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#im living the gender ive always wanted lmao
rookshocksshack Β· 1 year
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darling--core Β· 1 year
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okay i’ve just read through everything on your masterpost and i don’t think i’ve ever hit follow so quick lol. your writing is so good and so immersive!!
if you’re still open for a request, could i please request a yandere superhero? he can have whatever powers you think would be best but i’ve personally always liked the thought of the power imbalance a ridiculous strong hero would have over their darling. (imagine wanting to resist against him but knowing that he could snap your femur with enough pressure lol)
maybe the yandere and the darling meet after the darling has a close call during a bank robbery and the yandere’s intrigued when he finds that his darling, for some reason, just isn’t falling over themselves to thank him for saving their life. all of a sudden, the hero finds himself tumbling down this path of villainy for the sake of someone who just never asked for his autograph.
also because i’m on anon and i have no shame, i wouldn’t mind some nsfw of yan!superhero if you feel comfortable writing it lmao.
thank you for reading my ask and i hope you have a wonderful day! :D
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oh my god. oh my god i would die for u
also oh my god ur not gonna believe this, i have a whole set of super powered yandere characters im working on rn, including a hero, a vigilante, and a villain!! ive been waiting for inspiration to hit to start on one of them and this is the PERFECT TIME to start on the hero!!! thank u sm for requesting, i hope u like kane 😩
i wanted to stick with a gender neutral darling because you didn't specify male or female, so the headcanons have gn darling, but the smut got away from me and it ended up being fem reader!with female genitals mentioned. im sorry! if you want something different feel free to request more 😫
sfw up top, nsfw clearly marked below. this is so long im sorry
fem civilian darling x superhero yandere πŸ’•
contents: general yandere behavior, intimidation, nsfw content
minors dni πŸŽ€ 18+ only
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. . β‡’ ˗ˏˋ [ yandere super hero ] ΛŽΛŠΛ—
πŸ’Œ kane matthews, or just 'kane' to the world at large, is a capital 'S' superhero. speed, strength, charisma, desire to fight crime, he's got it all; plus, you know, the fire superpowers don't hurt.
πŸ’Œ he thinks he's got it all, and for the most part, he does. people love him, and he does what he loves- keeping other people safe- for a living. he's got money, he's got fame, and he ignores how lonely he is outside of that because of how good everything else is. besides, he's too famous; everyone wants to date a superhero. people fall all over him all the time, and that isn't what he wants out of a relationship.
πŸ’Œ he ignores it until he meets you in the aftermath of a bank robbery, anyway. you had been injured- only slightly, just a graze from a ricocheting bullet on your calf- but injured enough for kane to step up to you and offer help.
πŸ’Œ 'i'm fine,' you told him. 'i don't need a hero to figure out how to put on a bandage.'
πŸ’Œ what the fuck? he had never saved someone only for them to brush him off like that. it shocked him so much that he couldn't even say anything to you as you walked away from him- but it did get his heart thumping.
πŸ’Œ when was the last time a civilian had spoken to him like that? like they couldn't care less who he was, like he was just another stranger speaking to them. he couldn't remember. his fingers itched to reach out and stop you, but then he was overrun by reporters and police officers and people crying, thanking him- and you were lost in the crowd.
πŸ’Œ he's not proud of what he did next, but he couldn't stop thinking about you! kane showed up to that bank everyday for weeks after, in disguise, looking to catch a glimpse of you; it was all he had. he didn't know your name or where you lived or worked. all he knew was that you came to this bank. you had to show up again sometime, right?
πŸ’Œ luckily for him- you did. and then he followed you home. he's even less proud of that, but he couldn't help himself. he had to see you, learn more about you, but he didn't want to reveal himself to the public right in the middle of a busy bank. it was really his only option, y/n- he just had to.
πŸ’Œ he kept tabs on you for weeks. he did double his usual rounds in your area, around your house and place of work. the area had to be safe for you.
πŸ’Œ but soon, just watching you from afar wasn't enough for him. the constant following and watching and stalking was taking a toll on him; he was a hero, heroes didn't do this! but something was festering inside him, a sharp and painful, beautiful feeling inside his chest. he needed you to be in his life before he went insane.
πŸ’Œ so he approached you, in a casual semi-disguise, at the coffee shop you worked in. it was lowkey, not very busy at all, perfect for his needs. he asked if you remembered him, and you squinted at his face before looking surprised. 'what are you doing here?' you asked.
πŸ’Œ you had no clue how insane you were driving him, then- no idea how crazy he had gone in the past weeks, watching you, learning you, wanting you.
πŸ’Œ he relied on his hero charisma. no one could say no to a hero, after all. one date, he told you- one date is all he wanted from you. he wouldn't force any more from you after that (saying it made his skin itch; he knew, deep down, that was a promise he couldn't keep).
πŸ’Œ you were a little too confused (baffled? intimidated? i mean, he approached you at work! what are you supposed to say??) to say no... so you agreed. and kane is over the fucking moon ecstatic.
πŸ’Œ he takes you to the fanciest restaurant in the city, a private room so you aren't disturbed. he leads you in with his hand on the small of your back. it could have been comforting, but...
πŸ’Œ you can feel the heat in his palms, imagine the scorching flames that he can conjure, the fire at his command. you can feel the strength in his fingers- muscles in his arms coiled tight with strength you can't even begin to imagine having, much less controlling. you are a mouse standing next to a lion.
πŸ’Œ he treated you to the finest things. whatever drink you wanted, all the food you could eat, the best music; he wined and dined you like any superhero would. and he couldn't stop watching you all night, practically ravenous; you were so close to him, talking and laughing and it was all for him, because of him. he didn't want the night to end; he couldn't let it. not like this.
πŸ’Œ his hand crept up your thigh, looking at you much like a predator looks at their prey. you were only just beginning to feel the affects of the fancy, expensive alcohol, and you buzzed with anxiety and anticipation in equal parts. 'how about dessert?'
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kane wasted absolutely no time in lifting you and setting you down on the cleared off table. you couldn't think, couldn't focus; not with his mouth so hot and all-consuming against yours, kissing you like he'd die if he didn't.
sitting on the edge of the table, his body slotted against yours, his hips keeping your legs apart. his hands roamed possessively over you, warm and rough, rekindling the anxiety sparked in you earlier, but he doesn't let up. he's been waiting weeks for this, but it felt like fucking years.
"you've looked so fucking good all night," he mutters against your lips, breaking the kiss long enough to let you breathe. "you're like fucking magic."
his hands go to your thighs and he kisses you again, lips and tongue possessing you. he parts your legs, fancy dress riding up and exposing your soft skin. he pushes your legs as far apart as they'll go, ignoring the whining protests you make against his mouth.
his thumb brushes over the center of your underwear, right over the middle of your quickly dampening cunt, and you jolt at the sudden contact. kane nips at your lower lip, proud of himself already.
his thumb travels up, until he is pressing it firmly against your clit. he moves it in slow circles at first, but the pressure is so good. his other hand goes to your waist, holding you right where he wants you with a wild, dangerous look in his eye.
as he picks up the pace, he pulls back to watch your face. "i can't wait to see your face when i make you cum on my fingers," he tells you, and you shudder, breath fanning across his face.
just as your hips start rocking, he pulls back- long enough to rip your underwear completely off of your body without any warning, and with no effort at all- like he's tearing a single thread off a cloth. you yelp, but then his hand is back on you. he prods carefully at your entrance, before pushing a finger inside you.
he watches your face closely as you squirm and whine. he wants to commit it all to memory; he wants to know every face you make, memorize every sound he forces out of you.
his thumb goes back to working your clit, and his finger crooks up, searching along your inner walls until-
"f-fuck, kane!" you whine, groaning as his fingers brush against your g-spot, and his face practically lights up. the stimulation of both your clit and your g-spot make your hips shake, fucking yourself against his fingers.
