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onceuponastory · 1 year

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taxi - bucky barnes x reader

In the backseat of the taxi When you told me we were only Two punch drunk souls all tangled in the wind And in the backseat when you asked me "Is the sadness everlasting?" I pulled you closer, looked at you and said "Love, I think it is" - Taxi by The Maine also thought this song fitted bc planes taxi too lmao

Plot: After their misunderstanding, Y/N tries to tell Bucky the truth...despite the roadblocks life keeps throwing their way. Pairing: Pilot!Bucky Barnes x FlightAttendant!Female!Reader Warnings: Angst and miscommunication... but a happy ending, cause it’s me. As always, if I miss any triggers, please let me know. Notes: This was written for @the-slumberparty‘s Writing Challenge from last week: write a continuation of a one-shot. So here’s a part two to my first Pilot!Bucky fic, Fear of Falling. Not beta’d, so any mistakes are my own.

For the rest of the day, Y/N stays in bed, trying to grapple with the night before. Bucky’s expression still haunts her, even now, consuming her every waking moment. Honestly, she’s surprised that she’s still functioning right now. Funnily enough, it feels like she’s been on autopilot since the night before, simply moving through the motions to appear like a normally functioning human. All she knows is that she has to tell Bucky the truth, but doesn’t even know how. And then, she remembers everyone is going to dinner tonight. Her hope rises. This could be her chance to finally make things right.

When the time comes, she rushes downstairs. Everyone greets her, but Bucky only mumbles a ‘hello’. He refuses to make eye contact with her, and her heart sinks. She was hoping for a moment alone with him, but all this is doing is reinforcing her worst fear. Hopefully, he just needs a moment to think things over, and when she speaks to him later, it’ll all be okay.

Yet, as the night wears on, that possibility fades more and more. She and Bucky barely speak more than a few pleasant words to one another, both unsure of what to do or say around each other after the night before. “Hey, we’re gonna stay out. Maybe we’ll catch a movie or something. You wanna come?” Sam asks when they’re finished dinner. Deep down, Y/N knows she should go. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Is maybe having fun for a few hours with her friends really so bad? But then, she looks over at Bucky. He still isn’t making eye contact, acting like his shoes are the most interesting thing in the world. And the sight makes her heart sink once more.

Turns out increasing Bucky’s heartbreak is the worst thing that could happen.

“No, I’m good. I slept like shit last night, so I’m just gonna go back to my room. You guys have fun, though.”

“Buck? How about you?” Bucky looks up, and his eyes meet hers for a fleeting moment. As his mouth slowly opens, a small twinge of hope registers in Y/N’s stomach. Maybe he’s considering coming back to the hotel with her. Maybe all hope is not lost, and she can explain everything. This could be their rom-com moment, when everything finally works out and-

“Yeah, that sounds good.” And then, all her hope shatters once more. Turning away sadly, Y/N begins the walk back to the hotel, not even waiting for the others to say goodnight. All she can focus on is trying not to cry.

Although, Y/N doesn’t notice how Bucky watches her as she leaves, his eyes lingering even when she disappears from sight.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning, Y/N stands outside Bucky’s door, ready to give things one last chance. “Bucky, can we talk?” she calls, the sound of her knock reverberating throughout the corridor. As she waits for him to open the door, her stomach churns and her heart pounds. She has no idea what to say to Bucky, or if he’ll even tell her he feels the same. When the door opens, she takes a breath of courage. Even if he doesn’t feel the same, the least she can do is tell him the truth.

Yet, all thoughts of that disappear when Bucky emerges, clad in his uniform and carrying his suitcase. The sight causes Y/N’s brows to furrow.

“Sorry, can we walk and talk? I got an urgent call. They need me to take a plane back to New York. My taxi’s almost here.”

“Oh, I didn’t hear anything from control. Did they say anything about needing me? I can go back to my room and be ready in like five minutes.” She asks, following him towards the lobby. Bucky sighs, running his hand through his hair. Y/N feels her stomach twist. She knows what the words will be before Bucky even says them.

“Sorry, it’s just me they need this time. I’ll see you around, okay?” He replies, and she nods furiously, staring at the floor. Because she knows if she makes eye contact with him, then she’ll crumble.

“Sure. Have a safe flight.” She somehow manages to get out, hoping Bucky doesn’t sense the pain in her words, or how she’s already seeing her vision beginning to blur. And with one last wave, Bucky’s gone. As she watches him leave, Y/N sinks into a chair, cuddling into herself. Her mind races with explanations for why Bucky would be called and not her, and she tries her best to ignore them. Although, one stands out. One she never wanted to think about.

The thought that Bucky is intentionally avoiding her, taking another flight so he doesn’t have to see her, the source of his heartbreak. What happens when this flight is over? Will she see him again? What if he keeps avoiding her? As her mind continues to race, her heart pounding, another horrible thought enters her mind. Maybe he never wants to see her again.

A sob escapes her lips then, and Y/N jumps up, speed walking to the elevator. She doesn’t even make it inside before breaking down in tears. Thankfully, it’s empty, meaning she can let out all her feelings before reaching her floor without being noticed. Trying to keep herself upright, Y/N feels her body tremble as it’s wracked with sobs. Once she’s back out, she practically sprints to her room, ignoring everything else around her. All she can think of is Bucky.

Slamming the door behind her, Y/N climbs into her bed, sinking into her mattress. Burying her face into a pillow, she continues to sob. Bucky’s face sticks in her mind, as does the look on his face when he first saw her phone. That sight still causes her heart to ache, even now. And what hurts even more is the fact she can’t do anything to make things better. At least, not now. All she can do is hope that this is just a one off, and that when she next sees Bucky, she can explain it all then.

Unfortunately, as she returns to her regular life, things don’t get much better. After seeing Bucky at least four or five a week, either in passing or on her flights, that number falls. Soon, she starts not seeing him at all. Her texts to him also go unnoticed, and when he does reply, they’re not as cheerful or as frequent as she’s used to. And that means she’s forced to ask others how Bucky’s doing rather than simply asking him. She’s not used to working like this. Being together is what she and Bucky do, what they’re used to. They fly together, as a team. They’ve always been a team. The only times they’ve been on separate flights are few and far between. Bucky is the one constant she has in her job, and she’s grown accustomed to always seeing his face on her flights, and his smile whenever she enters the cockpit. She’s never had to account for this, for being apart from him… especially after what happened.

As more and more weeks go by with no sign of Bucky, the horrible realisation sets in even more. Bucky is avoiding her. He doesn’t want to see her again. And despite how much that thought destroys her, Y/N knows she has to respect his wishes. So she stops trying, not wanting to cause pain to either of them. Or at least… no more than she already caused. Of course, people around her soon start to notice how she’s noticeably more upset, and how she’s clearly lost her spark. Especially Sam, who she explained the situation to after he found her crying in the pilot’s lounge after a flight. At least the silver lining in this situation is getting to see him more than she’s used to.

“I’ll talk to him for you, if you want.” He offers one day as she passes over his food. “I can tell him you want to explain and that he needs to answer his fucking phone.” Y/N shakes her head.

“I’d love that… but no. If he still doesn’t want to talk to or see me even now, almost three months later, then I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to see me, Sam.” Sam raises a brow, and she sighs. “Has he blacklisted all the flights I’m on? Is he intentionally avoiding me?” Sam’s face softens.

“No Y/N, he’s not. Bucky could never and would never intentionally avoid you. He’s just been really busy recently.” She knows he’s lying to make her feel better. Why else would he not speak to her after all this? After she practically broke his heart? As she turns to leave, Sam’s voice sounds again. “He spoke about you the other week, actually.” His words send a jolt through her body, and she gasps.

“He did?” Sam nods.

“Mhm. He asked how you were, and if you were holding up. I think he’s missing you, too.” His words make her heart flutter, and a small smile grows on Y/N’s face. But then, the little voice of doubt speaks once more.

“So why doesn’t he just talk to me, then? I’m fed up with going through this pain, Sam. I just want it to stop!” She exclaims, sniffling.

“I know. I’ll talk to him. I promise.” He gives her hand a reassuring squeeze, and Y/N nods sadly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that week, Y/N stands outside Chicago’s airport, waiting for the taxi to take her to her hotel. Scrolling through her phone, she murmurs to herself, massaging her temples and trying to ignore how much her heels are pinching her toes. That was one of the worst flights she’s ever been on, full of demanding adults, screaming babies and a drunk guy who just wouldn’t stop staring at her tits. Hopefully, this taxi shows up soon, so she can get to her hotel and kick her heels off.

“Hey stranger. Fancy seeing you here.” A familiar voice laughs. Immediately, Y/N’s heart begins to pound. Bucky.

His hair is a little longer than when she last saw him, a few tendrils falling in his face, which he brushes aside. Yet, he’s still got the same smile, the same eyes. He looks just as handsome as he always does.

“Hi. How was your flight?”

“Good. Good.” Bucky nods. “How was yours?”

“Shit.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” Y/N wrestles with what to say to him. How to tell him the truth, that she’s always loved him and that being apart for so long has been horrific. Tell him that being apart from him for so long has been soul destroying. “Which hotel are you staying in?” Bucky asks, cutting through her thoughts.

“Same one as the last time we flew in together.” She doesn’t tell him that moment feels like a lifetime ago, and like they were both different people back then.

“Oh, me too. What a coincidence.” Once again, silence falls amongst the pair. In an instant, she’s transported back to that night in their hotel bar, when they were both unsure of what to say to each other. Now, things are so much more different between them. If only she knew back then just how wrong everything would go.

Thankfully, a taxi soon pulls up. “After you.” Bucky gestures to the door. “I’ll wait for the next one.” Y/N shakes her head.

“No, you take it. I don’t mind waiting.”

“Y/N, it’s freezing. You go.” He insists.

“You know… we’re both going to the same hotel, so it’s probably easier for us to ride together.” She suggests. “...That’s what the driver will say, anyway.” She stammers quickly. Of course, she’d love to ride with Bucky, despite how much her stomach is churning at the thought. All she can do is hope that he’s happy to see her too and that he wants to fix this just as much as she does.

For a while, all the pair do is look out the window, each huddled into their corner of the taxi. Both are unsure of what to say and waiting for the other to make a move. Sometimes, they get close to it - one takes a breath, and the other turns to them, only for them to say “It’s nothing.”

That is, however, until: “Did you get my flowers? I hope you liked them.”

“Yeah. They were gorgeous. Thanks.” Bucky sighs, running a hand through his hair once more.

“Sam told me you were asking about me. He probably told you I missed you. And he’s right, I really do miss you.” Y/N nods, feeling a twinge in her chest. “Flying without you these past few months just isn’t the same. We have a lot of fun together, don’t we?”

“We do. And I missed you too, Bucky. More than you’ll ever know.” As silence falls once more, she can see Bucky looking at her curiously, then glancing down at the floor before she can notice. She can tell what he wants pretty easily. After all, it’s the whole reason they stopped talking. He wants to ask her about her date. Y/N sighs. “Bucky, you don’t have to tiptoe around the question. Just ask me.” He looks up, startled, his cheeks flushing pink.

“I wasn’t, I-” He stammers at first. But then, he sighs once more. “I was just going to ask you how things were with you and… you know, dating.” Y/N takes a deep breath. It’s now or never. “Did you go out with that guy?”

“There never was a date. I didn’t go out with anyone. You got it all wrong.” He frowns, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“But I thought I saw-”

“All you saw was a guy liking my profile. And I turned him down. Actually, I turned them all down. Because they weren’t you, Bucky.” She scoots closer, closing the gap between them both as she looks into his blue eyes. The pair she’s missed for so long. “If you had stayed and listened, I was going to tell you that I love you. I always have. Every time I see you on the flight deck, I get so happy because I love seeing you. Your smile, your laugh… the way you can cheer me up on some of the worst days of my life. But no matter how hard I tried to connect with you, you never seemed to want me back, so I had a quick look at Tinder out of curiosity, which is what you saw. I’m sorry if I messed things up and confused you, but I tried to explain, and instead, you just ignored me for months! Sure, we’re busy in this job, but you couldn’t even send me one fucking text message?!” she demands as all her pain and anger from the past few months is finally released.

“Oh, god.” Bucky groans, holding his head in his hands. Immediately, Y/N’s heart sinks, and she starts hoping for whatever higher power there is to open the ground and swallow her whole. Why did she have to unload on him like that here? And from the way Bucky reacted, only one thought is in her mind.

He doesn’t like her back.

“I’m not asking for you to feel the same. I just want to stop the pain, and feeling like you hate me.” She states. “If you don’t feel the same, just tell me. And then we can go back to being friends… or whatever we are now.” She speaks, her voice quiet. Bucky sighs. Months ago, even before all of this happened, if you had told Y/N that this is where she would be now, pouring out her feelings for Bucky in a fucking taxi, she would’ve thought you were crazy. And yet, here she is.

“I do.” Bucky’s response comes out muffled at first, so quiet that she doesn’t hear it at first.

“I’m sorry?”

“I do like you back, Y/N. Oh fuck, I’m so sorry. You haven’t ruined anything, I have. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. Actually, I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember, but I’ve just been too scared to say anything. Seeing you on my flights makes me so happy, and the last thing I’d want is to lose you if you didn’t feel the same. When I saw that notification, I thought you didn’t feel me back, and I got so upset I wanted to be alone for a while. I didn’t want to intrude on your happiness, either, so I stayed away. Sam told me you were missing me, and I felt awful. I wanted to tell you the truth, but after being away from you for so long, I thought coming back out of nowhere would just make it worse.” He sighs. “I was only thinking about myself, and not how I was only making things worse.” He scoots over too, closing the gap between them both. “I’m so sorry I ruined everything between us. I’d understand if you never want to see me again.”

