#im just making these for all my comfort characters now
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what could possibly go wrong?
matt sturniolo x influencer!reader
summary: matt tries to teach his girlfriend how to play fortnite on a twitch stream, request
warnings: lots of fluff, swearing, fortnite?, some suggestive jokes, yapper! reader
“babe, come sit with me. i just started the stream. people are joining, only for you i think” matt laughed
“of course they are they love me. i keep it real and i’m hilarious” you replied pulling out the extra chair by matt’s desk and sitting down.
“okay, so here’s your controller, and i’m gonna put the headset on you so people can hear you talk.” matt gently placed the headset on you and brushed a piece of hair out of your eyes.
matt got up for a second telling you that he was going to the kitchen to get a drink. you jokingly slapped his ass on his way out. you quickly looked between the camera and the chat trying to read what everyone was saying.
“guys, you want to know what i was thinking about today?” you waited to see their responces even though you were most likely going to tell them anyway.
“so i was driving around la today, and it’s getting hot out again, so everyone’s driving their convertibles. and i drove past like four of them. all i could think about was how easy it would be to steal the car, not that im going to, but how do people feel comfortable leaving their shit open like that”
matt walked back in as you continued to rant about convertibles, “i don’t know about you but half of my life is in my car. if i had a convertible people could easily just take all of my stuff”
matt looked at you dumbfounded, “what are you on about kid?” you looked up at him with admiration on your face.
“im telling them how i feel about convertibles. look they’re mad that you interrupted me.” you pointed at the chat. they were all waiting for you to finish your thought. “this is why we don’t like men guys, they just like to interrupt and be the center of attention”
matt cut you off before you could go on another tangent. “okay, we all know they love when you come on here, but let’s play fortnite.”
you looked at matt trying to hold yourself back. you looked at the camera and gave them a wink.
“what”
“… that’s what she said”
you stood up when you noticed something on the shelf about matt’s desk.
“dude you ass is in my face, and your…boobs… are in the camera” he said awkwardly as he pulled your arm for you to sit back down. he waited to see what you grabbed.
“don’t act like it’s the first time my ass has been in your face,” you sat down holding up your space camp lipbalm to the camera. “shameless plug. go buy it right now. immediately. instantly.”
you applied the chapstick as matt looked at you with puckered lips. he was expecting you to apply the lipbalm on him but instead you gave matt a kiss with a giggle.
“okay so fortnite” matt said trying to get you back on track, blushing.
“yes yes let’s do it” you replied.
“do you know how to use the controller?”
“yes sir, i think i do”
matt looked at you with a raised eyebrow in question. you didn’t let up though, you were sure you could figure out how to use the controller in secret.
“so you have to start by picking a character.”
“i’m indecisive. can you pick for me?” you said with a smile.
“no babe, you got it just pick one.” matt said with a chuckle. he set his chin in your shoulder to get a better look.
“i’m gonna go bonkers if i have to make decisions this whole time, matt”
“no there’s just one i promise. everything else is preloaded from me so you don’t have to worry,” he leaned forward to kiss your neck lovingly.
“i love when you make things easy for me. thanks baby.” you said taking your hand off the controller for a second to lace your arm through matt’s.
matt and you had been together for a while now, and with you both having lives on the internet a lot of your relationship was public.
the fans went crazy for anything related to the two of you. they loved you guys together. you had very different personalities, but it seemed to click flawlessly. they always said that opposites attract.
while matt was more reserved, you tended to speak your mind and talk about anything and everything. you were a certified yapper and proud of it, baby. your yapping kept the fans fed on the insides of yours and matt’s relationship. consensually of course.
“okay, so you’re just going to drop in and see what happens”
“what do you mean drop in? im just letting myself fall?” you were very confused on the workings of video games.
“yep, now just make sure you aware of your surroundings”
“making sure i’m aware of my surroundings, got it. i’m just gonna run over here and see what i can find.” you drowned on.
things went smoothly for a couple minutes. you managed to stay alive and not show that you really didn’t know what you were doing with the gaming controller.
all of a sudden you heard distant shots being fired from behind you. not thinking anything of it you kept of running about.
“y/n they’re shooting at you.”
“oh! wait what? where?” you had no clue what was happening. things were going by so fast.
“turn around and shoot at them.”
“matt what?” he was trying to point to where they were on your screen. “dude i don’t even know how to shoot”
“what! i thought you said you knew how to use the controller”
“yeah well i lied” you said panicked.
