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albertalice920 · 3 years

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Multiple Sclerosis is a chronic disease that causes the immune system to attack the body’s nerve fibers. It affects people between the ages of 20 to 40 and is usually attributed to a mix of genetic and environmental factors. While the disease itself is not fatal, patients tend to succumb to complications in later stages, making the average life expectancy of Multiple Sclerosis patients a few years shorter than that of a healthy person. Let’s take a closer look at how MS manifests and what patients should know about disease progression and life expectancy.

Understanding Multiple Sclerosis

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic inflammatory condition of the central nervous system (CNS). It is an autoimmune demyelinating disease, which means the immune system mistakenly attacks normal tissues — in this case, the myelin or protective covering around nerve fibers. This leaves scarred tissues or lesions in multiple areas, disrupting electrical impulses throughout the body. When the myelin sheath is damaged, nerve impulses slow or even stop, causing neurological problems. Common early symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis include double or blurred vision, tingling or weakness in the body, tremors, and unsteady gait. Timely treatment is essential to slow disease progression and keep symptoms in check.

Multiple Sclerosis progression

Multiple Sclerosis can be classified into three main types based on disease progression. A patient may test for one or more of these at different points in time, depending on the symptoms and the rate of degeneration in the central nervous system.

Relapsing-remitting Multiple Sclerosis: Around 85% of Multiple Sclerosis patients experience this type of MS. It involves periodic relapses, caused due to an irritation or inflammation of the nerves in the CNS. During a relapse, the patient’s symptoms worsen, and this can last anywhere between several days to several weeks. After each relapse will come a period of improvement, lasting several weeks or even months, during which symptoms may even improve slightly.

Primary-progressive Multiple Sclerosis: Around 15% of Multiple Sclerosis patients will experience primary-progressive MS. Essentially, instead of relapses and recovery periods, the patient’s symptoms will gradually worsen right from the onset of the disease.

Secondary-progressive Multiple Sclerosis: Around 15% of patients who have relapsing-remitting MS will experience secondary-progressive MS. Essentially, over time the disease symptoms will start to steadily decline rather than relapse and recover. This usually happens within 10 years of the initial MS diagnosis.

Life expectancy with Multiple Sclerosis

One of the key questions that patients ask at the time of diagnosis is — what is the life expectancy for someone with Multiple Sclerosis? In general, the lifespan of an MS patient is about five to 10 years less than that of the healthy population. This is not due to the disease itself, but from complications that arise as the disease progresses. Most patients with advanced Multiple Sclerosis will experience issues related to mobility, swallowing, breathing, or a combination of all three. Some of the causes of death in the late stages of MS include:

Chronic bed sores from prolonged immobility

Chronic urinary tract infections such as urogenital sepsis

Bacterial / Aspiration pneumonia

Choking due to dysphagia (trouble swallowing)

Other causes of death for Multiple Sclerosis patients include:

Heart disease, which can be linked to unhealthy weight gain from not moving enough

Lung disease owing to weakened chest muscles

Suicide owing to the frustration of illness or as a result of depression or anxiety

Factors that affect Multiple Sclerosis prognosis

While Multiple Sclerosis life expectancy for any one patient depends on their unique medical history and symptom patterns. Certain factors are more favorable than others for a longer life. Some of these factors include:

Getting diagnosed at a younger age

Only one CNS system being involved at disease onset

Having a low rate of symptom relapses per year

Having a long interval between the first and second CNS attack

Complete recovery from the first attack

Low disability in the first two to five years after diagnosis

More sensory symptoms than motor-related symptoms

Later cerebellar involvement

Gender — Female patients are more likely to live a longer life

Treatment for Multiple Sclerosis

While there is no cure for Multiple Sclerosis, treatments can slow disease progression, keep symptoms in check, and lengthen the recovery period between relapses. The sooner a patient starts treatment, the more effectively CNS damage can be contained, leading to fewer debilitating symptoms and a better quality of life in later stages. In addition, Physiotherapy, Occupational Therapy, and Speech Therapy help to improve day-to-day functionality and optimize quality of life. Some of the lifestyle changes that MS patients can make to stay healthy include:

Getting enough exercise, with at least 150 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise per week

Performing exercises, specified by a physiotherapist, to strengthen limbs and improve muscle control

