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#life skills
femmefatalevibe · 9 months
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Femme Fatale Guide: Game-Changing TED Talks Everyone Should Watch
"How Five Simple Words Can Get You What You Want" by Janine Driver
"Master your Mindset, Overcome Self-Deception, Change your Life" by  Shadé Zahrai
"How to talk to the worst parts of yourself" by Karen Faith
"Think before you speak, hacking the secret of communication" by Catherine Molloy
"The Hidden Code For Transforming Dreams Into Reality" by Mary Morrissey
"Don't Believe Everything You Think" by Lauren Weinstein
"The public speaking lesson you never had" by DK
"Programming your mind for success" by Carrie Green
"How to stop screwing yourself over" by Mel Robbins
"Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success" by Louise Evans
"The psychology of seduction" by Raj Persaud
"Why we're unhappy -- the expectation gap" by Nat Ware
"Think Fast. Talk Smart" by Matt Abrahams 
"Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix' by Tasha Eurich 
"5 steps to designing the life you want" by Bill Burnett
"Staying stuck or moving forward" by Dr. Lani Nelson Zlupko
"To reach beyond your limits by training your mind" by Marisa Peer
"Emotional laws are the answer for better relationships" by Diana Wais
"Feelings: Handle them before they handle you" by Mandy Saligari
"Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth" by Adia Gooden 
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theambitiouswoman · 4 months
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Hobby Ideas 🎨💻🎵🧁🪴
💰 Hobbies to Make Money:
Freelance Writing
Photography
Graphic Design
Web Development
Online Selling (e.g., Etsy, Amazon, eBay, Shopify)
Blogging
Stock Trading
Real Estate Investing
Affiliate Marketing
Freelance Consulting
💪 Fitness Hobbies:
Running
Yoga
Weightlifting
Cycling
Swimming
Martial Arts
CrossFit
Hiking
Rock Climbing
Dance (e.g., Zumba, Hip-hop)
☀️ Outdoor Hobbies:
Camping
Fishing
Birdwatching
Gardening
Geocaching
Kayaking
Mountain Biking
Backpacking
Stargazing
Horseback Riding
💻 Technology Hobbies:
Programming
Robotics
3D Printing
Virtual Reality (VR) Gaming
Home Automation
Drone Flying
Cybersecurity
App Development
Electronics DIY
PC Building
🎵 Music Hobbies:
Playing an Instrument (e.g., Guitar, Piano)
Singing
DJing
Music Production
Songwriting
Music Recording
Karaoke
Music Theory
Joining a Band or Choir
Vinyl Collecting
📚 Brainy Hobbies:
Chess
Sudoku
Crossword Puzzles
Board Games
Reading
Learning a New Language
Brain Teasers
Logic Puzzles
Math and Mathematical Puzzles
Astronomy
✨ Other Hobbies:
Cooking and Baking
Painting and Drawing
Pottery and Ceramics
Woodworking
Knitting or Crocheting
DIY Home Improvement
Model Building (e.g., model trains, airplanes)
Collecting (e.g., stamps, coins, vintage items)
Volunteer Work
Meditation and Mindfulness
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a-meh · 9 days
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lost-on-the-highway · 6 months
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Piracy 101 for beginners
Hello friends, it is I, your favourite anti-capitalist. After a lot of interest from people looking to get into piracy, I have compiled a guide for anyone who wants to become a pirate but doesn't know where to start. This is a long post, so I'm gonna put a cut here, but if you want to find out, keep reading!
This information is all up to date as of September 2023.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: all of this stuff is from my personal experience with torrenting, but please use your own common sense - piracy is a crime in many parts of the world, please stay safe and be careful.
Always remember that PIRACY IS AT YOUR OWN RISK.
Okay, boring stuff over - let's get started! I'm going to try and be as comprehensive as I can and there is an FAQ section at the end, but do feel free to send me an ask if you want something clarified!
Before you begin
Before stepping foot on your pirate ship, there are a few safety things you need to know about. These are essential because they'll keep you and your computer safe when pirating.
