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#im already so pissed that i have to wait for the deadline like a fucking local
weixuldo · 10 months
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Enigma// ch 13
anakin x reader
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a/n: sorry for the wait!!! i started a summer job and i’ve been hellllllaaaa busy lol- dw tho, im still writing!!
You have a relaxing dinner with Ahsoka until the end of the year approaches
warnings: cursing, cannon disabled character, insecurity, mention of periods, possible pregnancy mention,
_______________________________
More time passed and you prepped for finals; luckily this year you were able to exempt most of your sit in exams and instead only had one big project and a 20 page thesis due. 
You had been feeling nauseous for the past few days but the 20 page paper’s deadline was looming over you, so it was probably the stress from that. You also hadn’t had much time to eat, so you could also just be hungry. 
You ignored the feeling and went back to typing.
The paper was almost done, only two more pages then you were free for the weekend.. Just two more.
Ring Ring
Ahsoka was calling, you finished the sentence you were on before picking up the phone.
“Hey”
Hey hey! Are you busy tonight?
“I should be free after one more page of this thing”
Damn! Congrats! You've been at that shit since mid terms! I think that deserves celebration!
You laughed, hopefully she wasn’t proposing a party because you weren't quite feeling up to that.
“What do you have in mind?”
I dunno… wanna  just grab take out and eat it by the koi pond? I kinda just want a chill night before I have to start practice for nationals. 
“That sounds wonderful”
Cool! I'll see you at 6:30?
“Sounds good to me!”
Oki bye bye!
The end of the line clicked as she hung up and a small smile settled onto your face; even though you hadn’t known Ahsoka that long, the two of you just clicked and were almost always on the same wavelength.
Some of you wanted to tell her about Anakin, but you just felt like at this point it would add drama to the already stressful end of the year. 
You were seen as the baby of the friend group, so you wouldn’t know how they would feel if you and Anakin officially confirmed the relationship…Also Ahsoka could be a little dramatic at times and you were afraid she would become too involved and make jokes or treat you and Ani differently.
And you had known Anakin long enough to know that those small changes would piss him off and he might accidentally take it out on the relationship.
You got back to your computer when you got a really bad cramp in your abdomen. 
Oh fuck, you hadn’t gotten your period on its normal week so apparently its deciding to come now…great, something else to add to your delightful week.
You finally finished your paper and let out a long groan as you stretched your back. You grabbed your keys and headed down to meet Ahsoka outside the dorms. Once the two of you met up and got your food, you walked to the koi pond on the northern side of campus. 
The sun was setting and the sky was a mixture of beautiful oranges and pinks; you took a seat on the iron bench that overlooked the gardens surrounding the koi pond. 
“This is so nice, I needed to chill,” Ahsoka said, breaking apart the cheap wooden chopsticks that came with her bento box. 
“Yea, I feel ya” you said opening the box of lo mein you ordered. 
“Ya know, I cant believe i’m gonna be graduating in just a few weeks… Like what the actual fuck, I swear I was just a freshman like two weeks ago” Ahsoka baffled as she watched the fish swim laps around the pond. 
“Oh yea, I wanted to get a brunch with all of us next sunday before I have to go to nationals, would you be able to come?” she added.
“Yes! I’d love to” you responded, before remembering that would be one of the last times you would see her before her graduation. 
“I’m going to miss you so much Ahsoka” you said sadly, “Will you keep in touch?”
“Does a fish need water? Of course y/n!” she smiled; “you’re my best girl friend; sure sky guy and Ben are nice, but they're not another girl. And I like Satine alot, but she's older and in a totally different place in life than us, ya know?” 
“Yea, I’m glad we met too” you smiled. 
You conversed over random topics and future plans-
“Do you think you’ll party a lot next year?” she asked you
“Hmm, I don’t think so” 
“Why not? Don’t you wanna find a partner or atleast a hook-up?” She asked, biting down on her last California roll.
“I’m actually pretty content, I think most of my party phase was exhausted freshman and sophomore year” 
“Yea, I get it, I really only kept going out cause the team likes to go to the big parties. Kinda changing topics though, are you interested in anyone this year?”
You froze for a split second before bringing the noodles to your mouth, “Not really, I mean I’ve been seeing this guy off campus, but I wanna keep it on the dl and so does he” you responded (you didn’t have the heart to completely lie to her).
“Ooo, is he cute? How old is he? What's his name? Does he have socials? I gotta make sure he’s good enough for my girl”
“Hah, that's a lot. Umm, I think he's cute, he doesn’t use social media much, and he’s just a bit older” (yeah right, more like twice your age).
“Ok….what's his name?” she asked again, a devious grin on her face.
You smiled and looked away, “Ahsoka, I love you, but I can't tell you, I promised him we’d keep it under wraps… He’s a very private person” 
“Do I know him?” she definitely was gonna guess it if she kept at the questions.
You took all the power you could to construct a final lie, “no, I met him on a dating app”.
“Oh, never mind I guess, I’m happy for you!”
Phew.
You were not practiced in lying.
“Thanks, I really like him… I think I may be in love…I’ve never felt this way before” you smiled. 
“That’s amazing, y/n. Will I meet him some day?”
“Of course” 
The rest of dinner was pleasant, until your stomach started hurting again.
“What’s wrong?” 
“Nothing, I think I'm just gonna get my period soon” you said.
“Wait, shouldn’t you have gotten it like two weeks ago?”
Huh?