Eating a diet rich in leafy green vegetables, whole grains, and lean protein

Cutting out tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine

Getting regular check-ups for blood sugar, cholesterol levels, and other vitals so that the doctor can detect any abnormalities in time

Staying cool to avoid symptom flare-ups

Doing cognitive exercises which help in brain function, memory, and combatting attention deficit

Having a regular sleep schedule

Managing stress through activities like journaling or meditation

Seeking out a counselor in case of depressive or suicidal thoughts

A Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis doesn’t have to be viewed as a death sentence. As treatments continue to evolve, Multiple Sclerosis life expectancy is on the rise and so is the quality of life. A healthy, active lifestyle, and an appropriate treatment plan will ensure that patients retain as much functionality as possible as the disease progresses. In addition, the patient must keep a close eye on their symptoms and consult the doctor at once if there is any change. This will help to tailor the Multiple Sclerosis treatment plan for maximum benefit.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/multiple-sclerosis/

https://library.med.utah.edu/kw/ms/prognosis.html

https://www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/features/ms-life-expectancy

FAQs

Does Multiple Sclerosis shorten life expectancy?

The life expectancy of someone with Multiple Sclerosis is slightly reduced. The average lifespan of 25 to 35 years is often made, once diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Does MS get worse with age?

Over time, symptoms of MS stop coming and going, but begin getting steadily worse. This change can happen shortly after MS symptoms appear, or it may even take years or decades.

Is Multiple Sclerosis always fatal?

No, Multiple Sclerosis itself is rarely fatal.

At what age does MS get bad?

The disease manifests differently in every person. When it comes to age, most people are between 20 and 50 when they’re diagnosed.

Will I end up in a wheelchair with MS?

No, Many people living with MS are able to walk unassisted, while a smaller number need the help of a mobility aid.

How can I stop my MS from progressing?

While there is no cure, there are lifestyle changes that can slow progression of the disease. These include sticking to a treatment plan, eating a healthy diet, avoiding smoking, and getting restful sleep.

What should I avoid with Multiple Sclerosis?

Some common triggers for patients with Multiple Sclerosis that can be avoided include stress, heat, childbirth, certain vaccines, a Vitamin D deficiency, lack of sleep, and a poor diet.

How fast does MS progress without medication?

Treatment, including medication, can slow down the disease progression in MS. Researchers have found a 7.5-year difference between MS patients who took medication and those who didn’t.

What is the most aggressive form of MS?

‘Fulminate MS’ is the most rapidly progressive disease with severe relapses as early as within 5 years of diagnosis. It is also known as ‘malignant MS’ or ‘Marburg MS.’ This form of MS may need to be treated more aggressively than other forms.

Can you have MS for years and not know it?

A benign form of MS that can’t be identified at the time of initial diagnosis, can take as long as 15 years to diagnose. The course of the disease is unpredictable.

#Ms Patient Symptoms #Multiple Sclerosis #Multiple Sclerosis News

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weightlossfitnesssinfo · 4 years

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Successful Tips For Managing Your Back Pains

A quite common damage that impacts many individuals is again discomfort or any associated again accidents. Back accidents can occur it doesn't matter what you do, be it sitting at a pc or lifting heavy objects. The following suggestions will help prevent from a painful again damage, and enable you to alleviate current again ache.

Avoid any repeated stress in your very same muscle tissues, no matter which stance or place you are in. Avoid repetitive actions at work or whereas performing duties at dwelling. It is necessary to range your place and posture steadily.

Many folks with a again damage want to attend a day or two to be seen by their doctor. During these days, sitting and mendacity might be excruciating. If you endure from a critical again damage, similar to a ruptured disc, you possibly can expertise essentially the most consolation by laying in your again, with it flat, when you additionally bend your knees. This place could make the strain in your again much less extreme by serving to to help your tendons and muscle tissues.

You hear so much about ladies who get breast implants, however typically, you do not hear as a lot about breast reductions. Depending in your again ache scenario, breast discount is one thing you must take into account. Large breasts may end up in again ache as a result of your muscle tissues are consistently compelled to pressure as a way to preserve balanced. Women have have their breasts augmented are at particular danger for this.

