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#just a little study from last year :)
meiosys · 2 years
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empty, together
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thebirdandhersong · 6 months
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I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.
#in other words today has been an oddly sad day! discovering that the friends you've made have their own group chats#that are separate from the general group chat (that no one ever talks on) that you aren't a part of is......... i don't know#i KNOW i'm liked by them and i KNOW they love me but do they WANT me around?#like. i know i'm not UNpleasant to have around. i am a good listener and a good conversationalist.#i work very hard at it because it doesn't come naturally to me.#but clearly that's not enough to be added to exclusive group chats! clearly that's not enough to be part of inner core circles#i don't know this just came out of nowhere and i feel as if i've been slapped in the face#sitting at a table where people are talking about the thing someone sent to the group chat#or the photo or quote or reel someone sent to someone else is....... bizarre.#i am trying not to be so hurt by it! i am trying not to take it so personally#it happens. i know it happens. i know it will keep happening. it is just that i thought this was a place where i wouldn't be lonely#and this is the dorm community i've invested so much of my time and energy and love into since last year.#so i think i'm justified in being a little upset!#i'm not crying about it but that's because i'm not about to cry with other people sitting here in the study lounge!#the math is probably really wrong here but i thought that if i poured love in for the sake of pouring love in#somehow somewhere along the line i would also receive love. that i would actually be a part of this community.#anyway that's not going to change how i live here! i committed myself to doing my best this last year#because i don't want anyone to feel left out or unwanted or lonely. i already made the decision#to do everything i can to love the people here.#i'm not trying to toot my horn this is just what i actually want to and have decided to do!#i have birthday cards planned! i have midterm snacks planned!#i've just worked out how i can print christmas and easter cards and stickers!#i'm GOING to love darn it all i'm GOING to pour love in#i think it hurts especially because there's the boy problem going on too#of not being wanted in an area that i DIDN'T expect to be wanted in#and then learning that there is a collective not being wanted in this whole community#it is a Lot and it is very hard and i don't know what to do with it!#i have had this lie (that i'm inherently unloveable and undesirable) in my head since childhood#and i've worked SO HARD to shut that voice up. and it is so so hard to not believe it right now
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ecto-stone · 5 days
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No need to Work up so much Vladdy. Just sit Back and enjoy the absolute chao that about to happen.
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tardis--dreams · 2 months
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You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore
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hjeojeo · 27 days
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okay i set up a simple webpage for pixel commissions information! my current commission site (hjeojeo.com ) was made using Square so I can't really control what size images are displayed so I used one of my own sites to better display the pixel art:
LINK TO MY PIXEL COMM INFORMATION
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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...
#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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matchandelure · 1 year
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for two weeks every four months i become math’s biggest hater, and for the rest of the time im just an average hater (very sad and frustrated)
#officially done half of my finals...just the other half left#and included in that half is...the dreaded calculus ii final exam god im so scared#my eyes are burning my wrist hurts my back aches from sitting in a chair for hours staring at three different screens doing practice#probelms that stopped making sense about. 2 hours ago#i hate differential equations so much why do we need to know these things. like. when will i ever need to know how to integrate by parts#when in life will i ever need to know whether a series converges absolutely conditionally or diverges#when am i ever going to need to understand volumes of revolutions w the stupid washers and shells and GRAAH#im going to be petty tongiht bc i know that this math cant even be considered hard bc its literally just fundamental courses#but im going to let myself be sad bc once i get out the sad and frustrated and mad i can go back to deriving power series of things#and everyone learns and processes things at different rates and its ok if i need to take twice as long to understand a theorem and proof#then a classmate who can understand it just by reading the course notes once. yeah#i actually feel pathetic rn. cant believe a first year math course has me this worked up. just need to get my shit together next study term#and stop complaining over every little thing#actually last little thing i love the ratio test it has done nothing wrong ever i love it so much (i hate the integral test)#limit comparison you are on thin fucking ice. ast you are just behind the ratio test#willows rambling branch
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tobe-sogolden · 10 months
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is this thing still on......