"thats what i was looking for, baby," he tells you, leaning closer to kiss your neck. he's found the spot, and he doesn't relent. he rubs and massages, leaving hot hickeys on your neck, until you are seeing stars.
"fuck, fuck," you groan, hands braced against the table. a white-hot heat coils around your spine, pooling in your stomach, making your limbs tingle and your head feel fuzzy. "im so close!"
"whose making you feel that good, baby, hm?" kane asks against your neck, pulling back to see your eyes start to roll back. "whose making you cum?"
"you are! fuck," you groan, and you can't take it anymore, one hand reaching out and gripping his shoulder to ground you, "kane- fuck!"
you snap, tumbling over the edge harder than you think you ever have before, legs squeezing his hips. kane watches it all, working you through it, enraptured, like he's seeing the face of god.
you come down, gasping, and kane slowly pulls his finger out of you, but brings it to his mouth to taste you. his eyes get hazy as you watch him, and the look sends another spike of heat through you.
"that was just the warm up," he tells you as he kneels in front of you, strong hands pulling you to the very edge of the table as he leans in to plant a kiss on your inner thigh. he holds you with a grip so strong you are almost afraid to try and break out of it. "i haven't even eaten yet, darling."
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xoxo darling--core πŸŽ€
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yosh-iro Β· 6 months
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my brain rot is immense so have my ultrakill au idea: yuri on ice/figure skating au (this would be a human au btw in case it wasnt obvious)
character shit:
gabriel:
used to be world #1 figure skater but suddenly retired a few years before au starts
retired cuz he just felt like he wasnt really able to put any emotion into his skating anymore and would have really bad panic attacks whenever he would try to practice
a few years after retiring he visits v1/vichis town while on vacation
eventually becomes v1/vichis coach and they fall in love a la shitty halmark movie
v1/vichi
goes by vichi in the au (literally 1 in japanese + v cuz im bad at coming up with names lol)
gender, whats that? tends to dress masculine but is ok being referred to with whatever
was a good kid but would often skip school to wander around the town they lived in, bit whimsy
is horrible at recognising people (not a main bit really but is a little relevant)
would watch gabriel skate all the time in jr high which caused them to get into figure skating and finally pay attention to school a bit more
skip to their mid 20's and they meet gabriel by chance while he was on vacation to their hometown
they didnt realize it was him at first but v1/vichi knew theyve seen him before
they become friends and at some point they start talking about hobbies/interests where figure skatibg comes up and v1/vichi realizes who their new friend is
i gotta fit my little meow meow in here somehow so
v2/vinny
again vinny = v + ni = v + 2 in japanese (very original)
dresses pretty feminine but prefers masculine/neutral pronouns
v1/vichis best friend, would skip school with them as a kid
got dragged into figure skating by v1/vichi and the two sorta became rivals, always 1-upping each other
he dated v1/vichi on and off for a bit in jr high/high school but both decided to just be friends instead since they had different end goals in life, theyre both still super close though (how close exactly is up to your imagination wink wonk)
hes basically v1/vichis biggest wingman
ill prob come back to this when the brainrot worsens but for now this is all ive got
if anybody wants to write this god awful half baked idea go ahead just lmk so i can read it lmao
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biggesttmntfanintheworld Β· 7 months
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Can I request Rottmnt boys with reader who owns a bunny named after them
yuh(btw you didn't specify gender so its gonna be gn)
ive ALWAYS wanted to do this bro(i love my bunnys sm)
rottmnt! x gn! reader with a bunny named after them!
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raph
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HE LOVES BUNNYS SMMMMMMMMM
(HE LOVES ALL ANIMALS IN GENERAL!!!)
AND ITS NAMED AFTER HIM??????
OMGGGG
he thinks it's the cutest thing in the world
he can't stop looking at it
"its so goofy looking...I LOVE IT!"
he will never leave its side(he lives with you now ig)
his brothers have to drag him out of your apartment
he WILL feed it as much as it wants(chubby bunny)
HE LOVE IT SM!!!!!!
leo
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what..
he's so bewildered fr!
like whattt
YOU have a BUNNY named after HIM???????
you guys WILL have to co-parent:3
would steal it from you often
he says he "loves you both equally"(he probably loves it more just probably)
treats it like it's his baby
he doesn't care if it bites him he still loves it(he probably slaps it very gently on the butt and says it not to do that anymore)
the silliness on this man is crazy
donnie
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he doesn't care for it at first
hes like "why did you name it after me,it's an animal'(what does he think he is)
he didn't really want to meet it
but you (consensually) forced him to!
he did NOT want to touch it
like not at all!!
but after a few hours of your begging he did it.
anddddddd...
HE.
LOVED.
IT!!!!!.
he couldn't stop petting it fr!
he LOVES your bunny now:3
mikey
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you have a what now...
A BUNNYYYYY??????
HE WILL BEG YOU TO LET HIM MEET IT
and when he meets this cutie...
he will literally Chase it around your apartment or house
he will pet it Non-Stop
he will do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WITH YOUR BUNNY BRO
he's like A-train he can't stop(im so sorry for the the boys reference i fr can't stop watching it LMAO)
he calls it "mikey jr" and "our baby"
give him a break he just loves it sm!!
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im so sorry that i didn't post for like a week, im sick and have no motivation, BUT I FEEL A LITTLE MOTIVATED RN SO ILL TRY TO POST A FEW REQUESTS RNN, SOOOOOO BYEEEEEEE:333
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eldritchmochi Β· 7 months
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yeah I am pretty young lmao, I'll spare you from another playlist by just naming some artists that gave me inspiration for god knows at some point
first off you mentioned Hozier, which I kinda only mention because he released a new album recently. Arctic Monkeys and Father John Misty are kinda in the same boat as him. More like the same lake.
