#it's just like ableism all the way down innit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 2 years

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it takes a really long time to unlearn but there's no such thing as "cheating" or "half-assing" being a person. if you need to leave the cabinet doors open, leave them open. microwave your tea. sit down in the shower. buy the eggmaker. use your phone to calculate tip.

it's mostly fake posterity rules. who cares if you microwave your dinners. who cares if you use instant coffee. who cares if you stop watching the show that got boring. we all have a different set of skills and a different life and taking care of yourself is fucking hard.

at the end of your life there will be no final scoreboard. nobody is going to judge you because you brushed your teeth in the shower. there will be no final count of the number of times you had the same meal five nights in a row. there will be no fanfare or party because you won at being a person - and no one will be disappointed that you never understood the point of using paper towels to dry your hands off after washing them.

yeah, in this world, people will put up a fuss. i've noticed some of the biggest fusses are over what you'll put in/on your body. the fact that i will regularly eat deli meat straight out of the bag makes a lot of people genuinely concerned for me. but here's the thing: sometimes that's the only way i'm getting any protein. my doctor says i am doing fine. i'm sticking to my weird snacks and calling it deconstructed charcuterie.

they'll say they're horrified because you take a shortcut. that's fine. it's just that it looks like a shortcut to them because they're on a different life path. these kinds of things stand out to them as important. that's fine too. but for you? you've got other things that already make you pretty hard working. and these tiny things - well, they're just clutter on your journey.

#before any motherfucker is like <3 #''i know more about this and it IS WRONG to do this THING''#shhhhh #unless ur a doctor and a patient has specifically asked... shut the FUCK up dude #one of the ways my life has changed in the last few years is like #taking coffee for granted #isn't something i can do #can you stand up for the entirety of making a meal? i can't always #and having some pompousass person be like #MICROWAVE THE WATER? FOR TEA? like . yeah actually i've been in prison for it ever since #''it tastes different!!!'' cool. it's not going into yOUR body.#i personally don't ever make hot chocolate with water. only ever oat/soy milk #but i wouldn't be like ... SIR. I WILL NOW JUDGE THEE #it's just like ableism all the way down innit #ableism and classism and #the expectation of the mental load as a form of being ''good''#also. besides the like. pots and [redacted medical information]#im doing GREAT actually #>:) i have visible abs even when not flexing #it's bc god prefers me as a lesbian n has rewarded me lately for presenting more openly

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aspd-culture · 11 months

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Do you have any like actual tips for pro-socials who have antisocial loved ones, like friends or partners? So many sites are like “dealing with a [x]? Here’s ten ways to handle it!” and then it details abusive tactics (which is blatantly stupid, IMO, pwaspd/npd already expect the world to do this to them so idk where they’re getting the idea that pwaspd/npd wouldn’t expect this behavior because their upbringing TRAINED them to expect this behavior but hey, nobody said ableists actually knew what the fuck they were talking about).

I personally struggle with an aspd trait here or there alongside a bigger bpd/npd comorbidity so I get the pathological aspect of this disorder but truly, it is hard to like. believe them when they say they care or whatever because even though I know, mentally, that the bare minimum is pretty much their way of trying to care when they don’t get anything out of it like I do, a small part of me wishes for the mask back where I got the effort and adoration I used to. It sucks but I also don’t think pwaspd should also be left behind in society just because their relational instincts got fucked up before they had a chance.

Idk. I feel like there’s a lot of ableism that people without aspd need to unpack (myself included) but it’s also like, what do you do when someone quite literally admits to manipulating you (in an effort to hold themselves accountable) and frequently lies to make their lives easier? Like I get it Mentally and I can pinpoint why their actions Are them trying to care and show care, especially if they actually do care and well, aspd innit? but the mental understanding is one thing and the craving for the emotional connection with them is another.

I hope this is cohesive and I hope I’m not imposing or being an ableist dick or anything, I just. Don’t think it’s fair to hold the disorder against them and a grand majority of people who think “HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE” about mental illness advocacy is almost always punitive and withholding and expecting an exorbitant amount of groveling or self-flagellation on part of those with “scary” disorders and idk how to approach this with sensitivity and nuance that it deserves and requires.

