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#like i dont rlly know the full extent of it bc i was a kid and dont remember a lot of it and i prolly never truly will know it
murdrdocs · 2 months
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celeste I’m dying and need help (this is super fucking long I’m actually so sorry)
so this guy that I’ve been friends with since literally 8th fucking grade likes me and asked me to go out with him but I don’t like him back but I’m too scared to reject him because I’m the type of person to feel AWFUL if I hurt someone’s feelings. Everyone tells me that it’s not my problem and that I shouldn’t feel bad but like I CANT.
I really wished I liked him bc he’s super sweet and literally said he’d buy me sour patch kids and give them to me when we go out (but I feel bad when people buy things/do nice things for me too) and I’ve been trying to give him so many hints by either straight up avoiding him when he asks me out (this is all over text btw) and I also told him “if I wanted sour patch kids, yk id get them myself. plus I feel bad when people buy things for me” and he’s like persistent on it.
and to make it worse, he got rejected by a different girl a few months ago and literally cried. me and my friends (cause he’s in our friend group) were like “comforting him” (basically telling him she wasn’t worth his time bc she was kinda rude abt rejecting him) and stuff like that, so I don’t wanna hurt him again.
he knows I had a toxic ex but doesn’t know the full extent, and bc of that ex, I’ve literally not had a crush since him bc he traumatized me.
anyways I genuinely tried summarizing this super quick but I’m sorry it got so long, I understand if you don’t want to respond/read the whole thing, but if you do then thank you!!! <333 (sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes I’m just panicking rn and my autocorrect is working overtime)
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okay i'm gonna give it to u so straight: u gotta bite the bullet man. i get that ur empathetic but think abt this, if u do go out w him your feelings are most likely not going to change. then you'll be stuck, eventually he'll figure out/find out that u don't rlly like him. and it'll be a massive gigantic shit of a mess.
it sucks and it can be a sticky situation but the only way you'll get out of it is by being honest and putting ur foot down so to speak. plus it'll suck for a little while but if he's a good and true friend, he'll eventually move on and you guys will be just Friends again. and you can't be upset abt it forever like actually. you'll feel bad for a little while but eventually your body/mind will do what it needs to and you'll be okay again.
as for going abt it, avoidance neverrrr works in my experience. (been there trust) you have to tell him straight up that u dont want him. and if he is still persistent, then that's a major red flag (also trust me) and u do not want that in ur life.
also also, ppl get hurt unfortunately that is a part of life. if u don't hurt him, someone else will (sounds bad but it's true) and u aren't responsible for other ppl's feelings/how they react. all u can do is live ur truth and look out for no. 1.
anyway i hoped this helped? i am ... not the best at giving advice pertaining to men/guys/boy species without being a bitch abt it but i truly did try to set aside my erm ... dislike to help u. but get other advice too and ultimately go w ur gut (and ur head be logical but not too logical)
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transtemic · 3 years
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randomly remembered how my dad kicked my cat once and it almost fucked up his eye really bad and i had to put balm on it for like weeks and his eyes are still slightly mismatched because of it </3
#and also how he up and took my cat away to my grandmas house and didnt bring him back </3 WITHOUT TELLING ME BEFOREHAND </3333#like. i understand cats like. genuinely freak him out for whatever reason.#but the deep seated hatred of cats he has and the animal abuse just aren't it luv#like fr? one of the top worse things hes ever done. like its up there w his physical and emotional abuse of my mom and my siblings and of m#just like. dont kick cats????? tf????????? like i can excuse him taking him away even when he was a big emotional support for me#bc i genuinely wasnt the best at taking care of him (since i had to do it entirely by myself as a very depressed 12/13yo)#but if you dont want anything to do with him dont fucking touch him. if he was somewhere he wasnt supposed to still dont fucking kick him??#tho fr since he like. completely justified and rationalised beating his kids to himself. kicking a cat is not gonna be the hardest to do.#god sometimes i think im at an ok place in my relationship w my dad and w my trauma related to him but then boom.#this also speaks to the fact that i have also kinda excused and rationalised and minimised his abuse to myself#like i dont rlly know the full extent of it bc i was a kid and dont remember a lot of it and i prolly never truly will know it#and i have come to terms with it gradually over time through understanding both its effects on me and that my dad is also deeply tramatised#and cycle of abuse and forgiveness yada yada#but i am so deeply enraged every time i think about him hurting my baby. i rationalised it away at the time but looking back. fucking hell.#its also good that he took him away bc hes safe away from my dad now#is what i tell myself bc my grandma has been nothing but loving to me and her cats as far as i remember#but also i now know shes the one who fucked my dad up and heard the shit she put him through so sometimes i do worry but afaik shes changed#and its easier to forgive her for something she didnt do to me directly tho it still indirectly led to my own abuse#........ im getting off track. point is i can excuse past abuse towards me but i draw the line at animal abuse :) gn#ícaro rants#child abuse tw#abuse tw#abuse mention tw#child abuse mention tw#animal abuse mention tw#animal abuse tw#ask to tag#oh yeah also i remembered this bcy friends' cat's eye wasnt doing great??? but shes all better now thankfully <3
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resilientreader · 7 years
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You already know how we work. 1 through 97 with the asks!
