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#jhope angst
back2bluesidex · 2 days
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Incognito - JHS (WDBHG Drabble)
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A Where Do Broken Hearts Go Drabble
Pairing: Hoseok X Fem!Reader X Jungkook
Wordcount: 1k+
Summary: Hoseok is curious about the guy who left you behind. So, he goes incognito.
Warnings: drinking!
Minors are not allowed in this blog!!
A/N: This takes place after chapter 4 and before chapter 5
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Try as he might - Hoseok can’t think of anything else other than your lips, which he was about to kiss. 
He doesn’t know what had possessed him earlier tonight but he really regrets it. He had been trying hard not to look at you for the better part of the day. But he failed 
As if he hasn’t sold himself as a creep by continuously ogling his daughter’s therapist, that he had to lean down and almost kiss you. 
Thank god Sua woke up and stopped him, otherwise things might have changed from the next session and he doesn’t want that. Not only Sua but also he have been forming a genuine relationship with someone for the first time in all these years, he doesn’t wanna fuck things up now. Even though you seemed ready for him to take you over.
He pours a good amount of Hibiki in his fancy diamond cut glass. Looking at the liquid he sighs, he thinks to himself of the countless identical nights that he has been spending locking himself up in his study after putting Sua to sleep. 
He could have called Mina tonight. She is always ready and one call away. But somehow Hoseok feels greatly turned off by the idea. 
He almost had a taste of you, he almost put his mouth on yours and lord, he can still somehow smell your sweet subtle vanilla scent in the air. How the fuck he can think of anyone else when you were ready to jump in his arms just an an hour ago? 
He groans at the thought. 
What is this feeling of confusion? Why does he want you but is grateful that things didn’t escalate? 
The whiskey burns at the back of his throat but does nothing to take away the troubled thoughts he has been having. 
Then something ticks in his mind. 
“Jungkoo-?” he murmurs to himself. You didn’t say the full name but this jungkoo person has to be the ex boyfriend that supposedly fell out of love with you. 
And suddenly Hoseok is curious. He wants to see the face of this idiot who let you go. He wants to see the person who broke you and whom you still probably love. Whom you probably thought of while he was about to kiss you. 
He takes a big gulp from the glass and walks towards his desk. Settling down in the huge chair he opens his laptop, taps on the browser and goes into incognito mode. Typing a specific address and agreeing on using the site on guest mode, he filters out the search criteria. 
Location: Seoul,  Gender: Male,  Age: he thinks hard about it. You don’t seem like the type to go for very older or very younger guys. Given the fact that you are still under 30, he selects the age bar from 20 to 35.  Name: Jungko
Enter. 
There are 5 results that pop up: 
Jeon Jung Kook 
Shin Jung Kook 
Kim Jeong Gguk 
Kim Jeong Guen 
Lee Jung Min 
It’s good that your ex-boyfriend has a distinct name, it makes it easy to find him. The website showed him the most relevant results, so there are 5. But he knows which two he has to work with. 
So, he clicks on the first profile: 
Name: Jeon Jung Kook
Age: 28 
Occupation: Modeling 
Address: Unknown 
Email ID: Unknown 
Website: www.goldenstudios.kr  
Hoseok frowns at that. He has been using this people finder tool for the better part of his career but this ‘website’ section is added only on special cases. Either this jungkook guy is a bigshot or a celebrity. And he doubts if you settle for those types. 
But he clicks on the link regardless. 
His breath hitches upon seeing Jungkook’s face. He is the Calvin Klein model, whose face is in every possible billboard? 
Jesus. Is he really Y/N’s ex? He thinks to himself as he scrolls down the page. 
He can be wrong as well. There is another guy with the same name, so yeah. And he doesn’t really think you would have the mind to put up with a celebrity for three years. 
But something keeps him from exiting the page. He clicks on the instagram icon that is added at the end of Jungkook's bio. 
When the instagram opens, the first thing he tries is to look for your face but he finds none. Then he clicks on a random post and starts scrolling. 
Hoseok stumbles upon a post from a month ago. In the picture a pretty lady is hugging Jungkook tightly. As Jungkook lovingly wraps up her waist with one of his hands, laying his head on the top of her head. There are no captions but a ton of congratulations in the comments. 
So, this guy is already committed. 
Hoseok thinks of the likeliness of this guy being your ex. You said he broke up with you but didn’t mention when. Given the fact that your wounds are still fresh, it might haven’t been that long. And this guy just got into a relationship a month ago. So, he can very well be the Jungkook you were talking about. 
However, still, you dating a celebrity doesn’t sit right with Hoseok. So he decides to exit instagram and investigate the other guy. 
Before exiting, though, he decides to tap on the profile picture to view the recent stories. 
There is a picture of Jungkook, with another strikingly beautiful guy inside a condo. The caption says “happy birthday @j.m” with a tagged location. 
And.. it is the same location Hoseok picked you up from today. You also mentioned visiting a friend just before the session. 
Hoseok’s eyes narrow at the screen as he takes a better look at Jungkook’s face. 
“So you left Y/N for the girl in the photo, huh?” He talks to the screen as if Jungkook can hear him. 
“What an idiot you are, Jeon Jungkook.” Hoseok takes a swig from his glass making a silent promise of making you forget your ex.  
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Taglist 1:-
@phenomenalgirl9 @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @sukunabitch @chimchimmarie @coffeedepressionsoup @meowstake @vonvi-blog @nochuel @xjoonchildx @justmewondering-recs @cuteipat @miakey98 @purpleanchorcrown @chimmisbae @ane102 @junniesoleilkth @terjeonbebas @kookssecret @appleh4ad @kayleeshinee @whoa-jo @definetlythinkimanalien @lovelgirl22 @agrika
Taglist 2:-
@llallaaa @mikrokookiex @parkinglot-nights @hiqhkey @diamonddia-mond @00frenchfries00 @koalasandcuddles @superchamchi88 @ttanniett @coralmusicblaze @multiasf @kookscumrag @sumzysworld @knjjjk @xtrataerrestrial @survivalistghost @kelsyx33 @aann95 @btsffreader92 @jjk174 @dragonflygurl4 @xwniazx
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bts-roses · 2 months
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Hopelessly Romantic
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summary - You used to say that a little romanticising never hurt anyone, turns out you were wrong. So wrong. (Unless...?)
pairing - Hoseok x reader
genre - university!au, fluff, a little angst, crushing & pining <3
word count - 7.4k
warnings - swearing :o, y/n goes through serious introspection, y/n goes through it
You always loved romance and love. You loved when your friend finally revealed his feelings to his crush after endless (and progressively annoying) pining for each other. You love when you see your regulars have their weekly Sunday date night at the restaurant you work at (you also love their tips). You love when couples share an umbrella when walking in the rain. Heck, you even love the socks with the tiny magnetic arms that when you stand next to someone with the same socks they hold hands! Like! Who cares if they are just inanimate socks? (They are holding hands!) You just love love!
Okay, so your friends/housemates might make fun of you for it. They might roll their eyes when you fawn over some minor interaction between two strangers in the street or when you dote on something slightly romantic that your professor said about his wife. Some of your friends may say you are overoptimistic. Or as Yoongi would call it: unrealistic.
But, you would argue that a little romanticising never hurt anyone! Can it be annoying sometimes? Yes! Do your friends have to mentally prepare themselves before confiding in you about anything to do with their romantic life? 100%! Can your romanticisation border on delusional? I mean, maybe sometimes? Or as Yoongi would say: all the time.
It's a little running joke in your friendship group that little Y/n is a little hopeless romantic who would even romanticise two street rats eating rotting food in a dumpster together (but also that is kind of cute, like they live in awful conditions but they still stay together?!).
So maybe that's why you keep your crush on a certain man in your class a secret. Or as you would say (then giggle and hide your face into your pillow), your secret.
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You would admit that the sole reason that gets you out of bed for your Monday 9am lecture is the fact you can spend an hour glancing at the most perfect side profile to ever bless planet earth (oh, and sometimes the cute stories your professor reveals about his wife).
After 5 months of this class, you have perfected the routine to get the most out of this one hour experience. First, you (struggle to) get up at 7am. Then, do all your business and get clean. Then, you agonisingly choose your best outfit that is both (a) comfortable for an annoyingly early lecture and (b) also cute so that when he looks over to you, he thinks woah this hot babe knocks it out the park every time with their insanely cool yet effortless look like woah I need to propose or whatever. Then, you (maybe too excitedly) stroll to your lecture and get there with (and this is very important) exactly 4 minutes before the lecture begins. This is because exactly 5 minutes before the lecture begins, a certain someone (cue you giggling and hiding your face) finds a seat in the lecture hall. And that means you can choose the optimal seating position to be able to have sneaky glances at the most beautiful face you have ever laid your eyes upon (in a not creepy way). The said optimal seating position is around 1 or 2 rows behind and a good ten seats on either side of him. Both effective and not suspicious at all.
If they knew, your friends would call you crazy. Or as Yoongi would say: this would actually be great evidentiary support for a restraining order. But you swear if they have ever seen this man, they would be doing the exact same thing. You would also argue that you are not the only one who does this! Two weeks ago you noticed that a girl, who sat 5 rows in front of you (so 3 rows in front of him), spent most of the lecture staring at the man and it was very obvious. Clearly, someone needs to get an optimal seating position! And just a month ago, after the man answered one of the professor's questions, a group of people let out a very audible tee-hee at how unbelievably attractive his face was.
And, my God, what a face.
It's otherworldly and beautiful. And that side profile? His perfect nose? His heart-shaped lips? His amazing jawline? His somehow always sparkly eyes? And his kissable cheekbones that protrude a bit more when he bursts out into the most bright and breath-taking smile? Stunning.
It's even more stunning when it's directed at you. Tee-hee.
Plot twist! You aren't one to brag (you are going to fully brag). But there have been a few instances where your glances are requited.
Now it's time to replay them in excruciating detail!
The first time it happened, you were mid-sentence in typing some notes on the lecture slides when you habitually glanced over to Mr. Beautiful man. But when you look up, you find yourself already caught in the depths of his gaze. You nearly choked on the air at the realisation that this man was looking at you with his sparkling eyes that seemed to hold a playful glint within them and a soft smile tugged at the corner of his lips. For a heartbeat, time seemed to still as you held his gaze, and in that fleeting moment, you swear you felt a connection, a spark that made you bashfully look back to the lecture slides.
Another time this happened was when your professor was talking about the story of how he wooed his wife (every time he saw her, he pretended to trip over something so she would always remember him). You couldn't help but to accidentally let out a laugh louder than the rest of the class. But before you could cringe at yourself for the way your chuckle echoed around the room, you found yourself locking eyes with him, whose smile widened as your eyes met. You felt a warmth spread through you, as if his smile was meant for only you, and you couldn't help but smile back as he turned his head back around to the professor.
Not only that, but (not bragging at all) you have spoken to him a good two times.
Plot twist again!
He actually definitely knows who you are!
It's time to recount these events in even more excruciating detail!
1.
The first time he spoke to you was in the second week of the semester and it was also the first time you ever noticed him. As everyone stood up to pack their bags, you noticed that the person in front of you had left his water bottle behind on his desk. Noting the back of the man already half-way down the stairs, you grab the metal bottle and try to dash out of the lecture hall, scanning the corridor for any sign of him. Finally spotting him nearly walking out of the building, you hurried to catch up to him. As he opened the door, you shouted an 'excuse me' to the man.
As if it was in slow motion, he turned around and you don't know if you were hallucinating, but you swear you were nearly swept off your feet (it may have been the strong wind that the opening door let in). That was the first time you were graced with the most beautiful face you have ever seen, as he looked at you surprised and confused with his soft-looking hair flowing with the breeze.
You stutter at the sight of him, briefly forgetting why you even chased after him in the first place.
"O-oh, you forgot your bottle." You bashfully state, lifting the bottle towards him.
You look up at him (sigh he's tall) and you actually feel your heart stop when his lips curve into the most heart warming smile.
"Wow, thanks a lot", he gratefully says, taking back his bottle, "I'm Hoseok, by the way."
Hoseok.
You mirror his smile and try to not turn red as you reply "Y/n."
"Nice to meet you! Thanks again." He coolly says before continuing on his way.
He leaves you windswept and heart-stricken in the middle of the doorway.
(You quickly break out of it when annoyed students try to squeeze and push past you taking up the whole exit).
2.
The second time you converse with the man was 3 months after. And after a few exchanged glances, you're confident in saying that your attraction to this man has exponentially grown to unfathomable amounts.
You can safely say that you think you have a serious crush on this man.
This man being Hoseok. Because that's his name and he told you himself (tee-hee).
When you arrive at the lecture hall, you are greeted with an unfamiliar sight: people waiting outside of the room. When you walk up, you see the familiar faces you regularly see standing around and you deduce that the room must be locked (sometimes security forgets to unlock the lecture halls in the morning). As you lean against the wall and look down at your phone, you are surprised by the sudden voice next to you.
"This feels so weird standing around."
You look up and unconsciously let a smitten smile smother your face at Hoseok (tee-hee <3) next to you. You let yourself gaze at his breath-taking face for a moment. You feel your heart start racing again, as you stumble over what words to say.
"Yeah definitely, I'm so used to just sitting down before the professor gets here."
He glances at you, surprised you replied. In that moment you realise: he was talking to himself. That's awkward.
"No, yeah, I like to prep myself before a 9am lecture. I'm just wondering, who schedules 9am lectures on a Monday?" He light-heartedly comments, offering you one of his sweet smiles.
"You and me both, Hoseok. I'm wondering the same thing", you shyly respond, your smitten smile slightly burning your cheeks. Omg this is the longest conversation you have had with him!
You watch as his brows furrowed in confusion and his perfectly shaped head tilt to the side a bit. He lets out a bashful smile.
"Sorry, have we met before?" He lets out an embarrassed laugh and continues when you mirror his confusion, "You know my name?"
Oh...
You feel your heart sink a bit (a lot) and your lips move into a self-conscious smile. He doesn't remember you.
"Oh... Yeah we met briefly before." You look down, trying to cover your disappointment, "It was like at the beginning of the year so..."
You're surprised you can hear the sounds of people shuffling to move into the now unlocked lecture hall over the volume of how embarrassing this situation was. You both slowly trail behind the rest of the class into the room.
"Right, sorry, sometimes my memory is not the best!" Hoseok quickly reassures you, his tone devoid of any awkwardness, "What was your name again?"
It should be embarrassing at how quickly your mood elevated under his interest in knowing your name.
"I'm Y/n", you beam.
"Y/n", Hoseok says, more to himself, "I promise I won't forget next time".
He gives you another smile and a playful poke to your cheek, which makes you feel like the only one in the room, as he strides up to claim an empty seat. You feel yourself float up to your OSP (optimal seating position), unable to stop smiling from the brief exchange.
"I promise I won't forget next time"
Tee-hee, you have promises. And he touched your cheek! Tee-hee.
You spent the whole lecture divulging in the potential possibility that your crush might not be one-sided.
Tee-hee.
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So here you are, five months deep in being the strongest trooper in your secret infatuation with this stunning man. You can’t help but give yourself a mental pat on the back for successfully keeping your mouth shut about it.
The pat on the back becomes even more vigorous when you manage to maintain your composure every time you spot him around campus, which has strangely been frequently lately. Surprisingly, this increase in sightings had nothing to do with you and everything to do with Yoongi.
You’ve been on high alert around Yoongi ever since he casually mentioned that he had a crush on someone in his classes. However, knowing you and your nature, he refused to divulge any details, nevermind the identity of the crush. It stung a little (okay, maybe more than a little) when he brushed you off, but you totally get it. After all, out of everyone, Yoongi was never the one to entertain your romanticising shit and especially not your meddling ways. Yet, there were instances where you could work out the object of Yoongi’s affections:
When Yoongi, out of nowhere, wanted to start sitting outside for lunch, near a particular group of friends (even though he hates sitting too long in the sun).
When Yoongi insisted you accompany him to watch the musical theatre society's dance practice (even though he was the conductor and didn’t really need to be there).
When Yoongi dragged you along to the dance society's performances, under the guise of "oh, I like the music" (not that you're complaining because Hoseok is also a part of that society tee-hee).
The common factor?: Jimin.
You couldn't blame Yoongi: Jimin was undeniably a sight to behold. And he is so lovely! One time your bag got stuck in the library’s revolving doors and you spent a good 5 minutes panickedly running in circles before Jimin stopped the whole crowd to come rescue you <3 (you never really talk about it because the situation actually made you want to curl up and never see the sun again). And every time Yoongi tries (emphasis on tries) to casually talk about Jimin, a cute little blush paints your friend's face, which makes you <3. And every time you see Jimin's smile it makes you, and the rest of the population just <3. And every time Yoongi sees Jimin from afar, you swear you can see the hearts jump out of his eyes <3.
The man wasn’t exactly subtle.
You also should thank Yoongi (and the gods) as Jimin is friends with Hoseok, meaning every lunch you could discreetly sneak glances at him, his perfect smile, his contagious laugh, the way his whole body would light up as he animatedly recounted a funny story to his friends and-
Anyways, since you were constantly looking that way, you, being the ever-vigilant detective, also noticed that someone else was also sneaking peeks at someone. That someone sneaking peeks being Jimin and the someone receiving said glances being Yoongi. Hee-hee. Jimin totally has a crush on Yoongi. And Yoongi totally has a crush on Jimin. They both totally have a crush on each other!
Even though you tried your best to not meddle, you just couldn’t resist. Much to Yoongi’s annoyance, you proceeded to bombard your friend with retellings of every single occurrence that Jimin so much breathed in his way in, of course, excruciating detail. You insisted for your friend to ask him on a date or confess or do anything, but only if he wanted to, of course.
You only seized your pestering when Yoongi finally grumbles a quiet “fine”. You also decided to seize any teasing of the growing excited smile on his face.
And so, it was on the fateful Thursday before Valentine’s Day week (which was just the heart-shaped cherry on top) Yoongi shyly asked Jimin on a date… And he said yes.
:) 
Apparently the date went really, really well :) So well that since they had known each other for a while, Jimin thought it only fitting to ask Yoongi if they could be boyfriends :) To which your friend broke out in his signature gummy smile and said yes :) Yoongi got a Valentine’s :) Yoongi, Mr. Stop-being-annoying-with-love-Y/n, was about to be annoying with love :)
-
The weekend anticipation for Monday was nearly unbearable. Not only did it promise the chance to catch up with Yoongi and extract every detail about the date - how did Jimin pop the question, Yoongi’s response to the question, Jimin’s response to Yoongi’s response to the question, etc. - but there was also the added excitement of Yoongi suggesting that the two friend groups sit together. One friend group including you and one friendship group including Hoseok. Tee-hee.
But when the clock struck 7am, you woke up with an odd feeling.
Something had felt off the previous day too, almost as if the world shifted its axis. Firstly, when your regular couple arrived at the restaurant, only half of them sat down at their usual table. The man sat alone, tears streaming down his face as he ordered his usual sirloin steak, nearly choking up as he had to stop himself from ordering his partner’s usual vegan burger. Or should you say, ex-partner… Turns out they weren’t the happy couple you saw them to be, they were actually going through a divorce. Instead of going home at closing time, you found yourself awkwardly comforting the man (i.e., stiffly patting his shoulder) as he worryingly wailed loudly into the table while you tried to find a way to ethically and morally make him pay the bill (though, he did leave his most generous tip ever, but you guess it's likely because the bill was half its usual price). Your heart couldn’t help to ache as you saw him braving the rain without an umbrella, all by himself.
You would be lying if you said that the couple’s breakup didn’t affect you in any way, you couldn’t shake off the weird feeling it gave you. You swore, every time you served them, they were a couple madly in-love, did you really misread the whole situation?
As you walked through campus on your way to the lecture, you tried to not think about the couple and you tried to distract yourself from the strange feeling, reminding yourself of the excitement of today. Today was the day you could finally talk to Hoseok (cue you giggling and hiding your face). You could finally get to know him beyond what you see in the lectures, beyond the brief mentions about him in passing conversations with Yoongi, beyond his dance performances, beyond your fleeting exchanged glances. You finally will know Hoseok as a friend, or maybe something more (tee-hee). 
Just before you start to daydream (or as Yoongi would say: delude) about the potential conversations with Hoseok. You feel yourself still at the shattering sound beneath your feet. When you look down, you feel that odd feeling creep throughout your body; you accidentally crushed a pair of glasses on the ground. You don’t know why you remain staring at the broken lens (you also realise they are one of those expensive Ray Bans - yikes sorry to the owner). After you stood there for what felt like an eternity, it hit you why they look odd: they were rose-tinted glasses. 
You just broke a pair of rose-tinted glasses.
Huh.
The distraction caused you to arrive 2 minutes late for the lecture, having to sit on one of the only available seats right at the front of the lecture hall (no OSP today guys). Much to your sadness, this meant you were not able to sneak any glances at the man and his beautiful side profile. :(
Maybe it was the fact you didn’t have Hoseok to distract you or maybe it was the strange feeling that made you really listen to your professor without your usual optimistic bias. But you finally realise how lowkey (highkey) misogynistic your professor was about his wife.
“Now, as an example of positive reinforcement, I can’t help but talk about a perfect one from my own experiences. I’ve talked about my endless efforts to win my lovely wife over, the gestures, the flowers, the compliments. But now that I’ve won her heart, she associates me with all that lovey-dovey stuff so I don't need to do any of that anymore! Like, why bother doing anything extra when she’s already fulfilling her role and doing all my laundry? This type of conditioning gets you an endless supply of clean underwear! Or is that too problematic to say these days? Am I going to get cancelled?” Your professor laughs.
You feel your mouth gape in pure shock (and cringe), as your ears pick up the awkward and fake laughs throughout the lecture hall.
Huh. That wasn’t very romantic.
The professor continues on and leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth. That strange feeling intensifies throughout you for the rest of the hour and carries on until lunch.
As you joined the group of people, you took a seat and offered smiles in response to everyone’s greetings. You noticed Hoseok had not arrived yet, and you tried not to react when you heard Namjoon, one of Jimin’s friends, complaining about his professor holding Hoseok back. From the 15 minutes you spend sitting with them, you deduce that Jimin’s friends are really nice: Namjoon was particularly endearing and Taehyung was charmingly entertaining. If it weren’t for the strange feeling nagging at you, you’d be more talkative, but instead, you could only muster occasional contributions to the conversation.
Feeling a nudge from your friend Molly next to you, you turned to her as she quietly asked if you were okay, worried because of your unusual silence. You quickly offer an excuse about stress from your group presentation and she nods, not entirely convinced. You also feel a brief comforting squeeze from your other friend, Lia, beside you. However, they both know you well enough to know that they shouldn’t press anything further. You meekly look around the table and you notice Yoongi already looking at you, a hint of concern forming on his face. You tried to reassure him with a big smile to indicate you are perfectly fine, but you could tell he wasn’t convinced. Curse your friends and their perceptiveness. But before he could press further, Jimin, being the angel that he is, distracts him with something funny on his phone, and you find yourself zoning out of the conversation.
“Well, I thought the movie was very good!” Taehyung argues.
“Of course you would think that movie was good, Tae,” Namjoon scoffs, “It was right up your hipster alley, a failed attempt at a romance movie disguised by some weird, unconventional filming techniques.”
Your attention snapped back when Taehyung gasped loudly.
“Failed attempt?” Taehyung repeats with disbelief, “I’ll have you know, that movie was the epitome of romance!”
“Tae, the most romantic thing about that movie was that it was caring enough to only put us through 1 hour of it,” Namjoon deadpans.
Chuckling spread around the table, leaving you a bit confused. You don’t even know what movie they’re talking about.
“Don’t talk about romance in front of Y/n guys” Lia teases, “We won’t hear the end of it, especially so close to Valentine’s day.”
Suddenly, all the attention is on you, your friends fondly looking at you, ready for your usual response. Normally, you’d play along and potentially bond with Taehyung over whatever movie this is. But instead, you stutter, unsure on how to respond.
“Well-” You start, before being interrupted.
“Oh my god, hey guys”, you hear from behind you, the voice slightly out of breath.
As everyone greets him back, you feel Lia, who was sitting next to you, shuffling to her left, making space for Hoseok to sit down. Next to you.
Instantly, the strange mood seems to dissipate into thin air. Omg he’s sitting next to you! Being a bit shy, you stay frozen, not turning around to look at the man. You feel yourself start to smile at the feeling of him next to you, and you nearly unconsciously moan at how good this man smells. Have some dignity Y/n, you think to yourself.
“Sorry I’m late, my meeting was supposed to be only 30 minutes but the professor went over an hour,” he laughs out, then looks towards his friend and his boyfriend, “I hope the in-law’s meeting is going well.”
Everyone around the table, including you, laughs, assuring him that it’s going well. You can’t help but let out a dreamy sigh - he’s so hot. Hoseok proceeds to go around to learn the names of the new faces, saying a nice to meet you to Lia, jokingly reintroducing himself to Yoongi (apparently they’re actually friends), and then mentioning to Molly that he is pretty sure they are in the same assignment group for one of his classes. Your face breaks out in a smile with how well he gets on with everyone. He is just so bright and sociable, you can’t help but feel your heart warm at the thought.
Finally, you muster the courage to turn towards him, intending to break the ice with the weird comment your professor said in the morning lecture but Hoseok starts before you.
He starts with the same gut-wrenchingly gorgeous smile,
“And what’s your name?”
Oh…
You feel yourself speechless at the question, colour draining in your face. If this was any other day and if this was anyone else, you would tease saying you’ve met before, joke about him already asking that question, maybe even fake hurt and dramatically ask if you were really that forgettable. But it did hurt, and you don’t feel like you have it in you to embarrass yourself, so instead you introduce yourself again.
For the third time.
“I’m Y/n”, you reply with a tense smile.
“Well it’s really nice to meet you!” He beams.
Throughout the entire lunch, silence envelops you like a suffocating blanket, muffling the chatter around you. All your senses are surrounded by Hoseok, yet he doesn’t even seem to notice you. You watch him interact effortlessly with others, his eyes light up with warmth and his smiles so familiar, you once believed they were reserved solely for you. But now, you realise those looks and smiles are merely part of his default demeanour, unfairly extended to everyone without second thought. The realisation cuts straight through you.
It’s not that he intentionally excludes you; he offers small nods and fleeting smiles of acknowledgements when your eyes meet. He just doesn’t fully register your presence or, better put, is interested in your presence more than he’s interested in anyone else. You don’t know what’s worse. Either way, the pang of insignificance hurts you deep as you sit there feeling like an idiot.
Meanwhile, your friends are engrossed in getting to know everyone else, and for the first time, you don’t bother deciphering the subtle exchanges between Molly and Taehyung, or analyse how well they bounce off each other, jokingly debating about something. Instead, you feel a bit irked by the sight of Jimin and Yoongi being so shyly cute with each other.
And it’s when Lia’s friendly tease prompts Hoseok to playfully poke her cheek, just like he did with you, you quietly stand up, wanting nothing more but to leave. The table suddenly grows quiet, your feigned excuse about seeing your professor being the only thing that is heard. After giving your friends a pointed look that says ‘please don’t follow me’, you pack your uneaten lunch and make a hasty exit, ignoring the worried gazes of your friends.
The truth hits you like a bus - he didn’t even know who you were. He treats everyone with the same warmth and friendliness, all those supposed shared moments weren’t special at all. You just convinced yourself they were, romanticising all those supposed connections to mean something. Did your brain really deluded you into thinking your foolish crush on him was actually requited?
Perhaps Yoongi was right about you. Unrealistic. Delusional. Now that you think about it, probably needs to be served with a restraining order. You didn’t just imagine that Hoseok was interested in you too but you also imagined that he actually knew who you were.
You feel like a fool.
As you fight back tears from spilling from your eyes, you trudge home, neglecting your next lecture. You’ll catch up on it later.
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As you quietly slip away, a concerned silence settles over the group. Your friends exchange glances, each wondering if anyone knows what might be troubling you.
“Is she okay?” Namjoon breaks the silence, his brows furrowing with genuine concern as the group’s gaze follows your retreating figure.
“I actually don’t know…” Molly answers, her voice laced with worry, “She was so quiet. She said something earlier about a presentation but I know she doesn’t have anything like that coming up, so…”
“Shit, I should’ve said something earlier”, Yoongi mumbles with a loud sigh, reaching for his phone to send a message in your group chat.
Are you okay? Are you going back to the house? We’ll come meet you - yoongi
“We should go check on her.” Lia suggests, already rising from her seat, with Molly and Yoongi following suit.
Just then, the group’s phones all ping. Yoongi instantly reads the notification
I’m fine! I just have a headache :( - y/n
Don’t you dare move away from that table, Yoongi. You guys better have fun for me! I’ll see you guys at the house! - y/n
With a small scoff, Yoongi is about to ignore your pleas and continue to pack his things but then the phone pings again.
Please don’t come meet me - y/n
As Yoongi reads your last message, he sits down with a dejected sigh, everyone watching him curiously. The other two pull their phones out to read the messages, also sitting back down.
“I think she just wants to be alone.” Yoongi clarifies.
“Are you guys sure?” Jimin cautiously asks, “We don’t mind if you guys have to go.” 
The other three men agree with Jimin, their concerns evident. Reluctantly, Yoongi shakes his head and assures the group that they don’t need to leave, mentioning that he’ll talk to you later at the house. Silence descends on the table once more.
“I hope everything’s alright,” Jimin voices, “maybe something happened during her classes?”
“No, she only had that intro to psych lecture this morning and she always mentions how that’s pretty chill,” Molly dismisses, looking down deep in thought.
“Oh, I’m in that class” Hoseok suddenly interjects, drawing everyone’s attention, “I didn’t notice anything unusual.”
“Yeah, I forgot you’re in that class” Yoongi remarks, “I’m surprised you haven’t run into her.”
