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#is the title a direct reflection of how having covid felt?
hldailyupdate · 2 years
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Louis Tomlinson on 'sonically ambitious' new album Faith In The Future and a new-found 'creative freedom' as he releases lead single Bigger Than Me
As he readies the release of second solo album Faith In The Future and its lead single Bigger Than Me, Louis Tomlinson talks us through his most 'authentic' work to date
By Carl Smith
Waiting for the host to let us into a Zoom interview with Louis Tomlinson, we're extremely conscious you're about to speak to one of the world's most accomplished musicians. It's quite nerve-racking, really. Even having interviewed Louis many times across his career, from the early One Direction days, we can't help but wonder if the fame's somehow changed him.
We needn't have worried.
At 30 years old, Louis has achieved feats few would deem possible. Seen corners of the world many will never visit. Experienced pandemonium only The Beatles or the Spice Girls could ever truly comprehend. But, while it'd be all too easy for him to sit back, consider his ambitions fulfilled and live off some sizeable royalties, Louis is looking ahead.
On November 11, Louis will release his second solo studio album Faith In The Future. The follow-up to his 2020 debut Walls, it sees him collaborate with such unlikely influences as Australian trio DMA's, Courteeners' bassist Joe Cross and Hurts' Theo Hutchcraft.
As he readies the release of lead single Bigger Than Me, we speak to Louis about his most 'sonically ambitious' work yet, and why he's 'immensely proud' of his new-found artistic 'freedom.'
We firstly congratulate Louis on becoming a first-time uncle to sister Lottie Tomlinson's baby son Lucky ("I'm dead excited," he beams) and his mammoth world tour; a series of shows that've seen him play 80 shows to over 500,000 fans across five continents.
"I’ve been so lucky with this whole tour," he says. "I spent two years over lockdown being excited for these moments. I wasn’t even prepared for how I feel in this moment, right now. I feel so fulfilled with everything that’s happened this year.
"I’ve been so, so blessed. I mean this – everywhere I f**king go the crowd bring the energy. I feel incredibly lucky, and it’s taken quite a bit of work to get here. Looking back and reflecting, I’m really proud to be here and of the year I’ve had."
We tell Louis we were blown away by his performance at London's OVO Arena Wembley earlier this year. "Even in the sling?" he laughs. "There’s such a raucous energy out in the crowd, so it really warrants that feeling back from me."
On the topic of resuming his tour post-COVID lockdown, we question how Louis mentally coped with such a drastic lifestyle change; from 100mph living throughout 1D and his solo career to a complete standstill. How did he navigate such a shift?
"I’ve had most days filled for the last ten years," he acknowledges. "What I liked about that period? My life, by definition, comes with a lot of pressure in this job. I felt like the world had gone on pause. That was the first time I’d really had a moment where I didn’t have to worry what was to come. I felt a lot of freedom in that. I feel like it gave me room to declutter my brain and, hopefully, I got a better album out of that.
"I knew, in that time, I needed to make a record, but it just felt like I could take my foot off the gas a little bit. I really needed that. It revitalised me. It also made me dead excited about what’s to come.
"We live in a world now where we get everything we want quite quickly, and I think the fans would agree it was nice to wait for those moments. It meant that, when they did come around, it felt even more special."
The title of Louis' second record, Faith In The Future, immediately sparks a certain hope in things to come.
"I had the title before anything else," he explains. "I was 99 per cent sure I wanted to call it Faith In The Future, then lockdown happened and it just felt like an appropriate statement.
"I actually tweeted it for the first time, without any context, last year. I felt this magnetism to the phrase. With that statement, I’m not saying we can predict the future or that it’ll necessarily look any brighter, but it inspires hope. Have faith in that idea and you won’t be any worse off."
Taking some of the album's somewhat unlikely collaborators, from DMA's to Courteeners' Joe Cross, we ask if Louis allowed himself to be more open to experimentation on this record.
"This whole album’s been a learning process for me," he says. "With the first record, there was an element of me finding my feet and working out what it is I could do. Deep down I always knew what I wanted to do, but there was definitely a time when I asked myself the question ‘can I pull this off?’"
It's during moments like this it becomes apparent that superstardom hasn't actually changed Louis. Much as he was throughout The X Factor and One Direction's infancy, he remains somewhat self-critical, aware and refreshingly humble.
He continues: "I felt much more freedom in this record to express myself in the way I wanted to. I didn’t put as much restraint on myself as I did on the first record.
"On Walls, I was so overanalytical about every sound. Every lyric. Every moment. I went into this process with a lot more freedom and, naturally, I’ve created something that’s more true to who I am as a musician and as a music fan; what I like listening to.
"All my experience from being in a band like One Direction, the experience was incredible but doesn’t feel that relevant to what I’m doing now.
"The restraints, and they weren’t put in place by anyone specifically, I’m sure all the lads in the band will have felt their own version of this, you leave the band with this idea of who you are. Ironically, who I was was a member of a band. I wasn’t an individual artist. It took a bit of working out of exactly who I was. I had to work out if I was willing to be brave and say ‘it’s on my head, so be it.’ On this record, that’s what I did."
Asked what might surprise listeners most with Faith In The Future, Louis explains: "The fans won’t be surprised that the guitars are the most prevalent instrument across this record. That won’t surprise my fans, but it might surprise other people.
"There are a couple of more dance-leaning tunes on this record. I was so particular on the first record that I wanted to be seen in a certain light and it had to be organic and credible. Of course, those things are still vitally important to me, but I’ve given myself more freedom.
"I loved DMA’s last album THE GLOW, which Stuart Price produced. That has dance elements in it but was done in a really authentic way. It doesn’t feel remotely contrived or like a f**king made-for-radio pop-dance hybrid. That was really food for thought for me throughout the process.
"Those moments across this record felt brave for me, because I dipped my toe in with the Steve Aoki track. That’s a song I’m immensely proud of, but if I’m being completely honest it was me playing for radio. It was something I felt I had to do. These songs come from a different place. Yes, I’m using dance elements, but I hope it’s done in an authentic way."
We tell Louis we're DMA's fans, too.
"They’re amazing, aren’t they? I’ve been lucky enough to meet them a few times. Johnny [Took] came to one of my shows in Australia. They’re just really f**king lovely lads, great blokes. They’re an amazing live band.
"What I did on this album, more than I did on the first, and this is meant with no discredit to professional songwriters, I tried to work less with ‘professional’ songwriters and more with artists. I found that idea so fulfilling across the record. It comes with a different intent when you work with artists.
"They understand that it’s not all about commercial success and radio. In my experience, there’s much more heart and soul in the music."
This leads us seamlessly into Louis' work with Hurts singer-songwriter Theo Hutchcraft. How did that come all about?
"Me, Theo, Joe Cross and David Sneddon did a writing camp together, and what was great about that was that – from the off – we were all on the same page. Theo is vastly intelligent and an incredible writer. Even just being around these people, getting into their brains and taking on their different ideas; I’ve learnt so much more making on this record than I did the first. That’s purely from being around the right kind of people.
"I'm a massive fan of both Hurts and The Courteeners. Even the fact they were willing to work with me, I was buzzing about that. We’ve got some really great songs out of it.
"The songs with them – She Is Beauty We Are World Class, Silver Tongues and Saturdays – two of those songs are my favourites on the record. There was something amazing about that writing camp. I got there on the first day, we went to the pub together and just spoke about music. It meant that, the next day, we were already on the same page. We’d already had those conversations. The whole thing felt so easy and so free.
"When you go into a studio, turn up at midday and know you’ve got to be out by 6pm, that brings with it its own pressure and actually influences what you create. What was great working with these guys, over two or three days at a house, was we had the freedom to create whatever we wanted. That freedom shows in the music."
Louis' passion in this project is clear. He beams with pride as he discusses the intricacies of the record and his reasoning behind certain artistic decisions.
"One song in particular, Silver Tongues, I’m immensely proud of," he tells us.
"It’s one of the first times that I’ve written a song that I could definitely imagine myself listening to, had I not written it.
"That track’s very much in line with what I listen to and love musically anyway. Writing that made me feel really confident that I was writing the album I wanted to write. I feel really confident in what’s to come."
It's a confidence that's in no way tinged with cockiness. Louis reflects on his growth, acknowledging how far he's come as an artist and how much further he hopes to go.
"I feel like I’ve come such a long way, since the start of my solo career," he explains. "Specifically with how I’m performing on stage.
"One of my fans actually made a video of a show I played pre-COVID, from the end of my set when I sing Kill My Mind. They compared that show to the same song from the most recent show I did, and it was a really literal example of how far I���ve come.
"That makes me feel amazing. There are times when I’m looking at myself in the mirror thinking ‘are you sure you can do this?’ But then I think ‘course you can f**king do it, man – and you do it well!’"
Louis Tomlinson's new album Faith In The Future is released November 11 via BMG. Lead single Bigger Than Me is released September 1.
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mylyricpages · 1 year
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INTERVIEW WITH JEFF SCOTT # 7 ( 2022 )
“I knew what I wanted to write about and I kind of kicked against it being too regimented, I knew I wanted to keep it as pure as possible.”
It‘s been a while, but after three years James Ellis is back with a new lyric collection. It‘s called ‘On The Outside Looking In’ and is possibly his longest and most lyrically dense to date. “I guess I had a lot to write about,” he tells Jeff Scott, “it poured out.”
IT’S A DULL afternoon in late September. Clouds hang over Mumbles Bay though the air is reasonably warm and it’s comfortable enough to sit outside the Beach Hut Café that overlooks the pier and has a panoramic view of Swansea Bay. Nearby is the rubble strewn remains of the Copperfish restaurant, destroyed during a devastating fire in late august, but all around it life continues on, as it always does.
I’m here with James Ellis, once again to talk about his latest lyric collection ‘On The Outside Looking In.’  Usually we don’t do a follow up interview but at the end of our last one I felt we hadn’t really got into the ‘songs’ enough, the process of their writing and the ideas behind them and I was still keen to do just that. We did something similar for ‘Electric Hymns,’ it went pretty well, so I thought we’d try again.
1. Welcome To The Big Sky
I wanted to use this as an introduction of sorts, a little prologue before we get into things proper. What I thought was going to be the chorus ended up being the first verse and what is essentially the chorus came a bit later. I didn’t let myself feel too locked into any usual structure, a lot of the time I knew what I wanted to write about and my thoughts came out very subconsciously. I kind of kicked against it being too regimented, I knew I wanted to keep it as pure as possible.
It’s about looking toward the horizon. I wanted to capture the feeling we’re all in some ways, young or old, rich or poor, chasing some kind of dream, about the journey that takes you on. The other part of it is more personal, when I look at the actual horizon, thinking of the places beneath those distant clouds, there’s a mystery to it which inspires me. It makes me think about who I am as a person, about making plans in life. I guess it’s that somewhere over the rainbow feeling.
2. Weathering The Storm
This was originally written about coming out of the end of Covid, that whole feeling of coming out of the dark and blinking into the light and taking stock of what you’ve just been through. I guess it can still be read like that but as I was writing it I began heading in a different direction, not even intentionally so, and it became more about relationships, whether romantic, family or friends, about how we often reflect on how the hell we’ve got through the things we have. It was bits and pieces at first, a bit muddled to be honest, until I found the title refrain, which helped me find the rhythm of how it went.
3. All Alone In A Crowd
It was written around the same time as ‘Weathering The Storm,’ actually if I remember correctly most of it was finished before that song. Many times in my life, still a lot now, I’ve felt on the outside of things. Even in my favourite and the best of company I’m often not entirely comfortable, I’ve always felt slightly removed and I struggle to be in the moment, it’s something I’ve been working on the last few years. It’s another song built around a repeated refrain, which is something I enjoy doing if I can find a good enough rhythm to spark off.
4. Hold Onto The Light
This ended up being a curious mash up of both old and new lyrics. Most of it is new but the bridge was written back in 2019 for another song. It was one of the things I had left over from the ‘Electric Hymns.’  
It’s about how most days we feel like we’re fighting a battle, trying not to be worn down by the daily grind of things or simply gathering together the will to just get up every day, put on a brave face and focus on some kind of life for ourselves. To be honest, I thought I was writing it for people who feel like I do, maybe I was just writing it for myself.
5. A Place With Your Name
In august of 2020 my former music teacher, Phil Jones, passed away. I’ve wanted to write about how that affected me for a while. Phil was someone I greatly respected and admired in many ways, he was someone who was always around and who I thought would always be around, and when he suddenly wasn‘t it threw me. When I was going through one of the lowest parts of my life Phil graciously invited me into his world and for that gesture alone I will always be eternally grateful. It was the beginning of me finally turning things around again.
For a long time after I just couldn’t find the words. In the months after he passed, as I walked through various places where I used to see him I almost felt like I could still see him, like a fleeting image in the corner of my eye, a flicker of memory, and that’s where the pre-chorus came from, that was the start of it and the rest just grew from there.
6. Going Under/ Rising Up
It was called ‘Trying Too Hard’ for a while. I remember what is now the two pre-chorus were originally the verses but the further I went with that version the more I felt I was trying to put a square peg into a round hole. So basically I left it alone for a while. Later, I was working on another song when I came up with the verses and I pretty much realised immediately where they belonged. The lyrics in the second half of the bridge are actually about 5 years old. I’ve tried to put them into half a dozen songs but they finally found a place here.
It’s a song about the last few years. In 2020 I had a major shift in my life where I had to leave a place I knew well and people who’d become good friends. It was a necessary shift in a lot of ways but it was a hell of a big change. At first I was so busy I didn’t have time to process it all, and when I finally did I suddenly felt utterly adrift. It took me a good while to find my place and get myself on a more even keel.
7. You Way You Did Anything ( Was The Way You Did Everything )
I suppose this is the nearest thing to a romantic song on this collection but it’s still not quite that. I’ve had the title for a while and there was an earlier version called’ The Way You Do Anything ( Is The Way You Do Everything). The change to past tense came as I was writing this version and it felt like it fitted better thematically with the rest.
It’s about someone I knew, someone who had a way of getting through life with such composure, dealing with the bad things that come along with such grace, and like the song says I was in awe of them.
8. Insomnia Blues # 1
I’ve touched upon my sleeping problems in songs before but I’ve never directly addressed it, never addressed the feelings that come with it, about just how it feels to be wide awake when the world is asleep. It can bleed into everything. It not only affects the night but if affects the day too, how you interact with the world. It can affect every aspect of your life and I wanted to shine a bit more of a light on that.
There’s not really much to say about the actual writing of it. The chorus came first and when I set to work the rest pretty much flowed. There was supposed to be an ‘Insomnia Blues # 2’ but I didn’t get around to it, maybe it’ll turn up on another collection at some point.
9. Night Walkin’/ Waiting for The Sun
It’s another song where I’ve used the conceit of talking to someone else but I’m actually talking to myself. When I lived in the valleys during the 1990’s I’d often go out night walking. If I couldn’t sleep, if I was restless I would just go out walking and it was usually between midnight and when the sun came up, especially on spring or summer nights. There was something so calming about walking those empty streets. Again it has a repeated refrain, which became something of a thing in these sessions. When it was finished I realised it fit perfectly with ‘Insomnia Blues # 1.’ It wasn’t intentional at all but with ‘When The Sun Comes Up’ following it worked well as a mini lyrical suite of sorts.
10. When The Sun Comes Up
When I was originally coming up with ideas for this collection I had the thought of having what were kind of lyrical intermissions, titled Intermission # 1 and Intermission # 2, but as I began writing them they became more than that, so that idea changed and I’m glad it did.
I really like the fact that this one is about the city life waking up and it’s companion piece is about when that city’s night life is waking up. I also like the fact each of them pre-figures the multi-part songs that close out Act I and Act II. I thought there was a nice symmetry to that.
