#it's the uncertainty principle okay
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Okay, chapter 56 of Saezuru!
First, I just want to give a huge thanks to @itwearsadress for providing such a quick and amazing translation for all of us!
So, this chapter was extremely, extremely interesting.
My main impression here is that, while there's definitely been a breakthrough of sorts between Yashiro and Doumeki, there's still a great deal of fear and uncertainty in both of them. The entire first half of this chapter was Yashiro trying, in vain, to avoid Doumeki's probing questions. To me, Yashiro came across as really terrified, and I think that terror was coming from the genuine belief that Doumeki was just messing with him, basically using his new found knowledge of Yashiro's impotency as a way to be unkind. Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't bother Yashiro, at least, not consciously, but he's in love with Doumeki. Really, really deeply in love. And we see what his perception that Doumeki is being intentionally cruel is doing to him. It's Yashiro's attempt to shield himself from that kind of hurt, the hurt of loving and not being loved in return, that's making him so resistant at first. I really, truly think Yashiro doesn't know that Doumeki loves him, at this point, and I think maybe he's never, truly known it. We have to remember, Yashiro's self-image is completely warped. He's believed all his life that he's not a person worthy of love, or even capable of being loved. His experience with Kage only served to reinforce that notion in his head.
I'll get more into this in a minute. But first, I want to talk about Doumeki's internal thoughts at the beginning, and what I think it means for the end of the chapter. Doumeki says to himself that he's been concealing his emotions to keep Yashiro from running away. Basically, we finally get a definitive answer explaining why Doumeki's been so cold to Yashiro. It's not so much that Doumeki is afraid of Yashiro's rejection, or that he's angry at Yashiro for that rejection, but more so that he just doesn't want to create a situation again in which Yashiro runs from him. He's trying to keep Yashiro at his side. At the end of the chapter, when Yashiro asks him what kind of sex this is that they're having, Doumeki very deliberately says that he's "a man without principles" and that he's just doing this to have sex. He's saying there's no emotion involved. That he's not "in love" with Yashiro and wanting to have sex with him because of it, but simply that he gets physical gratification from having sex with Yashiro, and that's it. I think Doumeki is saying here what he thinks Yashiro wants him to say, or what he wants to hear, because he thinks it's what will keep Yashiro around.
Basically, it seems to me that while there's some unspoken understanding between them, I think they're both still very much pretending here. Even if Doumeki suspects or knows that Yashiro cares for him, he still thinks Yashiro wants to pretend there's no emotion involved. That that's what's required to keep Yashiro with him.
The awful thing is, this is exactly the opposite of what Yashiro actually wants.
Yashiro's almost startled look after Doumeki says this, followed by a sort of sad resignation, makes me think that he believes it. Because when they first met, Yashiro plainly stated that anyone who developed feelings for him would be turned out. I think Yashiro looks sadly resigned here because he wants Doumeki to tell him he loves him again, he wants Doumeki to tell him he cares about him, but he doesn't, and Yashiro no doubt blames himself for that. I think Yashiro is, once again, resigning himself to the idea that whatever chance he had with Doumeki, he blew. He wants the Doumeki from before, who so openly expressed his love for him, but he seems to really believe that chance has passed him by. That he's ruined it. . He WANTS Doumeki to tell him he loves him, but if he can't and won't, he'll take the next best thing, which is just having Doumeki with him. So he just accepts it. He just accepts this idea that Doumeki has no feeling for him beyond the mutual, physical pleasure they share.
Now back to the first half of the chapter and what it tells us about Yashiro's state of mind.
Yashiro looks truly mortified for a moment when Doumeki shows him the memory card and asks him if he knows what's on it, before falling back into an apathetic attitude. That one panel where we get a close up of Yashiro's eyes shows us almost a moment of panic from him, and I think that comes from the sudden realization that Doumeki must now know he's impotent with everyone but him. I think this causes panic in Yashiro, again, because he desperately doesn't want to have to face Doumeki's rejection, and so he doesn't want Doumeki to know he has feelings for him. Doumeki discovering that Yashiro can't get it up with Inami, or anyone else, is tantamount to Doumeki discovering that Yashiro has feelings for him, which leaves Yashiro vulnerable to Doumeki's rejection. So we see Yashiro go into an extremely defensive mode at this point, pretending to brush it off, acting like he doesn't care if Doumeki watches it, acting like he's not ashamed or embarrassed. Yashiro's acting unbothered, but he's clearly freaking out inside. When Doumeki presses, saying "It seems that it's quite different with me", we again get a close up of Yashiro's eyes, showing a panicked, desperate expression, before he again tries to brush it off as just that "sort of play", trying to paint it as meaningless. Again, he's trying desperately to hide his feelings for Doumeki, to keep Doumeki from discovering those feelings. I think Yashiro's attempts at evasion here need to be understood through the lens of Yashiro's fear, and his belief that Doumeki doesn't care about him anymore. He thinks if Doumeki realizes Yashiro loves him, he'll either purposefully use it to hurt him, or just hurt him through rejection. So he keeps playing it off as no big deal.
But Doumeki keeps pressing, because he knows Yashiro is putting on an act here. He asks Yashiro why it is he's so satisfied with him, and again, Yashiro looks panicked. I think the following exchange is really important to understanding what's going on here with Yashiro specifically.
He knows he's trapped now. I think he knows Doumeki realizes that he can only get it up with him because he has feelings for him. We see again a resigned defeat in Yashiro's expression when Doumeki asks him if he remembers how many times he came. The important thing here is that, after answering that he doesn't, Doumeki says he doesn't either, and again, we see Yashiro's eyes up close, looking startled and hurt, and he slips again into pretending like none of it matters. Again, he becomes defensive, saying sarcastically that Doumeki is just being "mean" now. But Yashiro's expression here is very telling. He's smiling when he says the above line, but I think he means it. I think Yashiro's feelings are genuinely hurt. He thinks Doumeki is messing with him on purpose at this point. That he's rubbing it in, maybe to get back at Yashiro for how he treated him before the time skip. I think this exchange is, once again, reinforcing for Yashrio the belief that he's ruined any chance he might have had to be with Doumeki, and turned Doumeki against him, to the point that he thinks Doumeki wants to hurt him.
Doumeki meanwhile seems to be getting frustrated with Yashiro's continued evasion. We see his hands curling into fists when he asks Yashiro from what point it was he started to feel his body had chemistry with Doumeki's. He wants Yashiro to just confess that he has feelings for him, but Yashiro won't do it. I think, from Yashiro's perspective, he thinks Doumeki is just continuing to rub it in and is enjoying this, needling Yashiro, messing with him. Doumeki isn't, but again, this is from Yashiro's perspective. So we see Yashiro, again, get defensive, lashing out by asking Doumeki about his woman. Yashiro's hurt is obvious here. He's upset that Doumeki seems to be screwing with him, using his feelings against him, and so he lets his hurt over Doumeki's involvement with his woman come out. Again, it reeks of desperation on Yashiro's part. He's trying anything and everything to protect himself from the pain Doumeki's causing him, but he's only exposing himself further by doing so.
And Doumeki again calls him out on it, observing that it's unusual for Yashiro to show an interest in his personal life. Doumeki has Yashiro trapped again, basically telling him that he knows Yashiro is lying by acting like he doesn't care. Yashiro is on the back foot during this entire exchange. And again Yashiro gets incredibly defensive, this time standing up and trying to end the conversation. He knows he's got no way out of this now, no way to pretend any longer that he doesn't care, so he tries to escape it by fleeing. But Doumeki doesn't let him.
We once more see Yashiro lash out defensively, tearing away from Doumeki and telling him what he does in his life has nothing to do with him. His hurt again shows itself when he tells Doumeki that he's got no reason to "fuck" him anymore and that he should just go do it with his woman. Again, I think this exchange is super important. Yashiro is showing once more that he genuinely still thinks Doumeki doesn't care for him. His jealousy over Doumeki's woman is his despair over losing Doumeki coming out. We see once more Yashiro's resigned expression when Doumeki tells him that just like it's not his business who Yashiro has sex with, it's not Yashiro's business either who Doumeki has sex with. Yashiro's resigned expression here tells me again that he thinks he's lost Doumeki. I think Yashiro is operating during this entire exchange with the belief that Doumeki is just there to torment him. That's backed up by Yashiro's next words, when he asks Doumeki what it is he came there to do, and then accuses him of being there just to confirm that Yashiro can't get it up with anyone else and "take pity" on him. Yashiro's expression becomes one of apathy again as he says this. It's clear he's trying to shield himself. He thinks Doumeki is trying to hurt him.
But Doumeki of course isn't trying to hurt Yashiro, he's trying to get him to admit his feelings, and he just keeps pressing, because he knows he has Yashiro trapped.
One more really important exchange happens here, I think, when Doumeki presses Yashiro about how sex doesn't feel good to him with anyone else but him. Yashiro says "So what if that's true? You... You were only doing this to satisfy my sexual urges. What benefit is there to you?"
Doumeki's expression is startled here when Yashiro says this, and then in the next panel, it becomes soft, even sad. I think Doumeki realizes in that moment that Yashiro really believes that Doumeki never had any, real feelings for him, and that he only ever wanted to have sex with him for Yashiro's benefit, not because he was genuinely attracted to or in love with him. I think Yashiro's words here break Doumeki's heart, because of how truly sad that is.
And I think that sadness in Doumeki is compounded by his own belief that he can't just tell Yashiro he loves him. He says, in response, "The body chemistry is mutual". It's the best he can do without actually saying he loves Yashiro, because he still thinks, if he says that, Yashiro will run away. He doesn't realize how much Yashiro WANTS to hear Doumeki say it. Like I said, they're both still pretending here, because they both are still operating under false beliefs about the other. Yashiro under the belief that Doumeki doesn't love him and never has, and Doumeki under the belief that Yashiro will again run away if he confesses his feelings.
And then comes the big moment that everyone keeps talking about, which is an indirect confession from Yashiro of his feelings for Doumeki, when Doumeki says in reply to Yashiro's accusation that Doumeki has said some cruel things to him, "You liked cruel things, didn't you?"
I think Yashiro's expressions here are vital to understanding this exchange too.
Again, Yashiro, for a moment before his answer, looks stricken. The thing is, Yashiro DOESN'T like cruel things. He wants Doumeki, and he wants the Doumeki of before, the one who was so kind toward him. But he can't ask for that, because he still thinks Doumeki doesn't care about him, and he can't leave himself open to the kind of pain he'll experience with the rejection of his feelings. The next panel shows Yashiro with what I would call a resigned smile on his face as he says "I do". I think this is Yashiro saying he likes cruel things still, because he thinks it's the only way he'll get Doumeki now. This new version of Doumeki that doesn't love him, but is willing to have sex with him. It is an indirect confession on Yashiro's part, but it's once again predicated on Yashiro laboring under the belief that Doumeki doesn't love him.
It's really kind of a catch-22 between them, because Doumeki doesn't think he can say he loves Yashiro without driving him away, even as it seems he knows Yashiro cares for him, and Yashiro wants Doumeki to say he loves him, but can't bring himself to ask for it because he thinks Doumeki doesn't love him.
Basically, it's still a mess between them, even as we see a kind of acceptance happen at last in this chapter.
I think people tend to forget that Saezuru is, by and large, a tragedy, and there's a definite air of tragedy to this chapter. A lot of the expressions between Yashiro and Doumeki strike me as heartbreaking, resigned, sad, fearful, etc... I think that kind of encapsulates the general feeling of this chapter. It's definite progress, but it's progress that's still greatly hampered by misunderstanding.
Another amazing and nuanced chapter from Yoneda. I'm extremely eager to see what comes with chapter 57. I'm happy we'll be getting the next chapter at the end of March!
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Reacting to and correcting the worst Law of Assumption post on Tumblr.
Hello, my loves. For sexyandhedonistic's 2nd anniversary (Sept 1st) I thought it would be fun to revisit one of my very first posts to point and laugh at as someone who was terribly misinformed when first joining the community. I have stated on multiple occasions that I have outgrown so many of my terrible beliefs and it's always such a relief to see that I know better now. Anyway, let's get into it.
The correct way to manifest
Hi again! Today I wanted to address something that I feel I should elaborate a bit more on, partially as a disclaimer and partially as something that is crucial to remember. I know plenty of newbies in the community are rendered susceptible to what different people have to say about what to do and how to do it and it creates uncertainty, self doubt and disorientation.
We all know what the law of assumption is and what it means: what you assume to be true, is. This is no exception for the ways in which you feel are best to manifest. Although I strongly endorse studying Neville Goddard's work to acquire a steady foundation of what the law is and how to work with it, you don’t need to be familiar with his teachings to manifest but I will continue to be an advocate for such. That said, here’s the secret:
You create the rules
I've previously stated how I feel about "you create the rules" so I won't explain again but to recap:
It doesn't make sense!
Not only for the reasons I listed in the link above but because there is a distinction between rules and principle. People often interchange the two so to them something like "I don't need to feel the wish fulfilled" may feel like a third eye-opening revolutionary take and to think otherwise is limiting because of whatever reason but when you know the law.. it really isn't. It's silly, in fact. And you know something? I would've thought this was revolutionary two years ago. It just makes sense doesn't it? If I assume I don't need to feel then that should be okay because the law of assumption means whatever you assume must be true etc etc. (Yes I was one of those people who thought loopholing the law of assumption just made sense.) Before anyone thinks I'm bringing up a really hot new idea (I don't need to feel the wish fulfilled) let me explain why that doesn't make sense:
Feeling means to accept, so what do you mean you don't need to accept something as true for it to manifest.../?!!?? You see why something like this is quite literally nonsensical? Please, pleaseeeee read about the law of assumption from someone who doesn't film themselves speaking [hint: Neville Goddard or Edward Art] before you risk looking ignorant the way I unfortunately did when I first joined this community. I cannot tell you the amount of disappointingly misinformed posts I have come across from myself and my mutuals alike ever since that I now am able to look at and feel relieved by the fact that I know way better now.
"I strongly endorse studying Neville Goddard's work to acquire a steady foundation of what the law is and how to work with it" She's always been correct about this one I'm afraid.
"You don’t need to be familiar with his teachings to manifest" This one is right and wrong. You don't need to because manifesting isn't a Neville thing and people have manifested without knowing about the law of assumption. However, if you intend to work with the law of assumption, what is a "Neville thing", and put it into practice, then yes you do need to be familiar with his teachings. It doesn't really make sense for you to be interested in something without understanding it fully and butchering it in the process, now does it? Seriously, you guys. I cannot emphasize this enough:
Read. Source. Material.
You decide what works and how it works! Objects and activities like crystals, scripting, subliminals, affirming and persisting, commanding, 555/369, vision boards, and gratitude are not imperative in order for you to manifest. There are hundreds of people out there spreading their beliefs about the law and how to do it correctly... as if it were a fact. This is why, as I've stated previously, I strongly discourage you from getting your information off of social media or simply too many sources in general because different opinions will create confusion for you (which is why sticking to a single instructor aka Father Neville who knows what he's talking about would be a good idea). Not only that, but so many people have a tendency to share their limiting beliefs which include but are not limited to: not being able to manifest physical changes or a specific person, avoiding negative words like no don't can't in affirmations, consuming any means of media that are upsetting because they'll interfere, etc. None of these beliefs are true, but if you believe that they are then they will be. You don’t need to use SATS and you don’t need to script. At the end of the day, we are manifesting 24/7 through the story we reiterate in out heads. These methods simply serve as a bolster for those who feel more comfortable and confident using them.
"You decide what works and how it works!" sjhkdfklfkhgfdksjkkla
"Objects and activities like crystals, scripting, subliminals, affirming and persisting, commanding, 555/369, vision boards, and gratitude are not imperative in order for you to manifest. " She's not wrong, but while we're on the topic of gratitude, it's literally the wish fulfilled. I used to associate gratitude with law of attraction so I wouldn't agree with it as relevant to manifesting but the more I've thought about it, it suddenly hit me that that's literally feeling the wish fulfilled because it's acceptance. When you accept, you feel grateful, do you not? Anyway, we encourage gratitude here at sexyandhedonistic.
" You don’t need to use SATS" This isn't wrong but I love the state akin to sleep so actually it is wrong.
"At the end of the day, we are manifesting 24/7 through the story we reiterate in out heads." Right. It's called consciousness is the only reality.
People think the law has certain rules and because they believe them, it becomes a truth for them. It's up to you to decide what does and doesn't work for you! There are people who can just command their subconscious mind and do nothing else. There are people who’ve manifested a literal face swap overnight. Nevertheless, whatever method you feel works best, they all come down to the same core belief and that is KNOWING it'll work.