1. What’s your middle name? michelle  (mic-hell?)
2. What are you listening to right now? can’t help falling in love by haley reinhart
3. What was the last thing you ate? poptarts
4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? u (haha mobile tumblr)
5. Do you drink? no
6. Do you smoke? no
7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? the way they carry themselves/portray themselves to others
8. What is your hair color? dirty blond
9. What is your eye color? grey-ish blue
10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? yeah i wear glasses
11. Dogs or cats? give me all the fucking furballs
12. What’s your favorite animal? i wouldn’t be able to decide, there are too many good ones.
13. What’s your favorite television show? modern family is neat
14. What’s your favorite movie? uh,,i rlly like pitch perfect actually, from what i remember it was neat
15. What’s your favorite band/singer? i can’t really choose on a favorite, considering there are so many good ones, but mcr, relient k, mindy gledhill, and regina spektor are all near the top.
16. How old are you? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
17. Do you have a crush on anyone? My girlfriend
18. What’s your sexual orientation? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
19. What’s your favorite color? gray
20. What was your most embarrassing moment? existing in itself is embarrassing
21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? yeah sometimes
22. What were you like when you were a kid? i was,,,immature
23. What would your dream house be like? books literally everywhere, rlly cozy and warm, soft colors and plush things literally everywhere.
24. What last made you laugh? a shitpost
25. What is your favorite word? perpetual
26. What is your least favorite word? can’t
27. What turns you on? a light switch
28. What turns you off? hey what do you know, it’s that same switch
29. What is your star sign? capricorn
30. What are your favorite books? harry potter series
31. Do you have any siblings? yeah, 3 of them
32. Do you like to dance? not often
33. What is your definition of cheating? being untruthful and going behind another’s back for personal gains and/or doing it out of fear
34. Have you ever cheated on someone? no
35. Do you regret anything? my existence
36. Do you have any phobias? yes plenty
37. Ever broken any bones? yeah, i snapped my femur in half once bc an old tv fell on it
38. Ever come close to death? yeah, when i snapped my femur in half bc the tv could’ve fallen on my head or w/e if i didn’t pull a sonic move
39. What is your religion, if any? i dont really have a set religion, i’m more just gonna let fate take the reins on what happens after i die and accept that really any religion could be true
40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? no
41. Are looks important in a relationship? not at all
42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? i’m pretty neutral on both of them, because i have some of my mom’s traits and some of my dad’s but i’m also like neither of them so
43. What is your favorite season? winter
44. Do you have any tattoos? no
45. Do you have any piercings? yeah
46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? like,,,2-3
47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? not really
48. Who is your celebrity crush? no one
49. Are you a virgin? yeah
50. Do you get jealous easily? not really i dont think
51. What is your favorite type of food? dessert 
52. Do you ever want to get married? sure, if i find the right person for it
53. Who was your first kiss with? i still haven’t had a kiss yet lmao (my girlfriend is like,,,online so?)
54. Have you ever been cheated on? i’m too oblivious to know
55. What is your idea of the perfect date? spending an evening/night just sitting w my so and talking to each other about everything. listening to them tell their life story, telling me their favorite things, things they think, really anything about them. we’d be cuddling and just having a nice conversation until the early hours of the morning, or even just laying there together in silence.