It is a mistake to ignore ache in your again. Many folks ignore ache and overlook that their our bodies want excellent care. They would slightly simply 'stroll it off'. When you progress so much, you possibly can really make your ache worse. Take just a few days to relaxation till the ache goes away.

When you've got unhealthy again ache, it's good to attempt to calm the muscle spasms you might be experiencing. Cramped muscle tissues might be calmed down by placing a heating pad on the realm that's bothering you. Cutting again on sodium whereas consuming a loads of fluids, particularly water, will help to ease the ache. Dehydration can really trigger or worsen spasms, so a number of liquids and minimal salt might be useful.

Avoid repetitive stress to the identical muscle tissues, by studying to make use of different muscle tissues to take a number of the stress off of your again. When you might be doing any issues again and again, attempt to combine it up. Try to alter your standing place, and stand up and transfer usually.

Start with primary, easy steps to deal with your again ache. Even resting your again for a few days will help ease ache. While you relaxation, take into account taking one thing for the irritation, similar to naproxen or acetaminophen. Ibuprofen can also be a terrific anti-inflammatory remedy. These medicines work to alleviate your ache. Use the outdated treatment of alternating chilly and warmth, to appease your pained again.

Does your again damage? Lie down and set your knees and hips in order that they're evenly bent. It is much less tense on your again than sitting and shall be extra snug. With that mentioned, if it isn't snug for you, you possibly can attempt to discover a place that's snug that doesn't twist your again.

Many folks endure from again ache. Some estimate that roughly two out of each three folks endure from some kind of again downside sooner or later of their lives. Most of them have the misunderstanding that the ache comes from one thing that simply occurred earlier than it began. Actually, more often than not, again ache is the results of a series of occasions that lead as much as it.

To assist forestall again discomfort, by no means slouch when you are doing something in your ft. For instance, many individuals mistakenly bend over your complete time they vacuum. If you might be consistently bending whereas vacuuming, then again ache would be the end result. Instead, stand good and tall and preserve good posture. You ought to push the vacuum utilizing your legs, not your again, to keep away from a again ache later that day.

If you wish to scale back your again ache, it could be clever to cease consuming caffeine. Caffeine has been proven to set off spasms and make muscle tissues infected if you have already got muscle harm. Drinking much less espresso or tea is a good suggestion for serving to again ache.

A terrific back-pain-related tip to make use of is to behave preemptively if in any respect doable. If you've got a predisposition to again ache in your loved ones, or if you happen to're at greater danger of again damage attributable to your way of life, you must see a chiropractor for some periodic changes. Going to a chiropractor can be sure that your accidents do not get a lot worse.

You might wish to go to a chiropractor if you happen to endure from again ache that doesn't reply to some other aid methods. Usually, the chiropractor provides you with particulars on the situation of your again and formulate a remedy plan with you after reviewing your x-rays. You can ease your ache with some easy changes.

These accidents to your again, with their ensuing ache, needs to be taken critically. If you aren't getting the right remedy, you possibly can develop into chronically or completely disabled, which may have a severely detrimental affect in your life. Also take into account that again discomfort might be difficult to bounce again from, so holding your again protected is necessary. If you do have again discomfort although, you will need to discover ways to take care of it. This article will give you many useful methods to deal with again discomfort, in addition to helpful strategies of prevention.

Always take note of your posture. Your again needs to be straight with ft on the bottom with one simply barely forward. As you are typing, your elbows needs to be at your sides. Maintaining the right place of your neck is necessary, too. Never look down or stretch your neck as a way to correctly view your pc display. If it's essential to do that, attempt to discover a new place for the display.

The blog post Successful Tips For Managing Your Back Pains is republished from Weight Loss Fitness

from Weight Loss Fitness - Feed https://weightlossfitnesss.info/successful-tips-for-managing-your-back-pains/

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picardonhealth · 4 years

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This is no time for half measures

There will be plenty of opportunities to rebuild global economies later - right now, we need to focus on slowing the virus spread

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

ANDRÉ PICARD, The Globe and Mail

'It's about 50-50 now," Dr. Howard Njoo, Canada's Deputy Chief Public Health Officer said on Tuesday - meaning roughly half of the 2,500-plus Canadians with COVID-19 acquired the virus in other countries, and the other half were infected here in Canada.

"And remember," Dr. Njoo added. "That exposure happened two to three weeks ago."