Ok, so first part of your question asked for tips for prosocials who have antisocial loved ones. Here I go into how to support someone with ASPD (suspected or diagnosed).

Following the tips further down in this post can avoid conflict as well as help you communicate in ways that are effective to pwASPD.

As for dealing with someone telling you they are manipulating you, try and remember that much of the socially acceptable (and even some mandatory behaviors) are manipulation. Manipulation is just trying to affect someone's feelings, thoughts, or actions, or trying to change the end result of a situation. This includes flirting, job interviews, college applications/essays, pay raise negotiations, court proceedings (on the part of everyone in that room except the judge and jury), etc etc etc. If you have ever apologized with the hope or expectation that you will be forgiven, you have manipulated for your own gain. If you've ever bought someone dinner before asking them a favor, you have manipulated someone. One of the most romantic things someone can do - an elaborate proposal where you take them on a lovely date to their favorite places and make them feel special and then list all of your favorite things about the person before asking them to be with you forever is MASSIVE manipulation. It's just not malicious manipulation. Have you ever tried to convince someone to get out of an abusive relationship? That's manipulation for the purpose of sabotaging a relationship because you believe it is what is best for another person, even at the expense of what they think about it and what they want. Does that make it wrong? Of course not. There is such a thing as being manipulative in neutral and/or positive ways - society just doesn't like calling all of that stuff manipulation because the word manipulation has been given a nasty connotation.

As for the lying, though, if they are lying to *you* consistently and not making effort to change despite communication about it (including reassurance that you will allow them to explain themselves fully without interrupting and do your best to remain calm even after that no matter what they tell you - people with ASPD need that if you expect us to give up a coping mechanism as big as lying in a close, vulnerable relationship/friendship that we don't want to lose), that is a problem. It is not acceptable for them to lie to you. You are entirely in your right to make boundaries and separate yourself if they can't be honest with you, especially about big/important things, but honestly about anything. If they're lying to other people in a way that doesn't affect you, though, why is that a problem? They are dealing with their symptoms and making certain they are doing so in a way that doesn't harm you. That is very difficult for someone with ASPD, as it would be for anyone with any personality disorder, and that effort should be respected and appreciated.

Also who *doesn't* do things to make their lives easier? If you were being asked by a creep at a bar for your number, would you give it to them? Would you maybe lie about having a partner or give them a fake number or say you had to go for a pretend emergency to get out? Yes, those lies are for your perceived safety because that situation could be dangerous, but for pwASPD (people with ASPD), every interaction with other people has as much potential for danger as the situation I described. It is understandable to not be used to seeing things that way, but that was our life during vital stages of development and there are things we had to do to adapt to that reality. ASPD literally changes how your brain is wired, so there is only so much that you can expect us to change, and one thing you cannot expect from most of us is to get rid of that belief that we are in danger. Trying to only really makes us see *you* as a danger trying to get our guard down so you can hurt us.

I also don't think "the bare minimum" is a fair way to describe the way pwASPD show love. It not being what you're used to is not the same as it being the bare minimum. It takes an exceptional amount of work on the part of someone with ASPD to try to understand, accommodate, communicate with, and avoid hurting prosocials what with all the extra effort that requires for us. We literally work more than a prosocial does to be "extra" in a relationship just to manage what you call the bare minimum. What is caring about someone if not inconveniencing yourself purely for the sake of understanding them and making them happy? What is love if not effort?

I do understand wishing for the mask to come back, but as someone who has disorders you mentioned in your ask, I'm hoping you understand why asking them to do that would be unfair, unrealistic, and ableist. However, it is none of those things to privately miss that time, and it sounds to me like you're doing the latter which is in no way problematic in my opinion.

There are ways to ask for some of their previous behavior and treatment back without asking them to mask again, if it's things that aren't symptoms of ASPD themselves. For example, if they initiated hangouts/dates more often before, it's completely reasonable to ask them to do that again. If they no longer are expressing interest in your emotions, you can address that concern. Things like that don't have to be asking them to mask - it can just be asking them to do some things within your love language. That's not unreasonable if you're being kind, communicating with them, and making sure your requests are made within reasonable expectations with their symptoms.