Hoseok nods silently. Suddenly, realisation dawns on him. He knew you looked familiar - you’ve literally spoken before. He guesses he didn’t remember cause it was a long time ago, and he never sees you in the lecture hall. Perhaps you always sit in the back? Now guilt weighs on him, remembering your face earlier. Your eyes lit up in familiarity and a cute smile grew on your face, until he asked for your name. Then you looked embarrassed, your eyes slightly dimming. He didn’t recognise you. Hoseok falls silent, consumed by his thoughts.
“Well,” Jimin starts, trying to steer the conversation in a more positive direction, “I hope she’s okay! You always talk about Y/n so I can’t wait to get to know her.”
Yoongi smiles warmly at Jimin, appreciating the attempt to lighten the mood.
“Yeah, Yoongi talks about how endearing Y/n is,” Jimin continues, addressing his friends, “I actually met her once before! I think she got stuck in the library doors, and I helped her out. I was so surprised because most people would be really embarrassed but she was so grateful and optimistic. It really threw me off guard. No idea why she would be friends with you, Yoongi”
The conversation shifts and the table bursts out in laughter as Yoongi rolls his eyes playfully. 
“No, really, sometimes she’s the complete opposite of you, Yoons,” Lia adds with excitement, “I literally remember when Molly was ordering our drinks and started to argue with one of the guys at the bar, so we were gonna go over and help her. But, Y/n stopped us, insisting that they were clearly just flirting. Then, Yoongi and Y/n started bickering about whether or not they were about to fight or kiss. Then all of a sudden we heard a scream and realised Molly threw her drink on him and they started to fight.”
“I’ll never forget Y/n’s face,” Yoongi heartedly laughs, reminiscing the incident, “I’ve never seen her more mortified.”
Everyone joins in the laughter. Hoseok looks around, noting how just the thought of you brightens your friend’s faces.
“Oh my God, that day got us banned from that place!,” Molly added, “I swear, she can romanticise anything.”
“Sounds like Taehyung with that atrocious ‘romance’ movie”, Namjoon jokes, earning a playful jab from the man.
“That’s it, someone bring Y/n back. I need someone to back me up on this”, Taehyung jokingly whines, eliciting more laughter, “I’ll force her to be my new movie buddy.”
“As long as it’s a romance movie, she won’t need much convincing”, Lia adds.
“With the movies Tae enjoys, we can only pray for her”, Namjoon sarcastically comments, dodging another hit from Taehyung.
“Well, Y/n finds joy and beauty in most things,” Yoongi starts, his eyes softening as he reflects on your unique perspective “I’m jealous of her, she can find love in anything and everything.”
The table falls into momentary silences, Yoongi’s words hanging in the air. Hoseok’s gaze flickers with intrigue as he processes the sentiment. His perception of you subtly shifts when Lia, with a mischievous grin, adds,
"Well, she loves love".
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So you have actually decided you hate love.
Upon arriving home, you collapse onto your bed, letting your tears flow freely. You found yourself unable to stop crying. You don’t know if it's from the sheer humbling experience or the sorrow of mourning your imagined relationship with Hoseok. You just couldn't believe that he would do that to you? After everything you’ve imagined been through?
For the remainder of the week, you choose to avoid your university commitments, wallowing in self-pity within the safe confinement of your bedroom. Despite sharing a house with your three friends, you surprisingly succeed in avoiding conversation with them. Occasionally, when you attempt to sneak out to use the toilet, you find sweet treats left at your bedroom door - a silent reminder that they’re there whenever you’re ready to talk. But three whole days pass without a word. You even miss Valentine’s day.
On Thursday, a knock interrupts your solitude, and you fully intend to ignore it, not yet ready to face the outside world.
“Y/n, I’m coming in whether you like it or not, so you have 30 seconds to not be naked before I open this door.” Yoongi announces from outside, anticipating your refusal.
“Come in.” he hears you mumble from inside.
He enters to find you cocooned in your blanket on the bed. You both share a silent gaze and Yoongi’s heart aches at the sight of your eyes slowly filling up with tears. As your lips start to quiver, about to burst out in tears, Yoongi rushes over and envelops you in his arms.
Yoongi isn’t known for giving hugs, but as you sob into his shirt, you realise he should do it more often; he’s a really good hugger. And in the second that you feel your friend give you a comforting kiss on the crown of your head, you let go completely.
Yoongi remains silent the whole time you reveal your crush on Hoseok. The only sign you know he is still listening is when he tightens his grasp on you whenever your story elicits harder sobs. Yoongi knows its best to not say or question anything, especially when you start blubbering about some acronym he’s never heard of (something about an OPM), which means 2 rows behind and 10 seats to the left? He decides to not probe further, understanding that right now you just need someone to listen.
"I’m so stupid, I should've known this would have happened, I always get carried away, I always do this,” You sob tiredly, messily wiping your snotty nose, “I need to stop being like this, I think there’s something actually wrong with me Yoongi. I feel like a complete idiot”
Through your swollen eyes, you see him shake his head.
“No, Y/n, stop it. You’re not stupid, you’re not an idiot, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you definitely don’t need to stop being you.” Yoongi scolds, pulling you in for another hug.
“B-but you even said it yourself, I’m unrealistic with these things,” You choke before bursting out into full-on wails, “I made myself believe that he actually liked me back and he didn’t even know I existed.”
You both remain hugging for a while, and with the feeling of Yoongi soothingly rubbing your back, your sobs gradually calm down.
"You know," Yoongi begins quietly, "I love you and I love that you love love because your love for love pushed me to try to be with someone I'm in love with. Only you could've done that.”
The room falls quiet as you digest his words..
“And I also hate how many times I said love in that sentence"
"You said it at least 6 times" you sniffle, smiling up at your friend, “Thank you, Yoons.”
He mirrors your smile.
“Don’t even mention it.” He says, pulling you in for a side hug, “And to hell with that man. Surely if he doesn’t even appreciate my best friend, he’s not worth it. What’s even so great about him?! Huh?” He shouts out, as you let out a small sniffing giggle.
"He's got really great cheekbones", you start, and a beat of silence passes as Yoongi meekly agrees.
"Yeah, he does.”
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In an attempt to cheer you up, Yoongi invites you to join him and Jimin for lunch on Sunday before your shift, promising a rather unconventional third-wheel experience. Despite your initial hesitations, as you watch the undeniable cuteness between them, your temporary barriers crumble, and you watch their interactions with joy and just the faintest tinie-wine hint of bittersweetness. Perhaps it’s because Jimin’s genuine concern for your well-being radiates comfort or maybe it’s his angelic aura, you find yourself confiding in him about your crush on Hoseok.
As you share your sorrows with the two men in front of you, you release a sigh of relief as he takes in the information with nothing but open-mindedness and kindness. His reassurance and comfort that Hoseok’s forgetfulness is not a reflection of you, but rather a quirk of his character - or, as Jimin admits, an annoyance - brings you comfort, leaving you feeling better as you make your way to work. 
Throughout the rest of your shift, a sense of peace settles within you. Perhaps, deep down, there’s a part of you that just thrives on romance and love, a factor ingrained in your disposition. As you clean tables, you come to the realisation: who cares if romance seems a bit elusive to you right now? It undeniably exists in the world, evident all around you. In your friends, in love songs, and even in those silly magnet socks. And that brings you happiness - a fact made abundantly clear by the joy you feel knowing your friend is experiencing it. 
Maybe, just maybe, it’s just not your time, and you muster the courage to admit, with a shaky exhale, that perhaps Hoseok simply wasn’t meant to be that person for you.
But you don’t dwell on that thought for too long, getting distracted by your divorced regular walking in with a new woman.
You stride to your Monday lecture actually feeling really great. I mean, you acquired a new friend (Jimin <3), you have a feeling Molly may have a little thing for Taehyung (which you’ll undoubtedly observe with unsolicited interest at lunch), and your Sunday regular (who strangely moved on from a whole marriage in just a week) still gives good tips. You feel ecstatic even.
On your way to your lecture, you pause briefly. Your eyebrows furrow at the sight of two rats sitting together on a bench, their tails somehow strangely interlocking. It was oddly and bizarrely romantic, prompting you to send a picture in the groupchat. For once, everyone actually agreed, even Yoongi.
So, who cares if you romanticise things? It got you this far, even through countless 9am lectures - a victory for someone with your habit of missing lectures. Perhaps you could still appreciate Hoseok's face, it's still a gorgeous face. And besides, when you really think about it, you don't actually know anything about him! He might actually be an awful person! You try to tell yourself that, but there’s still a small part of your heart that remains unconvinced.
You enter the lecture hall surprisingly 10 minutes early, say goodbye to OSP, hello to sitting wherever the fuck you want (which is kind of a relief considering Hoseok tended to sit really far behind and you really struggled to see the board sometimes).
Absorbed in Yoongi’s latest post of him and Jimin, you’re startled by a familiar voice beside you.
"Is this seat taken?"
Oh?
You look up to see the devastatingly handsome ray of sunshine himself, gesturing to the seat where your bag is on. You try not to inwardly scream at how good he looks. He’s wearing glasses you’ve never seen before and a really fluffy looking red jumper, which just makes him look so boyfriend and so, so gorgeous.
"No, it's not actually", you hesitantly move your bag and offer a polite smile.
You watch him sit down next to you and give you another earth-shaking smile, to which you offer a timid one back. You curse your heart for speeding up.
Don't get your hopes up, Y/n.
In order to distract yourself, you look down at your phone again and answer some messages from your family, unaware of Hoseok stealing glances at you. 
He notices just how cute your nose is, how sparkly your eyes are when you gleefully read whatever is on your screen. He is a bit embarrassed to admit how much he would love to know how to make the corners of your lips move upwards like that. He also notes his sudden urge to grab your attention away from your screen and onto something else. Or maybe someone else.
He also feels the need to giggle and scream into a pillow. Huh.
Before he opens his mouth to make conversation and apologise for what happened last week, the professor begins his lectures, interrupting his chance.
As the lecture progresses, your professor makes another weird ‘joke’ about his wife, which makes you halt your note taking to stare at him in disbelief.
"I’m so surprised his wife hasn’t left him yet" Hoseok whispers to you.
You giggle at the remark, your head instinctively dipping down to avoid drawing attention. Hoseok's eyes brighten at the sound of your laugh, completely captivated by the sound. If you looked at him at this moment, you would notice that his face lit up much more than usual, a glint of endearment painting his smile. Your eyes meet, and for a moment, time stands still. You’re struck with how breathtakingly pretty he looks up close, it’s almost unfair. Your eyes are drawn to details you never noticed before - like the charming mole on his lips that makes you <3 (also ignites the desire to kiss it).
Although you know the lesson from the past week was that you can sometimes be delusional in your romanticising, but this time you are 100% sure you see it objectively: Hoseok briefly looks down at your lips before meeting your gaze again. It’s clear you didn’t imagine it, as you catch a sudden look of embarrassment wash over his face as if he got caught out. That’s because he did just get caught out.
You both look away from each other’s eyes, the intensity of the moment becoming a bit too overwhelming. But you both continue to sit together in silence, your shoulders brushing, with wide, bashful smiles plastered on your faces. The same thoughts (or lack thereof) swirling in both of your minds:
Tee-hee.
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a/n: tee-motherfucking-hee :) Thank you for reading!
98 notes · View notes
taevbears · 1 month
Text
Pandora's Box
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Keep a fire burning, however small; however hidden
⤑ pairing: Hoseok x reader ⤑ genre: angst, one-shot ⤑ rating: 18+ ⤑ word count: 3.1k ⤑ warnings: ANGST, mention of alcohol and drug use, depression, self-sabotage and unhealthy coping, non-explicit sex, unhappy ending. ⤑ note: Happy Hobi Day! I've been wanting to write a JITB-inspired fic for Hobi since forever (it's probably my favorite solo concept), and this idea has been sitting in my drafts since forever lol. I initially wanted it to be a scary one-shot, but it ended up being a very sad one-shot instead lol. I hope you guys enjoy it anyway!
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You notice it as soon as you walk in. 
Sitting on the coffee table is a box. Simple in design. Colored white.
You know that opening it, however, will unleash a whole myriad of demons you’re not ready to face.
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The first is the one called Lust.
The fateful night you met Jung Hoseok is a blur. Music at the party you wound up in is so loud, you could feel the vibrations of the deep base through the walls. A hip-hop song is playing, but you could barely make out the lyrics over the thrumming booms of the stereo.
A haze of grey smoke fills the room, distinct with the acrid scent of cigarettes and weed. In the fog, you’ve found your friend sitting on the couch, curled up against the guy she’s been dating on and off. At the moment, the two of them are very much on again, making out with little regard to everyone and everything else around them.
In the meantime, you’ve lost count of how many times you’ve refilled the red, plastic cup in your hands, downing hard liquor and letting the alcohol burn your throat, but you go into the kitchen to get more.
That’s when you notice he’s been looking at you. When you catch his gaze, he offers a friendly smile. And when you return it, he approaches you.
“I’m Hoseok,” he introduces himself, raising his voice so you could hear him over the music and the chatter. He stands close enough that you could smell his cologne. A mix of woody tones with notes of spice and citrus. “What’s your name?”
He’s cute, you think, as you tell him your name. And funny, you add to yourself, as he later says something to make you laugh.
You like him, you realize as your hand finds his and you start to lead him upstairs to look for an empty room.
You don’t remember much about the night you met Hoseok. Can’t recall a word you said to each other, or what he did to make you fall for him so fast.
But even in your drunken haze, you remember the heat of his kiss, the way his fingers teasingly slipped beneath your clothes as you eagerly unbutton his pants, and the subtle bite of his lip when you push him to the bed and strip off the rest of your clothes.
“I like you, Hoseok,” you confess, cheeks flushed. Probably from the alcohol.
Hoseok chuckles.
He grabs your elbow and pulls you closer until you’re hovering over him. He kisses you one more time, so sweetly you think you could melt. Then, he suddenly flips you over with your back to the bed. A glint of mischief is in his eyes as he leans down over you.
“I think I like you too.”
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The second is Greed.
After that night, you and Hoseok met up several times.
The first couple of times were almost repeats of the first night. You find each other at a party, seeming to share some of the same circles of friends and acquaintances. You could barely see straight when you hear Hoseok calling you, and you burst out in laughter because you’re genuinely surprised he remembers your name.
“Of course I remember you,” he assures you, flashing a bright, flirty smile. It almost falters with nerves when he asks, “Do you remember me?”
“How could I forget?” you tease back, taking his hand in yours again.
It feels better the second time. And by the third, when you’re just waking up from a throbbing headache, you’re surprised to see he’s still in the room with you, long after the party is over.
“I can give you a ride home if you want,” he offers. You have too much of a migraine to decline.
By the time he pulls up at your place, he gives you his number. Just in case you need to call him for another ride or anything else.
“Thanks, Hoseok.”
“No problem,” he replies, and there’s a look in his eyes that makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s kind. It’s hopeful. It’s something you’re not quite expecting from him. “Be sure to call me, okay?”
“Sure, Hoseok. Thanks again.”
He leaves it at that.
Even though you said you would, you don’t call him. Not until your friend dramatically breaks up with her boyfriend again and ditches you at a party out of town. Everyone else in your contacts is busy that night with work and other obligations. When you see his number, you hesitate for a brief moment before you tap to call.
“Hello?”
You instantly regret it. He sounds like he’s asleep.
“Actually, never mind. I can just call someone else,” you backtrack out loud, thinking, perhaps, a taxi or something would be a better idea. “Sorry for bothering you.”
“No, it’s fine,” he assures you, seeming to realize who is calling him in the middle of the night. “What’s wrong? Where are you?”
Hoseok drives all the way to get you. Even with the empty roads, it’s at least an hour drive one-way. It’s a sobering moment when he finally pulls up and greets you with a warm smile.
“Are you hungry? I can buy you food and pay for gas,” you offer once you’re in the car. You feel like you owe him that much.
“How about a date instead?” Hoseok counters, and again, he has that hopeful look in his eyes. “I’m not doing anything tomorrow night.”
If there was a perfect moment to tell him you aren’t interested in a relationship right now – that all the partying and drinking is to numb your mind from your own problems and stresses – this would be it. Clearly, he wouldn’t go out of his way and come this far if he isn’t interested in you.
And Hoseok seems like a good guy. You shouldn’t be stringing him along like this.
But you’re selfish. And that selfish part of you smiles and says, “Sounds good. What should I wear tomorrow?”
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Next is Envy.
Jung Hoseok, as you’ve learned, has it all. A loving family with a pet dog. A close group of friends who are like a second family to him. A great sense of fashion, and talent in dancing that could make him a worldwide star. He’s passionate about the things he wants, driven for the things he wants to achieve, and humbled despite his ambitious achievements.
It becomes apparent to you, very early on in your relationship, that he’s a man out of your league. Someone too good to be true.
You’re… undeserving of someone like him.
“You’re so nice to me.”
Hoseok smiles, but looks a bit confused as he peers up from the menu. For the first date, he decided on something fancy. A dinner with a view, where the waiters serve imported wine, and the dishes look like edible pieces of art. You’re both dressed well, blending with the other couples and groups in the surrounding tables.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks you, a bit taken aback by your statement. “I like you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” you quietly counter. The insecurities are getting the best of you. While Hoseok could make a name for himself, you’re just a nobody. Lost in life and without ambition. You waste your days numbing yourself from the mundane and loneliness.
What could someone like you possibly offer to someone like him?
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Then, Gluttony.
Honestly, for a while, you didn’t know what you and Hoseok were doing. When you first met him, there was only one thing you wanted. And somehow, that became something more.
Somehow, Hoseok continues to meet up with you and take you to nice places. He doesn’t expect sex from you every time either. It’s like he genuinely likes to hang out with you.
Once, he took you to an aquarium. You didn’t even think you cared about fishes and marine animals, but your eyes widen in awe when you see the luminescent glow of jellyfishes in the tanks. The corner of your lip lifts into a small smile when you see Hoseok clapping his hands and laughing when a sea lion claps its fins back at him. And you actually laughed when you dared Hoseok to touch a stingray at the petting station, and he nearly fainted when the tip of his fingers brushed against its back.
Another time, the two of you end up at a local diner after a party, a little drunk and a little high. The two of you order too many burgers and fries and decide to eat them by his car in the empty parking lot. Perhaps you were still intoxicated. Perhaps the food wasn’t doing anything to help you sober up fast enough, but you end up sharing more about yourself than you ever intended to that night. And Hoseok is quiet as he listens, not once judging you for every bad decision you’ve ever made. In fact, he tells you that he thinks the same sometimes – that he isn’t all rainbows and sunshine like you initially thought he’d be.
Then, there was the day he took you to the mall. He seems very adamant about couples clothes and making sure he matches with you whenever you two go out. It’s a bit embarrassing for you, if you were honest, but he seems to like it a lot when you’d color coordinate with him or if you’d wear the top for the matching set of his pants. An elderly woman is in line behind you two when you take a break from shopping to grab some pretzels and drinks when she comments that you look like a cute couple.
It hits you right then and there that you and Hoseok are a couple.
You’ve been showing up at his dance rehearsals and shows. He’s introduced you to his friends and you’ve all hung out at the beach. He comes to pick you up from work and take you to his place, which slowly but surely has a lot of your stuff in his space now.
Neither of you ever made the relationship official though. Yet, Hoseok smiles at the elderly woman, practically beaming as his hand tightens around yours and thanks her.
You don’t know what you are to Hoseok – if he really sees you as his girlfriend, someone he’s just dating but not that serious about, or maybe just a friend he’s intimate with – and you’re not sure what comes next.
The two of you find a spot to sit down, and you watch as he snaps pictures of the pretzels first before holding up the phone to take a picture of you and him together. As you pose for the camera, you could see how the two of you really do look like a couple. Matching clothes and all.
Whatever you are to Hoseok, and whatever he is to you, perhaps it’s okay to indulge in it while it still lasts. Even if a small, tiny, selfish part of you yearns for more.
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And then, Wrath.
Since the beginning of your relationship, you’ve been quietly counting down the days until it’s over. When Hoseok would find someone else and move on, just like any other lover you’ve dated. He’s too good to you, too kind. And you’ve been heartbroken and jaded one too many times to know that an inevitable end will come.
Even when an anniversary becomes two.
Even when he introduces you to his parents, and has started looking for a house you can move in together.
Even when his friends start to tease him and ask when they can expect an invitation to his wedding with you.
You’ll always fuck it up somehow.
“I don’t know why you’re so angry with me,” Hoseok tells you, exasperated. His patience seems to be running thin. “Did I do something wrong?”
It’s frustrating for both of you. Your suspicions. Your insecurities. Nothing good happens to you. A little voice in your head nags that you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve him.
And there’s nothing he can do to prove to you otherwise.
“I think we need to end this,” you find yourself saying. Words that you don’t mean, but they fall out of your lips anyway. From self-sabotage. From pain. From fear. 
“You don’t mean that,” Hoseok calls your bluff. He doesn’t look angry or upset, but it seems like he expected this. The disappointment seems to hurt more than if he were to lash out on you.
Tears are brimming in your eyes, threatening to spill, but you refuse to cry. Not in front of him. You keep pushing him away, hoping he’d wake up and realize what you’ve always known – that he’s too good for you. That you’re the wrong person to share a future with.
“Just go,” you demand, your voice soft, barely a command.
You expect him to fight for you, like he always does. The back and forth breakups to make ups has become a vicious, toxic cycle lately.
“Fine.”
You’re stunned when you see him get off the couch and quickly walk out the door without another glance at you. This is what you want, right? It feels cruel to have expected him to stay.
And as your tears finally fall, a part of you – the part that truly, desperately loves him – hates you even more.
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Sloth.
That is a demon that stayed with you the longest.
Your heart feels heavy after the fight. So heavy, it feels troublesome to move. To eat. To think. All you want to do is rot away in your bed and sleep.
“Come on,” Hoseok’s voice gently calls for you. He opens the blinds to your bedroom, letting sunlight spill in. “I got the bath ready for you. Let’s wash up and I’ll make you something to eat.”
You close your eyes again, scowling with your face pressed against the pillow. Maybe you’re dreaming. A hallucination of your lover that your mind imagined, prompting you to get up and face the world already.
Or maybe Hoseok is just really too kind.
You get your answer when you feel his hands pull you away from the safety of your covers, and he helps you to the bathroom. He's picked up the empty bottles of beer and soju that littered around the room, you note, seeing them neatly put in plastic bags. The warm water feels soothing against your skin, and you soon feel his fingers run through your hair and massage your scalp.
You don’t say anything to him then.
You don’t say anything as he helps you dress up into something comfortable and sits you at the table. Groceries you don’t remember buying sit on the counter. He must have gotten them before he stopped by.
It’s only after he sets down a bowl of stew he made that you finally speak.
“Why are you doing this?” you ask, your voice so soft, you don’t think he heard you.
You’re undeserving of this. You’re undeserving of him.
Even now, that little voice in your head taunts that.
“I like you,” Hoseok simply answers, sitting next to you with his own bowl. There’s a sad smile on his face as he continues, “Even if you don’t feel the same.”
You sniffle. The part that loves him wants to scream that he’s wrong.
But the tiresome demon snuffs it out and keeps you quiet and complacent.
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And then, there is Pride.
Some would say, it’s the most evil of them all.
Pride keeps you from admitting your mistakes. From saying that you’re wrong. That asking for forgiveness is beneath you, and seeking for help and assurance is weakness.
Hoseok comes and goes often after you two have broken up. A stubborn part of him seems to think he can fix things. That in time, you’ll change your mind and take him back. That you’ll love him again, just as much as he loves you.
Even though, in your heart, you’ve never once stopped.
Pride is the vice that sneaks up on you. One you didn’t think you’d ever have, given the way the others plague your mind.
You only realize it when Hoseok stops visiting as much. When his calls are less frequent. When that look in his eyes that he used to only have for you starts to turn to someone else.
“Are you happy?” you ask when he tells you about her. He doesn’t need to. It isn’t any of your business. But he does anyway.
Because Hoseok loved you once. Perhaps, there will always be a part of him that still cares about you. That still likes you, despite everything.
A small voice in your head tells you to admit your feelings to him now. To tell him that you still love him. That you never stopped thinking about him.
Maybe if you did, things would’ve been different. Maybe if you did, he’d choose you.
But that kind of confession is undeserving of you. It kills you to see Hoseok moving on and loving someone else. But what little pride you have steels you from revealing the truth.
Even as he smiles and tells you, “I am.”
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The cruelest one of them all, however, stands before you.
You've been doing better. You've been trying. The drinking and parties have slowed down significantly. The demons that haunt you have quieted down. You and Hoseok are friends, despite everything.
Which is why you end up here, at his place, looking at the white box he has in his hand.
Hoseok smiles and shows you what’s inside the box. Hope is in his eyes as he looks at you.
And a myriad of demons and their vices scatter into your heart all at once.
Lust makes you careless. Throwing yourself away to carnal sins is how you two met, and perhaps, not much else more.
Greed makes you selfish. Makes you want to keep him for yourself, even if you’re the one who broke things off with him.
Envy makes you jealous. What does she have that you don’t?
Gluttony makes you indulgent. All you do is take, take, and take. You don’t give anything back, and that’s why he deserves more.
Wrath makes you angry. You want to scream, throw something at him, make it known that you’re upset. That you’re still in love with him.
Sloth makes you complacent. Despite your fury, you could do nothing. This is all your fault, after all.
Pride makes you a liar. You refuse to let Hoseok know how hurt you are.
And hope … Hope has you clinging to him, even now. It makes your heart yearn – that small, tiny part of you that keeps fighting for him. That keeps reminding you that you love him. Even as he stands before you with an engagement ring inside the white box.
“Do you think she’ll like it?”
You force yourself to smile, hoping that it doesn’t reflect the way your heart shatters. Hoping that, for a brief second, he’d look at you and say that he loves you still.
“She’ll love it, Hoseok.”
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Thank you for reading ♡ Comments & reblogs are greatly appreciated!
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ilikemesometaetaes · 9 months
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•••> Author: @ilikemesometaetaes
•••> Summary: Some people don’t actually like seeing their exes upset. Do you?
•••> Pairing(s): Hoseok / Female Reader (ft. Choi Yeonjun)
•••> Word Count: 16.57k [Unedited]
•••> Rating: 18+
•••> Tags: eventual smut (in second part) | angst | ExFiancè!Hoseok | ExesToLovers!Hoseok | Boss!Hoseok | Military!Reader | Veteran!Reader
•••> Warnings: angst, cussing, mentioned gunshot wound/forced discharge due to physical handicap, alcohol use, jealousy, unrequited feelings, engagement cancellation, mild toxicity if you know how to read red flags, rejection, arguing, loss of feelings, eventual smut, You know the drill. If you don’t want to read, don’t. If you’re under 18, don’t.
Copyright © 2023 ilikemesometaetaes. All Rights Reserved.
PART ONE -> PART TWO
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His loud guffaw is what drags your attention to him in the first place.
It isn’t his black sequin jacket; it’s not his flame orange hair; it’s not the gold ring that wraps around his pinky.
It’s his god-damned laugh.
He’s standing there with his friends, laughing at something that Jimin has just said, when you notice him.
Your ex-fiancé.
Your fingers clutch a little bit tighter around your flute of champagne as soon as you take Hoseok in. It’s been months since you’ve seen him. An awful, lonely stretch that has been a slow process to use as healing. Despite the time you’ve had, you feel your blood boil the more you stare at his irritatingly handsome face.
Because it isn’t fair. He shouldn’t be smiling all brightly like that. He shouldn’t be happy or joyful or unreservedly calm like he always was. He shouldn’t be the same old Hoseok that you grew to fall in love with at one point in your life.
Is that toxicity you sense? Some red flags in your personality? Meh. Perhaps.
“I promise that it’s not you; it’s me.”
As you stare at the way he raises his glass to his lips and tips his head back to take a sip of his own champagne, you can’t help but remember the phrase. The downpour on your car lightened to make it that much more deafening.
“It’s you?” you ask him. “How in the hell is it you? I’m the one who’s busy. I can make more time for us, Hobi.”
The man in the driver’s seat chuckles dryly and leans forward to place his forehead against the steering wheel, his black hair falling forward with the motion. “But that’s not the problem, Y/N. I don’t want you to make more time for us. You’re doing so well now and I know that you have the promotion in a few months. I can’t get in the way of that.”
You sit back in your chair and stare at him, holding his ring to your chest. It feels so heavy in your grasp that you think it could pierce through the floor of the car and drop to the wet pavement below.
“Hoseok,” Your voice is a broken whisper whilst the tears collect in your eyes, the dread of loss rearing its ugly head to gaze upon you. “You know that you mean more to me than anything I’ve ever known. I can drop everything and I- I can be better. Please,” you beg. “Please don’t do this.”
“But I don’t want to be the reason that you throw your life away. I can’t be that person that just…” He takes a breath and throws his hands up in exasperation. “… accepts others putting themselves down for me. I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.”
He starts your car without waiting for your response and your desperate mind pushes you to reach out and grab onto his arm to try and stop him from running away. The rain continues to patter against the roof and windshield.
“I don’t know what you want me to do. This-” you cut yourself off for a moment and look down, searching for the words to say in the reflection of the street light on the shifter. “-it can’t end like this. Tell me what to do to make it right.”
Hoseok clutches the steering wheel tightly and shuts his eyes, exhaling with a low rumble in his chest.
“I’m not the one you should be doing things for, Y/N. You should be making decisions for yourself and doing things because you want to do them- not because I want you to.” He opens his eyes and turns his head away from you to stare out the window.
“I don’t want your world to revolve around me.”
The man you watch lowers his glass to the table that he leans on and continues to listen intently to what Taehyung has to say. You assume the younger one is going on about data and stocks with how serious the conversation became in the short span of a few moments. The smile that was on Hoseok’s face is nowhere to be seen now.