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hella1975 · 2 years
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my godmum who actively supports jk rowling on facebook bringing up radical feminism as an excuse for transphobia: i just think if we're speaking BIOLOGICALLY-
me who did my a-level coursework on the oppression of women and now has a bank of information about simone de beauvoir: im about to rock your world
#basically my godmum is your stereotypically thick local who thinks intellectual debating = who can speak the loudest#lucky for you babygirl i did dance for 7 years and now i waitress and my mum has undiagnosed anger issues! lets tussle!#her: BIOLOGICALLY-#me very calmly: the very basis of feminism was to elevate women from just being lessened to their biology feminists have been fighting#biological essentialism for CENTURIES now i mean just look at simone de beauviour's theories like if you think this is radical feminism#to fight against very old feminist theories and shit on trans people then i PROMISE you there is nothing radical about that#saying all this knowing full well my godmum short circuits at any form of calm-speaking-well-sourced-debate and has no fucking clue#who simone de beauvoir is#my mum does though bc she did a LOT of her studies around feminism and she literally went 🤭🤭🤭#which i thought was progress bc usually it's my MUM i have these little run-ins with#although when my godmum left me and my mum were stood in the kitchen and my sister was upstairs but could very much hear#and we were talking about some political thing or another and my mum went#'i wonder what [godmum's name] would think as someone properly gay'#and i missed it at first but then i was like? PROPERLY? and i couldnt be like 'is that a dig at me'#bc im not out to my sister and she defo would've heard from upstairs#but i was like oh okay we're back to this now that solidarity was fun while it lasted ig#anyway this is all to say i had to sit there while my lesbian godmum tried (and failed) to be transphobic#all the while my ally sister got all passionate and pro-trans even though i know full well she's actually worse than my mum#and it's always me having to argue with BOTH of them AT THE SAME TIME about any sort of gay topic#bc my sister in particular CANNOT behave herself and seems to think it's quirky to have niche opinions#even though 'making life difficult for trans people' is not at all niche or radical#it was so frustrating bc i was like yeah im grateful we're on the same side against my godmum rn but i KNOW how full of shit you are#it was moreso like she was doing it to be politically correct and i was like yeah but in the safety of your home when you think#you can just say anything you do NOT have this energy lmao#just annoying especially being closeted and just having to take it#at least i embarrassed my godmum lol got her stuttering and shit by the end <333
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shamemp3 · 1 year
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sociology and anthropology are everything to me … like they are so broad because they are the study of humans and their lives and interactions and feelings and etc etc and its broad enough that you can have a class about genuinely ANYTHING because sociology is engrained in everything around us…and the message my profs leave us with every time is that the human experience is so unique and dynamic and yet universally there are still so many similarities and connections that keep us bonded together. and these studies make us find bits and pieces in humanity literally everywhere like you can look at a piece of string or like garbage on the floor or be placed into the strangest situations and have the most mundane interactions on the street and you will find yourself going like ‘:] wow humans are so interesting and this world is so interesting. why did this happen what made this person like this?’ like!!! ​i just like how broad this study is and how every class can be abt smth completely different but the main idea will always be about the human experience and connection. i love my major sorry im done now
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mariocki · 10 months
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Infinite list of favourite lyrics: 222/?
John Cale - Dying on the Vine (1985)
"Who could sleep through all that noisy chatter?
The troops, the celebrations in the sun.
The authorities say my papers are all in order
And if I wasn't such a coward
I would run.
I'll see you when all the shooting's over;
Meet me on the other side of town.
Yes, you can bring all your friends along for protection,
It's always nice to have them hanging around.
I was thinking about my mother,
I was thinking about what's mine.
I was living my life like a Hollywood,
But I was dying, dying on the vine."