“these teenage boys are probably laughing at me and that’s a scary thought. teenage boys are scary.” you whined.
you kept pressing random buttons trying to figure out how to fire back, but it was no use. you rushed and threw the controller in matt’s hands so he could take over.
he some how managed to get the kill and your player only ended up injured.
by this point you had given up on the attempts to play fortnite.
you let matt fully take over now. as he played a few more rounds you began to converse with the chat. answering questions and just rambling about some interesting topics.
“y/n what’s going on in your head right in this moment?” you read from the chat. “um, i was thinking about how i was vlogging earlier and there was a spider in my room. i simply couldn’t believe it. i trapped it, but i made matt come get it out of my house”
“that’s very true. i had to drive over there for moral support.”
“my knight in shining armor.” you smiled, looking up at him. “my handsome prince”
matt blushed from your comment as he finished the game he was in while you continued taking to the viewers. you guys decided to wrap things up 5 minutes later.
“how are you feeling now that you know kinda how to play?” matt questioned.
“i feel like i’d rather sit next to you and talk to the chat while you play then actually play myself. i think i’m more content watching you play, but it was a good experience. thank you for teaching me, baby” you kissed matt on the cheek as he began to end the stream.
“i’m gonna be honest, i was stressed for you.” matt stated.
“i was to anxious. i didn’t like having to be in high alert 24/7”
“alrighty, bye guys thanks for hanging out with us”
you blew a kiss to the camera as the filming came to an end.
“can we go to bed now,” you questioned matt as you stretched and got out of your chair.
“yeah of course we can” matt replied pulling you over to his mattress with him.
an: i hope you enjoy this. tbh i know nothing about fortnite so i hope this made sense and met your expectations 🤍🤍
#matt sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo imagine#matt x reader#sturniolo fanfic
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it's just to me a bad sign on how things will go moving forward especially if the buck/tommy ship doesn't go away come season 8 like you are all clearly thinking it will or if it does but they revisit it later. eddie isn't confirmed to be queer in canon yet, he might never be so what's the plan? shitting on the canon romances buck gets and/or patronizingly praising them as long as they serve buddie endgame?
babe you went on a TRIP. ok so im not sure which answer you want me to give you here. fandoms work in specific ways, and this fandom has always been primarily buddie. granted, up until 7x04 they only dated women, but alas, they havent dated each other is my point.
its only natural that people who ship buddie endgame may like to partake on Buck's newest relationship but only as a relationship bound to break to make space for buddie - because thats what they (or we, i guess) ship.
i dont know whats gonna happen next season, or god, this one, but i know ive never taken a shit on any of their partners unless they have done something wrong. never liked taylor bc she was so selfish and played dirty, but lucy and ana and shannon i never had any trouble with, i just didnt see them as that character's forever (and marisol i dont like bc of the actress, but we can get into that later).
thing is, people are gonna ship whatever they ship. you cant change that. im not exactly sure why you went on the bisexual tangent, but as a queer person i can tell you its got nothing to do with sexuality. my advice to you as a person who curates her fandom experience is to blatantly stay away from blogs, fics and fanons you dont enjoy. fandoms are optional, this is supposed to be something that you do in your spare time and love, so why go meddle where you know you dont feel comfortable?
personally, im riding both trains right now, and i enjoy fanfics in most of their forms, so im gonna write/read fanfics where tommy isnt his final love, or some where he is, or threesomes where they end up together (all of them), or where they dont. its fiction! it can vary and spiral and - you get it.
about canon queer eddie, its not something i have the power to decipher. if you follow me, or if youve seen my posts, you should know i think hes queer, but im not gonna go down that road right now bc technically, that doesnt matter for the question. if he never becomes canonically queer, then, well, sometimes we lose. not for that im gonna "shit" or "praise patronizingly" any of their love interestes as long as they are good people who make them happy, whatever gender they are.
#can yall agree on the asks dfghjkjhgf#this is like a 180 from the one i just answered#also this was a four part ask but im just gonna answer this one#911#buddie#911 tv show#evan buckley#911 abc#eddie diaz#evan buck buckley#911 on abc#bucktommy#tommy kinard
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Can u plz do more of the Zelda movie au? I really like it and would like to see like maybe a documentary comic about the filming and are the actors for link and Zelda dating or is it just them as characters? (u don’t have to actually draw that if u don’t see this or u don’t want to)
im so late replying to this but i have SOOO many ideas on the zelda movie au!! let me share some lore hehe
So you know the spiderman actor and his love interest actress dating curse? how every actor that has played spiderman ends up dating the actress for mj / gwen Stacy? i like to think it's a similar trend with the zelink actors, except not all of them are dating. Botw / totk zelink DEFINETLY and the actors like to keep the details of their relationship private, but Link is NOT shy about how head over heels he is for zelda
Skyward sword zelink? you can never tell. it's the type of dynamic where Twitter stans are dying to know and interviewers always ask them about it but they both dodge the question successfully each time. They could be besties. They could be secretly married. Nobody knows.
