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#im jsut complaining abt tumblr :"(
d13tpepsist4n · 2 years
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sorry i’ve been super inactive everyone! i haven’t been counting calories recently bc my grandma jsut feeds me so much so im just waiting for tuesday so that i can go home, weigh myself, and complain on tumblr abt how much i probably gained !!!
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miawinters-archive · 4 years
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some times i really wish tumblr was better with their settings (which i know is too much to ask for). I really want this blog to be the closest thing to private, but there’s only two options relating to this: hiding my blog and hiding from search results, but those two options do way more than just what it says.
if i choose “hide my blog” you can only view my blog when you are logged into tumblr (which is nice), BUT i lose the ability to have a nice theme, and after tumblr’s last update people on desktop can no longer send asks because it breaks the dash for some reason. i think it should just be that people need to have an account to see my blog
if i choose “Hide from search results” it hides me from sites like google and doesnt let my posts show in the tags, but it also prevents me from looking at any tag on my own blog, instead saying “theres nothing here!” which isnt really what anyone wants im sure, unless ppl are hiding what they post abt or smth.
Its really annoying that these things could be split into more, precise, separate, options but instead each one feels like a trade off if you want more privacy. not to mention these two options dont even truly hide your blog.
i just really wish tumblr let you have a private blog (where people ask to follow and u accept), or at the very least, it could be like facebook where you could create certain privacy settings for each post, like making every personal post for mutuals only or something. They have a private post section, but i have no clue why anyone would post something on their blog if its going to be only for you anyway. with that, the closest thing to a “private” blog would be their “Password-protected” blogs, which frankly make no sense. why would anyone want to put in a password every time they want to see a blog. 
all these settings seem like very basic options that multiple social media sites have had ages ago, and i wish tumblr wasnt like this :/ I’d love to be able to make my blog private while still making public edits... the closest thing i can do rn w ppl following is individually checking each and softblocking if theyre weird or smth, but honestly if you dont get on too much or you have too many that isnt realistic. 
i remade bc it was clear on my last blog that ppl followed for edits, but got angry w my personal posts, and if my blog could do some inbetween where people could still interact with my edits (that i want ppl to interact with!) but they’d have to follow for 2 weeks or smth before they could comment/send asks that’d be nice. the closest thing is 1 week to reply but that still isnt good enough imo, i’ve had ppl follow, wait a whole week, then reply angry messages to every post i make until i address it, not to mention they could just reblog and comment and also message/send asks. 
the asks/messages/replies should also be better fine tuned. i should be able to make it so ppl cant exactly reblog and comment and replying should be the most casual interaction with messaging being the most intimate i guess. on here its either everyone or people im following, which makes me feel bad for nonmutuals. i wont even get into how i can block an anon and said anon could be a best mutual who ive been speaking to forever and still could because tumblr doesnt block blogs on anon.
idk i wish tumblr was better but i dont wanna be on fb/twitter/insta :/ in my dreams staff adds a helpful update thats already been in use for years but yea
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feraliix · 3 years
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pardon me a hot second to complain about someone under the cut
alright. so . this isn’t anyone on tumblr just gonna put that out there, but i have this friend in a server right
lil cheeky bastard
super self pessimistic, but like who isnt so its whatever, but he’s got this nasty habit of saying self-deprecating jokes but like, the really self-mean ones and so anyway
the other day, when i was upset right abt my friends teasing me about a crush in my server, yeah that was one of the two guys, so when i came to him in private to tell him it wasnt cool, he apologized and started like ‘im so sorry ive been encouraging you two to like each other but havent even stopped to consider your guys’ feelings’ blah blah blah i told him it wasnt cool and wanted him to stop, so i did and i told him i forgave him but he just kept on slowly turning the table around where i felt he was trying to use the situation to get me to stop being friends with him (which he’s tried to do @ our friend group in the past bc , again, he has crap mental health), like he was trying to make this moment where he hurt me with his actions into a ‘woe is me, im a dick, im so horrible’ blah blah blah
like im the kind of person who knows when a situation is awkward or stressful to go through so i defintiely dont want to drag something like this out more than it has to be, so i’d rather it be ‘hey you did something that wasnt cool, please dont do it again’ ‘ok im so sorry i wont do it again’ ‘ok i forgive you’ and then bam! done! 
but this? dude? wtf? like, im not the only one who’s like, wow ok? right?? 
so then today i find a self-love post about not self-deprecating and that having practice in having nice thoughts instead of self-deprecating ones is not impossible, and i shared it to the server and he and another different friend were like ‘couldnt be me’ and im like did yuo not jsut freakinf read the post like
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the post right?
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its every time i mention me struggling with something and wanting to help him realize that he’s not the only one who goes through what he goes through, like in a supportive kind of way right? like im trying to connect to him and guide him to understand that he can help himself in that sort of way even if it’s to help someone else, right? but every time i mention it (me struggling w something that he’s struggling with), he goes radio silent and almost ignores me 
just like when i told him in dms, like you cant be using this moment where you hurt me to turn it around so that i can hurt you or make this about you when its not. 
it makes me feel like he thinks he’s the only one who has the right to complain about his life, his mental health, like he’s the only one who can truly be depressed and its. it drives me up the wall. i’m not like, crazy right??? like its not just me??
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chikotos · 7 years
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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep
its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 
I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,
its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time
and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So
and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 
and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him
when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack
and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird
n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that
i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk
and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!
and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 
all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right
idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary
sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 
time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind
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