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satansapostle6 · 5 months

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Josh Futturman has always had a crush on his beautiful coworker, the sharp, sexy scientist he thought he could only dream of talking to.

Warnings: Mature themes/language. Sexual content.

Part Six

Part Seven: Merry Christmas(I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)

Josh felt like ‘the man’ walking into a corporate event with Dr. Brynne Johansson, of all people, as his date. Josh didn’t even care that she was at least a few inches taller than him even without heels.

The height difference didn’t bother him; if anything, walking around with a taller woman on his arm made him feel like those rich old men who walked around Vegas casinos with multiple women on their arms, smoking cigars inside. Brynne made him feel accomplished, like he could do anything.

“Dr. Johansson!”

Brynne and Josh both turned as a man in a suit called to Brynne. Josh was surprised as she hardly separated from him, lazily raising her hand to wave.

“Dr. Shaughnessy,” she smiled, without even opening her mouth.

“You look spectacular,” the tall, dark-haired man said flirtatiously.

Josh began to feel increasingly awkward, realizing that the handsome, British doctor was flirting with his date.

“Thank you,” she replied coolly, “See you at the toast.”

Brynne pointedly stuck to Josh, hooking her arm in his as if to make it even more clear that they had come together. Josh nervously looked down at his feet, blushing at the gesture.

“You two know each other well?” he asked her curiously as they grabbed drink tickets on the way in.

“I went for coffee with him once. He brought up politicos, and when he asked, I told him I registered socialist. He went on a rant and told me I’d understand better when I was ‘his age’,” she frowned.

“Dude. That’s gross to say to someone you’re on a date with,” Josh said in disbelief. “If you really think someone’s at an immature age, maybe you shouldn’t be trying to date them.”

“Yeah, long story short, I tend to avoid the break rooms,” she concluded. “Besides. Dr. Shaughnessy sees enough action around the building anyways.”

“Wait, seriously?” Josh said in surprise.

“Oh, yeah. He’s slept with two other scientists.”

“Who?!” he demanded eagerly.

“Dr. Kim, and Dr. Tomlinson.”

“Dr. Tomlinson?” Josh gasped in a loud whisper. “She slept with Dr. Rubio!”

“Dr. Rubio?!” Brynne exclaimed. “What is this place, fucking Grey’s Anatomy?! How do you know?!”

“They were talking, in her office,” he explained, “It’s weird how people just assume the janitor isn’t listening.”

“Oh, I can imagine,” she nodded.

“Honestly. Sometimes, I put earbuds in and don’t play anything,” Josh confessed.

“I do that, too, when I’m in public,” Brynne admitted.

“You know, I saw you once, a while ago,” Josh confessed, “Getting ice cream, on your lunch break.”

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah… I was too scared to say ‘hi’. I didn’t think you’d recognize me,” he said sheepishly.

“Oh, of course I would’ve,” she chuckled softly, “I mean, I never knew your name, but… you’re the one who always rearranges the pens, on my desk. Just the way I like it.”

Josh was stunned by her response. “Yeah… You hate when people mess with the stuff on your desk.”

“You—You know that?” her eyes widened.

“Y-Yeah,” he stammered, realizing how it sounded. “Sorry. Is that—?”

“Incredibly sweet, and thoughtful?” she cut him off. “Yes.”

Josh couldn’t help but sigh with relief. “Really?”

“Josh…” Brynne laughed, stopping in the middle of the floor surrounded by other party guests, “I once had a boyfriend that didn’t know my middle name. I told him three times.”

“What a dick,” Josh scoffed in disapproval. “What is your middle name?”

“Emily.”

“Hmm. Brynne Emily Johansson. It has a good flow to it,” he remarked. “You know… Everything I learn about you gets burned into my brain. I’d hate to forget any of it.”

“I’m the same way,” she agreed. “I try not to forget anything.”

“Well. I’ll never forget that time you watched me clean that ‘spot’ on the floor,” he told her. “You… you really know how to make a guy speechless.”

“I can when I want to,” she shrugged.

“Hey. Josh,” Ray called, as he and another security guard called to him.

Josh smiled, waving to his friend as he and Brynne approached them.

“Hey, Ray. What’s up, Tony?”

“Hey,” Tony the security guard nodded.

“You guys know Dr. Johansson,” Josh politely introduced her.

“Yeah, of course. How you doing?” Ray smiled.

“I’m good, thanks, what about you?” she asked in turn.

“I’m alright. As long as Dr. Camillo sticks to water tonight,” he murmured.

“Hey, at least he doesn’t stare at your ass,” she pointed out. “I’m gonna grab a drink. Josh, you want something?”

“Uh, I think I’ll just have a soda, thanks,” Josh told her, handing her one of his tickets. “Coke?”

“Sure. I’ll be right back,” Brynne announced, leaving them for a moment.

Ray and Tony both remained calm, pretending to smile and enjoy idle chitchat until they were sure she was out of earshot.

“You got a date with Dr. Johansson?!” Ray whispered. “Why did I not know about this?!”

“I don’t know,” Josh shrugged with a laugh, “I guess it’s just one of those things you just gotta see to believe.”

“You’re damn right it is!” Tony spoke up. “You got the one woman everyone in the office wants!”

“No one can get her. Not even Dr. Shaughnessy,” Ray pointed out.

“Well, maybe Dr. Kronish,” Tony muttered under his breath.

Josh gave him a confused look, not understanding the comment.

“Come on, man,” Ray scoffed, “That’s just a rumor.”

“Is it?” Tony questioned. “They spend a lot of time together, he’s really touchy with her, and he’s the only one she really talks to.”

“That’s just because they’ve known each other for years. They’re friends,” Josh reasoned. “He put her through school.”

“Did you ever think about why he put her through school?” Tony raised an eyebrow.

Josh was too stunned to speak.

“Yo! That’s gross,” Ray made a face.

“It happens all the time,” Tony said defensively.

Josh ignored the other two as he watched Brynne return, with two glasses in hand. She had gotten Josh a soda, and seemed to have some sort of cocktail in her hand.

“Thanks,” he smiled, still uncomfortable from the conversation he’d just unwillingly participated in.

“Brynne!”

The two of them turned to see Dr. Kronish approaching, evidently making his rounds about the room.

“Elias!” Brynne smiled, hugging the older man.

“There’s my best girl,” Kronish said sweetly, “You look like a dream.”

Josh thought for a moment, now somewhat off-put, trying his best to disregard everything Tony had said before.

“Aw, thank you,” she gushed.

“Josh!” his employer greeted him, pulling the two of them aside. “Look at you two crazy kids, you look great together!”

“Thank you, Elias,” Josh nodded appreciatively.

“How are you two doing tonight?” Kronish asked. “Enjoying the party?”

“Yeah, it’s great,” Josh complimented.

“Well. I won’t bother you too much, you two have fun,” the man beamed. “But not too much fun, now,” he teased.

“Thank you, Elias. Merry early Christmas,” Brynne smiled.

“Oh, you two, Brynne. See you both later, I’m sure,” he waved to them.

Josh returned the wave as he left, turning his attention back to Brynne.

“You and Kronish have been friends for a long time?” he asked her.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “I owe him everything.”

“You never told me how you two met,” Josh segued, genuinely curious. “You told me he put you through school, but I never heard the story of how you too met.”

“Oh,” Brynne said shortly, her demeanor instantly changing. “Uh… It’s a long story.”

“I don’t mind,” Josh offered.

“You know, we could get into that later,” she said uncomfortably.

“Oh,” Josh thought, feeling as if he hit a nerve. “Uh…. I’m sor—”

“Johansson!”

A loud, and seemingly belligerent Stu Camillo interrupted their conversation.

“What, Stu?” Bry ne said crossly.

Josh felt strange as she avoided the topic of Kronish, genuinely worried as to why she seemed upset. He knew there had to be some sort of reasonable explanation, but a part of him also irrationally feared that Tony had been right.

“That Brennan kid you hired,” he slurred slightly. “He cost us thousands of dollars—”

“I’m well aware, Stu, now we’re at a company party,” she frowned, “This is hardly an appropriate place for this.”

“It never is!” the main argued. “You know, I told Kronish not to hire you, and I told him not to promote you, but the old man didn’t listen—!”

“Hey, Stu, I’m trying to be polite here. Go sit down,” Brynne told him, stepping close to him so that no one else heard, “This is highly inappropriate. Don’t make me call security.”

“You think you’re so much smarter than me, and all the rest of us, just because you’ve got Kronish wrapped around your little finger?” Dr. Camillo sneered.

Josh saw as Brynne’s eyes widened with rage as she gabbed the man by the jacket sleeve and pulled him aside.

“You need to leave. Now,” she said firmly.

“Fuck you! You don’t run shit here just because of your little Lewinsky act,” he spat.

Josh nervously stood behind Brynne, now worrying that something might’ve actually happened between her and her boss. He wouldn’t have judged her at all if it had, but he was more so worried at the idea of someone taking advantage of her. But suddenly, he had other things to worry about as things began to escalate.

“Everyone thinks you’re a genius, but you’re just a fucking bimbo with a degree!”

“Hey, lay off her, man!” Josh yelled, nearly shoving him as he stepped in front of Brynne. “Don’t fucking talk to her like that!”

Everyone was now watching as a spectacle began to unfold.

“Fuck you, janitor!”

“Dr. Camillo!” Elias Kronish rushed to Brynne’s side, cornering the man before Josh had to interfere any more. “One more word, and you’re fired. You do not have the right to attack other employees, and I won’t humor your childish fits anymore. You get the fuck out of here, and come back when you’re ready to behave like an adult, or you can kiss your job goodbye!”

“You won’t fire me!” Camillo scoffed arrogantly.

“Don’t test me,” Kronish warned, watching as the man stumbled off, leaving the party before someone could kick him out.

Josh turned to Brynne, seeing the troubled look on her face.

“Hey. Are you okay?” he asked worriedly, still not knowing how to react to the situation.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she muttered, sighing as she took a sip of her drink.

“I’m so sorry about that, sweetheart,” Dr. Kronish said kindly as he rested a hand on her shoulder, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Brynne sighed, glancing at Josh, “I… I think I just wanna get out of here. I’m suddenly not in the mood to party.”

“Yes, of course, I understand completely. You go and get some rest, I’ll see you after the holiday,” the man said sympathetically.

“I’ll see you at work,” Brynne nodded, turning to Josh. “Is it okay if we get out of here?”

“Yeah, of course,” Josh nodded quickly, escorting her out.

He didn’t say another word as they left the party, not sure how to help the situation. He sat patiently in the car with her as she held her face in her hands, turning on the light so that they could talk.

“I’m really sorry about Dr. Camillo,” Josh sighed, “That was really fucking rude.”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it from him; he doesn’t bother me much,” she murmured. “It’s just… the stuff he said. About me, and Kronish.”

Josh froze, not sure how to handle this particular subject.

“Yeah… That was really inappropriate,” he agreed, not knowing a better word for the situation.

“I, uh… I didn’t sleep with Kronish,” Brynne said suddenly, catching Josh off guard. “I know that’s what you were thinking.”

“No!” he cut her off, immediately feeling awful. “I’d never actually think that…”

“It’s okay. Really,” she sighed. “I… I just didn’t wanna talk about it, because of how we met.”

“Oh. I mean, you don’t have to tell me,” he promised her quietly, “But you can.”

“Yeah, it’s okay, I just… In there wasn’t the time and place, you know?”

“Yeah,” he nodded softly.

“I didn’t wanna talk about it because… I met Dr. Kronish right before I graduated high school. He was at the school, as a guest speaker for some career fair thing I never went to. And I collapsed,” she explained.

Josh nodded in silence, not quite sure why she seemed ashamed.

“It was an overdose,” she added promptly. “I OD-ed. On coke.”

“Oh,” was all Josh could think to say in the moment.

“That’s… why I don’t drink,” Brynne explained, “I’ve been sober for eight years.”

“I thought you had a drink earlier,” Josh thought stupidly.

He never would’ve guessed.

“I got a mock-tail,” she explained.

“Oh… Well, I’m really sorry,” he apologized guiltily. “I feel really bad, I shouldn’t have made you feel like I thought—”

“You didn’t,” she assured him. “It’s okay.”

He nodded, turning as he looked at the wheel in front of him.

“I’ll take you home, if you want,” he said, sounding disappointed as if he already knew the date had gone badly.

“…Do you have to?” Brynne asked, to his surprise.

He looked at her in shock. “Wait. You don’t never wanna see me again?” he questioned.

“The opposite,” she assured him. “I like you, Josh. And I appreciate what you did for me. With Dr. Camillo.”

“He was attacking you,” Josh said simply, “I had to do something. If anything, I was kinda pathetic…”

She interrupted him, deciding it most fitting to press a quick kiss to his cheek, surprising him. Somehow, the act was even more striking to him than a kiss on the lips.

“Th-Thank you,” he blurted out.

“You can take me home now,” she said finally.

“Oh…”

“Your home,” she offered with a smile, earning a silent gasp from him. “If you want.”

“Hachi machi…”

Part Eight

#josh futturman #josh futturman x reader #josh hutcherson x reader #josh hutcherson #mike schimdt x reader #mike schmidt x reader #mike schmidt

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mlobsters · 4 months

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supernatural s12e14 somewhere between heaven and hell (w. davy perez)

something to be said that they've managed to make me dislike the british mol plotline in new and exciting ways

SAM Yeah. Dude, why don’t you take a shower and change your clothes. You’ve been wearing the same pair of boxers for four days. DEAN Okay, one, weird that you know how much underwear I packed. SAM That’s what’s weird about this? DEAN And B, it’s two and two. Doesn’t count if you flip ‘em inside out.

okay, gross, dean-o. but also, sam, he's got you there, that is in fact weird.

goddamnit davy. i was willing to let it die that i couldn't figure out what paul reiser uses in mad about you (1->B or A->2) because even after literally watching several full episodes and handfuls of clips i couldn't find an instance of it but now i'm gonna end up doing it again. reminded me though i had forgotten about the occasional crossovers with friends it had, via phoebe/ursula (mostly). and also i love helen hunt

SAM Same as the others. I-I made a computer algorithm that scrapes data from police scanners, emergency calls, uh, local news sites, and then it puts everything through a h--

[Dean stares at Sam] SAM The computer told me. DEAN Computers. Monsters, porn. Is there anything they can't do?

i'm staring at sam for different reasons -_- stupid lies, stupid bmol

DEAN I'm using that fancy shampoo you keep hidden from me.

should make a tag for all the things that i thought were fanon but turn out to be canon

cas with the tabloid giving the goofy xfiles vibes, following up with the manager and the reptilian alien theory

HERB Most sheeple can't handle the truth. But not me. I'm woke. It's why I don't use, uh, new tech. Anything past '96, it's a trap. You know…Palm Pilot. It's more like Tracking Device. Am I right?

made me laugh out loud. another blast from the past. i tried to use an old first generation palm pilot but i just couldn't get the swing of putting shit down anywhere because i didn't use an organizer on paper either. wasn't until my memory went to (even more) shit and i could put things in my calendar and have my phone scream at me about it did i really appreciate it

they've been giving them better fitted suits lately, both lookin sharp

DEAN Tell her what? No, seriously, Sam, what are you gonna say? “Hi, my name is Sam Winchester. This is my much handsomer brother Dean. We hunt monsters. Oh, and that guy you were banging? We're pretty sure he made a deal with a demon, so a hellhound came and dragged his soul to Hell. But you? You're cool. And since there's nothing around for us to kill, peace out.”

much handsomer :p

it's funny how i have zero faith in crowley's ability to keep lucifer locked up. maybe that's the point. but it's kind of sad :p i like how clever and wily crowley can be, but they've done a good job building up lucifer (to me, and i basically ignore what he did jumping around meatsuits recently 🤪)

they're sure doing a thing with these two

did this hellhound get out and go rogue because crowley's too busy playing with lucifer?

ah funny, this angel kelvin is in the boys too - 32 episodes! as black noir

CROWLEY Right after God said, “Let there be light,” he -- he made a whole bunch of things -- posies, koalas, hellhounds. He wanted The Creator's best friend, but the hounds were too vicious. So he planned on having them all put down, until along came our favorite fallen angel. He rescued one of the hounds -- a pregnant bitch named Ramsey. DEAN Why don't you just tell her to heel? CROWLEY I can't control her. No one can. She's loyal only to Lucifer.

the snort of derision i just made. so ridiculous

DEAN Great. So we have a hellhound who's gunning for revenge, and it's personal. Ah. Just when I thought this gig couldn't get any weirder… CROWLEY Oh. It can always get weirder.