“Yea, remember, we’re kind of synced, You’ve been starting yours half way through my cycle since like September”
“Oh, I think it's just late from the stress”
“Hopefully so” she laughed, “Wouldn’t want that mystery man to have knocked you up”. 
She was joking, but something in you became worried… it had been a long time since your last period… and you and Anakin had been pretty busy…but wait
Anakin couldn’t have kids. 
The doctors said so.
But what if…
You shook the thoughts from your head and asked Ahsoka if she would come with you to the drug store to pick up some tums for the stomach ache.
She went off to go look at the shampoo because she needed some more and you sneaked off to grab a pregnancy test.
While you were in line you decided to update your boyfriend on the night’s conversation
“Hey babe, just fyi Ahsoka was asking about who i was seeing so i lied and said a guy from tinder, just wanted to lyk”
In no time your phone buzzed
Alright, thanks for covering, have a good night princess.
“Goodnight my love”
___________________________________
The week went by and you only had the project to finish. Most of your academic stress was subsided, but your personal stress grew by the day.
You hadn't opened the pregnancy test you got last week… you couldn’t bring yourself to.
or
Maybe it was because you hadn't had time…
oh who were you kidding? 
You were scared. 
But if you were pregnant, you should probably find out soon. Right?
Right.
You went into the bathroom and locked the door.
This was it.
The moment of truth.
***
a/n: so this ch was more of a filler to get to the next few chapters…. the plot is thickening and i hope your interest stays!! ty again for reading :)
taglist: : @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana
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werewolf-femboy-maid · 3 months
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"Manages multiple projects simultaneously while working on tight deadlines."
call me insane but I think this is another example of ableism esp. with neurodivergence. like bitch I can't even remember to drink water until I've almost passed out and I have to be under pressure???
ok and also this looks like an example of how todays companies are assigning more work to less workers. like maybe if y'all weren't so fucking greedy, multitasking wouldn't be as prominent. like what. I had to do 3 peoples jobs at my fuckng thrift store. like what is this.
like ive already accepted the world is a cruel place and I need to not give up if there is hope for anything good ever again. and I did learn a lot about myself and how to handle it when things are too ouchies in my brain.
so idk I guess im just pissed that working yourself to complete exhaustion just so you can hope to live in a place is just annoying to me.
regenerative farming is how we will stop this madness. no more grind. except grind weed on farm after waking up at 5 am and getting all the chores for the day done by noon. or something. (this is after a system is kinda figured out, which will take loooooots of work, but hey better than feeding a fugly ceo
I also really hate the idea of professionalism more and more. like what sick fuck thought it would be a great idea to turn the workplace, where you get money to literally survive, into a place where no one feels like they can be themselves and those that are too naive just get taken advantage over... maybe im just projecting now....
I have the sad. I was so angry today and I made it without prolonging the argument to over 2 hours :") I slipped up but at least I learned something.
man ok im good again. basically im gonna see the migration duck movie it looks so good I was waiting for it all last year
man I know professionalism sucks. a lot of things suck. but if anyone is struggling with negativity like I am, I will tell you that you deserve to take time out of your day to go cry if you need to. your eyes need to pee just the same as your bladder do.
idk who reading this but you got it man, you got it going. much love <3
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vincess-princess · 1 year
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in darkness shall you be reborn
Chapter 10
Word count: 3763 Warnings: violence A/N: im sorry this took me so long, life got in the way. i started taking meds for my depression and got into a new relationship, and also my thesis deadline is looming... also i had to practically rewrite this one from scratch too. idk when i'll be able to update, i have exams in a month, but i'll do my best <3
When they walked out of the bathhouse and into the pub next door, night had already descended upon the town, the full moon high up in the cloudless sky bathing dirty alleyways and shabby houses in silvery light. There they found Holmes and good two-thirds of the Shout crew, who rather predictably deemed the establishment a worthy investment of their scarce time off. Holmes seemed to be familiar with many of them, shaking their hands and conversing in that hardly legible pirate jargon Vince still struggled to understand. If it wasn’t for his suit, he’d fit right in.
“Ay, you came!” He noticed Nikki and Vince at the door and beckoned them to the table he was occupying.
“I fucking wish,” Nikki grumbled, maneuvering between the chairs. The Shout crew was far from the only clients of the pub tonight, and it was messy, busy and loud. The room was soaked through with smells of smoke, cheap beer and onions, and the walls practically rattled with every roar of laughter or cry of indignation drunk sailors emitted, which they did plenty.
Holmes must have fought a hard battle to keep the chairs at his table in their places, as the sailors at the tables nearby, many of them on shaky stools, frequently shot him resentful glances. When Nikki and Vince sat down, these glances redirected their ire at them – the bastards coming in so late yet getting the good chairs! – but no verbal complaints were made. The benefit of dining with two pirates armed to the teeth, Vince almost chuckled. Holmes wasn’t a walking armory like Nikki, but didn’t make much effort to hide a pistol on his hip and a dagger on another either.
“Why’s your hair wet? You two had waste poured on you or something?” Holmes squinted when they neared the table. “Wait, no, you’re too clean for that. Was there a sudden rain that I inexplicably missed? Did you go swimming? Or worked up some sweat unloading cargo? No, Sixx, would never carry loads himself when he’s got a slave nearby. Nay, I can’t even imagine what you two were doing. Or maybe I can, but later, when I’m in private.” He flashed them a toothy grin. Vince pretended he hadn’t heard the last part.
