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#jaskier pankratz
eskelhashugetitties · 9 months
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Girlfriend say something normal about Joey Batey challenge (failed)
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elythegardeningbard · 2 months
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The Asskier Chair
For those who don't know me well here, I moved in last year in my new home with my two children. I had been living with my parents since the beginning of the divorce proceedings so of course, when I moved in, I had basically nothing.
My parents offered to look around a few places, thrift stores and such, to help me fill up the place and this is the phone call I received from my mother (translated from French):
Mom :"I found you a chair"
"Okay"
Mom : "It's 80$. But you need it"
"I don't see how I would need an $ 80 chair..."
Mom: "You don't understand. There's a bard on it"
"A bard..? On the chair"
Mom: "Well exactly, on it yes. Actually... You sit on his face"
"..." Confused
So she sends me the following pictures
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And of course I bought the Chair and of course, Twitter decided via poll that it would be names Asskier
Apparently, my dad was not impressed and he told my mom I wouldn't want it because we sat on his face.
Mom "Pretty sure it's the main reason Elias will want it. It's pretty gay"
Here's a more current picture of Asskier, living its best chair life in my living room
Near My lute and the Fireplace
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katherines · 10 months
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S1E06 ‘Rare Species’ | Season 3 
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finleycannotdraw · 2 years
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this post from @0dde11eth inspired me lmao
go through the notes on that post to find some of the continued inspiration :)
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tl;dr sleep-cuddly geralt is a headcanon you can pry from my cold dead hands!
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Jaskier: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?
Geralt: AS ENEMIES?!
Jaskier:
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herbatahleb · 2 years
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thinking that Geralt's eyes are like a cat's and-
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arcaneviolence · 13 days
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Burn care
deleted scene from s2 real not fake
if you see this twice thats cause I'm silly and accidentally deleted it wopsie
comms are open tee hee
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younger queer ppl will be like "i kin him <3" and he's a 40+ year old fruity man with So Much Trauma
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Geralt: "I'm just going to aggressively ignore that part of my life until it goes away."
Jaskier: *follows Geralt around like a lost puppy* "That's definitely not going to work."
After the mountain
Jaskier: "I'm just going to aggressively ignore that part of my life until it goes away."
Geralt: *follows Jaskier around like a lost puppy* "That's definitely not going to work."
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Keeping You Warm
Pairing: Jaskier x reader
Summary: Sad bard turns up soaking on reader's doorstep during a storm, so they offer to give him a bath to warm him up. Comfort and cute bath fluff ensues
Warnings: fluff, fluff, fluff! Nothing explicit but it does get a bit steamy... Maybe a little angst but not really.
Words: 2159
A/N: I wrote this ages ago but forgot to post it. Hope you enjoy!
He was the last person you'd expected to see tonight, especially not looking like this. Dripping wet, brown fringe plastered onto his delicate face, soft blue eyes staring sadly down at you. He shivered, numb fingers trying in vain to hold his soaked doublet closed across his chest, which was heaving with ragged breaths of exhaled steam.
Behind him, rain mercilessly tore up the muddy ground, the light from the lantern by the front door casting odd shadows on the shimmering ground.
A puddle formed on your doorstep as you stared in disbelief at your old friend.
"Jaskier? What are you doing here?"
He attempted a smile, opening his mouth to respond, but was suddenly overtaken by a coughing fit, doubling over. You rushed forward, reaching for his shoulder and guiding him inside, pulling the door shut behind you.
"S-sorry..." he muttered shakily. He managed a smile as his eyes met yours. "It's good to see you."
You beamed back at him.
"It's good to see you too, Jask." You threw your arms around him, squeezing him tightly as he wrapped his own arms around you, firm hands pressing into your back. You relaxed in his embrace, smiling into his shoulder. He really was soaked, and the brush of his fingers through your shirt felt like ice. You finally pulled back.
"What the hell were you thinking, being out in that storm? You could have frozen to death!"
"Yeah, I know. I just... Needed to see you. And my weather forecasting skills are unfortunately lacking."