11. On The Outside Looking In
This was the first song finished for this collection at the tail end of May. I’d wanted to return to multi-part songs for a while and as it happened this was first out of the gate. It came in a weird order though. ‘Back Where It All Began’ was written first, then ‘The Summer Of Song,’ then ‘A Bitter Sweet Reminisce.’ It was only when the three parts were done that the flow felt wrong, it just didn’t scan right.
So I tried a few variations until I felt it worked. So, as it turned out, the first song ended up third, the second ended up first, and the third ended up second. Sometimes that’s just they way it comes about.
It’s the title song because I felt it encapsulated everything I wanted this collection to be, which is about not having lived a normal life in a conventional way, of always feeling on the outside looking in, and how that can make you wonder how things might have gone differently.
12. On Many Roads/ The Importance Of Being Kind
This is about living a life of just being kind, those simple little moments when someone just changes your day. Even something as simple as a friendly hello or a smile. The older I’ve got the more I’ve learned to value that a lot more. I was trying to go for a folk style lyrically, almost a narrative ballad of sorts, but it ended up as not quite that.
It’s a distillation of advice I’ve been given by different people over the years, the ones who really made an impression, and whose words I took on board. How I narrowed it all down was to use the conceit of someone being given advice by their father. I was listening to a lot of ‘Grateful Dead’ at the time and I think I was aiming for that kind of vibe.
13. Were We Ever Glorious?
I finally nailed this song on the third time of trying. I began, I stopped, I began, I stopped, then finally I started again and took it all the way. It was a struggle to get it to flow seamlessly but I just kept plugging away at it until I felt I’d got just what I was after the whole time.
It’s about missed opportunities, about how we see people years later, people we were close to, and it sets us wondering about how things might have turned out had we pursued things, made the unrequited requited, I wanted the words to have a wistful, melancholy kind of feeling. It’s also about wondering if certain relationships were even what we thought they were. Are we being tricked by our feelings and memory?
14. A Time To Share
I think this is certainly one of the most honest songs I’ve done, which isn’t always a comfortable feeling, but I was trying hard to get to the truth of something, questions I’ve asked myself a lot lately, about how I often struggle with maintaining relationships, especially the romantic kind, why when someone gets too close I step away. I’ve tried to change that over the years but we all fall into familiar patterns.
I’ve hurt people, never explained, never been able to explain, never really cared to look back too much over the years, that is, until now. Something has changed in the last year or so, something that used to be closed off now feels more open and for the first time I feel like I can share that part of myself, a part I thought I’d always keep locked away.
It came quick. I wanted it to be a very short, direct kind of song as the other songs were quite long, but as often happens it grew in the telling.
15. When You Feel Time Speeding Up
It’s a curious thing as you get older, the way you feel time speeding up, even though it really isn’t, it’s not going any faster than it ever did. The days feel shorter, life feels busier, and you struggle to find moments just to be yourself, to figure out what you want and where you’re going. You look around and you wonder have I done enough, did I miss the opportunities that came my way? I’ve wondered about how those two things relate to each other in regards myself. Actually, I’ve probably spent far too much time thinking about it to be honest with you.
It came together pretty quickly around the same time as ‘A Time To Share.’
16. I Miss You All
‘I Miss You All’ is kind of a sequel to ‘Live Your Life ( Like A Revolution )’ in that it touches on how certain people came into my life over the second half of the 2010’s, people who changed how I saw things and how I saw myself. Around two years ago I had to leave those people, not totally, not forever I hope, but I was in a place where I needed to change things, to move forward. I had to go but at the same time I didn’t want to and for a while after I was totally adrift.
So, I wanted to write this for them as a thank you of sorts, I guess. It came pretty easily, the chorus was first, and then the rest of it just flowed.
17. Far & Away ( The Best Of Days )
Along with ‘Ode To You ( Jayden’s Song )’ and ‘A Legend In The Making’ I guess this song forms a trilogy of sorts. It’s about watching my nephew growing up. He’s very much becoming his own person these days. It was an interesting realisation when it dawned on me that my life was changing along with his and I had to figure out how to adapt to the way things are now, which of course is always the kind of thing that sets you thinking about the times you’ve shared up to this point.
The whole song started with the line “And hopefully you’ll remember me fondly when I’m gone and you’ll smile when you think of me.” Once that was in place I figured out the repeated refrain and it went from there.
18. I Salute You
This kind of ties in with ‘I Miss You All.’ When I left that part of my life behind I was well and truly striking out on my own, stepping out into the world, with no back up or back up plan. Career wise I was out on my own for the first time in my life and as I result, probably a fear response, I looked for inspiration in those who’ve taken risks in their lives, put themselves in front of the headlights and really gone for it. I was going for a gospel kind of vibe, almost as a hymn to those people.
19. The Boy Who Never Was
I think what I was trying to get at here was how well do we remember who we used to be. Is what we remember about ourselves the literal truth of who we were or it is what we tell ourselves we were? Is our memory of our youth a true history or is it a kind of composite of what really was and how we might be seeing it through the passage of time. I’m not sure how successful I was but it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought the last few years and I wanted to put it into words.
It got written in a bit of daze actually but it came together in one sitting.
20. When The Sun Goes Down
The flip side to ‘When The Sun Comes Up.’ Having them as the penultimate song of each act worked well and gave things a more cohesive feel, which certainly wasn’t something I’d planned from the start.
21. The Sound Of Waves
Right from the very beginning of this collection I knew that I wanted multi-part songs and that I wanted them to be at the end of each act, which along with the amount of songs was a big part of splitting it in two.
It was originally going to be more about how the world is now, how it feels like its continuously speeding up, the environment, politics, that underlying feeling of communal anxiety that’s seeped into our lives.
I had a few goes at that version but it just wasn’t working. There was some good stuff in it but I wasn’t feeling a connection to it. It didn’t work on a personal level and I struggled to find what I was aiming for. I gave it one final go before leaving it off the collection all together, and this time I didn’t over think it, I just let a kind of subconscious flow happen and it began working. It was vague at first but it had the feeling I was after, which was a melancholy that was in some of the other songs.
‘The Art Of Self Deception’ was originally longer and could have been it’s own separate thing but I cut it down and it just worked better.
The chorus of ‘We Need To Fix This’ had been around since earlier in the year, I tried it in a few other things but this was where I felt it fit best.
With ‘The Last Hurrah’ I wanted to end on a positive note by saying we’re all in this together, that no matter what we’ve been through in life we should be proud that we’ve made it this far, because there’s a lot of good people who fell along the way. It felt a good way to sign off.
*
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parasitebeans · 2 years
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Chokehold, watercolors and gouache on Arches paper. 
First piece of 22′, and the first piece I completed since recovering from Covid last week...stay safe folks. o/-<
twitter / storenvy / inPRNT / portfolio /
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formulinos · 2 years
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notes on this season
will have to admit this might be lewis' strongest season even though he lost. the comeback he did was incredibly admirable, especially when you consider how much it seemed how he looked like a ghost after races - long covid is rough, y'all - and how mercedes was keen on fucking things up. which is my point 2.
honestly, mercedes felt this season HARD even though they managed to snag constructors. might say it's deserved because they managed to come back whenever necessary, even at this finale, but a few times this season it seemed like it wasn't that rbr were the best, but mercedes were doing the worst. might be a winter of reflection for them.
all in all, the title race was actually pretty tightly well done from the parts of both teams. not much better that mercedes could have done in risking and red bull were right in risking as well, and the best one won. almost fair and square because...
michael masi and his crew are completely null. completely. even though i was backing lewis to win this one, it was completely pathetic to see the "lapped cars can't overtake safety car" message. it's never been like this. even worse with the FIA radio and masi not being able to justify why to red bull. EVEN worse whenever masi tried to clap back to either red bull or mercedes about his decisions. "this is called hard racing, toto" "excuse me?" "this is uhhhh racing". would love for him to step out for 2022, we need tighter stewarding/race direction for the new era.
a few highlights on the other teams before i get to my final point: aston martin are incredibly amateurs, after a certain point this season i was just astonished at how bad they made decisions every race. get your shit together; same with alfa romeo who in theory had it in them to do better than they did, retiring both cars bc of issues like that was borderline disrespectful to gio and kimi; alpine did good considering the expected, alphatauri managed to do ok as well but i feel that being red bull's sister team is starting to hold them back; haas is null but i can't wait to see if their bet paid off next year; mclaren's main deal is suffering from second half-itis and losing gas but i was still concerned with them every race hahaha
actually, one point about ferrari and ferrari only: a bitch has to stan how quickly they come back every time. do i see them being championship contenders next season? no clue bc we'll have new cars BUT overall they seemed really focused on righting a good part of their wrongs and it paid off with an almost brilliant campaign. losing charles' fifth position in the drivers standings was DUMB as all fuck but now it's basically back to the Fine Margins because they already lowered the gap. could have won a few races this season but consistency was key
LAST POINT FINALLY: i said before in the year i didn't rate max and i didn't think red bull would win until they learned from their mistakes in the past. looking back with all we know today, have i changed my mind? well, i still don't rate max but i will give it to him that whenever he wasn't acting and driving like a tit he produced the finest racing of his career, his would be pole in dubai one of the greatest examples. feels like he went two steps back as a person in this last section in comparison to the middle of the season but fuck it, he won so whom cares. unlike previous years, i do think now that one day i will Get Him. i don't think red bull learned any better from this championship though and i still think marko and horner are war criminals but idk. it just feels like something shifted in the universe hahaha good for them for keeping it together until abu dhabi though.
thank you @ baby jesus for this end of this championship, good fucking riddance. you bitches behave until 2022 and forza ferrari!
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Stepanova & Bukin: “Our Fans Really Want Us To Be Together”
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How do you feel about being the new Russian National Champions?
Vanya: Wow! To be honest, we didn't get enough sleep. It was a busy time. We sat, talked with the team, discussed a lot. This was our first competition in a long time, so we were a little exhausted.
Sasha: So far, we don't really feel that something major has happened, but the assessment of our coaches is very important for us. They didn't know how we would perform. Yes, the coaches did everything to make us perform well. But from the very start, everything depended only on us... And we managed to perform well so many thanks to our team for this.
Vanya: In general, we liked everything very much. We missed the audience a lot and we hope to perform somewhere else soon. Yes, there are nerves, but they are very pleasant nerves. Competition is great.
Is this national title the main award of your career?
Sasha: No. We have silver and bronze medals from European Championships. We have also performed well at World Championships. The situation here is completely different in all aspects. We had a different task... But overall, we are very pleased with the title of Russian National Champions.
Vanya: Yes, indeed, this is the first time for us. The support was great. Even though the arena was only 35 percent capacity, we felt incredible warmth.
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Is the lack of vivid emotions due to the fact your main competitors were not here?
Sasha: Yes, many skaters were missing in Chelyabinsk. It’s a pity that this is the case. We, ourselves, were not able to participate in early competitions such as the Grand Prix in Moscow.
Vanya: For instance, Dima Aliev did not compete here although we were expecting him. We are friends with him, and we communicate a lot. We hope to meet the entire Russian team after the New Year.
Did this situation personally blur the impression of the Russian Championships?
Sasha: Of course. In addition, the federation indicated that this is not the final selection for the World Championships. We simply perceived it as a certain stage where we need to show what we are capable of.
Vanya: On the other hand, the fact that it was our first competition in a long time added more importance to it.
Is it a shame that Europeans got cancelled, while everything goes well in other sports?
Vanya: Of course, it's upsetting.
Sasha: I don’t really follow what is happening in other sports, but the cancellation of our Europeans was not a surprise. Everything pointed towards this direction gradually. We were ready for this news. We understand that holding a competition in such conditions is difficult and unsafe.
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How do you feel now?
Sasha: I’m good now, thanks.
Vanya: Yes, we have already recovered.
You guys joked at the press conference that you were unlucky, because you were ill with COVID at different times.
(Sasha and Vanya laugh)
Sasha: Well, yes, we were really out of luck.
How did this happen? You spend so much time together.
Sasha: At first, I just caught a cold. There was bronchitis or something like that. I got better and then fell ill again, but with COVID. I don't know why that happened, but after I got sick, the coaches and Vanya fell ill.
Vanya: Why this happened is still a mystery to us. It is very incomprehensible.
How did you handle the disease?
Vanya: It was not easy. I had palpable lung damage. The temperature was monitored for a very long time, and the dose of antibiotics was quite strong. The hardest part is not how I got sick, but how I went back to the ice. It was very strange and a little scary.
Sasha: You may be fine at home, but as soon as you go out on the ice, you immediately start coughing due to the cold air and the slightest exertion. Usually for us, skating in circles is nothing at all... But after the illness, the body perceives it as a serious threat and reacts instantly. It is scary. You start thinking: "How am I going to skate now?"
Did it come to hospitalizations?
Sasha and Vanya: No.
Vanya: Fortunately, it didn't come to that. I didn't have extreme temperatures (around 37.5 to 38 only). The only problem is that it lasted a long time. Sasha’s condition was different though. High temperatures in the beginning, but the illness quickly disappeared.
Sasha: In my case, it started with a common cold, then the whole body began to ache. I came back from training and it felt like someone was breaking all my bones from the inside. Then, body temperature began to rise. The maximum was over 39. I immediately took antibiotics. The state itself was unpleasant - you go to the kitchen, or to the bathroom and you are already very tired. You also hear how you breathe.
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Sasha, I looked at your Instagram and came to the conclusion that you love black and white tones. Why is that?
Sasha: In black and white, there is...
Vanya: Magic.
Sasha: Yes, some kind of charm. Many photographs look better in black and white. I like the lines and shadows.
Do you hear from fans a lot?
Sasha: Very much! Just yesterday, one fan gave gifts through the coaches. She loves our group very much, follows us to all competitions. From my understanding, she is not alone. It is just her who communicates with us. I called for a photo session, but unfortunately, this has not yet happened because of the virus situation. But yes, they write a lot! They post stories, write long messages. Sometimes I read and tears come, people give a lot of themselves. You think how this is possible. Many are busy with family and work, but they take time for us.
Vanya: Most of the times, they post our reactions to performances. This has already become a meme! We have been compared to animals. Sasha recently reposted a picture where I am a dog who smiles, and she is a serious cat. In many shots, myself and Irina Vasilievna (Zhuk) are explosive, and Sasha and Alexander Vasilievich (Svinin) are more restrained. It’s cool and funny!
Does this reflect your nature?
Vanya: I’m probably more emotional after performances. I keep everything to myself so much that it just breaks at the end. Sasha, on the other hand, gives so much to the performances and at the end, she has nothing left.
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Are you offended by any comments?
Vanya: Some comments are very interesting. There have certainly been times where I wanted to respond, but realized that it was pointless. It is nonsense.
Sasha: Because you will be invested in it.
Vanya: Now, I laugh at such comments. If a person doesn't like something and expresses their opinion, please, especially if it is really constructive criticism. When you see that this is not the first time a person has written, and really understands figure skating, you can listen to this... But there are some that just write for the sake of saying something.
Sasha: Yes, there are some who throw out unnecessary emotions based on nothing.
Has it ever happened that thanks to a person's comment, you changed something in your performance?
Vanya: A couple of times.
Sasha: It is not with regards to steps and technical issues though. Most comments are like “I want power, brightness.” At such moments, you can reconsider and decide that, indeed, something is missing somewhere.
It happens that unpleasant things are written by fans of other teams.
Vanya: I'm okay with this, but if you like another couple, why are you writing under our post? Go to your guys and write good things.
Sasha, you are sometimes compared to Victoria Sinitsina? Are you okay with this?
Sasha: Yes, absolutely! We sometimes laugh about our similarities. We also have common views on wardrobe sometimes.
What about the comments that you and Vanya would make a good pair in real life?