"People think the law has certain rules and because they believe them, it becomes a truth for them." *facepalm* Okay queen let's not mix up principles and rules. Methods are something completely independent (and optional), what matters is feeling because feeling is the secret.
On another note notice how I literally never ever ever talk about the subconscious mind anymore <3 it activates my fight-or-flight response because I remember the days when we all thought we had to "saturate" it with affirmations robotically and whatnot... All you need is imagination and faith (feeling), you guys <3. (But if you would like explanations that mention the subconscious mind I suggest checking out feeling is the secret [linked above], I would not suggest Joseph Murphy as he had some limiting beliefs such as not being able to manifest certain things).
"Whatever method you feel works best, they all come down to the same core belief and that is KNOWING it'll work" My sister in Christ, the word you are looking for is FEELING, not "knowing". They can be used interchangeably, yes, but I feel so absurd rereading my old posts and saying "(the state of) knowing" when I should've been saying feeling.
Manifesting should not feel like a chore, it should be a simple, fun and easy task to do! You do not need to lift a finger to manifest. Whatever you think it'll take to get it done, will be it. If you think you have to yell out your affirmations at the top of your lungs then that’s what it’ll take for them to work. If you think you need a crystal collection the size of east LA to manifest then start saving up or manifest them. This is the beauty about the law of assumption. You create the rules.
Now that you’re understanding that you can create your own rules, have fun with it! Not only do you get to decide what works, but you also decide how well it works. Do you get subliminal results after one listen? Do you manifest in a week? Overnight? Will gratitude bring you your results quicker? Are you the best manifestor in the world and nothing can interfere with your manifestations? You literally call the shots.
No matter what you pick, stick to it and KNOW it works. Good luck!
"Manifesting should not feel like a chore, it should be a simple, fun and easy task to do!" I mean yeah... I agree fully that it shouldn't feel taxing and tedious and you most definitely shouldn't treat it as a routine (ex. set alarms to affirm every hour...), it should definitely feel liberating and comforting because this is is about being that which you desire to be. In Neville's own words:
We often are deprived of our high goal by our effort to possess it. We are called upon to act on the assumption that we already are the man we would be. If we do this without effort, experiencing in imagination what we would experience in the flesh had we realized our goal, we shall find that we do, indeed, possess it. - Answered Prayer
"You do not need to lift a finger to manifest" Yeah <3 As I always say, being > doing.
"This is the beauty about the law of assumption. You create the rules... Do you get subliminal results after one listen? Do you manifest in a week? Overnight? Will gratitude bring you your results quicker? Are you the best manifestor in the world and nothing can interfere with your manifestations? You literally call the shots." Pleasee please please PLEASE be quiet.
You guys I had to put on a hazmat suit to go through this post. I think if there was such a thing as a written version of what a six day old McChicken with extra mayonnaise left out in the hot Texas summer sun would taste like... it would be this post, but at least it's over now, so to conclude:
1. You cannot tweak principle
2. Methods are not what manifest
3. FEELING is the secret
4. Read source material
I hope this post has encouraged some of you to not repeat the same mistakes or misinformation I did as well as made you reevaluate your approach towards the law of assumption. This post is not entirely horrendous but it was horrendous enough that I decided to remove it from my blog. There is way better information that has surfaced ever since and I warn you guys once again from the risks of learning about it from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about. One of the most absurd and ridiculous beliefs I used to have and got from a certain blogger on here was that "you don't need to work on your self concept to manifest".......... I do not feel like getting into why this is does not make sense at all and why every time I would see someone say "Neville didn't work on his self concept to go to Barbados!" I would simply side eye, but anyway.
Please dedicate time to really learn about the law of assumption from Neville Goddard himself or from Edward Art's Reddit posts. My understanding of the law may have evolved ever since but something that has unfortunately not changed in this community is the circulation of misinformation. It only harms you guys and will consequently incite frustration because someone told you that your thoughts manifest (not true) and suddenly you're spiraling because you think you need to be flipping all of them (you do not). I know I made multiple jokes throughout but do not take this advice lightly and do not deem this post as me saying that I'm right and everyone else is wrong. I'm advising you all as someone who's been through all of it and wants better for you. Please choose your sources wisely and please learn from my mistakes.
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Ambrose and Elliot #13
Masterpost
Previous
Next
Warnings: implied past torture
Ambrose didn’t want to get up. His bed was too warm and cozy and the world outside was too cold and sad. And he wasn’t sure how to tackle last night’s… situation. He dealt with a lot of… uncomfortable problems before, but handling a murder was far simpler than Elliot’s complicated and frankly horrific history.
Ambrose needed to get ahead of it. Sooner rather than later.
He slipped out from underneath the covers, and pulled on some warmer clothes. The weather had cooled off more than expected.
Elliot was by his door with a mug of chamomile tea. Just how Ambrose liked it. And the bathrobe Elliot had borrowed hung on the coat rack. Definitely sooner than later.
Ambrose took the mug from Elliot.
“Thank you, love. Have you eaten breakfast?” asked Ambrose. He dug through his dresser, looking for some more clothes Elliot could borrow.
“Yes, sir. Bread with butter and jam.”
“Good job,” He handed Elliot the change of clothes. “How about you wear these? Katie should have something for you later today, but you should get something clean right now.”
“Yes, sir.” Elliot began to pull off his shirt.
“No, I mean… How about you change and I’ll go get something to eat. I’ll meet you downstairs, alright?” Elliot paused.
“Um. Okay.”
Off to a good start. Or at least, a better start. How did Elliot know how Ambrose took his tea? Hmm. He needed to be more observant. It wasn’t a particularly harmful practice, but it was the principle of the thing.
One day at a time, he told himself. You can’t take care of everything at once.
Bread with butter and jam did sound pretty good.
Elliot came downstairs as Ambrose was finishing up.
“Good idea on breakfast. And thank you for the tea, it was kind of you to make it for me. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.” Elliot flushed a little, and the twitch of his mouth told Ambrose that was the right move.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you last night. I shouldn’t have.” He took a long sip of the tea, focusing on the way it warmed him, the scent, the taste. He thought over what to say next.
“Yesterday, when I said we could relax, I meant we didn’t have any work to do. That we could spend time however we wanted. I didn’t mean to imply anything.”
Elliot looked down at the table, as if being chastised. That wasn’t ideal, but right now Ambrose needed to tackle the big problems.
“I’m sorry, sir. I’ll do better. Is… is there another way I can be helpful to you?”
Redirecting Elliot’s nervous energy couldn’t hurt. Maybe having something to do could prevent another… incident. Like a distraction.
“Well… I suppose there are a few chores that would go faster with some help. If you don't mind, of course.”
Elliot’s eyes lit up.
As they worked through the day, Ambrose noticed that Elliot seemed more confident in his movements. Cheerful, even. And his strength was returning. He could carry more wood to the shed, he walked without a sway or stumble, and he only needed a break once more than Ambrose. Good.
Elliot was practically delighted to dust the windows (which Ambrose hadn’t gotten to yesterday), and jumped at the chance to help prepare that night's dinner. Why? What was so special about being ordered around like a-
Oh.
Elliot had been someone’s slave. He’d probably been told exactly what to do at all times. Ambrose wasn’t distracting him with tasks at all. Elliot wasn't just compelled to obey, wasn't just nervous without directions, he had a conditioned need to be useful, and Ambrose had told him how.
Last night was a direct result of Ambrose unintentionally letting him stew in uncertainty for the past week. He was taking initiative, because Ambrose didn’t. He’d latched on to an otherwise innocuous comment because it gave him an in. A purpose.
Fuck.
He couldn’t just tell Elliot “everything you’ve been taught is wrong and your purpose in life is to be happy”, as if that would magically solve his problems.
But Elliot was happy, right now, anyway. Ambrose wasn’t going to take that from him.
It’s not like Elliot had any hobbies. What was Ambrose supposed to tell him? ‘Sit alone in your room and do nothing?’
After all, Ambrose built Hearthwood just to have something to do. He liked working; he didn’t need the money. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Sure, Elliot’s enthusiasm came from fear, but maybe in the long term, Ambrose could help him mold it into a more positive thing.
Baby steps.
___________________
Master Ambrose had given him chores. The sheer relief soothed his mind like a balm. He could sink back into thoughtlessness and Ambrose would care about him like his old master never had.
And this new rule- ‘no sex’- lifted a weight in his chest Elliot didn’t know he had.
Elliot cleaned the windows until they sparkled. He helped carry more wood to the shed, and Ambrose was so pleased with him.
It was so simple. The world was too complicated for a thing like Elliot, and now he didn’t have to deal with it. Just do as Ambrose says. And Ambrose didn’t need complicated seduction or entertainment. He just needed some chores done. Crushing dried spices for Ambrose was infinitely better than getting the whip for his Master’s amusement.
There was a tiny part of him that was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ambrose still hadn’t punished him. Maybe it was because Elliot hadn’t technically broken any rules yet.
What would happen if he did? What kind of Master was Ambrose? Elliot was on a very long leash, but maybe that leniency meant a severe punishment in return. After all, breaking a rule that was so generous would be a terrible offense. He could imagine how it would go: I’ve been so good to you, and this is how you repay me? Ambrose would take the price of his kindness out of Elliot’s hide, and the leash he was on would grow shorter.
But it was a small part of him, and it was ignorable.
Katie had dropped off most of his new clothes, and Jennifer and her siblings and delivered the furniture. His room looked really nice now, and Katie had even given him a new green and blue blanket as a present. It was so warm, and he loved it.
Ambrose had been smiling at him all day. After months of no guiding light, he was the sun.
Elliot hadn’t believed him when Master said everything would be okay, but he did now.
As long as he didn’t mess it up.
taglist: @cupcakes-and-pain @secretwhumplair @paintedpigeon1 @whump-blog @whump-em @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @starfields08000
#Ellie's like a border collie he needs something to do or he'll make something to do#in a Very Unfortunate Way#ambrose and elliot#slavery whump#whump#my writing
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Could I request romantic rise raph with gn reader with the trope "They fell first but he fell harder"
He only sees them in a new light when they were chilling in reader's apartment. Ehile reader is doing their thing he glances at them and does a double take cause... Have they always been that pretty? When did they get so cute?
Reader's been a close friend of the turtles alike April, also they're raph's best friend. As I've said, "a good romance starts with a good friendship" and I wanna see a adorable tooth rotting fluffy ass romance happen between reader and raph
I want some fluff for the giant softie please
ROMANTIC! ROTMNT! RAPHAEL X GN! READER
You met the turtles a couple of months ago, in a warm carefree summer, while walking in the evening and you were attacked by the foot clan...
you made friends very quickly, you didn’t even notice how you quickly turned from words of gratitude into a conversation about your life, about the life of turtles ...
You especially strongly began to get closer to Raphael. You felt like you were kindred spirits. What by character, what by actions, what by principles ...
You yourself did not notice how you nod with a smile at his every word.
After that, you began to come to the brothers' lair almost every day, spending time with them, not caring about the routine upstairs ..
often you could play games with Donatello, cook and paint with Michelangelo, go somewhere with Leonardo...
but spending time with Raf was appreciated somehow ... more.
no, you valued each of the turtles in your own way, it was just that the raf was your best friend.
over the past couple of months you have had many adventures where you helped April and the brothers when needed.
often you invited friends to your house after that, treating you to dishes and spending time together.
but since Rafael was your best friend, you invited him at every opportunity ...
really, were you sure that you just had a friendship?
On one of those days...
you played console in your apartment. had fun.
you were embarrassed at such a question in your head, blushing slightly, you looked away
- crap! they killed me again. - you said displeasedly, putting down the gamepad.
- don't worry y/n, I'll kick their asses for you! - Raph said confidently, continuing to play with a confident smile. Out of boredom, you stare at his face, and insight comes to you for a split second.
"He was always so pretty? Why is he so cute?"
you were embarrassed at such a question in your head, blushing slightly, you looked away.
- everything okay, y/n? - The turtle seems to have noted your concern by putting down the gamepad. you answered uncertainty:
- yes... of course, just thinking aloud...
Raph didn't believe you.
- be honest otherwise...
- otherwise, what?
You regretted asking this question when the turtle knocked you to the floor and began to tickle you mercilessly. You laughed and cried, asking you to stop.
it seems that he stopped, but looked literally into your eyes.
it started to strain you when the turtle's gaze seemed to study your eyes.
“y/n…did I ever tell you that your eyes are gorgeous?”
Your cheeks began to become covered with a noticeable blush.
- ah... no... what are you getting at?
- Um ... nothing, forget it.- He let go of you, sitting back in his original seat as a tense silence filled the room.
- Were you going to tell me something? - you asked, getting up from your back, sitting down in your previous position.
The turtle sighed nervously, embarrassed by your question.
- I... Hmm. I meant to say that... I like you more than a friend....
Raph said the last words hesitantly, fiddling with the nearest blanket, looking at the floor.
You stared at your friend in surprise, then hugged him tightly.
- I... love you too, Raphael.- You leaned into his shoulder with a smile as the tortoise rested its head on top of yours, sniffing the scent of your hair.
#tmnt x you#rottmnt oneshot#rotmnt x reader#tmnt x reader#tmnt oneshots#rottmnt raph x reader#raphael x reader
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Bird Rants: Portals and Stuff
In the Supergirl show, the transmatter portal is described as working via polyatomic anions. No, just no, that's nonsensical. It sounds like gibberish, and it bothers me to no end. There's a better way to describe how it works that's way more fun.
So hear me out, okay? I got a physics degree, and I did a bit on research on how such a portal could work based on how the show describes it. (disclaimer: I simplified things a little bit for this explanation).
First: the show claims the portals are set up via locations. As in the person had to visit both locations to "program" that location into it.
Second: it looks like the opening of a wormhole.
This leads me to believe the portals actually work via quantum entanglement and wormholes that utilize negative energy.
So, particles on a quantum level are weird. They tend to exist in all states at once until measured, but at the moment of our measurement, the particle collapses into a specific state. This is the foundation of a lot of quantum mechanics and many of the weirdness such as entanglement. Another important property is the uncertainty principle, where we can't measure all properties exactly. For example, if we measure the velocity of the particle, the location measurement will be smeared out and inexact. And vice versa. (Seriously, quantum world is weird, and I absolutely love it).
Uncertainty principle is the basics of vacuum energy within spacetime (a.k.a. space). It plays a big role in stabilizing a wormhole for travel.
Now, this smearing out of the particles allows for some weird shit like entanglement!
Meaning, we can entangle particles so that they are basically married/connected. For example, if one entangled particle has an Up Spin, then its buddy will always be the opposite - Down Spin. (Fun side note, the distance between them doesn't matter. It's a nonlocal connection. if we measure the one particle as up, the other - even if its thousands of lightyears away - will always be the opposite).
Knowing that, we can look at the portals. Per the first claim, two locations are programed into the portal device. That likely means the locations are entangled on a particle level. So how to pass through to the other location? Create a miniature wormhole and use energy to expand it into a person-sized portal. The entangled particles at both end would hold the ends of the wormhole in place, but in order to stabilize the wormhole for travel, the device must provide enough negative energy to allow passage. (See my side notes below as to what negative energy is).
The type of particles doesn't matter (all matter is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons anyway. And protons and neutrons are made up of quarks). Therefore, it also does not matter what the molecule is (for example, polyatomic ions are two or more atoms in a covalent bond that act as one unit. That describes most matter actually. But even single atoms would work). This is because quantum entanglement doesn't happen on the atom level but the particle level. As in the ingredients for an atom.
Therefore, transmatter portals in Supergirl actually work via quantum entanglement and wormholes, which are stabilized using negative energy.
Important side notes:
Wormholes were predicted by Einstein's general relativity theory. They connect two points in spacetime (but can also connect two separate universes for those that theorize the existence of the multiverse). Wormholes can form on a quantum level -- for example the particle accelerator CERN in Switzerland has detected miniature black holes that last a few microseconds before vanishing. Wormholes can last about as long.
However in order to get wormholes to the size of a human being, a LOT of energy would be needed. Kip Thorne, a physicist, calculated out a way to artificially create one, and one method involves the making a microscopic wormhole. Then utilize negative energy to expand that and hold it open.
What is negative energy though?
This is the fun part. Spacetime has been theorized (and some testing has proved this) to be a curved surface full of a frothing sea of particles that pop in and out of existence (as in matter and antimatter particles colliding to annihilate one another). This is called vacuum energy.