To his surprise, though, Y/N starts giggling slightly. “I’ve wanted to hear those words from you for as long as I can remember. And you’ve probably felt the same too. God, what are we like? We should’ve just told each other the truth from the beginning and saved ourselves all this mess.” At her words, Bucky starts laughing too.

“Yeah, we should’ve. Actually, Sam said he wanted to bang our heads together at one point.” He admits, and they both laugh. Hearing them both laughing together again causes a familiar, happy warm feeling to return to Y/N’s chest. Her love for Bucky Barnes. “At least now we can try to make things right.” He places his hand on top of hers, gently running one of his fingers along hers. “Can I take you out tonight to say sorry, and to start over?” Smiling, she nods.

“I’d love that.” Bucky brings her hand to his, gently pressing a kiss to it.

“Me too.” He smiles.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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#bucky barnes #navy and roos sleepover #bucky barnes x reader

249 notes · View notes

solomons-finest-rum · 2 years

Note

Saga, congratulations once again on 1K!! 🎉 I know how much you wanted to write something Halloween inspired so I thought perhaps a modern AU where Alfie forgets what the date is. He's home watching tv while everyone is out trick-or-treating. When there's a knock at the door, he's surprised to see his neighbor, a single mum, and her two adorable children in costume. Now he must play along and find them a treat. Bc he's Alfie and has no idea about kids, I imagine he'd give them an odd assortment of items he collected in haste. 🤣 But their mum would find it sort of charming and maybe she invites him and Cyril to walk with them. Just something humorous and fluffy for a quick blurb. I hope it inspires you!

"Trick or Treat" — (Alfie Solomons x OFC)

SUMMARY — Modern!AU. One Halloween evening, three witches come to Alfie's porch for trick-or-treating. Chaos ensues.

AUTHOR’S NOTE — Goodness, how long I made you wait for this one, I'm so sorry my friend! 🙈💕I hope the moodboard I made to accompany this fic and the extended length makes up for it! 💗💗💗💗I really did my best with this I think, or at least beat my temporary writer's block right on the head with it🙈💗💗💗💗

WORD COUNT — 3,599

Masterlist

For one Alfie Solomons, the morning of Halloween began with a haunting.

The doorbell rang at an ungodly early hour and he nearly fell off the bed when he heard it. Knowing full-well he wasn’t expecting anyone, Alfie reasoned quickly that the only possibility could either be a stranger, a neighbour, or the police. Not really sure which one of these was worse, he stomped towards the front door grumpier than ever.

“Yeah, yeah, hold yer fuckin’ horses, treacle, I ain’t decent!” he grumbled when the doorbell sounded again.

Alfie opened the door and immediately closed it as soon as his eyes met with Inspector Campbell’s.

“Good morning, Mr. Solomons!” Chester Campbell exclaimed, entirely all too happily for Alfie’s liking, and he seemed completely undeterred by the treatment.

Which could only mean he had some bad news.

“Nope! Nah! Not doin’ that with ya today, right, so you can go fuck off, mate!” Alfie promptly turned around to locate the closest trousers and check the corridor for anything incriminating while at it.

“Mr. Solomons, we need to talk!” Campbell knocked on the door once more and Alfie grunted when he finally managed to get himself half-way into a half-clean pair of jeans.

“Yeah, we’ve done too much of that lately for my likin’, right, so you can get a warrant!” he shouted right back.

“Is that really necessary?”

“Afraid so, yeah!”

“Mr. Solomons, you’re stalling!”

He absolutely was, yes.

The thing was, Alfie wasn’t exactly surprised that Campbell came to see him—tracked him down, more or less. Alfie’s parole meeting was coming up and the prospect of his earlier charges getting dismissed obviously must have enraged the Inspector enough to come down all the way to Margate.

But then, just as the Inspector raised his hand to knock again, Alfie opened the door once more and squeezed himself right in front of the other man, closing the front door behind him and thus creating the environment he hoped would be increasingly uncomfortable for the cop—at least uncomfortable enough to get him down from his high horse and off the porch.

“Right, there we are then, treacle, nice an’ cosy, just as we like, right? What can I do for ya?” Alfie sneered.

“Mr. Solomons, is that really necessary?” Campbell asked, in a tone that let Alfie know just how exasperated he was with the nonsense.

“Aye, forgot to clean the place, right, ‘s a bloody pigsty it is,” Alfie’s sneer only grew. “If you’d give me a head’s up there—”

“Very well,” Campbell grumbled and looked around to see if any passers-by would witness what he was about to do next.

Unfortunately for Alfie, his house, while comfortably close to the sea, was also the most remotely placed.

Which was why the Inspector could lean in and whisper maliciously:

“Now, I know what you’ve been up to, Mr. Solomons, and I also know that you know how close I am to implicating the Shelbys along with it. So you can consider your parole hearing… How should I put it? Utterly redundant.”

After that delightful little message, Campbell straightened his back and exclaimed, unnecessarily loudly:

“Good day, Mr. Solomons!”

So you could say all of that left Alfie a little enraged. Distracted, even. Truth be told, he completely lost track of time, which angered him even more—that he let Campbell get to him like that.

Nonetheless, Alfie’s foul mood resulted in him frantically going between calling his lawyer, switching from threatening and pleading, and then smoking the cigarettes he swore he wouldn’t touch again.

Somehow, the entire afternoon passed him by and when Alfie finally calmed down enough to sit down and watch a movie, the doorbell rang again.

“Alright, that’s it!” he roared, certain that this time Campbell had somehow managed to make up a reason and come back to arrest him.

Drug charges, you see, were something of a slippery thing; at least when it came to Alfie Solomons. It was a mutual thorn in his and Campbell’s respective sides. Difficult to prove his involvement in, at least that’s what Alfie’s lawyer claimed on the last trial.

Criminal activity, on the other hand… Well, that one had been well-proven and Alfie went down for it for four long years. Would have gotten more, had it not been for Tommy Shelby’s fancy lawyer and a favour that Alfie was still trying to forget ever happened.

But now he had a pretty good chance of these drug charges going away forever—a new thorn in the Inspector’s side, to be sure. Which was why you could say Alfie was a little on edge even without the taunting and the surprise visits.

“I’ll have ya fuckin’ arrested, ya limpin’ old cunt!” were the exact words Alfie shouted as soon as he opened the door, the recipients of his threats being two little girls in witch costumes and their chaperone—a pretty brunette, also in a matching witch costume.

Which was when Alfie’s tired brain connected the dots. Children. Trick-or-treating. Halloween.

“Yeah, fuck, I’m… I’m so sorry, listen,” he muttered, rubbing his hand across his face and trying to at least make up a good reason for the outburst.

He had none.

“No!” the woman exclaimed, though she wasn’t angry; embarrassed, maybe. But surprisingly not angry. “We’re… sorry. We’re gonna go. Come on, girls.” She put her arms around the girls protectively, though Alfie doubted the little shits needed any.

They looked up at him with two identical grins, both no doubt thoroughly amused at his swearing.

“Wait, no, wait… Fuck’s sake, that’s… I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else, yeah, I’ve been through some rough patch lately, you could say, that’s…” As he rambled, Alfie retreated inside the house only to emerge with a random assembly of things that in no way could ever be considered suitable for Halloween treats.

Therefore, in both girls' baskets landed, in that order, two decorative Granny Smith apples made of recycled glass, a pack of watch batteries, Marlboro lights (slightly opened), and a small bag of dog treats.

All three uninvited guests were looking at him now like one would at an utter lunatic, though the youngest of the three was simultaneously completely taken by the strangeness of the man before her.

“Thank you… so much,” the woman stuttered then, unable to say anything else. “Girls, please thank the nice man,” she added unconvincingly.

Both girls exclaimed excited “thank you’s”, obviously having been treated enough for one evening—both by the ensemble of creative swear words and the cigarettes they would no doubt trade for something awesome at school.

“Yeah, listen, I am sorry,” Alfie said once more, feeling uncharacteristically self-conscious. “No local kids come ‘ere for Halloween, alright, and there’s a good reason for it, I suppose…”

“Yeah, and what’s that?” one of the girls, the smaller, immediately wanted to know.

The older was still eyeing the dog treats, but as she saw no dog, she tried to look into the weird man’s house. She expected it to be even weirder on the inside.

“Lydia, that’s enough,” the woman chastised the curious one, rubbing her own cheek in a nervous tick and smearing the dark painted freckles. “Thank you—”

“Aye, ‘cause it’s haunted, innit?” Alfie chose to entertain the question, and entirely seriously, too.

As soon as he said it, the younger girl gasped and grabbed the older one by the hand.

“Yeah, right,” the older one said, suddenly defiant enough to disobey her… mother? Was it their mother? Alfie wondered…

In any case, the older girl entirely ignored the silent plea the woman had given her and instead, she stepped a little closer towards Alfie.

“Who’s the ghost?” the older girl asked, in that sort of demanding tone only children on the verge of becoming teenagers could muster.

“I am,” Alfie murmured in a raspy voice, again completely serious.

The girl took a step back and the younger one shrieked. The unexpected noise managed to finally wake up Alfie’s otherwise retired Bullmastiff, and as the giant hound tilted his massive head back and howled for no reason at all, all three unexpected visitors shrieked together.

All of them at once fled Alfie’s porch, their final goodbye being the man’s raspy laughter that followed them all the way down to the beach.

The devil came to Margate. Alfie was pretty much convinced that was how everyone else referred to his recent arrival to the coast. Actually, to be clear, the devil never really left. He just rented out his property, in which he now so shamelessly hid from the rest of the world.

No, not his house, that one was always cluttered and too personal for renting. You see, Alfie had many properties scattered around London and the coast—which was why he supposed the tax people had so much trouble tracking down his actual income.

One of those properties was a cosy shop just on the corner behind the main street. Alfie rented it to a tiny old lady who turned it into a used bookstore—nothing less in demand in Margate, to be sure.

Profits were minimal, but Alfie was prepared to forgive the rent from time to time for two reasons—he loved hanging around the place, and also his tennant was positively vicious.

Alfie was positively enamoured with the evil old thing. He often remarked they would have been married in another life (at which he either received a scowl or a slap across the head).

(She really reminded him of his grandmother sometimes.)

Mrs. O’Brien was Irish in the strictest sense of the word. She despised the English and everything about them, as she often remarked to Alfie. She often let him know, too, that his only redeeming quality was him being Jewish, at which he only laughed because he really didn’t know what to say to that.

(The strong association with his evil bat of a grandmother continued.)

To be perfectly honest, he often said to her to go the fuck back upstairs if she so hated Margate, but then she always dropped the subject (or a book or a cup or whatever else she might have been holding while losing the argument). Sometimes Alfie liked to think she was a wanted woman in Ireland, which really would explain so much about her.

Mrs. O’Brien, he strongly suspected, was either widowed by choice or never married at all. The choice in the matter could have clearly been murder, as one time while going through the mess at the backroom and searching for the invoices past due, Alfie found a gun in one of the drawers. It was an old one, a Beretta Laramie as he later learned through Google. The name, while rather romantic, made Alfie think his unusual friendship with the woman might not have been as odd as he used to think.

Safe to say, Mrs. O’Brien was no sitting duck. The next time Alfie looked through the drawer, the gun had been removed.

That particularly rainy October afternoon, Alfie came to the bookstore with a clear goal to bother Mrs. O’Brien. He told himself it was to collect rent, but truth be told, he needed a distraction. After that lousy Halloween evening, his thoughts were still riddled with annoyance at strange children and nosy inspectors.

“Aight, luv, how ya doin’ you beautiful thing?!” Alfie hollered as soon as he came through the door, knowing full-well that the cure for his annoyance was usually to annoy someone back.

As expected, Mrs. O’Brien scowled at him from behind the counter, where she sat on the high chair and read Chaucer. Intimidating as she was through her choice of words, the old witch was only five feet tall.

“What do ya want?” she barked, begrudgingly accepting Alfie leaning in and kissing her cheek.

“Got somethin’ for my favourite gal, don’t I?” he replied and produced a small box from the bakery across the street.

He would have been a fool to have come empty-handed.

Mrs. O’Brien put down her book and pretended to still hate him, but as she inspected the contents of the box, her eyes shined.

“Well then,” she agreed begrudgingly at her own landlord’s presence in his own establishment before she bit down on the French lemon tartlet.

Continuing not being a fool, Alfie got her the one with caramelised sugar on top.

With the dragon subdued for a good minute, Alfie went around the shop and got lost in the old books. With his tennant’s general unfriendliness and the particularly dark ambience, the bookstore was pretty much always quiet. That’s what Alfie was counting on, but like always, life decided to serve him with a big, fat disappointment.

The bell above the door rang and both Alfie and Mrs. O’Brien looked towards it with equal measures of surprise. In from the rain came two girls, both wearing identical yellow macs that dripped water everywhere they stepped.

“Oi!” Mrs. O’Brien put down the cake and wiped her mouth, all in one swift motion to race to the door and stop the children from doing any further damage to the layer of dust in the bookstore; so carefully accumulated over the years.

“Where ya both t’ink yer headin’?!” she shouted. “Now! Look at dat! That’s water everywhere!

Alfie still stood by the tallest bookcase and held a book opened before him, pretending to read and not spy on the situation.

“Excuse us,” the taller of the girls said and took off her hood. “Our aunt is just across the street. She told us to wait inside if we could.”

“Yes,” the smaller one interjected. “In case there are any perverts out.”

“That’s not what she said!” the older chastised her sister in a hushed voice.

“Oh, look!” The smaller one ignored her completely and pointed to Alfie, who immediately closed the book and tried to dive into the dark passageway in between the bookshelves.

Another conversation with the little shits was the last thing he wanted.

