#it's almost funny really how even in the most self indulgent unrealistic fantasies i can't imagine a version of him that
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Ok it's really really bad tonight
I feel so sick it's hard to breathe
#just gotta. medicate. distract myself with some unrealistic romantic fantasies. sleep.#not do anythin stupid like texting him can't give him an opening when i'm already weakened#at least he can't read the system feelings without either fronting or bein around me so he probably won't know to contact me now#cause god knows i wouldn't have the will to say no. even though i know it's gonna be really bad if (when) i go back to him#he's gonna be so fucking angry n i'm gonna be in more trouble than i have ever bee#been*#what did i even do? said some things i probably shouldn't have i guess but. i could've said much worse n it would've still been true#it's almost funny really how even in the most self indulgent unrealistic fantasies i can't imagine a version of him that#cares if i wanna do somethin or not. that doesn't use coercion or manipulation or just plain force to get what he wants anyway#maybe i was stupid to think he could ever be any different.#but i know if he ever tells me he's gonna try i'm gonna be givin him another chance anyway. n another n another it never ends#not unless he gets tired of playin with me like that anyway#i don't understand why he hasn't contacted me already. it never took this long before. though i guess he's still mad at me#waitin for me to give in n apologize#i'm tryin really really hard to not do that#doll#spdrvent
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