you as a small grin graced his features. He pushed all your buttons just right, so you stood up and gestured for him to follow you into the bedroom.
You could practically feel the excitement radiating from his body as he entered your shared bedroom. He stood by the bed, waiting for your next oder like the obedient servant he was.
„Get on the bed, now“ you spoke, watching as he lowered his body onto the matress, expectantly staring up at you.
You began to undress him, relieving him of every arcticle of clothing covering his pale skin. Your fingers traced over the marks covering his body, touching every sensitive spot you know he liked.
He was sighing in content, feeling your digits on his body and your face hovering dangerously close over his, breath fanning over his parted lips.
„Touch me more“ he spoke, Mahito was craving for your touch, desperate to feel your skin on his, but he completely forgot the place he was in. A slap to his thigh was the thing that snapped him out of his daze.
„What was that for, (Y/N)?“
„Know your place. You don’t tell me what to do here. And thats Master for you“ you ordered.
His breath hitched in his throat when he watched you get up and move away from the bed. At first he was scared that you would leave him here since he disobeyed, but soon, you came back with a very familiar item placed in your hand.
He gazed at the strap on in your hand as you walked towards the bed again, hips swaying with each step you took. You also began to undress yourself, exposing more and more of your body to Mahito, who was watching every single movement like a hawk, admiring your soft curves and features.
You threw the fabric to the side and stepped into the strap to secure it around you.
„Look at you getting all excited, I havent even done anything yet.”
You could see his cock begin to harden. You got in the bed next to him, laying on the bed, he still had to do some preparation.
„Well. Serve me first. Suck“ you gestured to the toy.
„Hey come on. Im not gonna-“
„You wanna get fucked or not? You’ll have to be a good boy if you want to“ you spoke, and he hesitantly crawled further down to take the toy into his mouth.
The dildo was covered with his spit as he sucked on it further, his tongue licking over the shaft.
„Prepare it real good, honey, so I can fuck that tight little ass of yours thoroughly.“
His breath got caught in his throat and he gagged when you began to fuck up into his mouth.
Small tears formed in the corners of his eyes and he looked up at you, generous as you are, you let him take a short break to speak.
„Im ready!f-fuck please...“ his dick was dripping precum on the sheets, forming a small wet spot on the soft sheets. You tapped your finger against your chin, pretending to think about your answer, even though you already made up your mind.
„Okay Servant. But one more condition. Ride on this cock like the needy little thing you are“
A faint blush coated his cheeks but he still complied, positioning himself over the dildo before looking at you confirmation. When he saw you nod, he lovered himself onto the toy, taking him slowly until you completely bottomed out.
„Hngh-ah!“ at first he felt nothing but pain, he felt like he was being torn in half by the sheer girth of the dildo, but at the same time he felt unbelievably good, shaking on top of you while youre grinning up at him.
„M-Master--“
„I want you to call me Mommy, can you do that for me?“ you cooed and thrusted up into him. His head fell to the side with a breathy moan as the pain he felt slowly contorted into pure pleasure.
„fuck..Mommy!“
„Yes, let everyone know whos making you feel this good“
He started to bounce up and down on the strap, grabbing onto your shoulders for support.His nails dug into your skin, creating small crescent marks on your skin from the pressure.
Every time the toy reentered him, a loud pleasured moan escaped his throat at the intense sensation. Sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the room.
„Ah! My legs...“ he sighed when he started to feel a growing pain in his legs from all the harsh moving they had to support. You let out an exagerrated sigh, before turning the both of you around, so Mahito was underneath you, hair fanned out over the pillow, blush coating his cheeks and eyes glossed over. He looked ethereal.
His lips parted with every desperate sound he made, head falling back into the pillow as you set an even pace to pound into his walls. His hole was clenching around the toy, seemingly pulling it even further in.
His mouth fell open in a silent scream as the toy started to kiss his prostate, touching the sensitive spot with each following thrust.