You're allowed to have needs and most pwASPD will respect you much more if you can effectively communicate exactly what they are, rather than a generic "I don't feel like you care about me as much anymore" or expecting us to read social cues we aren't wired to understand/look for. I have given (and stick by!) more than one pwASPD the advice to not engage with guessing games and make boundaries expecting their partners to communicate in a way they can understand easily - and thus to not adjust behavior unless they have been told that it is causing harm unless it is *blatantly obvious*. When I say that, I don't mean obvious to prosocials; I mean things like physical or sexual abuse. Even raised voices are pretty normal to plenty of pwASPD, to the point where it isn't obvious that that would scare or hurt someone.

However, if no amount of simple behavioral changes or verbal reassurance can convince you that someone with ASPD cares about you without them basically not having the disorder or letting you cherrypick allowed symptoms, then I feasibly see two choices for you. This isn't me trying to be a jerk, just being objective to what I think makes sense for you and them. The first is that you can put in the work yourself to unlearn the ways that you're used to care being shown to allow you to accommodate your loved ones with ASPD without feeling hurt. If that isn't something that can work for you, that's okay. It's okay to have boundaries and be honest with yourself about what things you are incompatible with. However, at that point, the only thing to do that would be fair in my opinion is to separate yourself from the people with ASPD that are in your life.

I'm not suggesting you never speak to them again (although you are certainly allowed to make that choice for yourself). I'm suggesting you may need to restructure your relationships with those people such that feeling like they don't care (so long as they are doing their best to show they do) won't negatively impact you. In other words, for example, if you can't handle a partner showing they care the way they do because of their ASPD, then it's your job to end that relationship with them and either entirely remove yourself from their life, or just be friends.

If that's the choice you need to make for yourself, then I think it's important that you stress to them that this is not anything they have done wrong or need to work on - that it is an issue with how you are able perceive people caring about you. It's hard to say this in a way that won't sound ableist, because admittedly the issue would be rooted in some societal ableism (not really ableism on your part, just that the way children are taught to perceive love is incompatible with ASPD and even other disorders that can affect empathy and such).

It is very important to note that most of this does not apply if what you are dealing with is abuse - meaning for the purposes of this that they know they are hurting you, they are in control of the behavior that is hurting you, and are choosing to continue it without making any effort to change despite you clearly communicate your pain and what exactly is causing it. To evaluate that, you need to be objective and really ask yourself if you're coming from a reasonable place or not. Are you asking this person to either not have a disorder or allow you to pick and choose what symptoms you find acceptable? Or are you communicating boundaries to protect your wellbeing and making compromises that work for both of you while respecting their past and their symptoms? Those are two very different things, and there are shades of gray inbetween. Asking another prosocial who has not intentionally worked to unlearn their ableism against ASPD and done their research into its symptoms or a pwASPD who has not taken reasonable steps to heal their trauma and not hurt those close to them is not going to be truly objective. If you have a therapist who is aware of and respectful of ASPD, they would be a relatively objective place to evaluate what is abusive vs symptoms they can't be expected to control, assuming you could keep your language neutral (moreso than in your ask, which while not disrespectful or ableist, was definitely not entirely neutral). However, as a person with ASPD I would always prefer my partner speak to me about their concerns over my behavior before they ask anyone else - so if you haven't done that, I would certainly advise you to start there.

Even if any of the things I said are ableist or are rooted in ableism apply to you, it's worth noting I'm not saying or implying you are ableist yourself. Evidently, you came to a blog to get help with this situation from someone who understands the perspective of your loved one as much as possible, and that shows you likely aren't ableist - but as you mentioned one can have ableism to unlearn while not being ableist themselves. Please do not take any of this post as aggressive or attacking. It was all written in a neutral tone, I promise. I am aware how my text tone can come off to prosocials, which is why I specify this. If I was upset with the ask or thought you were just an ableist person or that the ask was disrespectful/not in good faith, I would just delete it.

I hope this helps and if you have or need any clarification, have any other questions, etc. you are more than welcome to submit them to me./gen

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

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fae-fucker · 6 years

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Shatter Me: Chapter 18-19

Chapter 18

My heart must be bleeding out of my chest.

I look down and can’t understand why there’s no blood on my dress, why this pain in my heart feels so real.

Why does this book act as if witnessing murder and feeling bad about it somehow makes you some sort of pure-hearted saint?

“You killed him,” I manage to whisper. “You just killed him—”

“You’re very astute.”