“He’s here!” the girl announced for the world to see. “I told you he’s not a ghost.”

“No, I told you that,” the older one sighed.

To Alfie’s dismay, Mrs. O’Brien said nothing to that, for as much as she was an unfriendly old thing, she also never passed on the opportunity to be a nuisance to him.

“Maggie, can we stay? I’m cold,” the younger girl complained.

“Oh, fine!” Mrs. O’Brien then exclaimed, as if the decision was hers to make anyway. “Just don’t you two touch anythin’! These books are very old, ya know.”

“How old?” the younger one wanted to know.

“Very. Now, ya can hang the coats ‘ere, just don’t make a mess of it.”

Alfie heard the girls do as they were asked and he observed from behind the bookshelves as they walked around, both equally curious about the strange place they found themselves in. And strange it was indeed, starting from the old ceiling lamps that gave very little light altogether, finishing on the stuffed vulture placed on the bookshelf right behind the cash register counter.

The vulture, Alfie often thought, must have been a relative of his tennant’s, as both in their nature brightened up only at the perspective of a meal.

When he finally emerged from behind the shelves, both girls were still looking around with eyes wide open. Nothing in the shop, however, seemed more fascinating than the strange man they met last night.

“We’ve decided to stay,” the younger girl informed him.

“Hm,” Alfie hummed and scratched his beard. “Right, I can see that.”

“You’re not a pervert, are you?” she asked.

“Afraid not, no,” he smirked.

“Lydia!” The older girl smacked her on the shoulder.

“Ow!” Lydia, undeterred, smacked her sister right back. “What?!”

“Stop saying ‘pervert’ to people!”

Alfie cleared his throat then and both girls looked at him, now a little less sure of themselves. Mrs. O’Brien ignored them all and continued to munch on her tartlet.

“So,” Alfie said then to break up their quarrel, “Maggie,” he pointed to the older one who nodded, “and Lydia.” The smaller one nodded as well. “Right, well, I’m Alfie. This here is my shop. You two can stay as long as you like, ‘cause the way I figure I probably owe ya for last night.”

The girls looked at him with suspicion and Alfie returned the sentiment, for personally he had no idea how to manage small children.

“Right, you want some coffee?” he asked Maggie.

“I’m twelve,” she huffed.

“Sure, yeah,” Alfie hummed, then turned to Lydia with raised eyebrows. She nodded eagerly at the offer, obviously excited to be included in something adult.

“Jesus Christ,” Maggie sighed, “she’s seven! You can’t give her coffee.”

“Yeah, why not?”

“‘Cause she won’t grow!”

Alfie squinted at her and finally shrugged, accepting that as fact.

“Suit yourselves.”

But before he could go to the back to put the kettle on, the bell above the door sounded again. In came the woman from last night and Alfie froze a little, suddenly not so sure what to do with himself.

“Good lord, we haven’t ‘ad a crowd like that since the whale!” Mrs. O’Brien exclaimed and rushed to help the woman with her grocery bag—not because she especially cared, but because her red mac spread rainwater everywhere much like the girls’ had before.

“What whale?” Lydia immediately wanted to know.

“Oh,” her aunt noticed Alfie then and he caught her attention immediately. “It’s you.”

Alfie cleared his throat, unable to settle on the response.

“What whale!” Lydia exclaimed and Mrs. O’Brien shot her a disapproving look.

“Well, all right little missy! Calm down,” she said. “In 1973, a whale washed ashore. It was quite the event, I’ll have ya know.”

“You weren’t even here in 1973,” Alfie scoffed.

“Aye, an’ ya weren’t even a twinkle in yer father’s eye, so what? I know things!” Mrs. O’Brien waved her hand dismissively and the girls giggled.

“Well, I…” the woman looked around, appropriately confused by this all. “I’m so sorry if we have disturbed you—”

“It’s his bookstore,” Maggie informed her sharply and pointed at Alfie. “He said we could wait out the rain.”

“Aye, then ye’d be waitin’ all night, it’s always like this in October,” Mrs. O’Brien complained and earned herself a sharp look from Alfie, one which she thoroughly ignored.

“I was just about to make coffee,” Alfie pointed to the back room.

“No, we don’t want to impose,” the woman replied, but when she turned around, the girls were already gone—hiding behind the tall bookshelves and giggling about something.

“Seems you ain’t got a choice,” Alfie smirked.

“If they’re bothering you…”

“Naah, that’s no bother. Now come on, I was a proper arse last night, right, the least I owe ya is a cup of coffee.”

The woman nodded and hung her coat, visibly relieved she didn’t have to go out into the cold October rainstorm just yet.

Since that was settled, Alfie went to make the coffees.

“Sooner or later ya gonna have to tell me what the hell happened last night, eh?” Mrs. O’Brien muttered to Alfie as he put the kettle on.

“Hmm.”

“Dontcha ‘hmm’ at me lad, I’m old enough to be yer grandmother!”

“Naah, don’t say that now, my grandmother was a lovely woman.”

Mrs. O’Brien scoffed and busied herself with finding some clean cups.

“Nothin’ happened, right,” Alfie grumbled, “just a misunderstanding.”

“Aye, that misunderstanding seems to like the looks of ya.”

Alfie looked behind his shoulder and his eyes met the aunt’s. It seemed like she was watching him from afar and now she turned around abruptly, cheeks slightly pink with embarrassment.

“Shut up.” Alfie turned around too and Mrs. O’Brien cackled like an old bog witch.

Alfie finally approached the aunt with two cups in his hands, leaving his insufferable tennant to figure out her own drink. But the suggestion she made stayed at the back of his head, now clouding his judgement entirely.

Five seconds ago he couldn’t care less about the woman and now all he could notice was how her hair curled from the rain and how good she looked browsing these musty old books, mouthing the titles from their spines.

“Oh! Thank you,” she smiled at him brightly when Alfie handed her the cup.

“Yeah, I didn’t know how ya like it…”

“Black.”

“Well, that’s good then, ‘cause we don’t have milk anyway.”

She laughed and, despite his better judgement, Alfie felt a little proud.

“If ya like bad coffee an’ half-decent books, you should come more often!” Mrs. O’Brien then shouted from behind the cash register, at which Alfie turned around to glare at her.

The girls’ aunt laughed again, still a little nervous. Alfie turned to her, suddenly emboldened by the rain and by the girls happily running around the shop, making the place more alive than it had been for years.

“Yeah, but I think so too,” he said, voice lower so that Mrs. O’Brien couldn’t overhear—not for the lack of trying on her part, to be sure.

“What?” the aunt asked, a little incredulous.

“You should come by more often,” he explained.

Either there was something in that coffee or he was going crazy, but he could swear her eyes sparkled.

“Is that so?” she asked, now obviously teasing him a little.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t mind the noise?”

“Nah.”

“We could come by tomorrow, I suppose,” she mused.

“Come,” he assured her. “As often as you’d like.”

#alfie solomons imagine #alfie solomons fanfic #alfie solomons x reader #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders fic #alfie solomons fanfiction #peaky blinders reader #peaky blinders x reader #tom hardy fanfiction #tom hardy x reader #tom hardy imagine

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stars-and-birds · 1 year

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if chrissy survived headcanons!

@misfittq @el-fandom-birb

(disclaimer these are headcanons not what i think would’ve happened)

okay so i spent like an hour last night doodling ideas so… here it goes

(this is kinda long so hcs under cut)

she was basically saved from vecna by chance. when she go to eddie’s trailer, he turned on the radio and her fav song played during her vecna-ing. her arm is still broken tho. (it’s broken for the whole season)

eddie, since it’s essential to his arc, still runs away from the trailer after that

jason notices her broken arm and asks her what happened. she doesn’t tell him but he finds out she went to eddie’s trailer and assumes it was him

things get worse when jasons’s friend dies by vecna alone (in the place of chrissy, basically) and eddie is nowhere to be found. jason continues to assume it’s eddie and his whole arc is sparked by that

chirsys tries to get him to stop but he doesn’t believe her when she says it wasn’t eddie

chrissy finds dustin and asks him if he knows where eddie is (she saw them hanging out or smth, idk)

they find eddie together and she convinces him to listen to everyone

she ends up staying with eddie in the shed and we don’t see her till she and eddie are escaping

she and eddie have some scenes together, nothing romantic

when jason finds eddie, chrissys in the boat with him. jason brought someone else with him to confront eddie, and they end up dying (it’s a pretty weak plot point, i know, but it’s all i could come up with)

chrissy and eddie steal a walkie talkie to talk to everyone else and they hide out at the rock

they have a small sweet moment where eddie asks what she saw in vecnas visions and she ends up admitting she’s a lesbian and vecna was also sending her haunting dreams about that. yes that is my headcanon and it is my au so shush.

eddie is ofc very supportive <3

she jumps into the upside down with the older kids, after robin before eddie

after going into the upside down, during the fight with the monsters, a demobat grabs her hair and someone with an oar beats it to death. but now there’s a dead animal tangled in her hair so she ends up chopping some of it off with a knife found in the upside down wheelers. (short haired chrissy is one of my favorite headcanons leave me alone)

when they get back to the regular world eddie gives her a proper haircut before the final battle

reminder that her arms still in a cast btw

to resolve her jason arc she ends up confronting him before he can reach lucas or erica and knocks him out. that way that arc is fulfilled and the two black characters don’t get beat up by the white bully <3

jason still dies

at the end of the season, she’s seen comforting dustin after his talk with wayne. they have a nice little hug and cry :(

bc it’s still my au it’s chrissy not vickie making peanut butter sandwiches with robin. buckingham canon(and maybe even buckinghamler/chronance…)

aaaaand that’s it i have some sketches if anyone wants to see

#chrissy cunningham #stranger things #esmes headcanons #buckingham #chronance #stranger things 4 #chrissy tag

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clanwarrior-tumbly · 2 years

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Dadplier having his kid y/n read to him when they hear him have a nightmare, cause they know stories can help distract you from scary things, at least that's what he taught them when they were younger. He'd probably hold them close after they finish reading cause he just wants the company and cuddles of his baby, I mean they're his little star and the only person he has left.

Okay this is so cute im crying and im gonna make this a fic bc AUGH you got me soft for the one (1) ego we see at the beginning. [Y/n] will be a teenager in this case

.......

Usually, you weren't one to sneak out in the middle of the night, but you just had to this one time.

Your friends got tickets for a horror movie about space that was playing late, starting just an hour after your dad goes to bed. You loved all things space-related so obviously you couldn't miss it. You'd feel bad if you did.

So you did what most teenagers would do: join their friends.

You saw the movie and managed to get back home in one piece around 2AM.

Now your final task was getting into pajamas and hoping your dad wouldn't notice.

Not that you were afraid he'd get mad. Oh no. He never got upset with you, even when things in the family got...difficult, and it ended with only you two left in the house.

You’d just feel really guilty if you accidentally woke him up.

As you quietly snuck past his room, you tensed as you heard him mumbling something, pausing as you realized it was your name

‘Damn it....maybe he’s just dreaming-?’

“No..[y/n]..I-I’m sorry. I can be better! I promise! I can be...!! No..don’t leave me..please...[Y/N]!!!”

You jumped a bit as you heard him scream, before it all went silent. ‘Or having a nightmare..’ You concluded, keeping your ear to the door for a brief moment.

That’s when you heard..a sob?

Part of you wanted to quickly go change and come back, yet you wanted to immediately comfort your dad--just like he’s done all those years ago for you when you had nightmares. No matter how late into the night, he was always there for you when you needed him most.

Why shouldn’t you return the favor? You’ll risk getting caught, but eh..you’ll take your chances.

“Dad?” Gently knocking on the door, you pushed it open and saw him sitting up in bed, a hand over his mouth as he took shaky breaths, trying to calm himself down. “You had a nightmare?”

Stan looked up, relieved to see you--his child, his star--in the doorway, perfectly okay. He sniffled and nodded, barely able to form words as anything he attempted to say would get him so choked up.

“You need anything? Maybe uh..a story to distract you?”

Seeing him nod a second time, you went over to the bookshelf in his room, turning on the lamplight. You sifted through the various novels, finding a scary one about an old pizzeria with haunted robots, and another lighthearted one about an animatronic bear befriending a lonely boy.

You chose the latter, climbing onto the bed and joining your father’s side as you showed him the cover. “I think this one about an unlikely friendship will help.”

He smiled in agreement, putting an arm around you. You opened the book and started reading, doing your best impressions of the robot bear and the kid.

“...and as they sat atop the hill and watched the sunrise, they smiled. They didn’t know what would come next, but they knew one thing: They both survived the night at Freddy’s.” You closed the book, looking to Stan and seeing the tears in his eyes. “Did..I do okay?”

“Y-You did..amazing, kiddo. Thank you.” He hugged you closely. “I..hardly remember what I even dreamed about. You sure are taking after your old man.”

“Yeah.” You lightly chuckled. “I mean, you always taught me that stories were the best distractions. Will you..be okay going back to sleep now?”

For a moment he was quiet, still keeping you in his hold. You put the book on the nightstand and sighed. Oh, how the roles have reversed. “You want me to stay?”

Again, he nodded. “S-Sorry, I know you’re not used to seeing me like this, but...y-you’re a good kid, [y/n]. You’ve always been so good and...I want you to remember that.” A few tears slipped from his eyes, but he was quick to wipe them away. “Look at me, being so weepy over a silly dream..”

“It’s okay, dad.” You hugged him. “I promise I’ll always be here for you. I won’t leave.”

He was touched by your words, his heart melting as all fears regarding his nightmare had left. Of course he knew they weren’t real, but it’s good hearing you reassure him you didn’t hate him.

You’re all he has left, and he wants to treasure you as long as he can.