#favourite lyrics#john cale#dying on the vine#larry sloman#1985#artificial intelligence#coming at a time of intense productivity (recording three albums in a little over a year‚ as well as producing work by former bandmate Nico#and others) as well as professional frustration‚ as his sparse experimental work failed to gain a popular audience‚ Artificial Intelligence#was a sort of last stab at commercial releasing for Cale; returning to a more accessible pop sound characterised by drum machines and synth#overlays‚ Cale worked with a cowriter‚ Sloman‚ to produce typically avant garde music within a more radio friendly framework#the result wasn't particularly successful‚ and afaik this first single from the album didn't even chart here in the uk#a pity‚ because I'd count it among his very best works (and I'm not alone; the song has had a slow reappraisal and is now generally#considered one of his finest of this era). a despondent‚ gloomy study of one man's annihilation‚ draped in several layers of allegory;#the vine can be read as a fairly literal metaphor (fruit left too long without harvest spoiling)‚ or as a reference to his then home on the#intersection between hollywood blvd and vine street in LA‚ a then rundown area rife with drug abuse and criminal activity; or as a nod to#Cale's struggles with alcoholism in this period (as well as a cocaine habit; his daughter was born soon after the release of this album‚ as#a result of which he retreated from the music business for a while and kicked his addictions).#some have pointed to the quoted verse‚ apparently about an authoritarian state‚ as being inspired by Cale's love of the literature of#Graham Greene‚ and there are some other parallels earlier in the song; mostly tho this is about a moment of crisis‚ of Cale at rock bottom#surveying where he was at in his life at that point and realising he needs to change (just as possible to read the authoritarian state as#every day life‚ with the troops regular people living their noisy lives around him and Cale's temptation to 'run' as a metaphor for suicide#who knows. whatever he's saying‚ there's an awful‚ beautiful melancholy to the near lilt in his voice as he ponders 'I was thinking#about my mother..' an incredible work from an under appreciated artist who‚ happily‚ beat his demons and stayed sober
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mayonaka-sunshine · 1 year
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sometimes i look at things i write and i go "huh. my mental illness is showing"
#vent in tags#<- just to be safe idk what counts tbh lmao#GIRL WHY DID I CRY ABOUT SOMEONE CALLING A SONG FROM TWEWY MID FOR AN ENTIRE DAY??????#why do i keep comparing myself to a houseplant that dies when things go A Little Wrong??????????#hm. maybe i do need to get myself evaluated...#i need to get my eyes checked and go see a psych but i! am incapable! yay! <- knows getting a diagnosis can and probably will make my life#much harder#pls at least let me see if my eyes r fucked or if i am. pls.#optometrists aren't that expensive but it's bad to go alone i think :(#im glad people worry about me but at the same time it makes me wanna die bc like...... no.....#i should not be burdening others with my issues... ya'll have your own lives and issues....#bleh. subjecting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known sucks#i think its kinda funny that my internet friends always know more about me than my own parents...#but it's not like my parents ever take an interest in me anyway lmao#when i said i wanted to study jp i only got a very sarcastic 'good luck' like... i was at least hoping they might offer to buy me something#to study off of... but they like never take an interest in me anyway lmao#they weren't even here for my birthday. and made plans over new years without me knowing#i only learned when i asked to go see my family for new years bc they hold a celebration and this might be the last time i can go#for like... 4 years. and i don't think i can take myself bc the route is over very windy mountain roads :(#and i... do not trust myself that much in the car... and it hurts me to drive even the 10 mins to and from school sometimes...#my knee and ankle get stiff and my hip starts to hurt... its bad :(#it sucks tho i miss my family i'm lucky if i see them once a year... but its not like the adults give a shit.#sighhhhhhhhhhh. ugh. my life isn't even that bad by a lot of standards so i feel shitty for whining about it#like yeah my parents don't really care about me but at least they feed me and haven't hit me since i was little?#idk man. i should stop talking i think.
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poliodeuces · 1 year
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can't believe i never posted this here
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oatbugs · 1 year
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non-zero amount of swans and a non-zero amount of lakes.