„s-shit! Mommy! G-Ah!“ his eyes closed tightly as he felt his incoming orgasm, the familiar sensation in his body started to grow, threatening to push him over the edge any second now. And you could definetly tell from the way his moans got louder and louder- and his breathing staggered.
The only words that left his mouth were „Mommy“ or „more!“ and mumbled incoherent phrases.
You grabbed his dick tightly, denying his orgasm- and Mahito started to wiggle in your grasp. „Why- just- ngh!“ he cursed as he glared up at you, mad at the feeling of his orgasm dying down.
„You couldnt even fuck yourself until you came on this dick before your legs gave out, its pathetic“ he let out a small whine as he looked away to the side, seemingly emberassed by your statement.
He was about to talk back when you started to move again, tight hold on his erection never loosening. The headboard of the bed hit the wall with your fast movements, pounding inside of his tight ass with fevor.
Mahito felt your thumb touch his leaking tip, rubbing the precum over his sensitive head.
„Can I cum now-ngh..“ he blinked away his tears when your tight grip on him still didnt falter. His head thrashed around as yet another orgasm was denied from him. His cock was now painfully throbbing and your pace only fastened, dragging along his walls and hitting his prostate in the most pleasuring way possible.
„Okay okay... god youre so impatient.“ you rolled your eyes and hesitantly let go of his erection, building him up to another fast approaching high.
It only took him a few more thrusts to feel the familiar feeling slowly build up again.
Your mouth lowered to play with his nipples, wich pushed him over the edge when he felt the sensation of your tongue over his sensitive buds.
He came with multiple high pitched moans of your name, body trembling in bliss as you continued to fuck him through his high.
„Thank you Mommy- I need more of you-!!“ he was still craving for your attention-, the intense feeling of your harsh thrusts.
Tears were building in his eyes, rolling down his flushed cheeks.
Who were you to deny your little Servant?
186 notes · View notes
xiaaoluvr · 3 years
Text
unforgettable
warnings : none
sfw, angst?? & fluff (idk)
hospital au ? (something like that)
word count : 1k
zhongli x gn! reader
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your fingers intertwined with his– as you sit and wait beside the hospital bed. a few seconds later, zhongli hesitantly opens his eyes groaning. he looks around the room, then at you, then at your intertwined hands.
"zhongli! youre up!" you cry, scooting closer to him. you kiss his hand, tears filling your eyes. he's unresponsive. he doesnt move much, but you dont expect him too. "are you okay?"
he remains quiet. he looks around the room again, and then you once more. "zhongli? how are you feeling?"
"i-i feel like fine.." he croaks, untangling his hand from yours. you stretches a bit before looking at the time. 10:12pm.
the nurse enters the room with a glass of water and hands it zhongli. he sips it quietly, not saying anymore. which is unusual, because he is rather talkative. especially with you. "babe, are you sure youre okay?" you ask, placing your hand on his shoulder.
he glances at the hand on his shoulder and sets the glass of water on little table beside the bed. "forgive me but, im feeling a little uncomfortable." he tells you brushing your hand of your shoulder. you feel a little offended, slightly embarrassed— but it's understandable. "are you sure youre okay? i know its because you're in the hospital, but cmon dont act like that." you awkward joke.
he just stares at you confused. "now that i think about it... i dont know your name.." he starts. "i dont even think i know who you could be."
you laugh a little. but hes not laughing. "youre joking right?" you laugh again. he stares at you blankly. "whats funny?"
your heart stops and your mind goes blank. you cant think. you dont wanna think. you dont wanna think what's actually happening right now. the nurse had told you earlier it was a possibility for this to happen, but it was unlikely. it was unlikely for the worst to happen. it was unlikely for him to get amnesia.
your senses came back to you when you felt hot tears streaming down your face. your throat felt heavy and your hands were shaking. you look over to zhongli, who is unreadable. "dont cry." he says sternly, trying to comfort you. you smile a bit, but that wont fix the pain youre feeling.