Sasha: It's fun too.
Vanya: On one hand, that is a compliment because it means that we can show real emotions on the ice. People believe in our story and think that we are also together behind the scenes... But we have already said many times that we are not a couple in real life, so it is quite strange when people ask about this.
Sasha: It's very cute though!
Vanya: Those who have been with us for a long time know that we are not together, but our fans really want us to be together.
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Do you follow the situation regarding Russia's two-year sentence? You guys already had some bad experiences in the past with this decision.
Sasha: Yes, we heard this news. As far as I understand, the consequences could be much worse - all athletes from Russia could be expelled indiscriminately. They could say, "Russia, goodbye." But we are still allowed to compete. Let it be without the anthem at the World Championships and the Olympics, but on our form, the name of the country can still be written. This is already pleasant for us. I do not know all the little details, but in this situation, I want to find something positive.
Vanya: Of course, we are upset, because this is our country. We would very much like to perform with the flag and anthem. But the decision has been made, and nothing can be done. We will calmly prepare for all the major competitions. It remains to be seen how athletes will be admitted to the Olympics.
What would you change in ice dance to make it more popular?
Vanya: Ice Dance is a very creative sport. Everything should look simple, easy, and unpredictable with us. In my opinion, to make our sport more popular, teams must be given more freedom for creativity. Then, the couples will not be alike. We have many rules that do not allow us to go beyond.
Sasha: In general, the rules are made for judges. Previously, ice dance judging was based on "like it or not like it."
Do you have long-term career plans?
Vanya: This season has shown that it is difficult to plan the future. We have decided to live day by day, and prepare for specific events. There have been many times where we plan a lot, and in the end, the plan does not come true.
Do you think about life after sports?
Sasha: I do not have any serious thoughts. Maybe participate in shows, but there are no specific plans. However, I can definitely say that I want to stay in figure skating and take a new role in the sport. For now, we still have a lot to accomplish. We have just reached the top level. We have just started receiving recognition from the audience.
Vanya: And we are very grateful to our fans. When new broke out that we were sick, many wrote to us and supported us. It is really motivating!
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Do you have plans for the New Year holidays?
Sasha: I would like to go to the skating rink in front of the Red Square. I have never been to massive street skating rinks, so I want to feel this atmosphere.
Vanya: Oh cool! Let's go and invite everyone!
A small wish to your fans at the end of the interview?
Sasha: Health and love. Be happy no matter what. Live everyday.
Vanya: To make all your dreams come true in the New Year.
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starbeanz · 4 years
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Love Me: Chapter 5
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I do NOT own this image
Summary: You get Erik’s gift and you have a hard conversation with your mother
Pairing: Erik KIllmonger x Reader
Words: 3k
Warnings: ANGST (bc I’m a hoe for the drama), swearing, I think that's it.
A/N: Thank you guys for being patient, and in honor of getting my negative Covid results back I wrote this during my lunch break. I hope you enjoy it please let me know how you like it. Also I couldn’t think of a title for this part sorry.
Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 
You woke up later that evening with a searing headache, slowly you got your bearings but every time you moved your head hurt worse. Getting out of bed you went over to your dresser to look for your blood pressure medication, you were only supposed to take it sparingly because of the baby. But given the morning you had you figured now was as good a time as any.
You saw your reflection in the mirror on top of the dresser, even though you had just slept most of the day away you looked exhausted. You definitely looked like someone who’d just cried themselves to sleep.
When you went downstairs you could smell food cooking and you heard people talking in hushed tones in the kitchen, you recognized the voices your mom was still her and she was chatting with Kayla about something. You could tell that both of them were irritated by something, but when you stepped into the kitchen they stopped talking all together. They looked to each other quickly before turning to you, having the last words of their conversation nonverbally.
“Hey honey, how are you feeling?” Your mom said after a beat of silence. There were pans simmering on the stove and ingredients for your favorite chicken parm laid out on the counters.
“I’m hungry... I guess.” You say sliding into one of the chairs at the bar resting your head on the countertop.
“Dinner’s almost done, do you want anything to drink or anything while you wait?” Kayla chimes in. When you turned to her, that's when you saw it, sitting behind her on the counter was a huge vase of flowers and a small box next to it.
“What’s that?” You asked no one in particular, you knew exactly what it was further you knew who it was from. Erik used to buy you flowers all the time when you were together you’d mentioned offhandedly that you thought roses were cliche, prompting him to go on a hunt for less cliche but equally beautiful flowers for you. When he learned you like the look and smell of orchids he began to buy them exclusively. You pulled at the string on the box and opened it up, the smell hit you immediately and your stomach growled loudly.
“He remembered...” You muttered to yourself. True it hadn’t been that long since the two of you spilt, the week before he’d bought you orchids and they were still in your apartment on the day that he left. But you had done so much work to convince yourself that he didn’t care and that he never had, but just like earlier he was proving you wrong. There was a card tucked into the blossoms too, on the inside in fancy looped cursive that was obviously not Erik’s handwriting, his handwriting was scratchy and next to illegible.
I know there’s a long way to go but maybe this is a step in the right direction
~Erik
And as much as you wanted to forgive him and race back into his loving arms you held yourself back. There was still a lot of unfinished business that needed to be addressed before you could trust him again. How stupid would you look if you took him back and he turned around and left again. You couldn’t just think about yourself and what you wanted either, you had to think about what would be best for the baby too. It wouldn’t be fair if you let Erik in only for him to let the both of you down.
You didn’t want to think like that, really you didn’t. What you wanted was to see and believe the best in Erik but the overwhelming thought of him leaving you once was fighting back against what you wished to be your better judgement.
“They came while you were asleep. Do you wanna talk about it?” Kayla came up behind you and placed a hand on your shoulders. “She told me you saw him today
You appreciated that she wasn’t pushing you or anything, that thought went out the window though when your mom chimed in.
“We can all talk about it over dinner, there’s important things to discuss.” Even though her voice sounded sweet she said it in that “mom” way that let Kayla and you know that there was no arguing with her.
“Yes ma’am.” you both replied washing up for dinner and helping to set the table.
“Will Matthew be joining us,” your mom asked Kayla who was helping you set up plates at the table. You noticed the hopeful lilt in her voice as she asked and you and Kayla shared a look giggling at her interest in him.
“No ma’am,” she replied. “But he might swing by later, he had a contract he had to close out tonight and I think they made it a dinner meeting.”
“Oh I see, well I’ll put some up for him so he can have lunch tomorrow.” Your mom said placing the salad bowl in the center of the table.
“I’m sure he’ll love that.” Kayla assured your mom giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze.
Everyone sat down and started eating, you didn’t start off talking about everything that had happened but the elephant was looming over the dinner table as Kayla tried her best to distract from it for as long as possible. You guys talked about Kayla’s work and about the additions to the nursery and plans for the baby shower.
“Will you be bringing him?” Your mother asked doing nothing to hide the disdain in her voice. She never particularly liked Erik, not when you first got together and especially not when you left school for him. You didn’t have the energy to fight your mother on this, You look between her and Kayla but you knew you’d have to have this conversation eventually
When you and Erik first met you were in your undergrad years and he was in his masters. When he finished he got a job offer in New York and you went with him. You loved living in New York with Erik, you’d only come back because your dad had gotten sick. The plan was for your dad to get better and for you to re-enroll in school but that never happened. When your dad died you could barely think about getting through the next day so eventually it just got less and less likely that you were going to go back.
Even though you had made the decision not to continue with your schooling your mother blamed Erik for it. In her mind he was Satan’s spawn and him leaving when you told him you were pregnant only cemented it in your mother’s mind that he was no good for you. Despite the pain you were in she was insistent that this was a good thing and now you could finally live up to your full potential.
You thought over how to best
“He’s the father, if he wants to come then I think he should be able to.” You mutter, even though you’d been starving the shift in conversation topic made you lose your appetite.
“Also, if he comes that’s one more set of muscles to help set everything up and break it down when the party's over.” Kayla chimed in trying to lighten the mood.
“What he should be able to do is lay out in traffic during rush hour,” Your mother sighed, Kayla shot her a warning look, telling her to back down. You gripped your fork so tightly your knuckles were starting to turn white. Kayla tapped your foot under the table trying to get you to calm down, but with the hormones and the residual anger from earlier. You hadn’t intended to turn it on your mother but the way she was poking you weren’t sure if you’d be able to stop yourself.
“I just think it’s a little rude considering he left and that Matt is going to be there.” She defended her rude attitude, droning on about how great Matt is and how stupid you were being for ignoring it.
You knew that despite her little crush your mother wanted you and Matt together. Part of you thought that maybe it was so you’d forget about Erik, but nonetheless any feelings you had towards Matt were strictly platonic and your mother seemed to have missed that memo. She knew how you felt about Erik but she never understood how you could still have feelings for him when you gave him so much and then he left.
“What does Matt have to do with anything?” Ask nonchalantly.
“Everything!” She exclaims clearly frustrated. “You’re reverting back to the little girl so desperate to upset her mother that she shacked up with a no good thug who then turned around and got you pregnant. I thought you were growing past that.” She criticizes.
You’re about ready to launch your plate across the table and storm out, fuming mad you open your mouth to tell her off but Kayla beats you to it
“Remember your blood pressure.” She says quiet enough for only you to hear.
“Fuck my blood pressure.” You didn’t mean to snap at Kayla, but there was a special way to piss you off that only your mother could manage. “I was with Erik for 5 years! We broke up 3 months ago, so forgive me for not seeing how in the hell Matt has anything to do with the father of my child coming to the baby shower.” You shout.
“I don’t know who the hell you're talking to but you will check how you speak to me.” She tells you through gritted teeth. “Look this is exactly why he’s no good for you, you saw him for an hour and you're back to your old ways.” She said sinking back into her chair and twirling her fork in her pasta.
“What do you mean by ‘my old ways’, mom?” You challenge leaning towards her across the table. “Do you mean sticking up for myself so you couldn’t just bully me anymore? Being a parent doesn’t give you carte blanche to bully your kid because they can’t say anything back.”
“Y/N I said watch your tone. I will not sit here and be berated for my parenting by someone who couldn’t even ensure that her child’s father would be in the picture.”
“What do you think I’m trying to do mom?!” Your voice is almost pleading. Hot tears are pricking in your eyes, you hate that when you're angry you tear up, your mom gives your teary eyes a dismissive look before she continues.
“I think you're messing up an opportunity to be with someone who loves you to go run back to that no good deadbeat who will never amount to much more than a gangbanger.” She states matter of factly continuing her meal as if nothing was wrong.
“Erik is not a gangbanger! He has two degrees and a good job, when I was at my lowest he was there for me. He’s a good man and he does love me mom!”
“Then why did he leave Y/N?” She asks, you swallow thickly acutely aware of Kayla easing you back into your seat, you hadn’t even realised that you had stood up fully. She steps in front of you blocking your mother from your view but that doesn’t stop her.
“Where has he been the last 3 months Y/N? I wonder how many other girls he’s left just like you, thinking they’re the only one, just for him to walk out on them.” You try to swallow a sob, you’re angry that her words are affecting you so much but you can’t help but think back to how he danced around that very question earlier.
“You know who’d never do that to you? Matthew, he’s a good boy and he’s head over heels in love with you. You’re leading him on and you’re disrespecting him by trying to keep that asshole around! Your father would be so disa-” You were ready to throw something across the table at her when she mentioned your father, Kayla noticed even if your mother didn’t.
“I think you should leave.” Kayla cuts in, her words surprised both you and your mother, whose hard look faltered slightly.
“I’m sorry-” she began indignantly.
“No I am. I don’t care what your opinions of my brother may be but you won’t help anything by making her feel like shit for feeling the way she does and if those feelings happen to be for Erik then who the hell are you to tell her she’s wrong for that. So yes I think you should go. Thank you for dinner, you can show yourself out.” She states firmly. Your mom looks furious and ready to respond.
“Goodbye mom.” You say looking down at your plate cutting off whatever remark she had left. Your inability to look her in the eye says what your words don’t, that this isn’t just your regular everyday goodbye. Part of you wants to feel bad but this isn’t the first time you’ve lost her, and it probably won’t be the last.
She doesn’t say anything else before she leaves and you're thankful for that. Kayla holds your hand tightly in her own until the front door slams shut and you can hear her car disappearing down the street.
You crumble forward into Kayla’s arms and she holds you tight like she’s done so many times in the past. She rocks you softly and lets you cry into her hoodie.
“Do you wanna talk about it?��� She asks after a while, you shake your head and just hold her tighter. How had your life gotten so messed up, you were supposed to be happily pregnant with your family to love and support you, but somehow everything has gone haywire.
“I don’t know what to do Kay.” You whisper after a while.
“I do.” She tells you standing and pulling you up with you. You follow her to the kitchen where she grabs two Ben and Jerry’s from the freezer and two spoons. You take them when she hands them to you and she sifts in the cabinet for a bowl and some potato chips and the bottle of hot fudge.
She dumps some chips into the bowl and then drizzles some fudge onto the chips and heads to the living room. You follow setting down everything on the table, she tosses a fluffy blanket over to you and you take it thankfully bundling yourself up and grabbing the snacks while she cues up Avatar the Last Airbender on Netflix. The two of you watch and snack and for a short while you forget about the dumpster fire that your life has devolved into.
“Am I stupid?” You ask quietly after you had made it through the first half of season one.
“No, never. In love yes, stupid no.” She replies without missing a beat.
“She’s probably right though. I asked Erik if there was someone else he left me for, he wouldn’t answer me.” Admitting that to Kayla felt equally good and bad.
It was nice to tell someone to get their perspective, but at the same time saying it outloud made your mother’s words feel all the more real. What if there had been someone and the only reason he was back now was because it hadn’t worked out with her. Fresh tears burned in your eyes at the thought.
“Aw honey.” She coos brushing the dampness from your cheek, she takes a long pensive breath before she speaks again. “I know that he’s not one of my favorite people in the world right now. Lord knows if I could get away with it and not have you hate me I’d run him over with my car.” Both of you giggle, you know she would she’d told Erik as much when the two of you were together. “Erik loves you more than he loves himself, and if you ever tell him I told you this I will deny it to my grave. Yes he messed up, don’t get me wrong, mans fucked up astronomically. But he does love you, those kinds of feelings don’t just go away. I still have feelings for Trey even after everything,” she admits, “and we were only together half the time you and Erik were.”
Trey was Kayla’s first and only boyfriend out of college, at one point they were even engaged, this was the house they were supposed to start their family in, but life happened and he had moved away but Kayla wasn’t willing to give up her career for a man even one she desperately loved.
“I guess what I’m saying is those kinds of feelings don’t just go away. But them still being there is a foundation for the two of you to work together to do what’s best for my little baby niece.” She muses then a look of horror crossed her face realizing what she just said.
“It’s a girl?” You asked, the tears in your eyes started to fall, but you were smiling.
“I’m so sorry I know you said you wanted to wait it just kinda slipped out.” She said, you waived off her concern and took her hands in yours.
“I’m happy you told me.” You said to her and you meant it.
“Oh I’m glad you finally know, I was dying to tell you.” She says before the two of you fall into a comfortable silence.
“Do you think Erik had someone else?” You ask, nervous because you know that Kayla will be brutally honest if you ask her. “In your honest opinion.”
“I think...” She trails off seemingly hesitant to confirm what you were already suspicious of. “Physically probably, he was a whore before you so I think it's safe to assume he’d be one after.” You thought you were ready for the blow but it still hurt to hear. “Emotionally, I don’t think he’ll ever feel the way he felt for you for anyone else.” Her final statement shouldn’t give you the hope that it does but there’s an unmistakable flutter in your heart when she says it.