You sighed. "Well, at least you're here now. Come on, let's get you warmed up."
You pressed a kiss to his cheek, the warm touch of your lips making him blush slightly, obvious against his cold, paled skin, and led him by the hand towards your crackling fireplace.
"We'll get you out of those wet clothes, and then run you a bath," you said, looking him up and down to determine which of your garments would best fit him.
"So keen to get me undressed?" he smirked. You punched his arm.
"Don't flatter yourself," you winked.
"You'll freeze to death if you stay in those soaked clothes."
You turned to leave the room, but Jaskier quickly reached out and took your hand in his own, pulling you back and staring deep into your eyes.
"Thank you," he said, rubbing his thumb absentmindedly against your fingers, traces of playfulness wiped from his face, replaced with a genuine appreciation for your actions.
You swallowed.
"You're welcome, dear heart," you whispered.
***
You returned with a blanket just as Jaskier was pulling off his shirt. His doublet was neatly folded over the back of a chair by the fire, and his boots lay discarded on the floor. You approached the shirtless bard, eyeing his exposed form. He was still quite skinny and slender, skin soft and chest covered in a thick coat of dark hair, but he appeared fitter now, more muscular.
"Here. Wear this until the bath is ready," you smiled encouragingly, moving towards him with the large blanket outstretched and indicating a chair nearby. He sat, and you leaned in to wrap the blanket around his still shivering form, feeling his warm breath on your face as you pulled it over his bare shoulders. He wriggled cutely in the chair, getting comfy, his movements prompting you to giggle.
"What is it?" he asked, oblivious to the effect he had on you. In response you simply leaned closer to him, resting your forehead against his. You both closed your eyes, and he sighed at your touch.
"I've missed you so much, Jask," you whispered, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek.
"I didn't realise how much I needed you in my life until you left," you admitted.
"Don't worry, love. I'm not going anywhere," he said, voice a low rumble. You made the mistake of opening your eyes, and were met with an intense electric blue gaze, which was locked on your own. Your eyes flicked down to his party open lips, tantalisingly close, and suddenly you kissed him, quickly, strongly and filled with longing.
Then you came to your senses - you'd just kissed your best friend. The two of you had always been close, but this was something different.
"Oh. Oh god, Jaskier, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I-"
He silenced you with a passionate kiss of his own, letting the blanket fall away as he pulled you closer with an arm around your waist and a hand on the back of your head. He moaned into your lips, eventually pulling away.
"You've got no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he smiled, brushing his fingers along your cheek.
"Me too," you whispered, pulling him closer, warm lips back on your own.
***
Jaskier sank beneath the steaming water, groaning with relief as the weight was taken off his aching muscles. He sank down lower beneath the bubbles, closing his eyes and sighing.
"Just how long were you riding to get here, Jask?" you asked, turned away from him as you gathered a collection of soaps and scents from around the room.
"Oh, I don't know. A week? Two weeks? Don't worry about it."
You spun around, brow creased with concern.
"Don't worry? You were alone, without protection, on the road for two weeks. For what? To see me? I'm not worth the risk, Jask. You should have waited for Geralt."
"He was... busy, and like I said, I needed to see you - and you are absolutely worth the risk, dear heart." He did his best to look sweet, pouting and staring right at you with his intoxicating blue eyes. It worked.
You shook your head, unable to mask your smile as you moved over to the bath, setting the soaps down on a nearby table. You smeared shampoo onto your hands and moved closer to the bard.
"What- what are you doing?"
He pulled back as you reached towards him.
"What do you think I'm doing? I'm washing your hair."
He glanced uncertainly at you, swallowing nervously.
"It's alright, really. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Just go take care of yourself. Besides, the greasy look rather suits me, don't you thi-"
You swiftly leaned in, kissing him gently.
"I knew that would shut you up," you smirked. "Now, please," you whispered, "let me look after you for once."
He nodded slowly, and you kissed him again, before pulling away to sit on a stool positioned behind him. He gratefully sank back against the edge of the bath as you buried your hands in his soft brown hair, massaging in the soap. Jaskier hummed in satisfaction as you rubbed your hands against his scalp, forming a foamy layer over his hair.
