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#like dan and phil art speed
incaseyouart · 2 years
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CHEERS MATE!!
Goddamn these two had BETTER GET A REUNION T_T
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gorogues · 3 months
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Spoilers for comics in March 2024!
These are from the official solicits for that month, which you can see in full at Adventures In Poor Taste.
There's not a lot of Rogues content this month, but a bit. Digger isn't mentioned in any of the Kill Arkham Asylum solicits, but he is on one cover.
SPEED FORCE #5 Written by JARRETT WILLIAMS Art by DANIELE DI NICUOLO Cover by SWEENEY BOO Variant cover by GEORGE KAMBADAIS $3.99 US | 32 pages | 5 of 6 | Variant $4.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 3/12/24 After teaming up with the rest of the Flash Family in Titans: Beast World Tour Central City, Avery and Wallace are more determined than ever to take down the mysterious forces behind the app that’s brainwashing not only the S.T.A.R. Labs scientists but now the youth of Keystone City. But before they can reach the Big Boss, they’ve got to face off with holographic versions of themselves!
SUICIDE SQUAD: KILL ARKHAM ASYLUM #2 Written by JOHN LAYMAN Art by JESUS HERVAS Cover by DAN PANOSIAN Variant cover by ARIEL OLIVETTI 1:25 variant cover by GABRIEL HARDMAN $4.99 US | 32 pages | 2 of 5 | Variant $5.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 3/5/24 Before the Suicide Squad sets their sights on the corrupted Justice League in the upcoming video game, they have to escape Arkham Asylum, and that’s going to require a lot more killin’ first. Good thing Deadshot is the world’s deadliest assassin. Or is that second-deadliest? Either way, he’s determined to survive the riot to end all riots, in order to live to die another day. But there’s a lot of guards standing between Deadshot and freedom. A lot of other inmates, too. Deadshot’s solution: kill ’em all! Presenting the riotous prequel to Rocksteady’s Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League! Each print issue includes a redeemable code for a bonus weapon doll digital token in Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League inspired by the comic. Get the new Great White Shark weapon doll digital token with issue #2. Paying subscribers with a DC UNIVERSE INFINITE Annual or Ultra subscription (U.S. only) who read the digital issues of Suicide Squad: Kill Arkham Asylum will also receive these bonus digital codes.* *Terms Apply. See dc.com/suicide-squad-faq for details. DC UNIVERSE INFINITE is not intended for children.
Plus another Kill Arkham Asylum solicit and the Ape-Ril Special behind a cut for lenghth!
SUICIDE SQUAD: KILL ARKHAM ASYLUM #3 Written by JOHN LAYMAN Art by JESUS HERVAS Cover by DAN PANOSIAN Variant covers by ARIEL OLIVETTI and STEPHANIE HANS $4.99 US | 32 pages | 3 of 5 | Variant $5.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 4/2/24 Wake up, brush teeth, get tortured by guards, get loose and get revenge. It’s just another day at Arkham Asylum for Harley Quinn, except all the cell doors just inexplicably unlocked and now everybody’s going nuts and killing each other. The lunatics are running the asylum today—which is just how Harley likes it! The bloody good time continues in this prequel to Rocksteady’s Suicide Squad: Kill The Justice League! Each print issue includes a redeemable code for a bonus weapon doll digital token in Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League inspired by the comic. Get the new Scarface weapon doll digital token with issue #3. Paying subscribers with a DC UNIVERSE INFINITE Annual or Ultra subscription (U.S. only) who read the digital issues of Suicide Squad: Kill Arkham Asylum will also receive these bonus digital codes.* *Terms Apply. See dc.com/suicide-squad-faq for details. DC UNIVERSE INFINITE is not intended for children.
For those who like Grodd and the other DC apes...
APE-RIL SPECIAL Written by JOHN LAYMAN, JOSHUA HALE FIALKOV, and GENE YANG Art by KARL MOSTERT, PHIL HESTER, and BERNARD CHANG Cover by DAN MORA Variant cover by BERNARD CHANG Banana Scent Variant cover by HAYDEN SHERMAN ($7.99 US) $5.99 US | 48 pages | Variant $6.99 US (card stock) ON SALE 3/19/24 CAUTION: An ape-surd amount of bad ape puns are incoming. Please be ape-vised. Gorilla Grodd’s recent incarcer-ape-tion in the pages of The Flash has left a void that Monsieur Mallah is more than happy to fill. Ape-sembling a group of the DCU’s most sinister simians, Mallah forms the Legion of D(oo-oo-ah-ah)m, with an eye toward world domin-ape-tion. But the world won’t be conquered that easily! Enter the all-ape JUNGLE L(ee-ee)gue. Can this team of hero-eek anthropoids be the salv-ape-tion we need, or will Mallah’s team of maniacal monkeys bring forth the ape-pocalypse? Get ready to go bananas as we honor DC’s storied history with mankind’s closest relatives in this ape-ic adventure! It’s gonna be orangu-tastic, so heat up a capuchin-o, prepare a batch of chocolate chimp cookies, and get ready to r(ee-ee)d the one comic b(oo-oo)k this year that’s guaranteed to make you go…APE!
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yonpote · 1 year
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omg yeah dnp have referenced a lot of things here's what i know from the top of my head/minimal research?
lost (tv show, phil memorized the numbers from it for the impossible quiz)
bubble bobble (game that phil played as a kid w/ his brother, also on dapg)
dan really used to vibe with the kpop group shinee (has mentioned his ult bias taemin a lot)
baywatch (tv show, phil mentions in keep talking and nobody explodes 2)
speed (movie, phil mentioned in that same video and dan was like I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A SPEED REFERENCE)
beetlejuice (movie, phil used the theme tune in mark of oxin)
children (song by robert miles, referenced in mark of oxin again)
adventure time (a more obvious one, tv show, phil had a tube card and a hoodie that dan gave him referencing it)
dan used to play halo 4 a lot, also he used to be super into watching ddr players (idk either? does that count as media)
dan's anime recs

idk if that's what you meant but here!!!!!!! love ur art btw
AW THANK U I LOVE UR FICS <3<3
also omg yes these are like exactly what i was looking for thank you sooo much honestly i relate to dan a lot w his taste in kpop groups just being from 2010-2013 i do not know shit abt current kpop but shinee is forever
i remember trying to watch lost recently cuz i caught a couple episodes when i was a kid but couldnt get fully into it but maybe ill try again? i actually have the numbers memorized too for the same reason LMAO (autism moment)
omg one phil music i feel like no one talks about is spaceman by babylon zoo which he played once on their radio show after winning a 7 second challenge? i think hes said its the first cd he ever bought too which is great.
also just generally i really should listen to more muse, the resistance is full of bangers and thats THEIR album ffs but i should listen to other albums lol
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Rivalry (3) Masterlist
part one, part two
A Picture Lasts Longer (ao3) - satans_spaghetti
Summary: Dan and Phil are rival hitmen and meet irl at one of their jobs but they’re undercover, so they begin forming a relationship as their aliases. (One part)
Been Thinking About You a Latte (ao3) - Full_Moon_Lover
Summary: “You’re the cute and quiet customer that frequents the coffee shop where I’m a barista and also where my rival barista works and we’re both fighting for your attention in increasingly creative and inconspicuous ways (making foam art, writing cheesy pick-up lines on your napkin etc. etc.)
billet-doux (ao3) - Tarredion
Summary: Dan and Phil, gang leaders and rivals to the highest degree, harbor big secrets they want no one to see
cause you remember it, all too well (ao3) - kishere
Summary: Dan had been excited to be at VidCon to year after last year's fiasco where he fought sometimes boxing vlogger, but always lame, Lester. He just didn't expect to be tired the first day and start... something with his long time rival.
Conspire to Ignite - botanistlester
Summary: Virtuo and Nefaris have been in a war for hundreds of years, bringing death and sorrow to their people. After the Nefarians reign an attack on Virtuo, Phil is captured and brought to an unfamiliar planet where he is tortured for information. He gets assigned a prison guard named Dan, a cold and indifferent Nefarian who is prideful of his planet and always does as he’s told. Phil takes everything that comes to him without complaint, not knowing that his actions are slowly cracking down Dan’s hard exterior.
Dangerous Game - phancywork
Summary: Howell’s School of Abilities is a prestigious facility for children and teenagers with special powers. Dan and Phil both attend the school, but coming from rivaling families with opposing powers, they’re not exactly friends - their relationship is rather build on hostility and hatred. But what is going to happen to them when their final exam forces them to spend a week alone together?
everything led back to you (ao3) - celestialfics
Summary: First place in the high school art show isn’t even that big of a deal, or that’s what most of Dan and Phil’s friends say. And, well, they’re not wrong. It’s probably just the competing that Dan and Phil like, but they won’t ever admit that.
Heart♡Throb: For All Boys Who like Boys (ao3) - brookwrites
Summary: In the Heart♡Throb Universe, a world full of boys sees only grey until they’re ‘chosen’, and they become colorful. When they’re chosen, they compete for the love of a number of girls, and whoever wins gets to keep their color. The losers go back to the bland, emotionless life of a grey boy. It’s no wonder why Dan’s so competitive when he gets his color for the first time, but he’s distracted by one of his competitors: a boy named Phil who doesn’t seem to care at all. When their character traits are revealed to the girls, it turns out the two hold a secret in common.
Lions and the Howell Society (ao3) - orphan_account
Summary: Daniel James Howell wasn't willing to lose the national title two years running.
Lonely in Conflict, Cast as a Convict (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)
Summary: Dan is a vampire who can’t remember how it feels not to be lonely. Phil is a vampire hunter living in his brother’s shadow.
When they meet, they find acceptance in each other that they don’t find anywhere else, but there are secrets and other forces at play trying to keep them apart.
Love Thy Neighbor - paradisobound
Summary: Phil is the son of Assembly of God pastor who begins to fall for the son of the Catholic church across the road. A quick friendship quickly picks up speed into a sexual relationship that neither one of them can avoid. Finding solace in one another, they gain a newfound love that they never knew could have existed. 
My Favourite Font is Times New 'Ramen' (ao3) - phanetixs
Summary: "esteemed rival chefs find each other shamefully buying ramen at 3 in the morning" AU
Our House (ao3) - sierraadeux
Summary: Enemy is a harsh word. Rival sounds so immature, like Dan’s the star of some teen drama on Netflix. Competition is close, but not quite there.
In simple terms, Dan has a distaste for Phil Lester. Otherwise known as AmazingPhil in their line of business, for some reason that’s beyond Dan. What makes him so amazing anyway?
There’s a reason the network wanted Daniel Howell and Phil Lester for this specific series, and Dan guesses there’s really only one way to find out that answer.
or
And they were co-hosts. Oh my god they were co-hosts.
Plunge (ao3) - galaxeephan
Summary: This was a swimmer AU prompt by superasia8. I forget how the actual prompt went but that's okay. But here's the actual summary: Dan practices for his swimming competitions in the community pool and earns the attention of a member of the the opposing school's team. This rival tries to sabotage Dan, but luckily, Phil's got his back.
To Kill With Kindness (ao3) - ravels (orphan_account)
Summary: Dan Howell and his best friend, Chris Kendall, are really nice, and award-winningly so. Every year in their high school, their school newspaper holds a competition to see who is the most “exceptionally kind;” the flaw in this, of course, is that many have interpreted this as a popularity contest, which it is in many ways. But just when Dan and Chris think they have this competition in the bag, enter Phil Lester, the ridiculously nice underdog and the new kid, whose charmingly lopsided smile and never-ending kindness may even upstage Dan and Chris’ best efforts.
When Winter Met Summer (ao3) - cactusgal
Summary: A little love story about two feuding spirits who control the earth. One controls the cold and one controls the heat and they constantly battle for control on the planet. Mother Nature, who has taken the planet under her wing, finally decides it's time to do something. Inspired by Heatmiser and Snowmiser from A Year Without a Santa Claus and the Panic at the Disco song "When the Day Met the Night".
You Could Go Swimming In Those Eyes (ao3) - niennaerso
Summary: A Sports AU. In which Dan and Phil were rivals, but it wasn't always like that.
Your Crowning Glory (ao3) - pasteldanhowells, rainbowchristy
Summary: Dan is 18 years old when the news is suddenly sprung upon him that he is next line to be the next king of Genovia, but things don’t go as smoothly as he thought, between having a suddenly busy schedule, a new lifestyle, an arranged marriage that Dan has no control over, and worst of all, Philip Lester trying to steal his crown.
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antiadvil · 3 years
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Somebody to Love
summary: Dan and Phil’s first meeting in 2009, loosely inspired by the song Somebody to Love by Queen
rating: PG13
wc: ~3k
notes: for the @phandomreversebang! art provided by @anironsidh and betad by @awkwardest-sam. writing this fic was... a journey, and they were a really great and supportive team the whole time and I really appreciate them <3
read under the cut or on ao3
Dan’s train was running late, and he couldn’t stop his anxiety from running absolutely wild. He hadn’t missed it, had he? Maybe it had showed up early and left before he got there. Maybe it had showed up while he wasn’t paying attention and left already. Maybe it had-
The train pulled into the station. Dan relaxed his shoulders. He wasn’t going to miss his train. He managed to stay calm for a few minutes after he boarded until a sudden new thought hit him.
What if he missed his stop?
He groaned, letting his head drop into his arms. He couldn’t even get a ten minute break from his ridiculous thoughts.
He took a deep breath, trying to focus on something else. To try to distract himself, he pulled out his pen and notebook to work on a few video scripts.
He had finally gotten into a groove, allowing himself to forget his worries, when the train lurched as it approached its first stop, sending Dan’s pen and notebook spilling to the floor. He picked up the notebook, but his pen had already slid out of sight.
Great. Looks like he was going to have to find some other way of passing the remaining two and a half hours of his train ride.
He stared out the window, trying to calm his nerves, but his leg was bouncing up and down almost uncontrollably. He put his hand on his knee, forcing it down.
It was hard to believe that after months of nonstop texting and skyping, he was about to meet the boy from his computer screen in person. He still remembered the first time they had spoken, when he had finally gotten up the courage to message that cool youtuber on twitter.
He had sent him a message about a Queen song, and was shocked to receive a reply. He still was a little bit shocked every time Phil messaged him. Every time, he thought Phil would get tired of him. Every time, Phil kept coming back.
They had talked about their favorite band for hours that night. Then the conversation had shifted to themselves, their families, their hopes and dreams.
They still talked about music sometimes. It was a nice excuse to be in constant contact.
His fingers itched to text Phil, the way they always did when he was anxious, but he and Phil had been trying to stick to Skype lately. Last month’s phone bill had not been fun to pay. He shouldn’t text Phil until he arrived, to tell him where he was so they could meet.
His leg was bouncing again. He sighed in frustration, wishing he hadn’t lost his pen.
He bought a magazine to flip through. It was surprisingly entertaining. He managed to lose himself in it for nearly half an hour before he checked the time again.
Fuck the phone bill. Dan gave in and pulled out his phone. nervous (^_^;), he sent.
good, Phil sent back nearly instantly.
good?
im nervous too and im not allowed to be the only one
Dan laughed. His phone buzzed again
in a few hours we can be nervous 2gether
Dan couldn’t think of anything to send in response to that other than a smiley face.
now go away u spork remember ur phone bill
Dan let a smile break across his face. Phil did that to him frequently. fine, Dan sent quickly.
He returned to his magazine, calmer this time. It was silly to be so worried. It was just Phil. Phil, who he had known for months now. Phil, who he wanted to meet. Phil, who wanted to meet him.
Everything was going to be alright.
When his train arrived in the station, Dan climbed out, letting his eyes search for Phil. Quickly, they landed on a tall, pale boy with dark hair wearing a green plaid shirt. “Phil!” he shouted.
The boy brightened, looking to find the source of the noise. “Dan!”
“Phil,” Dan said again, running towards him, and the other boy was running too, and suddenly they were in each other’s arms, finally, after all these months of imagining.
Phil was holding Dan tighter than he’d ever been held, but it didn’t hurt. It was one of the nicest things Dan had ever felt.
After what felt like an eternity, Phil pulled back. “How was the train ride?”
“Good,” Dan said, his smile so wide he thought his face might split in two. “How was your bus ride?”
“Someone recognized me,” Phil pouted.
Dan laughed. “You’re a proper celebrity now.”
“I don’t want to be a proper celebrity,” Phil whined.
“You’d be a good celebrity.”
“How is someone a good celebrity?”
Dan shrugged. “You’re cute.”
Phil rolled his eyes. “Is that all?”
“Yes.” Dan giggled, though he hadn’t meant to. It was silly, he thought, a nineteen year old giggling over a boy.
Phil was smiling, too, though, and a bit of pink was showing through his pale skin on his cheeks, so he must not mind.
“Where to first?” Dan asked.
“Starbucks,” Phil said, bouncing up and down. “Starbucks, Dan, we have to-”
Dan laughed. “You’re such a sugar fiend.”
“C’mon!” Phil tugged at his hand.
Dan looked down at their hands in shock, surprised to find them tangled together.
“Sorry,” Phil said sheepishly, dropping Dan’s hand.
Dan wiped his hand on his jeans, then immediately cursed himself. He didn’t want Phil to think it was because of him, his hand was just sweaty. “No, you’re good- um.”
“Yeah. No. We’re in public, I should have-” Phil stuffed his hands into his pockets. “So, uh, Starbucks?”
“Starbucks,” Dan agreed, gesturing for Phil to lead the way.
“Right,” Phil said, heading down the street. Dan followed. “What are you planning to get?”
Dan shrugged. “Whatever you get. You’re the expert.”
“Well, I haven’t actually decided what I’m getting yet,” Phil explained.
“Oh really? What are the frontrunners?” Dan asked.
Phil spent the rest of their walk explaining his various drink options, each sugarier than the last. “So I think maybe the caramel macchiato. Maybe? I can’t decide.”
Dan interrupted before Phil could go through his list again from the beginning. “You should get the caramel macchiato.”
“You think so?”
“I think so,” Dan confirmed, opening the door to the starbucks.
Phil bought their coffees, over Dan’s protests. “You’re the one who came to visit me,” he said. “Let me do this for you.”
Dan gave in. “I’ll buy you coffee if you ever come to Reading.”
“Deal.” Phil took a long sip of his coffee and let out a long, relieved breath afterwards. “So good.”
“The caffeine or the sugar?”
“Yes,” Phil said.
Dan took a sip of his own drink. It was good. Maybe not as good as Phil thought it was, but good.
“I’m trying to cut back on coffee,” Phil said mournfully. “I only had three cups this morning.”
Dan snorted. “Only three?”
“Yes.” Phil stared glumly at his already half empty cup of coffee.
Dan shook his head in mock sympathy. “You poor thing.”
Phil finished his coffee with disturbing speed. Dan did his best to keep up, but to avoid burning his tongue, he had to finish about ten minutes after Phil.
Phil’s tongue must be nearly burned off from how quickly he had
Dan should stop thinking about Phil’s tongue.
“Where do you want to go now?” Phil asked, saving Dan’s mind from going to some places it really shouldn’t be going right now.
“Can we just walk around for a bit?” Dan asked.
“Sure!” Phil was bouncing on his toes, already ready to move.
Dan wondered if he was as thrumming with nervous energy as Dan was. “Lead the way, then.”
Phil knew his way through Manchester better than he let on, pointing out a few shops and landmarks he recognized along their walk. “There’s so much to do here. We’ll have to come back sometime.”
Dan absentmindedly agreed. It was nice, the thought that this would happen again. That he could come back. That Phil didn’t seem to hate him yet.
Dan almost missed the apple store when they walked past, but he saw it out of the corner of his eye and stopped. “Wait,” he said, “I want to post a selfie.”
“Ooh,” Phil said. “Good idea.” He opened the door and gestured for Dan to follow him.
They got lucky when they were immediately able to snag a free laptop. Phil opened photobooth and messed with his hair in the camera. Dan did his best to straighten out his hair, and struck a pose.
Phil put on a (ridiculous) facial expression and took a photo.
Dan stepped up to take a look. “Wait,” he said, stepping back. “My hair looks wrong. Can we retake it?”
Phil rolled his eyes, but stepped back into his pose to take a new picture.
About 20 pictures later, they had finally taken one Dan was satisfied with. He logged into his dailybooth account quickly, doing his best to ignore the line of people growing behind him.
“There,” he said, pressing post and logging out of his account.
He did his best not to make eye contact with anyone in the line behind them as they left the apple store.
They found a bench in a nearby park and spent the next few hours people watching, making up stories about the people they saw.
“She’s in an unhappy marriage,” Dan whispered. “She’s having an affair with him.” He pointed to the man across the playground from her, where her daughter was playing.
Phil took a bite of the sandwich he had bought from a nearby cafe. “Does her daughter know?”
“Of course not, Phil. She’s like, five.”
“Just hoping for maximum drama,” Phil said around another mouthful of sandwich.
Dan grimaced. “Stop chewing with your mouth open. It’s gross.”
Phil swallowed. “Your mum’s gross.”
Dan hit Phil on the back. “Take that back.”
“You first.”
“No.”
“Then I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.” Phil looked almost sad.
Dan snorted. “Let’s disagree to disagree.”
“How does that work?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t put much thought into it yet.”
Phil laughed, taking the last bite out of his sandwich and brushing a few crumbs out of his lap.
Dan checked the time. “Is there anything else you want to do before we go back to your place?”
“Well,” Phil said. “I, uh. Have a reservation for after dinner.”
“A reservation?” Dan looked down at his clothes. He hoped it wasn’t too nice.
“The sky bar,” Phil said. “I don’t know if you know it, I’m sorry, I-”
Phil looked so anxious. “No,” Dan said, doing his best to sound reassuring. “It’s fine, just… unexpected.”
Phil smiled in relief. “We should get going if we’re going to make it on time.”
When they got to the sky bar, Dan looked at the menu and tried not to panic at the prices.
“I’ll pay,” Phil said quietly. “Don’t worry about it.”
That only made things slightly better.
Phil must have noticed that the worry didn’t fall from his face, because he tried to reassure Dan again. “Really, it’s fine. Get whatever you want.”
Dan nodded, but he scanned the menu for the cheapest items and ordered those anyway. Phil had just graduated uni; he wasn’t exactly rolling in money, and Dan didn’t want to feel like any more of a burden on him than he already did.
It didn’t matter. His drink tasted incredible.
“Is it alright?” Phil asked, still anxious.
“It’s perfect,” Dan said. It was. The sun was beginning to set, and the view from this high up was beautiful. The view next to him was even prettier.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, staring out the windows and watching the sun bathe everything in a warm, golden glow.
Dan reached for Phil’s hand under the table. Phil reached back.
***
It was dark when they boarded the bus back to Rossendale. The bus was nearly empty, but they chose two seats in the back, as far away from everyone else as possible.
“Busses are weird.” Dan yawned.
Phil giggled. “It’s not even late. Are you tired?”
Dan glared. “Shut up.”
Phil stuck out his tongue. “Make me.”
Dan hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt. “Shut up,” he managed to squeak out.
Phil sat back in his seat, smiling in satisfaction.
“Shut up,” Dan whined, poking him.
“You sound like a broken record. Do you say anything other than shut up?”
“Shut-” Dan stopped. “Yes,” he insisted.
Phil smirked. “Prove it.”
“I’ve said so many things other than shut up today.”
Phil shrugged. “If you say so.”
“I do.” Dan leaned back into his seat, trying to project confidence.
Phil shrugged again. “I believe you,” he said, with the air of someone who absolutely did not believe the person they were talking to.
Dan sighed, and changed the subject. “How long is the ride?”
“About half an hour, hopefully,” Phil said.
His train ride had been much longer than that. He could survive this. Especially with Phil with him.
“I met a boy on the train once, you know,” Phil said, startling Dan out of his thoughts.
Dan looked up, slightly confused. Why was Phil telling him about some other boy? “You did?”
“Yeah,” Phil laughed. “He was really cute, too. We spent the whole train ride talking, and it turned out he actually lived really close by. This was when I was in uni. But anyway, at the end, he asked me for my number, so I gave it to him, and then-” Phil paused to hide his face.
“Then what?” Dan asked, perplexed.
“I texted him,” Phil said, muffled.
“What’d you say?”
“I asked him if he was asking me out,” Phil said, still with his face hidden in his arms.
“Was he?” Dan asked, though he suspected the answer by now.
“No,” Phil whined, lifting his head up. “He wasn’t. He was straight.”
Dan couldn’t help a horrified giggle.
“It’s not funny,” Phil said, though a smile was starting to peek through his carefully composed sulk.
Dan wanted to stop laughing, he really did, but he just couldn’t. His giggle grew until it was the dumb hyena laugh he always felt self-conscious of, but with Phil sitting next to him, he didn’t mind.
Phil was starting to laugh a little bit too. He buried his head in Dan’s shoulder to hide it. “You’re the worst.” He landed a half-hearted punch on Dan’s ribs.
Dan just laughed harder. “That’s awful, oh my god.”
“So stop laughing!” Phil whined.
Dan finally managed to quiet his laugh. “It’s a good thing, though, really. Because now you have me instead of stupid bus boy.”
“You’re so much better than stupid bus boy,” Phil whispered, reaching for Dan’s hand to give it a quick, reassuring squeeze.
The warmth of his hands lingered even after they were gone.
***
Phil’s house was dark and quiet when they finally arrived. Dan didn’t know what else he had expected. Phil’s parents weren’t home; that was the whole reason he was visiting right now.
Dan declined politely when Phil asked if he wanted a full house tour, instead choosing to dump his backpack on Phil’s bedroom floor without asking first. He thought, halfway through doing it, that maybe he should have checked first, but Phil didn’t seem to mind, so he just left it.
Phil’s bedroom looked different than it did on Skype. Less grainy.
Phil dropped himself onto his bed, gesturing for Dan to follow him. “Wanna play some music?”
“Sure,” Dan said, sitting down next to Phil. “Queen, probably, it’s the least we can do to thank them for bringing us together.”
Phil laughed. “Not because they’re good?”
“No. Just because gay.”
“Freddie Mercury would be proud,” Phil said.
“He probably would be,” Dan admitted.
“What song?”
Dan thought about it a bit, chewing at the inside of his lip. “Somebody To Love,” he finally said.
Phil grinned. “Excellent choice.”
“Thank you,” Dan said, basking in the glow of Phil’s approval as the piano started playing. “I can play this on piano, you know.”
“You can?”
“Yeah. I can play most Queen songs.”
Phil tilted his head. “You’ll have to show me sometime.”
“But you don’t have a keyboard.”
Phil tilted his head. “Guess I’ll have to visit you sometime.”
Dan couldn’t help the nervous thrill that ran through his stomach. “A shame, really. You have no other option.”
“I’ll survive.”
Dan hummed along to the chorus.
Phil poked him. “Just humming? Coward.”
Dan startled. “What?”
“I want to hear you sing.” Phil’s eyes were twinkling with the slightest bit of mischief.
“No. Absolutely not.” Dan crossed his arms.
“Fine,” Phil said. “I guess I’m going to have to sing myself.”
“That’s almost worse,” Dan said.
Phil pouted. “I’m a great singer.”
“I’m sure.”
Phil began to sing along, his voice warbling.
“Shush,” Dan said. “I want to hear Freddie Mercury.”
Phil sighed, but switched to dramatically lip syncing instead.
“Much better,” Dan said, trying to control his facial expression so Phil couldn’t tell that he was being a little bit cute right now.
Phil’s performance was so over the top it was honestly funny, until he reached the end of the song. He sang along, softly this time, looking directly at Dan in a way that gave him goosebumps.
Dan couldn’t help but look away.
“How was my performance?” Phil asked.
“It was alright,” Dan said, leaning back on his elbows.
“Oh yeah?”
Dan sat back up. “Not too relatable, though.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve already found somebody to love,” Dan said, smiling at Phil.
“Really,” Phil said, teasing. “Who?”
Dan felt his cheeks warm. “You probably don’t know him. He goes to a different school,” he managed.
Phil laughed. “I like you too.”
Dan didn’t think it was even possible for his cheeks to be any warmer. “I guess you’re kind of cool too.”
“Shut up,” Phil said, pulling Dan closer.
“Make me,” Dan said.
“Okay,” Phil said, promptly kissing him.