-_-

DEAN You tend to ride the brakes. SAM Dean, I know how to drive. DEAN I'm just saying. Okay, just imagine she's a… a beautiful woman. SAM Oh, come on. Get out of here. DEAN A beautiful, beautiful woman. SAM I'm done. DEAN Sam… CROWLEY Ew.

somewhere someone surely has kept track of how many times sam has driven baby because it's been a decent amount :p like leaning into a fandom trope

CASTIEL Joshua. I thought he stepped aside. KELVIN He did. But like I said, all hands on deck situation. Imagine it, Castiel -- free to come and go as you please, part of your family, your true family, again. Look… the Gardener's got a plan. All we ask is that you hear us, hear him out. For the greater good.

(another person who says castiel how i expected it to be said, CASStiel as opposed to castiEL) ok more heavenly politics i'll forget but i like this guy more at least and cas being healthily and visibly skeptical helps. joshua, gardener, ok. like the dude they talked to in heaven in s5? 🥴

DEAN Yeah, well, I guess we've all changed. I got predictable. You got soft. I mean, a few years ago, who'd have thought you'd be helping us save the girl of the week? CROWLEY I don't care about her. DEAN Yeah, well, maybe we rubbed off on you. CROWLEY Don't flatter yourself. DEAN You saved Cas.

took an absurd amount of scraping through memories to figure out what that was. i was like oh when crowley gave him the grace that he was dying from lack of? no that was a long time ago, surely there's something more recent. oh right, snapping the .... lance of michael? to stop cas from rotting all of *checks notes* 3 episodes ago in 12x12

CROWLEY Just to spare myself the Winchester Manpain-- you lot moping about like a bunch of schoolgirls. DEAN Well, I just wanna say thank you. CROWLEY Or…a few years ago, who would've thought you'd be working with the King of Hell? Maybe you've rubbed off on me. Maybe I've rubbed off all over you.

deflect from being called out on doing something good by being gross, of course :p also a move in dean's repertoire

GWEN I… I don't think I even know what “okay” means anymore. Marcus… going camping was my idea. I took him out there even though I knew. I knew it was over. I liked Marcus. He was sweet and kind. And he loved me. More than I ever loved him. More than… If I'd just told him… If I… Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? SAM Gwen… GWEN Yeah, but I didn't. [Voice breaking] I lied. I lied to make things easier. I… I'm sorry. I… We should go.

not sure what the point of that was other than an excuse to have them pulled over and not moving, give her another emotional scene

hopefully pretty girl of the week will feel less guilty since she saved sam from the hellhound long enough that he could kill it

CROWLEY You make me your dog, I'll make you my slave. That chain around your neck? Was nothing. A stylish accessory. This vessel… That's your true prison. It's been warded with runes and spellwork from the Cage, carved into every molecule. In there? I own you.

CASTIEL She’s with Dagon, Prince of Hell.

answers my princess question

are you making good choices, castiel? 🧐 going to heaven without telling sam and dean what's going on doesn't seem like the best choice but what do i know

DEAN Mm, is that your computer talking to you again? SAM Uh… No. Um… It's, uh… Mick Davies. DEAN What? SAM Dean… I don't have a computer program feeding me cases. I-I, uh… Gwen? Every job we've worked in the last two weeks? They've come from the British Men of Letters. DEAN Really? SAM Yeah. I didn't tell you 'cause I know how much you hate them. DEAN No, we hate them. Us. Together.

have heard the we/us thing

SAM I-I get that. Yeah, I do. But -- but… Dean, because of Mick and his guys, the Alpha Vampire is dead. They get results. I don't like them either, but-- but if-- if we can save people, then it… Either way, I-I shouldn't have lied to you. And… I'm sorry, man. I-I… DEAN Well, okay. SAM Okay? DEAN What do you want me to say? Do I like it? No. Do I trust them? Hell, no. But you're right. We work with people we don't trust all the time. I mean, hell, I just Liam Neeson'd it up with Crowley. So if you wanna give this a shot, then… [ Scoffs ] Fine. But the minute-- and I mean the second-- something feels off, we bail. SAM Yeah. Of course. Deal.

look at them, they're so mature now! talking things out almost right away, apologizing for the lying, dean being reasonable in listening to sam's argument and agreeing with him despite the strong feelings. so proud

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 12x15 #davy perez #mad about you #spn canon not fanon

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semi-imaginary-place · 2 years

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*hacker voice* im in. i started watching our flag means death. time to see what all the hubub over th gay pirate show is about.

ep1: me googling our flag means death characters. *squints* there’s no way that actor for stede is 29 years old. eh or i could just throw the wiki out and imagine he’s another dude having a midlife crisis. missed his calling as a middle school art teacher. me: *points and yells* deadbeat dad!

ep4: excellent he’s as weird as stede. pfffft the show runners decided to dress blackbeard in a black leather tube. what is he wearing. the worst part is knowing there are people on the internet actually swooning for this. well i suppose it doesn’t matter all that much that stede ran away given mary was already carrying the family on her back by herself. neglectful af, so self absorbed he doesn’t notice anyone else. MARY!!! she’s trying so hard to make the most of things! she’s trying so hard. (unlike some one.) and she’s getting stonewalled at every turn, for years because stede can only see his problems and his emotions and no one else’s. i'd say at least he left her the money but A. the land was her family's to begin with and B. wasnt it illegal for british women to own property as some point in the past. ...they’re LARPing are each other... i feel worse for izzy by the minute.

ep5: wow this show really went: the only thing worse than the british: the french. omg literal hello i am the prince of egypt i need your help in retrieving my lost fortune with just 2000$ from you i will be able to pay you back 10 million. glad our idiot lost it in the end those those who the wealth would be better in the hands of.

ep6: what happened to the entire ship of blackbead? ed and izzy discussed faking his death and izzy becomign captain but izzy is still here. also where’s the physical ship?

oh wow everyone in this show is getting a boyfriend huh.

im sorry to say but your pirate fav washes his hands after using the bathroom. none of them do

in case you all didn’t get it. all stede’s talk of communication and emotional support is an act to convince himself that he is emotionally well. Its a lie in the sense that not really true but he want to believe it and maybe if stede repeats it enough he can make it true. all the postering in the early episodes is steve trying to project the persona of the person he wants to be. kind, emotionally healthy, respected, loved which he isnt really at the start of the series. but by acting out the things a compassionate person should do, he is compassionate and earns some fondness from his crew

ep9: contract signed by a dead man huh? sounds like it’d make good kindling. good that stede’s finding closure for his guilt and all but mary is totally better off with him legally dead. gods just let her be free of this burden.

ep10: SHE WAS HAPPY. HER PAINTING WAS GOING WELL!!. they really should have gotten separate beds years ago they’re rich enough for it. stede’s luck mary didn’t build another house and take the kids to live there. yuup everyone’s pairing off and getting a boyfriend. might be easier to say who doesn’t have a boyfriend. oh look someone who’s supportive of mary and encouraging of her painting. i don’t blame mary for getting a boyfriend but she should have just told stede so they could reach a mutual understanding about the gap between their legal status and their personal relationship instead of going behind his back. stede thought that as long as he fixed his guilt over leaving everything would work out. magical thinking. but he never thought of the actual people he left behind. stede thinks he’s the main character of the universe. “decided to unabandon your family on a whim” she’s so right. ah and all it took to get them to talk was a little attempted murder.

ah yes what is a little mutilation of the homeboys to assert control over one’s life. yeah seriously what happened to that whole other ship and crew blackbeard had.

well i guess that was that. fairly entertaining. i see why people like it, though a good chunk of its popularity on tumblr is probably because of the shipping material (pun intended). it was fine but it didn’t resonate or wow me. i do think it was funny how people just kept showing up on the boat even though its supposedly at sea.

#our flag means death

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mostlikelyshutup · 2 years

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love is stored in the garlic clove

#garlic girlies come here #garlic #k mumbles #imagine me saying this like an old british dude but like weird #idk how to describe it and im hoping its coming across #onions #garlic girlies

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mayflowers07 · 3 years

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Casting the Hermitcraft members as live actors- Part One

(Quick notes: I tried to cast close to the members actual age because I felt like it would be weird to cast twenty year olds to play people in their late thirties. I’ll talk and justify some of my choices more under the individual members. If you completely hate one of my choices, that’s fine, just please don’t be rude about anything)

Hasan Minhaj as Bdubs

(Based on his Minecraft skin, which is fairly dark, I feel like he’d be very good in the comedy side of playing Bdubs as well)

Graham McTavish as old Cub and Ben Schnetzer as young Cub

(Was going to try and find one older actor who looks like Cub when he was younger, but decided against it because McTavish was just too good)

Tom Hardy as Doc

(I’d imagine in a live action show/movie, they’d use a mix of makeup and CGI for inhuman characters like Doc, if you’ve seen Hardy as Bane, Venom, or Max you’ll know how badass he can be while also hitting the comedic and more down to earth moments)

Chris Pang as Etho

(Based on his skin so not a white dude, Chris has literally already played a live action Kakashi in the Youtube video “Kakashi vs Obito Fight” by RE:ANIME, which is where I got the picture from. It’s too perfect to pass up)

Elizabeth Debicki as False

(She’s also tall af which I headcanon False to be, so good for her)

Sophie Turner as Gem

(Not much to say, I just love her)

Thomas Brodie-Sangster as Grian

(Youthful face? In his late-twenty/early thirties? Gremlin energy? Very British? This is a match made in heaven)

Owen Wilson as Hypno

(God I was so stuck on Hypno. I feel like this works because Wilson is so funny and could fit Hypno’s style but maybe that’s just me)

You Are Here, Part Two, Part Three

#Hermitcraft #hermitblr #hc live action #bdoubleo100 #cubfan135 #docm77 #ethoslab #falsesymmetry #geminitay #Grian #hypnotizd

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sepublic · 3 years

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Through the Looking Glass Ruins!!!!!

…

SO! Onto other things first…

WRATH IS BRAXAS’ FATHER!??!!? HOLY SHIT, Wrath is a canonical dad, I’d always expressed my… OH MY GOD WRATH IS DAD! And of BRAXAS, that sweetie… How is Braxas such a sweetie with a father like HIM, also-

Wrath was in casual wear? Either he has a day off, or he got fired by Belos/Kikimora after drawing Luz a map to Eda in Young Blood, Old Souls! Either way this guy has a sudden new level of NUANCE that I am reeling from, and yes I checked, that really is Wrath according to the credits! Dang this puts everything in a WHOLE new light…!

AMITY HAIR OHMIGOD IT LOOKS SO ADORABLE SHE’S SELF-ACTUALIZING I AM FUCKING SCREAMING HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, it’s PINK and not green… They acknowledged it, Emira did! And they CHANGED IT I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND OVER THIS-

She looks so BEAUTIFUL and I love the kind of foreshadowing with the bookends of our first shot of Amity having her hair down, and now it’s changed! And she looks adorable and EMIRA AND EDRIC BEING GREAT SIBLINGS I LOVE IT SO MUCH! This… THIS is everything I wanted! I was resigned to not much of them but HELL YEAH they’re being good siblings and we get a look at their rooms, we see them doing MAKEOVERS together this is everything from my favorite fanon content and MORE,

Also Edric has a date?! Emira says ‘their’ mom… Unless the Golden Guard has a mom, DARN! Not gonna lie, I half-expected a big twist at the end that Edric was dating the Golden Guard, who was doing some sort of reconnaissance as his unrecognized normal self and/or screwing around with the Blights even further, but in a GENUINE sense… But then who knows Kikimora could be posing as GG’s ‘mom’, this is a stretch anyhow-

JUST HELL YEAH Blight Twins! Blight Twins being sweet and mischievous and supportive of each other, Blight SIBLINGS being siblings, Emira being an older sister and giving advice! And AMITY, Amity mentioning how much Luz has changed stuff, I love that they acknowledge it openly how her life has completely shifted, and now… NOW…!

No necklace! Red leggings! PINK HAIR?! Is this why Amity in the intro hasn’t been updated yet… She was getting TWO updates, so the animators decided to only animate a change after this final update?!

King and Gus are also friends it seems, and they even recorded some fun together! I’m surprised at how much Bria and the others mock Gus’ illusion skills… Obviously Belos is kinda terrible but like; I don’t think he’d set aside an entire subset of magic into Illusions without reason! Also that nightmare trip… I LOVE IT, I love Gus applying the creativity of illusions in their ability to completely warp and distort someone’s sense of reality! And I called that dragon-thing being an illusion!

A graveyard… I wonder if the Gallderstones (is that how it’s spelled) have any relevance or if they’re just neat? I hope Mattholomule and Gus help hide the Looking Glass Graveyard… Damn, that’s another Death reference with Gus, huh! Is it culminating in his respect for the dead, or will it continue further with Gus being a necromancer, or an Oracle who can commune with the deceased, and he has their respect as someone who treats them properly?!

Also not to get dark but… What if all those Illusionists are dead because of Belos? I’m JUST SAYING…! And not gonna lie, every time someone insulted Illusions, I kept imagining the Illusion Head just suddenly waking up and feeling like there’s a disturbance in the force, as well as a weird compulsion to beat up some Glandus kids. It’d be even funnier if he had beef with the Construction, Plant, and Abomination Heads as well!

Speaking of which, more confirmation on Construction Magic being related to earth! Glad to see Bria give us a look into that, which furthers my idea of Belos using construction magic… Also dang, Bria and the Glandus Kids really are the parallels/foils to the Detention kids! You’ve got the short ‘nice’ girl, the tall lanky kid, the furry… But the Glandus Kids start off looking nice and cool, but turn out to be rather nasty!

Meanwhile the Detention Kids seem like bad news and delinquents, but no! They’re just demonized and actually very kind and chill! The Detention Kids are looked down upon, the Glandus Kids are appraised… The Detention Kids are dual-track, the Glandus Kids are singular; Glandus Kids from, well, GLANDUS, Detention Kids from Hexside… One’s ‘mischief’ is actually very neat and cool, the other’s is literal grave robbing.

