#let's talk about sirius black !! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elysianymph · 8 months

Note

🔥 anything about sirius because i am being a little hater towards some characterisations too

i've already talked your ears off about this on discord but i'm happy to talk to about it again bc i fucking HATE new sirius black with a burning passion. i hate him as much as i love my sirius black that marauderstok can pry from my cold dead hands bc i'm not letting him go. i don't know when it happened and why but marauders fans are particularly persistent on taking away any interesting traits sirius had and leaving behind a whimpering pathetic twink that cries when someone looks at him the wrong way. sirius has been scrubbed clean of any morally grey traits he might've had (he's not allowed to care for his family (unless it's regulus) or long for them bc they are bad, he's not allowed to have any prejudices even though he was literally raised with pureblood mentality and taught he was superior to everyone else from the day he was born, he's not allowed to be an asshole bc he's not like his family guys!! and when he is an asshole it's always used to victimize the character he's being an asshole to and sirius is painted as the villain with mommy issues that can only be fixed by getting dicked down apparently)

i cannot stress this enough: LET THIS MAN BE A COMPLEX CHARACTER!! and no, giving him mental illnesses that miraculously disappear when he gets together with remus and making him attempt to kill himself post prank because he feels bad is NOT making him complex! you're just weird. you're just romanticizing mental illnesses and i can't believe you don't see anything wrong with it. giving him bipolar to justify his actions is?? not??? representation??? it's offensive to people who actually have to deal with these issues in their day to day lives and yet here you are using something that will impact their life forever as a plot device for your uwu sadboy mlm fanfic.

and that's what new sirius boils down to. he's a plot device, an accessory to everyone else's story that's never given much depth other than "oh his mom used the cruciatus on him and now he's traumatized". no hate to jegulus but hate to specific jegulus fics that turn sirius into an overdramatic caricature of his former self for the sake of drama and angst.

also, some of these wolfstar shippers... wtf are you guys on?? idk when and why (that's a lie i do but i'm not gonna say it) remus became sirius black in a werewolf costume but here we are. oh sirius was cool and effortlessly smart and handsome and girls wanted him? well guess what? snatches all of those character traits and throws them onto remus they're his character traits now. ignore how it doesn't make any sense for the werewolf child who was isolated from the rest of the world to be a smooth talking alpha casanova who plays basketball actually. while we're at it, ignore how unrealistic it is for a boy who was raised in a family that believed they were superior to everyone else based on blood status, who was raised to be the perfect heir and checked off all the traits needed to be one to be insecure?? and unsure of himself?? and stupid??? and a loser??? i don't understand what the point of flipping the wolfstar dynamic was when you're left with a shallow copy of the original but ok. you do you ig.

to summarize, my sirius is cool and effortlessly smart and egotistical and a complete asshole who thinks he's the best thing ever. is it an act to cover up how damaged he thinks he is because of his family? possibly. but i also fully believe sirius thought he was a god amongst men and everyone should be glad to be in his presence. he talked down to other people because he considered himself smarter, he rolled his eyes when students asked stupid questions and made fun of them when they got an answer wrong. he's a teenage boy let him be a dick with no excuses.

(also i find it funny when people write about sirius getting into a fight with james or remus and crying because they said something mean. as if sirius wouldn't throw hands the moment someone started criticizing him. he's toxic and that's what makes him interesting. that's his purpose! characters exist to make stories interesting, to start drama, not to be your moral guide on how to act. stories become so much more fun once you let go of the need to make every character a good person. also liking a character doesn't equal liking them as a person. i love sirius but i would hate his guts irl)

#i feel like i can never fully write what i want to say and i hate it #wish i could take you guys on a tour of my brain. it's crazy up in here #thank you for letting me talk zandra it's almost like you knew what was bothering me znjzjzj #it's really not that deep (i say after writing an entire post about it)#(it's not i just like to talk to myself and hope someone will listen bc i am very very passionate can you tell?)#sirius black #mwpp #marauders #marauders era #nymph answers #hating hours 🔥#just to be safe #tw mental illness #tw sui attempt

189 notes · View notes

defective-and-effective · 6 months

Text

James Potter, an Only Child, watching Sirius and Regulus fight for the first time: o.o

#quote: should we let them push each other like that?#art heist baby #I’ve been consumed by this piece of media #jegulus #Sirius black #Wolfstar #James potter #regulus black #Remus Lupin #you know the scene I’m talking about

61 notes · View notes

padfootastic · 1 year

Note

if you were to summarise sirius' personality and character traits, how would you do it?

hi hi hi! so sorry for long this took but okay, so, let’s do this.