He looks a bit stern from the way he purses his lips and furrows an eyebrow. When it seems that Taehyung says something that boggles his mind, he cuts in to add his piece. He was never one to just be quiet and truly listen, you think spitefully.
“Y/N!”
Petty Officer Blake calls your name, drawing you away from the sight of your ex and back to his uniformed arm slung casually over your shoulders. The weight of his bicep presses the collar of your own uniform into the back of your neck even further and makes for a scratchy sensation that you put up with only because it’s your friend who’s close to you.
“What?” you ask, turning your head to look at him. His gelled hair has fallen into his forehead a little and begun to break uniform regulation, but you don’t bring yourself to care. The formal portion of the evening ended ten minutes ago and no one cares if a few hairs are out of place.
“I get that we’re relaxed now, but you’d kill me for not reminding you. I asked if you submitted the muster report to Ensign Trias.”
You clear your throat and speak confidently despite your inner turmoil, a skill you learned during your grueling weeks at boot camp.
“I did. She’ll be happy to know that we’re all present or accounted for.”
Blake agrees with a grin. “Yes, she will.”
With a final swig, you finish your champagne and place it on the table with thoughts of Hoseok creeping back into your skull. Why is he here?
You know the answer, though. Taehyung and Jungkook obviously invited him. Your shipmates are the reason you’d met Hoseok in the first place. Now that you’re back from your underway at your home port for the first time since early November, they obviously thought to reunite the group for the ship’s New Year’s ball.
Everyone in your group of friends left home, although it was only you, Taehyung, and Jungkook who decided to enlist to leave. The three of you met at boot camp fresh out of high school. Looking back on it, it feels like a lifetime ago.
The three of you are all chiefs now, years and years of service in the military under your belts, and you couldn’t have been happier when you found out that the both of them would be deployed on your ship for the next eight months.
On your first deployment as a young and inexperienced sailor, Taehyung was the only face you recognized amongst the sea of them aboard your ship. His friendship was what made you begin to actually enjoy the military in the first place. Long hours of watch and constant maintenance was draining, so when Taehyung invited you to go to a bar he was familiar with once you pulled into port again, you were all for it.
Hoseok was the first amongst his friends that you’d met. He lived in the local area that you were ported in and you’d instantly grown intrigued by him when you found out he was also from your hometown.
He sipped on bourbon and passionately took part in the conversation alongside Jungkook, who was completing a shore tour at the same base, while you watched him quietly. Being a naturally brave person with military confidence instilled in your psyche, you were the one to speak first when he wasn’t speaking with the others.
“What’s your rate?”
The man looks up from his glass and focuses on you with wide eyes whilst the rest of the table continues the conversation without him. He’s seemingly shocked that you’re speaking to him in the middle of their banter. After a beat of realization, he replies.
“Oh- um. I’m not in the military.”
You lean against the table your group is sitting at and place your chin onto your fist with a small smile. “You’re not? You definitely have the hair.”
He thoughtfully raises his hand up and strokes the side of his head where his fade tapers at his ear. “I’m not. I just like the style.”
“Me too,” you agree, giving him a neutrally flirtatious compliment. When he doesn’t speak again, you turn your eyes back to the center of the tables’ attention and pick up on the conversation between Taehyung, Jungkook, and their friend, Jimin.
“I told you that we were going to be home for St. Patrick’s Day. I planned ahead so that we could go to the Irish Channel and celebrate- and now you’re bailing on us?” Jimin is offended by the fact that Taehyung can’t make it to the holiday party he planned. That much is obvious by the way his eyebrows turn up in disbelief and he holds a hand to his chest.
“ ‘s not my fault,” Taehyung replies through a mouthful of fries. “Blame the powerful men who decide our fate by getting into fights with each other. Blame the system.”
Jimin sighs and puts his face into his hands. “Fucking hell.”
Jungkook grumbles to himself lowly, inaudible. With a snap of his neck, Jimin turns to him. “What?”
The younger one pipes up. “I won’t be able to make it either.”
“Fuck, guys!” Jimin exclaims. “What the hell happened to us? We used to hang out all the time!”
“Life happened, man.” Hoseok butts into the conversation and you turn to him to find that he’s staring down into his empty glass. “We grew up.”
You just stare at him in awe.
“Did you see that dude with the orange hair?” Blake leans into you to whisper the question. You don’t respond even though a quiet voice inside you bites back that Hoseok’s hair is actually flame orange, not just orange. “Someone’s definitely going to say something to him. This is a military event for fuck’s sake.”
Blake bringing up Hoseok’s presence makes the the walls of the large room feel like they’re closing in on you. Like the world is slowly becoming smaller. Blake is so unaware of the torment that you’ve suffered because of the man that’s he’s mentioned, but you can’t explain the heartbreak to him. You can’t explain the life that never was nor the dreams that were lost. Suddenly, it’s difficult for you to breathe.
The chair legs scrape against the floor as you stand from your seat. Consequently, Blake’s arm falls from around your neck and he looks up at you with questioning eyes at the abrupt action.
“Going to the bathroom. I’ll be back,” you mumble. You can’t bring yourself to be confident with the negativity that has filled your mind since you first noticed Hoseok.
“Want me to come with?”
You look at him with furrowed eyebrows when you realize what he’s just asked you and he puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Kidding! I’m kidding.”
You roll your eyes and push in your chair, readjusting your dress jacket draped over the back so that it doesn’t fall off when you let go of it.
Your steps are slow as you make your way to the corner of the room where the bathrooms are and it’s in your steps that you take the time to think about the past. Are you the one running this time? The more you ponder over your retreat from the room, the more you criticize yourself for doing the same thing that Hoseok did all that time ago.
“Hey Y/N,” A voice stops you in your path. “Ready for the new year?”
Laci.
Stiffly, you turn to face the woman and her lips are pulled into a knowing smile by the time your eyes reach her face.
Smug bitch.
The woman’s smile is patronizing as she regards you, her lengthy blue dress swaying when she leans onto one foot and places a hand on her hip. It fits her well, her curves filling it to perfection in a way that makes her model-esque lifestyle obvious. She doesn’t spend her time sweating over machinery or working out to prepare for fitness tests like you do. Instead, she diets and pays to shape her body in the way that she wants it. To your dismay, she’s utterly perfect.
On the outside.
“Hey there, Laci. You look beautiful as always.” You manage to mumble through the annoyance.
“Oh, thank you!” She smiles even wider. “Took me two hours to make everything look right. The dress is a little itchy, though.”
You try to keep your voice level with hers, a byproduct of your resentment for the woman combined with your need to appear kind. “I love the dress. It suits you.”
“You do? Hobi told me the same when he picked it out, although I don’t know if it’s really my style…”
Ouch.
You hold back the instant desire to clock her in the jaw because you are way above the notion of physically assaulting someone. Despite your handle on your emotions, you still loathe her.
Never, in any of the conversations you’ve had with her, has she missed an opportunity to rub in your face that her and Hoseok are dating. She has a knack for being able to drag your attention to something he’s bought her without saying so at first so that she can give you the time to unknowingly compliment it. It irritates the fuck out of you because she knows she does it. Laci parades her absolute prize of a boyfriend in front of you because she loves knowing that he loves her and not you.
“I see,” you quip, turning to begin leaving so that the conversation can conclude. “Regardless, you look great.”
“Thanks,” She giggles in her flattery, but there’s a touch of poison in the soft sound. “I feel so bad for you. You never get to dress up and look pretty.”
You take the hit and purse your lips at the offending remark. Frankly, you don’t feel confident dressed in anything but your uniform now. It’s second nature since you hardly find the time to be out of it these days.
“Yeah,” You breathe evenly whilst you turn away and begin stepping off. “It’s too bad.”
“Y/N?”
Your feet freeze mid-stride. Your heart skips a beat.
“It’s good to see you.”
Slowly, you turn back to face where Laci stands and immediately hold your breath at the sight before you.
And suddenly, it’s as if he just ended things with you yesterday.
Hoseok stands, his arm sliding around Laci’s waist, as she leans into his touch and presses her nose into the side of his neck with a smile. The sight alone makes you jealous- seeing him with another woman is heartbreaking- and you can’t help the acidic touch of spite beginning to taint your mind. Despite the pain the sight of him causes, you still know in your heart that that should be you.
Your heart pounds woefully for him. You miss him so fucking much and you passionately hate him simultaneously, but his attention on you makes your chest cave in under the weight of it. Meeting his eyes takes you back to the first time he looked at your own, He looks divine- just like he did before.
“Good to see you too, Hoseok.”
You hardly ever called him by his full name when you were together. The only times you did were when the two of you were talking about something serious. After your failed engagement more than three years prior, his nickname never got another chance to leave your lips.
“How’s everything?”
You close your eyes for a moment, taking a cautious breath to calm yourself before you answer his deep voice, and then open them again to find his left eyebrow taking on the ever-familiar position of concern for you.
“It’s alright.” Your voice seems to be lost somewhere in the midst of the pain that accompanies his appearance. “I’m making an announcement later on.”
“Is that so?” Hoseok smiles softly while he allows Laci to thread her fingers into his. “How late is later?”
“In about an hour. Don’t want it to get in the way of the countdown.”
You know the announcement won’t matter to him; it’s too late for him to change his mind. Him and Laci have been together far too long for him to come back to you.
The two of you broke up for a good reason- you’ll give him that. He had every right to feel the way he did because you didn’t give him the time and attention that he needed.
You regret many things in your life. No matter how much you’ve tried to live with no regrets, the blasted things always manage to creep back in and remind you of all the mistakes you’ve made throughout the years. The wrong decision that had bad results, the wrong statement that upset someone, the wrong timing of a poorly delivered joke; many of your past actions bother you in your day-to-day life.
Being unable to keep Jung Hoseok by your side is the worst of them all.
“Well, we definitely look forward to your announcement! I think Hoseok and I are going to see if we can get a few moments to ourselves before the fun starts.”
You nod your head only once as Laci smirks at you. Hoseok offers a tight-lipped smile in place of words and it’s in this moment that you finally accept that your once-fiancé has fully moved on from you. He doesn’t even spare you another glance before he turns around with Laci wedged under his arm.
The tear in your eye fights to come through to the corner, but you lightly snort to choke it back down and prevent yourself from crying at the sight of Hoseok turning his back on you.
Again.
Splash some water on your face. Take a deep breath. Don't let yourself cry over him again. You chant the words in your mind like a mantra as you stare into the mirror in the bathroom. The water you just splashed onto your face drips off of your chin.
The music continues to play in the dining hall without you. Although it's muffled, it serves as the perfect reminder that peoples' lives will continue to go on without you. You lean against the sink even harder with the weight of the statement bearing down on your shoulders.
A sharp knock on the door follows shortly after you lean your face into the sink again, prompting you to whip your head around to face the sound.
"Y/N?" Blake. "You in there?"
"Shit." You curse lowly while you fumble for some paper towels to press against your wet skin. After giving yourself a final glance and concluding that you still look like a wreck, you turn to the door and open it to step out.
"What's up?” You plaster a smile on your face as you greet his curiously concerned blue eyes.
"The captain's looking for you." His eyebrows are furrowed and the worry lines in his forehead are deeper than usual. When you move to step around him and avoid that conversation, he presses a hand to your shoulder to stop you. "Are you okay? What's going on?'
You sigh and look away from him to hide your predicament- one he is completely oblivious to. "Nothing. Don’t worry about it."
“Why? There’s obviously something wrong. We agreed we’d be transparent with each other.” He grabs onto your hand and brushes his thumb over the top. “Talk to me.”
Suddenly, you become acutely aware of the presence by the end of the hall where it turns to open up into the dining room. When you glance over Blake’s shoulder towards the movement, you find a flash of flame orange hair. With the revelation of who stands there, watching you, you are propositioned with two options.
On one hand, you could reciprocate Blake’s support and give in to his comfort like you want to, although it would appear much differently to Hoseok who watches from afar and only sees the action of Blake holding your hand. Perception is reality.
On the other hand, you could give your coworker and friend the cold shoulder to display to Hoseok that you are, after all this time, by your lonesome. Being alone like the way he left you would undoubtedly display how big of an emotional crater he left in your soul.
Maybe it would make him feel bad. You want him to feel bad. At least it’d mean he feels something for you.
Although you know you would have gone through with the second option two or three years ago- when you were freshly bitter from the split- your facade has hardened into a detached permanence since then. Time has not done you well.
You look up to Blake then, eyes beaming with the ache of tears that beg to break through, and smile into his concern as carelessly as possible so that you can brush off the emotion. Gently, you take his hand.
“I’m fine. Just a little wound up is all.”
The concern and worry seem to disappear from his face all at once as he smiles a toothy grin. “Announcement making you nervous?”
“Something like that,” you chide.
When you get the chance to peek over your friend’s shoulder again, Hoseok is gone. Damn. It was too easy to get him away. You can't help but wonder if you made the right decision because of how your heart slightly twists at the thought that maybe- just maybe- your ex-fiance still has feelings for you. You brush off the hope just as soon as it arrives.
With a knowing smirk, Blake backs away and swings his arm out in the direction of the ballroom, beckoning you to return to it. "Ladies first."
You giggle and begin walking. "How kind of you, sailor."
"Just trying to look chivalrous, miss." He smiles.
You maintain your smile as you walk back into the ballroom, searching for your captain while you avoid anything relatively close to the shade of orange you know to be somewhere on the dance floor.
You find your captain with a glass in his hand and the executive officer below his other arm, laughing with rosy cheeks at something one of the department heads has just said to the two of them.
"Gentlemen," you address them. "I hope you’ve been having a good evening. Captain? You sent for me?”
“Y/L/N!” He looks at you and smiles, the crinkles by his eyes deepening. “Good to see you! Is everything in order for your announcement?”
You nod as you respond to him. "Yessir. The DJ is ready."
“Good, good. Carry it out whenever you're ready, Chief."
Your eyes are cast to the floor in preparation of what you will be speaking into reality. "Aye aye, sir."
Time begins to slow as you make your trek over to the DJ’s table to ask for the microphone. Your legs struggle to move at a normal speed and your mind is attempting to escape all of the memories that surface. Stretched across a thousand agonizing moments, you prepare to move on from this chapter of your life while it flashes before your very eyes.
Robotically, you nod at the DJ who smiles and then hands you the mic, knowing very well what you are about to tell the crowd of people. It feels like you are separated from your body, but your tight grip on the cool metal grounds you and keeps your feet moving to the podium.
Once you come to a standstill and face the crowd, the DJ follows the movement of you bringing the mic to your mouth and lowers the music when you clear your throat.
"May I have everyone's attention, please?"
As expected from a military event, the people quiet themselves particularly fast.
You struggle to breathe for a moment, the weight of your announcement making the lump of nervousness in your throat that much more burdensome to breathe around. As the silence becomes deafening like the night it did in your car, you swallow thickly.
"I'm..." You trail off for a brief second. "I'm sure you all have heard that I will be making an announcement tonight and some of you were probably wondering what it will be."
The sailors of your division are, without surprise, gathered together in a large group. They cheer from the side of the dance floor closest to the bar. No surprise there.
"Hell yeah, Senior Chief!" You recognize GM2 Green’s chirpy voice and internally cringe at the rank she’s just called you. It’s the next rank above your own. The one you should be promoting to.
LPO Promise yells right after her, his deep voice bellowing amongst the hoots and hollers. "Get that promo, girl!"
Blake stands amongst them and smiles sadly at you because he is the only one, besides your captain and division officer, who knows what your announcement is.
Your smile is bittersweet as you regard your division’s support because- as much as you appreciate how happy they are for you- they are dead wrong.
Because you won't be promoting.
"Well, after a lot of thought and tons of paperwork, I can finally deliver my announcement with no going back."
You wince as you see your division grab onto each other with excitement.
"It’s with a heavy heart and so much appreciation to everyone aboard the Hybe that l inform you all that I have been cleared to be discharged at the beginning of February."
The room goes awfully silent before it erupts with congratulatory applause.
And suddenly, your eyes find the flame orange hair in the sea of natural colors.
Hoseok’s face is expressionless as you look at him. You know that he understands what this means for you and what it would have meant if he had just been a little more patient with your love for your work. If he had just waited three more fucking years, the two of you could have been together the way you both wanted.
But what you want is never in your cards. You don’t want to retire; you don’t want to leave your life in the Navy behind.
You don’t want to be physically handicapped.
But you are.
The gunshot wound you took to your shoulder two years ago still burns into your skin as you clench feeling back into your fingers. With so much nerve damage caused by the hollow point of the 9mm bullet that was shot into your axillary nerve, you lost feeling in your shoulder and a good portion of your arm.
Unfortunately, it served as the perfect basis for the Navy to discharge you. You have barely more than two months to find another occupation to make a living.
The trigger-happy dumbass who decided to load his magazine with the unapproved ammunition had accidentally fired it while you were still on range. Although he claimed that his pistol misfired after the ceasefire was called, you knew the guy- he was dangerous and careless when it came to gun safety and it resulted in your injury. Mishandling a deadly weapon will always have its consequences.
The callous sailor got his court martial and dishonorable discharge way before the Navy first informed you of your forced separation.
Thankfully, the people of your division were there with you during your recovery and supported you through the process of rehabilitating the damage. What none of you knew was that the Navy was tracking your injury the entire time and was able to disqualify you because of your permanent physical handicap. No matter how much you want to cry out that it’s not fair, you wouldn’t be able to kid yourself
Life isn't fair, but the decision to let you go is fair. Besides, how could you protect the people you love when you're broken?
You let your eyes leave Hoseok to look at your division who are already approaching the podium with obvious tears in their eyes. You’re surprised to find that you also have tears of your own- tears that were on the verge because of Hoseok and carried out by losing yet another ones- even if your contribution is minuscule- is what drives you in your career. To be retiring after only ten years of service utterly kills you when you think back on how long you planned to stay in upon your enlistment at such a young age.
The Navy is your life. And now? You have to let it go.
“Thank you to everyone- CO, XO, CMC, the entire crew- for being a great team during my last tour.”
The lump in your throat becomes monstrous as your tears stream down your cheeks and your heart breaks. Your voice is much too wobbly to continue for much longer. “It’s been a pleasure serving with you all and I can’t wait to see what you are able to do to carry out our mission towards a better future.” Sniff. “Bora haewa, sailors. May you continue to gain the respect that you all deserve. I wish you fair winds and following seas.”
With that, you leave the podium and return the mic to the DJ who was obviously moved by your speech and now exhibits shiny eyes that he attempts to blink away. Your own tears continue to run down your skin as you repeatedly wipe them off.
You only have two months to get your new life in line and say goodbye to this one yet you merely want to stand watch on the Hybe one more time and joke around with your division. Simpler times you took for granted are now so precious that you find yourself already missing the life even though you will be in for a few more weeks.
“Chief,” Green cries and throws herself on you as leave the DJ table. “Why didn’t you tell us you were leaving us?”
“Good for you.” You could recognize Isom’s drearily monotone voice anywhere even as you dig your face into Green’s shoulder. “You’re finally getting out of this hellhole.”
“Shut your mouth, Isom.” Promise growls. “We don’t need that negativity here. You can obviously tell this means a lot to her.”
“Whatever.” The man replies, rolling his eyes as he almost painfully reaches his hand out to give your shoulder a few pats. “Congratulations.”
Promise replaces the older sailor’s hand with his own, letting his fingers linger to squeeze in comfort. “Congrats on the retirement, Chief. I’m excited to see where your new life takes you.”
“Thanks guys.” You sniffle. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but it was a pretty quick process that was really difficult for me to keep up with.”
"No, we get it." Promise says. Green emits a small 'mhm' as she raises a hand and wipes her nose with the back of it. You can't bear to go without hugging her small frame even more as you see that the white in her eyes has turned red. Promise faces her. “It’ll be good for her."
“And it's time for her to move on." You hear Blake walk up from behind the two of you as he adds on to what Promise has said and it is then that you decide to release Green so that you can turn to him. He smiles at you softly, expectantly, and you return the expression with one of your own, accompanied with outstretched arms.
The hug with him is warm and caring, a rare occurrence for him to be physically affectionate, yet it is because of the few drinks he's had that he decides to communicate his care for you- for once.
People filter to you as the minutes go by so that they can give you their congratulations or upset speeches about why retirement is the end of the road. As saddening as it is to think about what you should do after retirement with your injury, you don't blame your shipmates for bringing it up because they have no idea why you're retiring. They probably think it's easy for veterans to get jobs since they’re so much younger than you.
Your harsh reality is that there aren't many places who would hire a physically disabled person, as awful as it is. In your harsh reality, your veteran status nor your disability status will help much.
The clock at the head table- conveniently placed by the Officer-In-Charge of the event- reads 23:17. Forty-three minutes until midnight and the new year. Should you enter the new year wasted? Or should you just remain sober and cry it out as you truly lose everything you have ever loved?
Blake ensures that you have at least a few drinks in your system before the clock reads 23:45. He was never one to pass up free booze and neither were you, so why would you change that pattern for the new year?
By the time everyone gets settled together, it’s 23:52. You don’t find Hoseok anywhere- that goes without saying that you can’t seem to find Blake nor your other shipmates either. As far as a New Years’ kiss is from your mind, you hope for the bare minimum of someone you care for at least standing next to you. Anything else would just be the icing on the cake.
You search around for a few minutes, slowly feeling the loneliness you’ve felt for years creep into your skull with such adamant ferocity that you merely stand in the back of the crowd and admit your defeat with a large gulp of the drink in your hand. So far, the alcohol you hold and the one before it have provided you with the buzz that stirs in your veins.
At least you feel something.
Suddenly, you spot Blake in the crowd. It's not surprising that he has a woman under his arm- Blake is incredibly good looking- but it's surprising that the woman who wraps her arm around his waist is none other than Green. The sight makes you wonder when that happened.
23:58. Two minutes until the New Year.
You glance down at the drink in your hand and swirl the contents of it with intentions of downing it once the clock reads 00:00.
"Y/N!”
You look up at Blake and Green with a jump of surprise and realize that they are beckoning you over to them.
"Get over here!' Green yells with a rapidly-curling arm.
You make your way over to them quickly, joy coursing through every cell in your body because of the people you care about. It's a small thing that brings you happiness- simply being around your loved ones. When you come to stand next to Blake, you take a look at the clock again.
23:59.
Blake holds Green tighter to his side. You simply hold your drink a little tighter between your fingers.
The sailors of the Hybe begin chanting when it hits the thirty-second mark. In comfortable delight next to the two people who hold most of your heart, you chant with them and look around at the cheering crowd in utter enjoyment.
At six seconds, your voice dies before you can make any more sound. You can't seem to find any air to take into your lungs as you spot orange hair and brown eyes that hold rays of sunlight within them.
He smiles down at her with the light of a thousand glowing stars as she cups his jaw and smiles up at him.
“Three!”
The world slows.
“Two!”
His orange hair drapes onto her forehead as they both lean into eachother.
“One!”
He pulls her more tightly to him by her waist and closes his eyes.
“Happy New Year!”
Your heart breaks all over again as they kiss.
The fanfare of the New Year falls on your deaf ears because all you can seem to process is the constant string of deafening words in your head.
That should be me. That should be me. That should be me.
It's hard to know how, but you manage to break away from Blake and Green, who kiss with such intensity that you have to gasp for your own air. They’re so preoccupied with each other that they don't see the tears in your eyes.
The look on Hoseok’s face was all too familiar. It brings back distant memories you thought you had buried as you gulp down the last of your drink and make a beeline for the door. You need to leave before you make a fool out of yourself.
It's not specifically the kiss that is burned into your skull. The kiss stirs your envy and jealousy in a way that you are used to because of Laci's constant jabs. It stings, but you are familiar with it.
The thing you are not particularly familiar with is the sensation that came before the kiss. This is the sensation that forces you to leave the party through the closest exit.
The feeling is one of acceptance, although you're not sure of how far-reaching the damage is. It's heartbreak and it's happiness all in one emotion yet you cannot place a word on it at all because you've never quite felt it in the volume that you feel it now.
You're heartbroken because you mourn what you've lost with Jung Hoseok. You weep for what could have been yet never was and never will be.
And the never will be is also what you are happy about.
You are happy that the world will continue to be blessed by his smile of ardor. Even though the smile on his lips and the wonderful shine in his eyes are no longer meant for you, it's the fact that he will continue to give it to someone who has truly made him feel the way he used to make you feel. It's because of your never will be that Jung Hoseok has been given what you were too blind to give up- everything.
The look that Hoseok gave Laci is one that would make even a stranger proud of the beautiful things that he has accomplished. The smile of adoration and love is a look you know all too well. It's as familiar as it is heartbreaking.
You remember when he used to look at you like that.
Snow falls steadily on the sidewalk as you order an Uber. You receive a text from Blake that asks where you are, yet you can only seem to ask him to grab your dress jacket as a response.
Don't forget we have drills on Monday is all he says and you huff out a shaky breath of gratitude for how well he knows you. He knows that you need space and you manage to elicit a small smile past your cascading tears.
The Uber arrives soon after you give up on looking at your phone and when you manage to slide into the backseat of it, slightly buzzed, your body slumps into the seat all the way back to your apartment because of how physically and emotionally drained you feel.
You spend the rest of the night in your room, reminiscing about your time with Hoseok.
He asked for you to be his girlfriend in the parking lot that was in front of your ship. The sun was just beginning to set on the horizon of the bay it was ported in. After two months underway, he was there to greet you for family day.
Like any gentleman, he showed up with flowers and charmed himself straight into your heart after so many hangouts with you and the rest of the crew. It was the first time you saw that look in his eyes as he tilted his head down to you.
And right there, in front of so many of your shipmates, he kissed you for the first time.
Taehyung and Jungkook freaked out like the pair of spazzes they were. Hoseok flicked them off behind your back as you wrapped your arms around him, but it wasn’t noticed by you until hours later when Jungkook finally sent the pictures of your first kiss with Hoseok to you.
And you were in love with him then. Just as you are now.
If you really love him, though, you think it’s about time you finally let him go.
You lie in your bed, letting tears stream down to soak into your pillow, and delete the photo- along with all of the others that chronicled your happy days as Hoseok’s.
The number of photos and videos came out to be 1,753.
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It's much too difficult to ignore Namjoon’s voice as he speaks to Taehyung. The bass of it carries a lot farther than the falsetto of Jimin's, who stands with them.
"Yeah, I heard it was so bad that he had to change his locks."
"Oh, no way!" Jimin seems to laugh out of pure astonishment. "She's that crazy?"
Namjoon sips on his drink. “Apparently so.”
For a moment, they’re silent. You take this opportunity to rejoin the group and walk up slowly.
“Does Y/N know?” Jungkook asks.
You quirk your eyebrow when you get to them. “Know what?”
The five men turn to stare at you in surprise and you can see that the youngest one winces.
“Uh…” Jimin trails off, lost. “The…”
None of the men seem to be able to speak. You have obviously reentered the conversation at a bad time.
Finally, once he’s done looking at the others in disdain, Yoongi scoffs. “It’s not like he wants to keep it a secret. She’s our friend too.”
“What’s going on?” You set your drink on the table and put a hand on your hip expectantly.
Yoongi grabs onto your shoulder. “Laci cheated on Hobi.”
Suddenly, you forget about the comedic way the men look like deer caught in headlights. Instead, your blood boils.
“What?”
There’s no happiness gained from the news; you feel no satisfaction from learning of the reason behind the end to his relationship. Hoseok, as much as it was his decision to end things between the two of you, deserves nothing but the best that this world has to give. Knowing that he’s been wronged like this just makes you angry- and feeling a little protective.
“Yeah,” Taehyung has the nerve to laugh. "Turns out she was banging her manager to get that bonus she was gloating about."
"You missed a golden opportunity." Jungkook coughs and brings his soda to his lips to poorly cover up the statement. Taehyung looks at him crookedly, confused, and Jungkook sighs. “She was boning her manager to get that bon-”
Yoongi’s fingers grip a little more tightly into your skin when he cuts off the younger man. "I find this topic hardly appropriate for a retirement party. I just wanted her to know."
Despite his statement, you turn to him. "Is he alright? When did he find out?"
Namjoon speaks up instead, running a hand through his hair. "He was sulking around and hardly came out of his room for a few days. He finally told me about it the day before yesterday."
In the beat of silence that follows the revelation, you worry for Jung Hoseok. Misplaced guilt makes itself known in the feeling of your stomach dropping because you become acutely aware that all of his friends are here, at your retirement party, with you.
"But is he alright?" You repeat the unanswered question adamantly.
A brief pause passes between you and the group of men. No one seems to have the desire to answer you.
"He's a mess," Yoongi sighs, finally. "-but he'll be fine. You know he doesn't like it when we hover."
The older man is right. For as long as you've known him, Hoseok always prefers to do the comforting rather than be comforted. He isn’t a reserved man, but he is less likely to seek help from others because he has his own, private healing system.
Jungkook chuckles. "You should've seen the groupchat when we were talking about the party."
Shit.
You have to take a seat as you process what Jungkook has just said.
Hoseok has just been cheated on; he just broke up with his girlfriend; all of his friends are here at your party while he does whatever he does and handles his issues alone. You didn’t even have the courage to invite him.
The thought makes you feel awful.
“That’s enough.” Yoongi says. “We’re here to celebrate Y/N’s retirement. Let’s not bring up her ex-fiancé anymore, yeah?”
Quietly, the group murmurs in agreement and proceeds to talk about whatever it is they talk about as you turn around to greet more of your former shipmates. The party continues in full.
But you can't seem to get the thoughts of Hoseok out of your head.
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“We’re really glad you decided to join us. Your résumé is really impressive!” The woman, Kyla, walks just slightly in front of you as she speaks.
You smile and shift the box of your belongings in your arms. “Thanks! It was super tough trying to find work around here.”
She turns her head slightly so that you can see the smile on her face. “Oh, I get it. The job search is increasingly difficult these days. I’m glad we found you!”
