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subtlereferencetomyinterests · 3 years

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I Taste Honey but I Haven’t Seen the Hive - Chapter Seven

Ao3, Masterpost, C.1 C.2 C.3 C.4 C.5 C.6

Relationships: eventual queer-platonic intruality, platonic dlampr.

okay. so. last time we heard anything out of me was *New Years*, Literally, and maybe i should’ve mentioned that I was taking a little hiatus, but oh well. i’m back now and i’m gonna post the last three chapters of this fanfiction as soon as I possibly can (so probably like all of them will be up by tmrw at the latest!!) to make up for my absence. but jokes on you, cuz I did actually finish this thing!!! >:P

(oh yeah, and there are no italics, thanks to tumblr’s copy/paste bulls//t. i continue to be lazy :3 if anything sounds stilted just imagine that theres an italicized word there and yeah.)

Warnings: cursing, sexual innuendo, discussions of sexuality, misunderstandings, Emotional Conversations, sharing a bed, mild body horror (remus’ existence lol), stress, h/c.

Word count: 7,967

The hallway was cold, and dark. It had been long-since abandoned of any life, with every door shut and each light dimmed- even Virgil’s. That day- the day of the meeting- had exhausted everyone enough to send them right to sleep mode.

Everyone except Remus and Patton.

Their heart-to-heart in the kitchen had dragged on a little longer than either had expected, letting night descend fully over the Mindpalace. Patton was the one to notice the time eventually, and drag his less-than-restful friend up the stairs with him- he could tell that the other was dead tired, though. His stubborn determination not to end the conversation didn’t sit well, but Patton couldn’t think what to make of it, and they really did need some sleep.

They reached Patton’s door first. He stopped in front of it, when Remus tugged his hand back insistently. He turned to him, letting out a confused hum, and was met with a scowl and a sigh.

Remus was looking even more resigned than he had when they first started talking that night. Patton waited, worried.

“This isn’t, um,” Remus exhaled, ragged around the edges. “This isn’t a pick-up line, okay, and I know that it’ll sound that way and I know that it’s me but. I really don’t wanna be alone tonight.”

Oh.

Patton’s heart ached- and his heart was big, it took up most of him. He felt the pain spread out from his center and into his fingertips and toes, hot and empathetic. Because how could he hear something like that, and not want to spend the rest of the night doting on the creature in front of him until that voice never sounded so small again, till he was as big and confident as he was meant to be?

“I don’t think I want to be alone, either,” Patton said.

Remus stared, his big scarlet eyes casting a faint glow in the dark. They were wide, cautiously hopeful.

“Yeah?” He muttered.

“Yeah.”

Patton opened the door, and led them both inside.

Remus shuffled around on the other side of the bed, but Patton was still, however much he wanted to squirm.

“Um.”

The movement stopped, and he flushed at the feeling of being watched in the dark. There really was no un-awkward way to say it, was there?

“Remus, since you’re staying, do you- um, do you mind doing me a favor?”

Remus, little more than a silhouette, propped himself up on his elbow, a tilt to his head. “A favor? Of course, anything for you, Pat,” his words were a purr, and Patton could envision the suggestive smirk on his face in perfect clarity. Patton felt another well of discomfort bubble in his stomach.

“Could you at least wear some clothes, please?”

There was a beat. Remus laughed, short and good-natured.

“Yeah, I sorta figured I would. It’s no problem.”

“Thank you,” Patton sighed, relieved.

“Don’t worry about it,” he paused, and that really would’ve been the end of it, but Patton had learned by then when Remus was about to make a joke. He took a little breath while the words were still clicking together in his head, and a grin crept into his voice. “There’s always tomorrow night to try this clothesless, eh?”

“I’m asexual,” Patton blurted, and he could feel the heat radiating from his face, though he didn’t even know why he was so uncomfortable. It was a joke, Remus was just joking. They were friends and Patton should’ve been used to it- but he’d already gotten so sensitive that night, and jokes like that always hit just a little different than the violent ones or the curses. It must have been a breaking point, or something.

Remus shifted again, laying on his back. Patton wondered if he’d made things awkward.

“Oh,” Remus said, “Oh wow, that makes so much sense!”

“It- It does?” Patton sat up, staring at the other with a mix of surprise and relief. Remus blinked up at him, nodding.

“Well, yeah, that explains why you get so squirmy whenever anybody even implies something to do with sex. I always thought you were just, like, a prude.”

Patton ran his hands over the comforter that pooled around his legs, shrugging. He wasn’t nervous, so much as he was fidgety. “Well, maybe it was some of that, too,” he joked.

Remus snorted, rolling onto his side and catching one of Patton’s hands in his own. He held it, playing with Patton’s fingers like he was trying to focus.

“Hey,” he sighed, heavy, “Sorry.”

“Huh? What for?”

“C’mon, you know,” Remus gestured around with his free hand, “All the jokes, and all the times I hit on you, like, graphically. I was kidding, obviously, it was just that you always had the best reactions. If I’d known why, I mean. I don’t know if I’d have actually stopped, but whatever. Different time, different me. I’m stopping now, kay?”

Patton’s eyes went wide. He hadn’t- He wasn’t trying to make Remus stop, that wasn’t fair. He knew how important staying true to himself was to Remus, and if he’d actually managed to guilt-trip any of that away, he didn’t think he’d forgive himself.

“Oh, it’s really okay, I mean- I know you like talking about stuff like that, who am I to say you shouldn’t?”

“You never said that, actually.”

Patton nodded, even if Remus couldn’t see him, and even if he was pretty sure they were on different pages. “Exactly. You shouldn’t go changing just to make me comfortable, I’ll get used to the jokes! I guess I just wanted to know that they were, which, obviously yeah, but… um, I’m bad with knowing what tone is which, sometimes, so-”

“Ugh, Patton,” Remus was laughing, leaning up and grasping tighter around Patton’s hand, with a tone that said plainly: please shut up. Patton did, biting the inside of his cheek. “Look,” Remus huffed, “I know what you’re trying to say, and it’s real sweet that you’re so worried about this, but it’s not exactly like I’m telling you that I’m reinventing myself. I’ll definitely keep saying plenty of horny shit, trust me, I can just drop it with the comments about ya. It wouldn’t even be funny anymore; fucking with people is cool, right, but making someone I actually like feel ‘icky’, or whatever, isn’t really the same thing. It’s no big sacrifice trying to make you feel safer with me, got it?”

Remus’ eyes were on his, glowing with concern. Patton felt his face flush for an entirely new reason, nothing to do with embarrassment.

“You want to make me feel safe?” Patton grinned, just this side of giddy. “That’s a new one.”

Remus made a vague grumbly sound; it shouldn’t have been as cute as it was. “Yeah, okay, so what if I do?”

“It’s okay if you do. It’s sweet.”

“Maybe it is. Besides, you aren’t the only aspec side around,” he shrugged, “I’m not too big on the dating side of things, myself.”

Patton’s smile widened. “Thank you. I mean, for understanding, and… getting me out of my own head about all this.”

“I gotcha,” a claw traced over Patton’s knuckles, idly, “No need for thanks.”

“I’ll give it anyway, you know that.”

Remus snorted. “Mhmmm.”

With the remains of embarrassment finally fading away, Patton yawned, and remembered just how tired he was. He laid himself down finally, relaxing as his back hit the mattress. No sooner after he’d done so, Remus was letting go of his hand in favor of curling around him and setting his head on Patton’s chest.

Patton would be lying if he said it wasn’t a relief, feeling the other unhesitant to curl up against him still. He looped his own arms around the smaller figure, practically on top of him, and traced patterns against Remus’ back.

In hindsight, Patton couldn’t remember ever falling asleep so easily.

The morning after, there was a crisis. A Thomas-crisis, and an emotional one, which set Patton up for a busy, busy day (or morning-through-afternoon, but it was well more than enough work for one day). The one upside to the whole mess was that he didn’t have to deal with it alone, because emotional distress fell neatly into Virgil’s area of expertise as well as his own.

At some point, you’d think they’d get numb to the endless dilemmas every other day, but with each new outing it got clearer and clearer that panic was just a part of life. Most weeks had at least one incident; there would be a mistake at the post office that needed to be worked out in person (which Patton didn’t mind, really, but Virgil hated, and Roman thought was a waste of time), there was an event for a friend of a friend that for some reason they were socially obligated to go to (which no one liked but Roman, who always thought they were one person away from being ‘discovered’), or- the present situation- there were pre-established plans that all the sides had somehow forgotten about until they were shoved into it at the last second.

Patton jolted awake with a gasp, the urgency of his human throwing him out of sleep. It was a full two hours later than he usually woke up, something he would’ve loved to appreciate on any other day. His bed was already empty- the warmth of another person still there, the covers still scrunched, but empty- which did serve to make his morning routine quicker. He dressed with a fervor that he couldn’t even place, manic exhaustion already soaking into him and making plans to stay there all day. It was going to be a rough one, being around people.

But, Patton knew it wouldn’t be hard to ignore all that, for a little bit at least. There was still a bright side, and that side was Virgil! Who he got to spend all day with! Working, sure, but still- work done with a loved one is never work at all.

“Yeah, I don’t know if that rings true, Pat,” was Virgil’s response to the sentiment, when Patton told him.

“You’re smiling,” Patton said, because he was.

“What?” Virgil covered his mouth, “No, I’m not- shut up.”

“You believe me, I know you do. You looove me.”

“Says you,” his mouth may have been covered, but the crows feet under his eyes creased more. His shoulders were just a little less tense, too, enough to tell Patton he was right.

That morning wasn’t great, but, they made it better.

Remus had woken up in a lot of places that were decisively not his bed. The floor? Sure. The imagination? Oh, absolutely. Underneath furniture, on top of furniture, and on counters- anywhere lie-down-able, been there and done that. Just for the fun of it, really, and a nice shock to whoever found him curled up in the sink or beneath cabinets. He was used to a crick in the neck or a splotch of red, rough carpet print on the side of the face.

So he didn’t really know why, waking up in someone else’s bed, he jolted out of it so quick, he looked like he’d been electrocuted. Or why, after scrambling out of Patton’s arms with whatever carefulness he could manage, he bolted from the scene entirely.

Remus began the slow process of piecing it together after he all but slammed the door behind him, trembling and cursing his way down the hall. He dragged away from Patton’s room and let his back hit the wall, sliding to the floor with a kind of hysteria he could only describe as itchy-vomity-terrifying-amazing.

He did itch at his skin, he was feeling a bit sick, a bit scared, but he thought he might’ve been grinning anyway, so the description fit well enough. Except, nothing was fitting actually well, right then.

The closeness. The attention. The fact that he’d spent eight hours of sleep getting a full dosage of both those things. The fact that it had been more of both of them than he could remember getting, ever. Of course he’d scrambled away- how else could he react!?

Remus didn’t get overwhelmed. Except, apparently he did! What another fun surprise!

A door creaked open down the hall (thank God not Patton’s). Remus felt the eyes on him, and looked up- manically, he looked well and truly manic.

Logan blinked at him. He looked a lot like an owl in the mornings, Remus noted. One of those smart ones, obviously, not one of the ones that fucks around counting licks on a lollipop.

Logan cleared his throat.

“Remus? Is everything alright?”

Remus shrugged, grinning. “Maybe! Who knows, though, right? It’s a lot, you know?”

Logan did not know, and said as much. Remus only laughed, letting his head hit back against the wall in the process.

He still felt warm, inside and out, after all that cuddling. It was weird, good-weird, but still so new. And, like he said, a lot. He’d felt that kind of warmth before, but definitely not as much- and he knew he needed to distract himself before he went crazy. Or, before his rattrap of a brain ruined the maybe-possibly good feelings for him.

“Hey, any chance you’re busy today?”

Logan hovered in his doorway for a minute before ultimately deciding to step out, probably determining the interaction as a prolonged one. He didn’t look too put-off about it, though.

“A very high chance,” he said, “But for now I am not. Is there something you need?”

“A distraction.”

“Ah.”

“So, you up for it?” Remus pulled himself up from the floor, popping a few joints. “At least for the morning, yeah, Geek?”

“Of course,” he smirked, “Provided you can call me by actual name at least once in this conversation.”

Remus grinned, probably coming off more relieved than he intended. “Eh, we’ll see about that one, Dweeb.”

Logan met him halfway down the hall, not looking at all surprised by the response. He looked, if anything, amused. Remus found himself remembering very abruptly that the two of them got along, were probably friends, and somehow that fact was still novel to him. Or maybe it was the mood. Probably both.

“Well, it was worth a try,” Logan reasoned.

“Oh, sure.”

“What were you thinking we should do, anyway?”

Remus raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“I’m afraid that’s off the table,” Logan told him.

“Aw, fine. Surprise me, then.”

“That will be hard.”

Remus laughed, unsteady and shrill.

“C’mon, I know you’ve got it in ya.”

Logan smiled, just-nearly-almost mischievous. “Well. I’ll see what I can do.”

And for just a second, some of the panic slipped away, leaving behind that strange warmth.

Patton didn’t exactly let Janus know he was coming by. It had been a long day- or, a long five hour period between ten in the morning and three in the afternoon, but still, the idea that there was any day left at all made Patton want to melt into the nearest soft object and never get up.

When Patton needed to melt, he went to Janus’. Maybe it was the big armchairs; maybe it was the comforting, gooey little white-lies that soaked the atmosphere of his room; maybe it was the fact that his voice was so very easy to fall asleep to. Most likely, at least part of it was because he always seemed to enjoy taking care of people, anyway.

It was a nice combination, and exactly what was needed. Patton could apologize for not knocking later, ideally when he wasn’t falling asleep where he stood.

“Janusss,” he groaned, by way of greeting, and promptly collapsed onto the nearest soft surface while the door swung shut behind him.

Janus blinked at him from across the room, surprise lasting for approximately three seconds. He turned around, and sighed.

“Well, hello to you, too.”

Patton hummed, drearily.

“You look cheery,” Janus quipped, “Anything you’d like to talk about?”

The question was spoken lightly, but not insincere. Patton lifted his head enough to smile tiredly at the snake. He shrugged, for the room was working it's magic already, as was the easy company to be found there. Stress was easing away, in small bits, evaporating into warm shimmers under his skin. He had no doubt that Janus was doing some of it on purpose, as soon as he’d noticed the mood Patton was in, giving him a blanket of speckled reassurances (which were, as Janus insisted to him time and time again, just a tiny, harmless breed of pleasant lies) in an almost-literal way.

Most things about the sides’ rooms were like that. Almost-literal; concepts that crept their way into the physical world, if only slightly. Janus was the best at those kinds of things, though.

“’S just been a tiring day, y’know?”

Janus sat beside him, toying with some spare yellow strings, weaving and unweaving them almost carelessly. “I do.”

“A tiring night, too,” Patton added, an afterthought, but he found as he said so that it was true. Long in a good way. An impactful way. It felt like something important had happened, something that changed, but he didn't quite know what. It was still just as draining, though.

Janus raised an eyebrow, but he did not pry (even if he most likely wanted to).“So, you’ve come here.”

“Do you mind if I just rest in here for a bit?” He said, as he’d already gotten quite comfortable.

“Why don’t I do you one better?”

Patton hummed confusedly, but Janus had already begun urging him to sit up. The snake waved a hand, filling the room with light, swirling piano music. At once the air seemed to grow fuzzy, spicks and specks of what looked like golden glitter floating around- not unlike from the distortion Patton’s own room gave him when he was happy. Janus smiled down at him, summoning a neat little tea set on a tray and fixing them each a cup of the swirling, caramel-colored liquid.

Patton sighed happily, taking the teacup he was proffered and thanking the lord for whatever he’d done to deserve a friend like Janus.

Janus sat beside him, balancing the tea tray on an end table, and let their shoulders bump. He wasn’t a touchy person, exactly, but he allowed for a conservative amount of casual intimacy. Occasionally, and in an unspoken way, but still.