so, his CORE trait for me will always be loyalty, hands down. i once waxed poetic about sirius’ devotion to the potters to my friends for like, half an hour straight (one of them actually teared up). the way he talks about james even after so many years, how his first instinct is always to look out for harry, how everyone talked about him & j even when they believed he was the traitor—all of it just really drives home how he gives all of himself to someone when he decides to. if someone’s his person then he’ll do whatever it takes for them (if you’re not, tho? ur lucky if u even get a look in ur direction)

he’s also very competent. he was probably brought up as a pampered heir, with access to all the resources his little heart desired, so coupled w his innate ability/potential/aptitude, it becomes a deadly combination. he uses logic to work through things, prides himself on his intelligence, and probably wouldn’t like hanging out with people who can’t atleast match him in some sense (so laziness/incompetence grates badly).

as a corollary, he’s also pretty arrogant, in that casual sense that old money people are ykwim? he’s had the world on a silver platter his entire life, and even when he’s cut off from it, it’s still a part of him. there’s also the fact that he’s got a lot going for him—looks, power, smarts wise—and that just adds to it. so it can be off putting or it can be hot or both, but he has a superiority complex and he doesn’t exactly hide it. less interaction with the plebs, the better for him.

irreverence and dark humor!!! sirius copes using morbid jokes and making people uncomfortable; he has slight control issues and this way, he makes sure everyone’s always on their toes. it’s also like,,,a way to kind of gauge how others will react to him based on how they deal w his humor. bc he’s not sunshine and roses, right? and he doesn’t want anyone treating him like it or expecting him to be so. and in a way, their reactions to his jokes correlated to their degree of acceptance for him.

intense. when it comes to things he likes, he’s very passionate about it, almost with a single minded focus. and it can get A Lot. he operates in a lot of extremes, right? so either 0 or 100 and this comes across in the way he interacts with people, the level of interest he shows to things, and how much effort he puts in, if it’s His Thing, then he won’t leave a stone unturned but if he doesn’t care? then he will not give a single shit

soooo, these are some of the things i very strongly believe in for sirius 🙈 tell me what u think? (and as always, @artemisia-black has some great metas on sirius’ character so i’d recommend checking those out for sure!)

#sirius black #tumblr has been difficult lately 😓#bc i’ve been travelling for stuff and there’s so much work piling up and i have a lot to do #esp this week #i haven’t been able to write anything in so long #but i love asks like this!!!#they’re fun and low pressure and let me talk at length about my boys #without punctuation at that lol #also controversial opinion: but i think a part of sirius always knew that if he caved he would get the silver platter back #like his family was probably v desperate to get their perfect heir & son back yeah?#and if sirius really REALLY needs to he can go back to it #except he’ll have to give up parts of himself for it and he won’t do that #but the knowledge that it’s not fully irreversible probably added to his arrogance a bit too #the knowledge that he’s not fully alone #if that makes sense? feel like i didn’t explain that well #i feel like a lot of this is just. hcs and conjecture but let it go yeah?#i don’t have a strong enough grip of canon togo that route #and in any case—i cherry-pick canon and only take what i like form it #from*#sirius is anyway a character of my heart first #pen’s asks

156 notes · View notes

impishtubist · 4 months

Note

I'm just telling you that finding your blong and works cheered me up *so much*, as a fellow person who loved Sirius back in the 2000s. Finally some food to eat!! What happened??

Well, the character assassination that Ootp unreliable narrator and the wired choices made in Hbd and Dh, of course.

Sirius being tall is mentioned a LOT in the books. He is a big scary dude and a big scary dog, and i miss punk Sirius listening to the Crush and Sex Pistols. Brilliant and wild and with a healthy tendency to question and defy authority. He clashes so hard with conformist characters like Molly and authority-respecting characters like Hermione bc he learned that questioning what you are taught and the people teaching you is important. He isn't irresponsible. PTSD up the wazoo, probably constantly triggered by being, well, imprisoned back at the site of his childhood trauma and suffering constant verbal abuse from the portrait of his original abuser, but not irresponsible or erratic.

Also, ppl who blame an older sibling for escaping abuse, wtf. As someone who's sadly familiar with how it goes, IRL, that's usually the narrative pushed by the abusive parents to divide the kids and push away the responsibility. All children in abusive homes are children, and the adults are the responsible ones. That is so ugly, as a person who has been there to see the struggles siblings like that go through.

Bonus:

Remus is gay little piece of wet tissue paper with self-esteem issues. He's a pathetic man who is very affected by social pressure, a chronic people pleaser who's afraid of genuine connections. He thinks no one can ever love his authentic self, so he will do everything to not let ppl know him, and so afraid of rejection, he will preemptively cut ppl out. He makes bad choices and then uses the guilt he feels as proof of being right. And I loved him like that. I read the coded gay when POA came out, and I called pathetic gay man with thinly vailed HIV metaphor.

You know what? I don't care, I'm putting this in the Sirius Black tag. Starting 2024 with chaos!

This is the greatest ask I have ever received. Yes, you get it! That is Sirius, not whatever is being portrayed in art and fic and headcanons these days. That is an OC who I do not know. Same with Remus! Prior to HBP and DH, yes, he was absolutely coded as a gay man and also a HIV metaphor (the latter of which is extremely fucked, but others have written tons of meta on that so I will not touch on it). But then of course JKR had to retcon that real quick when she realized what fans were writing, so of course Sirius had to die and Remus had to end up with a woman.