We're at a proverbial tipping point.

With international travel shut down, and the U.S. border closed down, the travel cases are going to dry up over the next few weeks. But the community-acquired cases are going to continue to grow.

This is a bona fide Canadian epidemic now.

We have to stop deluding ourselves into thinking this pandemic is only going to have a substantial impact on China, Italy or the United States, or that Canada's outbreak is just about snowbirds returning from Florida or backpackers coming back from Italy.

We also have to dispense with the "whataboutism" - what if we had closed borders sooner, what if we had embraced social-distancing measures sooner? Hindsight is always 20/20. There will be plenty of time later for the obligatory retrospective, self-flagellating, public inquiry.

Right now, we need to focus on the make-or-break weeks ahead.

Coronavirus has a foothold in communities across Canada now.

We can't stop it from spreading, but we can slow it down.

Restrictive public-health measures, such as shutting down non-essential businesses, staying home and keeping a physical distance of two metres between people, albeit difficult, are more important than ever.

When people like U.S. President Donald Trump talk about the cure being worse than the disease, and bemoan the economic impact of the shutdowns, they are exhibiting a disturbing level of crassness and shortsightedness.

Limiting social contact is designed to slow infections. It's not a permanent measure, but it can't be a fleeting one either.

The now familiar term "flattening the curve" means spreading out infections over a longer period of time so hospitals can cope with the influx of seriously ill patients.

Once you have more critically ill patients than ventilators or ICU beds, you cannot proffer proper care and the mortality rate shoot up. This is the horrific scenario now unfolding in Italy.

It's barely been a week since U.S. states started imposing restrictive "shelter in place" measures. Some Canadian provinces started earlier - Quebec was first to declare a state of emergency on March 14 - giving them a leg up.

But it's still much too soon to talk about getting everyone back to work and play - and spreading their germs more broadly.

When Mr. Trump and some conservative economists talk about "herd immunity" what they mean is letting the coronavirus run wild, everyone being infected, and survivors having immunity, like a global chickenpox party.

What they are proposing is essentially "culling the herd," letting large numbers of people - principally the frail elderly, people with disabilities and chronic illnesses, and those living in poverty or homelessness - die.

Ethics aside, we're not talking insignificant numbers either.

With the U.S. on course to be the hardest hit country on earth by coronavirus, epidemiologists are projecting the possibility of a million deaths or more in the U.S.

(Up to 100,000 in Canada.)

Why we wouldn't do everything in our power to blunt this dystopian outcome, even if it does cause some economic pain?

This is not to suggest that economics don't matter. Of course they do. The number one determinant of health is income.

It's hard to be healthy if you're poor. That's why stimulus packages are important.

But every bit of taxpayer money - and Ottawa has committed $82-billion to date - should be spent helping workers who need income to eat and pay their rent, on treating the sick, on ensuring our health and social welfare system can provide all the help necessary.

It shouldn't be about bailing out corporations and mollifying billionaires, but keeping people alive, and safe.

We'll have plenty of time to figure out how to rebuild the economy later and hopefully we will create a model that is more equitable, fair and sustainable.

But for now, we need to focus on stopping, or at least slowing, the pandemic. Before rebuilding communities, before getting people back to work, we need to, first and foremost, tackle community spread of coronavirus.

It's no time half measures or for abandoning the fight in the name of economic barbarism.

#COVID19

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weightlossfitness2 · 4 years

Text

Successful Tips For Managing Your Back Pains

A quite common damage that impacts many individuals is again discomfort or any associated again accidents. Back accidents can occur it doesn’t matter what you do, be it sitting at a pc or lifting heavy objects. The following suggestions will help prevent from a painful again damage, and enable you to alleviate current again ache.

It is a mistake to ignore ache in your again. Many folks ignore ache and overlook that their our bodies want excellent care. They would slightly simply ‘stroll it off’. When you progress so much, you possibly can really make your ache worse. Take just a few days to relaxation till the ache goes away.

When you’ve got unhealthy again ache, it’s good to attempt to calm the muscle spasms you might be experiencing. Cramped muscle tissues might be calmed down by placing a heating pad on the realm that’s bothering you. Cutting again on sodium whereas consuming a loads of fluids, particularly water, will help to ease the ache. Dehydration can really trigger or worsen spasms, so a number of liquids and minimal salt might be useful.

