you can watch it in video form too but it would take like 9 minutes

Jun//kyard-gifs is pr//oshi//p. I noticed you'd reblogged from the former but you also made that post about how you don't like those people so I thought I'd let you know! (if you search it up on their blog they have a post saying they are). I'm not saying you did a bad thing! I just wasn't sure if you know.

Ty for letting me know, I’ve already long since taken them and their friends off my radar. I also know that wh*t m*r*le owns j*nky*rd g*fs as well, so if anyone wanted to know that information, you’re free to hear it from me - although they don’t exactly keep it a secret.

I also learned some other things about them allegedly showing some seriously transphobic behaviour towards another community member, though I can’t verify it with any screenshot evidence so I won’t go into too much depth. I’m sure those of you who have been around a lot longer than I are already fully aware of all that stuff though - if it is indeed real and if it did really happen.

Anyways, just thought it was worth letting people know. And yes, I literally don’t care that they’re one of the biggest members of this community - screw ‘em. There are plenty of other archivers on youtube, on the wiki, and on tumblr who you can give your attention to.

In fact, here’s a lovely list:

Carbucketty on Youtube does some excellent video archive work!

@mzlle-punzi sadly doesnt appear to be active anymore, but they’ve kept their blog up along with all the lovely gifsets on it!

Again, another account that doesn’t appear to be in the fandom anymore but still posted plenty of pictures is @thirdplanet (who also posted a nice pr*ship guide for weeding out those users you don’t want to see on your timeline)

@the-cat-at-the-theatre-door also does some spectacular gif archiving and provides resources for new Jellicles joining the fandom!

@ its-that-horrible-cat who also runs The Junkyard Discord Server does plenty of archive work too, and that server on the whole is great for finding obscure shit

AND, there are plenty of wonderful artists here, too! like:

@nunsongici

@gayalonzo

@kesoo

@chaos-smith2

@ zippu1-draws​

And just so many other awesome people in the fandom who aren’t pr*ship. Hope you find something new!!

i either transfer to another school or i drop out i can't stand this particular school anymore and the education system is so unforgiving. there is no room for shitty mental health and this is probably universal but especially so here ... its unbearable and sometimes im like you know what i just need to push through another year (another 2 years now since im repeating the year) but i cry every morning dragging myself to school and by the time im back i have no more energy left in me and i go straight to bed and its the same thing 5 times in a row and then friday night im like "finally i can fucking breathe" and then sat im mostly ok until i realise the day after tmr would be back to school again and then sunday im an utter mess and its just the same old painful routine and my absenteeism is ridiculous and every time i try accounting for it my teacher questions it in the most accusatory tone like i already dont feel shit enough. and the worst part is i dont have a proper official diagnosis for whatever tf brain slump im in and im too terrified of a confirmation or like having to face the stigma but like fuck it really sucks to be me dont it. like im an optimist which i dont believe myself lol and i have so much gratitude in me like i am thankful for being a part of this universe and being part of the human experience and for the sudden moments of peace and clarity (like on sat my best friend and i just lay down outside the mall for like 3 hours like wow we really be going through shit and for once i felt so invincible and determined) its just for once i wish i got it together. like i wish i mustered the courage to do something drastic and find myself and find something that excites me that makes me feel good about myself and this life that ive been blessed with. i wish i just stopped giving a fuck about people and learn to run my own damn race i wish i could just make art 24/7. my dumb ass doodles my stupid ass art blog keeps me fucking THRIVING thats how im coping and i turn to the notes and the asks and the compliments to feel valid which is okay but not the most secure sense of gratification i guess. all i do is try to escape and dissociate through dumb youtube videos and in my head i have fantasies of a life where im a functioning human with goals and people i trust and a pretty face (which also doesnt matter). sometimes im afraid i daydream too much i might 1 day lose touch of reality and become deranged. this is so fucking long and tumblr presents as the most perfect Vent Space its just perfect which is probably unhealthy bc i need to deal w shit instead of complaining but its the concept of putting your deep seated feelings N thoughts out there on a public platform (even tho no ones gonna read all this shit) while at the same time being fully anonymous or at least disconnected from your real-time self and its so comforing and it feels like im actually getting it out and self reflecting probably not the best coping mechanism but at least im coping. i hope. been in bed all day ate half a pint of ben N jerrys feel like crap but im gonna eat something again blast some sappy lofi tunes clean my room make some art force myself to finish my project and do the best i fucking can every moment from now on