56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert
57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? fuck yeah
58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? being able to draw or like sing
59. What is your saddest memory? frankly would rather keep this one to myself
60. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes
61. Do you believe in soul mates? yes and no
62. Have you ever dyed your hair? no
63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? not that i’m aware of
64. Would you go against your moral code for money? it depends on what i’d need the money for
65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? i’m lactose intolerant (but completely disregard the fact and gorge on ice cream haha), the last time i drew something was months ago, and no one i don’t think has ever heard or experienced the full extent of my emotions/issues/being
66. Who are you jealous of? i’m not really jealous in general??? like i can’t name anyone who i’ve specifically been jealous of before????
67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? sometimes
68. How long was your longest relationship? the one i’m in, actually
69. Is the glass half empty or half full? why do i have half of a glass anyway
70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? flirt with me
71. Who is your most loyal friend? not too sure
72. Are you in a relationship? yes
73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? she’s so kind and enchanting and jfkfkjgk you don’t understand i don’t have a favorite thing there’s too many wonderful and amazing things about her, saying one good thing about her feels like it’d just omit everything else about her
74. Are you a bad person? i’m not the best judge for that
75. Are you a lover or a fighter? i think a lover, i’m not too sure
76. What did you do on your last birthday? stayed lowkey
77. What is your favorite quote and why? i don’t have a favorite quote, but i enjoy quotes that explore topics that are more spiritual rather than intellectual or anything
78. If your best friend died, what would you do? i would die inside along with their physical death
79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? that one answer on that one test (aka ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? send messages to everyone i value telling them about how much i value and appreciate them before writing some last words
81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? uh one time i dreamed that my family had a plushie contest in my old house and i had a python plushie that turned into an actual python, then at some point it started raining and like,,,,nutcrackers and giant gummy bears attacked my house???? and i lead???? some sort of attack against them?????? then woke up???
82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? it depends on who i’m/i’d be in a relationship with
83. Who were you in a past life? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i can’t remember
84. What is your happiest childhood memory? this one christmas when i got a dog plushie bc it was,,so pure (i still have him)
85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? like,,,once
86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yeah, lots of them
87. If you were the president, what would you do? implement new policies on equality and help square away the country’s budget, along with working towards making the government more unified and,,,you know, stuff like that
88. What is your ideal career? either being an author or a psychologist, both are really neat
89. What is your political affiliation? lmao idrc about politics
90. Are you conservative or liberal? again idc about affiliating myself with one or the other
91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? both are beautiful, no matter the shape
92. Do you like kissing in public? yeah i’m fine with it
93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? the fact that people can’t accept that people and opinions can differ from their own views and/or values
94. Where would you like to live? scotland
95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? alaska
96. Describe yourself in one word. conflicted
97. Describe yourself in one sentence. a mess that won’t change.
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Episode 6 Confessionals
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I mean I didn't make the idol play. But um #LUKEDIDTHAT. Love he did that. But Lexi self voting??? Ruining Luke's plan of getting someone out? ICONIC!! Poor Lexi is prob going to go home lol. But I'm happy the idol I found did something but sad that its now gone and a new one? might be able to be found for those  4 remaining.
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One more fake swap / fake merge and I'm going to vote myself off this island.
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So iconically, Luke idolled, which i'm happy about. I'm NOT happy about Ryan being voted out considering I was kind of wanting to play a game with him. It also doesn't make sense considering... he's tried in every challenge, and has helped out the tribe greatly imo, but then again - we don't know the social dynamics and tribe outlook on their tribe. Carson told me he found an idol, and i'm superbly excited. Will he use it on me? Likely not. But it's still good to know we have it in OUR possession, and i'm not planning on leaking a word. The fact that he told me is satisfying though, and I do truly feel as if he's my #1 in the game right now. The challenge? Pass. It's something... logic puzzles are... awful (yet a little fun at times, sure). The cup thing... whomst... and the counting? I'm fairly triggered. I'm going to likely sit out because i'm busy today and I just couldn't care or want to do ANY of that. also why is there no SWAP!