The Amazing Devil and The Oh Hellos never fail to give me some sort of D&D/character inspiration. Ghost does?? something??? as well with characters, but specific ones. Same with Steam Powered Giraffe.
other than that, Library Magic by The Head And The Heart is very Wizard, along with The Magician by Andy Shauf. and because I just can't go without mentioning it, Queen is my favorite band. :)
that's all! with any luck it'll end up being useful somehow lol
hozier is one of those artists who i dont listen to on purpose like ever i dont thinki could name a single song of his with confidence BUT i know his voice starkly as one i really lusted after pre-t. i saw he just dropped a new album and i HAVE to give it a listen to especially the video of sssomething or other (full album mv??? pLEASE) because it stars domnall gleeson and i am still horny for that man even after all these years (he's the actor for hux for context lmao)
queen is also one of my long time favs, though definitely a band i dont know in and out the way i do with a lot of more modern punk bands lmao. freddie has and always will be Gender (god the video for i want to break free was IT for me in like 8th grade right around when i came out)
ive seen spg live before!! they are *great* experience even if you're not deep into the lore (i had friends who were big lore fans). i have heard precisely One And A Half Ghost Songs and im keeping it that way on purpose because its just sooooooo funny that im not into them because aesthetically they are way up my alley (and one of my sibs, a number of irl buddies, and MANY artists i follow are all nuts for them)
ive some passing familiarity with the artic monkeys, enough that i can pick out a number of their more popular songs on the radio even if i cant name them (i am garbage at song titles tho so)
i'll have to check out the rest, especially good Wizards Songs πŸ‘€
in response!! further things to check out:
FUNKY.FM - playlist by alexmoukala who is one of my FAVOURITE video game composers. i know him primarily through twitter where he posts snippets of remixed or reimagined video game music... but FUNKY (this one is particularly relevant to u based of ur playlist shared w me)
ye old spooky club 1995 - playlist by unnerving governess who i am 90% sure is gothic charmschool. i know i got the link thru her but i thiiink she also made it (another playlist that may vibe w u based off your playlist)
creature feature, especially the album "the greatest show unearthed" (ookey spooky rock with a lot of vincent price era horror camp and a lot of really impressive technical skill. i want it to be halloween damnit)
the mind electric by the miracle musical (behold, the essence of the inside of my brain but in tangible form. it is. incredibly ominous. do recommend headphones for max goosebumps (includes a lot of records played backwards type sounds and other distortions))
dance monkey by tones and i (one of my big essek songs since i get a lot of that vibe where he's beholden to his station for *so much* that its a disservice to his growth as a person)
bottom is a rock by mother mother (my m9 as a whole song. the chorus has a line for each of them i stg and if i could reliably draw i would do an old school lyricstuck to it)
my verdict on ur playlist btw is that it is very solid and cohesive a+, but *just* to the left of my tastes, largely because a lot of it skews 70s/80s which just by nature of the beast lacks the bass i like (because it was mixed entirely different compared to modern music, which is better suited for sounding big when played digitally through smaller speakers. ive heard some of these bands on big sound systems and theyre MUCH more in line with my tastes then lmao)
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flingza-roller Β· 1 year
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Hi hi wow your cosplay looks so cool, do you have any tips or advice on making a splatoon cosplay? And happy birthday for last week, that pinata video lives in my head rent free
OUGH THANK U!! it makes me rly happy that so many people like my cosplay.... i appreciate all the stuff yall have said so much!
gonna put this under the cut cuz i typed a lot lmao
if u can find patterns online to use they will be ur best friend, winging it CAN work but. not always DSGKJ
so there would be a lot to cover but im just gonna gonna start with the tentacles- mine are made from minky but i know ppl who've used like, a more vinyl-ish material? do NOT fucking use satin, i made that mistake with my original agent 3 cosplay and i nearly smashed my sewing machine out of pure rage. satin + minky is SO slippery and no matter what u do the pattern will just, Fuck Up. its why the tentacles were shaped so weirdly :/ so this time i stuck to ONLY minky and the result was way better. i had a friend help with hand sewing em and it meant more control over how the shape turns out so it was way better than my first attempt. (i then used plushie stuffing to give em shape and it makes em sooo fucking squishy n soft)
I FORGOT TO MENTION. the tentacles are safety pinned to the inside of the hat for stability, im not wearing a wig or anything.
eye mask? use eyeliner or body paint! ive done both and they both work well, id recommend using a setting spray tho. and if ur gonna wear contacts like i did, ALWAYS put contacts in before any makeup. this avoids the risk of getting shit in ur eye while putting em in (also my eyes always water a fucktonne lmao) oh and if u use a blind contact, be prepared to have fucky vision whenever ur in cosplay. agent 3 cosplayers stay suffering πŸ’”
if ur gonna hand sew anything, definitely try to use proper techniques. luckily my gf is very good at that kinda stuff and they helped me through sewing the poncho/cape/idk fuckin old rags, i used a whip stitch so the threading isnt visible (im thinking of modifying it to add big thick cosmetic stitches so it looks more game-accurate, same with the patch on the hat)
craft stores are ur best friend for supplies! if ur australian, i highly recommend spotlight and lincraft for pretty much everything. spotlight usually has the most variety in fabric, but i always need to order my minky online. if ur not an aussie, prolly just google which places to go to DSGJ idk what yall have.
but heres my number 1 tip for cosplay- HAVE FUN! i know this sounds cliche but seriously. i sometimes to caught up in my head over little things, like "this isnt game accurate enough" "the colours are off" "people are gonna notice (X)" but cosplay is supposed to be fun, silly, crafting experience, a hobby, but most of all ur just dressing up as a fictional character and what could possibly be dorkier than that? feel free to do things differently, u never need to adhere to canon (i literally did the hijack scar AND i have a face full of metal), being accurate is NOT the most important thing, and of course- body type, gender, skin colour, NONE of these things should stop u from doing whatever the hell u want. the naysayers can go fuck themselves <3
and if u dont have the budget to buy good supplies, theres nothing wrong with a closet cosplay! work with whatever ya got!
imma finish here but if theres a specific cosplay thing u wanna know more about please ask and ill help as much as i can :]
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youareunbearable Β· 2 years
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im taking an Anishinaabemowin course over the summer and I've always viewed the Avari in the Silm as Indigenous so now im gonna try and rename the Silm characters in Anishinaabemowin for fun/ how the Avari would have called them.
A disclamer, Anishinaabemowin is a verb based language, so our names for things are based off of actions or descriptions of what they do/their job so names can be a little long. It is also gender neutral and sentence order doesn't super matter as long as it's understandable, I'm also learning so if there are mistakes lmao my bad
Its gonna be under a readmore cause rambling
So to start off, my sweetest poor little meow meow Maedhros.
With Mae, I really wanted to keep the "Red Dawn" motif, or go with the Russo nickname thing he clearly prefers since he kept that part of his name when he changed it to sindarin. The "red" part of the names is "Misko-" which goes at the begining of the word. So for him I have three choices:
Miskondibe, which means "S/He is red-headed" which I think would be a good alt name for Russandol
Miikawaadizi, which means "s/he is handsome, is beautiful; s/he is smart, clever, knows what s/he is doing" which is a good alt for Maitimo. For us, beautiful is less "oh they have pretty features" and more "oh they live a good way of life/they know what theyre doing" which I think translates well with the double meaning of his name, "shapely/handy"
Miskwaaseyaaban, which roughy means "it is the red light of dawn" which is my FAV allegory for mae lmaoo him as a red dawn is just *chef's kiss* and alt name for this concept is Miskwakwad which just means "it is a red sky" so like basically the same as the dawn meaning but without the "sun is rising" bit.