My first anon of 2024 is also now my favorite one, I'm not sure how anyone is going to top this 😂

#imp speaks #chaos night #bi people exist but remus lupin is not one of them #let's talk about bi sirius though i am all about the bi sirius agenda #sirius black #kvetching is an art form #if i'm not complaining about something then i'm not having any fun

22 notes · View notes

youdrewstarsxaroundmyscars · 8 months

Text

"oh my god jegulus is taking over" "what about jily they're literally harry's parents" "why aren't the girls getting more representation"

y'all.

it's fanfiction. if you don't like something don't fucking read it. if you don't think there's enough of something. do it yourself.

chill.

36 notes · View notes

littlesadzap · 1 year

Text

The way my happiness on Christmas Day depends on a stranger on the internet posting stories about secondary characters from the Harry Potter books falling in love with each other in another universe

#zar I am talking about you #Zar will ruin my mental stability and I will let him do it #crimson rivers #jegulus fic #marauders fic #zeppazariel #regulus black #sirius black #remus john lupin #remus x sirius #james potter #james x regulus #james potter x regulus black #marauders era

145 notes · View notes

y0url0verb0y · 11 months

Text

As a man who kins James Potter I need me a Regulus asap 😭. So if you kin Regulus hmu 😂. /hj

Or just any Marauders (hp) characters for that matter, I need more friends who like the Marauders frfr 💀.

#james potter #regulus black #jegulus #remus lupin #sirius black #marauders harry potter #wolfstar #marauders #james potter kinnie #i hate that word sm 😭#starchaser #i need friends #let's talk about the Marauders #and share headcannons

27 notes · View notes

verrescent · 6 months

Text

super duper random but I think the reason I'm not really head over heels for Sirius or super big on wolfstar like everyone else is because I kinda see him as aromatic. I don't think he's aroace, just aro. Or maybe at least on the arospec. His family was the first thing he knew, the first thing he loved, and he's traumatised from the shit he saw, had done to him, and was forced to do. I feel like that just really messed up his perception of love.

ABSOLUTELY NO HATE ON WOLFSTAR. They still hold my heart in their silly little clawed hands. But like. Idk.

I think another thing that kinda peeves me is the way that Sirius is portrayed as kind of.. emotionally dull. Like he's either too sexualised, or just really emotionally hurtful (I feel like abusive is too strong of a word) towards Remus and the people around him. He's about the only character we have a set personality on. He's used to the floodgate of emotions he feels, he's probably more emotionally aware than Lily even. He's childish, and quick to anger in the books, but after years of having your worst and lowest moments replayed over and over again while your teeth ache and rot, I think he's got a right to be. In school, he was better. Though still bad from the ongoing abuse from his parents.

I don't think he was unfixable, I think he just took a lot of time to heal from everything. He's able to form platonic relationships, of course, but he doesn't really have any desire for anything romantic. He used to think something was wrong with him and tried to force himself to do what everyone else was doing, dating and stuff, but he just never clicked with it. He can love, he isn't like incapable of it, but it's just not romantic. I think he's his own person who doesn't need a relationship to make his world round once more, I think he'd much rather have plenty of people around with whom he's formed bonds with that'll last long past his death. That's because he doesn't like doing one thing for too long, and because he feels like the idea of having to love someone is too specific for it to be for him.

I think even after Azkaban he feels this way, maybe even more so, but he's more appreciative of the people around him. Just a little ramble

#sirius black #veve talks ^'^#harry potter #marauders era #rambles #idk man #like it's not really that big of a deal #it just. ticks me off how people r like #'lol shit happens!' and usually show no lasting repercussions from the shit he went thru #like no lol #he is not slutting about #he's trying to figure out how to comfortably ask James to warn him before hugging him because he's TRAUMATISED #it also makes me made when he gets no healing era!!#let my man grow into his own skin and love on people!#damn #I feel like that's very contradictory #I think this is controversial #aromantic #arospec

4 notes · View notes

fox-marauder · 11 months

Conversation

Sirius: let's talk about murder, honeybees.

[the marauders as random thoughts and dialogues i have].

11 notes · View notes

ddejavvu · 1 year

Note

not to be self indulgent but poly!marauders sirius being ur go to salon therapy guy. he’s the kinda person who walks around equipped with tweezers and has a weird thing abt wanting to pop ppls spots (u know the type)

i have untamed eyebrows!! my mum forced me to get them 2000s type thin when I was like 11 and it traumatised me so i only brush em and gel em for makeup looks now!! they have a nice shape but okay they’re a bit unruly to ppl who care!! they’re luscious and dark and have a good enough shape to em and i like em enough but sometimes i wish I could just have em a little bit cleaner in shape just for the feel etcetc etc!!!