Now, this is where quantum mechanics comes into play! Quantum field theory through the Casimir effect could essentially create a region of negative energy. That negative energy could in turn be harnessed to hold open a wormhole as postulated by several physicists such as Stephen Hawking, Kip Thorne, and Brian Greene.
Having said that, what is Casimir effect then?
That one deals with the vacuum energy I just described above and how it interacts with materials in a confined space. The materials (commonly electrical conductors and dielectrics) alter the vacuum energy fields, which in turn creates a force between the materials.
...
Yes, I spent way too much time coming up with a more plausible theory on how these portals work. Uh, you're welcome.
#supergirl#supergirl cw#supercorp#the science in supergirl is so nonsensical sometimes and I just wanna FIX IT#quantum entanglement IS SO COOL#Why not use the cool quantum mechanics stuff instead of random science-sounding-gibberish?#I could rant all day on the issues with science in shows like supergirl#Bird Rants
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Hi, I'm currently writing a fic and would like to ask for advice about the characterization of a slightly darker Lan Xichen. When he is in seclusion, in the midst of despair and grappling with feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment what do you think would be his lesson learned from everything? How would his actions/personality change particularly concerning his decision making as a leader? Would he become more manipulative/ruthless like jgy even while fully disavowing his choices? Thanks!
Okay so I do have a lot of thoughts about this!
Because there's a whole list of issues Lan Xichen has to unpack, and the deepest is in fact not the betrayed anger, or even grief or guilt, but having to reevaluate who he even is.
He's spent 13 years thinking Lan Wangji was the fuckup and he had tried hard and done everything right. Like, not flawlessly, there were all those people and even his sword brother he couldn't save and Lan Wangji he couldn't protect from himself, but still. He'd done it. Complex political and personal reality successfully navigated. Worst errors evaded. Not Like His Father.
He spent about 15 years (that's so much time!!!) having his most intimate personal relationship be with someone who was lying to and using him, and who (because he killed him!) he will never even be able to ask which parts were lies.
His entire decisionmaking system is wrecked. For him to come out of this cruel, with the confidence to do vicious things to others for some goal, he would have to somehow construct a new belief system, a basis for his convictions, that is even more narrow and sharp and coldly implacable than Jin Guangyao's was. Or at any rate more inflexible.
I don't think he's capable of this. He's like 40 years old! He's spent that whole time trying so, so fucking hard to be good, to be fair and kind and just even where these conflict with one another.
And what he has for it is a shattered decisionmaking base.
There's only so far a person can change themselves, even if they try to start over from first principles. And he doesn't have any real motivation to want to be really harsh, even if he doesn't want to be so soft anymore either.
If he had to knit himself back together under these circumstances and go forward and perform desperate feats, the way Jiang Cheng had to after the first time he broke (not as profound a break, not once he got his core 'back' and could resume most of his prior identity elements, but still the permanent damage is visible) I think Lan Xichen could get pretty dark.
If he was being forced to make constant life-or-death calls in a violent atmosphere and he didn't fucking trust himself but he knew his gentleness and his mercy and his desire to believe the best of people had been so utterly weaponized against him and those under his keeping before, I think he'd start making a lot of kill calls. He's capable of that, after all. He was a major war hero, flying from front to front, pulling asses out of fires.
He has killed lots of people! And commanded people he cares about into battle! He has the stomach for that kind of thing, when there's cause.
When Lan Xichen accepted massacres under the period of ascendancy of the Jin, let the Chang and the He and even the Wen remnants be wiped out and then erased without justice or remorse, he was using that same wartime stomach for necessity, and then trying to patch things over and let the world be peaceful, be healed.
Hide it until it stops hurting anymore. That's his basic methodology for things that it's too late to mediate.
And I think because that smoothing and that kindness and that looking-away-from-conflict are the parts of his failures most distinctive to him, as a person, they're the parts he would react against with the most violent distrust. And he'd need to lock down on his uncertainties and suppress them to function, which does not do good things for your judgment. So a Lan Xichen fresh from those traumas who had to fight a war could get pretty brutal. He could ramp his ruthlessness up by pretty rapid degrees.
If he did, he'd be doing it while leaning away from manipulation, going as direct and uncompromising and fierce as possible. (In imitation a bit of Nie Mingjue.)
If he wound up leaning away from ruthlessness hard enough he might accidentally become pretty manipulative, by way of trying to never actually force his will on others since he doesn't trust his own judgment, but I think that's a pretty outside chance. He's not actually a very subtle person and I think he's too old to really learn, and under the circumstances he'd probably be more insecure about hinting than demanding things. If he comes out too early and is overly centered on shame, maybe.
I don't think he could get as bad as Jin Guangyao no matter which direction he went, because he wouldn't be all that sneaky about it, his goals would still be for the sake of groups of people rather than himself alone, and he wouldn't have the confidence to totally refuse to take outside input on his choices. He also just gives a shit about other people, by instinct. All that puts some caps on his scope of villainy that jgy did not have.
Although under the right circumstances, with the ruthless route, he could get pretty volatile about taking advice, reacting unpredictably against attempts to gentle or redirect him as Dangerous Manipulation Again.
You could do a fantastic AU with that actually, with betrayed, hardened, trying-so-fucking-hard unstable Lan Xichen flipping out at a Lan Wangji who's trying to rein in his excessive brutality against like, suspected traitors. Like that's a role reversal you could make work by pulling the right trauma strings and it would hurt so good. Put Nie Huaisang in as a witness to an episode and really layer things up.
But I find it hard to imagine him going that way in seclusion. Taking all the pressures off a person in a mental health crisis is something you do for a reason. He is in there so he won't be forced to make decisions when he doesn't feel qualified anymore, as much as to hide from his shame and wrestle with the grief.
Putting the crisis-haver in solitary confinement is not actually a good idea! That will generally make many parts of the problem worse! Even with the ability to come out if he decides to, and even though privacy sounds like a good idea, isolation is a bit much.
But he's going to break a different way if he's alone with no responsibilities, and only himself to do anything for or to.
The most likely way for his seclusion to go bad, if it does, is self-destruction. That could look a lot of ways, and might or might not kill him, and if it does could do so at basically any speed.
If it doesn't just become an inward spiral of destruction but also is bad, though...let's see. He could still come out paranoid. Yeah. Having lost his faith in the ability and will of people to be good.
The most obvious way for this to turn ugly out the gate is that he reverses his previous arc (that's one of the reasons this doesn't strike me as probable) and instead of leaning toward 'wangji was right and i was wrong; i have to interrogate all my biases harder and reconsider my definition of acceptable sacrifices and listen to him' he looks at wangxian, and his brother's conviction that this notorious villain was always good at heart, that his crimes were mostly under duress, or exaggerations and lies, that he means well and mostly meant well, and wants to be better and to put all that behind him...
And remembers that's the story Jin Guangyao told him.
#ask#hoc est meum#Anonymous#mdzs#lan xichen#meta#mental health#characterization#like my understanding is that's a lot of the reason he DID extend wwx and lwj as much latitude as he did#because he had such firm principles about not judging people by their pasts#because he chose to trust jgy's stated good intentions over the implications of his record#and he was so fucking wrong
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a lesson on style - iv . [ ljn | njm ]
pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv., pt. v, pt. vi
you’ve always been content with being associated with one word and one word only: average. average in looks, academics and social skills, you’re just looking to graduate high school without causing disasters you’ll have to live with until you kick the bucket. when you’re paired with school king lee jeno for the semester-long physics thesis, you can’t help but think the entire situation has pretty much set itself up for failure. that is, until you strike a deal with your partner. alternatively: an au tale involving lessons in popularity, eleven consecutive B minuses, a secretly sensitive, chess-loving jock, and an amateur sex tape.
pairing: jeno x fem!reader, jaemin x fem!reader
verse: high school au { jocks!nomin ft. a super cute whiny ap physics genius renjun }
rating: M for sexual themes ( there are allusions to sex but no explicit smut! )
chapter warnings:
word count: 7.6k
author’s note: i went quiet for a hot minute because a ton of nice things ate up all my weekends and a ton of terrible things ate up all my weekdays but im BACK with gremlin energy stronger than ever !!!!
tagging @justalildumpling
Renjun, being the quintessential all-around nerd that he is, has told you a lot about what they talk about in his advanced placement physics classes. A huge part of their class’ previous term had to do with theoretical physics; it had been basically months of him trying to enthusiastically explain something wildly abstract to you, and you laying your head on his fairly tall pile of books checked out from the library, humming in agreement at opportune times, like when he’d catch his breath, to make it sound like you weren’t falling asleep on him. He’d told you about the uncertainty principle, the multiverse theories, the difference between loop quantum gravity and string theory — both of which, he’d said, had their merits, but he was ultimately a stringy universe kind of guy. A lot of the stuff he’d said hadn’t made much sense, and they mostly seemed impossible, which is why you’d stopped trying to pay attention by the end of the first month.
With all of that information in mind, however, you have to say that this is the most absurd thing you’ve heard thus far.
“That’s physically impossible,” you say without even thinking. Jeno, who has been grinning for the last two minutes leading up to his proposition, suddenly shifts mood, looking a little taken aback.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, this,” you gesture to yourself as a whole, trying to ignore the inappropriately timed wave of tingles that arises when his eyes follow your hand. “Is not a shapeless slab of stone you’re going to be able to sculpt into something magical. I’m… I’m as good as it’s going to get. Which is fine, by the way.”
“Not really sure about the analogy,” he muses. “But I’ll go with it. I’m not going to try to re-mold you, or anything. We can just spruce it up. Kind of like putting Calvin Klein boxer briefs on that ripped naked guy by Michelangelo.”
“Wh — okay, I’m not even going to bother asking about the underwear brand choice.” You wave the analogy away. “You know that… getting a good, stardom-esque reputation like yours isn’t easy in high school, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s not impossible,” Vaguely, you note that he doesn’t reject the idea that he’s a high school superstar. “Remember Park Jisung?”
“The guy that stands behind you in games?”
“The running back, yes,” he confirms. “Two years ago, that kid was a total loner. He ate lunch under that big tree next to the teacher’s parking lot. Now he’s running for captain next year, and everyone in his level is friends with him. And he’s wearing contact lenses instead of glasses now. See?”
“I’m not sure how that last one fits in, but I’m also going to let it go for now. I don’t have two years,” you remind him. “We graduate this term. Well — hopefully.”
He shrugs nonchalantly. “You don’t need two years. I’m just saying. You’re always with that friend of yours, but you could stand to widen your circle, and there are a lot of our classmates I know you’d get along with. You could get into some cool new things, meet new people, share new interests. Plus, we’d get to hang out a lot more instead of just, you know, doing,” he points disdainfully at the list of topics. “That.”
You stare down at the paper, but your eyes just stick to it blankly without reading, your mind trying to process everything instead. You don’t really care about climbing up the proverbial social ladder; average is pretty fine with you, and you’re not even sure what a better reputation is going to achieve at this point. Still, the most appealing part of this conversation is getting to hang out with Jeno — the one thing you’ve craved since puberty, probably. Honestly, it seems like a win-win; it’s not like you weren’t planning on doing the project, anyway.
For some reason, it just feels too good to be true, though; you think there might be a snag, but you also can’t figure out what it might possibly be. You look up at Jeno for any sign of him faltering, but he’s just staring back at you a little expectantly, and it suddenly dawns on you that he’s worried you’ll say no.
Which is, frankly, laughable.
“Yeah, okay,” you say slowly, setting aside any hesitation you have. He lights up, that grin making a comeback on his face. “Yeah — why not?”
“Why not,” he echoes, looking exceptionally pleased. “For sure. Okay, well — awesome. So, I was thinking we could probably get some more headway with the project this week. You know, get it over with, rip the bandaid off quick and early, that sort of thing.”
“I’m free any time,” you say almost immediately, not only because it’s true but because even if it weren’t, you’d happily cancel all of your schedules for this. Luckily for you, your eagerness comes off as a simple fact, and Jeno clearly takes it as such.
“Cool. I have practice after school, though, so can we do it over the weekend?” You nod, and he takes back the piece of paper, flipping it over while uncapping his pen with his teeth. “Here’s my number; text me on Saturday morning or whenever and just remind me about it. If I don’t reply in ten minutes, call me. I oversleep sometimes, or sometimes I let my battery die out because I forget to charge my phone. In that case, you can call my sister to wake me up. We don’t have a landline at home because, well… obviously.”
“Uh,” you’re not sure what to do with this sudden onslaught of information about his daily life, and it’s almost hilariously surreal that he’s writing down his sister’s phone number under his own. “That — okay.”
“Also, is it okay with your parents if I park in your driveway?”
“You know where I live?” You don’t even bother masking the tone of surprise.
“Well, yeah.” He looks amusedly perplexed. “You’re Jaemin’s neighbor. You’ve played Winner’s Really Really almost everyday since it came out. I can hear it from his bathroom.”
Right. Your lapse in memory makes you want to punch something — preferably yourself. “Oh. yeah. I should probably keep it down.”
“Nah. It’s a good song. Pretty sure that’s why Jaemin won’t stop asking me to play it in the car now.”
“Anyway,” you try to shift the topic back on track. “Usually, on weekends, my parents take the cars so the driveway’s empty, but their schedule’s kind of messy. They have, like, alpaca enthusiast functions sometimes, and sometimes they just stay home, so I can’t really promise a parking spot right now.”
“It’s cool. I can just park in front of Jaemin’s house, if that’s the case.”
“Is that okay with his family when you’re not even in their house?”
“Are you kidding? His mom invites me to their Seollal celebration like every year. I join their family for jesa like I don’t have my own family to do it with. She even calls me adeul. I could strangle Jaemin in his sleep, and she’d come in and ask me if I needed more heavy duty rope. It’s totally fine.”
You feel like a part of what he’s saying is a huge exaggeration, but it’s almost endearing that he and Jaemin have this kind of friendship. Briefly, your mind shifts to Renjun, and you wonder if you have the same kind of confidence in your relationship — then you remember you’re furious at him and shake the idea off before you start thinking about strangling him with some heavy duty rope.
“I’ll let you know if they leave anyway.” You take the paper back, index finger running idly over the dents in the paper that his writing his number had made. “Just in case.”
“Cool, just —“ He stops for a second as the teacher walks in, looking as disgruntled as ever. Jeno lowers his voice to a whisper. “Just text me.”
You nod, and he drops the conversation, turning his attention to the board where your teacher is trying to graph out a parabola. You try to focus on it too, opening your notebook to copy it down quickly alongside the equation he’s written to its right, except you have no clue where that figure came from and why he’s drawing it.
It also doesn’t help that you’re trying really hard not to stare at Jeno, who’s obviously not paying attention and is, inexplicably, smiling to himself, which is just giving you the worst (or best) kind of butterflies.
You don’t know why you’d expected things to change immediately, but whether or not they were supposed to, they don’t. The assumption was that because you’d be hanging out with Jeno, you wouldn’t need to worry about where to sit during lunch time, but he’s hardly in school for the last two days of the week; the crowd he’s with is still at their regular spot, and you understand that they’re probably friendly enough to accommodate you, but it seems like a stupid idea to approach them and say that you want to sit there because Jeno is supposed to be there.
It gets worse when you see Renjun at your usual table, eating his donkatsu, and you make eye contact. His expression is unreadable, and you suddenly feel the overwhelming need to either cry or throw miso soup at his face, so you deduce that you’re still not ready to approach him. It doesn’t help that his backpack and a stack of three, unbelievably thick books is on the chair where you frequently sit next to him, like he’s doing all he can to shun you. In the end, you take a cue from Park Jisung of two years ago and make your way to the big tree near the teacher’s parking lot, settling down under its shade.
It’s actually not as bad as it had sounded when Jeno had talked about it; the cell service is surprisingly great, so you get to wedge your phone between your legs while you’re Indian sitting and watch more Facebook videos featuring samoyeds and rescued kittens on mute. You spend maybe five minutes in between to check Jeno’s profile, but you’re unsurprised to find that the last time he’d been active was almost three days ago; the most recent post was a picture from last month that he’d been tagged in by who you assumed was his sister.
Halfway through the hour, a shadow grows over you, blocking out the sun. You look up, expecting that it’s Renjun, seeking you out after more than thirty-six hours of stony silence, but it isn’t; it’s Jaemin, looking a little sweaty and breathless. From your position, you notice that he’s in muddied cleats instead of the traditional casual sneakers that almost everyone wears, and there’s a little ring of darkness around the neckline of his navy blue shirt.
“Hey,” he sounds as breathless as he looks. “Can I sit here for a sec?”