VPN. This is the single most important thing that you need. Basically, when you connect to the internet, your device is given a fancy little number by your WiFi network that basically shows your location - this is called an IP address. Now, if you're doing something a Little Bit Dodgy, you don't want people to know where you are and which network you're connected to. This is where a VPN comes in. VPN stands for Virtual Private Network, and what it does is basically makes a private little bubble by encrypting your connection and routing it through a different server in a different country, hiding your IP address and keeping you safe (overly simplified but that's more or less it). Basically, your IP address will say you're in Japan when you're actually in England. Deception! There are a lot of VPNs on the market, and a lot of them are paid, but if you're broke like me, Proton VPN is completely free, has really fast servers, and it's super secure!
A good adblocker. A lot of sites are full of pop-ups, trackers and spammy viruses, so an adblocker is a must. If you're on Firefox or Chrome, uBlock Origin is an amazing free extension that does the job. For Safari, I recommend AdGuard (or, y'know, switching to Firefox).
Okay, so you're all VPN'd up, connected and adblocked. What next?
From my personal experiences, there are two main types of piracy: online piracy and torrenting. Also, please note that usually, I pirate films, so I'm not the most knowleadgable about software/music piracy, but I'll try to be all-encompassing.
Online Piracy
Online piracy is kind of like Piracy Lite. I'm calling it online piracy because it's using the regular internet (clearnet) to access sites which provide films/books/files over the Internet. This kind of piracy is usually more accessible, and there's a strong chance you've already partaken in it!
Online piracy for films
You're probably familiar with sites like hdtoday.tv for watching free movies - they're something of an open secret. The way sites like this work is that the actual video files are stored on external servers - that is, they're not on your computer, they're on some server somewhere else. The website is basically just a viewer that allows the video files to be relayed over the internet to be watched on your laptop. Online piracy is more about access than owning.
Pros
Really accessible. You don't need any other applications or anything fancy - just open the site and watch!
Online piracy streaming sites are not actually illegal. Yep, you heard that right. There's a lovely loophole in the law that defines piracy as the downloading and distributing of copyrighted content. Because on piracy streaming sites, you are simply viewing the media, and not downloading it or sharing it, and also because the sites are readily accessible, you have plausible deniability and are not breaking any laws!
Instant relay. Instead of waiting for a download, online piracy allows you to start watching immediately.
Relatively high quality files. Usually, the videos are pretty good quality (expect about 720p) and there aren't any weird unremovable Mongolian pop-ups.
Subtitles. Online streaming sites are usually really good with a large selection of subtitles in different languages.
What you see is what you get. You don't have to wait for a download only to find it was corrupted - usually, defective files are spotted and replaced pretty quickly and if they're not, they usually have multiple servers that you can switch to.
Lightweight. These sites don't usually use too much bandwidth, and as long as you have a decent internet connection, you should be good.
Cons
Buffering. This is probably the single most annoying thing about these sites - if your internet connection dips, the video will buffer. You don't need to worry about this if you have fiber-optic super-speed connection of whatever, but it makes watching things pretty infuriating sometimes.
Loading issues. See above - it's prettty annoying to try to skip to a certain point in a film or scrub back, because the file sometimes just won't load.
Pop-ups. Usually, an adblocker will take care of these, but these sites can be buggy and full of re-directs/ads/hot singles in your area.
Quality. 720p files are fine if you're watching a film on a laptop, but if you want to have a movie night on a big screen or a projector, it's going to be a little underwhelming.
Annoying mirror sites. Because of the dubious legality of the sites, oftentimes the same site will have lots of mirrors (remember, the site itself is only a skeleton viewer to play the files, so the sites don't vary much one to another). Oftentimes, certain mirrors wil be added and deleted meaning you might have to hop around different sites, which is annoying.
Torrenting
Torrenting is probably what you think of when you think of piracy - file-sharing and strange documents and downloading things. I know this all sounds scary, but it really isn't! Torrenting is simply another way of file sharing - instead of downloading from a single source, torrenting is using an internet protocol called BitTorrent that basically allows multiple users to share little pieces of a file with each other, which allows really large files such as film files to be transferred efficiently.
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Torrenting is a bit more complicated, so here's your crash course if you want to get into it.
VERY IMPORTANT: Turn on your VPN. This keeps your identity private because torrenting, unlike online streaming, is very much Frowned Upon. Most VPNs have a kill switch, which means that if the VPN connection dips, you'll be disconnected from the Internet temporarily so your address isn't leaked - I'd recommend turning this on.