“Done jeering?” Nikki scowled, plopping onto the chair. Vince lowered himself carefully onto his, as if it could crumple under him any minute. “We were in the bathhouse across the street.”
“Oh, there were no rooms at the inn?”
“You rascal,” Sixx said sweetly. “We were bathing. A thing you do in bathhouses, among others.”
“Now, that’s the most improbable guess of all I’ve made,” Holmes laughed. “For all I know, you’d rather suffocate on your own stench.”
“Lies and slander,” Nikki huffed indignantly.
“It was my request,” Vince said. He knew he’d have to pay for this later, but just couldn’t help it.
“Ha! I knew it!” Holmes banged his fist on the table. “He ain’t gonna let you fool anyone, right, Sixx?”
“Yeah,” Nikki said with an unnerving smile. Vince only saw a glimpse of his hand in the air when a slap on the cheek burned his skin and sent his head swaying.
“Damn, Sixx,” he heard Holmes sighing, “keep your disciplinary process behind closed doors, won’t you?”
“Won’t work with this one. He’ll behave only if he knows he can get his ass kicked whenever and wherever.”
“From my experience, all stick and no carrot never made any slave more docile.”
“Well, then your experience is clearly limited. Now, I thought I came here to get pissed, not lectured.”
“Very well.” Holmes leaned onto the back of his chair. “Hope you’re right about this. Hey, waitress! Over here! Whatcha gonna have?”
“They got any wine?” Nikki picked up a crust of bread from a plate at the center of the table and carefully bit it. He could as well gnaw on the table itself, Vince understood from his expression.
“Wine? For you?” Holmes raised an eyebrow, but Nikki’s face remained serious, so he chose not to continue with a joke he clearly had in mind. “Sometimes, when there are shipments. You can never count on it, though. A Dutch ship docked here a couple weeks ago, so I reckon they still may’ve got some left.”
“I shall have some then. Sure hope it’s not that sparkling shit the French keep pushing. I don’t want any air in my wine.” Nikki dropped the crust back onto the plate with disgust on his face. Vince last ate in the morning, and with every passing minute the crust looked more and more alluring. He hadn’t fallen so low, though – for now.
“You’re being unfair to the French.” Holmes laughed. “They hate it as much as you do. It’s the English who you should berate. You an Englishman, Vinnie?” He suddenly turned to Vince.
“I-“ Vince began, but Nikki didn’t let him finish.
“That don’t matter, Chris. He ain’t got no home anymore besides the Shout.” Nikki appeared nonchalant, but Vince could see his body tense up like a taut string.
Holmes, smiling placidly, didn’t seem to notice anything. “That’s what I tell all my slaves too. The past is in the past. It’s the present you should think about. Ya hear me, Vinnie?”
Vince didn’t reply, his throat tightening.
“You should do that too. It’ll make life easier for both you and your master. Oh, at last! It’s only been a whole day!” He lashed at the waitress that shuffled to their table, a thin, tired woman, the silver in whose hair didn’t match the still youthful face. She withstood the attack with indifference of a rock, making Vince a little bit envious of her thick skin. That’s probably what spending one’s days and nights surrounded by crude, vulgar men could do to anyone, more so to a woman.
Nikki ordered his wine, and Holmes brandy. Vince watched them detachedly, nursing his burning cheek. He had already realised that the combination of the collar and ragged clothes on him were the reason people here pointedly ignored him, addressing only Nikki, so Vince didn’t expect the waitress to turn to him after she took the orders. She did, though.
“And you? The blond fella? Whatcha gonna have?”
It took Vince a couple of seconds to understand that she was talking to him. She was probably just too tired to figure it out, much less to notice what her question did to Vince, but if he had any money, he would tip her twice her wage.
He looked questioningly at Nikki, who after a short hesitation nodded. Vince didn’t expect this part to be over so fast, moreso with such an outcome, which was why the next one - choosing the drink – took him an embarrassingly long amount of time. One part of him wanted to get so drunk that he would pass out and lie uncaring and senseless through whatever debt Nikki would want him to return. Another still buzzed annoyingly in the back of his mind, if you want to escape you need your mind unclouded by spirits. Wouldn’t Nikki get suspicious if he refused to drink, though? Maybe he could pour the drink out while no one was looking?
“Rum,” he finally said when the pause stretched for too long. He’d never tried it, might as well get a taste of this lowly drunkard experience. He was living on a lowly drunkard ship now, after all.
“Oh, he’s really in it now!” Chris laughed, and his laughter spread like contagion to the Shout crew, shaking the walls of the small pub. Other clients didn’t seem to like that much, frowning and murmuring disapprovingly, but didn’t yet dare to protest out loud. “A bottle of rum and a mug for the pretty boy!”
“I don’t need a whole bottle-“ Vince protested, but nobody listened to him anymore – nobody except Nikki, whose sharp gaze almost clawed into him when their eyes met. Damn, he was certainly suspecting something. Now, if Vince didn’t drink the whole bottle, he’d grow wary.
The tired waitress brought them their drinks, flung the mugs and the shots on the table so forcefully Nikki’s wine and Holmes’ brandy splashed over the rim of their mugs, slapped Chris’s hand off her butt and left. The bottle in front of Vince was made of dark, foggy glass, the darker liquid inside it barely visible. The bottle was smaller than he feared, though. He always handled alcohol pretty well, and the dark glass obscured the amount of liquid inside, possible to determine only by putting it against a light. Maybe he could still pull it off?