You nod wordlessly, still in the middle of chewing your donkatsu, and he busies himself with tossing his backpack down against the tree before following suit, collapsing next to you with a huff. He even smells a little sweaty, like he’s been out in the sun for long; even if it isn’t exactly repellent, you inch away slightly. Thankfully, he doesn’t really notice, with him so busy trying to find the right place on his scalp where his hairline cuts evenly. When he speaks up again, his voice is exceptionally casual.
“You know this tree is infested with wooly caterpillars, right?”
“What?” Your mouth is half-full, though, so it just comes out as a garbled hnwaf?, and you jerk away quickly, precious bento box in hand. When you look back at Jaemin, though, he’s chuckling, back still pressed against the tree trunk.
“Kidding. Obviously.”
“Not funny.” You shift back in place, swallowing your food so that he can more clearly understand how unamusing that was.
“Sorry.” There’s a light twinkle in his eyes that says he isn’t though. “I didn’t have a better conversation opener. Anyway — why are you out here? This is literally the second least desirable place to have lunch.”
“What’s the first?”
“The boys’ bathroom on the third floor.”
You snort softly, putting the lid back on your bento box to avoid spillage just in case he decided to trigger panic again. “I’m just… enjoying the breeze and sunshine. Nature is such a thing for me. I also hear looking at greenery speeds up your metabolism.”
“Bullshit,” he laughs, and you’re amusedly taken aback by how comfortably he’s speaking around you. Then again, he doesn’t seem the type to talk any differently around anyone else. “Nice straight-faced lie, though. I would have believed you if I knew that definitely wasn’t true. I do hear it relaxes you, though — the looking at greenery thing.”
You laugh softly, leaning back (a little gingerly) against the tree, your bento box balanced on your knee; you can feel Jaemin’s gaze burning into the side of your face, clearly expecting an answer to his question, but the ideas of elaborating on petty fights with your only consistent friend or on petty desires involving his best friend both feel weird, so you just avoid the topic altogether, throwing your own question at him instead in an attempt to curveball the conversation into your favor.
“Do you know why Jeno isn’t in school today?”
Jaemin doesn’t answer immediately; you can tell he’s noticed you weaseling away from such a basic question, but, thankfully, he doesn’t push it after a brief moment of silence, simply reaching into his bag to extract a sandwich and an energy drink bottle. He takes his time popping open the bottle but doesn’t drink, twirling the cap between his fingers.
“He just does that sometimes, Jeno.” It’s clear in the tone of his voice that he’s choosing his words carefully. "He’s got… other stuff to do outside of school, so he suddenly ghosts. I’m sure he’ll be back on Monday, though. He usually shows up after the weekend, in my experience.”
“Other stuff?”
“It’s not really something I can explain or — you know. I don’t know how to, anyway. I wouldn’t know where to begin. Plus, it’s technically none of my business —“
“No — no, I get it. You don’t have to tell me.” It feels uncomfortable, anyway, suddenly prying into Jeno’s business, no matter how much a substantial part of your consciousness wanted to.
“But you want to know,” he takes a sip of his energy drink. “Because you’re nosy.”
“I’m not!” You want to cringe at how defensive your voice sounds, but it would just give you away more. “It’s just that, you know, he wasn’t around for class yesterday, and I haven’t seen him around today, so, I just…”
“I’m kidding, ________________. I know you’re not nosy. You’re worried about him because you like him.”
Horror creeps into your expression; you watch, frozen, as Jaemin takes a large bite out of his sandwich. You can see the spam between the slices slipping down at the bottom, threatening to fall into the plastic bag. You lock eyes with him; he stares at you, but you can’t tell if he’s smiling because his cheeks are puffed out by all of that bread and filling he’s munching so diligently on. Denial is the first thing that pops into your head; it seems so easy just to say no, I don’t!, but you can’t bring yourself to. In the end, you just sigh in defeat.
“Does he know?”
“Jeno? I don’t know. Maybe, but he also has this talent for not paying attention to stuff that seems obvious, so there’s the possibility that he doesn’t. We don’t really have a very in-depth feelings are valid relationship, so it’s not like we talk about it.”
“Is it that obvious, though?”
“Is Dongbangshinki’s Here I Am the best song in history?”
“Debatable,” you snort half-heartedly. “But I get what you’re trying to say.”
“I know you think Winner’s Really Really is the best song, but,” he pauses, swallowing down his food and taking another enormous bite. “You should really expand your horizons more. For both our sakes.”
“Really Really is a great song. Besides, Jeno says you’ve been playing it in his car these days.”
“It is an earworm kind of jam,” he admits. “But it doesn’t beat out the classics by a mile.”
“Here I Am was released in 2010!” You argue. “That was like ten years ago!”
“No, it was released in 2012.” He says as-a-matter-of-factly. “And Really Really should be thankful for all Here I Am sunbaenim has done for it.”
You don’t know why the sound of your laugh is so foreign until you realize you don’t really remember having laughed genuinely over the last week; between panicking over the strangely massive amount of attention Jeno had bestowed upon you and Renjun’s childish and, therefore, frustrating behavior, you haven’t found much humor in anything, and humor hasn’t really found you until now. It feels nice to just carry out a conversation without worrying it’s going to turn into a disaster or an argument, and you kind of like how Jaemin laughs even louder and a lot more obnoxiously than you do; some freshmen crossing the field in front of you actually turn when he starts guffawing.
The silence that you both lapse into is a little less strange; you get to resume finishing off your donkatsu, and Jaemin enthusiastically inhales the rest of his sandwich. He’s flicking the bread crumbs off his fingers into the grass when he starts talking again.
“So you and Renjun still aren’t talking?”
“Wh — now who’s being nosy?”
“Technically, it’s not hard to deduce,” he crumples the plastic bag and smushes it into his backpack again. “You’re not in the cafeteria with him like you usually are. Plus, he punctured three holes into his quiz a couple of days back because of how hard he was digging his pen into his paper. I had to give him a new sheet.”
“Yeah, well,” you blow out air in a sharp, annoyed huff. “I hope he failed.”
“He didn’t, but for the sake of my curiosity, why would you hope that?”
“Because he’s just — he’s being a pain in the ass. He has been, for a while. Also, he has this really bad problem of talking too much even though it’s obvious you want him to shut up. And he thinks he’s hilarious when he’s just being mean.”
“To Jeno, you mean?”
“You heard about that?” You raise your eyebrows. “I thought you guys weren’t into talking about feelings or whatever.”
“We aren’t. Jeno literally said you know that Renjun guy? What’s his problem?, and I just naturally put the pieces together.” He shrugs.
“Yeah, well, I wonder that sometimes too.” You pluck out blades of grass aggressively, feeling your face heat up with residual fury from the thought of Renjun.
“Haven’t you guys been friends for years?”
“Yeah? So? He can’t be a jerk to me after all these years?” Your snippy tone cuts through your trance of anger, and you look back at Jaemin, who’s surprisingly not at all taken aback. He’s just looking at the dirty blades of grass in your fist with some mild form of interest. “Sorry. That was rude.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s not like I know what you really fought about. Although,” he adds as an afterthought. “If it’s about Jeno, I really don’t think he’s worth losing a friendship over. Don’t get me wrong; I mean, Jeno’s great. He’s my best friend.”
“Your mom loves him,” you interject helpfully, and he hums in agreement.
“But it’s not like you have only one position for a male friend in your life. You don’t have to trade Renjun for Jeno, or anything like that. Maybe you guys can just talk it out.”
Jaemin’s fingers are idly playing with the grass as well; instead of pulling them out, though, he’s just brushing his fingers through them like they’re the fur on his sleeping cat. It strikes you that Jaemin and Jeno are weirdly nothing alike; Jeno’s substantial physique totally eclipses Jaemin’s fairly leaner one, and they even talk differently, not to mention the fact that the latter is clearly lightyears ahead of the former academically. Still, they’re close — kind of like you and Renjun were. Are? Should be?
“Yeah — I guess,” you let go of the grass, watching them fall, crumpled, back into the dirt. “I guess you’re right.”
“Besides, if anyone were to replace Renjun as your best friend and confidant, it would obviously be me.” The light humor creeps back into his voice, and you smile slightly.
“Obviously.” It’s weird to think of Jaemin as coming close to the level of a best friend, but it’s also starting to hit you that he’s talking more like a friend than a casual neighborhood acquaintance, a particular relationship development that you didn’t think would be possible at the start of this school year — or, well, two weeks ago, actually.
You can see streams of people walking out of the cafeteria back into the main building; lunch time is nearly over, and this fact is confirmed by Jaemin suddenly tilting his head back along with his energy drink, downing its contents in swift, audible gulps, his Adam’s apple bobbing rhythmically. He lets out a refreshed exhale once he’s done, popping the cap back on.
“I have to get the class’s quizzes back from the faculty before I go in. Want to walk back together?”
“No, that’s okay,” you watch him shrug on his backpack, reaching out to fix the zipper that leaves it half-opened. He mumbles a thanks. “I’m going to sit here and finish watching this samoyed ASMR video until the bell rings.”
“Cool,” he stands, brushing off the grass and dirt from his jeans. “Well, see you around, _______________.”
You give him a wave, and he starts trekking across the field; you almost turn back to your video, which has been on pause since he’d arrived, but he calls out to you, walking backwards now instead of stopping like a normal person.
“By the way, you should know that ownership of my jacket comes with great responsibilities. More information to follow,” he calls out.
“Oh, shit,” you mumble to yourself; you’d forgotten about it, even if it’s been sitting on the chair by the front door for the majority of the week. You raise your voice to respond to him. “I’ll drop by later and give it back!”
“Don’t worry about it,” he waves away your words. “Whenever you remember.”
“I’ll do it after school,” you’re practically shouting now because he refuses to stay still. He gives you a thumbs up that looks minuscule from the distance between the two of you.
“I’ll hold you to it!” He gives one last wave, turning back around and jogging towards the main building.
You can see the little sweat patterns that are almost dried up on the back of his shirt, even if he’s so far away now; weirdly enough, they remind you of tiny angel wings.
This is the first Saturday in your life on which you wake up really early; you’re actually up to see the sunrise, which is something you haven’t seen since a Thursday during your second grade when you’d woken up, startled, to a stray cat making a mess of the trash cans in front of your house. You’re already oddly feverish and more than a little jittery from the moment you roll out of bed, which leads to you taking an hour-long shower that you use to create multiple scenarios involving Jeno’s visit. None of them end particularly well, especially the one where he drives up to your house only to tell you that he’s found a better partner before driving away. It’s at that point — as well as the point where you notice that the tips of your fingers have significantly pruned up — that you decide you’ve wasted enough time and water.
Still, even with the hour above you’ve killed, it seems way too early on a weekend to call someone, much less expect them. Now is actually one of the rarer times in your house that it’s fairly quiet, with only a few footsteps in adjacent rooms breaking the silence, so you take advantage of the opportunity to prepare. In this case, preparation really means taking out the piece of paper that had Jeno’s number, adding Jeno’s number, adding Jeno’s sister’s number, taking note of the project Jeno wants to do very briefly before deciding you have no tools to prepare for it, and then contemplating whether or not you should call Jeno or his sister now.
Your final decision is to head down for breakfast and attempt to stop obsessing too much over the Jeno situation, and you’re surprised to see Jisoo at the table, a bowl of cereal in front of him that looks only a fraction of a percentage touched. His eyes are glued to his phone, and he’s scrolling madly away. He doesn’t even notice you as you open the refrigerator and let out a small noise of defeat as you learn he’s taken the last of the milk.
“Hey,” you finally speak up, setting down your glass of grape juice way too hard on the table so he snaps out of it; he fumbles with his phone, almost dropping it into his bowl of cereal. “Who are you talking to this early in the morning?”
“None of your business,” he mumbles, locking his screen.
“Okay. Well, it’s also none of my business, but your cereal milk is curdling.”
He looks down at the bowl, like he’s shocked to see that it’s somehow materialized in front of him, but he doesn’t respond, opting to shovel soggy cereal into his mouth to avoid having to speak. You both consume your food in silence for the most part, until he’s only got the last dregs of milk and some cereal he didn’t manage to stuff into his face swimming at the bottom of the bowl.
“You can’t tell Sooyeon noona,” he starts suddenly, and you put down your half-empty glass of juice.
“That’s a promise I cannot make without knowing what you’re hiding.”
“It’s not bad. I swear. It’s just… if you tell her, she might do something about it, and I will literally never come out of my room again if she does.”
You wrap your fingers around the glass, condensation sticking to your skin. “Fine. I won’t tell her. For now.”
“I’ve been… I’ve been talking to Kim Minjeong.”
Your mouth forms a tiny ‘o’, finally cottoning on to why he doesn’t want you blabbing to your sister; Kim Minjeong is in the same year as your sister, and she comes over sometimes after cheerleading practice. You like her, mostly because she’s undeniably nice and also because sometimes she brings egg custard tarts for the family, but you do know both of your brothers tend to avoid going down when your sister invites any of her friends over. You’d always naturally assumed that neither of them enjoyed the awkwardness that comes along with hanging around older girls you don’t know but have no choice to play host to (which is a specific and odd type of awkwardness, but a real one just the same), but that seems to be true for only one of your brothers now.
“Since when?”
“For a couple of months now. She — I don’t know,” Jisoo’s hands squeeze around his phone. “She’s so nice. She doesn’t treat me like a kid. Plus, I found out she watches Battlestar Galactica. The original and the remake.”
“Sounds like you’ve got a keeper. So what’s the big deal?”
“I mean, I like her, but I think she just… you know, she’s just nice to me because she has to be — because she’s friends with Sooyeon noona? And I don’t know if I should tell her I like her. And if I do, how should I tell her? And what am I going to do if she says she doesn’t like me back? And what do I do if Sooyeon noona finds out?”
He lifts his eyes, looking at you expectantly, but you’ve been operating under the assumption that these questions are all rhetorical, and you have no response to offer. All you can do is shrug helplessly, which is extremely lame, and Jisoo looks even more devastated now.
“Well, how would you go about it?”
“You’re asking the wrong person,” you snort. “My signature move is stare and stutter. You having a conversation about Battlestar Galactica with a hot cheerleader is a lot, lot farther than I’ve gone.”
“Well, how did Jaemin hyung ask you out?”
“He — hang on — what?”
“How did. Jaemin hyung. Ask you out?” He chops up his sentence like you’re a baby, and you smack his forearm. He doesn’t even flinch.
“He didn’t ask me out because we’re not together, as I repeatedly told you guys earlier this week.”
“Yeah, but some girls from my level saw the two of you near the teacher’s parking lot making out. Which reminds me — I think you have a couple of new… enemies from my year level. You should probably know that.”
“We weren’t making out! We were just talking. I’m —“ You almost want to say you’re loyal to Lee Jeno, but even in your head, it sounds a little pathetic. “I’m not into him. At all. Please don’t make me repeat myself.”
“Fine,” he sighs in frustration, as if it’s your fault that you’re single and therefore useless as a source of advice. “Well, what do you think I should do? If you were her — would you be creeped out by me asking you out?”
“Yeah. Because you’re my brother.”
“I mean if I weren’t.”
“Look, I can’t predict what she’s going to do; even if I were her closest friend, I wouldn’t know what the future was. Why can’t you just ask her out? If you’ve been thinking about it this much, then you’re obviously ready to try, right?”
“What if she says no? I’m going to have to live with Sooyeon noona knowing about it.”
“You’re going to have to live with her regardless, because she’s your sister,” you remind him. “And sooner or later, she’s going to find out. Personally, I think you should tell her. Sooyeon, I mean. She might be able to help you.”
“She might blab and ruin me. Sooyeon noona gossips so much.”
“Hey, watch it. I accept you looking down on me, but I will not have you have any negative opinions on our precious sister.”
“But it’s true,” he groans. You smack his arm again. This time, a tiny ow escapes him.
“I know it is, but it’s her one and only flaw, anyway, and she’d never gossip if she knew it would affect you negatively. Talk. To. Her.”
“Fine,” he picks up his spoon, scraping off the soggy cereal that’s adhered to the bottom of the bowl. You flinch at the loud noise. “Fine, I will. But if this goes horribly, I’m blaming you.”
“You’ll do no such thing,” you say, raising your glass to your lips and finishing the last of your juice while your brother washes his bowl and retreats back into his room.
You can hear the rest of your family slowly waking up, and your mom is the next one to come down, announcing that she’s on her way to go to some quilt-making class that she’s been itching to go to for months. She asks you what you’re going to do today, and you talk about your project in as vague a way as possible so that she doesn’t continuously pry; luckily, she’s so excited about making a quilt today that she doesn’t even try to push it, simply promising to buy more milk on her way home from the class before heading out.