To use the BitTorret protocol, you need to get an application that can run it - this is called a torrent client. I'd recommend Vuze, but there are lots to choose from and they all do essentially the same thing - plus, they're all free!
Then, you're going to want to find a torrent site. The most popular one is obviously the Pirate Bay. Look for whatever file you want.
You'll often be met with lots of different copies of the file you want, which can be confusing, so here's how you choose the right one.
Let's say I want to watch The Empire Strikes Back.
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Wow, that's a lot of files. How do I choose? Well, if you look at the right of the table, you'll see a column that says SE. This stands for seeds - this refers to the number of computers ready to upload pieces of the file to you. A high number of seeds means that there are more people to give bits of the file to you, so it'll download faster. So if it's May the 4th and you're determined to watch Empire, you should go with the top file with 216 seeds. High-quality files are labelled as such, so just find the type you need and pick the one with the most seeds.
Once you click on the file, you'll be redirected to a magnet link. This is basically just a link that tells your torrent client to start getting the file, and the link should open the application automatically.
That's it! Your file should start loading in the torrent client. Once it's done, most torrent clients will create a folder in your hard drive where you can find your downloaded files and some even let you watch within the application. Congratulations - you've earned your pirate hat.
Pros
That file is yours forever. That's right - once it's on your hardrive, no-one can take it from you, ever.
No buffering! Because the file is downloaded locally, there's no lagging, pausing, buffering, skipping or glitching - just press play!
High-quality files. You can pirate in 720p, 1080p, even 4k, meaning that if you have a 4k projector or home cinema, you don't need to sacrifice quality.
Not reliant on internet - you can download movies for planes, take them to the top of Mount Everest, whatever.
Easy viewing experience. No ads, no pop-ups, no browsers, sites, glitches, lags, anything. All you need is some kind of media player and you're set.
Cons
Downloads could take time. If your WiFi is slow, then torrents can take a really long time to download, which is annoying. If you have good WiFi and a lot of seeds, it shouldn't be bad, but it's nowhere near instant.
Corrupted/broken files. There is a chance you will download a file and it'll have yellow ads for an Indian scooter company all over it.
Can't view the file in advance - see the above, you don't know if it's the right one or not until you have it.
Higher risk of something going wrong. Given the higher number of moving parts in torrenting, there are far more things that can go wrong, like broken magnet links or corrupted files.
Frequently asked questions
I'm worried about viruses/malware/etc.
This is probably the number one thing that's asked when it comes to piracy (particularly torrenting). To answer this, it's worth noting how viruses and spyware works. A virus is an executable file - i.e. it's a bit of code - that, once downloaded, messes up your computer in various ways. Basically, it's a file that makes your computer do something. Video files like mp4s are... well, very much not that. Video files are just files containing information that your computer displays, and no programs or files to run. That means that if you download an mp4 file, you cannot get a virus from it because it's just technically not possible. However, it's worth noting that if you're ever expecting a video file from a torrent and get something ending in .exe or similar instead, then don't open it - always make sure you know what you're expecting so you know if there's a possibility of a virus. On the other hand, this is very much a higher risk when pirating things like software or video games, that do contain executable files, so be careful. I'm not the most experienced in that arena, but if you're just sticking to films, you don't have anything to worry about.
Oh no, my VPN disconnected whilst I was torrenting! Are people going to come to my house and arrest me?
If your IP address is accidentally revealed for two or three seconds whilst you're connecting to the internet, don't panic, because nothing will happen to you. As long as your IP address is hidden most of the time, a two-second blip isn't going to matter. This isn't to say don't use a VPN - please, always use a VPN whilst torrenting - but no one's going to come to your house if you accidentally turn your VPN off for a moment. Put it this way - the Internet is really big, and the anti-piracy people don't have the time or the need to monitor every single person, so as long as you don't do anything attention-arising, just re-connect as quickly as you can and keep going about your day. That said - the longer you stay disconnected, the higher you are at risk, so just be careful.
Where should I store my downloaded files? They're really big and taking up space.