and sirius would talk and talk talk talk his way into letting himself at em with some tweezers for fun. for him, ofc. he would just love the blank canvas and he’d enjoy shaping em and u can’t tell me he wouldn’t rugby tackle u and just like. Sit on top of ur chest. Like a cat. Suction cup grip to ur head with his free hand to keep you still.

don’t talk to me about the ‘convince her to let me at her brows’ phase. he’s pulling out all the stops, he’s bribing, he’s blackmailing, he’s puppy-dog-eyeing. if it’s magical - he’s giving u a suspicious amount of padfoot attention. if it’s non-magical, he’s overly-overly touchy in public, the cheesy kinda amped up flirting. oh you want him to stop? …well it’s only a small price, he supposes..

fun tidbit! getting ready for bed and he tries to ambush you, swearing it’ll be all relaxed and calming and spa like and James probably crawls over you and just covers your eyebrows solidly with his palms to ‘save u’ from him. but James is James and all saviours need a reward :) kiss or ur eyebrow protectors are gone :)

okay sO funny little story about me is that i don't actually have eyebrows but i used to and i got them waxed once and i would have totally let sirius pluck 'em instead bc omg waxing hurt like a bitch..

sometimes he catches you pulling at your skin in the bathroom to straighten them out or angle them up or peer at the stray hairs there and he's standing behind you with his tweezers like >:)))) it's like a horror movie where you see him standing in the mirror behind you, and his weapon of choice is tweezers

but he would!! he'd do it in your sleep, he'd crawl into your bed and pluck away and you'd wake up to a sharp tug at your eyebrow and ohmygod you can't breathe what's on your chest?? oh. it's sirius. and his tweezers.

you recruit james as your eyebrow protector, but like u said he needs payment, he doesn't work for free, of course!! so he keeps his chin on your forehead and every page of your book that you turn is one kiss that you owe him, and sirius lunges at him with the tweezers for revenge. now i know james potter has never groomed his brows a day in his life so sirius has his work cut out for him, but then there's a red sore patch on james's skin 'cause that really hurt! and u gotta kiss it better <3

he's telling you he'll buy you that new book you want if you just let him at your face, he'll clean your room, he'll wash your laundry, he'll cook you dinner, he'll do anything just let him !!!!! he crawls into your bed one night as padfoot and snuggles up to you and then bites the skin beside your brow just at your temple, a little nip with his teeth, and you're like >:O HEY >:O

#sirius black #sirius black x reader #sirius black imagine #sirius black headcanons #sirius black fanfiction #sirius black oneshot #sirius black blurb #poly!marauders x reader #james potter x reader #james potter #let's talk about sirius black !!#let's talk about james potter !!

237 notes · View notes

elysianymph · 9 months

Text

Walburga stared into Sirius’ cold eyes, narrowed in defiance as he desperately clawed at the cage she had confined him in, searching for a way out, not knowing it didn't exist. Grey eyes swirling with hatred and anger so deep that Walburga knows he must’ve inherited it from her. The same eyes that looked at her in childish wonder as she had explained to him how their magic was made of stardust, how their namesakes were given for a reason. It was an old lie that her own mother had told her, one that Walburga hadn't believed for over a decade.

However, looking down as Sirius’ eyes lit up at her words, she had almost thought it true. Maybe Sirius was the exception, maybe he was a blessing sent from the stars that had finally decided Walburga had seen enough disappointment and pain in her short life. Maybe Sirius would shine just as bright as his star does, twinkling when Walburga pointed her finger at it with Sirius’ gaze carefully following her every move. A toothy smile spread across his face and she almost felt bad when she reprimanded him for it, that wasn't how a Black ought to behave but Sirius… he was different. She could feel it in what little remained of her heart.

That much had been true. Sirius was alive, burning as bright as his namesake, so warm that he burned others without meaning to.

She had never told him the curse of their namesakes, that a star burning so bright could only shine so long before it collapsed in on itself or destroyed everything around it.

Walburga had never thought he would burn her, the one who had given him everything she had.

Until she was pointing her wand at the tapestry where her once beloved son’s name was written, burning his face off of the fabric and crumbling along with its ashes on the floor, crying for a son she had lost years ago.

#writing about them again so here's an older snippet i wrote #listen... the tiktok slideshows about mothers got to me again #i love her. like she's so interesting (bc i made her interesting let's be fr)#i'm so delusional about them but i just... walburga couldn't have been the monster we've written her to be #i could talk about her for hours but i'll shut up #anyway. ENJOY NEW INTERPRETATIONS OF CHARACTERS YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF OR DIE #sirius was a mommy's boy #sirius black #sirius & walburga #walburga black #nymph writes #marauders #marauders era

73 notes · View notes

saintchaser · 1 year

Text

a narrow, dark, cobblestone alleyway, lit only by a solitary lamppost.

james winced, pressing his left hand against his stomach, thick, crimson blood oozing from between his fingers. he hissed in pain, slowly sliding against the wall of the building.

they had been ambushed in a lonely neighborhood of london. he and sirius had gone out to a pub to celebrate silly nothings, because hadn't they, they wouldn't have resisted the war. however, when they had left, tipsy and laughing loudly, sirius' arm slung around james' shoulder, something had exploded a few blocks away and the dark mark hung in the sky, green and black and sickly, an omen of death. it had been a matter of seconds until the death eaters faced them.