The workspace is surprisingly homey when you take a look around. At the nineteenth floor of the office building, you expected cubicles and white walls, however, you’re surprised to find that each employee has their own office- granted, they’re a bit small- and each space is decorated differently.
“Employees are free to decorate their spaces as they deem fit. We, at BigHit, believe artistic freedom encourages more efficient production.” Kyla stops in front of an empty office and turns to you. “You are welcome to do the same, Y/N.”
“Thank you,” You can’t help but breathe out the graciousness a little, thankful for the opportunity that has been afforded to you. Although you’re on a military pension due to your honorable discharge, it’s not nearly enough to support a comfortable lifestyle, and you’re still so young- you can’t not work. “I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all we ask for.” Kyla gestures her well-manicured fingers into your space. “Please, make yourself at home. The chief supervisor of this floor will come by to help you settle in soon.”
You squeeze in through the door with your box in hand and misty eyes. After two months of job-searching and extremely strict budgeting, you finally have a job. Not only will you be able to relax in your apartment now, but you will be able to support yourself even more than you did before. Life is finally getting better.
Your new office is quite small; it seems to be a standard eight-by-ten workspace with a desk perpendicular to the far-right wall, a company-provided desktop computer, and a set of drawers against the wall that sit next to the desk. Although it’s not much, you begin picturing all of the ways you can make it your own because, after all, you’re extremely lucky to have landed the job in the first place.
“Again, Kyla,” You set your box down onto the desk and turn to her. “Thank you.”
She laughs lightly and begins walking towards the door. “I’m just here to make sure you’re happy and content. The chief supervisor is actually the one who signed off your application, so save all that for him. Let me know if you need anything- anything at all- and I’ll be here to work it out.”
You nod and reach into your box to start taking your things out. “Sounds good.”
“Oh, and Y/N?” Kyla pauses, halfway out the door, and turns to you again. You stop to look at her with questioning eyes.
“Thank you for your service.”
You’ve heard the phrase hundreds of times before, yet it still sends you into a fit of confusion when someone hits you with it.
Did you really serve? Was your time fulfilling maintenance requests and working on heavy machinery enough to be considered service to your country?
Are you enough?
“Uh,” You scramble for the right words awkwardly. “Th-thank you for your support.”
Kyla nods, smiles, and then leaves with the closing of your door.
Twenty minutes and an empty cardboard box later, you sit in front of your new desktop monitor when there’s a knock on your door. It’s a familiar cadence that taps to a specific beat, yet you can’t place where you know it from.
“Come in!” You voice at a volume a little less than a yell. There’s a beat of hesitation before the knob turns.
Ever so slowly, the door opens.
Flame orange hair.
Mocha brown eyes.
Jung fucking Hoseok.
Your heart drops to the floor as your ex-fiancé stands in the doorway. Suddenly, all of the air in the room seems to be vacuumed out. He’s stolen it, rendering your ability to breathe practically nonexistent.
“H-Hoseok?” You stutter his name. “W-what’re you-”
“I’m- uh-” He seems to be just as dismayed as you, eyebrows furrowing incredibly hard whilst he looks at the floor. “I’m the Chief Supervisor.”
Dumbly, you continue to stare at him in silence, at a loss for words. He speaks again. “I see you’ve- er- settled in well.”
His brown eyes are inquisitive and shocked, although you don’t understand why.
If anything, you should be the one who’s surprised seeing as he’s apparently the one who hired you. He saw your name on the application- allegedly, he’s the one who approved it- so why does it look like he walked into the wrong office?
“Kyla helped me out.” You struggle to make small talk with him, scurrying for development yet becoming unsure of how to go about conversing with him.
You eye Hoseok critically, wondering why he’s being so awkward, and note the way his natural brown hair begins to push the orange out to reveal itself at its roots in an almost natural way. It gives away that he’s gotten his hair done since the last time you saw him on New Years Eve.
His eyes look tired because of the bags under them, something you’re not used to, yet he seems to have gained the smallest bit of mass around his shoulders and arms. Despite what he’s gone through in the last few months, he looks good.
And as much as you’d love to hate him, you still can’t.
“I’m glad to hear that.” Hoseok’s voice is almost a whisper, yet you can still hear the slight edge of bass that you used to love so much. Almost delicately, he steps into your office and you eye when he places his hand on the door to close it. Then, he decides against it, dropping his arm back to his side while he takes another step to stand in front of your desk. “Were you able to access your profile yet?
It’s hard to speak past the lump in your throat as you look up at him from your chair. “Not yet, no.”
“Wait,” He shifts his weight to the other foot and crosses his arms over his chest almost as if he’s trying to protect himself. His body language practically screams that he’s uneasy. “Did Kyla give you your log-in information yet?”
“She didn’t,” you answer him.
He toes the ground awkwardly. “Oh…”
In the tiny and quiet space of your office, the two of you go silent. Neither one of you speak for a few seconds.
Hesitantly, Hoseok grabs the back of the chair in front of your desk and moves to sit.
“So…” His voice is uneven. His eyes meet yours and there is something in them that throws you off. “How’ve you been?”
The tension in the question is palpable, although you can’t seem to place what kind of tension it is. Is it guilt? Obligation?
Sexual?
Suddenly, you can feel his hands skating up your thighs and coming to rest at your waist. His arms pulling you close to his warm body. Loving kisses to your cheeks and the corners of your lips.
The ghost of his touch hits you like a truck as he sits there and expects an answer from you. You have to shudder out a breath to collect yourself from the notion of missing his touch and love.
“I’ve been better,” you clear your throat. “But I’ve been worse.”
Hoseok’s smile is small and courteous, although, it is easy to see that something has changed him since the last time you saw him smile. His smile was blinding and beautiful when you saw him on New Years, but now? The light that contested the sun is nowhere to be seen.
He looks down at the floor again, breaking the line of tension and allowing you space to breathe. “I guess that’s… good.”
It’s easy to see that he’s lost. His lack of confidence is horribly obvious in the face of your judgement. The room goes quiet again and you can hear your own heartbeat pulsing in your ears because of how much it quickens from the situation.
“So you’re the one who hired me?” You place your hands onto your desk and lean into the question.
Hoseok raises his hand to the back of his neck and rubs sheepishly. “Oh- uh- yeah. I did.”
“Why?”
It’s a million-dollar question. One that has a simple answer. It could be dealt with professionally and truthfully with the way Kyla explained it earlier. He could take care of it smoothly and cleanly and move on with your professional relationship. But you don’t want him to.
Because, after all this time, you realize-
You still hope that he will come back to you.
The possibility that he hired you because he still cares about you lingers in the back of your mind. Even if he still cares about you as a friend, you cling to that hope like a koala clings to a tree. Jung Hoseok is a good person and you want him in your life in any way that you can have him.
Despite the fact that he gave up on you.
“I saw your application,” he says. “You’re more than qualified for this job.”
The statement does not satisfy your hopeful thoughts; instead of the answer you wanted, you got the answer that you needed.
It’s enough for you to see a future with Hoseok in it, but it’s not enough for a future that you thought about once upon a time. It’s also enough for you to know that he is no longer in love with you. That ship sailed long before you were forced to accept it.
Now that you have gotten to speak to him cordially and seen that there is nothing but friendly attitude, you can finally put any remaining reservations you had for him down into the grave of who you used to be.
“Well,” you say after a moment, clearing your throat of emotion. “Thank you for the opportunity. It was really hard to find a job.”
“It’ll be nice to have you around.” He smiles the smallest of smiles.
And in his eyes, you see the beginning rays of a sunrise.
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“So, Y/N!”
Yeonjun yells a little over the music of the bar. You look at him with a quirked eyebrow.
“What brought you to BigHit?”
You set your glass on the table and turn your body to face him while the others continue to eat their food.
“I actually stumbled across it on Indeed! I saw they were hiring a technician and I needed a job really bad so I applied.”
He places his cheek on his hand and nods while you speak. When you give him the straightforward answer, he leans in a little. “Do you like it here so far?”
“It’s very nice.” You smile genuinely even though you’ve heard the question hundreds of times in the last four days. “It’s a huge culture shock.”
RaKeisha turns her head to look at you. “Oh yeah! You did tell me that you used to be in the military! I can’t imagine how much more lax it is.”
“Loads.” You laugh.
RaKeisha’s words seem to incite curiosity in Yeonjun.
“Oh?” He asks. “You were in the military?”
You nod and pick up your drink. “For ten years.”
The man hardly misses a beat before he says, “Military women are pretty admirable.”
The table of your new coworkers goes silent for a split second before erupting into a chorus of ohhhhhhh’s that make you duck your head in embarrassment.
“Christ.” You mutter and smile bashfully, blushing into your cup before taking another sip.
Another one of your coworkers, Soobin, claps a hand onto Yeonjun’s shoulder. “My man!”
As the dinner continues, you think more and more about the man who sits at the other end of the table. He casts you glances every now and then with the slightest of grins on his lips. He’s a little cute.
His blonde hair shines under the low light and his eyes are borderline flirtatious. You note the way his full lips twitch just slightly every time you make eye contact with him. He’s young- younger than you by a few years, you think- but he still carries himself like a man. Although his eyes are not full of sunshine, they are full of potential.
You like potential.
After twenty minutes of the back and forth, you finally smile back at him.
A chair scrapes loudly and the sound of cutlery clattering on the table distracts you from the moment. Everyone turns their heads towards the interruption.
Hoseok walks away briskly in his gray suit, however, you see a slight sway to his step that causes his path to become partially diagonal as he makes his way towards the restroom. It makes it obvious that he has begun to feel the alcohol that he’s been drinking.
He doesn’t turn around once.
RaKeisha furrows her eyebrows in confusion and leans in to whisper to you. “What was that about? Is he going to throw up or something?”
You brush off the strange action. It isn’t your business to meddle in his affairs anymore. To maintain the professionalism he set when he first came to talk to you, you shrug in response to your coworkers question.
“I don’t know. Something.”
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"♨️Keep your clothes warm♨️"
The caption on your screen is short as you stare at the photos you’ve come across.
You lie in your bed and hold your phone while you lay on your side, scrolling through Hoseok’s instagram page in deep thought. Only recently did the two of you begin following each other again.
In the photo collection that is accompanied by the caption, he wore a Louis Vuitton scarf and a brown skull cap that concealed his eyes. He posed in an elevator where he used a certain filter that caused a fish-eye effect from the floor of it. You can’t help the small smile at how dorky he looks in each of the photos.
He’s just as dorky as you remember.
Yeonjun
iMessage
The notification slides down from the top of your screen and you quickly click it to get yourself out of the mild stalking you’re doing.
Fancy some more ice cream?
You smile at the message and then look at the time on your phone. It reads 11:24.
Kinda late to be getting ice cream, don’t you think?
His response bubble pops up almost immediately after your message is delivered.
We went out at like
2 am last time
You scoff and tap away at your phone.
We didn’t have work the next morning lol
Yeonjun replies quickly.
So? We won’t be long. I’ll pick you up in 20 mins
You roll your eyes at him, wondering how he manages to be so cute yet so annoying. Still, you get up and put on some shorts and a t-shirt.
Your adventures with Yeonjun have become normal in the last month or so. Even though he is increasingly flirtatious with you, he likes to keep what you do together private. No one at work knows of how the first team dinner kicked off a potential situationship with the man. It’s a little exhilarating. It makes you feel younger.
You’d like to think it’s a little game; there is obvious tension between him and you, but you are not going to be the one to make the first move, given your history, and, apparently, neither is he. Whoever gives in first? Well…
You’ll get to that part when you get there.
You also find that it is much too difficult to ignore the fact that you are afraid of what Hoseok would think of you finally getting into another relationship after all these years. Even as you walk out of your door and take the elevator to meet Yeonjun in the lobby, you quickly remedy the thought with a correction- you are afraid of what your Chief Supervisor would think of two of his employees getting into a relationship.
“There she is.” Yeonjun stands by the door and smiles at you, raising his hand to offer you the smallest of waves.
You smile back. “Here I am.”
The two of you head to his car in the warm spring night, giggling like teenagers when you resume your efforts of trying to trip each other. You finally get into the car with slight tears in your eyes from how hard you were laughing when his face was graced with a look of shock after actually stumbling.
You can feel the chemistry as he drives. You feel the attraction. He is undoubtedly handsome as he props an arm up on the steering wheel and hums along with the song playing on his stereo. If all of his flirtations are evidence of it, you think that he just might have feelings for you.
Maybe you can develop some for him too.
Rita’s stares back at you as the two of you pull up to the establishment. A short line of people stand in front of the window where a young girl serves her customers. She looks like she’s still in high school. You glance down and unbuckle your seatbelt as the brief thought of I remember being that young skates across your mind.
Everything is routine at this point; Yeonjun waits at the front of his car for you, you smile at him and he smiles at you excitedly- ‘gosh, it’s really nice to be doing this with you’- and you walk up to the line together. The place is always busier on Friday nights.
But then a wrench is thrown into your routine.
Yeonjun’s arm encircles your waist when the two of you stop at the back of the line. There’s hesitation in the way he does it. You can feel it in the way his fingers just barely feather against your hip, pull away, and then press completely down so that they can fully hold you.
It’s impossible to stop your head from looking up at him in surprise. Although it’s not the reaction you think he wanted you to have, you try to play it off by arching an eyebrow at him.
“Getting a little brave, are we?” You tease.
“Only for you, sweetheart.”
His response is smooth and quick. The way he lowered his voice to say it makes your heart lurch in your chest and your breathing falter for just a moment. How exciting.
Countless customers are served and, before you know it, you’re standing at the front and ordering alongside Yeonjun. A brief argument about who will pay and you begrudgingly letting him hand over his card later, you leave the window with him stuck to your side.
As you wait for your orders, he keeps his arm around your waist. It’s almost instinct for you to place your hand to his stomach because of how close you are to him. You can’t let him be the only one that proceeds forward now that he’s made a move. Another boundary has been passed and it’s your turn to meet the new one.
Yeonjun’s heart beats against your fingertips, strongly and surely pulsing below his skin. He’s warm and comfortable in your embrace. Being so close to him, so cozy, has you feeling a type of excitement that you haven’t felt since…
Hoseok.
The thought of him turns you cold instantly. You don’t have the slightest clue as to why it feels like his name breaks you out of a stupor- what about your current situation makes you stupid?
When the young girl calls Yeonjun’s name for the order, you detach from him quickly. For whatever reason, you can’t stay near him after thinking about your ex. It feels wrong.
You know that the sensation of being with Yeonjun opens you up to a potential relationship with him- if nothing else, a friend with benefits situation that can take care of your needs- so why doesn’t it feel right?
Even as Yeonjun looks at you with furrowed eyebrows, confused with why you’re rushing away from him, you wince- a confirmation that something is up. You’ve never been one to conceal your emotions well- you faced hell for it during your time in the military.
When you walk back over to him with your orders in hand, he still has the same look of perplexity on his face.
“You okay?” He asks.
You were expecting the question. It doesn't make answering it any easier, though.
"I..." You trail. "I don't know."
His eyes get a little wide and he clasps his hands together nervously. "D-did I... Did I make you uncomfortable?"
Quickly, you rush to comfort his worries. "No no, you didn't." You take a breath to try calming yourself so that you can organize your raging thoughts. "I'm just... thinking about some things."
"Some... things..." Yeonjun echoes what you've just said with puzzlement. Enough time has passed since you were served that his order of mint chocolate ice cream begins to melt just slightly. "Are they things I should be worried about?"
A burst of courage suddenly hits you. Without worrying any more about it, you grab his free hand and pull him away from the crowded area so that you can gain some privacy with the conversation.. "Yeonjun? I'm going to be honest with you."
"Okay..." He’s visibly confused as he raises his ice cream to his lips and licks up some of the dripping cream.
"But first," You say, taking a breath. It’s now or never.
“I need you to kiss me.”
Even as you say the words, you’re surprised that you actually say them aloud. The look of shock on his face is replicated with your own because neither of you were expecting to hear it.
“W-what?”
“Please,” you rush. “Just kiss me.”
“Y/N… not that I don’t want to,” You think he looks mildly horrified by your statement as he sits on the curb. “But why?”
“Because I-” You cut yourself off and go to sit down beside him, trying to figure out how to say what you want to say and panicking a little when no words come out. “- because-”
The sound of stuttering brings back the concerned look on his face. Your mild freak out has obviously made him uneasy.
“Hey,” He leans forward and grabs ahold of your hand in his. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to tell me now, okay? I’m just not sure I want our first kiss to be something that you need. I want you to want it.”
Yeonjun’s words stop your blazing path of courage in its spot. Do you want to kiss him?
You’ll give it to him; Yeonjun is hot. His blonde hair falls over beautifully brown eyes and frames his face when it stops right at his cheekbones. You think he looks like he could be in a movie when he slicks his hair back for work.
His lips are kissable. They’re full and plump and so pink as he stands and stares at you in expectation. No matter how much you can see the possibility of kissing him in your head, though, you’re left wondering- do you want that possibility to become a reality?
It could possibly remove you of the leftover feelings you have for Hoseok. You know that people get into relationships to get over old ones everyday; are you the type of person who needs a new guy to move on?
On the other end of the spectrum, kissing him could prove to you that you haven’t truly moved on from Hoseok.
Desperately, you want to find out, so- yes- you want to kiss him.
“Yeonjun,”
You whisper his name and place your hand over his. His fingers dig into your skin lightly and you scoot closer to him to remove the extra space. When he looks down at you headily, you press your chest to his. “I want you to kiss me.”
His free hand is slow to move. It skates up your side and gently cups your jaw to accompany his face as he leans in.
“Are you sure?”
His question is whispered mere inches away from your lips. Within the few moments he used to lean in, you started holding your breath. You don’t know why, though. Are you excited? Or nervous?
Rather than think about it any longer, you bring back your potent burst of intrepidity.
You barely get the ‘I’m sure’ out before you’re wrapping your arms around his neck and closing the remaining distance.
Yeonjun's lips are soft as they smash up against yours and you have to sigh at the sensation. He’s warm, embrace tight and secure, as he pulls you against him, and his breath tastes like mint chocolate. Although you don’t particularly favor his flavor of ice cream, it tastes wonderful when he slips his tongue onto the edge of your bottom lip to lave against it.
Yeonjun lets his hand on your face drop to your bent knee and squeezes it gently while he moves his lips against yours. Your heart rate picks up and your spine tingles with excitement because it's everything you’ve ever wanted in a first kiss with someone.
But that's just what it is- a kiss with someone.
Your body reacts naturally to having intimate, physical contact with a human being, but you realize that butterflies don't fill your stomach. Your thighs clench together with lust, but there is no passion. The possibilities of a future with this man are hardly there as he lowly grunts.
In this moment of time, where you share your breaths with someone who isn’t Jung Hoseok, you can’t help but feel like it is the most unnatural thing in the universe.
No one can make you feel the same and, because you kissed Yeonjun, you know for sure now- you're still not over Hoseok.
In your study of the kiss, you fail to reciprocate his lips' movements and go still. He must notice that your fervor is gone because his rhythm against you drastically slows.
Deliberately but surely, Yeonjun pulls away with a satisfied exhale on his lips and his eyes fluttering open. You can tell from the way he looks at you dreamily that he felt a lot more in the kiss than you did.
As you part your lips to take a breath, you feel how well-kissed they are. They tingle, and remnants of mint chocolate still sit on your lips when you lick them. Damn, he's a pretty good kisser. It’s shallow to think it, but you figure it’s your mind’s way of trying to soothe yourself.
"So," he whispers. You look at him with your hands still around his neck, unsure of how to handle the revelation. "I'm not the one, huh?"
The question burns your chest and makes you feel so guilty that you let your lips part to take an exhale of shocked shame. It’s so heavy and cumbersome that your heart breaks for him that very moment.
You lean your forehead against his and close your eyes while you try to sort out your thoughts.
“Yeonjun…” You hesitate again. It’s becoming more difficult to speak. “I…”
He pulls away to put his hand back on your cheek and thumb over your cheekbone.
“Is there someone else?”
You wince sheepishly. "Not exactly. It's... It's complicated."
Yeonjun chuckles at your words and slowly relaxes his hold on you. "I see. So it's like that."
"It is." You stiffly nod to confirm his thoughts.
The man who sits in front of you has a disheartened smile on his lips. The look tears you apart because the last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. As much as you feel bad for him, though, you know that you can’t delay the inevitable.
"Thank you."
Yeonjun expresses his gratefulness lowly and removes his arm from around you so that he can lean away and pick up his abandoned ice cream. Guilt and confusion still prevent you from doing the same.
"For what?" you ask.
Thoughtfully, he chews on his ice cream and then looks at you with a click of his tongue.
"For being honest with me." His smile turns crooked as he regards you. "It saved me from a lot of hurt."
His statement wasn't meant to make you feel guilty you don't think- Yeonjun doesn't seem like the petty type- yet you feel the ugliness of the sensation pressing on your chest like a truck. It makes the task of breathing just that much harder.
"Yeonjun, I'm-"
"Don't apologize." He cuts you off and places a hand on your shoulder.
"But, Yeonjun-"
"No ‘buts’, Y/N. I’m already so lucky that you even gave me a chance."
Suddenly, you look at him, feeling even more horrible because the compliment manages to actually flatter you. He’s too kind for his own good.
“Oh, come on, Jun. It’s not all that.”
Yeonjun smiles and looks at the ground with a blush on his cheeks.
“It is, though,” he says. “All of us at the office know how amazing you are. Soobin, Chanyeol, Mr. Jung-” You choke and splutter in shock from the unexpected name. With a quirked and worried eyebrow, he trails off. “-Mark… Y/N, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” You clear your throat and pump your fist to your chest a few times to try assisting your struggle. “Just choked on my spit a little.”
“O… kay…” He shakes his head and continues. “As I was saying, all the guys think you’re an amazing woman. They talk about you all the time.”
“Even Hoseok?”
Oh fuck. You were not supposed to fucking say that.
In a panic, your eyes widen as he narrows his at you.
"Is he the one who's making it complicated?"
You’re rushing to mend your slip up before you can even think about it.
“No! No. Uh…” You swallow thickly. “I was just wondering because- uh…” Shit. Think of something. “… because he’s our Chief Supervisor! It’s a little weird. Heh.” Nervously, you laugh, applauding yourself for coming up with something so quick. Once you finish laughing, you search his eyes to see if he’s bought your excuse.
Yeonjun’s face is unmoving for a moment, his eyes still picking you apart like you are an unsolved mystery, and it makes your heart leap away with anxiety.
Then, his face relaxes and he chuckles. “Well, yeah. Even Mr. Jung talks about you.”
You can’t press any further into the topic of your ex because it would allow Yeonjun to see right through your lie.
“That’s so weird,” you say instead. You need to make the conversation general again. “All of you talk about me?”
“Yep.” He struggles to answer you past his new mouthful of ice cream. “Ever since they saw me flirting with you at that team dinner.”
“Oh, good god.” You accidentally snort as you cover your face with your hand. “It’s been that long?”
Again, he takes a mouthful. “Mhm. ‘ou should sh-ee how much Chan-eol and Mish’ter Jung tal’ abou- ‘ou.” He swallows the melted dessert. “They’re like teenagers in high school.”
“What do they say?”
You ask the question with curiosity and hope bubbling up in your chest like fragile butterflies that have been blown away countless times before. They shudder under the weight of the pressure that the memories cause. It’s hard to forget what has happened to them over the years.
“Well, they talk about your work ethic a lot. And how you look extra beautiful when you’re working hard.”
The comment shocks you. You were prepared to hear something about your physical appearance, so when you hear Yeonjun point out something that’s not exactly physical- as you expected from a group of men- you become pleasantly surprised.
“Really?”
“You get this look on your face when you focus,” he says thoughtfully. “Your eyebrows kinda come together and everything. It’s really pretty.”
You become flushed and duck your head to begin eating your own dessert as something to occupy your facial features.
As flustered as you are by Yeonjun’s compliments, you find it’s hard to think about them when you've just been told that Jung Hoseok talks about you like he's not your ex-fiancé.
"Thanks, Jun…"
There’s an uneasy feeling that comes with the knowledge. It’s hard to think with people around you. After a beat, you speak your need.
"Actually… Can you take me home?”
He winces. "Did I make you uncomfortable?"
"You didn't..." you say, stressing the first word so that he knows you are actually uncomfortable. "But I think I'd like to be alone for the rest of the night. It's getting late anyway."
"I understand."
Yeonjun gets up and gives a few brushes to his backside to remove his shorts of any dirt that might be clinging there.
Your ice cream, forgotten, sits on the pavement as you walk back towards the car. Your mind is too muddled to remember it.
Yeonjun frowns, picks it up, and tosses it into the nearby trash can.
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Now that you know to look, you can feel his eyes on you as you pour yourself another cup of coffee in the break room.
It’s your third one today. Wait, is it the fourth? Or fifth? You’d like to think that the reasoning behind you losing count is because of how focused you are on your work, but you know that the coffee has been unnecessary since the second cup. There’s no way around the fact that you’ve lost count because you keep getting cups so that you can see him put his eyes on you.
Since Yeonjun told you of your obvious influence on the men of the office, you’ve been especially watchful of whose eyes linger on you. It’s quite difficult, at first, until you realize that they all manage to avert their gazes just fast enough when you let yourself search.
But his eyes- Hoseok’s- they linger just the slightest bit too long. It’s long enough for you to see that he is looking at you with with a blank expression on his face. You expected curiosity or distaste- hate, even- but his face is almost devoid of any emotion. It’s certainly beginning to throw you off.
It throws you off so much that you pour the coffee until it spills over the sides of your mug.
“Shit,” you mutter and back away from the edge of the counter as it threatens to spill over onto the floor.
“Whoa there,” a familiar voice says from behind you. You turn to look at who you know to be Yeonjun lurking behind you. “What happened here?”
You sigh in frustration and turn to face him after putting the cup down. “Just kind of lost myself for a second and stopped paying attention.”
He smiles softly and reaches past you to grab some of the napkins from the dispenser. “Here, let me help.”
The two of you begin sopping up the spilled coffee and you keep your eyes down while the heat of embarrassment rises on your cheeks. Yeonjun tries to reassure you that what’s happened is nothing, ‘relax, babe,’ yet you can’t help but feel mortified that you made such a slip in front of your Chief Supervisor- in front of your ex-fiancé.
Once the coffee is cleaned, you both turn to toss the napkins in your hands into the trash can.
Thunk!
Yeonjun’s shoulder bumps into your forehead as he turns towards you at the same time that you turn towards him. You immediately shoot your hand up to soothe the dull ache that the force has incited and the man is quick to do the same to comfort you.
“Oh fuck,” He grabs onto your shoulder and leans down to look into your downturned face. “I’m so sorry.”
“You’re good.” You wince, rubbing your forehead affectionately. It only takes a brief moment for you to remember that someone else has seen the entire interaction and you quickly jerk your head in the direction of where you know him to be standing.
Brown eyes no longer train your figure. In fact, he has completely left the break room.
His absence leaves a terribly noticeable emptiness in your chest.
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Glasses clink together and beers slightly spill over the edges from the contact. A chorus of cheers accompany the movement.
“Congrats, team! Another fiscal for the books!”
Hoseok smiles brightly as he regards his team, loving every moment of the camaraderie. He lets his eyes sweep over every member who bring their glasses to their lips and watches as each one takes sips and gulps of the golden beverage.
“Chug! Chug! Chug!”
The man’s attention is drawn to his accounting manager, Yeonjun, as he continues to gulp when everyone else has ceased. As soon as he sees Yeonjun, though, he also sees you egging him on with the most excited of smiles on your face.
Hoseok can’t help but try to distract himself with the bitter taste of the beer.
He hates the idea of the two of you, but rumors about how you began spending time with the younger man started circulating the office ages ago. It's an unavoidable truth now.
He sees the way Yeonjun makes you happy; he noticed the way you became no longer interested in anything to do with himself mere weeks after you first started; Hoseok grew to accept that you no longer loved him long before he, himself, had begun to lose those feelings.
Just one more hug.
You gave the best hugs in his opinion.
Even as you lean into Yeonjun while he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, Hoseok can’t think of anything but being able to wrap his arms around you and pull you to him one more time. You had this habit of giggling whenever he picked a random moment to encase you in his embrace and he used to revel in the feeling of your body vibrating with happiness against his own.
Now, he begs for the sensation.
If he were brave, he’d throw all caution to the wind and march right over to you so that he could feel your hug again. He would press his nose into your neck and crush you to him like he wants whilst everyone else watches their boss crumble below your fingertips.
But he’s not brave. He’s a fucking coward. Hoseok proved the statement to himself when he cancelled his engagement and broke up with you.
He was too much of a coward to handle your lifestyle. He wasn’t brave enough to continue loving you even after the fact because he wasn’t able to charge through the obstacles that came with loving someone in the military. Worst of all, he was too much of a chicken to approach you on the night of the New Years’ party. He was so ashamed that he couldn’t even look at you.
So he dyed his hair flame orange.
Don’t get him wrong- he definitely likes the style- but he wouldn’t do something crazy like that on a normal day and he could definitely think of a few other aesthetic things he could do to his body to make you look at him.
Maybe an eyebrow piercing. Maybe a lip piercing. Hoseok doubled back on those thoughts when he thought about their more permanent- and painful- consequences.
So he ended up dying his hair. He did it so that you’d have to instinctually look at the strong color; so that you’d have to look at him first.
He also got himself a girlfriend. Maybe it would spur the jealousy in you so that he could know for sure if you still cared or not.
To say that his plan worked was the truth- you undoubtedly eyed his hair when he stepped in front of you after Laci approached you- but you didn’t look at him in the way that he wanted you to. In fact, you almost seemed to dote on his relationship like a proud mother. The notion made him frustrated.
Because you were happy for him; he didn’t want you to be happy for him. He’s usually so good at keeping his emotions concealed from those around him, but when he had Laci on his side and your happy eyes driving him further into the ground, he couldn’t help but feel the guilt of a thousand criminals weighing on his psyche.