“Thank you, my little star.”

#clanask #anonymous #iswm 2 x reader #in space with markiplier x reader #dadiplier #teen reader #hurt/comfort

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chuuyrr · 2 years

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SAW UR REQUESTS OPENED AND I DIDNT WALK, I RAN. Speedran through your rules making sure I wouldn't break any of them :D BUT THIS IS MY FIRST TIME REQUESTING SO PLEASE BARE WITH ME :,) ; scarlet witch! gojo! reader version 2 (gojo’s biological daughter) + she wakes him up in the middle of the night bc shes absolutely TERRIFIED. Like everytime she kept trying to fall asleep but she kept getting a nightmare :( at first she didn't wanna wake him, but shes just so tensed and scared she cant help it

scarlet witch! gojo! reader gets nightmares

jujutsu kaisen x reader

masterlist of the series

╰➤ CW(s): possible spoilers of jujutsu kaisen, mentions of nightmares, major themes of fluff, dad! gojo comforting daughter! reader

╰➤ PAIRING(s): dad! gojo satoru x daughter! reader

hello, thank you so much for requesting for being patient! and no worries :D hehe enjoy reading, dear anon! sorry if it's quite short ><

it was dead of the night.

it was supposed to be quiet and peaceful, with you tucked comfortably in bed by a thick blanket and surrounded by the plushies you'd loved and had since you were a child, but your mind refused to leave you alone. time you closed your eyes, horrors would spike from your imagination.

it was absolutely mortifying, and the feeling of dread and anxiety was right under your skin. you heard voices whispering, tormenting you from the dark.

was it sleep paralysis? you weren't sure. it felt like something was keeping you still and immobilizing your movement, keeping you pinned down, and that was just it—you couldn't sense any danger because if there was, your chaos magic would have done its thing.

you sat up, pulling yourself together after regaining the ability to move your limbs. although you were wide awake, it still felt like you were still in your nightmare. you could still hear the voices. you shook your head, burying your face into your hands.

"i can't control their own fears, only my own. i can't control their own fears. only my own." you uttered repeatedly as if you were saying an incantation.

sadly, affirmations didn't work.

the nightmares still haunted you.

you can't do this. you were so tired.

you could feel your body tremble as you got up and sauntered towards the door. your knees weakly buckled from time to time as you limped outside your bedroom. your breath was ragged. it was as if something was thinning the air in the atmosphere.

after stumbling and walking for what seemed hours down the dark corridor, you had finally made it to gojo satoru's bedroom, your father's bedroom.

you didn't even bother to knock beforehand. you immediately grasped the doorknob, twisting it open and letting yourself go from desperation.

you stood there for a moment, debating whether to wake gojo up or not. your dad has been so busy lately, this was the only time had gotten some good sleep after a long while of missions and work. it made you feel guilty and ashamed even, but you really couldn't put your mind at ease. you really needed gojo.

as tears blurred your vision, your trembling hands reached for his sleeping figure, who was draped in a blanket.

"d-dad, please wake up." you weakly mustered out, unable to hold back a sob. "dad, please."

ever so perceptive even in his sleep, it didn't take long for the limitless sorcerer to rise from his slumber. he took off the sleeping mask adorning his eyes to get a better look at you. his heart clenched at the sight of you, his daughter, trembling with tear blotches all over your face. your hair was a complete disheveled mess.

as soon as he sat up and took a hold of your wrist, his eyes widened at how cold and tense you were. "kikufuku, what's wrong? hey, now."

as you broke down into a sob, you found yourself burying your head in the crook of his neck as you fell on his bed. gojo instantly engulfed you in his arms, parternal instincts kicking in. you clung onto him, tightly grasping the fabric of his sleepwear as if your life depended on him at this moment.

"hey, hey. it's okay, it's okay."

all gojo could do right now was rub your back as a form of comfort. you continued sobbing and trembling in his arms. you couldn't even find the strength to look at him or speak up anymore.

"i'm right here." he whispered softly. "i got you."

he did his best to ground you by guiding your breathing, rubbing shapes on your back and whispering comforting words. eventually, you calmed down, but you were still tense. your hands were still tingling and shaking.

that was how horrible the nightmares were.

it felt so real.

it worried him.

he failed to protect your mom before, and the fact that you and he lost her while you were a toddler was hard. it was always your mom who knew what to do, especially when you cried or had tantrums. gojo wanted nothing more than to protect you and give you the same comfort and embrace that she would give you.

once you had calmed down as your sobs reduced into quiet sniffles and you were able to feel your hands again, gojo gently pulled you away to comb your disheveled hair. god did it break his heart to see you, his precious little kikufuku, in such a state.

"i'm sorry for waking you up. i'm sorry for not being able to deal with my stupid nightmares." you mustered out in between your sobs.

"no, no, kikufuku. you don't need to apologize." he shook his head at you, "it's not stupid."

"it is because it's not even real and yet here i am." you hiccuped.

"kikufuku, your feelings are valid. it's okay to be scared; to feel this vulnerable." gojo wiped away the tears rolling down your face. "and you can never ever bother me. you can always tell me anything too, i'm right here."

you shook your head, hiccuping. "i don't really wanna talk about it."

"it's okay, you don't have to tell me anything." gojo nodded in understanding. "i'll stay up right here with you. nothing's ever going to hurt you."

"promise, dad?" you muttered.

gojo pecked the top of your head and laid your head back against his chest. "i promise, kikufuku."

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snowangeldotmp3 · 1 year

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please talk a bit more about the ghost in ur room she sound lovely whats her deal what the lore there

dude im SO glad you asked.

okay so for the record i have always seen Weird shit go down. knocking on walls at random hours of the night. books flying across the room. christmas lights twinkling when 1.) they aren't plugged up 2.) nobody else is in the room.

SO one day i'm joking around and i said something like 'well. room's haunted. naming the ghost frederick' bc frederick is a very good name ya know? anyway, i call this ghost fredrick for a while, and jokingly become pals with it. one time, i swear to god, i asked fredrick to turn the christmas lights on and BOOM. lights on. we became pals. so i call this ghost fredrick for the better half of a year, maybe two, until one night, i have the Strangest dream.

i am no stranger to weird dreams. for me it's either weird ass dream, or nightmare, so it's betteer to get the former rather than the latter. EXCEPT it's in my house. and i walk down my hallway and in the hallway there stands this woman just. floating. dressed in all white with like a high neck/gibson style blouse, long dark hair, and eyeballs that were really just pits, she didn't have much of an eye color. and i walk past her (through her?) and go "oh. hey." and all she says is, "my name is sophia." and then i woke up.

so i test it out by just like, going into other rooms of my house and seeing if anything happens in there (it doesn't) and just by calling ehr sophia instead of frederick. i ask her to please stop knocking my books off. and she does. recently she moved an old perfume bottle across my dresser and that scared the shit out of me BUT that's basically it. sophia and i are buddies and she also says trans rights <3

#got mail! 📩#fishwear #sophia says hi btw #i don't actually know When she's most active sometimes i really am just talking to nothing in my room but i like to think she can hear me.#i always know that i'm dreaming too so i just saw it as a sign of like. Oh. She's not joking around on this one #it's not that spooky she really is just a gal. we're roomies.

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lambsearandlavender · 2 years

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Epilepsy/seizure whump ideas idk??

I really like whump/sickfic & comfort fics and, as a person being diagnosed with epilepsy, there's not nearly enough good seizure whump/comfort fics. And what is out there is usually grand mal seizures which, don't get me wrong, I get that they're the big dramatic ones and stuff but there is so much more to seizures or epilepsy that's been unexplored here. So I want to like... share some of my personal experiences in the hope of spreading awareness and also seeing more fics in which I can imagine my comfort characters taking care of me in situations I actually deal with irl 😅

Biting teeth together in sleep so hard that they chip; slowly having one front tooth get a series of small chips along the bottom and needing to cope with the dip in self image. Not wanting to smile with your mouth open anymore. Being afraid of chipping your teeth more in your sleep

Biting tongue and cheeks in sleep so hard that they bleed. Waking up with blood in your mouth, all over your face, on your sheets and pillows

For 3 years I had seizures in my sleep but didn't KNOW that was what was happening. What I knew was that I periodically woke up with stroke-like symptoms: dizzy, slurred speech, everything felt like I had to push through an incredibly thick fog in my brain to do it, difficulty thinking at all, difficulty forming sentences, falling over, balance issues, crashing into things. Trying to pick something up and my hand would swing out wildly and knock the thing over instead. Working so hard to pick it up and then my muscles just giving out so I drop it anyway. Walking like I was drunk. Doing everything really really slowly because it was so hard to think, move, or speak at all. Being too weak to lift anything. This lasts 15 minutes to several hours/all day. I often have to sleep it off. Recovering from a seizure is no fucking joke and when you can't remember the seizure, you just wake up like that and it's scary and confusing

Waking up feeling like the world is spinning in circles, rolling like a ship at sea, and shaking violently all at once, and my eyes are also moving uncontrollably (nystagmus is the medical term) so it LOOKS like I'm in an earthquake yet I know that the world isn't moving and it's something wrong with me. Curling into a ball squeezing my eyes shut, waiting 2-3 minutes for it to stop. This will happen several times in one night. These are partial seizures, which you are conscious and aware during.

The general concept of aware seizures where you know full well what's happening but you're not piloting your body and all you can do is wait

Twitching or going rigid in your sleep as you seize, possibly waking your partner. Or knowing you had a seizure and they slept through it; both happen lol

Constantly waking up in the middle of the night dizzy and brain foggy, realizing you've probably had a seizure, going back to sleep hoping you'll be able to function by morning

Some seizures have no warning and others are preceded by an aura. Auras can have tons of symptoms including but not limited to nausea, dizziness, hallucinations of all senses (so not just seeing things, but also hearing/smelling/feeling things), a sense of impending doom out of nowhere, and strong sense of deja vu

Having an aura and being on edge waiting for the seizure to happen. But sometimes it doesn't and the aura IS the seizure bc they are actually like a, idk, smaller but longer lasting pre-seizure seizure. Idk what to tell ya that's how it is

Some folks think they're psychic or haunted or just plain going crazy due to the deja vu and hallucinations until they know it's seizure related

Speaking of, legitimately being told that you're possessed by demons and need to repent at least once a month by some random stranger

Days that you recovered mostly from a seizure but your brain just isn't all there. Forgetting entire important conversations from the day before, or just needing a lot more time to think through and comprehend something that's normally easy for you

Seeing the mix of concern, annoyance and frustration, and just plain making fun of your memory loss from the people around you

Waking up frozen in a weird position mid seizure, or waking up with one body part having its own lil dance party while you seize and otherwise can't move

The Epileptic Scream where you make a weird fucking scream or moan as your lungs seize and force all the air out all at once. I hear this is a pretty scary sound to the people who live with us, I've heard myself do it a few times and it is a pretty strange sound plus it gets tied up with the trauma of your loved one seizing

Having a new weird thing happen and not even knowing if it might be a seizure or not

Being told you can't do things bc you might seize....drive, swim, etc...being told you should have someone monitor you even in the shower and stuff just in case so a loss of privacy and independence until your seizures are "under control"

You know what can trigger seizures? STRESS. Also lack of sleep. Go crazy with that.

You know what stresses me out? Seizures. Which are triggered by stress. And you know what happens when I'm really stressed and anxious? I can't sleep. Some nights I'm so sure I'll have a seizure that I'm AFRAID to go to sleep. Except, the not sleeping also makes me have a seizure. And I know it. So I'm stressed about it...........

Having a really stressful day and just KNOWING a seizure is gonna happen because of it and preparing yourself for it as best you can

Days my face just can't stop twitching really severely. Well, just my mouth and lips. All day. It's embarrassing. Trying to drink something and your lips start going really extra twitchy and everything dribbles out. Fuckin sucks. Are they seizures? Auras? We don't know 🤷‍♀️

"I don't know" just comes with the territory

Miss a dose of your seizure meds? Instant seizure.

Seizure meds often cause severe mood swings (of the angry or depressed variety), serious weight gain or loss, things like hair falling out... but hey if your seizures are controlled maybe you can drive and swim and stuff and also the not having seizures part of course. So it's worth it I guess? But if you have mental health issues already lol good luck

Canceling plans because you're really tired and you know going out already tired will just lead to a seizure

How do they diagnose you? They hook you up to a bunch of electrodes and then try to trigger you to have a seizure on purpose

Just, hitting your head if you fall during a seizure is such a massive issue

SUDEP...sudden unexpected death in epileptic persons. Yeah, sometimes people with epilepsy just randomly die in their sleep (presumably while seizing). If your seizures are uncontrolled (not medicated to no/few seizures), you're at much higher risk

Take a guess how this affects my anxiety about sleeping while I'm still unmedicated

Also every person in my life acts like either my life is over and so tragic (huge overreaction) or like absolutely nothing has changed and have no empathy for it at all (my life isn't over but it is changing a lot and this stuff is scary, so can I get a LITTLE sympathy, please?)

I'm super duper not an expert on epilepsy, just a gal who did a lot of research and talking to other epileptics and taking notes about my own experience... but I'm really happy to chat about it or answer more questions (or if I'm wrong about something/someone knows more than me, I'm really wanting to learn so please feel free to correct me!)

#whump prompt #sickfic #comfort fic #whump #whump scenario #idk how to tag this sorry

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yikesharringrove · 2 years

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Okay fuckers episode 5.

The sound design of this season is the best of all the seasons. They’ve taken some cues from the soundtrack of horror movies and I think they’ve created a soundscape that’s super intriguing.

Stranger things has a habit of going for body horror and gore and just. Not hitting the mark. They don’t make it gross enough or they don’t really take the time to show the damage. Like the kid that gets vecna’d over the water, they don’t relish those scenes of his body being fucked is when they should. I want these people to be having videodrome or re-animator level fucked up deaths.