I guess that’s how the bleeding statues got past the censors- It’s technically just an illusion! Also more insight into how Glandus works with its Survival of the Fittest mentality, I wonder if we’ll get confirmation on which coven heads came from there, how that might influence them as adults…

What is Glandus like, is it more whole-heartedly accepting of Belos’ rule, hence its harsh ideals? Was it made after Hexside? Does Bump hate it for being so cruel like that, or is it just school bias? And dang poor Mattholomule, I always had a feeling he sort of felt and knew that he wasn’t much, so he accepted and compensated by deliberately doing whatever he can for power…

They confirmed he’s from Glandus, and I appreciate this new look at him! This new leaf turned… Hot take but he’s honestly not as bad as Boscha, his stint with Gus was a one-time thing that Gus was able to live with! And that seems pretty good to set them up as friends! Speaking of Boscha, Willow was injured by pixies? And the last time we heard of pixies, they belonged to Boscha and caused the school to get shut down… Did BOSCHA DO THIS I SWEAR SHE IS DEAD TO ME-

(Also she’s mentioned in the credits for this episode but I don’t remember hearing her? I might’ve gotten distracted with so much other things.)

Gus! I like the insight into his relationship with Illusions, and I appreciate how he’s considering other forms of magic… But this hesitation might just serve to reaffirm his believe in Illusions, which is okay! It’s all about choice… And yeah, it seems Gus also has a case of impostor syndrome like King, no wonder they get along so well! I love the glimpses into Gus’ house and the confirmation that he has a library card, no Perry though alas…!

I appreciate how Gus feels overlooked, like he has no real substance, which is how his Illusions reflect a desire to draw attention, but also the idea that there’s nothing real beneath them… Again, very much like King! And Gus, he’s not a powerhouse like the rest, he’s SKILLED and smart, but strength isn’t his forte, it’s not brute force he operates on, but cleverness! Trickery, I like it…! It’s a nice callback to his last A-plot episode, SVSF, where instead of fighting Mattholomule physically, Gus’ solution is to think outside the box and pull the alarm!

You go kid, not relying on brute strength but showing that some clever tricks and thinking are just as valid! Kinda wonder if this episode is lowkey a discussion on masculinity for young boys, especially with Gus growing older with puberty, though the latter is mostly because his actual VA grew… But maybe the writers rolled with that and incorporated it, or it’s just a very neat coincidence! Also, it is me or did Mattholomule’s voice change? And the gag that Gavin’s dad looks identical to him, even moreso because he’s NOT supposed to have a moustache… That’s great!

Malphas! Love this reference to a classic demon, I wasn’t sure if Malphas was the librarian with glasses whom I’ve always headcanoned as a father figure to Amity… But maybe it’s actually this bird dude! He seems adept in Bard magic, and I love the reveal of his true crow appearance… Guess those theorists were right that the one-eyed figure is from the Forbidden Stacks! Also Malphas NOT COOL with Amity, but I’m glad Luz changed his mind, and I wonder how that adventure looked…

Which- DAMN, the RSD with Luz! She looks so UTTERLY BROKEN when Amity mentions doing stupid things, and she didn’t mean it like that, but Luz just looks so completely shattered and you can tell she wants to cry but instead she bottles it up and tries to take it in stride, and that plays into her trying to overcompensate for her mistakes AGAIN… SOMEONE GET IT TO HER HEAD that she doesn’t need to! I’m scared for Luz, and I was SO scared this episode would end on a bad note…

BUT DOAHLDdFAEONDKFHN LUMITY KISS LUMITY KISS! ONE-SIDED BUT THEY FINALLY FUCKING KNOW AND AMITY IS LIKE WHAAAAT AND I WAS WAITING FOR IT AND I COULD FEEL IT HAPPEN AND GAY KISS! GAY KISS ON-SCREEN!!! And the way Luz just FLOPS to the ground on her knees AAHJJFFKHGGK and no Alador nor Odalia to ruin this, UTTERLY PERFECT and the twins WATCHING OOOHHHHGGGG YYYEEAAAAHHH-

This is EVERYTHING I ever wanted!

What an AMAZING episode with wonderful characer beats and reveals! Again, Amity’s growth as a character, that brief insight into how Luz as a person is very chaotic and sometimes frustrating for Amity and forces her to reevaluate, but ultimately it’s good and Luz DOES try her best, and Amity clearly wanted to make things up for Luz and apologize, they’re BOTH doing things, just the little moments!

Also, Alex Lawther voices Philip Wittebane! He has long hair and a vaguely british accent, he’s… He’s Belos isn’t he? And they got a new VA because having him voiced by Matthew Rhys would be really spoiler-y right? He’s got the long hair and he’s a nerd… And with how he talks of finding a way back home, maybe Belos really DOES just want to return home, after all? He talks of making a way back home…

And we see a glimpse of the Portal, so it might’ve brought him there? Or did Philip succeed in making it, and that was his blueprint designs? Did he arrive by Titan’s Blood? What happened to the portal if it brought him there, or if he made it? Why the scar, why near Eda’s house, partially buried?

Was it lost before he could finish his work, and Philip got side-tracked into something else… Perhaps going on a crusade, on behalf of a curse/demon that possessed him? A demon that killed King’s father…? Was the portal broken and he had to discard it, but then it naturally healed- Or did it just need to recharge, maybe Philip DID make it back home, WHAT IS THE ANSWER?! Is there some sort of doppelganger for Philip, is BELOS his doppelganger?! What is THIS WHAT-

WHAT AN EPISODE!

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avaoracle · 3 years

Text

Jason's Domino is Excessive and Redundant and I Love it

Stephanie: You know if just occured to me that Jason wearing a domino mask under his helmet is kind of redundant. I mean even the Bman doesn't wear an auxiliary mask under his cowl, honestly it's almost overkill for a dude who's civilian identity is a dead fifteen year old. Like the worst that'd happen if somehow that hunk of metal was blown off his head, would be the unlikely possibility of someone being like, 'huh, that giant, gun toting guy with glowing green eyes kinda looks like that one orphan Bruce Wayne adopted like a decade ago, the one that died a few years later, weird, oh well, hope he doesn't shoot me.' So really he's just some guy no one's likely to recognize let alone care about, its not like he does much in his "civilian life" what with being legally dead and all that.

Dick: Huh, I guess you kind of have a point, I suppose the domino is a bit redundant. Really even for us wearing a mask under that hood is like a whole new level, especially considering how he's got that damn thing boobie-trapped to high hell.

Tim: So now I'm imagining a Scooby-Doo like scenario, okay, just imagine if say Black Mask captured him right. ~At long last, after years of being a thorn in his side, he's got the infamous Red Hood in his clutches, restrained and disarmed so his men can take the time they need to disable all the failsafes in the helmet. His anticipation steadily grows as slowly but surely the traps are neutralized one by one until the moment he's been dreaming of is in his grasp. He shoos his men away before he approaches the vigilante, a victorious smirk on his face as he grasps the sides of the gleaming crimson hood, gloating as he does so saying, 'Let's find out once and for all, who is under the Red Hood?"' Jason just remains silent as the crime lord removes the dense metal from his face. For a moment there is only silence, none even daring to breathe until seconds later the quiet is shattered by both the sound of the helmet being thrown violently to the ground while Jason cackles hysterically. Roman bellows in outrage at his botched unmasking, only to be further enraged as a red haired archer sweeps into the room and frees the bound man before he has a chance to dispose of this last, unforeseen barrier. His triumph foiled, because who was he to know that under the mask of the red hood was yet another mask.~ Stephanie:.......Uh Tim, when was the last time you slept?

Dick: Hmmm, oh, wait a minute, Timmy, did you raid Alfred's stash of British crime novels and fall asleep watching cartoons again? We talked about this Tim-tam, you know what that does to you, we don't want a repeat of that time you convinced yourself that Damien was a deep cover operative sent to infiltrate our ranks. Remember how well that turned out?

Tim: You're the one who said I needed to do something other than vigilante or W.E work. As far as the incident to which you refer, it is not my fault that mole on his neck is the perfect camouflage for a micro camera, it would have been irresponsible not to investigate, I regret nothing.

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atomsmoon · 3 years

Text

Dsmp Olympus be like:

DreamXD

Most recognized and old god on the server, at first because of his powers and protection of the Holy Land... then he started showing up just to simp for the British Mushroom guy and he lost all of the intimidation factor.

Has a creepy voice lately does anyone know wassup w that?

He's around fairly often.

WILL show up if you try to set up a table on an ancient looking portal OR if you call him a homeless teletubby.. go ask Techno about it.

People are either chill with him or don't want him to show up cuz that means trouble.

Drista

Definitely the most powerful AND most chaotic.

Dream's (and DreamXD's?) sister.

Shows up once every three months to wreck havoc and hand out a couple of impossible blocks.

She built an invisible staircase to fool people into thinking they can reach the sky (and mostly to make them fall down)

Signed her name in obsidian to assert dominance.

Her and Tommy are actually good friends (their allyship first started to piss off Dream, now they enjoy messing around on the server together c: )

Probably has a good relationship w Foolish, Olympus God buddies share shulkers c:

Foolish

Totem of Undying, the new guy on the block.... unless?? He's been around long enough to have a tragic past as the Totem of Death.

He can pew pew lighting.

Apparently him and Eret go way back? Either that or he knew Herobrine 👀.

He's oddly letting himself be pushed around by two minors with a piglin child but hey at least they will pay him.. right? Guys? gUYS?? (Oh also don't comment on the chandelier it's a sore subject).

Is the tallest mf on the server reaching 27ft.. no wonder his builds are so massive.

Has recently entered a love triangle between Ponk and Sam... someone pray for him, he needs it.

Callahan

Probably the most elusive god on the smp.

He never talks. Ever. Everyone loves him nonetheless.

Sometimes reaches out as <Server> in chat or he shows up with his Captain America and Reindeer outfit.. (i like to imagine him binging Marvel movies in the Olympus when he's got nothing else to do, which admittedly is most of the time)

Was at the site of Tubbo's nuclear test.. sightseeing?

He's the one to call when something's wrong

Generally the best

Deserves the world

Ok we love him moving on

Philza Minecraft

Was called the Angel Of Death once upon a time

He lost his wings to protect Wilbur from the L'manberg explosion... dearly misses flying.

Oooold friend of Techno, some stories say they ruled an ice ridden land called The Antarctic Empire

He's technically NOT immortal but Ageless aka he can die but he's always been too cool for that

His vibe is being done with everyone's shit, just don't mess with the people he loves.

People say he's the creator of the game. They are right. This is the truth now.

He's also the person everyone yells for for IT Support... ?

His only weakness are Baby Zombies, do not ask him about it.

Egg

Egg (evil)

Now onto the: GODS *?*

Technoblade

People chant "Blood For The Blood God" but his story is very confusing and complicated, is He getting the blood for the blood god or is he the Blood God himself? Nobody's sure but Everyone knows not to fuck with him.

He actually hybernates for several weeks on end, trusting Philza to look over him.

Has a thing for wither skeletons

Possibly old as hell (see long ass friendship w Philza)

Confusing and conflicting information about his nature, some say he's a straight up pig, some say piglin, some say he's a hybrid or wearing a mask... more info needed

He can and will kick Dream's ass

... still owes him a favor tho rip.

ERET

Immortal person too??

Herobrine/ Herobrine's descendant???

Idk fam everyone just thought "this normal dude has weird eyes" then Foolish rolls around and now the questions rise in number by the second

Is a Queen nonetheless

BadBoyHalo

Demon guy

Once said he's immortal till his best friend dies... now... he took one of his lives... *it's complicated*

Actually a nice dude before he got possessed by the evil egg.

Can fix weird problems with the servers cuz console access making him another person to yell for.

Mainly just hangs around in the main area talking about muffins.

Now...

I imagine Callahan and Drista mainly chilling up there, only occasionally swinging by to check what's going on. Foolish and Phil always enjoyed hanging around on the server, building and travelling respectfully. Eventually they all ended up in the same place, who's to know if they ever met eachother in their long lives.. (yes phil and foolish give us crumbs please it is an invitation).

Everyone else is more of a demigod entity to me (apart from bbh because i do entertain the thought that everyone who has op on the server is secretly a god BUT that would make Awesamdude a god which hMMMM, but also philza would be a demigod which kINDA MAKES SENSE because he ISN'T in fact immortal- imma stop myself)

Ah and DreamXD just followed Dream around till he got stuck in the prison... oh well.. more time to simp ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#dream smp #dreamxd #drista #foolish gamers #philza #callahan #technoblade #badboyhalo #eret #dsmp olympus #awesamdude #dreamwastaken

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betweenlands · 3 years

Text

and now: dreamsmp, as explained by a yogs/hermitcraft fan who only watches tales

note - i’m a yogs fan so all of this is, as the kids say, “c![name]” unless stated otherwise

general

these white men can have so many fucking wars

do any of them even... like each other? like. nobody fills in creeper holes, they’re constantly stealing from each other and griefing shit and half the time there’s not even plot reasons behind it

y’all don’t have access to the end? like at all? i mean i GET maybe if it was modded and people had access to, like, backpacks, but it’s vanilla

“dream thinks smps die when they get to the end” dream is wrong, a coward, and a baby boy man

no shopping district? no ECONOMY? this part is fucking BAFFLING to me hello i do nothing but strip mine while listen to podcasts, i could buy and sell these idiots in diamonds. i feel like you could just say “we’re using prismarine blocks for currency now” and everyone would go fucking off it

i’m. i’m still stuck on the fact that there’s NO ECONOMY. like NONE. what the fuck. how do y’all live like this.

IT’S NOT EVEN MODDED i cannot grasp this. how is nonmodded vanilla minecraft with NO sense of honor between everyone else fun for anyone?

if you’re gonna run an anarchy server you should at least put icbm in your mod pack so people can explode each other properly

y’all have to use withers? you don’t have antimatter? w

i’m surprised people don’t get the places they logged out deathtrapped, this might as well be demise

all songs are acoustic sadboy or indiepop. i’d say “please write a diss track” but i don’t... think i want to hear that

i know “my lmanburg” is plot important but i don’t listen to ANY dsmp music by choice so i can only imagine it to the tune of my sharona

plot/characters

three lives system except it’s retroactive and makes literally no sense

there’s three immortals -- the server admin, who’s a horrible green-screen fresno nightcrawler (and is also canonically abusive? what? why would you canonize this?), a bird dude who does hardcore sometimes also, and sonic the hedgehog

i’m rooting for sonic

two children. actually a lot more than two children but there’s two very important children.

tubbo is one of the important children. he has infinity dads and i think he’s related to sips because their last names are both “underscore”. other dads include captain sparklez and maybe schlatt and probably some others too

he can make armor out of radio waves. nobody talks about this

tommy is the other important child. he’s simultaneously an uwu baby boy and also a little shit gremlin

schlatt. he’s sips but more

he’s glatt (ghost schlatt) now. which i know because he was in tales and constantly shouting GLATT

the first season was written by (irl) wilbur soot and it was apparently just hamilton? i don’t like hamilton.

IRL - he also supposedly forgot to tell schlatt his character was dying. again do these people talk to each other at all? like are they friends?

lemon microburger started out as a british drug cartel and has since been exploded like, idk, five times. i forget vanilla players have to explode things on purpose because [antimatter wind-up noise]

karl jacobs exists. he’s a time traveler. he’s very cool

charlie slimesicle pulled a nanosounds and launched himself into orbit and hasn’t come back down since

me too, buddy

foolish! he’s like, a demigod slash Totem Of (Un)Dying. he actually knows how to build! he seems neat!