That’s what he is, anyway. A criminal. He had no right to do what he did to you.
Hoseok is very aware of the pain he caused you on the night that he left you and he is also conscious of the fact that you felt that pain for a very long time from the way Namjoon had explained it. He’d heard through the grape vine that you stopped talking to the guys as often as you used to and that you had been in a handful of reckless situations after the breakup. For crying out loud, you’d apparently gotten fucking shot.
It seems that that stage of your life has long been over, though.
You sit so content now, next to Yeonjun, and you have a beautiful smile on your lips that displays just how much you’ve grown since being his fiancé.
He hates the idea of you with someone else now but he loves the idea of you being content. When you left the New Years’ party, he knew that any future he had with you was over and done with. It didn’t matter that you were retiring- any hope he might have had to maybe be yours again was long gone.
Like he did at many of the team dinners before, Hoseok gets up with jealousy pushing his anger to the visible surface. His chair scrapes loudly against the floor despite the loud commotion of the occupants in the restaurant and he can feel the eyes of his employees on him as he begins stalking angrily away.
The bathroom at this place has become his sanctuary by this point. He finds that he makes an escape to it every time they come here after work. His own little solitude, away from the chaos that you bring into his mind at these dinners, serves as the perfect oasis to calm him down.
Hoseok follows the corridor down to where the single bathroom sits nudged into the center, under a lone ceiling light, and he goes to grab the brass knob but finds it locked.
Sighing heavily, he leans against the wall and tips his head back with his eyes closed in wait. Many things cross his mind now that he's separated himself from the loudness of the team dinner.
Unsure of how much time has gone by, he blames the lengthy silence for how much he jumps when the door finally opens and RaKeisha steps out.
“Mr. Jung?“
He smiles quickly to cover up the unsound state of his mind.
"You took your time,” he jokes.
The woman steps out from the bathroom slowly, unsurely, and he can tell from the way she slightly missteps that the alcohol has begun to affect her equilibrium.
"I'm sorry, sir. I was just trying to freshen up a little."
"Don't fret, Kei. I was just messing around. And how many times must I tell you to call me Hoseok at these functions?"
She giggles lightly and begins to walk forward. "At least once more, Mr. Jung."
Suddenly, she stumbles, and he instinctively rushes to catch her.
Hoseok grunts with effort as she spills into his arms heavily. Her hands fly desperately to assist in catching herself and she makes a small sound- a squeak- as she was preparing to meet her end.
He's able to steady her after a few struggle-filled moments and he's thankful that he acted quick enough to keep her from tumbling onto the floor.
“Are you okay?” He asks, looking down at her worriedly.
She chuckles sheepishly with embarrassment.
“I am.”
And then she looks up at him with those eyes.
Somehow, they look like yours.
Rakeisha’s skin complexion is much different from yours. Her eyebrows are shaped differently and her hair isn't the same. Overall, she looks nothing like you.
But the way she looks at him is the way you once did.
Rakeisha's eyes are wide and undeniably beautiful as she looks up at him and he can't help but only see you as her face gets close to his. Your nose, your lips, your eyelashes; you stare up at him as he stares down at you.
“Hoseok,” you whisper in the voice that isn't yours. His heart gallops away in his chest as he scrambles to clear his mind of the illusion. His arms tighten around the body that isn't yours, yet his mind remembers exactly what it was like to hold you so intimately.
And then you lean in. And so does he.
Hoseok kisses the lips that aren't yours as if they are, clutching tightly onto you so that he can pour out everything he feels for you to let you know he wanted to come back to you. He really did. And now, it’s too late.
But then, you gasp. The real you gasps.
He thinks he imagines it as he feels his adrenaline pump in his veins and his heart hammer away in his chest. Maybe you feel it when he tightens his arms around you and pulls you so that your chest presses against his own. He wants you to feel everything.
But then, the illusion is gone and it is RaKeisha who still stands fused to his body. You are not the one he holds like his life depends on it. He’s not holding the one who truly makes him happy.
Hoseok turns to look at your wide, shocked eyes with RaKeisha still chasing after his lips in his arms.
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Looking back, continuing to hang out with Yeonjun whilst knowing that he wanted to be with you may not have been your wisest decision.
The both of you agreed that you did not want anything like that- it's purely friendship at this point- but you can't help the shame that comes with yet another failed attempt at moving on. It's now been almost four years since the separation and you've failed every time you tried again.
But when you see Hoseok storm off to the bathroom yet again, you can't help the small itch at the back of your mind that tells you that it could be because of you.
You want your presence to irritate him. You want him to be bothered by the fact that you're being friendly with another guy. The idea of making Hoseok jealous is much too enticing to resist.
Is this yet another red flag?
Meh.
The likelihood that his jealousy stems from being without you is extremely minuscule- if not nonexistent. It's a lot more likely that he's jealous of you.
He's also failed at getting into another relationship since Laci and it might have torn him up a lot more than he lets on. And, although the two of them are no longer together, you tend to catch yourself comparing yourself to her on occasion.
The dinner continues without your Chief Supervisor and people begin to get antsy because of his absence. A few of the younger employees get a little out of hand and the older ones wonder where he is so that he can instill some professionalism back into the group.
You volunteer to go check on him without thinking twice about it. Must be the beer.
You leave the large room, following Hoseok’s path, and look down at the floor unconsciously so that you can walk straighter. Part of you wonders if he’s actually using the bathroom or if he’s just sitting in there shutting himself away like he does when he’s overcome with emotion.
When you look up, the hallway to the bathroom is dark yet the door to it is lit by the ceiling light right above it like a spotlight. It allows you to see the silhouettes of two people entangled with each other. Immediately, you recognize the shape of Hoseok’s hair draped over whoever he is bound to. It falls just long enough to touch her forehead.
He grunts softly and his arms tighten around whoever he’s with as you get closer, yet your steps are losing the speed they were at before because you realize that your heart is quickly crumbling to the floor.
When you get close enough, you pick out the locks on RaKeisha’s head dangling down. Hoseok holds her to him so tightly that her back is forced to bow her body into him.
You couldn’t stop the gasp from leaving your lips if you tried. The sight punches a hole in your chest and the air from your lungs.
They don’t move at the sound of your breath, yet they detach from each other quickly after another beat of heated kissing and tightening arms. As if they convey ‘I don’t want to let you go.’ Your emotions are a maelstrom in your head and the chaos makes it seem like things move in slow motion.
Hoseok brings his hand up to thumb at the corner of his lips. RaKeisha adjusts her shirt back over her stomach because it had somehow ridden up over her waist while they were kissing.
“Y/N-” she starts, swallowing thickly. “I- uh-”
Even though you know you shouldn’t be, you feel extremely petty and unnaturally jealous of her as you wait for her to spout some nonsense to you. She’s your friend, yet the audacity she had to kiss your ex-fiancé- even though she didn’t know about your history with him at all- temporarily wipes you of common sense.
“Y/N,” Hoseok speaks instead, out of breath and donning an extremely guilty look on his face. It’s too dark to tell, but you’re almost one hundred percent sure that he’d look pale if you could see him properly.
“It’s not what it looks like.”
You have to resist the urge to roll your eyes. The pettiness has left a bitter taste on your tongue and a block of ice in place of your heart. It prevents you from putting any effort towards trying to understand the situation because- oh, for fuck’s sake- it’s obvious that it is exactly what it looks like.
“I didn’t ask,” you say. Okay, maybe you drank a bit more than you thought. You’re not usually this short with people.
Hoseok hesitates for a moment while RaKeisha ducks her head and books it. The retreat leaves you alone with him.
“Okay.” His voice is lowered by the uncertainty in it.
You respond almost automatically. “Okay.”
He stands there, head lowered, and purses his lips while you stare at him observantly. He can’t seem to meet your eyes because of how you’re looking at him. Good, you muse. You hope he feels small.
“Well,” You suck in a breath, bring your lips between your teeth, and begin to turn away. “I’m going back to the dinner.”
“Y/N-” He stumbles forward as he reaches out. “Wait.”
“Why the fuck would I wait for you?” It’s too easy for the question to come spilling out and it comes out too fast for you to at least control the way you ask it. You turn to look at him with your anger finally exposed on your face and he recoils and pulls his hand back to his side as if the question has burned him. Red hot rage boils in your blood and controls your words. “You couldn’t wait for me.”
He opens his mouth and then closes it because you know that he has absolutely nothing to say. You are right and he knows it.
Instead of speaking to further the conversation any more, you begin walking away.
His fingers wrap around your arm in a crushing grip and yank you back in such a direction that your back thumps against the wall. A dull ache resounds from where your shoulder blades came into contact with it. The action alone makes you want to fight him because of how he thinks he just has the right to touch you.
“What the fuck, Hoseok!” You hiss and raise your arm to rip it from his grasp.
“Just-” He raises his hands up in surrender, obviously apologetic, and looks away from you. “Just stop-” He grits his teeth, balls his hands into fists, and drops them to his sides. “- stop leaving me.”
“What the hell do you mean?” You bite. It feels good to cuss so much at him. “What else am I supposed to do?”
Angrily, you poke your finger into his chest to accentuate your words. “You left me, asshole.”
He sighs harshly and leans into you with his hand on the wall despite the aggression in your actions. Unconsciously, your hands come up and fold in front of your chest at the new closeness.
“That wasn’t- it wasn’t-” He bares his teeth in frustration and then licks his lips, struggling. “It didn’t end how I wanted it to.”
You scoff in disbelief. “Look, Hoseok. What we had is over with. It has been for years.” It hurts you to say it. “But what still hurts is the fact that you wanted it to end.”
He slams his hand against the wall twice, shaking his head vehemently. “No, no! Not like that! I didn’t wa-”
But you don’t want to hear what he has to say. You’re done with his excuses. “I’m not who I used to be, so don’t give me that.”
He goes quiet again, letting you speak.
“But thank you for everything. Genuinely, thank you. You were the best and worst thing that ever happened to me and I’m grateful that you did what you did because it allowed me to grow.”
He’s incredibly silent as you conclude your interaction. “I’m done with this conversation.”
And you walk away, leaving him in the dark hallway.
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Hey! Thanks for reading! Part two will be out soon!
257 notes · View notes
kookiesbuckethat · 2 years
Text
silent treatment
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Hoseok x f!reader
Genre: angst to fluff, hurt/comfort
WC: 2.9k
<series masterlist>
taglist: @awinkies @wedarkacademia @yiyi4657 @astralandcosmos @scuzmunkie @mooonlitstars @manchuria @mistyaphelion @ygimsgw @kookiwu @yoongititss​
an: I haven’t proof read yet but I rlly wanted to get this out so plz ignore any mistakes!
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Sitting in the back of their temporary studio in the U.S, you gaze out of the window longingly, watching the city life below you. “Hobi?” you call out once the music stops. “Hm?” he hums in acknowledgement, his eyes meeting yours through the mirror. “Are you guys gonna be done soon? I wanna go explore,” you ask him, your eyes sparkling with excitement.
Hoseok gives you a regretful look as he shakes his head at you. The concert was tomorrow and they had to make sure they were prepared. “We still have a lot of practicing to do,” he tells you solemnly. You pout at him but you don’t complain, understanding that every second in the studio was valuable. He watches you as you look out the window longingly, your chest rising and falling with a disappointed sigh.
He feels bad for keeping you here. He knows that you know you’re not forced to stay here and you can go out whenever you want. But he also knows it’s something you wanted to do with them. “I wanna explore too!” Jungkook interrupts Hoseok’s thoughts. “Me too!” Jimin and Taehyung echo him. “Can we go? Please Hobi Hyung?” Jimin begs the dance leader. Taehyung quickly joins Jimin’s side, giving his best tata mic face.
“It’ll just be a short break, we’ll be back soon,” Taehyung tries to convince him. Hoseok’s eyes move from the three maknaes to you, seemingly holding your breath as you wait for his answer. Everyone has been working hard and it’s been a while since they took a break. “Fine,” he breathes out, not having the heart to crush the hope in your eyes. “But be back in two hours,” he adds on, looking at you as he says it. 
He knows the younger three have a tendency to not listen so he was trusting you to bring them back in time. It was about 6:00 pm so you were to be back by 8:00 pm. You playfully salute him as you give him a determined nod, promising to be back in two hours. Hoseok chuckles, finding you absolutely adorable. “Anyone else want to come?” you ask. “I need a nap,” Yoongi answers, flopping on the couch at the back of the room. “And I need a break from those three,” Jin says, nudging his head towards the maknaes.
You look to Hoseok but he’s already starting the music up again, focused on perfecting his craft. “We’re okay, Y/n,” Namjoon reassures you with a smile, “Go have some fun.” The maknaes don’t give you a moment to dwell on it, dragging you out of the studio. The four of you walk around the city, familiarizing yourselves with the area but when you come across an arcade, you can’t resist, excitedly running inside like a bunch of children.
You constantly check your phone for the time, not wanting to disappoint Hoseok by being late. And around 7:30 pm, you tell the maknaes to pick one last game so that you have more than enough time to head back. But when you’re about halfway back to the studio, Jimin suddenly lets out a loud gasp. You all turn to find him patting down his pockets with a panicked look on his face, “I forgot my phone at the arcade!”
Your eyes widen as you pull out your own phone, looking at the time. 7:45 pm. You know that if you guys head back to the arcade, you won’t make it back in time. But Jimin’s phone is valuable and it would be really bad if his phone got into the hands of the wrong person. “You guys go back to the studio and I’ll go get Jimin’s phone,” you tell them, quickly devising a plan. It was more important they get back on time than you do.
“But it’s not safe for you to go alone,” Jungkook frowns. The sun had already started to set and it would be dark by the time you reached the arcade. Conflicted, you all decide to just run back to the arcade to find Jimin’s phone and then run back to the studio as fast as possible.
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Bursting into the studio, you place your hands on your knees, doubling over as you pant harshly. Your harsh breathing fills the room as the four of you try to catch your breaths. “You’re late,” Hoseok says simply, but it sends shivers down your spine. “I’m sorry Hobi, we-” you struggle to speak between breaths but Jimin takes over for you. “It’s my fault, Hyung, we were on our way back when-”
“Enough,” Hoseok’s voice silences everyone immediately, “We’ve wasted enough time and you guys were supposed to be taking a break but you’re out of breath.” They immediately straighten up, Jungkook speaking up, “We’re okay to practice!” The maknaes immediately jump back in while you make your way to the back of the room, watching quietly. Guilt washes over you as you watch the younger ones practice diligently despite being exhausted from running.
As soon as they get a water break, you hurry to hand the three of them a bottle of water, smiling apologetically before you take a bottle over to Hoseok. He accepts it without even looking at you, taking a sip as you nervously play with your hands. “I’m really sorry we were late, Hobi. We had to go back because...” you trail off when he closes the bottle and places it on the floor before walking away, completely ignoring you. 
Your eyes burn with unshed tears when he brushes you off, not even giving you a chance to explain why you were late. But what hurts more is that you disappointed him. He trusted you to bring them back in time because he knew that you knew how important it was, but you couldn’t even do that for him. Everyone says that getting praise from Hoseok is the best feeling in the world. But no one ever talks about how disappointing him is the absolute worst feeling one could ever experience.
When they finally end practice for the night, you quietly follow Hoseok back to the hotel. When you two enter your shared hotel room, Hoseok immediately heads for the bedroom. You hear the sound of the connected bathroom door shutting as you take off your shoes, the sound of running water soon following. You’re sure that Hoseok doesn’t really want to see you right now so you grab your clothes from the bedroom while he’s showering.
Rubbing his hair with a towel as he walks out of the bathroom, Hoseok looks over to the bed, frowning when he sees it’s completely untouched. Hoseok peeks outside, finding you asleep on the couch. He calls room service, asking for an extra blanket before going into the kitchen to make himself a quick dinner. When room service arrives, he thanks them for the blanket before laying it on top of you, carefully tucking you in before turning in for the night.
When you finally hear the gentle click of the bedroom door closing, you finally let your tears spill over as sobs wrack your body, tightly clutching the blanket in your hands as you bury your face in your pillow.
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The next morning, Hoseok is immediately hit with the delicious smell of pancakes when he walks out of the bedroom. “Good morning!” you greet him cheerfully, “Come have breakfast, I made pancakes!” Although the smell of your pancakes was practically making his salivate, he walks straight past them, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge before he’s out the door. You had hoped that maybe he wouldn’t be upset anymore but clearly, you were wrong.
You stare sadly at the stack of pancakes you woke up so early to make, having to wake up extra early just to go out and buy the ingredients. Having suddenly lost your appetite, you start packing them up before taking them to the maknaes’ rooms. You leave for the concert venue a little later, needing some time to get yourself together.
Nervously standing backstage, you watch as they get last-minute touch-ups, mere seconds away from getting on stage. You never doubted any of their abilities to give a perfect performance but you can’t help but feel at fault when you can see Hoseok’s noticeable nerves. He wasn’t one to usually be nervous as he always makes sure they’re all as prepared as possible, but time simply didn’t allow that this time.
As they all hit their last ending pose, you let out a huge sigh of relief. Everyone performed perfectly and you couldn’t be more proud. Seeing as they were saying their last goodbye to ARMY, you take the chance to slip away. You don’t know if Hoseok is still upset with you but in case he is, you don’t want to ruin tonight for him. 
As soon as they get off stage, Hoseok’s eyes search for you. One of the staff members notices the confusion on his face when he can’t find you and they can guess who he’s looking for. “Y/n left a few minutes ago,” the staff member informs him. “She left?” Hoseok asks in confusion, “Why? Is she not feeling well?” As soon as they finished performing the last song, it was like a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He had just been so stressed and he took it out on you, but now that he can think clearly, he realizes he was much too harsh.
“I’m not sure,” the staff member answers honestly. Although they found it a bit strange since you always leave with Hoseok, it wasn’t their place to ask. Hoseok was concerned but he’s forced to push it to the back of his mind as they’re rushed back to the hotel to get on v-live.
On your way back to the hotel, you ask the driver to make a quick stop at a Korean grocery store you noticed when you went out with the maknaes. You were sure the boys must miss it so you decided to cook them a nice, hot, homemade meal to remind them of home.
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About halfway through the v-live, the staff wheel in a cart of steaming hot bowls and plates of food. “We ordered some food from a local Korean restaurant,” the staff tell them as they place the food around the table. You were afraid that Hoseok wouldn’t eat it if he knew you made it so you requested the staff to tell them it was from a restaurant. “Wah!” “It smells good!” The boys finish the food at record speed, scraping the plates clean.
“What’s the name of the restaurant you got this from?” Jin asks curiously when they end the v-live, wanting to know in case they ever visit again. It’s only then that the staff reveal the food was actually made by you but you asked them not to tell. “Why didn’t she want us to know?” Jimin asks, confused. The staff assumed it was just to protect your identity on the live but even they weren’t sure. But Hoseok has an inkling as to why you tried to hide it and it only makes him want to see you more. Dismissing himself to go find you, the boys all wish Hoseok goodnight. 
Unlocking the door to your hotel room, Hoseok calls out into the darkness, “Y/n?” He searches everywhere for you, the living room, the bedroom, even the bathroom but there’s no sign of you. Walking into the kitchen, he finds a note from you on the little notepad every hotel room has.
Hey Hobi! You guys performed so well tonight! Perfect as always :) I’m sure you’re tired and probably want some space so I booked a separate hotel room. So don’t worry about me! 
Rest well  y/n<3
Hoseok can’t help but frown as he reads your letter again. Had he pushed you that far that you couldn’t even stay in the same room as him? Dialling the staff, he asks if any of them know what your room number is. “Y/n’s room number? Isn’t she staying with you?” Hoseok tells them that you said you had booked another one. “I’m sorry Hoseok-ssi, she didn’t tell us anything about booking another room. But there’s no way she could’ve found an empty hotel room tonight. The whole city is booked with ARMYs coming to see you.”
Quickly thanking the staff, Hoseok hangs up before calling the other members. He asks them if you’re staying with any of them or if they know where you are but when they all answer “no” Hoseok starts to get worried. He rushes out of the hotel room, impatiently tapping his foot against the floor as the elevator makes its descent to the ground floor. Dialling your number, he holds his phone up to his ear, listening to the ringing sound as he makes his way through the lobby.
Taking a quick glance around, he freezes when he spots a familiar bucket hat over the back of a couch. Not wanting anyone to recognize you and worry about you, you had taken one of Hoseok’s bucket hats to cover your face. He had so many that none of the staff or other members would immediately recognize you, but of course Hoseok would know a piece of his own wardrobe.
Hoseok quickly rounds the couch to find you curled up, asleep on the couch. Your knees were pulled up to your chest as you lay your cheek on top of your knees. Slightly lifting the bucket hat to make sure it’s you, he notices the dried tear stains on your cheeks upon closer inspection. Frowning, Hoseok unwraps your arms from your legs, wrapping them around his neck instead before he wraps your legs around his waist, carrying you like a baby koala.
Bringing you back to the hotel room, he gently lays you in bed, taking the bucket hat off of you before climbing in behind you. He pulls you closer until your back is pressed against his chest, whispering apologies into your hair before he eventually lets sleep take over.
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Waking up, you slowly peel your eyes open, immediately panicking when you realize this isn’t the same place you fell asleep. But then you feel a familiar pair of arms tighten around your waist as Hoseok nuzzles into your hair. “Good morning,” he mumbles. Not ready to confront him yet, you try to act like you’re still asleep but Hoseok had felt your breathing suddenly increase. “I know you’re awake,” he says simply. He then gently gathers your hair to one side and starts placing kisses on the back of your neck. 
“Is your neck sore from yesterday?” he asks, referring to the uncomfortable position he found you sleeping in. You shake your head but then you immediately feel the tightness in your muscles. Hoseok gently massages it for you, placing one last kiss on your neck before turning you in his arms to face him. Afraid to meet his eyes, you bring your hands to play with the necklace hanging from his neck. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes as he leans down to place another kiss on your forehead, causing your hands to stop playing with his necklace.
“I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I was just stressed and I took it out on you. I’m really sorry for that,” he tells you and when you finally look up at him, you can see the guilt swimming in his eyes. “It’s okay Hobi, I’m sorry too. I should’ve made sure we were back on time,” you apologize but he shakes his head at you. “I asked the impossible of you, those three are really out of control,” he says, making you giggle. 
“The food you made last night was delicious. All the boys wanted me to tell you how good it was,” he smiles down at you, “And you don’t know how much I was regretting not eating the pancakes you made when I was eating the breakfast the hotel offers. They smelled so good.” You laugh at how he starts to drool at the thought of your pancakes. “It’s okay, they didn’t go to waste. I gave them to the maknaes since they always sleep in late and they practically devoured them,” you tell him.
He lets out a groan at that. “They’re stealing you away from me,” he whines adorably. “We still have a lot of ingredients left over, do you want to make more pancakes for breakfast today?” you suggest. His eyes light up at your offer, nodding enthusiastically. You move to climb out of bed but he’s quick to pull you back, “But I’m making them today. You’ve done too much for me, it’s my turn to take care of you.” You pout at him, about to protest when he starts peppering your face with kisses.
You giggle, playfully shouting at him to stop before he finally places one last kiss on your lips. Leaning his forehead against yours, he closes his eyes as he whispers, “Thank you for always taking care of me.”
1K notes · View notes
dollfacerecs · 6 months
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— jung ⋆ ho ⋆ seok
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jhs fic recommendation list by clover. 🍀 ↓
♡ = smut ; ♤ = angst ; ♧ = fluff ; ♕ = favorite
main list
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♢ the strip ; ♡ || one-shot — by @hamsterclaw
⇝ cop!reader, target!hoseok // reader protecting a member for once is such a breath of fresh air like. i love their interactions n the smut is hmmm.
♢ mindless ; ♡, ♤ || one-shot — by @jungk0oksthighs
⇝ therapist!reader, patient!hoseok // i’m gonna be honest, i read this yearsssss ago and haven’t read it since. i remember it being ethically questionable but i also remember hoseok being so hot and unhinged in this
♢ pending…
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bangtaninborderland · 10 months
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JHS- Twisted Feelings (10)
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Summary: After working at an award show for 2 years everything had become normal, idols were no longer exciting to see, performances became dull and every day blended together, that was until an unexpected man asked for your help.
Genre: idol!jhope × fem!reader, angst, fluff, strangers to lovers, ongoing series
Warning: none for this chapter!
A/N: I’m back from seeing yoongi and it was such an experience. This is kind of a filler but I love building these characters up. Did you miss twisted feelings as much as I missed writing it?
Ch.09 &lt; Series Masterlist > Ch.11
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You woke up later than expected, Na-Rae not leaving until 1 am definitely being a bad idea. You were thankful for the late night/early morning shower you had taken which allowed you to get ready in half the time you usually would.
Today was Yoongis day, you would be lying if you said you were excited. At first, he seemed to be easy to have a conversation with but the recent events with the translation mishap only served to leave him suspicious of you, which admittedly is not great when you have to spend hours teaching him.
The conversation last night still bugged you, keeping secrets was never your thing especially when it came to work and your career but Rae had made a few good points on just why the Jung-Woo story had to remain a secret. No company would want a near murderer to work with their most precious assets.
The company lacked the reporters that Jungkook had mentioned swarming the building yesterday, you were grateful for how quickly Bighit seemed to manage security infractions.
“I need your company ID.” The woman’s voice was familiar and you recognised her as the same woman from the day of your interview.
“Oh, of course so sorry.” You chuckled lightly hoping to break the tension as you hand over the company-issued ID, the smile she returned to you is faker than the Gucci sunglasses you chose to wear this morning at the sight of the raring sun but you brushed it off, wanting to start the day in a good mood.
Even if she was a snarky bitch.
She sighed loudly, sliding your ID pass across the desk. “You’re signed in, next time come straight to the desk with the ID please.” You gave her a nod before walking away, you were not going to lose this job by running her face along her keyboard, not today at least.
The rest of the walk was quiet, a few idols passing by giving you small nods and others completely ignoring your existence. You were fine with both, too tired to care.
“Where’s your smile this morning?” You were not expecting Hoseok to come up behind you, his touch on your shoulder making you physically jump.
“HOLY SH-“ you turned to face him, calming at the sight of him and quickly composing yourself. “Hoseok-ssi.”
He tried to hold his laughter in but failed, his eyes creasing. “Sorry sorry I’ll warn you next time, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” You lied, forcing a small smile.
“Would you like to get some coffee? There’s a machine around here.” His face was warm and for some reason you wish you didn’t have to decline.
“I have a class with Yoongi-ssi. I’m already short on time.”
“I’m sure Hyung won’t mind, I’ll call him now besides he was stressed and stuck on a song anyway so you probably would sit waiting for a while anyway. Only if you want of course.” He pulled out his phone waving as if tipping the scales on your decision.
You held up your hands in agreement. “Okay…but only and I mean only if he is okay with it, I would like to try and be a little happier for my class with him especially if he is having a stressful day.”
He nodded at you, grinning as if he had just won some kind of award. It left you wondering if he was truly like this with everyone. “He said it’s fine.”
“Lead the way.”
The walk there was pleasant, similar to the last time you had gone together. Hoseok made small conversations, mostly about random information he had learned about the world and his craft. His eyes seemed to hold a particular shine when he mentioned the fun they had on tour, the story of how they would pick rooms when they were unable to have one to themselves making you double over in laughter.
“Here let me.” You swiped your card, paying for both yours and Hoseoks' coffee.
“Oh.” He took the cup, eyeing you as he stirred in the sugar. “You didn’t have to do that we get them free.”
“Still, my treat. I’m happy to pay, you got the last one.” You added your own milk, stirring it before wrapping a tissue around the cup. “I’m going to get ready for my class with Yoongi-ssi, even if he is working I should be there when he finishes to start whenever he is ready.”
“You take your work very seriously, don’t you?”
You smiled, nodding. “I do, I think if you commit to something it should be taken seriously even on hard days or days you don’t want to do that particular thing.”
He hums, his lips pressed together in a hard line. “What do you think about giving up?”
“Giving up on?” You responded, sipping at the froth of your coffee.
“Anything.”
“I think in order to give up you must be brave enough to face what happens when you do, many people find a weakness in it but I find something admirable. I also think it’s okay to take a break, if you give up you can always try again. I think there are two sides to it because in life we want to see those around us reach a level of success that makes them happy so in some cases it’s okay to encourage people to not give up and to keep working towards their goals, giving up should never be something final. It’s okay to stop one thing if there’s something you want more.” He stared at you and you were absolutely sure you’d said way too much but before you could apologise he began to speak.
“Not many people have a mindset with views like that, I think when they get to know you more the members will like you.” He come to a stop as you reached the genius lab studio.
“Hyung?” He tapped his knuckles on the door, trying the handle to no avail.
“Wait.” Yoongis gravely voice called out, it was an easy sign he had been rapping. “I’m coming.”
The door opened and a dishevelled yoongi stood before you. “Oh shit.”
“Hyung!” Hoseok exclaimed.
Yoongis eyes shot open before he shook his head, apologising. “Sorry, I forgot we had a class. Let me just save my work.”
“It’s okay, take your time I’m here all day.” You tried to sound as reassuring as possible, not wanting to leave him feeling bad. He nodded to you before turning away, the door closing behind him.
“Sorry, it’s a busy time.” Hosoek swirls his coffee, sighing.
“You don’t seem as stressed, I thought there’d be staff running around and non-stop practices. Sorry, I don’t have much of an idea regarding behind-the-scenes stuff. Award shows are intense.” You try to laugh off some of the awkward and somewhat sad tension that fills the air, wanting to bring back the calming vibe held between you only moments ago. “Things will be okay.”
“Thank you. Give it a few weeks and it will be exactly like that, this is more of the mentally draining process. Preparing and practices are structured, it’s when the last-minute details get finalised and songs get finished, altered or scrapped. We’ve changed songs entirely a day or two before the same goes for choreography.”