(Merlin and I spent hours last night talking abt this and we were both saying season 3 would’ve been totally improved by upping the disgust factor in the meat monster by having it LOOK like it was made of body parts. Like if there were recognizable limbs and shit or if the characters made comments on the rotten horrifying smell of it. Think Tusk)

I also am just sick of cgi. What makes old school horror movies so scary and revolting is how real practical effects look. I know you can’t really crumple someone up like Vecna does without creating a fake body and that’s expensive and difficult, but it looks so much better

I’m still loving the scary vibes, especially the haunted house kinda thing but I just really really miss the season 1 low budget b horror energy. The show has lost all the things that made it really stand out to me as something exciting in the beginning

Notes:

I literally dread the moment someone in the California gang suggests going to Utah. It’s probably to use Suzie’s radio and I’m gonna throw up when they cross that state line.

Why is el constantly wearing like twelve layers of clothing

Idk this Nina project thing is giving me bad vibes

NO FUCKING WAY

Dude Bren we was fucking killed WHAT is going on I don’t need this I don’t want this

This man makes my fucking skin crawl “let us work together, daughter and papa” BITCH EW

Bro how many times is this child gonna be traumatized before I can sleep again????

Let hopper rest challenge

“I have a family, I have three kids waiting for me” YES YOU DO, JOYCE. THREE OF THEM I’m getting emosh

Eddie slamming his way through this house like he isn’t a murder suspect

NOT STEVE CURLED UP ON THAT CHAIR LIKE A LITTLE KITTY I love him I love him he’s perfect in every way someone please send me a high res photo of this (and I ignore my dirty laptop screen)

“Cold beer would really calm my jangled nerves”

Lmao Ted telling these kids to fuck off

Max literally listening to ONLY kate bush and ridiculous volumes that’s the vibe

HOLLY IS SO FUCKING GROWN WHAT

Loving Max’s shitty art skills

“Maybe the answer is somewhere in this incredibly vague drawing. God, we need Will.” I actually love this. How wills drawings were so important to figuring shit out in season 2 and max is trying to use that same process but she’s terrible at art bc she’s just a person love this I don’t know why it’s just making my heart happy

Nancy origami-ing this house together. Lowkey would’ve lost my shit if that had been Steve putting it all together. He needs a moment to be smart and I think something visual like this could really be in his wheelhouse. I’m gonna do a fic where it’s Steve that puts it all together

Also bc I could totally see him and tommy and Carol daring each other to go into the Creel house and shit (Ted bundy had a house in my home town and we used to dare each other to go to the porch and knock on the door and shit and Hawkins kids would totally be the same)

WAIT DID THEY SHAVE ELS HEAD AGAIN OR IS THIS A FLASHBACK??? I hate flashback story telling it’s so fucking confusing gd

Is this a truama response? I guess. Bro idk what’s going on

What is with those weird little shoes the older kids have on?

Okay this plastic face bitch needs to get out of my face I literally can’t stay him he’s like fucking Michael Langdon I wanna punch him

STOP calling her sleepyhead I can’t deal

I’m kind of here for this sucked up time loop though

NOT THESE FRUITS BURYING A BODY

Will is literally using a hoe to dig he’s a nightmare

Obsessed with argyle’s very real reaction

Lmao D.A.R.E. Officer will

I KNEW something was gonna be hidden in the pen these guys suck

Some of these Russian guys are super hot and for WHAT

WAIT SO MUCH OF WHAT I HEADCANONED FOR HOPPERS BACKSTORY WAS JUST MADE CANON him fighting in Vietnam (I mean that obv) but it being spurred on by his shitty father that ‘thinks he’s a piece of shit’ I mean. I’ve written shit where billy and hop bind over their fucked up dads and the way we REALLY could’ve had hop seeing through Billy’s facade I’m gonna scream

This agent orange story is so so fucked up and the way that this is REAL are you kidding? I’m freaking out

Oh rip Sarah

THEY DO NEED YOU HOP AND YOU NEED THEM IT GOES BOTH WAYS

I’m gonna cry omg

Oh Christ Chrissy’s mom can fuck RIGHT off

I have to say the music they use when someone sees the clock, and the chimes are like bassed up and slowed it’s really cool

Jason needs to fuck off i fucking can’t with him

Stupid fucking Jason writing reefer ricks instead of reefer rick’s

“Should I knock? See if anybody’s home?” Steve you just pried off the wood that was keeping this place boarded up

“I found a key” queen of chaos robin Buckley

Thank god Steve has the limbs of a giraffe so someone in this group could reach the knob

Okay but Steve’s blank look when Dustin “do you need to be told everything? You’re not a child”joe keery sometimes just goes so dead in the eyes sometimes and it’s my favorite thing in the world

Also “thank you” “you’re welcome” he’s my baby boy I love him

“Why’s this wizard obsessed with clocks?” Idk Steve why am I obsessed with you? Sometimes people are just obsessed with things

Let Steve hit Dustin over the head like real brothers would challenge

“Why’d you sigh?” “I didn’t sigh, just come on dude” love Steve playing this off like it wasn’t the biggest most dramatic sigh in the whole world

We had a very similar lamp in my childhood home lol

THIS CONVO ABOUT MURRAY’S KARATE CLASS IM OBSESSED Jeremiah is my new favorite side character

If I have to hear this whore say “well well…” I’m gonna go on a murder spree

These flashes between cgi little el and old el is making my vertigo act up

“Good morning children” “good morning Miss Hannigan”

Brenner can choke on the biggest fattest dick

Sensory deprivation tanks are one of my biggest fears ngl

Argyle is the queer that can’t drive we all needed in this show

no. No no no no NO olease DONT please don’t

They showed that map of Utah and I ralphed

Will singing never ending story lub him

Eddie looks like if Alex Horne and Erin mcgehey had a child

This fucker that wears a trucker hat everywhere, even while wearing a suit is such a douchebag jock vibe I love

Why do NONE of my green colored pencils function FUCK

“If there’s a spider nesting in there you’re never gonna find it u too it lays eggs and all the babies spill out” ROBIN PLEASE

I love Steve constantly being like “we’re friends we’re friends we’re friends” and saying how he WOULD date robin but she wouldn’t date him. I hate that he and Nancy are sniffing around one another but he makes it very clear that he doesn’t think he’s too good for Robin or that she’s not attractive, but that she actually wants nothing more than platonic with him without outing her. I just think it’s very sweet

STEVE STARTED TO TRY TO QUOTE THE SHERLOCK HOLMES QUOTE DUSTIN SAID QND I HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM HES SO EMBARRASSING

And then he just walks away he’s such a baby such a baby

Kate bush will NEVER lose her magic powers that wuthering heights video is fucking amazing

Lucas being a lil dork I’m so so glad he’s a real character again after last season

I think the sound design is my favorite of all the seasons. The clock noise is cool and the way they’re using running up that hill to play quietly and distorted in certain scenes is really interesting

This whole flashback is like some umbrella academy rip off shit

Not them vying for brenners pocket taffy

Anytime this gross waxwork lookin bitch speaks I am filled with unspeakable rage

Bro where’s Kali in all these flashbacks??? I’ve been honking that since the beginning that first flashback really bothered me bc of all the kids besides 11 were killed how did Kali survive/did she escape earlier than that when she was like 4???? I hate it

“My fingers are like arrows!” The theatre if it all what a whore I love Murray

The karate has really payed off good for you dude

And then Murray and Joyce were frozen for sixty years like captain America

Yes Steve being the Scooby gang leader for five seconds loml

Eddie I promise you can paddle faster than he can swim

If Vecna can fuck with the flashlights he could totally fuck with the Walkman too

Lmao Eddie falling overboard

Good job girl FUCK brenner I hate him I hate him

Why did they reshave els head??? I don’t get it and bc it’s a wig it makes her head look oddly shaped

“Papa” “daughter” 🤢

#also I just tried to spell apocalypse as ‘apocylyspse’ so that’s how my nights going #yikes talks #st4 #stranger things spoiler #strangerthingsspoilers #I’m probably gonna stop tagging spoilers come Friday since it’ll be 2 weeks since release

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chryzure-archive · 1 year

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whats some media that is soooo chrysijacks/chryzure? what would their fave pokemon be.... any random assorted thoughts you've been thinking abt them lately? and ofc any new songs you found that are chrysijacks/chryzure...

chrysijackscoded media:

moulin rouge‼️‼️‼️

the princess bride

labyrinth….

anastasia

enchanted

ella enchanted too <3

tangled (i want jacks DEAD)

wicked :)

the scarlet pimpernel

all those early 2000s barbie movies. jacks makes an excellent pretty barbie <3

the phantom of the opera, but i also have a chryzure au for this, so i’m putting it in both of their categories

chryzurecoded media!!!!:

beauty and the beast (for reallllll)

the bone witch (azure is coming back to life to be w chrysi… peak chryzure)

the night circus <3

h.hadestown……….

the corpse bride!!!!!

the addams family

THE MUMMY.

nightmare before christmas

haunting of bly manor…

legend of zelda, but esp twilight princess

phantom of the opera !!

the velveteen rabbit… i can make it work, i can MAKE IT WORK

fablehaven <3

the nutcracker….. i will not elaborate.

chrysi’s fav pokémon is probably phantump, since she can see ghosts and talk to them… this is jst another ghost. she has adopted a new child.

my friend showed me a purugly and i literally gasped and said, “AZURE WOULD LOVE IT”, so there’s THAT answer! i’ve never seen a more azure-coded pokémon in my life

jacks i’m less certain of, but i looove espurr’s design bc it’s sooo little creature + i think jacks would take one look at it and jst keep it at all times. he’ll never admit it, but he’d die for this creature

misc chrysijacks thoughts consist of how funny it is in most aus that they’re already divorced. it’s jst a question of them getting back together. why are they trying out this relationship again when chrysi would’ve gladly thrown jacks out a window? who knows! they’re kissing so hard rn though!!!!!!!!

then come the other half of the aus where they’re childhood friends and it’s like. yeah no it’s totally normal for friends to have napped together since they were in middle school, all bc chrysi got nightmares when she slept on her own. it’s totally normal that jacks kisses chrysi regularly. friends do that, esp when one friend is immune to the curse. and then jacks has the gall to be shocked when ppl call him out for being in love w chrysi. okay, darling, don’t worry your pretty little head over that.

misc chryzure thoughts are fkskgkskcjsjzkjfkkdkckfjwksmcnekzmdndns……. like??!!? sticking a fork into the wall outlet rn because i am sooo!!! jst down to the simple day to day domestic life, it’s so clear how much they love each other…. they’re comfy w preparing each other toast and teasing each other for the way they like their tea and they’re both teasingly mad when the cat picks one of them over the other.

and then the whole reincarnation curse makes me go insane go wild. the number of lives they hold, where they loved each other unabashedly and wholly, only for them to die tragically? and the fact that both chrysi and azure have started to look forward to their next life, because the agony will stop, for just a little while… they get to be happy for a fraction of time in each of their lives, and that’s enough. that has to be enough. oh, the agonies…

also, azure’s hickey game is insane + chrysi wears off the shoulder shirts a lot. what’s she supposed to do w these, blue??? knock it off!!!!!!!

chrysijacks songs:

summer // circadian clock, baethoven

love song // sara bareilles (i’m not justifying my choice. jst know this is the same era of chrysijacks as the era when i first discovered his hair would be blue and i was horrified for the next two hours)

casanova // allie x

oh l’amour // erasure (i’ve mentioned this before but it’s sooo chrysijacks to me)

chryzure songs:

tether // sleep state

below my feet // mumford & sons

divine créature // la femme

see you tomorrow // evgeny grinko

#.asks #m.moon🎀#s.chryzure #s.chrysijacks #ive actually been thinking i need to make new and updated playlists for chryzure and chrysijacks…

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bbina · 1 day

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bbibbi… i’m going to cry… no… i’m actually tearing up 🥲 i can’t believe that btl is over now 😩 like… time goes so fast huh? i’ve never been this invested in an smau before, btl is just THAT smau 😭💗💗💗 nothing can EVER top it i’m telling you 😊 but fr, this smau is so beautiful, the characters, the plot, the chats, the angst, literally EVERYTHING 😩 i’m going to miss waiting for a new btl chapter to be released everyday ☹️ i’m going to miss reading the cuteness, the angst, the silliness, the lovey dovey-ness ☹️ i’m going to miss my silly boys and my silly girl silly-ing around together ☹️ i’m going to miss cute loser boy wonbin who’s just so in love with his girlfriend y/n ☹️ i’m going to miss pretty lover girl y/n who was kinda late to realising her feelings for wonbin ☹️ i’m going to miss snitch shotaro who snitched to the others that wonbin went to ulsan ☹️ i’m going to miss overprotective older brother eunseok who now has a GIRLFRIEND??? HELLO??? ☹️ i’m going to miss confused giant sungchan who was blamed by y/n for wonbin leaving her ☹️ i’m going to miss bubble boy seunghan who’s literally the president of the ynbin nation ☹️ i’m going to miss puffy hair sohee who’s a part of the ynbin nation and is just a cutie patootie ☹️ and i’m going to miss sir anton who SOME people tried to make second lead ☹️ fuck… I’M GOING TO MISS BTL SO MUCH 😩 okay but i can always just reread it so 🤭 i just want to be dramatic 😭 i can’t believe that i actually teared up… like… wtf??? bbibbi… THANK YOU for writing this AWESOME smau 😩 i love your cute, smart, big brain that is full of wonderful ideas SO MUCH 💗💗💗 believe me when i say this but btl is the first ever smau that i fell in love with 😘 everything about btl was so homely and comforting, i felt so much at ease whenever i used to read the chapters 😩 AND i remember ranting to my cousin when ynbin had that HUGE fallout 😭 babe you had me stressing and shit 😩 and i’m so happy with the amount of LOVE and APPRECIATION that btl has received 🥰 #DESERVED 💗💗💗 reading other anons asks about btl made me so giddy and happy 😊 the highlights of this journey HAS to be ynbin’s CRAZY fallout and the ynton shippers 😩 WHERE DID THE YNTON SHIPPERS COME FROM??? they just spawned out of nowhere 😭 the b in btl stands for BEST and i’m 100% sure that other anons will agree with me 😊 i’m actually going to reread it… LIKE I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT IT’S OVER NOW??? WTF??? heart: broken 💔💔💔 soul: shattered 💔💔💔 bbibbi 😭 i’m actually going crazy… 😐 btl ending means that seunghan’s going to come back 😊 idk what i’m saying i’m just rambling now 😩 btl… btl… BTL… ☹️ okay but the one year skip fucking caused my heart to palpitate 😭 UGH 😩 i love you btl 💗💗💗 SO MUCH 💗💗💗 FOREVER 💗💗💗 AND ALWAYS 💗💗💗