"hey, padfoot?" james whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. "have i been a good friend?"

"the very best," sirius gave james a small smile, rushing to his aid. "but you can't die, prongs. the order needs you. we the marauders, need you. your family needs you." sirius hesitated, pressing his hand against james' stomach to try and stop the bleeding. "i need you."

he laughed, ugly and bitter. "remember how we said that if something like this happens, the other shall die too? you better hex yourself until it's too late."

sirius chuckled, but his face was dark with worry. "no need to, mate. you're not dying tonight. you can't die." he looked desperately for a sign that james will laugh and tell him he'll be fine, but his head lowered.

"hey, mate?" james asked, looking up to sirius, a soft tear slipping down his cheek. "if something happens," he coughed, looking at his hands, stained red with his own blood. "if something happens, take care of lily and hari for me, yeah? you gotta keep your head up for them, whatever happens."

"no, no," sirius laughed, shaking his head, knelt in front of his friend, pressing harder on his abdomen. "you're not fucking dying!"

james held his hand up, signaling him to keep quiet. "sirius, listen. we don't know what's gonna happen." he laced his fingers together with his friend and gave his hand a weak, warm squeeze. "i'll die in a heartbeat for my family. you're my family, too." his chuckle was raspy. "but family always sticks together, yeah? and you're my son's godfather. take care of him and lily, if anything happens to me. i'd rather it happened to me than to lily. merlin knows the kid needs a mother."

"he needs his father, too!" sirius plead. "come on, james, let's go home. we'll fix this up, you'll be okay. hari needs his dad. lily needs her husband. i need my brother. let's go home, prongs."

james nodded, almost imperceptibly. "but you'll take care of my family if something happens to me, right? you'll be a father figure to my son. hari loves you, he really does. he's just too tiny to know how to show it. and, if anything happens to me, you'll take care of remus and peter too. they don't take care of themselves nearly enough. and of yourself too. keep your head up for me, pads."

sirius nodded, blinking his tears away and helping his friend up, hoping to whoever was watching over them that he'd never have to spend a day without his partner, his accomplice in mischief. "yeah. anything for you, prongs."

they disappeared into the night with a pop and, once again, the london streets were quiet, the dark mark still hanging deadly in the sky.

#blood tw #injury tw #explosion tw #mentioned death tw #this is the angsty james and sirius one-shot i was talking about! james is ready to die for the ones he loves (including sirius)#and sirius is not ready to let james go because he's his best mate. and you can never be ready for someone that close to your heart to die #i love their friendship so much and i think that's it's something that despite being one of the main focuses in the marauders era #it's very... not represented and not talked about enough #also can you guys tell i love writing snapshots of the war? i love writing the war angst so much GOD /pos #sirius black #james potter #sirius black angst #james potter angst #sirius&james #my writing

20 notes · View notes

creativitybutnotreally · 6 months

Text

Inktober day 12 - spicy

James shares the curry his mom sent him was Sirius

#inktober 2023 #my art #i tried #Let's not talk about the way this is 4 days late #inktober day 12 #Indian James Potter #He means the world to me #Sirius Black #mauraders #Ignore all the random marker stains my last drawing bled through

2 notes · View notes

padfootastic · 1 year

Text

Saudade

You can also read it on Ao3

Remus knew he was a coward.

It’s why he always preferred to blend in. He couldn’t afford not to. It’s also why, to his eternal shame and regret, he’d never bothered to even question the circumstances of Sirius’s imprisonment. His betrayal.

Because he knew if he looked even slightly below the surface, it’d shatter.

(He’d shatter)

Because he wasn’t just a coward, was he. He was also helpless.

No.

Powerless.

He was powerless.

It didn’t matter if he knew Sirius was innocent, if not of the murders then definitely the betrayal (because he knew, didn't he, that Sirius Black would never—as long as he had breath in his body, magic in his veins, life in his heart—do anything to hurt James Potter. It was a fundamental truth of life. There were five exceptions to Gamp’s law of elemental transformation, the sun set in the west, and Sirius was unfailingly loyal to James. Isn’t that how it's always been?)

Because even if the truth was not what it seemed, he couldn’t do anything about it.

So he lived his lie. Didn't bother to look past the newspapers blaring the inevitability of a Black turning to the dark side. It validated his own feelings, his mistrust, his circumstances.

It was a profoundly selfish act, but it was all Remus could do.

x-x-x-x

There was…one moment when he tried, just the bare minimum, really, in hindsight but it was enough to, if not soothe, then push down the constant guilt gnawing at him.

“Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore looked down at him through his half moon glasses. “What can I do for you?”