A 1080p movie file can easily be up to 5GB, and 4K movies can up to 100GB. These can fill up space real quick, so I would suggest investing in a solid state external hard drive. They've become very inexpensive and you can get a very large amount of storage in a small, portable drive that you can keep safe and full of your files. I have a 2TB drive that I use for my film work that does just fine with storing my torrented files.
What happens if I get caught?
The big, scary question, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't have a definitive answer. The first thing is that this will obviously vary depending on where you live, but still, I think that piracy often has a lot of over-blown paranoia about it. Copyright infringement lawsuits and the like are often reserved for really major offendors - think large-scale businesses and corporations. I highly doubt that you, as an individual consumer, would be a high priority on the prosecution list. I'm going to say that probably the worst thing that you'll get hit with is some sort of fine, but you won't be sent to jail or anything unless you decide to hack the CIA or something. This is why VPNs are so important - they'll ensure that you won't have to worry about this.
Concluding notes & more resources
Thank you for making it this far! I hope you found this guide helpful and that you have fun sailing the high seas. Once again, if you have any questions, my askbox is always open. Piracy and torrenting is, at its core, about community and sharing, and there's a great group of people online to connect with. The Reddit r/piracy subreddit also has a really good megathread of more resources, and the best way to learn more is honestly learn from others.
Happy pirating!
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autismisaokay · 9 months
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I feel like humanity would greatly benefit from a late adulthood support group. To my neurodiverse company, there are so many of us that got a late start into adulthood.
We could talk about what is like with little job experience or none at all.
College going in late, dropping out, or not going at all.
Relationships and navigating them as adults.
Having to live with parents or still supporting you in some way.
Being busy all the time or not at all and how that effects our mental health and what that means as adults to us. ( Adult busy is soo much different)
Special day for what I’m calling “Alternative, Nerdy, and Young At Heart Interests” A day where we talk about what it’s like and how to deal “what is weird but harmless and people have to deal with it” and “that’s crossing a line on my part how do I do better”.
Not having a license as an adult.
Navigating not having kids because it’s your choice, no money, physically can’t, or mentally it’s not something you can handle.
I seriously think it would help a lot of folks.
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~ Blue and White ~
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hillbillyoracle · 1 year
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For those with home related New Years Resolutions:
I’ve been a disabled homemaker for 5 years now so I wanted to share the resources that have helped me take our home from complete chaos to reasonably functional and enjoyable.
If you’re not functioning...
If you’re constantly tripping over things and getting injured, eating food that makes you sick, dealing with pests in the home, and struggling to complete basic tasks like feeding, clothing, and bathing yourself, then you should start with...
KC Davis aka StruggleCare aka DomesticBlisters
TikTok
Book
Podcast
Website
I recommend KC Davis’s stuff with a big heaping dose of “keep what works and leave what doesn’t.” She’s one of the few people I’ve seen talking about compassionate care focused on maintaining a level of personal functioning rather than maintaining a home. Her stuff has been very helpful to me during some very challenging times. 
I think her some of her best work is probably her videos on the 5 step tidying process, the ones on setting up bedside hygiene and food kits, and the ones on dealing with DOOM (Didn’t Organize Only Moved) boxes. 
That being said she has a tendency to use neurotype as a shield for not reckoning with other dynamics in a situation (gendered, narcissism, etc) when asked for advice by viewers which can lead to this “all people with neurodivergence are good” vibe which I find off putting (especially as an autistic person). I mention it because her bleh stuff was all I was coming across and I missed out on her good stuff for a while. It’s worth picking through though. 
Her book is a little better on the whole. 
If you’re functioning but still very overwhelmed...
If you can complete your daily activities of living pretty regularly but you’re still losing papers you need, rebuying items you didn’t realize you had, or looking around your home at a mess that feels impossible to clean, then check out...
Dana K White aka A Slob Comes Clean
YouTube
Website
Podcast
Books
I love Dana K. White’s stuff. Honestly, I recommend her to every level on this list but I think she probably shines brightest in this category. 
Her 5 step decluttering process is pure fucking gold. It’s a decluttering process that doesn’t rely on feelings at all - really helpful for those with trauma or alexthymia generally. She has multiple videos explaining it and even more where you can watch her go step by step with someone over the course of an hour and make a huge dent in some very overwhelming mess. Its the process I’ve used to go through over 50 moving boxes to declutter so we could fit in this much smaller space we moved to in April. 