It still seems too early to expect Jeno, so you end up going up the stairs way too slowly, consequently annoying your youngest brother, who’s waiting to go down; he blows past you once you’ve reached the top of the stairs, muttering something about how girls always take their time. The end result of you trying to kill more time is you booting up the Sims on your laptop, making a new household and cheating your way into free real estate and a ton of money so you can move them into the fancier neighborhood. In the end, though, the yipping of the new dogs they’ve adopted gets to you, and you pause the game, finally picking up your phone.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t even ring; the operator voice just tells you the number is unreachable at this time. It takes another five minutes for you to muster up the courage to call Jeno’s sister, who, to your relief, picks up after the third ring with a sleepy ‘hello?’
“Um… I’m sorry to wake you,” you don’t know why you’re whispering, but it just seems appropriate. “I’m… well, Jeno told me to call you if his phone isn’t ringing, so I just… sorry.”
“Oh,” there’s a pregnant pause that makes you wonder if she’s hung up the phone for a short, scary moment. “Oh, right; you’re probably ______________, right?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Yeah. Sorry. Jeno told me you might call. He’s probably got his phone turned off. I’ll go wake him up and tell him to contact you.”
“Thank you,” you’re still whispering when you hang up, and all the extra air escapes you in the form of a relieved sigh once the call drops. You return to your sims with a significantly lighter heart thereafter, and you even get them into cool new jobs before your youngest brother sticks his head into your room without knocking.
“______________ noona, Renjun hyung’s downstairs.”
You press the pause button so hard it actually sounds like the key has cracked, swiveling around in your study chair.
“Renjun? Huang Renjun?”
“Who else?” He sounds annoyed, but that’s how he usually sounds anyway, so you just brush it off. You think about telling your brother to tell him to go away, but your brother is already gone before you can finish deciding if you really want to do this, leaving your door ajar. With a groan, you slip off your chair, only momentarily distracted by your text message alert going off.
[ from; Lee Jeno ] hry sorry. 4got to charge my phone. Battery died. omw to u.
You don’t take the luxury of cooing over how cute his text sounds in your head, running down the stairs instead to see Renjun standing by the front door, twiddling his thumbs. He hears you charging down, looking up as you do so, and you can tell he’s swallowing hard because his Adam’s apple bobs dangerously in his throat. It’d be kind of funny if you weren’t equally as nervous.
“Hey,” he greets, his voice sounding a little choked up, like he hasn’t spoken for days — which, you know, is physically impossible for him.
“Uh. Hey. Why are you — what… are you doing here?” So maybe it comes out a little more accusatory than you’d initially intended, and you see that Renjun recoils a little. You feel bad about it. Kind of.
“I… um… we haven’t spoken for a few days.”
“I know that.”
“Right. Sorry. I was just hoping to talk to you.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m… I… you know.”
“Here to make fun of me? Like you’re so used to doing?” This time, his cringing brings about the slightest wave of pleasure in you, followed immediately by a larger, much more all-consuming attack of guilt.
“No, no. I came here to, you know. Apologize.”
“Oh.” You nod slowly. “I see.”
You wait for him to say something, but he’s just watching you, like he’s waiting for some kind of bigger reaction, except there’s absolutely nothing to react to, so you just give him a look that urges him to keep going.
“Right. Sorry. I mean — I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said back then.” He sighs, and it’s clear he thinks he’s digging his dignity’s grave deeper and deeper as he talks. “I have my reasons for not really liking Jeno. I don’t really know how much that’s going to change in the span of a few days. But I do know that I embarrassed you in front of him, and I don’t want to do that to you, ever. I’m sorry for that.”
“It was kind of embarrassing,” you agree.
“And, more importantly, I… I want to support you. I mean, I really don’t think you guys should get together, if I’m being honest,” he notices you bristling and hastens to add to his sentiments. “But I also know it’s not really about what I think. If you like him, and you’re happy around him, then… I’ll be okay with it. As long as he makes you happy.”
“We’re not together, Renjun,” you reply quietly. “I just like him. One-way crush — that’s it. It’s really, really not that big of a deal. I don’t want to fight just because I have a crush. If you liked someone, just liked them, I wouldn’t stop you from having feelings.”
“I know. I know you wouldn’t because that’s what good friends should be like. I should’ve been a better friend to you.” He takes in a shaky breath. “_______________, I’m really, really sorry. I hate fighting with you like this. Eating donkatsu alone without anyone to complain to about the moistness of the breading was torture.”
You choke out a laugh, and it’s only then that you realize that you’ve been slowly tearing up. Even Renjun looks a little misty-eyed, which is weird for the both of you, considering that you only ever cry watching Ma Dongseok movies.
“It really was kind of soggy.” You agree, and he laughs loudly.
“So this is good, right? I mean… we’re good?”
“We’re good.” You and Renjun rarely hug, since there’s never any cause for it, but it seems appropriate to do so now; luckily, he must be on the same train of thought, because he envelops you in a tighter-than-usual hug. You spend a couple of seconds just standing in your living room, trying not to sniffle too loudly into each other’s ears.
“Anyway,” he starts up again when he pulls away, dabbing at his eyes with his sleeve. “I have to go home and help my mom with her garage sale today, but I’ll see you on Monday?”
“Definitely.”
“Cool. Oh — one more thing. Do you… think you can tell Jeno I’m sorry, too?”
“No,” you laugh. “No way. You tell him you’re sorry yourself.”
“Aw, come on,” Renjun whines, emphasizing his reluctance to do so by stamping his foot childishly. “There’s no context in which I’d be able to get to talk to him alone, anyway.”
“He’s coming over here in a few minutes to start on the project with me,” you inform him, and he actually looks a little crestfallen at this new information. “You can tell him you’re sorry then.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, sitting himself down on the chair near the front door only to sit back up, looking up at you in mild disbelief.
“You still haven’t given Jaemin’s jacket back?”
“Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, I keep forgetting!” You defend yourself.
“He lives right next to you! You could even ask your brothers to do it if you promised to pay them 10,000 won!”
“Yeah, but giving it back through someone else when I could just do it myself just seems so rude, you know?”
“And keeping it even though you have no reason to is polite in your head?”
“Shu— oh, oh, he’s here,” you cut yourself off as you hear the crunch of tires on your driveway, signaling that Jeno had parked in the spot your mom had left behind when she’d gone for her quilting class. Renjun flies off the chair and presses his back against the door before you can fling it open. “Hey!”
“Can you relax for one second? He’s getting out of his car. If you open the door now, you’ll look crazy.”
“Oh,” you pause, considering his words. “Good catch.”
A few moments later, the doorbell rings, and you shoo Renjun away from the door to open it. Jeno’s form is literally blocking the view of the outside, and you briefly wonder if this is more of a testament of his physique or proof that your family is just made up of small people. Or both.
“Hey, sorry,” he pulls off his baseball cap, which leaves his hair adorably flat and messy. “I overslept a little. Also, just in case, I brought my g — oh.”
Jeno stops when his eyes land on Renjun, who’s now miraculously standing behind you, looking like he wants to disappear. The look on Jeno’s face is stony, but he tears his gaze back to you anyway.
“Is this a bad time? I can come back. I’m sure Jaemin’s awake by now.”
“No, it’s cool. Renjun just… dropped by.” You step back so that Renjun is in the forefront, and he shoots you a withering glare. “He actually has something to say to you.”
“Does he?” Jeno doesn’t even sound interested, but he focuses on Renjun again anyway. “What’s that?”
“Look, dude,” you’ve never heard Renjun call anyone dude before, and it makes you snort, a noise which the both of them ignore. “I’m sorry about the other day. It was totally uncool of me, and I shouldn’t have said what I did. I didn’t mean any of it.”
“Oh,” Jeno clearly wasn’t expecting an apology, but he looks pleased anyway. “Okay. Well, apology accepted.”
“Thanks,” even though it’s what he’d wanted, Renjun doesn’t sound too enthusiastic about receiving forgiveness. “And I mean it. I give you both my blessing. You can… pursue this relationship without any more active, explicit judgment from me. Good feelings for everyone, and all that.”
“Okay,” you cut in, not missing the fact that he’d gone out of his way to add active and explicit to allow himself the sneaky sliver of opportunity to judge Jeno in silence. The latter is looking at him, befuddled again. “That’s all you wanted to say, isn’t it, Renjun?”
“I’m not even sure if all of it was what I really wanted to say,” he sighs defeatedly at you. "But yes; I’m good.”
“Cool,” you push him towards the door; Jeno steps aside to let him through, and Renjun walks out, looking a little dazed, like his body can’t handle the idea that he’d just apologized to Jeno and is in the process of going into total shock. “Bye, Renjun. See you on Monday.”
You hear him mumble something as he trudges away, and Jeno follows his movements in silence until he disappears down the sidewalk.
“Was that weird, or—?”
“Yeah, it was kind of weird,” you admit, ushering him in. “But he means well. Anyway, putting that aside, should we get started on the actual proposal?”
“Did he say he gave us his blessing?” Jeno suddenly starts echoing Renjun’s words like they’re only starting to sink in now.
“Oh. Yeah — I wouldn’t really think too much of it,” you wave it away as Jeno settles down on your couch. “Smart people tend to say crazy things. So, I was thinking about the topic you picked, and I think the physics lab has a digital multimeter. We can check if it has that option for measuring sound frequency.”
“Uh huh,” he still looks like he’s not latching onto the topic change, whacking his baseball hat onto his thigh idly. “Sounds good.”
“You know… I’m going to go and get my laptop first,” you announce. Jeno makes a sound of assent, and you run upstairs into your room again. Your Sims game is still going on, and your laptop’s fan is working on overdrive. You press quit a good ten times, not bothering to save the game and open up Facebook, typing out an angry message to Renjun.
You: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU
Na Jaemin: ??????
You: oops sorry wrong send !
Na Jaemin: lol good morning to u too
You leave Jaemin on read, focusing on your mission to chastise Renjun and opening the right chat.
You: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huang Renjun: IDK WHAT HAPPENED THAT WAS SO WEIRD
Huang Renjun: I SAID BLESSING JDGJSSJSF
You: I KNOW I WAS THERE
Huang Renjun: I KNOW IM SORRYRIJSPJG
You: DOSIJGSJG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You almost make it out of your room before having to double back, realizing you’re leaving behind the laptop you came up to get, and run back down, finding Jeno in the same position with the same perplexed look on his face. He, thankfully, doesn’t notice how red your face is when you sit down.
“Okay. Sorry. Should we start?”
“What? Oh, yeah of course,” he shakes his head as through trying to break himself from a trance.
“So I was saying, we could probably borrow one of those multimeters from the lab, but we’d need a written request for that. Also, I think we need to figure out—”
“Sorry, I just really need to ask,” Jeno interrupts you, and your voice dies in your throat. “That thing Huang Renjun said —”
“I’m really sorry.” You sigh, realizing the topic is unavoidable. “It was weird. I’d say he’s not usually like that, but…”
Jeno nods, staring at the inside of his cap, which is now settled on his lap. His long fingers are playing with the backstrap idly, and you wonder if what you’ve said is enough to make him drop the conversation. Unfortunately, you can tell he’s still on it when he looks up at you seriously, leading you to a sharp, uncomfortable inhale.
“You… didn’t tell him we were dating, did you?”
#jeno x you#jaemin x you#jeno x reader#jaemin x reader#ficscafe#nct x you#nct x reader#jeno imagine#jeno scenarios#jeno drabbles#jeno#jaemin imagine#jaemin scenarios#jaemin drabbles#nct scenarios#nct imagine#nct imagines#nct scenario
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Wei Wuxian and the Difficulties of Morality
Wow so I did not realise how much discourse there was around Wei Wuxian and moral greyness. Let me erm… poke around a little because that’s a hobby of mine.
Btw, I usually write about SVSSS. This won’t change. This is a one-off thing (for now).
Firstly, an Anecdote
Fun story, I watched cql and the mdzs donghua with my mum. There were many memorable things that came out of this, but one of the relevant points is an offhanded comment from my mum. She said (translated into English): ‘Wei Wuxian has no face to show Jiang Cheng, because he broke his promise to stay by his side’ (1). For context, my mum grew up in a fairly traditional Asian household. They take their declarations of loyalty seriously (or at least, that is my impression).
I find this interesting, because when it comes to moral judgement, I (who grew up in the west, with a lot of western values) get far more hung up on the things WWX did, rather than some promise he made in his adolescence. Breaking a promise is not ideal, but in my books, doesn’t really count as a huge moral failing.
The point here is not to say anything about the ethics of promise breaking, but to illustrate a point. Different people have different values. Or one person can have conflicting values. There are many scenarios where it’s not possible to say with certainty what is right or wrong. This is moral ambiguity.
(Funnily enough, the issue that my dad took with WWX was the fact he was fiddling around with dead bodies, which was like… the least of my concerns, but then I realised that bodies have a lot of religious significance.)
What even is moral greyness?
There are two possible and equally valid definitions of moral greyness.
1. Characters who are not 100% evil or 100% good
2. Characters who do not fall into the categories of ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
Note that definition 2 is a strictly stronger definition than definition 1. It is not that hard to argue that WWX does not fall under definition 2, in that he is somehow overall ‘good’. (I would also argue that MXTX encourages you to not think too hard about these dichotomies, particularly via SVSSS, but that’s a rabbit hole for another day.) It is also not that hard to argue WWX does fall under definition 1. Mainly because it’s quite hard not to breathe without falling under definition 1.
The Two Kinds of Uncertainty
When it comes to ethical questions, there are two uncertainties you naturally run into. Firstly, uncertainty of the world, which comes from having imperfect information about the situation or consequences of any given action. Secondly, uncertainty around the underlying moral question. Is it okay to sacrifice few for the sake of many? Should we place more value on those close to us in comparison to a stranger?
Humanity has not figured out morality, and certainly not for a lack of trying. Standards change over time. We look at the behaviour of our ancestors just a few hundred years ago with no small amount of repugnance. Most likely, in a few hundred years’ time our descendants will do the same. This isn’t to pass judgement on anything or anybody, but to make an observation that there is nothing you can do in the world that doesn’t inherently come with moral ambiguity, because there is always uncertainty – both of the world and the morals you are applying. And wherever there is moral ambiguity, there is moral greyness (definition 1).
That being said, ‘everything is morally grey’ is not really a helpful statement. There are things that we (society today) generally agree on e.g. ‘killing someone for no reason is bad’ or ‘being nice to people is good’. So the argument I want to posit today is that WWX’s moral greyness goes beyond this in a substantial way.
The Uncertain Character of WWX
The Fundamental Principle of MXTX is that all narrators are unreliable. At the bloodbath of the Nightless City, did WWX kill 5000? 3000? Far fewer? Had WWX acted in a different way, could JYL’s death have been avoided? We’ll never know.
To add to this complexity is subtle shifts in canon depending on the adaptation. WWX tortures Wen Chao pretty brutally in the novel (and even if you hate him, it’s a bit ick). In cql, it ‘fades to black’. In the donghua it’s a nice quick stab. Then there’s all of the fiddling around they did with JGY depending on the adaptations, giving him more or less blame for the events. I’m not sure if ‘novel is the only canon’ is the correct way to go, mainly because adaptation!WWX is interesting to analyse in itself. I won’t explore this too deeply here, but something to keep in mind.
Anyway, I want to argue that WWX is morally grey, through commentary on a few elements of his character.
1. The Horrors of War
WWX does a lot of things that are somewhat eyebrow raising. You know, killing people and stuff. Now it has been pointed out plenty of times that his situation was unusual (it was war!). The moralities surrounding warfare are in itself complicated. A pacifist might argue that war is no excuse for violence, but even without going to such extremes, these days we appreciate that there are some actions that cannot be condoned, even during times of coflict – this is the notion of war crimes.
War crimes are a surprisingly modern thing (people started to care a lot after the atrocities of WWII). Medieval warfare was brutal. Anyway, these include things like ‘torture or inhuman treatment, including biological experiments’ and ‘wanton destruction of cities, towns or villages’. Note that while killing large numbers of enemy soldiers doesn’t fall under war crimes (although some methods of going about this do, like biological weapons), torture does, so that’s one strike against book!WWX. Now there is subtly in these things, because if you judged people by these standards for anything more than 200 years old, basically everyone is committing war crimes without thinking too hard about it. WWX did do a lot of arguably good things in the Sunshot Campaign (whatever good means in war) – he fought against the tyranny of the Wens and was one of the key things that shifted the tides towards victory. Without him, the world might have looked a lot darker. Whether these ‘goods’ weigh over the ‘bads’ is something to think about.
