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haveyouseenthisskeleton · 2 months

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One day S/O comes up to the skelly and tells em that he’s gonna be a father. And before anything more can be said, S/O pulls out a puppy from behind their back. Dog parents

Undertale Sans - You can see the brief panic in his eyes before his sockets land on the puppy. He's so relieved and so happy. Sans loves dogs, and that's a long time he's planning to get one. The puppy is getting squished between you two as he grabs you to kiss you. Also, he kidnaps the puppy and goes to cuddle in the couch. You're not getting the puppy back tonight lol. Or him by the way.

Undertale Papyrus - He blinks, quite in shock. He didn't expect this, but oh well! Papyrus is unsure about the dog at first, claiming it's a lot of work, but man, the second he realizes he has a buddy to run in the morning without needing to wait for Undyne to wake up, he's the happiest man on Earth.

Underswap Sans - His mind exploded the second you said he was going to be a father. When you pull out the dog, he's so confused. What? Sorry, he didn't hear any of the things you just said, he's literally traumatized. He grabs the dog and squishes him against him to calm down. Jeez, don't scare him like that! ... Wait a second, you have a dog?!

Underswap Papyrus - What a rollercoaster. He thought he was finally going to be a dad, then screamed when he saw the puppy, then got sad because you're actually not pregnant, then screamed again when he realized he's holding a big fur baby and he's so happy! He's not sure what he's feeling anymore, but he's very happy to have a dog.

Underfell Sans - "got a mutt? why?" He's that guy who doesn't want the dog at first, but then the puppy becomes obsessed with him, and in less than two days he's a dog guy. Red is too soft to resist the puppy. The guy even bought pink little dresses for his new baby girl. What you're going to do?

Underfell Papyrus - Betrayal. You dare to take that thing home when he has a cat already? What are you trying to do? Get rid of Doomfanger? Because he won't! He takes his baby girl and growls at you and your mutt. In the morning, you find him sleeping in the couch with the puppy and the cat because the dog cried during the night and Edge couldn't bear letting him all alone in the dark. Yeah. The dog is adopted.

Horrortale Sans - Oak boops the puppy nose. "smol." He's madly in love with the puppy, and protective. That's his puppy. He needs to protect. No one gets close to his baby (except S/O). He loves dogs, he loves all animals really. He's happy.

Horrortale Papyrus - "OH COME ONE, WE ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF ANIMALS IN THE FARM. THIS IS TOO MUCH." "Oh... Ok, I can bring it back if it..." "ABSOLUTELY NOT, IT'S OUR DOG." You don't send the new baby back to prison. But please... Warn him next time, so you can discuss it before? It's a big responsibility.

Swapfell Sans - Uh. When he said he wanted an heir, he didn't think about that. But oh well, it will have to do. He's calling his dog Hellbringer and he will raise him like a Lord of Darkness even though the dog can barely understand the sit command. At least it's entertaining.

Swapfell Papyrus - He squeaks like a toy. That's his newest superpower. It drives the dog crazy. You're going to hear this squeak a hell lot in the next few years. He never gets bored of it, unlike you. But it's not like you can do anything to stop him either. Deal with it. He's an annoying squeak toy now.

Fellswap Gold Sans - He hyperventilated when you said he's a father, and even more when you showed him the dog. He's not an animal person. He's actually not a baby person either. He's both relieved you're not pregnant and horrified you brought a filthy mutt inside his spotless house. He doesn't have a choice to get used to it. He likes the dog from far away. At least Coffee is happy.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - He's overexcited. He wants a dog for a long time but Wine always said no. It's his childhood dream becoming true right now. He jumps at your neck and kisses you everywhere, crushing you in a hug. He's so happy, you can't even know how much he wanted that.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #swapfell #fellswap gold #sans #papyrus #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

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ask-gorgonzolatheclown · 1 year

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Well. That was. Informative! Thank you for the reminder, Bruno!

Why did you feel the need to say that, again...?

" ETREH NCA ONYL EB NOE. "

" MI ICSK FO GHIAVN SIHT FINRORIE ELOEPPARGNDG RNIUGNN URDANO ENIMRDGNI EM FO TWHA MI ONT! "

" buddy. "

" What'd we say about using our words? It's awfully mean to growl at people. "

"..."

" If you're upset, take a minute to cool down. You don't need to respond to someone that says something ugly to you. If it makes you sad you can always talk to me about it, remember? I don't mind if you need to let it out but... You might make Peppino uncomfortable growling like that considering... everything. "

" It's okay to feel mad, but you can't growl at people. It might make things escalate, and I don't want to see you get hurt. "

" You're a hot mess, you. But say, since I'm feeling better, maybe you could help finish prep in the kitchen. I'll be right behind you, I just gotta get the crust out of my eyes and freshen up a little from bawling. Ok? "

" OK. "

( I don't think telling him everything is a good idea. I've only known him for nearly two months. I think I can level with him on one thing, though... )

Long text under cut

Gus: You know when you told me the other day about him growling at Brick I thought you were just overreacting.

Peppino: Well now you see what I'm talking about. Maybe you should leave them at home from now on.

Gus: Did you understand what he said? 'Memento Mori'? Is that Italian?

Peppino: No, it's not. Zola, do you know what that means?

Gorgonzola: No sir, I'm sorry.

Peppino: That glob of undercooked dough gonna get a foot up its ass if it doesn't cut it out. I can't take much more of this.

Gorgonzola: Mr. Peppino can I speak to you for a minute, alone?

Peppino: I suppose. Gus, you should help with prep. If you start feeling uncomfortable come back.

Peppino: ...

Gorgonzola: ...

Peppino: Alright, what is it?

Gorgonzola: First and foremost sir, I'm sorry. I-

Peppino: Don't start. I don't want to hear you apologize. You can't control what that thing does.

Gorgonzola: ...Alright, well. I just wanted to talk to you a minute about that. I don't very much appreciate you calling him names, it makes him angry-

Peppino: Nonono, no. Don't. I will throw you out of this Pizzeria by the collar of your polo! I have been SO nice to it today! I let it lick the dishes, eat the old food out of the fridge, and it growled at me this morning because I turned the light on in the kitchen!

Gorgonzola: Sir he's not going to be nice to you after one day of being kind to him... somewhat. You beat him up and threw him off a building.

Peppino: CAN YOU BLAME ME!?

Gorgonzola: Of course I can't! I don't blame you at all, you were completely in the right to do so. I'm not saying that you were wrong to do any of what you did, but I'm saying that on both sides it was exceptionally traumatizing.

Peppino: Traumatizing for him? Right. His existence is traumatizing to me.

Gorgonzola: Sir he scares me too, you know that right...?

Peppino: What?