Her day to day cleaning advice is also excellent. Her concept of dishes math has really helped me make decisions about what chores to focus on when I’m low energy. Her 14 Days to Opening Your Front Door series is amazing if you’re having to host for a given occasion but your home is a wreck. 
If you’re not painfully overwhelmed by your stuff but there’s still a lot of friction in your home...
If your stuff doesn’t overwhelm you but your home still doesn’t feel that good to be in, you’re still not finding things when you need to or it’s taking you a long time to find them, you create homes for things but they look terrible or they never seem to stick, then you’d love...
Cassandra Aarssen aka Clutterbug
YouTube
Books
Website
Podcast
Clutterbug types were kind of a game changer for me. It’s what really opened my eyes to why the systems that worked for me did not work for my partner. She is a Bee - lots of small categories that are all very visible - and I am a ladybug - big bucket categories that aren’t visible. When I reorganized our space according to the compromise between our types, Butterfly - big categories and very visible - all of a sudden the systems just worked so much better. There were many fewer fights sparked by things not getting put away or not being able to find things. So I really recommend her videos on the different types and examples of each. 
Quick word of warning, she does have regular videos about diet and exercise that I personally find pretty triggering to my disordered eating habits so I’m not subscribed to her and just check her channels every now and then so it’s easier to skip over videos where that might be a topic she talks about. 
Cliff Tan aka Dear Modern
TikTok
YouTube
Website
Book
Cliff Tan’s work is the most recent of these resources that I’ve come across but holy shit I cannot recommend it enough. 
Because my parents didn’t originally intend on my partner using the room she wound up using, there’s simply not space to keep some of the furniture and items in there anywhere else. Meaning she just kind of has to keep a fair bit of junk in there. But after watching (read: binging) the Dear Modern YouTube channel and seeing him completely change spaces by moving furniture around, I redid my partners room over the course of about 2 hours and it’s a completely different room. Way more comfortable and she’s already mentioned she’s getting much better sleep. 
So I really really recommend his stuff. Sometimes what you really need isn’t new stuff but just rearranging what you already have. 
If you’re pretty content with your home but want to streamline the process of caring for it...
If your home is pretty functional but regular tidying, deep cleaning, and maintenance tasks specifically keep falling through the cracks, then you might like...
FlyLady System
Website
The Secret Slob - YouTube
Diane in Denmark - YouTube
There are lots of systems out there for house keeping but I’ve yet to try or see one that seems to do better than FlyLady for me. Since with my illness my energy varies wildly, I don’t necessarily do things when her system recommends but I do them according to the priority her system ascribes to them as I’m able. 
FlyLady is a notoriously convoluted website so I really recommend learning from a secondhand source. The Secret Slob and Diane in Denmark are my favorites. 
Maintenance Lists
This Old House
There a lots of maintenance lists out there and honestly finding one and doing what you can is better than nothing. I personally like the ones from This Old House because they’re broken up into annual, seasonal, monthly, and some weekly tasks - which are essentially priority categories, similar to FlyLady. I’ve linked the winter one here but there are many others to pick through depending on what you want to work on. 
Bonus: Paper Clutter
My System
Link
This is what I’ve arrived at after years of experimentation. It’s an amalgam of a few different ideas from different systems in one place. I keep mind on my fridge but put yours where ever you’re dumping paper anyways. If you’re in a room or live in a car/backpack - I have ideas on how to organize it for those in this post too. 
Sunday Basket
YouTube Video
The Minimal Mom’s Video
She’s in Her Apron Video
Need something a little more robust? The Sunday Basket is probably be best version of a paper (and other stuff) system I’ve seen. Got something that needs dealt with? Chuck it in the Sunday Basket. The creator also has videos on long term paper storage ideas if that’s something you need as well. But her videos usually run an hour long so I recommend starting with either the Minimal Mom’s video or She’s in Her Apron’s video. 
