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tom-whore-dleston · 11 months

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(moodboard or fic or whatever you’re feeling up to bby)

i crave seeing this man be put in situations you wouldn’t automatically think to put him in, so give me frat boy!adam warlock who only joined because his parents made him, ya know legacy and all that + the philosophy student who is the opposite of someone you’d ever see at a frat but gets roped into helping him pass a class!

Creations: select a hottie + scenario/AU/trope/prompt** and I will a playlist/moodboard/fic (please specify the creation you are requesting)

join the celebration!

hjasfghjkdhga now hold on bc fratboy!Adam sounds so hot I'd drop the last bit of my morals for 24 hours with him 😩 I have a million headcanons running thru my mind rn so we'll start off with some light appetizers 😜 sorry this took a million years to write and that its so frickin long 😭

First and foremost, Adam wears crop tops and short shorts unironically and he fuckin ROCKS them! All the other frat boys don't look as good as him

He also wears gold chains bc why tf not

His parents met in the partnering fraternity and sorority that did charities and events. They then got married and had Adam straight out of college. Since the birth of Adam, his parents had it set in stone that he would work hard to attend the same university and join the same fraternity as his father.

As an underclassman, Adam genuinely enjoyed the frat life. His parents were proud of him. He was dating Gamora, the most popular girl in the sorority and of course another legacy. He was basically set to become president of the fraternity by his senior year.

At the beginning of his junior year, his whole world flipped upside down. His father died suddenly, and Ayesha was having a hard time grieving. On top of that, Gamora left Adam for Peter Quill, current president and Adam's arch nemesis.

All this caused Adam's straight A's turn to straight D's. With Quill as president, he threatened to kick Adam out the fraternity if he didn't bring his grades up.

And this is where you come in.

You are the top student in yours and Adam's philosophy class. It kinda helps that you are a philosophy major and always leading discussions during lectures. All your classmates were annoyed of you talking the professor's ears off, except for Adam. Without anyone's knowledge, he would jot down your talking points in case they would be useful in the future.

After the second exam of the semester, he finally approaches you after class, asking you to tutor him. Without hesitation, you agree, mainly because you have always seen him in your classes and found him attractive.

During your study sessions, you both got to know one another, realizing you have more in common with each other than Adam did with Gamora. He eventually confesses to you that he didn't care all that much about the frat life and he willingly agreed to rush because of his parents. You reveal to him that your parents practically disowned you after going to a college away from home and majoring in anything outside of law or medicine. You and Adam almost shared a kiss that night. That was until your best friend and Gamora's step sister, Nebula, came home from work.

Adam invites you to one of his frat parties where you're stuck to his hip the whole time. A drunk Quill encounters Adam, constantly harassing you throughout the night. Fed up with Quill's antics, Adam and you finally leave.

That was until Quill said, "Once you get tired of Adam's dumbass, you know where to find me. It won't be the first time a girl realized I'm ten times the man Adam Warlock will ever be."

Adam was ready to beat his ass, but you pushed him to the side, strutting towards Quill and back-handed slapped him across the face, sending him to the floor. You stoop down to Quill's level, muttering through gritted teeth, "You're right. Adam will never be you because he isn't some scumbag like you." Then, you took someone's cup of beer and poured it all over Quill before leaving with Adam.

As Adam was dropping you off at your apartment, he pulled you into a heated kiss and thanked you for standing up for him. When you shut the door behind you, you did a happy dance which Nebula caught you in the middle of. This, then led to you both staying up the rest of the night to spill the details of the party until you and Adam kissed.

Next week in class, Adam surprised you with your usual coffee order from the cafe on campus. On the coffee cup, there was a message that wrote:

"Dinner and movie at 7? I could use a study break :)"

Your face was warm from smiling so hard. You couldn't wait to finally go on a real date with Adam and neither could he.

Adam showed up to your apartment with a bouquet of flowers. You had to do a double take because it was the first time you haven't seen Adam wearing shorts and a crop top. He wore a buttoned shirt with jeans and his hair was neatly combed back.

"What happened? Did you run out of shirts that show off your abs?" You joked, leading to Adam picking you up and spinning you in the air before kissing you sweetly.

"Gotta look nice for my girl, you know."

You raise an eyebrow, taking the bouquet from him. "Your girl?" You curled your lips inward to hide the goofy smile on your face.

"Is it okay if I call you that?"

"Only if it's okay for me to call you my boy."

The date proceeds and it consists of a lot of hand holding, kissing, and you laying your head on Adam's shoulder. At the end of the date, it was obvious neither of you wanted it to end. While making out in his car, Adam reached for the bottom of your shirt, trying to pull it over your head until you stopped him.

Adam's face was full of concern. "I'm sorry, I should have asked if you were okay with this. I don't want you to think-"

You interrupted him by pressing your lips to his. "Don't worry, Adam. You didn't do anything wrong." You looked over at the window of your apartment, realizing no light came from inside. "Do you want to come inside? Nebula is most likely out for the rest of the night."

With that, Adam followed you into your apartment. You two barely made it into the bedroom before your hands and lips were all over one another. You fucked on the sofa before moving to the bedroom to cuddle.

As you were dozing off, Adam whispered, "I think I'm gonna quit the frat."

Now you were wide awake. "Why? I thought you loved it."

"For a while I did. I felt like I had to care for my parents. Now that we are halfway through junior year, none of that matters anymore." Adam paused to move your hair out of your face. "Besides, I'm thinking about applying to work at the cafe. My girl deserves all the free coffee I can make her for the rest of our college years."

"You are the sweetest." You kissed Adam on his forehead. "Whatever you want to do, I'll support you along the way."

#1.2k celebration🌱#creations 🪴#inklore #jordan loves laur #inklaur #college au #adam warlock #will poulter #gotg vol 3 #adam warlock x reader #adam warlock x you #adam warlock headcanons #adam warlock fic #adam warlock imagine

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allthingsfangirl101 · 1 year

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Frumpy First Date–Joe Keery

I walked onto set, busy looking at my phone. I gasped when I bumped into someone. I looked up to see a laughing Joe.

"Careful," he teased. "Walking while texting is awfully dangerous."

"I'm a talented girl," I winked. My face didn't burn until I walked away.

Joe and I have had a kinda awkward back-and-forth. It was randomly flirtatious. The first time I met him was at our table reading. Ryan Reynolds introduced us as best friends that were secretly in love. Instead of being awkward or uncomfortable about it, Joe and I laughed it off. We made jokes constantly about it. That led to more jokes and eventually to us flirting back and forth.

We've been filming for about two months now and mine and Joe's relationship got stronger. It got to the point where the flirting wasn't a joke anymore. It actually stopped being a joke after our first week of filming.

After going back to my trailer and changing, I walked into the costume trailer and dropped off the costume I wore today. The door opened just as I was finishing putting things away.

"These give me a headache," Joe sighed as he took off his prop glasses and tossed them onto the counter next to me.

"They make you look cute," I blurted out. My eyes widened. I snapped my mouth shut and looked up at Joe's face. He was smiling softly at me. I opened and closed my mouth, struggling to take it back.

"I'm glad you think that," Joe said, not an ounce of teasing in his voice, "because I wear glasses in real life."

"I've never seen you in them," I mumbled, still embarrassed by the last time I spoke.

"I wear my contacts while filming," Joe shrugged. "I usually take them out as soon as I get home."

"I didn't know that," I said, barely audible.

"I know," he chuckled. "I'm still a work-in-progress. Unlike you."

"Unlike me?"

"You always looked drop-dead beautiful," he smirked. My face started burning all over again.

"Not always," I said, trying to return my face to its normal color.

"Yeah right," he scoffed.

"I'm not!" I giggled. "As soon as I get home, I change into a pair of spanks and an oversized shirt. Then I pull my hair up into a messy bun at the top of my head. I look like a homeless gremlin."

"Shut up," Joe laughed.

"It's true! I only dress nicely when there's a risk of paparazzi finding me. If not, I'm frumpy."

"You're not going to convince me," he smirked. "You could never be frumpy, Y/N. Not even if you tried."

I just rolled my eyes and started walking out of the costume trailer. My heart slightly sank as I headed to my trailer. I walked inside and sat on the couch. As much as I loved these flirtatious exchanges with Joe, they still broke my heart.

Joe Keery would never go for me.

I jumped when someone knocked on my trailer. I looked up right as Joe walked in.

"I had an idea," he started but stopped when he saw me. "You okay?"

My heart clenched as Joe instantly moved to my side. He sat down and moved like he was going to grab my hand but didn't.

"I'm fine," I said, clearing my throat. "What was your idea?"

"Do you have any plans tonight?" He asked, still not fully believing that I was fine.

"No," I shrugged. "Not really. Why?"

"Let's go on a date," he said, sounding fairly confident and calm.

"What?" I stuttered.

"But not a normal date," he continued. "Let's do a frumpy date."

"Frumpy?"

"Yeah," he laughed. "Usually, when people go on dates, they try extra hard to look nice. Let's do the opposite."

"Meaning we try easily to look frumpy?"

"Exactly!"

I looked away, unable to hide my insecurities. "Hey," he whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut when Joe reached over and grabbed my hand. "What's wrong?"

I opened my mouth to say I was fine, but Joe continued, "And don't say you're fine. I know you better than you think I do, Y/N. Talk to me."

I looked down and saw Joe's hand gently holding mine. He gave me a reassuring squeeze, trying to get me to open up.

"Why me?" I mumbled.

"What?" Joe stuttered. He started to say more but I cut him off.

"Why do you want to be with me? I'm a nobody, Joe. Everyone knows you. Nobody knows me."

"I know you," Joe whispered, scooting closer to me. "And that's all that matters, Y/N. Fame and popularity mean nothing to me. What does mean something is how I connect to that person. And I'd say we connect pretty well."

I turned to him to object, to tell him that all I would do would destroy his career and his reputation. Before I could get a word out, Joe leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He didn't push things. He didn't try and speed things up. Joe was simply showing me how he felt.

He broke the kiss before I could show him how I felt. He looked into my eyes and I could tell he was holding his breath, waiting for my response.

"You still want to go on that frumpy first date?" I asked, my voice soft.

"It'd be a first date for the history books," Joe smirked.

* * * * *

Even though we agreed it was a "frumpy" date and we wouldn't worry about how we looked, I worried. A lot.

I know we agreed to it, but I couldn't help but worry that he might not like that his idea was to have a frumpy first date. I looked at my reflection, overanalyzing everything about my outfit.

I was wearing my usual pair of after-work spanks and one of my oversized flannels. Usually, when I wore this outfit, I wore a sports bra underneath and left my flannel open. Not tonight. Tonight, my flannel was buttoned up.

"You went back on our deal," Joe said the second I opened the door.

"What do you mean?" I panicked. I gasped when Joe pulled grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest.

"You look way too beautiful to be considered 'frumpy'," he teased.

