*concludes that I don't have a sort of crush on someone anymore*

few weeks later

*has a good conversation with them about moralities and personal things*

realization

ah fuck I still like em like that.

the only reason I forgot in the first place was cause we had not had a deeper conversation like that. I honestly think it is because they stopped being up late. Cause of timezones there was a period of time where late-night "deep" conversations couldn't happen cause when it's never later than 6 or 7 you can't get there mentally. or at least I know that I can't. I feel like my anxiety is less bad at night because my body has less energy to be anxious. The lack of anxiety is what causes me to open up more at night. Since conversations similar to this were happening less and less is what caused me the get over it more or less. The reason I like em is cause I like who they and these types of things show what they truly think and who they are. In a way, I lost sight of this part of who they are as a person which honestly sucks. I would only see their casual day to day (who id like to add I still like), but with only seeing that I forgot what caused me to like them in that matter in the first place. Since I remembered all of this I'm right back down the rabbit hole of oh shit I think I like them. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if they'd like me in that way or if id even want to date them for that matter. This whole mess has caused much confusion. Part of the reason for my hesitancy is that even tho its not the most practical thing to do I can't help to think long term. They live far away for one which isn't an issue in itself, I just don't know how I'd deal with not being able to see someone in person while dating. Though if we would date odds are it wouldn't be forever, the fact that they have no proper plan or goal makes me nervous. I know that shouldn't be the most important thing considering we're teenagers, but subconsciously my brain is saying "oh no don't date them they have no future" which is something that shouldn't be so important to me as a 16 year old. Writing it out and seeing it in text does quite make it better or worse. I do think it has helped in some way. it kinda made me feel better about it and I more clearly feel that yes I do like him and yes i.. wait shit. I almost forgot about my actual fucking partner. one who I love so dearly with all of my heart. I wouldn't know what id do without them. now that I've taken a second to tangent back to where I was. how would that affect us? especially since that their already their partner. it wouldn't be bad, it's sure as hell would be different, and I don't know if I would want any change with our relationship. Im so incredibly happy with how our relationship currently is I don't know if I would want anything about it to change. I know change happens and I can accept it and what comes with it the only thing is that this would be brought on voluntarily with the knowledge that this would change something. and I don't know if I would want to bring that upon myself and especially Miki. this would not be a bad change I do know that. its just the difference I don't know if I would want that. it may not be great and I know all change has its risks, but I don't know if this one would be worth it. itd be one hell of a conversation to have with them, and I don't know how to approach them or if I even want to. This is not to say that id does this behind their back, id never do that. its just the process as a whole I guess just kind of scares me. I guess one thing I could do is just say changes that would most likely happen if dating were to occur, I think when it is just me and Miki together nothing would change much, at least I don't think so. so with the three of us I guess.. now that I think about it not a ton would change in that manner as well huh. I defiantly talk to him more one on one but that'd be a good thing. hmm, maybe I should have written this down sooner. I've been overthinking it yet not thinking into it at the same time. well, that's hell. I guess the last and in a way, the most important factor would be if he likes me in that way. There's no easy way to tell. To be frank I haven't seen him interact with good friends of his

that he would even think about dating. Most people he's already dating, not close to at all, or it would be weird/inappropriate to date. Making it so I have no reference with how our interaction would differ from most. Honestly, best case scenario, he admits how he feels about me, but that's a chance thing for sure. I guess if I don't feel like I can outright say it the best way to find out about how he feels would be to try to get him to say things that would imply how he feels about me. Hopefully away from a joking manner cause, ya know jokes lol. There is a solid chance I'm gonna end up staring at my ceiling thinking about this tonight. Now that I think about it, it's kinda ironic that the conversation I had early tonight with him my partner and someone who I just met today who I'm really just eh about is partly what sparked this again. The whole in a way you get to know someone the most authentically through the internet. I am saying this only when the relationship is based on talking through voice calls over a longer period of time. You get to know someone for their personality, opinions, beliefs, and thoughts without the first impressions of their appearance. You take into consideration their appearance much less and to make that strong a bond with someone without even touching them really says something about how strong that relationship is. That's why I'm hesitant to people at first. You can't tell who they really are till you know them better. and then and only then will I trust them. After that trust exists me opening up happens more or less by chance. it depends on my mood, people around, amount of people around, and the current topic. This is cause unless something is greatly bothering me I just tend to not talk about it. Which I'm aware isn't the best and I think I'm working on it. I am going to therapy for that matter. And he is one of those people who I do trust. He's someone that I can just be in a VC with only the two of us and not feel anxious. I trust him and I feel like he's someone I can always be honest with. It's almost ironic that I feel all of this yet I'm not telling him. I hope that one day something will occur between the two of us. I kinda want to tell him now. With all of it written down, I feel more secure with how I feel and more organized and clear mentally. The only thing is I should probably talk to Miki first. and I don't know how id do that. I don't even know if I told them I might be poly. god, that conversation makes me more nervous than the act of actually fucking telling him I like him. oh shit, I just realized if he doesn't know I could be poly would he even tell me if he likes me? eh who knows, I sure as hell know I don't. I'm debating on putting the name of the blog hidden in my bio. In a backward way, I want someone to see this and I know at this moment in time there is quite literally no way for someone to find it. You know what I'm gonna put it there for now and a few days later ill freak out and take it back out. Well, I think that's it for tonight. pheww