Dan shut up for quite a while after that.
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jackiekashian · 3 years
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Dork Forest 2011-2020 Cheat Sheet
The votes are in for 2020! 
This is a list of Episode Numbers - Guest Name - Dorkdom.  I take votes for faves of the year and then add a couple for variety of topics that I really thought were fun. ALL THE EPS have something for someone and are great but here is a starter list if you’re thinking to start listening to TDF and are not a numerologist completest.
Note: show’s been going since 2006 but I’ve only been surveying since 2011.  The show is on all the platforms. Pandora, Spotify, YouTube. Start here if you like: www.dorkforest.com . Standup info and other podcast is at www.jackiekashian.com
2020 TDF EP 562 - Guy Branum - Mitford Sisters TDF EP 568 - Maria Bamford - Canadian Reality Shows TDF EP 599 - Jen Kirkman - Hallmark Christmas Movies TDF EP 565 - Darla Kashian – COOKING TDF EP 598 - Russ Kashian - Hallmark Christmas Movies TDF EP 549 - Tig Notaro – Veganism TDF EP 581 - Jenny Yang - Comfort Food TDF EP 591 - Amber Preston - Church Cookbooks TDF EP 574 - Ron Funches - Call of Duty and Animal Crossing TDF EP 577 - Barbara Holiday - Escape Rooms TDF EP 558 - Sarah Mowrey - Fleetwood Mac TDF EP566 - Matt Kirshen/Myq Kaplan - Advice Columns  TDF EP 595 - Kristin Key - Mad Libs TDF EP 576 - Robert Jenkins - Guns and Safety TDF EP 588 - Sofiya Alexandra - Wheel of Time books TDF EP 570- Jim Woster – Columbo TDF EP 573 - Robert Hurt - Babylon 5  TDF EP 550 - Danielle Perez - Mariah Carey TDF EP 583 - Dar Vendegna  - PIckleball  TDF SPOILER 3 - Andy & Jackie - Rise of Skywalker 
 2019 TDF EP 523 Lydia Popovich Dolly Parton TDF EP 511 Auggie Smith Dead Comedians TDF EP 535 Christopher Titus Prince TDF EP 530 Phil Kashian Hitchhiking TDF EP 532 Brian Posehn Heavy Metal TDF EP 549 Tig Notaro Veganism SP1 Endgame Spoiler Dork Out TDF EP 503 Wynter Spears Public Restrooms TDF EP 524 Sara Benincasa Frederick Law Olmstead TDF EP 529 Caitlin Gill Murder She Wrote TDF EP 545 Mary Becquet Chinese Ghosts Vampires TDF EP 525 Matt Oswalt Taking Pictures TDF EP 510 Gary Anthony Williams Birds TDF EP 531 Robert Hurt DS9 TDF EP 547 Thom Tran The Flash TDF EP 540 Brian Jacobovitz Cthulu RPGs TDF EP 515 Judith Stephen CosPlay TDF EP 528 Justin Hermann Heroscape TDF EP 538 Dave Ross Zelda and LINK TDF EP 544 Sharon Houston Netflix British Reality Shows TDF EP 505 Kat Burdick Next Generation TDF EP 509 Michelle Biloon NYT Crossowords
2018  TDF EP 487 Amy Miller - Dolly Parton TDF EP 471 Emma Arnold - BEES TDF EP 499 - Erin Foley - Hallmark Christmas Movies TDF EP 481 - Cheryl Jones - Maritime History TDF EP 471 - Andy Ashcraft - GenCon TDF EP 482 - Nato Green - Union Organizing TDF EP 473 - Tamra Brown - Tiki Bars TDF EP 493 - Nina Manni - Air and Hotel Points TDF EP 446 - Carlos Delgado - Great British Bakeoff TDF EP 495 - Alice Wetterlund - Sharks TDF EP 487 - Mark Waid - Superman TDF EP 454 - Open Mike Eagle - Wrestling  TDF EP 457 - Jean Grea - Ikea  TDF EP 447 - Gariana Abeyta - All Genres have Great Movies
2017 TDF EP 390 - Phil Kashian - LOTR and MY BROTHER TDF EP 422 - Steve Agee  - John Hughes Movies. Weird Science TDF EP 426 - Sara Schaefer - Cross Stitch  TDF EP 431 - Jenny Jaffe - Planners. Calendars. Stickers. All the things. TDF EP 405 - Rebecca Sugar - Musicals  TDF EP 438 - Jen Briney - freaking CONGRESS TDF EP 423 - Karen Rontowski - Moth Man TDF EP 401 - Jason Hatrick - Scuba diving  TDF EP 429 - Kyle Clark - Halloween Theme Parks TDF EP 417 - Nat Towsen - Speed Racer TDF EP 402 - Tyler Hinman - Escape Rooms TDF EP 428 - Solomon Georgio - Black Sitcoms TDF EP 403 - Hal Lublin - Saturday Night Live TDF EP 408 - Al Madrigal - Jack Reacher NOVELS TDF EP 435 - Wyatt Gray - HP Lovecraft TDF EP 442 - Doug Stanhope - getting naked and Leisure Suits TDF EP 404 - Julie Dixson Jackson - Geneology  TDF EP 427 - Lisa Allard – Quilting
2016 TDF EP 336 Jim Stewart Allen - Oregon Trail  TDF EP 383 Jenny Chalikian – Xena TDF EP 387 Caitlin Gill - Roald Dahl  TDF EP 358 Wil Anderson - Cricket TDF EP 359 Heather Simmons - Alice in Wonderland. TDF EP 340 Barbara Holm - Buffy the Vampire Slayer TDF EP 380 Beverly D’Angelo - things that Change your Life - Music, Places TDF EP 366 Karen Rontowski - Tarot Cards TDF EP 373 Stu Goldsmith - Boardgames with a STORY  TDF EP 364 Maria Bamford LIVE at JFL Montreal (Bandcamp)  2016 I really liked: TDF EP 385 Jenny Zigrino - Authentic Historical Costuming  TDF EP 347 Riley Silverman - The Potato. Mostly Frozen.  TDF EP 355 Ivan Van Norman/Andy Ashcraft - Zombies & pen/paper games TDF EP 341 Cathy Ladman - Knitting  TDF EP 349 Moon Zappa - The BIG questions TDF EP 368 Martha Kelly - Law and Order SVU TDF EP 367 Phil Johnson - Pirates TDF EP 362 Rory Scovel - Golf (quietly clap) TDF EP 339 Sovereign Syre - Spanish Invasion of Florida.  TDF EP 348 Dash Kwiatkowski - Superman TDF EP 338 TJ Chambers - Chess TDF EP 379 Michelle Thaller – SPACE! LIVE DC Drafthouse (Bandcamp)
2015 TDF EP 303 Matt Saxe – all Vice Presidents. TDF EP 298 Jason Klamm – Vice Presidents and Lego! TDF EP 312 Greg Proops at LA Podfest – 70s Movies TDF EP 320 Wil Wheaton – BEER and Boardgames TDF EP 287 Michelle McNamara – Robert Durst and more True Crime TDF EP 294 Retta – Purses. Handbags TDF EP 323 Chez Amanda – Xfiles. Finally. TDF EP 310 David Koechner – History dork! TDF EP 268 Tammy Pescatelli – Thrift stores and Vampires TDF EP 279 Brian Kiley – Presidential Biographic Minutia TDF EP 285 Ian Abramson – McDonald’s Land TDF EP 316 Breanna Conley – Old time Photo Booth collecting 2015 another 12 that I picked: TDF EP 329 Robert Hurt – Space Ships TDF EP 321 Ryan Stout – Injustice. AS USUAL. TDF EP 324 Suzy Soro – Ghosts. TDF EP 313 Danielle Radford – great “bad” movies TDF EP 305 Murray Valeriano & Monty Franklin – Surfin. TDF EP 269 Christian Brown, Roselle Hurley and Andy Ashcraft - LARPing TDF EP 271 Bridget Everett - Barry Manilow, Richard Simmons & Rudy TDF EP 273 Sean Crespo – DUNE TDF EP 284 Brian Upton - history and aesthetics of gaming TDF EP 293 Live at Bridgetown Branum, Kilgariff and Preston (Bandcamp) TDF EP 300 Amy Shira Teitel – SPACE TDF EP 325 Gail Carriger Live in SF – Anglophile. (Bandcamp)
2014 TDF EP 259 – Laraine Newman - Dubstep TDF EP 245 – Brittnee Braun - Cosplay TDF EP 249 – Brian Regan – Line Mentality TDF EP 215 – Robert Hack – Doctor Who TDF EP 264 – Joseph Scrimshaw – Star War Prequels TDF EP 227 – Emily Gordon – Breakfast around the world TDF EP 239 – Rhea Butcher – Back to the Future Movies TDF EP 260 – Jimmy Pardo – Chicago (the band) TDF EP210 – Corey Olsen – Tolkien TDF EP 258 – Emily Heller – ESM & HS Debate
2013 TDF EP 177 - Greg Proops - Ancient History TDF EP 172 – Janeane/Bamford - Beading/SuzeOrman TDF EP198 – Live Podfest w Kilgariff/Bamford/Anthony/Valeriano - Salad TDF EP 189 – Moshe Kasher - Religion TDF EP 199 – Michelle McNamara - True Crime TDF EP 203 – Ryan Stout - Traffic Court
TDF EP 150 – Gina Yashere - Ghosts/Elevators TDF EP 151 – Craig Shoemaker - Wizard of Oz TDF EP 207 –  Matt Mira - James Bond TDF EP 167 – David Huntsberger - Horses TDF EP 200 –  Andy Peters/Mike Schmidt - Wrestling TDF EP 190 –  Cameron Esposito - Lesbians TDF EP 202 –  Matt Weinhold/Dana Gould/ Shawn Sheridan - Halloween
2012 TDF EP 129 – Live with Michelle McNamara (True Crime) TDF EP 111 – Jim Gaffigan (obscure news personality) TDF EP 117 – Corey Olsen (TolkienProf) TDF EP 142 – Live with Retta, Rajskub, Kilmartin and Scovel TDF EP 94 – Mary Jo Pehl (reading and writing and more reading) TDF EP 133 – Kira Soltonovich (Korean Spas) TDF EP 113 – Jesse Schell and Andy Ashcraft (oh. Video Games) TDF EP 98 – Henry Phillips and Mike Phirman (Guitar Comedy and Music) TDF EP 139 – Joel Hodgson (ventriloquism) TDF EP 93 – Live with Ernie Cline (the 80s and Ready Player One) TDF EP 102 – Dan Telfer (Dinosaurs and science in general) TDF EP 108 – Al Madrigal (Sales and Cartoons) TDF EP 148 – Guy Branum - Canada TDF EP 95 – Live with Kevin Eastman (ninja turtles) TDF EP 97 – Rose Abdoo and John Matta (tiny tiny ART! And The Thing) TDF EP 99 – Asterios Kokkinos (Pokemon) TDF EP 100 – PF Wilson – (history of the various football leagues)  TDF EP 103 – Live with Andy Kindler (“indie” comic books) TDF EP 104 – Merrill Markoe (I feel like we talked dogs mostly)  TDF EP 110 – Patrick Brady (animation)   TDF EP 120 – Erin Foley (NY Giants) TDF EP 121 – Tom Franck (Art) TDF EP 130 – Lois McMaster Bujold (I dork out AT her. She talks writing) TDF EP 138 – Michael Everson (coding fonts for obscure languages)
2011 # 55 Greg Proops – Making Baseball interesting            # 67 Hardwick/Palascak – Harry Potter                       # 37 Karen Kilgariff  - Sandra Bullock                          # 16 Dana Gould – Planet of the Apes                         # 48 Aisha Tyler – girl on girl fandom                          # 24 Jen Kirkman/ Karen Rontowksi – ghosts/UFO                 # 49 Dana/James - HOLLYWOOD                                # 40 April/Vargus – TRIP TO MIDDLE EAST                                                   # 3 Madigan/Kilmartin – the KENNEDY’S  #42 Maile Flanagan/Yuri Lowenthal - Animation #50 Michelle McNamara – True Crime #30 Ed Brubaker / Kermet Apio – Comics #14 Thrilling Adventure Hour – so many things Origin Story – #69 Andy Origin Story - #71 Maria #73 Rich Sommer – Mad Men and Boardgames #77 Matt Weinhold/Ken Daly – Horror Movies #82 Chad Daniels/David Huntsberger – just hilarious #80 Bengt Washburn – Fine art #51 Andrew Solmssen - IT #28 Eric Drysdale - VIEWMASTER #58 Bees – uh, BEES #63 Perfume – and, PERFUME #44 Jim Coughlin – A4 Paper #91 Trains!    
NOTE Premium eps w/o iTunes:  Here’s how to download albums from Bandcamp:
1.    Download the .zip file from Bandcamp. 2.    Unzip the file to your Music folder. 3.    Rescan your Music folder. 4.    Open the music app and listen to your tunes.
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dvp95 · 4 years
Text
creator tag meme 2019!
Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!
thanks for the tag @obsessivelymoody & @waveydnp !!!
this is the first year since 2013 that i’ve felt in any way confident and motivated in my writing. a lot happened in my personal life in the years between then and now, and i don’t want to get into that. let’s just say that this is the first year i’ve felt safe and generally happy in a long, long time. i either haven’t written at all in those years or i’ve focused on one project for so long that it morphs into something else entirely (looking at you, don’t complicate it, which i started in early january of 2017 and didn’t post until june, and you can see me trying to catch up with their move and other aspects of their life as i desperately wanted to keep it canon compliant) but something about dnp being open with us and the community i found here really revved my engine (maybe too much? we know how close i got to actual burnout). i wouldn’t change it for the world.
boring intro over! let’s talk about the things i’m fucking proud of creating!
1. still the best, more or less
come on, you knew i’d say this. even though i’m taking a break from even thinking about amnesia au until it no longer makes me want to scream into a pillow, i can’t deny that this is the easiest decision on the list. i am so extremely happy with the way i took a trope that’s often overdramatized and turned it into something bittersweet and domestic, based in reality, and extremely personal to me. i really pride myself on writing complicated subjects in small, simple chunks, like hacking away at some marble until you as a reader can understand exactly what i’m conveying, and i think amnesia verse is the best example of that.
2. can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve
this is the longest thing i’ve ever written, and the speed that i wrote it is actually terrifying in retrospect (for me! i’m NOT a quick writer, usually!), but that’s not the only reason i’m so happy with this lil monster. what started as a really simple concept of, “hey, i bet that phil would have just posted that five second coming out video ages ago in a different timeline”, turned into something extremely sweet and surprisingly funny! i’m happy with the original characters i included and so thrilled with the pacing of how i handled dan’s acceptance of himself. it’s just.... my baby. this is my baby.
3. good for you, good for you
stepping outside my comfort zone for this one. i needed a lot of reassurance that i could do something shamelessly kinky, and i don’t really think i managed that - it’s absolutely smut, no question about it, and it’s shameless, but shameless in the way that things become when you trust your partner with everything about yourself. the give and take of control is so interesting to me in terms of dnp, and i would absolutely love to talk about it a bunch more!! i think i probably spent more time making this comfortable and full of communication than i spent making it sexy, but i’m happy with that breakdown. i don’t believe kink can exist without trust and communication, and i’m happy that it resonated with so many of you!
4. giving you my forever
this is probably the fluffiest of fluff, for me. obviously i had to be a little funny as well, because that’s where i’m most comfortable right now, but all the proposal fics from japhan content were making me so soft-hearted and i absolutely needed to get my own take in a google doc as soon as i possibly could. i had this whole concept in my head where phil was right, but then all the logistics came crashing down around my ears and i was like, y’know what would make even more sense? i don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it. give it a shot!
5. Memories (co-written with @intoapuddle)
i love puddle, i love working with puddle, and i love this story we crafted together in like three hours. reading it back, i’m really really happy with the way our styles work together. i don’t think it’s obvious when one of us started writing and when the other stopped, and honestly we barely edited it. i told puddle we were drift-compatible after this, and i think our affection for dnp and their nostalgia and banter was really able to shine through our styles complementing each other so well. ferris wheels, jokes you can’t help making, an undercurrent of Love in every action - this is good. we did good. you should read it.
thank you, if you read any of these or even read this far in the list, haha. i hope to make 2020 a more well-rounded year in terms of self care and balance, but i also hope to keep pushing myself outside of my comfort zone with things like collabs and kinks and multi-chapter slow burns. i hope you’ll stick around for it <3
i’d like to tag @karcathy, @chickenfreeblog, @intoapuddle, @jestbee, @judearaya, @throwing-roses-into-the-abyss, @blue-draws-dnp, @cactilads, @watergator, and @calvinahobbes!!!
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itsmyusualphannie · 4 years
Text
the demons that bring us together (1/5)
Chapter 1/5: between the wars (ao3) Beta: @yourfriendlyblogstalker Artist: @candanandphilnot Warnings: none for this chapter
Summary: Dan knew he should be doing his patrols of London, especially with Valentine still on the loose, but he gets sidetracked and when he goes to a downworlder cafe, he meets Phil. The warlock isn’t like most downworlders. He is kind and caring, and weirdly enough, attracted to Dan.
Author Notes: written for @phandomreversebang! i saw this prompt on claiming and probably gave my fingers friction burn as i frantically picked it. and then it turned out the artist was none other than cal, who if anyone ever reads my tags on their fics i reblog will know, i adore. we nerded out over shadowhunters together and then i did this wholeass thing. it was loads of fun and i hope you like it as much as i loved writing it!
check out the art for this fic here!!
next chapter
~~~
Dan was on the rooftop of a Tesco when he first saw the shadow.
He had been crouched here only for a moment, pausing to catch his breath after scaling the side of the building. He hadn't needed to climb the building, but going around the building, where there a considerable amount of pedestrian traffic, threatened his discovery. He wasn't visible to regular humans of course, with the glamour rune snaking its way around his left forearm, but there was still a chance that someone could bump into him and would be rudely startled by an invisible person. In any case, Dan liked the height. It afforded him a better view of the sprawling city around him, the buildings of various sizes and shapes, and the numerous people and vehicles making their way between them. Dan didn't try to focus on any individual person or item, although it wouldn't be that hard. The delicate lines of a farsighted rune on his temple allowed him hawk-like vision, giving him the ability to distinguish even the minute details of someone's expression from half a mile away.
Even without that rune, Dan likely would have seen the shadow in the alley beside Tesco, the tendrils of dark slipping around a pair of squat dumpsters. It trailed along the concrete wall and slithered across the empty alley, sliding around the corner out of sight.
Dan was on his feet in an instant, throwing himself across the length of the rooftop after the shadow with a recklessness that would have sent him plummeting to the ground two stories below if he wasn't protected by the massive equilibrium rune permanently etched across his back, allowing him perfect balance and a near-inability to lose his footing. The other building that the shadow had slipped around was across the alley, almost ten feet away, but Dan didn't hesitate before throwing himself into the air above the alley, landing with a thump of his lightly-padded boots and rolling to absorb the impact. He was up again in an instant, feet travelling swiftly along the edge of the rooftop. He moved far faster than the shadow had been moving, but by the time he reached the corner that it had slipped around, it was gone.
Dan wouldn't let that discourage him, though. He hadn't seen anything on patrol in weeks, and he wasn't planning on letting this get away from him now. He didn't know exactly what the creature was, or what it was planning, but any second that it was out in the mortal world, people - hunters, Downworlders, and mortal humans - were all in danger.
He grabbed the edge of the roof and flipped over it in a swift motion that sent his head whirling, but only for that instant. He fell, arms outspread to maintain his balance, and he landed solidly on the ground over thirty feet below. The impact jarred up his legs, but it was absorbed almost instantly by the power of the matching stamina runes on both of his thighs. He was off again, feet pounding against the ground as he sprinted down the pavement. There were only a few people back here in this narrow alley behind the main buildings, but he avoided them swiftly, dodging around each person walking toward or away from him. Not one of them noticed him - they were all mortals, after all, and Dan's glamour rune concealed him from anyone who was mortal. It wouldn't do to be noticed either on his patrol, where he regularly climbed the occasional building and jogged through alleys and down pavements, or on this high-speed chase.
It wasn't much of a chase if he couldn't see his prey, though. Dan didn't slow, his eyes keen as his gaze darted from one side of the alley to the other, but he didn't see a hint of movement that gave away the shadow he had seen. There was little chance that it had moved much faster than he had pursued, unless it had seen him. That...that was a possibility. Dan wasn't the most subtle person, after all.
But then, he hadn't seen anything in so long, even with the London forces scattered and bedraggled, that he was eager to hunt down whatever this was. He scanned every article of trash, every toppled bin, every doorway where the shadow might be lurking. His arms pumped at his sides, but his fingers twitched to grab the twin, narrow blades strapped to his sides. Although he had a collection of throwing knives stashed in various parts of his clothes, he was much better with hand-to-hand combat. Despite not having the familiar presence of his parabatai running beside him, Dan had no doubt that he could take down this creature with ease.
If he could fucking find it, that was.
He reached the end of the alley in another dozen long strides, skidding to a stop as he hesitated between the two directions where it branched away. His gaze skipped between them, and he weighed the merits of one over the other. The one to his left seemed to lead out to the open road, packed with helpless, mortal civilians, while the right fell further between tall buildings, dark and dank with shadows. Even his sharp vision couldn't make out all of the details in that one. Dan could only hope to guess the shadow's intentions, since he wasn't quite sure what it was exactly, but...he didn't think that even a creature this vile would be stupid enough to attack mortals yet. Twilight was falling, but the sun was still an hour above the horizon.
Dan's phone buzzed in his pocket, suddenly, and he was jolted from the intensity of his thoughts. It prompted him to move, and so he glanced one last time at the more brightly lit alley to his left, then he threw himself down the one to his right. His foot skidded on something wet, but he kept moving, regaining his balance with a flail of his arm. He didn't risk answering his phone right now. He needed both hands available in case he needed to grab his weapons. He didn't stop running, but he did slow on occasion when he passed a particularly dark section of the alley, glancing over it to make sure there was no movement. He ran, and ran, and ran, and even with his stamina runes, he was a little out of breath by the time he burst from the alley and out onto another main street.
He stopped then, before he ploughed over a woman pushing a dog stroller in front of her, and glanced back behind him at the alley. There was something ominous about it, but Dan did not think that anything living or demonic was inhabiting it now. He pulled in a deep breath, furious suddenly at his loss, and tugged out the phone that had been vibrating in his pocket for some time now.
"Hello?" he answered, voice raspy from his run and its disuse on his lengthy patrol. He hadn't spoken to anyone in over ten hours.
"Dan!" said a chirpy voice on the other end. His parabatai.
"Hi, Louise," he said.
"Just calling to check up on you," she said brightly. "I felt like a...rush of adrenaline or something through our bond. Everything good?"
Dan cast one last irritated glance at the alley behind him. "Yeah, I saw something, but it got away. I'm still looking."
"Where are you?" Her cheerful tone had sobered instantly. "I'm still on my patrol, but I can head that way right now."
Dan turned back to face the main street and his gaze travelled over the buildings. He sighed, something deep and weary. His patrol bordered the edge of an area where Downworlders lived, he knew that, but he hadn't realised that this alley led right to it. "I'm downtown. Don't worry about it, I think I've lost it for good. I'm going to look around, though."
Louise snorted, almost a laugh. "Don't antagonise any vampires."
"That was one time," Dan dismissed. He glanced to his left, where a bustling marketplace intermingled both mortals and Downworlders. This area looked like it was mostly wolves, although no human would be able to tell. Dan knew from his lifelong training how to spot the differences in their gait, their speech, their mannerisms, and he could spot the loping werewolves from a mile away. Here, he didn't have to - there were dozens of them along the pavements and ducking around humans and bustling in and out of shops.
"I'll call you if I need help," Dan said into his phone, and then he hung up and slipped it back in his pocket. He wasn't particularly interested in going into the marketplace, as he doubted the creature could have made its way in there with so many wolves and their keen noses, but - he looked to his right - ah, there was a quiet, snug bakery nestled right up against the alley. A side door, one that looked like it was some sort of employee entrance, was cracked open, a sliver of light spilling across the dark shadows of the alley. Dan's gaze narrowed in on it. It was a clear invitation for anything to slip through.
Dan resisted his own temptation to slide through the door and instead went around to the front of the building. He couldn't see any mortals inside, so he didn't bother removing his glamour rune - any downworlders inside would be able to see him, anyway.
The door tinkled with a bright welcome as he pushed it open and stepped inside, and Dan had to blink at the sudden light inside that assaulted his vision. It was cosy, with a dozen round tables with chairs, a long counter with displays of pastries and breads, a range of coffee machines and devices that Dan was vaguely sure were some sort of torture instruments, and a few scattered customers. It was silent inside, that sort of dead air that made it obvious that everyone had just stopped talking as Dan entered.
The silence was broken a moment later, though, as a tall, dark-haired man stood up from where he'd evidently been crouched behind the counter. He wore a bright pink apron with ruffles over a sinfully tight blue shirt, crooked glasses, and an easy smile that he directed toward Dan.
"Hi!" he said. "Welcome to the Mage Cave."
Dan hurt inside a little at the name. It was horrible. It was evident that it was named for a reason, though, as Dan could see in the next instant as the man behind the counter waved a hand at one of the coffee machines. Sparks of blue and yellow sputtered from his hands, and the coffee machine reluctantly began spurting a steady stream of coffee into the glass container beneath it. He was a warlock, then.
"What can I get for you?" said the warlock, still beaming at Dan. He clearly knew what Dan was, as his gaze travelled briefly to the runes visible on Dan's forearms, neck, and temple, but his smile didn't falter. And he'd just used visible magic in front of Dan, so he didn't seem intimidated in the slightest by Dan's status as a Shadowhunter.
Dan glanced at the other patrons in the shop, who casually looked away from him and returned to their quiet conversations as if he hadn't caused any sort of interruption. They were all clearly werewolves. Dan thought wryly that this barista could probably call the shop 'Wolf Cafe' and it would still ring true.
He crossed the cafe in a few long strides, stopping before the counter and the light gaze of the warlock. He glanced up at the menu hanging above his head, etched in what looked like handwriting but was clearly drawn with magic. The edges were cut a little too sharp, too clean for a hand to have etched it. He barely looked at the options before deciding. "I'll get a caramel macchiato with almond milk. Large iced, please."
"Coming right up!"
Dan saw the scrawled name on the warlock's name badge just before he turned away to make the drink.  Phil :)  it said. He watched as the barista moved quickly behind the counter, hands nimble as he prepared the drink. He didn't hesitate to use his magic, fingers flicking with quick movements at various ingredients to pull them closer to himself in a flurry of colourful sparks. Dan was well aware that he should be keeping an eye on the other occupants of the shop, but somehow he couldn't look away from the warlock. He was lean, but his arms were still corded with muscle, visible through the taut sleeves of his too-tight, bright blue shirt. The shirt was a crime to fashion, Dan decided, but it didn't look bad at all on this guy.
"Here you are," said Phil as he returned to the counter and slid the drink to Dan. His smile was bright and Dan noted the way he let his fingers linger against Dan's. "That'll be three pounds."
"Not a bad price," Dan commented as he pulled his phone from his pocket again and used it to pay for his drink at the machine reader. "You get a lot of business?"
"Sure," the warlock agreed amiably. "Not too much, but enough to keep running."
As if this Phil needed customers to keep his business running. Dan was quite sure that it was just a hobby, something to pass the time. He'd seen a few other warlocks take up such interests when they were bored, or even just a front for their underground potion or magic business. Dan forced himself not to think about that, though. He wasn't here to search for information about this warlock.
"Need your receipt?"
"Nah." Dan waved it away. "Save the environment and all."
Phil eyed Dan's visible runes sketched onto every available body surface. "Yeah," he said, clear amusement evident in his tone. He hit a few buttons on the till. "All right, you're good to go. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
Dan cast a swift glance over his shoulder. None of the wolves in the shop was paying attention to them - that he could tell, anyway. He was sure their ears were pricked for anything he would say. In fact, he was counting on it.
"Actually, yeah." Dan faced the warlock and nodded severely. "As I'm sure you know, the Institute has a few patrols near this area. Mine is one of them."