Also a fun point with this concept is that Fingon's call of "a new dawn" thing would translate to Biidaaban, which means "Dawn comes"
Angwaakizo is my last name for Mae, which I don't think he would call himself but how the Avari would speak of him after the First Age. It's a name that means "S/he dissapears/burns/consumed by fire" with the emphasis on "so there is nothing left" which I think would be a way to remember the horrifying way he went out. I also think this would be a name used to talk about Feanor, since that's also how he died. Overall, I think since the Avari were so far removed from the Noldor and had less first hand experience with them, that their stories of what happened during the First Age would be a little mixed up and in their legends Feanor and Maedhros get shuffled around a lot like how Tolkien shuffled Maglor and Maedhros a lot in his drafts
For Caranthir I think his would be more straight forward. I just translated his "ruddy cheeks" or "red faced" whatever name, so it'll be something like Miskwanowe
For Maglor, I like how his names kinda relate to his voice. "Strong voiced" "commanding" or "Gold Cleaver" (which im gonna be honest im still lost on how exactly it related to his voice but the wiki and ppl ive seen talk about it seem to link it to the clarity of his voice??) which I'm just gonna RUN with lmao. So the particle im gonna be focusing around is "-owe" which means "s/he uses their voice" OR nagamo which mean "s/he sings." So options:
Apiitowe, which means "s/he has a voice of a certain intensity, has so loud a voice" which is like "This is a voice to listen too" which I think fits with the "commanding/strong voiced Finwe" name. Out of all the name choices, I think this is the only one that he would pick himself
Bwaanzhii-nagamo, which means "s/he sings war songs" which in my mind goes hand in hand with the fanon that Maglor is really good at being like a battle bard, where he uses his voice to fight. I can see the Avari naming him that, but I can't see that being a name that Maglor picks himself
Anzhike'amaazo, which means "s/he sings alone" or Maanowe to mean "s/he has a horse voice" which is what I think the Avari call him after the first age.
For Curufin, I'm blanking on what he would want to be called, mainly cause I haven't figured out Feanor yet and he would want a similar name, but I think the Avari would call him Mamaazhi'iwe after hearing about what happened with Finrod and Beren and Luthien. It means "S/he overpowers, prevails over, conquers people" which I think is a good way to remember his coup, one of the things hes remembered for mostly besides being a smith
Similarily, I think Celegorm would be called Nooji'iwe, which means "s/he seeks, goes after, hunts" but the focus of the word is "to pursue" and for me, Celegorm is very driven and hasty-- with anger, with actions, with violence, etc. Which makes it a good name for a hunter, also a way to inturpret this word too is that one does all these actions towards people, which again, fits the narritive if the Avari are hearing about what Celegorm did to Luthien and Doriath.
I'm also lost on what to call the Ambarussa. We don't really have a word for "fate" as thats not a concept we have culturally so "the fated one" cant translate, and I don't really wanna go with another red headed name. So at most maybe Zoongide'e for Amrod which means "s/he has a strong heart/ is brave" and Ishkwejiiyaagan for Amras which means "last born child" but tbh i thought their names were weak in canon anyways but whatever
I haven't thought about anyone else (classic Feanorian brain rot) but maybe for Fingon I like the Valour title he carries so for him I think he would pick:
Minwaadizi, which means "s/he is a good person/ leads a good life, has a good character, is honest" which just screams Finno to me.
Zhawenjige, which means "s/he is merciful, is kind-hearted, has pity" which to me goes along well with a lot of his actions in the tales he's in. Not to mention there is that post floating around with the passage where he dies and it said he holds no hatred in his heart for any besides Melkor which is just *heart eyes* by sweet little man, my baby little boy
I may add onto this later or not I dont know lol
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ask-rw-dark-au Β· 3 months
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Hello, you don't really need to answer this ask. I just enjoy your blog and well, idn, I just want to give a little bit of advice/encouragement. I'm bad with words, specially in English, which is not my first language, please don't take this as an insult or offense, I really tried to just come here in friendly terms (terms? That's how you said it? Idn πŸ˜…)
What I wanted to say it's, whatever you do in any fandom it's always best to do it for intrinsic motivators, specially if the fandoms are small. Having engament it's great, I'm a fanfic writer, I know that feeling of seeing any comment in my stories, but I learned long ago that I must do things for myself, for my personal enjoyment and fulfilment.
Don't get me wrong, i enjoy your blog, you will probably figure out who I am bc I'm gonna reblog stuff lmao but you know, do this for your own personal happiness, not to seek engament. I have stories from 2013 and even 2015 that to this day have no comments but I'm fine with it. I really enjoyed writing them and I'm proud of them, even if they have almost no engament at all, I wouldn't delete them for any reason <3
What I try to say it's try to not seek motivation in extrinsic motivators like engament and just do it to have fun! Do it for you, not expecting attention, but to just have fun and feel nice inside. Do gender bend, play with sexuality and relationships, explore and come out with new designs and lore, and enjoy it fully. Don't be afraid to take breaks if you need and come back when you feel like yeah, I wanna have fun with this again! I may be shooting myself in the foot since I'm saying dude take a break if you need, that it's totally fine, even tho I wnana see more of your ideas, but seriously, your personal enjoyment comes first :D
So yeah, have fun, ignore the haters and all that people that don't get what Au means can go live under a rock ;v
Have a nice day/night 😘
thank you so much for the ask !!!!! im answering it so other people can see since i think this is a really really good message,,,
i do my best to do things for my own enjoyment, and i do absolutely LOVE this au and i love making it :3333
however, ive always struggled with doing things i enjoy because of how often its ignored by friends, family, ect, so im prone to forgetting even though it was enjoyable
engagement helps me remember it exists, helps me get new ideas, and mostly helps me know that its worth posting to places. i dont enjoy doing things when nobody knows it exists, and although im not sure why, its kinda just how it goes for me idk man SHGSSGD
ive been taking breaks periodically throughout winter break, and thats why i usually answer asks in short bursts since it means they all build up and then i can answer them all at once :3 i get myself hyped to answer and then i can and it works pretty well for me,,,
fr man i think. i think that "au" is a bigpart of the "ask rw dark au"
sure, just about nothing in this au is the same as canon, but thats. thats the point of an au im just silly like that !!!!!!
ive been working on not relying on engagement to enjoy things, ive been getting better about it and i have been able to make things just because i like them
idk if it makes sense or not, but sometimes it feels like i shouldnt enjoy something when nobody else does or seems to, you know? ive struggled with people pleasing for years as well as having problems with adhd / anxiety (unmedicated) making it difficult for me to kinda just. do things guh
im not saying this bc i disagree because i dont at all i completely agree with what youre saying and i do genuinely appreciate this !!!!!
im working on getting better abt it and i think im going to delete the reblog post soon just because i dont really think its worth it, hopefully if i just keep answering asks and making designs and drawing these silly creatures ill be able to get past the worry that people dont like it and just start posting because i like it !!!
thank you so much !!!!!!!