I hate Warner Bros. but I live for him pointing out that that Juliette is being a dumbass, because #mood honestly.

Juliette goes all Rambo and slams Warner Bros. up against a wall.

“You disgust me.” I stare hard into his crystal-cold eyes. “You disgust me—”

“You’re willing to kill and torture people for intimidation, willing to torture Adam to make me obey, but now you’ve proven that you’re also willing to kill people for disobeying and for intimidation! YOU DISGUST ME!!”

All the chapters since Juliette left whatever facility she was in before have only been there to show how brutal and edgy Warner Bros. is. That’s literally it. There’s been no other plot progression, we still don’t know what he wants with Juliette, it’s just Warner Bros. taking her from scene to scene, sometimes literally holding her arm/hand, showing off how hardcore he is, and then putting her back into her room.

And every time Juliette acts surprised, even though every chapter ends with her realizing how evil Warner Bros. is and how she’ll never work for him.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He twists me around, pinning me against the door where I just held him. He cups my face in his gloved hands, holding my eyes in place. The same hands he just used to kill a man.

I’m trapped.

Transfixed.

Slightly terrified. His thumb brushes my cheek.

“Life is a bleak place,” he whispers. “Sometimes you have to learn how to shoot first.”

1) “Slightly” terrified? Bitch, what?

2) Tahereh, my girl, why the fuck do you do this? You spend chapters upon chapters building this guy up as some sort of sexy evil mastermind, only to undo it all by having Juliette cream herself over him the moment he’s acting even a little bit intimate. If we ignore the absolutely disgusting message, your protagonist’s reaction to these things will influence the reader’s view of the character.

If she’s so quick to get “transfixed” right after that brutal display, why the fuck did you write that shit in the first place? You’re undoing your own goddamn work.

3) You’ve also been painting Juliette as this saint who cares about the people and will never work for the Reestablishment for some reason, someone who’s super stubborn and sensitive to displays of violence, yet she’s so quick to forget that murdered guy who’s still bleeding out not too far from where they are?

None of this makes any goddamn sense. Do writers not think about what they write? I guess why should they, since readers don’t think about what they read?

They return Juliette to Juliette’s room because that’s enough story for now, and Juliette asks about Adam. Warner Bros. asks why she cares.

I’ve cared about Adam Kent since I was in third grade.

1) There was no mention of Adam before he showed up.

2) Why didn’t you recognize him when you first saw him?

3) You said that nobody had ever been nice to you. I’m assuming he has, or else you wouldn’t have liked him (unless he was cute, but I doubt Juliette would get away with having such a “”””trivial”””” reason), so why didn’t you mention him before?

This is all extremely stupid.

“I only kill people if I need to.”

“Generous.”

“More than most.”

So you’re telling me that Warner Bros. is nice compared to the other commanders or whatever his title is? You’re telling me that other people in his position kill soldiers randomly?

God this is so edgy and so, so profoundly stupid.

Warner says some shit about how they’re alike, Juliette says not to compare her disease to his insanity (nice ableism there, asshole), and Warner gets all pissy at her for daring to not call her ability a gift.

“Disease?” He rushes forward, abruptly impassioned, and I struggle to hold my ground. “You think you have a disease?” he shouts. “You have a gift! You have an extraordinary ability that you don’t care to understand! Your potential—”

“I have no potential!”

“You’re wrong.” He’s glaring at me. There’s no other way to describe it. I could almost say he hates me in this moment. Hates me for hating myself.

Are you shitting me? This is some “you don’t know you’re beautiful” shit, right here. I hate this.

At the end of the chapter, we get the most hilarious exchange:

His smile is laced with dynamite. “Go to sleep.”

“Go to hell.”

He works his jaw. Walks to the door. “I’m working on it.”

I’m crying. This is supposed to be deep and show how troubled and sad he is.

GUYS THIS IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING.

We’re 18 chapters in and I still don’t know what the plot is.

Chapter 19

Juliette has edgy nightmares (that are justified, for once) and then Adam just shows up in the middle of the night, I guess.

“Juliette?” He doesn’t move an inch. His gaze is fixed on me: calm, unflappable; 2 buckets of river water at midnight.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN WITH THE BUCKETS TAHEREH.