The two of you leave it at that and spend the rest of the night pigging out and watching Avatar. Kayla falls asleep before you so you cover her up and start to clean up the remnants of dinner and your snack session. When you're all done you shut the tv off and head up to your bedroom.
Your phone was sitting on the bedside table charging, you hadn’t looked at it since you’d come in. When you picked it up you saw a couple missed notifications, a missed call and a couple texts from Matt, some social media updates and then a message from an unsaved number.
You immediately knew who’s number it was without having it saved, you looked at the preview and you saw that it was a whole paragraph, you held your thumb over the icon before just biting the bullet and opening it to see what he had to say.
~
Hey guys sorry for the cliffhanger but it had to be done. What do you think he has to say? Please like, comment and reblog if you enjoyed it.
Tags:
@nahimjustfeelingit-writes​ @buffisummerz​ @fd-writes​ @yomiloo​ @ibe-erynn​ @yourwonderbelle​ @pipsqueak-98​ @inlovewith3​ @amethyst09​ @sambucky8​ @knrivera16​ @themakingsofdion​ @greeneyedthief​ @chaneajoyyy​ @quietstorm-73 @big-flop-energy @bugngiz​
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bermudezprojects · 3 years
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ENRIQUE CASTREJON at Bermudez Projects, Los Angeles
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ENRIQUE CASTREJON Mind Heart Rectum
September 11–October 30, 2021 1225 Cypress Avenue, Los Angeles
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With six monumental body sculptures, Enrique Castrejon’s new exhibit “Mind Heart Rectum” puts the Bermudez Projects art gallery in Cypress Park at the crossroads of the human response to cancer, aging, masculinity, and the pandemic.
Yes, it’s a startling title, but Castrejon is trying to direct our attention to our minds, bodies, and souls. The CalARTs grad, whose work has been shown internationally, fills the main gallery with works he says helped him get through the continued decline of his father’s health due to dementia, heart disease, and rectal cancer. The feeling of helplessness and uncertainty Castrejon felt was processed through these works to understand these diseases and come to terms with their debilitating progression. In addition, the anxiety and the unexpected Covid infection of his older sister only propelled Castrejon into his work to ease the stress and uncertainty of this infection during this dark period of time.
“I don’t think I could have made it through that period without those pictures,” he says. “The pictures are about measurement and measurement is my form of control.”
For Castrejon, measurement is the act of assigning numbers to phenomena according to a rule. And much of his work gives us data surrounding and filling-in familiar representations, until the data almost obliterates the form.
Castrejon says his work usually begins with a found design: “Images of beauty, queer bodies, HIV, war, death, destruction, and tragic events,” taken from magazines, newspapers, art catalogues and online sources, and then broken into smaller identifiable geometric shapes. Castrejon says:
“I write measurements or other definable data or units along the side of the shapes to question and describe what I see from the parts of the whole.” And in doing so, “I challenge our perceptions of what is real, forcing us to think critically about information that is constantly changing, bombarding our everyday lives through images selected in directed advertisements, pop-culture sources, editorials and news stories.”
Each body sculpture in “Mind Heart Rectum” is measured in inches and calculated angle degrees; and each length along these fragmented geometric shapes is measured in (x inches) and all angles are measured in calculated angle degrees. With the use of a protector and calculator, Castrejon uses the equation (360°- x°=y°) to uncover the outside angels of each shape accordingly. And, then he uses thin black strips of paper as line indicators that help draw out those units outside the bodies creating a chaotic web or aura made from a rational quantitative process. Measured units are written at the ends of these black strips of paper allowing the viewer to come closer to the bodies, explore the bodies, and find the units’ point of origin within the body. Finally, the bodies are covered with strips of researched data and information concerning dementia, heart disease, and rectal cancer.
Castrejon describes his artistic goal as “ordered chaos.” The artist finds that even the kind of tragic event that words sometimes fail to describe can still be measured by art, and his methodical approach allows him to represent the difficult imagery of disaster, war, and chaos in an analytical manner.
As a senior research coordinator at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center – where he works with researchers studying the effects of drug use on the immune systems of sexually active Black and Latinx men – Castrejon has long explored HIV/AIDS and sexuality. But this new body of work hits closer to home.
“Mind Heart Rectum” examines Castrejon’s personal reaction to the dementia, heart disease, and rectal cancer that afflicts his Mexican immigrant father. As a caregiver for his father along with his mother and sisters, Castrejon saw how the diseases changed his father’s body and mind, and he believes by creating these works and making the private public, we can inspire people to learn more about their bodies and chronic illness, and help them talk about it without stigma.
The massive sculptures – the largest being 9 feet tall – are intentionally created to represent young bodies. Painted in varying hues of brown and black to represent Black and Latinx men, Castrejon wants to re-enforce that his father’s illness did not just appear due to his old age but through contributing factors and behaviors in his younger years. Like so many other men, including many Latinos, his father didn’t want to admit he was in pain, and wouldn’t seek medical care. Making it worse were language barriers, financial concerns, lack of awareness to these illnesses, and a lack of prevention messages.
Castrejon says, “I hope “Mind Heart Rectum” can be a positive experience that encourages introspection and reflection, and uncovers a silver lining in loss.”
Enrique Castrejon (b. 1972) was born in Taxco, Guerrero, Mexico. He received his BFA from Art Center College of Design in Pasadena; and earned his MFA from the California Institute of the Arts. His work has been displayed in venues including the LA Municipal Art Gallery; the Leslie-Lohman Museum in New York, the Mexican Cultural Institute in Washington, D.C.; Museo de Arte Carrillo Gil in Mexico City; Museo de las Artes in Guadalajara, Mexico; and the Preview Art Fair in Berlin. He is the recipient of a COLA 2019 individual fellowship grant from the City of Los Angeles. Castrejon’s works are held in private and public collections, including the AltaMed Art Collection, Los Angeles; the Los Angeles County Museum of Art; and the Museum of Latin American Art, Long Beach, California. The artist lives and works in Los Angeles.
PRESENTING SPONSOR
Fraijo Family Foundation
Additional support provided by:
MORALES + MORALES
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tuesdayx · 3 years
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So I thought it would be fun to do a song-by-song breakdown of our latest album Essential.
Essential started as some rough demos designated for a side project in late 2019, which then became our largest album to date in terms of song selection. Many of the themes deal with learning to cope with the changing world thanks to Covid, with a perspective of someone who had to keep working at an "essential" job with no option of self-quarantine. I was happy to continue working and being able to pay my bills over the past year, but there was always elements of stress, fear, and tension lingering over myself and everyone else in my position.
So here we go; starting from the top let's look at the Songs of Tuesday X's 6th album Essential.
1. Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams: the title was a reference to the 9/11 conspiracy memes, which as stated in the opening lines, "has nothing to do with this song." Written in January of 2020 before Covid had made any significant impact in the US, the song touches on many themes which happened to occur throughout the year, such as [another] Californian forest fire (Australia too), new diseases (Covid), a riot (the BLM movement over the summer, which I will state everything that movement has been fighting for is 100% justified and the United States is in desperate need of Police reform, as does our political system which has remained inherently racist to this day.), Civil War (and exaggeration for sure, but the civil unrest and political division in our country will soon split us apart further), more corporate giants(companies like Amazon profited more from this Pandemic than ever before and have helped further the gap between the American working class and the top 1%). Favorite line: "I won't get philosophical, I only wanted your attention."
2. The Only Difference Between You and Me is a Sense of Apathy and Your Brand New Nikes: This song is a blithing criticism of the American political system. Our two party system has left Americans with a choice between "the lesser of two evils" and allows politicians with no true interest in our needs to rise to power. The use of 3rd parties as an alternative is a overly simple compromise that would only just begin to alleviate the problems created in our political system. Both of our main parties are considered conservative parties to the rest of the world, and any progressive measures that would benefit society and reduce the effects of climate change are considered radical and preposterous by politicians with financial stakes in our crooked system where corporatations hold control and the people are treated as fuel for an otherwise worthless currency. Favorite line: "Listen to the radio, they played my favorite song. Now I'm bored and wanting more."
3. Blame it on the Elves: the title is a reference to an episode of the Podcast "Lore" by Aaron Menke (i can't recall which episode, but you should check it out anyway because it's great listen.) An instrumental interlude inspired by ragtime music of the 1920-30's, with an edge of course.
4. Class of Dropouts: This song was written when I was 16 during my sophomore year of high school and was originally featured on my now unavailable album "trees" before adopting the Tuesday X monicker. I brought it back 6 years later because I loved how raw and punk it was. The lyrics are dorky but I decided to leave them as is, it's a cool track for high school stoners to blare and let out their teen angst. Favorite line: "Walking in on my friends fucking."
5. Polaroids on My Bulletin Board: This is a song about growing up. As a 22 year old (now 23) who decided not to go to college straight out of high school, I felt isolated from my peers in a way. By going into the workfield right away I sometimes feel like I skipped a few years and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I regret not leaving my hometown sooner than I did and chasing my dreams of being a touring musician in a band. More often than not I reminisce of my youth playing shows and getting into trouble, as I now feel old and out of place in a scene I grew up in. Favorite line: "I know what it's like to be alive, I know what it's like to live a lie."
6. Labradoodle Underpass: Going back on the theme of growing up, this is about my recent experience with shows as an adult. When I was a teenager I felt ambitious and ready for anything, and I would drop literally everything to go to the nearest show. As an adult I feel introverted and constantly anxious about the world around me. I've missed out on a lot of great shows due to my own self doubt's and anxiety. Now that shows have been canceled for over a year I feel even more regret by not appreciating them more while I could. Favorite line: "23 years and a lingering fear that anything could happen, why am I here?"
7. Some Shit: This was me trying to be modest mouse lol jangly guitars and half talking/half singing vocals describing the world around me. I guess in a way it was an exercise in writing character description and setting, but otherwise it's just a chill track that almost feels aimless at parts. Favorite Line: "it's just some shit I learned from a friend. Just some shit I learned when I was trying to prepare."
8: Woe is the World: On the album this is a chorus snippet that barely a minute long (the full version is available as a bonus track on bandcamp, and it was actually a demo that turned out better than the final version.) I originally wrote this song when I was 15 with a different set of lyrics, but I came back to it while writing this album and re-wrote it to reflect my mental state and the world around me. Overall, just another melancholy track in a sea of melancholy songs. Favorite line: "you've never felt more alone than you do now, was everything worth it in the end?"
9. Then Why Was it Named Gideon?: the title is a reference to a line in Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour (my favorite series) and like the first track on this album doesn't have much to do with the song. "Gideon" is a simple love song, talking again about how growing up sucks but having the right person by your side can make all the shitty times worth it in the end. Favorite line: "it's time to move on, you're taking too long."
10. I am Here, I'm Looking at Her, and She is Beautiful: This song is entirely about the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower". That's it. Nothing else, let's move on. Favorite line: "Over Christmas I read them a poem about a brown paper bag and the boy who wrote it."
11. Try to Be a Filter, Not a Sponge: Like the previous song, this one is also mostly about "Perks of Being a Wallflower", but with elements of my own experience with toxic relationships. I like to think of it as the character Charlie's experience with Mary Elizabeth overall though. Favorite line: "She called my favorite book washed out trash, said I have no taste and I'm still too sad."
12. Lavender Spray Bottle: This instrumental dates back to 2017. I recorded the guitar part as a demo on my phone and forgot about it. Over time I forgot how to play the guitar part, so I used the demo as a basis and layered everything else on top of it. The title is a reference to a bottle of water with lavender essential oils mixed in that my ex used to fend away spiders in the house we lived in at the time.
13. Hindsight is 2020: I will admit, this is my favorite song on the whole album and was actually the last to be written and recorded. With a simple guitar part and layers of vocals, this song is a direct reflection of life during the peak of the pandemic. With curfews in place and rising case counts, I had to learn to cope with life at home during my late nights away from work. My partner was quarantined during this time and I reflected on the mental strain this put on her. Favorite line: "Don't go to work, you need the money but you're not happy when you're there. Sometimes life is so unfair."
14. I Don't Know How to Deal With Serious Emotions Without Turning Them into a Fucking Joke: the title came from a meme I found on my phone from high school. The song itself was about my own inability to handle serious emotions without coming off as sarcastic. In both the music and lyrics, the song starts as a simple confession before exploding into raw chaos. Favorite line: "it's so hard. I'm so scared, what have I become?"
15. Say Hello to My Little Friend: the last instrumental on this album. A short haunting tune that reflects the final two tracks. The title is probably a reference to Rambo or something, but I never watched it and I thought it fit the feeling of this song.
16. Minneapolis: What became one of the most emotional tracks on this song actually began as a joke. My partner was snap chatting a friend one night and they asked me to write them a song on the spot. So I improvised the first two verses and chorus of this song, referencing her going to school there at the time. I found I actually liked what I had written however, so I refined the track and changed it from a sassy country song into a melancholic lament of my experience in the twin cities and southern Minnesota. Favorite line: "I miss Camp Snoopy, and Paul Bunyon's log flume ride that went around the whole damn mall."
17. Before the Sunrise: the final song on the album is an intimate look at my relationship with my partner. Through past experiences i have become riddled with self doubt and always looking at improving myself as a person. With hopes that one day I'll be the person I'd like to be for mine and their sake, it's an optimistic tribute to my best friend. Favorite line: "the cycle ends until the sun rises again, you're my best friend."
Thank you all so much! Check out Essential and our other music on Bandcamp, Spotify, Apple, and other places! I hope you all enjoyed this personal look at these songs that got me through the worst parts of 2020.
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doomedandstoned · 3 years
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LAIR Dish Out Bleak Doom From The Crypts of Richmond
~Interview & Live Photos by Randy J. Byrd~
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Album Art by Andrew Griffin
From the moment we heard the self-titled full-length debut by Richmond doom-sludge foursome LAIR, we knew they were gonna be a Doomed & Stoned kinda band. Their sound's not just loud and mean, it's got real heart, too. Then came Lair's new EP, 'At Our End' (2021), and we were smitten.
Of special note is the second track, "Forced March" -- a meditation on the Shelton-Laurel Massacre, which took place during the American Civil War in 1863. Thirteen Union sympathizers were executed by Confederates in the hills of North Carolina. To this day, an overgrown barn still stands on the homestead of their burial (you'll find this reflected in the album art, as well). At Our End is a harrowing experience, through and through.
Frontman and bassist Read Urban was cool enough to answer a few of our questions on behalf of the band, addressing how he and his bandmates Malachi Cresswell (guitar), Anne Marie Dumain (guitar), and Andrew Griffin (drums) get creative, themes that inspire them, and gear they knock about.
At Our End by LAIR
We are the end A totem to absence A forfeit of human worth
Scraping our bellies to crawl back to Something not deserved to be called home
Many voices crashing Like waves of pain Upon foreign shore lines Rising amongst bow’d howls
Wailing as one
Entombed in our shedding skin Birthing a new deep despair out Into these clogged streets that reek of Something not deserved to be called earth
Retching as one
Elaborate on the central theme of 'At Our End' (2021). Are you the primary lyricist?
So far, I have been the primary lyricist for both this release, as well as our previous full-length. My main goal for At Our End was to dwell on the idea that a single moment of horror can encapsulate and relay humanity’s depraved future, even magnifying and twisting the result. And even after accepting all of that, we are still not worthy of anything we have been given.
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Do you all write your own parts individually or is there a collaborative effort going into the process?
We all tend to bring riffs to the table and I think that was the case for the most part for the songs on At Our End. Usually, we start with one or two riffs and start building out from there, these songs being an amalgam of riffs from all of us. Some of the riffs start off acoustically, but I don't think we have brought anything to the group fully acoustic. There needs to be a certain amount of volume and weight behind each sustained note to get a sense of how it will work within the context of the full band.