“Well, for the meeting!” Chris toasted, clinking his mug against Nikki’s. Then both looked at Vince expectingly. Vince hurried to pour some rum into his mug (only hoping its taste would mask whatever was in there before) and clinked it against theirs awkwardly, acutely sensing that they only permitted him to do so as long as this fickle illusion of their equality amused them. Then Holmes sucked in nearly half of his brandy at once, and Nikki took a few gulps of his wine – such a sophisticated drink wasted in such an inelegant manner, Vince shuddered. Not wanting to attract even more of captain’s suspicion, he followed suit and took a big sip of his rum.
Oh, that was a mistake. The liquid, somehow both sickly sweet and bitter, burned its way down his mouth and throat, making him grimace and cough. The room again roared with laughter.
“Our princess isn’t used to strong spirits!” someone shouted. Vince’s cheeks began to burn. God, why was he always so easy to turn red?
Embarrassment and alcohol got to his head then, he later figured, shame and anger muddling his rationality. For a moment, the hurt and humiliation of the insults overpowered his desire for freedom, and he upended the mug into his mouth and swallowed the rum in two forceful gulps.
His mouth burned, but there was no water in sight to wash down the disgusting taste. As the rum dissolved the remains of Vince’s dignity, the lonely crust of bread finally served its purpose, like an old, wrinkly hooker finding a client desperate enough. It tasted just as stale as it looked.
“Wow, look at that,” Nikki grinned. “How ya feeling?”
“Very well,” Vince exhaled, trying not to break a tooth on the crust. “Don’t feel anything.”
“For now,” Nikki nodded condescendingly. “Just you try to go take a piss.”
“And what’s gonna ha- oh, shit.” Vince clutched the table to stay up after he so recklessly sprang onto his feet. His mind was still clear, but his legs liberated themselves from his tyranny and now were doing their own thing, which didn’t coincide with Vince’s intentions. “It all went into my legs.”
“First time’s always like this.”
“I have drunk before.”
“Well, that’s no wine or sherry or whatever you used to drink in your villa. Its purpose is to knock you off your feet as quick as possible. Because you don’t wanna drink more of this shit than necessary.”
“It does taste like shit,” Vince nodded, his mouth still burning, and dropped back onto the chair. Time seemed to slip between his fingers, and he could only watch it run out. Maybe the spirit would clear out just as fast as it hit?
“More?” Chris pointed at the bottle, still perceptibly half-full. “Or maybe you’d like something lighter, like we unassuming folk here?”
“I’ll pass, thanks.”
“Being the most sober person in the room is no fun, you know.”
“I’ll manage.”
“He’s a delight to have in the crew, I see.” Chris told Nikki, smiling sarcastically.
“Absolutely. You haven’t heard his best yet – not in his element today, it seems. He’s usually much bolder. I would have taught him how to talk to his seniors if I didn’t enjoy it so much. He’s like a small dog barking at dogs ten times its size.”
“Small dogs also bite.”
“Yeah, he tried.” Nikki rolled up his sleeve and showed Holmes the cut Vince dealt him in the first fight. It had already closed, though the edges were still red and inflamed. Hoping that Nikki would die of infection was too unrealistic even for Vince, though. “I was impressed, really – that was a close hit, almost cut open my axillary. Too bad it got me angry.”
Rage sparked inside Vince’s chest. They talked about him like he wasn’t there – no, worse, like he was an animal or an object, and to them, he probably was. He wanted to bang on the table and scream, I’m still here, bastards, but they would laugh at him at best and grow angry at worst.
“I won’t listen to this anymore,” he said through gritted teeth and rose from the table. Not quickly enough, unfortunately - Nikki caught him by the sleeve and pulled him back onto the chair.
“Nobody’s asking your opinion, slave,” he grinned unpleasantly. “You stay here as long as I do.”
Vince bit his lip, a bitter retort lingering on his tongue. His snarky comebacks were the only revenge he still could enact, but if Nikki enjoyed them, he wouldn’t give him that pleasure. The problem was, his tongue was often quicker than his thought.
Nikki and Holmes, meanwhile, had finished their drinks and craved more.
“Hey! Waitress!” Nikki waved his hand in the air, but the waitress, who shortly before went into the back room, didn’t answer his call. “Where’s this bitch? Were she my employee, I’d already had her flogged. Vinnie, go fetch her.”
“You sure would,” Vince murmured under his breath.
“What did you just say?” Nikki inquired sharply.
“I said,” Vince raised his voice, rum stirring boldness inside him he’s been suppressing the whole day, “my legs won’t let me, remember?
“That’s definitely not what you said.”
“Maybe you misheard.” Vince smiled into Nikki’s frowning face. Holmes stifled a laugh.
Nikki narrowed his eyes, eyeing Vince for a while, counting pros and cons of lashing out. The cons seemed to have won, because he exhaled and leaned back onto his chair.
“Maybe I did,” he said with a one-sided smile. “Anyway, you heard me. Go fetch the waitress. And don’t you veer off somewhere I can’t see you.”
“If I fall down halfway, I deflect all the blame,” Vince dropped, rising from his chair. He didn’t catch Nikki’s reply – maybe he didn’t reply at all. This would have alarmed him were it not for the rum.
Vince staggered between the tables, leaning on chairs and sometimes on someone’s shoulders, eliciting angry cries from their owners, though the offence wasn’t considered serious enough to warrant use of force. He peered into the back room and found the waitress there, leaning onto the counter, staring at the wall with empty eyes. For some reason, a shiver went down his spine.