You never truly understood how difficult it was for artists, especially the biggest group in the world. Sure it could be hectic at award shows and more than once you’d been privy to a group argument or mishap backstage but you’d never fully grasped the difficulties they face and you never be able to but you knew looking at Hoseoks false smile, you’d do anything to try and help. “If there’s anything I can do let me know, I know my work here is only a portion of the difficulty you face and has an entire lower level of importance but don’t hesitate to ask for something if you need it, the same goes for all the other members.”
“That’s really kind of you, I’ll pass it on to the other members. I should get going Hyung won’t be long, you’ll be okay?”
You stare stupidly for a moment before blinking “Yeah I’ll be okay, thank you for getting coffee with me.”
“Thank you for paying it was re-“The door beside you leading to Yoongis studio swings open, stopping just before it hit the wall.
“Oh, sorry.” The rapper mumbled, locking the door behind him. His previous state of stress was seemingly better.
“I’m just leaving Hyung, I’ll stop by later to go over those demos.” Hoseok gives you a smile before leaving, heading in the direction of his own studio.
Yoongi watches the younger man disappear around the corner before talking to you. “Sorry about the wait, you have an office right?”
“There’s no need for apologies it’s absolutely fine and yes I do, please follow me.” Thankfully there wasn’t much of a distance between Yoongis studio and your significantly smaller but still cute office.
The artist looks around some before taking a seat at the table. “It’s cosy here, you are allowed to decorate I’m not sure if anyone has told you that.”
“One of the managers did but I wanted to wait a little, I thought it would be better to focus on settling in and building up lessons with yourself and other members first.” You shuffled through the folders you had assembled for each member, finally finding the black one with Yoongi across the label.
“You made us folders?” He raises an eyebrow as you place it down on the table. “Colour coded too?”
“I like organisation and the colours for the most part were random.” You laughed, handing him a pen.
“So there’s no reason in particular mine is black, Jungkooks is black and Jin Hyungs is bright pink?”
“When you look at it that way.” You paused allowing the small joke you’d built up between you to linger. “Maybe you’re right, I’ll never spill my secrets when it comes to my filing process.”
“You sound like me when I would talk about my old USB sticks.” You felt relieved you were able to break the tension that had accompanied your previous meeting with one another.
“What can I say, I’m a genius.” You both laugh for a second before he begins reading over the lesson plan you handed him seconds earlier. “You said you wanted to be able to have conversations and you weren’t too happy with your pronunciation so I thought we could go over some exercises that may help you sound clearer. I also thought we could work on some vocabulary, because you don’t want to be fluent to the point you could live in a foreign country I think just relearning basic sentence structure and vocabulary should be enough.”
He scanned the sheet, “You really were thorough with this, to be honest when Hobi pulled you out of a job to be a translator I had more than one worry. I’m glad to see you taking this seriously.”
“He didn’t exactly pull me out of a job.” You laughed, handing him a highlighter. “My contract was nearing its end and it gave me an opportunity to have time to write and work.”
“What do you write?” He asked, eyebrows raised.
“Stories mostly, anything my imagination can conjure. I like creating a world I can escape to, where anyone can escape to even just for a short while. It’s nothing special I’m just trying to have a book published.” You laugh lightly, attempting to brush off the sudden embarrassment.
“I think that’s similar to music, I love reading I think it’s admirable you’re following your passion.” You were happy the atmosphere between you felt calmer, and he too seemed to be less stressed.
“Thank you.” You often wondered why people would do something that stressed them out to such a degree of devotion but you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t understand, when you love doing something you accept whatever it comes with.
He placed the sheet down, uncapping the pen. “Should we start?”
“Sure, whenever you’re ready.”
Whenever you were teaching time never felt slow, you were used to that. Work being slow all the time despite the fast-paced environment but here it wasn’t like that, it was too fast nor too slow but time seemed to fly away which is how you were surprised when the alarm yoongi had set went off, declaring the end of the class.
You’d spent the two hours discussing conversational English, mostly things he already had an idea of but needed the specifics clarifying. He had attempted to speak English for half of the class but gave up when his memory of the language came to a standstill.
“Already? Did I set the alarm wrong?” You knew the question wasn’t directed at you as he picked his phone up, double-checking the time. “How did I do?” He turned to you, sliding the exam-style sheet back.
“You did well especially for your first class, don’t be overwhelmed by the vocabulary or speaking even. These things take time and you have to take them slowly. For an English speaker to become fluent in Korean it can take up to five years, we have an advantage because most of the time it’s taught in school, you have an extra advantage on top of that because of your continued exposure to the language. Things like vocabulary and pronunciation are easy compared to grammar and you seem to already have a great idea of that. So my overall rating is that you’re making my job very easy.”
“Maybe I should ask you to make me a report card to show my parents.” He laughs, standing up.
You follow suit, walking towards the door to open it. “If you need one let me know, I’ll even stamp it.”
“Yes, teacher.” He laughed. “Thank you for the class.”
“Please don’t thank me.”
“What are you doing here,” Yoongi asked, his voice pitched in surprise.
You greet both Taehyung and Hoseok as they step around into the doorway. “Here to pick you up Hyung, Namjoon says you’re needed for the army track.”
Yoongi shifted his feet, shaking his head. “What happened? I thought we were finished with that song already.”
“We were but Namjoon Hyung hit the wrong button and now it sounds funky rather than family,” Taehyung responded, laughing.
“It’s not that serious, we just need your input to make sure it’s back where it was.” Hoseok responds, seemingly calming Yoongis' sudden worry. “How was the class?”
You don’t realise the question is directed at you until the room falls silent. You look up from the patch on the floor to see three sets of eyes on you. “Oh, OH forgive me I’m so sorry I spaced out. It was an amazing lesson, Yoongi-ssi is an exceptionally fast learner.”
“Ah Hyung I’m proud.” Taehyung slaps his hand over his chest, pursing his lips together as he fake cries. “Is this what proud mothers feel like?”
“Why a proud mother why not a proud father?” Hoseok asks, thrown off by the comment.
“Because it’s Taehyung. Come on let’s go.” Yoongi turns to you, saying a quick goodbye. “Thank you for the class once again.”
“Literally any time.” You respond, waving them all out.
They leave in a hurry and suddenly the busy room is left with you and you alone. You just about sit down before your phone busses with a notification.
You can’t help but smile at the new text from Hoseok that reads:
JHS: “Your job isn’t unimportant nor is it easy. Have a good day.”
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justimajin · 5 months
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Into Oblivion
Pairing: Hoseok x Reader 
↳ 4k / Angst 
Summary: Hoseok can’t remember anymore, fragments of his memories simply scattered. It leaves him with nothing, unable to recognize faces or locations and it’s not long before he’s left stuck, sinking into oblivion. That’s when you step in, the only person that is able to solve the mystery that is him. 
⇨  Amnesia (noun.); a gap in one’s memory 
Warnings: graphic violence, depictions of blood, mentions of illness - disclaimer: there will be medical inaccuracies, please take them from a story standpoint. 
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GIF credit. 
His head hurts. A lot. 
It’s throbbing and pulsating through the crane of his skull, pounding relentlessly. His body is quivering, a pool of red encasing around him. He tastes copper in his mouth, a few drops falling down from his temples and onto the ground. 
The sirens around him are blaring, threatening to split his eardrums in half. Flashes of red and blue are going off, people are murmuring and whispering as he can barely muster the energy to look up, a deep groan escaping him instead. 
His eyes flutter shut and he’s plunged into darkness, mind shattering into pieces. 
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“...–should be right this way.”
Your heels click against the ground, a white coat enveloping your shoulders and fingers wrapped around a clipboard. Your eyes trace around the vicinity, noticing the stench of disinfectant and the white walls right away. 
You were never a fan of hospitals – but fate seemed to have other plans for you. 
“Here we are.” The nurse before you smiles, her arm extending into the room on your right. You courteously thank her and she departs, leaving you standing alone before the door. 
Sucking in a deep inhale, your hand wraps around the knob. 
The bright lights flash before your eyes, slowly dimming down until you’re greeted to a white room. It’s entirely empty, save for the bed off to the far side. A young man sits up on it, dressed in a light blue gown. His back is hunched over and there’s a distant look to his eyes. 
You walk over slowly, noticing how he barely reacts to your entrance, not even lifting his head. 
“Hi.” you breathlessly say, a soft smile curving on your lips. “Jung Hoseok, right? It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” 
You reach out your hand, but you’re only granted silence. Hoseok is still staring down at his lap, gaze fixated down. 
He answers after a pause. 
“Who are you?” There's no intrigue in his voice, just simple disdain. However, you lower your hand, smile not once fading. 
“My name is Y/N.” You introduce. “I’m Dr. Choi’s assistant, the doctor that has been looking after you.” 
Hoseok doesn’t answer you, choosing to focus his gaze back onto his lap again. You take that as a cue to walk to the far corner of the room and grab a chair, placing it next to his backside. 
Seating yourself down, you pick up your pen and lean back, facing your clipboard. 
“Would you be comfortable if I asked you some questions?” You ponder, watching him throw another glance at you before slowly nodding 
You take up the opportunity whole-heartedly. “I’ve been informed by Dr. Choi that you have been suffering from…retrograde amnesia.” You say the words cautiously, “Is this correct?” 
Hoseok sighs, before nodding. “And it was a result of severe head trauma? From a car accident?” 
he nods again, pursuing his lips. 
“How long has it been for you?” 
“One year.” He states and you nod, but then he adds in– “With no sight of recovery so far.” 
“Let’s try to hope for the best.” You implore, writing down on your clipboard. “Have you been experiencing any symptoms other than memory loss?” 
Headaches. – he wants to say, but at this rate, he can’t remember if they were like the same pounding one he had during the accident. 
“No.” He states, noticing you write down the little tidbit from the corner of his eyes. 
He chuckles underneath his breath, and you snap your head up. 
“You’re wasting your time here.” He scoffs, “I already know….there’s no cure for me.” 
Hoseok’s not stupid. He’s lost his memories, but he can still observe, still notice the regard in with Dr. Choi addresses him with. 
He’s hopeless, and it’s something that’s become more and more apparent as the days have passed by.
He finally looks up to glance at you. He’s expecting a lot, either frustration or apathy. 
Frustration from his lack of willingness. Apathy towards his fed up attitude. Maybe even shock, considering you heard so much of him from Dr. Choi. 
But as Hoseok glances at you, he finds nothing but concern dwelling in your eyes. A reaction that shakes him to the core. 
He watches as you set your clipboard down completely, redirecting all your attention onto him.
“Hoseok…” You mutter quietly, a little too tenderly. “I know this is difficult and that you’ve been through a lot, but we’re here to help…here to help you.” You whisper the last part, tapping his hand, “You’ll overcome this.” 
Hoseok doesn’t want to believe it. He’s heard it all at this point – that he’ll be better in no time, that he’ll be able to go back to his previous life. But it’s all been wrong, complete lies that took his time and spun it into an entire year. 
If anything, you could be lying to his face now, giving him the false perception that things were all okay, when in reality they were far from it.
But as Hoseok continues to gaze at you, there’s something comforting within your gaze, something almost reassuring, something filled with so much hope. 
It deeply unsettles him. 
***
Hoseok doesn’t greet you with disdain the next time you visit. 
Instead, he still sits quietly on his bed, sheets pulled up to his torso and hands fiddling in his lap. But his gaze isn’t concentrated on them. 
His eyes survey you instead, the curiosity dwelling in them being unmistakable. 
“Hi.” You warmly greet him with a smile, slipping into your chair. “How has your day been going?” 
“It’s been fine.” He states, watching you bring your clipboard up again. 
“We can continue where we left off yesterday.” You explain, “You had mentioned that there were certain things you could still remember?” 
He hums, “It’s limited…very limited.” A huff escapes him. “I can remember some basic facts, like my name, and my age. But some things…are just completely out of my scope.”
“What do you mean?” 
Hoseok hesitates, lips not moving to form an answer as your question lingers in the air. But his next words hold the weight of the world. 
“My parents, I…” He breathes out. “I-I can hardly remember them.” 
Your eyes widen. While it wasn’t completely uncommon to forget faces and locations, Hoseok seems completely withdrawn, an anguished look reflecting within his eyes. 
He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to force the words out. 
“They came the other day…” He confesses. “They kept asking how I was feeling, or if I had eaten on time. They were talking to the nurses, asking for any updates about my condition, but–” 
He grimaces. 
“What is it, Hoseok?” You press forward, and his voice trembles. 
“I had just asked – “Who are you?” – and it gave me enough of an answer.” 
You silently watch as Hoseok shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the thoughts. You knew his parents hadn’t come to visit him before, that they were advised that he needed time for his treatment. Perhaps they thought it was a better opportunity to do so now, that he could potentially recognize them or indicate that he was getting better. 
But you can only imagine them taking a foot into the room, expressions filled with so much love and concern, only to see Hoseok’s blank expression and void eyes staring back. 
“They were disappointed.” You state and he nods. 
They had come for their son, only to have left without seeing him at all. 
He darkly chuckles. “Just like anyone else that tries to visit.” 
You watch dejectedly as he plants a hand against his temples, rubbing the area as he winces. Putting down your clipboard, you rise from your seat and stick your head out from the door. Hoseok doesn’t seem to notice much, only surprise emitting from him when you hand him a bottle of medication and a glass of water. 
“The nurse outside gave it to me.” You clarify, “Told me it helps calm headaches.”
Hoseok slowly nods, recognizing it as medication he’s taken before. He takes it from your hands, downing it with the waterwith a low muttered thank you. 
You decide to tread on other areas, hoping to avoid the topic of his parents altogether for now. 
“What about other things?” You question. “Anything else you still remember?” 
“I can remember where I live…” Your eyes spark, watching him attentively. Hoseok recalls parts of his residence, a big and spacious apartment within a complex. 
But he also recalls stumbling into it a couple weeks after his accident, nothing in it appearing familiar. It was as if he had stepped foot into someone’s home, someone he doesn’t recognize. 
“And?” You question hopefully. 
He lets out a deep sigh. “–and nothing. Nothing came to mind.” 
It's terribly frustrating. How much he’s kept pushing and pulling, only to have no recollection surfacing in his mind. How he was told that he lived in this one place for years, but stood in the centre of it with completely blank eyes and just mere confusion. 
And of course – just how much it’s hurting the people around him. It’s moments like this that dip him into dread, having lost everything through the blink of an eye. 
You observe him with sullen eyes, long forgotten to write down on your clipboard. 
“Memories…” You quietly begin, watching him lift his head to stare at you. “They’re something everyone takes for granted. Not realising just how important they are.” 
Hoseok’s eyes turn somber, and you continue. “I don’t think the best course of action is to remember.” - you’ve long forgotten how to – “I think it’s for you to see these past memories as pieces of information, focusing on them almost as if you were creating new ones.” 
Hoseok grows silent, watching you carefully. If he were to take a step away completely, cut these memories away like strings attached to him, and merely observed, taking them in as simple knowledge rather than trying to equate each one to himself and his lack of memories, maybe, just maybe, he could take them in as new memories, rather than past ones. 
It’s not something he would have ever tried before, too stuck on an accident that happened months ago. But for once, he wants to try.
He wants to get better. 
“Okay…” He breathes out, making eye contact with you. “I…I want to try, Y/N.” 
Hoseok isn’t expecting much, but when your eyes widen and there’s a huge smile breaking out onto your features from his response, he can’t help but feel a bit lighter. 
***
The next time Hoseok sees you, he finds you in bit of a disarray. 
You walk into his room, your white coat hanging off of your shoulders. Your chest heaves up and down, hands tightly clutched around onto a thermos. 
Hoseok is baffled when you glance up, throwing a bright smile in his direction. 
“Here.” you say, placing it beside him on his table. His eyes flicker down at it, before gazing at you in utter confusion. 
“What is it?” 
“Oh, it’s herbal tea.” You clarify but upon seeing his expression, you continue to explain. “I ran into your mother on my way in here.” A grimace runs through you, “She thought it’d be best if I was the one who gave it to you. Said it was your favourite.”
Dread runs through Hoseok at the thought. He supposes it was still hard for her to see him after their last encounter, but he’s stricken with the fact that she’s still looking out for him. 
However, he’s grateful. You didn’t need to listen to her request, could have easily bypassed her and made your way down here. Instead, you took upon the opportunity to oblige, acting as sort of a messenger between the two of them.
“Thank you.” Hoseok quietly mutters, “You didn’t have to do this.” 
“I wanted to.” You state within a heartbeat, giving him a tender smile that has Hoseok’s eyes widening. You reach over, pouring him a cup and handing it to him, before sitting back down in your chair and bringing your clipboard back up in your hands. 
He snaps out of his daze, moving to bring the cup to his lips to take a cautious sip. It’s extremely fragrant, wafting through the air. But it's pleasant, reminding him of a home. 
“It’s good…really good.” He whispers, “I don’t remember exactly, but I think I can understand…understand why I liked it.” 
You watch as he continues to drink it and for once, you finally see something surface on Hoseok’s expression. It’s something you haven’t been able to uncover for so long, masked with a thin layer of uncertainty and mixed in with deep doubt. 
For once, there’s hope on Hoseok’s features. 
The corner of your mouth curls up, warmth flooding through your gaze. You blink, tearing your gaze away from him and having to remind yourself of your task at hand. 
Feeling the smooth ridge of your clipboard, you raise it back up. 
“Ready to start our session for the day?”
Hoseok nods, and you begin your trail of questions. 
***
His mind stays in the same state. His memories have gone astray, slipping through into fingers and forever gone. 
Yet, Hoseok strains. He refuses to allow the non-existence of them to continue to plague him, attempting to pick up from the pieces he’s left with. 
But the efforts aren’t only coming from him. 
You present new information to him, replacing what he had once lost. You bring various photographs, get him familiar with names and places, picking up his scattered bits one by one to make him whole again. 
It’s incredibly hard. Hoseok gets frustrated, one too many times. But you stay with him, ushering him to understand who the people in the photographs are, and understand why their relationship was so integral to him. You help him understand a version of himself he barely knows existed, giving him reassurance and encouraging words. 
He learns to appreciate you, a sentiment he previously didn’t really quite share with your superior. And it might help that he finds you a tad bit endearing at times. 
“Y/N.” 
“Mm?” You look up from your clipboard, pinning the remaining photos to it. 
“I think…” He squints. “I think your coat is upside down...” 
“Is it?” You blink wide-eyed, setting your board down before twisting and turning, attempting to catch a glance at the back.
Sure enough, a tag sticks out, much to your own horror. 
“Oh no–” he watches as you get up, hurriedly attempting to flick it off your shoulders. A chuckle escapes him at your baffled expression, holding the coat up in your hands several times before finally understanding to revert it. 
You freeze all together, impassibly staring at him. His voice subsides, eyes catching on your gaze. 
“What?” 
“Oh.” You shake your head, flushing. “It’s nothing.” 
You awkwardly clear your throat, throwing the coat back properly onto your shoulders and slipping in next to him. Your cheeks still burn, something that has the corner of Hoseok’s mouth curling up. 
“We should really get back to–”
“Do you like coming here, Y/N?” 
“Huh?” You ponder, observing his features. Hoseok tilts his head, smile still evident. “O-Oh, I do. I want to see you get better, Hoseok.” 
“And what about you?” 
Your brows raise, “What about me?” 
“What about…your life?” A soft smile curls on his lips, “It seems like you’ve seen everything about me, my memories, my thoughts….but I hardly know about you.” 
Your mouth parts, but he continues, letting his mind go astray, “What your life is like, the kinds of memories you have….” He looks away avertedly. “If you have someone….” 
Hoseok bites his bottom lip. He probably shouldn’t have let that last thought slip out of him. He knows you’re here to help, that you’re here to just simply ensure that he gets better with time. But he can’t help but feel close to you. Can’t admit that he looks forward to your visits, that you make him feel comfortable when he’s been in a state of imbalance for so long. That you make him feel alive again, a feeling he can hardly remember. 
He feels close to you, but it's something that makes you crumble. 
Sheer dread encompasses your features, and Hoseok feels a deep ache in the middle of his chest. 
“I-I don’t….” You avert your eyes, voice low, “Relationships don’t always work out for me.” 
Hoseok’s eyes widen, “As for my life, it’s nothing too interesting.” You mention with a mutter. “I just started working here recently with Dr. Choi, after working in an office for a year.” 
Hoseok hums, processing your words. But you raise your clipboard, moving on to asking him another question. 
All Hoseok can do is answer you as usual, but he doesn’t notice the deep crack in your demeanour. 
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You’re gone. 
The days pass by, and his door remains wide open. Save for the nurses occasionally checking in on his vitals and replenishing his IV, there are no traces of you and it makes his heart sink to his stomach. 
He shouldn’t have asked you those questions, shouldn’t have prepositioned about your life. You, first and foremost, were here to do your job and Hoseok internally curses at himself for forgetting about it, wondering what you could possibly think of him now. 
There’s a soft knock at the door and he instantly peers up, heart racing. However, disappointment washes over him when it’s not your familiar smile greeting him. 
A tall man stands at the door, a white doctor’s coat thrown over his shoulders and a clipboard in hand. Hoseok recognizes his stern look, eyes flicking over to his name badge that reads ‘Dr. Choi’. 
“Jung Hoseok.” He states, scribbling down on his papers before looking up with intent. “I’m here to assess your condition.” 
Hoseok nods, having gone through this countless times. The man asks him questions pertaining to his memory, making him feel more interrogated than anything else, and then for any updates, before glancing at his treatment plan and leaving. 
“The amnesia is still present, yes? With no significant changes?” Hoseok nods, the man not even glancing at him once. “Your treatment is focusing more on retaining information. How is that coming along?” 
“It’s coming along good…” His mind flashes to you, chest tightening. “Your assistant has been helping me a lot.” 
The man hums, merely going over a checklist before him. “Any newly developed symptoms?” 
“No.” 
He hums again “I’ll continue to monitor your condition. The treatment plan seems to be working in accordance.” He looks up for the first time. “Yungwon will come in tomorrow for you.” 
“Yungwon?” Hoseok questions, a deep furrow to his brows “What about Y/N?” 
“Y/N?” He nods. “Were you not informed?” 
“Informed of what?” 
Dr. Choi deeply exhales. 
“Y/N has resigned. She is no longer working underneath me anymore.” 
***
The news has hit Hoseok like a ton of bricks. 
No information. No way of telling him yourself. No presence of you. 
You had left without giving him a mere goodbye. Simply left him on his own as if he wasn’t your sole target of focus for the last couple of weeks. 
You had disappeared. Leaving him in the dark once again. 
The days pass by and Hoseok is introduced to the man named Yungwon. He’s placed in the misfortune circumstance of having someone continuously probe at him again, except this time, he’s much more inclined not to let them in, even as the man continuously insists. 
Hoseok has always been regretful of not being able to remember. But now, now he’s just tired of trying to. 
There’s a soft knock at the door. 
Hoseok looks up sluggishly, half-expecting either Dr. Choi or Yungwon to pop up with inquiries and questions for him, but the air leaves his lungs completely when he's face to face with you, surprise evident in your eyes. 
“Y/N.” He calls out, scrambling up immediately. This time you’re dressed in casual clothes and although with no added white coat, there’s still a clipboard still in your hands. 
It takes a minute for you to find your voice. “Yungwon’s not here…?” 
Hoseok blinks, caught off guard. You glance around, before downcasting your gaze. “I should go find him…he needs these.” 
“Y/N.” Hoseok calls out again, a bit more desperate and he notices how you pick up on it immediately. 
You finally stop in your tracks, looking at him properly. Hoseok looks the same after all this time, but the pure anguish in his eyes makes your stomach churn. 
“You left.” He states heavily. “You didn’t say anything to me, not even a goodbye.” His voice trembles, a lone tear slipping down his eyes. “Am I so undeserving of that too now?” 
It’s all mixed in together – his hurt, his anger. How much he wants to lash out, but instead crumbles. 
Hoseok’s eyes widen when there’s a pair of arms encircling around him, hugging him tightly. He is shocked to the core when your clipboard is abandoned against his bed, thick tears spilling from your eyes as your form trembles. 
Your notes are sprawled upwards, laid open to his observant eyes which only grow in size. 
Hoseok barely has a chance to react when you’re already pulling back, frantically wiping your tears away. He can only watch when you grab your clipboard again, heading towards the door. 
“Wait! Y/N!” He loudly pleads, but you keep moving forward, not looking back once. 
His heart is racing, pounding against his ears. His line of vision was greeted to all the photographs you had used in his session – except there was one that he never saw, one you never were able to use. 
It was a photograph of you in his arms, a bright smile on your lips as he kissed your cheek. 
You reach the door and Hoseok attempts to find the IV on his arm, ready to wrench it off. But you are halted suddenly, by the voice of one of the nurses that spots you by the door. 
“Oh, Mrs. Jung!”
Hoseok’s blood freezes and he watches as the surprise floods your features, form turning frantic. Your eyes avert around, dismay enveloping them when they make apprehensive contact with his own, and he sees it all. 
Your gazes were always tender, your words always comforting. You felt so familiar, making him forget all about his repressed memories. But amongst all this, you also left out one crucial fact. 
You had never told him your last name. 
He watches in horror as the corners of your mouth curl, contrasted with the sheer anguish in your eyes. There’s a crack within your demeanour and he can’t unsee it anymore. 
You leave before Hoseok can see the fresh tears sliding down your cheeks. 
45 notes · View notes
wontune · 3 months
Note
oioi star!! poderia fazer uma personalização pra mim tema jhope (BTS) ? serei muito grata! 💗
✿𝆬 jhope personalização idea !
T. Bloqueio T. Inicial geral
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31 notes · View notes
btsqualityy · 2 years
Note
Ima need you to pound out a post lolla stage mama Jung Hobi Drabble asappppp bc if she don’t jump all over that, I will! Hahahaha
I got you!
Warnings: unprotected sex, dirty talk, degradation, creampie
"You've worked so hard baby," you cooed with a soft smile. "So now that it's all over, it's my turn to take care of you." With that being said, you held the base of your husband's cock before you slowly sunk down onto it. You both moaned at the feeling, and you moved your hands up to grip his shoulders as you began to ride him.
"Fuck Y/N-ah," Hobi grumbled deeply as his hands came up to grab at your hips.
"You did so fucking good," you praised him, reaching up with one hand and slipping your hand into the hair at the back of his head, which was also still slightly damp from sweat. "Had everyone screaming so loud for you but that's to be expected."
"You really think it was good?" He wondered and you didn't hesitate to nod your head. "I don't know, I'm kind of worried about the-"
"Hey," you cut him off by setting the fingers of your free hand on his lips. "You literally couldn't have given a better show, alright? You were fantastic baby."
"Thank you," Hobi smiled, a low moan escaping him afterwards from how tight you were getting. "Fuck, are you about to come already?"
"I've been wet since you popped up out of the stage, sue me," you shrugged sheepishly.
"I can take care of you," Hobi offered but you shook your head.
"Tonight's about you."
"But-" he tried to say and to shut him up, you pushed two of your fingers into his mouth.
"Shut up and just relax, will you?" You huffed with a roll of your eyes. Instead of responding, Hobi just began to suck your fingertips while tightening his grip on your hips.
"Mmm, someone likes being forced to shut up," you smirked, speeding up the pace of your riding. Hobi groaned against your fingers when you gripped his hair tighter in your other hand, and you could literally feel his cock throb inside of you.
"So fucking good to me," Hobi burst when your fingers slipped out of his mouth. "Riding me so good, like a little slut."
"Your personal slut baby," you whispered before leaning down and pressing your lips against his in a rough kiss. The kiss was mostly your teeth clacking against his but it still didn't fail to further turn you on as your orgasm winded to its' end in your gut.
"God, I'm gonna come," you whispered, taking your fingers that were still shiny with Hobi's spit and using them to reach down and rub your clit.
"Gonna cream my cock baby? Hm?" Hobi murmured as he pressed his forehead to your jaw, his hands trailing downwards and palming your ass. "Gonna cum for me while I fill you up?"
"Fuck yes Hobi," you gasped, your body seizing as your orgasm slammed into you. Since you were in the middle of coming, Hobi took over for you, using his grip on you to thrust up into you. You just held onto Hobi as he fucked you, moaning lightly when you felt his cum flood into you.
"Shit," Hobi sighed as he sunk back against the headboard and you went with him, laying your head on his chest as you cuddled up to him. "I needed that."
"I could tell," you giggled. "You've been stressing and going crazy this whole week but I knew you needed to focus on the show."
"And that's why you jumped my bones as soon as I finished the live?" He laughed and you nodded.
"I'm so insanely proud of you, Hobi," you stated seriously. "I know that you had your doubts but trust me, it was amazing."
"Thank you, and thank you for being there for me," Hobi said, wrapping his arms around you. "I know I was probably a nightmare this week."
"Forget it," you said instantly. "I love you."
"I love you more," Hobi grinned, leaning down and kissing you sweetly.
396 notes · View notes
back2bluesidex · 4 months
Text
J-Hope Fic Recommendations (18+)
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If you are already following me for quite some time then you should know that I am a massive masochist and I like to torture myself by reading and writing angsty stories. So, most of the stories that I recommended are angsty as well (might as well have sad endings). So please carefully read the warnings before proceeding. Have a happy reading.
And please don't expect much from me. There are several other rec lists far better than mine. The only motive I had behind creating this list to promote some of the stories, which I think are very underrated. especially angsty ones. These stories are beautifully written so.. I just wanted to let the authors know how phenomenal of a job they have done (As a writer myself I know how much this actually means). Thanks to these amazing writers and I am grateful that they decided to share their work here with us.
[Minors please stay away from my blog!]
Key: F - Fluff, A- Angst, S- Smut, Y- Yandere, *- Personal Favorite
Oneshots
1. Ash from his fire by @filmcrystal - A, implied S, cheating au
It will break your heart so please proceed with caution.