Episode 18 - Finale - “praying Devon's fricking cat was gonna knock him tf over” - Matt S.

Holy Fucken Potatoes. Those three rounds were crazy. That immunity challenge was fun but my dumb as was putting astrological instead of astrology but i got to the 4th clue. The youtube video pretty fast but Timmy was quicker and I was happy for him to win. Luckily we had a plan already set which was to target Cullan. It was a 4-3 vote which was suprising cuz thought it would have been a 5-2 vote. The 10 minute to talk was very awkward and weird but oh well. The challenge unscramble was soo hard and my paper looked crazy. Im happy i have immunity for this f6 vote but i feel sad and guilty for snakely taking it away from Timmy. He tbh deserves this immunity but spelling typo has handed it to me. Which im grateful though. Timmy is my ride or die in this game and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he survives this round without being targeted and help us reach the final 2 together. Theres more tea but for now, Timmy knows that I have the cote steal and he is the only one that does. More info tomorrow.

I’m legit flipping my game upside down right now. Matt wants to go to final 4 with me, him, Timmy, and Maynor. which like sis are you TRYING to lose this game? Like even if we did that, why the FUCK would anyone vote for Matt over TIMMY? Obviously idk where the jury’s heads are at but..I have a feeling they’re not gonna enjoy voting for Matt right now. So I’ve decided to take this horse by the reigns (making red coats redder with blood stains) bc fuck it I’ve already beat my tumblr survivor placement and I know I’m not winning a F3 immunity comp, so if I’m gonna go down with this ship before FTC, I’m not going down without a fight. I’m working with Devon. I KNOW RIGHT?! Who knew? As of now I’m going to manipulate this so either Timmy/Chips leaves, OR we send it rocks and Devon uses his power to take one of them out. I know Devon wants to use his power because he thinks it’ll look like a big move at F5 to the jury, but sis if I tie the vote? And get you to use your power to my advantage? That’s my move. At least that’s how I’d look at it as a juror. In short, snake Madison, Lady Madbeth, any other nickname for my villain side that’s been given to me thus far, is coming out at Final 5. And it’s going to make or break my game, but I’m gonna have a BLAST either way. 

I cannot believe I've made it this far. A lot of us were expecting a live tribal, and I was in between plans to do either Chips or Cullan. I realized though in voting for Chips I'd be getting rid of someone I could trust over someone I couldn't trust at all. Sorry I screwed over Madison in the process but I had to do what I knew was best for ME. It's not pairs anymore unfortunately and a lot of my problems earlier had to do with allowing myself to be tethered to somneone else. It's an individual game and I have to do what I have to. I'm so glad Chips is here because he wants to do Timmy and so does Madison. He's definitely the biggest player here and I like him, but he's dangerous. It's just about convincing Devon to vote with us, which is something I consistently cannot do because Devon be a little cray cray and hard to reason with. 

It looks like the ‘majority’ should be voted Devon out. Devon should be voting Chips. Is that really gunna happen? I Don’t Fucken Know TBH. Devon said that Matt and Chips were voting for Timmy. Which means Madison will also be voting that way as well if its true. There is a whole lot of mess right now and Im hoping that Timmy doesnt go tonight. His my #1 and I would be 100% vulnerable the next couple rounds if he leaves tonight. Im trying my hardest to get the votes to stay on Devon.