...unfortunately he looks like Bench Appearo (i’m sorry)

THERE’S AN EGG hi as an old redstoner/flux buddies fan i FULLY fucking approve of egg. i love weird minecraft corruption plotlines i think we should have more of them

egg will make the plot good. join egg

there was some sort of war involving pet murder and also a railway system? might as well be happening

other stuff

fandom has one hobby and it’s discourse about who’s justified in doing what, which is baffling to me

back in my day we pointed at the unethical clone scientist whose name was a pun on hannibal lector and who did SO MUCH MURDER and went “oh he did nothing wrong whatsoever”

everyone has done war crimes but none of the fun war crimes

so does nobody do like. psychological warfare? not abuse -- like, leaving 50 signs leading to different coordinates on a wild goose chase that ends with “made you look” or tricking someone into digging their own grave

have some PANACHE! march up to the egg and leave the entire This Is Not A Place Of Honor text on signs! mix it up!

apparently people don’t like it when the production values are good, because if it’s too well-made then it’s not dreamsmp anymore? baffling if true. let people minecraft roleplay! high production values mean better plot!

something about discs i guess

okay that’s all, if i missed anything i’m supposed to talk about just tell me when you reblog the post and i’ll explain what i know

also i still can’t believe you guys don’t have even, like, a barter economy

#dream smp #dreamsmp #dsmp #txt #orig #yt #this is okay to reblog and i think you should do that #long post //#(jic you're on mobile and the readmore doesn't work)

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organic-guacamole · 3 years

Text

showtime

episode 211 let's go

ok first of all, this is the second to last episode guys... I don't even wanna think about how much pain I'll be in after next week's episode

mr mazzara doing the recap-

this is so weird to me and I don't know why

WHY DIDN'T YALL JUST ASK BENJAMIN FOR HELP, THATS LITERALLY HIS THING

is Nini giving out the cards a callback to season 1 when Natalie Bagley said that Nini gave her a card or something on opening night of another musical?

STEPHY AS THE ENCHANTRESS OMG YES

Ricky in the crown gives me Harry styles in that photoshoot vibes

he's so pretty.

ok but why did we never see Ricky and Ashlyn interact before? it's been like 5 seconds and I already love how they bounce off each other and it's just so natural

OH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTUDIES-

well that explains a lot...

so Ricky fell on top of Ashlyn and all that broke for both of them was their wrist-

insert Jake Peralta *coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt no doubt*

of course howie was amazing as the beast, were we expecting anything less??

Ricky is so beautiful and I will not shut up about it....

let me enjoy this before the makeup crew slaps mud on his face.

Nini and Ricky talking to eachother? in a civil manner? wasn't she avoiding him just in the last episode? hm ok

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY CANT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS, WHATS NEXT? THEY CUT EVERYONE OFF CUZ THEY CANT HANDLE EMOTIONS? ...ha

yes Kaden and Rico, my favourite east high boys 🥰

I mean....where's EJ?

THERE HE IS

EJ AND GINA IN THE BACKGROUND... doing something idek

KOURTNEY'S MOM IS BACK YAY

Howie is a shining star, ofc ofc

the smallest fOrk

can't wait to see the fork burst into song about how she deserves more than to be used to eat salad😌

the duster and the bluster.... ok😃

hi Gina!

hi- oh wow I didn't know Robbie Rotten was in this show!!!!!

the portwell look.

that my friends, is a married couple's look✋

GOSH EJ WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU

aww Gina's so excited for this

D word?

Die?

Delicious?

Dom Toretto?

"good, clean fun all alone with someone I dig...a lot"

sir that does not sound very clean to me

SEBLOS

Seb looks so cute standing there next to pope Carlos

DID THEYEY REALLY LIGHT ANTOINE ON FIRE-

I NEED TO SEE THAT

Seb's reading Carlos better than big red read the script in episode 102, this is great development after the "fight"

Kourtney really just made the best outfit for herself and let the rest of them suffer

the way Gina immediately goes to hold on to EJ after the announcement

"tonight we're going to put the U in UTAH"

...

"hey where are you from?"

"TAH"

SEB'S SINGULAR CLAP KILLED ME-

he's officially salt lake city's resident thanos

just wity clapping because for some reason I have a feeling he doesn't know how to snap his fingers...don't ask why

Ms Jenn do you mind encouraging your leads before the show? idk just an idea

pepto bismol product placement smhsmh

those flowers are bigger that big red himself-

*bops along to the opening theme*

that whistle at the end slaps everytime

WHY IS THE AUDIENCE SO MASSIVE

I guess they're all here to see Ms Jenn go on as a fork after Nini decides to *go her own way*

wow i am so funny

so they couldn't do many group scenes cuz of covid, but this 300 person crowd is cool? nice

OO THE VIOLIN GIRL FROM EPISODE 6 IS IN THE ORCHESTRA

HOWIEEEEEE

"Mr Caswell", he said, in the loudest voice possible while backstage at a show that's about to start.

Mazzara what are you trying to pull-

I usually like Benjamin but I don't like his tone

"iS yOuR wHoLe FaMiLy HeRe?" LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THATS A SOFT SPOT FOR EJ

"we've had some good conversations these past few weeks"

right so what's going to happen after you graduate?

what does he think of you not going to Duke?

what did he say about you giving the sweatshirt that's been in the family for 3 generations to a girl you're not even dating?

good old Mr. M

therapist Mr. Mazzara, they all need it.

start with Ricky though.

"Michael Bowen"

dude why did you shave, now you look less like "hot lumberjack" and more "creep at the gas station"

OH-

does she not like Mike anymore?

why does it sound like jennzzara started dating and now they just sit back and talk smack about everyone in their freetime

break the fourth wall-

uhhhh im scared

why am I scared

he's scary

hehe flowers for Ricky, obviously for Ricky, ObViOuSLY

oh boy poor Michael

this man is in love, rip

why does Ms Jenn always look at people with her eyes open so wide

LILYYYY

I'm only excited because I really like the idea of lily and Ricky being friends, nothing more.

ha this guy's got jokes

a MOAT AROUND THE SCHOOL

wheeze

also he's very pretty.

"the wolves and very talented humans"

how dare he forget to mention the very talented wolves and normal humans, smh erasure

"being nice, what a concept" ted talk by Lily who still doesn't have a last name

did she just say lol out loud

same with the hug emoji last episode-

go touch some grass babes

the way he didn't say no, but said he didn't know how the east high kids would react-

not saying he does want to date her but that's an interesting thing to think about, also another thing to write an essay analysis on just to leave it in my drafts for a few months

awww lily genuinely trying to help him

sorry guys, I've been taken by the Lily charm (didn't know it existed until now but oh well)

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'LL NEVER SHIP PORTWELL?

just look at me now

the Lily wink I can't she's so cute-

HELP ME I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY LIL-

David Attenborough?

oh nvm it's Benjamin narrating the show in a really weird British accent for some reason.

STEPHY GOT MORE LINES YAY GOOD FOR HER

also is this to show that Nini doesn't care about being the star of the show anymore? the way she's supporting everyone else even though she's a fork?

I would pay for a special of the full musical ngl

OOO THE TRANSFORMATION WAS SMOOTH

shockingly

yo where did the makeup come from

man I wish I was a theatre kid

THIS IS STEPHY'S EPISODE NOW IDC✋

my girl is starring

"needs an X-factor"

Simon Cowbell creeps in

"it's a yes from me"

and them boom, he takes Nini and mistreats her horribly and then she comes back to theatre after deciding music isn't for her👍

"I thought she just hog-tied him?"

don't ask sebby, it's better if you don't know.

imagine they spotlight the wrong person and this dude is just some random person that likes writing down stuff during shows.

Ms Jenn just let them do what they rehearsed (at some point we never saw) or else this is gonna end horribly wrong

"help"

same Carlos, same

I love how seb is just his translator rn

I thought he said "great displeasure" instead of "greatest pleasure"....help?

big red coming out from throwing up to see his girlfriend star is the cutest thing in this show.

Ash and Gina dancing is so fun

I'm imagining them practicing at night at their home, watching the movie for the 100th time and making sure their one dance together is perfect

KOURTNEY YES

HOWIE IS IN LOVE AHHHH

I LOVE HOWIE SO MUCH

SEBBY

THIS SCENE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON I CAN'T KEEP UP

THIS IS SO GOOD

HOW???

no because I'm actually crying

I'm dead serious.

we need this musical released as a special

big red is so proud and I love to see it

Natalie: "if you do not by at least 20 dollars in concessions, you do not support art"

rando in the audience: "but I pay for ad free Spotify"

Mr Mazzara clapping in the distance

Gigi, the guy you like is talking to you, complimenting you and hyping you up

YOU LUCKY LITTLE FEATHER DUSTER

aw EJ teasing her about the chocolates in a way that doesn't make her feel bad? take notes Richard

JORDAN FISHER

there is no rest of the show idc Jordan is it for me

THE WIG CAP ON RICKY OMG

they look like they're high and having "deep" conversations on the floor

THE MEAN GIRL WITH THE EYES-

@sunshine-julie-molina YOU HEAR THAT

Natalie really just be coming for them all

Howie what is happening rn

I'm scared

"did you enjoy it"

"very much"

dude wants a kiss so bad

ASHLYN OMG

NO DON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF LILY, PUT YOUR OWN TWIST ON IT

I want a Jordan autograph please

just keep swim- oh pushing...

Gina is literally a giant next to him and I live for it

am I about to cry for the 3rd time in this episode?

yes.

Ricky's leg kicks under the table makes me so happy aw

the portwell glances will kill me.

ah yes, mashed potato snow

Mr. M.... I'm not a theatre kid but even I know you can't have your phone on backstage.

Howie please just do it

CHIP'S BIG LINE I CANT

I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE IT AMD SCREAM INTO MY MASK FOR A SOLID 2 MINUTES (I'm not at home rn) HES SO CUTE

oh ok bye Jordan

oo tea

NOT HIM BEING STARSTRUCK BECAUSE HE'S MEETING HIS FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW-

"we're all just glad Gigi has a big brother figure in her life"

excuse me for a few thousand hours while I laugh hysterically

THE CAMERA ZOOM ON EJS FACE AND EVERYTHING-

STOP EJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRY BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY WITH THE STAGE MAKE-UP

someone else said this already but I think it's hilarious that they had to bring in 2 guest characters to create some portwell angst

omg this really is Cici's episode, found family is their thing

elevator music lol

I'm gonna bet that big red took the harness for his surprise for Ashlyn without realising what it was

did Ms. Jenn just....tell her most mentally unstable student....to commit suicide....on a disney show...was that....I'm very....well....what the actual-

oh and there she goes running off instead of trying to make it right

oh wow Nini's the hero, she's gonna save the show 🤩

😐

the judge is doing a sudoku

honestly if I went to the hsm show as well, I'd come prepared for this one too

Lily why are you looking like that-

I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU DON'T MESS THIS UP

wow ok, there goes that.

omg

what if Howie was acting weird because he knew what Lily did and wanted to tell Kourtbut Lily threatened him so he was scared to-

anyways see y'all clowns next week when we all simultaneously lose all motivation for the week without Fridays to look forward to.

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts s2 #hsmtmts season 2 #hsmtmts spoilers #ej caswell #gina porter #ricky bowen #nini salazar roberts #seb mathew smith #carlos rodriguez #big red #ashlyn caswell #kourtney greene #howie my pizza king #lily hsmtmts

27 notes · View notes

spuffybot · 3 years

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Walk Me to the Graveyard

Summary: Buffy walks through the graveyard alone at night, contemplating the past few months following the fall of Sunnydale. She reflects on her relationship with Spike, her friendships, and her future before receiving a shocking phone call.

Characters: Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Spike (mentions of Giles, Xander, Andrew, Kennedy, Faith, Wood, Angel, and Fred)

Warnings: Some adult language

Word Count: 4515

Author’s notes: If you read this, thank you. I’ve been chipping away at it for the past few weeks and I’m just glad I was able to finish something I started. “Ghostface” is a reference to the Scream movies, which Sarah Michelle Gellar had a cameo in. The high tea spot with the egg shaped bathrooms is Sketch, a place I didn’t get to visit this year due to the pandemic. I hope you all have a safe holiday season and new year. Hopefully I’ll finish the second part of this story in 2021.

Walk Me to the Graveyard (part 1)

Buffy’s joints creaked as she stood up from her crouched position. She’d been staking out this grave (no pun intended) for hours and dawn was slowly approaching. In the last few minutes the air had started to change, and she could hear the telltale rustling of birds in the trees. If this vampire was going to rise, it wouldn’t be tonight.

Stretching her arms up over her head, she rolled out her stiff shoulders, feeling strangely relieved by the lack of action.

Buffy had been coming to this cemetery every couple of nights for weeks, sniffing out even the barest hint of vampire activity. Technically she could have assigned graveyard duty to any of the Potentials, but she craved the silence and the normalcy of the activity.

She chuckled to herself. How far she’d come that she could relish a few hours of graveyard haunting and call it normal. If only her sixteen-year-old self could see her now.

The truth was she was tired. After the fall of Sunnydale, she’d been fueled by an insatiable need to just keep moving. Giles had suggested they hole up in LA and take refuge with Angel Investigations, but Buffy refused. She wanted to get started on rebuilding as soon as possible. They couldn’t afford to waste time in LA, on Angel’s turf, killing time as his sidekicks while thousands of girls woke up with powers they couldn’t explain. So instead the Scoobies had moved to London, taking on the role of de-facto Watchers Council. They’d rounded up the few surviving members of the former Council and had started reaching out to as many activated Potentials as possible.

They recruited the ones they could and provided support (emotional and financial) to the ones they couldn’t. It was rewarding and it kept her mind off things.

Things like telling a man she loved him only to have him choose death over a future with her.

Buffy kicked a crumbling headstone, cursing when she stubbed her toe.

She knew that wasn’t fair. Spike died saving the world. It was a sacrifice she’d made more than once, and she knew how much she resented the people she left behind for not understanding the weight of that choice. She didn’t want to sully the memory of his heroics with her bitterness. She just couldn’t help it. Besides, focusing on missing Spike was easier than accepting she didn’t know how to function now that she wasn’t the “one girl in all the world.” The irony of having an identity crisis over getting the one thing she’d always thought she wanted was not lost on her. She should be grateful that she wasn’t the only Slayer. Grateful that her future was finally hers to shape. Instead she just felt lost.

It didn’t help that everyone around her was adjusting to this new life and mission like they were born to it. Dawn was training to be a Watcher, and frankly, they needed as many as they could get. The Slayer to Watcher ratio had been drastically tipped and it was only a matter of time before things got out of control.

Faith and Wood had stayed behind in America, taking up shop at the Hellmouth in Cleveland. It was weird to think of Faith as the reigning defender of the Hellmouth, but it felt right. With Wood by her side she would stay grounded and on track. He understood the mission better than most.