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Where was the EP recorded, mixed, and mastered? Any special gear used during recording to help put the icing on the cake?
We recorded with Yave Rust here in Richmond Virginia over a weekend in July. It was a great experience overall. He is super easy to work with and quick to try out new things. He also cooked us Peruvian food everyday which ruled and we ended the weekend with pisco sours! The EP was mixed by Zach Weeks at God City which was super rad to be able to work with him, as well. For the recording, we used pretty standard stuff over the weekend. A lot of Big Muffs and classic "doom" amps on this record. My personal shout out is to Damnation Audio and Night Owl Industries, two solid pedal companies!
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Tell us about your label Hand Of Death and why you decided to go with then.
Nathan, who runs Hand of Death, plays in a killer death/doom band Harsh Realm. We got to play with them and meet him last time we were in Asheville, right before the pandemic. We were all stoked to work with him on this release and really happy with the direction and help he gave us. I also really appreciate the breadth of bands Hand of Death has worked with. It doesn’t adhere to just one genre of aggressive music, which is refreshing.
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Who designed the cover art?
Andrew shot the cover and the band photos. Since he has a personal connection to the Shelton Laurel massacre, I think we all felt it would be best if he captured and conveyed the themes of the record through those photos. He took a weekend down in North Carolina and brought back the cover photo. It’s been nice keeping a lot of that work within the band and feels like a natural extension of the songs we all work on.
At Our End by LAIR
A column came down
Along the valley’s edge Carried on southern winds Black and the hawk sang There, the Covenant was broken
Our centuries numb us both Indifferent to our own abysmal wounds
A forced march through hearth and home A laurel buried in snow beside The hickory mottled red Cairn beneath the pine
Thirteen then none Our hex yet paid Thirteen then none And still the women won’t speak
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With there being a pandemic currently, any plans on a livestream performance of 'At Our End'?
We are working on some video releases, merch, etc for and after the release. Obviously, COVID makes it all a lot harder so hopefully we don’t catch any major snags. We’ve been working on new material since we recorded and are deciding on what we want to do with these new songs soon. The band is just stoked to get these songs into the world and hope that people dig what we are doing.
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What are you all listening to nowadays?
I can’t speak for the rest of the band, but there is a ton of great stuff out right now. My stack of records sitting out right now: Ninth Circle - Awake Horrors, Void Ceremony’s new LP, Loud Night - Mindnumbing Pleasure, the recent Me Saco Un Ojo releases, etcetera. A lot of Bolt Thrower, too. I listen to a lot of hip-hop, as well, and the recent Ka- Descendants of Cain, Boldy James - Price of Tea in China, and Earl Sweatshirt - Feet of Clay are on heavy rotation.
Lair by LAIR
What's the deal with Riff Juice? Is that like Crunk Juice, but for Doom?
Riff Juice is whatever you need it to be. Some days it's a Coors Banquet. Other days it's kombucha or a cup of coffee. As long as you are writing riffs, it's all Riff Juice.
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d-criss-news · 4 years
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Members of the Film & TV Music community, made up of composers, songwriters, music editors, music supervisors, studio executives and more, are contributing their talents to SOUNDTRACK OF OUR LIVES: A CELEBRATION FOR THE FILM & TV MUSIC COMMUNITY, an online benefit event for MusiCares® COVID-19 Relief Fund. This specially produced program debuts June 25th, 2020, at noon pacific on YouTube, and will honor the talented people whose scores and songs transport, inspire, uplift and entertain us by creating the "soundtrack of our lives." The fun, delightful and heartfelt hour-long special will feature leading and iconic singers, composers, songwriters, actors, celebrity guests and others while celebrating glorious Film & TV Music moments with heart and humor. Donations to MusiCares® COVID-19 Relief Fund will be encouraged throughout the show.
"Thousands of music professionals and creators are struggling during this pandemic and remain in desperate need of assistance," says Debbie Carroll, Vice President Health and Human Services MusiCares®. "The continued support from the music community during these turbulent times has been heartwarming and inspiring. The power of music unites us all and gives us hope for better days ahead."
Over 75 film and television composers and songwriters, "From A to Z, Abels to Zimmer," will appear in this program. Collectively, this prestigious group has been nominated for 273 Grammys (with 87 wins), 216 Emmys (with 51 wins) and 136 Oscars (with 34 wins).
Confirmed performers and special guests include Sting, Catherine O'Hara, Ming-Na Wen, Patti LuPone, William Shatner, Elisabeth Moss, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Marla Gibbs, Jane Levy, Mandy Moore, Richard Kind, Alex Newell, Zachary Levi, Paul Reubens, Kiernan Shipka, Harvey Fierstein, Ginnifer Goodwin, Anika Noni Rose, Kasi Lemmons, Ted Danson, Auli'i Cravalho, Darren Criss, Drew Carey, Ray Romano, Holly Hunter, Reba McEntire, Bob Saget, Ken Page, Lucy Lawless, Mary Steenburgen, Dave Coulier, Kevin Smith, Peter Gallagher, Naomi Scott, Annie Potts, Clive Davis, Jodi Benson, Harvey Mason Jr., Susan Egan, Paige O'Hara, John Stamos, Andra Day and Rita Wilson.
Composers and songwriters participating include Michael Abels, Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Angelo Badalamenti, Glen Ballard, Lesley Barber, Nathan Barr, Tyler Bates, Jeff Beal, Marco Beltrami, Alan Bergman, Terence Blanchard, Jongnic Bontemps, Kathryn Bostic, Kris Bowers, Jon Brion, Nicholas Britell, Bruce Broughton, BT, Carter Burwell, Sean Callery, Joshuah Brian Campbell, Lisa Coleman, John Debney, Tan Dun, Fil Eisler, Danny Elfman, Charles Fox, Germaine Franco, Harry Gregson-Williams, Hildur Gudnadóttir, Alex Heffes, Joe Hisaishi, James Newton Howard, Justin Hurwitz, Ashley Irwin, Mark Isham, Steve Jablonsky, Amanda Jones, Laura Karpman, Christopher Lennertz, Joe LoDuca, Robert Lopez, Mark Mancina, Gabriel Mann, Clint Mansell, Dennis McCarthy, Bear McCreary, Alan Menken, Bruce Miller, John Murphy, Starr Parodi, Benj Pasek, Justin Paul, Daniel Pemberton, Michael Penn, Heitor Pereira, Rachel Portman, Mike Post, A. R. Rahman, Tim Rice, Lolita Ritmanis, Dan Romer, Anna Rose, Jeff Russo, Arturo Sandoval, Lalo Schifrin, Marc Shaiman, Teddy Shapiro, Richard M. Sherman, David Shire, Rob Simonsen, Mark Snow, Tamar-kali, Dara Taylor, Pinar Toprak, Brian Tyler, Nick Urata, Benjamin Wallfisch, Diane Warren, Mervyn Warren, Paul Williams, Austin Wintory, Alan Zachary, Geoff Zanelli, Marcelo Zarvos, David Zippel and Hans Zimmer.
Some highlights of the special include:
Members of the Film & TV Music community deliver heartfelt messages of hope, solidarity & encouragement.
"Musicians!" - a humorous musical tribute to the Film & TV Music community featuring Zachary Levi, Patti LuPone, Alex Newell, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Peter Gallagher and Harvey Fierstein.
Tony Award winner and Disney Legend Anika Noni Rose highlights the history of African American composers, songwriters and artists who have contributed to the Film & TV Music industry through the years.
Performers Danny Elfman, Catherine O'Hara, Paul Reubens and Ken Pagereunite to perform a song from the film The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Eight-time Academy Award winning composer Alan Menken performs his timeless song, "A Whole New World," alongside his daughter Anna Rose, introduced by Aladdin (2019) stars Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott.
Stars from beloved animated features step out from behind the microphone to lend their voices to inspirational messages, featuring Irene Bedard, Jodi Benson, Auli'i Cravalho, Holly Hunter, Mandy Moore, Susan Egan, Ginnifer Goodwin, Linda Larkin, Paige O'Hara, Annie Potts, Anika Noni Rose and Ming-Na Wen.
John Stamos hosts "Name That TV Tune!" with celebrity panelists including Elisabeth Moss, Drew Carey, Ray Romano, Eve Plumb, Reba McEntire, Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Marla Gibbs, Lucy Lawless and Kevin Smith competing to identify famous TV themes.
Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist actor Jane Levy invites us into the dreamworld of her Extraordinary Soundtrack Playlist.
Various performers, including members of the original cast of La La Land, sing a parody version of "Another Day of Sun."
William Shatner explores how different scores can give the same film a different meaning as an exasperated director, played by Richard Kind, leads a composer in multiple directions for a short film starring Kiernan Shipkaand Christian Coppola.
Songwriter Paul Williams performs his classic song "The Rainbow Connection," from The Muppet Movie, joined by various special guests from the Film & TV Music community.
Tony- and Emmy-winner and seven-time Oscar® nominee Marc Shaimanperforms an original song tribute to end title sequences.
MusiCares® COVID-19 Relief Fund was created by MusiCares® to provide support to the music community during the pandemic crisis. The music industry has been essentially shut down with the cancellation of music performances, events, festivals, conferences and the many other live events that are the cornerstone of the shared music experience. Since the fund's establishment in March, over 14,000 clients have been served, with many more still needing help.
Show co-creator Peter Rotter says: "When the pandemic tragically hit our world and began to shut down our film music community, I felt that something needed to be done to help those who were in need of support and care. Through MusiCares® we have found the charitable vehicle that can come alongside our hurting musical family.
"Music has always played a role in history; reflecting both the subtle and monumental moments of our lives through its unique DNA. Music connects each of us, acting as a common thread of unification, opening the hearts of all people.
"Regardless of the color of one's skin, status or station in life, music powerfully breaks through boundaries as its message permeates deep within us; healing our human frailties and condition at our cores. Music is transformative and personal. It powerfully underscores our lives."
"Music has always helped transport, uplift and inspire us through wars, economic hardships, health crises and societal upheavals," says show co-creator, Richard Kraft. "When COVID-19 hit, it threatened the lives and livelihood of much of our Film & TV Music community. So, we decided to create an online special that both celebrates the soundtrack of our lives and benefits, via MusiCares®, the artists who create it."
Starting June 25th at noon pacific, watch the video on Youtube via Rolling Stone, Variety & GRAMMY's channels, as well as on www.soundtracklives.com. Donate at soundtracklives.com now!
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fyexo · 4 years
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200815 SuperM on the Message of Forthcoming Album ‘Super One,’ Promotion During COVID
Almost a full year after releasing its debut EP, SuperM is back with a new single, the song “100,” ahead of a studio album, “Super One,” due out Sept. 25. The group, comprised of members Baekhyun, Taemin, and Kai, of seasoned K-pop groups EXO and SHINee, alongside Taeyong, Mark, Ten, and Lucas, of NCT 127 and WayV, was poised to break big in the U.S. market following their first release last October, the song “Jopping,” but the coronavirus pandemic had others plans.
Still, the group has found ways to stay active amidst the shutdowns of shows across the world and was the first band from from its label SM Entertainment to host an online concert for fans, experimenting with AR and engaging with viewers directly. Earlier this month, SuperM revealed a rollout schedule for “Super One,” which launches in earnest today with the release of “100.” Variety connected with the members via Zoom to chat about the group’s dynamic and how the full album came to be.
The SuperM show at the Forum in February was not long before the complete shutdown of live events in the U.S. How have you been passing the time the past several months?
Baekhyun: During this time, I worked on my solo album promotions and also worked on preparing for SuperM’s album. Aside from that, we’ve spent time resting at home and on hobbies. We were able to take this time to learn more about things we’re interested in, while also searching for ways to improve ourselves.
Speaking of solos, your EP “Delight” was a success earlier this year. How does it feel to be working together again after doing activities individually?
Baekhyun: It’s been a long time since we’ve all come together, so honestly, it’s been really fun. Recently we’ve been getting together daily due to our schedules, and I definitely am able to get more energy when we’re together compared to when promoting alone. I find myself being eager to work. We’ve been in a positive headspace.
You were among the first artists to stream a concert during COVID, for V LIVE’s “Beyond Live” series back in April. How was that experience?
Baekhyun: It was our first time doing something like that and to be featured on “Beyond Live,” so we didn’t know if many people would be interested, and we were unsure if we could properly deliver the energy that we’d like to. We had our concerns in the beginning, but they disappeared once it started. We did direct video chats and Q&As with our fans aside from just performing, so it felt more like a true fan event than a typical concert. It had more of a playful energy since we had the ability to engage with the audience directly. I personally really enjoyed it. I think we could build a stronger relationship with our fans if we added these elements to our live concerts in the future as well.
Your first full-length album, “Super One,” is out next month. Promoting your new album during this time is bound to be different from the typical promotion schedule that you are familiar with, but there are still ways to connect with fans using technology, whether that be virtual fan signings, FaceTime chats, etc. What are you looking forward to most with your album release?
Kai: Our plan is to do everything we can with the tools we have available. We want to try everything that’s out there to meet with our fans and we’ll definitely pitch in ideas to our promotions team to come up with a variety of different ideas. We like to create our own content and be involved in the process, so we’re working on ensuring that our fans can see different aspects of SuperM. We worked on this album for a long time and haven’t seen our fans for a long time, and on top of that, since the situation isn’t great right now for connecting in person, we plan on treating all of the tracks like title tracks and promoting them.
The teasers for “Super One” focus on individuality and self-reflection. How did the concepts for your individual teasers come to life?
Kai: The concepts for the teasers came out of important moments of our lives. Mine is rooted in dance and the thoughts I have about working as an artist. I think we were able to share our individuality and also how these individual thoughts come together for “Super One.”
Can you tell us about the message behind “Super One” as a concept for the album?
Baekhyun: The message for this album is based on hope and overcoming hardships together. Each individual teaser shows a struggle that is overcome so we can be happy as artists on stage. The message emphasizes that during difficult times, it’s important to reflect and identify what it is you’re good at and what you’re capable of, rather than dwelling. We came together as SuperM after spending time apart and you’ll notice that all the songs on the album convey a similar message. I think it’s great to be together again.
Kai: I think the biggest difference between promoting within our original groups versus within SuperM is the change in our roles. For me, I am one of the younger members in EXO, but in SuperM, I am suddenly a senior member with more experience. Taemin was also the youngest in his group, and Baekhyun has become a leader. [Laughs]
Baekhyun: [Shrugs] It just happened.
Kai: Taeyong is also the leader in NCT 127, but in SuperM, he is one of the junior members. I think with changes like this, there is a shift in energy. It’s definitely enjoyable to experience different roles while working as SuperM and it’s a fresh atmosphere. It’s also helped us become closer a lot faster.
Mark: We wanted to express how even though we’re all individually talented and have distinct qualities, we can come together as one to create “Super One.” When we’re together, we’re able to overcome hardships. That’s the main message for the album and you’ll see that in all of the tracks, there is that common theme of hope. We hope our fans can receive that positive energy.
For the tracks that we’ve performed but not officially released, our fans probably already know the songs, but it’ll be new for them to hear the studio versions, so I think they’ll definitely look forward to that. I remember the reactions to the new songs were positive when we were touring and they seemed to like them, so I can’t wait for them to hear the actual audio.
Have you given the younger members any advice now that you’re one of the senior members with more experience? Or on the other hand, can the junior members share any memorable advice they’ve received?
Taeyong: To be honest, rather than a piece of advice, the older members say and do a lot of things that help us relax and feel comfortable. For example, if we’re nervous before going on stage, they–
Taemin: “Be nervous”
Kai: We tell them to be even more nervous. Since we have to do well. [Laughs]
Taeyong: This is a good example. They make the mood fun and light while providing us with good energy.
Kai: They always do well, so there’s not much for us to say.