On a slightly softer note, weapons of mass destructions are another cause of serious discussion. Those involved in the Manhattan Project creating the first atomic bomb weren’t exactly all war criminals (moreover, many of them genuinely believed they were doing what was right and necessary) but the consequences of their actions are what they are. So while WWX made the Yin Tiger Talley as a method of deterrence and assurance, considering the consequences of its use and the potential for future misuse, here lies another moral ambiguity.
2. Intent vs Consequences
It’s fair to say that most of the time, WWX’s intentions were good. Whether it be to protect the weak, to stand up for justice, these are all things we can get behind. The consequences of his actions? Well, JYL is dead, as well as a bunch of other people, and most the Wens didn’t survive anyway. That’s a big oof.
Now most people don’t subscribe to the strongest version of consequentialism which judges whether something is right or wrong by its consequences only. As in, for one, it’s almost impossible to apply in practice because you can’t predict the consequences of your actions at the point at which you chose to do them. Case in point, most of the consequences of WWX’s actions weren’t wholly down to WWX and it’s difficult to say if there was anything at all that he could have done to lead to a better outcome. (Arguably, WWX should have tried harder to negotiate with the rest of the cultivation world instead of being a one-man army against them, but in that case, they might have just mowed down the Wens anyway.)
Then again, I think most people do subscribe to at least a weak form of consequentialism. No matter how good the intentions, no matter how righteous and commendable… if the outcome is bad, it’s hard to label those actions as ‘good’ (play pumps is an example if you want to look into how charities can do more harm than good).
I draw no conclusions here. It’s food for thought.
3. On Conflicting Values and Lose-Lose Scenarios
A lot of the above comes from applying modern ethics to a character in a world largely based on ‘Ancient China’ (the quotation marks from the fact Ancient China is several thousands years old and changes significantly over time). We do this all the time. Hell, people are still reimagining the Three Kingdoms and making commentary on the morality of Cao Cao (155-220). MDZS makes a lot of commentary on modern social issues (the ‘mob mentality’ of MDZS feels like Weibo/twitter lol), so viewing it through a modern lens makes sense.
But let’s put that aside for a second and return to my mum’s comment about WWX’s broken promise. By traditional values, family is important. In Confucianism, the Four Virtues are ‘loyalty’, ‘filial piety’, ‘continence’, and ‘righteousness’. To illustrate just how serious family was, in the conflict between Liu Bang and Xiang Yu, Xiang Yu at some point threatened to kill Liu Bang’s father. Then Liu Bang was like ‘we’re sworn brothers, so technically he’s your father too’, and Xiang Yu didn’t kill him, because it would be unfilial to do so. All this is to say, WWX turning his back on his sect and his family was a big deal. Equally, loyalty towards a superior was valued greatly, even towards eyebrow raising superiors.
But Confucianism also teaches the importance of things like ‘righteousness’ and ‘benevolence’. Throughout many dynasties, important people have cared a lot about the grievances of the masses. Bullying the weak and hoarding power unjustly is seen as one of the ultimate evils, a big reason for a leader to lose the Mandate of Heaven, thus becoming unfit to rule. Plenty of subordinates have stood up against the tyranny of their superiors. So WWX standing up to the evils of the Jin clan is highly commendable by these standards too.
Another thing is ‘paying back your benefactors’. In the west, although we do have concepts like ‘owing a life’, I don’t think it’s as strong??? This is also serious business. In the Three Kingdoms, Cao Cao spared his enemy general Guan Yu, and later Guan Yu briefly fought for Cao Cao even though he was an enemy, in order to repay this debt. Wen Ning and Wen Qing saved WWX’s life and helped him when he was in need – WWX has a moral obligation to help them in return.
Thus we see WWX between a rock and hard place. Turn away from the Jiangs and he turns away from his family, and from someone he promised his loyalty to. But turn a blind eye to the treatment of the Wens, and he is a not only allowing evil to go unchallenged, but also abandoning his benefactors. The game is rigged. There is no right move here. Morally ambiguity -> moral greyness.
(Note: A lot of the previous two points can also be viewed from a 'traditional' lens. Mohism has been arguing about pacifism and universal love since 400BC. Taoism has many things to say about intervening in world affairs. Life has always been complicated, and while our language/framework may shift, many of the underlying questions remain.)
(Second note: my knowledge of Chinese philosophy is all the stuff I learnt in Saturday school+a few books/youtube videos aka. not a lot. Please call me out if I'm sprouting nonsense.)
Let’s wrap up
Tl;dr WWX is a morally grey character.
And I haven’t even started on what went down at the Nightless City, or how interesting (read: morally sus) his methods of murder were, or his fantastic takes on risk assessment.
Maybe he’s good overall. Maybe he’s a hero. But heroes too can be morally grey. That’s just a part of life.
1. This is really hard to translate actually, and I think the way I’ve written it makes sense but comes across stronger than it was. More literally it was ‘can’t raise his head towards’. It was sort of explaining why JC was giving WWX a lot of shit later on and WWX wasn’t arguing back, more in a sympathetic way rather than a critical way.
As usual, thank you for reading! Comments and criticism appreciated, but I may be significantly slower getting back because my brain is in svsss mode rn :)
#mdzs#mdzs meta#wei wuxian#wei ying#i started writing this at midnight#its now 4am#why do i do this?
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Dannymay17
Promise
Ghosts aren’t superstitious by nature. Not exactly.
No. Some just have principles that they live by, rules they don’t break.
This is typically a choice but, what ghosts are is stubborn by nature. If they abide by their convention without fail, let it shape them, let it become a facet of their person, their cores can strain to help them meet their condition.
However, with a rule so deeply ingrained, as heeded as their very obsession, there can be… a backlash. Consequences for failure.
Some ghosts might not be able to enter a house unless invited, and thus tend not to enter houses. Others may have to abide by debts absolutely, leading to them avoiding people in most cases.
And Danny, he tends not to make promises, and when he does, he always manages to keep them.
Because of this, it takes him a while to realize the headspace he is in, to recognize there are physical repercussions for failing to do so.
oOo
“Then promise me you won’t get hurt.” Jazz pleaded.
Danny couldn’t meet her gaze at that, kicking at the ground anxiously, “I- I can’t-“
“Danny, promise me.”
“Okay.” He nodded, “I’ll be careful. In and out, I swear.” He said with a wince. It was a promise he intended to keep; he wouldn’t get into a fight if he could help it but, some things were beyond his control…
Danny tried not to dwell on the tense feeling in his chest at the uncertainty of his promise, and rushed off to save his friends.
oOo
His friends were safe. He was home. Everything was fine.
Only it wasn’t, because Danny felt like he was burning from the inside-out. He felt every bruise from his fight that hadn’t healed, wouldn’t heal. He struggled to breathe as he was caught in the grasps of a breakdown that he’d been barely staving off since the first low landed.
Panic and pain overwhelmed him, and all of Danny’s thoughts circled back around that encounter with Jazz.
His promise, he’d promised, he’d broken his promise.
It wasn’t too bad, hadn’t been anything he couldn’t handle. But he had still gotten hurt. He’d promised he wouldn’t and then he did.
If he could so easily break one promise what was to stop him from breaking others. If he had so little control over something so simple as avoiding a fight, how could he change the future.
Maybe nothing had changed. His promise meant nothing, and everyone would suffer for it, because he was nothing more than an oath breaker.
He’d failed, he’d failed, he’d failed.
He couldn’t breathe.
oOo
Jazz didn’t know what what was wrong, but she didn’t hesitate to rush across Danny’s room, kneeling by where her brother sat crouched.
When she had gotten no response from him, she had opened the door to see white flames licking at his hair, breathe coming faster than Jazz heard since before he died, as he huddled in on himself against the wall.
“Danny?” She asked, trying not to panic in turn, “Danny what is it? What’s wrong?” She tried, moving a hand to his shoulder.
He jolted, head snapping up. Jazz flinched back pulling her hand back as terrified, red-green eyes met hers.
Slowly, making sure Danny could see her hands, Jazz moved them to cup his face.
“C’mon little brother, you’re alright… try and match my breathing.” She soothed, taking slow, deliberate breaths as Danny watched, slowly calming down.
After a few minutes he was breathing slightly slower than Jazz, lungs settling to their regular pace, and as the flames peeking through his hair died, Jazz hugged her brother close.
After deliberating, she decided to ask him, “What happened?”
Danny let out a distressed wheeze, akin to a sob. “I- I didn’t-“
“Shhhh… stay calm.”
“… I broke my promise.” He finally replied in a hushed tone, as though he was confessing some heinous crime.
“Your promise…” she mumbled, confused, before remembering, “The one you made to me before you left?” She asked, urgently. He didn’t look injured, but there was clearly something happening to him.
Danny nodded, not meeting her eyes.
“Are you hurt? Did a ghost do this?” She worried.
“Its just bruises, but- Jazz I broke my promise.” His voice wavered as he said it.
She knew how fast those sorts of injuries healed, but that didn’t keep her from wanting to go and grab the bruise cream from her first aid kit.
Jazz wondered if Danny was aware of his changing appearance, but clearly he was more focused on how he hadn’t been able to keep the promise he made, and she wasn’t about to invalidate that. “You didn’t manage to keep it no, but I’m sure you tried your best.” She comforted.
“Well my best wasn’t good enough!” He cried, eyes bright red.
“Hey, hey, no.” She defended hastily, “You’re fine though. You’re here and you’re safe, Danny. That’s all I’m asking for from you.”
“…” Danny didn’t look totally convinced, but the red drained from his eyes and the pale (blue?) patches on his skin that she hadn’t noticed, shrank to nearly nothing.
“Are you feeling better?” She questioned tentatively.
“…yeah.” He murmured, dishonestly. He definitely wasn’t doing great after whatever that episode had been, but he didn’t explain further and she didn’t want to push him.
Jazz sighed, pulling Danny in to another hug, willing to sit with him for as long as he needed.
#danny phantom#hav some soft good sibling Jazz#dp#danny fenton#jazz fenton#fanfiction#phicc#fanfic#danny phantom au#dp headcanons#dannymay 2022#dpau#dannymay day 17#dannymay2022#dannymay promise#Danny’s just stressing out over the Dan stuff and it’s projecting onto his form#he’s not actually turning into Dan#it’s just a deterrent from his core to not break promise#one that definitely would have traumatized him if he’d actually noticed#aka if Jazz hadn’t been there to interrupt his spira
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Queering the medical ethics of pregnancy to problematize a desire for “normal fetal outcomes” is an abandonment of evidence-based medicine and the principle of “do no harm.”
By: Jennifer Lahl MA, BSN, RN and Kallie Fell, MS, BSN, RN
Published: Jul 18, 2023
In recent years, a striking paradigm shift in medical ethics has emerged, driven by progressive political ideologies purporting to champion “Social Justice.” This shift has precipitated a surge in initiatives centered around diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI). The resulting effects have varied considerably; they include the introduction of explicit racial bias in treatment protocols in a quest for “health equity,” and an unsettling disregard for biological sex as an important variable in both medical research and patient care. Instead, the new radical movement favors categorizing individuals based on their self-identified and medically irrelevant “gender identity.”
Even more alarmingly, we are witnessing a direct assault on the language associated with women’s health in medicine. Terms traditionally used in clinical settings, such as “mothers,” are being replaced with neutral alternatives like “birthing parents.” Similarly, the term “women” is frequently substituted with “individuals with a cervix,” even though nearly half of women don’t know what a cervix is and such language may therefore cause a significant number of women to forgo important routine cervical screenings.
This trend of overlooking biological sex as a critical medical variable stems from an ideological drive to “queer” the natural world. The proponents of this view resist categorization, arguing that such practices are instruments of oppression wielded by the powerful against the less powerful. According to this perspective, medicine must eschew not only biological categorization of patients, but also traditional notions of what is deemed desirable or adverse patient outcomes.
These ideological shifts have raised substantial concerns regarding potential harm that such denial of biological realities could inflict on patients. However, recent academic discourse has escalated these concerns to new levels. A provocative new paper in the journal Qualitative Research in Health titled “Medical uncertainty and reproduction of the ‘normal’: Decision-making around testosterone therapy in transgender pregnancy” by Pfeffer and colleagues propels us further down the road of medical malpractice.
The authors, a group of transgender sociologists and enthusiasts, and healthcare activists, with not one medical degree among them, argue to dramatically move the goal posts of medical ethics, choosing to completely disregard the health, safety, and well-being of the developing fetus, all in the name of “trans” inclusion. Abiding by their paper’s guidance would land us in a vacuum devoid of medical ethics and a seismic shift away from the importance of scientific research and medical evidence in favor of activist directed healthcare.
The authors argue that “gendered” pregnancy care is too focused on helping women have healthy babies, and that it might be okay for transmen to continue taking testosterone during pregnancy despite the known health risks to the fetus and effects on its normal development. The desire for “normal fetal outcomes,” according to the authors, is rooted in a problematic desire “to protect their offspring from becoming anything other than ‘normal’” and “reflect historical and ongoing social practices for creating ‘ideal’ and normative bodies.”
This is, quite frankly, insane.
In the paper, Pfeffer et al. maintain that:
[L]acking and uncertain medical evidence (HRT with testosterone during pregnancy and chest feeding) in a highly gendered treatment context (pregnancy and lactation care), both patients and providers tend to pursue precautionary, offspring-focused treatment approaches.
We argue that medical ethics exists to guide medical providers and protect both the expectant mother and her future offspring.
The authors of the article strive to underscore the prevailing power dynamic and expertise discrepancy between medical professionals and their pregnant patients. They also highlight “lack of training on trans pregnancy care,” and the failure of the current “precautionary approach” within a “highly-gendered space of pregnancy care.” However, conspicuously absent is any robust, concrete data to substantiate their claims. Instead, they bolster their argument by cherry-picking quotations from their study involving a pool of 70 international “trans” individuals and 22 “health care providers who self-identified as focusing their practice with trans populations.”
Before continuing, we must point out the obvious flaw in the article: pregnancy care isn’t “gendered,” it’s sexed. Only the biologically fertile human females of our species possess the physical attributes necessary for pregnancy and childbirth. This is a simple biological reality.
Let us now turn our attention to the role of a physician in caring for a pregnant woman and the developing fetus.
The doctor-patient relationship is sacred, considered to be the core element in the ethical principles of medicine. Medicine’s practice, at its heart, is a moral undertaking, thus conferring upon the physician the fiduciary duty of ‘primum non nocere’—first, do no harm. In the seminal work Principles of Biomedical Ethics by Tom Beauchamp and James Childress, they delineate the four fundamental principles of medical ethics, often known as the “Georgetown Mantra”:
Beneficence: the duty to “do good”
Non-maleficence: the duty to “not do bad”
Respect for Autonomy: respecting a patient’s right to self-determination
Justice: the principle to treat all people equally and equitably
In the context of pregnancy, the physician must uphold these principles towards both the mother and her unborn child(ren).
The authors of the new paper are quick to point out the power and expertise imbalance between doctors and patients. This is neither a new nor concerning arrangement. Firstly, it is expected and indeed desirable that our physicians possess deeper knowledge and expertise in the field of medicine. We seek their counsel precisely because of their expertise, and in matters of pregnancy, we particularly rely on those with training in midwifery or obstetrics and gynecology. When complications arise during pregnancy, we consult specialists trained in managing high-risk cases or practitioners of maternal-fetal medicine.
Secondly, women are keenly aware of the potential power disparities, or injustices, that exist in medicine, notably in obstetrics and gynecology. This field, with historical roots in unethical practices and racism, often compels women to forego modesty and disclose their vulnerabilities. But one doesn’t need to enter a maternity ward to understand the difference between how men and women are treated in medicine. Generally speaking, women are often not accorded the same degree of seriousness as men in healthcare, particularly concerning pain. Research has shown that women’s pain and suffering are more frequently dismissed or misdiagnosed, especially among women of color. Instances of women being prescribed sedatives instead of pain medication, and misdiagnoses during heart attacks, are sadly commonplace.
A recent episode of The Retrievals, a podcast by The New York Times, titled “The Patients,” unveiled startling experiences of women at the Yale fertility clinic who underwent intense, unexpected pain during egg retrieval procedures. These women recount how “their pain was not taken seriously” and “they were not believed.” It emerged that a nurse at the clinic had been illicitly swapping fentanyl for saline. Even after this revelation, the center seemed to downplay the harm and pain suffered by these women, who had endured excruciating medical procedures with saline salt water as a substitute for anesthesia. These imbalances and injustices are not isolated to “trans” patients and should not be co-opted as a rationale for altering medical guidelines or evidence-based care, especially regarding the most vulnerable among us—the unborn child. Rather, these disparities should move medical professional societies, such as the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) and the Endocrine Society, to uphold the highest standards of medical practice, grounded in empirical evidence and biological fact, irrespective of a patient’s sex.