The atmosphere had exactly the intended effect. Patton felt paradisiacal.

“Gosh, what would any of us do without you?”

Janus hummed. “You’d most certainly perish.”

Patton laughed, his chest lighter already.

Remus felt good for about ten seconds after leaving Logan’s room and letting the guy get to work, fresh off the good morning he’d had. Then, very promptly, the weight that the remaining hours of daylight carried dropped onto his shoulders, and he would’ve been perfectly willing to claw his brain out to get a moment of reprieve from the whole barrage of irrational terror worming around in it.

Remus didn’t know why it was so bad that day (well- he had a guess, but thinking about it obviously made it suck worse, so). What he did know was that he needed someone to keep fucking distracting him, and that someone could under no circumstances be Patton.

Luckily, avoiding him wasn’t hard- he was still busy, and Remus had a feeling he’d need a rest once Thomas’ crisis was over, anyway- but that didn’t do much to solve the other half of Remus’ problem.

He needed something big, loud, and most importantly, not solo. He needed someone that could take up a whole room just as easily as himself, with endless energy to bounce back and forth, back and forth, until neither of them would ever worry about anything other than the moment and whatever it was they would do together…

Oh, god fucking dammit.

Remus sunk out to the Imagination. No, not his. The opposite half.

He rose up into more than a blank canvas, but less than a finished work; a vibrant world with gaps and white spots. He might’ve taken the time to look around, but- unsurprisingly- his brother was in front of him, accosting him, immediately. Seriously, it was like he’d teleported.

“What are you doing here?” Roman snapped, his hands, still splattered with ink, landing on his hips.

“Aw, so now I’m not even allowed to visit my own flesh and blood, and other various parts?”

Roman scrunched his nose up. “No, you aren’t allowed. This is my room!”

Remus- as he always did when someone said he couldn’t do something- cackled.

“I’m serious!” Roman whined, “I’m busy!”

Now, he said that, but Remus knew from personal experience that if Roman wanted him gone, he could’ve forced him out without too much issue- or worse yet, attacked him outright. He didn’t seem to be about to spring, though, not looking any worse than annoyed, so Remus happily decided that this interaction fell into the normal-and-healthy-sibling-bickering category instead of the unfortunately familiar would-genuinely-commit-fratricide-if-possible category.

He grinned. “Yeah, and I’m bored!”

“Not my problem, and you’re still in my room.”

“What, worried I’ll gunk up all your magic ponies and Yellow Brick Roads, or whatever it is you like to play with around here?”

“Yes, I am!” Roman scowled, but it looked a lot like he was straining his jaw not to laugh. “And you know I don’t make those, you fiend, I made a unicorn once and that was only because Logan wanted one.”

“You’re shitting me if you say that you weren’t the kid who always wanted a pony, Ro.”

“Well, how’s a pony any better than a thestral, which I seem to remember someone getting all excited about when we first read the-books-that-shall-not-be-named?”

“Ooh! Good idea, we should abso-fucking-lutely make those!” Remus wandered past his brother, looking around at the half-finished scene that he’d walked in on. It was sunny, pleasant- all around very vanilla, but there was at least a sense of adventure thrumming under it that gave the place a kick. With some work, it could actually be, like, fun! “Ever see somebody die? Don’t worry, I can help with that.”

Roman turned to him, looking hilariously incredulous with what was happening.

“Um? Excuse me? This is my domain,” he blinked, and a smug smirk crossed his lips. “Which means that you don’t have the power to make anything here! So, ha!”

Oh, right. That made a lot of sense, actually. How had he forgotten that? It wasn’t like this was the first time he’d tried to make something with his brother, right?

…Wow. That had no business hurting as much as it did.

“Uh- Remus?”

His head snapped up, a smile with too-many teeth already strained across his face. Remus’ head was scattered enough, coming here wasn’t supposed to make it worse.

“Sure, okay- there’s gotta be some way for us to build stuff together!”

Roman stared appraisingly at his sibling, apparently thinking before he argued for the one and only time in his life. He tilted his head in confusion, perhaps worry.

“I- well-” Roman glanced at what he’d been making, and down at his hands. “I’m sure I could, perhaps, let you have power here. Just this once.” He huffed. “It’s my room, right? So there’s no reason why I couldn’t do that, if I wanted.”

“Do you?”

“Ugh.” Roman rolled his eyes, perfunctorily. “Fine. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I’d rather you be your normal weird-self than… whatever this is,” Roman stuck his hand out, his chin raised like it was a challenge. “Good?”

Remus grabbed his hand (and did not buzzer him, or slime him, even though it would have been so easy- because they were having A Moment and even he could appreciate the sanctity of something like that).

“Yeah,” he said. “We’re good.”

Roman, as it turned out, was able to tolerate Remus for a whopping six hours, right up until five p.m., and only shooed him away in order to finish the project that he’d more-or-less happily dropped when Remus stopped by. So Roman wasn’t the worst brother in the world, Remus acknowledged. He then resolved to never, under any circumstances, say that to Roman’s face.

The door to the Imagination shut with a click. The sound matched almost perfectly with another, sharper one down the hall, what Remus recognized as Janus’ door closing. He glanced up with a grin, wondering if he could maybe get Snakey to distract him for a while- only to lock eyes with precisely what he needed distracting from.

Patton smiled at him. He looked tired, relaxed, and raised a hand in some semblance of a wave. It would probably be a great opportunity to unwind together, talk stuff out, and definitely curl into each other on the couch.

Remus wasn’t going to take that opportunity, though.

Remus stared back at Patton for all of three seconds, the grin sliding off his face, before barging through the nearest door and slamming it behind himself.

Shit. Fuck. What the hell did he do that for? It was just Patton, Remus knew Patton; there was no reason to be jittery enough to bolt from him twice. There was no way Patton wouldn’t think he was mad- which he wasn’t, even if he barely understood why he was losing it, he knew it wasn’t anger. But Patton wouldn’t know that, and he’d cry, probably, and Remus wasn’t sure if he was good enough at comforting people to fix it after. Christ, maybe he couldn’t fix it, maybe he’d still be too keyed up to talk to Pat, even if he started bawling!

“Hey? What the fuck?”

Remus spun around, and yeah, he could’ve guessed whose room he ended up in without the gravelly voice to give it away, given that little spiral. A surprised-looking Virgil stared up at him, sitting cross-legged on a spiderweb bedspread.

Remus ignored the thin layer of anxiety still rolling under his skin (now that he could place it), and shrugged, sliding until he sat on the floor.

“Oh, hi,” he said.

“Yeah, hi to you too, but my question still stands:” Virgil clapped his hands together, “What. The fuck?”

Remus considered a few possible snarky responses, but found that most of them were pretty pathetic. Besides, evading vulnerable situations was more of Janus’ thing, and Remus didn’t want to steal his bit.

“I’m hiding like a little bitch, so don’t kick me out, or I’ll maul you.”

Virgil’s eyebrows went up, but the surprise in his face was being replaced, slowly, by confused resignation. “Okay, cool. Why here, and why me?”

“First door.”

“Yeah, that’s about my luck,” he blew his bangs out of his face, “So like, you’re not gonna go anywhere else?”

Remus thought about it, but it was an easy choice. If he was gonna whine to anybody about something like this, he decided, it’d probably be Virgil. Virgil was good with fear, he was good with Patton, and he was good at making fun of shit if a conversation got too serious.

“Nah. Sorry, Emo Boy, but I’ve already annoyed Logan and my dipshit brother today. Looks like it’s your turn!”

“What about Janus?”

“Eh, he’s a live-in therapist for the rest of you already. I think I’ll give him the day off.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, sighing with all the exasperation of a teenage burnout and not a thirty-year-old metaphysical humanoid.

“Okay, okay- and why’s Patton off the table? He, like, actually enjoys helping people,” Virgil glanced down, scuffing the carpet with the side of his foot. “He’s good at it, too.”

“Yeahhhh,” Remus locked his teeth together, inhaled through them, “About that.”

“What, aren’t you two all close now?” Virgil frowned, “I fuckin’ saw you guys at the meeting yesterday, you were so on top of each other, I feel like I forgot that you were two separate sides,” to anybody who didn’t know him, the way he talked about it would sound harsh. Remus, however, knew exactly how soft Virgil really was- the fucking poser- and that that shit? That was pure encouragement, raw as a bloody, bloody steak.

Which, of course, only made Remus wince again.

He flopped sideways onto the floor, groaning. “Yeah, we’re close. That’s- I think that might be the problem?” That sounded right, almost, but just wrong enough to feel icky and annoying. “Ugh, I don’t know. So I just ran!”

There was a beat.

“Wait a second,” Virgil’s voice was tight- oh that bitch, he was laughing! “You’re hiding from Patton?”

Remus huffed. Okay, so maybe it was a little funny, he could appreciate that- but! He was still upset about it!!

“I mean, what has he done to scare you off?” Virgil pressed, “Too many compliments? Did he hug you too hard? I know the dude can be a lot sometimes, but-”

“Okay, ok-ay,” Remus couldn’t help it, he managed a laugh at it, too. “It’s ridiculous! It’s fucking ridiculous and he’s not even the problem!”

“Then what is the problem?” Virgil was snickering, “And don’t say that it’s you, dude. At least one of us around here has to not hate himself to hell and back, and you’ve defended that title for too long to lose it,” he cleared his throat right after he said it, sitting up straighter and trying to look like he hadn’t just been laughing like a huge dork. “Not that I’m, like, worried about you or anything.”

“Aw, you so are,” Remus stared up at the ceiling, grinning despite the ache in his chest. “But no, it’s not that. He thinks I’m awesome and he’s right, so don’t worry.”

Virgil leaned over him, staring upside-down at Remus. He squinted.

“Hey, this a serious problem?”

“I guess so. You can joke about it, though.”

“Cool. Um,” Virgil pulled away. Remus sat up, watching the trait cross one leg over the other, flip them, then tap his knee one-two-three-etc. times. He chewed on his lip. The whole nine yards of a classic Focused-Virgil Face. “Okay. You can tell me about it, seriously. I’ll try to help, or whatever.”

Remus blinked at him.

“Don’t- Jesus- don’t make a big deal out of it, dude-”

“Oh, I am.”

“I don’t even have a choice, okay, you’re the one who-”

“You’re so sweet, Virgey!”

“Remus, I swear to God, repeat that to anyone and I…”

Virgil trailed off. Remus pouted at him, dramatically, his eyes practically glowing with mischief. “C’mon, aren’t you going to threaten me?”

“I was, and then I remembered that you’re like, actually into that kinda stuff, so. No. Nope, I’m good.”

“Fine,” he shrugged, “Looks like you’re resigned to just hearing about my feelings, instead!”

Virgil rolled his eyes again- of course he did- but there was no hiding the way he went quiet, patient, you could even call it attentive.

It was an offering, one that Remus didn’t hesitate to take.

Patton left Janus’ room in a good mood.

He was in a considerably less good mood when, as soon as he’d left, Remus saw him and scrambled away like Patton was about to attack him where he stood- wide-eyed with fear and everything.

Patton swayed in the hallway for seconds after, uncertain about a lot of things suddenly.

The room Remus had run into had definitely been Virgil’s, not his own, and for a moment Patton entertained the idea of just going up to knock. He dropped that thought quick, realizing that if he really wasn’t wanted, then he definitely didn’t want to confirm that he wasn’t wanted.

He might have gone back to Janus- Janus was smart, Janus knew how to explain things and solve problems and comfort people- but that was scrapped, too. He’d taken up plenty of the snake’s time already, firstly, and secondly… No, yeah, Patton already knew just who he needed to see for something like this.

Logan set aside his laptop as soon as Patton walked into the common room, a surprisingly perceptive gesture for someone who claimed to be bad with feelings. Or maybe Patton had just gotten rusty at hiding them.

“Hi,” he greeted, wobbly.

“Hello,” Logan said, “You look upset.”

Patton stared at the wall just above his friend’s head, and nodded.

“Can I help?”

He paused. It was a bad habit- one of many!- but feeling unwanted by one side made him wonder if, maybe, he was unwanted by everyone. The thought formed a lump in his throat and had guilt pooling in his gut, but this was Logan. His best friend, the person he had gone to because he always knew just where he stood with him. If Logan didn’t want to help- no, because he always wanted to- if he couldn’t handle helping, then he would tell Patton that. He always did.

“I think Remus is upset with me,” Patton blurted it out quickly, just so he didn’t have to hear them. Logan vanished his laptop at once, gesturing to the spot beside him on the sofa. Patton sat with him, smiling feebly.

“Has he said anything of the sort?”

“No,” Patton picked at the sleeve of his sweater, “He didn’t really have to. He kind of… ran away from me?”

Logan’s eyes widened behind his frames, almost imperceptibly. “I see.”

“I don’t even know what I did,” Patton flushed with the admission, because of just how true it was. He had no idea what he did, and still he felt blame settling over him like a well worn blanket, and all that he could do was hope it wasn’t as bad as the last time. “I feel like I should know this stuff by now, shouldn’t I?”

There was a pause, as Logan processed the words carefully, seemed to turn them over in his head.

“Be careful not to jump to conclusions, Patton. He typically freely expresses how he is feeling at any given time, so even if his actions seem to say otherwise, it’s entirely possible that he’s not upset with you,” Logan smiled reassuringly. “I find that most of his actions are meaningless. He’s a very weird creature.”

Patton managed to laugh at that. Logan leaned their shoulders together, a little pride flashing in his eyes, as he continued. “He did seem to be ‘out of it’, in a manner of speaking, when we spoke earlier today. It would make sense if that had worsened over the past few hours, and now he’s just particularly flighty. All in all, I wouldn’t read too much into it, if I were you.”

Patton nodded, resolutely not mentioning that they’d spent the night together, however relevant that was. He knew it would sound paranoid to imply that their intimacy had backfired, or come too quick- because Patton was paranoid, and certainly a little neurotic, and the less he voiced it the better.

Instead, he followed the advice he didn’t believe, and let himself rest against his friend. Logan had laced their fingers together; it wasn’t as comforting as it usually was.

Logan was only so touchy when it was for the sake of others, and almost always that ‘other’ was Patton. A fact that made the needy trait feel amazingly special most of the time, but on nights like that… More than anything, he felt greedy.

“I’ll ask him about it,” Patton promised, because he knew that was what Logan would suggest (even if the idea made him more than a little dreadfilled). “Maybe I overwhelmed him. He’s been cuddly, so I thought…” Patton shook his head, bile hitting the back of his throat as the realization collapsed upon him. “That’s probably it. I must have took it too far.”

Logan didn’t pry, but Patton could feel his concern mount just as well as he could see the frown on his face.

“Talking to him will be the best course of action,” he said plainly. “For the time being, though,” he released Patton’s hand, wrapping his arm loosely around Patton’s waist and leaving it there. “It might be beneficial for you to receive more reassurance. Is this alright?”

“Yes,” Patton ducked his head, knowing full well how obviously relieved he sounded, “Thank you.”

“There’s no need to thank me, I’m happy to help,” Logan told him, and he had no doubt that it was true. Still, it always surprised him anyway- and that at least was a good thing about a friend who was so reserved. The pleasant surprises.

Patton sat up enough to rest his head on top of Logan’s, a position that was almost but not quite cuddling.

“I sincerely hope,” Logan muttered, “That everything will be alright for you.”

Whether he was speaking only about the Remus situation or not was unclear.

“Me too.”

“If it’s any consolation, it’s very difficult to stay upset with you, if he truly is so. In my experience, at least.”

Patton sighed. “Thanks, buddy.”

“Of course. Your happiness is-... you, are very important to me, and I can only hope that you’ve made a friend that values you as much as I do.”