"Hmm," said Phil, nodding as Dan talked. He wiggled his fingers and a mug swirled into existence, accompanied by a clash of blue sparks. He raised it to his lips and took a casual sip, and Dan couldn't help but notice the gleaming rings on almost every one of his fingers.
“I caught a glimpse of a shadow demon, and although I’m not sure of the type, it looked dangerous. It’s certainly fast, since I couldn’t catch up to it, and I'm pretty sure it came this way." Dan was only half-sure that Phil was listening, with the absent way that the warlock was bobbing his head, but he continued regardless, "So I just wanted to warn you and the other Downworlders here. If you see anything or even suspect something is hanging around, I'd appreciate it if you let me know so I can take care of it."
Phil set his mug down on the counter, and his rings clicked quietly against the ceramic as he did so. "I'll definitely do that," he said, almost casual, but his eyes were sharp. "But I can guarantee you that it didn't come in here. I can tell you're thinking it."
Dan had been thinking it, and he didn't particularly care if Phil knew it. He just shrugged. "Your back door was open."
The warlock waved a dismissive hand. Light sputtered from his hand and, from the back, Dan could hear a door slam shut. "It's fine," he said. "My wards wouldn't even let a rat in within my knowledge, much less an entire shadow demon."
"Your wards wouldn't happen to extend beyond this shop, would they?"
Phil's gaze was keen as he lifted his mug and took another drink. "No," he said. "Too much effort."
Dan greatly suspected that the mug had been conveniently lifted at that exact moment in order to hide a smirk. He wasn't sure what the warlock was hiding, but it could be a number of things. He didn't think it was an entire demon, though. Despite warlocks' half-demon parentage, Dan had never met one who would actually work together with a demon.
Dan also greatly suspected that he wouldn't be getting anything else from Phil. Although downworlders, in general, would work with the hunters if necessary for protection from demons, they didn't go out of their way to help out. Phil wouldn't be any different.
"Well," said Dan, "thanks for the help and the drink." He tipped the icy beverage at Phil, who raised his own mug in reply.
"Anytime," said Phil, and this time he didn't raise the mug quite fast enough to hide his wide smile.
Dan briefly wondered how much trouble he would get into for punching a warlock. It probably wasn't worth it.  Probably. He turned to leave, slipping a glance to the wolves still slumped over their drinks at the various tables. One had been openly watching him, and quickly looked away, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. Good. If they'd all been listening, then they'd all be on the alert for anything suspicious hanging around.
Dan left the shop, the bell tinkling again, and headed back down the pavement toward the alley he'd come from. He considered tossing the drink, almost unwilling to drink the concoction with whatever potions or magic the warlock may have imbued into it, but he didn't want to waste an entire macchiato, so he raised it to his lips and took a short sip. It was good. Surprisingly so. He hummed and continued on his way, resolving to toss it before he got back to the Institute. His patrol was almost over, after all, so he might as well head back and report what he'd seen. The shadow was long gone, but Dan suspected it was still nearby.
Phil was also suspicious, Dan decided, and he would need to return at some point to check up on him. It had nothing to do with the broad stretch of his shoulders beneath that shirt, or his crooked smile, or the wrinkles that sunk around his eyes when he looked at Dan. It was purely business.
Dan took another gulp of his macchiato. Damn, it really was good.
~~~
next chapter
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shookethbrooketh · 5 years
Text
schrödinger’s cat
phil tried to take a deep breath, but he couldn’t manage. he tried to calm down, but the truth of the matter was that anything could have happened. there could have been a bombing, and the world around him could already be descending into war. It was schrödinger's cat; he had no memory of what had happened, and therefore everything, including the possible worst case scenario, had happened until he knew otherwise.
summary: it’s july of 2019, and dan and phil are headed to vidcon. everything has been absolutely amazing for the two of them since they ended their hiatus, and they’re ready to jump into the next stage of their lives...until a reckless driver destroys everything they had in store. suddenly phil is left completely alone to cope with the loss of his soulmate, and all he has left is the dark void of his own mind. dan’s the only thing that can help him, and he’ll find him, even if he has to get some wings first. 
genre: realism gone wrong, angst
warnings: major character death, suicide, car accident, hospital/doctors, funeral
word count: 4.6k
written for the @phandomreversebang ! inspired by the lovely art by @penisdinosaur ! beta’d by @i-havent-slept-in-days !
a/n: this fic is, by no means, meant to glorify suicide. however, it is quite dark especially near the ending, and the outlined way of thinking is EXTREMELY dangerous and unhealthy, so if you think that by any means this story may trigger you, PLEASE don’t read it!! i don’t want anyone to get hurt by my writing <3 please please please use discretion !! 
read it on ao3!
“Hurry up, Phil! We’re gonna miss ANOTHER flight!” Dan called from down the stairs. They were on their way to VidCon, and they didn’t want a repeat of the last time they flew out to Cali in 2017.
“Just our luck with Cali, I suppose,” Phil said, finally running from his room, suitcase dragging behind him, and planting his feet beside Dan’s. 
“You’re ready now? Haven’t forgotten your passport?” Dan asked.
“I think I should be asking you that one,” Phil said. Each of them pulled their passports from their pockets, clinked them like wine glasses, and headed for the stairs. The rush for the airport gate had already begun; Phil didn’t doubt that this would be another incident in which they barely caught the plane. He’d lost track of the times he and Dan had run up to a gate while it was closing, like in the movies. It was certainly anxiety-inducing, but the two of them were fairly calm. They’d had a great break from working hard on YouTube, but there were certainly some things about it that they’d missed, so they were excited to get back to public life. Meeting fans was one of the things they’d missed the most, so VidCon was a great start. 
When they finally reached the pavement outside their flat, Phil took one look at the taxi waiting for them and realized he’d forgotten his phone charger. “Shit!” he shouted, dropping his suitcase, turning on his heel, and making his way back to the flat.
 Behind him, Dan did a double take before groaning and following him. “What now?” 
“I forgot my charger! Why’d you follow me anyway? You could have stayed downstairs,” he said as he reached the door. He felt frantically around his pockets before turning to Dan, who was daintily holding the keys to the flat on one finger. 
“If I thought you’d have remembered your keys, I’d be kidding myself.” By now the taxi driver downstairs was viciously honking at them to hurry up, and both of them knew they were nearing the point of abandonment.
“This is NOT the time!” Phil replied, disappearing into the flat. He came out a moment later holding both Dan’s keys and his own, and, of course, his charger. 
They barrelled down the stairs, each of them nearly falling multiple times, and finally reached the bottom, out of breath after their third trip. Without pausing to talk, they grabbed their luggage and dashed outside. They hadn’t noticed until then that the honking had ceased, but it was clear why; another couple had gotten into their taxi, and it was driving back into traffic. 
“Oh, you have got to be shitting me!” Dan shouted, throwing his keys on the ground. 
Phil calmly bent down and picked them up, handing them back to him before pulling out his own phone. “I’ll call for an Uber,” Phil said dejectedly. Missing the cab was new territory, even for them. 
Luckily, the Uber arrived only a few minutes later, and they were optimistic about catching their plane. Their first event was a little earlier this year, so they certainly didn’t have time to catch another. They threw their things into the trunk and clambered into the Uber, panting a bit as they settled in. “Heathrow,” Phil spat out, and the driver took off. They leaned back against the seats and each took a deep breath. 
“Hey,” Dan said, “we’re gonna make it. Now’s our time to just rest.” They brushed their hands against one another and glanced up at the driver; they knew there was a certain amount of caution to be taken when out in public, even if with only one other person. 
When they looked up, they saw the driver applying lipstick in her mirror. They exchanged concerned looks, and Phil’s entire soul filled with anxiety as he sunk back so far into his seat that he felt as if he was going to disappear. 
“Uh, ma’am?” Dan spoke up shakily, leaning from the passenger side over to her seat. “Are you sure you’re able to drive safely while you’re doing that?” 
“Don’t worry about it,” she said carelessly while nearly running a red light. The light luckily turned green the moment she reached it, but it was clear that she wasn’t intending to stop. 
“I’m not completely su-” 
“Listen, bub,” she said, turning back to look at him, “I know how to drive a damn car.” 
She continued on as the two of their mouths fell wide open. “Oh my God, keep your eyes on the road!” Phil shouted. His breathing began to speed up, and it was evident that he would have a breakdown if something wasn’t done. 
Dan immediately took notice. “Phil, are you okay?” he said quietly enough that she couldn’t hear.
“I’m a professional!” she yelled back, drawing both their attention, and it seemed there was nothing they could to do prevent the screaming match that had commenced. 
Phil turned his head back to face Dan, sporting a face of helplessness. Quickly, though, his eyes caught the movement behind him. They had entered another intersection, and a car was headed right for them. “Dan!” 
~~~
Phil’s eyes blinked open to a sterile, dark, and empty room. He looked around for a moment, confused, and suddenly bolted upright. “Shit!” His hands immediately flew to his head. “Ah!” His head felt as if so much blood was rushing to it that it was going to explode. He slowly laid back into his bed and fumbled around for the bed’s remote; he finally found it, head throbbing, and pushed the call button. 
Within a few seconds, a nurse was in his room. “Oh, good, you’re awake,” he whispered. 
“Why-Ow!” Phil winced as he tried to speak before giving up. “What the hell kind of hangover is this?” he whispered. 
“It’s not a hangover; you have a concussion.” He looked at Phil’s face and sighed. “You don’t remember, do you?” 
Phil tried to think, but it only worsened his headache. “We were going to VidCon. What happened? We’re supposed to be in America. We… Where’s Dan?”
The nurse pursed his lips. “Your family should be here soon.” 
“What-” he whisper-screamed, but the nurse was leaving. “Hey!” he used a normal voice, and his head was throbbing, but he didn’t care. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he shouted, but to no avail. The nurse was gone, and his heart was pounding just as hard as his head. What had happened to them? 
He closed his eyes and tried to think back to whatever accident must have happened to land him in that bed. They were taking a cab to VidCon. No, they were taking an Uber. They missed the cab. In any other circumstance, Phil would have laughed at their mistake. Now, it felt like a clue in a murder case. 
They were in the Uber, and that was where the story ended. It was as if he just passed out and somehow ended up in the hospital. His memory flat lined in the middle of the London streets, and everything was completely normal. That, though, couldn’t possibly be true; if it was, Dan would be standing beside him and holding his hand. 
One of the most troubling parts, at that point, was that his memory was failing him. Phil knew there was more to the story, but he couldn’t remember it. Tragedy had struck, and he didn’t even know how. He couldn’t even manage to remember something that he could tell deep down had changed his life forever. 
Phil tried to take a deep breath, but he couldn’t manage. He tried to calm down, but the truth of the matter was that anything could have happened. There could have been a bombing, and the world around him could already be descending into war. It was Schrödinger's Cat; he had no memory of what had happened, and therefore everything, including the possible worst case scenario, had happened until he knew otherwise. Tears he didn’t take notice of rolled down his cheeks, and the heart monitor beside him sped up with each breath. 
At that moment, Phil’s parents rushed in, with his brother Martyn in tow. They saw him panicking and Martyn shouted, “Phil, are you okay?” 
Suddenly everything around him slowed to a stop. His brother’s words reverberated in his head until the voice changed to Dan’s. He closed his eyes, and he saw the inside of a car. He saw a driver, one who chose to look back at them rather than driving. He heard screaming, and every bit of it shot pain through his head, but he couldn’t even think of pulling himself out of what he could only describe as his nightmare. He turned to Dan, and the two made eye contact. They were both hopeless, stuck in a dangerous situation they had no way out of; yet, when Dan saw Phil, his face seemed to soften just a little. Super best friends and soulmates, until the end. 
Phil’s eye caught a car speeding towards them; they were running a red light, and the other driver was paying no more attention than theirs. Before he had time to react, the car was smashing into Dan’s side of the car. He screamed, and he remembered the scream, but he couldn’t hear it; by now he couldn’t hear anything at all. He could simply see Dan’s body collapse towards his as he was thrown back against his window. All went black, and he opened his eyes to his concerned family standing around his hospital bed. 
“He’s gone, isn’t he?” 
They nodded, and he closed his eyes once again. 
~~~
“Get plenty of rest, and don’t look at any screens for the next week unless you absolutely have to, and after that, only use them in moderation. Nothing too strenuous, alright?” 
“Mhm,” Phil nodded. It had been a couple days since the accident, and since he only had a concussion, they were releasing him. Really, he felt as if they probably should have just transferred him to the mental ward, but he didn’t say anything. He hadn’t said much at all since he found out about Dan. 
The Lester family was collectively worried about Phil seeming to have gone mute, but they also clearly wanted him to have time to grieve. They were just as shocked as he was. 
When they made it back to the flat, the family made it clear that they wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. Phil wanted to complain, but he didn’t feel like opening his mouth. Normally, it would have made him feel at least a little bit of comfort, but comfort didn’t seem feasible without Dan. 
Phil’s family set him up in his old room set (they assumed it would be too painful for him to lie in the room where he usually slept with Dan) with a stockpile of books and went to watch tv, promising to check in on him periodically. Phil was about as satisfied as he could have been, and he tried to read, but his brain was too scattered, and he found himself forgetting what he’d read by the time he finished the chapter. “Stupid concussion,” he muttered to himself, his voice a bit raspy from not speaking. Instead he chose to rest his eyes; the doctor did say to rest, and he was pretty sure he’d read that sleep is good for concussions. 
Before he could doze off, though, he heard what sounded like traffic. Sure, he was in London, but he was confident he’d never heard traffic that loud; it sounded as if he was right on the street. He opened his eyes to search for a source, and suddenly he saw himself in a car. Confused, he looked around and saw Dan sitting beside him. In front of them was their Uber driver from a few days before. 
“Oh, no,” Phil breathed, “no, no, no. Dan, we need to get out of here,” he said, turning to Dan, but he couldn’t hear. “Dan!” he shouted, reaching out to shake his arm, but his hand went straight through Dan’s skin. All the life breathed out of him as he realized there was nothing he could do. He tried to hurl himself from this horrible vision, but nothing worked. Even closing his eyes just sent him a level deeper into this hell. As the car approached them, Dan turned to Phil, and he knew the line. “Phil, are you okay?” He could already hear it in his head, but when Dan’s mouth opened, he said something completely different. 
“If only you’d have remembered your charger.” 
“Phil?” He lurched forward out of what he suddenly realized was a dream, but the feeling it left in him lingered. Martyn was standing over his bed, visibly worried. What a surprise. “Are you alright?” 
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Phil said, monotone. 
“Are you sure? You looked like you were in pain.” 
“Nope, head’s fine.” 
Martyn stood still for a moment, seeming to contemplate this, before sitting at the foot of Phil’s bed. It was like his older brother was pretending to be his father, and he didn’t care for it. “Well, I guess this is a good time to have a talk, then.” 
“About what?” Phil spurted out, a bit of a harsh undertone hiding in his words. 
“I know you can’t have your phone for a while, so I just wanted to ask you if you wanted me to say anything to the press. Obviously nobody’s said anything yet, and your entire fanbase is currently worried sick, given that you’re supposed to be doing panels at VidCon right now.” 
Phil just sort of stared at him for a moment. Why would he ever want Martyn to tell the media what happened to Dan? Schrödinger had come back to haunt him again; he knew that these people had no idea what had happened. Only Phil, their families, and the people involved knew. The entire world was left in the dark, and, to them, Dan was still alive. Even that simple of a thought was the only thing that gave him comfort. “No. I’ll announce it myself when I’m better.” 
“Are you sure? People are really w-” 
“I’ll do it myself,” he barked, cutting off his brother. 
Martyn jumped back a bit. “O-okay, Phil. I hope you feel better soon.” 
“Thank you,” he said sternly as Martyn left the room. Phil smiled for the first time since he’d found out that Dan was gone. It was difficult, but Phil managed to crack that smirk solely because he knew that even though he was really gone, to the world, Dan was lying right beside him. 
~~~
Phil couldn’t sleep that night, or the next night, or the night after that. Every time he dozed off, he dreamt of Dan’s violent death. Some dreams reenacted the real event, but others reimagined a whole different maiming; the only thing that stayed consistent between them all was that Phil was somehow to blame. 
That mindset carried into his waking hours as well; the only thing that remained constant in his head was the knowledge that he was at fault. If he had just remembered his damn charger, or just given it up and shared Dan’s, they would have caught their cab, and they never would have been in the Uber with that irresponsible driver. If it weren’t for Phil’s own stupidity, Dan would still be there. 
Phil stayed closed off from his family as well. They stayed in his living room, they brought him food, and they tried to interact with him as much as possible, but he’d never say a word in response. They tried to console him, but he felt nothing. They tried to joke with him, but Dan had taken Phil’s sense of humor with him when he left. Nothing was working. 
Really, Phil felt nothing at all. He hadn’t particularly realized it, but Dan had truly been his person. Dan had been the one person who filled him with all the feelings there were to feel, and in departing he sucked them right back out. He wasn’t sure he ever would feel again--not without Dan. 
But, in his mind, he deserved it. It was his fault. 
And that was never going to change.
Time continued to pass, and Phil’s concussion healed. He was able to use screens again, and he was allowed to aid in planning Dan’s funeral. He chose not to, but he knew the date was set for a few days ahead, and he did everything he could to ignore it. He tried to watch funny videos, but nothing made him laugh. He tried to watch something sad, but he couldn’t even cry. He just wanted to feel something, anything, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t feel anything while he was apart from Dan. 
The screens were his last hope. He thought that maybe he’d feel something when he had access to the Internet, to the world he’d built with Dan, but not even seeing the two of them together gave him back any feeling. He still couldn’t bear to tell the world what had happened, and he internally decided he never would. His body felt completely empty, and he’d resolved himself to the fact that it would until he met Dan again. 
 He even began to hallucinate, seeing himself in black and white whenever he looked in a mirror. He was a disaster as well, but all he really noticed was the lack of color. He fantasized that when he saw Dan again, they’d touch, and color would drain back into him. Everything would be okay again, but not without Dan. 
He needed Dan. 
~~~
The day of Dan’s funeral finally came, and Phil’s family helped him get ready. Phil was a bit brighter by then, or at least he appeared to be. The inside of his head was as dark as ever, and as he looked in the mirror, he still saw a black and white body putting on the all black suit, but everyone else saw color, and that was all that mattered. 
By the time they were done with him, he looked socially acceptable, and he was ready to leave. The empty shell that used to be Phil Lester droned along to the funeral home, and the visitation began. He stood there, barely paying any attention as people came and went. Few were allowed; the public would find out if too many were there. Phil didn’t care about any of them anyway; they were mostly relatives of Dan’s who Dan himself could barely stand. Phil knew Dan deserved more people at his damn funeral, but he didn’t care anyway. He was dead, and Phil was practically dead as well. 
Phil hadn’t a clue how long he’d been sitting in the front pew beside the casket when someone approached and put his hand on his shoulder. “We’re going to leave you two alone,” said Dan’s mother, giving him a grim smile before turning to leave. Phil gave no response, but he soon found that he was alone with the casket.
Schrödinger was back for a third time. As he stood overtop of the wooden box, to him, it was empty. He couldn’t see inside, and therefore he chose to believe it was empty. He knew that if he opened it his theory may change, but he had no way of knowing until he did, and so he wouldn’t. He hadn’t seen Dan since they were in the car, and he didn’t plan to. Not until he could truly be with him. 
Dan would be livid to know that his funeral was in a church. He’d be livid to know that they were burying him instead of cremating him as well, but Phil didn’t have the heart to step into the process and vocalize those concerns. He was surprised, at this point, to find that he had a beating heart at all. 
It was at that point that he felt the first feeling he’d felt since he learned about the accident: longing. He felt an overwhelming urge for the only closure he’d ever have, for the ability to be with Dan, even if for a moment, and even if he wasn’t really there. So it was then that he reached in and opened the casket. Within was Dan’s body, his face covered in makeup to look him look less pale and grey. In reality, Phil looked the same while he was alive, so there wasn’t much of a point in that. 
Suddenly, Phil felt like a human juice box. He didn’t know there was anything left inside him, but the image of Dan, lifeless in a casket, sucked out the very last of his feelings, and he knew he didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t wait any longer; he needed to be with Dan. 
~~~
Food piled up on the counter as Phil cheerily wished family goodbye. Had he any feeling left, he would have hugged them extra tight to say a long goodbye, but he couldn’t even bring himself to do that. As they all left, he looked at all the meals they’d prepared for him. They’d left at least a week’s worth of food for him to eat while he grieved; it was a shame, really. He knew he would have chuckled at the irony had he cared. 
“Don’t do this, Phil.” He turned on his heel and saw Dan standing in front of him, bright, white angel wings protruding from his back. 
“Dan,” he breathed out desperately, and broke out in a run towards him. He threw his arms around him, but quickly found that there was nothing to throw his arms around at all. 
“I’m sorry I can’t be there, but you can’t do this. So many people depend on you.” 
“Bullshit. I’m not strong enough for them,” Phil said, turning back down the hall and heading for their kitchen. “Not without you.” 
“Yes, you are,” Dan said, materializing again in his way. Phil simply walked right through him. “Think of the example you’re setting.” 
“What fucking example?” he exclaimed, throwing his arms up and bringing them back down to unsheathe a sharp knife from their block. “You were the example. What kind of example would I be if I just fucking sit here and let people down because I can’t even feel emotion without you?” 
“A better example than you would be if you do this! Everything we’ve done together has been to help other people stay alive. Don’t you remember? I’m so glad I failed. I was able to do so much. You know this story, and you were one of its greatest supporters; you can’t be turning against that and becoming selfish enough now to do this. This isn’t you, Phil.” 
“No, it’s not,” Phil replied, storming angrily down the hallway towards their bedroom. Their real bedroom. “I took that away from myself when I took you away from me.” 
“That wasn’t your fault.” 
“Yes, it was. I need to be with you, Dan; I need to finish what I fucking started.” 
“How do you even know this is me?” Dan pleaded as Phil settled himself on their bed. It was the first time he’d been in the room since they’d left for VidCon, and somewhere in him, it made him feel pain. “You don’t believe in the afterlife, and you know I sure as hell don’t. Why do you think this will get you to me in the first place?” 
“Oh, Dan,” Phil said almost whimsically, tracing the knife with his pointer finger, “I can tell it’s you. Nobody else loves me this much, not even my own psyche.” 
“What about Schrödinger? Until you’re here, I’m both here and not here. What if you made the wrong guess? Either is equally possible, even if you think you know what the truth is. Are you really willing to take that risk?” 
To add to the list of firsts, for the first time since the accident, Phil laughed, cupping his hands around the handle of the knife. “Not even Schrödinger can save me now.” 
He plunged the knife into his stomach, and a sigh of relief escaped as the physical pain rushed through his body. It was the only true feeling he’d felt since he’d found out Dan was dead, and something about it was almost comforting--no, it was comforting. He felt warmth rush through his body, and he finally, genuinely smiled as he saw Dan materialize in front of him again. He knew Dan was still just ouch of reach, but as life drained from him, he reached out nonetheless. 
“I love you.” 
All went dark, and he felt himself being pulled from his body. He felt as if he was floating, and images began to take shape in a cylinder around him. He sees Dan, but much younger and through a computer screen. It’s their first Skype call. To the right, he sees the first time they met. He watches as they run up to each other and embrace, and feeling begins to seep back into him. Every image he sees brings a little bit more feeling back to him as he floats higher and higher away from the misery of a world without his soulmate. He watches as he and Dan move in with each other, as they move to London, as they become radio hosts, and as they navigate success. He watches as they create a whole world of their own within the shitty world they were placed into, and he watches as they mold that world into a happy place not only for them but for others. He watches them write two books and travel the world twice, he watches them film Dan’s coming out video, and, finally, one last time, he watches the accident that took Dan away from him. 
But that didn’t matter anymore. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, quite literally, and Phil was approaching it. As he reached the top, he felt tears pouring from the turquoise eyes he wasn’t even sure he had anymore. Suddenly, he was engulfed in bright, white light, and he was sitting on a cordial stone wall. None of that mattered, either, because he saw Dan right in front of him. Speechless, he let Dan start.
“I’m so mad at you.” 
Before he could even respond, Dan knelt down in front of Phil and wrapped his arms around his neck. It was like a transfer of energy; as soon as Dan touched him, and he could finally really, truly touch him, Phil ironically felt completely alive again. Still without words, Phil shakily reached forward and cupped Dan’s cheeks before falling into a kiss. He was completely helpless, left to collapse into Dan’s arms, but he was okay with that. The two of them were together again, and that was all that mattered. 
Dan slid his hands down to Phil’s back and pulled away, leaving Phil’s hands sitting idly on his face. When Phil looked down at him, he saw that he was crying as well. Phil laughed, expelling more tears of joy from his postearthly ducts. “You lied. You look amazing in white.” 
Dan laughed back at him, a sound he knew all too well how much he’d missed. The two of them simply remained there for a moment, smiling in each other’s presence, before Dan stood back up. “Hey, Phil?” he said, holding his hand out to Phil. 
“Let’s go home.” 
36 notes · View notes
dramaphan · 4 years
Note
Do you know what is funny to me?? Whenever anything happens in dan and phil’s life, soon, like literally almost instantly there’s a lot of fan art about it and fanfics written about it as well. Like, when they went to japan last year in less than 2 days there were already fanfics about it. When Phil’s ligeshows are over, almost instantly there’s fan art about it. It always gets me. Some People literally lives for this fandom and put so much of themselves in it. Can’t relate.
The utter speed of the fan art baffles me. Like these detailed, super well done pieces of actual art that get posted like immediately after a live show. Do you hear Phil say something and immediately start to draw? How are y’all That Talented while also being That Fast? I really do not get it.
And like, I’m not against fan art or fanfiction at all, (unless it’s otherwise problematic, which most of it isn’t.) but it truly astounds me how fast people can crank that stuff out. Like, I’ve got shit to do, man. I haven’t got the time. What do y’all do with your day?
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cactiphan · 5 years
Text
Phil Lester, The Spy who Shagged me. (Part Five)
(the real one, not a April fools joke)
Summary: Phil takes Dan back to his apartment in England before their mission the next day, spending the day being loving and cuddly.
Genre: Spy Fic/smut
Word Count: 3k
Warnings:  Smut, Fluff, Cute Stuff, very fluffy smut, Love making, crying, crying in the shower, comfort, soulmates, mention of weapons and guns. 
Important! Please do not remove tags and or Tag d+p into seeing this, please don’t repost :)
Read From Beginning On AO3!
The jet arrives at the airport sometime between 3, and 5 am. Dan was happily asleep in Phil's lap, cuddling up to him and feeling safe. Phil continues to run his fingers through Dan’s curls as the plane comes to a halt on the tarmac back in England.
“Alright boys, here are your disguises for your mission, everything you need is in here” Q comes out of the cockpit with bags and passes them to Phil. “Poor thing really was exhausted, isn’t he?” Q looks down at dan who is still completely passed out.


“yeah, the jet-lag mustn’t help.” Phil mumbles.
Instead of waking Dan up, Q helps Phil with the bags and taking them to the pickup car waiting outside while Phil picks Dan up bridal style and carries him out and sits him in the car, buckling him in and getting in himself.
“I’ll see you two soon,” Q says, doing a two finger salute. Phil does the same before Q closes the door of the car and the driver is speeding off. Phil keeps Dan comfortable on his lap during the long ride back into London City.
When they reach Kensington, the car drives down into the underground carpark of an apartment building to drop the boys off. Phil gets out first and throws all the bags onto his back, before he goes to Dan's side of the car, opens his door and unbuckles his seat, picks him back up and takes them to the elevator.
Phil presses floor 17, and the elevator starts moving. Before he can even look down at Dan, the doors open again and he walks out and down to the very end of the hall.
He opens his wallet and taps a card to the door handle, and the door unlocks. He takes them inside and drops all their bags on the floor, closes the door behind him and carries Dan through the large apartment to his bedroom. He lays Dan down on the soft bed and Dan instantly snuggles up against the smooth surface.
Phil disappears into his closet to grab some pyjamas for Dan so he would feel warmer than in the blue, barely warm outfit. He takes Dan's heels off and carefully pulls some tracksuit pants up his legs. He also wraps a soft jacket around Dan's body, simpler to get him into than a t-shirt. When Phil is sure Dan Is comfortable, he smiles softly and presses a gentle kiss to Dan's cheek and heads into the bathroom to take a shower.