"im actually... youre significant other." you say quietly, standing beside the bed. you show him your left hand with the ring on your finger. he looks down at his hands again and nodds when he sees the ring on his own finger. "explains why that ring is there."
he pats down on the bed for you to take a seat, which you do so. he doesnt know how to exactly comfort you but he placed a hand on yours. "i dont, really remember anything... but i can tell what we had is something special– i assume." he says.
tears continue to stream down your face as he comforts you. he wipes your tears aways and reassures you everything is okay. but you know its not. nothing will be the same.
"so how long have we been married? or together rather?" he asks. you smile. "we've been married for about four years but we've been together.... for as long as i can remember." you chuckle.
you both continue to talk among yourselves, while he continuously asked you questions about your relationship, his life, his like and dislikes, and all sorts of things. he knows he has amnesia now but doesnt really seem to ask about that. you'd rather not tell him how he ended up like this anyways.
"my life was pretty interesting, huh." you nod in response, closing your eyes. it felt so good bring up old memories. you feel zhongli wrap his arms around you, pulling you closer. feeling the warmth of his body against yours felt nice.
"you really seem unforgettable y/n." zhongli tells you before pulling away. "but it will take me awhile to fall inlove with you again, i apologize."
"i understand." you say, forcing a smile. the thought of this being your fault, filled your head. you really believed it was your fault that he ended up with amnesia.
it had all started with an argument. a stupid argument. you were feeling jealous and insecure, which was dumb because zhongli treated you so good. no flaws in your marriage at all, but you couldnt help feeling so furious seeing them together. they'd often spend time together, a little more than zhongli would spend time with you. you told him you thought you were better off alone and to forget all about you— to forget all about this relationship. you'd even took off your ring and threw it at him. he was as hurt and angry as you but stormed out the house, driving off. hours later, you seemed to realize how rude you had been. you were worried when he didnt return home. but that worry you felt only grew when you got a call informing you zhongli had been hospitalized.
you feel so lost. you never meant for this to happen. you only told him to forgot because it was in the heat of the moment. this was your punishment. this is what you get. you dont even feel bad for yourself– you feel bad for him. all you want to do is save him. he doesn't deserve it.
"im sorry... for everything. this is all my fault." you tell him. he looks confused, he obviously doesnt know what youre talking about, but he nods his head. "dont feel like that y/n. its not your fault." he tries to reassure you. but thats wrong.. you look into his golden eyes, tears filling your own. "im gonna protect you this time, so next time... you won't forget us. you wont forget me." you say shakily before he pulls you into a hug again.
122 notes · View notes
blxetsi · 3 years
Note
Hey u! If you write for Erwin could I maybe request like some fluffy headcanons where they just take care of each other after an expedition? Thank you so much <3
hey you ! ty for requesting this was fun to make 🤩🤚
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caring for erwin smith after an expedition headcanons (canonverse)
lowercase intended !
warnings: mentions of death, titans, gore maybe idk ???, female reader kinda ??? idk i didnt use gendered pronouns u decide
enjoy friends 😎🙏,
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the ride back was hard.
- everyone always says "it was supposed to be an easy mission !" but this time it really was. which makes it so hard to understand why just so many of your comrades had to die
- you rode back near a wagon filled with bodies, the most abled bodied people were going to be tasked with getting their bodies identified and sorted, then ready to be buried.
- after that, whichever squad leader had those soldiers would have to write to the families, to send a formal apology as well as details of the situation.
- you knew that no matter what, even if there was just one death or a thousand, erwin would have a hefty stack of paperwork to go through
- from writing his own report to looking over others, going through soldier files to order out the deceased ones, and signing any letters that come his way from squad leaders.
- you had your own job to do. although it wasn't identifying bodies, you had to go back to the infirmary with the injured, and work with the doctors and nurses there to try and save the injured.