#pretty pretty day#red leaves turning yellow the sun is so bright the breeze isnt too cold#i get to walk past all my friends houses on my way to a really cute study cafe . walk past a bubble tea place walk through tree lined#streets . sun against my friends window so i cant see if she could see me. today there was a double rainbow#in the sky from misty rain. so many squirrels and birds and rabbits and deer#i have a deadline soon and im massively behind bc im lucky enough to be able to do too much. need to#write an essay and do maths problem sets. smile + wave at ppl you know. last night i met a rly cute girl#and i dont think its gonna go anywhere but ill think abt her from time to time from now on#there is someone in front of me with bright blue hair. someone with their knuckles wrapped in bandages. two boys holding hands.#today people are dying but it is the 40th day of her death which means it is the 40th day of the revolution which is the 40th day of#not giving up. meanwhile the sun casts halos on a the wings of a magpie + a fresh pomegrante waits in the kitchen.#i have freshly cut watermelons in my fridge. there are so many flowers here. there are swans in the lakes.#my hair is a mess in the wind and forgetting a lot of things. my vision is declining and so i must remember the definition of leaves#before it's too late. one thing determinate from the other.#water reflects red. there are two girls feeding the birds. so many pretty people running into the same building.#youre cut from a different cloth. you especially are cut from silk.#you hate philosophy for its messy discourse and love maths for the clear consesus it produces. i only feel a little guilty#for laughing at that. last year two professors in functional analysis fought on blackboards until it became a team sport. a paper agains#a paper against. a paper against the paper for the against. on the walls for st joseph of cupertino we both pray for some mercy. offer up#some beautiful quantifier and i will drown inside it. break fresh chalk just for you.
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yaoicoreren · 1 year
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failed ventures into digital painting
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silverandebony · 1 year
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#today i started thr math 31 course again (i did it previously in high school but now i'm upgrading to hopefully get a better mark)#and while doing the preview/review questions i was like ah! i will listen to music! so i pulled up the wolf 359 soundtrack because that's#what i have on my phone! and that was a mistake#i listened to wolf 359 pod a ton while studying for the math 31 final so having that association again obvioisly pulled up memories#and i fucking miss my friend so much#we were in math 31 together (it was literally our Only class together the whole time we were in high school) amd so we hung out while#studying! and i listened to wolf 359 while studying! and now starting it again and listening to wolf 359 music is like#friend where are you you are supposed to be here with me#between not seeing each other in school every day anymore and the pandemic and them moving to bc with their partner and#both of us being adhd we fell out of touch even though we were each other's best friend#the last time i saw them in person was christmas a year or too ago when we were able to sit and talk for a bit and exchange presents#we couldn't even hug because we were both concerned about covid. my family doesn't really do touch so thr last time i got to hug someone#was when i went to visit my friend thr february before the pandemic hit#and i mean we kept in touch for a little ehile but thrn we both fell off and were slow to respond to each other when we Did message#the last time we did more than one consecutive message to each other it was so... weird. they spoke like i was any regular person#not... me; in a way if that makes sense. like there was a sense of distence that'd never been there before#this christmas and their birthday i've wished them happy holidays and birthday and those they responded to but neither of us took#it farther; i messaged them today asking if they would be interested in us setting up a time to talk and catch up again and i haven't#heard back from them yet#i just miss them so fucking much#and i'm terrified i've lost them#i hope they're as healthy and happy as they can be wherever they are and whoever they're with#but i just want to talk normally with them and catch up and be friends like we were#i want that so fucking badly#a you're not going to see this because you're not on tumblr or at least you weren't before and you don't follow me#but i love you so much and i miss you and i hope you're well#i want things to be normal again. i want to be able to go visit you and not have to worry about covid. i want to have never fallen out#of touch with you. i want to tell you about all the new things in my life and hear you tell me the new things in yours#i want you to take the time in the middle.of your anniversary dinner to call me to ask about thr long term effects of cannibalism just like#you did before. i want to be able to spend time just existing in thr same room as you. i love you. i love you. i love you.
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