The cornerstone of a patient’s trust lies in their belief that their physician’s recommended treatment plan will consistently be informed by these four core principles of medical ethics outlined above.
The concerns raised by Pfeffer and colleagues focus on the modern treatment approach physicians take, which they deem excessively “precautionary” and “offspring-focused.” Fortunately, caring for the child and the mother are neither mutually exclusive nor zero-sum. In situations where a woman aspires to become pregnant and commits to motherhood, physicians can provide care that optimizes outcomes for both parties while minimizing potential harm. If a woman chooses to continue a pregnancy, doesn’t the developing fetus also have a right to the four principles of medical ethics? In such cases, the physician is duty-bound to care for both the child and the mother. There will of course be circumstances when the mother may need to cease a particular medication or treatment to safeguard the fetus, and the physician must provide comprehensive counsel to the family, elucidating the risks and rewards involved for both the mother and the vulnerable life developing in utero.
One doesn’t have to look hard to find a list of drugs and substances that are known to be harmful to a developing fetus. Yet, for numerous other substances, safety remains indeterminate due to insufficient research. Pregnant women participating in clinical trials present intricate ethical challenges, potentially subjecting unborn babies to an array of unanticipated iatrogenic issues. Further, scientists might be hard-pressed to find a mother who would be willing to risk the health of her unborn child to advance scientific or medical understanding. Given the nature of the type of research that would be needed to satisfy the safety threshold for women remaining on their high dose testosterone throughout their pregnancy and breast-feeding period, we can again imagine a very small subset of pregnant women who would be willing and eligible to participate in this research endeavor.
This raises serious questions: Should we allow unborn children to be the subjects in medical research? Should we allow breastfeeding, newborn infants to be subjects in clinical trials? This concern is highlighted in the statement of a participant from the study under scrutiny, who pondered, “If I take testosterone, will that reduce my milk production? Will it transfer to my kid? I don’t know. Again, we don’t have any information on that because nobody lets cis women take testosterone and breastfeed” (emphasis our own).
Current research is already probing the effects of testosterone on breast milk production and its impact on breastfeeding infants. One unsurprising preliminary finding suggest that elevated testosterone levels adversely affect milk production. The La Leche League notes that “testosterone interferes with the hormone necessary for lactation (prolactin) and can cause a significant decrease in milk supply” and may shorten the the length of time a baby is able to breastfeed and increases the amount of formula supplementation.
Presently, testosterone is classified as a teratogenic, US FDA pregnancy category X drug, suggesting it can induce birth defects. It is labeled as such because “studies in pregnant women have demonstrated a risk to the fetus, and/or human or animal studies have shown fetal abnormalities; risks of the drug outweigh the potential benefits.”
It is well-established that prenatal exposure to androgens, such as testosterone, can cause genital defects in females. Androgens act as masculinizing hormones, guiding the formation of male genitalia and inhibiting the development of a vaginal opening in males. Consequently, medical practitioners are not displaying “cisnormativity and judgement” in their handling of “trans” patients regarding testosterone “therapy”; they are fulfilling their ethical duties of beneficence and non-maleficence. Given the known effects of testosterone on a developing fetus, a conservative, precautionary approach is duly warranted.
Before moving on, we would like to provide a direct quote from a woman taking testosterone that Pfeffer et al. highlight in their article:
There’s a bunch of research around androgen exposure in utero and intersex conditions…I did have a little bit of a complex feeling around working hard to not have an intersex child… As someone who is gender ‘other,’ to work hard to not create a different body that is gender ‘other,’ it feels weird. It feels a little hypocritical. But it kind of came down to wanting the child I created to have the most options in their own body in their own life which most intersex folks don’t have fertility open to them.
It’s essential to differentiate between being intersex and being transgender. Intersex variations or differences in sex development impact an individual’s chromosomes, genitals, hormones, reproductive system (including the gonads), and their entire life. Research shows that intersex adults experience significantly more health issues and are more likely to report physical health limitations than those without intersex variations. These are serious considerations for both expecting mothers and healthcare providers.
When considering the experimental nature of women who are on high-dose testosterone while pregnant, we concur with the authors that there is a scarcity of evidence and studies, but this is largely because this is unchartered territory. Safe and ethical methods to study, track, and monitor this demographic are lacking, as is a substantial sample size necessary to collect meaningful data. Putting the fetus aside for a moment, we currently have no data on the effects of testosterone on the pregnant woman herself, specifically a pregnant woman with gender dysphoria.
For those who wish to become pregnant, taking testosterone can be problematic. As indicated by Planned Parenthood, “some trans men’s ability to get pregnant might decrease after taking testosterone for a while,” in some cases halting ovulation entirely. In such instances, stopping testosterone may be necessary to conceive. For those who managed to conceive while still on testosterone, the NHS website recommends pausing testosterone usage during pregnancy and that pregnancy itself could trigger mood fluctuations and exacerbate feelings of “gender dysphoria.”
Pfeffer and colleagues write that most participants in their study use testosterone “as a critical medically managed component of their transition” and that there are concerns and fears about pausing testosterone prior to or during pregnancy and the postpartum period. Specifically, pausing testosterone would make “public recognition as a man more challenging” and might increase body dysphoria and depression, including postpartum depression. We have to stop here, rub our eyes, and shake our heads. Why would someone wanting to pass as a male desire to take on the very female task of pregnancy? Not only that, but none of the stated concerns or fears of stopping testosterone during pregnancy, postpartum, or while breastfeeding are life-threatening or permanent conditions. There are ways to safely manage depression and body dysphoria that don’t involve potentially harmful compounds.
Pregnancy, postpartum, and breastfeeding are stages known to be associated with dramatic hormonal shifts. Physicians must consider these factors when counseling a patient who is also taking exogenous hormones, like testosterone. The effects of external testosterone on the female body during pregnancy, postpartum, and breastfeeding remain unknown.
It seems that at least one of the the doctors interviewed agreed:
I think if you choose to have a pregnancy and your female hormone levels would be already so high that testosterone probably wouldn’t even mentally help… if you’re producing breast milk and you couldn’t be without testosterone for mental health… if you couldn’t deal without testosterone, then you probably shouldn’t be pregnant.
Upon reviewing the treatment approach proposed in the article, it’s clear that the authors lack a nuanced understanding of medical ethics and the principles of evidence-based medicine. They offer a distorted interpretation of the four basic principles of medical ethics and their application to patient care. If a “trans man” seeks to conceive and bear a child, the physician is obligated to safeguard both patients—the parent and the fetus.
The authors’ suggestion that medical providers should deviate from the principle of “do no harm” to follow paths where the evidence indicates harm is quite shocking. This perspective, driven more by ideology, emotions, and personal desires than by evidence, conflicts with the foundations of evidence-based medicine.
==
By: John Ely
Published: Jul 20, 2023
Fury over 'insane' call to let pregnant trans men take testosterone despite risk to babies - as woke, Government-funded researchers claim gender-affirming care is more important than having a 'normal' kid
Controversial study was funded by a £500,000 grant funded by the UK taxpayer
Pregnant transmen shouldn't be pressured to stop taking testosterone despite the risks it poses to babies, researchers have controversially claimed in a Government-funded study.
Current maternity care guidance for transmen — biological women who identify as the opposite gender — recommends they stop hormone treatment in pregnancy.
The NHS warns it could 'affect the baby's development', with some studies linking exposure to the male sex hormone in the womb to genital abnormalities.
Testosterone is listed as a 'category X' substance in pregnancy in the US because of the dangers it poses to a foetus.
But a panel of experts, including three from Britain, said the current advice centres too heavily on preventing babies from developing birth defects.
Objections against the use of testosterone in pregnancy are too focused on creating 'normal' babies, they argued.
Instead, the team — given a £500,000 grant by a subsidiary of Britain's UK Research and Innovation to conduct research on trans male experiences — suggested NHS guidelines should be shifted to better support trans men to live out their gender identity.
The three British experts were sociologists hailing from the universities of Sheffield, Westminster and Glasgow.
American bioethicists Jennifer Lahl and Kallie Fell called the findings 'insane'.
Writing for the website Reality’s Last Stand, they said: 'Abiding by their paper’s guidance would land us in a vacuum devoid of medical ethics and a seismic shift away from the importance of scientific research and medical evidence in favor of activist directed healthcare.'
Testosterone is considered teratogenic, meaning that it has been linked to birth abnormalities.
Female foetuses are particularly vulnerable to the effects, scientists believe.
High levels of the hormone in the mother's body have been linked to problems with genital development, a process called masculinisation.
Studies suggest this can lead to incontinence and infertility, and trigger subsequent psychological consequences later in life.
Writing in the journal SSM - Qualitative Research in Health, the researchers, which consisted of experts from the US, Australia and Italy, argued such concerns should take a backseat compared to the harms trans men might experience from not taking their hormones.
'Both patients and providers tend to pursue precautionary, offspring-focused treatment approaches,' they wrote.
'These approaches reinscribe binarized notions of sex, resulting in social control in their attempts to safeguard against non-normative potential future outcomes for offspring.
'These offspring-focused risk-avoidance strategies and approaches are, we argue, part of the gendered precautionary labour of pregnancy and pregnancy care itself, and not without potentially-harmful consequences for trans people.'
They based their arguments on a survey of 70 trans people, as well as answers from 22 health care providers who worked with trans people.
Most trans men they quizzed had fears about ceasing testosterone treatment during pregnancy, it was claimed.
Worries included the fear of losing facial hair, change in voice and being mistaken for a woman.
Other feared being misgendered, which could result in 'increased levels of body dysphoria and depression'.
Some volunteers described their opposition to ceasing testosterone while pregnant, explicitly stating they had wanted to be a 'pregnant man'.
Healthcare providers offered mixed answers in what guidance they provided.
But most offered a 'precautionary' approach, warning trans men about the potential risk testosterone posed to their baby.
The authors were critical of this approach, writing stating such advice 'may not take into full consideration the degree to which some trans people’s sense of self and wellbeing is linked to continuing testosterone therapy'.
A UK Research and Innovation spokesperson told the MailOnline the project was funded by its its Economic and Social Research Council.
They added: 'The Economic and Social Research Council invests in a diverse research and innovation portfolio. Decisions to fund the research projects we support are made via a rigorous peer review process by relevant independent experts from across academia and business.'
[ Continued... ]
==
Jesus Christ...
we find that health care providers reinscribe their status and authority, in the context of uncertainty, by prescribing caution as they advise their trans patients to pause testosterone therapy,
What they're trying to say here is that in the absence of 100% certainty, then any medical guidance is just entirely a guess (just as "assigning sex" is just a "guess"; this is how postmodernism deconstructs), and no better than any other guess by anyone else, including the mother. And any advisory given is simply the medical professional enforcing the power granted by their institutional positionality, and not anything to do with years of medical training and experience.
center normative development of trans offspring, and cast trans patients' pursuit of testosterone therapy during pregnancy as illicit or selfish.
"Sorry you're sterile and have deformed uterus or testicles, but it was all worthwhile because mommy really needed to grow in her beard."
Worries included the fear of losing facial hair, change in voice and being mistaken for a woman.
Other feared being misgendered, which could result in 'increased levels of body dysphoria and depression'.
Well, being accurately perceived as a pregnant woman certainly is far worse than having life-long medical complications because your mother was a rampaging egomaniac who couldn't put her vanity aside for 9 months to give a shit about her own baby. Because eating an unwashed apple and having a few sips of wine make you irresponsible, but injecting unnatural levels of powerful mood and body-altering hormones for cosmetic purposes is just being a good parent. /s
There's nothing more uniquely female than being pregnant. You're going to be perceived as a woman. Because you are. If you can't get over that, why are you pregnant?
If you actually had clinically significant dysphoria, the entire idea of getting pregnant should have triggered you in the first place. And if you proceed anyway, then you already accepted the consequences of this choice and forfeit the right to whining about being "misgendered."
explicitly stating they had wanted to be a 'pregnant man'.
Creating a baby as a prop for a fetish is an absolute gutter-trash low.
These same people would stare daggers at a pregnant woman smoking, while being narcissistically as dismissive of their own baby's wellbeing.
When your pregnancy is all about you and not your baby, you're an gaping, prolapsed asshole and an unfit mother.
#Jennifer Lahl#Kallie Fell#gender ideology#pregnancy#testosterone#cross sex hormones#child endangerment#unfit parents#queer theory#narcissism#pregnant man#a new low#fucking had it#i don't even fucking care#religion is a mental illness
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Get to know my Tav
About Vaela...
Nickname/Alias: Stormreaver
Pronouns: She/Her
Age: 35
Race/Subrace: Asmodeus Tiefling
Class: Barbarian
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Deity: None
Love Interest: Halsin
Best Friend(s): @kyokazune, Lae'zel, Karlach, Shadowheart (she loves all her companions, okay?)
Background...
Vaela is a Tiefling warrior on a relentless quest for redemption. Born into a clan known for its prowess in battle and its connection to elemental fire, she once wielded her golden axe with ferocity and blind loyalty. However, a pivotal moment changed everything when she stood against her own kin to protect an innocent village.
Haunted by the weight of her past misdeeds, Vaela embarked on a journey of redemption, seeking to atone for her sins. Her path is marked by fierce determination and unwavering loyalty to those she holds dear. Though her fiery temper and formidable strength may intimidate some, beneath her tough exterior lies a heart burdened by guilt and remorse.
Driven by the desire to right wrongs and protect the innocent, Vaela navigates a world filled with danger and uncertainty. Alongside her companions, she faces challenges that test her resolve and force her to confront the demons of her past. Yet, through it all, she remains steadfast in her commitment to forge a new path guided by principles of virtue, compassion, and redemption.
Favored…
Weapon: Greataxe
Spell: Speak with Animals (talking to animals is sometimes easier than speaking with people...)
Skill: Rage
Ability: Strength
Stats…
STR - 20
DEX - 13
CON - 15
INT - 8
WIS - 12
CHA - 10
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I guess I already knew this, but it's always kind of astonishing how little medical providers seem to feel the need to communicate with their patients!
Like, my mom had surgery yesterday, and her doctor hasn't even committed to her getting to stay in the hospital again tonight. Even though she's expressed her desire to do so several times, and to several people, we're still not certain we won't have to take her home today. And it's almost 1pm!
Even disregarding the simple rudeness of that, and the stress the uncertainty could cause for the patient, (which, like. Shouldn't be disregarded.) there's also the logistical issues! Someone else has to take her home, and take care of her! People have jobs, and commitments!! Some people (though luckily neither I nor my brother) have children to take care of!! You can't just expect a whole family to be put on hold indefinitely, and if you DO expect that, you need to clearly communicate that expectation!! (I made sure my schedule was clear for 3 days, but it's the principle.)
And they don't tell her much about her schedule for the day, or anything. The nurses have mostly been very nice and polite, but it's difficult for her to get definitive answers to her questions from them. She hasn't even been told whether it's okay for her to use the shower in her room, even though she's expressed that not having showered is making her uncomfortable. They all act like the decisions are up to someone else, but no one seems to know who the "someone else" is. I mean, I guess it's the doctor, who spent maybe a total of five minutes talking to my mom early this morning. I'm told he mostly said, "we'll have to see how you do", which would be more understandable if he had actually made an appearance since. Like, how are you going to "see how she does" if you haven't even seen her??
I will grant, my mother is very passive and deferential and will not ask follow-up questions, but, like, so are many other people??? That doesn't mean they don't deserve information about their care! And communicating with patients who are reticent to communicate should be a skill and a priority to these providers, not something they can neglect.
Also, she specifically told us before her surgery, "was I nice? I want them to like me so that they are careful with me." She was scared!! They put her under and cut her leg open and apart, and she was nervous about that, and was aware that they would have all the power when it was happening!! She hasn't told anyone here that they're all mispronouncing her last name for the same reason. She doesn't want to ruffle any feathers, because she knows that these people are in a position to, very literally, hurt her if she does.
And, yeah, personally, I don't share these fears. I believe in advocating for myself, and, if I can't trust in my providers' compassion for me or their pride in their own work, I'm willing to put my faith in the power my money has over them, and the power I have to potentially make life more difficult for them in the future. But, like, my mother's not wrong, either!
#disclaimer that my mom is doing well and going to be fine#my life#healthcare#american healthcare#medicine#doctors#surgery#hospitals#and this is like. a patient with insurance and money at what is considered a very high-end facility!