- your head was filled with names and tallies, who got hit where, how long has this person been passed out, when did we set their dislocated shoulder, they suffered a nasty head laceration, did i ever check their pupils ?
- you and erwin both had a lot on your plates, and you knew you wouldn't be able to see him until hours later, maybe not even until the next day
- and as much as you wanted to go see your fiance, who would be silently beating himself up over this, you couldn't, your responsabilities always came first, just as his did
- so after hours upon hours in the medical hallway, with nurses and doctors flowing from one room from the next, soldiers coming in with gurneys to transport soldiers that had passed, their names already being added to a list of fallen soldiers.
- it was about one in the morning when things finally started to die down. nurses that were tasked with the night shift had been helping greatly, as others were ready to pass out. you'd been employed by the scouts for years, first as a medic, then after almost dying from an abnormal on a mission, retired from the field to become one of the on call doctors at the base, before coming out of your haitus to rejoin your squad. since you had so much experience on and off the field, you could keep going. you were tired, but your body just couldn't stop moving.
- you decides itd be good for a shower, and saw lots of soldiers there with you.
- it was quiet, which wasnt normal but not surprising considering the circumstances. most times in the showers girls would be helping each other braid their hair, or sharing soaps and lotions, chatting about whatever happened that day on base. the boys' showers were usually even more rowdy, youd almost be able to hear them next door.
- you were surprised by just how much blood and dirt came off of you. you didnt feel like you treated or assisted a lot of people today, but maybe thats just because this whole days been a blur. because the showers had been used so frequently you had ice cold water streaming down your body, after soaping down your body, getting into every nook and cranny and line you could, you shut off the water, before wrappy your body in a towel and going to one of the sinks there
- you brushed your hair (which took some time) and brushed your teeth before making your way back to the dorms, where you found some pajamas to change into.
- your roommates were all asleep, two snoring, one not. you knew they were absolutely exhausted, and silently hoped that theyd get to sleep in the next day
- you made your way to the lounge room, finding some stragglers stationed around. two sitting on a couch, one sitting on the ground in front of them, someone at a near by table with a chess board in front of them, and another had come out of the kitchen with some tea.
- you knew walking around was useless, youd just disturb others and could possibly get yourself in trouble. but you couldnt help it. it was just past two in the morning now, and you knew even if you only got an hour of sleep, you were sure to wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare.
- so where do you go ? erwins.
- getting there was easy, you knew this route like the back of your hand. from coming in tk hand him reports from the medical hallway, to sneaking in after curfew for goodnight kisses, making your way to his office was like second nature to you.
- you didnt bother knocking, and he didnt bother looking up at you. he knew only you would dare to interrupt the commander after curfew without identifying yourself, and although he had asked you to knock you absolutely could not.
- you slowly stepped in, your bare feet padding against the squeaking floorboards. you sat in a chair in front of his desk, and simply watched him while he wrote.
- he wasnt in his uniform now, but in pajamas like yourself, you were glad he found the time to shower and change, his hair drying and frizzing up the tiniest bit.
- it was quiet, the only noises you could hear were the scribbling of his pen against paper, and the soft whistling of his nose as he breathed, time blended together until finally he stopped, and simply looked at you.
"my dear, why don't you sleep ?" he asked.
you gave him a soft smile, not noticing until now just how droopy your eyes had become. "because then i wouldn't be able to stare at you, my love." your voice was nothing but a whisper, and with the way the wind howled erratically outside, like it was mourning the fallen with you and everyone else, erwin wouldve missed it.