- 🦌

i jus realized bbibbi is an iu song lmfao ANYWAY-

it's been over 12 hours and i still can't believe its over :( i miss them already 😔 ive been answering asks and i was like "fuck im gonna update again" BUT WHATS THERE TO UPDATE CHAT 💔 not too sure about anything can top it... im lowkey liking the plot of wb's second smau thats in the works.. not gonna say much cus its not done yet 🫣

mane im already missing backstreet boys dumb shenanigans mixed with wonbin's loser self yearning for yn to like him back bc shes a dummy!! remember when eunseok had to literally knock some sense into her ass.. sigh they were so cute and funny... esp when the boys took it upon themselves to fight the devil (ynbin) themselves like get u friends who bridge you to the person who's right for u!!!

u guys do tell me that u guys feel like ur literally part of the friend group 😭 thats honestly kinda cute... means i nailed what its like to be with friends *sigh* LMFAO

the ynbin breakup will still continue to haunt yall huh 😭 the way it got yall talking to ur irls about it (some anons mentioned they were talking abt it to their own friends LMFAOOOOOOOO) crazy ass plot..

THE LOVE BTL GETS IS SO HEARTWARMING I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS RLLY LOVE THIS FIC THE WAY I LOVE IT HUSDHSKHFSDJFHKSD will never get tired of saying that shit fr

NTM ON THE YNTON SHIPPERS LIKE WHERE DID U GUYS PULL THAT ONE OUT OF UR ASSES?????? there was fr a little anon group dedicated on sending asks about ynton becoming canon LIKE HUUUH ... the highlight for me was the poll 😭 maybe i'll do more plot polls more often just to see everyone spiral and think outside the box 😭

idk why i have a strong gut feel hani is coming around soon especially whats going down on the kpop world... KINGHAN COMEBACK 2024

the one year timeskip just to show that they've come a full circle teeheeeeee

thank you so much for reading bambi anon!!!! i rlly rlly rlly LOVED waiting for ur thoughts !! thank you sosososo much for always taking ur time of day to read and share!! <3 LUV YEW

#mailbox #btl ask #★.mail: 🦌 anon #in my head everyone's emoji names have government names LMFAO

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super-who-locked-me-in-here · 1 year

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10, 24, 25?

Hi, thanks for the ask!

10. Favorite animals?

I love panda bears and ducks. I actually get to hang out with ducks somewhat regularly bc my godmother keeps a bunch as part of her animal rescue program.

24. Irrational fears?

I'm scared of the dark, swing sets, trampolines, and heights. I also used to be terrified of elevators, but I had to get over while spending a year in a wheelchair in highschool (broke my spine).

25. Tell us about ghosts

ANON I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED THERE'S SO MANY GHOSTS AROUND ALL THE TIME THIS IS GONNA BE LONG BUCKLE UP

I'm not really religious, but for lack of better wording, mine and my family's ghost experiences are more spiritual than supernatural. We don't have flickering lights or slamming doors or visions of random old transparent men in mirrors. We get visits from family members.

Let's start with my godmother: plain and simple, her house is haunted by the ghost of her father, and some random little girl that she hasn't figured out who it is. Big Al likes to knock pictures and decorations off the wall that he deems uncouth, and my godmother, her brother, and my mom can all here Big Al talking every now and then in the main foyer.

My great grandma, Mama Dot, saw her husband's ghost right before she died. My nana says Mama Dot was in her hospital bed, fading away, and hadn't said anything for hours, when suddenly she sat up, looked at an empty chair in the corner of the room and said "Joe! You came!" She died a few minutes later.

My mom can hear Mama Dot and Papaw Joe. I've seen Papaw possess my mom before one time. She was joking about their sex life (because Mama Dot was a promiscuous woman and Papaw just wanted to go to bed), when suddenly my mom froze and in a southern accent much heavier and deeper than her own, started berating herself for speaking of such things.

That leaves me. I had a twin sister. Key word being had. My mom had a partial miscarriage and they lost Elizabeth at like 10 weeks. I didn't find out I was supposed to have a twin until I was 11 years old, but my mom always likes to tell the story about how when I was about 2 or 3 years old, I was playing and talking to myself, and my mom walked in and did the whole "who's your imaginary friend" thing, and I had turned to her completely seriously and said "my twin sister from heaven. She was in your tummy but she got sick and had to go."

Elizabeth has always been with me. She's aged up with me. I can see her and talk to her and she'll talk back. She's most corporeal in moments where I'm extremely stressed or traumatized, like when I had spinal surgery or when I moved out of my childhood home. I haven't actually seen her since 2019 when we left home, but my boss actually saw her walking around the library where I work back in November, so I can only assume she's still here and wait for her to show herself to me again.

#ask game #birthday asks #ghosts #ghost tw

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flintbian · 4 years

Text

Me: I'm bored. I'm in pain. There's nothing to do. I'm getting more anxious by the minute

Me to me: Perhaps then you should go to bed? It's midnight? Your head gets considerably worse at night why are you staying up?

Me: *stays up until 4 am still for no fucking reason*

#why cant i just go to bed?#i feel like im searching for something #like something is missing and my chest hurts and my heart hurts and everything is wrong and im haunted #and the feelings get worse the later the night goes on #but they also keep me up esp bc i feel im searching for Something but idk what #and then i zone out and depressedly stare at the wall and i did start getting ready for bed somehow here #i cant make myself go to bed consistently anymore something died in me idk what but i just cant and dont care and why???#i used to be so disciplined and now i can't even make myself go to bed what the fuck happened to me this past half year??#i feel so wrecked #consistent sleep would fucking help but here i am doing ??????#someone needs to knock me out or something #im so tired #what am i searching for?#the piece i lost but idk what it is?#why does my brain think ill find it by staying up ungodly hours?#ughhhhh #p

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latent-thoughts · 2 years

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hello there, can i ask a drabble for lokix flat-chested reader? she's very insecure of it and thinks that loki wouldnt like her, her body bc of it and the fact that almost all people say that when it comes to breast size, "the bigger, the better"

So, I've managed to write something after being sick for so long. I hope you guys like it. 🥺

Inadequate (Loki x Reader; fluff; smut)

"What are you doing?"

You gasped and turned around, cupping your almost non-existent ‘girls’ in haste.

"Loki! What’re you doing in here? You didn't even knock!"

Loki gave you a quick once over, his eyes widening just a tad bit as he took everything in--from your toplessness to the very conspicuous dollops of cream smeared all over your front.

“I… was curious as to what was taking you so long in the washroom,” he answered, his eyes still glued to your chest. “So I thought to check in.”

“Without knocking?” you asked, grabbing a towel in your haste to cover yourself.

This was just perfect. The one big insecurity you had just had to be exposed to Loki like this…

“I’d apologize, love, but these are my chambers,” he answered, walking in and closing the door behind him. “And we’re courting. So that begs the question… why are you hiding in here, with an awful lot of cream spread all over your breasts?”

Ugh, you wanted to be swallowed by the ground, never to surface. This was beyond embarrassing.

“It’s, umm, it’s a moisturiser. I have very dry skin,” you mumbled, clutching the towel tightly.

“Just the breasts?” he asked with a chuckle.

When you didn’t laugh with him, he sobered quickly. He gave you a long, hard look, his eyebrows rising in disbelief.

“You know, honesty is the foundation of any relationship. I want ours to be strong and lasting.”

“What do you mean?” you asked, heat blooming all over your face.

“What exactly were you doing? You know that I can sense deception.”

That made your hackles rise, and you reacted badly to it.

“You know, respecting a person’s privacy is also something that’s important in a relationship. You’re clearly violating mine.”

You didn’t wait for his response; you simply marched out of the bathroom in anger. A very false righteous anger, with your eyes welling up in shame.

You simply wanted to get dressed and rush out of his chambers. No, you simply wanted to run away from him. At least, for the time being.

------

Hours later, the feast in Loki and Thor’s honour was in full swing, but you were simply not enjoying it. After your little outburst at Loki, you had been avoiding him all day.

Because you didn’t just feel guilty, you felt utterly inadequate as his girlfriend.

Ever since you had arrived here on Asgard, you had felt inferior to other Asgardians, especially the ladies. They were all beautiful, almost painfully so, with their hour-glass bodies, their supple, naturally pretty breasts and curvy asses. Not only that, they were all super strong too.

There was no way you could ever compare to that. You couldn’t even compare to above average human girls, especially with your almost flat A-cup breasts.

The cherry on top of this shameful pile was that Loki had, in fact, dated a few of these flawless Asgardian women in the past. So now, after seeing them, it made little sense to you as to why he’d chosen to date you at all.

Why would one choose a cheap take-out over a hearty gourmet meal?

These horrible horrible thoughts kept haunting you as you kept yourself secluded in the less frequented corners of the feasting hall.

That is, until Loki grasped your hand and pulled you aside, taking you completely by surprise.

“Where did you come from?” you asked with wide eyes, trying your best not to make a scene.

“Subterfuge,” came his quick reply. “Come with me. We need to talk.”

You hesitated. “About what?”

His eyes narrowed. “Don’t play ignorant, it’s not a good look on someone as sharp as you.”

You sighed in defeat, knowing that he wouldn’t let it drop. So you simply gestured for him to move and lead the way.

Within a minute or so, you found yourself in an over-the-top but typically Asgardian looking conference room. “What is this place?”

“War Council meeting hall. Hardly used anymore,” he replied, picking you up and placing you on the long golden table. "Now tell me. What is the matter with you? You’ve been distant all day, as though you’re repulsed by my very presence. Is this about my intrusion into your private washroom time? I wanted to apologise, but you’ve been elusive all day.”

His words crushed you in one fell swoop. "I’ll never be repulsed by you, Loki. That’s not matter at all. In fact, it’s completely the opposite way around."

He shook his head, looking sad and confused. “How? I’m not repulsed by you. That’s just absurd! I adore you.”

“How can I believe you, when I see, with my own two eyes, the kind of people you’ve dated in the past. All the women here have the best bodies possible. All are pretty and statuesque, otherworldly beauties. How can I compare? Especially with my flat chest and lack of curves?”

“Wait…” You saw the realization dawn on his face. “...Is this the reason you were smearing all that cream on your breasts? What was the purpose of that cream?”

The cat was out of the bag now…

Time for honesty…

“I just… I thought that it would make them bigger, or at least plumper, maybe. I saw someone selling that cream at the marketplace here, and I bought one bottle,” you confessed, so taken with humiliation that you couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to make myself look more deserving of your attention. It sounds so stupid, but I can’t help it. I see all those pretty ladies here, with their full cups and pretty cleavage, and I know I don’t measure up to them at all. I’m inadequate.”

He sighed—a very disappointed sounding sigh. You still couldn’t meet his gaze, but you knew that he was witnessing all the embarrassment on your tomato-red face.

For a while, he just didn’t say anything, but you could feel his mind ticking away in frustration. You were the source of it, after all.

Finally, when he spoke, he did so after cradling your face into his hands, forcing you to look into his eyes.

“How would you react if you saw me using a potion to increase my body mass? Or mayhap, to change my facial features? What about my…?” He glanced down, in the general vicinity of his crotch, making it clear that he was talking about his dick. “You get the picture.”

That made your lips twitch in amusement. He always knew how to make you smile, even when he was being self deprecating…

“It’s not the same. You’re not lacking in any of those areas,” you replied, still clinging to your argument.

“In my perception, I am. Or… I honestly thought so for the longest time. I spent centuries competing with Thor in just about every arena of life.” He pursed his lips and made a face then. “Well, maybe not in terms of measuring my ‘pillar and stones’ with his, but you know what I mean. Right?”

You nodded, unable to help the giggle that bubbled up in your chest due to that last sentence of his.

“So tell me, how would you feel about it?”

“It wouldn’t be you if you changed anything about yourself.”

“That’s correct. Now apply the same sentiment to yourself, from my perspective.”

You understood what he was trying to say, but still… the inadequacy you felt wouldn’t go away.

“I just don’t understand what you see in me, honestly.”

“It’s not about seeing, it's about feeling,” he said, kissing you gently, lingering against your lips as he spoke. “You’re the most breathtakingly beautiful person to me, because I feel you in my heart of hearts, in my soul, in my very essence.”

Slowly, he undid the stays of your dress, pulling apart its bodice to cup your breasts. It made you gasp and shiver… his touch was electric.

“Loki… someone will see,” you tried to reason, but he didn’t stop. He pulled your dress right off with his seidr, right there in that conference room.