Now, oot zelink are not dating, but in my head they're like Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson. Ride or die besties, and they're the biggest oot zelink shippers you'll ever find.
Tp zelink aren't necessarily dating, perhaps some tension (?) however i like to think that their dynamic is more a trio one with midna's actress, who's best friends with zelda and they both playfully bully link
You know who else bullies link? oot ganondorf's actor. Irl he's actually in super good relations with every cast member and probably the warmest kindest most solid dude you'll ever meet but in every interview, every red carpet, every con event he always pretends like oot link is a nuisance and that he's only doing this because he's getting paid. When the Wind waker releases, he's obviously cast again (because duh, same ganondorf, so he's also in the Twilight Princess movie), and he takes care of link and tetra very well on set and makes sure they're always comfortable as child actors, all while he acts to be this super evil guy on camera. I love this duality, I feel like he would be so chill to talk to
In a way, I feel like the major cast from the franchise all know each other one way or another whether they're friends or just professional colleagues, they all relate to each other in some way. There's always a playful competition between botw and ss zelink actors on which pairing is the best, tp link's actor always jokingly disses wind waker for its seemingly childish approach while ww link insists his movie has the better soundtrack.
And now I'm rambling, and I definetly did not mean to dump this all on your ask omg I'm so sorry but this au transpires so much fun to me it makes me silly
#also forgot to add this but totk ganondorf actor would be very aware of the thirst train about him and acts very smug about it#loz#tloz#rias blurbs#tloz movie au#zelda#the legend of zelda#legend of zelda#tloz au#zelink#breath of the wild#twilight princess#wind waker#ocarina of time#skyward sword#tears of the kingdom
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a few little room adjustments! 💖💚🌸 i love my desk a lot now, and the new little sakura Laito tapestry is soo cute!!😭💖 (look, my room is not fully Laito-only actually😔😔 this part at least... the wig is Shogun Raiden btw!)
also say hi to the chibi gang on my table<3 (no space left for them on my shrine lmaoo)
#years of collecting little things here and there so now i feel very happy with my room!#it really changed over the years#also go and collect things you see that make you happy!!#i also have a whole collection of crystals and some peacock feathers#always loved these things since i was tiny#another awesome decoration are fairylights <33#and cute plushies#books you enjoy#photos you love on your wall from trips and friends and events#next to all of your favourite characters merch ofc#happy comfort place is very important!<3#bless everyone who read all that#putting a little spell here for you for good things to happen to you and that your wishes and plans become wonderful reality<3#btw i got the pastel pink-white desk shelf from aliexpress it really made everything better<3 just got it but if anyone wants the link?#im happy to share it<3#diabolik lovers#diahell#dialovers#laito sakamaki#sakamaki laito#merch#laito appreciation#ディアボリックラヴァーズ#ディアラバ#逆巻ライト
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im so sosry for ranting abour this again but auhgufhgh im making a ref sheet of my ocs for myself beacse EVERYTIME I DRAW THEM THEY LOOK SOOOSK DIFFERENT os i thoguht maybe this can help me memorize their faces but EVEN THO IM USING GUIDELINES THE SAME CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE DIFFERENT PEOPLE ITS JUST A HEAD TURN AROUND I CANT DO THIS I FEEL SO VIOLENT WHY IS MY ART STYLE HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS HOWWWWWWW DO I FIX THIS
#everytime when im drawing any of my ocs and someone mixes them up with another oc my heart shatters to 7463874693 pieces#that either means everyone i draw looks the same or the same oc i draw looks so different every time#at that point they just went with whoever they think is the closest#im having the hardest time making my sentences right now what is going on my talkşng abilites have went down to zero#no like also ive always struggled w same face syndrome without realising#all my art life i had ocs that looked exactly the same from an outsiders view but they looked sososooo different to me#like i just erased my ocs frrom existence when i was 12 cuz everyone mixed them up and it frustrated me so bad#and i look back at that era AND THEY REALLY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME I CANT TELL WHO IS WHO#AND THIS KEPT HAPPENING until i got into sims which pushed me to egt out of my comfort zone#this is why its very important to be obsessed with the ugliest character u can find ^_^(NERVOUS SUBJECT)#and now im scared i once again convinced myslef that my ocs look very different when they actually arent#ok maybe this is a transitional period from having a same face syndrome to being able depict different kinds of people#and im in between rn cuz since im nnot used to this i just cant draw the same face again#and everytime i draw it loks like a dfifferent stuyle whatfevrrrr whatevr#wow writing down your feelings really do work maybe i should get a journal#ramblings
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i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.