This time, I was the one to initiate the kiss. I stood on my toes and pressed my lips to his. He didn't hesitate to kiss me unlike I had for our first kiss. Joe wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Our lips moved hungrily in sync, neither one of us holding back anymore.

We broke apart when someone cleared their throat. I looked over my shoulder to see the pizza guy awkwardly standing there.

"Sorry to interrupt," he said, clearing his throat. "But I got your pizza."

"Thank you," I said, pulling out of Joe's embrace.

I grabbed the tip I set out after I ordered off the table and handed it to him. He nodded as he took it and quickly left. The second he got in his car, Joe and I broke. We laughed as we walked into my place.

Joe and I spent the night eating pizza and watching a movie. We weren't really paying attention to it. We started to but eventually turned our attention to each other. We talked over the movie, catching each other up on our lives. Soon, we moved on.

He pulled me onto his lap, his hands massaging my hips as our lips moved in sync. He started unbuttoning my flannel as I rocked my hips against his. Once it was open, he laid us down.

"Joe," I gasped, breaking the kiss.

"I'm sorry," he started to stutter. "I shouldn't have jumped you like that. I wasn't trying to force myself on you, Y/N. I just. . . I couldn't stop myself. I've been into you from the first moment that Ryan introduced us."

"Joe," I gently interrupted him. "I wasn't stopping you because I didn't want to continue."

"Oh?"

"I was stopping to say something."

"What were you wanting to say?" Joe asked, slightly shifting his weight to the side.

"My bed is more comfortable than the couch," I said under my breath. "And not as itchy."

#joe keery #joe keery imagines #joe keery x reader #joe keery POV

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nitewrighter · 1 year

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Edible Flowers and Heartbreakers

Here is the BapWeaver date fic! Because I said I'd do it!!

-----

Baptiste looked up at the strangely fluid serif-font of La Brasserie Brassique's sign, then squinted through the restaurant's window, trying to get a better look at what everyone inside was wearing. It was one of those restaurants that had that carefully calculated rusticity and coziness, that was undercut by a waitstaff that moved with the clipped, furious discipline, grace, and speed that suggested a highly professionally competitive atmosphere.

Baptiste internally debated whether or not to keep his tie on for the next two minutes. 'Brasserie' suggested a casual dining experience, but then again all the terrifyingly fancy and avant-garde restaurants were always naming themselves ridiculously vague and minimalist names like 'The place' or '12' or 'Salt' or stuff like that.

"You made it!" a buoyant, almost sing-songy voice behind Baptiste caused him to flinch to attention. He pivoted on his heel to see Niran.

Baptiste wasn't sure why he thought Niran would be any smaller without those big biolight petals constantly flanking him, the botanist architech still towered over him. He wondered if Vishkar forced its architechs to go through leg-lengthening surgeries to meet their high aesthetic standards—couldn't be any more invasive than taking one of their arms, right? Niran was dressed in his usual modified pha chung hang, but had swapped out his ivory-colored plunging neckline wrapped top for a less daring light blue tunic with delicate blooming trees embroidered in gold. The neural implants at the corners of his forehead were obscured by a more relaxed hairstyle, and a pale silken braid hung over one shoulder, tied off with a gold ribbon. A smile tugged at the corner of Baptiste's mouth as he wondered if this was Niran's attempt to appear more casual.

"Er--yeah, wasn't too hard to find," said Baptiste, adjusting his tie. Together, they both headed inside.

The interior of the restaurant was like a dark jewel in the evening light. The lights had turned on, but a little bit of twilight light made the multiple monstera and spider plant pots hanging above appear almost black. Their greenness was only barely maintained maintained by violet and warm yellow accent lights posted at strategic parts around the restaurant.

"Niran!" the hostess lit up from her little tablet pedestal and clasped her hands together, "You came!" Her eyes flicked over to Baptiste, "And... you brought someone!" The hesitance in her voice at this addition made Baptiste give Niran a short side-eye but Niran just beamed with that easy grace. "Tatienne, this is Baptiste. Baptiste, Tatienne."

"Charmed," said Baptiste, trying to match Niran's ease in the situation.

"We're here to take you up on that offer?" said Niran.

"R-right," Tatienne pushed a stray bit of hair back, maintaining composure, "This way, please."

Instinct made Baptiste want to request a table at the back, easy to keep an eye on the whole restaurant, constant eye on the entrance (and exit) and kitchen doors, but their table was located at a front window corner, cozy, decently lit, and frankly a little exposed for Baptiste's tastes. A mini holo-lantern projecting purple fractals like romanesco broccoli illuminated the center of their table. A waiter came by, set down their water glasses, ran through the usual spiel on the specials that night, and how the kitchen was willing to accommodate any allergies before setting their menus down in front of them and telling them to take their time and enjoy. Baptiste gave a glance over to Tatienne at her little podium and glanced back at Niran.

"...she likes you," Baptiste said, taking his seat.

"Mm?" Niran glanced up from the menu.

"The hostess. Come on, she took one look at me and it broke her heart!" Baptiste snorted.

"Wow," Niran scoff-laughed, "Come on, give her a bit more credit than that!"

"I'm giving you as much credit as necessary," said Baptiste, "So, what's the story?"

"There was a group that was insisting the restaurant needed insurance, and I stepped in on their behalf to say they were perfectly fine."

"So you're saying you fought off a protection racket that was threatening the restaurant."

"No! I mean--!" Niran's fingers curled in with a bit of helpless frustration, "It wasn't so vulgar."

"No, of course not," Baptiste sipped from his water glass, "You hold yourself to a professional standard."

"Anyway she asked if there was anything she could do to repay me and I knew it was notoriously difficult to get a reservation here, so I asked for a table for tonight, and she was all too delighted to elbow out some space for me."

Baptiste raised his eyebrows and pressed his leps together at Niran.

"Look, it's not like she would--" Niran was going on and then seemed to catch himself, clearly running the math of several social cues he may have missed in his recap of the events. "Oh," he said, and then "Oh..." a bit more concerned. He glanced over his shoulder at Tatienne at her little Maitre d' podium and his eyes flicked back to Baptiste.

"Do you think I should say someth--?" He shook his head, "A bit late for it now, isn't it?"

"A bit..." Baptiste conceded, "Heartbreaker."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you like the drama," said Niran, looking back at his menu.

"I like drama I'm not be the center of," Baptiste admitted.

"Are you sure you're not the center of it?" Niran asked coyly.

Baptiste just snorted and picked up his own menu. He scanned for a seafood section, turned the menu over to find only the wine and other drink selection, thought for a moment, and did his best to hide his immediate realization.

Brasserie Brassique. Brassicas. Broccoli. Cabbage. Kale. Duh.

"...Of course it's plant-based," Baptiste chuckled over the menu.

"Is that a problem?" Niran gave a slight eyebrow waggle from behind his own menu.

"Not at all. Don't usually have the option, in my travels," Baptiste shrugged.

"Well, I'm glad your travels could bring you here," Niran said breezily, leaning back in his own seat.

"You make time in all your running from Vishkar to eat at fancy restaurants?" Baptiste, sipped at his water.

"Well.. 'stop and smell the roses' and all that," Niran was scanning his own menu.

"And...not to be crude but you're sure you're okay with treating?"

"Well, if you're sitting on a giant pile of mercenary gold and just happen to go for the cutely scuffed-up improvising globetrotter part, I won't say that's not incredibly attractive in a deeply wrong way," said Niran.

"I... am afraid the 'cutely scuffed up improvising globetrotter' aspect of my appeal is completely genuine," said Baptiste.

"Ah. Yes. Well, Mum sent me her latest, 'You're killing me, you're killing your mother, please don't starve' check, and I'm on good terms with the owners so--!" He gave a theatrical little hand flourish, "My treat."

Baptiste snorted. "Just how far do you plan on getting by on charm and people worrying about you alone?"

"It's gotten me pretty far as far as I can tell," Niran shrugged.

There was a shy little throat clearing next to them and they both glanced up to see the waiter with a small tablet.

"Are you ready to order?" asked the waiter.

"I'll have the radish cakes and endive," Niran handed his menu off to the waiter.

"And I'd like the portobello steak, please," said Baptiste, handing his menu off as well.

"Anything to drink?" the waiter asked.

Baptiste hesitated and wished he had taken a closer look at the cocktails menu, but Niran said, "We'd like the 2074 Côte du Rhone Guillard Collines Rosé--and if we could get both an ice bucket and a decanter that would be wonderful."

"I'll... see what we can do," said the waiter.

Niran immediately picked up on the curious way Baptiste was looking at him and explained, "There's a very specific equilibrium for that year and region. It's battery acid, otherwise."

"...right," said Baptiste.

"Trust me," said Niran.

"I do," said Baptiste.

Niran fidgeted with the end of his braid as a pause passed between them.

"So..." Baptiste started, "You've been traveling alone for a while, then?"

"Well... like I said earlier, you can get surprisingly far on charm and worry."

"What are your plans for taking on Vishkar?" Baptiste leaned back in his seat.

'To be honest, I thought more people would be turning on them at this point..." Niran murmured.

"2074 Côte du Rhone?" the waiter returned with the wine bottle in an ice bucket and stand in one arm and a decanter in the opposite hand. He looked a bit harried, like it had taken some negotiation to get both.

"Oh--lovely, thank you," said Niran as he set both down, "I can take it from here."

Niran was rapidly spiraling the wine around in the decanter when Baptiste spoke up again.

"I'm just asking because, it turns out the crew I'm running with is actively working against Vishkar," said Baptiste, watching Niran pour the swirled wine into glasses, "The approach isn't as organized as we'd like, but we'd be very interested in having more people with inside information with regards to combating them."

"Goodness," Niran tucked a stray bit of hair away from his temple, setting the decanter down, "And here I thought 'invite them to join your group of vigilantes' was reserved for the third date." He held a wine glass out to Baptiste.

"You like doing things your own way, I can respect that," Baptiste sniffed at his wine, "But there is safety in numbers, and I think we could use more people like you."

"'Like me' how?"

"Builders. Scientists--"

"Healers?" Niran arched an eyebrow.

"Yes," Baptiste said a bit sheepishly.

"To builders, scientists, and healers then," Niran raised his glass.

"Builders, scientists, and healers," Baptiste clinked his glass against Niran's. They both sipped the wine. Baptiste had to admit that the seemingly contradictory practice of both chilling and decanting had brought out an unusual balance of both a refreshing and less acidic sip, and opening the palette's attention to the wine's more floral notes.

Of course it has floral notes, he thought, wryly.

"Listen," Niran's expression was apologetic as he set his own wine glass down, "I was happy to help you out for that one mission, but as you've already mentioned, I do like doing things my own way. I also have to admit... I'm not entirely convinced the new Overwatch has learned from the old one's mistakes."

"Such as...?"

"Over-reliance on combat to solve problems?" Niran arched an eyebrow.

"You seem to hold your own in combat pretty well, though."