"you flatter me too much." he replied, his deep voice breaking off at the end.
you two stared like that for a while, just remembering every detail of the other person. the candle light was getting dimmer as the wax kept melting, but the soft glow it gave made all your beauty stand out to erwin. although it was a depressing moment, he still found time to admire just how perfect you looked. he could've lost you today, and he knows that. he stopped vocalizing things like that long ago, as your answer would always be "well you didnt, and you never will !" he didn't need you jinxing yourself like that.
you observed the bags under his eyes while he observed your own. erwin felt worried that youd be all sore and achy, from running around performing medical miracles on his soldiers from afternoon into night. you however, were worried if his shoulders and back were sore, from sitting in the same position, hunched over for hours on end. you knew how easily his muscles tightened, you didn't want him to be in any discomfort, especially after today.
you were the first to look away, staring at one of the candles on his table, watching a race between two wax droplets, trying to see which one would hit the metal candle holder first.
"-my dear ?"
you turned your head back towards your man, giving him a hum of acknowledgment.
"i asked if you were ready to go to sleep, y/n." he repeated. his thick brows furrowed a bit, showcasing some wrinkles he had on his forehead. his eyes showed visible worry in them for you, and you couldn't help but return them.
"will you sleep with me please ?" you whispered. the day had caught up with you, and now the only thing you wanted was for erwin to be safe in your arms as he finally let go of this awful day.
erwin looked down at his work, weighing the actions of his possible decision. you were so sure he would decline, while sending you off back to your dorm to ensure you didn't bother him. you could feel your eyes fill with tears, erwins being becoming blurry. you couldnt conceal the whimper that left your mouth, clamping your hand against it to muffle anything else. your head turned down into your lap, while you felt hot tears hit your pajama bottoms.
erwin wordlessy got up, before moving to your side. you tried to protest but you couldn't take your hand away from your lips, afraid youd let out a sob.
the blond put one arm under your knees, while the other took your right hand and slung it around his shoulders. he let out a quiet grunt as he picked you up, before nuzzling your head into his neck as he made his way into his bedroom, which was connected to his office.
it was a small room, but there was a big bed that could probably fit quite a few people. he slowly sat you down on the edge, which was his side of the bed. pulling away he got on his knees in front of you, rubbing up and down your arms.
you gripped his shoulders as you gasped for breath. "you- you can't leave me. please erwin i- you have to stay." you sobbed, trying to pull him closer by his shirt.
he shushed you quietly, urging you to lay back as he pulled the covers away, he tucked you in silently, wiping your cheeks and forehead before joining you on the other side.
his pillow smelled like him, and you turned your head to breathe it in better, needing erwin and his comfort.
pulling the covers up around his waist, he leaned into your touch, your arms coming out to wrap around his shoulders. you pulled him into your chest, and you rubbed his back with one hand while the other cradled his head to your beating heart.
he didn't offer you any words of comfort, erwin knew that it wasnt what you needed right now. you didn't need reassurance, or promises that could be broken, you just needed him. and he would fully give himself over to you if he could.
your cries had died down until all you did was sniffle and let out the occasional shaky breath, and erwin found it a bit odd that instead of needing to be nurtured, youd need to nuture to feel better. instead of feeling protected, you needed to feel like you could protect to calm yourself.
slowly but surely you recovered, until all that was left were puffy eyes and soft sighs.
erwin tried to push himself up, to face you, but you pushed him back into your chest, making him chuckle slightly. you continued to rub his back, feeling his shoulder blades and muscle, and around his neck too. you kept your nose in his hair, no doubt getting snot in it but you knew right now erwin didnt care. you breathed in his shampoo while carding your hand through the short strands.
the commander would be lying if he said this didn't help him too. just a bit of alone time with the one he loved, being held the way a parent would cradle their child. he truly felt at peace in these moments with you, he felt warm and safe in your embrace. he wasn't a leader anymore, he wasn't a soldier. right now he was just a man, being held in the arms of the person he absolutely adored. and that was enough for him. because you would always be enough for him.
he whispered out your name, only hearing a soft hum in reply. he glanced up at you to see your head against the pillow, your eyes closed. he smiled before kissing your collarbone.
"i love you, my dear."
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thats it !!! i hope you enjoyed !! love u all, requests r open ❤️❤️❤️
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