Remus didn’t know whether to appreciate the even tone or not. In the past month, his entire life had collapsed around him. He’d gone from being part of a whole, one of four, to completely alone. Even putting one step in front of the other was getting too much for him and on some days, he forewent even that small action. Laying in bed, contemplating his entire life and how it went so wrong in less time than it took to blink—that was all he had the energy for these days.

So to hear Professor Dumbledore refer to him like that, almost pleasantly, as if they were still back in school and Remus had just bumped into him in the corridor—it was equal parts relieving and maddening.

He chose to ignore that for now, though. He had enough going on without discovering new things to be bothered about. Not like he had the energy for it, either.

“Headmaster, I—“ Remus gulped nervously. Now that he was here, it felt much more daunting than he could have imagined. What would he even say?

“Yes?”

Remus took a shaky breath and tried again. “Professor, are you—is it completely without doubt that Sirius—“ He couldn’t finish the sentence but he knew the other man understood what he was trying to say.

“Mr. Lupin…Remus,” Dumbledore started gently, and already Remus was regretting this little excursion. “I know the past month can’t have been easy for you. I wouldn’t even presume to understand how bad it must’ve been. None of us thought that Mr. Black could…” He trailed off, eyes staring at a door behind Remus. He didn’t think he’d imagined the sadness that flashed in his eyes, a meagre reflection of his own agony.

It was only a momentary slip, though, as his eyes hardened and steel coated his next words. “But what’s done is done, despite the tragedy of it all. Mr. Black made his choice, and now it is time for you to do the same.” He gave a sad smile, a damning one that spoke of his finality in the matter. “It is always harder to be the one left behind, Mr. Lupin, and your fate is one I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I can only hope that you find the strength I know you have in you, and use it to move on from this episode.”

Remus could only sit there, stunned and numb and feeling like his skin was tearing itself apart from the inside, the way it did on full moons except worse.

An episode, Dumbledore said, as if he wasn’t talking about his family, his entire life. As if this was a schoolyard skirmish, an encore of that horrid ‘prank’ in fifth year, one he could forget if he so wished to. As if it was that easy to carve away the parts of himself that were entwined with the rest of his brothers (which made up most of him— mind, body, soul, and magic). As if he would even want to.

Remus didn’t try again after that, not with Dumbledore and definitely not with anyone else. If the man who was their leader seemed so sure, then who was Remus to go against his word?

(He’d never regretted anything more in his life, perhaps with the exception of the belief that caused this in the first place)

x-x-x-x

They didn’t talk about it.

At first, there was the whole thing with Pettigrew and being on the run and everything that came with it. Once that got sorted, though, there was no excuse other than it was easy.

Easy to ignore the ache in his heart when the distance between them reared it’s ugly head.

Easy to turn away when he saw the way Molly and Dumbledore treated Sirius in his own house, because isn’t that what he’d been doing so far?

Easy to stay away, altogether.

Sirius never brought it up either. Perhaps on purpose, too, because the pain in his eyes never lessened. Remus could pick out multiple instances where he opened his mouth to say something before abruptly shutting down.

That was another difference. Pre-azkaban Sirius wouldn’t have hesitated like that, not with Remus.

It only drove the knife further in. But did he have anyone to blame but himself?

It was just after Hogwarts had closed. Harry, who’d finished his fifth year, had gone back to the Dursleys but not for long because in a turn of events no one could have predicted, Sirius’ case had completely upended itself in the aftermath of the DoM debacle. Remus still didn’t like to think about it, how close he—they’d come to losing Sirius (again) and how it was only sheer dumb luck—a rock that made him stumble sideways instead of back—that saved him from falling into the Veil.

Perhaps the only positive of the evening was the Minister seeing Sirius Black fighting unequivocally for the Light and against the Death Eaters. In Remus’ opinion, it would be quite some time before anyone forgot the image of escaped inmate Sirius Black laughing at Bellatrix Lestrange in a strange parody of his actions fifteen years ago. The cold laughter juxtaposed with the deadly spells he’d been aiming at his cousin was enough to stun everyone not in the know and that was how an enquiry had been conducted into the case, leading to where they were today.

Remus, however, had spent every minute he could hiding away, even more than before. He couldn’t bear to show his face at Grimmauld Place—the idea of seeing Sirius actually sent a wave of shivers down his spine.

But, as he’d always known, his time did run out.

x-x-x-x

“So are we talking about this then?” Sirius’ voice is tired, perpetually exhausted as it seems to be these days.

They were sitting at the dining table, cups of tea long gone cold in their hands. It was the first time in months Remus has allowed himself to be in the same room as Sirius (it shouldn’t be like this. it never was before. how did it all go so wrong) and the other man wasn’t stupid. Even if Remus hadn’t initiated the conversation, he knew they’d have it. Of course it was Sirius who poked the sleeping dragon. He had always been the braver of the two. Of course, if it was a competition, then James Potter would’ve come leagues ahead of either of them, his passion and intensity unmatched.

(But James isn’t here right now and that’s really the cause of half their problems, is it not?)