Patton knew what he meant by it. Both he and Logan were acutely aware of how different they were, and how little they matched with each other. Patton couldn’t understand him- not wanting to be showered in love, enjoying silence and a little bit of alone time, needing space. He knew that Logan didn’t get him, either- didn’t know why he cried all the time, or why nothing ever seemed to fix him for good, or why he said so many things that went without saying. They still struggled with each other’s languages, sometimes, but they’d gotten miles and miles better with it over the years. Sometimes Patton thought that the only way they’d become so close was sheer willpower, pushing past each misunderstanding and argument just because they liked the challenge of it. Determination was always a common thread between them, whatever differences they had.

They had to have boundaries, then. Logan might not hold Patton on his worst days, but he’d give him notes and gifts and bring him water, food, things that he neglected for himself. Patton didn’t have any of the right words to talk Logan down when things got bad, but he was always there to cheer him back up when he was ready again. Neither of them understood each other, and maybe they never would, but they cared. Even if they couldn’t be what the other needed, they cared, and that was all they had to do.

So even if Logan couldn’t fix things, Patton thought, he still did a hell of a good job patching them up.

“Hey. Hey!”

Patton turned around with a jolt, his fingers going tight in the blanket about his shoulders. How long he’d been downstairs, he didn’t know- but he knew that he was really, very tired, and now was left blinking and confused at the person accosting him with so much energy.

“Um, hi,” Patton tried.

Remus had run up to him at once, and was just as suddenly seizing both of his hands. Patton might have taken a moment to appreciate the touch, but with just one sentence that positivity crumbled:

“I need to talk to you.”

Patton shoved a plastic smile onto his face. He always felt a little icky to be faking it, but with Remus, the shame was especially thick. Still, it was only instinct.

“Okay.”

Patton opened the door; the Duke marched in without waiting for invitation, and he followed.

Dread dripped down his spine like melting ice cubes. This is fine, Patton told himself firmly, once they were both sitting feet apart on the bed. He refused to think too hard about what the distance meant- if it meant anything at all, or if he was only being ridiculous.

“Sorry about today,” Remus began, “Really. I was freaking out for the stupidest fucking reason. You’ll laugh when I tell you!”

Patton didn’t laugh, but he smiled a little more wholly. If Remus was upset with him, the apology must’ve meant at least some of that had faded away. Probably.

“It’s okay, Mess,” the nickname rolled off his tongue easily. Remus grinned at him, but it was somehow more manic than usual.

“I probably got you all worried over nothing, bolting on you before you could wake up- and then again earlier, right?”

There was a pause, as Patton tried to decide if the question was rhetoric or not. When the silence stretched on uncomfortably, he found himself nodding.

Remus huffed out a breath, rocking back and staring up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I- I’m still working at the whole self-improvement thing, ya know? That probably doesn’t make it better, but- I’ve never really had a reason to try and be, uh, considerate. Janus never really cared if I was a bitch, and nobody else ever mattered, and that- yeah, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about.”

His voice was raspy, low and thick in a way that it almost never was. Patton tipped his head to the side, confused. Remus looked- and sounded- awkward, an expression that was not at home on his face.

“Wait, um- so it wasn’t anything I did? You’re not upset with me?”

Remus looked at him like he was crazy (ironic, that).

“Upset with you?” He crowed, “Why the fuck would I be upset with you?”

Patton flushed; he laughed embarrassedly, or maybe in relief; he toyed with the sleeves of his sweater.

“I didn’t really- I don’t know, but I was worried that I’d, um, overstepped some boundaries last night, and maybe made you uncomfortable.”

He was only kind of looking at his friend, from out the corners of his eyes. It was still easy to see the way Remus went from confused to amused, and then burst into cackles.

“You- You- Me? Morey, please, it takes a lot to make me uncomfortable- if that’s even possible, actually- and you sure as shit haven’t figured out how to pull it off yet. Sugar, I asked to stay with you!”

The relief flooded Patton all in a rush, and he felt himself finally relax. With Remus laughing and joking and being his usual (sweet, impressively sweet, surprisingly so) self again, it all started seeming a little silly. Remus must’ve seen him coming untense, folding down the same way accordion-pressed paper sprawled out when it was released from a bored student’s hand, because his gaze went warm, like something had finally clicked into place in his head. A problem solved, and what a wonderful solution it had come to- that’s what the look said.

Patton met the smile just as brightly when the Duke shifted over some of the distance between them, taking up both of Morality’s hands in his own yet again.

“Well, since it wasn’t something I did,” Patton said, “Then what was the actual problem?”

Remus didn’t look too upset at the question, but he was glancing down, up, sideways- his pupils flitted around the room without really touching on anything for too long; it wasn’t often that he was so obviously thinking something through. His fingers flexed, face a little pink, and he hesitated before answering:

“Okay, it’s like I said, right? I don’t- I’ve never needed to try to be anything for anybody before. I mean that I never wanted to do things in a conform-y way, obviously, but, I never wanted to be considerate, either,” he smirked down at their tangled hands, shrugging. “I don’t think I’m doing too bad for a first try, to be honest- but that’s not the point, the point is- this is… new.”

Patton opened his mouth, reassurances rushing to the tip of his tongue before he was hastily shushed.

“No, look, there’s a difference between being a pushover and just being fucking nice to the people you care about. That’s the problem- or I thought it was a problem, in my dipshit lizard-panic brain this morning- right? I’ve never wanted to do anything for people, because I didn’t need them anyway. I figured I didn’t, I guess, cuz I could survive without ‘em- it wasn’t like I had a choice, but I got on fine. Not to be too… I don’t know, pathetic? Who cares, but- I never knew anything different.”

Patton’s eyes went wide and watery, like the blue of his irises were soaking into everything else and leaking, leaking, leaking. He was squeezing Remus’ hands a little too tight, certainly, and he just wanted to hug him so bad- but despite his words, Remus didn’t even seem to need it. He looked back at Patton, huffed a sigh, looking just plain amused.

“So this hit me when I was talking to Virgil, about ten minutes ago,” he started, “That I woke up today, with you, and I had this thought like… Fuck, I don’t ever wanna move again. I could starve and then start to decompose and probably rot into bloody mush, but I’d probably still be perfectly happy- which is weird, because starvation is easily one of the boringest ways to die, I could go out so much cooler- but, it was more the fact that I was with you, and uh. So, so I thought that- which is so dumb and sappy- and it surprised me so bad that I just ran. And after I had, I was so freaked out, I didn’t even remember why for!”

He took a deep breath, something that he hadn’t done for that entire ramble. Patton got the sense he still wasn’t finished though, and waited patiently.

“I never needed anybody caring about me for me to be okay- the screaming and the fleeing and all that was fine, it was still a reaction. But I think I just realized that I couldn’t go back to that, now.

“Because of you. I knew I liked you, but it never clicked that things would probably suck without you by this point. More than that, I guess- it hit me that just because I can take care of myself, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t fucking blow. That I don’t- I don’t want to be so independent again, okay? That I don’t wanna be alone anymore.”

And he couldn’t help it at all; Patton did hug him, then. He pulled him against his chest as soon as he noticed the words going choppy, choked, and halting. He let go of Remus’ hands, in favor of tangling his fingers in the Duke’s hair and carding through it.

Remus met the embrace with just as much fervor, curling up into the bigger trait. Yet somehow, he wasn’t crying yet.

“Hey, hey, I’m alright,” he murmured, “I mean, don’t let go, obviously- but I’m okay. I had all day to panic! Which I definitely did, by the way, because my whole worldview got screwed over. Finally know how you feel, I guess,” He was joking, Patton could hear his smile. He laughed. “But I got it out of my system, and ya know what I realized after that?”

Patton hummed attentively, letting Remus pull back just enough to see his face.

“I said, ‘okay, I’m processing that, and it doesn’t matter.’ It doesn’t matter because I only realized that maybe I need people once I already had them, and- no offense- but you don’t really seem like the abandoning type. The opposite, that’s what you are.”

Patton beamed.

“Of course not,” he swore, pressing the words out as though intensity alone could make them more true, more pure. “Never, not ever.”

“Good,” Remus said, “Cuz I’m hanging on to ya, Pat. As long as I can.”

Chapter Eight

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob

#sanders sides #ts #intruality #my writing #qpr intruality #remus sanders #patton sanders #ts fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction

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swimmingnewsie · 4 years

Text

Of Coffee and Cookies (Chapter 10)

Hi guys!

First off, I’m glad to back from my mini hiatus! I missed you all. Second of all, I would like to mention that wi a few small details were changed in earlier scenes to represent a more accurate picture of domestic violence in the legal sense. I had help from my partner in crime and local law student @writetheniteaway to make a more accurate fic. All changes were made to produce a more streamlined story.

Thank you all! Please enjoy!

Link to AO3

---

“You’re being stubborn.”

“It runs in our family.”

“Yeah, but Elsa and I made up. You’re still dragging your feet.”

Ryder shrunk down in his seat. His sister was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it. He was still mad, how could he not be? He told his boyfriend something so close to his heart, and Kristoff just ran. He wasn’t ready to accept the man’s pleas of apology.

“He’s trying, Ry. I’m not happy he ran either, but I think it’s worth acknowledging. You two need to talk.”

Ryder stayed silent, and he heard Maren sigh as she drove onward. He didn’t exactly remember where they were going, but he had a vague feeling that there was no destination. She was pulling the same thing he had pulled on her when she had fought with Elsa.

“It’s been two weeks. How long do you plan on stringing him along like this?”

Ryder pouted. Why was his sister so persistent about this. “What does it matter?” he huffed.

“It matters because you’re both clearly miserable,” she pointed out, turning into an open field. Maren put the truck in park, moving to get out. “Come on. You need a little batting practice.”

“Batting practice? What-”

Before he could finish his question, she was out of the car, reaching into the truck bed. Maren walked to his door, carrying an old baseball bat and a ball of softballs. “You are hitting out some frustration and getting your shit together.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You haven’t been to the gym since all this happened. And I know it helps clear your head. So get your ass out there, I’ll pitch. You hit.” She shoved the bat into his hand. “I’m gonna grab my mitt while you warm up.”

Ryder sighed and gave into his sister’s wishes. “This isn’t going to work!” he shouted, running back far enough for her to give a good pitch. “Wouldn’t a boxing ring worked a lot better?”

“Shut up. We both know you hate boxing.” He laughed at his sister’s frustrations. It was nice to laugh again, he noticed. Maren wound up a pitch, throwing it hard and fast at her brother. She couldn’t help but smile herself at her brother as he missed. “You’re gonna have to do better than that, baby brother.”

“Baby brother, my ass!” He swung at the next ball, making contact that time: a pop up Maren easily caught. “How’s that, little sister?”

“Nice! Now, focus that energy!” she called, throwing the ball again. Another miss. “What are you feeling?”

“Anger!” he said swinging the bat at the open air. “Why can’t he love me as I am?”

“Who said he didn’t?” Maren tossed the ball, another strike.

“Well running away when I told him seems like a pretty good sign to me!” he shouted, hitting the ball full of anger. Good, Maren would have to run for that one.

“What would you do if it were reversed? Kristoff was aromantic and you were madly romantically in love with him? Would you be able to face it right away?”

Ryder hit another ball. “I would love him no matter what. Because that’s what people do!”

“Maybe in romance novels! But this is real life, Ry,” she said pointedly before running to collect the balls around her. “Real people take time.” Ryder grunted, gathering the balls he had missed. She was right. Again. “And you’ve both had time. What’s stopping you from talking?”

Ryder sighed, dropping the bat and softballs. He knew the reason deep down inside, but he wasn’t ready to say it. He hadn’t even noticed he had curled himself inward until Maren reached around to give him a hug. “It’s okay to be afraid. But you can’t keep doing this to yourself or him. It isn’t fair to either of you.”

He dropped to the ground, his legs unable to bear the weight anymore. “I’m sorry.”

Maren came down to his level, keeping him close. “You don’t have to be sorry. Not to me. You’re my brother. I’m here no matter what.” She ran an easy hand through his hair,soothing him like she used to when they were kids. “But you need to talk to him, for both of your sakes.”

Ryder nodded, breathing deeply. It was time to face this.

“Thank you.”

---

Kristoff had responded to his request to meet a bit too quickly. It made Ryder’s heart hurt; but he knew he was doing the right thing, even if it didn’t feel like it. They were meeting for lunch. Nothing fancy, a franchise sandwich shop, but it made a nice place for a hard conversation.

Ryder’s leg bounced nervously as he waited. Kristoff was always early, but Ryder was even earlier. He wanted to be their first, be there to greet him. Kristoff deserved that much.

“Hey there.”

A gruff voice pulled him from his thoughts. Kristoff was there in front of him. There was something inherently different, though his clothes and face looked the same.He looked tired, the way he did after working a dreaded clopen shift. Ryder sighed, feeling the guilt of putting them both through the ringer

“Hi,” was all he could manage. Before he knew it, the two of them were engulfed in a hug. Ryder inhaled the scent of coffee and immediately felt at ease. They were going to do this. And they were going to do this together.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured holding tight to Kristoff. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away when you were trying to apologize.” Stray tears fell from his eyes, guilt panging in his heart.

“I’m sorry for running away in the first place,” he said back. Kristoff lead them over to a booth, settling themselves down. “I got scared.”

Ryder nodded, taking his head off Kristoff’s chest. “I know. I- I was too.”

Kristoff grabbed on to Ryder’s hand. “Then how about we start this over?”

Ryder squeezed his hand tight. “I’d like that.” He breathed deeply before looking into his eyes. “I’ve known something was off for a while. At first I thought it was just having too high of expectations, that kisses weren’t as magical as everyone said they were.”

Kristoff sighed. “I know I’m not the best kisser, but-”

“Please, let me finish,” Ryder pleaded. Kristoff nodded understandingly. Cutting him off early was what got them in this mess in the first place. “I loved being around you. I loved being with you and holding your hand and bothering you at work. I still love doing all those things. But, there was always something in the back of my head.

“I wanted to love the kissing and cuddling as much as you did. It made you so happy, but I didn’t like it the way you did. It felt weird and wrong in a way, even though I knew it was a good thing. I knew you loved me. But I always thought there was something wrong with me. I did some research. And there were all these blogs about being aromantic. Something clicked for me, and that scared me a lot. Because I do love you, Krissy. But I don’t think it’s in the same way you love me. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you.”

Ryder sighed, giving a light squeeze to Kristoff’s hand. It was now or never. “But, I don’t think I want to date, not while I’m figuring this out. I want to take my time with this, and it’s not fair to ask you to settle for someone who can’t love you back the same way. Not when there’s someone we both know can do a lot better job than me.”

There was a long pause. A fleeting fear of Kris running again passed through his mind, but those fears were quelled as Kristoff gulped. “I want to respect- I do respect your wishes. But I want you to know I love you, and if our relationship has to change to one of those queerplatonic things then I’m willing to. Don’t give up on us just yet. Please.”

Ryder shook his head. “I don’t want to do that, Kris. Not now. Maybe in the future some day. But I really want to focus on being comfortable with myself for now.”

Guilt panged in his chest as he watched Kristoff bite his lip. “Okay.”

Ryder squeezed his hand. “I know it isn’t what you wanted to hear. But it’s something that I need to do.”

Kristoff nodded, squeezing back. “I understand. I know- I know you said you don’t want to be together. But is there any way we could stay friends?”

Ryder smiled, wiping a stray tear from Kristoff’s eye.

“I’d really like that.”

Kristoff kissed his hand gently. He held it close to his face for a second, getting one last comfort from his lover. Ryder felt peace wash over himself. They would be okay. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day they would.

---

“How is Kristoff taking it?” Maren asked as sipped on her hot tea.

She, Elsa, and Anna were spending the afternoon together, letting the boys have their space while they had a small Galentine’s Day together. It was Elsa’s idea, a way of keeping Anna distracted from the inevitable holiday and the email she would be getting tomorrow. Maren was happy to join in and spend the day drinking tea and watching Star Wars with them.