“Excuse me, miss,” he said into her back, “my… companions there would like a refill.”
She turned to him quickly, startled, and eyed him warily from head to toes. Then recognition appeared in her eyes.
“Of course,” she said, making an effort to smile. “What did they have?”
“Brandy and wine.”
“Very well. And you?”
“Nothing, thanks.”
“All right. Tell your companions I’ll be back in a moment.”
She disappeared behind a small door in the other corner of the room, probably leading to the cellar. Vince backed away a bit – look at me, Nikki, I’m behaving, I’m keeping in your sight – and leaned onto the counter. Being away from crude jokes and sleazy glances of the pirates felt nice-
A slap so strong landed on his ass that it rang throughout the entire pub. God, why couldn’t Nikki leave him alone just for a second…
“What’s a pretty lass like you doing in the place like this?“ leered some sailor, long-bearded, bald and reeking of cheap beer. When Vince turned to him, sporting his two-day stubble, his mouth fell open.
“You’re- you’re-“ the man didn’t get to finish, because Vince punched him right in the face. It was a vile thing to do – the fella just made a mistake, after all – but Vince was so wrought up from the constant mocking and taunting that this was the last straw.
Rum led his fist astray, the punch landing on the cheekbone instead of swiftly breaking the nose like it did in his good days. The sailor wavered on wobbly legs but kept his balance. His face flushed red with anger.
“You fucker!” he grunted, throwing a punch at Vince. Vince leapt back to dodge the hit, but his legs betrayed him at the worst moment possible – he’ll never drink this foul substance again, god damn it -  and he had to clutch onto the counter to stay upright. The man used this moment of weakness to grab him by the collar of his shirt. The sound of fabric tearing reached Vince’s ears, although the collar held on so far. Mick would hardly lend him another shirt, a thought flashed through his mind.
Vince pulled the sailor’s beard as hard as he could. The man yelped in pain and planted a punch under his eye. Vince couldn’t dodge, his collar in an iron-like grip, and white exploded in front of his left eye, pain shooting through his skull. His head fell back, and the guy kicked him in the stomach, pushing the air out of his lungs.
His grip suddenly weakened, then released Vince entirely. He staggered back and would have fallen down if not for someone’s arms propping him up in the back. A mop of black hair flashed past his seeing eye, and then he heard the sailor’s nose crack.
“Hey, you all right?” he heard a familiar voice. It took him a few seconds to recognize that it was Holmes holding him by the shoulders. He didn’t answer - he was listening to the sailor’s pained cries as Nikki rammed his fists into his face until he was gurgling on his blood and spitting out his teeth. And when Nikki let go of the guy, letting him slide down the counter lifelessly onto the floor, and turned to Vince and Chris, his face was so distorted by rage Vince shuddered. The next second it smoothened out, but the vision stayed in front of Vince’s eyes for the rest of the night.
He grinned – no, bared his teeth, so much like a panther Vince almost expected him to growl – and, not sparing Vince another look, headed back to their table. From there they then heard a cry of a poor bastard that wanted to steal their chairs. The crew cheered and raised their mugs for a toast.
The bald sailor lay on the floor bloodied and beaten, his face a single enormous bruise, his chest rising and falling heavily. The bartender looked him over with a frown, then called his errand boys (probably his sons – same heavy jaw, same droopy eyes) and they promptly grabbed a leg each and dragged the sailor out.
On wobbly legs Vince returned to their table and sank onto the chair, avoiding looking at Nikki. The captain sat there sipping wine – the waitress must have brought it during the fight - with an indifferent expression, but Vince could see he was pleased as a cat that snatched a fish off a table.
“He almost knocked you out,” he taunted. “D’ya ever think before fighting a fella twice your weight?”
“I could handle him just fine,” Vince murmured and pressed the cold rum bottle to his throbbing eye. The pain lessened somewhat. “You didn’t even give me a chance.”
“Because he would have kicked your ass,” Nikki dismissed him confidently. “And I ain’t gonna drag your body to the ship on my back. I saved your ass, and this is what I get! And then you act all offended that I’m so harsh with you. Your manners leave a lot to be desired.”
“Vinnie, it’s clear he’s expecting a thank you kiss,” Holmes laughed. “Or maybe something more upon your return. Look at that face - not a single pristine thought behind these eyes.”
Nikki snickered shamelessly. Vince felt sick to the stomach.
“I have to visit the latrine,” he murmured, dropped the bottle onto the table, got up and stumbled to the door, holding onto the tables on his way. His mind was crystal clear, but his body was still under the influence of the spirit, although less so after the beating- fight, he meant fight. He expected Nikki to follow him, but he only followed him with his eyes – Vince could feel it burn holes in his back.
There was a barrel with water outside, next to the door. Vince drank from it hungrily, then washed his face. The water dripping back into the barrel was pink. Vince carefully examined the damage with the tips of his fingers. His nose wasn’t broken, and his eye could still see, although it was hard to open because the skin around it began to swell. There’ll be an ugly bruise for a while, but no permanent damage, hopefully.
He looked around, but people in this part of the street were few and far between – everybody who wanted to go to the pub already got there. The latrine – a wooden outhouse with a smell so malodorous Vince had to convince himself to breathe around it – looked exceptionally uninviting. Vince decided he would rather take a leak onto the bar wall in front of the whole street, which he promptly did. Judging by the typical stains on the walls, he was far from being the only one to resolve so. Unexpectedly, he remembered his governess, a woman of great knowledge and manners and little to no sense of humor. She probably would faint were she to see him right now: dressed in a torn shirt with bloodstains on it and dirty breeches, barefoot and collared, hair loose and disheveled, face cut and bruised, pissing on a wall outside a port bar. Here, though, nobody spared him more than a passing glance: he matched the surroundings really well.