i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please
i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light
#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them#i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow#so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday#i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day#its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad#he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that#im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it#wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser#that shouldnt be normal!!!!#but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships#bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year#so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again#i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be#but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are'#but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔#and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into#my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing#not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes#its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters#but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight#and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock#vent#ptsd#sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again#i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself#im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can#theres only so much i can do#when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal#i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything
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my favorite genre of tv series always has to involve like a character that has gone thru some form of rape or sa. like idk man it's crazy when i watch them i just instantly relate to them so much like if the actor is good n the writing is well done i can literally like idk how to say this but we have the same train of thoughts our minds work the same way. like the anxiety and urgency that they go thru life like i can smell it on them i know the smell
#like to be honestly i was a child so i dont have much of a memory of it at all. im fine u know#even like liz moss performance in shining girls... that goes crazy n i fucking hated the whole plot but it just. OMG n elizabeth moss in#invisible man. im realising now she play a lot of this character. then camille sharp obj then the girls from the show unbelievable#like im not saying theyre my comfort shows but genuinely sometimes i have no one to relate to in this aspect of my life like its a heavy#thing to bring up w the girls ik who have experienced it n its also SUCH A FUCKING BUMMER like i dont wanna bring down the mood#id rather watch my little show n cry and bam next day#omg i may destroy u is the best makes me wanna diw
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the mystery gang to me is that group of people that have a bubble around them of 'in their own world' that you feel wrong to try and enter ngl
alternate that i couldnt resist making:
also sorry for no scooby this was meant to be like a school cafeteria
#i left freds nose cause i felt like it added to the tbh face sjgjsbtjsjgj#my post#my art#scooby doo#it looks more like a prison than a school cafeteria sfjjtjd#im decent at drawing humans and animal-ish creatures but not inanimate things ajgjwjfjdf#especially not chairs ugh#fred jones#daphne blake#shaggy rogers#velma dinkley#colors#im also not good at drawing the back of people cause why would i usually skgjsjt#tbh face#maybe i could make a version with scooby but quite frankly im sick of drawing this by now waaa#this is such a simple drawing but its so out of my comfort zone cause all i do is drawing people standing in a void or MAYBE sitting#i just like drawing characters what can i say
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also was revisiting a little bmc bway interview ft. william last night & him saying his favorite part of the show was probably doing the agtikbi reprise scene on the couch at the party & mentioning the Nonverbal aspect of jeremy & christine's interacting / communicating there & a way of exploring/depicting Love & Affection in a way you don't always see everywhere and like aaaarghhhhh so true good lord that specific scene. and Again the bway obcr version Existing and being like that, it's just like. winded exhale yeah obsessed 5ever thank you all
#sooo true so true....#bmc#love putting it right in like the eye of the storm#both of them basically just having had these breakups & with jeremy that means mitb scene And [all of that A Time he had prior]#also now reflecting on how you know obviously he was Not ready to hear it w/michael & ofc he was affected by what all Just happened#but it's also like probably the worst time to be very pushy even with the best intentions & thinking it's Urgent & right abt all that lmao#but jeremy's Just had like whoops autonomy revoked ten ways to sunday from two different squip figures like#even [being correct! having jeremy's wellbeing in mind!] behind trying to yank him into some outcome; he's gonna be like Not Again#& ofc the sunk cost re: his squip & he has not had time to catch his breath like literally; not in a place to Confront Shit#if even his missed bestie is; from his perspective here; not at all comforting & not giving him what he feels is a real option....#& anyways ofc we can sympathize / understand them both b/c that's what the show is giving at all moments re all characters#all this to say like jeremy & christine like having such a time being very at sea very uncomfortable but then having This moment#and the refreshment & relief finally of having this successful genuine connection & relative security being with this person rn#love & affection for sure....just say what's on your mind....lord first of all that they improvise those Noises every night. i'm gonna cry#second of all imagining not knowing how that scene goes & the pause & jeremy like [augh] & then christine just Yes Anding. aaaugh#head in hands haven't even relistened for a moment despite all this reflection. the downtempo quiet reprise waaah#it's Pretty killer to sit & chat with you....it's pretty killer for me too....sooo true Not getting this everywhere always & Waaugh ;;m;;#and wasn't even thinking of it as a joke like [and talking about devote specific focus on the Nonverbal aspect of such a scene: im putting#my hands on the shoulders of that & keep drawing a deep breath to start talking abt it but instead going Whew & making Expressions]#i.e. the significance of my nonverbal response as per conveying emotions & thoughts lmao. and just....You Know