Giles was in his glory. He’d vetted the surviving Watchers, firing some gleefully and taking others under his wing. Between them they’d established a kind of Watchers Hogwarts, training Watchers by day and guiding Potential Slayers on field missions by night. He was happy, which was something she’d never really seen him be before. Their relationship had taken a hit in the last few years and while she wasn’t ready to forgive him for everything, she didn’t begrudge him his success. Her Watcher had floundered ever since he was fired, unable to find purpose while she and her friends had grown up around him. Seeing as she suddenly found herself in a similar position it was hard not to understand how he’d gone off track. Besides, she’d lost enough people to know she wasn’t going to lose anymore. She’d fix things with Giles, eventually. For now, she’d just settle for on the same continent and on polite speaking terms.

Xander and Andrew led the Potential Identification and Retrieval Taskforce. They came up with the name. Obviously. They spent their days traveling the world, chasing down leads and giving their best “join team save the world” sales pitch to scared and angry girls.

Buffy smiled thinking about them. The last time they’d video chatted, Xander had looked better than she’d seen him in years. He’d lost the chip on his shoulder that he’d been carrying since they graduated high school. For the first time in his life he was the best person for the job, and he knew it. Trustworthiness and warmth radiated from him and his knowledge of tactics and the cost of the fight lent him an authenticity the girls were drawn to. He never bullshitted or misled them, but he did inspire them. Like he’d inspired all of the Scoobies over the years to keep on fighting.

The sun was starting to peak over the horizon, and a misty fog enveloped the graveyard. She knew she was dawdling but she couldn’t bring herself to rush home. The alarms would be ringing any second now, Potentials and Watchers scrambling to the mess hall for breakfast before a day of study and training.

Technically she didn’t have any classes to teach until the afternoon, but Giles liked the staff to be present in the morning. He said it communicated solidarity and responsibility. Personally, she thought Dawn had just made him watch the Harry Potter movies one too many times.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, but she let it go to voicemail. It was either Willow calling to say she had another hit on the Potential alert locator spell or Giles calling to ask where she was.

Either way it could wait.

She just wanted to be in the quiet for a little bit longer.

That’s what she missed the most about Spike. Having someone she could be in the quiet with. He had always seemed to know what she needed, anticipating her every mood and desire.

She’d never met anyone she could just be alone with before him. He never expected anything of her other than to just be. In this chaotic mess of a life she now led she craved his company and his silence. Since she couldn’t have that she came to the cemetery. The dead kept her company in a way the living never could. The occasional scuffle with a vampire didn’t hurt either. The familiar comfort of a stake in her pocket, grave dust on her shoes, her breath quickening for the thrill of the kill, reminding her that even though everything had changed, some things never would.

Her phone buzzed again.

She frowned, wondering why she couldn’t even get a few hours of peace before the sun was fully risen.

Flipping it open she saw two missed calls from a number she didn’t recognize. No voicemail.

It was probably someone trying to sell her something.

Technically her phone was spelled against telemarketers, but magic was fickle. If someone really needed to reach her, they would call the office and leave a message with her secretary.

God. How had she ended up here?

When they’d first arrived in London she’d panicked. Back in California it had seemed so clear. Get to London, find the Watchers, find the Potentials, save the world. Simple.

Except once they arrived there had been bureaucracy and red tape to get through. The surviving Watchers had needed convincing and playing nice with morons wasn’t Buffy’s strong suit. After one particularly eventful meeting that ended with some snide British dude’s head slamming into a wall Giles and Willow had pushed her to take a back seat on the negotiations. Much to everyone’s shock, she listened.

As soon as she stopped leading she felt a huge weight lift off her shoulders. Without meetings and planning sessions to fill her days she’d found herself wandering the streets of London with Dawn, playing tourist.

They were having high tea at this ridiculous spot with baby pink furniture and weird egg-shaped toilets when it hit her. She could walk away. The Hellmouth was gone, and there were more than enough Slayers to pick up the slack. Her friends would be disappointed but eventually they would understand. As she sat there watching Dawn sample pastries, no fear of imminent death getting in the way of her fun, Buffy couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like. This could be their every day.

They could finish out the summer backpacking through Europe then head home to America to finish school and settle down. She was pretty sure she’d heard somewhere that there were hardly any vampires in New Jersey.

She was so wrapped up in the fantasy that she almost missed what Dawn said as they were walking home to their flat.

“Sorry, what with the what now?”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “I said, it’s crazy how there’s this whole world out here and no one was helping keep it safe before.”

“Ummm excuse me, Slayer here, has saved the world, a lot. Even got a nice shiny headstone for my troubles.”

“Obviously but...you were always in Sunnydale. And sure, most of the big bad world endy guys ended up there too but...what about all the other regular level baddies hurting everyday people? I mean, look at them all.”

Dawn stopped and looked around, forcing Buffy to take it all in. The couples strolling along, groups of friends, kids in strollers. The street was flooded with people going about their day. As soon as that sun went down, they’d be joined by all the things that went bump in the night.

“I just think it’s kind of amazing what we’re about to do. For the first time we’ll be able to protect people all over the world. These people will have a chance like they’ve never had before. Like everyone in Sunnydale got because you were around. We can give that to them. I’m just...glad.”

Buffy’s heart warmed even as dreams of running away slipped from her grasp. Dawn was right. This was her calling. She’d find a way to live with it. Normalcy would never be available to her and the sooner she embraced that, the sooner she could start working towards happiness.

At least that’s what Willow was always saying.

Willow who saw a therapist three times a week and a substance abuse counselor twice a week.

After the battle she and Kennedy had parted ways. Their relationship had run its course and Kennedy wasn’t interested in staying on Team Scooby. Instead she took her slaying act on the road, traveling town to town looking for monsters to hunt and people to save. Occasionally she’d run into a Potential and send a heads up their way. She seemed happy. Everyone seemed happy. Buffy just couldn’t seem to find her groove.

Ironically, Willow was the only one to notice how out of sorts Buffy was. Maybe it was all the therapy or maybe it was just that she was more herself than she’d been in a long time, but Willow had become Buffy’s sole confidant these past few months. If she thought about it too much she knew she’d cry. It hadn’t occurred to her how much she’d missed her best friend until she got her back.

At first when Willow tried to reach out, Buffy had been cold and distant. Willow understood, even writing Buffy a letter to explain that she respected her need for distance after the way she had torched their friendship and Buffy’s trust. The letter had melted something in Buffy’s heart. It was the first time Willow had really acknowledged the fact that their sisterhood had been a casualty of Willow’s addiction.

The first time they sat down for coffee together felt like coming home. Willow seemed lighter, more like the girl Buffy had met her sophomore year of high school than the all-powerful Wicca she had come to know lately. She seemed shy, hesitant to take too much from Buffy, a reticence that allowed her to give more than she had intended to when she agreed to meet.

By their third coffee date it was clear that they were going to push through this. When a third turned into a fourth and fifth they decided to just make it a standing girl’s night. Every Tuesday for the rest of their lives.

Last Tuesday they’d finally broached the subject of Spike. Buffy had been dreading this, afraid to pick at the scab only to be met with judgment and condemnation. She wasn’t sure their renewed friendship could handle it. As much as she loved having Will back, Spike was a sensitive spot and she was afraid of how she’d react if Willow said something she didn’t like.

“Buffy, I tried to end the world. What’s a little bumpin of the uglies between former enemies compared to that? I am judgement free Willow of the no judgies zone.”

Willows face scrunched up like it did sometimes when she was trying to find the right words, her nose crinkling and her eyes rolling skyward.

“I just want you to be ok. And if that means loads of tasty mochas and squishy details about Spike sex, I am all ears. I’ve even got marshmallows.”

Buffy saw the sincerity on her friends face and felt something crack deep inside her. She’d been prepared for judgment at worst and stoic acceptance at best. Being met with such openness and warmth took her by surprise and she found she couldn’t hold back anymore. Her eyes welled up and before she could reign it in and full body sobs shook her.

As she cried, Willow rubbed her back and let her get it all out, careful to avoid pushing her to talk. It was exactly what she’d needed to be able to open up.

And open up she did. It was like the levies broke and all the confusion and hurt came pouring out. She told Willow about what happened in the Hellmouth. About her last days with Spike, how he supported her and strengthened her when no one else could, or would. This last part she said without any venom, all her anger and resentment at Willow long gone.

She even spoke about their last night together. How they’d made love in the basement, on that shitty cot. The first and only time they’d ever been truly intimate, Buffy’s walls fully down, her heart totally exposed.

“I know having sex with someone isn’t like, a big deal or anything. Especially when you’ve had sex as many times as we did.”

Buffy cringed as the words left her mouth. The familiar guilt over her physical affair with Spike flaring up.

“No!” Willow exclaimed.

“Buffy no. It is a big deal. It’s like, the biggest of deals. You and sex haven’t exactly had the most copacetic relationship, no offense.”

She smiled apologetically, eliciting a soft laugh from Buffy despite the anxiety that was clenching her gut.

“If you let yourself feel something good with Spike, even just that one time, it’s important. Special. You shouldn’t downplay that. He loved you and you let him show it to you. It’s romantic.”

At that Buffy really laughed.

“God Will. Spike. Romantic.”

Willow laughed too.

“You know...it’s not that weird. Remember when he kidnapped me and Xander? He wanted me to do a love spell for Drusilla. I think he’s always had a romantic streak. In a weird, murdery, vampire kinda way”

Buffy shook her head in amusement.

“Did I ever tell you Spike was a poet when he was human?”

Willows eye widened, and her hands flew to cover her cackling laugh.

“A poet? Oh my gosh. That’s...that’s too good.”

Buffy took a sip of her mocha, relishing the warm caffeinated goodness before adding, “he would kill me for telling you this but, the best part is the whole “William the Bloody” thing? That’s because he had a reputation for being such a terrible poet.”

At that Willow dissolved into full on giggles, hands clutching her stomach

“Ugggggh ok ok, I’m done laughing. Promise. Also why is that so cute? That’s so cute. Little Spike the poet.”

Buffy sighed. “The thing is Spike has this immense capacity for love. Even as a violent serial killer he was still driven by love. It scared me. That he was so willing to throw himself headfirst into love without a shadow of doubt. I’ve never...I’ve never been like that.”

She looked up at Willow, trying to read her reaction. The witch just nodded encouragingly for her to go on.

“I just...I told Giles once that I didn’t know if I could love. I was worried I was broken, like all the slaying made me cold and loveless or something.”

“Buffy, no,” Willow cut in, but Buffy held up a hand to stop her.

“I know it’s not true. I died to save Dawn, to save all of you, weeks after I said that.” Buffy’s eyes filled up again but this time she swallowed it down and wiped them clean.

“He really loved me Will. And I don’t know that I was in love with him but that last night we spent together...I kind of thought that I could be, someday. You know? I wanted him to know that. To know that there was a chance for us. I figured we’d have all the time in the world after...”

Buffy trailed off, suddenly tired. She didn’t need to explain the rest. How Spike had died, believing she’d never love him. How all the time she thought she’d have to figure out if she could evaporated in a burst of fire and ash.

—————————

She’d reached the cemetery gates just as the sun broke through the horizon. Her car was covered in dew, glistening in the hazy morning light.

She still couldn’t believe she had learned how to drive. And on the wrong side of the road! Her mom would die of shock if she were still around.

The thought of Joyce made her wistful. If only her mom could see her now. In her heart Buffy new her mom would be proud of the choices she’d made. She’d encourage her to let go of the past and focus on the future. She’d be overjoyed to know that Buffy had a future now. Sure, it still involved a massive amount of slayage but for the first time in a long time, the fate of the world didn’t rest solely on her shoulders. Her mom would tell her to embrace that and to live this new life to the fullest.

I’m trying mom.

Her phone buzzed again, and this time Buffy yanked it out in annoyance and flipped it open.

“What do you want?”

The silence on the other end only ticked her off more. If it was so important for someone to call her three times before she’d even had a cup of tea they could freaking respond when she finally picked up.

“Hello? I’m hanging up in three seconds if you don’t get all un-ghostface on me and just tell me what you want.”

She heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. Her annoyance bled to curiosity and she willed herself to be patient.

Infusing her voice with a level of calm she didn’t feel, she asked “Do you need help or something? I don’t know how you got this line if you’re not part of Scooby Central but…you got me.”

The silence eked on for seconds that felt like minutes before the caller sighed. Buffy’s pulse shot up, anticipation making her antsy. She shuffled from foot to foot, fighting her instinct to hang up. If this was a Potential calling for help she needed to wait it out.

Finally, a voice broke through the silence.

“Slayer?”

Buffy dropped the phone on the ground, her fingers losing the ability to function along with her brain, which had gone fuzzy and staticky at the sound of the all too familiar voice on the other end of the line.

She stared down at her phone, the call still connected, wondering if she had fallen asleep somehow.

A muffled “bloody hell” came out of the fallen phone, causing Buffy to gasp and jump back. She crouched down low, getting as close to the phone as she could without actually picking it back up.

“Shit. SHIT. Spike?”

The muttering and cursing stopped.

“Slayer…yea. It’s a long story. But yea.”

Buffy felt her limbs turn to jelly and she sat down on the cold gravel, her head falling into her hands. A sob bubbled up from her chest, turning into a laugh that she couldn’t control. She giggled for a solid minute before gingerly picking her phone up and pressing it to her ear.

“How? You better explain yourself right now.” Her voice was edged with steel, anxiety and adrenaline giving way to nervous anger. If this was someone’s idea of a sick joke she was going to get murdery.

She could almost hear Spike roll his eyes.

“Good god woman, can’t I come back to life without brassing you off?”

She bit her lip to stop a smile, not willing to let hope overrule a protective layer of skepticism.

Rocking back on her heels Buffy gulped down the crisp morning air, willing her body to calm down so she could take stock of the situation. Her dead ex sort of boyfriend was calling her…she looked at the phone number quickly…from LA. Ok. She could handle this. She was the Slayer, queen of things that go bump in the night and let’s face it, this wasn’t her first ex to come back from the great beyond. If Angel could do it…Angel.

“Spike, why are you calling me from LA?”

He sighed again and she could picture him rubbing the back of his neck, a grimace on his face as he debated the best way to tell her what was going on.

Despite the rush of anger, her heart warmed at the thought.

“Eh look, I said it was complicated. I just thought it was right. Telling you I was alive. Thought you should know is all.”

Whatever ice had melted in her heart immediately froze back up. No way was Spike going to call her from beyond the grave and then immediately get shady and secretive.

“So, is that your weird dodgy British way of saying you’re not going to tell me why you’re calling me from LA? Where Angel lives? Are you with Angel?”

She heard Spike mutter something to himself that sounded an awful lot like “bloody bint”. She rolled her eyes and stood up, pacing the lot in an attempt to keep her temper in check.

“Yea. Alright yea.”

His voice had changed, his accent becoming sharper, and she knew he was starting to get worked up.

“I’m in LA and I’m with Angel. If you want to talk to him you can damn well call him yourself. I don’t know what I was thinking. Bloke comes back as a sodding ghost, gets himself corporealized by a nice scientist bird and calls his girl up and she wants to know about Angel. Figures.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, not even bothering to interrupt his tirade. She knew he’d run out of steam eventually.

“Are you finished?”

Spike sighed again and Buffy felt the fight go out of her. She sat down on the hood of her car, overwhelmed by the emotions swirling within.

“Yea Slayer. I’m finished.”

Buffy’s shoulders slumped and she laid back, gazing up at the sky. It was going to be a cloudy day.