He leans his arms against the wall of the shower when he’s under the steaming water. He lets the water run over his tired body but can't stop thinking about how Dan got hurt. He should have made sure that Josie was apprehended before heading to the bomb. That was Phil's fault. Phil lets tears run down his cheeks, wondering if allowing Dan to join him was a mistake.
He never would want Dan to get injured, or even worse, to be fatally injured. Maybe he shouldn’t have talked Dan into it.
But… without Dan… Phil wouldn’t have found the one person he cares too much about. It's stupid, really. Meeting someone in such an unfortunate way, then falling in love with them in only a day. He wonders if it is wrong, they’re moving too fast. But his heart tells him that it's true. Never once in his life has Phil felt so lovesick for someone than Dan.
In fact, he doesn’t think he’s ever been honestly in love with anyone before he had met Dan. He’s so beautiful, caring and talented- and oh so Loving. He wants to protect him with his life.
The thought of marriage dances in his head, but its much too soon. Its only been a week since they had met and only 3 days since they had even used the word “boyfriends”.
If they have a future, alive, together, Retired in a few years perhaps… There's no way he’d say no to the idea.
He steps out of the shower and dries himself off with the clean towel on the rack next to the shower, wraps it around his hips before walking out with sore eyes from crying.
“are you ok?” A soft voice comes from the bed in the dark. Phil spins around to see Dan sat upright in the bed. 
“y-yeah, I'm fine. sorry, did the shower wake you up?” Phil asks, stepping over to Dan and sitting next to him on the bed.
“I heard you crying…” Dan whispers, intertwining their fingers. “what's going on?”
Phil sighs deeply, tightening the grip Dan has on his hand.
“thoughts are awful sometimes…” Phil mumbles.

“s-sometimes they’re better to share… than keeping them in?” Dan asks, shuffling closer to Phil. Phil nods and rubs his eyes with his free hand.
“I…” Phil begins, feeling the lump coil in his throat again, just before the tears start again. “i- care about you… so much, Dan. I-i can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt. I love you too much to lose you, and if I did, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t think I could live without you.” Phil breaks down, his tears rolling down his cheeks and down his neck.
“i-its so stupid, we only just met but- I think you’re my soulmate… and I just can’t stand the idea of you getting hurt again.” Phil sniffles. He looks up and sees the tears running down Dan's cheeks as well.

“I’m so sorry-” Phil whispers, but Dan leans in and connects their lips in heart-aching passion. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s body and pulls him close. The kiss is salty with tears but sweet with the taste of emotion. Their lips moving against each other says “I love you with every ounce of my being” without the need for words and their soft breaths slowing down calms each others racing hearts.
“I feel the same way, it’s not stupid, I love you, Phil… I’m scared just as much as you are… but maybe that’s why we work so well together. W-Without our love, we wouldn’t be so eager to complete a mission and keep e-each other safe.” Dan explains, Phil sniffles and nods.
“I think you’re right” Phil smiles weakly. Dan does the same and connects their lips again, the feeling of love filling each other's hearts, drowning in the taste and never getting enough.
When they wake up, the apartment is filled with warmth from the morning sun. Phil has Dan wrapped up in his arms and Dan's limbs tangled with his. Dan's eyes squint at the disturbing light and looks up at the calmly sleeping Phil. He leans up and presses his nose to Phil’s, giving his lips a peck and smiling softly.
Phil's eyes open slowly and focus on Dan’s stunning eyes.
“good morning” Phil chuckles softly, and Dan grins.
“how was your sleep,” Dan asks, letting Phil sit up
“good, especially since you were with me” Phil plays with the curls on Dan's head. Dan smiles and kisses Phil's hand.
They get out of bed, and Phil shows Dan around his apartment. Dan thinks it's lovely. It has a Study, his bedroom, a large open Kitchen with a dining room and lounge and two bathrooms.
“here's our stuff for tomorrow I guess…” Phil passes Dan the bag that has 011 on it, and he unzips it at the dining table. Inside are Bartender uniforms, their weapons and-
“my phone and wallet! I wondered where they went!” Dan says, unlocking his phone and noticing the hundreds of missed calls and messages.
“Yeah, Q had to take out the tracking chip to make sure we couldn’t be found” Phil explains. Dan nods and reads the first message his phone has open in the message app.
Lewis: Hey, Dan. Sorry to do this to you but, we have to break up.
Dan: what do you mean?! I'm in Paris waiting for you!
Lewis: yeah, about that...
Lewis: you’ll have to fly back home by Friday because that's all I paid for with the hotel, but I also cancelled your flight home. Sorry.

Dan: how fucking could you!
Lewis: oh well.
Dan: oh well?! OH WELL?! LEWIS HOW COULD YOU BREAK UP WITH ME OVER TEXT, WHILE COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE FACT THAT IM IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY AND YOU CANCELLED MY FLIGHT HOME?!
Lewis: yeah I don’t really care, you can figure it out.
read.
Dan: did you ever love me?
delivered.
There was no reply. Dan's heart aches at the thought of 4 years down the drain- but, he has Phil now, like an angel sent from heaven. They may have met in an unfortunate way, but it was better than it never happening.
And to be honest, he’s been happier than he had ever been with Lewis, in just a week.
“you ok?” Phil asks, wrapping his arms around Dan's waist.
“y-yeah, just reading the breakup message…” Dan mumbles, looking down at the screen.
“I’m sorry that he did that to you, you didn’t deserve to be broken up like that” Phil whispers, pressing a soft kiss to Dan's cheek. Dan sighs and melts into Phil's arms.
“it’s ok. Now I have you” Dan kisses Phil back before deleting the painful conversation.
He has hundreds of more messages from his parents, asking where he is and sounding distressed.
“you should call them” Phil suggests. Dan nods and opens the phone app, scrolling to his mum's number and hitting the call button.
“Daniel?! Oh my god, hello?!” A distressed mothers voice comes out of the receiver.
“Hey, mum” Dan replies.
“oh my god! Where have you been! Where are you? You’ve been missing for a week!” She asks.
“sorry, I’ve been in Paris hitchhiking without service for the week… Lewis broke up with me, I needed a break” Dan lies, Phil smiles at the quick response.
“Jesus Christ! I'm so sorry to hear that, Dan. so, where are you now, are you ok?” She asks.
“yes I’m ok, I'm back in England for the moment, I found a new job somehow while in Paris so I will probably be travelling a bit.”
“wow, that's a bit extreme? Is it paying well?” She asks.
“it's not that bad, but yes it pays better than the art shop, so I took it.” 
“well, I’m glad to hear you’re ok. We miss you so much. Hopefully, we can see you soon.”
“Yeah, I’ll try to come over soon when I have time. I love you.”
“love you too, dear. Be safe”
He hangs up.
“that went well” Phil hums, swaying them both in his arms.
“Yeah, better than the breakup, that's for sure” Dan chuckles.
For the rest of the day, Phil orders pizza for them to share while they lay in his warm bed and cuddle up together, watching a movie and enjoying their company. After they had eaten the pizza to what their bodies would allow them to digest, Dan cozy’s up to Phil and begins kissing Phil's neck out of comfort.
“You ok there?”Phil chuckles, looking down at how Dan is happily kissing Phil's skin.
“your skin feels nice” Dan hums, making Phil laugh harder.
“that's a very serial killer thing to say.”
“We kind of are” Dan points out. Phil frowns but realises, he’s not wrong. They were both technically serial killers paid by the government. But only for the greater good, Phil would never hurt an innocent person for no reason, and he knows Dan feels the same.
“does that upset you?” Phil asks softly. Dan stops kissing Phil's neck and looks at him with puppy dog eyes.

“not when we are stopping bad people from hurting anyone else. If I think of the positive effect being, say, we had saved hundreds of people from dying by having to hurt one person, I don’t get upset. Think of all the people we saved.” Dan replies. Phil smiles and leans down to kiss Dan's lips properly.
“what a good spy you are then” Phil chuckles. Dan grins as Phil continues to kiss him. Dan decides to climb into Phil's lap and straddle his hips, not disconnecting their lips once as slowly the kiss deepens. Dan rocks his body with the kiss and Phil holds Dan’s hips down.
“you’re so warm” Phil hums, loving how high he feels from the kiss, how Dan is rutting himself against Phil's crotch, and it feels heavenly.
“you feel warm too” Dan softly moans, rutting a bit faster. Phil bites Dan's lip softly and begins grinding up to meet Dan's small ruts. Dan holds Phil's face in his palms and lets their soft kisses become deeper when Phil slips his tongue inside Dan's mouth. It takes Dan by surprise, but he soon discovers he really likes the feeling.
“I’m really glad our stars aligned in Paris,” Dan says softly. Phil pulls away and looks at Dan's flustered face. He smiles and pushes the hair falling down his face out of Dan's eyes.
“even if you saw me shoot someone?” He asks. Dan giggles and rests his hands on Phil's shoulders.
“probably not ideal, but we would never be here if it weren’t for that. And anyway, you never actually knew the real reason why I had a bonder that morning” Dan says. Phil raises an eyebrow. “I had a dream about you choking me in that alleyway.”
Phil breaks out into laughter, Dan does the same and can't stop.
“kinky fucker. you’re something else, you know that?” Phil laughs.
“Yeah but that's why you love me.”
“you’re lucky it’s very true” Phil flips them so Dan was now laying back on the bed and Phil was sat in between his thighs.
“so, are you going to fuck me?” Dan asks cheekily.
“no” Phil replies. Dan looks a little confused until Phil leans down to his face and whispers “I’m going to make love to you.”
Phil carefully peels the tracksuit pants from Dan's hips, luckily Dan had decided to take off the blue leotard; otherwise, it would have been a lot more uncomfortable to let his erection out of its confinements. Phil then pulls them off his long legs and throws the pants somewhere off the bed. Phil then starts pulling his pants off as Dan pulls his own shirt and helping Phil take his own shirt off until they were both completely naked.
“so pretty” Phil mutters, picking up Dan's hand and holding it to his lips to kiss it. Dan blushes a deep red and shy’s away. Phil chuckles and leans down to his face again and caresses Dan's cheek.
“I don’t deserve you. You’re too beautiful” Phil looks deeply into Dan’s hazel doe eyes before making their lips meet again, softer this time with gentle pecks and quiet noises.
Phil reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a bottle of lube without detaching their lips once more before popping the cap with a satisfying click and pouring a decent amount into his hand.
“stretching?” Phil whispers.
“u-uh, I’m not sure- a-ah!” Dan begins, but after Phil had coated his hardening cock with the lube, he rubs one of his now slick fingers around Dan's rim and pushes it in slowly to stretch. He notices how tight he feels and is glad he decided to do this because he’d never want to hurt Dan.
He pumps his finger in and out until Dan's whimpering, so he slowly adds the second beside the first and stretches him open slowly, eating up Dan's soft moans and whines. Finally, he adds the third, and once he was sure Dan was stretched enough, he pulls them out and lines himself up with Dan.
“ready, baby?” Phil asks. Dan nods eagerly before Phil pushes the head in and Dan closes his eyes, loving the stretch and how big he already feels.
“shit” Phil moans when he pushes in fully, then rests his chest against Dan’s, noting how Dan is breathing heavily already. Phil then begins thrusting into him smoothly, not picking up the pace, this was about them being slow and taking in each others love without it becoming a quick fuck.
They kiss affectionately and moan soothingly, getting everything from each other. Devoted to giving one another pleasure.
“i-i’m really close- ah, ah- oh god.” Dan pants against Phil's wet lips.
“just let go, let me see how pretty you look when you come for me” Phil hums, holding Dan's bottom lip between his teeth.
Dan’s whines become higher and higher in pitch until he’s falling over the edge and is shaking from the pleasure and from Phil continuing to stimulate him. Phil is about to pull out to finish himself off until Dan pulls him back to his lips and pants.
“again, w-want to come- a-ah again.”
Phil chuckles and continues thrusting steadily and smoothly in and out of Dan, going a little quicker for Phil's sake, and Dan is losing his mind. He sounds like he can’t breathe and is sweating a little, making their movements against each other silkier.
“God, so tight still. But you look gorgeous like this, could look at you like this all the time if I was allowed” Phil moans deeply, and Dan whines back, squeaky and desperate.
“always, i-i’m yours. Yours until we’re dead” Dan replies, his eyes rolling back into the back of his head and Phil can tell he’s about to come again, and Phil is almost there.
“God, I love you- fucking hell I’m about to-“ Phil gets cut off by the murderous scream from Dan and Dan is coming between their chests again. The noises alone causes Phil to come undone, and he locks his hips up into Dan's as he comes deep inside him once more and Dan is shaking beneath him.
The room fills with the sound of panting and heavy breathing. Phil looks down at the wrecked Dan, his glassy eyes staring up at him and they both smile and laugh.
“w-was that good, I haven’t really ever-“


“that was the best sex I’ve ever had. I love you too.” Dan giggles, kissing Phil again. Phil sighs in relief and grins against Dan's lips.
God, he really does love him.
27 notes · View notes
omgdatphantho · 5 years
Text
Yellow Curtains
Summary: Dan feels like an outsider looking in; an alien in his own skin. He’s starting to question his sexuality and that’s made more complicated by meeting Phil. Nothing worth having comes easy; especially love. 
Warning: Angst, Drug use/Drug references, Alcohol use/Alcohol references, Illusions to smut, Language, Phandom Big Bang
Word Count: 16.7k
A/N: Hello Lovelies! It’s finally here, my PBB 2018. It’s been a long journey, but I’m really happy with the end result. This story is based on season 3 of Skam. Skam is a Norwegian tv drama based around a group of teenagers. I highly recommend checking it out. 
First, I would like to thank @fastforward-ty. Madison, you’ve been amazing. I couldn’t have done this without you. You brought a whole side to the story that I never have could on my own. I’m forever grateful for you. 
Second, I would like to thank @michaelakindlova. Misha, you’re absoluetly amazing. You’ve been a cheerleader since you first read my summary and I thank you for it. Your art is awesome and I feel so lucky for it. 
The third person I have to thank is @worriedpeach. Rachel, what can I even say about you? Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I’m thankful each and every day that I’m able to call you one of my friends. 
Finally, I would like to thank all of my readers. I know that I haven’t been as active lately, but you guys never give up on me. For that, I’m so thankful. 
Art
Ao3
Fanfic Masterlist
The bass thumps through the walls, causing them to shake slightly. Dan and his friends are holed up in the bathroom, passing a joint back and forth between them. Two girls walk in and the boys laugh. Dan can feel his mouth moving, but he’s too giggly to pay attention to what’s being said.
He blinks a few times and he’s one of two people left in the bathroom. The other is a girl with short, brown hair who appears to be slightly younger than himself. She places a white pill in her mouth and Dan kisses her, pulling the pill into his own mouth.
“I’m Emma,” she says as she starts to kiss down his torso, making her way towards his jeans.
“Dan,” he mumbles out. He lets her continue her movements for another minute before pushing her away. He knows that no matter how hard he tries, he won’t be able to get hard for her.
It’s a new thing Dan has been noticing lately. Females haven’t been giving him the same rush lately as they use to. When watching porn, Dan finds his eyes drifting towards the male. It’s something that causes him to squirm, not wanting to examine it very closely.
~~~
“Up and at ‘em,” Carter sings. Dan groans. The Sunday morning sunlight is doing nothing to help this pounding head.
“It’s too early for this,” Dan mumbles. Carter laughs and pulls the comforter off Dan’s head.
“Grumpy,” Carter says with a smile. Dan heaves himself up and stares at Carter with a blank expression. Carter’s smile widens.
“I made breakfast. Didn't want you to miss it. Hurry up,”  Carter sways his way out of the room with a light smack to Dan’s leg. Dan groans and flops back onto his pillow.
The alarm on his phone goes off two minutes later. Dan quickly silences it. He unlocks his phone and notices two messages on his phone, one from his mum and the other from an unknown number. Dan taps on his mum’s message first:
I’m sorry things have become so strained between us. I look forward to the day we can go back to how we were. Love you, God Bless!
She must be having a good day, Dan thinks, exiting out of the message and clicking on the other; he wrinkles his nose.
Hey this is Emma. I had a great time last night! We should get together again ;)
Dan sighs. Somehow she got his number. He tries to think of who she was hanging with. Maybe Cara gave it to her. He drops his phone on the bed and smashes his face into his pillow.  
“Come on! Breakfast is getting cold!” Carter calls from the other room. Dan groans as he pulls himself from bed. This is all too much for as early as it is.
~~~
Dan pushes through the throngs of people in an attempt to get to the center of the quad. He can see his three friends clustered together and he smiles.
“Dan! How was the hangover yesterday?” Jonas asks as soon as he spots him. Dan chuckles and shakes his head.
“Could have been worse, that’s for sure. It was nice to have a lazy day, though,” Dan confesses.
“Ah man. Mine sucked. I swear I was throwing up everything I ate in the last week,” Ryder moans. They laugh, and Alec shoves him in the shoulder.
“He’s exaggerating. He puked twice and was fine by dinner,” Alec states.
Ryder knocks his shoulder, “Dude.”They all bust out in laughter. A movement catches Dan’s eye. He turns his head slightly and locks eyes with Emma across the quad with a group of her friends. She smiles and waves. Dan nods his head and twitches his hand. He pushes his hand tightly against his leg.
“Who are you looking at?” Alec asks as he steps next to Dan, his eyes scanning the quad.
“Someone from a class,” Dan lies. He can feel Emma’s eyes on him, but he forces himself to ignore it.
~~~
A book drops onto the table, startling Dan. He looks up and sees Iman standing next to her seat. She doesn’t look too pleased, her mouth set in a hard line. Dan searches through his brain, trying to remember if he dropped an assignment or forgot a study session.
“Sorry?” Dan blurts out, confused. Iman raises an eyebrow and drops into her seat. Dan watches as she slowly retrieves her materials for class. Once done, she turns towards him, a blank expression on her face.
“You should be sorry,” Iman says.
Dan raises an eyebrow at her. “What am I sorry for?” Iman digs around in her bag before pulling her hand up. Under the table, she opens her hand, and Dan’s stomach drops. Laying on her palm is the bag of weed he had stuffed into a potted plant at the party. Someone had yelled about the cops, and he was the one holding Alec’s stash, so he panicked and hid it in the first place he could find.
“You left this behind Saturday. You’re lucky I found it before the cops did. Cara could have gotten in a lot of trouble.”
Dan reaches out to take it back, but Iman pulls her hand away before he can. “Hey, give it back.”
Iman gives her head a small shake. “Not yet. I need you to do something for me first.” Dan nods. “You and your boys need to attend the pub quiz Cara and I are hosting on Thursday. If you do that, you’ll get it back. Well, most of it. I’m keeping ten percent.”
“Ten percent? It’s not even mine, it’s Alec’s, and you don’t even smoke. Why do you need it?” Dan asks. Iman smirks.
“You never know when it could come in handy,” she says.
Dan sighs and, after a beat, nods his head. “We’ll be there.”
“Good.”
~~~
Dan: Seriously?! Where are you guys????
Jonas: Sorry bro. Busy.
Alec: You were serious?
Ryder: Dude! Cara’s gonna be there!! Dude!!!
Dan closes out of the group chat and sighs. His friends bailed, and now he’s stuck at this boring-ass pub quiz. He looks around the room, trying to find someone to talk to. His eyes briefly land on Cara as she’s gesturing wildly in a conversation. He locks eyes with Iman as she half-listens to Cara, more interested in shooting lasers at Dan than what her friend’s saying.
A group of people walk by Dan, one of them looks directly at him. He’s tall with dark hair and a pale complexion. Dan’s too far away to see his eyes, but he’s sure they’re as nice to look at as the rest of him is. The guy smirks at Dan and follows his own friends to the far side of the room.
Emma walks in a few minutes later. She spots Dan, and her face lights up, waving at him as she passes. She drops her stuff at a table with the rest of her group and spins on her heels. She focuses her sight on Dan, and he begins to panic. He grabs his bag and books it out of the room.
Dan speed walks down the hall, trying to put as much distance between himself and Emma as he can. When he sees the door for the male restrooms, he swears that it’s bathed in holy light. There might have been angels singing, but he doesn’t care as long as it gets him away from Emma.
She’s a sweet girl, but Dan doesn’t know what to do about her. He doesn’t want to necessarily be with her, but he also doesn’t want to be alone. The whole situation is causing his head to ache.
Dan hides in a stall until he’s sure that the pub quiz has started. He walks out and freezes. The attractive guy is washing his hands. Dan had heard the door open, but wasn’t expecting it to be him. He sees Dan’s reflection in the mirror and smiles at him; Dan’s too taken aback to respond. The guy moves away from the sinks.
Finally, Dan gains control over his body. While washing his hands, Dan watches the guy take every last paper towel in the dispenser to dry his hands. Dan’s left standing there, his dripping hands dangling at his side.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need some, too?” There’s a playful smile on the guy’s face as he asks. Dan slowly nods. He has no clue what’s going on and briefly wonders if he’s on a hidden camera show. The guy picks up a towel and examines it. Deeming it to be clean, he hands it to Dan. Dan takes it and makes no move to wipe his hands.
“You want to go somewhere?” The guy flashes a joint. Dan gives a small smile and nods his head.
~~~
“So, why are you ditching the pub quiz?” The guy asks as Dan takes a long drag of the joint. Dan smiles and exhales, passing the joint over. They’ve been sitting on the bench, shooting the shit and smoking, for over thirty minutes.
“Not really my scene. My friends were supposed to come, but they ditched,” Dan explains.
The guy laughs. “Maybe you need new friends.”
‘Maybe we can be friends,’ Dan thinks. He hums and smiles. The door to the pub bangs open behind them, and both of them turn their heads towards the noise. A familiar figure rushes towards them.
“Dan!” A forced smile graces his face as Emma stops right in front of him.
“Hey...” he nods. Her smile becomes larger.
“Where have you been? You’ve missed the whole quiz.” Dan can see the guy watching him out of the corner of his eye.
“Sorry. I-uh, I needed a breather, and so did he,” Dan states as he gestures to his companion. He hears himself trip over his words, but no one else seems to. He lets out a silent sigh of relief. He appears to be getting away with his lie. Emma finally turns her head and looks at the guy. Her eyes narrow, her smile faltering a bit.
“And you would be?” she asks.
The guy raises his eyebrow, “I’m Phil.” The name couldn’t be more fitting to Dan, and he thinks it’s the best name he’s ever heard.
“What’s your name?” Phil asks.
“This is my um, friend, Emma,” Dan answers for her. Emma turns her attention back to Dan.
“Oh, I think I’m a little more than that, Danny,” she says with a playful swat to his arm. Phil lets out a soft chuckle. Dan wonders if the Earth could open right this second and swallow him whole.
~~~
“Who are you staring at?” Alec asks, pulling Dan back to reality. Dan shakes his head and turns his attention to his friends. Phil’s the answer, standing across the quad with a group of his friends and staring right back. Dan can’t figure out a way to articulate why he’s suddenly so enamored with someone he’s only just met.
“One, I’m not staring, and two, I thought I saw someone from the pub quiz last night that you all were too busy to attend,” Dan glances around the group and swears they roll their eyes in sync.
“One, you’re totally staring at whoever you think you saw, and two, we were too busy. Busy avoiding the pub quiz,” Jonas states. Alec and Ryder high five; all three of them start laughing.
“I hate you all,” Dan informs them. There’s no heat behind his words, though. He pulls his headphones out of his pocket and shoves them in his ears. Talk Show Host by Radiohead starts playing and Dan smiles. He sneaks a quick glance in Phil’s direction and sees that he’s still watching him.
~~~
“What was that?” Iman asks as she drops her stuff onto the table. Dan glances up from his book and raises an eyebrow in her direction.
“What was what?” he asks. She sighs and flops into the chair. Dan closes his book and sets it in front of him. He turns to face her and braces himself. According to the look on her face, he’s in for a good dressing down.
“You came last night and then bailed before we even started.”
Dan slumps down. “I went to the bathroom and never made it back,” he shrugs. Iman stares at him with a blank expression. Dan sighs, “I needed a breather and stepped out. There was someone else out there and we talked a bit.” Iman places her elbow on the table and props her head up with her hand. All the anger on her face has been replaced with intrigue.
“Oh really? Who is this mystery person?” she asks, and Dan rolls his eyes at her nosiness.
“I think he said his name was Phil. He’s really tall and has black hair,” ‘And the most gorgeous blue eyes I’ve ever seen,’ he thinks to himself. Iman raises an eyebrow at him and Dan coughs. “At least I think that’s what he looks like.” ‘Real smooth there Dan.’ Iman gives a disbelieving hum.
“Yes, I do know of him,” she replies. Dan stares at her, waiting for her to continue. There’s a brief standoff before she sighs.
“His name is Phil Lester. He’s a new transfer student who’s in Year 13. He knows Cara.” Dan presses down a smile.
“Cool, thanks. I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she says, waving him off. Dan pulls out his laptop, intent on looking up everything he can find about this Phil Lester right that moment. However, his teacher starts class before he can.
~~~
Dan’s sitting in his bed. His laptop is balanced on his knees as he presses the keys harder than necessary. He’s spent an hour trying to look up Phil on social media, but he can’t find him anywhere. It’s only when Dan finally googles his name that something comes up. It’s a video uploaded to YouTube by an apparent friend of Phil’s. Phil is standing in front of a table, a diorama of a classroom is sitting on it. There’s a naked Barbie, a robot toy, and a frog inside.
“This is going to next epic love story,” Phil tells the camera. His friend laughs, and Phil smiles. Dan smiles in return.
“What’s it about?” the friend asks.
Phil prattles on about the love story between the human — the Barbie — and the robot, how love in his film won’t be bound by the thoughts or expectations of others. “I’m going for a Baz Luhrmann feel. I really loved his adaptation of Romeo & Juliet.”
Dan’s face aches from smiling. He has a desire to reach through the screen and touch Phil, to check if he’s actually real. No human on Earth could possibly be this perfect.
The video ends and Dan restarts it, a pattern that continues for a few more hours as he looks up Baz Luhrmann and his movies. Phil’s voice echoing in his ears is the last thing Dan hears before he drops off to sleep.
~~~
“Hi Danny,” someone calls out. Dan mashes his wrist against the inside of his locker as he jumps. Cursing the blooming pain under his breath, he looks around. Emma is standing next to him with a wide smile on her face. Dan grins at her.
“Hi,” Dan replies in a flat voice.
Emma doesn’t notice his lack of enthusiasm. “Did you hear that Cara’s hosting pre-drinks tonight?”
Dan searches his head. It sounds vaguely familiar, but he’s not sure. For the last week, his thoughts had been overtaken by Phil. It’s strange. He barely knows the guy and yet, he can’t get him out of his head. “Um-Maybe,” he replies eloquently.
Emma sighs, her smile diminishing slightly. She shakes her head. “Cara would like you to bring some drinks tonight.”
Dan raises an eyebrow at her. “Why?”
Emma rolls her eyes. “You skipped out on the pub quiz, and she’d like you to make it up to her.”
“Why didn’t she text me herself?” Dan sighs.
“She did, but apparently you’ve been ignoring her. Seems to be a common theme with you this week, since you haven’t texted me back either.” Emma pokes him in the chest to emphasize her words. Dan gives her a sheepish look.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy. I’ll make it up to both of you. I’ll bring the drinks and spend time with you tonight.” Emma beams and Dan gives her a tight-lipped smile. She leans forward to kiss him, but he turns his head at the last minute. Her lips land on his cheek and he pinches his mouth tight. Emma doesn’t notice and gives him a large smile. His cheek crawls with the lingering feeling of her lips against him.
“I can’t wait,” She squeezes his arm and disappears down the hallway. Dan leans against the lockers and lets his head fall back with a resounding wack. The dull ache is a great reminder of his stupidity.
~~~
Dan steps onto the crowded tube and finds a spot near the middle, leaning up against the pole. People jostle as the tube begins to move; Dan tightens his hand around the pole.