I’d like to cry into his eyes.

What in the whole fuck.

That is a disgusting image, thanks Juliette.

Adam grabs the pillows and blankets off her bed and tells her to lie down, which gets Juliette all hot and bothered and she wants him to say those words to her “all day every day forever”. Jesus. This got weirdly graphic now all of a sudden.

She ogles his half-naked body some more because she saw a man get killed and this is on her list of priorities right now.

Every breath in my body escapes me.

... Is this her way of saying that she farted?

Because how else am I supposed to interpret that?

I curl my fingers around the possibility of Adam in my hand and sleep more soundly than I have in my life.

Does she ... fall asleep thinking of the comfort of wanking Adam’s dick?

I’m ... Either I’m reaching for anything entertaining about this book at this point, or this all just got weirdly sexual. I’m assuming it’s the former but you never know.

Anyway, morning comes but Adam doesn’t.

I decide to wash my face. The idea exhilarates me and I’m a little ashamed.

One moment this stupid bitch is ashamed of washing her face, the other she forgets about the corpse bleeding out below her so she can get all soaked up for Warner.

She notices that Adam is all covered in bruises, which I guess she didn’t see before in the night despite noticing his muscles, but whatever.

My legs feel broken.

No they fucking don’t.

Juliette shows Adam the crumpled paper and he seems relieved, which makes her conclude that he’s super trustworthy and didn’t betray her.

I step forward and close the door.

I open my mouth to speak.

“No!”

My jaw falls off.

Look at this writing. The only good thing about is is that it makes me feel like I’m William fucking Shakespeare.

Adam turns on the showed because there could still be microphones in the bathroom.

So ... are you telling me that there’s people listening to Juliette or Adam taking a huge dump just to make sure they’re not talking about anything important?

I’m giggling.

Anyway, obviously this is all just so Adam and Juliette can stand in the hot water together. Juliette will now get wet on every possible level.

“I can touch you,” he says, and I wonder why there are hummingbirds in my heart. “I didn’t understand until the other night,” he murmurs, and I’m too drunk to digest the weight of anything but his body hovering so close to mine.

How convenient that the only other hot guy can touch you, innit?

And she’s not freaking out or anything, she’s just so turned on by him that even this completely fucking life-changing fact flies straight over her head. She doesn’t even react much to the fact that she’s standing in the shower with this guy.

Hey, who needs a consistent personality or realistic reactions when there’s a man in the scene?

His body presses closer and I realize I’m paying attention to nothing but the dandelions blowing wishes in my lungs.

*sigh* What?

Adam is touching Juliette all over because he can (no that’s literally the reason he gives her) and she’s all about it even though she hasn’t given any consent, because that’s something we want to reinforce.

His fingertips are 10 points of electricity killing me with something I’ve never known before. Something I’ve always wanted to feel.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Turns out that Adam has known he can touch her for a while now, because he tried to wake her up earlier in their cell when she was screaming.

Anyway, Adam blue-balls them both a bit more by taking his shirt off, because of course he does:

I follow the line of his jaw down his neck to the peak of his collarbone; I memorize the sculpted hills and valleys of his arms, the perfection of his torso. The bird on his chest.

The bird on his chest.

A tattoo.

A white bird with streaks of gold like a crown atop its head. It’s flying.

How ... convenient that it matches with her symbolic daydreams. I’m assuming it will be explained.

“I’ll find a way to talk to you,” he says, and his hands are reeling me in and my face is pressed against his chest and the world is suddenly brighter, bigger, beautiful. The world suddenly means something to me, the possibility of humanity means something to me, the entire universe stops in place and spins in the other direction and I’m the bird.

I’m the bird and I’m flying away.

So here we have confirmation that Juliette doesn’t care much about the world or humanity, yet she still somehow clings to her morals and refuses to work with the Reestablishment? What kind of sense does that make?

Oh, sorry. I forgot that there’s a Man in this room and that men both make everything better and give meaning to a woman’s world, my bad.

So ... there are cameras in her room, correct? Doesn’t Adam think that it’ll be suspicious that he’s clothed and wet, just like she is? If they see them together like this, won’t they realize that he touched her and survived?

This shit better have consequences or else there’s no point to those cameras.

#eff reads: shatter me #book rants

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