“How?”

“That’s the million-dollar question love. Seems no one can answer it.”

“Wait.” Buffy sat up; brow furrowed in concentration as she started to put together the various odd things Spike had said so far.

“You were a ghost?”

She tried to picture that. Spike all floaty and haunty. The image made her chuckle, which she quickly tried to suppress.

“Yea, yea, yea, laugh it up. I don’t know if I was a ghost. I was a something. Couldn’t touch, couldn’t feel. Just trapped at bloody Wolfram & Hart with your beloved Prince of Brooding.”

“Wolf ram and what now?”

“It doesn’t matter. Done what I set to do. You know. Guess I’ll let you get back to it then.”

Buffy felt white hot anger burning in her chest. Did he really think he was going to call her up, say hey, and then leave? Maybe forever? Who did he think he was?

“Fine,” she spat out.

“Fine,” came Spike’s huffy reply.

They’d reached a stalemate and Buffy did the only thing she could think of doing.

She hung up.

She stuffed the phone in her pocket, unlocking the car door and sliding into the front seat. She stared out the frosted windshield for a moment before screaming at the top of her lungs. When that didn’t calm the storm she felt brewing inside she slammed her hands repeatedly into the steering wheel. The metal and leather began to crunch and warp under the weight of her blows but she didn’t care. She felt like someone had set her insides on fire. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t cry, couldn’t do anything but scream and rage into the void.

Eventually she ran out of steam. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed but her throat was raw. Rubbing her face she switched into Slayer mode. Something was up and she was going to get to the bottom of it. Cagey Spike and his caginess be damned.

She forwarded the number he’d called her from to Willow and Andrew. Between the two of them they’d be able to trace it and dig up some dirt on where Spike was. As for how he got there, she was going to need boots on the ground. Luckily Kennedy had last checked in from Arizona a couple of days ago. She couldn’t be far from there and she owed Buffy more than one favor. She might not be Spike’s biggest fan, but she would do some recon and get Buffy the answers she needed. Once she knew what was going on, she could show up in LA and punch Spike and Angel in the face herself.

Buffy felt calmer. She had a plan. It wasn’t perfect but it was a start.

She’d let Spike get away once before. This time would be different. She didn’t know why or how but it seemed the Powers That Be had given her a second chance.

She wouldn’t waste it.

—end—

85 notes · View notes

imaginesandinserts · 3 years

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Irreverent Drabbles: A Very Derek Christmas

Title: Irreverent Drabbles: A Very Derek Christmas Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader Rating: G Words: 2514

Irreverent Series Masterlist

ONLY READ THIS IF YOU’VE ALREADY READ THROUGH PART 39 OF THE MAIN IRREVERENT SERIES

"You're coming home with me for Christmas."

You look up at Derek as the two of you walk out to the parking garage. It was the week before the whole team would be off for the holidays and it marked the first without Emily. The realization that it was only the first of many more Christmases and birthdays without her was more than you were willing to deal with, so you pushed it to the back, hoping to simply forget about it.

"I have plans," you tell him, hoping he won't see through your lie. You had plans - if plans included sitting at home by yourself and drinking.

"Cancel them. I already booked your ticket."

Arguing with him would be pointless. Instead you roll your eyes with a smile and thank him.

You had a feeling he felt it was his job now, with both Emily and Hotch gone, to make sure you were alright. Like some sort of divine calling from Emily up above. Below? Who knows really, though you'd like to think she's in heaven. If there was a heaven.

*------------*

Fran Morgan had raised three kids almost entirely on her own. All of her children had turned out good, and both of her daughters were married. Now, if only Derek could find a nice girl to settle down with, she could feel like her job was done.

He'd called and told her he was bringing a friend home for Christmas - a female friend. She didn't like that he just called her a friend. Her son should know better than to think he could sneak one by his mother. Derek had never brought a girl home before and now he was bringing one to meet the whole family for the holidays. She wasn't born yesterday.

*------------*

The Morgan family was warm, welcoming, and just what you needed that year. Something to help you forget how shitty life had been lately. A reminder that good things like family and fun and heart were still concepts in the world. Maybe not your world. But other people's, and well, that was something at least.

You and Derek were both conscious of the implication of him bringing a girl home for the holidays. He'd already warned you that his mother would think that the two of you were together and would do her best to worm it out of you. There wasn't anything to worm out, but you both knew that from the outside looking in, your relationship was…odd to say the least.

Derek was every bit the man his mother had raised him to be, especially around you. He made an effort to hold doors open and walk on the outside of the sidewalk and had a hand on your lower back if it was just the two of you. The thing was, none of this was new or a direct product of Emily dying. The two of you had always had an easy and natural chemistry. It was just more of it now that neither of you had anyone else to have this with.

You'd both expected some amount of weirdness after that one time you'd made out on his couch. And yet, nothing changed. He still trained with you. The two of you still shared a bed when you could, because sleeping next to someone was simply nicer. Neither one of you was dating someone so it wasn't wrong or anything, though you still made an effort to make sure neither Reid nor Rossi caught on to the bed sharing.

In Derek's childhood home, his mother led you to the room his sisters grew up in while Derek took his old bedroom. Mrs. Morgan - or as she'd asked that you call her, Fran - intimidated you. She had a look in her eye that told you she saw way more than she let on and that made you a little uneasy despite her kindness and warmth.

*------------*

You were pretty, exactly Derek's type, his sisters had remarked. Fran and both her daughters were on edge, waiting to catch the two of you in a moment that betrayed what they all suspected - that Derek Morgan had brought home a girl that mattered. The three of them watched you like hawks, comparing notes on any little thing they caught.

Desiree had seen her brother bring you a mug of hot chocolate, filled to the brim with marshmallows, because apparently that's how you liked it. She'd stood in the kitchen, pretending to make herself some tea as she watched Derek hand you the mug and tease you about the number of marshmallows you'd demanded. There was a look in your eyes, a sparkle that she recognized from when she'd first fallen in love with Keith. The sparkle he would get in his eyes when she said something that made him fall just a little more in love with her. That sparkle meant something.

Sarah noted that Derek laughed more with you. Her brother was always a fun guy but with you it was like his normally buoyant personality got a boost. He was showing off for you, trying to make you laugh, he was trying and the Derek they knew didn't try for any girl. Girls tried for him. The two of you had taken it upon yourself to finish decorating the tree for their Ma and Derek had watched as you struggled to reach the very top of the tree to put the star on it. Instead of doing it for you, he'd lifted you up, hands wrapped around your waist, as if you weighed nothing and helped you put it on the top yourself. That look in his eyes - that look of pure adoration - that look meant something. How could it possibly not?

Fran had kept an eye on both of your bedroom doors at night, knowing her son wouldn't be able to resist sneaking over to sleep next to his girlfriend. Yet, as far as she could tell, the two of you stayed in your own rooms the entire night. Maybe he was just being respectful because it was his Ma's house. Yeah, maybe.

Desiree had been the one to put mistletoe up around the entire house. Then all three Morgan ladies waited, and waited, and waited. Until finally, the two of you happened to walk under the piece of mistletoe dangling above the entrance to the kitchen. You laughed, the barest of color in your cheeks as you went up on your toes and quickly kissed Derek's cheek. He didn't lean in. He didn't make it linger. It was over in the blink of an eye. All three of them looked at one another, completely confused. Well now what? What would it take to get you two to admit it?

*------------*

"You wanna go out for a bit?" Derek had asked you.

The two of you had been in Chicago for two days, most of which were spent participating in good old fashioned American Christmas traditions. His family had made it really easy for you to forget about your work and Emily and Doyle for a bit. It was a welcome respite.

Derek led you out through the garage, where you nearly stumbled and fell, dragging a tarp down with you. You'd uncovered an old motorcycle that looked like it hadn't been touched in years.

Derek laughs, helping you up. "I didn't know we still had that."

"Is it yours?" you asked, appraising it with some interest. You recognized it as an old 1980s Katana.

"It was my dad's," he explains. "I rode it around town as soon as I was big enough, though my Ma hated it. She was always worried I'd hurt myself."

You chuckle. You could see a younger, more rebellious version of Derek, sneaking out with the bike to pick up a girl.

Derek notes your curiosity. "Do you ride?"

"Yeah. It was really more Julian's thing," you tell him, your hands brushing over the handles. "But I asked my friend to teach me after Julian died. I had his old bike shipped over and rode it all through training."

Derek listens with interest. You didn't talk much about your brother and it was new to see you have some positive familial relationships. "This the same friend from New York that you…," he trails off, but you know what he means.

You smile, feeling a small pang in your chest. "His name's John," you explain, your voice soft. "I haven't seen him in a while. Not since my first Christmas with the Bureau."

Derek doesn't push. If you wanted to tell him more, you would. He can't help but think that John sounds like a cool dude. Your voice got all soft and fluttery when you talked about him. Completely different from when you talk about your ex, Matthew. He wonders if that's all he was - a friend.

The implication that you haven't slept with anyone since your first Christmas with the Bureau isn't lost on him. He couldn't imagine having gone that long without.

*------------*

Christmas morning, Desiree and Sarah arrive with both of their families and the Morgan home is filled with children and laughter and happiness. Derek is a good uncle, you note. He rough houses with the boys and will let the girls paint his nails and play tea party with them. The two of you while away an hour, pretending to drink tea and speaking in exaggerated British accents.

The family exchanges presents. You'd gotten something for all of the kids when you and Derek had gone out. You're not expecting anything, yet Fran hands you two wrapped packages. The first is from the entire Morgan family. Your first night there, they'd all been over for dinner and Fran had made sure to get a photo of everyone sitting around the table. You'd been sat next to Derek and you were both smiling, his hand around the back of your chair. Fran had framed it for you along with an invitation to come back anytime.

"Fran, thank you so much," your voice broke just a bit. Instead of saying anything else and embarrassing yourself, you chose to just hug her and allow her to wrap her arms around you. You understood where Derek got his incredible hugging ability from.

"Oh honey, we mean it. Anytime," she says, patting your cheek softly.

You open the next gift from Derek to reveal a vinyl record of an EDM artist both you and Emily had raved about and would constantly play in the plane when given the chance. You look up at Derek, unsure of what to say, so the only thing that comes out is, "You got me a vinyl EDM record?"

He laughs. "It's a vinyl record because you're bougie now you can have your ratchet music playing from that fancy record player."

You feel your eyes well up just slightly. He'd remembered the artist, he'd obviously gone through the effort of having a custom vinyl record made. And it was Emily's favorite too.

You blink back your tears. Not in front of people. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now let's see what you got me," he says with an exaggerated wink, eliciting a laugh from you.

Derek opens his present to unveil an autographed rookie card to one Walter Payton, legendary running back to the Chicago Bears. You watch in glee as his eyes bug out.

He looks up at you in shock. "How…?"

You smirk, knowing that it was the perfect present.

*------------*

Later that afternoon, you're helping Fran in the kitchen with the gingerbread cookies which Derek and his brothers-in-law are entertaining the kids in the living room. Desiree and Sarah had gone out to grab some stuff from the store for their mother. The news is playing in the background as you and Fran use the cookie cutters to cut out the gingerbread men for the kids to decorate.

Fran is telling you about how, when Derek was younger, he used to sneak spoons of sugar before dinner and then get stomach aches to skip out on school the next day. She can hear you chuckling as your head is bent over the cookie dough. However, the next second she can feel you tense. She looks up to see you frozen, cookie cutter in hand, eyes trained intensely on the TV in the living room. She watches as you and her son exchange a look and you excuse yourself from the kitchen.

You were gone for around twenty minutes and when you returned, your phone was ever present in your hand. You tried to act as though nothing had happened, but she didn't need to be a profiler like her son to know that something had changed.

You faked your way through dinner, before excusing yourself to go to bed early. Fran pulled her son aside and asked what the matter was. She sees his eyes dart to your bedroom door, behind which you'd disappeared moments before.

"The news earlier today, there was a bomb that went off in Pakistan. We've got someone there," he explains. "Someone important."

That look in her son's eyes - the look that she as his mother could read like the back of her hand. That guilty look that tells her that something wasn't quite right, something wasn't quite perfect about the two of you together. In that moment, Fran Morgan realizes, you and her son - it was nothing more than a pipe dream. Oh you mattered, you definitely mattered. But there was someone out there that mattered a little more than her son ever would to you.

She pats Derek's cheek and he leans into the comfort of his mother's touch. Kissing his Ma on the cheek, he walks down the hallway, and for the first time that entire week, she sees him slip inside your room.

*------------*

Derek had seen the raw fear in your eyes as you both caught the news regarding the bomb in Pakistan. You'd excused yourself and made a call to Penelope, asking her to keep you informed on any casualties or injuries. Anything at all.

Derek enters your room that night and sees you in bed with the phone next to your pillow. Your eyes are closed but he knows you're not asleep. He doesn't go to your bed. Instead he sits in the armchair by the window, turned towards you. Going to lay by you now felt wrong somehow. Because Derek. Derek knew even if you didn't.

Sometime around three in the morning, your phone buzzes and there is a message from Penelope. You blink and squint to read the screen in the dark room. Derek has been sitting in that chair for hours, the two of you pretending to sleep though neither one could.

Your voice is heavy as you speak. "He reported for duty this morning," you tell him.

Derek nods wordlessly before standing to go back to his own room.

#Criminal Minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds reader insert #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner x you #hotch #hotchner x you #hotch x you #derek morgan #derek morgan x reader

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frasier-crane-style · 3 years

Text

Watching Snyder League

-Diana literally vaporizes a guy armed with nothing but an assault rifle.

-Also, these have gotta be like the dumbest terrorists. Their plan:

A. Send multiple armed gunmen to take hostages.

B. Stall for time

C. Set off a suitcase bomb on a one minute countdown (why not just set it off immediately? It's In The Script)

You have a suitcase bomb--just park a car somewhere, set the timer, leave it in the trunk, and walk away. You can kill as many people as you want without losing any of your own guys.

-Superman's scream sends out five separate shockwaves. Which makes me think the guy's milking it, personally.

- I'm amused that both SOP for the Amazons is having, like, fifty people standing around guarding the Mother Box. AND that they don't ramp up security after it wakes up.

- And there's this system of burying the Mother Box. Which 1. seems like the only way to get there in the first place is to teleport in. What good is this system against a teleporter?

2. It takes six guards to suicide themselves by knocking down pillars, which seems like--in five thousand years, you couldn't come up with something where you just pull a level from twenty feet away?

This is the problem with the Amazons. They're all women, so none of them go into STEM fields.

- It's also real weird that this Bruce Wayne doesn't even try to hide that he's Batman. He just walks right up to Aquaman and goes "hey, Bruce Wayne, I'm also Batman." And remember, he's getting the Justice League together entirely based on a hunch. At least in Josstice League, there were Parademons all up in Gotham.

- And should I even bother to ask why Darkseid's people can't just bring three new Mother Boxes to Earth? Are those the only three? If so, you'd think they'd try to get them back sooner. Like, A LOT sooner.

- Okay, this was supposed to come out one year before Infinity War, but still, it was pretty obvious what Marvel was doing with Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet. They had to know they were inviting comparisons.

-I love the implication, tho, that Darkseid just lost track of the Mother Boxes and just... no one realized they were back on Earth. And they have Parademons that can specifically sniff out the Mother Boxes.