"It doesn't mean I enjoy it," Niran sipped his wine, "It's like fire, only I can never be sure whether I'm letting something burn itself out, or if it's spreading somewhere I can't see."

Baptiste took his own, small, hard gulp of wine at this.

"Believe me, no one is more aware than me of how few options I have. Vishkar has already done everything in their power to paint me as a thief and charlatan," said Niran. The melody left his voice here, and Baptiste felt a twinge of pain. Niran was an aesthete, that was clear, and the way he laughed things off and insisted he had no shame suggested a surprising resilience, but Baptiste could also sense a soft heart in there as well, someone who only ever wanted to help the world seeing all of their efforts and all the good they had done be drowned out by a cultish corporation trying to save face and push a bottom line, "The world is desperate for heroes, but I don't know if that desperation is enough to make people forget about how Overwatch let them down before."

"You're not wrong there..." Baptiste stroked his chin thoughtfully "I had similar doubts. Vaswani, too.."

Niran visibly perked up. "Come again?"

"Plus, to be fair, she only joined us because Vishkar had painted a target on her back for Talon," Baptiste went on.

"Vaswani as in Satya Vaswani?" Niran was leaning forward.

"And it could be very well that we're pissing off Talon even more by having her here," Baptiste mused.

"Satya Vaswani is in Overwatch."

"She's dug out a niche for herself," Baptiste said vaguely.

Niran's mouth quirked off to one side and his eyes narrowed. "I see what you're doing," he said, leaning back in his seat.

"Mm?" Baptiste was sipping his water.

"I think you should know, if my friends jump off a cliff, I don't jump off right after them," said Niran, raising his chin.

"No, you strike me as the first person jumping off," Baptiste smiled.

Niran gave him a shrewd look, then. Up until now, Niran's glances had had an almost overwhelming warmth to them, but here was the problem solver, here was the evaluator, here was the architech.

"For what it's worth, I'm there, too--- it would be a lot easier to coordinate our next date. That is, unless, your plan is just to run into me by chance, again."

"...or you could join me," Niran mused.

"Now who's moving fast for the first date?"

"Well it seems to me you did pretty well for yourself with the whole 'globetrotting' thing," said Niran, "Maybe you'd be interested in something more... fluid."

"I thought--" Baptiste started but was cut off.

"Portobello and radish cakes?" The waiter had returned with a tray.

"Oh! Beautiful! Thank you," Niran exclaimed as pale radish cakes lazily resting on a bed of vividly purple endive leaves and garnished with nasturtium flowers, with a small hill of forbidden rice itself topped with a violet. Baptiste's own plate was arranged in the kind of typical 'steakhouse' arrangement, with the portobello flanked by a parsnip puree, a small green salad, and a cleverly hollowed out parsnip standing at attention and stuffed with minced maitake in a way reminiscent to the bone marrow in pot-au-feu. Baptiste cut into the portobello and took a bite. He kept his bites and cuts slow. He was used to just kind of stuffing his face to keep himself going, it was a rare treat to eat something that had clearly been so carefully prepared.

"Merci," Baptiste gave a nod to the waiter who briskly headed off. There was a brief minute and a half filled only with the careful muted scrapes of forks on plates and quiet 'Mm's.' Plant based or not, Baptiste hadn't had anything this nice in months, maybe years even. His eyes flicked across the table to Niran who was first trying everything out individually, following bites with wine or clearing his palette with water, then he was experimenting with different combinations of the rice and endive or radish. So much of the time with Overwatch, 'eating' was just jamming in the necessary calories to make it to the next mission. You had chatting and jokes and a certain degree of camaraderie, but the food wasn't nearly this good and most of the time there was a conscious knowledge of this mission or that bit of Watchpoint maintenance and what parts of his equipment needed calibrating before the next mission. He honestly couldn't recall the last time a meal had felt this intimate, had had this kind of emphasis on the sensory.

"You were saying...?" Niran goaded.

"I thought I was," Baptiste conceded, taking another bite, "But... you tend to figure out pretty quickly that the 'one man war' thing is more about you than it is about stopping whatever you're fighting against."

Niran considered this, glancing off and taking another slow sip of his wine. "And I take it you had intel that was valuable to them, as well?"

"I did," Baptiste huffed, "Look, the way I see it is this: When Overwatch was first formed in the Crisis, it was about pooling resources and cleaning up logistics because so much destruction was being done, there was no way for the traditional governmental and military channels to keep up with it and respond to it. All the buzz about 'heroes'--that was propaganda. It was necessary propaganda to keep people from panicking and keeping from further complicating relief efforts. But it was still effective. Hell, it made me want to join, as a kid. But the current Overwatch I think is a lot closer to that initial framework, they just aren't in a position to propagandize themselves, nor do they really want to because—I'm killing the vibe, aren't I?"

"A little," Niran sipped his wine and gave him a catlike smile, "How many people have you hit with the sales pitch?"

"You're the first, actually," Baptiste laughed a bit nervously.

"I'm shocked," said Niran, clearly not shocked.

"For what it's worth I did tell myself I was going to try to relax tonight," he paused, "But... I do also want to see you again, and I would prefer if you did not get murdered by Talon or captured and lobotomized by Vishkar before then, so..."

"You really know how to charm a man, don't you?" said Niran.

"Well I don't see the point in pretending we don't live the lifestyle we do," Baptiste shrugged.

"It's good for getting under their skin," Niran leaned forward, "Nothing drives your enemies crazy like making them believe you don't think about them at all."

"I am not interested in making anyone crazier than they already are," Baptiste chuckled.

"Ooh—Toxic exes?" Niran set his wine glass down on the table.

"It's a bit more complicated than that," Baptiste sipped his own glass.

"Usually that means 'yes,'" Niran gave a slight raise of his eyebrows, "You know, I think I like not being the only heartbreaker on this date."

"You like drama?"

"Only in the nosy, obnoxious sense that most people like their drama. But... I do think you see more of people's true selves when everything's a bit off-kilter."

"Well, if I was still making the sales pitch, this is where I'd say you'd like my team, then."

Niran scoff laughed before pushing his plate forward. "Here, have a bite of this."

"You sure?"

"That's the whole point of ordering different things at a restaurant. Which means I get to take some of yours."

Baptiste snorted. "Fine."

They exchanged bites, Baptiste carefully sectioning off a bit of radish cake and a small amount of the forbidden rice, the now-wilting endive that had lost a bit of its bitterness. It was complex, artful, and well balanced. He honestly preferred his own order since it was a bit more savory, but he could definitely see the appeal. But Niran grunted from the other side of the table.

"Dammit, you win," he muttered.

"It was a competition!?" Baptiste sputtered out a laugh.

"It's always a competition!" He huffed, "I hate the phrase 'portobello steak' it's fungus. Like fungi are miraculous on their own! Why jump through hoops to make them more meat-like!? And I hate that it's good."

"I think they just use the 'steak' phrasing to win the carnivores over," Baptiste snorted. "But I'd say they jumped through the right hoops if I won."

"Well if it won one carnivore over..." Niran smiled.

They ordered dessert, Niran tried to float the idea of lying to the waiter about it being Baptiste's birthday but Baptiste backed down. They talked more. They took turns taking bites from a coconut rice pudding brulée with a passionfruit reduction. Baptiste liked watching the bow of Niran's mouth as he nibbled on the mint leaf garnish. Niran talked about his siblings. His older sister who had more or less cut things off with him with the ultimatum of 'until he got his shit together', his younger brother who he was still in contact with whom he admitted he was probably a bad influence on. Baptiste didn't really have siblings to speak of, but he found himself talking a lot about Rosaline and the clinic.

"...I'd like to see it," Niran said, topping off both their glasses with the last dregs of wine from the decanter.

"What, the clinic? It's... not really impressive."

"It's not about 'impressive.' It means something to you," Niran was flushed at this point, "I always push the artist shit--the individualist shit--because I've disappointed so many people that the only standard I can really hold myself to is my own. But you have people. You have a community...." he stroked a finger along his eyebrow, "God, we're going to get back to the sales pitch, aren't we?"

"I wasn't going to say anything..." Baptiste felt a loose and easy warmth from the wine himself.

"...I just don't want to let more people down," Niran said quietly.

This sobered Baptiste somewhat. "Hey," he said "You... made something brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, there are lot of people who want you dead. And you believe in things--things bigger than what a lot of people want for you. And those two things together... that's lonely."

Niran made a short little "Hm" sound.

"I'm not going to push the sales pitch," Baptiste put both hands up, "But... I am going to say, you should be around people who care as much as you do. If that's not with my team, that's fine. But I do think you should look for it."

"...but your team has Satya," the wine was clearly hitting Niran at this point.

"My team does indeed have Satya," Baptiste confirmed, watching Niran drain the last of his glass. He knocked his own back in solidarity.

"I need to annoy her again," Niran was glancing off.

"Don't worry, I assure you, we all annoy her plenty."

"Well that I just might make time in my busy schedule to see," said Niran, "To make sure you're all doing it right, of course."

"Of course," said Baptiste.

True to his word, Niran covered the bill, but Baptiste insisted on the tip. There was a brief, less-than-sober apology to Tatienne over any misunderstanding considering the dinner, and she was absolutely saintly through it (and likely just desperate to end her shift at that point). Baptiste and Niran walked together through the city streets in a kind of easy silence, both suspended in that moment when the night was still full of promise and just as easily carried the potential for disaster.

We could go dancing, Baptiste wanted to say, And drink more, and maybe there would be some drama with someone else drunk at the club and one of us would end up crying and then neither of us would want to really text the other back after that mess.

We could sneak into a gallery showing, Niran wanted to say, And ask each other which is our favorite, and watch what is basically a weird bloodstained striptease behind a white tarp while someone sobs and rants in Spanish and clap bewilderedly and then steal a whole bottle of champagne, and run off to a park, and watch the sun rise like in that old movie and then become confronted with the horror that is our continued presence in the morning.

But instead they both ambled to the edge of the harbor and looked out, listening to the dark rush of the waves below.

"This is... my pickup point," Baptiste said, as he leaned against the guardrail, "If you want you could stick around, catch a ride, I'm sure Oxton would be happy to drop you off anywhere. Or you could..."

"...Come back to your place?" Niran arched an eyebrow.

"Maybe I could continue the sales pitch," Baptiste shrugged.

"I say this to a lot of salesmen, but I mean it this time: You've given me a lot to think about," said Niran. He paused, "And..." he seemed like he was about to say something more, but he just forced a chuckle. "Yeah. A lot to think about."

The lap of waves was suddenly drowned out by a resonant 'vmmmmm' and both of them looked out over the water to see the Overwatch dropship approaching. Baptiste and Niran looked back at each other.

"Punctual bunch, aren't you?" Niran was smiling, but his brow was crinkled.

"Yeah..." Baptiste's voice trailed away from him and he looked back at Niran. They had to say goodbye now, and despite years of basically earning a blackbelt in avoiding discomfort, he had no idea how to do it.