Does your again damage? Lie down and set your knees and hips in order that they’re evenly bent. It is much less tense on your again than sitting and shall be extra snug. With that mentioned, if it isn’t snug for you, you possibly can attempt to discover a place that’s snug that doesn’t twist your again.

A terrific back-pain-related tip to make use of is to behave preemptively if in any respect doable. If you’ve got a predisposition to again ache in your loved ones, or if you happen to’re at greater danger of again damage attributable to your way of life, you must see a chiropractor for some periodic changes. Going to a chiropractor can be sure that your accidents do not get a lot worse.

You might wish to go to a chiropractor if you happen to endure from again ache that doesn’t reply to some other aid methods. Usually, the chiropractor provides you with particulars on the situation of your again and formulate a remedy plan with you after reviewing your x-rays. You can ease your ache with some easy changes.

These accidents to your again, with their ensuing ache, needs to be taken critically. If you aren’t getting the right remedy, you possibly can develop into chronically or completely disabled, which may have a severely detrimental affect in your life. Also take into account that again discomfort might be difficult to bounce again from, so holding your again protected is necessary. If you do have again discomfort although, you will need to discover ways to take care of it. This article will give you many useful methods to deal with again discomfort, in addition to helpful strategies of prevention.

Always take note of your posture. Your again needs to be straight with ft on the bottom with one simply barely forward. As you are typing, your elbows needs to be at your sides. Maintaining the right place of your neck is necessary, too. Never look down or stretch your neck as a way to correctly view your pc display. If it’s essential to do that, attempt to discover a new place for the display.

The post Successful Tips For Managing Your Back Pains appeared first on Weight Loss Fitness.

from Weight Loss Fitness https://weightlossfitnesss.info/successful-tips-for-managing-your-back-pains/

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theonlygardener · 5 years

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Chronic illness, the nature of abusers, and fever dreams

Today has been a day. This week has been a week.

I started again playing the game I used to play with my ex. Only I took it too far with the walking/exercise and a cyst in my ovary ruptured and now I have a killer infection. I don’t know if they gave me the right antibiotics, I had to practically beg for antibiotics. I don’t think they knew what they were treating. I’m worried about the infection, it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better and while I’m prone to infections, they usually start clearing up within hours of antibiotics for me. From what I’ve looked up online, solely because the ER doc wasn’t very good at exploring every option and quick to blame my chronic illness and refer me to a gyno. And gynos have always tried to push meds on me that are terrible for treating this illness, from experience, and never really address what I actually go into the office for. I saw that ruptured cysts aren’t supposed to be this painful for this long (going into day three now), and that signs of an infection are life threatening. So honestly the past couple of nights when I’ve gone to bed, I’ve felt like I might not wake up in the morning and made some peace with things on that nightly basis. Even told my niece I loved her out of the blue. Texted a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. I’ve pretended it was normal behavior before writing this. Because admitting to fear is hard for anyone, especially the chronically and disablingly afraid. But I am legitimately afraid. And legitimately dont asking doctors to address problems. When I’m in this much pain and they want to send me out without more than painkillers without me begging for more - when literally a quick fucking google search illustrates how bad that could be. Like. It’s hard not to throw in the towel. I’m doing my best to wait and see and plan on going to the ER again if I need to. I mean. I don’t have much else for choices.

I’m already a statistic in one way, two ways, maybe three. Maybe a million. Disabled and abuse victim. Autistic and abuse victim. Chronic illness and abuse victim. Disabled and no access to appropriate therapies. Sick and poor. Poor and sick. Mixed and sick and poor. Child of an immigrant and sick and poor and disabled. Child of a veteran and sick and poor and disabled and autistic and abuse victim. What’s one more?

My mom became really abusive today. Had one of those episodes - where she can’t handle her anxiety like an adult and turns and lashes at me. I don’t need to spell it out I know what those look like, we all know what those look like - anger, intimidation, gaslighting. I had my endicrinologist appointment today, and I spent the whole time listening to her bitch and complain about how much of a burden I am, on top of the previous abuse. I told her that she knew how far away it was - shouldn’t come as a surprise. And to solve that issue I’ll just go alone next time. When I’m not high off of my tits from tylenol/codeine for a ruptured ovarian cyst and the resulting infection. I would rather die in a fiery crash than be made to feel like a burden. I’ve proved that multiple times over with the toxic abusive ppl in my life and I’ll prove it again.

