Vampires vs Werewolves, ft. Joe Hill, @victoriocity, Aliette de Bodard, Ben Aaronovitch, Oraine Johnson, Garth Nix, @sarah-hawley and @jonnywaistcoat prevaricating like he knows any answer will be used against him in the future.
King: i can't believe elon's grok is pretending i'm friends with him
King: i need to stop that AI before everyone believes it!
King: i've got to hire a hacker
King: franz, you've got to help me
Franz Kafka: what? me?
Barker: steve, no
Kafka: i'm not a hacker
King: oh i thought franz was a hacker
Barker: what gave you THAT impression?
King: you know, with the cat ear headphones and the striped thigh socks
Barker: no steve that's something ENTIRELY different
Kafka: n-no it isn't, on second thought yes I'm totally a hacker
Kafka: it means i'm a hacker, nothing else
Barker: sure franz
Kafka: it does! it totally means i'm a hacker!
Barker: franz, go play with your blahaj plush, the adults are talking here
Barker: you know who you need? you need william gibson
Barker: the best hacker money can buy
King: william gibson? how do i contact him?
Barker: you don't
Barker: he'll contact you
King: can you really hack grok, william?
William Gibson: [wearing black duster and fingerless black gloves] my hacker name is shadow gigabyte
King: oh sorry
Gibson: can i hack grok? listen kid i was cyberbyting the megabyte mainframe when you were just rebooting your motherboard mouse data bandwidth modem email
King: wow!
Gibson: my CPU is a neural net processer, a learning computer
King: wow he really sounds like he knows what he's talking about!
King: that definitely sounds like hacker talk to me
Gibson: CD Rom
Gibson: internet
Joe Hill: dad can i talk to you for a second
King: not now joe daddy's hiring a hacker
Gibson: [wildly slapping keyboard] i'll re-index the mega bit blaster cyber codex
Gibson: [wildly slapping keyboard] now we'll cybersecurity the lock box data center
King: hey what happens if you push that button?
Gibson: what the-- no!!
[klaxons sound]
King: what's that mean?
Gibson: shit
Gibson: we've got company
Gibson: sentient cyber virus electronic guard cyberbots
Gibson: real high tech
Gibson: state of the art in bio-tech wetware neural-data scrapers
Gibson: [putting on sunglasses with red laser scope] and they ain't friendly
King: what are we going to do?!
Gibson: kid, you keep your hands to yourself unless you wanna become roadkill on the information super highway!!!
Gibson: hold on to your CPU (central processing unit)!!!
Gibson: [wildly slapping keyboard] gotta reconfigure the darkweb logistics for ethernet wavetech
Gibson: [wildly slapping keyboard] upload the memory downloader for dumpware backup
Gibson: [wildly slapping keyboard] uncodify the cyberpatch modifer aaaaand
Gibson: i'm in
King: wow, you hacked twitter?? how did you do it?
Gibson: the greatest hackers never reveal their secrets
[earlier]
Gibson: [wearing fake mustache] hey elon its me catturd
Gibson: could you give me your password?
Elon Musk: sure it's "picklerick420"!
That's right baybeeee - ten years after it first launched, Gollanczfest is back and it's bigger than ever!
WHEN?
16th March 2024
Leonardo Royal Hotel, London
Tickets go on sale Friday 6th October at 10am UK time!
Early presale for tickets available exclusively to our newsletter subscribers
WHO?
Our headliner? Only VICTORIA AVEYARD
Other confirmed authors: Joe Abercrombie, Natasha Pulley, Garth Nix, Dhonielle Clayton, Joe Hill, Ben Aaronovitch, @joannechocolat, Aliette de Bodard, Sarah Hawley, @jonnywaistcoat, Esmie Jikiemi-Pearson . . . and MANY more
Plus: YOU
PLUS
All tickets come with a goodie bag full of Gollancz goodies work at least £30
VIP tickets are available with access to the green room, priority tickets to panels, and additional goodies
FREE SFF quiz run by the greatest quizmasters (allegedly, this may be a title they've claimed themselves and I cannot verify) Joe Abercrombie and Garth Nix!
We'll be announcing panels soon, but this is going to be a fun, friendly and festive day, full of nerdery, excitement and probably a lot of harried looking Gollancz staff stuffing their faces with sandwiches and trying to find where distracted authors have wandered off to.
Sam Richard: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the cartoon with a satanic grimoire in it
King: see, that's why we don't let dean watch tv
Richard: oh you shouldn't do that
Richard: kids gotta be free to explore
Koontz: you guys stop talking about me like i'm not here
King: dean it's for your own good
Koontz: stop it! i'm not just some little kid!
King: i don't know where he gets this
King: he's been so willful lately
King: he's been hanging out with that grady hendrix kid too much
King: a bad influence if you ask me
Grady Hendrix: [jumping sick flip on skateboard]
Koontz: wowwwww
Hendrix: hey dean you wanna hang out behind the school and put on some sunglasses
Koontz: i
Koontz: i don't think i'm supposed to do that
Hendrix: what's the matter dean? you chicken?
Koontz: no! I'm not chicken!
Hendrix: all the cool kids are doing it
Koontz: what??
Koontz: well if all the cool kids are doing it, it can't be wrong
Hendrix: the first pair is free
Koontz: [wearing sunglasses] hey guys
King: Dean Raymond Koontz!! What is THAT on your face?
Koontz: nothin'
King: are you wearing sunglasses?
Koontz:
Koontz: maybe
King: well you can take those off right now mister
Koontz: you can't make me
Koontz: you're not my dad!
King: that's RIGHT, dean
King: because my boy joe would NEVER do something this irresponsible
King: my boy joe is good as gold!
Joe Hill: dad please stop
Barker: pfft c'mon steve let him live a little
King: this might not seem like a big deal to you clive
King: but today it's sunglasses
King: tomorrow it's a leather jacket!
Koontz: neil gaiman wore a leather jacket in his author photo
King: that's different
King: he's an adult
King: leather jackets can be worn in moderation by responsible adults
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Barker: go ahead dean show mary your new look
Koontz: [wearing sunglasses]
Shelley:
Shelley: ahahahaha
Shelley: fucking hell yeah
Koontz: [wearing sunglasses] watch out everyone i'm a real no goodnik
Koontz: so you better watch out!!
Koontz: i'm one bad banana!!
Shelley: ha ha oh my god
Shelley: did you teach him to say that
Barker: no he just came up with it himself!
Shelley: ha ha that's wild
Barker: i know right??
Funko will release The Black Phone Pop figures in January. Three version of The Grabber - standard, chase variant, and alternate bloody outfit - are up for pre-order for $12 each.
loved the black phone bc the cops literally did not do shit the entire thing. They relied on a possibly psychic child to solve a serial killer case while her brother and his ghost squad home alone'd the killer to death