Hug? Kiss? For the love of god, Baptiste do not shake his hand-- his mind was a fog of indecision but Niran stooped and gently kissed his temple and brushed some fingers behind his ear.

"Don't be a stranger, Augustin, hm?" his fingers trailed down the side of Baptiste's jawline.

"I was about to say the same thing," said Baptiste.

"No you weren't," said Niran.

"Well I am now," said Baptiste.

And with that, he ascended into the dropship.

Niran was just a shrinking little spot of blue and ivory and gold below as the dropship pulled away. Baptiste slumped his head back into the dropship seat with a huff.

"Y'know... if you two wanted to get a hotel, you only needed to send a text--"

"It's not that simple--" Baptiste cut her off but then caught himself. He craned his neck to catch Tracer in the dropship's rearview mirror. "I don't--You didn't let me do this because you wanted to recruit him, right?"

"No!" Tracer said on reflex, "I mean, would we want him on the team? Sure! But... it's about you, Baptiste. I'm just glad you took a whole bloody night for yourself, really!"

There was a pause between them.

"You didn't try to recruit him, did y--?" Tracer started.

"I wasn't thinking about the team! He just seems to be doing this hippie thing and I don't want to worry about him!" Baptiste blurted out.

Tracer snorted. "You're adorable."

Baptiste just scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Oi--what's that on your ear?" Tracer's head swung around from the pilot's seat.

"Eh--?" Baptiste felt at his ear, his fingers touched on a slightly smooth and warm mass, and he pulled away a pale pink orchid of biolight that had been perched upon his ear. He blinked a few times and then flinched as the orchid dissolved into a tesselation of pink-white sparkles.

"Wow..." Tracer said a bit breathlessly, "You realize you can't not call him back now, right?"

"I wasn't going to not call him back!" said Baptiste, frustrated.

"Good to know," said Tracer, settling into the pilot's seat, "Wouldn't want you to be a heartbreaker, would we?"

#bapweaver #jean baptiste augustin #lifeweaver #overwatch #overwatch fanfic

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nonotnolan · 2 years

Text

Fiverr Warlock: Saturdays are for Recovery

“Hey, Gus?“ Waking up with a killer headache was bad enough, but for some reason my roommate was shaking my shoulder. “Gus, wake up. You... uhh, you’re not gonna believe this, buuuut... we’ve swapped bodies.”

I sat upright, trying and failing to rub the sleep out of my eyes. “Dude. Preston. What the fuck? You, of all people, should understand that Saturdays are for recovery. I was up until 4am playing League, and you were out drinking or whatever. Fucking hell, why does my head hurt?”

“Probably because you’re dealing with my hangover,” he said, handing me a glass. “Drink that, it’ll help.” I gratefully downed the entire drink, and handed it back to him. To... me? I looked up at him, only to find that I was looking at my own body. “I wasn’t kidding,” he said, laughing at the look of confusion on my face.

“Why are you so calm?” I yelled, looking down at the chest that was clearly not my own. I found myself grasping at my new face, as if I was going to be able to feel a difference in its shape. I couldn’t get past my sudden lack of facial hair. “How the fuck did this happen?”

Preston just shrugged. “Hell if I know. It’s not like Web MD has a tutorial on this. My best guess is that if we just go about our business like normal, it will reverse itself just as quickly as it happened. I’m just hoping it’ll go away by tomorrow.”

I could scarcely believe what I was hearing. “Tomorrow!? Are you shitting me? You want me to just keep going like nothing is wrong, and maybe it will fix itself? Fuck that! We need to do something! We need to-- I don’t know, research this, or, or... tell someone who can help us, or... I don’t know... but, but something, dammit!”

He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder, “Look, it’s not that I’m somehow okay with this. I don’t want to be stuck in your life just as much as you don’t want to be stuck in mine. But you just woke up-- I’ve already had several hours to come to terms with this. If we try to tell anyone, they’ll just claim that we’re full of shit. I can’t find anything relevant on the internet about this, and frankly, I wouldn’t have trusted it even if I did. And it’s like you said-- Saturdays are for recovery. We don’t have to do anything important today. No one will be any the wiser if we just lay low.”

“But... yeah, alright,” I said. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I had to admit that it made sense. It wasn’t how people handled this sort of thing in the movies, but... well, this was real life. It wasn’t like we’d gotten into a shouting match in a Chinese Restaurant, or whatever. I glanced around Preston’s bedroom, trying to figure out where he kept his clothes. “So, uhhh... I’m pretty fuckin’ hungry. Do think it would be a big deal if I went out to grab food?”

Preston just shrugged his shoulders in response. “Should be fine. I mean, what are the odds that either of us manage to run into someone we know? It’s a big town. Even if we go out in public, I think it will be fine. Honesty hour, I was about to grab McDonalds, maybe go out and see a movie. Do whatever you want today.”

I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes. “Bending the facts to reach the outcome you want? My body must be wearing off on you.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When Preston asked me to use my warlock powers to swap his body with that of his roommate, I was hesitant. Not that I was afraid or unwilling to use my powers, mind you-- it wasn’t all that hard. Most of the difficulty with body swap magic is making things permanent. A 24 hour swap is the sort of thing I’d charge $50, maximum. I just didn’t want to get in the habit of casting spells on my boyfriend. We’ve only been dating for a few months, and I really hate the relationship imbalance that happens when one person is constantly relying on me for spells.

That said, he’s been really good about not begging me for trivial favors, and he really wanted something different for our three month anniversary. We both enjoy a bit of roleplay in the bedroom, so why stop at costumes? Gus’s body was... certainly different. His body is a lot more nerd-punk than I expected, and seeing it makes me wonder how on earth the two of them can stand being around each other.

“What do you think?” he asked, lifting up his shirt. “Pretty good for a computer geek, right?”

He stared at me with the same sort of confident swagger that had enticed me all those weeks ago, confirming without a doubt that this is Preston in Gus’s body, and not just Gus trying to pull a prank. I could feel myself falling for him all over again. “Pretty good, indeed. And here I was wondering if I was going to need to use magic to change this body into something serviceable.”

He placed his other hand at his waistband, and slid his pants down to his knees. “Not in the slightest,” he said, letting Gus’s manhood flop free. Preston laughed at the look of shock on my face as he started to grasp it in both hands. “It’s somewhere around eleven inches when hard,” he said. “Sometimes he’ll leave the shower naked when he thinks I’m still at the gym. I’ve wanted to try it out for myself for so long... and now it’s mine for an entire day.”

He kissed me full on the lips, the stubble of his beard scraping against my skin as his tongue probed my mouth. My brain knew this was Preston, but my senses were convinced that this was some sort of sandalwood-scented stranger. “I can’t wait to show you my appreciation,” he said, whispering into my ear. The heat of his breath caused my hair to stand up on end. Eleven inches of rock-solid cock was going to completely wreck my ass, and I didn’t even care. It’s not like I had any other plans this weekend. Besides, Saturdays are for recovery.

#male body swap #gay body swap #casual body swap #selfish magic #jock to nerd #after the swap #fiverr warlock

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legallybrunettedotcom · 7 months

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Do you have a solution for breaking the cycle of self isolation after you've been made to feel inferior for being a "loser" who hasn't had as many life experiences as you should've at your age? I find it very hard to connect to people my age because im in my 20s and I've never dated. Even if I can get past my own insecurities constantly telling me I'm lesser because practically every single person my age (even the biggest outcasts or people who are less conventionally attractive than me) has been in a relationship and I haven't, people still bring it up and make it clear they find me weird because of it, like you said. I don't wanna be like this my whole life but frankly, its difficult not to choose self isolation when people actively and purposefully make you feel uncomfortable over being a "loser".

i put it under the line because i ended up blabbering too much.

sometimes i break that cycle and then get down a bit and decide to get stuck in it again. i'm the same, i never dated anyone, never kissed anyone and i don't know why. it's not like you can leave the house and yell who wants to fuck and everyone will flock to you. no one ever showed any interest. another thing is i have no friends, like genuinely. i try to hang out with people, but none of them are friends. i'm a proper loser in the eyes of everyone. i don't think there is a solution here that won't include constant heartbreak. it's just a process of endless trial and error until finally something works. or it might not work. like ever. we are both only in our 20s, there is so much ahead of you if you wish there to be. i don't think one should be jumping into the den with lions, but if an opportunity is presented to you, even the smallest one, take it. if you feel afraid or weird about it, learn to recognize that kind of thinking and try to be faster than it and go " ok let's do this, i'm counting 3-2-1 and my final decision is this or that. we're doing this or we're not doing this. end of story. " it's about learning to think less, as stupid as that sounds, but you see around yourself that the happiest people are those who don't think that much, they just do shit. through it you'll accumulate new experiences, new knowledge, new interactions etc. i know it's so easy to get stuck inside your head and only focus on yourself but it's important to practice curiosity, not just in the books, but when it comes to people as well, the person opposite you will always know something you don't.

you mention in the brackets the outcasts and people less conventionally attractive than you. it's the typical thinking of someone who has been insecure their whole life like what do these people have that i don't? envy obviously isn't the healthiest of feelings but it's normal and sometimes it just jumps in front of you before you can be your proper rational self. but i point you right there to those brackets, it seems to me that you do see something positive about yourself. i think all these insecurities that we have are often not genuine but a shield and just this sort of thing of oh let me put myself down first before someone else does. i did that my whole life and i still sometimes slip into it, but then one day i was like wait a second, why am i allowing intimidation? write down your qualities. like don't be humble, try to be as objective as you possibly can be, but also be a bit of a bitch a bit of cunt and write down every positive trait you have. i don't really like this modern self help books sentiment that is just constant repetition of know yourself know yourself you're the center of the universe blah blah it's so selfish and annoying and pathetic, but you do need a starting point, have some fundamental understanding of who you are or at least of who you're not and understanding of everything that you can possibly be and accomplish. if you find security in yourself, everything that you are and your potential to learn so much and be so many things you wish to be, maintaining your openness and curiosity and being less serious about yourself, other people's opinions and these notions of this type of person is a loser and this type is not, won't hurt you.

the human experience is so varied, everyone is learning on the go and there is this idea and concept of normalcy that a lot of people have failed to conform to. simultaneously we're all (for the most part. even those who mock you.) aware that there is no such thing as normal, no right way of living and yet we so desperately seek the conformity and approval and mistake it for community when it all reeks of malice and competition.

when it comes to all these people you mention, sort it out with yourself like ok do i genuinely want to do these things? am i seeking validation from people i don't respect? does this or that feel right to me? i know you don't want to be judged and you don't want to constantly be alone but do you really want to engage with people who don't respect you? like in my head, a good friend won't judge and laugh but will give you some encouragement, a bit of a nudge because sometimes that's all it takes. like i said in the beginning, trial and error. but that is every interaction til the end of your life. whether you're a loser or not. you try, you see ok i like these people or you say ok this fucking sucks and you move on. you get down a bit and then you try again. another thing i said in the beginning is that this might never work. some people never find friends, some people never you know find romantic love etc. it's a possibility and it's not the end of the world. is it an incredibly difficult thing to accept? of course. there is nothing i can say here that will make it an easier thing to accept.

i don't like those condescending posts that start with "you need to do this", you don't need to do anything you don't want to do, but toughen up, put some muscle on you, i don't mean literally, physically, but i think you get my sentiment. i don't think there is anything i said here that is going to be helpful, that is going to offer a concrete solution, because i think you know what the solution is and it's that annoying advice that people always give and i have been given it a million times, of like put yourself out there, you'll find someone, it'll all work out etc etc and it's like omgggg thanks for nothing. and i suppose in a way i did offer you the same annoying advice. no matter in what kind of cycle you find yourself in, the only way out of it is doing that very difficult thing that you dread. a person who isn't afraid can't be brave. try to develop a mantra, a story, a channeling of sorts that's gonna make some things a bit more bearable. i literally repeat a line from a book inside my head. this is how i try to sort out shit with myself. not everything works for everyone.

oh and another thing that helps is getting angry. not aggressive, not physical, not violent, just maintaining a healthy dose of anger inside yourself that propels you forward.