2. Forbidden Fruit by @deepdarkdelights - A, Y
This one deals with several triggering topics. Hence, read the warnings carefully. But I can say that you will love this twisted mafia Hoseok way too much!
3. Shadows by @borathae - A, exes au
One of the most underrated stories I have ever read! Yeah, it is very angsty and Hoseok is so cruel but... we all are masochist here. lmao!
4. Heaven sent by @aquagustd - A, F, S, f2l au
Sexy soccer player Hoseok is just another name for perfection.
5. Bound by @explicit-tae - S, kinda f2l
Talk abut BDSM! GOOOD Sweet Lord!!!
6. Jigsaw by @sunshinejunghoseokie - A *
I remembered crying after reading this one. So damn underrated that it physically hurts me!!
7. Delta Disorder by @bangtanintotheroom Y, S, Supernatural au
I don't usually read supernatural stuff but this demon Hoseok is way too sexy to skip!
8. Systems of Touch by @yeoldontknow - S, F, tiny A, S2l au
Beautifully written! The author used 100% of their capabilities to write this one. Perfectly drawn Professor Hoseok with a very attractive character of reader. Certainly a treat to read.
9. 2:00 AM by @likeastarstar - A, fuckbuddy Hoseok
Part of a series but can be read as a standalone. and Hoseok is a dick in this.
10. Love Quarrels by @mirahuyooo - A, F, mafia au
A cold yet soft mafia husband Hoseok chases behind his angry wife... could there be anything better than that?
11. The Hook Up ft. JK by @minisugakoobies - S
A little bit of a triangle.. but not love? if that makes sense.
12. Entelechy by @drmflm - suggestive (I believe)
Can't call this one angst and neither is this about Hoseok (he is there, don't worry). This one is more about the reader and her growth and it's beautiful.
13. Orgasms on the verge of a nervous breakdown by @sluttyandere - S, Y *
This is very dark and quite triggering, so please don't read unless you can handle those stuff.
14. For the night by @aseaofyoongi - A, S
I cried. that's all.
15. We Shouldn't by @beahae - S **
Hands down to one of my most favourite Hoseok smuts ever!!! This one has a Jimin follow-up so make sure to read that too.
16. Real or not real by @nmjoo-n - A, S, F **
Again one of the most exquisite Hoseok fics I have ever read!
17. Checkmate by @sunshinejoon - A, S
This was supposed to have a sequel but it is perfect regardless.
18. Do I wanna know - @yoongiphoria - A, f2? ****
Now, MJ knows how much I love this one. I often read this story and I never ever get bored of it! I love this to the core and you should too!
19. Scrap - @silv3rswirls - A, Y, S
Dark and sexy. Read the warnings carefully please.
20. It's a Promise by @sahmfanficbts - S, A, Arranged marriage au
Just read it.
21. Three by @hamsterclaw - S
Again.. VERY UNDERRATED!
22. Wonderwall by @kiara-ish - A with an open ending
Might not be for the faint hearted.
23. Infatuated by @bangtanfancamp - F
If you like high school love au then this one is for you.
24. Constellations of You by @persphonesorchid - S, F, established relationship au
This is so domestic that my heart almost exploded while reading!!
25. Burning flames or paradise by @/yoongiphoria - A, tiny f ****
MJ does magic.... that's all I can say.
26. Alone again by @archivedkookie - A, F
I loooove these kinds of stories. Just the right amount of despair with the right amount of hope... beautiful.
27. Feeling Good by @bonvoyagenoona - A, S
Everything I write about this will fall short.. so I will just shut up and let you enjoy the goodness.
28. Distracted by @dilfhoseokie - S
Ahem..
29. Drink Champaign in my airplane by @/bangtanintotheroom - F, S, F2l
Perfectly embodies a rich hot CEO friend Hoseok... a fun read.
30. Keynote by @missgeniality - S **********
MY MOST FAVORITE HOSEOK ONESHOT TO EXIST IN THE PLANET. yeah.. (this has a follow-up but I like this one better)
Series
The thing is that I don't usually read series. I just don't have that patience. So this list is pretty small and forgive me for that.
1. Transference by @dark-muse-iris - A, S, F, S2l *********************
[Completed]
I wasn't the same after reading this. I can't talk about this trantric therapist Hoseok, 'cause I will never shut up if I start.
2. Kanalia by @xjoonchildx - A, S, f (?) *********************
[Ongoing]
Honestly, who isn't a sucker for Lord Jung? You must be sick if you are not. (On a side note.. Kanalia is keeping me alive from jumping off trains on tough days)
3. Guarded by @/xjoonchildx - A, S, F, S2l
[Completed]
Mafia Hoseok with dogtags. I think that's enough of an introduction.
If you want to read the Hoseok stories I write, you can checkout my Masterlist.
928 notes · View notes
cryinginmyroomsposts · 9 months
Text
Where there's Sunshine, there's Midnight Rain
Pairing: Idol!Hoseok x Reader
Warnings: angst, mentions of struggle, fluff, established relationship, no mentions of reader's gender.
Summary: J-hope is sunshine in human form, but that makes him the midnight rain too. A short imagine of the reader helping Hoseok understand this.
masterlist
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Another night, tossing and turning alone in a big bed. Waiting.. hoping, for the one who is the hope for a million people around the world. Another night spent reaching the cold side of the empty bed, staring at the sky counting down the minutes till daylight, sighing endlessly. Another night hoping hobi would return to you.
He's been home for a week since the tour but he hasn't been home since then. Even the bags were dropped off by his manager, who has visited three times since to collect the things he needed. As far as you knew there was no comeback anytime soon. There was effectively no requirement for him to stay over at the dorms at least for the next two weeks. Especially when he has a home studio set up in the house you both had bought together and decorated.
His not being home has become a routine, a habit even- albeit an excruciating one. What hurts more is the silence, even when on tour he texts or calls at least once a day. Sighing you open the same old chat to see the latest message from a week ago, the same text you have seen a million times till now.
Boarding the plan home. See you soon.
You scroll up the familiar chat screen and see that the messages become less expressive as the tour progresses. You also remember how the news articles and fan tweets raved more about J-hope the idol’s brilliance on stage at the exact same time. Another pattern you are used to, for every emoji his messages as j-hope had, Hoseok's messages became curt and to the point.
Once again, this isn’t new to you or him. In fact, you both met at the peak of j-hope and the absolute low of Hoseok. You might not have been a die-hard fan of the group but you knew enough to know j-hope was not the same shy, anxious and silent Hosoek you’d met by chance in that café. The contrast between who he has on stage and the person you grew to love were stark opposites. Not that you never saw the sunshine hobi, but he was present almost in equal parts as the Hoseok who walks around with a cloud on his head.
But Hoseok never went silent on you in this way. He might be verbally silent for days or weeks together but expressed his feelings in other ways. This time he was completely absent and that simply wouldn’t do. You gave him a week to himself and he still hasn’t returned home. This will simply not do.
And that’s how you find yourself at the door of his studio, at 2 AM, covered in layers of jackets and holding a bag of the dinner you’d made him today- just like you have done every day the past week.
You hesitate outside the studio, looking intently at the door as you contemplate knocking. You know he’s there, instinctively and also because you asked his manager. Huffing out another deep breath you knock on the door.
Silence.
That’s all there is for a minute before you try to open the door yourself, surprised to find it unlocked. You enter the room which reeks of the familiar scent that screams everything hobi- sunshine, flowers and carefree happiness, only to find your boyfriend curled up on the couch hugging his knees with his head down. You close the door slowly and go near him, he's shivering. The sight of him shatters your heavy heart and you reach out to caress him.
"hobi...", your voice comes out as a meek plea.
He shudders for a second and lifts his head up to look at you. His eyes are bloodshot, his usually plump cheeks stained with tears and his heart-shaped mouth in a frown. You drop to your knees and hold his face in your hands, helping him look at you eye to eye. His eyes immediately dart down and he lowers his knees. Just as he can try to push you away you sit next to him on the couch and turn him towards you. You hold his hand with a grip that tells him that he cannot run anymore.
"Please leave me alone." He begs, more tears streaming down his exhausted and ashamed face. You offer him a smile, not one of pity or empathy, just a smile of love.
"You had enough time. I won't let you hurt on your own."
Your voice comes out harsher than you intended but it works as he looks up, eyes now curious. In that second of pure vulnerability, he looks like a child. You reach out and wipe those damned tears away from his face and he leans into your touch.
When he talks again his voice cracks, "I knew I would end up hurting you eventually."
"You didn't hurt me hoba." He looks at me pointedly, "Of course, I did... look at us. I spent a week in the studio because I am too fucked in the head to be with you. All the other guys went home and are happily resting with their partners and I left you alone after months of being away... all because I feel like a fraud. Because I can't figure out why I am this way and why I never have any of me to give you. When I should be giving all of me to the one I love with my whole heart."
By this time he is on your lap, your fingers running through his hair, his hands holding your other hand for dear life.
"Everyone is a little messed up in the head. But it is even harder for someone like you who spends all his time giving every bit of happiness and kindness to everyone around you." You hear him sigh and he starts drawing patterns on your palm as you do the same with his scalp. "I don't really do all that you know..", he sounds unsure and you sense the venom of self-hate dripping in his tone.
"They call you human sunshine for a reason hobi."
He freezes in place for a second and nods slightly. You pause for a minute to look at him, really look at this exhausted, loving human who does so much for everyone around him and so little for himself. He notices the long pause and starts with his patterns again on your palm and settles on your lap. You realise that he needs to see himself for all he is and accept all that as it comes. And you hope he will let you stand with him the whole way.
"Hobi, you are human sunshine. I know it makes you happy to make everyone smile, to take care of your brothers and friends. I know you love being the reason to light up someone's day and being their hope. I also know that you do that because it's what gives you hope for yourself. But...". You pause to gauge his reactions but he shows none and taking that as a good sign you continue.
"But the thing is you are not sunshine... you are human. To be human is to understand that where there is sunshine there is also midnight rain. The more you give, the more you need to. To be sunshine is to burn yourself for others and that is not good for you. So it is okay for you to take your time. To soak in your rain, to be silent and just receive. It's okay for you to rest and pause... Hobi, it's okay for you to receive my love and happiness so that you can give it back tenfolds. You are human and you need your own dose of sunshine too."
He looks up at me with wet big eyes, this time the heart-shaped mouth turned upwards. He slowly gets up, never letting your hand go and moves closer and pulls you in a hug. He holds on to you until there is no space between both of you and rests his head on your shoulder. You reach out one hand to caress the back of his head and hold him by the waist in the other hand.
Time ceases to move as you both sit there, him slightly whimpering into your shoulders and you trying to ease all the pain from him. Hoping that the personification of hope himself will learn to accept himself- one deep breath and a tear at a time. Hoping that he can learn to embrace the rain that follows Hoseok by being the sunshine that j-hope is.
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thebangtancloud · 2 years
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Reaching Him (The Aftermath of not being there when he needs you the most) ~ BTS Reactions
Read Part 1 here :)
Kim Namjoon:
"(Y/n)…"
Namjoon almost gasped out a sigh of relief when his eyes spotted you in the corner of the dressing room, worried eyes connected with his as you stood up from your chair. He pushed his way through the ocean of people in the tight room, briefly apologizing to those he bumped into.
"Namjoon," you whispered into his shoulder when he pulled you up against him. His arms trembled with exhaustion, wrapping themselves tightly around you and burying his head further into the safety of your neck.
"Are you fine?"
"I should be asking you that," you murmured gently, patting his back in a soothing manner.
"I'm okay. I realized I must have made you rush all the way here, was your journey alright?"
"It was alright, Joon," you smiled softly. He pulled away, sighing deeply and looking down, still holding you against him.
"How was the show?"
"Was okay," he mumbled, nodding absentmindedly. "Don't wanna talk about it."
Namjoon looked up to meet your concerned gaze, a tiny smile forming on his mouth as he raised a hand to touch the side of your face.
"I want to go home."
You reached up to wipe away a droplet of sweat that was rolling down the side of his temple. Blowing some cool air onto his face, Namjoon's eyes fluttered closed, bunching up the material of your shirt within his palms.
"Let's go home."
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Kim Seokjin:
A little sigh puffed through Jin's mouth, drowsy eyes opening briefly at the sound of his name that reached his ears.
"Jagi?"
You smiled sadly at the hoarseness that coated his voice, placing a comforting hand over his arm.
"I'm here."
"Good," he murmured, closing his eyes back again. It had been a few hours since he came out of surgery and the stress of the whole accident had left him completely drained. Jin wanted to hold your hand, but he couldn't find the energy to reach for it, so he just hummed at the touch of your fingers that delicately drew circles over his skin.
"You ate?"
"No," you giggled at his concern. "I just reached, my love."
"Eat."
"Can I eat the meat you were making?"
"Pfft-" he scoffed weakly. "Stupid meat."
"It's okay," you chuckled, dragging your chair close to his bed and leaning forward to kiss the side of his head. He turned instinctively, puckering his lips up for a kiss.
"Gimme kiss."
You laughed lightly, gently touching the side of his face before reaching forward to kiss him tenderly. He sighed into your mouth, eyes closed in exhaustion.
"Sleep," you whispered, brushing your fingers through his soft hair.
"Go eat, I'll wait."
"Okay, I'll be right here when you wake up."
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Min Yoongi:
"Yoongi?"
His head rose at the sound of your voice, immediately scrambling up from his spot on the floor and dashing towards you. He caught your face within his hands, panicked eyes darting all over your expression to see if you were in pain.
"You okay?"
"I'm okay, Yoongi. Come here," you encouraged, pulling him into a tender embrace. He breathed out heavily, nodding to himself.
"You're okay."
You hummed against his shoulder, running your hands along the length of his spine in assurance.
"I am. And so are you. We're both okay."
"You took so long," he whispered dreadfully. "I almost thought it was just another voice in my head telling me that you'd be here. But you're here now."
"I'm not going anywhere now, Yoongi. I'm safe. I'm with you. Nothing's going to happen to me."
"That's right," he breathed. "You're safe with me."
A sorrowful smile grew on your face, eyes burning with tears at the fear in his voice.
"Don't leave me, (Y/n)."
The cotton material of your t-shirt absorbed his tears as quickly as they had fallen. You pulled him in closer, tightening your grip on him and shaking your head.
"I won't. I will never leave you. I promise."
"Please be safe, wherever you go. I cannot afford to lose you."
"You won't. Your love will always bring me back home to you."
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Jung Hoseok:
"(Y/n)?"
Hoseok couldn't help but giggle at you, placing a firm hand on the glass window that separated you from him.
"How did you get up here?"
"I climbed," you shrugged, flushed cheeks bunching up under your eyes. Hoseok smiled at the muffled voice that reached his ears, wanting nothing more than to just open the window and pull you in, but he knew he couldn't do that. He couldn't risk putting you in danger.
He watched you hold the railing with one hand, the other slipping into your back pocket and pulling out an N95 mask. After wearing it, you swung your bag to the front so that you could open the zip, gesturing for him to slide the window open.
Hoseok rushed into the house, pulling up his own mask and a face shield, bringing his bottle of sanitizer for you both to use. He sprayed some onto the window, then onto his hands, opening it slightly and spraying a generous amount onto your hands as well.
"We'll get into trouble if someone sees us," he giggled, taking the big cloth bag from your hand and placing it on the floor.
"That's all the more fun," you smirked. "I've got you some fruit juices, supplements, chocolates, beef patties, and a pastry. Has your taste returned?"
He smiled fondly, nodding at you. "It's been a week, babe. I feel fit and fine."
"Good, enjoy these goodies then. Also-"
You reached a hand through the little gap, holding his hand gently in yours.
"I really want to hug you. I want to kiss you. But this should do for now."
"I'm sorry," he frowned, brushing his thumb over your knuckles, feeling overwhelmed at the sensation of your hand in his after so long. "I'm getting tested tomorrow."
"It'll be negative, I know. Don't stress."
"Oh, I won't," he smirked. "I have an anniversary date night to plan."
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Park Jimin:
"I'm sorry-"
"-I'm sorry!"
Jimin gazed at you through the screen, his eyes filling with tears at the distraught look on your face. He was about to speak when your face scrunched up, crying into your hands.
"I'm sorry, Jimin," you sobbed, wiping desperately at your eyes and reaching a hand to touch the screen, wishing you could just touch his face instead.
"Baby," he murmured in a low whisper, looking at you sorrowfully with worried eyes. "Don't cry, please."
"I'm sorry I can't be there when you need me, I'll come, I'll come. I promise. Just give me some time," you pleaded.
A tear rolled down his cheek, feeling the guilt eat him up from the inside.
"Calm down, baby. Please. I can't bear to see you crying when I can't be there to wipe those tears away."
You sniffled, nodding and wiping away your tears. "Okay."
"I'm sorry for the way I treated you," he apologized genuinely, closing his eyes and sighing shakily. "I shouldn't have snapped at you that way."
"It's okay, I understand. Don't apologi-"
"No. I have to," he pressed. "I shouldn't have hurt you that way. I am really sorry."
"Jimin," you shook your head. "I'm not hurt, I promise. I was just sad that I couldn't be there for you when you needed me the most."
"Ugh," he groaned, running his hands along his face. "You're always there for me, (Y/n). I just failed to realize it. I was being selfish and I demanded that you be there with me when it wasn't physically possible. I'm sorry for that."
"It's okay, Jimin. I'll come there soon, just-"
"I'm coming home, baby," he smiled softly. "You don't need to come to me. I'm coming to you."
"Really?" you whispered in disbelief.
"Yes," he nodded lovingly. "I'll be with you in two days."
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Kim Taehyung:
"Come in," he ushered, holding your arm and pulling you further into the house urgently. You chuckled lightly, kicking off your shoes and shrugging off your jacket that he was already tugging at.
"Woah," you breathed out a gasp the moment he crushed you into a tight hug. Taehyung's arms held you right up against his chest, placing the softest kiss on your shoulder.
"Where's Yeontan?"
"Sleeping in his bed. I gave him his meds."
"Aww, my baby," you cooed, running your palms over his back, gently touching the soft hair that was growing past his neck.
"I missed you," he murmured, the biggest pout audible in his voice.
"I missed you too, Tae. I'm sorry I couldn't go with you."
"It's fine now," he grumbled, swaying the two of you slowly to some beat that was going off in his head.
"Have you eaten?" you asked him gently.
"No, was waiting for you."
"Want to sit and talk? Or should we eat something first?"
"Let's eat. You must be hungry."
"We can talk if you want, my love."
He pulled away with a pout.
"No. You're hungry, let's eat."
You smiled softly at Taehyung's expression, reaching up and wrapping your arms around his shoulders, linking them at the back of his head.
"You okay?"
"Nuh-uh," he shook his head.
"Want another hug?" He nodded cutely to which you giggled, pulling him down into your embrace.
Taehyung sighed, turning his head to lay his cheek flat against your shoulder, holding your shirt and gently playing with the material.
"I was really afraid," he admitted in a whisper. "I was all alone, Yeontan looked so tiny and..."
His voice evaporated into a puff of air, choosing not to say anything and simply resting in your arms.
"Everything will be alright, Tae."
"I know, I can finally believe it, now that you're here to remind me."
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Jeon Jungkook:
"-I don't mind wasting a little more time on someone like you."
Jungkook's eyes were red, glazed over with tears of frustration and exhaustion. Seeing you in front of him felt like he was hallucinating, but your scent grounded him, brought him back from whatever daydream he was slipping into, because all of a sudden, your skin felt too real against his.
The door swung shut gently after you had walked through, bag falling by your side and taking two bold steps towards him, walking into the house with your shoes on until you reached him. He seemed to be in a daze, and you took that as your chance to pull him against you.
Tears that mingled with each other and gentle cries that came from both of you somehow played the role of a comforter, the taste of the alcohol from his lips mixing with the salt of your tears.
Jungkook felt weaker than you remembered, frame pulled down by the weight of his heartbreak, trembling fingers trying his best to keep you right up against him. His heart raced under your touch, wanting nothing more than to just melt in the warmth of your embrace and never see the darkness that you were bringing him out of, ever again.
"You're such a jerk."
He nodded, head dipping and wet eyelashes hiding away the shame in his eyes.
"I am."
"You left me when I needed you the most, yet here I am when you need me the most."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, so soft that you could've missed it. He was afraid to break you any more than he already had. He was afraid that if he did, he himself would shatter into a million pieces.
"Jungkook," you whined softly. "This isn't fair."
He finally mustered up the courage to look into your eyes, his heart leaping with a flutter when he saw the expression in them. He knew, he knew at that moment, you let down all your walls.
He probably didn't deserve to be given a second chance, but Jungkook knew that if you were willing to give him one, he wouldn't mess up again. He wouldn't break you again.
So with a broken whisper, he pulled your face against his in a tender kiss, lips trembling in an effort to not sob right into your mouth.
"I love you."
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BTS Reactions Masterlist.
Main Masterlist.
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yoongiphoria · 1 year
Text
do i wanna know? | jhs
pairing: hoseok x reader warnings: angst (of course), unrequited(?) love, oc cheats (!! sorry joon !!), so much alcohol (and potential alcoholism), mentions of anxiety and nightmares, a ton of switching POVs, potentially terrible taste in music but i’m exposing myself lol word count: 3.2k oop-🫢 note: i was going to post over the weekend but i fear i will be incapacitated after YTC busan so it's here early! (idk what it is about this college-bffs-confessing-as-adults kick i’m on lately but…. yeah ok enjoy)
listened to: do i wanna know? - arctic monkeys; i can't make you love me - kinda blue & hwasa; happier than ever - mamamoo
“Not this again.”
Hoseok braces himself against the brick exterior of the bar. It’s shitty. It’s old. It’s his favorite place in the world—it gives him an excuse to call you. 
The bartender narrows his eyes on the other side of the dirty glass. Hoseok might be one of his favorite patrons, but he is in dire need of supervision.
Hoseok coughs. The edges of his phone feel blurry in his hands. “Come get me.”
You’re silent for a moment, then you take a deep breath—one he can feel in his bones. “Same place?”
“I love you.”
“Shut the fuck up.” Click.
Hoseok leans his head back against the wall, letting it fall listlessly from side to side. He takes in lungfuls of air. It feels nice—knife-sharp, icy. It soothes the burns of tequila shots and whiskey in the back of his throat. It helps part the dizzying fog in his head.
It feels like seconds, it feels like hours, it feels like a month. The bartender gazes balefully out onto the sidewalk, watches as Hoseok slumps miserably against the glass, shakes his head. He only looks away once the familiar car pulls up, once the familiar woman ducks out of the driver’s seat, once Hoseok is deposited—gently, despite everything—and buckled into the passenger seat.
“You’re impossible, you know that?”
You can’t even look at him. If you’ve been counting right, this is the twenty-first time.
Twenty-one times you’ve shoved your feet into whatever shoes are closest to the door, twenty-one times you’ve fished the keys out of the bowl by the entryway. Twenty-one times you’ve navigated your pathetic excuse for a car down the narrow streets of this spectacularly unsavory neighborhood and plucked a spectacularly drunk Hoseok off the street.
It has to stop.
“I have a life, Hoseok. One I’d prefer not to waste by picking you up every time you call me fucked-drunk from Nara’s.”
He doesn’t respond, leaning his forehead against the cold glass. Everything’s happening in slow motion, a blur of scents and sounds. He takes it all in, committing everything to memory, like it might not last. The floral fragrance of your air freshener, the textured cloth under his thighs, the way his knees are practically jammed in his throat from how close the seat is to the dash. He fumbles for the lever underneath, lets himself slide back a foot. Wonders idly who sat here last.
“Don’t you have anything to say?” 
He doesn’t. He feels shame, yes, but it’s distant, muted by the countless glasses he’s emptied. He says nothing.
There are a million things he wants to say, but it’s too late—the silence has inflated. It suffocates him, leaves no room for words, leaves no air to breathe.
He chances a look over at you, and realizes you’re fuming. You’re white-knuckling the steering wheel, shoulders raised defensively. A muscle tics in your jaw, right where it hinges to your cheekbones. He wants to kiss the spot—he lets his eyes drop shamefully, back to his lap.
He wants to do a lot of things. A lot of things that he has to keep stuffed down, hidden. Repressed.
“I need you to say something.”
He looks up at you again, lips parted. “Say what?”
“Anything. I’m clearly not getting through to you. I need you to….” You trail off, sighing, nudging the wheel to the right to get on the on-ramp of the expressway. “Just tell me that you hear me.”
“Okay.” His voice sounds hoarse—he clears his throat. “I hear you.”
You sigh again, nod. This small, potentially meaningless phrase, even though explicitly requested, seems to placate you a little. Hoseok eyes you watchfully, fighting to keep his eyes open as the car settles into a steady pace, the exits flying by his window. “Alright.”
You reach over and turn on the radio, looking vaguely deflated; the fight’s gone out of you. It’s like you don’t even have the energy to be angry anymore, and he wonders if he’s said something wrong. An old Foster the People song fills the space between you—he drums his fingers nervously on his knee, bobs his head, feels the drunkenness start to ebb away.
The only thing worse than being apart from you? Being right next to you and not knowing what to say. Longing for you anyway.
He thinks back to the night you first met, as college freshmen, at some first-year’s dorm party. Ever the social butterfly, he’d flitted from room to room, exchanging banal pleasantries. I’m from Gwangju, what about you? Yeah, I think I’ve seen you in Professor Kang’s lecture—Modern English, right? Thanks, I love your jacket.
Then, he’d wandered into your room, the tiny triple you shared with two other girls. He remembers liking your taste in music back then, too. Glass Animals and Phoenix, mixed in with Kendrick and J. Cole. He remembers how desperately anti-social you’d looked, tucked in the corner of the room with one hand wrapped around your plugged-in phone and the other clutching a plastic cup of sour beer. He remembers the deer-in-headlights expression on your face as he’d approached you, hand outstretched, determined to speak to the cute girl who seemingly wasn’t speaking to anyone.
Hi, I’m Hoseok. I usually go by Hope, though.
He looks at you again, now. You’re as beautiful as you were the night of that party—perhaps even more so, now that you’ve shed the insecurities of your freshman self. You’re fully yourself, never shifting or muting your personality for others. You exist exactly as you are.
He likes that about you. He loves that about you.
But then again, so does Namjoon.
His hands curl into small fists at his sides. If you notice, you don’t say anything. His heart falters a little when the car pulls off two exits earlier than it normally does.
You’re taking him to his apartment. Of course you are. Namjoon must be back in town.
You bite your lip, glance over at Hoseok. You don’t know why you feel guilty, and not infuriated or frustrated or any of the other things you felt when you first pulled up to Nara’s, but you do. “I can’t nurse you back to sobriety at my place tonight.” You don’t tell him why. Even in this state, you’re sure he can read between the lines.
You know what you need to do: sit him down somewhere, wait for him to sober up, and ask him what the fuck is going on. Beg him to cut back on the drinking. Let him know exactly how much it inconveniences you every time you have to roll out of bed, every Friday night you lie awake at night unable to sleep because you’re waiting for the phone to ring. Tell him about the nightmares you have about him lying in a ditch somewhere or throwing up in a grimy alley or getting into a fight with someone.
You’re not going to ask him why he’s let himself lapse into this habit. You’re too afraid to hear the answer. You’re terrified of calling out, explicitly identifying, the weight that has pressed against the bounds of your friendship for… how long has it been now, eight years? nine?
But you won’t stop picking him up when he calls, will never warn him that this is the last time. In spite of everything, you love him. Maybe you can’t love him in the way he wants you to, the way he needs you to, but you do love him.
“I’ll take you inside.”
Hoseok looks up and realizes that the car has come to a stop. You’re in the parking lot in the center of his apartment complex, engine shut off, windows cracked. He lets the cool breeze ghost over his face and calm the red flush in his cheeks. Instead of getting out of the car, he closes his eyes and tilts his head back.
It’s ridiculous. He should leave. Go inside. But he can’t. Here, with you, he’s the most comforted he’s felt in weeks.
“I love you.”
He’s tired of holding it in. Fuck Namjoon, fuck the fear of losing the friendship.
“I know,” you murmur, reaching for your door handle, and he realizes you’ve misunderstood.
He reaches across the center console, his hand knocking into an empty coffee cup, fumbles in the dark to grip your hand in his. “No, Y/N. I love you.”
You’re trying to give him an out, but he’s not taking it.
At twenty-one, you would have given anything to hear this admission. Sitting in the back row of the campus shuttle with Hoseok, your thighs pressed together while you split a pair of wired earbuds; clinking warm beer bottles on the roof of your dorm building, your legs dangling off the edge; eating stale kimbap and lukewarm miyeokguk in the dining halls, swapping plates and complaining idly about finals. You’d loved him that way, back then. Loved seeing his wide smile whenever he spotted you on the street, the way he leaned forward slightly and held his arms out for you, the way he smelled clean all the time and listened to you cry about your grades and patiently gave you tough love when you needed it.
But then, all too quickly, you’d both graduated, and left behind the safe cocoon of your college campus. You’d waited too long, he’d waited too long, and those days aren’t coming back to you anymore. 
With Namjoon, it’s good. It’s easy. He’s forthcoming about his feelings, forthcoming with you always. You’d met him in your senior year at school and had ended up working in the same office of a multinational electronics company. He’d asked you out a month after you both started work. As he put it, Hoseok’s disappearance from your daily orbit had finally given him the opening he was looking for.
Namjoon travels often now for his new position, always leaving you with an apologetic smile but returning with a souvenir in his outstretched hand, little things that made him think of you—a little glass koala, a small stuffed bunny, a bookmark shaped like the Eiffel Tower. His absences are the only thing that allows you to leave your shared apartment like this, in the dead of night. To pick up another man, one who is now slurring out a confession, no less. Eight years too late.