Then I had a nap, and I was severely dehydrated from meds/crying/fever. And I had a fever dream that me and my ex were hanging out, kind of like how we used to, but it was different. The atmosphere was different, it was like post-break up, friends but not friends but more than friends? And it was at my dad’s house, a place he never visited me at. Because when we started dating I’d go see him. And then when we picked back up again after I broke up with him the first time, I had my own place.

In this dream I was like “I’m horny wanna do it?”, like I used to when we were together and I was ovulating. And there was a cute funny moment. But then I was pensive, I saw a bunch of red-flag bible quote things on the tv game system screen saver we were using, and I started asking myself “Do I really want to do this with a man who gave me a concussion? With a man I was never good enough for? Has he really changed? Not the best choice” He saw the change in my attitude (irl something he’d almost never notice), and I told him how I felt. And we went into a long discussion where he told me that he wanted to now, because after living w/ his parents for a while, and then living with a friend, and then dating around, and then seeing that I had left S, he realized how he had it was good and figured I’d changed my mind about being poly in general and wanted him again. And I had to impress on him that me leaving S had nothing to do with him, or with that identity. That dating her wasn’t about not wanting him in the first place. That I didn’t regret leaving either of them, they were both toxic. And I didn’t regret being poly.

People have irl asked me how it feels to lose both of them, expecting me to say that it was all for nothing. It really wasn’t. I proved that a part of myself - the poly part - is real and valid and something I can act on responsibly. It exposed him for who he was, like something would have eventually. And it’s better sooner, before marriage, than later. And it showed me how being in a wlw relationship can be JUST as toxic as otherwise, something I knew secondhand but had to experience myself. I learned a lot of lessons from it that I wouldn’t ever want to take back. His treatment of me, that’s not my fault. Feeling like it was all for nothing, that would have to go hand in hand with feeling responsible for how he treated me, as if my identity precipitated his abuse, and precipitate the eventual break up, the way he wants me to feel. And I refuse to do that to myself.

And ya know. I know this is a dream state, of him giving me confessions he’d never have the humility to give irl. And at that, that’s not even an apology or a real confession. Because making me feel like “I figured you learned your lesson and you leaving S was all about me”, that’s the same abusive ego shit recycled. The reason the christian stuff is a huge red flag is because he and his family have always hidden behind that. They’ve always hidden behind that in their faults, and in their privilege. they have no faults because they’re god fearing. They have no privilege - they earned their good luck by going to church every sunday and it’s a reward. And although he never impressed it upon me as much as his family did, there were red flags. Shortly after starting to date me he asked if I’d been with anyone else, which, I know now, that’s a huge no-no because it’s no one’s business or place to comment on. It’s never asked for an innocent reason. But when I said yeah and he asked how many partners and then seemed really disappointed, and then the convo went from that to “I thought you might at least convert for me someday”, I should high tailed it out of there.

He’s not even in the place irl that he was in the dream though. I know that on a spiritual level. He’s sucking down the worst of the gaslighting and abuse that he himself experienced since birth and he’s calling it better than what he had with me because it’s comfortable and he’s becoming an even worse version of himself than he ever was with me. I could put money on him abusing the next girl from day fucking one, instead of waiting until she’s just so too much herself like he did with me, and then blaming it on “oh it’s my exes fault she made me like this”, if that was a thing people took bets on.

But I thought, this was the best relationship I’d been in so far and when the best you’re aware of is the best you’ve known, you make the mistake of settling. I settled. I settled for the least worst of what I had experienced, not the best of what I could get. I made excuses for him, my heart was unsettled for a long time. And when I realized he was autistic, that was the excuse I used. I thought autism made him better in that he “didn’t absorb bullshit from his parents”, I was partially wrong. Because it made him appear better in that he probably would have abused me more and put more pressure on me if his autistic traits were different or if he wasn’t autistic at all. But at the end of the day. Me differentiating too much from what he was taught to expect from a wifey - it came out in the end either way.