He began to sing softly, occasionally sighing deeply as you passed your fingers through his hair. You poured warm water over his head to rinse the soap through.
"How does that feel, love?"
"It's wonderful. Thank you." he reached behind him to grab your wrist, pulling it around and placing a soft kiss on your hand.
You wrapped your other arm around him, one either side of his head, and leaned forward, burying your face in his shoulder from behind as you slid your hands down onto his partially submerged chest.
He hummed as you rubbed his chest, stroking a finger along his collarbone and enjoying the soft hair beneath your fingertips. You began kissing his neck, pressing your lips into the hot, sensitive skin and drawing a series of whimpers and little moans from the bard. He tilted his head, exposing more of his neck as you continued.
"Don't stop," he begged softly as you began to pull away.
"Patience, love." You shuffled your chair around to the side of the tub, before reaching towards Jaskier, turning his head to face yours. He groaned as your lips collided once more. You slid a hand behind his head, pulling him into you, and squeezed his shoulder with the other. His tongue darted greedily into your mouth, and you moaned. When you finally separated, he kept his eyes closed, lips parted, savouring the memory of your touch.
You stroked his face and he smiled, slowly opening his eyes. "We should do that again sometime," he sighed.
"How about now?"
***
Jaskier had finished his bath, which included lots of kissing, and even more touching. Now that your feelings were out in the open, Jaskier couldn't seem to keep his hands off you, rubbing your back, stroking your face, tracing his fingers - or lips - along your arm. You'd insisted on taking care of him, washing him with plenty of soaps and scents, gently massaging the mixtures into his soft skin as he hummed happily, eyes closed. As reluctant as he was to have someone take care of him for a change, he clearly enjoyed it.
Now, you were cuddled up in bed, beneath heaped blankets, bodies pressed tightly together. Jaskier lay almost on top of you, one leg thrown across your thighs, his bare chest pressed against you and his arms wrapped around you in a tight embrace.
He pressed a kiss to your forehead.
"Thank you, love."
"For what?"
He hesitated, pouting, searching for the right words.
"For caring. I don't usually... Well, not many do. Care about me, that is."
You sighed sadly, and kissed him gently.
"You deserve to be cared for, Jask. More than anyone I know. I see the way you spend so long looking after everyone else, making sure everyone's okay, but... no-one ever seems to return the favour."
He looked away, lowering his gaze, but you noticed his cheeks reddening and his eyes sparkling with fresh tears.
"I-" he croaked, unable to find the words. He'd clearly given this quite a bit of thought before you'd brought it up.
"Hey," you whispered, "It's okay."
You reached up to stroke his cheek, before gently turning his head to face you again. You met his deep blue-grey eyes, the flickering light of the fire reflected in them. Gods, were they gorgeous. Intoxicating.
"I love you, Jask."
He managed a smile.
"And I adore you."
His lips met yours again, and he squeezed you tighter, moaning into your mouth. You ran your fingers down his exposed back, making him shudder and increasing the array of sounds coming from his mouth.
When he finally pulled back for air, you took the chance to flip him onto his back, and lay on top of him. You wrapped your legs around his waist, running your hands over his chest as you deepened the kiss, feeling him exploring your mouth with his tongue and humming contentedly.
"So good for me... I don't deserve you..." you muttered praises against his lips.
Jaskier shuffled backwards, sitting up against the headboard as you settled in his lap.
You continued to kiss him, leaning over him to grasp his face in your hands and pressing your lips down into his.
Jaskier broke through the moans escaping both your mouths as he began to sing pieces of his newest song, snatching at the words between ragged breaths and passionate kisses. You laughed against his lips, prompting him to sing more, almost moaning out the words as you tugged playfully at his silky brown hair, twirling it in your fingers. You finally pulled back, and he tried to follow your lips with his own, eyes still closed, outlined with delicate lashes set against flushed red cheeks. You sighed at the sight of him, so desperate for your touch, but stopped him by running your hands down his chest. You pressed a quick kiss to his nose, which he scrunched as your lips made contact.