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bealovesmarauders Β· 1 year
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hii honey <33 could i get a
πŸ§œπŸ»β€β™€οΈmermaid - send me a description of yourself (personality-wise, hobbies, favorite things, physical characteristics, or all of the above, whatever you’re most comfy with!) and i’ll ship you with someone :) pls include gender preference and fandom!!
for either gilmore girls or the dead poets society please? omg im so excited to see who u ship me with!! 🀍 im bisexual/bicurious with a male preference x
my name is eva rose (although u already know that lmao). i'm a ravenclaw and an enfp <33 im a sagittarius in vedic astrology and a capricorn with a libra moon in western
i'm 5''3 with auburn curly hair and a pretty petite hourglass figure. i have freckles pretty much all year round - but only on my cheeks and the tip of my nose. my eyes are blue but look green in certain lighting. ever since i was abt 5 or 6 ive always wanted to get a couple of tattoos but im not old enough yet 😭
i would describe myself as observant, fun, genuine, intuitive and witty. i like to get to know people & ask them questions, im pretty open personally. how much i talk changes massively depending on my mood although i do end up rambling about nothing once i get invested in the conversation lol. i like talking about philosophy and politics and talking about stupid imaginary scenarios with my friends lol
i can be quite anxious & insecure sometimes, but i just need someone to talk to & then i'll be ok. i cry a lot, just because i need to let my emotions out <3 despite all this, i think i'm pretty confident.
i've been described as jo march & lizzie bennett & i agree, but i also think im a bit like meg tbh.
i feel most at home during autumn & during starry nights - i always glance up at the moon & take notice of its phases. <3 i like adventures and old cities - but at the end of the day i prefer being at home. i love art galleries, classic fiction, (fave poet is yeats although i i haven't actually read much poetry lol), astronomy, late night conversations, biking and listening to music - i like the beatles, fleetwood mac, abba, david bowie and the smiths
i love it when a person feels like home to me <3 i'm also a massive hopeless romantic and my love languages are quality time & physical touch
tysm bea :))
hi lovely<33 i ship you with tristan dugray!
he probably has a little nickname for you (and he'll play it off, but whenever you call him 'pretty boy' or something he just melts). he's pretty cheeky so the teasing might get a bit out of hand sometimes. i think he'd be so so interested in talking politics and philosophy with you!! i like to think that tristan's actually really academically smart (and lowkey a ravenclaw like you but chilton screams ravenclaw so maybe im projecting here), he just doesn't use his potential. but i think you could give him a little nudge in the right direction- the art gallery dates and the fact that he's constantly looking over your shoulder at your books helps.
tristan loves making out. like i cannot express enough how much he adores it. so the physical touch love language plays out really well- i think he struggles a bit more with quality time cause he uses a sort of mischevious persona some of the time to hide his genuine qualities. but you'd probably develop some banter, you'd ask him questions and he'd answer (whether he's a good liar or not is up to you), and thats how you'd grow close. he'd also carry your poetry books everywhere and he'd be really sad if your moon phases didnt fit together (like the tiktok trend lmao).
also just the entirety of gilmore girls is so autumn so right away, assuming you lived in stars hollow, tristan would pretend to hate all the autumn events but he'd secretly love them (he probably got lots of attention from ms patty).
idk if you'll like this or not but i genuinely think tristan's a good guy, albeit one with bad boundaries (but he's also like really rich so it kinda makes sense). i really wish rory had gotten a chance to date him in the show tbh, he had so much potential.
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pkcockin Β· 11 months
Text
about me
[does a gay ass little heyyyyy]
i go by pk online, im 20yrs old and a trans man (he/him pronouns) living in canada. im a t4t bisexual sub bottom w/ very occasional dom tendencies if im in the mood for it but i will never fully dom. you must be 18+ to interact with me, if you do not have your age or age range in bio you will be blocked.
my own posts are tagged with #pks posts
dm and ask preferences
u can dm me if ur over 18, however do not send me any nudes or explicit images without being given permission. i would also prefer if ppl over 30 refrained from interacting with me directly (liking or rbing posts is ok!). i will not engage sexually on a personal level (dms, i may engage in asks) unless i know you well enough. do not ask me for sexual favours or otherwise explicit material (e.g. nudes, audio) in dms or you will be blocked. also just dont send me weird fuckin messages in general if i dont like it ill just block you lmao
do not message me expecting me to engage sexually with you right off the bat. it wont happen. if youre looking for someone to sext, look somewhere else.
things i am into
breeding breeding breeding breeding (yeah this includes pregnancy otherwise whats the point)
light bondage
marking (such as hickeys, bite marks, etc.)
heat cycles
monsters (human lvl intelligence only), especially werewolves, angels, demons
knotting
praise
cockwarming
begging + desperation
feeling helpless and vulnerable, especially in terms of breeding, like i cant help whats going to happen to my body/the changes that will occur
grinding, rutting, being pinned down
things i am NOT into
scat
watersports/piss
detrans
misgendering*
gore
dd/lg
cnc
birth kink (im ok with implied birth or mention of it non-graphically but once u start getting into the details of it thats a no from me champ)
ageplay
incest
anything involving excessive pain/things that break skin
*i only allow misgendering under very specific parameters that does not invalidate my identity as a man. i only allow certain words and only from other trans ppl that i trust and have been given permission to use those words. i ALWAYS want it done in a way that is gender affirming and in a way of reclaiming words traditionally viewed as feminine. do not engage with this unless ive said you can.
DNI
terfs, transphobes, homophobes, racists, or any other sort of bigot aka right wingers (this extends to fascists and yes that includes tankies. if i catch wind of that shit on ur blog ur getting ur ass blocked)
p*dophiles
minors, ageless blogs, empty blogs (if your blog is empty i will assume you are a bot and block you)
detransitioners
"men dni" (nothing personally against it, but i myself am a man so i will block these blogs)
chasers
more details abt me personally below the cut!
most of the contents of this going forward will not be sexually related, this is mostly for people who find they might have an interest in talking to me and getting to know me as a person! if u find u have an interest in dming me, i recommend reading this section to find out if we have mutual interests!
if ur dming me looking just for a sexual relationship ur out of luck, im not comfortable engaging sexually on a personal level unless i am in a committed relationship with someone. i would fall somewhere on the demi spectrum, i cant do hookups or anything of that nature. i am looking for a healthy and committed relationship as i am currently single and prefer to be romantically involved! i am not opposed to getting to know someone to see if theres potential there :] i am always open to making new friends to hang out with as well, infact thats always how my relationships start and how i prefer them to start
my interests are pretty broad and all over the place, and i tend to find new things i obsess over and learn about all of the intricacies of every so often. its impossible to list everything here but ill try to list off as much as i can that ive been engaging in recently or just things that have influenced a lot of my life!
video games:
earthbound/mother series, skyrim, fallout 4, the forest, botw/totk, splatoon 3 (especially salmon run!), minecraft (including modpacks, especially relating to adventure based ones like rlcraft but i do have fun with more technical ones), fnaf and other indie horror (love hate relationship lmao), pokemon, subnautica, lego games, terraria, raft, the isle, resident evil, phasmophobia, stardew valley
generally i have an affinity for open world survival games, horror games, and game design as a whole, and i love to 100% complete games :]
shows and movies:
studio ghibli movies, netflix's she-ra, jjba, chainsaw man, lotr (huge nerd, books and everything to do with the lore interests me i have a big collection), neon genesis evangelion, breaking bad, better call saul, nature documentaries, prehistoric planet, gravity falls, the owl house, atla
music:
i really like post hardcore, emo, and alternative! sometimes i will dip into other genres like classic rock, synthwave, or eurobeat. not a big fan of pop or rap though!