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Let's talk about Caesar Flickerman.
What's your opinion about him?
Where do you think Caesar falls onto, supporter of the Capitol or belong to the secret rebel line?
What's your favourite interview moment with Caesar? Why do you like this moment?
What do you think happened with Caesar after the war? Do you think he survived?
How do you like the portrayal in the movies from the books?
Do you like Stanley Tucci performance as Caesar?
Spoiler for TBOSAS :
What do you think the relationship between Lucky and Caesar? Actual blood relative? Or something else?
Thank you :)
@curiousnonny
Rebels or Capitol?
We tend to choose sides, because everything is simpler and clearer this way. However, in reality, things are not black and white. Uncertainty, mystery and a third side in between - this is about Caesar Flickerman, in my opinion. That's tricky. You can hate him, or you can love him - there is a mystery on the other side of the screen, and we will never know the truth.
My truth is that I love him. Appearance, behavior and the morality that can hide behind all this.
For me, he is exactly that Capitolian with a love of luxury and fun, but there is also an awareness of the whole situation. Is he against the terrible system? - Yes. Can he openly object without risk? - No. The Capitol, in any case, is his home, in every sense, and he cannot and will not want to give it up. We react poorly to something when it doesn't directly affect us. So he will happily live his sinful Capitol life, but behind the scenes of lies he will cry, hiding his tears. Too much drama, yes. But it suits him. Because he can do both.
In the end, Caesar and the victors remain of no use to anyone: neither the Capitol nor the districts (which gives some additional similarity and connection between them). In the Caesar's case: for the Capitol, he is a bright picture from the TV screen and part of the entertainment, nothing more, if he is rebel, then he will become a traitor in their eyes (cancel culture in the Capitol hmmm); for the districts he will always remain a symbol of games, i.e. a constant reminder of the death of the innocent. There is not much choice.
As for the interviews, I will choose not the games themselves, but that interview with Peeta Mellark in MJ. And this small piece is important to me as this duality.
- Caesar places his hand on Peeta’s chest in a gesture that’s both self-protective and conciliatory. “Okay, Peeta, I believe you.”
I'm not sure where I see him after the canon events , but it would be nice of him to remain alive, of course :) (give us part of the redemption arc or something, but this will reveal the curtain of mystery) Although as a symbol of the games he should have disappeared, in this new Panem There is no place for the old Caesar Flickerman. So he will have to change, most likely painfully.
Movie interpretation is complicated. The outer shell, i.e. appearance and behavior, yes, everything is wonderful, I still like it, and I can’t get away from it, but the inner essence, I reconsidered it and my thoughts changed. Therefore, the cameo from MJ part 2 does not exist ( mj2 caesar not real, he can’t hurt you) (but I would leave the movie part where he was in the third interview with peeta in MJ; I have some ideas)
tbosas:
We don’t talk about Lucretius us us us…. It surprises and upsets me how quickly everyone accepted the dad situation. When I read the ballad, I thought of Flickerman ancestor as a cringe uncle or grandfather, just the kind that everyone would like to forget about. Not a father at all, it’s very boring and uninteresting. Caesar's place in the plot suggests that he is unique and very good at his job. Master of Ceremonies. Why does he need, in principle, an almost identical relative from the past? There are a lot of things I don't like about the prequel, and this is one of them. Even if I left Lucretius in the canon, he definitely would not be a father.
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My "Threshold" ramblings
In honor of Threshold Day, I watched the episode for the first time! And I was surprised, because in opposition to its reputation, it's a generally solid and effective episode. Definitely out there, but not profoundly beyond the pale.
Firstly, the transformation scenes are gut-twistingly effective. The makeup effects are stunning and disturbing, and McNeill sells the instability of Paris' mind. The bit where he coughs up his tongue genuinely made me nauseous! That Emmy was earned and deserved.
The atmosphere of the entire sequence is so well done. Definitely one of the best Trek horror tones. Two stand out. First, in sickbay when Paris revives, that uncertainty is sold by the lighting, music and Picardo's trepidation. Second, the Red Alert sequence, especially when Janeway hears something behind her and reaches for her phaser.
Okay, the evolution thing was silly and wall-bangingly wrong about how evolution works (there's no such thing as "more evolved"). That said, pointing out that a species evolving doesn't mean "improving" (as the lizards are less sapient than homo sapiens) is a fun touch.
As for why Voyager never tried transwarp? It turns people into lizards. That's the definition of an unacceptable risk! Sure the Doctor changed them back once, but other factors could complicate that. And who knows if the nacelle stabilizing principles would scale up to starship level easily, Voyager could tear herself apart.
The daddy issues weren't well executed, yeah, but who can't relate to not living up to self-imposed standards? And that late transformation bit where he deliriously says that they'll be glad he's gone? Chills.
The music is excellent. Jay Chattaway sells the nobility and excitement of being a pioneer pushing at a barrier, and then twists that into horror as Paris breaks down.
The salamanders are just so adorable!
You know what, Chakotay made the right call to leave the three youngster salamanders. They escaped into water, should he go wading for them? ;)
(There is a better timeline where Voyager did have them in a terrarium as an occasional running gag.)
Overall, I enjoyed it. It hits a perfect sweet spot of genuinely compelling and bonkers absurd, and that's what makes Star Trek fun. Some days you get profound insight into the human condition, political intrigue and social commentaries, and sometimes you get a fever dream where two people get turned into lizards. And Trek would be lesser without it.
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In concluding their piece, Lahl and Fell said: 'The authors' suggestion that medical providers should deviate from the principle of 'do no harm' to follow paths where the evidence indicates harm is quite shocking.""This perspective, driven more by ideology, emotions, and personal desires than by evidence, conflicts with the foundations of evidence-based medicine.'
MSU sociology professor Dr. Carla Pfeffer is slammed over scientific journal article saying trans men should be allowed to take testosterone while pregnant, despite warnings hormones may trigger severe health issues in fetuses
Dr. Carla Pfeffer published a paper alongside five other academics concerning the use of testosterone therapy during transgender pregnancy
The sociology professor and her cohorts have since been slammed by two nurses for disregarding the safety of a fetus 'in the name of trans inclusion'
Jennifer Lahl and Kallie Fell hit back at the study, deeming one portion of it 'quite frankly, insane'
By JOE HUTCHISON FOR DAILYMAIL.COM
PUBLISHED: 10:37 EDT, 20 October 2023
A professor has been slammed over a scientific journal in which she said trans man should be allowed to take testosterone while pregnant, despite warnings it could trigger severe health issues.
Dr. Carla Pfeffer, who is not a medical doctor, penned a new paper alongside five other academics titled 'Medical uncertainty and reproduction of the 'normal': Decision-making around testosterone therapy in transgender pregnancy.
Pfeffer, who is a sociology professor at Michigan State University, argues that pregnancy care is too focused on helping women have healthy babies, and that trans men might be fine to take testosterone while pregnant.
The authors , who are sociologists, have since been accused of choosing to disregard the safety of a developing fetus 'in the name of trans inclusion'.
In a scathing response to the paper, two nurses have criticized the article saying if abiding by their take 'would land us in a vacuum devoid of medical ethics'.
Dr Carla Pfeffer, pictured here, published a paper alongside five other academics concerning the use of testosterone therapy during transgender pregnancy
The sociology professor and her cohorts have since been slammed by two nurses for disregarding the safety of a fetus 'in the name of trans inclusion'
Authors Jennifer Lahl and Kallie Fell, who is the Executive Director at The Center for Bioethics and Culture, published a response to the paper titled: 'Is There a Doctor in the House?'
In it, they said: 'The authors argue that 'gendered' pregnancy care is too focused on helping women have healthy babies, and that it might be okay for transmen to continue taking testosterone during pregnancy despite the known health risks to the fetus and effects on its normal development.
'This is, quite frankly, insane.'
In the paper, Pfeffer and her fellow colleagues had studied 70 international trans individuals and 22 health care providers who focus on trans people.
Their paper says: 'We argue that in the context of lacking and uncertain medical evidence (HRT with testosterone during pregnancy and chest feeding) in a highly gendered treatment context (pregnancy and lactation care), both patients and providers tend to pursue precautionary, offspring-focused treatment approaches.'
In response, Lahl and Fell say the findings are flawed as only biologically fertile human females possess the attributes for pregnancy and childbirth.
The two label this 'a simple biological reality', saying that pregnancy care isn't 'gendered' at all.
According to the Mayo Clinic, testosterone may cause birth defects if a pregnant woman comes into contact with it.
Lahl and Fell also added: 'The concerns raised by Pfeffer and colleagues focus on the modern treatment approach physicians take, which they deem excessively 'precautionary' and 'offspring-focused.'
Kal Fell, front, and Jennifer Lahl, background, published a response to the paper titled: 'Is There a Doctor in the House?'
'Fortunately, caring for the child and the mother are neither mutually exclusive nor zero-sum.
'In situations where a woman aspires to become pregnant and commits to motherhood, physicians can provide care that optimizes outcomes for both parties while minimizing potential harm.
'If a woman chooses to continue a pregnancy, doesn't the developing fetus also have a right to the four principles of medical ethics?'
'In such cases, the physician is duty-bound to care for both the child and the mother.'
One health care provider also told researchers: 'I think if you choose to have a pregnancy and your female hormone levels would be already so high that testosterone probably wouldn't even mentally help.
'If you're producing breast milk and you couldn't be without testosterone for mental health, if you couldn't deal without testosterone, then you probably shouldn't be pregnant.'
In concluding their piece, Lahl and Fell said: 'The authors' suggestion that medical providers should deviate from the principle of 'do no harm' to follow paths where the evidence indicates harm is quite shocking.
'This perspective, driven more by ideology, emotions, and personal desires than by evidence, conflicts with the foundations of evidence-based medicine.'
#Dr Carla Pfeffer is a sociology professor#Why is she writing papers on maternal and fetal health?#Jennifer Lahl is speaking the truth#Kallie Fell is speaking the truth#Medical uncertainty and reproduction of the 'normal': Decision-making around testosterone therapy in transgender pregnancy#michigan state university#Pregnancy care is too focused on helping women have healthy babies#statement showing transcult brain rot#The transcult and medical ethics#disregard the safety of a developing fetus in the name of trans inclusion'#Is there a Doctor in the house?#Pregnancy care isn't gendered it's sex based#evidence based medicine
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a delicate and kaleidoscopic matter
Steven is reading aloud to himself in their headspace, neatly tucked into the middle cushion and wrapped in a cozy cardigan. He’s lit a few of those lavender-scented candles he loves, just to set the ambience and make the place smell delightful—it’s called self-care, Marc, maybe you should look into it, mate—and with Marc asleep it’s quiet and calm and pretty much perfect reading conditions. He’s about halfway through the book when he hears footsteps, and only half-paying attention assumes it must be Marc.
Until there’s a body sprawling all over the couch, himself included, with a pair of dark-denim clad legs nearly knocking the book from his lap. Steven fumbles for it, wincing when he crinkles a few pages in the process.
When he’s sure the book is secure, Steven turns to glare at the man responsible for disturbing his peace. He’s promptly ignored, naturally, as Jake folds his arms behind his head with a lazy stretch and lets his eyes drift shut.
“Do you mind?” Steven asks mildly, a sour twist to his lips. It’s not like he’s a person, and not a bloody footrest or anything.
“Not at all, solecito, thanks for asking,” Jake drawls and digs his heels into Steven’s thighs just to be obnoxious. He grins when Steven huffs to himself and reluctantly settles the book on his legs.
About a minute or two into the silence, Jake peeks an eye open to scrutinize him from under his flat cap.
“What?” Steven asks, defensive, and unconsciously hunches his shoulders. That gaze is nothing less than intense, and while he’d love nothing more than to get away from it, he’s too comfortable where he is. (He’s definitely not too scared to physically move Jake himself, nope, not at all. Steven was here first, that’s all, and it’s the principle of the thing, you know?)
“I didn’t say to stop.” The eye closes expectantly.
“T-to stop?” Steven stutters and crinkles his brow in confusion. “Stop what?”
“Reading.” Comes the terse reply, a tad annoyed now, as though Steven had been the one to intrude on Jake’s personal space without a thought of consideration, how terribly rude of him, Steven thinks dryly to himself.
“I am reading,” he says slowly, though not without a bit of uncertainty. It was a bad habit Marc was trying to break him of, of automatically assuming he himself was in the wrong instead of standing up for himself when challenged. But hey, he’s working on it, okay? Baby steps and all that.
A rough sigh tears itself from Jake’s lips, and now he’s looking at Steven with both eyes, gods help him, half-lidded and somewhat irritated. Despite the fact that they have the same eyes, there’s always a predatory gleam to Jake’s that’s akin to making eye-contact with a tiger. He even blinks like a cat, slow and listless.
“Out loud,” he demands curtly.
Steven nearly splutters at the entitlement, mouth open and closing with no sound coming out. His jaw shuts with an audible click when Jake raises an amused brow at him, and ducks his head down when he can’t stand that sharp gaze any longer.
“Uh, right, then.” Steven mumbles, licks his lips, and clears his throat once, twice, before his finds his place and starts back up again, a little less steady then before, but loud enough to be heard nonetheless.
“I-In Egyptian mythology, the symbolism of the number three can also, uh, assume the role of a sign of t-tension, opposition, challenge, or, er, permanent crisis.” When he glances back over at Jake, his eyes are closed again. Steven swallows, adjusts where his glasses sit on his nose, and carries on.
“While the categories of the tritheistic structure represent the divine unity through dif—uh, er, sorry,” Steven stammers, and hastily corrects, “diversity (plural differentiation of unity), the three divinities of the modalistic conception are three ways of being and manifest the same divine power and thereby reduce the plurality of unit (restriction of plurality).”
When Steven tries to trail off at a point or two, he gets an annoyed grunt and a rough nudge for his trouble, and has no other choice but to start back up again.
As he chatters on, the legs slung over his lap grow heavier, and the sharp clench Jake usually carries in his jaw starts to smooth out as the tension bleeds out from his body. Steven knows better than to think he’s truly out of it, as Jake never lets himself relax enough to fully fall into deep sleep, rather, he slips into a light doze as so to be ready for a fight at a moment’s notice (It’s something that took too long to break Marc out of, he can’t imagine how ingrained it must be in their third head mate).
“Sometimes, as a mythological concept, the triad is a “symbol”, namely the manifestation of a human attempt to make an element of the divine world conceivable in human terms, that is, in terms of logic and sensuous perception,” Steven continues, growing more confident with each word as his focus narrows to the words on the page, “although these do not necessarily conform with the laws of nature.”
Steven chances another look, and can’t help but pause. There’s a faint but genuine curl to Jake’s lips, like he’s pleased, and without the suave grin or arrogant smirk he almost looks…happy. Peaceful, even. And course, as always, devastatingly handsome, seeing as how they share the same face and no, Marc, that joke will never get old, thank you very much.
He doesn’t realize how long he’s paused until Jake lets out a vaguely questioning hum, the beginnings of a furrow twitching at his brow as he starts to rouse. Steven rushes to continue before he wakes fully and has to face his ire,
“E-even for the modern scholar, who is more comfortable speaking of ‘God’ than the ‘gods’, ‘apparent contradictions and inconsistencies’ arise in the internal workings of the Egyptian triads,” he flips the page and pushes up his reading spectacles from where they’d started to slip down, “and one must understand that the ‘diversity of approaches and explanations’ including symbolic, are a fundamental psychological principle of the Egyptian religious thought.”
Without thinking, his other hand settles comfortably on Jake’s ankle, on the space where the cuff of his pants sits just above his fine leather shoes, and he absent-mindedly rubs there with his thumb—something he’s sure Jake would tease him relentlessly for if he were fully coherent.
“Defining the nature of the Egyptian gods, and penetrating the core of beliefs and rituals of the ancient Egyptians is, therefore, a delicate and kaleidoscopic matter,” he’s on the last page now, nearly there, “But, from the standpoint of religious thought, that is precisely the essential point which justifies the formulation—and study— of the Egyptian divine triads.” Steven finishes, closing the book, and then blinks as he remembers himself.
“Happy, now?” He mutters under his breath, rhetorically, seeing as how Jake looks comfortable enough to be lightly snoozing for quite some time—wait. Steven glances back down at the legs pinning him down, then to Jake’s lax face, then back down again with a sinking realization.
“Oh, bollocks.”
—————————
{ The book Steven is reading is Divine Triad of Ancient Egypt by José das Candeias Sales! }
#moon knight#steven grant#jake lockley#jakesteven#moon knight fanfiction#moon knight fic#hawkeyelover
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