Are there any fun stories from behind the scenes of “Super One” that you can share with us?
Baekhyun: When we filmed “100,” there was a set that was made of optical illusions. I’m not sure if this will appear in the behind-the-scenes video for the music video, but on this set, when you move backward, you become larger, and when you’re in front, you appear really small, like a mini-me. I thought that was really cute and interesting to see. It’s the only time that Kai and I will appear to be the same height. [Laughs]
Is there anything else you’d like to share with your fans and Variety?
Taeyong: We have multiple music videos coming out, so I hope you all look forward to them all. We also hope everyone can continue to take care and keep healthy during these times.
This interview has been translated from Korean and edited for brevity and clarity.
Kristine Kwak @ Variety
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addierose444 · 3 years
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Back to Campus: Spring 2021
It has been 10 long months since I last stepped foot on the Smith College campus (or out of my home state for that matter). I am now officially back! Hooray! As I said in a recent post, I was prioritized for early arrival due to my job in ResLife as a Community Advisor. As I only just got here and am far from being settled in, this post is mostly just about the process. Hopefully this year I will actually post a room tour of sorts! (Last year, I literally only posted a photo of my emptied out room).  
Back in mid-December, I signed up for an arrival slot (2:00 on Friday the 22nd of January). I was so excited about returning to campus that I started packing quite a while ago. To make the packing process easier in the future, I created an extensive packing list. To read my college essentials guide, click here. On Friday, my dad drove me to Smith. Before returning to campus, we stopped by the house of some family friends to grab the rest of my dorm essentials. Since Massachusetts considers my state (Vermont) high-risk, I wasn’t allowed to move directly into my spring housing. At this point in time, Massachusetts and Hawaii are the only states with low-risk status. 
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My house, Parsons, has been using Discord for our virtual house community. You can read about the other apps I use in (remote) college here. As I was the first one on campus, I decided to keep my residents updated on the check-in and quarantine process. This was not part of my job in ResLife, but it definitely felt relevant to that work. Even though I am a returning student and in ResLife, I didn’t fully know what to expect and figured others would appreciate a student’s perspective. I was already planning on writing this blog post but decided to just compile my updates here. For starters, I didn’t see the need for a total rewrite. I also thought it would be a fun and different post style. Lastly, I think there is value in knowing what people are thinking in the moment rather than just reflectively. Note that my updates are written to my Parsons residents and weren’t edited to reflect the audience of this blog. I did add some additional images to this blog post, but most were also sent via Discord.
Friday @ 1:19
Parsons in real life! 
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Friday @ 4:07
Just a quick update. I have moved into my quarantine location and thought I would let you all know a little more about the check-in process from a student's perspective. All official information can be found in an email titled "IMPORTANT ARRIVAL INFORMATION". You basically just enter the CC, present your OneCard (unless you are a new student in which case you will receive yours), follow the arrows, and do what you are told. The whole process is quick and easy. The COVID test is painless (you can feel it though) as the swab doesn't need to go super deep into your nose like with other tests. While I strongly advise showing up at your scheduled time, if you are a little bit early, you may be able to check-in anyway. (I checked-in about 20 minutes early without an issue). The only hiccup I had was that I got the wrong room key (my correct room number but for Park House). As it's hard to hear people with masks on, be sure to check the envelope containing your room key and bracelet before leaving the ResLife table (to avoid going around the CC for a second time like I had to). I think check-in will only get better and even going around twice was still very quick and easy. If you have concerns and would like to talk to me about them, feel free to send me an email or direct message me here on Discord. As for moving things into Parsons, it was exhausting as no one was allowed to help me. When you arrive at Parsons, someone (possibly me) should be there to greet you (and make sure you don't stay over an hour). (Some of you may also meet me in the CC as I will be helping distribute keys). See you soon! 
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Friday @ 5:02
As for the quarantine location, I am currently quarantined in the Ellery Inn. The other location is the Fairfield Inn & Suites. You can get to either location by way of a free shuttle. (Your ticket is the bracelet you receive at check-in). Students sit far apart with masks, but I personally felt more comfortable having my dad drop me off at the hotel. It is also worth noting that both hotels are within walking distance. The bracelet is also important so that staff in the house know you are allowed to be there. (If you have approved guests (low-risk state), I think they also get bracelets). I haven't learned the whole color-coding system, but my bracelet is red and lists my Parsons and Ellery rooms. My quarantine room is actually really nice. I have a comfortable king-sized bed and my own bathroom. When you arrive you get a bag with a few snacks, water, activities from OSE, and general information (including the wifi password). I will keep you posted on the food situation as dinner is yet to arrive. I will momentarily post the menu that was in my welcome bag. Hopefully, these updates are somewhat helpful or interesting. Let me know if you have specific questions.  
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Friday at 5:15
Still waiting on dinner (to be delivered before 7), but here are the aforementioned snacks.
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Friday @ 5:34
Dinner! Will let you know how it is soon, but my roommate from last year has said "The chicken is very tender!". Basically what happens is the people delivering the food knock loudly on the door, announce "dinner" and leave paper bags outside your room. Breakfast for tomorrow was also delivered.
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Friday @ 6:18
I was initially quite worried about the food situation (during quarantine) as I am a picky eater and didn't get to choose the meal. (It's all based on the food preference form). The first dinner was much better than I feared. The chicken had flavor, was tender, and was fully cooked. The greens were also tasty. The potatoes could have used some ketchup but were pretty good when eaten with the chicken. I don't really like beets, so I just ate a few to try them. They didn't have much flavor but were well cooked. As for the cookies, they had good flavor but were very hard. Overall, I was unnecessarily worried about the food situation but am definitely excited to get out of quarantine to pick my own food among other things.
Friday @ 6:26
Tomorrow's breakfast! Looks pretty good other than the fact I hate bananas. I am most excited about the vanilla soy milk. I just don't get why we get plastic bottled water at each meal.
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Saturday @ 11:51
Lunch for day two in quarantine has arrived. Another gripe that I have is that we get a new full set of plastic silverware at each meal. It's the compostable kind, but I don't think it's going to be composted. So far quarantine is boring, but not that bad. There is a TV in the room with cable and Roku. Make sure you pack your quarantine bag carefully as you cannot leave your room until you get an official release email from ResLife. The rooms (at least mine) have a mini-fridge, so if you have food or medications that require refrigeration, not to worry. We got an email today saying that we will be released on Monday at the latest. I initially had the impression we'd get out on Sunday and yesterday it sounded like we may get out today. I am obviously hoping to get out sooner rather than later, but I'll just have to wait and see.
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Saturday @ 5:57
Dinner day two. Even though I have been busy with a French essay, I am definitely getting restless here in quarantine.
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Saturday @ 6:38
Yesterday's dinner was better than today's, but this one wasn't too bad. The tortillas were dry, so the meal was better and less messy without them. My main critique is that while the beef had good flavor, it was tough. I also think yesterday's greens were a little bit better. Here's what I got for tomorrow's breakfast. I am hoping to be released from quarantine tomorrow, but it could be as late as Monday. Quarantine releases are at noon or 4 pm.
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Sunday @ 9:15
I passed my initial COVID screening! (Still waiting on my official release email from ResLife). Just for a reference point, I took my test a little before 2 pm on Friday and got the results email at around 11 last night. (Basically, you get an email letting you know that the lab results are available and are given a registration code to set up your account).
Sunday @ 11:45
Well, I am still in quarantine, but at least lunch has arrived. Noon is fast approaching, so I might not be getting released until 4.
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Sunday @ 12:33
I finally received the official release email from ResLife!!! I can leave as soon as 1 pm and must be moved out by 4 pm. Like with arrival, there are shuttles every half hour. Starting tonight I will be ordering my food through the Grubhub app and picking it up myself. I also have another COVID test scheduled for tomorrow.
Sunday @ 1:17
I am officially back at Parsons! (I decided to walk instead of taking the shuttle). Feel free to continue asking questions, but I think this is the end of my arrival updates. See you soon!
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ailuronymy · 4 years
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Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 19-27 overview.
Meta analysis of Erin Hunter writing tropes and trends, courtesy of two acclaimed e-sports commentators: 
“[Erin Hunter is] like, we need these characters to seem smart, so they will be the ones to call out all the bullshit. But they [the writers] don't go, wait, why is the bullshit even happening, it doesn’t make sense, and then write something better in the first place. I guess because we read these books on such a meta level so often, it really feels like watching one person play ping-pong against themselves, but one persona needs to look good so the other persona keeps giving themselves wedgies at the table and holding the paddle the wrong way. Which is... less impressive overall than just watching a nice normal game of ping-pong.” - S.
“Erin Hunter, about to self-own: I'm gonna pull what's called a pro-gamer move,” - K.   
“Literally! I can’t get past it. I know both players are you, Erin Hunter. I can see you putting on your dunce hat and walking to the other end of the table. You’re not tricking me.” - S. 
This week we’re discussing this chapter through these nine questions. Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book.
1. First impressions?
K. Oh boy. Lots of emotions, lots of rollercoaster moments. I'm actively hating the things that are happening, all the time, forever.
S. Mood. I would say actively detesting what's happening is the primary emotion now.
2. How did you feel reading this section?
S. Very much bounced between anger and frustration, with moments of genuine delight. Very much extreme ends of the negative and positive spectrum.
K. I don't think I've been more confused and full of pure venom in my life. As a writer I am appalled, and as a reader I am... so uncertain. The good bits were truly lovely to read, though. They made it feel worthwhile, when they shone through.
3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?
S. I think it's got to be the conversation with Heatherstar and Barkface. I think that most hooked me. I was also interested with the Flailfoot conversation, although I hated the turn it took. It will be different in my version.
K. Chapter Twenty is the one that actively had me yelling aloud. I was so ready for the Erins to make Tallpaw a tunneller out of sheer fear, and so to see the back-to-back catharsis of Heatherstar disbanding the tunnellers and then Dawnstripe being so A+... god. It got me good.
4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?
K. I honestly blue-screened throughout all of Chapter Twenty-Seven, the last chapter. Without anything happening at all,  I saw a swathe of unending, dull descriptive text and my mind just blacked out to save me from comprehending any of it.
S. Was that the moonstone one?
K. Nope, that's like, the very last chapter of our reading. When he leaves the Clan and finds some rogue cat to lead him in the direction of a house.
S. Oh right. I forgot that too. I'm going to go with the Moonstone chapter, though. I fell asleep and dreamed of a better book for that whole time.
5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.
S. There were several things in this chapter I loved and that really resonated with my concept of Tallpaw and my writing. 
S. “He’d be a warrior soon, then a senior warrior like Hareflight. One day he’d be an elder, limping like Whiteberry and sharing stories from moons ago with his denmates. Above the vast sky stretched toward distant horizon. The Clan looked small and fragile beneath it. Was this it? His life laid out before him like an old story, told again and again through countless moons? Tallpaw’s chest tightened. Suddenly he felt trapped, as though he were in the tunnels once again.”
S. “A thought flashed in his mind. We’re just visitors, like the rogues. We arrive, we eat, we sleep, and then we move on to StarClan. The only difference was that Clan cats stayed in one place their whole life. I’ll only ever see heather and grass and sky. Tallpaw felt WindClan’s borders pressing closer.” I loved this kind of thinking showing up in the story, and I’d have loved way more of this and far far less of literally everything else. You could honestly cut out all of the Sandgorse angst and just lean into this, because it's good and it's real.
S. I also lost my whole mind at this bit: “They’re survivors, like you,” Barkpaw purred. They walked in silence for a while. Talltail gently steered his friend toward Outlook Rock.  “I love this view,” he mewed as he led Barkpaw out across the stone. Barkpaw peered into the night-shadowed valley. “Why? Everything is so dark and far away.”  Talltail sat down, beckoning Barkpaw to sit beside him with a flick of his tail. “Just wait.”  “For what?” The sky was growing pale as the sun pushed up toward the horizon behind them. Glancing over his shoulder, Talltail saw weak rays seeping through the bare branches of ThunderClan’s forest. “You’ll see in a moment,” he told Barkpaw.  As he spoke, the sun lifted above the trees. Sunlight swept the moor and lit up the tips of Highstones.  S. I was basically like fist-pumping. Canonical evidence that dawn is Tallstar's favourite time of day. I didn't know this before I wrote my other story, but damn it feels good. I love when things line up serendipitously like that. 
K.  Absolutely. Those felt so good to read. Not a very long passage, but: “How could his Clan be so unfeeling?” — This isn’t a galaxy brain take or anything, but I do love how evident it is that Tallpaw is just. Solidly projecting his own feelings onto everyone else. They’re not unfeeling, dog! You are!!
6. What themes have you noticed in this section? Are these themes a continuation of the themes you noticed in the first section, or has the story’s focus changed since then?
S. In the first chunk, I picked out "division" as a theme. And that feels very true still, as far as what's happening in the story. It's even more emphatic, with Palebird pushing Talltail out of her family (or so he feels, and with reason, in my opinion) and his self-imposed removal from the clan.
K. "Desire" might also be poignant for this section, actually. Talltail's desire to go off on his own, Barkface's desire for Talltail to be happy, so many other background characters doing something with their lives to have a new start (while Talltail broods).
S. Yes! I agree there. It's actually pretty interesting how the clan's unity in the face of tragedy and their kinship with the visitors is actually a big catalyst for Talltail to feel that division happening. The more together they are, the more apart he feels. I think desire is true of this too. There's--as always--a lot of emphasis on individuality, and choosing your own destiny and doing what you want.  It reminds me of that line from Hawkheart that I really liked, how every cat has to choose their destiny.
7. If you were going to learn a lesson from this section, what lesson would it be? What message stands out to you most clearly? Do you agree with it?
S. I think insofar as I can glean a lesson from this section, I'd go with learning from Heatherstar: sometimes it will be difficult to help people and they might resent you for it, but if you have the power to make a positive change, you should act, even though it's hard. S. That feels very appropriate, given the state of the world right now. So many people are angry that authority figures are telling them to stay home and prevent the spread of COVID, and are resenting the very people who are trying to save their lives. I can see that same issue playing out so clearly in these chapters, after the death of Sandgorse in the tunnels.
K. Absolutely. It's so, so easy to direct anger towards something or someone tangible, rather than accepting that there are things that Just Happen and there's nothing you can do about it.
K. I was going to say something very similar: the things you need to make yourself better aren't always the things you want to hear. So many people try to help guide Talltail away from his anger or towards other, much healthier ways of thinking -- all of them trying to tell him he doesn't HAVE to be a tunneler is one moment -- and he just HATES hearing it, every time. He doesn't want to accept it. It feels better to be in his emotions about it, even if that's most obviously the worst thing he could be doing for himself and for others. Sometimes you just have to let other people give you the honest to god vibe check and learn to put your heart down for a bit, to see what you need to see.
S. Definitely. I feel that getting better necessitates taking responsibility for yourself. It seems like Talltail is resisting that, maybe because it's difficult to be honest with yourself. If you try, you risk failing. And the problem with any kind of self-improvement or recovery is that it's overall made up of little moments of trying to be better every day. That's so much failure to face, it can feel insurmountable. Whereas one grand gesture of revenge? So much easier.  Anger is a motivating emotion, so if you stay in anger, you can often get things done. But anger is also an emotion that makes it harder to react with patience or think clearly. A double-edged sword, if you will.
K. Absolutely. Pinning "if I complete X Task, I will feel better and fix myself" on some big goal is way easier.
S. I think that's what's happening for him at this time. He's not willing to do the mundane, scary work of trying to be better each day, and is going for something he thinks will alleviate guilt instead. But of course it won't.
8. The title of this novel is Tallstar’s Revenge. How do you feel about that title so far? Does it reflect the content of the story well, or would you choose a different title? What alternative title would you suggest?