“Hey.” Dan looks up and sees Phil standing right next to him. His dark hair is pushed back in a quiff, and he’s wearing a denim jacket over a hoodie. Dan’s mouth goes dry and he feels his chest tighten. He nods his head and Phil smiles.
“You don’t say much, do you?” Phil asks, and Dan shrugs.
For the next ten minutes, Dan keeps looking over at Phil. Phil staring at him and smirking. Dan feels like his insides are turning to goo. His phone goes off, causing him to stop watching Phil. It’s Cara, reminding him not to forget the drinks for tonight. Dan blinks at his phone a few times before suddenly looking at Phil.
“You’re eighteen, right?” he asks. Phil raises an eyebrow at him.
~~~
They made it all the way to the corner store before Phil remembers he left his ID at home. Dan follows him back to his flat. It’s a simple, three room place. There’s an open floor common space that includes the lounge and kitchen. Two doors off to the side lead to what Dan’s assuming is the bathroom and the bedroom.
“Nice place,” Dan comments as he looks around. Phil shrugs.
“It is what it is,” he says with a smirk. Dan furrows his brow, but Phil’s already moving through the flat. “Are you hungry?”
Dan smiles. “Starving.” The thoughts of the pre-game slip from his mind.
~~~
“This is awful,” Dan says around a mouthful of sandwich. Phil had made them both toasted ham and cheese sandwiches with way too much cardamom on them.
“Oh, like you could do better,” Phil jests as he takes another bite. Dan laughs and smiles.
“I totally could. See, now I know not to use half a container of cardamom to make sandwiches. Clearly I’m more advanced than you.” Phil rolls his eyes and snorts. Dan’s heart skips a beat.
“Clearly,” he says with smirk. Dan ducks his head and smiles to himself.
~~~
They’re seated on the window sill, looking out over Phil’s neighborhood. Dan’s enjoying the fact that the sun is illuminating Phil, making him look like an angel. They’re passing a joint between them.
“How do you feel about Nas?” Phil asks.
Dan raises his eyebrow, “Nas? You like Nas?”
Phil chuckles, nodding his head. Dan remains quiet. He’s unsure of what to say. Letting Phil in makes him nervous, even though they’ve already hung out before.
“Do you even know who Nas is, or are you too young?” Phil teases. Dan throws his head back and laughs.
“I’m not that young,” Dan says with a smirk. “I love Nas.”
Phil gives him a wide, toothy smile. “That wins you so many brownie points.”
Dan chuckles. “Oh. Is that so?” he flirts.
Phil look at him with a hungry expression. “Yes,” he says in a low voice; Dan represses a shiver. ‘He’s flirting back right? I think he is,’ Dan’s mind screams at him.
~~~
The sun begins to set. and Dan swears Phil looks even better in the fading light. It highlights his features and makes Dan want to squirm. They finished the joint and are lounging around, talking about nothing in particular and relishing in their respective highs.
A knock rings out from the door and breaks the little world that they have created. Dan raises an eyebrow as Phil stands, smiling as he walks to the door.
“Hey!” he cries as he opens the door. Two guys and a girl step into the flat. The guys fist bump Phil before walking into the lounge, waving at Dan. He waves back and refocuses his attention onto Phil. He has his arms wrapped around the girl’s waist, lips pressed against hers. Dan feels his heart clench and his chest tighten.
“Dan! This is Lily, my girlfriend. Lily, this is Dan.” Phil’s smiling as he introduces the two. Dan’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth.
“Hi,” Lily greets him. Dan nods his head and croaks out a greeting. He starts moving around the room, gathering his belongings.
“I’ll see you guys later. I’m going to head out.” Dan’s brain is screaming at him to run as far away from the situation that he can.
“What? You can totally stay if you want,” Phil says, reaching out to stop Dan’s movements. Dan shakes his head.
“No, it’s all good. I’ll see you later. Nice to meet you,” he calls over his shoulder as he rushes out the door.
~~~
Dan’s been laying on his bed for what feels like forever before he remembers to text Emma. He informs her that he won’t be able to make it to pre-drinks and then buries his head in his pillow. He can hear his phone buzzing, but he doesn’t bother with it. A few tears escape his eyes as he tries to will away the image of Phil and Lily kissing.
~~~
It’s Saturday, and Dan really just wants to wallow in his grief, but other people in his life clearly have different plans. The boys have been texting him all day, trying to convince him to come out and party with them tonight. Dan lies to them and says he has to do something with his mum. He hasn’t talked to her in a few weeks, not that she hasn’t been messaging him. He can’t bring himself to message her back. He isn’t sure what to say to her.
He gets a large amount of messages from Emma. They start off irate and descend into apologies as time goes on. He reads them, but doesn’t reply. He isn’t sure what to say to her, either.
~~~
Sunday brings more of the same — more apologies from Emma for becoming upset with him and the boys trying to get him to hang out. He doesn’t want to go anywhere. He wants to lay in bed and watch Romeo + Juliet on repeat while he wallows in his own self-pity.
Between the repeats of the movie, Dan lets his mind wander. He’s suspected for a long time that girls don’t hold his fancy, but he isn’t sure if guys are his cup of tea. However, there is something about Phil. The way his body moves as if he’s dancing to music only he can hear. The way his eyes are like endless deep pools that Dan is happy to drown in. A myriad of feelings swirl around inside of him, causing confusion in his head. It makes him want to hide away from everything.
“You can’t hide in here forever,” Carter says as he bursts through Dan’s bedroom door. Dan grumbles as he pulls his laptop closer to himself, determined to ignore his flatmate. Carter plops down on the bed and scoots next to Dan. He pauses the movie.
“Why are you here?” Dan asks as nicely as he can muster.
Carter sighs. “You’ve been hiding in your room all weekend, clearly moping.”
“So?”
“So I’m concerned about you. You need to get out.”
Dan snorts. “I go out a lot. I needed a weekend to chill out.”
“And watch Romeo + Juliet on repeat.”
“It’s a good movie,” Dan defends.
“Not good enough to watch twenty times in a row.”
Dan narrows his eyes at Carter’s smirk. “You don’t get it.”
“Sure I don’t,” Carter has a knowing expression on his face, and it causes Dan to frown. Carter laughs before starting the movie up again. Dan settles in and enjoys having Carter’s comforting weight next to him.
~~~
“Excuse me,” a voice says. The boys stop talking and turn their head towards the sound. Emma is standing with a group of her friends; an unhappy expression on her face.
“Um- hi,” Dan says, and Emma furrows her brow.
“How could you ditch me on Friday?” Emma demands. The boys look at Dan with questioning looks on their faces. Dan shakes his head at them. He rubs the back of his neck.
“Something came up. I’m sorry,” he apologizes.
“You better not skip pre-drinks again.” Emma’s tone is cold. Dan finds himself nodding his head vigorously and promising to make it up to her. Emma smiles and reaches out, running her hand along Dan’s arm. Dan forces himself to stand still and endure her touch. Emma squeezes his hand and winks at him before departing with her posse.
Dan receives a hard smack on his shoulder. He rubs it and glares at Jonas for inflicting the pain onto him. “What was that for?” Dan demands.
“You could have told us about pre-drinks on Friday. We totally would have been there,” Jonas insists. Dan rolls his eyes and sighs.
“You could have found out from Cara,” he insists. Ryder visibly shudders. Their relationship has always been a complicated one. Frenemies with benefits is how the boys like to describe it. Ryder would wax poetically about him and Cara, causing the boys to roll their eyes.
“We’re not talking,” he states. There’s a hint of bitterness in his tone and Dan raises an eyebrow at him. Ryder shakes his head. Dan glances at Jonas and Alec who are both shrugging.
~~~
“So you are alive,” a voice very close to his ears cries out. Dan wacks his hand on the inside of his locker once again, and curses under his breath. He turns to see Cara standing uncomfortably close to him.
“Still breathing as far as I know,” Dan sasses back without much thought.
Cara rolls her eyes and crosses her arms across her chest. “You completely flaked on Friday and then have been ignoring my messages. What is with you?”
Dan bites his lip. “I’ve been really busy, and something came up on Friday. I’m sorry about that.” Cara eyes him suspiciously, but accepts Dan’s explanation.
“You’re hosting the pre-game this weekend,” she states.
“Oh really?”
“Yes. It’s restitution to both Emma and I.”
Dan takes a minute to mull it over. If one evening can make up for his behavior, he would be a fool to turn it down.
“I’ll do it.” Cara smiles.
“Great.”
~~~
Dan glances at his phone for what feels like the twentieth time in the past two minutes. He sighs and settles his head against his propped-up hand. Jonas, Ryder, and Alec watch with rapture as the dance squad runs through their routine.
Another sigh escapes Dan as he shifts in his seat. Movement by the door catches his eye. He looks over and sees Phil making his way towards their group. Dan quietly clears his throat and sits up straighter. That movement gets Jonas attention, and he looks at Dan. Dan, however, doesn’t notice because he’s too busy watching Phil.
“Hey,” Phil says as he stops in front of the group.
“Hey,” Dan answers. Alec and Jonas glance between the boys. Ryder gives Phil only a cursory glance before turning his attention back to the girls.
“Here. You left this,” Phil states as he lifts his hand. Dan tears away his gaze from Phil’s face and to his hand. In his grasp is Dan’s hat, the one he left at Phil’s during his hasty retreat on Friday.
“Um, thanks,” Dan says. He reaches out and takes his hat. Their fingers brush and Dan represses a shiver.
“Where did you find that?” Jonas asks. Dan’s eyes go wide, and he feels his breath catch in his throat. He looks at Phil as his mind goes blank.
“The cafe after lunch on Friday,” Phil states. Dan silently releases his held breath as Jonas and Alec accept Phil’s explanation.
“Thanks, again,” Dan says. Phil nods and opens his mouth to say something. Dan pleads silently with his eyes. Phil must’ve caught on and closes his mouth, shaking his head. With another nod, he turns on his heels and leaves. Dan watches him go.
“Okay. What was all that about?” Jonas asks. Dan turns towards his friends. Both Jonas and Alec staring at him. Dan shrugs, brushing the question off. Jonas eyes him suspiciously.
“Hey, you got your hat back,” Ryder states, breaking the tension in the air. The boys descend into laughter as confusion spreads over Ryder’s face.
~~~
The music is thumping, and a thick crowd of people have overtaken Dan’s flat. Dan’s eyes scan the crowd, trying to pick out people he knows. He can Carter with his other flatmate, Nora, dancing in the corner. He thinks he can see the boys in the kitchen.
The door opens, and a cheer rings out. Phil and Lily stride through the door. A few moments later, Dan and Phil’s eyes lock across the room. Phil smirks, and Dan’s throat suddenly feels dry.
“Hey,” Emma yells in Dan’s ear as she pokes his shoulder hard. They’ve been sitting on the couch in the living room. She’s been prattling on for a while, but Dan’s barely heard a word. Now the cause of his nerves has just walked through the door, and Dan’s no more relaxed.
“Hmm?” Dan asks, forcing himself to tear his eyes away from Phil and focus on Emma.
“Do you want to dance?” Emma’s eyes are sparkling in the neon lights, and she’s smiling wide. She’s pretty in a general sort of way, and it makes Dan’s heart clench. He wishes he could be attracted to her the way that she deserves.
Dan sneaks a quick glance at Phil, who’s moving to the music. “Sure.”
~~~
Dan’s swaying to the music with his hands on Emma’s hips. His hands feel sweaty and awkward against her clothes. She’s grinding against his front with her arms wrapped around his neck. He reminds himself to breath. Dan feels as if he’s being watched and immediately looks up, locking eyes with Phil.
Phil smirks at Dan, watching him with hooded eyes. He’s moving in time with Lily. Holding Dan’s attention, Phil ducks down and captures Lily’s lips. She moves closer as the kiss deeper. Dan’s eyes go wide with shock. Jealousy overcomes him as he has a fleeting thought about how Phil’s plush lips would feel against his own.
Not to be outdone by Phil, he pulls Emma close and kisses her. She kisses back with enthusiasm. Dan opens his eyes and locks his gaze with Phil. They continue to stare at each other as they dance and make out with their respective girls.
~~~
“I can’t break up with Lily because she has a fake leg.” Dan furrows his brow and looks at Phil. They’ve been standing in Dan’s kitchen, making small talk while others get ready to go to other parties.
“”What? She-?” Dan’s brain tries to process what he’s heard.
“Yeah. She lost it in a car accident when she was ten. She wears a fake leg and everything.” Dan furrows his brow. He takes a good look at Phil and feels like an idiot. Phil’s struggling to keep his face straight as his eyes sparkle with mischief.
“You seriously had me going there for a minute,” Dan closes his eyes and groans. He opens his eyes and his breath catches in his throat. Phil’s moved across the kitchen, now invading Dan’s space.
“Yeah, I did,” Phil answers him. Phil’s eyes flicker between Dan’s own and his lips. Dan’s brain starts freaking out, wondering if he’s reading the situation correctly. Phil tilts his head to the side and leans in. ‘No. This is really happening right now,’ Dan thinks in disbelief. He licks his lips, flicks his eyes over Phil’s face, and moves closer.
“Dan?” an outside voice calls. The moment shatters, and Phil moves back. He waits a few beats before leaving the room with only the briefest of glances at Dan. Dan sighs and slumps against the counters. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest.
~~~
Dan’s struggling to open his mouth. never wants to open correctly, and it seems to love to be particularly defiant on Monday morning. Dan drops his head against the metal door, groaning as his head bounces off the metal with a dull thud.
“That can’t feel too good.” Dan inhales sharply as he looks to his left. Phil’s standing very close to him, smiling. Dan takes note of how comfortable Phil appears in his oversized hoodie. His heart flip-flops in his chest.
“Oh, hey,” Dan smiles and Phil smirks. Dan’s chest tightens.
“Need help?” Dan furrows his brow and Phil chuckles. “With your door?” He tilts his head. Dan glances at the locker and shakes his head. Phil raises an eyebrow at him and then shrugs.
“So Emma and Lily have gotten pretty close.”
“Really?” Phil’s smirking again.
“Yeah. They want to get together before the Fall Fest on Friday.” Dan hums.
“So you’re okay with this?”
Dan shrugs, and Phil rolls his eyes. He takes a step closer and ducks down slightly. His warm breath tickles Dan’s ear.
“I’ll see you at your place on Friday.” Phil pulls back and smacks his hand against Dan’s locker, popping the door open, before walking away. Dan’s left in a flustered stupor.
~~~
Dan: I hear I’m hosting a Pre-Fall Fest get together for us and Phil and Lily
Emma: OMG! BABE! You’re the best!!
Emma: I know the perfect costumes!
~~~
Death can’t come quick enough for Dan. He’s seated between Emma and Lily, listening to them talk to each other. Phil is absolutely no help. He’s not contributing to the conversation, but he’s staring intently every time Dan glances over at him. Dan even wishes his roommates would burst in, but he knows that won’t happen. Carter is out clubbing, and Nora is off on a weekend with her boyfriend.
“Dan, babe?” Dan represses jumping as Emma’s voice breaks him out of his revelry.
“What?” Emma huffs. Dan looks at her with bewilderment.
“I’m getting a drink,” she announces before storming out of the room.
“I’ll go with you,” Lily states. Phil has the decency to wait until the girls have left the room before he lets out a soft laugh. Dan frowns.
The boys are alone for the first time and Dan’s able to get a better look at Phil’s costume. He’s wearing a long white wig and beard with a robe. Dan supposes he’s meant to be God. Lily is wearing a white, full length, long sleeve dress. On her back, is a pair of lace wings. She has a tinsel halo on her head. She’s dressed as an angel.
Dan is wearing a regular red t-shirt and blue jeans. Over top, he’s wearing a one shoulder Roman tunic. On his head is a fake, gold laurel wreath. It’s his crown. Emma is wearing a red, pleated, sleeveless dress. She has a simple, circular crown on her head. She’s the Empress to Dan’s Emperor.
Phil leans forward. “Do you want to get out of here?”
Dan licks his lips and pauses.The imaginary angel on his right shoulder is whispering that it would be rude to ditch the girls. They had plans to attend the Fall Fest and Dan is technically hosting this little get together. The devil on his left shoulder is screaming. Its words are perfectly in line with the feeling thumbing through Dan’s body. His body is desperate to get closer to Phil. Dan’s aching to spend alone time with him. He takes a deep breath.
“Yes.”
~~~
Dan feels like he’s flying. He’s seated on the back of Phil’s bike as the wind whips through his hair. Phil looks back every now and then as they peddle farther away from reality. Dan swears that he would follow Phil to the ends of the Earth if it always feel this exhilarating. The bike comes to a stop in front of a house, bring Dan back down to Earth.          
“Who’s house is this?” Dan asks as he follows Phil through the yard.
“My aunt’s. Come on,” He flashes Dan a reassuring smile and drops to the ground, pushing open the basement window.
“Are you-” Dan takes a quick breath as Phil’s hand lays on his leg. He can feel the warmth seeping through his jeans, sending little sparks shooting through him.
“Trust me.” His smile and words wash over Dan, who nods. The trust Dan has for Phil is greater than his own hesitation.
They slide into the window and drop onto the pool deck. The pool takes up nearly the entire room. The only light in the room is coming from the lights inside of the pool. Dan swallows hard and sucks in shallow breaths. He doesn’t do things like breaking into people’s houses and swimming in there pools. He can feel the fear rising from his stomach, spreading throughout his chest and creeping towards his throat. He opens his mouth to say something, to call this whole thing off and run away. His mind is screaming at him to retreat to his room. Phil speaks before Dan has a chance.
“Well? Are you going to jump in with your costume on?” Phil asks as he pulls off his wig. He has a smile on his face as he drops the wig onto the pool deck. Dan blushes and drops his head. One look at Phil’s smile as all of Dan’s trepidation sliding away.
“No,” he whispers. His words practically echo throughout the nearly silent space. He quickly strips his outfit off, leaving him in his t-shirt and shorts.
“I dare you to jump in.”
Dan looks over, and Phil’s smirking back at him. Bravery wells up inside of Dan.
“Don’t think I’ll do it?” he questions, smiling back at Phil.
“Nope. I think you’re too chicken,” he teases.
“See how much you know.” Dan gives Phil a two finger salute before he jumps into the pool. Dan believes he can hear Phil laughing from above, but isn’t sure due to the water rushing past his ears. He’s barely broken the surface before a wave of water from Phil’s entrance covers him. He laughs as he clears the water from his eyes.
They follow each other around the pool, splashing, laughing, and trying to dunk each other. The heaviness of their clothes impede their movements slightly, but both are too wrapped up with each other’s presence to be bothered.
“Can you hold your breath?” Phil asks. They’re treading water in the middle of the pool. It’s the deepest part, which Dan finds slightly bizarre.
“What?” Dan replies with a laugh.
“Can you hold your breath underwater?” Yet another challenge that Dan definitely feels the need to rise to.
“Yes. Better than you can.”
“Is that so?” Phil raises an eyebrow.
“Definitely so.” Phil throws his head back and laughs.
“On the count of three then. One, two, three.” They both take deep breaths and plunge below the surface.
After a moment, Dan opens his eyes and feels the slight sting from the chlorine. Directly in front of him is Phil, suspended in the water like a jellyfish. The corners of Dan’s mouth twitch.
He blinks and suddenly, Phil is a lot closer. His lips press against Dan’s. Dan’s eyes go wide and he releases all of his held breath as he swims upward. Phil following him. Dan breaks the surface and starts coughing water out of his lungs.
“What was that? I thought you could beat me?” Phil inquires. Dan looks at him. He can see the mixture of teasing and nervousness in Phil’s eyes. He takes a deep breath and then coughs.
“I can. I had water stuck in my throat.” Phil rolls his eyes and swims closer to Dan.
“Sure,” Phil says in disbelief. “Maybe I’ll make a movie about you and call it ‘The Boy Who Can’t Hold His Breath Underwater.” Dan furrows his brows.
“Really? That sounds long and contrived.”
“Nevertheless true.” Phil’s eyes sparkle with his teasing.
“I had water in my throat. I want a redo.” Dan’s face is hard with determination. Phil chuckles
“You’re on.” They take deep breaths and slide below the surface.
It feels as if the stars have aligned. Dan swears that a light is shining directly onto Phil. He’s unsure if he believes in a higher power, but if there is one, he’s pretty sure that they’re sending a sign. Courage and electricity pulses through Dan as he moves closer to Phil. He presses their lips together and they’re kissing. Dan’s mind goes blank. They try to pull each other closer, but the water makes that difficult. They’ve run out of the air they desperately need to continue kissing and surge upwards.
They break the surface and suck in deep breaths. Dan aches to be against Phil once more. Their mouths clash together as their hands move to draw each other closer.
A door slams, and the noise drives them apart. A young girl is standing by the edge of the pool.
“Mum!” she cries.
“Go, run!” Dan cries as he shoves Phil towards the edge of the pool. They grab their costumes and high tail it through the window.
~~~
They spend all Saturday in bed; exchanging kisses and sharing a joint. Warmth flows through Dan as he snuggles close to Phil. Kissing him is quickly becoming Dan’s favorite thing.
“What if there were multiple universes?” Phil asks.
“Who’s to say there aren’t?” Dan replies
“There’s probably a Dan and Phil laying in bed just like us.” Phil runs his thumb across the back of Dan’s hand.
“Exactly like us?” Dan shifts slightly so that he can get a better look at Phil.
“Everything’s the same, but there’s one minor difference.”
“Like what? The curtains are yellow or something?” They laugh.
~~~
Phil leaves on Sunday after much stalling and many good-bye kisses.
“Oh Daniel!” Carter sings out. Dan thumps his head against the front door.
“Yes,” Dan answers, not lifting his head.
“Was that your beau you just snuck out of here?”
“I wouldn’t exactly say beau.”
“Oh, but I would. You didn’t let them out of your room hardly at all yesterday. Though, I didn’t hear anything. Was someone getting kinky?” Dan’s face turns red, and Carter throws his head back in laughter.
“We’re just friends,” Dan murmurs. Carter chuckles and shakes his head.
“Keep telling yourself that,” he replies with a wink.
~~~
“How did you know you were gay?” Dan asks. Carter stops moving ground the kitchen and stares at him. It’s later on Sunday night. Dan had spent the whole day lying in bed, replaying the whole weekend over in his head.
“I guess I always knew,” Carter replies with a tilt of his head.
“When did you tell people?” Carter leans against the counter and braces his arms along the top.
“My early teens. I was maybe fourteen.”
“It must have been easy for you.”
Carter immediately straightens up and crosses his arms over his chest. “What do you mean?” he asks through clenched teeth.
“Just-I guess the way you are,” Dan stumbles out. He knew the words were wrong the minute they slipped from between his lips. Logically, he knew that Carter’s flamboyant nature has nothing to do with his sexuailty. However, he can’t help, but make the correlation in his head.
“The way I am? The way I am?” Carter exclaims. “You know nothing about the way I am.”
“I’m-” He tries to apologize, but the words die on his lips.
“No. You have no idea the struggle that others have gone through — people like me. How dare you judge?” With that Carter pushes past him.
Dan returns to his room, laying in bed with tears falling from his face. He’s typing out his third message to Phil.
Phil doesn’t respond.
~~~
Phil: Sorry I didn’t respond last night. I had something to take care of. Everything is good now.
Phil: Good morning. I can’t wait to see you. I miss you already.
Dan reads the messages and does nothing to suppress the smile on his face. His heart clenches in the best way possible.
~~~
“What’s got you all smiley?” Iman asks as Dan slides into his desk. Dan still hasn’t been able to wipe the smile from this morning off his face. He found a drawing of the him and Phil in his locker. Phil had snuck it in there and Dan’s holding in his his hand, inside of his hoodie pocket. He ducks his head and feels his cheeks heat up.
“Nothing,”  Dan mumbles. Iman settles into her seat and stares at Dan.
“It’s a good look on you,” she says after a few moments of silence.
“What? Redness?”
“Happiness.”
~~~
Tuesday brings a sappy note from Phil found in Dan’s locker. It puts a smile on his face that he wears all the way home.
“What has you smiling?” Carter asks as soon as Dan steps through the door. Dan stops short. He blinks a few times.
“You’re talking to me again?” he asks as he sits onto the couch next to Carter. Carter shrugs.
“Just because we’re fighting doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” Dan nods and then takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.” Carter raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry I was a jackass and said nasty things to you. It was wrong to make assumptions. I should be more sensitive towards your sexuality.” Carter nods.
“Yes. Especially because it’s also your sexuality.” Dan’s eyes go wide.
“No. Yes. Maybe,” he sputters. Carter smirks. “Why would you say that?”
“I met you drunk in a gay bar. You were upset because the handsome bartender wouldn’t hit on you nor give you more to drink.” Dan recalls the moment and shutters.
“I’m not one hundred percent,” he confesses. His voice is barely above a whisper. Carter shrugs and pats Dan on the shoulder.
“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be there to help you.” He stands and heads to leave the room.
“Wait,” Dan calls. Carter stops and turns back towards Dan.
“Are we okay?” Carter laughs.
“Yes honey. I forgave you about half an hour after our fight. I’m accept your apology and my offer still stands.” With that, he leaves a stunned Dan sitting on the couch.
~~~
Dan finds another note from Phil in his locker on Wednesday. This one is asking Dan out for a coffee date later that night.
Dan: Yes
Phil: Excellent. I’ll meet you in the quad after school.
~~~
“Hey good lookin’,” Phil whispers into Dan’s ear. Dan jumps and takes a step back.
“Hey you.” He waves awkwardly. Mentally, he smacks himself in the head for being so awkward. Luckily for him, Phil choses to smirk rather than make a comment.
“Ready to go?” Dan nods. Phil steps close as they head out of the quad and tries to take Dan’s hand with his own. Dan recoils, side stepping the attempt. Phil’s face falls briefly, but he goes right back to smiling as if nothing happened.
They end up in a coffee shop on the high street. Dan can feel his frayed nerves. Phil appears to be as cool as a cucumber. With his gentle voice, he puts Dan at ease. So much so that Dan briefly forgets that they’re on a date.  They spend the evening flirting over caffeine. Later, once Phil has walked Dan to his door, they trade coffee-flavored kisses.
~~~
Thursday brings yet another note from Phil. It’s a coffee cup with steam coming out of it. The steam forms the shape of a heart. Dan feels his own heart skip a beat.
He invites Phil over to study that night. Phil enthusiastically agrees. Dan had legitimately thought they were going to study. Phil had another plan in mind. His plan is pinning Dan to his bed and kissing him within an inch of his life. Dan’s definitely on board with Phil’s plan.
~~~
“Dan!” Emma calls out as she makes her way towards Dan and his friends. It’s Friday and they’re standing in the quad before school, chatting as they wait for the bell to ring. Emma and her friends stop in front of them. She’s clearly the leader of the group as her friends are clustered behind her.
“Yes Emma?” Dan tries to keep the distaine out of his voice, but he can hear the way her name grates at his ears.
“There’s this party tomorrow, and I would absolutely love for you to come.” She’s looking at him with a hopeful expression.
“Um-”
“Hell yeah. We would love to come,” Alec butts in. Emma’s eyes go wide as if she’s just realizing that there are others around. Emma’s friends giggle.
“Oh, yeah. You’re all invited, too.” She appears nervous and Dan’s hand twitches to give her a reassuring pat on the arm. He presses his hand tightly into his thigh.
“Can’t wait,” Jonas replies, elbowing Dan in the ribs. Dan coughs and nods his head. Emma doesn’t even appear phased.
“Can’t wait,” Dan squeaks out.
Later that night, Dan texts Phil. He waits until the wee hours of the morning, but a response never comes.
~~~
The boys walk up to a two story house; the place where Emma said the party would be taking place. There’s loud music that can be heard nearly a block away. There are people all over the lawn and, from what they can see through the open door, inside the house.
“No way, guys,” the guy standing guard at the door states.
“What do you mean?” Jonas asks. Dan hangs back, happy to let Jonas take the lead.
“I can’t let you in.”
“Emma invited us.” The guy looks at the group with scepticism and disbelief. Dan steps closer to the guy.
“Emma really did invite us. Can I at least go in and tell her that we’re here?” The man nods and motions with his arm. Dan hurries up the steps and through the door.
