#it's frustrating watching my parents seem cordially concerned about my health or my college status or something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wrecking · 2 years

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genuinely just want to lay in bed and cry all the time as of late but you know i can’t just like Do that so i need to find some form of outlet for this

edit: i did not expect the tags to be this long, sorry for that

#d #haven't felt this consistently bad in a long time #idk what it is specifically like if it's the college thing or the injury thing or the Me Suffering Mentally thing or all 3 #as time has gone on since i finished high school i've always kinda struggled imagining . any sort of future for myself at all #i feel like i'm coming to the realization that i'm not really ever going to be not codependent just because i'm so Like This #and like that's fine in my head but i know everyone else is going to hate it all the time and also hate me for it #and it just makes me so. why can't i have been born into a family that actually listens to me or respects me #why can't i get out either. at least without tearing this whole family apart #not like it matters much to me cuz i've always felt like a stranger but i know it'd destroy them #but also all of this ^^^ shouldn't even fucking MATTER right now because i'm struggling enough with college prep and trying to cope #esp with the 15000000 doctor's visits and health scares and everyone insisting i have to uproot every aspect of my current routine #for whatever god damn reason (some valid some not) so i'm just constantly uneasy and uncomfortable and i feel like i'm getting more unstable #it's frustrating watching my parents seem cordially concerned about my health or my college status or something #but anytime it's not what they want to hear or i disagree with them about something it's immediately back to them treating me horribly #and also the fact i can't like. add onto this at all cuz to my parents i'm so. clueless that if i reveal any of this-#i will spend the next 100000 years fighting for anything i say to be seen legitimately regarding anything at all.#like i can't change anything without fighting like hell but i also can't stay the same so it feels like i'm losing all my agency #and being forced into things i'm either not ready for or don't want #but i can't oppose or speak out or ask for anything else because either i'm ungrateful or too naive to be involved in the conversation #i feel like i'm being excluded from the conversation if you will about my entire life. everything about me i find out after everyone else #god sorry i ranted in the tags tonight. gonna just post this and delete it in a few hours :zany:

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