S. I personally feel the title sets up the story poorly. Because I knew it was hinged around revenge, I was alert and looking for it from the start. I was paying attention to potential betrayals or crimes, so on. And when I realised this extremely unlikeable awful character, Sandgorse, was the catalyst, I got real mad.
K. I don't even know what better title would work, since I'm honestly not very fond of the Super Editions titles. They just... all do the same, on-the-nose shit and it makes it very boring from the start.
S. I think if we were allowed to tweak it a little, The Forgiveness of Tallstar, would be a title I would potentially enjoy more. There's an ambiguity to it, re: who is being forgiven. Is it Tallstar who needs to be forgiven, or is it Tallstar doing the forgiving. And I think you could thematically tie that in so much better to the kinds of beats this story is already showing up.
K. The only like, quote from the book that I think you could mangle into a title is "We guard the edge of the world," which like... I dunno, having something like "On The Edge" included in there feels right. The book's obviously full of big tension and drama within Windclan, while also noting that they literally are on the fringe of Clan territory.
S. I think maybe Beyond the Edge of the World? Since that’s essentially where Tallstar’s journey takes him? 
K. Yeah!
9. Many of us read because we’re curious to find out what’s next. How has curiosity featured in your experience of this book? What’s motivated you to keep reading?
K. Hoo boy. Honestly, half of the reason I'm reading is just with crossed fingers that somehow, SOMEHOW, Talltail becomes better. I know he must. He has to.
S.  For me, curiosity is a big part of why I'm reading--and continuing to read--this book. I want to know what happens next! I'm just usually expecting not to like it.
Final notes:
K. I'm excited for Jake to show up, because I feel that'll help break up whatever the hell Talltail is doing. He needs an excitable twink to break him from the evil fog he's in. S. I don't know if Jake is a twink, honestly. K. Oh, very true. We do love a good himbo. S. He's a bit of a rolypoly boy, according to the wiki. K. OH, even better. K. I forgot that Talltail is the twink. S. He's just a long sad string bean.
K. I AM APALLED AT THIS TURN OF EVENTS, ERIN K. This book is… it’s like being consistently starved to death and then given like, a single apple slice and going ravenous for it. There are so many moments that FEEL great (even if they’re not miraculous, writing or content wise), almost solely because so many things that precede them straight up cause my reader brain to flatline. The despicable one-two punch of Chapter Nineteen into the handful of great moments in Chapter Twenty makes me feel like I’m being waterboarded by Erin Hunter. K. Erin Hunter, holding my head down into the waters of godawful content, before yanking me up for air to see Heatherstar and Dawnstripe saying Good Things just to shove me in again. S. I can't disagree with you. S. I genuinely had moments of going "yeah!!!" followed by "NO!!!" like that one John Mulaney skit.
S. Anyway, I'd like to start us off with a familiar old Erin Hunter classic theme, quoting my notes:  - "Is it even a Warriors novel without multiple birth scenes?" - "Oh excellent another peripheral birth scene, I felt that there wasn’t quite enough in this book so far" S. If I don't have multiple women moaning and/or shrieking and/or groaning from birthing pains in my Warriors novels, I'd be devastated. K. It'd break the immersion.
K. I am very happy to see Deadfoot on the scene though, even though he shows up for like. .5 seconds before he's gone. A very good and lovely baby boy. S. “Tallpaw turned back and tucked his nose under the black tom’s belly. “Hang on!” he warned, flipping the kit onto his shoulders. Tallpaw purred as the young kit dug his tiny claws into his pelt, and carried him over to his littermates.” uhhhh what the fuck K. YUP K. Y U P K. HEY ERIN S. Let me just uhhh toss this child like a sack of potatoes over my cat shoulder real quick. K. Tiny Tim over here S. I lost it. I'm like, you really don't care what cat bodies can do, do you?  K. Erin Hunter: hmmm what if we just pepper in some wack shit. Like, what if it's just. Nonsensical as fuck. Who's gonna tell us we can't? Harper Collins? S. And the answer is: of fucking course not, kitty kung fu time.
K. “You’ve turned mean, Tallpaw,” Reena spat. “ That’s why you’ve got no friends anymore. Whenever a cat comes near you, you bite their head off.” “So?” Tallpaw hissed. “At least I don’t kill them.” “See what I mean?” Reena’s gaze hardened. “Why don’t you talk to me once you’ve finished feeling sorry for yourself?” — God I love Reena, calling it like it is. S. Mood, but also: hate Erin Hunter for doing this to him, over Sandgorse. K. "Flailfoot is trying to reason for a Sandgorse Redemption Arc and I will NOT be having it, you LOSE sir, GOOD DAY," S. Note two from my notes page: "I DON’T CARE ABOUT SANDGORSE" S.  Gets abused by father. Father dies in what is objectively an accident caused by his own defiance and hubris. ??? Goes on a hateful revenge spiral to try and make daddy proud. K.  The worst part is that, unlike Bluestar's which was a fucking awful mess the entire way through, this one gives us just enough to show that the Erins are capable of like. SOMETHING. They can write okay things! They know what they're handing us is bullshit and they do it anyway! It's infuriating. S. From a writing perspective, it's kind of fascinating to see this all happen, because like. What a fucking horrorshow. S. Really feeling in this moment for the people who think Erin Hunter is a good writer. They're getting swindled on Sherlock is Garbage and Here's Why levels. S. Where's the secret good fourth episode, Erin???
K.  “Tallpaw’s wish to learn the skills that led to his father’s death shows true courage.” — HEATHERSTAR WITH THE PREMIUM ROASTS K. Followed by: image: “fuck them [tunnels]” K.  “Shrewpaw!” Dawnstripe glared at the apprentice. “Show some respect to your Clanmate.” Hareflight joined them. “Stop teasing him, Shrewpaw!” “This has gone beyond teasing!” Dawnstripe snapped. “If Shrewpaw were my apprentice, I’d claw his ears.” — HOLY FUCK, GET HIM K. The fact that nobody has noticed Shrewpaw using his claws during training is fucking ridiculous, though. He's done it the whole book, Erin. They would know. They would know. S. Admittedly don't love how everyone's concept of discipline is straight to violence, but we'll overlook that, I guess. K. I understand that like, bullying is something that can go unseen very often, but like. Come on, man. S. Yeah. It's like wearing knuckledusters to a playground fight. Hard to overlook.
S. It's what happens when your characters don't have internal worlds. They're just props standing there until you need them, not people watching and listening to what you're writing right in front of them. S. The problem with Erin Hunter's writing for me is that by this point it's hard to read their female characters generously. S. Most of the time I can go, "okay but if we pretend this woman is real, what rich inner world does she experience?" and try to pick up where lazy writers leave off, but like... Erin Hunter's characters are so vapid. K. It's horrible to read. It's just the worst. S. Not just the female characters, but especially the female characters. And I hate it. K. I'm genuinely surprised that Dawnstripe and Heatherstar haven't been mangled already, but honestly, half of my rage at this book comes from their moments, because it shows that the Erins know exactly what they're doing and how bad this fucking plot is. K. Two major background characters are constantly talking about how things Should Not Be The Way They Are, and it just makes me wanna bang my head on a wall. I know you can see the elephant in the room, Erin. You know this. You know the bad things you're making. S. I genuinely feel that’s why they do it. They make bad plots because it’s easier to make certain characters seem smart or likeable if everyone’s a rude idiot.  S. They’re like, we need these characters to seem smart, so they will be the ones to call out all the bullshit. But they [the writers] don't go, wait, why is the bullshit even happening, it doesn’t make sense, and then write something better in the first place. S. I guess because we read these books on such a meta level so often, it really feels like watching one person play ping-pong against themselves, but one persona needs to look good so the other persona keeps giving themselves wedgies at the table and holding the paddle the wrong way. K. FUCK, THAT'S EXACTLY IT S. Which is... less impressive overall than just watching a nice normal game of ping-pong. K. Erin Hunter, about to self-own: I'm gonna pull what's called a pro-gamer move, S. I just can't get past it. S. I know both players are you, Erin Hunter. I can see you putting on your dunce hat and walking to the other end of the table. S. It makes it really hard to sink into the story. Whenever something stupid happens, I'm brutally yanked out of the narrative, and it's happening constantly at this point, because of the direction they're taking Tallpaw. S. I've tried to like, put that aside and imagine his perspective, but it's so challenging for me to envision an experience where I'm a nice boy on a moor with an idiot backwards dad who bullies me and tries to control my life with emotional manipulation and disregard for authority, and then he dies of the thing everyone was saying was super dangerous and off-limits, and then I lose my mind because I didn't make him proud while he was alive (which he's not anymore, because of tunnelling) so I need to do the thing that killed him (which is tunnelling). S. Tallpaw can't be smart and also have this characterisation for me. It's too incongruent.
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b-and-willie · 4 years
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Let’s Try This Again( with the completed post this time) Complications of Loathing What You Need
I know, I disappeared, and most likely will again. Serious interaction on blogs (re mine) seems to be severely lacking so there seems to be very little reason to plug on and share intimate posts publicly.
So why now? Well actually I write this post almost 2 years ago, and life has a funny way of putting us back in places we need to fix over and over again until we get it right. To be frank I highly doubt I could compose a post these days. I'm rusty in so many areas.  Covid life has put a hit on our dynamic yet it shouldn't because we have more time together- too bad our minds seem to have a constant drum in the background that seems to drown out much of our desires at the moment....
Anyway I read in a comment about a month ago something to the affect of " I read blogs sometimes and think of how sad people's lives are".  I am sure the person commenting didn't mean it as a damaging comment.  I want to point out before I continue trying to resurrect my morning's post in my mind again a few things.  I would hope that no one reads my posts and feels sad for me.  I will say that despite the struggles Barney and I have encounter since and even because of starting ttwd,  it has changed me in ways I will never ever be sorry for.  I will admit at times it seems to have caused strife between the two of us, but as I have said before, ttwd is more of a magnifier of issues that already exist more than it is a problem unto itself.  Ttwd has allowed me to unearth myself;my true, authentic self, and even in the future if for some reason we can no longer live this lifestyle that knowledge and feeling will never be taken away.
Yes it has bettered our marriage but often not in ways I read about here and there.  Sure sex is more frequent and more creative.  But honestly that is a byproduct of me being less guarded and allowing intimacy into our lives.  Anyway, that isn't why I wrote this morning.  I wrote this morning because of a few things I was reflecting on in the past 24 hours.
The first being....
Loathing What You Need
Such an ominous title right?  Here's the thing, I do LOATHE what I need.  This isn't a post about questioning my need for submission ( though one might argue it could be one questioning my sanity).  I don't fault anyone out there that is currently questioning their need for submission, I have been there countless times, but thankfully that ship has sailed! One LESS complication in my life.
No I mean I loathe the things I have to do to cultivate and maintain my submissive heartset.  Do I enjoy being spanked? HELL NO!  I mean not even a reset-though slower to start therefore easier to take in the long run it isn't a fun adventure.  Barney has and will employ BDSM tactics(?) to achieve a certain level of resetting as well.  And while I endure and my body often betrays me to indicate I enjoy it, it isn't something I crave. ( Though I am not a huge fan of 'vanilla' sex...I am more referring to the slight torture aspect lol). What I do crave is the power exchange that is created in both of these scenarios.  Do I find it 'yummy' to be told to get on my knees, or kneel- nope.  Do I find it enjoyable to wearing a plug while vacuuming, kneeling on pebbles in a freezing corner, being told to get off the computer, eat this, don't eat that, wear this, phone me if you want to have a drink/buy something/leave the house ...blah, blah, blah....Can't say I do.  No doubt my face generally indicates that as well.  BUT what I do enjoy is the benefits of doing these things- um more than the relief that I might be punished if I don't.  The benefit of, for whatever crazy reason, keeping  me unguarded.  The benefit of being constantly in my husband's 'cross hairs'.  The intimacy that is created because I have submitted to his wants, especially because I don't WANT to do them.
This isn't to say that when life is grand in the Submissive World of Willie, that I can't enjoy some aspects of submissive acts.  Some things, chore lists etc, actually become more meaningful for me.  Some days that meaning might just be that I accomplished them despite myself! lol . It also doesn't mean that I don't anticipate the needs of my husband without prompting as I do enjoy that but to me that isn't submission.
Do I have thoughts during the day like, " Well I wish he'd just ....."  yes, yes I do.  Now how confusing is that? I loath doing it, but please tell me to do it.  (Of course it goes without saying the fact that he SAYS those 'things' need to be done is a large part of the process as well)  Those of you out there that can follow my crazy rant here would probably understand it for what it is.  For me it is the end goal feeling, not the things I need to do to get me there that is the reason for the submissive acts.  I understand that there are subs out there that LOVE and Crave the acts themselves, for what they are. And I am generally a people pleaser so there is that too. But I mean  they love it, and I say "Good on you!"  I think sometimes life would be so much better and easier for Barney if I did just gleefully spring into action EVERY TIME.  I don't.  As Barney said, " You are 100% submissive - 95% of the time". It is the 5% that he tends to see now.
(Here is the don't feel sorry or 'sad' for me portion of the post )
The last month has probably been one of, if not the most difficult months in my entire life.  I know it has been THE most difficult month in the last 21 years.  There are a number of factors which have contributed to this outstanding statement,but in truth the hows or whys really aren't important.  It will be a very long time for some factors to be removed, and IF other factors can be fixed they will take a long while with a lot of work as well.  I am generally not one who can sit by and wait for life to work itself out, or to watch on the sidelines- sadly some of these situations require just that.
The one thing I can actively work on is our relationship.  It has taken a direct hit, and in some ways there was no avoiding it as focus had to be put in other areas emotionally.  However in doing so it created a situation where my submissive self became barricaded deep inside.  The dial was switched to Personal Survivor Mode.  See the big issue there?  PERSONAL....not exactly a great word to use in conjunction with ttwd dynamic.  So locked was this dial on the Personal Survivor Mode station, things Barney used to see as indications that I wasn't where I needed to be became a bone of contention.  Resentment.  The dreaded word of any relationship! Why didn't I JUST DO IT??? Were his thoughts.  It is my need after all why don't I just do it?
I was talking to a dear OLD friend last night.  We  often discuss various things but last night was a different kind of conversation, probably due to sheer emotional exhaustion on both our parts. We started discussing our submission in a way perhaps we haven't in a while.  One thing she mentioned to me in reference to something else was, the fact of how fortunate we were to " have experienced the benefits and beauty of submission".  A light went off in my head this morning thinking of that (yeah I'm a bit slow these days).  That is what has been missing these past few months.  Right before the house of cards started crumbling down around us, we had had a pretty wonderful week.  Unfortunately the pressure one felt coupled with and because of  the fulfillment of the other, seemed to cause issues immediately after said week.  I felt deeply during that week.  I felt free and myself again, even though I did screw up, and question myself as to why.  I felt it.  I felt the benefits and beauty of it.  I was once again A submissive not merely BEING submissive (and that is okay if you identify as the latter- I don't mean to put a public hierarchy on it, I am only referring to my personal feelings of self).
For the last while,and again somewhat due to life circumstances, I haven't felt fulfilled in or with my submission.   This morning I was punished, sigh AGAIN, which you know is part of the deal right? It was physically a challenging punishment to take as I had been severely punished yesterday and that had yet to leave me.  The severity wasn't due to  my act that got me punished but because of my 'act' WHILE being punished.  If you are new here or you know forgot- I tend to be a bit of a hard head which later in the day after my bravado wears off and my butt thaws is NEVER a good thing.  After my punishment I was told to reflect on how I was currently feeling and tell Barney when he asked.