Bonus: Digital Clutter
PARA System/Building a Second Brain by Tiago Forte
YouTube Channel
Website
Book
Essential Video
The branding on this system can be very productivity tech wonk which is off putting to me but when I finally started hearing what was at the core of it and applying it - my digital life was changed. I’ve linked my absolute favorite video he’s done here. Ignore the bit about it being the last in the series, most of us are already using some note app and if you like it you can always go back and watch the rest. But just applying what’s in that video to your digital systems will make things easier to find. 
Hope this helps someone out there! 
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riverlightlily · 6 months
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a partial list of adulting skills
to stay alive: cooking, grocery shopping, finding a safe place to stay, getting clothes
to stay healthy: doctor/dentist appointments, navigating insurance
to go places: driving, navigating public transport, rideshare, navigating an airport, booking hotels
to maintain your spaces: cleaning, pest control, home maintenance, car maintenance
to have healthy relationships: setting boundaries, practicing forgiveness, letting go
to live thoughtfully: gratitude, setting and working towards goals, not worrying about what others think
to have financial freedom: budgeting, investing, saving
to be happy: reflecting on what you want out of life (not what others want for you), realizing you are in control and have the power to change your life if you wish
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k-wame · 8 months
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тнιѕ ѕceɴe ιѕ ѕo ɢood αɴd тrυe тo lιғe ѕтoɴeмoυтн (2015) · ѕ𝟷·ᴇ𝟶𝟷 · 𝟶𝟾.𝟶𝟼.𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟻
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dxmxuse · 1 year
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A few things ive been doing recently that help manage my adhd
Not sure if this will help anyone but i've made a list of things ive been working really hard to do to help manage my adhd and general inability to be a functional adult:
Make reminder posters! Get on canva and create personalized posters to put around your room/house to help remind you to do daily things like take your meds, feed pets, take out trash, etc.
Keep a junk notebook! Anything you think of that cant do immediately write it down. If its important it'll help you remember it, if not it saves you from getting distracted or making impulsive decisions. (This is especially helpful if you tend to get distracted when studying!)
CLEAN AS YOU GO! Whether its taking a cup out of your room every time you leave or washing each dish immediately after use. If you can develop this habit it keeps your space so much cleaner!
Have two laundry bins: one for worn but not dirty things and one for dirty things. It limits what ends up on your floor!
Make use of bins. I have several around my apartment that I use for things that dont have a home. Once those bins are full, I go through them and discard or find a permanent home for them.
Don't study/work at home. Even if it means buying a $5 coffee just so you can sit in a spot and effectively work, its much better than getting so behind on tasks you get overwhelmed.
It takes some work to develop habits and im far from perfect with all of these, but if I can do these things even 3 days a week it makes a huge difference!
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It's wild to me how for all the information we have at our fingertips now, just a few keystrokes or clicks away, so many people... and especially younger people... don't ever want to Look Shit Up. It's easier than ever not to be ignorant about something, to double-check if some factoid you've heard repeated ad nauseam is actually true or not, to see if you're mistaken as to what year something happened or which person did this or that, and yet so many of you are extremely lazy about this. I'll never understand this, as someone whose first impulse is to run to Google or Wikipedia or Dictionary.com or more subject-specific sites like IMDB, Discogs, various wikis, etc. even when I'm pretty sure but not completely sure about something, let alone when I have no idea at all. And yes, these aren't always "reliable" sources (I have a Ph.D. and have published peer-reviewed research so I'm extremely aware of that) but a general-knowledge repository is still better than bumbling around in ignorance. If all you need to know is the basics of a subject, Wikipedia and its brethren are usually fine. And yet so many of you don't even care to learn that. You're posting this shit in front of the whole world, don't you care if you're making an ass out of yourself? Wouldn't you rather take a few seconds out of your day to check so that you don't? I really just do not get it y'all
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femmefatalevibe · 4 months
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How to stop oversharing?