-And if Superman dying was such a momentous occasion that it woke up a Mother Box, why not the Old Gods dying? Why not Ares dying? Wouldn't that have left Earth just as undefended?

-I have no idea why any of this is happening a couple years after Superman debuted and then died and not in, like, 1446.

-Are the Mother Boxes like finicky computers? Do you need to turn them off and on again? When Superman showed up, did they shut down for real, and then he died, so they came back on for real? Is it like a Windows 95 thing, where you can't JUST turn the computer off, you have to go to the start menu and press Shutdown and then wait for it to close up shop?

-It’s so weird that this is supposed to be a Dark, Mature Adaptation For Adults! And it doesn’t have the same basic logic you’d get from an episode of Power Rangers.

-So. Much. Daddy issues.

-Please stop letting Ezra Miller improv.

-They cast like the gayest man in America to play the one guy with a love interest.

-Diana: "I lost someone I loved once." Well, twice, but who's counting?

-All those reshoots and they couldn't get Amber Heard to knock off the British accent?

-Why is Desaad, of all people, Darkseid’s dragon? Is it just because they were rifling through all the Fourth World saga to find the few guys with scary names instead of Granny Goodness or Virman Vundabar?

- And they really play up Darkseid appearing to Steppenwolf, but we've not only already seen him in the big flashback, we saw him get his ass kicked by Zeus of all people.

- And the whole thing where Steppenwolf is part of Darkseid's 'family' really isn't helping the Thanos-Nebula-Gamora comparison.

-It's weird to introduce Darkseid as the guy who was already beaten once. Wouldn't it make more sense that Steppenwulf was the guy who lost, and that allowed Darkseid to take over, and now he's trying to redeem himself for his defeat? Or that Darkseid was never defeated at all, but someone stole the Anti-Life Equation from him and hid it on Earth? Something. Instead, it’s literally just randomly burnt into the crust of the Earth, Darkseid discovers it, then forgets all about it for reasons the movie doesn’t get into despite being four damn hours long.

-It’s only the central plot, whatever, forget about it.

- Pretty sure Kal eye-lasered a couple Army guys to death after he was resurrected, not that he ever gives a shit.

-Third big reveal of Darkseid. Come on, you've shown him three times now. We've heard him talk.

-And this does the same thing as Josstice League with Superman being more powerful than the rest of the JLA put together. Here, he even no-sells Steppenwolf's axe. He just lets it hit him and it doesn’t do shit. So Doomsday could kill him, but Steppenwolf can't even scratch him. And yet Wonder Woman seems pretty evenly matched with both, if not outclassed by Steppenwolf.

-Barry Allen spends the whole climax running in a circle. And he fails at it! Dude's really retarded when he doesn't have Team STAR Labs cheering him on.

-He also casually travels back in time to undo his side getting a Game Over, which makes you wonder how any conflict in this universe can ever have any stakes. Say what you will about Endgame, but at least they explain why time travel can’t solve every problem they ever have.

-Hell, the Mother Boxes can bring people back to life. The example used is literally “it can turn smoke back into a house.” Why not bring Joe Morton back to life? He did a good job in T2, c’mon.

-Speaking of, according to TV Tropes, Ray Fisher got to come up with his own backstory for Cyborg (”I don't praise Chris Terrio and Zack Snyder for simply putting me in Justice League. I praise them for EMPOWERING me (a black man with no film credits to his name) with a seat at the creative table and input on the framing of the Stones before there was even a script!”), which makes it kinda hilarious that this movie’s characterization of Cyborg is that he’s a genius sports hero who also loves helping out the underprivileged.

-AND his big conflict with his dad is that Silas Stone was never there for him, as literally represented by there being an empty seat next to his mom at Vic’s big sportsball game. So apparently the black experience is indistinguishable from Austin Powers In Goldmember. Who knew?

-What else? It's weird that the narrative tries to put some importance in Martha Kent, but then in her big scene with Lois, she's really Martian Manhunter (not kidding) and when Superman is resurrected, he hears encouraging words ONLY from Jor-El and Jonathan. All she really contributes to the story is hugging Superman after he comes back.

-Also, Batman spends a lot of time in the climax shooting people with a rifle. They're bug people and it's, like, a Halo rifle, but still. You can tell Snyder's just chomping at the bit to have Batman carry around a Colt Commando.

-They give no shits about secret identities in this, so why do they still bother with putting a shitty distortion effect on Batfleck's voice? He has a pretty good Batman voice outside the suit, but once he puts it on, he starts sounding like he's giving a blowjob to Daft Punk.

-One of the movie’s, like, four cliffhangers is Lex Luthor telling Deathstroke about Batman’s secret identity, because Deathstroke has a private vendetta against Batman and is out to get him. Of all the Bat rogues who are solely motivated by taking out Batman--why choose Deathstroke, the guy that’s just a mercenary for hire, to characterize as simply hating Batman? (They also imply Batman took out Deathstroke’s eye and THAT’S the big feud between him and--guys. C’mon. This was really supposed to be a whole movie of Deathstroke getting revenge for his eye?)

- The movie ends with them making Wayne Manor the JLA headquarters--God, just tell me if secret identities matter or not.

-Did we really need two ‘beyond the impossible’ scenes back to back, one for Cyborg and one for the Flash?

-Oh, it’s not Arkham Asylum, it’s ‘Arkham Home For The Emotionally Troubled.’ Was this supposed to be one of those Arrowverse things where they call it Starling City for a while, only to rebrand it Star City because that’s somehow better than just calling it Star City in the first place?

- "[Snyder] also said that the reason Darkseid lost track of which world the Mother Boxes were left on was because he was gravely injured and their forces sent limping away, and upon returning to Apokolips had to fight a civil war for the throne (possibly the event hinted where Steppenwolf betrayed him), wherein their records were lost." Imagine having a movie four hours long and not explaining the fucking backstory.

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greekbros · 3 years

Text

"greek-Bros: Phallic Judgement"

*Surprisingly, Dionysus had gone back to Rome to cause more mischief with Hermes, this time they've brought Ares along*

Dionysus: *again disguised as a wine seller* ok gentlemen, behold. The foulest creatures to crawl on the face of the earth. *Shows just random Roman citizens*

Ares: *who for some reason decided he wanted to disguise himself as the world's most intimidating slave* ......ugh....the goats? *Sees a goat*

Hermes: *cleverly disgusted as farmer* haha no. You see, these guys are absolutely weird. They insist of "rationing" Sapa, they have taxes for literally existing and above all.....their wine is watered down! But they have the best bread I've ever tasted though.

Ares: ... really?

Dionysus: don't be fooled by their baked goods my dudes. These are cruel and unrelenting scum folk. Uncultured, ignorant, and above all....they've inslaved every single country they've conquered.

Hermes: .....it's mostly about the wine isn't it?

Dionysus: ....*turns dramatically* their most unforgiving sin.

Ares: *has wondered off to see a statue of himself*.....my dick isn't THAT small.......*looks at the name plate saying "Mars"* ......I can't believe these guys misspelled my name....*takes some charcoal, scratches out Mars and writes Ares*

Centurion Gaurd: Excuse me slave! Where is your master! Slaves are not allowed near the devine statue of the gods.*sees that Ares has wrote his name on the statue's nameplate* What the?

Ares: *doesn't know the centurion was referring to him considering he's in disguise* .........*turns to the see the back of the statue* ....at least they got the ass right.

Centurion Gaurd: EXCUSE ME! Please stop making remarks about the sacred statue! You've defaced sacred property!

Ares: *slowly peaks over to the centurion* ....hey ugh there's a thing on your helmet*

Centurion Gaurd: oh really? *Pats around his helmet* where?

Ares: *points to the centurion's face* There's a shit attitude a little all over your FuCkInG ugly mug.

Centurion Gaurd: *realising what he meant* YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

Dionysus: *walks into the situation* Oh there you are Skippy! Bad boy I thought I told you to stay close to me and not open your mouth! *takes a little stick and weakly whips Ares's shoulder with a single thing of wheat*

Ares: *confused* ...wut?

Centurion Gaurd: Is there YOUR disrespectful slave?

Ares: wait you said I was going to be a noblem-*gets a loaf of bread in his mouth by Hermes*

Hermes: please shut up or we'll leave you here to fend for yourself.

Ares: *kinda just enjoying the bread* hmfhmf.

Dionysus: You see my good sir, my slave is extremely stupid, dumb and has testicles the size of grapeseeds. He was used as a human kickball when he was an infant and was raised by goats. He can't help himself sometimes. *Tries to clean the charcoal off the statue*

Ares: *angry noises* ?!?

Centurion Gaurd: .....Ok...you have the pay the "Disrespectful Slave" tax fine.

Dionysus: .....*grumbles and takes a bag filled with gold coins* ....*gives it begrudgingly* .....*grits his teeth* have....a...good day.

Centurion Gaurd: *takes the gold and sees that it's drachma* .....hmm.....*takes out a piece of paper with a semi-crude wanted poster of Dionysus, Apollo and Hermes* ......hmm.....I watching you....sir. *leaves to find Mortus*

Dionysus: *turns to Ares and glares at him* ....you owe me 20 drachma.

Ares: *has finished eat the bread* Why? Don't these mortals know we're gods?

Dionysus: No! We're here in disguise so that was can destroy the city again. You are here to make sure the country doesn't get a chance to get back up.

Ares: Fuck yah. *Literally has no idea what he agreed to*

Hermes: *saw the wanted poster in the centurion's hand* ugh...guys we REALLY need to finish what we came here for because they're definitely on to us.

Dionysus: yeah yeah I know....come on let's go. I want to destroy the coliseum again.

Ares: what's a coliseum?

Dionysus: *suddenly a huge grin forms across his face* Hermes .....is the coliseum....open?

Hermes: let me check. *Literally speeds next to the coliseum and saw a Roman sign that says "Grand Re-Opening" and zips back to Dionysus* yeah. It's open.

Dionysus: perfect. *Pops a waterskin filled with wine, and chugs it* oh gods I'm FuCkInG dry. It's like this place sucks your very essence or something.

Hermes: hmm....yeah, shame really. *as he was following Dionysus and Ares, he accidentally dumbs into a familiar face* oops sorry miss.

Octavia: *turns around with a baby in her arms that looks suspiciously familiar* Oh pardon me sir. I didn't mean to bump into, the market seems rather busy today doesn't it?

Hermes: It's ok, I was just heading to-*knotices the baby* .....ugh...

Caius the baby: *smiles at Hermes as if he knew Hermes was his dad* ba-ba :D

Octavia: Oh sweetie, daddy is working. Oh children are so wonderous, even at a few months old, they have such an imagination. By the way, have we met before? You look so familiar....are you from the countryside?

Hermes: uuggggh *trying his best to not look Octavia in the eye* yeah, I get that all the time. Trust me I have some of my own, I mean children that is. Also no I don't think I have? *Literally hoping she doesn't recognize him even though he shape shifted into her husband a year ago*

Caius: *still happily cooing over his real dad*

Dionysus: come on buddy le-*put two and two together and scowls at Hermes* ......you didn't.

Hermes: ugh....

Dionysus: nevermind we're off! *He pulls Hermes to the direction of the coliseum*

Octavia: hmmm what a strange young man. He's handsome though.

Caius: *coos in disappointment* :(

*later*

Dionysus: *rubs his hands* hehehehehe....

Hermes: this better be worth it. I thought we would write our names on the temple walls here or something.

A Roman Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! This grand reopening of the Coliseum shall be in honor of our Lord and Emperor Caeser!

Caeser: *does the Royal British wave*

Dionysus: peeeeerfect.

Hermes: ......hey I got to ask...why did you bring Ares?

Dionysus: some bulky bastard is currently the head champion gladiator here, he use to live on Crete before the Romans decided to kidnap a few warriors there....let's just say my pettiness will come with effort.

Hermes: ......ok seriously man what are talking about?

Dionysus: look no one says that their dick is bigger than mine and actually gets away with it.

Hermes: ....you know....you could just smite someone. I mean it's not graceful....but it's effective.

Dionysus: hoho, I'm going to make this extra dramatic.

The Roman Announcer: And now! You're great champion, Maximus the Well-Endowed!

Maximus: *a huge, hulking man came out, roars out* HAIL CAESAR! *Leans to the announcer* I am going to get my 20 hot virgin women after this right?

Announcer: *whispers* yes yes. AND HIS CHALLENGER *looks at a note which was scribbled on his hand* ..... "Skippy the Not-Well-Endowed"! *Looks back his hand still not believing what he had read*

Ares: *is just happy to get into a fight, however was oddly enough only was only wearing a loin cloth and a helmet, armed with a shield and spear* ......oh boy, a whole stadium just for killing? These people rock!

Hermes: ........you didn't....

Dionysus: yep.

Ares: *steps side to side like an exited kid* comeoncomeoncomeonstartthefighting.

Maximus: Alright Skippy, time to end your tiny dicked existence. *Raised his sword on to Ares but Ares was able to break it with his helmet* !?

Ares: ....that's it?

Maximum: *confused* ugh....*waves to order in more weapons, all of which fail to hurt Ares*

Ares: .......aw come on...you guys have some shitty ass weapons. Bet YOUR weapon is just as shit.

Maximus: grrrrr.....YOU PUNY SLAVE! *Rips off his armored skirt* See! You're fucking wrong!

Roman crowd: *gasps*

Dionysus: .....

Hermes: *whistles* holyshit....dude this guy is hung.

Dionysus: If there's one god who can contest me....the only god who's dick is so epic, so powerful, so irresistible, so near perfect......that Aphrodite can't FuCkInG resist it on a daily basis.

Hermes: Heracles?

Dionysus: No buddy, Ares. Ares is the guy who's dick is better than mine I mean come on a guy who shags the goddess of love more times than any living thing HAS to have something going on down there

Some Roman Karen: EXCUSE me is pronounced Venus! We don't use greek words here.

Dionysus: Please leave me alone lady.

Some Roman Karen: *rhees in anger*

Dionysus and Hermes: *both are struggling to ignore her*

Ares: ....ok...that dick of your isn't that great.....*rips off his loin cloth* .....THIS....is a dick.

Crowd: *the women and gay men swoons over the perfect of Ares's bare body, men quake and cringe at their own feeble members and put to shame*

Caesar: *completely unimpressed and decided to leave* hmf. Pathetic.

Maximus: *wriggles in shame* HOW c-C-C-could this be?! The most PERFECT COCK? Oh my gods why is it fucking glowing?!

Ares: ....what you don't shave yourself weekly? I mean come on man that's how you keep the ladies coming back?

Maximus: *starts crying a little*

Dionysus: *cackling uncontrollably* SO THATS HIS SECRET! *writes on a piece of paper saying "shave, dick, weekly"*

Hermes: *still not fully understanding why all of this* ........you brought Ares here JUST to emasculate some gladiator?

Dionysus: Oh much more than that Herms.....much much m-

Roman Karen: EXCUSE YOU SIR ITS MERCURY!

Dionysus: *has had enough and turned her into a chicken* there much better.

Hermes: .....are you ok? Did you have your wine today?

Dionysus: I RAN OUT OF WINE LONG AGO!

Hermes: *deep sigh* not again.

Ares: *now in full naked display* ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? *The crowd roared and cheered*

Dionysus: well....yah want to set the animals free from their cages?