There are people everywhere, just as Dan had suspected: dancing, drinking, and making out. The bass in the music is so loud that Dan can feel it vibrating in his bones. Colorful lights flash to the beat. As Dan scans the crowd for Emma, a familiar shape catches his eye. Standing on a landing on the other side of the room is Phil. He’s talking very closely with Lily. They seem to be laughing and smiling at each other.
Dan’s breathing stops and his chest tightens as he watches Phil and Lily lock lips. ‘Everything I knew has been a lie,’ he thinks to himself. The bodies meld with the lights, and it all becomes a blur. Anger flares through him as he turns on his heel and rushes out the door. He pushes through the people crossing the porch and stumbles onto the grass.
“Dan? Dan?” Jonas calls. Dan bends over and places his hands on his knees. Bile rises in his throat and he sucks in deeps breaths. He’s trying to keep himself from being sick. Jonas walks over and places his hand on his back.
Dan recoils immediately and stands up. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he cries. Jonas looks bewildered and puts up his hands as he backs away.
“What’s your deal, mate?” Alec asks as he advances towards Dan. Dan turns around and tries to leave, but Alec grabs his shoulder before he can. “Where are you going? Where’s Emma? What’s going on?”
“Fuck off,” Dan spits out. Alec still has a hold of Dan’s shoulder. Every part of Dan’s body and mind is screaming at him to run. He needs to get away from this house right away or he’s afraid that he’s going to lose it more than he already is.
Dan pulls his arm back and punches Alec in the face. Alec drops his hand and clutches his face; doubling over. Dan turns on his heels and sprints down the street, ignoring the throbbing pain in his hand. His friends call after him, but it only spurs him on.
~~~
Dan burst through the door of his flat, startling his roomates that are sat in the living room. They watch as he tears through, banging the door to his room against the wall. He slams the door and flings himself on to the bed. He pulls his ever-buzzing phone out of his hoodie pocket. He has a bunch of texts and miss calls from his friends, even a few angry ones from Emma. Also, a couple from his mum — not that he really wants to deal with that right now. There’s nothing from Phil.
He burrows his head into his pillows. Tears flow freely and dampen the cotton below him. His whole body shakes as sobs escape his mouth. No matter how deeply he breathes, he can’t get enough oxygen into his lungs. His body feels as if it’s on fire and he screams into his pillow.
~~~
“Seriously Dan?” Emma’s shrill voice pierces the air next to him. Dan silently groans to himself and taps his head against his locker.
“Seriously what?” His voice is sharp. Emma rolls her eyes and scoffs. Dan bites his lip as he swallows down a sarcastic comment to her reaction.
“You ditched me yet again on Saturday. I invited you guys and yet none of you bothered to show up. What is your deal?” Emma crosses her arm over her chest and stares intently at Dan.
“Something came up. I’m sorry.”
Emma scoffs, “You really need a new excuse.”
“Drop it please. It’s not an excuse. If you want to believe that, then that’s on you.” With that, he brushes past her and heads down the hall.
~~~
Free period that day is lonelier than it usually is. Dan’s sitting on the wall of the quad with his headphones in, trying to block out the world. He hasn’t spoken to any of his friends since the failed party attempt two days prior. Sure, he had received a few messages from them, but he hadn’t responded. He’s not sure what he can say or how to explain what’s been going on with him. The words fluctuate between being on the tip of his tongue and dissipating into nothingness.
Phil’s seated across the quad with his friends. Dan finds himself glancing at him every now and then; he can’t help himself. Phil keeps looking over at him. Dan’s caught him a few times. He’s trying to get Dan’s attention, but Dan won’t give him anything but the barest glances. His heart hurts too much.
Dan’s the only one of the core four that’s in the quad. The boys have been avoiding each other. Shame has been Dan’s baseline since that happened. Dan pushes himself off the wall he’s been sitting on and walks towards the school. He doesn’t look back at Phil, no matter how much he wants to.
~~~
Dan opens up his locker, getting out his science book. A piece of paper tumbles to the ground. He bends down, picking and opening it up. There’s two boys sitting on a windowsill, facing each other. It’s a clear depiction of Dan and Phil sitting in Phil’s flat.
There’s a thought bubble above Phil’s head. ‘He’s so beautiful,’ the bubble states. Tears spring to Dan’s eyes. The words “cruel” and “ironic” spring to his mind. A single tear slides down his cheek and he quickly brushes it away. He grabs his book and slams his locker shut, shoving the now crumbled drawing into his pocket. He swears it’s burning a hole through the fabric. He hurries down the hallway, hoping no one sees him.
~~~
“You look like crap,” a familiar voice says. Dan looks up through his fringe at Iman. She’s standing next to their shared table, staring intently at him. He snorts.
“Thanks. I can feel the love,” His voice is flat, and he grimaces at her. Iman snorts and drops into her seat. She bumps her shoulder into his and he raises an eyebrow at her.
“I just mean that you look like that you’ve had a rough couple of days,” she says with a shrug. Dan sighs and drops his chin to his chest.
“You could say that.” There’s a moment of silence before Iman breaks it.
“I’m here if you ever want to talk.” Dan appreciates the gesture. Even though they had run in similar circles, they’ve never been close. Not until they started this class together.
“Thanks,” he mumbles.
~~~
Dan’s sitting on his bed. The only light comes from his bedside table. It’s casting a soft, yellow glow over the space. The world outside is dark and has been for a while. His eyes are red and tear tracks stain his cheeks. His whole face feels puffy. He runs his hands through his hair, twisting his fingers to pull sharply at the strands he can barely feel the pain.
Dan: I can’t do this anymore
He sends the text before he can talk himself out of it. It’s only a few minutes later that Phil texts back.
Phil: What do you mean?
Dan sighs.
Dan: It’s been fun, but it’s over now
Dan drops his phone onto his bed and stares at the wall.
Phil: Dan? What are you talking about?
Phil: Dan? Baby?
Phil: What’s going on? What happened?
Phil: Baby?
Dan tosses the phone to the far side of his bed. He wraps his arms around himself and curls over. Tears stream down his face and sobs escape from his mouth. His shoulders shake.
A few minutes later, there’s a knock at his door. Dan’s too far gone to even acknowledge it. Carter lets himself in after a few moments.
“Oh Dan,” he coos as he gets a look at him. He quickly crosses the space and settles on the bed against the pillows. He opens his arms wide, and Dan crawls into them, burrowing himself against Carter’s chest. Carter wraps his arms tightly around Dan and holds him close. Dan sobs, his tears soaking Carter’s shirt.
“Dan, sweetie,” Carter whispers and Dan cries harder. Carter brings one of his hands up and gently runs it over Dan’s head and down his back. “It’s ok. It’s ok,” he assures him. Dan shakes his head fervently, smearing his tears and snot across Carter’s shirt. “Yes, it is,” Carter responds.
“No,” Dan quietly wails.
~~~
The next week is the longest week of Dan’s life. The hours seem to drag along. Everyone around him seems to be moving at supersonic speed while he’s left standing still. He goes through the motions, not really registering anything around him. His patience is hanging on by a thread, threatening to break at a moment’s notice.
Monday brings a rumor that Dan is gay, spreading throughout the student body like wildfire. He can see the whispers and stares as he makes his way through the halls. He keeps his head down and curls into himself.
Each day brings a new drawing from Phil in his locker. Drawings of confusion, broken hearts, and desperate pleas for Dan to talk to him. They do nothing but drive the stake deeper into Dan’s heart and make him cry himself to sleep every night.
The issues with Phil come to a head on Wednesday. The note in Dan’s locker which wasn’t doing anything to help his already strung out mood. Phil gets behind him in line in the cafeteria.
“Hey.” Dan glances at Phil. There’s a small smile on his face, and Dan looks away quickly.
“Why haven’t you been returning my messages?” Phil asks. Dan slams food items onto his tray.
“Leave me alone,” Dan forces out through his clenched teeth.
“Please,” Phil begs. His voice is a pleading whisper.
“Stop. I’m not yours, and clearly I never was,” Dan spits out, whirling on his heels to face Phil. They’re a few hairs breath away from each other. Dan can smell the scent of Phil’s body wash and feel his breath brush against his skin.
“What are you talking about?” Phil’s eyes are wide with confusion. He’s frantically flickering them over Dan’s face as if all the answers are written across his skin.
“Leave me alone. I saw you at the party on Saturday. I saw the way Lily and you were all over each other. You two are nice together” Dan brushes past Phil and storms out of the cafeteria.
Later that night, Dan gets a slew of messages from Phil; he calls Dan “baby” and “sweetheart.” Phil pleads for Dan to talk to him;, that Dan just needs to hear him out. Dan silences his phone and curls onto his side, crying into his pillow, and falling asleep like that.
~~~
“You need to talk to someone,” Iman states as soon as she arrives to science on Thursday. Dan looks up at her. There are dark circles under his eyes and his face is puffy from the crying he’s been doing most of the week.
“Are you saying this because I look awful?” Dan’s voice is rough and Iman grimaces. She shrugs.
“A bit, but it seems like you’re going through a really rough patch.” It’s Dan’s turn to shrug. Iman reaches out and firmly places her hand on his arm. Dan looks up at her.
“Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through,” Iman begins. Dan opens his mouth, but one narrowed-eyed look from Iman causes him to shut his mouth. “You never have to tell me what you’re going through, but you should talk to someone. This person should be someone that you trust.” Dan nods his head.
“I’ll think about it.” Iman nods.
~~~
During science, Dan texted Jonas. He asked if they could meet up and get food together. Jonas enthusiastically agreed.
The two of them take their food and make their way through the park. They sit on a bench, quietly eating their food. After they’ve finished, they sit in silence for a few minutes. They’re staring out at the other people making their way through the park. Dan’s stomach is twisted in knots. His head aches and his chest hurts.
“I’m sorry,” Dan says, breaking the silence. Jonas raises his eyebrows and turns to face Dan.
“For?” he asks.
Dan sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “For being evasive. For the party. I need to apologize to Alec for punching him.”
Jonas chuckles and shrugs. “I mean, yes, you should apologize to him, but he got in your face. I would have punched him too. We’re not mad at you, if that’s what you’ve been worried about.” Dan gives a wiry, tight lipped smile. Jonas bumps their shoulders together. “Hey. You want to tell me what has been going on with you?”
Dan sighs. His mind races as it flips through the past few weeks. “My mum is getting worse. I’m not sure how worse, but she seems to be losing it.”
Jonas frowns. “I’m sorry man. That has to suck.” Dan shrugs. They’ve been friends for long enough that Dan doesn’t really have to explain everything to Jonas. He just gets it.
“Is there anything else going on?” Jonas asks. Dan bites his lip and gives a small, quick nod. He can feel that this is the now or never moment; the whole reason that they’re really here. After a few beats, Jonas waves his hand in circular motion, indicating that Dan should continue.
“I think I’m gay,” Dan states in a hushed voice. He feels as if a weight has been lifted off of his chest. The feeling is instantaneous. All the baggage and emotions that he’s been lugging around for weeks seeps to dissipate, leaving a brief euphoric feeling behind. Then, he immediately begins to sweat as he waits for Jonas’ response. Jonas takes a beat and then nods his head.
“So the rumor is true?”
“Yes,” Dan whispers.
Jonas nods again. “Alright. Thanks for being honest.”
Dan moves his head backwards and his eyes become wide. “You’re not freaking out?” His voice goes up in pitch slightly. He takes a couple of deep breaths. His head is spinning. Jonas chuckles and bumps his shoulder against Dan’s.
“It’s not like you suddenly grew a second, purple lizard head. You’re still Dan. The only difference now is that you can talk to me about cute boys,” Jonas teases. He winks, and Dan lets out a relieved laugh. The knot in his chest loosens, and he sucks in a deep breath.
“So, what about Emma?” Jonas asks after a few minutes of silence. Dan sighs and runs his hand over his face.
“Remember that party at Cara’s house about a while back?”
“Ya. We were so high,” Jonas states with a big smile. Dan rolls his eyes and gives a dry chuckle.
“That’s where I met Emma. She offered me a drug and I said yes. We shared it with a kiss, passing the drug from one of our mouths to another.”
“She’s clearly a girl though,” Jonas interrupts. Dan nods.
“I’m aware. She’s boyish enough that I didn’t think of it at the time. Also, being high helped. Well, sort of.” Jonas quirks his eyebrow.“She tried to go down on me. I stopped her, but ever since then she’s been trying to get us together.”
“Haven’t you been dating her?”
Dan sighs. “In a way. I’ve been confused. I haven’t been entirely sure when it comes to my sexuality. Though, I’m about ninety-nine percent sure that I’m gay.”
“How so?”
“I like a guy.”
“Oh ya?” Jonas asks with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. “Is it me?” Dan laughs. “It’s me isn’t it?”
“No.” Dan shakes his head. “His name is Phil.”
“How’s that going?” Dan sighs.
“It’s complicated.”
“Are you going to tell the boys?”
“I need to apologize to them.”
“That’s not the answer. If you tell them, they’re going to be fine with it. Host a get-together, and we can tell them together.”
“Oh ya? Like we’re coming out as a couple?” Dan jokes.
Jonas laughs. “Yes. Exactly.”
~~~
“Dan!” Emma’s voice rings down the hallway. Dan sighs and slumps against the wall of lockers. Emma hussels down the hall, ignoring the other students who are staring at her.
“Yes, Emma?” Dan states as she stops right in front of him. Her eyes are narrowed and her face is pinched. Dan braces himself for whatever rant he knows is coming.
“You owe me the truth.”
Dan straightens up and crosses his arms over his chest.
“The truth about us. The truth about this rumor.”
“The rumor is true,” Dan states in a no-nonsense tone. Emma’s face crumbles.
“What?”
“I’m gay.” Relief floods his chest at his confession.
“Did we mean nothing?” Emma’s voice wobbles. She looks close to tears.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t you. It’s me.”
“Bullshit!” Emma cries.
“I’m sorry,” Dan states. He awkwardly pats her shoulder and hurries away from her.
~~~
The boys are sat around Dan’s kitchen table. There are drinks in front of each of them. They’re pre-gaming for a party later, but Dan’s unsure that he’s going.
“Have you heard the rumor going around?” Ryder asks. Jonas and Dan quickly look at each other.
“What rumor?” Jonas asks. Dan’s relieved that, once again, Jonas is taking charge.
“That Dan is gay. It’s crazy right?” Ryder laughs and takes a sip of his drink. Dan and Jonas look at each other. A wordless conversation passes between them. Dan clears his throat and looks directly at Ryder.
“I am.” His words hang in the air, heavy and weighted.
“You are?” Both Ryder and Alec exclaim. Their faces share matching surprised expressions.
“Yes,” Dan answers with a nod.
“Is that why you’ve been so secretive lately?” Alec asks.
Dan shrugs. “That’s part of it. I’ve only recently come to this realization. Also, I met someone.” Both Alec and Ryder raise their eyebrows.
“Do you have a boy-toy stashed somewhere?” Ryder asks in a teasing manner. Dan rolls his eyes and Jonas snorts.
“He’s not a boy-toy. His name is Phil, and we were seeing each other, but we aren’t anymore.” Dan looks down and takes a sip of his drink. The boys stare at Dan, waiting for him to continue. Jonas squeezes Dan’s arm and Dan gives him a half smile.
“Did he have a tiny dick?” Ryder asks, and everyone chuckles. Dan shakes his head.
“No. He decided that he didn’t want to be with me.”
“Did this happen at the party on Saturday?” Alec asks.
“In a way. I’m sorry that I punched you,” Dan apologizes.
Alec shrugs. “It’s all good. If I just got dumped, I would have punched something, too.”
“I shouldn’t have punched you, though. That was awful of me, and I’m truly sorry.” Alec waves him off.
“We’re all good.” Dan nods. They lapse into a silence, each quietly sipping their drinks.
“So when you have sex, who’s the guy and who’s the girl?” Ryder asks, breaking the silence. Jonas, Dan, and Alec throw their heads back in laughter. Ryder stares at them with confusion. “What?” he asks.
“I could ask you the same question,” Dan responds. This causes Jonas and Alec to howel louder with laughter.
Dan’s phone goes off, beeping and flashing from its spot on the table. He glances down at it; betting it’s either his mum send him a religious message or Phil begging for them to speak. Dan gives himself a mental cookie as he sees the message is from Phil.
Look out the window
Dan furrows his brow and frowns. He stands up and walks around the table, looking out of the kitchen window. On the pavement, underneath the streetlight, Phil is standing. Dan’s eyes go wide, and his mouth drops open.
“What is it?” Jonas asks, noticing the change in Dan’s body language.
“Phil’s outside.” Alec and Ryder turn quickly around so that they can stare at Dan. Dan’s phone goes off again.
May I please come up?
Dan becomes briefly lightheaded. He wants to say no; to stick to his guns and push Phil away like he’s been doing all week. On the other hand, he misses him. His body craves Phil’s warmth like it’s a drug.
“You guys have to go,” Dan announces, making up his mind. He types back an affirmation to Phil and places his phone on the kitchen counter.
“Your Phil?” Jonas asks. Dan nods his head.
“Yes. Now leave.” Dan grabs Ryder and hoists him out of his chair.
“You should let us meet him,” Ryder states as Dan shoves the three down the hallway. Dan’s herding them towards the back door that leads to the deck and another set of stairs.
“I need my shoes,” Alec cries as they stumble into each other. Dan stoops down and grabs the shoes, tossing them out onto the deck.
“Come on. We just want to meet him,” Jonas pleads. Dan shakes his head and pushes them through the door.
“No,” he states firmly before he shuts the door in their faces. He can hear them groaning on the other side, but he could care less. Not even a minute after he shuts the door on his friends, there’s a knock at his front door.
Dan swallows hard as he makes his way towards the front door. He takes a deep breath and then opens it. Phil is standing on the other side. He’s wearing his signature hoodie and jean jacket combination. Dan flicks his eyes up and down Phil’s body. He feels the way that his heart tightens in his throat, the breath catches in his throat, and his body starts to warm. They meet halfway between them, their lips clashing together.
Phil reaches out, taking Dan in his hands. Dan grabs Phil, pulling him close and into the apartment. Their bodies press against each other as Dan shoves the door close. Phil’s hands start to roam over Dan’s chest. Dan pushes off Phil’s jacket and Phil knocks Dan’s hat off his head.
“I-,” Phil starts when they’ve broken the kiss, each sucking air into their lungs. Dan leans in and catches Phil’s lips. He shushes him.
“Later,” Dan mumbles against Phil’s mouth. Phil nods his head and begins to kiss Dan’s neck, making his way down his body. Phil drops to his knees and runs his hands along the waist of Dan’s jeans, undoing them. Dan’s head tips back and his eyes close, his mouth dropping open as Phil mouths at him through his boxers.
~~~
The next morning, Dan wakes up in his bed with the sunlight spilling over his face. He stretches and then becomes painfully aware that he’s alone. Phil isn’t laying next to him as he was when they fell asleep the night before.
Dan sits up and glances around the room. Phil’s not in the room, nor are his clothes. Dan feels his heart clench in his chest, causing him to suck in a few shallow breaths. He slowly shuffles out of bed, half-heartedly getting dressed.
It’s only once he’s opened his door that he hears the noise. A quick glance at his phone tells him that it’s too early for Carter and Nora to be back already. With a furrowed brow, Dan makes his way to the kitchen. He stops short in the doorway. Phil is moving around, making breakfast.
“Morning,” Phil calls. His face is bright and open, as if he’s excited to see Dan.
“What are you doing?” Dan asks.
Phil rolls his eyes and turns back towards the stove. He pushes something around in the pan. “I’m obviously making breakfast.”
Dan crosses the kitchen and leans his right hip against the counter. There’s a slight frown on his face “I can see that. I thought you left.” Phil spins around on his heel and stares at Dan with furrowed brows.
“What?” Phil’s mouth hangs open slightly.
“You weren’t there when I woke up.” Dan’s voice is small and soft. Phil’s whole face softens.
“Oh, no. I wanted to surprise you when you woke up, but you got up before I could come back with food.” Phil steps close and wraps his arms around Dan, pulling them flush against each other. Dan wraps his arms the best he can around Phil’s middle and exhales softly against Phil’s neck.
Phil steps back and turns his attention to the food. He starts singing Teenage Dream loudly and off-key. Dan groans.
“What? You don’t like my singing?” Phil questions, looking over his shoulder and winking at Dan.
“I can’t believe that the man of my dreams likes Katy Perry?” Phil quickly turns off the burner and crowds close to Dan.
“I’m the man of your dreams?” Phil’s eyes are bright and full of wonder. Dan’s breath catches in his throat. Their eyes quickly roam each others’ faces before locking.
“Um-” Dan starts. Phil steps closer. They’re almost sharing breaths.
“Say it again,” Phil requests in a whisper.
“You’re the man of my dreams.”
Phil leans forward, bring his hands up and cradling Dan’s face in between them. He tilts his head and slotting their lips together. Dan melts into the kiss, easily returning the kiss.
~~~
Dan bounds out of bed Monday morning with a pep in his step and a smile on his face. He and Phil spent the whole weekend together, either cuddling or making out or eating in Dan’s bed. Dan’s extremely excited. Not even waking up to a text message from his father, wondering if the three of them (Dan, his father, and his mother) could attend a special church service together, could ruin his mood. He closes out of the conversation, deciding to postpone responding until later.
~~~
“How does religion feel about homosexuals?” Dan asks Iman. It’s science class again, and they’re waiting for it to get started.
“It varies from religion to religion, but most don’t come off as favorable towards them,” Iman replies.
“I can see that.”
“If someone uses religion to fuel hatred, then they really don’t understand religion. Religion is all about inclusion and acceptance.”
“Interesting,” Dan muses. It gives him a few things to think about.
~~~
Dan’s laying in bed, texting Phil. They’ve been talking about movies when Dan remembers the text from his father and his discussion with Iman.
Dan: I’ve been invited to a church service with my parents
Phil: Oh ya? Are you going to go?
Dan: Maybe. Would you like to go with me?
Minutes past and three little dots appear in the text conversation. Dan’s chest tightens and sweat breaks out across his forehead.
Phil: Yes
Dan’s chest eases, and he begins to breathe easier. A smile spreads across his face.
~~~
The next day, Dan’s standing a circle in the stairwell with the boys. It’s free period. They’re chatting, laughing, and hanging out to pass the time. Slowly, Phil walks up to the group. Aweary smile is on his face, and he’s looking directly at Dan. The boys stop their conversation and turn their attention to the newcomer. Dan can feel the nerves radiating off of Phil.
“Hey,” Phil says at Dan. Dan gives a small grin.
“Hey,” Dan responds. Phil comes to stand next to him.  Dan can feel the other boys staring at him. He blushes and clears his throat. “This is Phil,” he says with a sweep of his hand in Phil’s direction.
“Hi guys,” Phil says. The boys greet him back, and there’s a few moments of silence before Ryder’s eyes go wide.
“No way! This is Phil? Your Phil?” he exclaims to Dan. Jonas and Alec laugh. Dan’s blush deepens, and Phil raises an eyebrow. He looks at Dan with a mix of amusement and confusion. Ryder quickly hurries towards Phil and hugs him.
“It’s great to meet you,” Ryder exclaims. Phil hugs him back.
“Great to meet you, too. Ryder, right?” Ryder nods enthusiastically with a large smile. Phil laughs.
“Just ignore him, he’s special,” Alec says as he steps forward, pushing Ryder out of the way. “I’m Alec.” He puts his hand out, and Phil grasps it.
“Phil.” They shake and nod at each other. Jonas steps up next and greets Phil. Dan watches the whole scene and can’t help smiling. Seeing Phil interact with his friends warms his heart. Phil steps over and touches Dan’s arm, startling Dan out of his head. Dan takes a slight step back. Phil doesn’t even acknowledge the movement.
“Hey,” Phil whispers.
“Hey.” Dan smiles at him, and Phil smiles back.
“I have to run, but I saw you and couldn’t resist saying hi.”
Dan nods his head. “I’ll text you.” With a smile and one last hand pat, Phil walks away.
“It was nice to meet you,” he calls as he reaches the top of the stairs. The boys call out a similar phrase. Phil walks down two steps before stopping. Dan and the boys are staring at him.
“What are you doing?” Dan asks with a roll of his eyes.
“You look so good, I can’t help staring. You’re gorgeous,” Phil calls out, before slowly descending the stairs; never taking his eyes off of Dan. One of the boys wolf whistles behind Dan, but he’s too busy covering his blushed colored face with his hands.
~~~
Later that night, Dan’s laying in bed and texting Phil. His flips over to his ongoing conversation with his father. The man is still waiting for Dan’s response to his question. Dan takes a deep breath.
Dan: I will go to the service with you and Mum, but I have a request.
Father: That’s great. What’s the request?
Dan: I would like to bring my friend
Father: That’s good. Your mother would probably enjoy the company.
Dan: It’s my boyfriend.
Dan’s father doesn’t respond right away. This causes the Dan to start freaking out.
Father: You have a boyfriend?
Dan: Yes. Is that going to be a problem?
Father: Maybe from your mother, but never from me. I love you, Dan.
Tears spring to Dan’s eyes, and relief floods his body.
Dan: I love you too
~~~
It’s Saturday morning, and Dan’s walking down the street, bundled up against the cool autumn air. He’s hurrying down the pavement, passing people leisurely going about their day. He walks into the coffeehouse, about five minutes after he’s supposed to be there. Phil isn’t there yet, causing Dan to breath out a sigh of relief. He grabs a hot chocolate and settles in next to the window.
Dan jumps as someone knocks on the glass. He turns and sees Phil standing outside. He’s smiling wide, and Dan smiles back. Phil breaths on the window and takes his gloved hand, drawing a heart on the window. Dan melts a little and breathes on the window on his side, drawing an arrow through the heart. Phil smiles wide. He signals for Dan to come outside.
“Hey,” Phil exclaims. He reaches out to take Dan’s hand, but Dan recoils. Phil’s smile falters slightly, but he nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. He fills out his smile and turns on his heel, heading down the street. Dan hustles to keep up.
“Hey. Where are we going?” Phil turns his head towards Dan and Dan’s temporarily stunned by brightness of his expression.
“We are going to a hotel.”
Dan furrows his brow. “A hotel?”
~~~
The hotel that Phil leads them to is nicer than anything Dan could afford. He’s stunned as they walk across the lobby at the grandness of everything.
“Phil,” Dan hisses, trying to get Phil’s attention. Phil ignores him and slides up to the front desk.
“Hello, I would like a room please.” Phil smiles wide. Dan shifts nervously.
“It will be one moment,” the receptionist states. Phil leans against the counter.
“This is my boyfriend,” Phil states, pulling Dan closer. Dan smiles wearily at the receptionist.
“You look lovely together,” she says, still typing on the computer.
“He’s extremely handsome. I think he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. I’m going to marry him one day,” Phil gushes. Dan’s eyes go wide as he looks at the side of Phil’s head. ‘Marriage? We’ve barely been dating,’ Dan thinks. His mind slightly shorts out. The receptionist smiles at them and hands Phil the room cards.
“I wish you all the luck in the future,” she states. Phil heads off towards the elevators, and Dan follows in a daze. ‘Marriage’ is the only word repeating in his head.
They’re in the glass elevator. Dan’s stares out at the city. He’s in disbelief that they’re going up so high. Phil touches his arm, and Dan tears his gaze away from the scene, looking at him. Phil smiles and crowds Dan, kissing him. Dan smiles against Phil’s lips. Their hands come up and grasp each other’s, pulling them closer together as the kiss deepens.
~~~
Dan’s laying flat on the bed. Well, nearly flat. His head is propped up with the pillows. The soft sheets rub gently against his overheated, naked skin. The breath catches in his throat as he watches the scene in front of him.
Phil is as naked as Dan. He’s slowly crawling up Dan’s body, leaving feather-like kisses every now and then. Dan’s skin is tingling under Phil’s lips and the touch of his fingertips; which he’s been dragging over the already-kissed skin.
Dan’s bites his lips as Phil works his way up Dan’s chest. Their crotches rub together and each let out a soft moan. Dan leans forward and catches Phil’s lips with his own. Their tongues twist around each other. Dan brings his hands up and dances them over Phil’s back.
“I want you.” Phil’s voice is heavy with desire. Dan tries to convey his answer with his eyes and captures Phil’s lips in another kiss; pouring all of his unspoken words into it.
