#its been almost 8 years of this and i havent once felt the desire to get better only the desire to get better at hiding it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

herpaderpaman-blog · 7 years

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August 22nd 2017 Another shitty day. Feeling terrible after drinking half a bottle of tequila last night. Did some stupid things that i already regret. Miniscule but still wrong. What the fuck am I doing with my life.

I feel gross.And sad.

August 23rd 2017 Today is a little better. Didn’t wake up sad. Kind of just sitting at work feeling whatever. I need to stop drinking.

Still kind of upset about the usual shit, but its not effecting me as much today.

Lookin forward to mcgregor fight on saturday and also GoT finale.

Heres to pretending everything is okay

August 24th 2017 Wish I won the powerball. Still want pizza. And outback.

Spent the whole morning thinking about what i’d do if I won that 270 million.

Fuck man.

Feeling kind of eh today she asked me to come upstate saturday to watch the mcgregor fight…..no thanks.

August 25th 2017 Another day of work. Woke up feeling alright i guess. (alright in the context of my life as of right now) aka still fucking terrible. I just wanna be fuckin 16/17/18/19 again man. I hated life then too, but ya know it was a whole lot better than it is now and I sure as shit took that for granted. What was I thinking? I had it so easy. I had a good life. All my friends were around, still hung out. I was still in shape and had a nice fuckin body, unlike now. Did whatever I wanted for the most part. Waaaay more social, waaaaay less things to make me depressed. Didn’t have to deal with no fuckin brain injuries or fuckin bills, or fucking cheating girlfriends, or dying grandparents, or dying animals. It was all so good. And I was just a miserable bitch.

I guess the same thing can be said about me now. But who knows, in my opinion 2017 has been the worst year of my life, although I did say the same about 16 (usually every year as life goes on gets worse) But for sure 2017 is the worst shit imaginable. Everything happened at once.

- Got cheated on after being with someone for 5 years

- Grandfather dying

- Kicked out of childhood home/hometown

- Got fat as fuck

- Got unhealthy as fuck

- My kitties are dying

- Getting older and older everyday.

I miss the days of walking around parks and shit with my friends, just worryin about how to get the next gram of bud or the next pack of cigs, that was the biggest issues in our lives. fuckin pathetic to be honest. I never thought it would turn out like this for me though.

I gotta stop listening to A day to remember. Homesick just makes me want to die. I just wish I could go back to those years and do it all over and all different. I miss it so much.

But tomorrow at least I get to go watch the McGregor fight with my friends. I guess that’ll be good.

AUGUST 29TH 2017 Totally forgot about this over the last few days.

Shit went the fuck down this weekend. Nothing good. Way to drunk. At least I managed to stop drinking now. Haven’t really had any desire for it in the last couple of days.

Sunday(the 27th) I felt like fucking shit. Lost my keys, had to drive to new windsor with edgar. Felt like shit again, cried inside all day. Watched GoT finale. Was pretty good.

Monday the 28th, was shitty. Spent all day thinking about my sickness. Throat hurt, avoided going to the hospital to see gma

Today is going to eat dick simply because of these stupid fucking cunts coming over my house. It really pisses me the fuck off I have to see this stupid cunty realtor dude again. So fucking annoying. They better hurry up and get the fuck out and I swear to god if they’re late ill fucking tell them to fuck off. I dont even care anymore.

Think im just gonna stop talking to everyone. Should just delete my snapchat to be honest. Rid my life of it. Or at least block people. No point in it anymore. I need to just get my life together somehow. I dunno how but I need to stop feeling like this.

Just want it to be tomorrow at this point.

August 30th 2017 Tired. High. Tired some more.

Dont wanan work, just wanna eat something. I wish I could work from home, i’d be so much more productive.

Feeling, “whatever” today, but Its alright I guess.

Labor day weekend, might ask to work from home Tuesday

What are the things that make me sad?

Moving

-Leaving my “childhood” “home”

-Living in long island…

-Kitties :( shitty and annabelle

Papa & Nana dying

Girlfriend cheating

Have nobody

Unhealthy & fat

Wasted 5 yrs of my life

September 3rd 2017 It’s a pain in the ass to remember this shit during the weekends.

Friday I got to work from home, was a decent day i guess. Didnt do much. Started drinking again.

Saturday, bought a new chair, argued with myself about an i7 7700, didnt end up buying it.

Today’s sunday, I woke up had to go to my uncles for the dog. Saw papa. Hes fucked up. Drove around for a little was pretty sad. Thought about you know who and what she did to me. Thopught about living in long island.

Right now im drunk, its 8:22 and Im watching sellout sunday. I’m feeling okay cause I’m drunk.

September 4th 2017 Woke up today, almost bought that i7. Decided not to.

Feeling the usual, don’t wanna work tomorrow, dont wanna take FD test. Whatever. I want more money.

Drunk rn, 4th night of drinking in a row. Should stop after this.

September 5th Another day of work. Im hungry, horny, and tired. I want bacon on a roll right now. Not going to happen though.

Its tuesday. I just want food.

Septemer 6th 2017 Found out my favorite person has cancer. Yesterday. Another wonderful thing in my life.

I wonder how I will feel looking back on this far from now, if i even can, if im not already dead.

Such a shitty time in my life man. Probably the most crucial as well. My life could even go further to shit or I could rebound somehow, even though I dont really see it in me. Worst part is the worst shit hasnt even happened yet. It’s all just oncoming slowly and dreadfully.

Despite the problems today was okay, was gonna go see nana but she said not to, got away with lying about the fd shit. Dad wants me to be a volly or ems. No thank tyou. To much of a pussy.

September 8th 2017 Yesterday wasnt that bad. Until I shit blood.

Yup. Drank and then basically as soon as I got drunk, and pooped, there was blood. A lot of blood.

So now I have that to think about. Just another thing.

September 9th 2017 Woke up at 1 30, went out and drove around for a little. Got alcohol and outback. Might go see IT tonight. Haven’t done anything really productive at all.

Havent pooped blood again, starting to think it was from the margies.

Going to a fire tonight

September 10th 2017 So mom gave me shit today because apparently its “GRANDPARENTS DAY” And im “selfish” because I dont wanna see nana today aka when my crazy psychotic cunt of a mother wants me to.

I fucking am so sick of that bullshit, I cant wait to tell that woman to fuck off. Honestly, it will be one of the greatest days in my life when I can speak my mind to that woman. I am waiting for the day, she says some stupid fuckin retarded bullshit like today, so I can fucking fuck her with logic. But for now I cant.

Last night spent a shit ton of money. Was alright though. Probably wasn’t worth. But whatever. Today, woke up, got bacon, came home, went to brandons, came home got hibachi rice shit, drank, watching cowboys and giants, and soda’s hurricane stream. Tomorrow is another day of work. Not looking forward to Friday cause I have to wake up at 6am and go to the city.

September 12th 2017 Forgot about this shit yesterday. Woke up felt like poo so I worked from home yesterday. Didn’t drink which is good. Played video games all day long.

Today, back at work, watching 9/11 shit. My stomach is fucking dying. Im soooooooo hungry. Shit sucks ass.

September 13th 2017 Hungry as fuck. I really wanna have sex. I just want my penis fully engulfed in a soaking wet puss.

Thats what happens when you dont have sex for 5-6 months I guess.

Cant wait for that shit.

But i prob should go to the doctor.

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