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Last tribal was fun with my idol play but Lexi made it less iconic with the self vote but that was completely understandable since she has a lot going on personally and I hope she's okay <3 It worked well in the sense that Jordan and Jay can still convince Lexi that they just had to do what they had to do with the tie and they saved her over Ryan. I compleTELY FUCKED UP THE COUNTING PART OF THE CHALLENGE WHICH I WAS ALREADY EH ABOUT DOING SINCE IT'S THE WORST BUT EUUURGH I MESSED UP. I'm hoping that we can win but if we don't then I hope I can trust Jay and Jordan enough to keep our 3 alliance strong and just vote our Lexi unanimously providing she doesn't have an idol or anything like that. I'll make an update after results...
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Can you believe we win again? If we merge, it's gonna be 7-3. What a time to be alive!!! 
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WHEWWWW i searched Mancos for the idol bc of my idol clue i got and i fucking found the idol and wow... i decided to tell Zach because I definitiely wanna nurture a relationship with him (love him so much) and we're a dynamic duo for sure!! i only talk to hi9m though and i def gotta fix that. playing this game AND another game at once is just a bit much but im still doing my best.
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OKAY IM SCREAMING HOW DID I EVEN GET ANOTHER REWARD?? Idk how many rewards there have been in total bc I forgot but I've gotten 3 and didn't do 1 bc it was too risky but like what the heck how is this even happening?? I'm shook 
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5g0x_0uPJo
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WE WON IMMUNITY YESSS!!! going into the final 10 7-3 is definitiely amazing and im assuming luke goes on the other tribe. im fine with that bc it seems like everyone on my tribe is close to luke, so theyll be closer to me if hes gone!! im definitiely enjoying this tribe but like.. where does everyone stand?? who knows. we havent gone to a tribal since eric combusted and i dont know where i stand. i trust zach and i kinda trust bryce even if we dont talk strategy but idk where everyone else stands. katie truists me i think, but idk if i talk to her enough for it to be a FULL trust between us?? shes probably the one i trust the most after the other 2. charlotte is... whew?? she hates zach im pretty sure so like... idk about that personally. shes a good player and also like... idk i just dont talk to her as much as the other returnees. willow is cool and shes super nice but we NEVER talk strategy and also she like gave tons of info to eric allegedly then voted him out so idk if i can trust that rlly but like  thats a bit hypocritical bc i kinda used him too. i need to try talking more strategy with her. and chris... we talk and they're pleasant conversations but like willow, i dont talk strategy enough with him. plus hes a good game player from what ive seen in this game?? i know hes busy so i just gotta start getting a bit more out of him. my social game has def been slipping and if i dont get it up, im looking at a merge boot status bc tbh? i think im a pretty big threat. ideally, jordan pines is merge boot, then we can use lexi/jay to possibly get out some of our tribe, maybe charlotte?? on second thought i could use jordan for that too but like.. i dont trust jordan lmao. IDEALLY, id like a boot order of... f10: jordan f9: charlotte f8: lexi f7: willow f6: chris f5: jay f4: bryce f3: katie/zach, depends on who i think i can win easier against?? then ideally a final 2 of me winning. but survivor is always changing, so nothing is for sure. thats just how id LIKE it to happen, but nothing is gonna happen exactly so ill just pray!!
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We lost immunity...again...shocker! Jay approached me earlier to potentially blindside Jordan and get him out since he's a huge threat at the upcoming merge but ultimately decided that using his connection with Katie and his reputation as a meat shield would be to our advantage since we're both winners and that is enough to get people to target us. It feels weird working this closely with Jay. If we merge next then plan to get Katie using Jordan, Carson using Jay and Zach using myself and then add Charlotte into the group and we should have a strong group. I also want to find out who gave me the immunity idol so I can first of all thank them, second of all ask them why and third if all work with them. I just hope I'm not being screwed by Jay the same way he was trying to screw Pines. 
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Confessional #1 this round: Fuck ulta, i hate this tribe, i want to leave, ryan palmer let me go home
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I accidently self voted last round and it tied between me and ryan because luke used an idol. so they voted ry out and i cried alittle. thats about all. 