Slow down: Always pause and think before you speak
Consider anything you share with someone who hasn't earned your complete trust or whom you have a transactional relationship with to be a PSA; Don't trust anything to be confidential with someone you don't fully trust
Reflect on why you overshare in the first place: Do you use it as a tool to soothe social anxiety or pauses in a conversation? Are you lonely or feel like it's a struggle to feel heard/seen/appreciated in your everyday life? Start journaling and/or go to a therapist to work through these very valid emotional wounds
Give yourself a "do's" and "don'ts" list on topics you will and won't discuss at work, different social events, with certain acquaintances, family members, etc., and stick to it
When you feel yourself starting to overshare, take a pause and ask the other person about themselves – it makes you show the other person you're interested in connecting and gives you time to think/reflect on what you should or shouldn't say
Hope this helps xx
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tlbodine · 1 year
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How to Socialize
OK, before I dig into this, a few disclaimers:
1 - I'm not like. A psychologist or anything. Just a writer who's been part of a whole lot of online communities and has run a pretty successful one for a few years.
2 - The advice that follows is not intended to make anybody feel bad or be a condemnation or enforce standards of behavior. If you read this and don't vibe with it, cool. Keep on scrolling by.
**also, oops, this is really long because I wanted to be thorough.
OK. So with that all out of the way. I was talking with a coworker today. She's undiagnosed but suspects she's some flavor of neurodivergent, and she works over on the sales side, where she was recently hired. Part of her training involves being coached specifically in how to interface with clients -- active listening, etiquette, how to ask good questions, that sort of thing.
She said to me today, "For like 27 years everybody has always just told me I was weird and intense and off-putting but nobody ever told me what I was actually supposed to DO until literally this week. Mind blown."
And I was like, shit, you know what? You have a point.
And that got me to thinking about communities -- from online spaces to meet-ups to society at large -- and the way we try to teach people behavior.
I feel like, overwhelmingly, folks are assumed to just understand what they're supposed to do. If there are community guidelines in place, they're usually rules about what not to do. But you can follow the rules to the letter, and still come off all wrong, and then nobody will ever tell you what you're doing wrong because it's impolite or whatever, until you irritate them so much that they either blow up at you or else just straight-up start avoiding you, and neither of those are really helpful pieces of feedback.
So. In case nobody has ever actually told you, specifically and explicitly? Here are some tips on being a good community member, the kind of person that folks will generally like to be around and want to be friends with.
Show Interest in Other People
The number one most important thing you can do to be a good community member, is to show interest in your other community members. After all, you want them to respond to you when you say things, right? Well. They want the same thing for themselves.
"But I'm not interested in what they're talking about." No problem. You're interested in getting along with them, right? Cool. So this interaction isn't actually about the subject. It's about making them feel good. And, hey, you know what? If you keep an open mind, you might find that what they're saying is actually pretty interesting.
Some phrases to remember and use when people are talking about an interest of theirs:
"Oh?" (general usage prompt for more information)
"That's really interesting! How does that work?" (acknowledges their interest + prompts them to talk more)
"I heard once about [related thing]." (shows that you are engaged with the topic, and allows you to shift conversation in a direction you're more comfortable)
"I'm really interested in [thing], I feel like that might be similar in [way]." (forges common ground and allows you to shift conversation to a topic you enjoy).
So for example, let's say you're talking to someone who mentions that they're really interested in...idk...volcanos. You don't really care about volcanos. But you like this person. So instead of just saying nothing (because you don't care about the topic), or changing the subject, engage instead: "I saw that movie Dante's Peak. How realistic is that?" "What got you interested in volcanos?" "I don't know much about volcanos. My thing was always horses. What's it like being a volcano girl?"
Whatever. The point is not to learn about volcanos (although learning new things can be fun!) but to give them a chance to talk about their thing.
Give Other People a Chance to Speak
The flipside of the thing above: If you're talking to someone about their interest, don't go so overboard trying to relate to them that you don't actually let them talk. In the horse/volcano example, see how it ends with a question? The question hands the topic back to the other person. It's like playing a game of catch. Conversation is tossing a ball back and forth. If one person hogs the ball, it's no fun for the other person.
When you're talking about your interests, you'll want to pay attention to the person/people you're talking to. In general, engaged conversation partners will mirror your energy. If they're asking questions and relating what you're saying to something they know, then they are trying to carry on conversation with you. Proceed!
If you notice they are:
Responding more slowly (without saying a disclaimer like "sorry, multitasking/at work, keep typing!")