some bands i like:
dance gavin dance, hot mulligan, bilmuri, hands like houses, billy talent, picturesque, emarosa, the bunny the bear, motionless in white, death cab for cutie
other!:
i am very involved in politics from a heavily left leaning standpoint, as it is very important to me! i have strong interests in subjects involving history, especially with dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. i like infodumping to people and i like when people infodump to me. i have interest in extreme weather phenomenon like tornadoes and thunderstorms. i prefer rainy days over sunny ones, especially thunderstorms as i find the sound of rain and thunder very peaceful and calming. i really enjoy playing video games co-op with other people, and i also just like talking to people or listening to youtube videos while playing games casually. sometimes i draw art but i havent done much of that recently. i grew up on warrior cat roleplaying and if u did too then shoutouts to u ur a real one LMAOOO
i am very open to dms abt any of these subjects! bear in mind however that i am a bit picky with who i develop friendships with and i may be a bit disengaged if we dont 'click'. regardless, i do appreciate it if u took the time to read this and i hope u have a lovely day <3
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soldier-poet-king Β· 2 years
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whining, complaining, family drama, religious-flavoured homophobia below
as if im just not already overwhelmed with the 50000 things going on in my life rn, my father has decided car-ride home time on days i commute with him is Free Therapy Time for him to vent about mid-life crises, my mother, my brothers, his work, everything and anything under the sun
NORMALLY i just kinda. zone out. add a lot ofΒ β€˜uh-huhs’ and interject only when interested or needed bc i will absolutely lose my gourd if i had to sit there and process all of his shit but also he’s the only thing keeping us in house and fed and i know He Is Having A Bad Time, he’s too much of a stubborn cishet white man to listen to anything i try to tell him will help
TODAY THO. im just. already having a trying time with Life and Everything in General. he decides he has to bring up that a lot of the teachers in the religion department are apparently worried about the big bad govt coming for them forΒ β€˜saying the catholic truth about ~ gays and transgenders ~’. that’s already a can of worms argument im not going to have with him bc he IS expressly homophobic and i am trapped in a car w him.
The conversation moves on. I said smthn about a dead spider this morning i found in my room and how it was horrible bc im afraid of nothing more than spiders. and HE FUCKIN SAYSΒ β€˜oh but also boys’
IMΒ β€œ?????? HELLLO??????? WHAT THE FUCK??? 1) thats fuckin rude just bc ive never dated and brothers 1 and 2 are in long-term relationships, i /could/ just be a normal straight person who’s had bad dating luck, wtf does he know 2) he follows this maybe 5 min after his THE GAYS comments???? this is not the first time he’s brought up some of his students that he suspects areΒ β€˜gays’ orΒ β€˜struggling with gender identity stuff’ and he’s usually horrible about talking about it and i feel fuckin awful for these kids, and he ALSO always tries to give me absolutely bullshit youth ministry young catholic resources he picks up from his school (and they’re terrible, exactly the sort of shit you’d expect, idk how to explain to him that i absolutely hate that shit but am still more knowledgeable about religion and more devout than these absolute CHARLATANS and also my father knows SHIT ALL about ANYTHING like his religious knowledge is LAUGHABLE and im not saying every single catholic has to study theology and philosophy but like ho ho holy shit you’re letting this mans teach ur children about religion?????)
Β but has he been saying these things this whole time not just bc im Free Therapy but bc he is like. β€œyes here is my adult probably lesbian daughter and i have to remind her to be A Good Catholic even tho i speak so shittly about queers.”
im just??? so it’s like. live with this knowledge and suffer bc im not dating and probably never will given im not seeking out anything. or?? be likeΒ β€˜actually no i dont date bc queer issues even tho i technically could be licitly catholiclly married bc bisexual but MOSTLY its bc u and mother fucked me up so severely that i cannot even conceive of having a romantic relationship or children so that gay shit is just extra added bonus’
i am going to end up like this one single middle-aged lady who works at the church who is Definitely A Lesbian but is also mean af and parishioners have This Vibe (derogatory) around her.
also lmao at the fact my father truly cannot just. believe a person could want to be single for non religious gay trauma reasons. aroace ppl???? never heard of them
fuck me. im changing my name and moving. i cant actually, but holy shit please let me leeavveeeeeee this hell. i cannot be a Whole Person in the place i grew up and was traumatized in.
i can speak of duty and obligation and all the wonderful things i have ahead of me all i’d like, im still. just. tired of this shit. and im exhausted by the prospect of The Rest Of My Life Being Like This Forever, Thara Celehar we truly be in it
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oh my gosh, did you just say you roleplay in your room?? dude (gender neutral)!! that’s so smart. and also really cute..:)
you talked about having ADHD. i’ve been having some trouble lately and i was wondering what it looks like for you? just to get an idea wether i might need to check it out or not.
thank you, i think...? this is the strangest ask ive ever received but i think being called cute is a compliment LMAO so ty
so like. adhd looks different in everyone it affects, and i always recommend reaching out to a psychiatrist or even just your physician if you suspect you might have some Fucky Stuff going on with your brain! i was diagnosed with adhd when i was 10 which is pretty telling for how severe mine is because they dont usually diagnose afab kids that young LMAO but again. everyone is different!
HOWEVER i will start this off by saying that i also have severe bipolar 1, which has a lot of overlapping symptoms with adhd. im not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a therapist (or any other -ist), and i couldnt tell you which of my Problems are adhd and which are bipolar. so here's your disclaimer to please not use me as the deciding factor for whether or not you have adhd! my adhd personally is life-altering and essentially ruined my childhood for various reasons, and it's still something i struggle with daily. not every case is so severe (most aren't, in fact), so take everything i say with a grain of salt!