“It’s locked.” He pulled back a bit to regard you with his sharp gaze. “No one will see you but me. You’re a feast for my eyes only.”

You gulped, looking at him timidly as his gaze fell upon your naked form. It wasn’t the first time, but somehow, you felt more self-conscious under the bright lights of the room, especially because of the argument you were having with him. Hence, you tried to cover up with your hands.

He, though, wasn’t having it. He pushed your hands away and began touching you anew.

“It matters not how big or small your breasts are, for simply touching you is the purest joy in the whole universe to me. Don’t you feel it?”

His thumbs stroked your nipples, which now stood taut, loving the attention despite your reticence.

“I… I do. But—”

“But what, love?” he asked, peppering kisses all over your face, heading down to your breasts. “Would you be the same with another man? Am I replaceable to you?”

The questions were hard-hitting, but his caresses were soft and imploring. It was a strange mix, but perhaps you needed it. Because it woke you up from the fog of your insecurities.

“No, I don’t love anyone but you.” You grasped his head and held him tight as he took your nipple into his mouth, sucking on it gently, coaxing your pleasure out. “I don’t want anyone else…”

“Even with my idiosyncrasies, sneakiness and bad reputation?” he asked, switching to the other nipple, making you tremble.

“Yes!” you cried, your restless legs nudging against his thighs, wanting to wrap themselves around him. He seemed to know this intuitively, because in the next second, his clothes disappeared as well.

He smiled against your sensitive flesh, nipping it gently. “Even when you know my other form, which is considered ugly here on Asgard by many?”

“I’ll fight anyone and everyone who dares to call you ugly,” you growled, pulling a handful of his hair to make him look into your eyes. “Even you.”

The love, the devotion you saw in his eyes all but melted you.

“Then why must you torture me by calling yourself inadequate?” he asked, pressing his forehead to yours. “You’re perfect as you are. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want you to alter yourself.”

You nodded, wrapping your arms and legs around him, pulling him closer, close enough that his arousal nudged against yours, giving you goosebumps. His desire for you was obvious.

Why did you doubt it in the first place?

You didn’t know, but now, you didn’t care all that much about it.

Because Loki was making love to you…

“I’m sorry,” you sighed against his lips as he entered you, “so so sorry. I don’t doubt your love.”

“I’ll still keep reassuring you till it’s etched in your heart and soul.”

“I like the sound of that, but can I return the favour?” you asked, loving the sensation of him filling you up slowly, stretching your channel to its limits.

“Of course, love. But… no more suspicious creams,” he said, chuckling and grabbing your ass to go deeper inside you.

“No more suspicious creams,” you giggled, which quickly turned into a moan as he began to thrust into you.

“Good girl.”

(Also posted on AO3. Please share and leave comments if you liked it.)

#loki fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki feels #loki fluff #loki angst #loki and frigga #frigga #mcu loki #frigga's b+ parenting #frigga and loki #loki marvel #loki odinson #gen fic #general fic #my loki drabbles #loki drabbles #loki fanfics #loki-fanfiction #loki+fanfiction

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pappierus · 3 years

Text

A Big, Fat, Disastrous, Idiotic Mistake // Nozel Silva

...5.4k words :/

(i wrote this on wattpad, not copying, just moved it here bc i liked the tumblr community a lot better)

erm ye. enjoy?

------------

You made a mistake.

You made a big, fat, disastrous, idiotic mistake.

You'd made this mistake nearly six months before, and it was still haunting you to this day.

You decided to be a member of the Silver Eagle Squad.

Why was this a big, fat, disastrous, idiotic mistake, you may ask?

"Wow, I didn't think a commoner would last this long in this place, congratulations!" your superior chuckled a s you walked out of your room, your superior chuckled.

Well, because you were a commoner in a squad full of arrogant noblemen.

____

You're not sure why Captain Nozel chose you in the first place; you were the one he despised the most. Even your breathing irritated him — not that you felt any differently about him, of course.

He was without a doubt the most evil person on the face of the earth, w ith his menacing purple eyes and demonic braided hair.

Evil.

You were strong, and you worked hard to gain even the tiniest bit of his approval, but no matter how hard you tried, he dismissed you with a sneer.

Even now, when your squad reported to him after completing a mission, retrieving a fortune, and saving hundreds of lives, the majority of which was due to your magic—which your squad leader, bless him, pointed out—he still rolled his eyes when your name was mentioned. Which you took offence to and glared at him angrily, which he matched for the remainder of the brief meeting.

When your squad leader finished the report, he hummed his approval and dismissed you all, so you ended your glaring match and walked away.

You felt sick by even being in the same room with him.

yep, a big, fat, disastrous, idiotic mistake.

____

For the third time, you loudly knocked on Captain Silva's big office door, hurting your knuckle in the process. You knew he was in there because he never leaves unless he's on a mission, being the workaholic and perfectionist he was.

You didn't come here voluntarily, oh no, you would never.

You had to request a day or two off from your captain since your sister was getting married, she wanted you to be the best maid, and you were not going to miss your baby sister's wedding for the world.

Due to said circumstances, you were forced to endure the agony of seeing his face once more, or at least the part of his face that wasn't obscured by that unusual braid.

You were beginning to wonder who told him it was a good idea to style his hair like that, the devil? Because it was not, in fact, a good idea, but it was the braid that saved you the trouble of looking at his entire face. you began to wonder; did he braid it himself?

You laughed to yourself at the thought of your enraged captain braiding his hair like a little girl in front of a mirror, but your thoughts was cut off by the devil himself.

"How long do you intend to laughing to yourself like a lunatic?" When the door opened, you looked up to see your captain staring down at you with his trademark sneer on his lips. And with that, you smile vanished.

"sorry, I was just having a funny thought." you said, rubbing the back of your neck in embarrassment. He gave you a blank stare.

Great, you reasoned, he thinks I'm crazy, just another excuse to despise me.

"What do you want?" he asked. "Or do you enjoy wasting my time?" he snarled.

rude, you thought.

"Hey! I had to knock on the door three times before you heard me. My hand hurts." you said, it wasn't uncommon of you to talk back to the captain, you had a short temper and he had a large ego.

you said, it wasn't uncommon of you to talk back to the captain, you had a short temper and he had a large ego.

"You did?" he asks, and you gape at him, because he heard you laughing softly to yourself ( quietly, may I add) but not you pounding on the door? "Shut your mouth, it's incredibly rude."

''you're one to talk'' you mumbled under your breath.

"Mumbling is rude" he sneered, disapprovingly looking at you, "I don't like repeating myself, what do you want?"

You were so irritated that you almost forgot why you came here. You took a deep breath in and out to relax, then resumed speaking.

"Captain, I have a question for you." You said something, he rolled his eyes and went into his office; you followed behind him, not having time to properly look around but judging by his desk, he was certainly busy, almost making you feel bad for bothering him.

"You see, my sister's wedding is coming up in a few days, and I was invited to attend—" you sensed his glare but continued to talk, "-but I need to take a day off to do so." You finished quickly and waited for a response.

"Your vacation days aren't for another two weeks." "You're asking me if you should leave your duties to attend a party?" he said after a brief pause.

He said it as if it were the most ridiculous suggestion ever made.

"It's not just a party! It's a wedding reception! They're very serious."

"I'm sure anything like this will be thrilling to a commoner—"

"excuse me? It has nothing to do with mme being a commoner; if you got married, wouldn't you want your siblings to attend?" you questioned, hands clenched.

"Well, I'm sure my wedding will actually be important—" he dismissively said.

"And this isn't important?" you cut him off. "Oh right, I forgot, I wouldn't understand because I'm a commoner," You said it jokingly, but you were truly offended. Nozel's eyes softened slightly as if noticing, but you were too upset to notice.

Nozel composed himself, "precisely, I'm so glad you understand-"

"I doubt you could ever get married anyway." you mumbled, you expected him to say something typical like 'mumbling is rude', but he heard you clearly.

"what's that supposed to mean?" he seethed, stepping closer in an attempt to intimidate you.

"I mean, I doubt any woman would willingly get married to you!" you yelled, your words seemed to anger him more.

"Oh please, no sane man would ever stay in a relationship with you," he spat back, rolling his eyes, and pinching his temples, "i shouldn't be wasting my breath on such a worthless commoner"

Worthless commoner...

why every argument you had ended with him calling you a worthless commoner?

yep... a big, fat, disastrous, idiotic mistake.

Both of you were angry, you hadn't intended for the conversation to yet again be another petty argument, but you should've known it wouldn't be easy convincing your captain to do anything.

You were both mad; you hadn't intended for the discussion to devolve into yet another petty argument, but you should've known it would be difficult to persuade your captain to do anything.

"Please, it's important to me..." lowering your voice in the hopes that just being nice would sway him, but he simply glared at you. you sighed and your shoulders slumped, admitting defeat.

You turned away to leave when you heard your captain sigh behind you, "I'll give you the day off," you snapped back up and turned to face your captain, who avoided your gaze, "...but I'm taking away your next holiday."

You sighed once more, knowing that there would be a catch, but you were grateful nevertheless.

"Thank you!" you yelled, Nozel flinched from the volume, you were so happy you could almost hug him.

For once, you saw the captain in a less evil light.

"Are you trying to make my ears bleed" he yelled "Why are you still in my office, get out!"

...never mind.

______

"Did I allow you to speak with me, (Y/N)?" You were unfazed by your captain's snide remarks because you had grown accustomed to them.

"It was just a question. You're so sensitive, yikes", I mumbled. His head snapped towards me

"I'm not sensitive, and you should know, mumbling is rude, " he glared at you.

you stared at him intently, at first, he tried to ignore your gaze but it soon became too obvious. he sighed, rubbing his temples,"What do you want?"

"For you to answer my question," you said bluntly, your eyes narrowing as you awaited his response.

"No, it was an idiotic question." he said, rolling his eyes, "now, go away." he ordered.

You didn't, instead continuing to look at him; he tried to ignore you again, but your stare became too distracting for him; why? He didn't have a clue. Normally, he'd threaten an annoying member of his team.

He glared at you and asked, "Is there something on my face?"

you tilted your head with a grin, unfazed by his glare, "yep."

his eyes widened in horror, had he gotten food around his mouth? or maybe dirt? the idea of dirt on his face irritated him, but there was not mirror for him to check. it was vital that he was always presented as a noble at all times.

You chuckled at his panic; it was unusual for him to lose his composure, and it made you laugh that something on his face had caused him to panic, of all things. It was good to see him not be so serious, you had to admit.

You may be wondering why you and your captain were alone together, not fighting or even attempting to kill each other. You were selected to go on a mission with your squad of three, but due to the gravity of the situation, your captain and another squad were forced to intervene.

The majority of the task had been accomplished, but you and your team had underestimated the complexity of the building from which you were retrieving stolen goods, and as a result, a few of you got lost.

To make matters worse, some of the building had begun to crumble, obstructing the exit from which you and your captain had entered.

You considered using your magic to blow one of the walls open, but it would just cause more parts of the building collapsing, and the majority of your squad was also trapped inside.

So, you and Nozel had been locked in the same room for an hour and had grown tired of arguing, so you decided to break the silence by asking him about the large braid that covered his ears.

"Well?" he started, "Are you going to tell me what's on my face?" Nozel asked impatiently, you chuckled and decided to mess with him because you and Nozel had made a sort of truce.

"Let me help," you said, walking over to the much taller man and reaching your hands up to help.

you lifted the braid from his face, so it was no longer covering it, and smirked "there, much better."

you looked at him, you had never realized how attractive your captain truly was since you have never really seen his face, but he was indeed very attractive, you wondered why he covered his face all the time if he looked like that.

"What makes you think you have the right to touch me, " he spat, letting go of your wrist, "A commoner getting comfortable with a noble, ridiculous" he seethed.

"Here we go again," you muttered, feeling dejected. He had to spoil your fun with the noble chat, of course.

You gave up, frowning and walking away from him. Of course, this wasn't the first time he'd done anything like this, but it always bothered you that it didn't matter what you di,d because you were a commoner.

Isn't it possible that you should just be friends? Could he ask you simple questions like, "How was your day?" or "How are you doing this fine morning?"

'How did the wedding go?' When Nozel asked you a question, your head shot up and you turned to look at him sceptically. Maybe he was making fun of you, or maybe he had read your mind.

"Sorry?'' you asked in case you misheard him, he didn't look at you, but you knew that look of annoyance was directed at you as he rolled his eyes.

He grunted and turned away from you, adding, "I don't like repeating myself." But after a while, he repeated himself anyway, "How was the wedding?"

Although it was a simple question, it still shocked you, but you answered anyway ''Uh, I-It was good, and fun... thanks for asking'' you added at the end, his shoulders stiffened.

it was silent for a while, neither of you spoke. there was a sudden, awkward change of atmosphere, not used to the casual confrontation you had.

After a while, you asked, "Nozel, can I ask you a question?"

"Not another one-''

"It's not about your hair, I promise!" you told him, a little smile on your face, amused at how such a small matter could annoy him so much.

"Ask quickly," he ordered, making you anxious because you weren't sure you wanted the answer.

he noticed your hesitation ''Well...?''

''why did you raise your hand?'' you forced the question out, anticipating his snarky remark, "to be a part of the squad, i mean"

"I know what you mean," he snapped, but the expression on his face was unreadable, he looked at you for a long while, ''why would you ask such a stupid question. You were strong.''

Your gaze grew serious and you pursed your lips before saying, ''but you hate me.'' he matched your hard gaze, ''you've always hated me since i was a commoner. so why would you pick a commoner for your squad''

Your staring match turned into a glaring match, ''I already answered your question, because you were strong''

''liar,'' you scoffed, ''there were other strong commoners, some stronger than me, and you didn't pick them-''

''-Because they weren't like you,'' he sighed angrily.