I think I had this dream because with the chronic health issues, I feel really alone. And before he was there for me - even in a capacity where he himself was also complaining about my needs sometimes. And being sick with or without my mother’s abuse. I’m left struggling to love myself through it. because of how he gaslighted me. I’m left feeling like I wish I wasn’t alone and had support. Like I used to feel like I had. Because yeah in the end he proved to be complete trash. But he wasn’t as bad as her, as bad as past exes. And I keep having to fight that feeling and insist upon what I deserve for myself. And then, add this bitch of an excuse for a mother to the top of that pile. A woman who kicks you while you’re down because she’s so incapable of handling her own life - and I feel extra alone. And I have to fight for what I deserve even more.

And I know, I need, want, absolutely deserve, and again need like I need oxygen, to get out. And I need to get out, alone, and stay out, and alone for a good while. Until I heal and learn to love myself. So that whoever I invite in next doesn’t turn into what everyone has turned into so far.

My mother probably sees today as a win of codependency. It’s no coincidence that she turned into a monster the same day she offered to drive me 45 minutes to a doctor appointment. She thinks she successfully abused and gaslighted me. But I just want out that much more. She asked about my diagnostic appointment and said “what if you have to drive over the highway” and I said “Then I guess I have no choice, and I’ve driven an hour avoiding highways so I’m sure I’ll manage finding a way”. I don’t think she’s ready for me saying “fuck it, I don’t need you that badly. I’ll die first”. But I can’t be in a place where I can’t make progress because I’m constantly at the will and whim of someone who thinks and acts like they can’t live without me, and abuses me in an effort to keep me tethered. I come first.

One thing I’m learning in her presence, it’s like a re-up of abuse 101. Watching someone scramble to do everything possible to sabotage me. Watching someone try to reinforce my disability and make me afraid. One of the pluses of understanding my disability is that I know where my fear comes from. It doesn’t. and won’t, come from others anymore. Because I don’t allow it to anymore. I haven’t for a long time. I fought my ex when he tried it. And my own fears that come from me - I’m handling them. Because at the end of the day, this bitch has the same disorders I have. The disorders she refuses to admit to and take responsibility for. The difference is she only copes by turning around and abusing her dependents. I refuse to take part in that. I just keep addressing my own shit so I can get out.

I think me being sick right now. And I mean really painfully sick. I go to sleep at level 9 pain and wake up at level 9 pain and down painkillers every four hours to take the edge off and help the fever. Honestly hopefully tomorrow is at least marginally better so I can depend on tylenol instead because taking stuff this heavy when I’m this emotionally distressed is a recipe for disaster. Anyways I think me being sick right now - she gets off on it with her sick codependency issues. She doesn’t even really support me. Her ego gets something out of it. She’s not really here for me. Doesn’t really care. It’s all always about her. And in the end, I’m still alone. Because being around people who use you - emotionally physically psychologically doesn’t matter which way use is use, that’s the same as if not worse than alone. The void is just.... so much deeper. Wanting someone to be someone to be the loving kind functional person that you deserve and that they aren’t, and watching them actively choose not to be it. That’s a kind of loneliness that 10/10 is always worse than being in solitude. In solitude you have control over every aspect of your surroundings and if you want to have a good day you have a good day, if you want to have a bad day you have a bad day. When you’re around someone this dysfunctional and abusive, you just aren’t allowed that control.

and 10/10 as soon as I get the support or ability, I’m going to be alone, because that’s what I need, on a wholeness level. And she can’t stop me. In fact her behavior encourages me. It doesn’t keep me glued like she wants it too. It does the opposite. Because maybe if she was a supportive loving and not abusive mother, I would have a safe space to recover. Her not giving me that means I need to go out on my own and get it. Nails in the coffin.

I’ve always dreamed of moving away, changing my name, changing my phone number. I don’t think that plan has changed. And she’ll probably bitch about “how much she helped me and how selfish I am”, but, ya know, that’s what gaslighting abusive bitch mothers do. You don’t get to help someone up, and trip them at the same time, and then pretend that they owe you, or that you did them some great favor. That’s not real help. One step foward and one or two steps backwards - might as well drive myself and panic and be in physical pain through the whole thing.

So, in essence this has been a terrible week full of a lot of abuse and trauma and panic and pain and fear. But, idk, I guess I’m learning something from it.

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