Gorgonzola: He scares me a lot.

Peppino: Well... then... why would you vouch for it the way you did when you convinced me to let it in...?

Gorgonzola: Because deep down I know he's just like me. Heck Mr. Peppino, the Tower runs so much deeper than a place we used to live in. That's where life started. There was no outside. Everything that was in there was all we knew, for me all I knew was circuses and shows, for him it was labs and darkness, the only food is rats and other, smaller, messed up versions of yourself. Everyday he has to live with the fact he's supposed to be someone he very much is not.

Peppino: ...

Gorgonzola: I'm not saying you have to put up with him, I'm asking you to have some patience and compassion.

Peppino: Which I've given a lot of-

Gorgonzola: I know, trust me I know. He's a lot for me too. I'm just asking you to have a little more. I can't tell you what to do or convince you that deep down he's a gentle giant, but if you give it time, I think you'll see him for what he is.

Peppino:

Gorgonzola:

Peppino: Damn it. I knew I made a good decision hiring you for the front. [chuckles] You sure you're a clown and not a conman?

Gorgonzola: Being a clown requires a lot of social prowess, sir! Sorry.

Peppino: Ah. Forget about it. Just ... I suppose I'll be more patient with him or at least do my best. Just don't expect an immediate change.

Gorgonzola: I don't, sir. Thank you for hearing me out.

Peppino: Ti ringrazio, Gorgonzola, for talking to me.

#Cheesed to meet you~!#OOF WRITING #But hey gorgonzola and peppino interaction #Pizza tower #fake peppino #pizza tower fake peppino #pizza tower peppino #peppino spaghetti #peppino #pizza tower gustavo #gustavo and brick #pizza tower oc #long post

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tacobellabeanburrito · 13 days

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Hey, I wanted to know if you had any angst phoenix wright centered fics that you could recommend me

ANON YOU HAVE COME TO THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT PLACE BBG.

(I HEAVILY imprint on Phoenix Wright, so I have a lot of angst fics in my arsenal that center around him)

(Also, I highly recommend looking at my bookmarks, cause there’s ALOT more that I most likely don’t mention here. So uh, yeah)

(ALSO ALSO, idk if you have already but look at my other rec fic lists because a lot of the Phoenix Wright angst fics that I love are on there as well and I don’t wanna double up)

ANYWAY! Here we go! (Some of them don’t have blurbs, others will)

“I Might’ve Been A Good Man, Who Loved Someone With All He Had” by SapphireWire: I don’t mind this one too much. It just doesn’t have the headcannons that I personally like. A lot of the times I bookmark fics just so I can go back to them if my mind is ever like “Oh shit, do you remember this fucking baller moment from this fanfic?” And I’m like “Oh shit yeah”. Worth a read, though. There’s also a sequel.

“Turnabout Forgotten” by Nali_li: Alright Anon, so a lot of these fics I don’t really remember much about (cause I have a shit memory) and am just kinda looking through my bookmarks and seeing which ones have definite Phoenix angst in them. This one is about Phoenix who gets amnesia and doesn’t remember anything past the Will Powers case.

“Pressure (Pushing Down On Me)” by ApprenticeofDoyle: A long ass Ace Attorney that is actually really good. It’s not so much my cup of tea because it does ALOT with the Ace Attorney canon and shakes it until some of the plots points are different but it is good.

“These Ties That Bind” by The HomestuckWhovian: OMG I LOVE THIS ONE. An all time favorite. Holds all of my headcannons for Phoenix, I don’t wanna spoil it, you just gotta read it, buddy. It’s very good. It’s a soulmate type fix but also centered around Phoenix’s other relationships (Not just him and Miles). Fully recommend.

“Chains Of The Heart” by NarshTaters: Don’t really remember much about it since I read it a while back, but it goes into detail about Phoenix and his whole complexes while Miles uses the magatama on him. A great fic nonetheless.

“They’ll Never Love You Like I Can” by Josdalynn: Ahhh! I was looking for this one. Glad I found it. It’s about a younger Phoenix (Feenie) going forward in time and showing up at Chief Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth’s office. I like this one a lot.

“Behind Closed Doors” by Stressedtoimpress: I really like this one a lot but I can never go back to it because it has an unhappy ending. But definitely has a lot of Phoenix angst. A lot of Miles angst too. Contains Krisnix.

“To Whom Do I Owe The Pleasure?” by Loreley: OH BABY THERE IS SOMETHING SOOOO GOOD WHEN PEOPLE PUT IN A FANFIC “Phoenix Wright Chooses Death” during his disbarment era as an echo to Miles’ letter. Girlypop this one is good.

“The Best Revenge” by pantswarrior: Ok this one is, mature and for good reason. I’ll let you figure out what happens cause I don’t wanna spoil cause it’s really good but also very dark but also good.

“Hold Me In Your Arms” by AnonymousChicken: A very cute fic. Not too angsty but pretty angsty on the first chapter. It’s narumitsu centered, and features a traumatized Maya.

“Imminent Danger” by ValueTurtle: Ok, so, I don’t really like this one too much. It’s good, but not my thing. But definitely very angsty in the Phoenix department. I won’t spoil it but check it out if you wanna.

“I’m Getting So Tired Of Coughing Out My Lungs” by heiisklchen: Oh, oh this one is good. This one is about Phoenix dealing with an eating disorder.

“Like Glass” by Machina (XMachina): A good Phoenix fic. Short, but good. It’s about Phoenix and his relationships with Miles, Dahlia/Iris and Kristoph. Mostly Miles, though.

“And I’m Mr. Loverman” by LicoriceLovingLoser: We love Ricky Montgomery songs and Phoenix Wright disbarment fics.

“The Eye Of The Beholder” by 3musketears: A nice hurt/comfort fic regarding Phoenix and his body post disbarment.

“Sharp” by silvered: AHHH loved this one. I just reread it when looking for fics for you Anon and I really liked it. Has some Krisnix in it.

“Despite Everything, It’s Still You” by orphan_account (lmao, just search up the name and if you can’t find it tell me)

“So Shut Your Eyes” by pessu (kittiv): Not a Phoenix centric one but I found it while I was looking and I really, really like it.

“I Make Sense Of The Madness (When I Listen To Your Voice) by pychelocs: I like this one a lot.

“Hurt Me, Why Won’t You?” By daiicraa: A really angsty but sweet one.

“Appreciate All Parts Of Me” by Booloodle: SLAY FIC.