"You're so beautiful, Jask," you said, gently caressing his face, his features appearing almost elven in their candlelit beauty.
He looked up at you with eyes full of an equal amount of adoration. His gaze managed to make you weak, as always, and you gave into those big blue eyes, returning your lips to their place against his smile.
***
You lay on your back once again, the crackling of the fire and Jaskier's soft breathing creating a beautiful melody in your ears. He lay on top of you, and you could feel the vibrations of his breathing against your chest. You snuggled comfortably beneath his warm, heavy body. His arms were wrapped around you, and the blanket lay strewn across him, leaving the smooth curves of his shoulders and back visible in the dim light. You stroked his hair as he began to fall asleep, utterly exhausted, but stubbornly continuing to sing under his breath, despite being so tired.
Managing to place a soft kiss on your lips as he was drifting off, he breathed a soft "thank you, my love," against your skin, before relaxing in your arms and settling into a deep, contented sleep.
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jaskierskisses · 21 days
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Written for the @ficwip drabbles prompt
Fandom: The Witcher
Ship: Jaskier/Geralt
Title: Jealousy
Prompt: You call this a sword?
Jaskier was missed again. They had arrived two days ago to a village full of life and places to explore, but losing Jaskier for the third time was enough of a record.
“You call that a sword?” Geralt heard Jaskier’s voice coming from inside of a rainbow colored tent. The Witcher stopped and pressed his ear against it. “It's not that big!” the bard exclaimed and Geralt slammed the door open and glared at Jaskier. But his mood of serial killer vanished at the sight of a sword shop and the old seller.
“Great! Now my surprise gift is ruined!” Jaskier said as he crossed his arms dramatically.
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eskelhashugetitties · 9 months
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the witcher Netflix may not be great but at least it introduced my girlfriend to Joey Batey, whom she is incredibly, ridiculously horny for.
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elythegardeningbard · 3 months
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Jaskier At Kaer Morhen ~
Missing Season 1 wardrobe
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jaskierswolf · 1 year
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how about geralt growing his beard out (witcher 3 style) and jaskier just have to drag his fingers through it, just have to play with it? just happy feels and maybe a smooch <3<3<3
Under Their Fingertips
Ship: Geralt/Jaskier Rating: T Summary: Geralt finds Jaskier whilst they are camping alone, and his new look knocks down some of Jaskier's walls.
On AO3
_
Jaskier grumbled as they trudged through the mud. The trek from Oxenfurt had been a long one. With spring came the thaw, and all the snow of the ground had melted, flooding the paths and turning them into rivers. Their breeches were thick with dirt, splatters staining the once fine silk. It was days like this why they wondered why they even became a bard in the first place. Jaskier sighed, their fingers dancing on their lute case strap. Really they hadn't had a choice. The music had chosen Jaskier more than they had chosen it. From the very first time that they'd seen a troubadour in the square, Jaskier had been hooked.
Still, they could have done without the wanderlust. Settling down in a royal court would have been rather lovely. There would have been less mud for one.
But there would have been less Geralt too.
Jaskier wasn't sure whether they'd be able to give the witcher up now that they'd met him. The unrequited love and the pining was less than ideal, but Jaskier could settle happily for being Geralt's friend. They had been friends for nearly a decade after all. Jaskier was well practised at hiding their feelings.
After slipping into another giant puddle, Jaskier cursed and decided they were done travelling for the day. Camping wasn't what they'd had in mind, but by the gods, they weren't spending another minute on the path. If you could even call it a path. Maybe it was finally time that they invested in a horse. Geralt always complained that Jaskier slowed him down, and it would be nice to get out of the dirt. They would think about it when they reached the next town. It was too late now.
It didn't take them long to set up camp. Jaskier had learned enough over the years and was perfectly capable of travelling alone these days. It was safer with Geralt, but they could manage. The fire burned brightly, keeping them warm and the animals at bay, and soon a rabbit was roasting over the flames. Jaskier sighed as they pulled their lute from the case, their tongue slipping between their lips as they twisted the pegs until they were satisfied with the tuning.