---

This is fucken nuts. Matt wants to take out Timmy for being a threat and Timmy wants me to use my vote steal to help him. Im trying to keep vote on Devon so Timmy would be able to stay. I need him here but also dont want Madison and Matt mad at me and vote me out 4th or 5th. I dont know what to do. I’m just ahhhhhhhh.

---

Operation Save Timmy’s Ass. Is good to go. I was able to convince Matt that Timmy had an Idol. So plan is to ‘flush this fake idol’ but vote for Devon. The vote should end up being 4-2. I hope this works. I busts my ass for 3 something hours trying to save Timmy. Id be livid if it doesnt work.

So I’m probably going home tonight and it’s not lit. Of course I would be getting 6th, stay shook America. Maynor is too trusting for his own good I think, like I don’t believe Matt when he tells maynor that he believes maynor when he says I have an idol bc let’s be real...that’s just too convenient. But Devon does have the tie thing or does he but I know maynor has the vote steal. I want him to use it tonight but also I want him to save himself in final 5 if I’m not there because it’s his advantage and he deserves to use it to Hepburn himself. I just don’t want go to jury right now because fuck, I’ve been trying so hard in this game and it’s just the so close yet so far of it all.

Alright, so yesterday there was a live challenge that was a scavenger hunt. The first clue had you look at the astrology page and then solve a slide puzzle. For some reason no matter how slow I took it or how much I paid attention to detail my youtube video would not work. So I ended up not getting past that clue.

Timmy won individual immunity because I guess his video worked. And then we were told that there was a twistos twist where we had to vote without talking before casting the vote. Luckily for me Devon had already considered this eventuality and had already brought it to my attention that it was a possibility. The thing is that when he brought it up he didn't say anything else to my response. I assumed this would mean I was getting the vote for the night...

And, it did Devon and Cullan both voted for me with one person from the "other" group of Matt and Madison. I just went with my instinct and voted Cullan since I assumed he'd be most likely to get votes. And he did. After that we were told we would immediately move into another immunity challenge! This one was like a decoder for a line of words. I was figuring it out pretty good and then my internet decided to crap out on me... so I was trying to fix that so I could be on the hangout since I thought I had to be on the hangout to progress in the challenge - I dunno.

Anyway, whenever my internet came back it was announced that Timmy had won immunity! I was pretty much set at that point to target Devon as the vote since I don't think anyone wants to particularly vote for Maynor... ... then it was announced that he did in fact not win immunity and Maynor swooped in and claimed it!

So I kind of had it in my head that maybe this might be the round to vote out Timmy since he's showing (especially the last two challenges) that he could finish out the season in an immunity run. I think it's better to have the option of voting someone out if you want to as opposed to being forced to vote out someone else. Also there's the fact that he and Maynor have a tight final two and that makes very little space to budge for others. Anyway, I touch base with Madison (who is now speaking with me about stuff, believe it or not) and she admits that she was the third vote for me and that she had voted for me before Matt had changed his mind on a plan to vote me out. I thanked her for her honesty. Alright, so then Matt approached me asking what I was thinking for the vote and I decided that since he saved me and I saved him... that why not be honest with someone. I told him I was considering Timmy. And that I just wasn't sure how exactly to swing it. Then he let me know that he and Madison were down for that. So I was pretty shocked that a plan could work out. Then Devon started freaking out - he told me that he is going to vote for me. Then I get back online a bit later and apparently he's flipped his vote to Timmy. He wants to vote out Timmy because he thinks that Timmy and Maynor and I are in a trio and apparently (got this from Matt and Madison) thinks that I am going to be playing an idol so he feels safer targeting Timmy. And now Timmy is basically telling me to please not vote him.. and things are awkward because he's telling me all of this "I've never voted you stuff" and I'm really not sure he'd understand that I'm doing it for game reasons. But I don't want to tell him that I'm voting him because Devon's already done enough damage being extra I don't want to give Timmy and Maynor (by extension) a shot at it. Anyway.. if everything works out I guess Timmy gets a majority vote with four people voting for him? If it doesn't then we could see something wonky with people not voting how they've said. Maybe I'll be voted out this time? If I am I'd be really shocked but then kind of not... or you know, maybe somebody else entirely... like Matt or Madison? Or maybe some people in my "group" will lose their nerve and Devon? I guess tribal will be exciting regardless. Anyway, I think it's hilarious that Devon wanted to target me because he's sure I'll be winning this game whenever I'm sitting here in the knowledge that I can't.