“He’s okay. Not great, but I think that’s to be expected in the situation,” Anna said, stroking Olaf as he laid in her lap. “He’s still going to work.”

“Well, that’s better than his last breakup,” Elsa commented, refilling her coffee cup.

“He didn’t go to work?” Maren asked, eyebrows raised.

Elsa shook her head, taking a small sip. “It was that girl he had been with for years. The one he bought a ring for.” It made Elsa sigh. She truly had broken him. He almost lost everything because of that woman’s malicious actions.

But this time was different. Ryder didn’t mean harm. The two could still be seen getting coffee together or playing basketball with their friends. Ryder didn’t leave him cold. And while Kristoff was hurt, he had a support network this time. Anna had been with him almost everyday since the breakup. Whether she was checking on him on his day off or working even more diligently in the cafe, she didn’t let him slip through the cracks. Anna hadn’t said much about what she was doing, but Elsa was glad she was doing it.

“Then he’s doing pretty good, I’d say,” Maren said. “Do you guys want to start this marathon? It’s getting near two. We could easily watch all three of the original trilogy by nine if we start now.”

Elsa smiled. “I still think we should start with the prequels, but as you wish, my love.” She stood and pressed a kiss into her girlfriend’s forehead.

Maren laughed. “Galentine’s Day is about loving yourself and friends, snowflake. Not putting yourself through hell.”

“They aren’t that bad,” Elsa pouted, looking towards her sister. “Right, Anna?”

But Anna didn’t respond. Her eyes were spaced out, her face pale as she looked at her phone. “Anna? Love? Are you okay?” Her breathing sped up as tears fell down her face. Elsa grabbed her hand, trying to ground her trembling sister.

“They set a date,” she breathed out. “For the hearing.”

Elsa’s eyes widened, and she reached to hold her sister tight. They weren’t supposed to tell her until tomorrow. They were supposed to be able to prepare. They were supposed to have their good day today and face tomorrow, well tomorrow.

But apparently that wasn’t what the world had in store for them today.

“When?” Elsa asked, softly.

“March 28th.”

Six weeks. They had six weeks to prepare. Six weeks to endure. Six weeks to survive.

Elsa held back her own tears and focused on her little sister. “It’s gonna be okay. I promise,” she said, her voice watery.

Maren put a soft hand on Anna’s back. “We aren’t gonna let anything happen to you. Not if me or Ryder or Kris or Elsa have anything to say about it.”

Anna gulped, holding tight to her sister and squeezing Maren’s hand. “Will you go with me? Both of you?”

Elsa ran a hand through her sister’s hair. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple.

Maren squeezed her hand back. “I think I can work something out for that.” She brushed a stray hair out of Anna’s face. “But in the meantime, why don’t we escape for a bit? Watch Luke Skywalker kick some butt, and feel a little bit better about the world?”

Anna nodded, untangling herself from Elsa and Maren.

“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

She was so grateful not to be alone, not today. Her family was there, and they wouldn’t let her slip through the cracks. Worrying over plane tickets and hearings and vacation time could wait. She was going to spend time with her sister and friend, give into their comforts. And as the opening fanfare played, Anna could feel the semblance of peace.

#frozen #frozen fanfic #frohana #rydoff #elsamaren #my fic #we're making progress

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megamanxfanfics · 4 years

Text

The Hiatus

I’ve been dreading the idea of writing this, but the fact that I am at all means that I’m coming out of my funk and am looking onward towards moving ahead, and hopefully forward, once again with this project in the future. I’m afraid I’ve got a lot of explaining to do. Wouldn’t you know it? Life got in the way again.

It seems that every new Writing Season, something always happens to me to shift things around and make it near-impossible towards writing Mega Man X. I’ve been mulling over how to talk about all of this without getting too personal on an MMX blog. But the fact is that what happened to me is very personal. And very complicated. So I’m gonna just go for it, while keeping it in simplest terms.

I broke up with my girlfriend last month. Which means I had to move out...

I can say that with dry eyes now, and without a heavy heart. It was a smooth break. Very mutual. We both knew it needed to happen, because we weren’t happy at all. (Always doing our own thing, making separate plans... etc. etc. etc.)

But back to this.

I recall back in November I had posted a Writing Exercise - What X Remembers, in an attempt to kick-start my motivation for this project. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I can tell you right now that I wasn’t exactly busy. I was burnt out.

Yes, I’ve been wanting and wanting to start this thing, but in the planning phases, I’ve also been afraid of it. Because I don’t want to mess this up. Or it’s too confusing, or disjointed. And I know how I get. I harp and harp on things until it’s perfect, or feels good enough to present. And... frankly, I was in a position where things were so bad at home, that I just wanted to spend time with her to keep everyone happy.

I would also take advantage of ‘Me-Time Monday’ as I used to call it when she’d be out doing her own thing. Except my creative outlet for those days would be working on music, which is my first passion. I’ve taken on a massive project of adding vocals to a lot of old music I had written, and even now I’m maybe half-way through that. And there were definitely certain Mondays that I wasn’t even in the mood for music... I certainly wasn’t in the mood for X.

I was depressed... She was depressed... But why?

Well... this blog, isn’t exactly about that. But what I can tell you is that we were just going through this mundane routine every day. Even our weekends became routine. And neither of us were fun to be around any more. Even upon realizing it and trying to do different things. ‘Go out on a date, Dummy!’ That’s what I would tell myself. But even nice events didn’t work. She’d complain about being tired, or full or we wouldn’t talk at all. That... was the extent of our interactions. Outside of that, we’d just watch our shows, which would entertain us, and make us laugh. We’d hold hands and stuff, sometimes. But even then... it didn’t really feel romantic. As one friend put it best, “It sounds like a friendship...”

And we both realized that last month.

So you could say that from November-February, I had slowly been working at getting my motivation toward this project back up. Despite my daily toils, I was driven to bring myself to do the things that make me happy. I had even reread most of the Writing Diaries, all the way up to Season V again, which took me down a nice bit of Nostalgia Road. Reading about the Process of this Project is just as fun as reading the actual episodes for me. It’s the Journey, not the Destination, after all.

But like I said, then February happened and we just imploded. Everything immediately broke down. My living space, my comfort zone.. where I was going to be!! I didn’t know what to do.

In week 1 I took out the time to hang out with all of my closest friends. I told everyone who needed to know first.

In week 2, I started seriously looking for places. And that was equally exciting as it was exhausting. However, I did find one thing that wouldn’t be ready for the next 2 months! And that also freaked me out. Now I had a pseudo-time table on my hands, but it was a little too long.

In week 3, I cracked. We absolutely got into a fight in our shared space. Things were so smooth as friends and roommates. We had still shared our King Size Bed, and kept it completely civil, since nothing romantic was happening in the bedroom anyway... But, at some point, some Social Media Drama occurred and I actually started acting like an Ex. It was becoming very clear to me that living together any longer was going to destroy my Mental Health. So I made the choice to get out of there, sooner than anticipated. That Friday, I put a bag together and stayed at my parent’s house.

The original plan was to ride this out as long as possible and move into the 2nd Bedroom while I start to leisurely pack, as I keep looking for places. But instead, all this drama accelerated my schedule and forced me out of that house. That weekend, I came back to grab the rest of my clothes and relocate my TV back to my Parent’s house... Which takes me to week 4.

In week 4, I focused on helping my brother with an After-school play. I changed my work hours for him and everything, but on top of that, I had an unexpected interview which could’ve changed everything!!! You see, I’ve been looking for better jobs at the same time as looking for new places. And that’s what made this so stressful. That’s even partially what caused all this drama, because one night I tried complaining about it to her, and she didn’t really seem to care much. We were acting like exes to each other, and I really couldn’t handle it. So once we got into a fight, that was the wake up call. We’re not together anymore. We can’t do this any more! Literally. It was time to get out of there and move on. Well, the job interview wasn’t in the cards... but it’s for the best, because it would’ve made this new place that I’ve been hoping for, not make sense any more. That weekend, I got together all of my books/movies/games/comics, electronics, pictures, etc. etc. while she had put together boxes of the kitchenware I get to take. By Sunday Night, basically all of my stuff was out of there. I couldn’t believe it. It was very therapeutic and bittersweet.

This takes us to Week 5 - last week. The commotion has slowed down to an abrupt halt. I’ve been very tired. Technically I have all the time in the world for MMX now, but I’m just not there yet. And I probably won’t be for another month. And I say that now, because I’m literally in between places. All of my stuff is in boxes at my Parent’s house, but this other place that I saw is in the process of coming through. Their time table accelerated a little bit. I got news yesterday that the place has been painted, and that new carpets will be installed on 3/23. As I am basically move-in ready, but also really want this to be the place, I worked with my new Landlord and asked him if I can start to leave boxes this weekend.

And that’s what I did today. Today I left the first installation of boxes into that house’s basement. It will be the new location I call my home, and the best part about it is that it’s only 5 minutes from Work. That’s HUGE. [But that too is temporary, as I still need a better job.]. One day at a time though, right?

This is primarily the reason why I’m writing today. I feel that the brunt of this Transition Period has reached it’s Apex, and from here, it’s gonna be pretty smooth sailing into the next place, as I become acquainted with my New Normal of 2020.

I’m also writing, because admittedly, I have been thinking about MMX6 again, and rather than catch up with the rest of the diaries, I just read the last one. Where I actually regressed into plot points again and still couldn’t answer certain questions, like what those stupid teleport portals are. I mean, how much of an explanation do I really need? It’s Mega Science!

I’ll be honest. I could start tomorrow, and I’d probably feel pretty good about it, until I hit my first slump. Which will most likely be the Central Museum stage. And then I won’t want to do anything.

No, my heart’s just not in it yet. I don’t want to start MMX6 on my laptop. I want to be fully set up and Comfortable in my New Place when I start Season VI properly. The silver lining is that I have all the time in the world for this and my music, now. And I’ll have to feel out that situation too, because I desperately want to do both. And that’s part of the conflict too. Both projects literally interfere with each other, because I only have enough time and energy for one or the other on any given night.

Keep in mind, once I have my own place, everything’s on me. That’s cooking, dishes, laundry and of course self-care, right? So that involves the necessary shower, and of course entertaining yourself. And that means yes, actually pulling myself away from my hobbies that I tend to wrap myself in so much.

I’m not blaming this project for losing my girl, or my music. Hell, I’m not even blaming myself. We just weren’t a good fit for each other, but we sure tried to be. For 5 Years! There was a lot of good in those 5 years too. But she changed a lot. Me too. But her, more... In a less fun way. Very easy for me to say, of course.

These things happen. People change. And we truly made the healthiest choice to end it when we did. It was really just a logical conversation about what isn’t working, and both of us literally agreeing that this doesn’t make sense any more. My friend last night put it best. “I think your relationship just ran its course. You both saw it through to a complete end, and it was really good that you chose to end it when you did, because neither of you were happy any more...”

And there it is. I suppose I’m ending this on that note. One day I’ll be ready for MMX6 again. But today is not that day. And instead, I’ll be playing the MMZ/ZX Legacy Collection in the meantime. =P. And no. Don’t get any ideas. I have NO intention of writing an MMZ Anime.

#The Hiatus #Season VI Diaries #writing woes #inspiration failure #burn out #life

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nessnessquik · 5 years

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The Nanny - Chapter 5

It's been almost a year since I've posted. Wow. Let's just say that this hiatus has been brutal, especially for us Philinda fans, and it hasn't been easy to write fluff, even for me! But since it seems like AU is all we can cling to in this depressing time, here's a new chapter to one of my favorite fics I've written. My plans for this fic always make me happy, even when canon is hurting us beyond belief. I really hope you enjoy this and are able to feel a little bit of happiness from reading it!

THANK YOU to my unfailing beta, Liz. I love you so much, girl. And thank you to all of you SO SO MUCH for all of your absolutely wonderful comments you've already left on this fic!!

This chapter is dedicated to my favorite Mama Bear, Melinda May, and the person who no doubt is a huge reason why I love Phil Coulson so much, Julie Coulson. Happy Mother's Day to these mothers, and to all you wonderful mothers as well!

Also on AO3.

“What are you drawing, Mr. Phil?” Daisy peeked over his shoulder curiously.

“Hang on, you’ll know in one...second...there.” Phil looked at her and grinned proudly. “It’s been a while since I’ve tried to draw it, but I think I did pretty well!”

It was late, the setting sun spilled golden light into the playroom as they sat together in comfortable silence. Daisy had been restless and missing her mom more acutely today, so Phil suggested she try and make a drawing for her before they got ready for dinner. She agreed and immediately pulled out her art supplies. Phil had been working on a list of needs for a cupcake order for a bit before he decided he may as well try his hand with the markers as well.

Daisy’s head tilted to the side as she examined his drawing. “You made a plate with a star?”

Phil’s mouth dropped open, offended. “That’s Captain America’s shield. The best superhero mankind has ever known! Are you telling me you’ve never seen Captain America?”

Daisy shook her head and giggled at Phil’s obvious shock.

“Well,” Phil finally said, “we’re gonna need to fix that for sure. Hmph!” He stood up and stretched. “I’m going to go see if our lasagna is ready yet. Do you want to come or stay and finish your drawing?”

“I wanna stay. I have to finish this for Mommy.” Daisy answered, her concentration already back on her artwork.

“Okay,” Phil smiled softly at her before he stood and made his way to the kitchen. It had only been a few weeks since he’d started watching Daisy, but he already felt a strong attachment to her. He hated to see her sad and would do just about anything to make her smile. Children are the easiest people to love, his mother always said.

Since he was thinking about it...Phil pulled out his cell phone from his pocket and hit “Mom” from his speed dial. It rang as he opened the oven.

“Phil, honey, aren’t you still supposed to be working?”

Phil smiled at his mother’s worried voice. “I am, Daisy’s just in the other room while I check on the lasagna I made.”

“Oh, is that what you've called for? I’ve told you if you want to make it less soupy you need to -”

“Undercook the noodles, I know, Mom. Thanks.” He took out the pan and set it on the counter, checking it on all sides.

“And don’t forget to-”

“Let it stand for a while, I remember.”

Phil heard her huff slightly. “Well...I suppose you did learn from the best.”

He laughed in amusement. “I know I did.”

As Phil decided he was satisfied with the lasagna, he explained to his mom about his discussion with Daisy.

“You still have my Captain America comics and videos, right?”

“As if you’d ever let me throw those old things away,” Julie responded affectionately. “Should I mail them to you?”

“That would be great. Thanks, Mom. You know I’d love to come see you, but between working at the shop and watching Daisy…” Phil leaned against the kitchen counter and sighed.

“You’re exhausted.” She finished for him. “Please make sure you rest, Phil. I can tell you're happy with what you’re doing, but don’t let it kill you. Or I’ll have to march over there and and force you to rest myself.”

Phil laughed and felt some of the weariness lift off his shoulders. His mother always had a gift for that.

“Oh yes, and how is, ah, Dr. May doing these days?” Phil rolled his eyes at her obviously teasing question and was about to sass back when he heard a noise from behind him.

“Mr. Phil?”

He turned and smiled at Daisy in the doorway, looking at him curiously. “Who’re you talking to?”

“I’m talking to my mom. Would you like to say ‘hi’?”

Daisy looked hesitant, but she nodded and moved closer to him.

“Mom, I’m going to put you on speaker, Daisy wanted to say ‘hello.’”

“Oh, Daisy! I’ve heard so much about you!” Julie’s voice came through the phone, her excitement causing the little girl to smile shyly.

“Hi, Mr. Phil’s mom.” Daisy said cautiously.

"Aren’t you just the most precious. Phil tells me you like playing soccer, is that true?”

“Uh huh.” Daisy looked at Phil, who smiled reassuringly.