“When The Chips Are Down” by rib14

“Avoidance” by JJamescat

“Perpetual Motion” by PhantomWriter

“Goodbye, My Dearests” by tunaricebowl

“Gold, Marble and Burgers” by tunaricebowl

“Hold Onto Me (Cause I’m A Little Unsteady) by samiolioli (Samioli)

“Better Light A Candle Than Curse The Darkness” by daydreamn019

Ok anon, that’s about it for Phoenix Wright angst fics. BUTTTT ALSO. Here’s one just for funnzies that I just remembered. It isn’t angst but I come back to it a lot.

“Honey, Honey” by chcolayecoveredkashews: HILARIOUS. We love accidental Sugar Daddy Miles.

UGH AND OKAY. ANOTHER CALL TO ACTION. Doing this just reminded me of the fic but there’s a fic mentioned during the other fic rec list I posted AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT BECAUSE IT’S DRIVING ME BONKERS.

Ok so, plot is that through mystical Magatama fuckery, Miles and Phoenix get trapped in a mindpalace like world where they are married. Their family is trying to get them out of their own heads and ITS ANGSTY AND SOOO GOOD. Has “Perfect” by SideBlog vibes. So if anyone knows this fic. PLEASE SEND IT MY WAY.

Anyway, getting that out of the way, thank you Anon for your question about fics, and good luck reading! (Also, still check out my other fic rec list cause those have ALOT of Phoenix angst and also check out my bookmark list PLEASE I haven’t done justice to all the fics I have in there that I like and that I have forgotten about)

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turvi · 1 year

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Remus Lupin- Mandy the Calf

Warning: mentions of sex.

Y/n had just come back from grocery shopping as she knew Remus will home in a few hours and would immediately feel hungry. Even though Remus is a calm and collected person he could be a bit finicky because of his empty stomach.

As Y/n approached her front door she noticed a calf sitting on the porch blocking the front door and chewing grass. She sighed. When she had thought of living a cottage life with Remus this was not what she had imagined. While Remus would be away teaching at Hogwarts she would be pestered time and again by the calves that walk into their lawn.

She cautiously approached the calf and talked to it like it could understand her "hey buddy can you move a bit? A very hungry werewolf of my husband is coming home and I need to feed him"

The calf kept chewing its grass. Y/n tried to unlock the door while the calf sat there and chewed. It finally moved when Y/n opened her door. "Thanks, buddy" Y/n said to the calf but as she got into her house she put her groceries on the table to see the calf had entered her home.

"Ohh no" Y/n tried to move the calf out but it sat in the living room and slept. Y/n sighed and she realized that she was already late and decided to go to the kitchen and make dinner and deal with the calf later.

Remus took off from work early today. He quickly said his goodbyes to his colleagues and left. He was aching down there and he immediately backed up his car from the parking lot and left. He sped up a little but not too much that might harm him. He gripped the steering wheel tightly as he reached the familiar street. There were not many houses where they lived. It was a close-knit community and everybody knew everybody but still, they minded their own business.

As Remus parked in the garage, he took a deep breath. He had to do two things once he entered the home. Ask his wife for consent and then fuck her so good that she forgets her own name.

He entered his home and heard a moo. It startled Remus and he looked that a calf was sitting in his living room. He called out to Y/n "Honey?"He stared at the calf who had a milk bowl in front of him. Remus rolled his eyes. He knew his wife loved animals and now she would be paying attention to the calf rather than her needy husband. He groaned as Y/n entered the living room.

"Oh, Rem isn't it cute? I named it Mandy"

On any other day, he would have loved this but right now his boner was growing as he saw his wife's apron clinging to her figure. Y/n noticed Remus' face looking flushed "Are you ok Rem?"

He got closer to her not minding the calf one bit and held her tightly against him "can I please have you? Just give me a few hours then you can spend as much time as you want with Mandy." Remus gave his best puppy face and hoped his wife said yes. Obviously, he needed her but he was not going to force her if she didn't want to be with him right now.

She teased him "how long are we talking?"

He smirked "I look forward to keeping you with me all night maybe even till morning"

"Remmy what about dinner? What about Mandy?"

"Well, I am not that hungry. If you are you can go ahead and eat and I don't think Mandy will be disturbing us at any time soon. What will it be hun?" he whispered in her ear.

Y/n quickly went to the kitchen to cover the food and took Remus' hand and led him to their room. "Try not to make too much sound. I don't want to traumatize Mandy"

Remus kissed Y/n and picked her up before she could make any more noise.

The next morning Remus woke up to something licking his face. He woke up to see Mandy licking his face.

"Y/N!!! GET THIS CALF OUT OF OUR ROOM"

Y/n was giggling as she entered the room. Her husband hugged her and pouted "where were you? You were supposed to greet me good morning, not Mandy."

She laughed "oh you man child I was making breakfast. I didn't realize when Mandy entered our room."

Remus didn't respond to her as he was busy leaving wet kisses on her neck when all of a sudden Mandy bumped his back. He groaned again. "If Mandy stays here I don't think we will be able to make babies"

A/N: Don't ask me what this is. I swear this is not a fever dream. REBLOGS AND FEEDBACK APPRECIATED

#remus lupin x reader #remus lupin imagine #remus fluff #remus smut #remus x reader #remus lupin fanfiction #remus lupin #remus john lupin #david thewlis x reader #david thewlis #professor lupin #remus fic #remus #remus being remus #remus x you #remus lupin x you #remus lupin x y/n #remus lupin x fem!reader

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crescentpaws · 11 days

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fintante headcanons?

buddy you are going to have to be WAY more specific with this one. i have too many thoughts about them floating around in my head i need a less-broad question to channel my answers through

like. it depends on if we’re talking about in canon or one of my many aus (the main ones just being different variations of ‘everything in the universe is the same but what if THIS happened’)

^^ the main aus centered around them that give birth to the many scenarios that rotate around in my head 24/7 are: ‘prison breakout is real. and everyone is traumatized all the time always,’ ‘fintan decides to not be a bitch and the pyrokinesis ban never happens,’ ‘pyrokinesis ban does happen but fintan actually has love and support this time,’ and ‘neither of them join the council in the first place because fuck that.’ (happy to elaborate if anyone cares….)

in canon i think. they would have a very complicated relationship. (obviously 💀). i’m constantly switching between believing ‘they used to date,’ ‘they used to flirt & tease each other all the time but never actually dated (like kenric & oralie but less cringe),’ ‘any romantic feelings were just a one-sided thing (who it is and if it’s past or present day changes depending on my mood),’ and ‘they both had feelings for each other at some point but neither of them knew about the other’s and now their relationship is too fucked up to be salvaged anyway.’ obviously they hate each other now though. obviously. i think they probably both feel betrayed by the other (fintan’s feelings of betrayal starting with the pyrokinesis ban)

and i know……. of course they would be a horrible couple 💀. the most problematic relationship the lost cities has ever seen. but i don’t care <3 they are both fucked up and understand each other better than anyone else so. idgaf. they are kissing in my head.

bronte staying on the council for millennia because the one elf he’s ever had feelings for is a bad match and he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone. fintan doing all his dramatic-ass reveals in front of the council because he secretly still wants his attention. fintan helping bronte manage his inflicting when they were both on the council but then getting shunned and cast out after the pyrokinesis ban and not getting the same help in return (they help each other manage their powerful abilities in my aus ok….. they are still fucked up but very protective of each other in my head </3). bronte not letting himself grieve for fintan after the healing in oblivimyre because he feels that it would be dishonoring kenric. finding out fintan is still alive but being more angry (both at fintan and himself) than relieved. both of them being pissed off at the fact that they’re still attracted to each other after all this time. idk. i am not normal about them i lied.