Starting to reply with single-word responses ("cool!" "Okay" "lol") or emotes
Saying the same thing over and over ("That's awesome!" three times in a row)
They are most likely trying to disengage from the conversation. It's almost certainly not that they dislike you or that you've done anything wrong. They've probably just run out of things to say, or they really want to talk about something else, and they're looking for a way to politely exit the conversation. You can provide them with a graceful out by saying something like, "Anyway, that's my thing. What have you been up to?"
(Incidentally, if you notice that people have a tendency to stop talking to you or change the subject when you're trying to converse, check that you're not inadvertently giving off those disengagement signals. Saying things like "ok" or "I know" without any further prompting or question can be perceived as a cue for the other person to stop talking).
Avoid Self-Deprecation
Sometimes, you realize that you've made a misstep, and it seems natural that your next step should be to apologize. This isn't a bad impulse! But the way you apologize makes a difference.
For example, let's say you're talking in a discord channel and realize that you've been going on for a while and nobody else is saying anything. You get self-conscious and realize, oh, maybe you're talking too much.
So perhaps you're tempted to say: "Sorry. I know I talk too much and it's annoying."
Do not do this. Because now the people in chat will feel contractually obligated to reassure you that you are not annoying.
Instead, try a joke: "Phew that was a lot! Anyway. Anybody else want a turn?"
Keeping things light-hearted alleviates the pressure that other people might feel and keeps the mood from being too awkward.
"Isn't all of this dishonest and manipulative?"
Look. Here's the thing. People who are good communicators -- folks you might hear described as charismatic -- are folks who understand these rules, and other social rules, intuitively. Most well-socialized neurotypical folks communicate this way without thinking about it or even knowing what they're doing.
For those people, conversation is usually less about exchanging specific information and more about nurturing a social bond. Remember -- it's not about volcanos. It's about making the other person feel heard and appreciated.
To stretch the example to its breaking point: What would be dishonest or manipulative is if you pretended that you loved volcanos, or lied about your experience with volcanos, or went out of your way to build a relationship with someone on a shared passion for volcanos when actually you don't really like volcanos at all and one day you won't be able to stand it anymore.
Showing polite interest for a few minutes by asking a question? Is not dishonest. That's just you signaling to them, "I don't get your thing, but I care about you as a person and talking about this seems to make you happy, so please continue."
That's all for today. I might be back later with a post about sympathy and venting and advice. But for now, I hope this was at least a little bit helpful for somebody. Good luck out there making conversation!
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positiveupwardspiral · 3 months
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"Some people will not like you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Trying to force a friendship or relationship with someone who doesn't love you back isn't going to work. Yet very few people ever learn this lesson, nor do they want to hear about it either, they think they'll be the one person that can find that magic trick (they won't)."
"You can be the juiciest, ripest, richest apple in the world, but some people just don’t like apples."

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reveriesatelier · 11 days
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Tips for hair growth
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Massage your scalp for 5 minutes a day. This increases the blood flow in the scalp. Your hair follicles derive their nourishment from the blood which delivers oxygen and hair-building nutrients, so the more blood circulation their is, the more nutrients the hair gets, which leads to hair growth👌👌👌.
Regularly oil your hair. Sebum is a natural oil that is produced from the sebaceous glands in our scalp that helps maintain our hair health. Sebum is meant to help by moisturising and lubricating hair as a natural conditioner. But when it’s not produced in balanced amounts, hair feels extra greasy or super dry and flaky. This is where hair oiling can be helpful. A quality hair oil will mimic the effects that natural sebum provides. Because we all produce sebum, hair oiling works for all hair types. When you coat the strands, it seals in the moisture instead of having it evaporate. This properly nourishes the hair deep within the strands and scalp. 
Consistently eat pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin seed extract is a gentle yet effective ingredient that has been scientifically proven to block the 5-alpha reductase enzyme that produces DHT, a byproduct of testosterone that causes hair loss.
Don't wash your hair with hot water. Hot water in the shower can contribute to over-stripping the scalp and hair of natural oils, which can make hair feel brittle and scalp dry.
Remember that you won't see hair growth results immediately, it takes a few months to a year, just remember that consistency is the key! 
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billyengland · 6 months
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Raise your children outside, let them play in the woods, lakes and streams. Teach them self sufficiency, life skills, technical skills, respect and don't shelter them. Teach them to see propaganda, manipulation, and degeneracy for what it is.
This is the way.
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