“Tell me, who usually wins when you two play together?”

A grin crept up on Daisy’s face at the question, “Me! I get goals on Mr. Phil all the time.” She leaned closer to the phone and said in a stage whisper, “He’s not very good.”

“That's what I thought.”

“Hey!” Phil protested while Julie and Daisy giggled together. He huffed in mock offense. “Okay, time to say goodbye, we have dinner to get ready for.”

“Goodbye, Daisy, it was so nice to speak with you.”

“Bye!”

Phil held the phone back up to his ear. “Bye, Mom. Talk to you soon.”

“Talk to you soon, dear. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Phil hung up and faced Daisy once more. “So, you think I’m a bad soccer player, huh?”

Daisy nodded, her eyes sparkling with confidence.

“Well, then. I call a rematch tomorrow after school.”

“You’re on!” Daisy responded with her hands on her hips.

“All right, now let’s set this table for dinner.”

Melinda stepped into the house and hung up her keys that night, sniffing the air.

Italian? She thought.

It had become somewhat of a game to her, guessing what amazing meal Coulson had cooked up for that night. In her own realistic (or pessimistic, as Maria and Pepper would say) mind, she’d told herself not to get used to Coulson’s cooking, as surely he would get tired of trying to impress them and the delicious dinners would become more and more infrequent, but it had been weeks now and he was just as hard working. And obliging. And so good with Daisy. And-

Melinda cut herself off from that train of thought.

“Right on time.” Coulson’s smile was ready and waiting for her as she stepped into the kitchen, along with a plate full of lasagna and vegetables in his hand.

“Mama!” Daisy’s excited greeting was the only warning she had before her daughter slammed into her arms.

“Hello to you too, Daisy.” Melinda lifted Daisy and kissed her cheek, relishing the feel of her two little arms hugging her neck. She sighed and felt herself relax. This was all the therapy she needed after a long day.

“I missed you, Mama.” Daisy said, her voice wobbling.

“I missed you too, xiǎo huā .” Melinda held her tighter and ran a comforting hand through her daughter's long hair. She waited until Daisy's grip on her loosened before asking, “Did you have another good day at school?”

Daisy nodded and finally slid out of her mother’s embrace to return to her food sitting on their breakfast table. “I finished all my work and Mrs. Weaver gave me time on the computer today!” Melinda smiled briefly as her daughter picked up a half-eaten piece of bread from her plate.

“Daisy, I told you earlier that you can’t just fill up on the garlic toast. Eat some of those vegetables too.” Coulson spoke to the girl firmly as he set the other plate down on the table. Melinda was pleased, although she kept her face unreadable, that Coulson was encouraging healthy habits. Too many babysitters took the easy way out and let children eat whatever they wanted while they watched them. Melinda liked knowing she wasn’t the only “bad guy” when it came to eating better.

The little girl pouted Melinda’s way, as if asking for her to overrule what Coulson said. She merely raised an eyebrow back in response. Daisy sighed, but set the bread down and took her fork to the cooked food.

“We had a great day too, by the way,” Coulson motioned for Melinda to take a seat at the table, which she did without protest, eagerly anticipating the tasty-looking meal. “But there is one issue I have to bring up.”

Melinda paused and looked up at him. He wiped his hands on a towel before throwing it back over his shoulder, his tone and facial expressions serious. She turned her body toward him and nodded to show she was listening.

Coulson folded his arms and leaned back on the kitchen counter. “How does your daughter not know who Captain America is?”

Melinda blinked. “...Excuse me?” She let out a short, confused laugh. “You mean, that one superhero from those comics?”

“He’s not just one of those superheroes, he's Captain America! And there's more than comics, he has his own action figures, trading cards, TV show...how could you let this poor girl grow up without knowing one of the greatest men in history? It's a huge oversight, Dr. May.” Coulson’s indignant speech amused Melinda to no end. She had sensed some nerdiness in him since their first meeting, now she knew where it stemmed from...superheroes, evidently.

“In fictional history, you mean.” Melinda couldn’t stop herself from teasing him, just a little.

He opened his mouth to retort, but Daisy piped up from her chair excitedly. “Mr. Phil says Captain America has a shield! And he uses it to protect himself from bullets, and he can hit bad guys on the head with it!” Melinda smiled at her enthusiasm. “His mommy is going to send some movies and comic books to us so we can read them!”

“With your permission first, of course.” Coulson interjected quickly, looking slightly embarrassed at the mention of his mother.

Melinda thought about it for a moment. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d watched or cared about a superhero franchise, but she had a few fond memories from her younger days of Peggy telling her about the different comics and shows, and she had actually enjoyed reading about the secret agents who worked alongside the powered characters. Melinda couldn’t remember any negatives about Captain America off the top of her head, and at this point, she knew and trusted Coulson enough to have good judgement about what to show her daughter.

“Please, Mommy?” Daisy’s big brown eyes begged her to say yes, and Melinda couldn’t stop a laugh from escaping as Coulson crouched behind Daisy’s chair and raised his eyebrows, mimicking her sad puppy dog look.

“Please?” He echoed.

Melinda held up her hand in surrender. “Fine.”

Daisy squealed and high-fived Coulson, whose blue eyes then beamed her way.

Melinda shook her head to fight a smile and broke their eye contact in favor of looking at her plate. “Can I eat my dinner now?”

“Of course!” Coulson stood back up and moved to check on the oven. “I have a fresh batch of garlic bread that will be done in just a few minutes.”

“Enough time for you to eat some too then,” Melinda stated. Her tone didn’t allow for protest. “Sit and eat.”

Coulson had begun resisting less and less when it came to eating with them, Melinda was pleased to note. She didn’t think it was fair for him to prepare the whole meal and not enjoy it along with them.

“Yes, ma’am.” Coulson served a plate and set it down on the other side of Daisy, across from Melinda.

“So, what's so great about Captain America?” Melinda asked as she took a bite of lasagna.

And thus opened the floodgates.

If she didn't already know how talkative Coulson could be, she sure knew now, she mused to herself.

Somehow, the stream of conversation didn't bother her as much as it usually would with other people. Melinda sat and listened to his passionate views (in between interjections from her 4-year-old), saw the enthusiastic way his hands gestured and his eyes lit up even brighter than before, and found herself weighing in and becoming engaged in a conversation about supernatural powers, responsibility, morals, character, history, right and wrong, and more. They were so engrossed in their debate that Phil nearly burned the garlic bread before she reminded him. Their conversation continued long after Daisy had lost interest and went to play by herself, and went on as they finished their food and cleaned the kitchen together.

“Oh wow.” Coulson winced as he finished hanging the kitchen towel in its place on the stove, and catching a glimpse at the clock in the process. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you so long talking about, well-”

“Your obsession.” Melinda cut him off with a smirk as she slid the container of extra lasagna into the fridge.

Coulson grimaced and rubbed the back of his neck. Melinda noticed his face looked more pink than it had a minute ago. “Yeah...not my most selling characteristic, I've been told. I usually start losing people after the first sentence.” He laughed self-consciously.

“It's fine, Coulson. If I didn't think it was interesting, I would've made it clear.” Melinda leaned back on the counter, chuckling internally at his embarrassment. Just to reassure him, she added, “I didn't mind. And I'm a good listener.”

“Yeah, you are. And a great debater.” Coulson grinned at her.

Melinda cleared her throat to stop herself from smiling back too long. “Plus, I should know what kind of values they depict Captain America having anyway, since Daisy will be watching and reading about him.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” Coulson nodded seriously. “I know how impressionable children are at this age and I wouldn't show her anything that could potentially be a bad influence on her.”

“I believe you.” Melinda answered simply.

They stood there for another moment before Coulson excused himself to go say goodnight to Daisy.

As he walked away, Melinda mulled over the decision she'd been trying to make for a week now—whether or not she trusted Coulson to take care of Daisy more full time, which would include watching her at the house during Melinda's night shift.

It was a big step for her—allowing someone else to be in charge of her daughter's safety throughout the night—but she had a gut feeling about him. That he would be good for Daisy, and by extension, good for her as well. And her instincts were almost always right. Plus, she didn't want to depend on Peggy's good graces forever. Melinda knew her friend loved Daisy like another daughter, but she didn't need to have her sleeping at her house at least once a week, every week. No, as hard as it was for her, Melinda knew it was time to take a leap of faith with Phi– Coulson , she corrected herself firmly–and see if this arrangement would work out or not.

Decision made, Melinda joined Coulson and walked out the front door to speak with him.

“I have something to ask you.” She hesitated, but then continued when he turned toward her. “It’s been close to a month since you've started watching Daisy and she's clearly taken with you. I don't think she was even this happy with Hannah watching her. And I have been happy with your service as well.”

Coulson half-smiled and looked down humbly. “Thank you. She's an incredible kid, and she makes it easy.” He looked up at her, blue eyes sincere. “You've raised her extremely well.”

Melinda's lips quirked up. “Thank you. I was wondering...what would you think about staying the night here? That is,” Melinda hurriedly finished as Coulson's eyes widened a fraction. “For Daisy, I mean, to watch her during my overnight shift tomorrow?” Who's the awkward conversationalist now? Melinda thought grimly to herself. “And instead of babysitter, I'd officially hire you as her nanny, which of course would come with a pay increase. I know you have your other job too, but...”

Thankfully, Coulson was already nodding with the close-lipped smile that somehow still managed to make his eyes crinkle at the corners. “Absolutely. I'd be honored.”

“Great.” Melinda smiled back in relief. “Would you be able to come tomorrow around 2:30 and we can discuss more details?”

“Deal.” Coulson held out his hand to shake.

She took it. “Deal.”

“Goodnight, Dr. May.” Coulson sent her one last grin before he walked away.

“Bye, Mr. Phil!” Daisy ran up behind Melinda to wave one last time. He waved back and disappeared into his car.

Melinda shut the door with a slight smile and then turned and spoke in Mandarin. “Time for bed, Daisy.” She said seriously.

“First come see the picture I made for you!” Daisy pulled on Melinda's hand until they reached her bedroom. “Mr. Phil only helped me with the words a little bit! Here's you and me and our house, and I'm giving you a flower, and this says ‘I love you.’ Mr. Phil said he didn’t know how to help me write it in Mandarin though.”

“Ohh, little flower, this is beautiful.” Melinda felt a slight sting of tears at Daisy's shy, but proud smile and the stick figures on the page. Melinda took Daisy into her lap and wrapped her arms around her, soaking up this sweet moment with her baby. All the secret thoughts and doubts that plagued her every day about what a terrible mother she was became insignificant here, snuggled with the most important person in the world to her.

Melinda looked at the picture again. “Who is this right here?” She pointed to another figure on the page that had several circles drawn next to it.

“That's Mr. Phil. He's making us cookies to eat.”

Melinda laughed and pressed several kisses onto Daisy's smiling cheeks. “Of course he is. How about we put this on our fridge and then get ready for storytime?”

Daisy nodded obligingly (even though Melinda knew it wouldn't be that easy to put her to bed, it never was with her and her active little body. But at least she would be less likely to lose her mind about it tonight thanks to this precious moment), and they held hands all the way to the kitchen.

#philinda #philinda fanfiction #philindaisy #phil coulson #melinda may #Daisy Johnson #my fanfiction #mine #nanny au #slow burn #I know slowburns are hard to wait on #but i'm hoping this will be worth it!#all i can think about is how sad I am at canon philinda rn #hopefully this is like a little bandaid on our pain

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remus-lupin-is-my-type · 5 years

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Where the hell have I been?

Greetings everyone! I’m finally sitting down to write the post I’ve been avoiding for a while lol so buckle up lads cuz here we gO.

What it basically boils down to is this: I have been both extremely busy and extremely emotionally fragile over the past little while.

It all started with my computer camera troubles (which still isn’t fixed btw LOL), and it really went downhill from there. Cosplay is a huge positive mental health outlet for me, and when I couldn’t really do it anymore, it took its toll. I felt so bad about not doing things and being as active in the hp rp community as I was, that I basically avoided it altogether (to put it in perspective, I’m even super far behind on TT’s blog *audience gasp*).

But it wasn’t just that. I am essentially working three part-time jobs right now. I am a receptionist at a retirement home, a receptionist/sterilizing assistant at a dental office, and I freelance edit. I now have only one day off a week, and the adjustment has been rough. I haven’t had the time or energy for much of anything tbh.

This led to a big ol’ backslide in the mental health department. Like. Pretty bad my dudes. I was constantly miserable, spinning my wheels being like “oh is this adulthood? Working shitty jobs and being sad but making money?” and I still struggle even now. But I’ve found coping mechanisms like investing in wireless earbuds so that I can keep one in at work and listen to podcasts and things to distract myself from negative thoughts. Also, I’ve been in therapy for a few months and that’s really been helping too. She’s the bomb.

Then, just when things started to look up, I suddenly hit a wall about my weight and had several breakdowns about that. (Like seriously guys I’ve had at least four mental breakdowns since last I was properly on here lmao). I struggled with that for a few weeks, and I’m still struggling now. Constantly wondering if I’m doing the right thing/making the right choices, but it’s going well now. I’ve hit my wall, and now I’m evening out emotionally and I feel more hopeful about the whole thing.

I’m gonna try to stop making excuses. I bought an attachment for a tripod (which I’m actually gonna use with my mic stand) to hold my phone so I can film again. I tried it out today and it’s actually gonna be AWESOME because I can do so many more angles and things than before!! I still probably won’t be coming online soon as I feel it might be too annoying with the phone set-up, but tomorrow I’ve promised myself that I’m going to start filming one of the threads I’ve written during my hiatus.

SO. If you got this far, thank you so much for caring and for all your continued support and just for being the loveliest of communities. I will hopefully be seeing you soon! In fact, I’ll guarantee it!!! Hold me to it my dudes ;)

Love you all so very, very much <3

Nicki xo

#gonna film a cute lil wolfstar thread about depression lol yeet #that's the mood xD #and hopefully another thread soon featuring sexually frustrated James lmao #get hype!!#hp rp community #personal #tw: depression #tw: weight issues

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katbot · 5 years

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Jessie’s Girl

This week’s Thirsty Thursday is a back-to-back feature after a two month hiatus. It consists of two men with the same name and polar opposite experiences.

“I can't work out tomorrow— or the rest of the week. I’ve got back to back dates."

I’m at impromptu gym sesh with my friend Dom before we head to our weekly pub meetup.

“Okay no problem? Switch machines?"

"Yeah. But wait-- get this…” I pause for dramatic effect

“Both guys— are named Jesse.”  

“You’re kidding.”

  “Nope... and I gotta admit...” I slide onto the seat and adjust the machine for my short legs.

  “What?”  

“My mum’s name is Jessie.”

xxx

It’s Wednesday, and I’m making my way to Hell’s Kitchen.

Tonight is Jesse 2— the self-proclaimed Miller lite alcoholic.  I’m judging slightly but let’s be honest, I’ll take any kind of alcoholic.   

It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I did a two-month stint with K, which was more awkward than fun.

  It ended amicably. Sometimes someone falls asleep during a screening of THE HOLY MOUNTAIN, and you just know not they're not the one.

 Also, fuck the outdoors. 

I’m meeting J2 at On the Rocks, an intimate bourbon bar with great lighting. 

He arrives a minute after me, in fact I’m pretty sure he was right behind me on the sidewalk.

 He’s cute— very nerd chic. But extremely nervous.  

He orders an IPA, I get a Hendricks double. 

He’s so shy. We’re twenty minutes in and he can barely look me in the eye.

I feel like a zoo keeper, prodding for conversation.  

Where are you from? 

Colorado. 

How long have you been here? 

Two years.

What do you do?

 Film.

J2 finally seems to relax around his third beer, he's going on about the difference between hardcore and punk music  .

It’s a scene I’ve dipped my foot into, but never really cared for. It’s a relief that he’s finally passionate about a topic.