TIMMY IS VOTED OUT

I am extremely sad right now. I lost Timmy in this game and him leaving knowing we cant talk like normal is ugh. I want to get Matt and Madison back for and send them home 5th and 4th but atlas that me being emotional. Im just shutting everyone out until i get myself back together.

This was a crazy round with the instant tribal then the immediate immunity. At first I felt like I had to get chips out, but in the end Timmy was the way bigger threat strategy wise. Chips definitely has the better story and the most adversity to get here but Timmy is good at immmunity and had Maynor as an extra vote every time. Last 5 just have to find a way to get to the end. 

This challenge is ugly. The only good thing is everyone is having trouble so hopefully im able to get points high enough to win.

---

Welp. Never mind. I doubt my bs of a list will win me immunity. I suck at this challenge and i just hope it doesnt cause my vote out.

---

It looks like its suppose to be Devon tonight which is alright with me. I just hope that it isn’t me going home. Ive made it this far and dont want to be cut short like right here towards the end. Matt said he would never vote for me so Im trusting him a lot right now that he’s going to keep me. Im just plain nervous right now. 

---

All this got crazy in the last few minutes. Its still between Devon and Chips so thats all I care about. And looks like Matt would be the target if he doesnt in immunity in f4. So i think im good for f3. Cross my fingers. I can make it.

Alright, so that immunity challenge with the massive amount of letters and discovering Survivor players turned out to be too much for me. So I flopped and scored a 1. I feel close with Matt so I think he won't vote me out and he's the one with immunity, so I guess technically the one who calls the most shots? Apparently he and Maynor already discussed it and they are going to vote Devon. So Devon was told that he is leaving and sent me a weird message about how I won a game of tug-of-war with him but that he is voting me to win the game if I am in the final tribal council. I told him I did not understand the metaphor...mostly because I have not been pulling at "the rope" and he has... three rounds in a row. I wanted to go to the END with Devon up until that "live no hands tribal" stuff. I'm pretty aware that I am at the mercy of all of the other players and if I make it through this round I have to do my best to find in-roads to have a guarantee that I at least get to do a fire making if I get to the final four. I let Matt know that I want to go to the end with him and hope that builds up enough trust that he will want to take me. I took that opportunity to openly admit that I know the negative view of me as a player and that I have no shot and he and I compared some of Devon's notes and how Devon thinks that I am the most threatening person in the end... for some reason. Also Devon let Matt know that in the chopping block order it would go me and then Matt - I'm not entirely sure how strategy factors into sharing that information given that he wants Matt to not vote him. Honestly, I'd be shocked if Devon was even actually voting me if I made final tribal council and is not using it as some sort of ploy to try and swing people to his side to get me out this round only. Excited to see if this round shakes out unanimously against Devon, if they vote me instead, or if an idol is played by somebody?? Or FOR somebody.

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. I dont know what to do. Devon just offered to be f4 boot if Matt wins immunity next round. I might take it up and vote Chips cuz he is a threat and then hopefully take out Devon next round.

---

This crazy as mess. But looks like itll be a tamed vote 4-1. Perhaps.

CHIPS IS VOTED OUT

Final Immunity Challenge is tonight and Im very nervous for it because I want to win it to make sure I’m in the final 2. If not Ill be very paranoid the whole time until the vote. I dont want to go home 4th when Im just one tribal away. I know Matt has my back and Madison made a promise but both of them have lied to me so they could easily be doing so now. I just have to try and win it for myself or I have to make sure it isnt me next.