#‘i can’t answer this’ proceeds to answer it #this was not supposed to be this long!!!#kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #asks #kotlc headcanons #fintante #??? we need a better ship name for them tbh

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spnexploration · 1 year

Text

Collared part 25

Pairing: Dean x Reader eventually

Series summary: Sam and Dean save a woman from where she has been held as a slave by a witch. But things turn dark whenever they try to take her magic collar off, leaving them with a slave to look after and a curse to break.

Episode summary: Bad news from Garth.

Warnings: drug use

Word count: 1.6k

Series masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 24 <- -> Part 26

Dean came in from the garage with his arms full of groceries. Sam jumped up and followed him back to the car to grab some more. Once they were at the car’s boot, Sam muttered to him, “Bad news from Garth.”

“Shit, what?” Dean whispered back.

“Azaneth has resurfaced.”

“Fuck.”

“We’re going to have to tell her, she'll never trust us again if we don't.”

Dean groaned, “This is going to kill her.”

“I know.”

“Where is he? What's our plan for ganking the bastard?”

“Still waiting on more intel from Garth and his network. He fled the city where the last hunter saw him.”

“Ok. Let's get the food away and then tell her.”

---

“Hey, Y/N, we uh, we need to chat,” Sam said after knocking on your door and gently opening it. “Can you come to the library?”

You looked worried. “It’s nothing about you or anything you've done wrong. We just have some news to share.”

“Bad news?” you said tentatively.

He reached out to touch your shoulder, “It'll be ok.”

He walked you to the library with his arm gently around your shoulders. He watched your reactions closely, trying to see if this was providing you comfort like he intended or worrying you.

Dean was sitting in his normal seat at the library tables when the two of you walked in. He looked over at the two of you and must have seen something in your face because he looked around him and saw the cushion next to his chair. “Shit, sorry Y/N, I didn't even notice it,” he said.

“It’s ok,” you said quietly. Sam gave your shoulder a rub.

“Do you want to sit? Stand? We can sit on the floor if you'd like?” Sam asked, slightly awkwardly.

“You sit down, I'm ok,” you mumbled. He thought you might have been embarrassed so he crossed quickly to his seat, not wanting to seem like he was interrogating you about your difficulties with furniture.

Dean looked expectantly at him. This would probably go over with you better if he said it. “After we fought the witch, we asked some of our hunting buddies to keep an eye out for Azaneth,” Sam started. You stiffened at the sound of his name. “Well, one of them found him last night. Garth rang me to tell me a little while ago.”

“Where is he? What happened to your friend?” Your voice shook and he could see you tremble.

“Belinda is ok, but Azaneth got away. But now we have someone who knows what he looks like now, she's going to try and sketch it for everyone.”

“What?”

“He changed vessels. He's, um, in another person.”

“He’s inside a person?!” He could see your ‘mind blown’ moment playing across your face, and then another emotion replaced it. Horror? Shame?

“Uh, yeah, demons possess people. They don't have their own body.”

“Why did he change? To sneak up on us?”

“Uh, no,” Dean answered. “He smoked out of his last vessel in the fight when we nearly had him. So he would've had to find a new one.”

“You nearly had him?” Your voice sounded slightly hopeful.

“Yeah, it was after he'd gone with you. We killed his henchmen and then went and found him, but then he smoked out and we couldn't find you. Guess you were with the witch.”

“I was in a cupboard,” you said quietly.

Dean clenched his fists. “They put you in a cupboard?!”

“Well, first Azaneth cut me up but then my mi- the witch came and told him to go kill you instead so they attached my leash inside a cupboard and locked it.”

“Fuuuck me,” Dean breathed quietly, and Sam found himself swearing too.

“I'm sorry, Y/N,” Sam said to you.

“Hey, it’s fine, was probably the least traumatic time I ever saw him,” you joked weakly. Neither brother laughed.

There was an awkward pause.

“Ok, well, we wanted to tell you he's back,” Sam said. “But he doesn't know where you are. This bunker is warded, he can't just appear here even if he knew where it was. And all of the hunters we or Garth know will be looking for him.”

You nodded, although Sam could tell you were scared. He didn't blame you. They'd failed to protect you last time.

“Is that it?” you asked, fidgeting with your hands.

“Yes. I'm sorry, Y/N.”

You turned and left, walking quickly. Sam watched you go, his heart wrenching at how you must be feeling.

---

“That went better than expected,” Dean muttered to Sam after you'd gone.

---

Dean was walking through the bunker when he thought he heard a noise. He went to investigate. He relaxed when he heard you humming, although it was a little strange that you were down this end of the bunker. You also didn’t normally hum. But at least it didn’t sound like an intruder.

He walked into the war room and stopped dead in his tracks.

You were sitting on the table playing with a revolver.

You had the bullets in your hand and were dropping them back into the cylinder one at a time. You missed and dropped one to the floor, giggling about it. You spun the cylinder and pushed it back in, then flicked it out again and spun it some more.

Dean was very confused and very, very worried.

You noticed him. “Dean!” you said, strangely excited to see him. But then you flicked the cylinder back in and pointed the gun at him. “Look what I found!”

Your pupils were tiny pinprick holes and you didn’t really seem to be focusing on him. Fuck.

He discreetly moved his hand into his pocket and hit the couple of strokes on his phone required to automatically dial Sam. After waiting a few seconds until he thought his brother would have picked up, he said, “Ok, Y/N, how about you put the gun down? I know it’s called the war room but that’s not really what it’s for.”

“But I like it,” you said, frowning in an almost comical way. “You’re always telling me what to do, STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!”

It was almost amazing, Dean thought, his talent for getting you angry. One second happy, then BAM – angry. You weren’t normally brandishing a loaded gun near him though. You weren’t exactly pointing it at him all of the time, but you were waving it around while you spoke to him, and it was probably pointing in his direction at least half the time.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, trying to placate you. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Well, good. I’m sick of doing what everyone else wants. You’re mean and I’m not going to show you what I found.”