He pays the entire tab when I’m in the bathroom

I’m aching to end my dry spell, so I’m contemplating fucking him when he suddenly suggest going to another bar.

This time I pick a semi fratty pub around the corner. We grab a booth with a Ms.PacMan arcade table.

I’m entering tipsy when J2 is basically drunk.  

He refuses to believe that I’ve never been shy or insecure.

I’m rolling my eyes when he tries to “catch me in a lie.”  

J2: My worst fear is public speaking. What’s yours?  

TV: Fire.  

J2: No way. I don’t believe that

What’s up will all these insecure guys? 

TV: Okay. Fire and my parents dying soon.

  He’s trying to argue with me when I cut him off.

“Listen I get the whole anxiety thing but not everyone is built like that. I acknowledge and recognize you. But personally, I just don’t get it.”  

He seems to accept it after two more minutes of back and forth.

Finally.  

We tumble into video games and he seems to relax again.  

Mid-Chrono Trigger spiel, he asks “Would you like to go home with me?”

  “Yeah sure. Why not. Are you good for it though?”   I’m referring to his pint of water sitting next to my Brooklyn Lager.

“Yeah! I promise!”

The train ride is unbearable and when he asks if I’m a PDA person I wonder if I made a mistake. It’s nice that he asked but so very Post #Metoo.  .

  His apartment is old but cute. His room is a bit bizarre. It’s looks as if he’s just moved in, but he’s been in New York for 2 years.

He’s making out with me like a teenager boy, and when he frantically starts taking of hiss clothes I ask, “When was the last time you had sex?”

He doesn’t even need to open his mouth to answer, he’s blush does it for him.

  He begins to go down on me and after 3 minutes I sternly hiss-whisper, “Will you just fuck me??”  It last about four seconds when he suddenly says he can’t

…..  Who does whisky dick hurt?  Everyone.  

He’s apologizing the whole time as I get dressed.

  “It’s not you. You’re not the prob-“   I scoff before he can finish the word.

“Yeah, of course I’m not. Listen...”  I’m slipping my boots on telling him it’s normal.

“Whiskydickhappenstoeveryone.It’s nothingtobeashamedabout.Don’tworry.”

It comes out in one entire breath like a memorized speech, I’ve entered my sex educator mode also I seriously don’t care

I’m mapping my way back home while he seems to be having a mental dick breakdown on his couch

I don't have time for this.

“Yeah... I’m just gonna... gooooooo.. sooooo” I let myself out and hit the sidewalk laughing.

  Good god. What a waste of a condom.  

Lessons learned:

Pull out my condoms on the second round to avoid waste.

Anyone that only drinks light beer probably isn’t for me

Encounter Rating: 4/10

App: Tinder

xxx

Jesse1’s opening line hits 2/5 of my check boxes.

Bumping into natives on any dating app is a mutual fresh breath of air.

An oasis in the transplant dessert.

We spit a few bars about hockey, growing up in Queens, and the scripted dates we've had with newbie New Yorkers.

"I'm so tired of having the same damn conversations about their so not unique experiences"

Good god. That hits too close to home. Lately, I've been dating so many foreigners.

It's Groundhog Day with different accents.

I decide to pull the trigger and invite him out to the first Islanders/Rangers game of the season. He picks a Rangers bar by my office, saying he'll meet me at puck drop.

***

I'm barside in front of BIGGEST tv I have ever watched hockey on. It's incredible to be able to see the puck without squinting.

The Islanders are tied with the Rangers when someone comes up behind me.

“Tessie?”

He's cute, blonde, and channeling a very lumberjack look.

It isn't until intermission that I actually get involved -- in fact I'm kind of annoyed he's doing more talking than watching.

At the end of the first period, I flag down the bartender to refill my gin. As I put my finger up, J1 cuts me off with a "Can you put that on my tab please?"

I AM SHOCKED.

Through intermission, we find out that we have a lot in common.

We’re both alumni’s of the catholic school circuit.

When he tells me he knows my school AND his sister attended both my alma maters...I absolutely lose my shit.

We swap stories about fucked up school experiences, and about each other’s school reputation.

“Do you remember when they banned skirts?”

“Yes!!!! It just made everything worse. Girls tailored their pants to show off every curve of their butt!!”

Being able to make references to old bars, obscure landmarks only relevant to natives, and deep Queens bus lines is refreshing. It’s like talking to an old neighbour.

We’re squealing and laughing straight through the last ten minutes of the third period.

Meanwhile, the Islanders have been murdering the Rangers.

“Fuck. That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“You want to go drink that off?”

***

Weather Up is busier than expected despite the snow piling up outside.

We grab a table in the back and he tries to guess what cocktail I’ll get. A challenge my friends like to play a lot. We get the same drink with different spirits.

Me gin.

Him vodka.

The conversation continues to flow naturally and when the waiter comes back and I’m laughing too hard to order— I know I’m drunk.

How did this happen?!

“Ooh! Oh gosh.” I finally get a breath out between bounds of laughter “I’m having such a great time. I would love to see you again if you’re down.”

He agrees, “I’m just talking so much. I want to hear more about Tessie next time!”

We’re smiling at each other like idiots when the waiter comes back with our check.

“I would love to see you again too...I’m going to my friend’s show on Sunday. It’s in Gowanus, would y—“

I cut him off before my brain can process all the details “YES!”

It isn’t until he ask me if I’m sure that I truly realise what I’ve agreed to. “Are you sure? That’s a long commute for you.”

The fact that he knows that and ask to confirm makes me extra sure.

“Yessss. It’ll be fun. I’d love to go.”

We fight over the bill and who will walk whom to the train. I eventually win because his walk grants us more time together.

The wind is so intense, J1 links arms with me keep me from falling over.

When we make it to his station, the warm lights from my office building paint the street like a spotlight.

“I didn’t expect that have so much fun tonight.”

“Yeah. Me too...like that was great.”

We’re staring into each other’s eyes AND I’m Still surprised when he pulls my scarf away from mouth and leans down to kiss me.

I don’t know how much time passes when I finally pull away.

I DO have to be here in less that 6 hours.

“Text me when you’re home.”

He descends down the stairs and I’m swooning.

Nobody ever ASKS ME to do THAT!

At 1am, I’m tucked into bed and shoot a I’m home text. He surprises me, texting back immediately.

Thank you! I had a great time, glad you got home safe.

It’s three am when I can finally will my giddiness away. My eyes are just about to close when the reality sets in.

Holy shit, I’m going out on a Sunday….TO GOWANUS.

Lessons Learned: N/A Encounter rating: 9.8/10 🏆 Trophies earned:

First Queens Native

First Subway Station kiss

First time a 2nd date was planned during the first.

#kdd #new york city dating #nyc dating #sex diaries #the cut

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aprincessofdaxam · 6 years

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Supervalor

(Karamel Hiatus Project fanmix #9)

"Who would have thought? A boy from Daxam and a girl from Krypton, working together.”

i. supergirl

"i embraced who i am, and i don’t want to stop."

fight song - rachel platten it's been two years, i miss my home / but there's a fire burning in my bones / still believe, yeah i still believe

believer - imagine dragons don't you tell me what you think that i can be / i'm the one at the sail, i'm the master of my sea

the human heart - once on this island the courage of a dreamer, the innocence of youth / the failures and the foolishness that lead us to the truth / the hopes that make us happy, the hopes that don't come true / and all the love there ever was, i see this all in you

hands - jewel i will not be made useless, won't be idled with despair / i'll gather myself around my faith, for light does the darkness most fear

this is me - the greatest showman another round of bullets hits my skin / well fire away, cause today, i won’t let the shame sink in

roar - katy perry now i'm floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee, i earned my stripes / i went from zero to my own hero

hero - mariah carey so when you feel like hope is gone / look inside you, and be strong

girl on fire - alicia keys everybody stands as she goes by, they can see the flame that’s in her eyes / watch her when she’s lighting up the night / nobody knows that she’s a lonely girl, and it’s a lonely world

rise up - andra day and i'll rise up, i'll rise like the day / i'll rise up, i'll rise unafraid / i'll rise up, and i'll do it a thousand times again

true north - jillette johnson i'll find true north, somewhere, somehow / when the road ends and spits me out / i'll call my friends and wipe my nose / i'll find true north and stumble home

centuries - fall out boy some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold / but you will remember me / remember me for centuries

ii. valor

"i want to help keep the world spinning. to prove that i was spared for a reason."

it's my life - bon jovi better stand tall when they're calling you out / don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

vindicated - dashboard confessional and i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well / i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

pretty the world - matt nathanson never thought i could be who i am / never thought i could see where i was

brave - zayde wolf you showed me how to love like a spark in the night, and not be afraid / you showed me how to be brave

radioactive - imagine dragons welcome to the new age, to the new age

we weren't born to follow - bon jovi walking beside the guilty and the innocent / how will you raise your hand when they call your name?

history has its eyes on you - hamilton i was younger than you are now when i was given my first command / i led my men straight into a massacre, i witnessed their deaths firsthand / i made every mistake

i'll be good - jaymes young i'll be good, i'll be good, and love the world like i should / i'll be good, i'll be good, for all the time i never could

superhero - unknown brain like you, be strong, to hold the powers of the sun / to dream, believe, in strength / now I’m the only one, only one

sympathy - goo goo dolls it's hard to lead the life you choose when all your luck's run out on you and i'm not sure where i belong / and nowhere's home and i'm all wrong

won't back down - tom petty well i know what's right / i got just one life / in a world that keeps on pushin' me around but i'll stand my ground

living on a prayer - bon jovi hold on, ready or not / you live for the fight when that's all that you got

iii. el mayarah

"i've got your back. i promise."

superheroes - the script stronger than you know, a heart of steel starts to grow / when you've been fighting for it all your life, you've been struggling to make things right / that's how a superhero learns to fly

get what you give - new radicals you're in harm's way, i'm right behind / now say you're mine

never gonna let you down - colbie callait i'm never gonna walk away, i'm always gonna have your back / and if nothing else, you can always count on that

something to believe in - newsies and if i'm gone tomorrow, what was ours still will be / i have something to believe in now that i know you believed in me

heroes - david bowie i, i will be king / and you, you will be queen / though nothing will drive them away, we can beat them, just for one day / we can be heroes, just for one day

not while i'm around - jonathan groff & lea michele no one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare / others may desert you / not to worry, whistle, i'll be there

warriors - imagine dragons here we are, don't turn away now / we are the warriors that built this town

team - lorde we live in cities you'll never see on screen / not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things / living in ruins of a palace within my dreams / and you know, we're on each other's team

time after time - cyndi lauper if you're lost, you can look, and you will find me, time after time / if you fall, i will catch you, i'll be waiting, time after time

one call away - charlie puth superman got nothin' on me / i'm only one call away

go the distance - michael bolton like a shooting star, i can go the distance / i will search the world, i can face its harms / i don't care how far, i can go the distance / 'til i find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

#otp: comets #karamelhiatus #karamel #supervalor #THIS IS MY BABY #i got carried away #el mayarah and the equivalent in daxamite is on their wedding bands #FIGHT ME

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vacationcalendar · 3 years

Text

8/26/21

Hey boyfriend, I’m back, and I only barely still have shingles, so... Hurray!!

Holy fucking shit what a time to be alive. I hate all of this. I am coming to you today having stayed up the entire night in a bold attempt to depart from this depressive state these past few days have left me in. So far so good, actually! POUNDED coffee like I’m a detective cracking a time sensitive case, but the only case in this instance is the case of why I feel like shit all the time and can’t seem to do anything ever! This mystery will remain unsolved for now, but I’ve still got a couple leads to follow up on.

Oof, BIIIIG Break from the last section to now. Just daydreaming mostly. I don’t think I’m quite right for this yet. I’m close, I think. Just not quite there. The real goal is to finish the hard reset tonight and hit tomorrow with some oomph. Come in and properly write to see what’s good. This is more of a “I’m carrying some manic energy over from last night and Idk I might as well write I’ve got like 6 hours left in this day and I’ve gotten almost all the shit I needed to do done.”

What else, what else? Housekeeping: I broke my phone :I

I pulled a grade A bonehead move two days ago. I was wondering over to a pizzeria for dinner. I was picking up a carryout order at like 6pm. I had checked the weather channel earlier that afternoon and it had said *maybe* storms from like 7-9 or something so I didn’t think anything of it. But when I went outside I noticed that it was already spitting. I worried a little bit, Like, erg, if only I had gotten it together and picked this thing up 30 minutes ago. But I didn’t really want the pizza thirty minutes ago, so sue me. But I see it’s spitting, and I had already committed to walking and I thought I’m not going to carry this pizza AND hold an umbrella, the logistics are too fraught for me in that moment. So I grab my weatherproof jacket. Perfect. Foolproof. I desperately needed a shower anyways, if I catch a little drizzle, no biggie. So I leave the house with all my shit like I usually do. Wallet, headphones. phone, keys, mask, that stuff. And about 100 steps from my house it starts to come down. Raining for real, not spitting. Oof, good thing I don’t give a shit about rain, I’ve got the jacket and a hat; get fucked rain. I actually kind of like it. Another hundred steps, it’s pouring. It’s REAL bad. Sheets. I remember distinctly thinking, “I can and maybe should bail on this pizza. I didn’t actually pay yet, these suckers allowed me to *bring in a credit card*”. But I thought, that’s not nice, they’ve definitely already made the pizza, or at the very least it’ll be ready in like 8 minutes, which is too late still. So I hung in there, but now I knew this wasn’t going to be a pretty walk. I had to bank on it lightening up by the time I was leaving with the pizza. I needed it to be one of those flashes where it rained like crazy but only for like 4 minutes then it went back to normal. It didn’t. Then part of me realized that it was actually get so rainy that my phone and headphones might actually not be safe in these conditions. Aha! Not to fear! The weatherproof jacket provides. I has a single pocket just for such an occasion. One back pocket that zips closed, right above the butt. Bingo, phone and headphone case in there. Everything else is gonna have to take a little soak unfortunately.

I make it 75% of the way there. My podcast I’m listening to cuts out. “Signal lost” says the headphones in my ear. I check my back pocket. It is still weatherproof, but I come to find that the zipper part at the top of the pocket.... is absolutely NOT. The entire pocket has filled with water, and since it’s weatherproof, the water never found its way out the bottom. It formed a miniature pool right above my ass, and the only two members were the two items that absolutely could not afford to be there. Now the headphones were completely fine. They are advertised as waterproof, not that I factored that into my orignal purchase, but hey, we’re here and I have to practice a teensy tiny bit of gratitude for that. But the phone is, well, buh-bye. As I type here it’s currently sitting in some special phone repair studio or some shit and I’ll be receiving an email within the next 16 hours telling me it’s either fixed for a modest sum of cash, or fucked and will be replaced for a slightly less modest sum of cash. Se la vie

Honestly the only thing I really want to survive this whole incident is my voice recordings I had left on that thing. Everything else I’m almost positive is internet based. Podcasts, banking, my Wendy’s points. But I don’t know about the voice recordings. It’s probably the only place I have a lot of that material saved. And if it’s gone, I’ll probably have to just admit that it’s gone for good. And that sucks. I’m not mentally prepared to do that. But who knows? Maybe that’s based on my google account or something that I didn’t even know? It seems possible. Yeah ok, I just looked it up, and it is literally “Google recorder” So it might be “cloud based.” Ugh. Either way, it’s just a little more financial pain in a time where I am just sitting around and poking myself with a financial pain swtichblade just to see if it hurts me. A morbid curiosity to see if I can break the skin with how sharp the pain of watching my bank account shrink is, while I try to find my purpose on the nasty blue marble. So far I’m like, whoah, I’m bleeding, that’s crazy; but it doesn’t actually hurt. It’s weird. I 100% have less of an idea of what the fuck any of this is supposed to be than when I started, which is.... Idk. Surely this is what I was afraid of at the start of all this? I’m not a fucking idiot. I had to know that through all the ups and downs, across all the bullshit variables (trip, getting sick), I would potentially burn the fuck out. Say what you want about work, it gets you out of bed in the morning (or eventually). But I have to remember that getting out of bed most of those days fucking sucked. The feeling of leaving the house filled me with dread. I’m sparing myself that feeling every day that I keep this hiatus. And no matter how unproductive or sad I feel on these days, I am completely unburdened with the feeling of dread. I am spared that singular burden. I don’t know what that means ultimately, but that’s a pretty meaty truth to hang my cross up on.