Well here it’s the last shot to guarantee a spot in the final. Almost 2 months has come down to one night to ensure you make it to the end. I have to be honest when I saw the cast I was a little out of depth for myself. So many motivated individuals and so many chances to go home. But 20 people have gone before me and there are 4 left, it has been a journey for sure. So many people wanted this position and now I have to take it, or else it’s bye bye time. If Matt wins it almost guarantees him the finals win with his character arc. From having a majority and smooth sailing his allies went home one after another. He was at the bottom and he held on and eventually controlled the game at the end until last round where an hour before tribal I was going home. But I was able to convince Madison and Maynor that chips was the bigger threat and Matt went along with it. It’s been a ride and I sure hope it’s not over! 

Im literally hoping I can pull of a win for the last immunity. I just want safety for the last round. My heart is pounding cuz friend picked me up and he fucked stopped to sit down to fucken eat food in less than a hr before the challenge. I might die if he eliminates me from the this final immunity. 

Devon: was shot in the shoulder and can’t do a pressure cooker me: has muscular dystrophy and can’t do a pressure cooker. my game ends here folks

Tonight is the night and I literally just went to the bathroom just to make sure there are no bodily inhibitors to me succeeding in beating Devon (and hopefully everyone else) so that I can guarantee myself a spot in the F3. I have never ever in my life come this close and it's so so so crazy. I'm proud of the way I played and hopefully I won't have to start exploring contingency plans on what happens if fricking Devon steals a spot from the MMM alliance. I truly feel that it would be me going home. 

---

I swear to god I was sitting there, on the eve of my 2 year anniversary with my partner, praying Devon's fricking cat was gonna knock him tf over. Waking up and seeing Maynor won is an absolute ray of sunshine because I was SO worried it would come to a point where I would have to go to a tiebreaker with Maynor or Madison whom I love or just probably end up going home. Not to say there isn't still a chance that things don't go my way here, but I think it not only makes strategic sense to eliminate Devon, but also I just have faith in the bond I've formed with M&M that they will take me through to the final 3. From there, I don't know what will happen, but I can honestly say I'm proud.

I won the Final Fucken Immunity. Im so happy. It was my first ever doing an endurance comp. I wanted to give it my all and I was luckily able to win. Now what to do Madison, Matt or Devon? Matt has been one of my closest allies in this game. But he can be seen as the ‘leader’ of the endgame. Theres Madison who played kinda like me, only got 1 vote, and a huge social threat. Devon has been playing a lackluster game and idk if he would win but has friends in the jury. Gunna be a tough choice.

---

I have to go on a date today with a slight limp. Thanks for that you guys. 🙃 So it looks like Madison is giving me the power who to tell her to vote for. Im leaning towards Devon now because this comp performance was very good and could get peoples votes in the end. I feel like I can dismantle his game more than Devons.

Well this is is it, I should have tried harder in that challenge I just was getting so tired I was gonna pass out from being so tired. Now I am in the predicament where it’s me or matt tonight. The plan was since f6 for it to be me Madison and Maynor but I feel that slipping a little today. I really believe I will more than likely take another 4th place. I have done my plea and I do really feel matt will win in the end if he gets there. I guess I just couldn’t keep my foot in the game. 

DEVON IS VOTED OUT

Well. Matt stayed. I hope it was a mistake to keep Matt. I wanted out M&M&M alliance to be f3. Hope im able to gwt enough votes to win.

This truly could be the game that I actually win. I felt in the beginning that I was in a better mindset to play Survivor and that I had a good idea of how I was gonna play the game lined up. Of course that was thrown away almost instantly thanks to twists but I still kept the attitude. This game has been all about growth for me, finding idols, winning immunity, making genuine relationships with people, it's all new to me, and it's not the same person I was in Maluku, Ancient Greece, or even Solomon Islands; although this is the first game I've played on anti-anxiety medication so maybe that was the ticket for me. I can say with certainty that it's the best game I've played and that I truly believe I am the best of the three finalists, and maybe Maynor would agree with me considering he tried to pull a fast one on me AND blame it on Madison. All I can do now is present myself in the best way I possibly can, own my game, and hope the relationships I've built will get me the win.