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He's not wrong 😴😪💤
#thua remains to be my favourite character and i will fight people for him. also he is genuinely hilarious and i love him. that is all.#the eclipse#thua#kanthua#the eclipse series#now to fill the tags with my undying love and devotion: i think theres so many little moments that showcase how comfortable they are#or how comfortable thua is with kan at least#bc hes generally very reserved shy and kinda nervous eg he basically just runs away from his stepdad#eg when he asks ayan not to make trouble for himself and aye immediately refuses he just backs down 'okay just be careful'#but around kan? hes playful hes free hes.. mostly annoyed for the first couple eps and lets him know and kan has to apologise#and whats he annoyed about? sometimes exactly this. kan falling asleep when they should be working.#but he can joke about it now. or when kan says 'im jealous.. i mean worried' thua looks soo amused like yeah sure thats what u meant#its like being with kan gives thua the opportunity to be all of himself and its so sweet to see#i cant wait to see how he develops over the second half of the show i love him and i love kan and we're all holding hands together#liomsa
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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.
#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in#stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and#deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the#doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of#never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own#person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but#she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it#work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3#dw oc
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#mom says that the reason she didnt comfort me while i was having one of the biggest meltdowns of my life was cus i wouldnt tell her what was#wrong and i clearly was capable#like i hate to tell you but just because im technically capable doesnt mean i can communicate easily#im too upset to be able to communicate my thoughts to you about why im upset#she literally told me that its annoying when i cry and scream without telling her whats wrong#she said and i quote I could ask anyone in the world and all of them would be annoyed by this#she said if i just said Sorry i cant calm down i cant talk right now that would be fine like hello? is that not fucking obvious?#i said wouldnt this (being a more concerning thing) make you more sympathetic and she said no it just makes me more annoyed and this is the#normal response#she said even when normal people are throwing up and retching they can communicate whats wrong#that im just pretending to not be able to talk to her to manipulate her and that im being disrespectful by intentionally getting louder and#more disruptive#my parents are convinced i do things on purpose to guilt trip them all the time and i dont understand it because theyve known me for#my whole life and thats the most out of character thing i could ever possibly do but they wont even consider that im not doing that#i asked her why she didnt believe me when i said i wasnt manipulating her and she said I do believe you! when did i ever say i didnt#i dont understand. shes convinced that every normal person behaves like her#and the worst of it is i know shes trying her best and yet still refuses to acknowledge the fact that#I DONT FUCKING MAKE MYSELF MORE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE!#she doesnt seem to understand that overreaction can be conscious and still unavoidable#like yes its not like if i tried i absolutely couldnt calm down and talk to you#but thats not helpful! i dont WANT to try because i am screaming so hard that mythroat will be sore for an entire day!#because i am upset!#i am too upset to care that i can tecxhnically stop#i just dont understand why its so hard to believe im not manipulating her when im genuinely upset#i dont understand why she looks at me like a loose screw. something annoying but not something worth fixing#its always bad enough to warrant anger and never bad enough to warrant a solution#because im crazy but im fine and im not disabled at all
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Hm. Having thoughts
