An Open Letter to the Man Who Will Never Read It
I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish by writing this. And I have that sinking feeling that I still won’t know after everything has been said and done. Maybe this won’t accomplish anything, and it’ll turn my own life upside down. Regardless of the outcome, I know it really doesn’t matter at this point because my life has clearly gone down a road where we might not meet again. As of writing this, this is a truth I still need to come to terms with whether I like it or not. I can’t say that I haven’t had my eye on you. Granted, I had eyes almost everywhere, so people were keeping tabs on you whether I wanted it or not. And of course, I didn’t want that to be the case as time went on. I genuinely want to forget about everything that’s happened, but obviously I can’t because the purpose of this memoir is solely on our story during that point of our lives.
I can safely say why I’m writing this, but I’ll probably never be able to answer the “what am I trying to accomplish with this?” because nothing really matters in the end. It happened, we can’t change how it turned out, and now we’re just living with the consequences of our actions. I’m sure you’re living your best life wherever you are, but as I write this, I’m just now starting to dig my way up from the hole I dug myself into. I’ve only recently started “living” my life, and that’s all because I decided to change jobs. Now, I have all this time to myself but with no clue on what to do about it. I have a few ideas on what to do, but so far, I’m at the “humble beginnings” stage of this new life I’ve carved for myself. It’s not so bad thankfully, but I know I could be doing better with myself. It’ll take some time, but I’m confident that I can navigate through this. I know I’m not alone in this life, and I’m fortunate for that. But this is one of those instances where I have to traverse alone because frankly, the ones that initially knew about our story have a genuine disdain for you. And rightfully so since your ass still owes me an apology. I’m still living life without it though so it’s not like I desperately need it to live.
I’m not stating all this solely for the possibility that you’ll eventually find this and read it for yourself. This has been something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest and process it, and this just so happens to be the medium I decided upon to finally process this part of my life. Art has been ruined for me, and I can’t seem to pick it back up like I once did in high school. But writing seems to be my only safe haven that’s been untouched by expectations from an overbearing father. And if writing is eventually ruined for me, I know I’ll find another mode of expressing how I feel. It’s just time-consuming since I’d have to go through the trouble of seeing what works, cutting out what doesn’t work, and so on.
I guess this is just the long version of “this is my truth, whether everyone likes it or not.”
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Things you SHOULD do when you kiss me:
Push me against the wall/door
Gently grab my chin and make me look into your eyes
Grab my waist and pull my body against yours
Caress my cheek
Pull my hair
Put your hand in the back pocket of my jeans
Bite my lip
Put your arms around my neck
Tease me
Look at me with those eyes of yours, that naughty look of yours is irresistible
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