but here's a list of things i attribute to my adhd, which is very far from a complete list, but it's what i can think of off the top of my head:
i HATE silence. whenever im doing anything i have to be playing music or listening to something or i cant focus at all, but it also cant be New Music or ill just get distracted and not be able to focus
on the flip side, i also cant fully concentrate if i have any sort of noise. so if im trying to have a serious conversation that requires my full attention, i have to turn off all music and essentially block my ears so that i can focus. no i dont know why but its SO FUCKING ANNOYING
i alternate between skipping every song halfway through because i get bored quicker than a song can finish or listening to the same song for 6 hours on loop and still wanting to listen to more of it. seriously, i listened to rockstar sea shanty by nickelback almost 400 times this year alone, and i only just discovered it in august
when i hyperfixate, i cannot do ANYTHING else or i get massively depressed and lose all motivation. i ended up in a psych ward back in october because the thought of doing my (easy and otherwise enjoyable) job made me self-harm because i was hyperfocused on watching a specific show and i couldnt do ANYTHING else. im a terrible employee
time management? not here! im late to EVERY SINGLE THING. i had an interview yesterday and i was late by 15 minutes. when i was working at petsmart, i can count on both hands the number of times i showed up to work on time in an ENTIRE YEAR. i have no idea why im like this and i hate it
i pace. a LOT. like, i spend several hours a day pacing. i literally just walk around my kitchen and living room and bedroom aimlessly. im like an npc, but instead of giving you helpful tips i just give you really shitty one liners and puns until you beat me to death
if im not pacing, im doing SOMETHING. whether im biting my nails, popping my knuckles, bouncing my leg, bobbing my head, anything. its physically impossible for me to sit still. like right now, im sitting at my desk typing on my keyboard, but im also shaking my legs violently and bobbing my head to the music im currently playing (it's hicktown by jason aldean. yeah, i enjoy country music. im a redneck sorry)
i SUCK at multitasking. like, even just listening to something and writing. or listening to someone and watching tv. or listening to two things at once. okay, so im starting to think im just really bad at listening. but STILL. my mom can work and watch tv at the same time, but if i try to do that i just end up watching tv and i cant get anything done. i absolutely cannot concentrate if two things are happening at once
i cant watch movies. i literally spend more time rewinding and playing back whatever i missed while i was checking my phone than i do actually watching the movie. im the same way with tv shows unless im hyperfixated on them, but at least theyre shorter so i can take more breaks
again, this is not a complete list. nor does this mean that if you check all of these boxes then you also have adhd, or that if you dont check them then you dont. i cannot stress enough that adhd affects every person differently. thats why its such a bitch to diagnose, and why the symptoms overlap with so many other illnesses and disorders.
i do hope that some of this helped! i have no issues with talking about my own mental problems because im a very firm believer that they should be destigmatized and more often talked about publicly, but i try to limit how often i bring up my own issues unless someone directly asks about them because i know not everyone wants to hear about them and that's fine too!
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heartfucksmouth Β· 1 year
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can't sleep. I find it hard to get comfortable lately and I'm kind of dreading not being able to lay on my stomach or back bc my hips are so shitty. I'm so glad I already have a body pillow but dang.
moreso, I woke up to pee and then was wide awake because I was thinking of the painful and stressful overtone in the house when it comes to myles mom. I don't want my partner to be in distress like this. and my mom offered for us to go stay with her and maybe we could save to buy a house (i really do not want to get stuck in the housing system as well, esp bc myles wouldnt be able to live with me from what ive read), but that brings its own problems with boundaries and I'm not speaking to my dad (definitively and with no end in sight) but my mom talks to him every day and sees him weekly. so it would be a relief bc we wouldn't have daily beratement and feeling like we (but mainly myles) can't exist and take up space and that im put on a pedastal bc im ~female and all men are disappointments and fuck ups or something, but I'd be inviting other potential chaos and confrontation - unless my mom really truly gets that she needs to keep her relationship with my dad separate. and I'm not her daily sounding board... I need my space. it sucks so much to feel like im stuck in this again, but it's not surprising either.
I also briefly freaked out about how we would file taxes after the baby is born. I don't even file bc of my ssdi income, but having a child might change that. and then we can't get married or I lose my ssdi payments - to get the tax breaks of having a dependent/child... so I'm just like... what is going to happen with that?
the stigma and, essentially political position, of being disabled and pregnant is ever-present in my mind.
also myles mom was like "if it's a girl, ill try to soften" and I'm like lmao but if it's a boy?? you'll continue your legacy of emotional abuse and calling the men in your life retards and making them feel worthless and flawed?? no fucking thank you...
like, fuck parents like these. I can't wait to raise my kid conscientiously and intentionally so they turn out to be a compassionate human with emotional regulation skills.
also, the whole "mother" and gendered stuff isn't usually super present in my mind, but since I'm awake and ruminating, that came up too. I do feel more female and womanly being pregnant, its hard not to, and i dont think i should be ashamed of it bc any femininity i embody tends to be both soft and strong, and i think thats empowering? I chose nonbinary to describe myself bc I really don't care for the binary we have of gender, but I don't think that negates having a more fluid relationship with gender. everyone basically calls me she/her, but I feel very clear on defining myself as nonbinary. I don't usually care how people refer to me, I think it's just too tiresome for me to bother with personally. I know how i feel, and I get that it's confusing for people to understand . I still get caught up trying to explain it, but to me, it's simply an authentic feeling and allowing myself to .. accept where I'm at every day is very self-compassionate. idk if this makes sense, it's almost 2am lol
plus everyone's question is when we find out the gender of the baby lol. me and myles talked about having the main baby clothing color be green bc I hate how clothing colors are gendered. we talked about possibly a gender neutral name, but we'll see. small things like that feel really supportive to me!
I felt some weird guilt or something after sharing the news and ultrasound with more people. everyone is so so happy for us, but . idk I almost felt shame for being happy - or like it's gonna get taken from me etc. I think it's a very vulnerable position bc there is so much attention on me and judgements are always being passed. maybe it's trying to control people's expectations of me or something, and I'm sure it's internalized stuff I still have to work through.
I just want to sleep.