And if he just walked away, nobody would spare him a second thought as well.
Vince pulled his breeches up, buttoned them with trembling fingers, washed his hands in the barrel, wiped them on his shirt, looked around sneakily and darted into a dark alley behind the bar.
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I really want to go to art school and I've been toying with the idea just to fill in the gaps - not because I need a degree or the fucking meritocracy badge of approval, but just bc you have access to a lot of people and resources when you're in school, and it was maybe the ONE thing I felt was an advantage when I got my degree. There's also a clear path and structure. Like first we learn this, and here's some deadlines. Then we build on that and learn this, and here's some more deadlines. For some reason I always have trouble following through if I'm trying to just watch an entire several semesters of YouTube lectures. It's hard for me to follow bc there isn't the hands on component and I can't ask questions. And now there are no good places on the internet to ask questions anymore (bc capitalism.....rant for another time). Sure, I could ask someone for info to help me animate better, but for every helpful response, I'm gonna get like 10 death threats and quips about my ignorance. I don't have the energy to sort through that.
So yeah. I'm toying with the idea of going to art school. Because there's a pretty affordable online 2d animation program at a school near me. Idk. Not saying I'm necessarily gonna do it, but I was thinking like, this time maybe I could actually get in instead of everyone either raising their eyebrows or outright laughing at my portfolio like when I applied as a kid (different school though....Cal arts can suck my unwashed ass....oh wait no actually they don't get the honor).
Theres something cathartic about being able to go study the thing I want, but this time I hold all the cards because I have a job and a degree already, and if a professor pisses me off, I can straight up tell them to suck it, get up, leave, and never go back if I don't want. Because I literally don't have to care if i finish as long as I get some extra info out of it. I hold all the cards this time. I can go learn but I can set life balance boundaries, and I can afford to fuck things up this time. I think it would be easy mode compared to when I got a degree and was desperately trying to get through it despite everything, with the pressure of knowing I was basically doomed if I didn't graduate.
I always do better when I know it's safe to fuck up.
the only thing I dread looking at these course requirements?
THE GODDAMN CREATIVE WRITING REQUIREMENT. GODDAMN I AM GOING TO HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. HATE. LOATHING. I AM GOING TO FAIL THE BEJESUS OUT OF THAT CLASS, AND I AM GOING DOWN IN RAINBOW FLAMES, WRITING COLORFUL QUEER TRASH THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN. LIKE YOU CAN MAKE ME WRITE BUT IM GONNA MAKE YOU READ THINGS SO BAD THEY MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED (sometimes unintentionally) god I hate creative writing "BUT EJ YOU WROTE 4 COMIC BOOKS" Yes and all of them were achieved by blacking out and channeling my dark gay emotions in a frenzy and projecting them onto awkward guys idk how the fuck to follow assignments for this shit in high school I couldn't even use an adverb correctly or tell you what the fuck a theme was and I got screamed at constantly for it like I suck ass at writing normally
Me, walking up to admissions with a 20 dollar bill: "hey....what do you say to maybe.....counting the technical writing for engineers course I took 15 years ago towards this requirement"
Admissions: "are you.....are you trying to bribe me with 20 dollars"
Me: "will it work?"
Admissions: "no..."
Me *digging around in my pocket* : "well I've got good news then bc I can also give you" *more digging* "this..." *withdraws paper* ".....crumpled bird sketch...."
Admissions: "shouldn't that have been in your portfolio - OHHHH nevermind you were serious about not drawing animals well...."
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hella1975 · 2 years
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I GOT TICKETS FOR JJK 0!!!! IM GOING WITH MY BROTHER BC I HAVE NO ANIME FRIENDS BUT STILL, IM GOING TO SEE IT!!!
shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut the fuck up i want to be you so bad
#how does it feel. to live MY DREAM#i feel bad you're clearly excited and im just here like >:((((( IM SORRY#im already so pissed that i have to wait for the deadline like a fucking local#like mappa dont you get it im not like other jjk viewers i know this media intimately what do you mean i couldnt watch it on xmas eve#AND NOW I CANT EVEN SEE IT IN CINEMA BC NO ONE I KNOW IRL WATCHES IT#LIKE SOME OF MY HOMETOWN FRIENDS DO BUT THEY ARE CURRENTLY SCATTERED ACROSS THE COUNTRY AT VARIOUS UNIS#actually wait hold on i just had a thought#basically today my friend messaged me bc she found my spotify (pure terror moment i was absolutely bricking it)#((like have you SEEN how sus my spotify is all it would take is 'what's this playlist for?' 'why do you get so many likes?' and im DONE))#and OF ALL THINGS she sent me a pic of my itadori playlist being like 'im gonna need an explanation'#and i was like shit shit shit fuck fuck mayday#but i worked with it super well with a cheeky lil 'lmao yeah most of my playlists are just inside jokes dont ask'#and she was like 'no no it's not that. my friend sent me vol1-6 of jjk' WHAT SORRY FUCKING WHAT???#SHES READ UP TO VOLUME 2 AND SHE JUST??? DIDNT SAY ANYTHING??#like this is how normal i come across to people she actually didnt know i even knew what jjk was until she saw my playlists#like that's how good an actress i am we need to address the manipulate mansplain malewife of it all#SO WHAT IF SHE GOES WITH ME? VOL 0 WONT BE TOO CONFUSING FOR HER RIGHT? IT'S BASICALLY A PREQUEL ANYWAY#OMG OMG BESTIES#okay im going to spoons with her now i might subtly drop it into convo and pretend to be normal about it wish me luck#ask#jjk
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hcrdtimcs · 2 years
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take two: jia (also @seaweedbible) again. disc + ims ok!
finally introducing SEOL YOONA, and yes i want you to read that in love4eva’s grimes’ voice. y3 social work major, 108th avenue’s unofficial landlord, iso’s publicity officer n also member of yongmaru. PHEW. 24 hours in a day n w tht laundry list of commitments? it seems none of them can be spent on herself.