~~~
They’re sitting on the floor of the room. Dan is leaning against the foot of the bed in only his boxers. Phil’s wrapped up in a sheet and leaning against the wall. Room service is spread out between them. Two orders of burgers and fries along with a bottle of champagne.
“So we’re getting married?” Dan asks, poking at Phil with his foot. Now that things have slowed down slightly, Dan can finally articulate the question that’s been rolling around in his head. Phil smiles wide and takes a large sip of his drink.
“Yes. Yes we are.” He sounds so sure. Dan bites his lower lip.
“Really?” Dan’s voice is full of disbelief. Insecurity is creeping into his chest. Phil reaches out and grasps Dan’s ankle.
“Yes.” He’s looking deep into Dan’s eyes, and Dan starts to relax. Phil’s eyes always put him at ease.
“Why?” Dan smiles, but he’s out done by Phil lighting up the space between them. Dan can feel himself melt. He’s briefly transported back to sitting on Phil’s bicycle, feeling as if he’s sitting on top of the world.  
“Why wouldn’t we? I love you.” Phil goes back to eating as if nothing had happened. Dan’s heart takes a few moments to start beating again. His breath catches in his throat. ‘Holy shit,’ is all he can think.
~~~
It’s late, and something brings Dan out of his sleep. He doesn’t want to open his eyes and hopes that he will slip back to dreamland easily. There’s rustling in the room. Dan groans.
“Phil?” Dan calls out. His voice is deep and heavy with sleep. Also, partially muffled by the pillow his face is half smushed in.
“I’m going to go out. Go back to sleep,” Phil says, moving to another part of the room. Dan groans again and waves his hand.
“Babe. Come back to bed.” Phil shakes his head. He moves through the room again.
“In a minute. I’m going to go get food. I’ll be back soon.” The door opens and then shuts.
Dan’s sleep addled brain is slow to process Phil’s statement, but when it does, he bolts straight up. He scrambles out of bed and tears through the room. All of Phil’s possessions, including his clothes, are still in the room. Phil isn’t. Dan scrambles to get dressed.
The elevator takes forever to reach the floor and Dan half considers taking the stairs. Just as he moves towards them, the elevator arrives. He dashes inside and hits the lobby button. He presses the door close button over and over, as if everything will happen faster if he presses it more frequently.
Dan pushes open the hotel’s front door and swirls his head around. The whole area is deserted. He turns right and starts running down the street, looking everywhere for anything that looks like Phil. He’s frantically calling Phil’s name. He’s circles around the hotel, but he can’t find him. He pulls out Phil’s cell phone and dials the first person he could think of.
“Lily? I can’t find Phil.”
~~~
Once Dan had gotten off the phone with Lily, he sprinted to the next street over. Phil’s nowhere to be found there either. A text from Lily sends him running back towards the hotel. He as a cab pulls up in front. Lily steps out of the cab. She’s illuminated by the closest street light and, right at this moment, Dan thinks she’s an angel.
“Lily. Thank god,” Dan calls as he stops in front of her. Relief floods through him. He was close to tears from worry, but Lily seems to have answers.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she screams. Dan is taken aback.
“What?” he asks with confusion.
“How could you let him out of your sight?” Dan furrows his brows.
“Do you know where he is? I told you, he walked out when I was dozing back off.”
Lily huffs. “He’s been picked up by the police. No thanks to you.” Lily turns her back to Dan.
“I didn’t know he was going to run off naked,” Dan shoots back.
“He’s bipolar. He’s been manic the whole time you’ve known him. Stay the hell away from him.” Lily storms off, leaving a bewildered Dan standing on the pavement.
~~~
Monday’s weather is a reflection of how Dan feels inside: dreary and grey. The weekend feels like a weird fever dream. After Lily left him on the pavement, Dan returned to the hotel. He gathered all their belongings and checked out of the hotel. He’s thankful that Phil had paid for the room before they checked in. All Dan had to cover was the room service.
Dan had tried to contact Phil, but his calls and texts went unanswered. He begins to worry. He spends all day in a fog, not really noticing life happening around him. When he gets home that night, he googles bipolar disorder. Then, he spends the rest of the night flipping through the results.
~~~
There’s no word about or from Phil by Wednesday. Dan’s mood had kept slipping lower and lower with each passing hour. It comes to a head during lunch.
“Could you please tell us what’s going on?” Jonas asks. Dan looks around the table. Both Alec and Ryder are looking at him with concerned expressions. Dan sighs and drops his head down.
“I think Phil and I are over.” Dan looks up at the boys through his lashes. The boys have matching confused expression.
“Why?” Alec asks.
“You guys seemed so happy just a few days ago,” Jonas chimes in.
“He’s Bipolar and apparently has been manic the entire time we’ve been together.”
Jonas and Alec’s eyes are wide. Ryder’s brow is deeply furrowed.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“He never told me, and then Saturday, he went running naked through the street. I haven’t heard anything since that night. I guess it was the peak of this whole episode.”
“Do you like my mother?” Ryder asks after a moment. It’s Dan’s turn to furrow his brow.
“Yes. She’s awesome.”
“She’s Bipolar.”
“Really?” All the attention turns to Ryder. He nods.
“She has good days and bad. When she’s up, we would do great and sometimes random things, like, going on random trips to amusement parks. When she’s down, it’s struggle. She stays in bed and is low for a while. Even with medication, she still struggles. It’s worth it, though.” Dan’s brain glitches out. He’s known Ryder and his family for years. How he had never noticed, he will never know.
“So they can have lasting relationships?” Dan asks.
Ryder nods. “Yes, but sometimes it isn’t easy.”
“So was our relationship all a lie?”
Ryder shakes his head. “No. It more so enhances what the person is already feeling. Who told you that he was manic the whole time?”
“His ex-girlfriend.” The boys roll their eyes.
“Of course she’s going to say that, she’s the ex,” Jonas states. Dan nods.
~~~
Father: Are you and your boyfriend still coming tonight?
Dan sighs as he reads the message. It’s been a few weeks since everything went down with Phil. Honestly, he had forgotten all about the service. His heart clenches. He had been looking forward to introducing Phil to his parents. That was before that fateful Saturday and Phil basically dropped off the face of the earth.
Dan: I will, but he won’t be
Father: Why not?
Dan: We broke up
Father: I’m sorry to hear that. I’m here for you if you need anything.
Dan smiles and warmth spreads through his chest as he reads the last message. Despite their issues, it’s nice to know that his Father cares for him.
Dan: Thank you I will
~~~
Dan’s parents walk arm-in-arm into the church. He’s following a few steps behind them. Candles are lit everywhere, and people in their Sunday best are filling the sanctuary. Dan shuffles into a pew next to his parents.
The priest takes his place at the pulpit while the choir settles in behind him. The priest starts to speak, but Dan tunes him out. Dan’s phone buzzes for a long time against his leg. He pulls out his phone as discreetly as he can. The choir is starting their first song.
Phil: I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I didn’t tell you about my Bipolar Disorder because I wanted to believe that it didn't matter. That I could have you like me for me. I see now that it was all a mistake. I’m so sorry. I’m at the spot where we first met and I’ve been thinking about everything we went through. I don’t regret our time together, but I understand if you do. Good-bye Dan. I’ll always love you.
Dan’s out of his seat before he can even process what he’s doing. He’s moving as fast as his feet can carry him, holding onto hope that he can make it to the spot before Phil does something drastic.
~~~
He skids to a stop at the bench. It’s empty. Dan’s heart clenches in his chest. He turns in a quick circle. The area around is the pub is deserted. His eyes frantically scan the area, but nothing changes.
A noise behind him causes Dan to jump. He spins around as the door for the pub opens. A dejected and pale looking Phil walks through the doorway. He’s bundled in multiple layers and has a backpack hanging off his shoulders. He slowly shuffles out on the pavement. Dan lets out a sigh of relief.
Phil stops about a foot away from the door. He looks small, scared, and sad. Dan quickly crosses the distance between them, stopping right in front of Phil. They stare at each other for a few moments, and then Dan opens his arms. Phil takes two steps and presses himself close to Dan. Dan wraps his arms around Phil. He feels the weight being lifted off his chest, like he can finally breathe again.
Dan takes Phil back to his place. They strip down to t-shirts and boxers before crawling under Dan’s covers. Phil falls asleep like he hasn’t slept in days. Dan stays awake all night, watching Phil sleep. Slightly worried that if he nods off, Phil will disappear, and this will all have been a dream.
~~~
Phil's phone buzzes and Dan frowns. He quickly picks it up and glances at Phil. He stirs, but, thankfully, doesn't wake.
“Hello?”
“Dan? Oh thank goodness,” Lily states. Dan frowns.
“What?” He’s confused as to why Lily would be wanting to talk to him.
“Look I need to apologize. I reacted horribly the other night when you called.”
“It was a bizarre situation. I don't blame you.” Lily sighs.
“It's not just the other night. It's what you represent.” Dan’s brow furrows.
“What I represent?” he parrots back.
“Phil and I were together for a very long time. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes, I could only think to the next minute to make it through. Then, you came along and I had to face the end. I didn't handle that well.”
“I don't blame you. I didn't mean to come between the two of you.” Lily sighs.
“We were over long before you came into the picture. We were both clinging to the past and neither had a reason to end it. Then you showed up and gave Phil a reason.” Dan’s heart flutters.
“I see.”
“Take care of him.”
“I will.” they hang up without the formalities of good-bye.
Her words tumble around in Dan’s head as he returns to watching Phil sleep. He knows that their relationship won’t be easy, but they’ll be able to work through everything together. Standing hand in hand, taking things minute by minute, they can take on the world.
~~~
“Hey,” Phil states when he wakes up the next morning. Dan gives him a small smile.
“Hey,” Dan whispers.
“Thanks for coming to get me.”
Dan reaches out and cups Phil’s cheek in his hand. He gently rubs his thumb across the skin. “I’ll always come for you.”
Phil closes his eyes briefly and slightly leans into Dan’s touch. “You shouldn’t have to. I should have been honest with you.”
Dan shrugs with one shoulder. “It’s ok. I can understand why you didn’t tell me. I’m not mad. We will just have to work through it.”
Phil rubs his head against the pillow, trying to shake his head. “You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”
Dan shakes his head. “I want to deal with everything when it comes to you. You make it worth it.”
Tears form in Phil’s eyes. “It won’t be easy.”
Dan nods. “I know.”
“What happens when things get tough?” Phil’s voice comes out as a painful whisper.
Dan thinks for a moment. “We’re going to play a game. It’s called the ‘Dan and Phil: Minute by Minute’ game.”
Phil gives Dan a half smile. “How does it work?”
“We will take everything minute by minute. When one minute becomes hard, we will wait for the next minute to come and move forward.” Tears start to slide down Phil’s cheeks. He moves forward buries his head in Dan’s neck. Dan holds him as tight as he’s able to.
“Thank you,” Phil says right into Dan’s skin.
~~~
It’s the end of the semester, and Christmas is right around the corner. Everyone has taken over Dan’s flat for the party. He’s not even complaining about hosting. He, Phil, Carter, and Nora had spent the whole day before decorating. The tree looks fully decorated. The lights twinkle where they’ve been strung around the flat, giving off a warm, soft glow.
Dan walks through the living room, smiling at various people as he walks by. He finds Phil standing in the kitchen, slowly sipping a soda. Dan smiles wide and slips his arms around Phil’s waist, pulling him close.
“Hey. Missed you,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s shoulder. Phil throws his head back in laughter. He places a kiss on the top of Dan’s head.
“Missed you, too.”
“Oi love birds,” a voice shatters their private moment. Dan reluctantly pulls back and finds Iman standing just inside the door to the kitchen.
“Yes?” Dan asks with annoyance. Iman rolls her eyes and smiles. She pulls something out of her pocket and holds it out. Stepping closer, Dan gets a better look at it. It’s a small bag of weed. “Is that?” he asks. Iman nods. Phil furrows his brow.
“It’s your ten percent.” Iman drops the bag into Dan’s waiting hand.
“Why are you giving Dan weed?” Phil asks.
Iman smirks. “He knows that he’s earned it.” Dan chuckles as he slides the bag into his pocket. “Happy Christmas,” Iman calls as she leaves the room.
Phil turns towards Dan. “Are you going to tell me what that was about?”
Dan shrugs. “Maybe someday.” Phil wraps an arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close. Dan slips his arm across Phil’s upper back.
“Are you going to share?” Phil asks.
Dan laughs and shakes his head. “You know you can’t have any due to your meds.” Phil pouts and tightens his grip.
“You’re mean,” Phil states. Dan chuckles.
“You love me,” Dan declares.
Phil smiles wide and nuzzles into Dan’s hair. “Yes, more with each passing minute.”
Dan pulls back and smiles wide. “I love you too.” They share a sweet, gentle kiss.
Dan pulls back and stares at Phil. Happiness overflows his heart. He knows things will never be easy, but moments like this will make everything worth it. Dan leans in again, capturing Phil’s lips with his own.
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Text
Manifestor // 22
Plot:  Set in a world where Witchcraft is real, and the government hunts down those who practice magic, Thomas must flee to an underground safehouse after being discovered. Now fighting a war against Witches who seek the end of non-magic people, Thomas must learn to control and harvest his powers, as well as the manifestation of his sides to bring about peace and unity in the Human and Witch world. (Nanowrimo 2018)
Atticus and Thomas were growing closer by the day and it was not going amiss from the others who observed the two together; except for perhaps Dan, who was most of the time too busy staring at Phil like he was the sun, the earth, the moon and the stars incarnate in one very directionally challenged young man. That and he were oblivious to almost everything and everyone. Everyone else, however, had perfectly good skills in perception and were able to quickly tell the two were enjoying each other’s company in a more romantic way.
They would often work together and the assumption had been that Thomas wished to train Atticus because their skills work well together; however, it’s the little smiles they share and the lingering looks of complete hopeless romance, the subtle hand touches and the fact that they catch them kissing against a wall that really seals the idea planted in their own minds.
It takes the kissing part for Dan to catch on in case you’re wondering and he’s the only one looking absolutely gobsmacked and surprised, hardly able to comprehend the situation. Phil’s half laughing at Dan and half congratulating the two; but much like Jack, there’s a sinking feeling in his chest. Love in a land deep into war was rare and utterly beautiful, but dangerous and heartbreaking. He looks away from the two and stares at Dan instead, whose cheeks are flushed and curls falling into his dark brown eyes whilst muttering “I can’t believe I didn’t notice,” under his breath. It’s not that Phil doesn’t like Dan because he does and he loves him more than life, in a different way to Thomas and Atticus’ newfound blossoming relationship, but it’s that every second he spends with Dan he wonders if it’s going to be the last.
Dan and Phil had been attached at the hip since they were teenagers and for years since then, not much has changed. Sometimes when Witches spend enough time together their souls start to bond with each other, in a romantic or platonic way, they call it a bond similar to marriage, a sign that the two will be together forever in their relationship whether that is as lovers or as brothers. Together, their powers become stronger and when away from each other the bond and their control over their element weaken. When one half of the soulbond dies then the bond dies with it. Over time many Witches have explained it like half of your own soul has been ripped away and most do not last long alone after this.
The idea of losing Dan was Phil’s worst fear, and it was a sentiment returned. The ebony-haired man knew he would lose every piece of himself should the other die, and honestly, there wasn’t much of life for him beyond his best friend, his brother and his partner in crime. Looking at Thomas and Atticus now and knowing that destruction could fall on them at any minute he has to ask himself how they do it, how they willingly enter such a dangerous affair without the knowledge of the future or the certainty of any of them making out alive. He supposed, quietly to himself, that they’re lonely and that they’re young and nobody on this Earth with the capability of feeling it wants anything more than love. He doesn’t want anything more than love either.
Dan’s smile breaks him from his thoughts and he smiles in return as he watches Atticus bury his face in his hands and Thomas smile bashfully. No he really couldn’t blame them at all, looking at Thomas’ face now it’s the first time he’s seen such content and peaceful looks on his face; with his boyfriend shouldering some of the worry and pain and fear he suddenly looks much younger, much happier. He looks back at Dan, who has worry hidden behind a smile too and squeezes his hand comfortingly to reassure him.
They knew what they were doing, and Phil would honestly rather die than prevent them from being happy in the final days or weeks of their lives. They all knew in their own ways that love was never meant to be easy, love came with its scars and bruises even for people who weren’t them. It’s not an easy mountain to climb knowing you would protect someone with your life and live with the knowledge that one day, a day that’s coming quickly for the occupants of this little underground home, they will not be able too.
As they all disperse, Phil squeezes Thomas’ shoulder quickly and the American man thinks he sees tears in the other’s eyes but before he can ask the elder is gone, walking away alongside Dan the way he always does. Then his mind is diverted by a soft kiss on his cheek and a giggle and it slips his mind in favor of warm arms wrapped around him and a head against his chest.
--
“I’m trying not to set you on fire Atticus,” The younger boy laughs and dodges faster and faster “It would be very counterproductive,” Thomas sits at the side with a cup of coffee and watches as Jack hurls balls of fire, making the ball dissipate in the air before they reach Atticus to train the other in his speed. “But if you keep going this slowly I’m not going to be able to stop it,” The Irishman teases before letting his hands fall to his sides. “Thomas your turn, show him how it’s done,”
The American stands with a grin, placing a gentle kiss to his boyfriend’s head as he passes him before taking the space that the elder had previously been sat in. Thomas doesn’t really dodge whatever Jack throws at him, the two look as mischievous as each other as they brace their hands and minds for what could be perceived as a friendly match, like a game of football, except the ball is actually made of fire.
Jack throws first and his opponent extinguishes it before it’s even formed but a second bubbles from its ashes and hurls towards Thomas, who sends it firing in another direction. They’re both grinning, adrenaline pumping as they send attacks and build defenses one straight after the other, dodging and dancing around each other. For the spectator, it was interesting to watch, it filled him with a sense of ease as he watched the two battle in a way that only friends could, best friends, Atticus admired their friendship to no end.
In truth, he’d held some jealousy for Jack at first but it resolved pretty quickly once he got to know the Irishman, who was filled with layers of respect and love for his friends, no his family. He liked to protect people, help people and teach more than anything and Jack would happily pick up all the misfits and strays he could to help them find a home in him. He was just that sort of person.
He also has a fiery attitude and five different levels of sarcasm which was an art that the newcomer could most truly respect and enjoy. The two are laughing as they finally lower their hands, clapping each other on the back and bringing Atticus from his thoughts as they move towards him.
They’re stopped in their tracks by a low, rumbling noise, causing looks of panic to switch between them. “Hall, now,” The cup of coffee is knocked to the floor and left with a clang behind in an empty room as the three men take off in the direction of the hall. The corridors suddenly seem much longer than usual, much darker and sinister as they wind through the labyrinth to meet the center of their fears.
Dan and Phil sprint in from the other end, half holding onto each other as they ran not wanting to risk losing each other in the havoc. The noise could be heard through the long corridors and Thomas swallowed on his air, hands shaking but braced and ready to fight. Dodie and Lucia are stood as far back from the entrances as they could with their hands also braced in a defensive position. Suddenly there is silence, long and haunting silence and somewhere one of them is crying but Thomas can’t place who until he hears Dan’s shaky voice “I don’t want to die, life was just getting good,”
All of them feel that statement in their bones, life was getting good for them all; they had each other in their little family underground. But all good things must come to an end, even themselves.
The door opens, all of them step back a little and Jack’s hands are already on fire whilst Thomas’ hand is frantically reaching for his boyfriend’s in a last and desperate attempt to just feel him there. There’s a moment of anticipation, of fear, of anger, but what walks through the door is not who they expect. There’s a lot of them in various shapes and sizes, Thomas makes out Sophie’s face and a Joan that looks less than perfect but much better than the last time he’d seen them. Thomas’ breath runs out for a second before he’s racing over, Jack hot on his heels. “Joan!” He scoops the smaller person in his arms and held him close “Oh fuck, I’m so glad to see you again buddy, I’m so fucking glad,” His eyes are watering as he meets Sophie’s tight smile and then Talyn, who looks as small and unthreatening as ever, taking in the sight of familiar faces and then many, many more. “Where did all these people…?”
“They’ve come to fight with you Thomas, all of them, Witches from all around the world are talking about you, it seems word got out that a prophecy is being fulfilled,” She smiles and places a hand on his shoulder “See Thomas, when you came to us we had no idea who or what you were and things became more apparent over time, but you were destined to be here at this moment, and I’m sorry I had to leave you alone but I knew you would be safe, because it is your destiny to defeat these people, it’s written in time itself,” The man’s eyes raise “You are the most powerful Witch alive on this Earth, and tonight when those doors come knocking down you’re going to see why,”
“What am I going to do Sophie?” He asks breathlessly, stepping closer “What…what is this destiny?” There’s silence, the hush of chatter ceases and Sophie smiles, looking at Joan who steps forward and places their hands on the other’s shoulders.
“We’re going to defeat them, and you are going to win this battle, and for now, that’s all you need to know,” Looking small and somewhat terrified, Atticus stands behind Thomas, his fingertips seeking the hem of his boyfriend’s jumper for some security in a very unfamiliar situation. Joan smiles at the smaller boy, and holds their hand out for the other to shake. “Sorry my name is Joan, this is Sophie, we built this place sort of, well we staffed it and looked after it, so did Talyn,” Talyn, who was never much of a talker also waved. “We should probably start getting ready, they’re coming tonight, it has to be tonight,” The people walking past looked at Thomas with awe, some giving shy smiles and small waves, others simply staring.
What had exactly gone on on the surface whilst he’d been sat underground for the last…month? Perhaps longer, perhaps shorter he wasn’t exactly sure the day or time anymore. He turns around and looks at Atticus, bringing his hands into his and pressing soft kisses against the backs of them. Inside his mind he could hear Patton saying “aww!” and Roman giggling whilst Logan and Virgil made noises that sounded mostly like “Eurgh,” He smiles and brings Atticus into a hug, kissing the top of his head.
“Everything’s going to be okay, I hope,” And for the first time in so very long, he thinks perhaps they will be. Thomas turns to Jack, his fingertips interlaced with Atticus’ still as he does, not wanting to let go and lose him in a suddenly very full place. “Did you know, about a prophecy, about me?” The Irishman looks a little sheepish, his cheeks flushing red as he rubs the back of his neck.
“I mean, I may have had the tiniest inkling, as in…” he sighs “Okay, I vaguely knew you were a big deal when you first got here, a Manifestor that can master all four elements comes walking through the doors that’s not an everyday occurrence, but we all knew to some extent you would have a very big role to play in the future of Witches and Humans alike, and that this moment would eventually come, we knew you would have to fight and we knew you were at risk and I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner but if I did it could affect everything, people aren’t supposed to know their destinies for a reason,”
Thomas understands he’s upset that Jack had kept something so important from him but he knows he would never do it out of spite. He was worried about him and his future and through it all knowing that staying would end in bloodshed, Jack chose to stay with him. They were best friends, and so much more powerful together and when that door gets knocked in, Thomas knows that the other man will still be by his side.
“It’s okay,” He says with a warm smile and lets go of Atticus’ hand to open his arms for a hug to Jack, who accepts warmly. “Just promise me it will be you fighting beside me tonight and not…not him, okay?” they nod in understanding, neither of them wanted to dwell on the thought of Anti escaping the confines of Jack’s mind again.
“I promise,”
 --
Ko-Fi
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phantasticlizzy · 6 years
Text
Your Mess Is Mine
Summary: “I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard.
“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess.
“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.
——————————— A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.
warnings: mention of suicide (not discussed in detail), Minor Character Death
warnings for this chapter: smut 
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12640926/chapters/36319632
also check out the amazing art @ninapons made for this fic!! hereand here
chapter 13
words for this chapter : 4686
read last chapter here
start at the beginning
They took a cab from the party back to Phil's place after saying a quick goodbye to PJ and Sophie, earning a knowing look and a smirk from both of them.
Phil was uncharacteristically quiet on the way back, sitting on the far end of the backseat, looking through the window.
Dan wasn't too worried though. His hand was still clasping Dan's, both resting on the seat between them, thumb rubbing Dan's knuckles up and down. His face was still flushing lovely pink and his lips were curved up in a barely there a smile.
When they got to Phil’s building Dan payed the driver quickly, getting out of the car and walking a step behind Phil towards his apartment. The air between them was still charged, as if there was actual electricity circulating between their bodies, even though they weren’t touching anymore. He could feel his heart beating fast and loud in his chest, so loud that he suspected Phil could hear it as well when he was taking out his keys and opening the front door.
He had no chance to dwell on it though, because the moment the door finally opened and Dan took a step forward after Phil, he found himself shoved against the wall, door shutting behind them, Phil’s lips against his.
Phil never kissed him like that before, and Dan was definitely caught by surprise. The kiss was urgent and messy and needy, as if Phil was trying to get as much of Dan as he could with his lips, as if no matter how much he got it wasn’t enough, and Dan tried to keep up as best as he could.
Phil’s hands were clutching his biceps tightly, almost painfully so, his coat covered chest was pressed against Dan’s, and it almost felt like their hearts were racing against each other, trying to see whose can beat faster.
Dan’s mind was in a complete haze, his body working on instinct, kissing Phil and pushing back against his weight, gripping his sides with his hands. It all felt a little surreal.
Phil only separated himself from Dan to take his own coat and shoes off, urging Dan to do the same. But before Dan managed to put his coat down, Phil was already launching himself back at him, shoving him a bit too enthusiastically in the process and making him bump his head on the wall with a loud bang.
“Ouch,” Dan said, rubbing his head and letting out a nervous laugh.
And just like that, the spell was broken.
Phil looked horrified, his eyes going wide and his hands flying up to cup Dan’s head, moving it from side to side, as if too check for any damage. “Oh my god! I’m so so sorry! Are you okay?” he asked, his tone high pitched and panicked. And Dan couldn’t help but feel fondness wash through his body, replacing some of the intense heat. This was the Phil he was used to. The sweet, clumsy, adorable Phil he couldn’t help but be enamored with.
Maybe, Dan thought, they should slow down for a moment.
“I’m fine, don’t worry,” he said, covering Phil’s hands with his own and taking them off his head, holding them tightly.
“Are you sure?” Phil asked, and Dan fought the urge to roll his eyes at how genuinely concerned Phil sounded.
“Yes,” he reassured.
But the mortified expression on Phil’s face didn’t drop, and he covered his face with his hands with a loud groan. “I’m sorry!” he exclaimed into his palms, “Now I’ve ruined the mood.” He sounded so genuinely upset with himself that Dan started to actually feel a little bad for him.
“Phil,” he said, earning only a small whine in response. “Phil, look at me,” he tried again, and even though he really did feel bad, he couldn’t help the smile that stretched on his face when he took hold of Phil’s wrists to pull his hands from his face, revealing Phil’s pouting lips and flushed cheeks. He was too endearing for his own good, even when he was being overdramatic.
Dan leaned in, kissing Phil slowly and deeply, nothing like the way they were kissing only a minute ago. And even though it made him feel less hot, less charged with sexual energy, Dan loved it just as much. Loved the slow and caring movements of their lips against each other. Loved to feel everything and be able to appreciate everything between them with no rush. Loved to feel like they weren’t just racing for the sake of the finish line.
Phil clung to him, fisting the front of his shirt and kissing back eagerly, but not speeding up the pace.
They drew back after a minute, Dan’s hands still holding Phil’s wrists, and his thumb rubbing over Phil’s pulse point, that was still beating pretty fast. Their faces were still extremely close, and Dan could feel Phil’s puffs of breath against his upper lip.
“You haven’t ruined anything you spoon,” Dan said warmly, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s, kissing him again quickly and softly.
Phil blinked up at him, his eyes still looked a little distressed but his lips were curving up in a small smile. He stepped forward, burying his face in Dan’s neck and letting out a loud whine of frustration. “I literally gave you a head injury while trying to woo you. I’m such a flop,” he said, voiced muffled by Dan’s collar.
Dan couldn’t stop himself from laughing at that, letting go of Phil’s wrists and winding his arms around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. “God you’re such an idiot, what injury? I told you I’m fine,” he said, and his voice was so disgustingly fond even Phil didn’t have it in him to protest, only giggling against Dan’s neck, his breath tickling Dan’s sensitive skin there. “And besides, you don’t have to woo me. You’ve got me already, I’m yours.”