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twoheaddeddog Β· 1 year
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Mental health is so bad rn im questioning if it's ever been good. I was excited to graduate school and start the rest of my life but now I'm scared what will happen without that structure. I do need a break but I'm gonna get so sick of my parents if I spend all my time at home. I've lost all my passions and feelings so going to class is just a chore i force myself to do but without anything external forcing me to go outside and keep a regular sleep schedule especially in winter I'm scared I'll be on a downward spiral. But I know I need a break too if I just get a job straight away I'll get even more burnt out. I don't know what to do. I guess I've got to give myself some tasks to do, pick some new goal to work towards. If i don't care then any goal is as good as any other. Anxiety corrupts everything I do, everything becomes terrifying, it's like a fog around everything I can't escape. God I don't know. I actually want meds at this point, before I was too scared of being dependent on anything but now I don't feel like I have a choice, like I am actually unable of controlling my anxiety or being happy on my own. It's a waking nightmare to be completely honest and I can't think my way out of it because the thing that does the thinking is generating the nightmare. Grrrrrrrrrrrrargh. I do have to believe it's going to get better I know life moves like a wave and if I just keep going eventually something will change. But god I feel so defeated
Yeah idk I thought somehow that my anxiety would disappear like that it was a childhood phase I would grow out of once I did enough Cool Shit and i thought i had grown out of it but i was really just suppressing my feelings & covering it up with alcohol at social events lmao. All my life really I dreamed of a magical solution or some dramatic shift that would save me and make me happy and lovable and worthy. But ive moved across the continent twice and changed my gender and if those arent dramatic enough changes then nothing is. My last hope was moving out of my parents i thought. I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I dont know. That getting to be on my own would fix me. But now I know it wont I tried having jobs and that was my lowest point. SO i dont think living on my own would be that much different. I want to do it anyway but I have no hope itll fix me. I'm facing the scary prospect that I'm gonna be the same person forever like I can't run away from how my brain works. Horrible actually. Yarghghghghghghghhghghghghgh
I want desperately to be someone else, someone whos attractive and confident and unbothered and doesnt have all these rigid neuroses. But i just feel like its impossible I keep being defeated when I try to become them. It's like I always return to this place of loneliness and alienation and numbness. I fucking hate it here but i'm its bitch it has a hold on me. What the hell do i do???? God
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catfish-and-the Β· 2 years
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rnating. u can scroll past
i dont even kno where to begin everything is just bad and everything aches and everything is empty and each waking moment just feels Bad and its hard to sleep and the Bad feeling wakes me up in the middle of the night and its the first thing i feel when i wake up is just Bad and e mpty and its been over a month and when i say ive tried everything to feel better like i have lmao ive tried all thrhee types of antidepressants and ive tried nicotine and weed and positive reflection and gratefulness exercises and not self h*rming and doing physical exercise ive tried going out to socialize more often and scheduling time out for hobbies and ive tried surrounding myself with the color yellow and eatinng a better diet and keeping up with self care and getting therapy and staying hydrated all at once all at the same tiem and still still it feels like this and im really just. i really feel like it wont get better lmao this really feels like a brand new low and ive just been feeling like this for at least a decade if not longer and i hate living like this but nothing fucking helps in fact like i said ive felt worse than ever before it just doesnt feel like it will get better no matter what i do because i feel like ive done almost everything i could possibly do and it just hasnt worked. and i feel like its only going to get worse because the future is Ass like the news and the gov and the politics and the climate and working your whole life away for nothing and im so scared ill get a job that i dont like and make everything so much worse and im just so mad and sad because i switched out of my old phsics major bc it was too much for me and it destroyed my psyche bc me and my friends would like spend 6 hrs after class in the student tutor room trying to get help for one proble and the tutrs didnt even know how to solve it and i was like i cant throuw my youth away doing this because i already did that in high school and it got me fucking nowhere so i switched out to have time to live life but then covid happened and i was too late anyway bc by then everyone had their friend groups already and still now i dont have. like. friends lol. so i switched out of my dream major but there was no life for me to live so it really feels like it was all for nothing and also idk if this is for everyone but weed out classes made me feel brain damaged and like destined to be stupid even now im like im not smarte nougha dn im not tough anough and im not reilient enough and it has instilled in me this forever guilt and forever self doubt idk how to explain it i just feel so bad bc i really did like physics i just wasnt smart or strong enough i guess lmaoooo but the thing is if i knew thhat there would be no life to catch up on. i wouldve just stayed in that major bc i didnt need to do anything else. now im in english w all the time in the world and straight As and my friends dont invite me to their hangouts.
and then theres also the fact that idk i feel bad saying this but for some reason ppl of my own gender and race dont like me lmfao like i still cant believe ppl of my own race and gender would like. try to get me to not be on the elevator at the same time as me we r both waiting for the elevator and then she gets in and closes the door on me when we are BOTH WAITING THERE. and this has happened w several complete strangers several times and im like what do u have against me fr im trying so hard to be a better person im trying so hard but it feels so u nfair. and the beauty standards are so extreme and i never fit in and it makes me feel like shit and guys of my race will always call me ugly completely unprompted or something and im just like. im just trying so hard. and i have 0 social skills bc i spent all of my time as a kid studying bc i love avademia and it was the only thing anyone ever respected me for cos i was always the kid that was the butt of jokes and pranked on and left out so i was like i have to be smart if i want to be respected but then i have no social skills but i still dont have any lmao and i feel so lonely bc i dont know how to make deep and close connections and ive never been in a relationshipandΒ β€œeveryone will get their time” or whatever but the lack of experience is scary bc i feel like im goonna fuck something up inevitably bc ive never done this before and/or i will have trust issues and self confidence issues bc of how im always treated and its like yeah enjoy being alone but i have been alone my whole life and i feel like ive exhausted everything out of it i want connections now i want to share things now. going to restaurants and parks and shops by urself and having a good time is fine but i have been doing that for over ten years im old now i want. i want to share my life w someone but theres no one to share it with lol. and the longer i go without sharing it it just feels like the less hope there is for things changing. i tried googling how to socialize and make conversations and form closer bonds but it just doesnt work and i feel like i was never destined to be happy or have good things bc everything ve tried at never has worked out. i wanted to go to a nice college and failed. i wanted to be a physicist and failed. i wanted to make friends and failed. i wanted to be ina band and failed/ i wanted to make my own career and failed. its been over ten years. i want it all to stop i dontn want to try anymore i know how it always turns out.
#and i feel like i have to get a nice job bc like#in my culture the children care for their parents right and i have always felt like a parasite child#to my parents so ive always wanted to like take care of them annd just like be nice to them back so#i thot i could get a good job and send them money but this job might kill me bc i dont like it#but i also feel like i cant ruin their legacy bc they were immigrants and worked rlly hard to get#to where they are now and i dont wanna fuck that up but like oh my god#oh my god idk everything hurts so bad#and ive grown to be so bitter and so angry bc the way im always treated and ill be rlly curt#towards ppl that dont deserve it so the guilt just keeps piling up but ic abt control it either#bc my parents also just put this stress on me and also dont help w me socializing like every summer#i come back bc i have to but then my friends on the rare occassion they invite me i cant go#bc my parents dont let me#idk im just so sad and bitter and angry and full of guilt#when i was a kid i made a promise to myself that i would try to make the best life decisions so that this wouldnt happen#but i ended up becoming the very thing i swore i would never become and it is just so sad#its just the fact that ive done everythingin my power to help for as long as i could its been several years#and its only gotten worse but i know i even tried to d ie several times ad failed at that too#i dont know what my next option is everything hurts and i want it all to stop i just want everything to stop#and w grad school approaching im burdened w another decision of. leaving my band and starting over#or staying in a place i never wanted to be anyway and i donnt know what the move is#im so out of hope im contemplating op iates or xan or something bc i dont know what else to do ive tried#ive tried
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blasphamoustraitors Β· 5 years
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So im on an upswing and whatever and i still feeling triple a
#leo living#like. i think its truly just been that im better and suppressing shit when i have more energy so thats what ive been doing for years!#anyway still he him his still like masc words in reference to me thats not different#im just embracing not being binary which like obvs ive already been gnc the whole time like really for real nothings changing#i just feel more whole and free going actually im Not binary#im still non gender left man#also i know triple a mean aroace agender but if i have to put a label on my gender other than man i like voidgender better#just its close enough to agender and i like the term triple a its compact and ive liked it for like at least a couple years now lmao#anyway ive been a chicken shit abt being aroace since i was a teen weve gone over this recently already#anyway anyway i was watching a ytber today and he said something like if u stop being on t some things are permanent#and other things go back likely everything that i want would be solved by going on a regular dose of t and then stopping i got my changes#which i never fucking thought of before bc ive always been like well i do a low dose my whole life#but i really really likely wouldnt have to#i mean i might not ever have to stop it depends what t actually does change for me but having the epiphany that i can stop was uh good#anyway also with feeling better ive been straight up able to cry abt hyperfixations and SpIns again which i love doing#i should hang out w ppl while im feeling good hum!#i rlly need to sleeb oops
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