“That’s ok, I understand.” He saw Sam duck his head around the door behind you. He needed to talk to distract you. “I’m sorry you feel like everyone is always telling you what to do, that must be-” he cut himself off, jumping to grab your torso and other arm after Sam had grabbed the arm holding the gun. Sam wrenched it to point at the floor, away from Dean, and was wrestling to get the gun out of your grasp. The gun went off, embedding the bullet in a wooden chest of drawers.

You howled and yelled at them, “Stop! It’s mine! I want it!”

Sam got the gun free and put it in the waistband of his pants. Dean wrapped his arms around your torso and held both of your hands as you struggled. “I think she’s taken something,” Dean told Sam. “Go look for what in her room or the infirmary.” Sam nodded and jogged out the door.

“Ok,” he said, turning his attention back to you and releasing his grip on your arms, “What did you take?”

You shrugged out of his grip and stepped away from him, then crossed your arms over your chest and glared at him. “And WHY would I tell you?”

“So I can save your life.”

You glared but it lacked your usual vigour. “Why bother?”

He sighed, “You going to come willingly or am I going to have to carry you?”

“I’m not going anywhere with you!”

“Wrong answer,” he said gruffly, hoisting you up over his shoulder and binding your legs together with one strong arm. You hit and tried to kick at him, but he ignored it.

“Put me down!!”

“No can do, sweetheart.” He marched down the corridor to the bathroom, finally putting you down in one of the toilet cubicles. “Alright, you get to choose: your fingers, my fingers or salt water?”

“WHAT? You are not cutting off my fingers!”

“No, you’re going to make yourself vomit, or I’m going to do it for you.”

You giggled, “Vomit is a funny word.”

Sam came jogging in at that moment, shaking a small pill bottle. “I think it’s these, opioid pain meds, but there aren’t heaps missing. I googled and it said don’t try and make them vomit, and if she’s still conscious and didn’t take that many it looks like maybe she’s just high, not overdosing.”

You looked annoyed at Sam. “That's mine! And I am not high!”

“Yeah, right, Bambi,” Dean replied sarcastically. “You just nearly shot me and your pupils are practically AWOL.”

“A-what? Oh, are you being an owl? A wolf?”

“My point exactly.” He turned back to Sam, “You take first shift babysitting, I’m gonna babyproof the bunker.”

“You guys got a baby?!” You said, jumping excitedly and clapping your hands.

“It was easier when you could just order her not to touch stuff,” Dean muttered as he shuffled out of the cubicle, past his brother.

He heard Sam behind him turning to you, “Ok, Y/N, what do you want to do? Watch a movie with me?”

Tag list (scratched out tags aren't working)

@malindacath @stoneyggirl2 @iprobablyshipit91 @minty-fresh-donkey @tiggytaylor @ellie-andthemachine @muhahaha303 @nameslessismypricetowhateverend @deans-spinster-witch @mrswhozeewhatsis @kazsrm67 @foxyjwls007 @sassy-pelican @saiyanprincessswanie @i-am-trash-with-respect @sojuxxi @ilovedean-spn2 @lacilou @agirlwithdemonblood @lilacwineandthesinkingsunmain @rachiem4-blog @miss-madness67 @icequeen1371

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chocolatemilksmoothie · 2 years

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Labyrinth Runners

Omg I loved this one!! buckle up, there's a lot of little details and a lot to point out

I suspected we might not get an update on Luz and the rest of the owl house members and the suspense there is killing me ngl...

I can already see it, both groups meet and both are like "we have SO much to tell you you're not gonna believe this-"

anyways, baby Willow and baby Gus my beloveds

I love their relationship. they were there for each other before anyone else was, and you can see how deeply they care for one another

Gus is a scary good illusionist, it must be frightening to have that happen

ahh good ol' breathing exercises, always worth a shot

I ADORE that Bump allows more kids to try multi track magic, and Matt got into illusion magic! aww

Among Luz's messages was "don't scare him(them?) away" I think she was referring to Hunter. it's sweet she took the time to write that, but god I hope she's safe

the hearts they are adorable <3

I enjoyed Willow and Amity's plot as well! Amity trying to protect her because he values having her back vs Willow wanting her to see that she is strong and can fight alongside her!

he's been reading about Grimwalkers... oh buddy what have you learned?

it's both sweet and heartbreaking that 1) he thought of hexside as a safe place to hide and 2) he's wearing the Flyer Derby outfit. he really had a good time being a normal kid for a day :')

Adrian. I like his style but I did NOT buy his act. How horrifying that he was tricking students into getting sigils by pretending he was helping them not get sigils. messed up

they really made him a pretentious director. I love it. both he and Terra are scary and full of personality, very fun antagonists to see

Love his design also. Everything about it

Severine... is voiced by Dana right? she was hilarious, go back to the tiny cat coven girl they don't deserve u here

Loved the concept of a trippy labyrinth of familiar places too

throw yourself down the steps to see if they're real, flawless technique

once again Hunter parallels another character. Gus is trusting by nature, which has led to him getting hurt, while Hunter grew up in a competitive, hostile environment where the only person he trusted blindly ended up being a monster. He is being extra cautious. But Gus won't hurt him

God, Belos sent a search party and is pretending like he's all worried. he hasn't told anyone he ran away. but we know what'll happen if he goes back to the castle *shudders*

the acting and animation for the panic attack, the breathing and the hesitation were done with a lot of care. I also like that it's in "Gus' room"

I love Gus I love him lots ok

the banned posters I love my children lmao

HIGH FIVE

I'm so happy Hunter still calls Willow "captain" he respects her a ton

and again, it makes sense he noticed she wasn't the real one. Gus is trusting, and Willow has never taken advantage of his trust, while Hunter is super on edge atm

"put him-" "out of his misery? got it" jesus dude he just kicked you

HIS TEAMMATES SAVED HIM

"dude looks sickly" yeah he's been sleep deprived and mentally abused and probably not eating much it'll do that to ya

oh I love this little ragtag team of rebel witches (+ Gus of course)

Adrien wants to find the Galderstones for Belos. Funny, pretty sure that's an ingredient for a certain thing hmmm ever heard of Grimwalkers?

"in the name of the moon we will kick your ass!"

Gus' ability to make you see traumatic memories is messed up. Dana stop traumatizing the children challenge

Hunter and Gus bonding about how they've been deceived and used. and awww the breathing with whistling ahaha is this because of the tooth gap because same

GUS KEPT THE MIRROR THINGY YES

"what... is... this??" "just go with it" my heart

friends will hug you even if you haven't showered

the Illusion coven head got MESSED UP oh my god

Barcus cracks me up he's so well spoken

and we end with Hunter having a LOT to talk about, but also having a large group of people to support and watch out for him

I suspect they're all gonna start preparing to find Luz and the others and to stop Belos in the Day of Unity ohhhohoho I feel DREAD BABEYYY

this was a dense one, and the first episode without Luz in it. I expect next week we'll catch up with them, especially King, and hopefully by the end of next ep both teams meet up to prepare together...