Ok, I’m spiralling. My hands are heavy as hell on the desk, the meat under my palms is aching from sinking into the desk in front of the keyboard. I’ve got a pretty tricky few hours left to pull off here so wish me luck. I’m going to KFC to get a chicken sandwich! :D

Sandwich and a PINCH more caffeine just because I can. I can have caffeine bitch. Today is mine. I guarantee I will see you tomorrow even if only for a moment. We are back and our journey to finding out what on fucking earth will keep us from lying awake at night wondering what the fuck am I doing here continues forever onward!

Godspeed. Love you

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fandom-imagines-stories · 7 years

Text

Are you Watching Closely? 1 The Beginning Act

Jack Wilder x Reader (Dylan’s niece)

Words: 1673

Summary: After losing your mother to cancer, your uncle Dylan was the only family you had. Since your mother had helped him plan his revenge against Thadeus, you couldn’t help but be drawn into the mess. Dylan kept his life with you separate from the FBI and from the Eye but that all changes when he asks you to take Henley’s place as a Horseman.

Note: I love Dave Franco. I love Mark Ruffalo. This is just combining those two together and I hope you guys enjoy and want to see more of this series. It will take place all through and a little after the second Now You See Me. I also wanted to have some scenes in between the major plots, like flights and other trips. What better way to come out of hiatus than with a new series?

“Show me another one!” You demanded, your eyes bright with amazement. Your uncle gave you a small smile.

“Sorry kid.” He ruffled your hair and stood up from his seat beside you. “I have to get back to work. But I’ll be back as soon as I can, okay?” You pouted.

“But what if he shows up again?” You wondered, thinking about the tall creepy man who often came to visit your mother.

“Then you give me a call and I’ll be here sooner than you can say Abracadabra, okay?” He pulled you in for a long hug. “Tell your mom I said hi. And remember-” He waved your card in front of your face. “The closer you look…”

“The less you see.” You finished, snatching the card from his fingers. A Jack of Hearts. Your favorite card. He gave you one final kiss on the forehead before walking out of the hospital waiting room. “Uncle Dylan!” You yelled before he stepped into the elevator. He turned back towards you. You held up the card in your hand and tossed it to him. When he picked it up, he received the Queen of Spades. He flashed you an impressed smirk as the elevator doors closed.

Thirteen Years Later

It was a tough crowd to please. Or at least, tough to please while still wearing clothing. The group of frat guys in front of you were practically drooling, but none of them were really impressed with your tricks.You decided to start the main event.

“For my next trick, I am going to need a volunteer....” You dangled a pair of handcuffs in your hand. “To help me put on these.” The crowd’s hands shot up, each boy shouting wildly at you to pick them. One in particular stood out. He was grinning at you like you were a piece of meat and he had a very expensive looking gold watch. Perfect. “How about you?” You pointed to him and his friends hollered and whistled as he jumped up onto your makeshift stage. “Would you kindly make sure that these are secure and tight?”

“Anything you want sweetheart.” He purred and you faked a smile. He strapped on the cuffs, sending a thumbs up to his friends in the audience. You were so going to enjoy this.

“As you can see, these are not faulty cuffs.” You tried to pull your hands apart, the chain clanking.

“Kinky!” A very drunk nineteen year old shouted. You winked in their direction, biting back your disgust as pretty-boy took a good long look at your ass. You kindly ushered him off of the small stage.

“Now if one of you would close that curtain there.” He shrugged and started pulling the curtain across the stage. “A girl’s gotta have a little privacy.” As the curtain fully closed, you made sure they weren’t peaking through before picking the locks on the cuffs and hitting the button on the remote in your pocket. You soared down into the trap door right as the boy yelled.

“That bitch took my wallet! And my watch!” He threw open the curtain but it was too late. You were gone… and about seven hundred bucks richer.

The taxi pulled up to your apartment building and you handed him the money you owed. He smiled and drove off to find someone else who needed a lift and you plucked the wallet from your jacket pocket. You pulled out the guy’s ID and rolled your eyes.

“Of course his name was Chad.” You scoffed and slipped the ID into the sewer drain. After avoiding the other occupants of the building for two flights of stairs, you reached your apartment door to find it open. Your hand tightened around the pepper spray your uncle had given you as you entered, pushing the door open cautiously. The living room was empty, but there were sounds coming from the kitchen.

The sounds stopped and footsteps started towards you. You held the pepper spray out in front of you, ready to hit whoever came around the corner. But as the figure appeared in front of you, your scream was in joyous surprise.

“Dylan!” You exclaimed, nearly tackling your uncle in a hug. He laughed and wrapped one arm around you, holding a cup coffee in the other.

“Hey kid.” He pulled away and took a sip. “I didn’t know when you’d be home, so I helped myself. I hope you don’t mind- considering I help pay for this dump.” He looked around the apartment and you punched his arm in offense.

“All she needs is a little paint, that’s all!” You pouted, pushing passed him into the kitchen to pour yourself a cup as well. “Is there any particular reason for this surprise visit, or did you just miss me?” He rolled his eyes and you grinned, taking a long sip of coffee.

“I want you to be a Horseman.” He said. You spat the drink all over the kitchen floor, shock taking over your face.

“You want me to what?”

“I think that you have a lot of potential and I think that the guys could use someone like you to help them work together.” He evaluated, but you still just stared at him, mouth gaping and eyebrows raised.

“B-but, Henley just left and I don’t think it’s a great idea to introduce somebody new so soon. It’ll really piss of Atlas and won’t it look a little weird to them having your niece as a Horseman?” You leaned against the counter as you rambled.

“They won’t know that you’re my niece.” He grabbed your shoulders. “Come on, Y/N. Aren’t you tired of working with those sicko college guys?”

“How did you-”

“I went to one of your shows.” He admitted.

“Then you know that I am not good enough to be a Horseman.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You just aren’t letting yourself reach your full potential.”

“I pick handcuffs and shimmy down trap doors.” You shrugged. “What else am I supposed to do?”

“See!” He exclaimed. “This is why I think you could benefit from working with the guys. Get some new ideas, get a little taste of the spotlight, it would be good for you.” He clasped his hands together. “Please, Y/N? They’ve been getting very impatient for their next show.”

“Why don’t you just bring Jack back to life? That would be a good opener.”

“They’re the Four Horseman, Y/N. They need you.” He begged.

“I’m the kid. I’m supposed to be the one with the puppy-dog face!” You scowled. Unfortunately, it worked every damn time. “I will meet them and we will see how it goes.” He beamed, pulling you in for a crushing bear hug and kissing your forehead like he always did when you were little.

“Thank you!” He grabbed his jacket from the table and started towards the door. “You’re not going to regret this, I promise. I’ll be back first thing in the morning. Make sure you’re packed!”

“I didn’t mean tomorrow!” You called after him, but he was already gone. You blew out a long, frustrated breath and took another sip of coffee. You made a face. “God this stuff is terrible.” You poured the rest into the sink and walked sluggishly to your room, immediately falling onto the bed.

This was definitely not how you expected tonight to go. You thought that you would just get checked out a few times and score a little money in the process. Now you were going to become part of one of the greatest team of magicians in the world.

“Shit!” You sat up suddenly. “What am I gonna wear?”

The knock on the door made you jump, nearly sending your lipstick in a line across your face. They knocked again.

“You have a key, just come in!” You yelled. The door creaked on its hinges and Dylan stepped in. “I’m in here!”

“What are you doing?” He chuckled as you straightened your sweater.

“Is it a crime to want to look nice?”

“I mean, technically you're going to become a criminal, so…” He teased. You shot him a look.

“You’re not making a strong case for me to become a Horseman.” You finished packing up things from the bathroom and moved on to the open suitcase lying on your bed. You didn’t have much, so it was pretty empty. Just your favorite sweatshirt, three pairs of comfy jeans, and some shirts. You could buy more clothes when you new what you’d be doing. He put a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay?”

“I know.” You sighed. In all honesty, you were just nervous. You picked up the photograph on your dresser. It was you, Dylan and your mom on a boat in front of the Statue of Liberty. “Do you remember this?” He looked at the photo over your shoulder and laughed.

“Yeah.” He pointed to your sickly pale face. “You threw up on the guy who took it for us right after this.” You smiled at the memory and placed the frame in the suitcase before zipping it up. “Are you ready?”

“No, but let’s go anyway.” You groaned and you rolled your suitcase behind you as you took one last look at your apartment before closing the door.

“Everything is gonna be fine. They’re gonna love you.” Dylan assured you as the two of you waited in the warehouse for the boys to show up. Your heart leaped when the door above you opened, three men emerging. They argued about something, none of them paying attention to the two of you as they approached the railing. It was Danny who noticed you first.

“W-who are you?” He addressed Dylan. “Who is she?”

“Guys, this is Y/N…” Dylan introduced. “Our new Horseman.” The three men shot each other looks before all responding at the same time.

“What?” You clicked your tongue and glared at Dylan.

“Told you.”

#now you see me jack #dylan shrike #dave franco #jack wilder #jack wilder x reader #now you see me #now you see me imagine

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nomanicsdak · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://manicdak.com/picnics-and-pirates/

Picnics and Pirates

Neverending Isles

Well, we’re back at it, here in far away, long ago Greece, where I start the game after a long hiatus playing Anthem (don’t @ me). I am finishing up an ice cream sandwich IRL while waiting for things to load up and get immediately assassinated by some bounty hunters, because as it turns out, I am still standing over Podarkes dead bod. When I return from being unsynchronized, I pay for my bounty because I don’t want them hassling me. Now it’s time to get down to business and reacquaint myself to the controls. I still have a gazillion points on the map to explore!

What I remember is that I think I have finished with the Silver Islands, which have lost their sheen after I found out that they don’t let you die there, and I am on a quest to defeat a cult and find my mom so I can find out who my dad is.

Let us now seek a new side quest so I don’t have to do any of that!

Here we go, I meet up with my pal, Barnabas and he’s giving me the update on Kyra! So they didn’t just fade off into the sunset without saying goodbye after all. I feel better about that since I put all that time in here. She is putting her traitorous dad to rest and is grateful I haven’t told her secret. (The secret of her dad being a murderous traitor thief.)

My Alexios’s opinion is that Podarkes should rot, but that the troops deserve a good story, especially Thaletas who is waiting up the stairs I am told. Barnabas bids me good night as he tells me to relax and party it up for a minute, and now I have a quest called a night to remember.

I will never be done with the Silver Isles, also, I’m not hookin’ it up with Thaletas, game. You better not still be trying to make that happen!

First, I’m led to Kyra as she lights dad’s funeral pyre. She has complicated feelings about this whole situation, but I encourage her to stay strong and help her peeps so a new Podarkes doesn’t crop up. We head back to the party now.

The bear smuggler is there all touching up on Barnabas’s face. She calls him Barny which is a good nickname for him that I didn’t even think of, because I couldn’t remember his name for several days after I met him. I’m going to steal it. They have bonded over their opposite missing eyes. How nice. Apparently they are in love now. What the hell? I spent so long wandering around these dumb islands that my boat captain has acquired a girlfriend. I can invite her to join the crew, so why not. Everybody wins? Maybe we could use a smuggler.

Once we are done with that love story, I can now breath a sigh of relief, because Kyra and Thaletas are together for reals, and he is no longer awkwardly hitting on me. Yay! Also, he’s over here turning down Spartan generalship in order to settle on the islands with Kyra. This is quite a thing for a dude who wanted to fight me to prove my Spartaness. Good for them, for now!

I decide to bow out quietly and leave the rebels to their islands without speechifying about it, despite Barny’s wishes. Of course, I can’t leave without Sokrates showing up to say goodbye and philosophizing at me. Until next time, Sokrates!

But I see new quests…what? I am determined to finish these silver isles though, so I’m heading back across the way to Mykanos now.

Psych! Apparently you can create your own levels in assassin’s creed now, and these silver exclamation points are user created. It’s been so long since I’ve been here there are new game mechanics. Of course in the first one I pick just to see what they’re like, my “one true love”, Thaletas, wants me to assassin someone for him. Even random internet strangers want me to hook up with this dude! Sorry, video game gods, it’s not gonna happen!

I move back to that blasted pirate island with the dagger lady that I attempted earlier in the game and spend the entirety of my gaming night trying to beat it. I KNOW I’ve faced dual wielding rogues before and beat them. This pirate lady is two entire levels below me, so I don’t know why this is so difficult! Bah. One bonus to this location when I finally beat her, is that there is a cultist here! I wasn’t even looking for one! So we get to cross another of those dudes off the cult family tree.

Since we’re laying siege to pirate islands tonight, let’s go find another one. There is a huge one to the west of me, so that is where we head! First a quick stop off at this little nothing island called Lestris. There is a quest item here though. Let’s see if we can find out what quest it belongs to… Huh. Artifact fragments it looks like??? Maybe I should upgrade my spear instead of going to pirate island.

Just kidding again! I travel all the way back to spear island to find out I need seven artifacts for the next section, but I only have four. Damn. Back to Pirate island I guess.

Yo-Ho-Ho

This place is literally called Pirate Island this time. I thought it might end up in another silver isles situation, but this one only has a couple of quests that don’t lead on an endless string of other quests. It is however, filled with bobcats jumping on my back. Which sucks, because I’m not about killing bobcats, but if they’re going to attack me…

Our first quest is for a little girl. She’s gathering clay for her friends and wants to make them some jewelry, so she asks Alexios if he will go find some pearls and shiny rocks. Sure thing! Helping the children of Greece free of charge are my favorite tasks.

I return to her shack on the hill expecting some more kids, but instead find three huge lumps of clay, and these are her friends. <Insert distressed smiley face here> I was not expecting this innocuous quest to turn tragic, but then again, I never do. Turns out her mother decided to go pirate to get some money and make a better life, but returned with a stab wound. Her last words to her daughter were to be good and make friends. The kid has literally made friends. Out of clay.

All my friends are clay.

I don’t really have the heart to tell this lonely child that her friends are clay lumps and she is delusional and needs to go out and meet real people. I choose to tell her that anybody can be a friend. My bestie is an eagle after all. She thinks that’s pretty cool. Maybe I can inspire all the young girls of Greece to become falconers? (I return a bit later and find her crying, because the rain has washed her friends away, but we cannot interact anymore. Did I do the wrong thing? )

Alexios, Blending right in

Second quest is some dude’s wife picking ceremony. The woman I talk to insists that she loves this man and he loves her. Apparently I get no choice but to think she is a gold digger. Is she? Who knows? An acolyte of Hecate approaches us and offers to make her a love potion. I and Alexios think this is a ridiculous farce, but agree to help anyway. I fetch some shrooms and some some wine and hand it over to the ‘witch’. All she needs now is a lock of the woman’s hair.

A love potion that causes hair to fall out, but not at the root– The mysterious ways of Hecate, I guess.