Phil’s breath hitched at Dan’s words, and the sound made something in the room feel charged again.
Except this time, the energy was calm, sweet, thick and caring in the best way.
Phil wrapped himself completely around Dan’s middle then, head buried deep into Dan’s neck and hands clutching the back of his shirt. “When you say things like that, you make me think I’m dreaming,” he mumbled, shy, hiding his face in Dan’s skin.
“I’m not exciting enough to dream about,” Dan tried to dismiss, because his cheeks were getting warmer and warmer and his chest tighter and tighter and there were words on the tip of his tongue he wasn’t sure he should say just yet, so he held them back, for now.
Phil pulled away at that, looking at Dan intently, his face flushed and intense and Dan wasn’t sure how long he could look at those eyes before he explodes. “You’re everything I ever dreamed of,” Phil said, and the sincerity in his voice made something akin to a volcano erupt in Dan’s stomach and fill his entire body with unbelievably warm, fluttering butterflies.
Phil had the amazing ability to say the most sincere, open things without so much as a blink, and no matter how many times he said things like that Dan still couldn’t get used to it. Wasn’t sure he ever could.
So he said nothing, leaning down to kiss Phil again, trying to convey at least a little what he was feeling at that moment. Trying make Phil understand.
Phil tugged on his hand, pulling him away from the wall and after him, disconnecting himself from his lips but giving him the loveliest smile before leading him to his bedroom.
There was nervous energy buzzing under Dan’s skin when they entered the room. Phil let go of his hand, moving to sit on the bed, looking up at him shyly with his blue blue eyes.
“Come here please,” Phil said, making grubby hands towards him. Dan let out a nervous chuckle, moving to sit next to him, their knees touching.
He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. He wasn’t entirely new to sex and intimacy, not really. He and Oliver had their experiences (even though, as teenagers, they pretty much stuck to the basics), and he did have a few intimate relationships with people he dated for short periods of time after starting university. But something about this night made him feel like it was the first time, like he didn’t know what to do with his hands and mouth and body. He wanted, desperately, to make anything they’d do feel amazing for Phil.
Phil giggled then, out of nowhere, making Dan snap out of his thoughts. “My heart is beating so fast,” he said, putting one hand on his chest and shaking his head. “We’re being silly,” he added before cupping Dan’s cheeks with his cool hands and leaning in to kiss him softly, soft lips gliding over his. Dan took a few moments to respond, letting himself be kissed before moving his hands to Phil’s waist, kissing back with a little more heat.
Phil moved them then, pushing Dan to lie on his back and hovered over him, leaning down to kiss him again, letting his tongue lick its way into Dan’s mouth, gently exploring.
He pulled back after a minute, eyes locking with Dan’s. “Thank you for tonight. For taking me to the party and holding my hand. I know… I know it was a weird thing to ask,” Phil said, and his voice was so sincere and his cheeks were so flushed and all Dan wanted was to kiss him again.
“I didn’t mind it, really,” Dan said, lifting his hands and putting them on Phil’s cheeks, thumbing under his eyes and watching the way they fluttered shut at the touch. He pulled him down then, kissing his jaw and the corner of his mouth and finally his lips, holding his face close.
When Phil pulled away, Dan almost whined in protest, but then Phil’s lips were moving down to his neck, kissing there lightly and all he could do was gasp.
“I want to make you feel good Dan,” he said against his skin, leaving another soft kiss. “Tell me how to do that.”
“My, uh, neck. It’s a good place to start,” Dan mumbled, embarrassed, feeling the vibration of Phil’s laughter against his skin.
Phil kissed his neck again then, this time applying more pressure, letting his wet tongue swipe against the warm skin, making Dan shudder.
Phil moved his legs, straddling Dan’s thighs and sitting up. Dan looked with half hooded eyes as Phil took the hems of his jumper in his hands, lifted up and tossed it aside, leaving him in his white button down.
He reached down, hands playing with the top button of Dan’s shirt. “Can I?” he asked, a little shyly. Dan nodded, feeling Phil’s fingers starting to work on each button, taking his time. When he finished, he pushed the fabric off of Dan’s shoulders, helping him sit up a bit to take the shirt off completely.
Phil moved his hands from Dan’s shoulders to his chest, putting his palms flat above his rapidly beating heart.
“So beautiful,” he said, and before Dan had the chance to respond Phil was leaning down, sucking on the skin of Dan’s collarbone and making him arch into the touch.
“I want to touch you, is that okay?” Phil asked, his lips still against Dan’s skin, but his big eyes peeking up from under his eyelashes and making Dan feel dizzy.
“Yeah, that’s… yeah,” was all Dan could muster before Phil was kissing down his body and towards his stomach.
Dan wasn’t really hard yet, even though he was definitely turned on, but the moment Phil’s hand found his crotch and pushed down, he felt a jolt of arousal go through his body, making him let out a loud breath, his hips bucking a little into the touch.
Phil let out a breath as well, fingers fumbling with the button and zipper of Dan’s jeans before pushing them down Dan’s body, taking his pants off as well. Dan lifted his hips to help, wiggling out of his last pieces of clothing, both of them giggling at his awkward movements.
When he was finally naked, Phil took a moment to look at him, his eyes going up and down his body, and Dan had to fight the urge to cover himself up.
He wasn’t particularly insecure about the way he looked, but something about Phil’s intense eyes studying him like that, while he himself was still completely clothed, looking like he was trying to memorize every curve and bump on Dan’s body, made it all feel more intimate than he ever remembered feeling in similar situations.
Phil reached his hand down tentatively then, fingers skimming over Dan’s skin gently before wrapping them around his length. Not surprisingly, they felt too cold against Dan’s warm skin.
Dan couldn’t help but flinch from the touch a little, causing Phil to flinch away as well, looking a little panicked from Dan’s reaction.
“Cold,” Dan said with a laugh before Phil had a chance to freak out.
Phil let out a breath in relief, his cheeks becoming darker. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, bringing his hands together and rubbing them fiercely.
Dan let out a chuckle, feeling lightheaded and ridiculously fond, taking Phil’s hands in his own and bringing them to his face, blowing hot air on them and squeezing them between his own warm fingers.
He repeated the action a few times until the skin of Phil’s hands started to feel at least a little warmer, concluding his treatment with a kiss to the tip of each finger. “There you go,” he said, feeling a little proud of himself when he looked up and saw Phil’s face had somehow managed to become even pinker.
Phil smiled shakily, letting out a nervous giggle and brought his hands back down, one gripping Dan’s cock lightly and one resting on his thigh. Dan hummed in appreciation, encouraging Phil to wrap his hand around him tighter and start to move it, making Dan let out a small noise, his cock growing harder in Phil’s hold.
The last time Dan was in a position similar to this with someone he truly cared about, was with Oliver, and Dan’s mind couldn’t help but think about that, couldn’t help but compare. He was mad at himself, a little, for thinking about someone else while being like that with Phil, while having Phil touch him and care for him. But the images were right there at the surface, waiting to float up whether he liked it or not.
Phil’s hands were a little smaller, Dan noticed, even though his fingers were longer, and their touch was a little softer, a little slower than Oliver’s. Oliver’s touches were always fast, tight, driven by teenage hormones and the desire to get each other off. And Dan liked that, at the time, felt hot all over and satisfied, didn’t ever think he would want something else, someone else to touch him. They were used to each other, used to each other’s bodies, and that was always good enough for him.
But now… it felt different, gentler, new. Phil was studying his body, studying his reactions, trying to get to know him better with his hands. He was taking his time, getting familiar with every part of Dan’s cock, trying to figure out where he should press harder and when he should speed up the pace.
And it felt so good, to be cherished like that, to be showered in this kind of attention, and he hated that he couldn’t stop himself from feeling a little guilty. Guilty for giving himself like that to someone who wasn’t Oliver, guilty for realizing that even with Oliver, he never felt quite like this before.
Phil stopped his motion suddenly then, making Dan open his eyes (when did he close them?) and look at him with confusion.
“What are you thinking about?” Phil asked softly, his hand still gripping Dan’s cock, unmoving.
“You. This,” Dan said, because it was mostly true and he wanted to sooth the worry in Phil’s eyes, even though he wasn’t quite sure what put it there.
Phil let go of his cock, leaning down and kissing his lips softly before letting his entire body weight rest on top of Dan, head buried in his neck.
“When we do… things like this, you’re not allowed to think about anything but me,” he said, and the tone of his voice was unreadable, making Dan’s chest tight.
“Okay,” he said, hand reaching up to push Phil’s hair back, kissing his forehead.
Phil nuzzled deeper into his skin, hands reaching up to tangle in Dan’s hair. “I’m serious. I had enough of being a second choice. Enough for a lifetime.” He said, voice quiet and timid. “When we’re like this, together, I need you to choose me and only me, and I need you to tell me when you can’t.”
Dan’s entire body ached, and he wanted, desperately, to give Phil everything he wanted, everything he deserved. To never let doubt and uncertainty seep into his voice ever gain.
“Okay,” he said again.
Phil lifted his head, eyes searching Dan’s, and when he couldn’t find any dishonesty in them, something about his face softened again. “I trust you,” he said, and nothing Phil ever said to him before felt as significant as those 3 words felt at that moment.
Phil leaned down to kiss him, soft and slow, before kissing his way down his body again and settling between Dan’s legs on his front. But this time, he didn’t stop at his stomach, kissing down until he reached the tip of Dan’s cock, giving the head a small lick.
Dan’s hips bucked up from the sudden pleasure, a small moan escaping his lips.
Phil put both his hands flat on Dan’s thighs, holding him down. “I have a pretty strong gag reflex, so I need to go slowly, sorry,” he said, a little sheepish, looking up at Dan.
“Yeah, sorry, I’ll be good,” Dan said, and felt the warmth in his chest trying to burst out of his body when Phil smiled at him, leaning down to kiss his inner thigh in approval.
When Phil’s mouth found its way back to Dan’s cock, Dan was prepared, stopping himself from thrusting up into the warm feeling.
He wrapped his lips around the head, tongue dipping inside Dan’s foreskin, fingers wrapping around the rest of him, moving and twisting. He sank down slowly, breathing heavily through his nose, sucking and moving his tongue experimentally.
And maybe it was because it had been so long since the last time Dan was in this position, but Phil’s mouth felt so good, and he felt himself getting aroused embarrassingly quickly, letting out deep noises of satisfaction.
Phil pulled up to take a breath, replacing his mouth with his hand. “Can you maybe… talk to me? I feel better when I hear your voice.” Phil said quietly, resting his head on Dan’s hip in embarrassment.
Dan felt some of the blood rush back to his face, and he was pretty sure he was as red as a tomato. “Yeah, that’s… sure,” he said eloquently, feeling Phil press his lips to his hip.
“Also, play with my hair please,” Phil added quickly, not letting Dan respond before sinking back down on his cock and making Dan let out a loud moan.
“Shit, Phil,” Dan said, his hands reaching down as requested, tangling in Phil’s hair. “You feel really good,” he added, feeling Phil hum in appreciation.
Phil started bobbing his head in earnest, hands working on the parts he couldn’t reach. And the sight of it alone (Phil’s concentrated face, his pink lips stretched around him, his blue eyes watering a little), was making Dan feel already pretty close to the edge only after a few short minutes.
“You’re so good like this Phil, so good,” He said, his mind a bit hazy but not missing the whine his words caused Phil to make. Not missing the way Phil’s hips started to move against the mattress. Not missing the way he sped up his actions.
And, fuck, the realization that Phil liked that, liked hearing how good he was, how good he made Dan feel, got off on it even, made Dan feel ridiculously close.
“I’m close,” he warned, tugging a bit on Phil’s hair.
Phil kept his movement for a few more seconds before pulling away and letting his hands take over, one gripping Dan’s cock, moving up and down and one reaching below to tug on his balls.
And that all it took, apparently, to push Dan over the edge with a soft cry, feeling waves of pleasure spread from his abdomen to the tips of his toes, body arching from the mattress.
Phil worked him through it, letting go only when Dan started to flinch from his touch, laughing a little and covering his face, rolling to his side. “That was… really good,” Dan said when he composed himself, letting his hands drop and looking up at Phil’s pleased face.
“Really?” Phil asked, but Dan could see the little smug smile on his lips beneath the innocent act.
“Yes,” he said, not wasting time and sitting up suddenly, tugging on Phil’s shirt. “Get this off, it’s your turn.”
At that moment, despite feeling quite spent, there was nothing Dan wanted more than to make Phil feel just as good as Dan was feeling. To do anything he could to make Phil fall apart under his touch.
Phil obliged with a soft giggle, letting Dan pull off his shirt over his head (ignoring the buttons), getting up to pull down his jeans and pants unceremoniously before settling back down next to Dan, cheeks pink and cock half hard.
“Tell me what you want,” Dan said, hands finding their way to Phil’s sides, squeezing the soft flesh.
“Sit against the headboard please,” Phil asked, a little shy, and Dan kissed him softly before complying.
Phil crawled to him, his pale skin flushed a lovely pink from his cheeks to his chest, settling himself down on Dan’s lap, arms wrapping around Dan’s neck, cock pressed against Dan’s stomach, burying his face in Dan’s shoulder and breathing in.
“It feels best to me like this, when we’re close,” he said sheepishly, and Dan felt his chest getting warmer again at his words.
“I like it too,” he said, pulling on Phil’s shoulders to get him to sit up, leaning to kiss him deep and slow, wanting to get the sensual atmosphere back.
Phil kissed back, pressing himself as close as possible to Dan’s body, cock thrusting a bit against Dan’s lower stomach. Dan’s cock gave a small pitiful twitch of interest, but hadn’t managed to do much else only a few minute after his orgasm.
Besides, Dan though, it was for the best. He wanted to focus all his attention on Phil right now, wanted to make sure Phil felt as best as he could.
He pulled back from Phil’s lips, kissing down his jaw to his neck sucking lightly near Phil’s Adam’s apple, earning a soft whine.
“Touch my nipples. They are, uh, sensitive,” Phil said, his voice trembling a little.
Dan followed the instructions, wiggling his hands between their bodies and pressing his thumbs to both of Phil’s nipples, circling the nubs gently.
The reaction was immediate, almost alarmingly so, taking Dan by surprise. Phil let out a high pitched whine, cock grinding against Dan, getting harder, face falling back to Dan’s neck, breathing harshly.
“You weren’t kidding,” Dan tried to tease, but his own voice was breathless, excited. He repeated the action, following it by pinching one of Phil’s nipples lightly, making him whine again, but pull away from the touch.
“Too much,” he mumbled, kissing Dan’s neck softly where his lips rested.
Dan rubbed the skin in apology for a few moments before moving on from his nipples, letting his fingers skim up and down Phil’s sides, studying every curve, feeling the way his fingers left a trail of goosebumps after them wherever they touched.
“Your skin is so soft,” Dan said without thinking, feeling himself flush a little when he realized he said it out loud.
Phil giggled, kissing his neck again, “I moisturize,” he said for the second time that night.
Dan let one of his hands sneak back between their bodies then, moving down Phil’s stomach until he reached what he was looking for, taking a hold of Phil’s cock in his hands and squeezing, thumb swiping against the slit. Phil’s hips jerked up at that, his hold on Dan’s neck became tighter, nose nuzzling deeper into his skin.
“Tell me what feels good,” Dan said, starting to work Phil’s cock, trying to find a rhythm that worked for Phil.
The position was a little awkward, with their bodies pressed so close together, but Phil didn’t seem to mind. On the contrary, every time Dan did something particularly right, Phil only pressed closer, leaning more of his weight against Dan, trying to muffle his loud moans against Dan’s skin.
He was thrusting his hips in time with Dan’s movements, clinging and kissing and occasionally biting Dan’s shoulders, pulling a little on the hairs on the back of Dan’s head.
“Wait, can you…” Phil trailed off, straightening up a bit. Dan stilled his motion, hand still on Phil’s cock, waiting to see what Phil wanted him to do.
Phil took a hold of Dan’s other hand, bringing it to his mouth and, much to Dan’s surprise, took one of Dan’s fingers into his mouth, lapping it with his wet tongue.
Phil was blushing dark pink, but kept his eyes locked with Dan’s when he took his finger out of his mouth, tugging on his hand and bringing it down and behind him, pressing the wet finger to his hole. Dan thought he might die right at that moment, just like that, going by the way his heart was racing in his chest.
“Can you…? Just the tip, just a little,” he said, and Dan just nodded, because he didn’t think he could actually speak at that moment.
Dan pressed gently, just a little, like Phil asked, feeling a soft heat engulfing his finger.
Phil let out a loud breath, his face dropping back down to Dan’s neck, kissing it again in appreciation.
Dan resumed the movements of his other hand again, feeling the way pre cum was leaking out of Phil’s cock, spreading it down his length. He moved his finger in and out gently, remembering that they didn’t actually used any lube, not going deeper than the first knuckle.
It seemed, though, that it was more than enough for Phil, and he was letting a stream of muffled noises, pushing his body down against Dan’s finger and up towards Dan’s hand.
Dan, trying to maximize Phil’s pleasure, reached to rub the skin of Phil’s rim with his thumb, right next to his finger, making Phil let out a surprised “oh!” and suddenly release over Dan’s hand and between their bodies, breathing harshly.
Dan drew his finger back when Phil was done, as well as his hand, wiping it on Phil’s sheets and winding his arms around Phil’s spent body, holding him close and kissing the top of his head.
It took a few minutes for Phil’s breathing to slow down back to normal, but Dan honestly didn’t mind. He let himself bask in that moment, let himself cling back just as hard as Phil, let himself feel the mutual adoration and marvel at the way Phil’s pliant body was leaning on him completely for support.
“You’re like, the best person in the world,” Phil said when he composed himself, and Dan could do nothing but laugh, happy, taking in a big breath, his arms and nose and mind filled with nothing else but Phil Phil Phil.
Notes:
i was really nervous for this chapter, so i hope you liked it!! please tell me your thoughts, as those always make my day :')
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Meet-Cute (2) Masterlist
Links Last Checked: April 6th, 2022
part one, part three
All the Stars in the Sky (ao3) - benotafraidofwriting
Summary: Dan is a journalist who works on the advice column and horoscopes. Bored with his job and his only friends being the ones he met on the Internet, he wasn’t ready for Phil Lester to come in and turn his life upside down.
baby, you put a spell on me (ao3) - The General Phanchild (panicked_introvert)
Summary: Magic is common in Phil's world. But even spells and potions can't explain his seemingly supernatural affeciton for his roommate...
black butterflies and deja vu (ao3) - kae_karo
Summary: Once upon a time…there was a little boy, his name was- well, that’s not important. There was a little boy, and he didn’t have lots of friends. But don’t worry, this isn’t a sad story, even though it sounds like it, I promise.
Do it for the ‘gram (ao3) - RachelxAnnex
Summary: Dan is Phil trash number one (with a popular stan tumblr to show for it) after a surprise meeting in the local coffee shop that Dan visits purely for the aesthetics they bond over PSL’s and maybe find a little snapshot of happy along the way.
Is your dog passionate about democracy? (ao3) - sierraadeux
Summary: Blame Dan's increasing public interest in politics for me not being able to stop thinking about a different universe in which political campaign canvasser Dan meets corgi dad Phil on his route. A rare story of the one time in recorded history in which a stranger ringing your doorbell isn't annoying.
Je m'appelle Claude (ao3) - sierraadeux
Summary: The time when Phil told us they went to the Frieze art fair and played a game where they made up fake names, but make it a meet-cute.
Life’s Beauty is in its Impermanence. (ao3) - phansb
Summary: Daniel Howell and Phil Lester live in Kingston upon Hull, and begin chatting after a moment of striking bravery at a café. Over the next few days, they become increasingly more attached to one another, until Phil must leave to Isle of Man for Christmas.
Modern-day Cinderella - gravityplant
Summary: Phil’s awakened by a loud party a few floors down. In his quest for a good night’s sleep, he meets pretty and mysterious Dan who seems to be in need of some company.
On the threshold of something - gravityplant
Summary: Dan misses the train and all the chances he’s ever had but he wins something else…
Promise? - gravityplant
Summary: A young man ends up in the hospital and the celebrity Phil is to blame… right?
Quite Fetching (ao3) - carltzmann
Summary: Phil likes to take his dog on walks around the neighborhood. Dan works at the local elementary school.
slow love (ao3) - CapriciousCrab
Summary: Dan impulsively attends a speed dating event and sweeps a handsome stranger off of his feet.  Literally
someone to you (ao3) - outphan
Summary: It's Valentine's Day and Dan got stood up.
Steamy Brew (ao3) - dijon
Summary: There’s a cute stranger talking to Phil in a coffee shop. Just your everyday meet-cute while getting coffee.
tell me that you'll wait for me (ao3) - t_hens
Summary: Dan's flight gets delayed because of a storm, but at least he's got his phone, and the company of the attractive stranger sharing the same outlet on the wall.
you be the art, I'll be the brush (ao3) - t_hens
Summary: Phil is a harried art student just trying to do his best and he may have just a little bit of a crush on his sketching class' new model Dan.
You glanced my way and gave me a wave (ao3) - NeverBeenAWriter
Summary: Phil walks in on something he shouldn't and gets drawn in by the small looking boy in pastel pink.
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biamondpickaxe · 6 years
Text
I Hope You’re Happy
Genre: Angst
Words: 1.3k
Summary: Based of this prompt from phanficsanonymous: Phil has moved on since him and Dan split up, finding himself happily in a new relationship, and Dan doesn’t think he can handle it.
A/N The title is from I Hope You’re Happy by Blue October and it’s an amazing song so you should go listen to it. Also, I’ve never done a prompt like this, like that someone else posted so I hope this is the proper etiquette for doing such a thing? Idk I just hope I’m doing this right haha
Contains: Swearing, references to sex, possible implications to suicidal thoughts
you can also read this on ao3!
Dan was happy for Phil.
He expressed this when Phil told him he had a new boyfriend.
Yes, they still talked. They were best friends before they were boyfriends, which came before becoming ex-boyfriends. They would always be best friends. Phil was Dan’s soulmate, even though clearly that was a one-sided feeling.
Dan never believed in soulmates until he met Phil. Nobody understood Dan like Phil did. Nobody knew his body language so well. Nobody could read him like Phil could.
No one made Dan as happy as Phil, no one made Dan as hopeful for the future as Phil, no one made Dan feel heard and understood and loved the way Phil did.
So, yes, they still talked.
It had been 7 months since the breakup, and both of them were pretty much over it. At least, that’s what Dan thought.
“I just can’t do this anymore,” Phil said when he and Dan were sitting out on the balcony of their apartment one night.
“What do you mean?” Dan asked, but he had a pretty good idea of where this was going.
“I’m just so tired all the time, Dan. I shouldn’t be tired. This thing... what we are... it shouldn't make me so damn exhausted,” Phil said. He even sounded tired. Defeated. He had his head buried in his hands and his shoulders were slumped over.
“Oh,” Dan said. He didn’t know what else to say. He was dumbfounded.
But he supposed he should have seen it coming. Optimism was never really Dan’s thing, but when it came to his relationship with Phil, he held on and remained optimistic because Phil was the only thing keeping him grounded.
Dan knew that he and Phil hadn’t had sex in 3 months. It’s been even longer since they had slept in the same bed. Dan knew all of this, realistically, but he wanted to believe that they could fix this, that they could pull through this like they had everything else.
“We could go to couple’s counseling like I’ve suggested before. We -”
“No,” Phil sighed, looking up at Dan with watery eyes. “It wouldn’t work. There’s so much that’s wrong, there’s so much that's broken. They wouldn’t even know where to start. I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“Please, Phil, I’m trying to fix this!” Dan begged. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, glistening in the moonlight and the twinkling brightness that came with London at night.
“You can’t fix this, Dan. I’m sorry. I’m done. It’s too much. It’s so damn much and so damn overwhelming and half the time I feel like I can’t breathe and the other half of the time I wish I could stop breathing altogether - God, Dan I’m sorry but I just can’t anymore,” Phil rambled.
Dan nodded. All he could do was nod. Phil made his decision and Dan had to accept that whether he liked it or not.
“I love you,” Dan said suddenly. “You don’t have to say it back. But I do. I love everything about you and I know how cliche it is but I will never, ever stop loving you. I’m sorry we’re so broken. I’m sorry we couldn’t work this out. But I love you. I love you so much, Phil.”
“I love you too, Dan. I’m sorry,” Phil replied.
With that, Dan stood up and went back inside. He was shivering from the cold air and the adrenaline and how hard he was trying not to break down.
Dan locked himself in the bathroom and sat down on the closed toilet seat. He finally let himself go. He started sobbing, wailing, not caring who heard him - whether it be the neighbors or Phil.
Dan cried and let everything out. It felt like five tons of weight were crushing his chest with the amount of loss and heartbreak and sorrow he felt.
He wished he could be angry. Being angry was so easy. But he wasn’t angry. He was so fucking heartbroken and so fucking sad and he couldn’t believe this was happening but it was - oh God.
And that was the end of Dan and Phil.
So when the two did hang out, they usually watched movies or played Mario Kart or did something to keep their minds away from their past, away from what happened between them. If their minds were occupied, everything went well and it wasn’t awkward.
So that’s why Dan was more than a little nervous when Phil asked Dan to get a coffee with him at Starbucks.
When Dan arrived, Phil was already sitting at a booth. Dan walked up to him and sat down across from him, smiling as he did so despite his anxiety.
“Hey, Dan,” Phil greeted happily.
“Hi, Phil,” Dan replied. “How have you been?”
“I’ve been good. Busy, though,” Phil chuckled.
“Same,” Dan said in response.
The conversation was going pretty well, and Dan relaxed a little bit. Phil talked about a small cupcake shop he had just tried for the first time and how the art museum had some cool new pieces.
“Wow, Phil. Sounds like you’ve been getting out a lot. What happened to you?” Dan joked.
“I met someone,” Phil said. His eyes were focused on the man in front of him, scanning his face for a reaction.
“You did?” Dan asked, feeling his voice crack.
“Yeah. He’s my boyfriend now. His name is Julian,” Phil said, almost shyly. He was looking down at the table now.
“Oh,” Dan said. “W-well, uh, I hope he makes you happy. I hope you’re happy, Phil. Or at least... happier.”
Phil just nodded and said thank you. There was no point in saying oh yeah I’m so much happier with him than I was with you, Dan because Phil knew Dan was hurting enough as it is.
Dan tried not to show his emotions but it was hard. He couldn’t stop thinking about how someone else got to experience Phil. Someone else would get to hear Phil’s laugh, see his crooked teeth when he smiled and how his tears looked running down his pale cheeks.
They would get to hug Phil and cherish him and see how his thighs trembled and shook when you touched him just right.
They got to experience all of Phil that Dan once had. The creativity, the innocence - it made Dan’s heart break all over again.
“I’ve got to go,” Dan said suddenly. He stood up quickly and threw the remainder of his coffee in the trash.
“Dan, wait, please!” Phil called.
Dan just shook his head, letting Phil know he heard him and speed walked out the door. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he hid his face in his hands, breathing heavily and walking in whatever direction his feet were taking him.
“Please talk to me, Dan!” Phil shouted as he ran after Dan, now turning into a dark alleyway.
“Wha do you want?” Dan asked, wiping away his tears and turning around to look at Phil.
“Dan I know this isn’t easy and I know you’re hurting but please. It’s been seven months. You need to move on, for your own sake. You deserve to be happy, too.”
“Do you think I was fucking lying when I told you I would never stop loving you? ‘Cause I meant it, Phil,” Dan said, raising his voice now. He was angry now because he couldn’t take being sad anymore.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else, too,” Phil tried to reason.
“No, Phil. I will never love anyone the way I loved you. I’m glad that you’re happy but you can’t expect me to just be okay and to just move on the way you did. I’m sorry, but it’s true,” Dan said.
And Dan wasn’t okay after that. He still remained friends with Phil and was even nice to Julian. He was the best man at their wedding.
But Dan wasn’t okay. He was never okay again. And he never, ever stopped loving Phil.
Title from Blue October - Masterlist & AO3
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