"How?" you pestered.

"Why does it matter?"

"Because it does. how? you continued to ask, it got on his nerves.

"I saw something in you that I hadn't seen before." I had a gut feeling when I saw you that I wanted you on my squad by my s-"

He abruptly cut himself off, his eyes widening slightly as though he had noticed something. You, too, fell quiet. You hadn't expected his outburst, and you had to confess that for the first time since joining the team, a feeling of acceptance filled your chest.

it was you first time seeing Nozel so flustered, but he quickly straightened his back, ''I needed you in my squad under my leadership. what sort of captain would i be if i ignored your power for such a petty reason.'' he shook him head ''But it it may have been a mistake.''

His last remark felt like a pang to your chest, hurting you much more than you thought it should've, ''w-what?''

He immediately recognized the hurt look on your face, his words had never done that to you before, and he felt a cloud of guilt descend upon him, but before he could respond, you heard the distant shouts of your squad mates, who had found you.

if only you could take back that big, fat, disastrous, idiotic mistake.

________

You had kept your distance from the captain, choosing not to bother him any further. So, instead of your usual glaring match, you kept your head down while reporting a task to him. You didn't object when he made you work extra hours or took away your free time for no apparent reason. When he insulted you, you didn't even react.

You were unwelcome on this team, you hoped that by joining it, your reputation would improve. Although it did, the other members of your squad rarely picked fights with you, and the mean looks were not quite as bad as they had been when you first joined, your reputation with your captain remained the same, no matter how much you contributed.

he didn't know how to react, the person you were now was completely different to the (Y/N) he knew, and he was the reason behind it.

So, when you gave him the letter, he should've anticipated it. "What is this?" he asked, furiously reading it over and over, as if that would change what was written.

well maybe if you stopped talking and actually read it- you though, keeping your calm, cringing as he crumpled the letter you put extra effort in to make your handwriting all nice-

"It says-"

"-I know what it says, I can read," he said angrily, rising from his desk and staring at you incredulously. "You can't be serious, a squad change?" he asked fiercely.

"That's what i wrote" you said bluntly.

"-I know what you wrote!", he yelled, you flinched, not expecting him to get worked up over something like this.

''why are you so angry? Captain Roselei said i could join her squad by the end of the month if I still wanted to, i just need your approval-" you tried to explain.

"I know what she said, i read the letter-" he cut you off again' "and I don't care", he took a deep breath in and sat down again, pinching his temples. "I cant accept" he said.

You instantly grew annoyed, "What, why? You can't do that! -"

"Actually, i can. I can't have you leave my squad, what will happen if the other captains found out one my own members hated it so much, she had to leave. I'll look like a joke!" he yelled back.

"What? You'll have one less commoner on your squad, that good, right? It's not like you appreciate anything i do here anyway-"

"I already said-"

"Is it really so difficult for me to earn a little bit of approval from you, even if it's just a 'well done'? I just wanted to impress my Captain, but it's obvious that he doesn't want me here! You really didn't think this would happen, come on?" You said back your voice raising slightly.

"You can't be treated like a child here, i won't treat you like one-"

"I thought you would be happy" you muttered, "You said it, yourself, you made a mistake."

Something flashed across his eyes, but it was unclear what it was. His face softened, and he began, "(Y/N)...", but his words trailed off.

"It's all right, we both did." "I shouldn't have joined this team," you said, he scrunched his brows at your confession. "I regret it too.". After all this time of keeping it in, it felt nice to finally say it, but you quickly regretted it when you saw his expression.

You had never seen him upset, but it looked like you had hurt him. a part of you thought he deserved it, but another part of you ached to see him like that.

His sad expression faded quickly, and he was replaced by a stern one. He took another glance at the letter before crumpling it up into a ball and tossing it behind him carelessly, "Hey!" you were about to yell, your sympathy quickly replaced with anger.

He replied softly, "I'm sorry," but it wasn't about throwing the letter away, and it had you silent. "I made a mistake; I shouldn't have treated you that way." "I'm sorry for everything," he apologised once more. "I'd take it back if I could."

"Take what back, picking me?" you asked sadly, "I know-"

"No, not that," he said, his voice becoming softer. "I'm sorry for allowing myself to-" he stopped himself before looking at you, shaking his head and saying "forget it, you wouldn't understand... you can leave the squad if you want."

"No, not that. " he said, quieter. "I regret allowing myself to-" he stopped himself before looking at you, shaking his head and saying "forget it, you wouldn't understand... you can leave the squad if you want."

he waved his hand dismissively, but you weren't leaving, "help me understand. I'm not staying in this squad unless you give me a reason to stay." you stated firmly, and he looked at you with yet another blank expression.

"You wouldn't understand." he repeated and you were growing annoyed.

"Then I'll leave" you stated, waiting for some sort of reaction, but there was none. you stayed in the same spot, just waiting for him to try convince you not to go,.

but he didn't, you weren't sure what you expected, but with a defeated sigh, you turned to leave. there was no place for you here anyway.

as you reached the door you heard him ask quietly, "do you truly have no reason to stay?" you looked back at him, and despite his strong, cold facade, he seemed so vulnerable.

"What?" you asked.

"I don't like repeating myself," he said before repeating himself, "Is there no excuse for you to stay?" he asked. "Nothing?...No one?" he enquired hesitantly.

At that exact moment, the evil Captain you've been so desperate to escape from made your heart swell. There was someone, you think. But you shook your head, slapping yourself internally from the thought.

"What do you mean earlier, at or mission, that you didn't regret picking me?" you asked, dodging his question with one of your own, remembering what he said earlier.

"You're avoiding my question."

"Your avoiding mine" you said stubbornly, and he rolled his eyes, something that made you smile, and with a reluctant sigh he answered.

"I never regretted picking you. Not once." He snapped quickly, trying to get the topic over with.

"But you said-"

"I know what i said," he cut you off, again. he avoided your gaze, as if regretting bringing up this topic in the first place.

"I never regretted picking you for my squad, in fact I think it was one of the best decisions of my life." your heart stopped and you stared at him, it must've been hard for him to admit, as he looked down at the papers on his desk, about you didn't see the pink tint on his cheeks.

but rather than teasing him, you asked "Is that the truth?" and he continued to look away.

"Take it or leave it, it doesn't matter, i don't care." he said half-heartedly.

"should i stay?" You continued to press; a familiar mischievous spark rose from withing you.

"W-What? I don't care what you-"

" You didnt think i should leave earlier" you asked, pointing to the scrunched-up letter he threw away.

As much as Nozel tried to hide his embarrassment from his tantrum earlier, he couldn't hide the now obvious fact that he wanted- no, needed you here. he slowly looked up at you, wanting to glare but as soon as he spotted the blush on your cheeks, he couldn't retaliate.

after a minute of silence, he answered "It's the truth, what i said about you being on my squad" he admitted, and you felt your heart beat faster as you saw your captain in a strange new light.

"i told you already its your choice if you want to stay."

you rephrased the question, "do you want me to stay?"

When he saw you were being totally serious, his head shot up at you, his brows furrowed. His eyes opened, and he flushed red from ear to ear. He opened and closed his mouth several times, unable to come up with a response that would not further embarrass him.

"Just say yes or no, Nozel" you told him, noticing his flustered state, normally he would at once correct you to call him captain, but at this moment in time, neither of you cared.

You were not sure where your sudden change of heart started, but all you wanted to hear was on word, one simple word and you would be happy, and upon hearing his name roll of your tongue so causally, he knew exactly what he wanted.

"Yes."

his reply made the room fall to silence yet again.

he wanted you to stay?

"Please stay." he asked, as if answering your question and you weren't sure who the man in front of you was.

All you could do was stare at him, and he stared at you. his eyes were beautiful, you realized.

But eventually, the silence became too much to bear, and not knowing how to reply, you left his office holding your breath. He did not stop you, and watched you as you left.

Was talking to him a mistake?

_________

You foolishly assumed that talking to him would clear things up and convince you that you needed to leave, but you left with far more questions than before.

Everything you could think about was how much he wanted you to stay.

But why now, exactly? Why would he reveal anything right now?

You couldn't get the thoughts out of your head, so you buried yourself in work. You had until the end of the week to determine whether or not you wanted to stay.

"well done, all of you," Captain Nozel said to your team, and you met his gaze, but he averted his gaze first.

Despite the fact that he pretended the discussion never existed, he treated you differently, as though you were now on an equal level with him. you continued to stare at him with confusion, which would normally turn into a glaring battle between the two of you, but he avoided you gaze. The air felt heavy.

You shuffled nervously on your feet before being dismissed, and as the rest of the squad left, he called out your name, and you turned to look at him, heart racing, but he shut his mouth, as though at a loss for words.

"Yes?" You asked expectedly, he shook his head.

"I-... decent job today," he said, which admittedly surprised you and almost made you feel good.

"Thank you, Captain," you replied cortly.

What was the first thing he was going to say? You know you should probably leave, but your feet were firmly planted in place, and you wanted to ask if he had something else to say, maybe an explanation.

When he noticed your hesitation, he asked, "Is there anything you need?"

"Uhm... no, not necessarily," you said, forcing yourself to leave because you didn't want to be a burden any longer.

"Have you decided?" he asked abruptly as you reached the door. "I mean, if you want to stay."

You turned around again, but this time you chose not to look him in the eyes. "I think so, Captain.''

There was a silence, he obviously expected you to tell him your decision, but you couldn't, there was a lump in your throat that wouldn't let you speak.

Judging by the silence, the way you avoided his gaze and the fidgeting of you fingers, he knew what your choice was.

"I see..." he started, his voice laced with... sadness?

"I wish you the best, (Y/N)." he said shortly, there was more he wanted to say, much more, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

you still didn't leave, and asked "Will you tell me the truth?", the question caught him off guard, and his eyebrows furrowed.

"The truth?" he asked, you met his gaze finally. it became harder nd harder to look into his lavender eyes.

"What is it that you regret? if it wasn't picking me?" you asked, recalling his outburst during your mission, but the continued to brush it off as something not important, but by the stiffening if his shoulders, you knew that was a lie. "If I'm leaving, can't you answer that one question?"

"...You're too stubborn for your own good." he dodged the question, but he held your gaze. He was right, you were stubborn, and by the look in your eye, he knew you weren't leaving without an answer.

"I suppose an explanation for my behavior is needed," and he turned away from you, not willing for you to see the blush on his face, and you smiled at his compliance.

"I didn't, as I've explained, regret picking you. I, I saw you and i knew i wanted you in my squad, but looking back on it, i regret being so selfish" he started.

selfish?

"... I knew as a captain i shouldn't have let my emotions influence my decisions, it was too irrational, to hasty. But i had what you call a gut feeling, that i would never regret picking you, having you by me, by my...by my side-" he paused, not sure if he should continue.

oh.

Your heart stopped beating, and as you tried to over analyze the meaning of his words, you knew that what he had confessed to you was that he-

by his side? you repeated in your head, you didn't dare to say anything out loud.

"I regret treating you the way i did, truly i do. i do not apologize often, (Y/N), but you deserve one. I am sorry for being so selfish. I just couldn't forgive myself for falling for my squad members, a commoner nonetheless." He admitted, and that is when you felt yourself hold your breath.

Captain Nozel, your captain... is he falling for you?

Is it possible that I'm falling in love with you?

You weren't expecting an apology, but this was unexpected. You hadn't asked for this when you asked for the truth. But it didn't bother you in the least. Was it as if this was what you... desired?

The devilish, arrogant, crude man you hated with all your heart had been in love with you, it was hard to wrap your head around, really, but what confused the most was why-

why did you feel happy?

" I thought it was horrible, really, a Captain, a noble, and a commoner. Perhaps that's why i treated you the way i did. I was ashamed." he said, and you felt yourself grow disappointed, your heart dropped slightly.

"Y-you were ashamed of me?" you said quietly, not anticipating you pathetic you sounded.

i knew it, you thought.

at the sound of your voice, he finally turned to look at you, "Of myself... I didn't care, but it didn't matter. if only i had known how pointless it was to- but i was too caught up with what i had been taught, i only now realize that it doesn't matter."

you didn't know whether to be happy or upset, angry or elated. Half of you felt giddy, the confession made your face grow hot and your heart beat faster, but the other half of you felt mad, mad at him for treating you that way when things could have been so different.

"Commoner or not, the feelings never went away. But I suppose it doesn't matter after all, you will be leaving soon." he said, his voice growing sad, and his lips turning into a soft smile.

You don't think he's ever smiled around you like that.

"Do you still regret falling in love with me?" you asked quickly, not knowing why you couldn't just leave.

He looked at you for a long time, before replying "...No, I don't. And i never will." he said.

"And what if i stayed?" you asked, "What would you do?"

would it be possible? How would your teammates react, his family, the nobles, if he dared pursue a relationship with a commoner.

"It doesn't matter." he brushed off, as if the conversation was now too much for him, "You're leaving"

"But what if i stayed?" you asked again, he stared at you for a long time.

you knew he was thinking carefully about what he should say, his eyebrows furrowed, he clenched and unclenched his fists multiple times, seemingly nervous. his cheeks were dusted with a light pink, and this time, you saw it.

Nozel was nervous, it was a sight you never though you would see, and it made you nervous too.

"then... woud..you" he mumbled and you couldnt hear what he had said, you were shocked by this more timid version of nozel.

"Mumbling is rude" you said in a cheeky voice, the atmosphere felt less tense as a smile found its way to both of your lips as you turned his own words on him. he met youreyes and saw the blush that also covered your cheeks.

"i said, then i would love you" he repeated with a newfound confidence, before walking towards you and closing the distance between the both of you.

_______

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