Hermes: fuk ye-*feels a tough and strong hand practically crushing his shoulder* .....*turns to see an old man who clearly was Zeus* .....

Zeus: .....boys.....

Dionysus and Hermes: .....Uh Oh.

Zeus: *took each of them by their ears like a discontented mother* you're BOTH grounded for bothering these mortals and above all abusing the dark, unholy power of the sacred male member ....if I had a third arm it would be reserved for Ares. *Looks down at Ares now just doing some naked dance for the crowd*........*deep and disappointed sigh*

Dionysus: but dad, I do that like everyday.

Zeus: I don't care if I don't discipline you or Hermes right the now, Hera will have MY male member nailed to the wall.

(Later that day)

Mortus: *inner noir detective monologue* after several months, nothing. Absolutely nothing. The suspects disappeared from the face of the empire. Likely their crimes have caught up with them. My only consolation to solving this case....is the mysterious birth of my son and my faithful wife. .... speaking of which...why does Caius have blue eyes? Me and Octavia have brown.....did ...she?....nah that's impossible.

The Centurion from earlier: MY LORD! I FOUND THE SUSPECTS!

Mortus: *dramatically turns around* This better be the right ones this time.

*much later after apparently an orgy broke out at the coliseum*

Mortus: .... Absolutely disgusting. Practicing Sexual Festivities without a license is punishable by crucifixion, Mark.

The Announcer (Mark): B-b-but sir! It wasn't my fault! Some slave was to challenge Maximus and they just decided to remove their clothing and everyone went wild! ....to be fair the slave did look a little attractive BUT the fornicating ceased once the slave disappeared.

Mortus:....was he accompanied by a portly, dark haired ..... individual?......an extremely attractive blonde slave and a thinner more athletic young man with brown hair?

The Announcer: ...hmm...well yes minus the other slave.

Mortus: Hmmm.....the plot thickens.....are these the mysterious criminals that destroyed the coliseum last year?....What is the motivated behind these depraved individuals?.....

The Announcer: ugh...why are you talking to yourself?

#greek bros #greek-Bros #Mortus #roman vs greek jokes #greek gods #dionysus #hermes #Ares #Zeus #greek mythology

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itsclydebitches · 5 years

Photo

Discredit Part Three! (Click on each pic for something resembling quality!)

Part One---contains translations, podfic, and related works---Part Two

Tagging, credit, and transcript all below the cut 💜

First off, people who specifically asked to see more of this nonsense may God in all Her glory bless you accordingly:

@internet-or-sleep, @just-some-girl-on-the-internet, @readytoocomply, @vocallsama, @fellowshipofthegay, @lucky-leafeon, @alph4centauri, @sumoranges, @diaphanedreams

Aziraphale’s profile pic is courtesy of good old Neil, found here. All others are from Creative Commons.

Sorry it took so long to produce more stupidity. YOU ALL ROCK 🎊🎊🎊 Here, have a messy transcript.

Abdou G.

Have you ever walked in on a conversation and, despite clearly missing the majority of it, feel like you could reconstruct it, word for word if necessary? That happened at Fell’s today. The ‘talk’ had obviously been going on for a while, but I can give you a perfect summary here: rude fuckboy thinks he gets to say who God is, Fell was having none of it.

Best response? Turn around, walk back to your apartment (pro-tip: this only works if you’re just a few blocks away), and change your shirt. I walked back in with my I MET GOD, SHE’S BLACK tee and had the pleasure of seeing Fell do a double-take.

“Yes, thank you, that’s what I’ve been trying to say!”

***

Doug E.

Scout’s honor: I once saw that Crowley dude unhinge his jaw and eat a large pizza in one goddamn bite.

Update: you heathens read about this gay abomination with his dislocated jaw and what you decide to question is whether I was acTUALLY A SCOUT?

***

Mary L.

I came in with my four-year-old last week fully intending to keep him within sight at all times. Yes, I bought one of those kiddie leashes and no, I don’t regret a thing. You try holding down two jobs as a single mom to the bonefide antichrist. I love my boy, but the devil got to him, telling him things like, “Yes, Freddie, permanent marker would look just great on Mum’s only work jacket!”

I said as much to the owner because this mom needs to vent sometimes.

I wish I could give this place a higher rating, but the ownership is frankly terrible. Inconsistent hours, no help when you’re trying to find a book, just basically all around bad customer service, BUT it still gets five stars because when I told the guy I was raising the antichrist?

“Oh yes. I did that myself not too long ago!”

We parents need to support one another. Otherwise the world is going to burn. So here’s a good review for you, Mr. Bookshop Guy. A part of me hopes you’re a better dad than you are a bookseller. The other part? The bigger part? It’s very aware that Ms. Pot here just met Mr. Kettle.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Freddie just got into the flour.

***

Alfred B.

I hereby nominate Mr. Fell as the British Steve Irwin. I’ve never seen anyone handle a red bellied black snake like that. I mean yeah, they’re a chill species overall, but there’s a difference between casually handling a snake and fucking chucking one onto the chair because it’s in your way. (Okay. Maybe Irwin was a little nicer.)

Renee K.

whos steve irwin?

Alfred B.

...How old are you?

Renee K.

Alfred B.

You existed on this planet for two years with him and you dare to ask me this? Go boil your head and then use google. Good god.

***

Mark F.

overheard the owner telling his boyfriend that last they met his brother tried to set him on fire? and succeeded?? actually now that I think about it, not sure which brother they were talking about---his brother or boyfriend’s brother--but WHOEVER has the brother needs to... i don’t even know. do something about that? ring the police or go to therapy or SOMETHING. i mean maybe they already have, i’m just an eavesdropping tourist, but the idea of someone setting that bow-tie cutie on fire—DID I MENTION THAT? PERSON ARSON. MURDER—makes my blood boil

***

Shiefa N.

People aren’t joking about overhearing weird conversations here. I walked in on two men (owner and husband? owner and escort?) debating Seven Minutes in Heaven. You know, that stupid kissing game the better looking kids got to play in middle school. It got pretty heated at one point (pun not intended), arguing about whether seven minutes of making out was divine or damning behavior. I hung out long enough to catch the segue into a lust vs. love debate and then had to skedaddle. Nice couple. I support their weird flirting habits.

***

Chang Z.

Is it legal to visit a store for things other then what it sells? I realize that makes me sound druggie or something but I swear I’m dealing with a much healthier addiction. (Ha. Maybe.) I cosplay (yeah, yeah, move along, trolls) and Mr. Fell has an absolute wealth of historical clothing. It’s astounding! I thought they were particularly detailed costumes at first, but no. I’m majoring in Textile and Apparel Studies. I know a naturally worn piece of fabric when I see it. Mr. Fell is always cracking jokes about how he wore this frock in the 19th century, this shirt in the 17th, oh don’t you just love my old vest? (He has... so many vests...) I indulge him because anyone who lets me borrow this stuff for free deserves all my attention and fake laughter.

Yeah. You read right. Artifacts borrowed for free. He’s even let me alter some of the stuff because I’m not exactly his size. Should this stuff be in a museum somewhere? Probably. Am I calling anyone to take my personal cosplay supply away? Noooope.

***

Leah M.

Helping to spread the word here because I’m not sure how much foot traffic this place actually gets.

I pass Fell’s every morning on my way to work and yesterday there was a new sign in the window. This might not seem very interesting to most people on here, but you’ve got to understand that Fell’s never changes. None of it. I’ve lived in Soho since I was a boy and this place has always had the same placard with his insane times listed, same stripped paint on the door he’s never gotten around to fixing, same spiderweb in the corner I absolutely swear. My dad used to pop in there when he was in college and I swear he’s taken me through the stacks, points out books that haven’t moved in 30+ years. It’s nuts and more than a little bit impressive.

So you can imagine my shock when I passed by and saw not one, but four new papers in the front window. They’re drawings and I recommend going and taking a look for yourself. I don’t think I can accurately describe the utter chaos of crayons and glitter that’s displayed there, let alone what it’s trying to depict. A dystopia? The end of the world? If so the apocalypse features a surprising number of dogs.

There’s a fifth paper off to the side, written in Fell’s messy penmanship. It just says, “My god-children drew these!” and if that’s not the cutest things you’ve ever heard get out of my face.

***

Gabriel A.

azirfell

alzaphral

azzzzzirafal

i’m a litttle drunk but azifjkaafha’s place is good he just needs a name easier to spell

***

Aziraphale

Dear Gabriel A,

My partner Crowley told me about this site and the many lovely well-wishes you all have left us here. I have come to express my thanks and to offer a bit of advice. You are hardly the first person to struggle with my name, dear girl! I recommend the following three step process:

A - simple, yes? + zira - a nickname I’ve adopted over the years, easy enough to recall + phale - this is admittedly more difficult as our ending, “phale,” is neither spelled in a way nor presumed to be pronounced like the “fell” sound we end up with. In truth my name is more along the lines of Azz-ear-raf-AE-el, but change is inevitable and you needn’t hear about that transformation, nor the etymology involved in getting “fell” out of “phale.” I say this not because I don’t wish to teach you, but because my partner has reminded me--in a rather rude tone I should add--that this site has a word limit. Suffice to say you should simply memorize the “phale” portion and you shall be, as the expression goes, in tip top shape!

Best regards,

Aziraphale

P.S. Nothing personal, dear boy, but I fear I’m not terribly fond of your name either. I would highly recommend changing it if you’re ever of a mind to do so. Cheerio!

#good omens #ineffable husbands #air conditioning #long post #good omens fic #(apologies for that)#(tried for text post and the quality was totally unreadable)#pgnbri #attempting to tag you here #since tumblr won't let me do it in the post :/

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skinks · 4 years

Note

i can't remember if it was one of your posts or someone else's where the losers all grew their foreskins back and running to the bathroom to check but it's been living rent free in my head and all i can think of is them all whipping it out being like wtf and then someone (eddie) looks over and is like "holy fuck rich why is your dick so massive literally who gave you the right" and then eddie has a little internal crisis of 'if i wasn't gay b4 i am now'

YEAAAH LMAO THAT WAS ME thank you and also sorry it’s stuck in your head, it’s such a dumb idea but it still makes me laugh.

If the Derry Magic™ canonically reverses Richie’s vasectomy and heals their scars etc. I think it’d be a cool concept if it started to heal... well, everything, once they’re back inside city limits. I’m actually writing a weird ficlet about that idea that’s currently sitting half-baked in my drafts, but back to Foreskins 2: 2Old 4Skin

All the Losers with dicks (aside from Mike since he never left Derry) start shifting in their seats at the Jade and looking down at their laps, alarmed. Given the time period and the fact that it’s... the USA, I’m guessing most of them would be circumcised, so I can only imagine how unusual it would be to feel yourself regrowing a turtleneck.

But Joe, I hear you cry, if they were circumcised as newborns why is it only growing back now instead of in the <18 years they were in Derry the first place? And if they’re all circumcised why are Bill/Richie/Eddie all so amused at the prospect of Stanley having “the tip of his dick” chopped off at the start of It (2017)?

What do I look like, someone who’s gonna let conflicting meta get in the way of my own conflicting foreskin headcanons? Get outta here!

Anyway, eventually it all gets too weird. Ben can feel a faint pinching that he, quite honestly, hates. They blurt some excuse to Beverly and make a mad dash for the bathroom, trying not to clutch the fronts of their pants like Richie made one joke too funny and there was a collective accident. A Titanic situation. Richie’s trying to think of a joke about this on the move but to be honest his dick feels like it’s growing or something, and ironically he can’t think of a goddamn thing to say.

They’re all waddling. Mike sighs and stands to follow them. “I thought this might happen.”

“Are you guys gonna have some No Girls Allowed meeting without me? Rich and Eddie were already doing enough dick measuring out here, this is bullshit,” Bev says, but Mike is gone. She drinks his beer as revenge.

Any and all dick measuring is happening purely on a visual level, amongst all the panicking and whisper-yelling (whisper-screaming) and vaguely horrified examination going on in the bathroom. Eddie’s had a little too much to drink to stop himself from whisper-hissing his outrage at the size of Richie’s big fucking dick (at least, he thinks later, his stunned disbelief covered his outrage at the fact that Richie wouldn’t even look at Eddie’s dick back, not even to make light of the size difference, the disappointment surrounding it something he’s not yet willing to face.)

When things fail to calm down and they’ve driven 3 other restaurant patrons right out of the bathroom and Mike has been whisper-shouted at four separate times and bullied into showing his own dick, Bill finally puts on his Big Bill Leader Hat and tries to see reason. It’s with a strange sinking feeling that he realises Mike was simply waiting for him to do so, from the pleased smile on his tired face.

Bill’s not sure he’s looking forward to any situation that might mean he has to lead these strangers again. They’re not kids anymore. Look at their dicks! But this, at least, he can manage. “Wait, shut up - R-Richie shut up, stop pulling at it! This might not all be so b-bad, y’know? Audra - I mean, I h-heard. I read they’re... t-they can make sex, uh. Better. Way better. Easier, for everyone. That’s something, at least? Right?” He looks around, a little desperately.

It takes a few tries for Ben to zip his jeans back up with shaking hands. Eddie looks like he’s about to cry. Mike is beaming around, proudly, at everyone’s newly-cozy dicks.

“That’s fucking fantastic,” Richie says, waving his dick angrily at Bill. It’s a lot more arresting than shaking a finger, Bill will admit. “Just great, Billy - ignoring the completely insane fact that all four of us just spontaneously grew ourselves some fancy little dicksleeves outta nowhere like - Jesus Christ, what is this, the Chinese place from Freaky Friday? Did those fortune cookies swap us into exact copies of our own bodies, hold the mayo, extra pastrami? Do I look like either Jamie Lee Curtis or Lindsay fucking Lohan to you? Did Lindsay fucking Lohan grow a dick like this in that movie?”

“I don’t think anyone has a dick like that,” Eddie mumbles.

“I didn’t see that movie,” Bill says.

“That’s not the point,” Richie says. His dick waves in his fist like a sign language interpreter at the bottom of the screen helping Richie to deliver his tirade. The mirror spans the wall over the sinks, so even when Bill tries to avert his eyes he still fears having them poked out. He stares up at the water-stained ceiling tiles instead. “The point is, you want us all to be cool as cucumbers with little fucking scarves about this totally fucked up, creepy, Cronenberg bullshit because your wife fucked a British dude one time and told you to your face that it was better?!”

Bill frowns, raising his hands. “Well. I d-don’t think that’s w-w-what-”

“Do I seem,” Richie continues, looking extremely frazzled, “like someone confident enough in his sex life that re-learning the ropes at 40 fucking years old is gonna be a piece of cake?! Jesus Christ! I don’t know what to do with this thing!” Another man pushes open the bathroom door, takes one look at them, and walks straight back out. Richie curses under his breath and zips up too, Eddie following his lead, until Bill is the only one standing there with his dick out.

Something about the situation feels vaguely familiar, Bill thinks, with a phantom ache in his cheekbone.

Richie flails with the pockets of his jacket. “Zero times foreskin is still zero, Bill!”

With that and without washing his hands, Richie stomps out of the bathroom, head ducked, the back of his neck bright pink. Eddie hastily finishes washing his own hands and scurries after him, seething again. “I knew it! I fucking knew it!”

#sorry im laughing #ficlet #can i call this a ficlet #this is so STUPIDMGKJSHG #Anonymous

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