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writingtohealmytrauma · 19 days

Text

5/4/24

she left me 2 months ago and the pain is still so real and unbearable. 8 years of our life gone, she is now a stranger we dont talk, i want to talk so bad but she wants to move on and asked us not to message i want to talk to her everyday but i need to respect her decision's she still hasnt blocked me and i cant bring myself to block her number, not that it would do any good as i know her number off by heart, i managed to get the strength to archive our conversations so im not constantly seeing her name and our life everytime i message someone, i had been messaging her out of desperation and longing for connection with her and i can see by the read reciepts that she is seeing my message but choosing not to respond and it just hurts so much that this is clearly what she really wants and she is trying her hardest to get over me and us.

she tells me "We pushed it as far as we could" in reality she pushed it as far as she wanted. she tells me that she wants to have a family and she doesnt see a future with us after 8 years so she needs to leave me and find someone else to have a family with. she's 26 and wants to have kids before 30? so she cant waste any more time with us. i spent my life serving her, but it wasnt enough. i gave her everything. i literally made her breakfast and dinner every day for 3 years to prove my love to her, i flew her business class around the world i showed her a life she never dreamed off. i was there every day when she got home waiting to hear about her day, i ALWAYS made and had time for her always. she was my purpose i lived to serve her. all i ever wanted was to marry her, everyone use to have a go at me saying "why dont you marry her?" "hurry up and put a ring on her finger" like i was the problem? she was the one that would never commit. all i wanted was a family and life with her. I know her past trauma's have played a huge part in all of this, she come from a very broken family and has carried alot of trauma her whole life that she refused to deal with and that leaked into our relationship in so many ways. i truly believe if she had of dealt with her passed issues we would stil be here. she was not the only one to blame i also brought issues to the table but i have worked and turned myself out inside as a person to try and fix/overcome these and i feel i really did. she had an avoidance schema which was a real issue she would always run and shut off from us whenever things were hard, my mind is constantly telling me she was overwhelmed and her avoidance schema kicked in and thats why she ended it as there was no good reason to end it, weeks before she ended it she was telling me that she was finallly ready to get engaged after 8 years?? im so confused? I worry that she has realised this was an overreaction to a minor problem but her pride is stopping her from saying hey this is blown out of proportion can we try and fix this?? i would come running! i'd lay my life down to fix this, what ever it took whatever love she needed it is hers. I worry by the time she comes to this conclusion i will have moved on, not because i wanted to but because the pain is to great and i dont want to take my own life from grief. does one ever truly move on? will i still think about her in years too come? there is that weird sense of hope that we will get back together but i cant hold onto that. when we first started dating she saw a psychic (I dont believe in that stuff) but he told her that she was going to meet her partner and they would be together for life like penguins and that she would have twins with them. over the years i truly believed that and i made that a promise to myself that she was my penguin and that we would be together forever and have twins and i held onto that promise for so long, that promise got me through the hardest time in our relationship and now i feel its been broken it makes me sick to think that im not her penguin and some other man might be? she will have twins and a family with another man? makes me want to curl up and die.

It hurts so much that she wants to move on she couldnt do it anymore 8 years, meant nothing i know she wasnt in it for a long time i just kept pushing and pushing and exhuasting myself trying to fix it, i knew in the back of my mind that it was over a long time ago and that we wouldnt work in the future. she was my best friend though and the only family ive ever had all i wanted was to serve her and love her but there was always this twisted gut feeling in my stomach everytime i thought about our future, not from fear just uncertainty. we broke up once before for a short period of time and she bought someone back to our house within a couple days of us breaking up my mind reels at the thoughts of who she is with now who she is seeing.

**DREAM

I had a dream last night that we met up and i asked had she been with anyone else i asked her and i wanted her to say yes so i could hate her and move forwards in my dream she told me after a week of us separating that she had been sleeping with someone else she began to describe the sexual encounter to me with such joy saying it was hot and sweaty and that they didn't use protection and i remember feeling such a sense of a rage and sadness and sickness all at once in my dream, the though of her with another man made my sick. **DREAM

i woke up and i felt relieved as my mind was still telling me that was a real conversation and i hated her and could let her go and after properly waking up and realising it was a dream i cant shake the feeling the thoughts of that dream and what it meant to me. now i feel like i need to know if she is sleeping with other people so i can move on? WHY IS MY MIND ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS? i want to know that she is with other people so i can hate her so i can detach as i feel thats the only way i can move forward but at the same time i dont want to know either. i have no interest in other women right now, i dont think i ever will. i gave her every part of my heart and soul. ive only ever slept with 2 people in my life and have no interest in sleeping around being with other people, the thought makes me feel sick.

everytime i see anything slightly sexual it reminds me of her it makes me feel sick to my guts as to who she is with. i was her first and she was my second and to be intimate almost every day with the same person for 8 years is so special. i think its a mix of jealousy and fear fear because i know what other men are like and what they are capable and that she has not been exposed to how feral men can be and jealousy because what if she finds someone better than me? what if they pleasure her better or love her more. what if she is more attracted to them then me? she said to me that she still loves me and thats not that she doesnt want me she just doesnt think we have a future?? which is so insanely confusing cause how can you love and want someone but not be willing to commit to marriage and life together and risk going out into the world and hoping you find the connect you had with someone else.

she was my bestfriend, all i wanted was to be around her and in her presence and i think that makes this all so much harder for me. i feel like im one of those people that is always surrounded by people but feel so alone always. she took away the loneliness made me feel complete and normal maybe it was bad that i needed her to make me feel that way, maybe i should learn to feel that way before getting into another relationship. thats what everyone tells you to do. but does anyone actually truly do that? does anyone ever wait untill they are complete and feel whole before getting into another relationsip? i feel like if you were complete and happy being alone you would never get into a relationship at all so i feel like that kind of advice is a lie? what else would compel you to be in a relationship if you have learnt to be happy alone, i understand women having a biological clock and im led to beleive that some women have overwhelming maternal instincts and the need to have children but as a some what succesful male, if i learn to be happy aloen and enjoy my own company? why would i want to get into a relationship what would be the driving force behind that? so i think that type of thinking is a lie and fanciful.

i feel scared to go back home, i know i need to though. i left the state i live in to go stay with my cousins for a wgile to try and clear my head i dont know if it has helped our made things worse? im genuinely not sure.

im so scared of running into her, im so scared of running into her with another man. i dont know how to deal with these feelings of fear and jealousy. i just love her so much and my heart screams for her day in an day out.

even writing this now i feel sick at the thought the she is talking to somoene else and flirting with them and doing sexual things with them.

i think the hardest thing for me to grasp is her being sexually intimate with someone else. that seems to be the trigger for me to spiral and feel sick.

my psycologist told me that those are grief thoughts and to label them grief thoughts and that they will pass but they just make me sicker and sicker everytime i think of them.

im not eating, im not sleeping all i do is train. i feel so insecure and so scared i feel like ive aged so much in our relationship and that im ugly and un lovable so im just destroying my body to stay fit and become stronger than i am. i worry its becoming a mental ilnness almost a body dysphoria i hate myseld and everything about myself.

she was younger than me buy a couple of years and i know she is going to date someone younger than me and they will be fitter and stronger than me and it just hurts so much to think that.

i get angry cause i feel like she used me and robbed me of my life and my best years and that she never had any intention of seeing this through. she just used me as a vessel to get her setup in a career and financially.

#relationship #breakup #trauma #heartbreak #healing #self refle

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infprambling · 2 months

Text

Not sure why I made this. Don't know if I would bother to keep up with it. But maybe I need something kind of low key to calm myself down from some nightmare anxiety.

My brain is usually on reflection mode. That or hot potating around a bunch of creative ideas. I find mbti somewhat interesting (silly fun with some of the silly stuff from its community), and what people say about INFPs as a way to reflect upon myself. (cognitive functions over stereotype traits though) Everyone is different, even if you're under the same type with another. The differences could be in the small details of how a type might have, say, share a stereotype trait but the circumstances surrounding it, thought process, etc, could be quite different from most who are of that type. So on here, I guess I'll be rambling about how I do relate and don't relate to some infp stereotypes that I often see on the internet. Maybe someone can relate to how I think in certain ways.

-------------

procrastination:

So I read how people talk about INFPs push so many things aside until the last minute. Some INFPs being very self depreciating about it.

For me, I do not have a hard time jumping into doing something that's really important to me or related to my passion. Usually (moreso in the past), I can even find it very difficult to stop. But the procrastination issue for me, comes from perfectionism (which I'm slowly trying to stop that) or more of how it is now; knowing how to do/understand a certain thing better than before. Which makes me want to fix it. (some of these are legit fixes) Sometimes getting overwhelmed. (Especially wanting to really complete it by a certain date) Which this leads to a burnout eventually occurring. And I can't quite find help for it/how to resolve it. I would still often push myself to do just a little part of it though. But I don't think that's quite healthy.

Then also... I tend to research a lot. Which I'm also working on, to not go overboard with it. Too much, I want to understand too much things. Especially maybe all at once. Which again can be overwhelming then... possibly burning out. On the other end, there are times when I feel very confused on what I specifically want, or just feeling lost overall. I would try my best to work it through but it can take time.

If the thing I got to do is important but a bit anxiety inducing, I will do fine, but yes, I won't start right away. To try to sum up why it's anxiety inducing, it's the judgement (moreso from family, rather than from strangers. In the past, it would include all), having lack of privacy, lack of understanding on what's to happen (so I feel underprepared, and with no one wanting to tell me/unclear about things, I feel greater stress to figure it out myself. This part isn't so bad anymore though), myself usually and naturally absorbing the stress/anxiety of others, and having my autonomy taken away. I don't know, but I think there are people who think INFPs might probably be happy to let others take care things for them? But that's definitely not the case for me. Just don't suddenly dump it all and a bunch of things at once on me.