I return the next night and our friend is bald! Turns out the witch was merely a rival for the rich dude’s affections, and she has tricked this woman into drinking a sort of poison. It was only supposed to give her a rash, not make all her hair fall out. As to the why of the situation, the witch thinks she deserves this dude because they’ve known each other since childhood, and was just playing the game. The other woman is distraught, obviously.

the witch is way too pleased with her plan

But the show must go on! — This whole prank has rubbed me the wrong way and the ‘witch’s maniacal laughter is really not helping much, but I don’t get many options in the way of a peaceful resolution. It’s either, So sorry about your luck, bald lady, or kill the witch! (My true choice would be to tell the bald woman to forget about the rich dude; he’s not worth it and then hightail it out of there.) I call the guards on the ‘witch’ and hope she’ll just get arrested or something. Naaah. With that choice I get an update to the quest for witch killing. Damn.

I just stand aside and let the guards do it.

And that’s everything of note on pirate island! A short and sweet one with surprisingly few pirates! Maybe tomorrow we’ll hunt some cultists so I can upgrade my spear!

I do find one short quest somewhere along the way, but I forget where it was. A woman instructs me to go to a cemetery to find out which God is the most powerful: Apollo (I think? Or was it Ares? Something with an A. I didn’t write this one down!) or Posiden. “A” god has lions which are pretty powerful, but Posiden has like…sharks and krakens. Choices, choices. While I’m figuring this out some dude comes up to me and is absolutely convince I’m going to kill him. Huh? I tell him all is cool, bro, but then he comes after me anyway, because Athena told him it must be.

I didn’t get this memo

Back to the old lady who gave me this dumb quest, and I tell her Athena is the most powerful, because she got this dude to commit suicide by mysthios without lions or sharks. The lady thinks this is all amusing and I don’t even remember if she got the answer she wanted, and I don’t even know if I got any drachmae for it, but there you have it! Moving swiftly onward–

Wading into the Deep End

Update: So it turns out that I didn’t find an artifact on that island, just a clue to find one, which is good, because I need three more to upgrade! It has led me Achaia and now I can’t find the letter with the clue so… great. Am I even supposed to be here? I guess I’ll go search the coves and see what I can find!

I find many enemies that are at least ten levels above me, so–I definitely am not supposed to be here yet! Also, I’m level 30, how long is this game??? Before I move on to easier targets, I find the sunken temple of Demeter and some Ares boots that I can sell later. Maybe I’ll tackle the cultist in the arena? I have an actual quest for that, so maybe I’m not too weak for that one? It is in Pephka, and I get to reveal a whole new section of the map if I go there. So, let’s go!

Ouch!

First, I stop off at an underwater cavern to get some loot and fight some sharks. Turns out the quest item on that island was not the cultist letter, nor was it an artifact…it was some bricks. Do I have a quest for bricks??? What? Forget it. I’m going to the arena and resisting the temptation to stop at every island along the way. In keeping with the theme somehow…it is at a place called Pirate Point.

Ahh, turns out this is all Barny’s doing. He thought I should give this arena thing a try, because, obviously, I have nothing else to do. I talk to a guy named Skoura. I guess I’m here to inspire the crowds to believe in heroes again. I’ll do it!

It’s Skoura!

Well, I’ll do it up until the point where these other dudes are a higher level than me. There is a guy at level 50. Damn. Hopefully the cultist makes himself known before then. Is it Skoura??? I hope not, I kinda like the old dude. Also, I’m going to have to question this whole operation…

Like, why does Alexios, a single human person (or Demi-god?), have to fight like 20 dudes before I get to my opponent??? He only has to fight me. How fair is that? (I’m just complaining, because I am not good at this, and also this sucks and is no fun, but I won’t rage-quit just yet.) At least not until–yes, that did it–some upgraded gear did the trick. It is always my downfall.

After I win my first bout, some dude named Maion approaches me and Skoura. He’s all about the drachmae, so I don’t trust him. Hmm. Maybe he’s the cultist? I just want to find him before I get too deep in this arena business. Is that too much to ask? But there are only two out of five guys at my level or below.

Yeah, the one guy is going to be it for the arena for now. Excuse me while I go grind, thank you very much.

A Tale of Two Brothers

Here’s a novel Idea–Let’s get on with the story. Did I say I was going to investigate Alkibiades clue? Let’s do that! Off to Korinth we go! There are lots of undiscovered locations here. *rubs hands together in anticipation*

First thing I find is a bandit camp, which I think is going to be a simple affair not worth mentioning, but instead there is a quest there. I rescue some dude named Lykinos who has no idea why these bandits were shaking him down. I have to carry him to get him away. Let’s return him to his dad before I accidentally kill him trying to put him on the ground (I forgot which button puts people down!) and see what journey I have to go on now.

Okay, dude is an Athenian poet. When we get him home safe, and sound, it turns out that the bandit’s killed dad! Sad. We find this out because Lykinos’s brother–some call him Tim–shows up to tell us. He’s all aggro about it, probably because Lykinos has been swanning around Athens writing poems instead of being there at home / fighting wars. Now I get to do favors for both of them.

Lykinos cannot believe this shit

Tim wants me to get some Athenian armor from a vendor, and this can’t possibly be as easy to do as it sounds. Lykinos wants revenge. Even Alexios sounds weary with that idea, because he’s trying to convince Lykinos nobody wants any more bloodshed. He agrees, that’s why he’s hiring me. Gee, thanks, fella.

I go to the merchant and it turns out that that dad sold his armor, or maybe this guy is trying to cheat me? Whatevs. Buy all the armor! I only spend money on upgrades (if I remember to) and paying off my own bounties anyway.

Armor in hand, I head off to dispatch the bandits. When I get to their camp, I find them besieged by a pack of wolves. Maybe if I sneak hard enough, the wolves will do all the work for me??? All right, I am not that lucky or good at sneaking, but these dudes aren’t that difficult. I find a letter in the camp that says dear old dad owed these bandits a lot of money. Loan sharkin’ it up again, I see. I wonder if there’s a bigger badder shark behind these guys?

Spoiler: There is not. I’m always overthinking these sidequest plots.

What I do know is that I’m apparently staying for this funeral even after revealing the truth of dad’s shady business dealings. Tim wants me to get oil for an offering, and Lykinos thinks I should get some wine. He seems confused about what the oil’s for though, and there’s a lot of tension between these bros. We shall see! I get both offerings and complete a location.

When I return to my friends, they are having a brotherly blow up, like brothers do. After I give them a pep talk about being there for one another, because they’re all they’ve got left, it is time to go. Or is it?

Now Hug it Out!

Because, are these bros vibing on Alexios, or is it just me? Well, Lykinos wants to meet up with me later anyway. Winkity, wink?? Like, the last dude that wanted to see me after a quest was complete, I ended up with a bed of rose petals.

Aaahahah. Lykinos wants to make me dinner. I TOLD you. First I have to hunt down some deers, and when I meet him it’s on this picturesque overlook at sunset. Geez. Well, played, poet man. Dinner and a view–I think this hits the sweet spot right between a overly-sentimental bed of rose petals and goat orgy. I actually like this guy, so let’s do it!

But first a chat about Lykinos being a lying liar who lies. See, turns out he didn’t come back just to visit the fam. Actually, he just failed at being an artist in the big city. He didn’t want to tell his family so as not to disappoint them, and he didn’t want to tell me, because he was trying to impress me. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do know, because he’s not exactly the fighting type. I tell him he should become a cook because this venison meal he’s made is A+++

Are You serious right now?

Alright! Heart to heart over; we fade to black and return the next morning with Alexios all by himself again. Such is the life of a mercenary! It’s on to the next quest I suppose.

#assassin's creed #Games #Assassin's Creed #Odyssey

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patricksilvrrozartistry · 7 years

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Current Music Obsessions: June 15 - 30, 2017

Sorry for being so late with this one. I was busy all week last week and didn't have enough time to post the final list for June. I have A LOT of stuff this session since I purged through my watch later playlist, but a shorter list should be coming next month. So let's begin with the honorable mentions.

The Oblivion - New Messiah Cinnamun Beloved - So Far Vandroya - You'll Know My Name The Project Hate MCMXCIX - Reign Ravenia - Creators of the Apocalypse Amethys - Miss Fairy Lullaby Walk in Darkness - Alexandria The Haunting - No One Saves Us but Ourselves Skuggsjá - Vitkispá NeraNature - Ego Death Frou Frou - Must Be Dreaming Mother Mooch - Hive Mind Fairy Bones - No One Can Suffer Like I Can Real Life - Send Me an Angel The White Swan - The White 8th Floor - ผลสุดท้าย [DreamBreaker] Iced Earth - Clear the Way (December 13, 1862) All but One - Persistence Rings of Saturn - Inadequate Zuberoa Aznarez - Uraren Abestia Silent Descent - Vortex feat. Bjorn Strid Cyclocosmia - Seasons in the Abyss (Slayer cover) Dust in Mind - I'm Different Rise Against - Make it Stop (September's Children) Trigger - Dead Sun Royal Blood - Lights Out Kandia - Alone Chelsea Wolfe - 16 Psyche Manntra - Lanterne Face Off - Massive Make Them Suffer - Fireworks A Midnight Grace - Deceit Walk in Darkness - Eternal River Flow Need - Rememory Xandria - When the Walls Came Down (Heartache was Born)

Now for the many obsessions.

1) Devil in Dorian - Don't Waste My Time

This song definitely caught me by surprise. I don't normally like songs like this, but I kept finding myself listening to it, jamming and having it stuck in my head. It's like a blend of punk and classic style heavy metal. Great song to jam out to.

2) Beneath My Sins - My Rules

This is a symphonic metal band I've known about for a minute now. They were originally called Evolvent, but now go by Beneath My Sins. This song is so good. The choirs and synths are so good and truly what make this song as epic as it is.

3) Voluspaa - Av Sin Klokskap

I came across this band while on the Metal Archives one day trying to see if Catherine of Mortal Love had been featured in anything in recent years. She's only in backing vocals on this track, but nonetheless, this song is epic. I'm so picky about folk metal bands since so many sound so similar to one another, but this one is looking to be one that I'll love.

4) Lovelorn Dolls - Mother of the Universe feat. Helen Vogt (ex-Flowing Tears, Lighthouse in Darkness)

I came across this song while seeing if Helen was featured in anything since the end of Flowing Tears (which is how I learned about Lighthouse in Darkness) and found out she was featured on one of Lovelorn Dolls' releases. I've known of this band for a minute, but haven't really dabbled that much into them, yet every song I've heard from them are absolutely amazing. This song is no exception. Definitely check it out.

5) Adagio - Darkness Machine

I discovered this band through ProgPower USA's Facebook page and I am in love with this track. Progressive power metal with a tinge of djent. This track is so epic. I'm surprised at how much I enjoy the singer (I'm not usually a fan of singers like him). I'm definitely going to look more into this band, because this song is the tits.

6) Psyborg Corp. - Interdimensional Hyperdrive

I finally got around to listening to Psyborg Corp.'s debut album after knowing about it since its release many years ago. If you are a fan of industrial/harsh EBM, definitely give these guys a listen. This song is amazing to listen to when wanting to chill, but is also very danceable.

7) Aperion - U

I discovered this band a few years ago, but just decided to look more into them. I came across this music video and fell in love. It's so good, dramatic and theatrical. If you're into symphonic metal bands that have more of theatrical sound, definitely give these guys a listen.

8) Hallatar - Mirrors

This is a doom metal project created to honor the life of Aleah Stanbridge (Trees of Eternity) and the songs are composed of poems and other writings of hers. The vibe and sound this song has took me by surprise, because Aleah was known for doing ambient music; this is pure gothic doom metal. It's so haunting and broody. Definitely give it a listen.

9) Qveen Herby - Gucci

Karmin got a face lift and are now Qveen Herby, which has more of a hip-hop/R&B vibe to it than the original stuff from the Karmin era. I kept finding myself singing the chorus to this great jam almost every day. "You should buy it for me. Bury me in Gucci." So simple, but so catchy and great. Definitely am gonna listen to full release.

10) Alina Lesnki - How Soon is Now feat. Agordas (The Smiths cover)

I've talked about Alina and her covers many times before, but this one has to be my favorite one she's done in a while. Such a great tune and still captures the essence of the original, while still having Alina's own symphonic metal flare to it. And don't get me started on the harmonies. The harmonies are EVERYTHING.

11) Karkaos - Kolossos feat. Morgan Lander (Kittie)

I discovered this band one day when scrolling through my main tumblr and decided to give them a listen. I immediately became hooked on this song. I don't know how to describe it. It's a bit metalcore, symphonic, deathish, but it's all around some extreme proggy goodness and I need to hear more from them.

12) Little Mix - Power feat. Stormzy

I would've never thought to listen to this group on my own, but when I found out that Willam, Alaska and Courtney were featured in the video, I had to check it out. I actually fell in love with the song. It's just so fun and empowering. A great summer jam.

13) Dear Apollo - Closure

For fans of Look Right Penny, you will be happy to know that the singer is in a new project that has a similar vibe to LRP, it's just a bit more proggy. This song is so simple, but it leaves such a huge impact and is so catchy. Can't wait to hear more from them.

14) Silentium - Hangman's Lullaby

This was one of those random YouTube finds that turn out to be absolutely wonderful. This gothic metal band has definitely gotten my attention with how absolutely gorgeous this song is. Reminds me of the stuff you would hear from Norwegian gothic/gothic doom metal bands from the 90's (which is my favorite style of gothic metal). Definitely am gonna listen to more from them.

15) Selene - This Life

I recently discovered this band not too long ago. They're your standard symphonic metal band, but this song stands out so much compared to the few other songs I've heard from them. It's a ballad track and is so soft and pretty. A beautiful song to chill to.

16) Nox - Signed in Blood feat. Helena Michaelsen (Imperia)

I got bored one day and decided to see if Helena was ever featured in another band and came across this band. They're not really my cup of tea, but this track is so good. I think part of it has to do with Helena's bits in it. She just demands your attention in this song and hits some pretty impressive high notes. If you're into blackened death metal, this is a pretty good band to check out.

17) Mortad - Hollow Tomorrow

I discovered this band one day when checking out a playlist centered around women in extreme metal bands and/or bands with female screamers/growlers. This song is a beautiful ballbuster. I never thought I would ever describe a track like that. So much energy and the chorus is so lovely. Definitely will check out more from them.

18) Ionnalee - Not Human

This is the second single from this project and I am in love with it. It's so lovely, catchy and fun to jam out to. Between this and Samaritan, this has to be my favorite. Partly because of the instrumentals, but also because of how beautiful the chorus is. Definitely check this track out if you're into ambient/experimental pop music.

19) Clouds - In the Ocean of My Tears feat. Natalie Koskinen

This is a doom metal band that I discovered one day while checking out Luna Obscura's Facebook page. Their front woman, Gogo, is going to be featured on their upcoming release, so I thought I'd check out a few of their songs. This is the second song by them I've heard and I absolutely love it. So haunting, broody and melancholy.

20) Biffy Clyro - Many of Horror (When We Collide)

I discovered this song through Melanie Murphy's Insta Story one day. It's so lovely and pleasant. Such a beautiful song to just chill out to. It's so simple, but leaves such a huge impact because of how it was executed.

21) Circus of Fools - Another World Within

Here's another random YouTube discovery that turned out to be absolutely amazing. This is a melodic gothic metal band that has a symphonic element to them. The video is so cool and slightly creepy (the outfits and filters give it a slightly unsettling atmosphere) and suits the song really well. Definitely will check out more from them.

22) Xandria - A Theater of Dimensions feat. Henning Basse (MaYaN)

HO. LY. TITS. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that Xandria would produce such a chaotic and proggy song like this. Theater of Dimensions is an excellent album, but this song is the best one off it and probably their best song to date. So much raw emotion and power. They definitely explored Dianne's vocal talents completely with this album and entirely with this song. So theatrical, campy and emotive. DEFINITELY give this song a listen!

That is it for the month of June! Like I mentioned above, shorter lists should be returning for the next month. I'm also thinking that I'll bring a smaller version of this series back to my YouTube channel when I return from my hiatus next month, so look forward to seeing the return of CMO videos!

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