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Confessional #2- Rip Lexi, this is wrong, how the fuck are we gonna be at 3 players, after this wtf they have an entire tribe waiting to fight us
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Im so happy we won again to be able to go into a merge with 7-3 majority maybe and a 4 person group into the 10 person game! Things are going well
Wish I can find the idol and hope luke doesnt go out either here
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bye lexi! honestly like... idk. all newbies on their tribe are gone, it's so funny. im anticipating merge! or a swap.. or something. its 7v3 for crying out loud! im not sure what my move is going forward, but i think im confident. just kidding, i'm likely leaving. this is a bs conf but i may make one tomorrow hehe
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haha I beat Jay
wow can't believe I'm this seasons challenge beast
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We're really that tribe that's completely decimating everything.
I've been out all day and I see that they voted out Lexi. Every tribal that Jordan pines makes it through makes me even more nervous about getting to a merge with him around. We didn't have a good history in our last game but I'm hoping that there are more people around with bad blood with him so I can kinda just get by without getting any shots fired at me. I just want to go into a merge already. None of this potential "tribe swap" to make things even for one more round. I usually get fucked in a swap and I'd rather not have history repeat itself.
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Over the course of the past week or so, i've been attempting to mend things with Charlotte. She's the only person that I feel like would be dead set on getting rid of me, so to weaken that desire would be sufficient. I also want to work on Katie and Chris a bit more so that the newbies (since i'm already decent with Willow, I believe) would be more loyal to me. I need opportunities! As for the pending upcoming merge or swap, i'm not ready. I would hope the 7 Ulta stay together for a BIT or something, like vote out Jordan. I'm semi-close with Jay and Luke, so would I want to vote them out right away? Well, in the wise words of Jay - absolutely not. But I would if I had to. I'd be more lenient with voting Jay since i'm now developing a friendship with Luke (because of another ORG) and I really like him, he's a cool kid. Him and I have NEVER worked together in past ORGs so if we manage to survive and make it on a tribe together, it'll be something refreshing. Carson's still my favourite though. He's a social god and it's scary. The kid has school from like 7-3pm and still finds more time to message me somehow or someway. It's... wildt. I trust him to an extent and him and I both have agreed that like we'll go far but obviously we are bale to betray one another if essential to our own game. I likely won't make it that far though RIP. I told him i'd be his lapdog, despite the tag of the season o.O Bryce. I didn't mention him yet. He's cool, him and I rarely talk but I think he's overall a great person. I'd like to talk to him more but our last conversation felt dull and I can't force a convo (not his fault, communication is indeed a two way street.) Nonetheless, it's something I may have to work on for my game. Also lowkey it's so funny because two tribals ago, you provoked the question regarding returnees and newbies, and here are some facts: - Ryan asked you to stop shoving it down his throat. He got voted out consequently. Iconic, right? - All newbies on their side are eliminated - All the boots in the game in general are newbies (with the exception of my Bahamas representative Willa...RIP good soul. The good die young!) So basically a returnee will win this game. It might be slightly worrying to Katie/Willow/Chris and they may want to extend and form bonds with OG Copa so that they have backup, because obviously there's a trend with voting out the newbies. Anyway, this is my third confessional this round... more than expected hehe hope you enjoy! P.S look at this rude ass message: On 2017-09-14, at 6:36 PM, carson wrote: > Use the Golden Rope to hang urself please HSDGNISDGNDS It was so funny I choked bye now
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I seriously thought I was being screwed this round because I didn't think Jay would flip on Lexi but he did and I'm still here! 5 votes against me and I'm still here which is great!! There are only 3 of us left on Copa and we're an alliance so if we don't swap/merge and lose immunity then....it's going to suck. I think maybe I'd be in the middle? But equally Jordan and Jay have known each other a lot longer than they've known me so they might see me as disposable and get rid of me which I hope isn't the case. I really wanna merge and go work with Zach, Charlotte and Carson who I know and think I could work well with. Also Bryce, a newbie from last season, someone who I'd be interested in hooking up with in this game and working with!
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So I got another advantage which is lit, I guess all these advantages are making up for kvaloya, anyway who knows how I'm gonna be able to explain the randomized vote?
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Okay so like I just realized I'm in another game with Eric. And I kinda led the charge to get him voted out so I'm trying to win immunity otherwise he is totally killing me so sorry this is a terrible confessional but I'm STRESSING. 
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If we don't merge I'm so incredibly fucked
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