PROFILE / BIOGRAPHY / PINTEREST 
tw / terminal illness, abandonment
raised by a single mom mostly ? wasn’t terrible or anything but just rlly spacey n waned to live her own life separate from the yoons n went out partying / clubbing / dating whatever. when she did remember to get a babysitter for yoona, the job usually fell to her aunt (half older sister 2 her mom)
aunt was a huuuuge role model 4 yoona tbh like ? did what she wanted n worked hard to live the life tht she wanted. was single by choice but also so fuckin happy n thriving n yoona was like. damn i wanna be her so bad 
unfortunately that One good parental figure passed due 2 a terminal illness when yoona was 13. cue the canned awww sound effects on tv.... but tbh her aunt had been sick 4 the longest time n yoona was just glad she didn’t have to go thru tht anymore.
aunt left 108th to her mother, begging for her to get her shit together n for a while it all seemed okay! mom brought yoona along and they both lived in 108th and her mom was the (unreliable) landlord, but it was something yknow ???
could’ve gone 2 a better uni but she didn’t have to pay for lodging at hansung + she had the academic advantage so 😜 good lord that emoji is fucking hideous
unfortunately halfway thru her 1st year her mom disappeared on her... now she’s starting her 3rd year and still hasn’t heard back from her. don’t ask her how she feels about it because she’s still delusional and believes this is just another disappearing act n her mom will be back soon
that was pathetic n sad PHEW anyway ... 
yes she is iso’s publicity officer! she’s not a polyglot by any means but she’s confident, watches international tv shows and has papago so what else do u rlly need right ugly winking emoji
member of yongmaru because she genuinely loves volunteering but also unfortunately ends up doing most of the work others push off on her. its ok tho bc at the end of the day it helps ppl!
her work will always be done. she may finish it 10 mins before the deadline but just let her work... if u push her she WILL not do it just to spite u
108th residents ummmmmmmmm i recommend u guys learn how to change ur lightbulb because the waiting list is LONG. if u don’t mind her coming in at 5am tho then the waiting list is shortened considerably.
she’s just working so hard rn to run away from the life she has 2 the life she wants? but all those commitments n such make her a rly flaky friend... 
i’m not putting any plots under this because this is already so gargantuan n i love brainstorming n also i’m lazy BUT lf:
friends (who are either pissed at or starting to be angry at her for being the way she is), hookups (no relationships she can barely maintain her friendships cat laughing emoji), 108th residents (lets plot it out babey)
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winterromanov · 5 years
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Maybe a college Bucky one where he’s being playing games out of town, and trying to study for exams and he’s just so tired but trying to keep going and reader makes him nap and relax and it’s just very Soft ☺️
pairing: bucky x reader (set in the same universe as this fic)
Trying to play football and also be a competent college student is an Incredibly Difficult Feat. You know this, because watching Bucky vault himself from away games to home games to mid terms to finals is about the most exhausting thing you’ve ever seen. If he’s not studying he’s at practice, and if he’s not playing he’s in an exam. It’s like watching a manic, sleep-deprived whirlwind, living almost entirely off coffee and takeout noodles.
He’s not taking care of himself. He’s pushing and pushing and pushing, trying not to let anybody down--as if he could ever do that.
“You don’t have anything to prove,” you say, as he crashes face-down on the bed in your dorm, the night before he leaves to play a game at Harvard and minutes after his Cold War history deadline. You’ve not seen him eat anything the last twenty-four hours. “Look--you won the last game. Steve said you could sit this one out.”
A vague mumbling comes from your bed. His face is smothered by the pillow and he’s too exhausted to even turn over, so you poke his ass with your foot. His hand reaches out, reflexes still ridiculously quick, pulling you onto the bed with him.
“Sorry, love,” you smirk, curling as close to him as your tiny mattress will allow. His arm pulls you close to his waist, palm splayed across your back. His heartbeat is unrelenting beneath his shirt, thudding between you. “Didn’t quite hear that one.”
His head shifts so you’re basically nose-to-nose, his grin sleepy and delirious. He’s gonna pass out any second. You’ve seen it many, many times before in the last hectic few weeks--you’re probably gonna see it a few more. “I’ll be fine after nap. Promise.”
“Don’t you dare fall asleep before I can force a pizza down you,” you warn, and he laughs, deliberately snuggling into the pillow and letting his eyes flicker closed. You can’t resist--running your hand through his hair, along his face. Kiss his forehead. “Goddamn it, Buck. You’re making it very difficult for me to look after you.”
“You being here is enough,” he says softly and before you have chance to reply he’s gone, lost in some dream. You slowly creep out of his embrace, making the pizza for him anyway. By the time you wake up the next day his body is a phantom shape in your bed but the pizza is gone--he’s left you a bright pink post-it note on the plate. Scribbled in his usual scrawl are the words thank you always favourite girl.