Tonight, Namjoon’s home. You made your excuses—you’d left your files at work, you’d pick it up and be back soon. If you told him where you were really headed, he wouldn’t have minded, but he would have wanted to come, too. And for some reason, you suspected that bringing your fiancé wouldn’t be a good idea.
What Hoseok is saying now is just proving you right.
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
He won’t take the out, so you force him into it. You swallow, trying to think past your pounding headache and rapid-fire heart beat.
“You’re drunk, and it’s late. We’ll talk about this next time.” You slide your hand out of his grasp and pop the door open. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”
The two of you trudge toward his building in silence. You watch as he swipes the key fob against the side panel, as the glass doors glide open and allow you entry. Hoseok might be frequently inebriated, but he’s high-functioning—his building screams luxury, all glass and marble and silver accents, a domicile befitting for a successful studio executive like him.
You make your way down the wide, marble-tiled hallway to his front door, one of only four on this floor. You’ll deposit him at the door, you tell yourself firmly as you steady his body against yours. He’s draped against you, slowly moving forward one step at a time, his body heat seeping through his wind-chilled bomber jacket, one arm lazily slung over your shoulders. His breath stinks like whiskey.
Hoseok punches in his key code, pauses for the whirs and clicks of his electronic lock system, turns to invite you in like he would normally.
And then his eyes fall to your hand, propped up against the doorframe.
“Fuck.”
You follow his line of sight to your left ring finger.
“I meant to tell you.” Is he imagining it, or do you sound guilty? Like you’re the one who’s been caught doing something?
“When?”
“When did it happen, or when was I going to tell you?”
“The first one. Fuck, I don’t know. Both.” He leans his head back against the still-closed door—he suddenly feels exhausted, bone-tired.
“He proposed last month. Just before the last time you called.” You swallow, cheeks flushed. He wants to cradle them, pull your pink and slightly chapped lips up to his, but he keeps his hands firmly clamped to his sides. “And I was going to tell you next week. But then you called again.”
“Before last time,” he repeats slowly. He’s too sober for this.
“Yes.”
“So I was too fucking gone to notice the big-ass diamond on your finger.”
“I didn’t wear it out last time.”
“Why not?”
“I wasn’t ready to tell you.”
Hoseok exhales. “Why? It’s just me.”
“Hoseok,” you say quietly, and he’s forced to look up at you again. He knows you so, so well—better than Namjoon does, he likes to think—and he doesn’t have to process the look on your face. Regret. And it’s not just wishful thinking.
“Yes.”
“Hoseok, it’s never just you. You… can we go inside?”
He rights himself. “Right. Yes.” He has to punch in the door code again—his cheeks turn red as he holds open the door for you.
His place is cleaner than you expect, but then again, this is Hoseok. Hope. Your best friend, who never left a party without staying behind to help clean up a little, who’d never gone longer than a week without dragging you to the decrepit dorm laundry rooms with him. He might be scraping rock-bottom, but his apartment remains spotless. You run your hand along the gleaming countertop of the kitchen island, admire the neatly arranged dishes in the rack by the sink.
Hoseok turns to face you. He gets the feeling that he should be doing something else, offering you water, maybe. But he’s too impatient. He’s a fool who’s finding a fleck of pyrite in the mine and confusing it for gold. “What do you mean, it’s never just me?”
You stand up straighter, crossing your arms. “I think we need to talk. We’ve been needing to talk for a long time.”
“I meant what I said, earlier. I’m not just… I’m not just saying shit because—“
“I’m engaged.”
“Fuck, I know. Well, I didn’t before. But I know now.”
You just look at him, eyes flooded. Hoseok wants to walk over to you, take you in his arms and let you cry in his shoulder like you did all those nights in college, but there’s a wall up now. One he can’t quite figure out how to overcome. Everything about your body language indicates stiffness, discomfort, and he suddenly feels hot shame flooding through him—no more drunkenness to dull the corners of it. 
“How long?” you ask quietly, finally breaching the silence.
He knows what you’re asking. “Six years.”
Not quite as long as he’s known you, because for him, love isn’t so simple. He doesn’t fall in love very easily. He does everything meticulously, but especially romance—he toes lines, observes, studies people before he allows himself to trust and develop affection. He might be an extrovert, but he’s not a lovesick fool.
Which has made the last six years that much harder, because he’s never been more sure about anything else: He has never loved anyone the way he loves you.
“You had six years to say something.” You’re not saying it out loud, but he’s not an idiot: You’re closing the door. You’re telling him he’s too late.
“You’re really in love with him?” The words come out before he can stop them. He lets them stumble out, lets himself lose restraint one last time. He’s ruined everything, anyway—might as well hammer the nail in the coffin.
“You’re so fucking selfish, Hoseok.” You’re freely crying now, using your sleeve to swipe at your eyes, your voice thick. “You were too much of a coward to say anything for years, and then the second I’m finally happy, the second I finally, fully give my heart to someone else, you decide it’s time to say it.”
“Y/N, I….” He fidgets in place, unsure what to do. Go to you? Stay where he is? He opts for the latter.
“Yes, I am. I am in love with him.”
Again, he doesn’t have to decipher you. The way you can't look at him when you say it tells him everything he needs to know.
"But you were in love with me."
You stare at the ground. Your head hangs heavily, your hair forming a curtain—Hoseok feels an ache, a strained but hopeful one, tugging at his chest.
"I don't see how that's relevant anymore."
The hope dims, but that doesn’t stop him.
“Kiss me.”
“Hoseok, I—“
“Please.” He swallows air, chest shuddering, but his eyes stay clear. “Please, just… once. And then we can forget this ever happened. Please.”
You’re not sure what to say. You can’t forget this happened. It’s like he’s taken your friendship and shattered it against the floor, and now he’s expecting it to be made whole again. Willful ignorance, you could manage. You could pretend not to know how he felt, swallow and bury your own unresolved emotions until they became invisible. But now that he’s thrust everything out into the open, verbalized it and given shape to it, there’s no going back.
But there is one thing—the jeong. The affection. No matter how distant Hoseok becomes, there will always be that indescribable force tying your fate to his, tugging love from your chest and demanding attention. Try as you might, you can’t just erase eight, nine years of late-night phone calls, secrets whispered in the dark, watching each other fall apart and come back together again.
There is no just erasing Hoseok out of your life. Or replacing him, for that matter.
So you take a step toward him. You know you must look a mess—tears spill freely down your cheeks and collect under your nose and chin. You’re not wearing makeup. But this is Hoseok. He’s seen you at your worst. You’ve seen him at his worst.
You carefully wipe your mind blank as you stand on your tiptoes, but a cacophony resounds anyway.
He doesn’t know what he’s asking. He’s drunk out of his mind. Just one won’t hurt. He won’t remember this tomorrow.
All things you tell yourself as you allow your lips to meet his, allow his slender and beautiful hands to curve along your jaw and press your figures together, allow yourself to forget about your fiancé waiting in your shared bed for you. 
It feels right and wrong, all at once.
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yoonia · 1 year
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“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world, forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.” — Alexander Pope, ”Eloisa to Abelard"
———
“We met at the wrong time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot.”
“You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story.” — Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds
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⟶ Character | Hoseok x reader ⟶ Genre | Past Lovers!AU, Lawyer!Hoseok, Artist!reader, New Beginning, inspired by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds (yes, the movie) ⟶ Ratings & Warnings | +18 / M for Mature; appropriate warnings will be applied on each story whenever necessary.
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— Read:
Scene One.
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⟶ Title | Spotless Minds ● 36k words ⟶ Summary | He was a man who had wanted too much, and you were a woman who had lost so much. Once the wounds from the past come in the way for you to embrace your future with the man you love, the option for a new beginning comes in the form of erasing the painful pages of your past to allow yourself to heal and to begin again. Even if he was also a part of it.
———
Scene Two.
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⟶ Title | Eternal Sunshine ● 39k words ⟶ Summary | You had always felt that meeting him was a chance of fate. He had always been the missing piece of the puzzle that you had been searching for, the beautiful stranger who had somehow become your home. But when your soul seems to refuse to stop searching, you begin to find scraps of the past that had somehow gone missing, erased and forgotten, hiding the pain that would have tainted the perfect life that you have built together. Suddenly, you are given a chance to open the pandora’s box, to collect the missing scraps of your past. Would you dare to open it and risk what you have with him, or would you leave it alone and move on, just the way you had decided to do it a long time ago?
———
Bonus Scene.
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⟶ Title | Sunset Glow (coming soon!) ⟶ Summary | Summer getaways have always been your favourite escape. A chance for you to step away from real life and all of its troubles, away from the hectic hours that you must endure every day, and you have always enjoyed the precious time that you get to spend with your lover. But as you accidentally stumble upon a reminder of the past that you have been slowly walking away from, you finally get to see Hoseok losing his resolve for the first time. It is now your turn to become his rock, and help remind him the reason why he has always been yours.
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— Alternate universe: 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞
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— Trivia:
⟶ Audio commentary: Writing process talk ⟶ Spotless Minds & Eternal Sunshine - behind the story (coming soon!)
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— Press play: Björk - Jóga | Daughter - Medicine | Se So Neon - 긴 꿈 A Long Dream | Sunwoo Jung Ah - It's Raining | Gotswim - Okoto (Moonracer Remake) | Lana Del Rey - If You Lie Down With Me | G. Strizzolo - Broken Feelings | PLAZA - Love You Again | Lana del Rey - Summertime Sadness | James Arthur - Say You Won’t Let Go
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— Cross-post: AO3 | Wattpad | Inkitt — Fic talk & feedback: Spotless Minds ● Eternal Sunshine ● Sunset Glow — Mailbox
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© All rights reserved. 2016-2024 @yoonia​ — Unauthorized use and/or duplication of these works, including reposting, translating and modification in any form, is strictly prohibited.
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iamthecatwhotypes · 4 days
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the letter (bts)
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It started with an unsigned letter...
💘Pairing: Fem!OC x Yongbok/Secret Admirer | Sincerely AU 📚Genre: Sincerely... AU (m.list) | Romantic Angst 🔞Rating: 18+ ⌨Word Count: 4.4k ✋🏽Warnings: Unhealthy relationship (edging on neglect; quick to anger) 🗣Summary: Jinju's birthday started out rough... but a curious letter from a secret admirer gives her new hope. The problem is, which of her friends has a crush on her? 💌A/N: Hi! I'm new, but have been lurking for a while. I've had this idea in my head for a while and wanted to give this a try. If you have any constructive criticism or anything you want to say about this, please feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear from you! 😁If you want to read on AO3, you can! 🥰 I know a lot of people prefer to read a whole story when it's done. If you want me to tag you when this series is finished, let me know and I'll tag you when the finale drops.
There was something in the air that Friday night.
It felt… maybe a bit romantic, really. The sky had faded to a soft blue with fluffy clouds bathed in pastel pinks and oranges while the horizon was aglow in dazzling gold. Chasing after the cotton candy clouds from the east was a storm the color of spilled ink. They sprinted along the sky, gobbling up the half moon that hung low and bright.
Rainy nights were my favorite. I was convinced they washed away all the negativity of the day or week and left me with a clean slate.
Maybe it’ll sound a little crazy or overdramatic, but it felt like there was something fated in the crisp breeze that whipped through my hair. It felt like I was on the precipice of something exciting and new starting.
I loved the way it seemed like everyone around me was so happy while being bathed in the soft glow of the street lights that were flipping on one street at a time.
I loved nights like this. They made me think of home when I was young. I'd sit with my mom and brother and watch the lightning until either the storm ended, or I fell asleep. 
In my moment of nostalgia, I looked around for my boyfriend, Yongbok, hoping to wrap my hands around his arm and walk tucked up against him, but saw him already so far ahead of me that he was almost to the restaurant we were going to meet our friends at. 
I paused for a moment, my shoulders slumping against the sudden brunt of disappointment. My jaw went slack as my heart slid down my ribs into my gut and dissolved in its bath of acid.
Why was he so far ahead? He almost always walked with me. I mean, yeah, he was a much faster walker than I was, but he had a bit of height on me and naturally had a longer stride.
I blamed my outfit. I didn’t often wear skirts or heeled sandals. Even though the long champagne colored skirt I wore had a slit up to the middle of my leg, I felt awkward walking in it. It felt almost alien to dress this feminine. The bag I had brought was bulkier than I was used to as well.
I guess I felt a bit like a puppy that had yet to grow into its paws.
Despite all of that, he should have been walking beside me like a proper boyfriend would.
Although… we have been going through sort of a rough patch, I guess. We’d made plans to go out tonight to celebrate my birthday months ago. Maybe he felt like if he didn’t show up tonight, then all our friends would know we were having problems and he didn’t want them to notice. 
I hoped that meant he still wanted to try and work things out with me.
I heaved a sigh and hurried after him, nearly breaking into a sprint in order to meet him at the door. He held it open with his foot and tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
A small part of me was worried he'd started to be embarrassed by me. I had gained a bit of weight since I stopped doing my normal dance classes. I didn't think it had been a lot, but I had caught him looking at my tummy a couple of times.
Maybe he was just excited for everything that we had planned to do tonight. 
I felt myself get excited at the idea he'd gotten me something nice.
Maybe he was going to finally propose and was just nervous.
Why would he be nervous though? It wasn't like I would say no!
I smiled up at him sheepishly when I lowered my head and slipped past him and into the restaurant.
I loved this restaurant. The walls were black and the lights that hung overhead were low. It smelled of meat and fish and spices.
It reminded me of how my family's house had smelled when I was a child and my grandmother was cooking.
I looked around, plastering a smile on my face and searching for my friends.
I spotted Namjoon’s freshly dyed purple hair in a far corner and grabbed Yongbok's wrist, pulling him along with me as I navigated towards the group, my smile full and authentic now. 
Yongbok pulled his hand from mine and skirted past me, almost bumping into a waitress with a tray full of sushi, gimbap, and a delightful smelling udon. 
She gasped and steadied the tray with her free hand, her mouth agape as I waved her on, apologizing quietly for his rudeness.
Why was he acting like this? He was being so rude and embarrassing!
I scowled at him and walked over to the table, forcing the smile to grace my face again as almost everyone looked over at me.
I could almost feel the judgement in their eyes as Jimin pulled a chair out for me and pushed it in as I sat while everyone at the table wished me a happy birthday. I smiled shyly at them and bowed my head several times in gratitude while holding my hands together in thanks.
Even though it should have been Yongbok seating me, I thanked Jimin anyway. 
He was always a gentleman.
I looked at Yongbok and sighed again when I saw him already deep in conversation with Jungkook who had just started getting a full sleeve of tattoos and, of course, Yongbok was curious about it. He’d wanted to get tattoos for a while now and Jungkook had been the only one in our friend group brave enough to start.
The tattoos I could see on his knuckles were hard to read in the quick moment I looked at, but they looked crisp enough to look decent.
“Look at you!” My best friend, Chaeyoung leaned close to whisper into my ear as she took my bag and admired it for a moment before hanging it from a hook under the table I didn’t know existed. “I bet Yongbok is just itching to get his hands on you tonight!”
She hid her giggle with her long, slender hand. I did my best to laugh along with her to avoid suspicion. It’d been such a long time since Yongbok had touched me… since he’d hugged me… I thought I would probably erupt with joy as soon as he even so much as held my hand.
“Well, you look stunning.” Chaeyoung continued sincerely before letting her eyes gaze at the candles flickering in the center of the table. She went far away for a moment. “I probably shouldn’t say this, but I am a little jealous you have a boyfriend on your birthday. Mine was so lonely.”
I looked her over and scoffed. She was always so elegant with her high cheekbones, small forehead, and full hips that swung like a pendulum when she walked. She was everything I considered to be perfect. I couldn’t understand why she was still single. “You’ll find the right guy soon!”
“I hope so.” Her shoulders slumped enough for her collarbone to peek out from under the sleeveless black cocktail dress she wore.
I nudged her with my arm and leaned close, glancing around the table quickly to see who was watching us. “Have you told… you know… how you feel?”
Her eyes flicked up to the man who sat quietly on the other side of the table, between Jungkook and Namjoon, staring at a glass of water that was sitting in a pool of its own condensation. She shook her head and pulled her waist length black hair behind her ear. “No. If he likes me, he needs to approach me.”
“What if he’s shy?”
She gave a nonchalant shrug and took a sip of her red wine, the glint of the candles catching her long, almond nails painted in a nude shade. She thought carefully for a moment and met my eyes. “I think he likes someone. He’s been acting differently recently.”
I nudged her again as a pair of waitresses came around, setting steaming bowls of clear soup in front of us and taking our entree orders. “It could be you.”
She offered me a smile. “I hope so.”
We giggled together before beginning to eat our soups.
I looked around the table at everyone laughing together and sat back with a smile. 
I hadn't known anyone when I moved to Seoul as a teenager. It was only once I had met Yongbok that anyone at this table came into my life.
My life had become so rich and full with everything everyone brought to share with me.
I couldn't imagine my life without them.
“So… Jinju….” Jimin rubbed his hands on his trousers and looked over at me with a smile. I met his gaze and raised a brow, waiting for him to continue, watching as he ran a hand through his thick blond hair and cleared his throat. He shifted his weight and turned towards me. “What… um… what are we doing afterwards? I think it's been kept a surprise from us when, really, we should have been the ones to surprise you.”
I laughed as he ran his tongue across his bottom lip, his eyes roving my face. 
His sudden attention on me was a little confusing for me. Jimin had always been kind, but I had written it off as him being polite to his friend's girlfriend. 
I couldn't lie though, it was nice to have a man talk to me so kindly.
Yongbok looked up at us too. His large eyes narrowed suspiciously while going from Jimin to me and back again.
That was odd. 
Was he jealous or had he just forgotten our plans? I couldn't be sure. 
I came back to myself and put on my friendliest smile while laying my hands on the wood table.
“But I love surprising you all! I hope you don't mind.”
I dipped my head shyly. I hoped I hadn't inadvertently caused offense. I really didn't think anyone would mind. I had never been a fan of birthdays and really just wanted the attention to be off of me.
Jimin chuckled and ran a hand down the black blazer he wore, waving the other to dispel my worry. He softened his hand and offered a gentle smile. “Of course not. 
“I thought that since we were so close to Lotte World, that we could go there after we eat and do a scavenger hunt. I have a little gift for the winner.” I had gifts hidden away in my purse for everyone though, but I wasn’t going to admit that now. 
“It’s raining now though, my dear.” Yongbok interjected, his deep voice tinged with a gravelly undertone, hinting that I was being ridiculous. He used the endearment to try and soften his tone.
“I…,” I didn’t have much time to respond before Taehyung piped up, his eyes still on his glass.
“I drove.” He pushed his white linen napkin along the edge of the glass before looking up at me first then quickly around the table and back to his glass again. He swallowed hard and shrugged a shoulder as the weight of the collective stare went to him. “I can’t fit everyone, but….”
He let his words fall away, thankfully saved by the waitresses and a pair of runners who came up to our table and laid our meals out before us.
I couldn’t help but notice Yongbok glower at him for a moment before whipping open his napkin and laying it over his lap.
What was wrong with him?
I glanced at Chaeyoung to see if maybe I was overreacting, but she was watching me worriedly as she plucked up a piece of beef.
I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I knew it was hollow. I couldn’t lie to her very well.
We fell into eating a bit quieter than before.
I appreciated Taehyung stepping up to help keep my birthday perfect. At some point in time, without me even realizing, he and Jimin had become my friends too… genuinely.
I didn’t know what I had done to earn that, but I was very grateful. 
The world felt a little smaller and less scary with them in it.
Eventually, we finished our meals and looked outside to see the rain had become so heavy that the street was practically empty save for a few stragglers who were drenched and huddled into their jackets and wincing against the elements.
Jungkook was the first to speak, always quick and eager to help in any way he could. “I think we should take Jinju to the zoo tomorrow. Or… maybe the aquarium.”
Namjoon nodded, pointing at him as he clasped his hands together and rested his elbows on the table. “Namdaemun would be cool too.”
“Oh… the Seosomun Museum is close to there.” Jimin chirped, glancing at me as he crossed his legs and sat back in his chair. “We could make a day of it if we wanted to.”
“Oh!” Chaeyoung cried out and leaned forward, her brow pinched and her eyes narrowed. “We could go to Sky Pizza!” She turned to me and put her hand on my arm. “That’s Bong Joon-Ho’s restaurant in Parasite!”
“We’re taking a tour of Seoul tomorrow.” Yoongi suddenly spoke with a breathy, deep laugh. “We may as well go to the National Park Mountain Museum.”
“Where is that?” Chaeyoung pulled her phone from her purse and tapped the name into her map app then looked up with wide eyes. “Bro! That’s so far away!”
Namjoon smiled until his eyes were half moons and shook Yoongi’s hand. “I see you’re getting out more.”
“That’s almost in Gyeonggi! That’s like an hour away!”
I was about to say that I loved getting out of the city, but Yoongi spoke again, waving his hand, his pinky slightly curved.
“Jinju, what would you like to do tomorrow?”
Everyone’s eyes shifted over to me and it was suddenly hard to breathe. I blinked rapidly and felt my mouth grow dry as my jaw went slack.
I couldn’t choose the museum Yoongi had suggested even though it sounded wonderful. Chaeyoung would be too miserable travelling that far. I made a note to go there later on my own. I sat up straight with a bright smile, watching subconsciously as almost everyone mirrored my movement. “I think we should go to the aquarium, Seosomun Museum, and Sky Pizza. If that’s okay?”
I looked over at Chaeyoung as she wrapped her arms around mine with a giggle. “That’s gonna be so fun!”
“Let’s see if it’s still raining tomorrow.” Yongbok’s voice was drowned out by Taehyung and Jimin offering to drive all of us, which made him roll his eyes.
Part of me felt bad for him to be ignored. I knew he hated it, but maybe the others were ignoring him since he was in such a foul mood.
I tried to compensate for him by being the brighter one.
“I’m really excited. It’ll be nice to do some new things.” I smiled at no one in particular.
My eyes flicked to Yongbok as he clinked his shot glass together with Jungkook’s and threw his drink back. I hadn’t even realized the grapefruit soju on the table. Yongbok locked eyes with me and pointed at me with a grin on his full lips then poured himself another shot. He raised it towards me, waiting for a moment for our bewildered friends to quickly follow suit when they realized there was going to be an impromptu toast. 
“Here’s to our beautiful Jinju on her birthday.” Yongbok smiled and gave a chuckle, the mood brightening for a moment as our friends broke into a smile and parroted him before he continued, interrupting a few of them. “May we all be so accommodating.”
I thought I heard a hint of sourness to his tone that the others seemed to gloss over. 
I smiled and bowed my head in thanks to my friends before a crack of thunder shook the building and made the lights flicker. We jumped and looked to see if the building had been hit.
“I think that's our signal to go.” Namjoon finished off his beer and stood with the rest of the table following suit quickly. We followed him to the counter to pay.
“Thank you all for such a lovely evening.” I bowed to the group at the large double doors that were painted black with an ornate design painted gold in the center of both of them. “It was good to see you all again and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow!”
I gladly accepted a hug from Chaeyoung, Jimin and Taehyung then shook hands with Namjoon and Jimin. Yoongi and Jungkook both gave me a small bow before looking out the windows as a flash of lightning illuminated the sky for a moment.
“I'll drive you home, Namjoon.” Taehyung patted the man on his shoulder as Jungkook fished his keys from the pocket of his black trousers and Yoongi pulled his black blazer over his tight black turtleneck.
“You two walked, right?” Jimin turned to us, raising his brow as Yongbok nodded, a sense of disappointment seeming to wash over him as his shoulders drooped a little. “I'll drive you home.”
I stepped up to him with a smile and held my hands demurely before me. “Thank you for your help, Jimin. Yongbok and I appreciate it very much.”
The tips of his ears grew red as he tipped his head away with a smile and ran his hand through his hair again as Yoongi swung the door open for us, his hand up to shield himself from the rain.
“Thank you!” I put my hand on his shoulder as I brushed past him, my skirt quickly becoming plastered to my thighs as the rain threatened to drench me entirely. He nodded and gave the fastest smile I had ever seen before looking away. 
Yongbok put his hand on my waist, pulling me close and guiding me quickly to Jimin’s car. He pulled away and sat in the front, leaving me to start to slip in the back before remembering I didn't have my purse.
“I forgot my bag!” I stood despite Yongbok's grunt of disgust and shielded my eyes with my hand as a waitress came out with my bag. I took it from her with a bow. “Thank you!”
“Jinju! Get in the car!” Yongbok yelled through the window at me as I opened the door and dropped inside, thankful for the quickly heated interior.
“Sorry.”
“It’s…”
“Next time be more mindful.” Yongbok barked over Jimin, glowering at me from his spot as I sank into the back of my seat with wide eyes. “You're ruining the interior.”
My jaw went slack.
I was so confused.
He’d never berated me in front of other people before, let alone his closest friends. 
I don’t think he’s even ever raised his voice to me before. Why was he being so cruel? And on my birthday too. 
It made my heart drop as I lowered my head while Jimin stared at him, his playful, sweet eyes now dark and hard.
He moved his jaw from side to side before taking a deep breath and holding his hand up, palm down, trying to diffuse the situation. “Let’s not let a little rain ruin tonight. This car’s been through much worse than this.” He laughed, bringing me, at least, a little lightness and I relaxed. “I was getting the car washed one time and forgot to roll my window up until I was being sprayed in my ear.”
“Bro… you did what?” Yongbok stared in confusion at Jimin as he covered his face with his hands and laughed. 
Perhaps it was mean of me, but it was nice to see him be humbled after being rude to me.
“Yeah, I drove home with all the windows down to try and dry it out.” Jimin sighed and looked back at me when I covered my mouth as I giggled. “But anyway, don’t even worry about it. You’re fine, I’m not mad.”
I smiled and looked up at him through my lashes. “Thank you, Jimin.”
Jimin tried to get a conversation going, but with Yongbok’s mood, the short trip to our apartment felt like an eternity.
Jimin pulled up to the curb and put the car into park, twisting in his seat and reaching back to smile at me. “Happy birthday, Jinju. I’m sorry it rained, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.”
“I'm sure it will be. Thank you again for coming out with us and driving us home.”
Yongbok was out of the car and opening my door suddenly, his voice . “Remember your purse this time.”
I tried to smile but my lips refused to pretend.
I grabbed my purse and stepped out of the car, waving to Jimin before hurrying to catch up with Yongbok who was practically at the door of our building already. 
“What's wrong with you?” I glared up at him, watching as he threw his hands up and walked away. He went through the door to the stairs and let it slam behind him. 
I stood staring after him.
What happened? What had I done?
All I wanted to do was cry. 
I felt my chin tremble and remembered that my clothes were still wet. Even if my heart was breaking, I had to go take care of myself.
I went to the elevator and trudged my way to our door and tapped in the code. I slipped inside and stepped out of my shoes, holding my purse to my chest.
It only took a moment for me to hear him playing a video game loud enough that I was sure our neighbors would hear the woman screaming alongside the gunfire.
I felt so completely defeated. This wasn’t how I planned on my birthday going.
I had been so hopeful that today we would play nice and maybe it would start feeling like we were a couple again.
I wiped my eyes and went to the closet, dropping my bag into its place in the corner of my side. I went into the bathroom and began to draw a hot bath with a healthy scoop of lavender epsom salt.
I sank into the hot water carefully and sighed as I laid my head against the pillow, completely encased in the water.
I stared up at the ceiling and sighed. 
What was I supposed to do? Was there anything I could do to save the relationship?
It was just a rough patch. All couples go through rough patches. I did love him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn’t want to just throw it away without trying.
The next morning as we were rushing to get out the door to meet with Jimin and the others he had picked up, I remembered at the last moment that I had forgotten my wallet inside my purse. When I grabbed it and yanked it free from my bag, a sloppily folded piece of paper fell to my feet.
What was this?
I crouched down and picked it up, tipping my head as I unfolded it, thinking it was a receipt.
Hello darling,
The words met me in a neat hand.
I drew a deep breath and glanced over my shoulder. It wasn’t Yongbok’s handwriting. Even when he did his best handwriting, this was remarkably different.
I continued to read it, grateful for the brevity of it.
I know I shouldn’t be writing this to you, but I feel that if I don’t do something to give me freedom from you, I’ll go mad. So, here’s the truth: I’ve liked you for a long time and wish you all the happiness and love in your life. You deserve the best life and to be treated like a queen. You inspire me to be a better man and I thank you for that. Although I don’t think you’ll ever know who I am, I am grateful to have you in my life.
My mind raced and my heart thundered.
Someone had… what? A crush? On me?
Who could this be? Why did they choose now to tell me? When had they put this in my bag? Had it been there for long and I just hadn’t noticed it?
No. It had to have been from last night since it was on top of my wallet.
I blinked several times as Yongbok called for me.
Someone from last night had a crush on me. One of my friends felt something for me.
Had they sensed things hadn’t been well between Yongbok and I and was aligning himself up to be my next beau?
Who was it?
I was going to end it there and wish you all the best, but my soul won’t let me sleep without saying the deepest secret I have. I know you’re taken and I am sorry to drop this in your lap now, but please forgive a poor, heartsick man because I do wish you were mine. Will I give this to you? I know I shouldn’t, but the thought that maybe, just maybe, one day it could happen, is to strong to resist. We’ll see what happens, I guess. But, for now, I am happy to have you as a friend. Take care. Eat well. Sleep well. Study well. You are loved.
It ended there without any mark of the sender.
I swallowed hard and felt my eyes prick with warm tears. I trembled as I brushed them away and stuffed the letter into my everyday bag.
I should have thrown it away. I should have been loyal to Yongbok, especially if I wanted to keep our relationship alive.
Why did I keep it?
I brushed past Yongbok, staring at his thin, well-shaped jawline and cool eyes and went out to Jimin’s car that was idling by the curb.
I looked up at the fluffy white clouds in the brilliant blue sky. 
Someone who loved me was looking at those same clouds.
What a strange and wonderful thought.
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