And then they began to play.
There were no lyrics, not yet. It was a work in progress. A rough draft. Jaskier wasn't even sure what story they wanted to tell. The melody had just been haunting them. Golden eyes. A faint smile. Hair like moonlight. All of that went into their music, again and again and again. Jaskier wondered whether Geralt ever truly realised how much he inspired Jaskier beyond the tales of their adventures.
Did the witcher know about their love?
By the time the sun had set, Jaskier's fingers were sore and their belly was full. They were exhausted and ready to crash out for the night. But fate had other ideas.
"Jaskier?" A voice called from the shadows. At once, Jaskier's dagger was in their hand as they startled awake, nearly falling off the log they were perched on.
"I- what?" They stammered until their brain clicked back into gear. It was a familiar voice. A well-loved voice. "Geralt?"
"At ease, bard," the witcher called, chuckling as he appeared at the edges of the camp.
And oh Melitele, Jaskier was done for. In the time they'd been apart, Geralt had grown a beard. It wasn't something Jaskier had known they were into... but apparently they absolutely definitely were. 
"I-You... fuck..." Jaskier muttered, their face burning hot. "Beard?" 
Wow, Jaskier, they thought. Real eloquent there.
Geralt shrugged. "Just trying it out."
 "It- It looks good. Great. Ho-" Jaskier felt their eyes widen as they, the master wordsmith, tried to find a different word to cover up their mistake. "Hot."
 Damn it. 
Raising an eyebrow, Geralt smirked as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"Can I touch it?" The question slipped out before Jaskier realised what they were saying.
Apparently they were cursed today.
Geralt cocked his head, and then silently set aside his swords and his armour. The suspense was killing Jaskier. They knew Geralt had heard their question, and yet the damned witcher seemed content to let them suffer in pure agony whilst he made himself comfortable in the camp that Jaskier had made. But eventually, those gorgeous honey eyes landed on Jaskier, shining in the firelight, and Geralt nodded. 
Nervously, Jaskier let their tongue brush along their lips and they worried at the chapped skin. Nimble fingers shook by their side as they approached their friend, their crush, their witcher. They knelt in front of Geralt, unusually silent. It felt as if the air had been torn from their lungs and they couldn't speak. There were no words to be said. As Jaskier took a long and heavy breath, they lifted their fingers to Geralt's cheeks, gently brushing their fingertips through the surprisingly soft bristles. 
"Suits you," Jaskier murmured, afraid that their words might break whatever moment was building between them. 
"Thanks," Geralt grunted, all gruff and sexy and urgh. It wasn't fair.
Not daring to meet Geralt's eyes, Jaskier let their fingers wander. They traced the shape of Geralt's jaw, strong and square and handsome, then they brushed over his nose, crooked, a scar cutting into the pale flesh. The witcher's breaths were steady, and Jaskier could feel his eyes staring back at them. Jaskier felt like they were burning under the heat of Geralt's gaze, but still they didn't meet his eyes. Instead, holding their breath, Jaskier's fingers ran tentatively over Geralt's lips. They parted under their touch and Jaskier could feel the soft warm breath against their skin.
"Can- can I kiss you?" Jaskier breathed, barely above a whisper.
"Yeah," Geralt replied, sounding just as affected as Jaskier felt.
 And then their lips met, chapped and cold and chaste. It was barely a kiss. Just a press of two lips in the dark, testing, teasing, tempting. A promise of more. The beginnings of a new song, a new chapter, a new adventure. Jaskier felt like their heart was singing, and they flung their arms around Geralt's shoulders, burying their face in the crook of his neck to hide their tears.
"I've missed you, dear heart," they whispered in the quiet stillness of the night. 
Geralt's arms wrapped around them, tight and warm, holding them close. "I've missed you too, Julek."
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finleycannotdraw · 2 years
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cutesy little sketch while I put off working on homework and an angsty painting
anyway I just think they deserve to be soft
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Ciri: Do dragons fart fire?
Jaskier: I don't know.
Ciri: I thought you went to college
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