As mentioned, it's still fine, because I do set steps and when I should do them. Including making a good guess on how much added extra time should I tack onto that. Yes, it's a guess but never had a problem before.... excluding if I constantly get asked about it. (like almost every other hour, everyday) This somehow makes me subconsciously push the task away. But even then, I'm actually pretty good with completing it on time. Just have to feel it's important and feel like there's no other way to do it.

I would like to do many things right away, but I also know how my stress effects how well I do something. (And the usual person who keeps asking, I definitely have noticed how they rush things. Leading to mistakes. Then having to need more time, getting more stress to try to fix the mistakes.)

Some of my mistakes could be ok actually, like it could still work in overall purpose of it, or it's not that bad. But it's just my mind sometimes thinking I messed up because I didn't follow a certain overall plan or, I guess, ideal.

(Doing something for someone else, or getting something for them. I don't have a problem with doing that in a timely fashion (even sometimes doing it super in advance), if it doesn't involve trampling on my values like certain lies, then constantly pressuring me to do the thing too. Or now, it's for someone who don't/barely care about me. Also, if someone else isn't trying to prevent or make it hard for me to do whatever it is. I can fight it but well, it gets super tiring.)

#mbti #infp #infp thoughts #journal #my journal #infp life #infp personality #journaling

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dogwittaablog · 4 months

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ya I remember asking you the whole how he would approach dating seriously vs hook ups and everything. In the sense like how would he feel like meeting someone he sees himself falling for/how would he feel and think about falling in love/introducing someone to his family and friends. Would he be scared out of his mind? I don’t think he’s ever been in love and I don’t think he allows himself to fall, so how would he even act when he falls in love unexpectedly and he couldn’t see it coming and its hard and fast. What’s this dude’s dream girl like personality/interests wise? And like I feel like his family and besties are very important to him and he’d be hella nervous and excited for what they’d think about a girl. And I think they’d also be so curious to see who managed to get him to settle down after 5-6 years of the bachelor lifestyle. Not gonna lie I wanted a whole psychological breakdown about all of this because I love the way you keep it a 100 with him but you put in so much effort with the fanfic writing I didn’t have the heart to tell you back then. Sorry for the super long rant lol

In all honesty that's probably a really hard question to address who exactly he'd fall in love with and how. Since love is a really deep emotion, he'd probably find it overwhelming and scary since it'd be a new territory for him and he doesn't come off as someone who's easily vulnerable.

If I could picture someone ideal that would suit him it'd definitely be an independent and self assured individual, like he'd really appreciate someone who has their own goals and ambitions. Who's able to provide and do things for themselves without constantly relying on him. (He's never struck me as the kind of person that would make anyone a stay at home girlfriend and just let them take his card and buy whatever lmao). Don't see him liking to feel the need to baby someone or fix every small problem they have, or have them nag for attention constantly either.

The person is a good mix of being introverted and extroverted, knows when to just stay in to chill and knows when to have fun and go out. Is able to match the mood accordingly. He likes them goofy for sure, someone who's carefree/no drama and is able to push his buttons in a good way (Just imagine a female TK). Probably would want someone who lets him indulge in his hobbies without judgement (Especially hunting and the 6+ hours at the golf course with the boys lmao). A big bonus is if they're already into the same hobbies, or if they're willing to participate and learn.

When it comes to introducing he’d probably be fairly anxious and probably thinking of all the potential embarrassing stories and photos they’ll see/hear of him + just hoping they’ll all be accepting. “Wow Nolan finally brought a girl over! It’s been ages!”

There is no doubt he values his parents and sisters opinion on who he brings home, but he seems like he values his dad's opinion the most idk why. I think cause he's such a daddies boy and it's pretty evident he goes to him for advice and whenever he needs a heart to heart. So if whomever impresses his dad, would probably have a better chance of staying around longer. Not saying his mom and sisters opinion don't matter, but it's not that big of a significance compared to good old Steve. His friends would probably have the least say in everything, they’d just want him happy with a good person.

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #its safe to say my dude likes someone fairly simple #and doesn't give him a headache lol #also thanks anon youre a cutie :)#nolpat #nolan patrick #ask #dec '23 subs

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funeral-grayy · 2 years

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chicken tendies

It was a tuesday morning when monoma heard the whispers at the hero agency he worked for, the looks of pity. he was just leaving for an early morning patrol, when he felt the whole atmosphere change. all it took was someone saying your name and he knew he needed to get out. get out, get away from everyone. it felt like a life time since you broke up with him but it had only been a few months. he hadn't seen you in person since that day or heard your name. his chest ached knowing he had to live without you but he knew he hadn’t been good for you. you had a new boyfriend, that's what everyone was talking about, trying to hide from him. no, it wouldn’t break him but fuck did it hurt. it hurt because he knew how much of yourself you poured into the relationship, only for him to break you. he hadn’t meant to, he hadn’t even noticed until it was too late. he hadn't realized how much he loved you.

i hope he treats you better than i ever could

he knew he hadn’t deserved you. you were bright, brighter than the sun or any star in the sky. you were so full of love and god, you tried so hard to love him. but he wasn’t enough. you had these big dreams, you had plans and he was holding you back. you were carefree about everything while he cared too much and not in a good way. he strolled down the street, starting his patrol and getting lost in his own thoughts. he’d missed important dates, constantly forgot to pick you up from work and ignored you when you needed him the most. somehow you stuck around though, you stuck around for so long and he didn’t know why. he took you for granted. it wasn’t always bad though. he recalls the time he cooked you your favorite meal in your shared apartment. it was a simple sunday afternoon but it was also so much more. he remembers surprising you with the meal and the look on your face was one he’d treasure forever. you’d lived together for a year before it all fell apart. there were a lot of really good times but he ruined it. he became obsessed with becoming a top hero, it drove him mad. you deserved so much better than how he treated you during that time.

you’re more than i could ever be

breaking out of his thoughts, he tried paying attention to where he was walking. he had to stop dwelling on this, he’d lost you and he had to come to terms with it. the weather was gloomy, which reflected how he felt on the inside. it was a deep ache, one he wasn’t sure would ever go away but maybe dull over time. eventually he’d come to terms with it and be happy for you but now? no. now it hurt. all the things he never got to say to you felt like acid on his tongue, just wanting to spit it all out. but it was too late. it was too fucking late and he had to live with that.

I hope he’s home for you, even though i had to lose you

the sinking feeling worsened as the first few drops of rain came down. who were you dating now? who was warming his side of the bed now? bringing you earl grey tea and kissing your forehead? what if it was someone he knew? oh god what if it was bakugo? this wasn’t something he should be thinking about but the urge to know who it was, was strong. he needed to know that it was someone who was going to treat you right. he wanted to make sure it was someone who deserved your love. someone who would be gentle and kind with you, something he wasn’t.

for you to find the one that fills your heart, even if i’m not the one you chose

the rain started to come down harder, but monoma didn’t even seem to notice, too preoccupied with over thinking. it was the thunder that finally jolted him out of his head and god, did he wish it hadn’t. it was almost as if the universe was listening to his thoughts. because as soon as he looked up, there you were. soaked from the rain in the blue dress he had bought you for your birthday. but the rain didn’t seem to bother you, you were laughing at something he couldn’t see. its like his ears had zeroed in on your laugh and tuned everything out. god, he had missed that sound so much. he wanted to turn around, walk the other way. he didn’t want to see who was making you laugh like he use to but his feet wouldn’t move. the rain started coming down even harder and your laugh became louder. it was like slow motion, all he saw was purple. he watched as you were picked up and twirled around. your eyes closed and laughter dwindling. then you were set back down on the ground. even from where he was standing, he could tell you were in love. you had never looked at him that way in the year you were together. yes, you had told him you loved him but this was different. this was a much different love than the one you gave him. the pit in his stomach grew as he watched the scene in front of him. shinsou was your new boyfriend? it could have been anyone else, why did it have to be him? he wasn’t sure when he had started crying, the rain and his tears mixing together. finally, finally his feet decided to move. he didn’t know where he was going but he knew he needed to leave, his heart couldn’t handle it any longer. the only saving grace was that he knew shinsou would love you properly. love you the way you deserved to be loved.

cause you deserve the world times two

#monoma x reader #neito x reader #neito monoma x reader #neito monoma #angst #song fic #chicken tendies by clinton kane #why do i love to hurt my own feelings #sorry not sorry #my hero acedamia #bnha

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prophecydungeon · 2 years

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not quite to the date (yet) but ten years ago i posted a fic that is somehow still sitting on the front page of results by kudos and by bookmarks for the most popular ship in the most popular fandom on AO3 and i still don't know how that happened.

like... really genuinely truly i don't know what kind of WILD perfect-storm-level shit was going on to make this happen. the original post got eleven whole notes here on tungle (yeah i checked lmao). i am not, actually, a very Doing Numbers blogger or writer, nor had i ever been, nor will i ever be. as far as i know, there wasn't any wildass six degrees of separation thing that happened where someone very Doing Numbers made it Do Numbers. i didn't "advertise" it or anything (ppl who make fic graphics and have a posting/rbing/rting schedule.. i could never lmao), i didn't post it on every site known to man, i didn't tag it to hell, i didn't really do anything. it just fucking happened. and it's still happening!!! and i am just so fucking baffled. how did this happen. why are there people making tiktoks about this fic in the year of our lord 2022. how??????

i have a lot of very complicated feelings about this fic, with a lot of them boiling down to just, like, brain chemicals being very stupid, and i know that logically it's just brain chemicals gone bad! but it's still hard to shake ten (10!) years of feeling like my growth in writing is being constantly undercut by this thing that's created its own gravity well to keep sucking in kudos and comments when just about everything i've written since has been Better™ (which again, logically, i know is untrue -- i write for fandoms now that are relatively VERY small lol so of course nothing is ever going to Do Numbers again like this)

this fic was something i wrote after a very difficult-to-process series of events, so it was complete and utter wish fulfillment and it felt so good to write. the flip side of this, which in retrospect really soured the fic for me, is that i tried my damndest to live out the life i wrote in this fic. i went to grad school for linguistics two years later and TA'd, Just Like The Fic. it was supposed to be great! and those turned out to be the two most miserable years of my life. maybe not specifically because i was trying to live a daydream, but that disparity didn't help (though my friends certainly did). so in a way, aeiw is this image of a failed dream -- i'm not in linguistics as a field, not even remotely, and i likely never will be; i don't want to ever go back to academia, even though i will likely need to get another masters (derogatory) in my current field at some point.