Sirius was…quieter, more focused, but plenty brave enough. If Remus allowed himself to think about it, it’s no surprise he brought it up first. In fact, it’s more surprising that he hadn’t so far.

Still. “Talk about what?” he regrets the words almost as soon as they slip out of his mouth. Sirius only looks at him steadily.

Of course he knows what this is about but it’s easier to cling to what you’ve been hiding behind all this while, is it not? But is it fair, to him? More importantly, is it fair to Sirius? Does he not deserve an honest answer, an honest friend?

It’s that which pushes him to try again.

“I-I didn’t mean that.”

“Sure you did, Remus.”

“Alright,” he amended. “I shouldn’t have meant that.” And that at least is true. It gets a wry smile out of Sirius.

“There’s a lot I shouldn’t have done,” he continued, which neatly drives the mirth away. Remus looked down, at his fingers, the bitten down nails and ink stains, so he didn’t have to stare into the consequences of his actions.

‘I should—apologise.”

“Do you want to?”

His head snapped up, the sting of the comment settling under his skin like an itch. How could he think—? One look at Sirius’ face, however, devoid of any malice or cruelty, and the indignant feeling in him dies out as quickly as it rose.

It was a fair question. He hated the fact but couldn’t deny it.

How would Sirius know about the hundreds of hours he’d spent screaming and crying and begging someone, anyone to turn back time, to make things better, to give him a second chance?

Sirius couldn’t know about the time Remus hadn’t been able to get out of his house for seven months, two weeks, sixteen days straight, surviving only on dry crackers and tepid tea and stale bread and feeling guilty for doing so. He’d spent the entire time staring blankly at the sickly green wall of his bedroom, living in a haunting loop of his memories and wishing he was back in them.

Sirius hadn’t seen any of that.

(Would it have made a difference, if he had, Remus thinks. They weren’t indicative of anything but his own guilt, certainly didn’t stem from any moral conviction in Sirius—and what value did it have for someone who was being tortured day and night? living with the knowledge that he’d been left behind without so much as a second thought?)

It’s not something he’s thought about before—in those fantasies where everything is as it was before. Sirius apologises, Remus apologises, they hug it out and it’ll all be better again—but now, now he can’t help but wonder about the efficacy of platitudes.

He hated Sirius’ matter of fact resignation even more, like there was no other way for Remus to react except defensively. (It wasn’t always like this. The Marauders, James & Sirius, they’d always been his biggest believers. They’d made him capable of touching the sky and the stars and everything in between and Remus has been untethered ever since that fateful halloween. There was a time, when anyone expecting any less of Remus—even himself—than they should would’ve gotten all of Sirius’ hackles raised—‘our Moony’s worth a dozen of you and you should only be so lucky to get to see that’—so it stung particularly bitterly when it was the same man expressing this apathy.

The juxtaposition of the two Sirius’ in his head was enough to give Remus a headache at the best of times, let alone now.

So he takes a deep breath, lets the feeling wash away, and nods.

“You don’t have any reason to believe me, and I don’t blame you for it, but I do. Want to, that is.”

Sirius didn’t reply but Remus continued, undeterred.

“I didn’t for a long time. I didn’t want to, not at all. Because it would be my fault, you know? And I was so tired, Sirius, god. I was exhausted trying to keep up this pretense. I just needed to get the burden off.”

Sirius just looked at him, silent. Remus could see the way his eyes flick around the room, however, and how his fingers trembled ever so slightly. He might’ve been out of Azkaban but the signs would last a long time.

“What made you change your mind, then?” There's a note of curiosity in Sirius’ voice and Remus cannot articulate the relief that fills him at hearing it. Anything, even anger or blame, was better than that bland apathy that made his skin itch.

The question itself makes him pause, however. Because he’s guilty, nay, he’s ashamed of the answer he’s about to give. He contemplated shutting up, or perhaps leaving the room altogether, and it takes longer than it should for him to banish the thought.

“Remus?” Sirius asked again and it’s the knowing look in his eyes that made him close his eyes in defeat. He should’ve known he couldn’t have avoided this. This was a man who knew him better than anyone else who’s alive right now—how could he ever have thought he’d be able to hide things from him?

So he takes a deep, fortifying breath. Releases it slowly, grounding himself in the process.

“When I came to Hogwarts.”

“The time I broke out?

Remus tilts his head in the barest hint of confirmation. Sirius nods like he’d expected that.

Again, Remus wanted to be offended—but how could he?

“How’d you—“

—know?” Sirius finished. Remus nodded, a sharp, jagged thing that’s barely an answer.

Sirius smiled ruefully. It looked wrong on him, like a shirt stretched out and shrunk back down with a charm. “Because I know you, Remus. And though it hurt, I always knew you didn’t believe in me, at least not at the end there.

I’ve had nothing but time all this while. Time to think, to wonder where it all went wrong, what I could’ve done—time even to curse James out,” he lets out a hollow chuckle at that, one that Remus echoes because just the idea of Sirius cursing at James is so absurd, there’s nothing you can do but laugh at it, morbid though it may be in the moment.

