S1 Keeley with a boyfriend she genuinely likes and has fun with (the first one in ages) and is maybe even starting to love, even though she hadn’t ever planned on falling in love with him, and this was only supposed to be PR, right (probably), and he isn’t even the right material for a longterm thing anyway (unless he could be?) only for him to go and break their carefully woven trust and demonstrate that he really is more the arsehole everyone else keeps telling her he is, rather than the person he's been to her (the one who, sure, has an ego through the roof, but who's also funny and kind and ambitious and brave) in one fell swoop. To have to wonder if she’s been blind this whole time to who he really is, and to be made to feel like a total idiot because of how he treated her, and then to decide firmly that no, he is good and he is trying, and then to make the choice to continue to be there for him and help him when he asks...

Late S1/S2 Keeley with a different boyfriend, and this one she's certain she loves, and he could most definitely be longterm material with only a little polishing, in fact she's pretty sure this is it, and she's going to see this man through to his shine, because he's worth it. Even as he spirals in retirement and even as they hurt each other in small ways that eventually start to add up into something bigger, she keeps believing things will get better and they both will do better, because the little life they've been building is worth it. Or it has been, up until he goes and breaks up with her and doesn't even give her the courtesy of presenting something passable as a reason, even as he's turned into a stranger before he's fully out the door. And then they're barely talking and she's heartbroken and she knows she probably went wrong somewhere in there, too, but he never told her how and she's too tired to pick apart all the whys, and she's mad at him but it's difficult to even hold space for that anger because she misses him....

S3 Keeley Jones who stumbles into another new thing, and it's not going to be anything serious (unless it could be), and she's still grieving the last one (maybe the last two?) (but this will be different, really) and Rebecca's telling her she isn't certain this is a good thing (but Rebecca never liked Jamie, either, and Jamie's turned out all right, hasn't he). Her new girlfriend flying her on extravagant dates and flooding her with extravagant gifts and making Keeley feel appreciated, like all the time she's put in is finally being recognized, makes her feel worthy of love (she only wants to be loved. she wants people to stop leaving.) Even as her new girlfriend announces their relationship to the entire office (and sure, it's a little sticky, being that her girlfriend is also her boss, and it makes Keeley feel a little uncomfortable, actually, having all those eyes on her, her employees, but she pushes it aside because Jack isn't afraid to acknowledge her, to make it known that she likes her, to stick with her, and that's something). It's something until it isn't, anyway. Until she only acknowledges Keeley where she wants to, to the people she wants to. Until she leaves, too, and takes Keeley's funding with her. And then Keeley is left to feel like the clueless one again, the idiot for not spotting it coming all along.

And she's making stupid decisions again (sleeping with exes just to get the chance to feel someone), and Jamie and Roy are weirdly close now, and isn't that just flipping great. somehow she missed that, too. And she's the one who made them both better!! they never would have turned out like this if she hadn't been pushing them towards it all along, and now they're there without her, which really doesn't seem fucking fair and definitely sucks. And she's maybe still a little (a lot) in love with both of them, but then they're demanding she choose between them like quarreling stupid schoolboys, and she doesn't even want to choose and she wants both of them at the same time she wants neither of them and then there's still the sticky business of rebuilding her firm with what Jack did still sitting so raw in her chest (and it was never that serious anyway, so why does it bother her so much? why does everything bother her so much?)

(im gnawing at my enclosure)