Okay ladies and gents this is generally NOT a good thing for us! LOL.  At least not of late.  Barney should really know by now that he shouldn't ask questions he doesn't really want to hear the answer too! My response was I felt resentful.  I was punished and I deserved to be based on our dynamic.  I am not denying that.  I felt resentful because I feel like maybe he is putting me in a position to force his hand- literally.  He is trying to get us back on track.  He is being consistent with punishments, but for me, the punishment is a result of something else not working, or being acknowledged.  Please don't take this for me BLAMING Barney for my actions....though I suppose it does sound like that doesn't it? These are actually  his words from the not so distant past.  These punishments are isolated incidents.  Without his active dominance after, there is a void.
I never tested Barney when we started ttwd.  I know I have mentioned that countless times.  I am no saint.  I just didn't do it because he said if he ever thought I was testing him, he would end our dynamic.  I guess that stuck with me.  Have I 'poked the bear'?  Yup.  And as I have also said, I didn't test him because I was afraid that he would 'fail' and then where would I be?  In addition to that, for years I loved just doing what was required of me.  That along with self analysis was enough to help me discover who I was deep down.  But as life changes, and discoveries are made complications arise.  We are all organic in nature as are our relationships.  Those who choose not to continually adapt may eventually fail.  ( If you are married to a pain in the butt like me )
In the past, though not often with a grand amount of consistency, red flags would go up if I was being punished.  Honestly I am an emotional creature (shut it) and punishments often are not a deterrent for me.  What I mean to say is 'in the moment' I tend to forget that my butt is going to fry, or I will be unplugged (electronically) because of my words or actions.  Naturally over time Barney began to see punishments as being a failure on his part because to him I am not fearful of them (ask me right before on day two and see how NOT fearful I am of them).  I now fear the red flags are not being seen, just the red ass.  The building on dominance from the ultimate dominant situation, has been missing. (Save today, but I had already started to write, so just go with me on this one).
As I stated earlier, when situations arise and we find ourselves where we currently are, I tend to see things as isolated events.  One event not really connecting to another.  Barney tends to fixate on one 'type' of dominance during these times.  For example punishments and reactions. However, when things are running as smoothly as they can here
(pretty much as smoothly as this)
Barney can multitask in his domination.  Though punishments are rare in that 'euphoric' state...lol
Here's the thing....there are so many conflicting messages being transmitted out by me...even 5 years in.  
I need this, but I hate aspects of  it
I want you to make me, but I don't want to do it...but I will because I want to.
Make it your own, but don't forget how it affects me
Consistency with punishment is required for effective results- but it isn't all about reacting and punishments
Cultivate but ....
And when we are in a good place, these messages don't seem to be so loud, but when we go off course, everything seems to cause hurt, frustration, and the world's worst secondary emotion- anger!
All of these things of course can be talked about.  The issue really becomes not only putting it into practice, but a practice that BOTH can see.
The issue with 'falling off of the wagon' is the interpretation of the past.  What if one is clinging to the successes while one is clinging to the failures?  What if the one clinging to the successes is also affected deeply by the failures, and is holding back moving forward because of it, yet indicates that the other SHOULD just push through?
YUP....clear as mud.
We are fine (yes the dreaded word).  Barney is holding true to what he currently can.  To be honest it is me.  I am the issue.  I can go on and on as to the whys I believe I am the hold out but I'm not entirely sure that would be helpful.  After all it would only be my interpretation of events.  So the whys to me (for once in my life) aren't as important.  I have to just put one foot in front of the other and follow along- doing the best that I personally can.  But there is the issue, can/ want/ need....sigh what if some of it I loathe and after so long of not believing it mattered if I did or didn't-( you know "If a tree falls in a forest..." )how do I convince myself I should; that it will matter? At the very least to me once again?
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thesinglesjukebox · 4 years
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LADY GAGA WITH ARIANA GRANDE - RAIN ON ME
[7.21]
A collaboration of two raining pop stars...
Wayne Weizhen Zhang: When was the last time you felt queer joy? a friend recently messaged me. It's not the only message that I've gotten like it, coming from someone reflecting on how hard it is to find love in our queer identities when the spaces and support networks we've spent our adult lives creating are no longer easily accessible. Lockdown is hard for everyone, but queer people have it especially rough. I have friends who chose to stay alone rather than return to uncomfortable family situations; friends who chose to find shelter in other countries rather than go home; friends in nominally progressive, loving environments who still feel constantly micro-aggressed against. Due to COVID, I've been forced to live with my parents for four months now, during which time we've managed to avoid a huge confrontation about my sexuality--but I still feel so lonely and unseen. "Rain on Me," however, sees me. This song is big and dumb and flawed, and probably designed as fan-service, but it is so, so gay. The more-is-more sound, the delightful camp aesthetic of the promos, the millions of memes, the outrageous Chromatica merchandise are all as extra as I wish I could be. For God's sake, at one point, Ariana literally sings the words, "Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in." Two of the biggest gay icons in the world coming together to sing about their traumas in the pouring rain would have been cathartic pop under any circumstances, but under these, it feels like nothing short of triumphant, torrential queer joy. [9]
Tobi Tella: For the Gay Event of 2020, that beat drop is cribbed right from 2013. The two work well together, and the result is hard not to like, but I'm also finding it hard to love. [6]
Will Adams: "Stupid Love" worked as a return to form for the maximalist Gaga of yester-decade. "Rain On Me" works even better for the sweet surprise at how much energy she injects into filter house, a genre whose recent re-emergence has often felt lifeless. The growl she adds to the "RAIN on me" that punctuates the instrumental break does plenty on its own. The presence of Grande and the alternate chorus at the very end implies that there could have been more but what was left on the cutting room floor doesn't really matter when the final 3-minute product is this electrifying. [8]
Joshua Lu: At times "Rain on Me" feels like two separate dance tracks spliced together: one with Lady Gaga's hefty vocals serving as the backbone for a groovy instrumental, and another with Ariana Grande's lithe voice adroitly dancing on the pounding synths. Either can succeed on its own, but when they mix, they hamper one another. It's most evident on the bridge, where Ariana's breathy delivery clashes with Gaga's campy deep voice, which shouldn't be used there regardless -- hearing it for an entire section makes it less powerful when it pops up as the pre-chorus. [5]
Edward Okulicz: This Lady Gaga single is okay to pretty good, but the chorus is basically just "Rain Over Me" by Pitbull. [6]
Scott Mildenhall: Not everything has to be "Telephone," but Gaga's statements about "Rain on Me"'s personal significance hit home how run-of-the-mill the song feels compared with something so conceptually walloping. The deep personal connection Gaga felt with Grande is sadly inaudible, and the boldest it all gets is with her spoken delivery of the title, an appreciably camp touch in a song that is content and perhaps correct to colour within the lines, however brightly. [7]
Katherine St Asaph: Did not expect my first thought upon hearing a Gaga song to be Shut Up Stella. This shrinks a bit after hearing Chromatica, which has more massive tracks. [6]
Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Gaga and Ari are pop music's two greatest theater kids. Every note, every line on "Rain on Me" is perfectly calibrated to demonstrate this, to make clear their skill at acting out the role of the pop star. The musical frame of the song is sturdy enough (it's not "Fade" or "Electricity" in terms of '90s house pastiche, but it grooves deeply enough to not seem lightweight), but "Rain on Me" is driven by their performances. It's most obvious on the song's bridge, where the combo of Gaga's imperial declarations and Ari's upper register meld together in kitschy glory. "Rain On Me" isn't a perfect song-- it's a bit underwritten, and the water metaphors don't fully come together-- but it's a near-perfect performance. [8]
Ryo Miyauchi: "I'd rather be dry, but at least I'm alive." It's a hook that's surely, and most likely unintentionally, informed by post-COVID life, but it also reminds me of the apocalyptic pop that flourished about a decade ago when dubstep was in full swing. That subgenre's structure still lives on at a elemental level, with the chorus devoid of lyrics, just now swapped for a chic, Justice-style electro-house. While any hint of doom might be more the beckoning of the current time, Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande's eager sense of abandon taps into now as much as it does to a recent past, and I hope it will speak to us in a similar way in the future when our world seems to be collapsing again in whatever context. [7]
Jessica Doyle: The more I listen to this the less it hangs together. Is the rain heartbreak or guilt? Is Lady Gaga the victim of it or using it for her own destructive ends? (Rain can be healing; tsunamis never are.) Why does she throw that cold, commanding "Rain. On. Me." refrain into a song that's supposed to be about vulnerable acceptance? And why isn't it "I'd rather be drunk, but at least I'm alive"? (Darn it.) I'll cede some power to the image of Gaga and Ariana Grande, both wounded and relatably self-aggrandizing, stomp-dancing around together in the rain, but stripped of pop-gossip context the song won't stick around. [5]
Leah Isobel: Lady Gaga is pop Jenny Holzer. She doesn't write lyrics, she writes slogans. I'D RATHER BE DRY, BUT AT LEAST I'M ALIVE isn't quite on the level of I WANT YOUR WHISKEY MOUTH ALL OVER MY BLONDE SOUTH, but the contrast between her severe consonants and Ariana's airy open vowels provides enough scaffolding that it works anyway -- and it doesn't hurt that the bass hurtles around that line like a Ferrari. If Gaga's oeuvre is a monument to the power of sheer determination, "Rain on Me" is what happens when she wills her sadness into release, her trauma into mere prelude; it's American pop myth-making at its purest. In that sense, it's an old-fashioned kind of triumph. [8]
Oliver Maier: Lady Gaga is too much of an auteur to really relinquish control. This is why her me/us-against-the-world cowboy songs suck, because she is at her best when she rules the reality that the music inhabits. On the strongest of her imperial-era singles, desperation and desire are either crystallised into museum exhibits or performed with such dark melodrama that they feel more like elaborate theatre for which she plays both director and lead role. "Rain On Me" is about giving in and letting herself cry, but the drop hinges critically on the spoken command that opens the floodgates; it's catharsis issued with total precision. Ariana, the reigning pop queen of emotional honesty, is at home on her confessional verse and then, having run out of stuff to do, sticks to ornamentation (it's funny that she gets a "with" credit for what is very much a "feat."). There are smart decisions -- the compact runtime, the way that the aqueous filtering drives the imagery home -- and then there's the simple, house-beats-go-brrrrr monkey brain joy of dance music that sounds this sure of itself; what it's doing, where it's going, how hard it slaps. [8]
Alex Clifton: Was this designed to get me through my next run? Through the next time Louisville is pelted by rain for days at a time? Through the pandemic? I'm not sure, but I've sold my soul to Gaga and Ariana for the above reasons and am more than happy with the results. [8]
Jackie Powell: I didn't really understand how this collaboration was going to work until I remembered the similarities that Grande and Gaga share. Besides the obvious that both are Italian, both have witnessed trauma in real-time and in front of the world. "Rain On Me" is a conversation that manifests in the music itself but also in all of its accompanying media, such as promotion its Robert Rodriguez-directed video. The moment when Lady Gaga pulls the knife out of her leg is purposeful Right as Gaga forcefully hauls the knife out of her thigh, Grande begins her verse. We can't move through pain and trauma alone; that invitation into conversation and togetherness is part of the healing. The melody of "Rain on Me," which I'm assuming was written mostly by Grammy-winning Nija, was orchestrated as an internal battle-cry that is designed to be spouted out. Gaga begins singing as we expect her to, with a deep darker belt in her sweet spot. But once we hit the pre-chorus goin into the chorus, she switches into bright head voice, which is where we expect Grande to be. Ari then sings deep in her chest, around the pre-chorus and into the chorus. There's a pattern. During the bridge, they switch again, and then again in the outro. As to what's going on with Gaga and her vocal fry in that bridge and the last phrase of the chorus, some say it's just classic Gaga, The Fame Monster Gaga. While that's correct, she uses it as a tool with multiple functions. It serves as a "c'mon let's go to #Chromatica" statement, but it's also a transition that facilitates the journey. It sets up the glorious bassline that not only explodes into the ears, but was directly interpolated from Gwen McCrae's "All This Love That I'm Giving." But back to the pre-choruses: They give the listener the track's thesis and its heart. In the first pre-chorus when Gaga belts that she's ready for the rain, she's not fighting it anymore. All of that emotion is happening. The second pre-chorus is the reformation of the feeling. It's not comfortable, but we need to just let it out, let it fall, and let it be felt. "I'm ready. Rain on me." [10]
[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]
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suzannesfloral · 4 years
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5 Books That Inspired Me to Start My Business
These five books are not all directly related to business, but they are directly related to why I started my business. You can order all these books from Powell’s and help Portland’s legendary independent bookstore recover from Covid-19.
5.Side Hustle: From Idea to Income in 27 Days
By: Chris Guillebeau
It can be really hard to know where to start. This book helped me to get my mind turning in a business oriented way. It gave me very practical exercises to help me generate ideas and get creative about my strengths. As someone who was already working long days of overtime at a steady job, it was helpful to have some tangible laid out steps that could be conquered during my “off-time”. I did not follow every tip given in this book, but it mostly helped me move ideas from a hope into an action. 
4. I Am Malala: The Story of the Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban
By Malala Yousafzai, Christina Lamb
This book has nothing to do with business. When the Taliban took control of the Swat Valley in Pakistan, Malala Yousafzai refused to be silenced and fought for her right to an education. At fifteen years old Malala was shot in the head at point-blank range and at 16 she has recovered and was the youngest person to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Malala and I are the same age and when I read her memoir at eighteen she became my role model. It brings tears to my eyes now as I think about the first time I read this book and felt the deep gratitude in my heart for all the freedoms I have taken for granted. Her words do not illicit guilt, but they instead call women to rise to our incredible capacity. It showcases “...parents who have a fierce love for their daughter in a society that prizes sons.” 
Of course starting a floral business does not involve the same risk that Malala took by any means, but her example of bravery is pinned in my mind as a reason to never let fear stop me. Her voice reminds me that as a woman with free access to education and opportunity, I have an obligation to use every chance I can to create more opportunity for others.
3.Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead  
By: Brené Brown
This book is not directly related to business, however it can apply to any area of your life. Brown talks about different shackles that shame puts in our lives and breaks it down into something tangible, so that we may better learn to address it. I was deeply impacted as she explained how we can disengage from our lives when facing uncertainty, risks, hurt, and fear. She calls us out in this book to face life with vulnerability and engage with our whole hearts. 
    The title is inspired by a famous Theodore Roosevelt quote:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
2.Show Your Work!: 10 Ways to Share Your Creativity and Get Discovered 
By: Austin Kleon
This book showed me that I needn’t already have a full, beautiful portfolio to start this dream. It put into words why I feel connected to some creators and disconnected to others. In a world where perfectionism is glorified it reminded me how honesty and vulnerability are like a breath of fresh air. Kleon illustrates simple ways to practically draw attention to one’s work,  while also emphasizing the importance of developing one’s personal style - which has been so helpful to me since I am largely self taught. I always thought (who am I kidding, I still fall into the mindset trap at times) that if I don’t know everything then no client would trust me or think I was professional (who am I kidding, I still fall into the mindset trap at times). This is not true. Sometimes people are even more engaged with a journey than a product. 
1.The Invention of Wings
By: Sue Monk Kidd
Discussing floral work may seem largely unrelated, indeed trivial, compared to this title by Sue Monk Kidd,  but I intend for my business to reflect my values so I must include the titans which have helped shape them. This novel takes place in the early eighteen hundreds when an eleven year old girl named Sarah was given ownership of a ten year old girl named Handful. Throughout the book it juxtaposes their individual experiences growing up in South Carolina.
The book changed me in a few different ways, but in relation to this post there was a line from the character Handful directed to Sarah stating, “My body might be a slave, but not my mind. For you it’s the other way round.” This line caused me to confront the privileges I have as a white woman. I had to really ask myself what is holding me back and how I can build something to help lift up those around me. My heart breaks for all the injustice that has happened and is happening around race.
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