“And the only thing I can think of is how bad we messed up. I don’t— you know the worst part about this, Remus?” Sirius asks, in his tired, broken voice. Just hearing it makes him want to flinch and hide away. Instead, he brings himself to give another shaky nod.

“I wouldn’t have cared one bit if you’d thought I was a mass murderer. Hell, even being a Death Eater could be believable under the right circumstances and you were away so long, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d entertained the thought.”

Remus waited for the ‘but’ with his heart in his mouth, tasting ash and regret and guilt. He knew what was about to come, had wondered the same thing hundreds of times, going round and round in circles with no relief to be found.

“But how could you ever, even just for a second let alone 12 years, think I could do that to Ja—“ here, his voice broke, unable to even finish the name. Sirius’ trembling hands clenched into fists, hard enough that he could see the knuckles losing color. The words were just as devastating as he could have imagined, if not more. Coming from another’s mouth and not just whirling in his thoughts, it seemed even more damning in the light of day.

And that was just it, wasn’t it. It was this that confirmed what Remus had known from the moment he’d been made aware of Sirius’ innocence.

There would be no forgiveness here. The most he could hope for was closure, perhaps a chance to clear the air, as it were, and that was only if Sirius was feeling merciful. Which, when it came to James, he seldom did. Remus would know; he’d seen the aftermath of what happened to those who dared touch James Potter.

And Remus? Ne hadn’t just hurt Sirius—that was almost inconsequential in the larger scheme of things—no, Remus’ biggest mistake was besmirching the legacy, the honor of James Potter.

Sirius had destroyed people for far less.

It was this realisation that weighed heavy on him, head bowing until his chin touched his chest, unable to hold it up anymore, not knowing what to say and unsure whether he should.

“I can forgive you almost anything, Remus, you know that. I wouldn’t have cared one whit about anything else but that you could think that—that anyone who knew us could—it was that, more than the dementors, more than the crazed prisoners, more than the taunts and insults and torture, that’s what almost broke me in Azkaban.”

A sob broke out from Remus’ chest, ugly and desperate and entirely unfair on his part. Sirius didn’t need his guilt, nor his despair. Remus didn't deserve to be unhappy in front of him. He had made his own bed and now he was to lie in it. He couldn’t even be happy about the hint of steel he could hear underlying Sirius’ words, a faint echo of his past self. Because the implications it held for him were devastating. Remus knew he wouldn’t lose Sirius completely—they had too much history for that, but he’d lose everything that made Sirius him. He’d been spoiled, allowed into the small, small circle of people Sirius truly let in, and he knew there would be no going back. There would be perfect civility, and amicable conversations, but he’d never have his Sirius back. He’d get the Sirius Black the rest of the world saw, the one with the impeccable masks, who was always in control—but not Padfoot, never Padfoot anymore.

And that was to be his penance.

“I am—I truly am sorry, Sirius. You’d never know how much. I just—I couldn’t—I don’t think I’ve taken one full breath since that night, everything was too fast and I couldn’t think and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t used to being alone anymore,” he said, leaning forward desperately, wanting to explain (not justify, never justify), not wanting Sirius to leave thinking this was—this was what Remus wanted. because he didn't, never could’ve imagined things ending up like this.

It was almost humbling, this ignoble end of the Marauders. They’d considered themselves untouchable, rulers of the world, sitting atop a throne only they could see. So many promises, a seemingly unbreakable bond, the best of the best.

And look at them now.

All of them in varying stages of decay, dead and dying.

“And I know, dammit I know that doesn’t count for shite. But please, I just—you have to know—“ his hands pressed together, pleading, as the words came out in a defeated plea, “I never meant for it to be like this.”

“The worst part of that,” Sirius smiled, small and broken and not even worth a shadow of his usual brilliance. “is that I know you mean that, Remus. I believe it too.”

A second passed, then two, before he delivered the final blow.

“I just wish you’d fought for us the way we had for you.”

#sirius black #remus lupin #james potter #he’s not here in person but he’s mentioned enough to be an imo character #but then when is he not when it comes to me #i edited the whole thing and added punctuation + capitalisation and lowkey prefer the og raw unedited one lol #it felt more fitting to this style of writing #but idk if that’s even readable to people lol #so we gotsa make lil creative sacrifices #please read and tell me what u think!!!#very desperate here. basically biting off the last of my fingernails #gonna be anxiously looking at all my notifs lmao #gimme feedback ok?#i wanna know what remus fans think tbh #yes yes im being v annoying and v greedy but. let me have this. pls.#i have—so many thoughts about this that i’ve held myself back from adding #bc i didn’t wanna tell too much #or add unnecessary shit just bc my brian wouldn’t stop #but i don’t think i can stop talking about this if anyone wants to lol #ok that’s enough of me now have fun!#pen’s writing

52 notes · View notes