#it's been a couple years since ive checked it so maybe theyve healed but im somehow doubtful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cutlikediamonds · 11 months

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i might be a lot more active here for the summer lol

so i just finished my first year away at school which honestly it had high highs but also low lows so i dont mind coming back home but at the same time, the highs i got were mostly even possible because i wasnt home. my family means well and i love them and i dont want us to ever become estranged or anything but there was just a lot of unresolved trauma and grief among all of us and getting to escape that did wonders for my mental health and even my relationship with them. but i have no where else to be for the summer but home, where i dont have my bedroom anymore and im sleeping on the couch, and where i feel like im surrounded by people who are forever going to cling to a version of me theyve had since i was a kid because they refuse to realize i grew up or that they ever hurt me, intentional or not.

(and it wasnt intentional ever, i know that, which makes everything more complicated because i know im valid in my anger about it but also know that they genuinely didnt mean it. its complicated. families are complicated.)

anyways, that itself is kinda fine on its own. its stressful and it requires all my efforts of self advocacy and regulating my emotions but i was doing okay taking on the challenge mostly.

but ive been here a couple weeks now and something has become incredibly clear that i wasnt really ready for, this house is still so goddamn disordered when it comes to weight and eating and its only gotten way fucking worse.

part of me getting out of here and healing was i got to be completely in control of my own food and restart that incredibly unhealthy relationship from scratch and heal a bit for once. maybe even exercise for reasons that werent self-punishment. i got to finally figure out what foods i even liked because i wasnt just only considering calories and guilt anymore. now im home and i guess i forgot that they all stayed here and didnt get the same experience, theyve only gotten worse. and theyre supportive of me working on my mental health, even if they dont always understand, but ive never told them about my own eating disorder so of course they arent thinking anything of it, but im already relapsing.

i went from not even having access to a scale to having two in the house. they instantly went back to calling me the skinny one. they love boasting about the number on the scale going down and how small their appetite is now and how they arent even hungry - they do not comment on the throwing up and the dizziness theyre getting from the injections.

yeah, injections. not that im expecting an audience but for anyone reading, if youve ever heard of those injections that are originally for diabetics that are now being marketed for weight loss (as if it isnt hard enough for diabetics to get the treatment they need in this fucking country), thats what my brother and sister are on thats making them shed all this weight. my mom isnt on it but shes her usual self, being over supportive of toxic behaviors and trying to hide ‘junk’ food and shit from them, passing it all off as her being helpful.

the thing is its again complicated too. i dont wanna be negative when they try to celebrate their weight loss, i know its something that has genuinely troubled them for years and i can tell this means a lot to them, but fucking come on. i dont need to be a psychologist to see how wrong this all is. i know its a lot harder to do the real work of unpacking your relationship with your body and diet and find a healthy balance but if this is the easy way out they take instead?

theyre obsessive. i just saw my brother weigh himself after eating. my sister is body checking every time she passes the mirror. my mom keeps saying the calories in everything when either of them are looking for something to eat. someone told them ‘i heard most people gain back most of the weight after something like this’ (which is true) and its like they just refused to hear it - ‘im not gonna let that happen.’ hey, as someone who had the exact same fucking mindset when i lost a crazy amount of weight and was scared of one day gaining it back, yeah you fucking will.

and thats what sucks. is i can see how shitty this all is but im too weak to help because its all just triggering me and now i dont wanna stop so i cant make them stop cuz then id have to too. i dont want to admit my own problems yet, then they try to stop me. call me a hypocrite, i am one, i dont know what you want from me. i think ive made it pretty clear we arent very mentally well here.

so thats why im gonna post here more. i dont wanna tell anyone about it cuz i dont wanna admit how much it triggers me, and i also am sick of trauma dumping and venting to friends, so im just gonna grin and bear it and scream about it here.

im down five pounds. its nothing compared to the tens of pounds theyve lost already, but they are kinda cheating arent they so im not even gonna bother comparing. my hw was 170, it was my sw for the worst stint of my restriction. i got all the way to 129, then started antidepressants among other changes and was stuck in the 130s and scared of gaining more for a while, then actually got a little bit happy and gained up to the 150s where ive stayed ever since. i never got to loving my body, i honestly still had a super long way to go with recovering. but it was something. im 151 this morning, i really really really want to keep going. if i can end the summer and start the next semester at 140...

so yeah. ill see you guys later. this made me feel better.

i hope everyone else is having a safe summer.

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hypoetics · 3 years

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So i had this crazy synchronicity yesterday.

I was in a moment of clarity, thinking about future endeavors i have coming up

My body and mind are telling me to get away from this place, somethings not right, and its a threat to my sanity

...i am not long for this world

And so ill find another one

Even if i have to make it myself

I was thinking about the bridges i had burned in the past and how all of that turned out.

Its funny how it actually feels like a burn trying to rekindle these relationships

All the way to through...

Nothing would catch even if they tried

I caught an uber to a doctors appointment

Had to rummage through my friends house to find a face covering since i didnt have a mask

Came out with a shirt wrapped around my face lol

But when i got in the car, trying to put my headphones on at a respectfully fast pace(i didnt wanna be fuck off fast with it, thats rude, and besides, i dont mind the conversation. Id just rather not) i ask if the mask mattered with the vaccine and it being so ping since the pandemic and all(really just tryng to get this stupid thing off my face) and he goes on to talk about being a healing empath, and how that stuff doesnt really matter to me.

Which is where i immediatly though, "oh here comes to bullshit"

But my ears perk up because empaths have been something ive been passively researching, like ive been trying to express with this blog, im not crazy atleast not as crazy as i think, and something weird is definatly going on with me.

But he goes on to ask me whether or not i can feel peoples auras or read a room.

And im just like," HOLY SHIT, IVE BEEN FEELING WAYS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS FOR LIKE EVER!!"

And ive had a friend tell me that im just going through a spiritual awakening like they were fucking growing pains or some shit, but this was at the height of one of my freak outs so i just sidetracked it to try and get out of my head.

But thats what he started talking about, told me about a couple crystals i should check out

And rock, gems, crystals, have always been an interest to me since i was a kid.

Ive even caught myself transfixed before, even though theyre literally just beautiful when it comes down to it

I even have a collection ive stashed somewhere of gems that ive received from friends over the years

Call it a rock collection i guess

But OH MY GOD

I might be one those rock people on the internet!!

Ive always been skeptical of it because ive never met anyone that really knew what they were talking about...or really why they were doing these things aside from what theyve heard.

But i need to do some research...

Maybe throw some rocks at people

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