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nerves-nebula · 1 year

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Hunter and the Collector having a relationship of like, "heyy bestie same!!" but the thing they're saying same hat to is irrevocable psychological damage

Torn between the idea of their dynamic having Hunter being like, mental break down and being all "oh no I just remembered all the things he said that were actually implications he'd kill me but I was too focused to notice" and the collector is like "haha yep! He used to tell me how he'd kill people if/when he could get away with it. haha very funny isn't it?"

OR both of them being far too nonchelant because like, okay yeah learning everything about belos and realizing your life situation sucks, but consider Hunter's treatment of the mountain experiences.

Hunter: haha remember how he'd leave you in complete isolation and you weren't allowed to interact with anyone during such times?

Collector: YEAH FR he would sometimes cover me up for WEEKS because he'd get busy

(or alternative alternative they are angst buddies)

*slaps all three buttons at once*

OK SO HERES THE THING. WE CAN HAVE IT ALL. Just at different times! They can all co-exist just at different times about different traumatic realizations!

Scenario 1: Hunter having a breakdown over some awful realization that the collector finds HILARIOUS, either because they already knew about it or the irony behind it is so ridiculous or something. (Like hunter realizing his name likely comes from "Witch Hunter")

Scenario 2: both of them would also probably have stories of abuse they just tell casually, like you said, Hunter recalled the mountain training fondly despite it being VERY DANGEROUS. maybe the collector sees most of what happened between him and Philip in a nonchalant way too.

Like "OUGH Philip was SOOOO boring I hated being alone with him. for hundreds of years. not allowed to talk to anyone else. BUT I HAVE YOU GUYS NOW LOL SO ITS FINE XDDDD"

Scenario 3: Hunter can still be angsty with/at the collector, maybe getting mad at them for being silly when he's trying to seriously talk about his trauma.

And the collector in turn would be prone to throwing fits and having tantrums cuz he has traumatic emotions he doesn't know how to process!

for example if someone leaves and comes back way later than they said they would, he might get really angry cause he was scared they'd abandoned him. Or any other kind of scenario that would trigger them like being trapped in a small room (idk how that'd happen since theyre so powerful and can warp space but you get the point)

#nnstuff #ask #toh #the owl house #toh hunter #hunter toh #hunter wittebane #the collector #child abuse #abuse

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magicalgrimm · 3 months

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Is there anything you can tell us about Cyber? He has a really punchable face and I wanna know more about him so I can punch him in the face more

He is horrible <3

Ok but on a legitimate note, here’s a quick rundown on his backstory and character

He was once a normal guy who was evicted from his house then got kidnapped by super natural beings who used him to try to use as a vessel for their disabled buddy, but then he did an uno reverse card on that guy and pretty much possessed him back and nobody noticed because he just copy pasted the creature’s entire personality and the beast was mentally disabled due to being lobotomized years ago.

Unfortunately, cyber still worked for a pretty evil dude who disregarded every aspect of his humanity and tried to train him to be more animalistic and ruthless, cyber ended up losing every ounce of hope in getting out of his situation so he caved in and became a significantly worse person, even after his abuser passed.

He’s very good at his job, a bit too good at his job because a lot of things often get broken and people often die or get traumatized. The company he works under tries to employ him on missions as little as possible but he’s quite difficult to control and often just does what he wants. He’s grown very sadistic over the years and gained a hobby of killing and torturing for fun, so best to stay away from him as far as you possibly can.

There’s honestly a lot about him I could keep talking about, but I don’t wanna give away every single thing about him here and there are some elements I've been wondering if I should even add because it’s kinda dark. One thing I need to work on is making him flawed because he’s still a person despite being convinced he’s no longer human.

If anyone has any suggestions, critiques, or questions I’d be happy to hear.

#I might need to write in to fix some of the parts that don’t make sense but so far I’m pretty happy with what I have #even if cyber is a truly unredeemable person #i need to make him an even blend of a terrifying threat but also a big loser aka an incel with super powers #oh i forgot to go into his powers #eh next time #original character #oc #cyber #sorry this is so much to read

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theredhairedmonkey · 2 years

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Oh my god, here comes the big one!!

youtube

The closest thing to a Rayllum clip we’ve gotten so far, and man do I have thoughts:

The whole moment is a callback to when Viren and Harrow spoke about the threat of the Moonshadow assassins. To the point they even had the whole “Harrow/Ezran walks to the end of the balcony to speak with Viren/Harrow” so they’re really laying in to the mage-to-king parallels here pretty thick, even if who is helping whom is reversed here.

The vines on the castle just look like smeared paint. Could have been animated a bit better. Just thought I’d point that out here lol.

“Why aren’t you celebrating?” I realize that this is mostly just to catch the audience up on why Callum is so down right now, but I would have thought that emotionally intuitive Ezran would have caught on by the first anniversary as to why he’s so hurt by this particular day.

When Ez asks Callum if everything is ok, his first response is “Yea,” before he admits that it’s not. A subtle moment, but while Callum isn’t as closed off emotionally as Rayla, it does show he isn’t as willing to be open about his feelings as he used to be.

Why a “pineapple” cake? Because Callum’s favorite treat is fresh summer fruit. Great attention to detail here, kudos to the writing team!!

Callum connects his birthday to Rayla leaving him, which even two years later, seems pretty reasonable. Even if he wants to move on, this was a pretty traumatic moment, so no wonder the wound is still there.

Side note, Rayla leaving Callum on his birthday was absolutely insane. Was leaving the day after his birthday so difficult? Viren was not going anywhere.

In many ways, Rayla leaving Callum does mirror Rayla’s parents leaving her in some ways (especially since young Rayla and Callum both thought that they’d be strongest together). But that moment led to Rayla developing some rather problematic traits (reluctance to showing vulnerability, perfectionism, over-dedication to one’s craft). Does Callum develop similar traits? My guess is absolutely yes.

Notice how he doesn’t ever answer Ez’s question as to whether he still loves Rayla? Undoubtedly he still does, but it just shows how much it hurts Callum to admit this out loud.

“I don’t even know if she’s alive.” Going back to Callum being unable to move on, and this is why--he is left with no closure. He has no way of determining whether he can hold out hope or not. That’s rough, buddy.