I dont know if we need to do anymore of these but heres one. Maybe ill do one more. Idk. Its crazy that I made it to ftc. Do I have a chance of winning. I dont know but someone told me to be confident in the game i played and be proud. Im going to try and do that. Havent had much luck in these ftc. Im just happy I made it to the end. I hope i have a chance to win. 

Death isn’t pretty nor is it peaceful. its load, startling, and slow. you feel useless and yet you’re doing everything you can at the same time. you’re scared but everyone is. you’re load too and its hard to be quiet but you’re trying so hard cause she isn’t having a good time and you don’t want to stress her out while shes already laying in a puddle of mucus, saliva, and you think stomach acid. all you can do is pet her face and tell her shes a good girl and she’ll be okay. your mom isn’t helping and almost antagonizes you but you have to be there for her cause shes scared- who wouldn’t be scared? Shes a dog, she already doesn’t know whats going on or how to tell you, let alone why or what is actually happening. shes fighting something- she snarls and growls and screams, her lips curl up in such a way you only saw once and it was right before she attacked that bird right out of the sky. Dad comes home and gives you a hug but you’re so numb you can’t feel it. he doesnt want you getting too close because he doesnt think she knows what shes doing and later you’ll learn he was right. it takes hours to find a vet and than it turns out they are booked so your mom is on hold for thirty minutes with the humain society. the entire time shes moaning when she isnt sleeping- you think shes sleeping, shes breathing like shes sleeping and snores but it could have been the foam in her mouth muffling the snarls she makes at Death or her imagination or her situation. She growled at siturations- your sister not being home, being told she can’t go outside, being put in the wheel chair. She slowly throws her head back and for a moment you pray to God its a nightmare because the sounds she makes and the way her eyes roll back and the foam and the smell all make movies like The Grudge or The Conjuring look tame or even heart warming. She moves her legs as if to stand up and you ask if it would be a good idea to move her off her side and onto her belly. its decided this could be dangerous so you sit and pet her back. this goes on and on and on like a broken record or a video on loop. the silence, the moaning, the snarling, the head roll. you clean up the puddle as best you can and you rush to the toilet to vomit. you’re sure its not just mucus, stomach acid, and saliva now. a dark and twisted- no, terrifying!- thought enters your mind: you don’t want her to survive this. This is suffering. the damage will be too much. your mom says you’re not being realistic because you want her to describe the situation to the people on the phone instead of just saying “Our dog is dying.” so you scream. you scream and wail and hug yourself because your dog is suffering and you can’t help her. you dog is suffering and you can’t help her. your dog is suffering. and you can’t help her. she cries and screams and snarls all at once and you’re sure that sound will haunt you forever. you go back to petting her and cleaning the fluids away from her mouth. theres bits of flesh. you don’t acknowledge them since no one else did and the silence explains that every did indeed see them. mom gets though and she says two people are coming. you tell Bear she is going to be okay, that there are people she isn’t going to like because they are strangers coming to help her. she barks a sad bark that gets cut off by her gargling on foam you wipe away. shes quiet after that, but the head rolls continue and at one point she puts her paw on you. you think she wants you to hold it so you do. you’ll find out soon she wasn’t aware you were there or that you were holding her paw. you don’t know what to do so you trim her nails; she never let you trim the ones on her back leg so you do that. the others are fine. she has a matted chunk of fur you never saw on this paw. you trim it up and hear the sound of a truck stopping near the house. you go outside and two women in MHS uniform walk up: they see you crying and understand, one of them had a pet die recently. they ask dad if its okay to go inside, if theres other pets, what the situation is besides “the dog is dying”. when they come in your sister tells Bear “Bear, i know you’re not gonna like this, but there are TWO strangers here!” and she doesn’t react. the one lady speaks to dad while the other speaks to you and your sister. its explained they are going strait to the humain society with Bear because of her condition. Bear doesn’t loll her head, but she is pressing into Haley’s knee. Its explain she will be put down at the society. Its explained since they are taking her you can’t be with Bear in the room when they euthanize her. you remember how angry you got at a class mate when they said they hated these people for euthanizing dogs and you want to show him Bear. you want to scream at him “You think she can survive this?”