#rant in tags just to get it off my brain. its personal shit not entirely bg3 shit.#but I think I've realized very suddenly that I've been pushing my own boundaries for the sake of companionship#and the irony is BITTER considering the character ive just spent the last month obsessed with.#and that this problem involves online spaces about said character.#i will absolutely give the bg3 fandom credit for handling topics like SA better than the star wars fandom ever did while I was in it.#i was so aggressive to defend my own space and peace of mind due to that and I pushed a lot of people away. I cut a lot of people off.#But then I wound up in spaces that ended up making me feel like I was walking on eggshells constantly for even just liking#certain characters or being too old. But now that im out of those spaces im just. fucking lonely man.#i miss having people to talk about fandom with.#i miss having people to bounce ideas off and enjoy hours long conversations about meta and story ideas.#i miss it so much. but i think as soon as i got into bg3 and dropped that defensiveness i think i left myself TOO open.#im too eager to insert myself into a spaces that im realizing very frequently go WAY the fuck past my comfort zone.#and obviously im minding my own business. even in the past i never sent hate. i just blocked and cut ties and moved on.#i can click out of a discord channel when i realize a topic isn't for me.#but my realization today is that im doing that so frequently that im wondering why im bothering at all?#why am i driven to befriend people if it's clear that their favored topics are ones I can't stomach?#I can acknowledge that im not mentally going to be safe in a space but why have I been forcing myself to ignore that?#i dunno it just. felt very strange to realize this suddenly#questlog
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i'm obsessively checking my email in the hope that a fanfic i'm really obsessed with is finally updated and i think i'm slowly going insane
#im scared because like all of that fic so far has been hurt&very little comfort and i kinda doubt that the author is gonna change that up#any time soon#and im even more scared that it might get a main character death tag added#wich as far as i know would make sense in the canon of the story (i never played cod and i dont think ill start now i just read the wiki)#but i desperately need these characters to get something closesly resembeling a happy ending#a not dead ending is already great enough and also probably the best you can get out of this#i read in his own image and sex at frigid temperature multiple times i should be used to my blorbos not getting anything even#close to happiness#idk how to write that#the english exam tomorrow is gonna be fun#at least i now know the plot of mac beth#anyways idk maybe moth (the author whos writing is currently killing me) is from california and they have like the entire day left and#its just timezone fuckery#it probably is that#but i need that new chapter#desperately#stuff#text#fanfic
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something difficult about writing/storytelling but only in short disconnected bursts is that writing anything longform is very difficult. there isn't as much time to practice long-term character development or subtlety (implying character instead of immediately clarifying) when its not really meant to go anywhere but a notes app. its a little frustrating...i'd love to do something more longform though. i've considered maybe just doing some short writing scenes in my various original universes a lot recently mostly because i just havent had time to draw anything fancy recently </3 maybe that would be something...
#briefly talked about it with a coworker today bc i mentioned my brother makes music#and she got excited because she paints and she showed me some of her work (beautiful btw!!!)#and said she hopes he pursues music and doesnt get his heart crushed by retail like we do#we still make things but ive been thinking about it...it really is like#i feel like ive had less TIME to make things but ive also developed more interest in my own ideas#and in constructing them on their own terms. its hard to describe and even harder to share because its#not churning out fanart for a response i guess?#i dont know. i do feel more satisfied with what im planning but theres less to share#anyway i promised her i'd show her my art sometime so essentially i have to flee the country now#she does lovely work she paints pictures of pets and it seems so nice. she seems so happy with it!#its like...i love it. im a little jealous of it. i feel so much pressure to Do Something New with my art#try to craft scenes and settings (i think setting is such ann important part of storytelling but i have so much trouble drawing it!)#and try new compositions and poses and just not have everything look the same all the time#its led to a lot of work im proud of but its also hard to create under those expectations...#i wish i could find a niche and settle into it comfortably. i think fun character drawings could be that for me#but its...it frustrates me to post those because it feels like if its easy and i like doing it and how it turns out then im not trying#okay i think im done now. sorry for these rambling introspective posts lately lol im#trying to warm back up to posting so i can use this website again (despite how very very bad it is)...#i want to see my frieeeeeends <//////3 i want to be here without running away <///3
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just thinkign out loud and it might seem a bit silly but i think that my interest in sonic came at exactly the perfect time for me
#liek . first of all i got into it right when my health tanked so it has been a great comfort#but also ive been struggling since realizing i cant make art my career#trying to make art fun again#and NOTHINGGGG . has worked better than having absolutely no idea how to draw these characters#ive had to work from the ground up its actually comical how long i have struggled w all the styles and proportions#but it reminds me of when i was 11 . when i was just making stuff in whichever ways i wanted#bc i was just trying to make something I Personally thought was cool#that is exactly whag i am doing now . is what im trying to say#IT IS SILLYYYYY but im kinda emo abt it like i havent had this much fun in ages#i love you mr the hedgehog ! thank you !#guys who are so hard to draw that you gain a new appreciation for artists and also life
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