Ezran thinks Rayla is alive. Storytelling 101, this does mean she is alive. Like, that’s basically what this means. To anyone who thought Rayla was dead, while there was an astonishingly low chance of this being the case before, it’s pretty much zero now.

“She loves you too.” This kid is just dropping truth bombs left and right, isn’t he?

Side note, there were a few people who saw the teaser and thought Ez was taller than Callum now...at twelve. Seemed a bit silly to me, I don’t know, but I guess it’s good that this scene cleared that up?

Like, I think that Ez will be taller than Callum when they’re both adults, but there’s no way that he'd just jump a foot in height in two years. Best guess, he’s 5′3″ right now.

And Callum wraps this up with a manly tear. Sorry, I know this is a somber moment (and it is), but no sobbing? Not even a wince? Wow, Callum is one cold mfer now.

The moon is a waxing gibbous right now (meaning just one phase before full). I just think that’s neat.

And that’s it for now! Just (at most) two months to go. Home stretch, folks!

#rayla #callum #rayllum #ezran #tdp #the dragon prince

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dogwittaablog · 4 months

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ok but what do u think his flirting style is like? How would he make the first move or would he just wait it out until he’s absolutely sure the girl likes him back? How would he approach dating a girl seriously vs a hook up scenario? I love analyzing nolpats

*This is long so buckle up your seatbelts + hopefully I answered accordingly*

I have to be so honest, I bet you this mans only hardcore flirts when he’s absolutely hammered, especially with randoms. Kind of smooth kind of corny but it works, doesn’t use any weird pick up lines. I think the setting/vibe really matters in wether he’d be successful, also the kind of individuals as well. So imma break down some settings and scenarios of how I visualize nolpats “having” game.

1. In the bar. Honest to god I can see this dude just not care, I can just see him do a “typical” go over to a girl that probably his buddies egged him on to chat up, she’d most likely be with a group of friends.

He’d walk over the table or high stools at the bar they’re sitting at and just casually leans in to grab her attention but playing it off like he’s about to ring himself up a drink and needs the bartenders attention, while doing so he’d look at her and smile, this is when he’d be able to see if she’s amused, if he gets a smile back, slight blush and sees if they give that certain look girls give one another when a guy approaches them like “oh my god he’s cute, should I?” He’d then know what’s up, and then offer her a drink going “Ahh so what is your drink of choice tonight?” (He’d probably already be a couple drinks in.)

**I think in a club my dude would just be lounged in the VIP section with his buddies eyeing girls, but I think it’s just too chaotic to try to chat anyone up. So I can see him like a bar settings more, since you actually can be audible. But my man’s definitely getting sloshed, and it’s possible he approaches girls but he’d be seeing 3’s as 10’s. He’s so far gone his friends would grab someone for him, and nothing happens cause he’s so drunk and they gotta just get him a Uber home. 💀💀💀**

2. At a concert. I know that he loves folk music, now this is where I can see him find a girl he may end up liking. I’m pretty sure he attends this folk festival that happens every summer in WPG. I’ve seen clips of folk festivals/concerts and it seems like nothing but straight up immaculate good vibes. *You can just visualize this scenario going down at a Mt. Joy concert/set.*

He’s definitely not downing shots, at these events. Maybe has a beer or two to casually sip on, might be slightly high… He’d 100% see a girl near him, who he’d see is really enjoying herself and is into the music. Dudes definitely gonna be in some kind of awe maybe even blushing without realizing and smiling to himself. Might move in slightly more close to her, it probably gets to the point she bumps into him, or he’s now visible to get her attention. He’s no doubt in my mind looking at her and going “You look like you’re really enjoying yourself, you listen to them often?” If the moment home girl says “Yeah they’re my favourite band!” It’s game over and our mans would be out there figuring out as much as he can about her.

I think he’s someone who’s observant enough to know who he can or cannot approach. Tho any typical guy will just go fuck it time to time and just shoot there shot. Can confidently say most bar/club interactions that is definitely a hookup, outside those settings is always a different playing field.

It’s definitely a bonus and a relief if a girl right away makes it obvious they’d want him or is interested and makes the first move, tho I can see him wanting to be the one to take initiative.

*Dating app him… maybe a different level of down bad and traumatic 💀*

#as they say #you ain’t finding love in the club #I fr just wrote a fanfic lmaooo #but the over analyzation of Nolpats lives on #ask #nolpat #watt pad who??#dec '23 subs

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cassthecringe · 10 months

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pls share abt ur ocs <3 i remember the sister who was looking for her brother, and ur jjba oc percy f. lloyd. do u have other ones?

YAY yes ok. so i meant mostly the sister looking for her brother story so i'll talk aobut that here but if anyone wants to hear about my absolute loser jojo oc percy f lloyd (always say his full name or he'll kill you), send me a message and i'll make a post <3 he is in part 6 and serves as a general annoyance. he's not even a stand user. ANYWAY

so yes the sister and brother story. for those not in the know this girl ai (wip name) is looking for her brother after they get separated when their village was raided during war. ai's mom basically grabbed her and ran cause she wasn't gonna risk losing her only other kid (she is not a believer in best of both worlds) and ai never forgives her for it. when ai gets old enough she enlists in the army to use it as means of looking for her brother. her story picks up from there

ai has a big attitude and a short temper. even before everything she probably has some sort of mood disorder but the general trauma of her life did not help it at all so she's very unruly and short. as such even though she's been in the army for a long time she doesnt have a very high rnaking cause she just cannot do what she is told. it doesnt help that she has no allegiance to the military or national cause at all cause she doesn't actually care baout that, she's just looking for her brother. frankly the only reason she isn't kicked is cause she does do well in battle (she's a good swordswoman) and her commanding officer is a bit of a bleeding heart and wants to help her (ai will not let him)

anyway so ai goes on this whole journey. she meets a girl named arha that she gets homosexual with and she gets a little buddy named adalia that she is forced to mentor (adalia is the one forcing her). ai has a hard time focusing on them (and her commanding officer who frankly at one point quits the army in order to help her cause. well im still figuring it out but yknow) past the desire to find her brother. she refuses to believe he's dead

and like he's not dead! and she does find him! but he never looked for her. he had been saved by some dragons and was living with them and learning magic. while he knew ai and their mom weren't dead, he knew it wasn't likely he'd ever go back to human society (he was kinda traumatized by the raid and also the dragons are nice so) and so he just, moved on. this absolutely fucking crushes ai cause she ruined all the life she's lived thus far to find him and he didn't even...care if she did. her brother isn't a bad guy btw it's just. he was so young when the raid happened and he again never thought he'd see them again so. he's glad to have her now but it is admittedly awkward especially with how shattered ai is

so ai tries to figure out what comes after a) finding her goal and b) that goal not resulting in what she thought it would. her brother does join her and probably the war that was going on will be wrapped up by them but im still figuring that part out. ai accepts arha and adalia and her commander (and probably others but those are just the three i've conceived of so far) into her heart and she learns to move on, too. after which her and her brother's relationship improves in leaps and bounds. and while she never quite forgives her mom she's able to form a relationship with her after it all. but yeah

anyway i know i spoiled a lot of the beats of the story with this but! that's the basic gist. lol

this is ai btw (this is an outdated design but the foundations are here)

#cass cries #ocs #thakns for ASKING apollo ily

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fishybehavior · 2 years

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this isn't the best, but idk guy

also like what if skybound, but like fjlksaf;dlkfm

trigger warnings: blood mention, injury, hospital, its skybound aftermath my dudes, so its all trauma

---

"Jay!" Zane screamed, watching his boyfriend collapse. One second he was arguing with Nya about their breakup instead of hiding from the cameras, and then he was shaking in pain and Nya was screaming.