. the lady says something about a paw print and it is explained unless we want to Take The Body Back you can’t have the ashes. you think about that and almost vomit right there in the living room while you pet Bear. Haley breaths out “fuck” and shes crying just as much as you. Haley says we can’t wait to take her some place else and the ladies agree. you want to go with them but you can’t, its not allowed. you want Bear’s ashes but the thought of going in, getting Her Body, and Holding On To It Until You Or Your Parents Or Sister Find A Cremation Service horrifies you and one of the ladies expresses she herself could never do that- she would break. Bear is going to be cremated with all the other dogs that need to be cremated At The End Of The Month. They have a guy that comes by. they’re going to send you a paw print- they were going to do that if you wanted it or not. Bear lolls her head and presses into Haley’s knee again. Dad asks how much this will all cost and the second lady leaves. “we don’t charge”. the lady comes back with a blanket and a rope leash you’ve seen on that Animal Planet show where they follow around Humaine society members and film them working. you tell Bear they have a blanket, just for her! the lady loops the rope leash around Bear’s neck and mom finally sees Bear. she asks all these questions that haley answers “thats how its been all morning.” Bear gets muzzled and the two women hoist her up onto the blanket and wrap her up. her nose sticks out and you reach out to wipe the foam from her chin but they move away and take her to the van. you follow them out and your legs are trembling. Haley says good bye first and thats when you learn Bear Had A Stroke. A very bad Stroke. Shes seen it lots of times. her own dog died of it. seeing a dog go though a stroke is terrifying. when they survive its heartwarming but they never survive ones this bad. mom says she wants to give Bear a treat. “She wouldn’t eat it. shes checked out up here.” she taps her head. “She doesn’t even know shes been moved. She probably doesn’t even hear your daughter, ma’am.” Haley gets out of the van and you climb in. you rest your head on Bear’s neck and tell her how much you lover her, how she was always a good girl. How you’ll see her again. “not soon” you assure her because you know Bear was always worried about you. she did everything she could to be by your side. “I’ll be okay. You’re going to be okay too!” you tell her and you’re positive she isn’t breathing anymore. you pet her again and climb you. the humanie society lady gives you a hug and it takes you a minute but you hug her back. she has good advice and assures your family you took great care of Bear. they say if you need anything to call them, and they remind you that if you get mail from them not to throw it out- it’s Bear’s paw print. the van leaves and you wail into your dad’s chest. mom ushers everyone inside and you stare at Bear’s food bowl. She didn’t get to eat breakfast. you and your sister sit in her room. you cry and shutter as you watch youtube on the xbox. it hits you that you should eat something but the thought of going into the living room rips a scream from you. your sister gets yo some water- she gets you three glasses of water- and she makes parsnip chips. you can barely sip the water and you eat the chips because you havn’t eaten all day since 9am and its 4pm now. you realize how long Bear suffered and you want to vomit. you realize how long Bear suffered. and you want to vomit. eventually Haley wants to go to bed, so you get up. you don’t want to be alone, you don’t want to be alone, she didn’t get to have breakfast she isn’t here anymore she wasn’t even aware you were comforting her you were useless and powerless you decide to stare at the ceiling as you walk into the living room and notice how quiet it is now that Bear isn’t barking you pawing at the standing fan trying to knock it down because she didn’t like it. you make yourself some chicken nuggets and fall to your knees in a silent scream. you go non verbal as your sister comes in to give you the water you left in her room and she hugs you. you eat your nuggets. you stare at Bear’s bed. you decide to make a tumblr post.

Death isn’t quiet and peaceful. Death is hearing your dog scream as she has a stroke.