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#incorrect dungeons and dragons quotes
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Wizard: I am perhaps already the undead, hauling my body around this mortal realm, haunted by the souls of the damned and the hungry who feast on my muscles and bones until I shall be dragged to hell once more. Druid: Once again, I don’t know where that is on a 1-10 pain scale.
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dndclassesquotes · 10 months
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Paladin: Can you do something for me?
Rogue: I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for it.
Paladin: Can you do the dishes?
Rogue: *already leaving the room* No.
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Warlock: Do something fun. Sleep over at a murder site or whatever. Monk: How have you survived this long? Warlock: Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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Barbarian: We’re about to do the taser challenge. You want in? Fighter: What's the taser challenge? Ranger: We tase each other, then drink. Fighter: How do you win? Barbarian: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?
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incorrect-dnd-classes · 22 hours
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Warlock: The reason I sin is because there’s a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell, and I sure as shit ain’t climbin’ no stairs.
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You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That’s why I own ten guns; in case someone maniac tries to sneak in a ladder.
- Artificer
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incorrect-dnd-classes · 19 hours
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Fighter: So, Ranger is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. Why, you ask? Because I’ve caught them five times now trying to train raccoons to fight. Ranger: You’ll be thanking me one day when the third raccoon battalion saves your life.
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Sorcerer: I've been told by many people that I 'light up the room'. Paladin: That was arson, and those were witnesses.
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incorrect-dnd-classes · 6 months
Conversation
Rogue: My gender is knives. That’s it, just knives.
BBEG: No, but what’s in your pants?
Rogue: I want you to look me in the eyes and take a wild fucking guess.
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incorrect-dnd-classes · 4 months
Conversation
Bard: I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate or malewife our way out of it this time.
Barbarian: [cracking knuckles] Manslaughter it is.
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incorrect-dnd-classes · 2 months
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Ranger: raccoons have people hands Druid: or do we have raccoon hands
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Ranger: Don’t fraternize with this creature. I am still training them. Warlock: It’s only a parrot! Ranger: I was talking to the parrot.
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Warlock: having fangs may not be a ‘necessary’ or ‘wise’ addition to my physiology but it would be very, very sexy and therefore i think i deserve them regardless Druid: i think that they would be useful Druid: for like opening sauce packets and such
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Warlock: All of these diets out here promising they’ll give you your “dream body” Warlock: but I’ve talked to my dietitian and not one of them will make me six inches taller and buff as hell with functioning angel wings, sharp teeth, and a devastating smirk Warlock: so frankly? It’s just false advertising
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Rogue: “I can make him better” this “I can make him worse” that, listen I have a knife I can make him dead
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incorrect-dnd-classes · 7 months
Conversation
Warlock, working on their five year plan:
1. ?
2. ?
3. ?
4. ?
5. And then they'll all be sorry.
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