Zane watched in horror as Jay collapsed and Nya started to scream. Rushing to Jay, he picked up his crumpled form. Jay’s eyes were partially closed and rolled back, one of them was bloodied. His face was covered in bruises and cuts that weren't there before. The hand supporting his back was warm and wet, pulling his hand away he saw it was covered in blood. He started to shake, watching his boyfriend's eyes close completely as he went completely limp in his arms.

“Jay?” Zane muttered in shock, he looked up at Nya who had crumpled to the floor, hugging Kai, her eyes fixed on Jay.

“What did you do?” He asked, and at that moment the helicopter rose next to the building, the huge tv screen in the middle of Ninjago City broadcasted the chaos for all to see.

—

Jay’s injuries were severe, and Nya was too traumatized to talk. And Zane was too in shock to truly process what had happened.

Sitting next to his lover in the hospital, he hadn’t woken up. Zane couldn’t understand what had happened, one second he was fine, and now Jay was severely injured. His back seemed to have been whipped and almost lost his left eye. Yet the most worrying bit was the terrible acid burn over his heart, burned into his chest. Zane had his hand in a tight grip, terrified if he blinked again that he would somehow get worse.

A soft knock on the door broke him from his thoughts, as Cole walked in. “How’s he doing?” Cole asked, gesturing to Jay.

“He’s stable,” Zane answered, the eye’s not leaving Jay’s face as he rubbed circles onto the back of his hand. “How is Nya faring?” He asked, remembering she also had unexplained injuries, yet they were far less life-threatening than Jay’s.

“She’s doing better, she’s finally asleep.”

“Has she said-

“No. Nothing, we’re just trying to make sure she’s ok, whatever happened.” Cole placed his hand on his shoulder, “How are you doing?” He asked softly.

Zane coughed, “I’m fine.” Zane heard Cole hum.

“Why do I not believe you?” He tried to joke, but Zane didn’t respond. Taking the seat next to him he wrapped his arms around his friend. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Zane nodded, eyes still locked on his boyfriend's face. “You saw it, right? One moment they were arguing and. . . and then. . .” Zane took in a shaky breath, and Cole rubbed his back. “I blinked. I blinked and then. . .” Tears wheeled in his eyes, but he still refused to blink them away. “Could I have done something?”

“Buddy,” Cole whispered, “I was right there, I don’t think there was any way we could have predicted this, let alone prevent it.” He tried to comfort him, but it seemed to be what broke the dam, as Zane began to cry.

“Then how can I keep him safe!? How can I keep any of you safe?! If in mere moments one of us could be injured, or even. . .” His words dissolved into tears as Cole held him close.

“I don’t know Zane. But one of them must have answers.” He said, trembling a little as he tried to comfort his friend, “Nya must know something. We’ll ask when she wakes up. She has to know.”

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friedesgreatscythe · 1 year

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i don’t really write blog entries on here anymore. i sometimes use twitter for that, but mostly i use it to shitpost, talk about writing (briefly), RT art i like, and just chat with my indie writer buddies.

i feel a little bad; in the past people would message me saying how helpful my longer entries were for them, how it resonated with them, how they understood how i felt because they felt something similar themselves. not writing entries like that anymore makes me feel a bit guilty, i suppose. are those people okay? did they find a way to express those thoughts? are they doing better now? do they no longer resonate so strongly with how it feels to be traumatized and suffering? i wish them well. i wish them health. i hope they’re doing better.

in a way, i guess that means im doing better? it’s hard to look at myself like that; i’m too close to the source of it all to be able to make an objective statement. my doctor has said, more than once, that he thinks i’ve changed considerably. he always makes sure to pose the question back to me: do i think so? do i see myself as that?

in some ways yeah, i can “see” it. it’s easier for me to enjoy the things i enjoy without feeling guilty. it’s easier for me to avoid the mire of judgment and criticism that my thoughts can fall into, and if i do fall into it, i find it easier to start clawing my way out. even if i can’t get clear of it completely, i still feel like my head’s above water (even if just barely). i get along better with my mother because i’m healthier, and even though she and i have a toxic relationship, that doesn’t mean it’s my fault, or that i can’t control how it effects me, or how i take part in it; it doesn’t mean i can’t sympathize with her, or show compassion to her, or help her when she needs one or all of the above.

but when it comes to “seeing” myself, that feels like someone is speaking a language ive never heard before. what do you mean i have to take a step back and look at myself? what do you mean i have to at least have a general idea of who “i” am? i see myself in pieces: krist the writer, krist the survivor, krist the reader, krist the sister, krist the new yorker, krist the cat owner, krist the enby bi, krist the millennial, etc. etc. there’s parts of my identity that are so divided, so distinct, that they feel like the main “me” at any given time, if im feeling strongly about one of them.

but i also see myself as two larger, distinct entities: the me in my head, with thoughts and feelings and goals and fears and passions, and the me that is literal, physical, tangible, visceral. and i really hate that second one. i hate looking at her. i hate touching her. i hate taking care of her. personal hygiene aside (because like HELL would i ever forgo that) i neglect her as much as i can, until it hurts too much. and i’m ok with that. i don’t mind it. i like it. and i don’t want to stop that habit.

which, of course, means that’s exactly what we’re going to work on, and destroy, and reshape, and set aside, or find a way to replace in therapy. merging the me in my head with the me in my skin, the me that is skin, the me that is a heartbeat and breath and blood and piss and hunger. and i hate the thought of it. i hate it dearly. all my life things can and did and would happen to my body that i couldn’t stop, but the one thing that couldn’t be touched was my mind, the me in there. i don’t want to be both. i don’t want to be one. i want to be piloting this stupid body like a meatsuit mech and go about my days happy with that division.

#krist writes #bah #that bpd feel #it's the bpd

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