BUT. i promised that this is not a negative post so i will pivot here to say very genuinely that i am so, so grateful to all the friendships and good times this fic has brought me. thank you to all the people i met because of this fic or while writing it. thank you to everyone who's gotten to know me for totally different reasons/fandoms/etc and then been like WAIT A SECOND. (it's so funny, every time.) thank you to everyone who's ever left kudos and said a kind word. (i still get kudos emails nearly every day just for this fic.)

and thank you to the incredibly beautiful personal anecdotes people have left on this fic, holy shit. i have a folder in my email for those specifically. here are some excerpts from comments that made me tear up:

Hey, so...you probably don't still read comments on this fic because it's so old and so wildly popular*, but I hope you see this. [...] I just started my first year of University as a Linguistics major, and I know for a fact that I wouldn't have figured out what I wanted to study had I never read this fic. I've always had trouble with school, and struggled to find subjects that weren't wildly difficult or insanely boring-until Linguistics. Now, I'm excited to learn and pursue my degree-maybe even a master's eventually. I just wanted to say thank you for this sweet story that stuck with me for all of these years, and helped me find what I want to do.

*i do. i read every single comment. every single one.

[...] Reading this, I don't understand how anyone could say that you, the writer, did this alone and will only ever be alone for this story.** I mean, we're separated by computer screens, but I feel that I was transported into your story in a way that transcends what is expected of the written word. Maybe this is my biased opinion as someone who has grown up in a secondary orality culture, but I just had to let you know that this story was more than the written word is often perceived to be. If that makes sense. I felt like I was there, getting the story and so caught up that I couldn't stop reading. And you might not be the narrator, but you're essentially god and you breathed life into these characters and I'm so in awe of you. You make it seem so easy! What's worse is I know it's not, so here I am, seeing something unfold with what looks like practiced ease when I know just how much work you've put into writing to get you to this point. I'm so proud of you! And it feels silly to say but I am, and I wanted you to know. [...]

**this is one of the most incredible things anyone has ever said to me.

[...] I first read this a long time ago (at least 6 years) when I was really Going Through It and this fic - specifically Dean - really resonated with me.*** It gave me an inkling (pun intended) of hope. And it was the first positive representation of tattoos that I'd seen. I started planning tattoos I wanted soon after reading this, using them the way Dean does in this to identify the important and best things in my life and figure out how to represent them and always have them with me. I just got my third done and I love all of them. So thank you for the impact that you've had on my life, and for writing such a wonderful story.

***i was really Going Through It as well. i'm doing great now and i hope you are too.

thank you to past me for writing this fic and finishing something "long" (lol..... lmao). thank you to past me for writing unabashed wish fulfillment, something i would lose the capability to do for a long time (dw, i got it back). thank you to this fic for irrevocably fucking up my AO3 statistics.

so anyways, ten years on i'm doing great. new career. new gender. new fursona. i live in a super cool area. i got like seven anime figures of this one horrendous guy. my sick tattoos have gotten even sicker. here's a portrait of the author for good measure:

and here are some fun facts about the fic that idr if i've ever shared before:

the scene at the very end where cas goes to get tattooed by dean? my beta wrote that for me. yes, the whole scene. thank you.

i don't remember who it was that carried a bike up some stairs but i always hefted my bike up onto my shoulder when walking it up my outside stairs so i pictured whoever that was doing it too (and i still have that bike! i refurb'd it last year!)

i think i own every vinyl i mentioned... i think

i definitely own led zeppelin's entire discography on vinyl

i finally bought a pair of rough-faced amethyst plugs for myself, something like two years ago? took me a while to get there

that sex scene was in there because i felt like i "had to" include one lmaoooo i had no idea what i was doing and i've written way better p*rn since then

when i turned 24 i did actually listen to 4 + 20 by csny first thing in the morning

soooo much of the tattoo and piercing stuff was so fucking pretentious of me.... but really, be thorough when looking for piercers and tattoo artists, stay safe, there are a lot of great resources out there

i actually pretty legitimately don't like showing my tattoos irl just because people can be really annoying/weird but i also just enjoy wearing long pants and long sleeves lol

...also yeah i do dress Like That. unironically.

some things i have written since then that i am very proud of:

P vs NP, RvB

the more i run (the farther away it seems), destiny

quema, bleach

in the details (not the devil), haikyuu!!

apsidial precession, destiny

and so in conclusion........ thank you. but i'm still baffled.

#this isn't a negative post i promise #I've Done Numbers You Wouldn't Believe #ten years. ten years!#fic talk

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mejomonster · 3 months

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Huai Dao chapter 8: Sheng Yao (detail oriented flirt) likes Su Junzi (happily married family man)

Oh. Oh man

Ohhhh. Okay look so 1 theyre side characters, Im almost sure Shen Yexi and Jiang Hu are the main pairing of the novel.

2 Sheng Yao and Su Junzi are absolutely characters with traits that priest was like: oh yeah i gotta try these out again with more characters. And those would include Fei Du and Luo Wenzhou. So like. If youve read modu, you know Fei Du likes Tao Ran, and Luo Wenzhou likes Tao Ran. But Tao Ran is *presumed straight (he is Rejecting them both is the point). So Luo Wenzhou IS single. So when Fei Du hits on Tao Ran, its Kind Of shitty to hit on Luo Wenzhous crush, but also neither of them are getting their advances accepted, so theyre really just both losers mutually looking pathetic about their crush not liking them. So when Fei Du switches to hit on Luo Wenzhou, well. Luo Wenzhou IS single. There is no actual 3rd party to cheat on or hurt or betray. The only obstacles to them dating are their self imposed personal reasons (Fei Du not wanting to actually date someone he loves in fear he will hurt them, Fei Du knowing hes lying to Luo Wenzhou, Luo Wenzhou being so protective and semi-guardian over Fei Du for so long that hes like a kid to him, Luo Wenzhou intensely aware of the myriad of power inequalities from both sides, Luo Wenzhou aware Fei Du for some reason Doesnt wanna Actually be committed and is lying - at least at first). But uh. Su Junzi is married married.

Oh priest how are u gonna hurt me. Is this gonna be a Tao Ran situation where Su Junzi is straight and sweet and just an unobtainable crush Sheng Yao silently harbors until he meets someone else? Which is the path Fei Du took with crushing on Tao Ran. Is Su Junzi bi and going to lose his wife tragically (super emotionally fucked up if so ill cry), and Sheng Yao helps with his kid and they end up together eventually? (I sincerely doubt it but) are we getting a polyamorous 3 people situation - that would be the least Hurt My Heart answer. And if Sheng Yao moves on from this crush, Su Junzi just being a catalyst making him realize he does want to settle down with someone... who on Earth is he going to date??? Because Sheng Yao really built Su Junzi up in his head as HIS partner, his companion, his Close Friend he always cares about. And even on a platonic level, it is HARD to find a new romance partner who grows into someone u love as much as a long term best friend (which is maybe why when people do, they stay in long term relationships with Those crushes that become best friends to them too). Like. Its going to be hard for a new person to worm into Sheng Yaos heart at the degree a close friend like Su Junzi already is.

Oh and Jiang Hu? Im not sure yet how i feel about him and Shen Yexi. Im still somehow hoping for a Hannibal level fucked up dynamic. But Jiang Hus not really giving Liar or Dangerous, so much as foreigner with his own peculiar habits (and spacey) and with a personality that just doesnt Totally mesh with a police (which means hes pretty normal for a guy youd run into in a university). And Shen Yexi, unless he flips WILDY which i guess is possible like Fei Dus lie reveal, well he is just fairly earnest? He seems to be a good employee, a priest lead who Isnt a flirt (actually fun and shocking to me he And Jiang Hu arent flirts since the other mystery priest novels ive read at least one lead is), seems to care to help people but not glorify it or expect impossibly perfect results from himself (which is what Luo Wenzhou absolutely does - hold himself to superhero expectations then constantly self hate that hes incapable of meeting them). Shen Yexi is fairly well adjusted, balanced, a good calm decisive leader... hes got a bit of a workaholic streak but it only is affecting him, hes not expecting it of his team too. Hes so what he appears, i just dont think hes gonna turn out to be an undercover criminal or villain type. So much as id love a Hannibal esque dynamic... i dont think its happening.

Anyway i love Sheng Yao this poor man fucked up. Fell in love with an unavailable married man.

#huai dao #lb #sheng yao crushing on a married man is like when in Modu priest has Tao Ran break up with the gf who loves him #its not happy. it IS realistic. and it hurts my heart. and its just There becausr its in character for them.

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letterstomymothershewontread · 8 months

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sometimes i think i’m destined to be lonely forever. being in a long term relationship has its ups and downs. there are times where you’re happier than you’ve ever been, you go on dates, you communicate, you have amazing sex, nothing could be better. then disaster hits. something happens in your lives and things change. suddenly there aren’t any dates, you don’t talk about your days together, you don’t talk about your interests anymore, and there’s no sex. this causes issues and you start arguing. things may get better after that but it doesn’t last. the process repeats.

maintaining a relationship with someone that you constantly go through this cycle with is even harder when someone dies, especially a parent. i know i sound like the biggest asshole when i say, i’m so tired of trying to do it all for them but, i can’t help it. they’re the love of my life, i don’t want to be with anyone else, that i know for certain. what i don’t know is how much more i can take. relationships aren’t always 50/50, i am well awake of that. sometimes they’re 60/40, 70/30, or 90/10. the thing is though sometimes the partner doing the most gets drained, they’ve given all they can give until there is nothing left so, a conversation is to be had. i’m so sick of trying to have a conversation over and over and over and over and over about the same things. i want the same effort i put into the relationship when i need it to. that being said, i’m not going to stop taking care of my partner. i’m going to do my best to continue to water then so they grow, that water may just be from my tears now.

every time i try to have a conversation about it i end up mad and heartbroken. i raise my voice or i yell sometimes and i don’t like that i do that. i don’t want to do that but, when it’s like they’re not listening and don’t hear me i don’t know how else to be heard. growing up that’s how it always was for me and i know that’s not the healthiest and it’s something i’m trying to work on by myself. i can’t help but feel like i’m 13 again and i’m 2 foot tall and they manage to make me feel that way without saying a single thing. once i’ve aired out my grievances is usually when they hit me with the “then why are you still with me” or the “then find someone better” or like tonight the “then find someone better since I suck so much”. one day i’m going to try and talk to them about something that bothering me and they’re gonna hit me with the find better and i’m going to. i could, i have no doubt about that. the thing is, i don’t want anyone else. i haven’t wanted anyone else and i don’t plan to want anyone else. i just don’t know how much more i can take.

i tell them i’m proud of them every other day, on the days i don’t tell them i send them tiktoks to tell them with the words i do not know. i know it’s not the same but it still carrie’s the sentiment that i’m thinking of them when i’m shutting my brain off to relax. they say they’re hard to read, i send them ones that are plain. they don’t watch them. i clean the house that is bordering on a dumpster for them. it’s too overwhelming for them so i do my best and push aside my own overwhelmed feelings and i get to work. i give them their shower for them because i know it’s hard for them to do basic tasks right now and i don’t complain. i tie up my hair, strip my clothes too and i hop in with them. i bathe them and not a lewd though crosses my mind the entire time. i give them hugs and hold their hand to reassure them i’m still there and i care and love them. i don’t expect sex in return for anything. eventually it gets to the point i’m going to shatter with loneliness. i talk to my best friend and she just listens and reassures my feelings are valid. i have the courage to start the cycle again. all they hear this time is sex, how we haven’t had it in months. that’s not the problem though it’s a need that isn’t being met. i understand they don’t even want to think about anything sexual while grieving and that’s perfectly fine. i also know that grief doesn’t have a time limit so though it’s been two months they’re still hurting, i remind myself. the cycle continues and i feel lonelier than ever. i’m hurting too but i don’t talk about it and that’s fine because where it was my father in law it was their father.

all i want is to feel chased by them again. i’ve tried treating them how i want to be treated and it falls on deaf ears. i’ve made more of an effort to doll myself up for them and to look pretty and maybe i’ll get a “you look pretty” and that’s it. most times i have to ask for a compliment which triggers me but i try to push that to the side. at the end of it i feel alone and lonely and unwanted.

i don’t know what else to do so the cycle will continue and i’ll feel like this forever and i think i’ve just become content with that.

-lonely

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mosaicdaisies · 9 months

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25/07 시작하자

Posting a journal online seems kind of insane. Let’s do it.

It’s hard to believe that I’m standing at the foot of a mountain, about to start this ambitious trek. Because I’m not. I’m sitting in front of my notes app, flipping between a benign search for journal prompts and shadow work activities. Procrastinating, even before the pen touches the paper- or the finger touches down on the iPad screen, in this case.

My thoughts are pinging about in my head, leaving an unproductive, albeit very theatrical, trail of sparks and noise behind them. The general aim is for me to untangle this mess in my head- to find some sort of rhyme or reason to its current processes, and, ideally, dispel the omnipresent sense of worry that seems to wander around with me, constantly tugging at the cuff of my jeans.

Shadow work, in all its complex, psychologically-backed glory carries a definite appeal, but it may be a little bit out of my reach right now. In fact, sitting down and putting something down like this is a significant stride of progress for me. Ideally, I’ll make a habit of physical journaling (there’s an undeniable charm to the more analogue methods, particularly in a society which is caught in the thrall of up-and -coming technology— I’m looking at you, ChatGPT). I think that being busy is generally the way to go.

In fact, the lack current activity in my schedule is a big proponent in my worries. Introduce a man into an uncharacteristically un-busy schedule, and we all know what happens…. The anxiety symptoms of an anxiously attached person manifest twofold when the man in question seems charming, and fits the brief— enters the heart, as an awkward Korean translation would yield. While it seems incredibly backwards, I find myself liking this man, and that’s where the worry comes in. Before, I was a supporter of doing what one wants, including meeting a range of different men, just for the sake of fun and going-out experience. It was never that serious. Indeed, it’s not that serious in this case either, but I do like him.

The combination of liking someone and having more than one’s fair share of idle time causes pesky habits to crop up— I wait for his texts, pore over notifications (or, the lack thereof), and worst of all, consult TikTok and costar. “What to do when he doesn’t text you back”, “but the tarot reader on my fyp swore that we would go on a date soon!”, “why do men chase you and then stop”. You’d have to snatch my internet history from me over my cold, dead body. Even while I’m writing this, he’s still on my mind. While I bet he’s unbothered, not sparing a second thought between his busy schedule and his generally different constitution.

Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and equally, the key to security and self-esteem wasn’t discovered after writing one entry, after all. You are the inauguration of my blog. Let’s put some more thought into this- some elbow grease into my schedule, and more awareness and course correcting where necessary…. I’ll wrap up here for now- let’s meet again at Starbucks tomorrow- I have a gifticon ;)

random/short thoughts

I may, perhaps, and once again, be a rich man’s toy

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theeyeofinfinity · 1 year

Text

Born to bleed or too stubborn to die?

I think I’m reaching the end of my journey. In a painful realization that it won’t end how i hoped it would, but in a relief that i can put my soul to rest. I’m disappointed that all the years of patiently waiting, silently hoping, and the journey towards the final battlefield all ended in losing the war. That last fight. To think that i could win but never really stood a chance. It’s a deep sadness i have not felt in a long time. My chest hasnt stopped burning in three days now. It’s hard to think straight when all you can think about is the sensation and tightness of feeling your heart cry out, bleeding everywhere as you tell it “you’ll be alright. I promise it looks worse than it is. Hang on and you’ll see that you’ll be right as rain soon.” You almost feel like a liar. Because while your heart will eventually be okay, itll be horribly disfigured. Adorning every scar, every bruise, every cut, and every scrape it received during this long and painful journey. I wish there were more positive things to say about it all. While i could never hate you, my soul will forever remember what you did. All the trails i was put through to end up nowhere. All the lies that were told. All the promises that were never kept. Some days i look back on it all and ask how i could have lied to myself for so long and made you out to be the one worth dying for. How did i make excuses for everything and every time i was wronged. How did i keep explaining it all away, pulling the knife out, and keep walking towards this? I’m very good at convincing myself that something is worth it. Very good at highlighting the best of you and ignoring the rest. The truth is that you just couldnt bring yourself to choose me. No matter how much i grew. How much i changed. How much i compromised. I would break down every part of me to fit the mold i needed to and it was still not enough. Youd rather casually date other guys and tell me it meant nothing. Lie and tell me the dates were a one time thing, just to do it over and over. Pull away when i wanted to be close. Make me feel so alone even when i was right next to you. Youd come chase me and find me just to put me in this horrible situation and then question why i can’t just be your friend. As if loving someone this much allows someone to sit at the sidelines and feel the feeling of not being chosen after so much effort. Having to watch other people receive the effort you begged for. All the things you never got when you did everything short of moving mountains. Itll always break my heart. Being asked to stay is nothing short of selfish and borderlines evil. But its all things i can start to let go. You’ve yet again given up even with all the things that went right. Now i can begin to let it all go. Since I’ve truly tried everything. Theres nothing i could have done to change the outcome i was fighting all these years. I can start to let go of the memories and the pain. The good times and the bad. I hope you never regret having given up the chance to build up that life together. I don’t think itll ever be a second thought in your head. To give up on having someone who would bring you food late at night even after working a whole shift. Flowers because they saw some that they knew youd like. Cook for you because they knew you were tired from the effort youd put into your work. Massage you for hours just to give you a small slice of solace at the end of the day. Fix your things when they notice them not working instead of waiting for you to ask. Looking for fun things to do together to keep connecting and growing together. Forgiving you for your wrongs and loving your rights. It baffles me knowing that all of it started because we couldn’t stand the pull of each other anymore. To sit there and touch souls for a night. That the desire we feel towards each other was never enough. How it always ended with “i just want to be friends.” How heartless you have to be to constantly ignore how i felt and entice me into coming back just to try to trick me into accepting terms you knew i couldn’t.

How selfish you have to be to do it over and over. But i knew. I kept letting you. Last night i knew how that talk was going to go. I knew that none of the things we experienced in the last few months would make any difference. No matter what i said or what i changed. It was over. You offered to try pulling back and redoing. But I’d have to be an idiot to not know that its only going to reaffirm your stance and ensure that you do everything in your power to hold us down in this friendship and not grow into something more. Thats okay. Because when i have the strength to go i’ll just fade into that good night. Backpack on my shoulder, tear in my eye, heart shattered, but smile on my face as i walk towards the unknown. Smiling knowing this will be the last time i have to feel the heart break and pain of this. The last time i have to beg you to reconsider. Try to show you i was worth it. There won’t be a need to block or avoid you. You’ll be able to float in the peripheral and watch as much as youd like. If you can stomach the empty stares and distance small talk of interacting with the ghost of who you cared about maybe even a quick exchange of hellos. But you’ll know the pain of seeing a familiar face being controlled by someone else. The person you cared about being gone and lost. All that remains being their body. But the soul that would have pulled down heavens for you will have been peacefully buried. Buried next to the girl who loved him. The only place you’ll be able to visit him will be in your memories. In pictures you never took. In things you never said. You will know the pain of being cast aside and having it all be given to someone else. That is the nature of consequences. To know that you felt like it was a fuck up to ever give it a chance tells me all i need to know. I will never be loved here and i do not need to mourn what was never there. I can’t ever hate you. But i don’t think i’ll ever forgive you either. You’ll choose how to deal with it. Whether it ever affects you or you drown it out in stacking your day to the brim with things to do, i know you’ll be fine. How easily you can detach and ignore me is enough reassurance to know you’ll be just fine. For the first time since i said i love you and asked you not to go, i feel like i’ll be just fine too. I won’t need to update this anymore and i can send this blog off to rest with the soul who cared for it. So its only fitting that i leave it with its own little eulogy.

To the man who thought love conquered all, we say thank you. Thank you for showing the world the deep and unconditional love is real. Thank you for showing us the intensity and courage needed to not give up in the pursuit of something you believe in. For showing us the pain and hardship that the soul can endure when love and hope drive them forward. While love isnt always enough, you always will be. Through all your mistakes and triumphs, your heart was pure. You loved so much that it kept hope alive for years, surviving on crumbs and blind faith. It is no easy feat doing what you did. To take the bad and make it good. To sacrifice so many nights. Lose so many tears. To show up beaten and bruised with a smile on your face and say “i still love you, i know we can make it if you just give me a chance to show you”. It took conviction and patience to be built up and broken down so many times and still keep walking forward. You have shown us what a person is capable of. We’re so sorry that all your effort wasnt enough. In another world it might have been. In another life you succeeded and you got to reap the rewards of your battles. In another life you two are happy and she thanks you every day for not giving up on her. For showing her the love she needed to be her best self. Take comfort in knowing you will always be a symbol of true love, an inspiration and standard for those who know you to follow. I love you. Thank you for standing by me in our quest to find our soulmate. I hope you can forgive me for the things I’ve made you go through, and the ultimately fruitless endeavor. I used to think that a love you fought for was romantic. That it would be an amazing story to pass down to our kids. About how your mother was almost not your mother. How long i worked to find her. And how we ultimately found each other again. Theres nothing romantic about fighting for someone who doesn’t want you. Begging someone to reconsider when they already made the conscious choice to get rid of you knowing full well it meant that you wouldnt be in their lives again. They were okay with never seeing you again. They were fine with losing you or they would never have made the choice to do it. Never forget that. Use it to put your soul at ease. You may have never gotten the love you died for, but the man who replaces you has a fighting chance. He is there because of your work and sacrifice. He will honor you and succeed where we failed. Rest in peace. You will never be forgotten and you will always be loved by me. We’ll make sure to leave you flowers by the tree you carved as kids. We’ll be there often to visit you so you don’t feel abandoned and left behind ever again. We’re sorry for the life you lived. But you’ll finally know peace. We will carry your memory through the wisdom you’ve given us. We will be everywhere they look but nowhere to be found, and that, will be our revenge.

#me

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