-
we won!!! harvard ain’t better than us at FOOTBALL
wish u could have been there
renaissance lit is being a bitch :(( well done you STAR. miss you more every moment so get back quick
should i hijack the bus and speed down the freeway
if you must
consider it done
love you
love you more than anything
-
The next game is thankfully a home one against Yale so you can at least keep an eye on him--you’re just protective, that’s all, not wanting him to burn out in front of you. There’s a lot of gym sessions and library cramming and a grand total of one dinner date at his apartment, where you made a pasta dish with as many vegetables as you could think of in as possible (his mom had sent you a message afterwards with immense gratitude because her son needed his greens, damn it). The following evening you’d wrapped yourself in one of his jerseys and sat in the bleachers alongside an injured Sam--injured and bitter about it--and waited in the lights and the noise for the game to begin.
“Bucky tells me you’re worried about him,” Sam interjects rather suddenly and when you blink back, he shrugs his non-injured shoulder nonchalantly. “Not that I blame you. That dude just doesn’t let up, does he?”
“You could say that,” you reply, shivering a little. The November air is cold, even wearing Bucky’s sweater. “He keeps telling me the season will be over before long, but I...I don’t want that to be a couple of weeks too much for him, you know?”
Sam hums thoughtfully. Around you, the crowd practically fizzes with excitement, covered with facepaint and aggressively chanting team songs at the opposing side. You’d never been to a college football game before you started dating one of the team’s star players, but you have to admit, the atmosphere is kinda addictive. Watching Bucky play is kinda addictive.
“If I know Bucky, and boy do I know him,” Sam eventually replies, squeezing up closer to you as more people gather into your stand. A girl is openly staring at you both--it doesn’t happen that often, but more so at games. People know Bucky, and Sam, so people know you. “He’ll get through this all okay. He always does, (Y/N). I’d been pretty damn surprised if he doesn’t make captain next year.”
You stare at the bright, clean grass of the field, and think of a boy so fucking exhausted from trying to balance his life that he can barely function half the time. Bucky would be an awesome captain. You just don’t want him to become a dead firework because of it.
-
The game ends up being pretty close but Yale just snatch the victory. It doesn’t mean that they can’t win the season, but. Bucky makes his way over to your stand at the end of the game like he always does, taking off his helmet and mouthguard. He also looks extremely deflated, like he always does when they lose.
“It’s okay,” you say, taking his face in your hands. He looks angry at himself. And you know what he’s thinking. I should have pushed harder. “Shit happens. You were still amazing.”
He kisses you over the barrier in a display of affection you were once too shy to give away in public, but you need him as much as he needs you. When you break apart you plant a chaste, gentle peck on his jawline, running your thumb over the shadow. 
“You two make me sick,” Sam interrupts the moment, arms folded. Bucky flips him off while smiling sweetly and you can’t help but laugh. “Honestly. Didn’t ask to be violated, but here we are.”
“Payback for every single time I’ve walked in on you doing unspeakable things with the girl from the top floor on our kitchen counter.” Bucky snaps back teasingly. You like watching the banter unfold between the two of them. You’d be worried if Bucky and Sam weren’t taking the piss at every given opportunity.
Sam gestures pointedly at his injured right shoulder. “I cannot believe you’d treat a fallen comrade like that. I’m disgusted.”
“And so was I when I saw the state of the kitchen counter.” Bucky gives you one last kiss, clutching your hand. “See you after I hit the showers, yeah?”
“I’ll be waiting.” Your promise him, and his eyes glow just a little brighter.
-
When Bucky facetimes you from Brown the very next week, he looks like he hasn’t slept for at least three days. His Ancient Chinese history exam is literally a day after he arrives back from the trip and he’s frantically cramming in his hotel room in Rhode Island, while also trying not to fuck up the team’s chances of winning the season.
“Just one more game after this,” his grainy voice says on the other end of the video feed, head lolling against the headboard of his Holiday Inn bed. You wish he was in your bed. God, you wish he was in your bed. “And the season is over and I don’t have to be away from you ever again.”
“I don’t think your mom would like it if I stole you away for Thanksgiving.” You joke, tongue poking between your teeth. His lips curve, half a laugh escaping from his chest.
“That’s why she personally invited you to stay with us for the holidays. She’s worried you might sneak in there first and drag me to Virginia. She already knows I’d go wherever you go.”
Your smile is kinda wistful. “Except when you go to Rhode Island.”
“Except when I go to Rhode Island.” He repeats, sighing dramatically. He rubs one of his tired eyes. “Ugh. Who thought coinciding pre-Thanksgiving exams and football season was a good idea, huh?”
“I have no idea, but I’m prepared to have words with them.” You tilt your head. “Don’t work too hard, yeah? It’s one exam. It’ll all be okay in the end.”
“I know, I know.”
You want to keep talking, on and on until the early hours like you do sometimes, because time is apparently not real when you and Bucky are on the phone together. But he needs sleep, and you need sleep, and occasionally you’ll do things for the greater good. “Good luck for tomorrow. Brown won’t know what’s hit ‘em.”
“They better not,” he jokes, “Will you be live-streaming the game?”
As if you wouldn’t. You can’t pretend that you always know what’s going on or any of the rules, but you always try to watch him if you can. He’d do the same for you, over and over and over. “Already got the tab open on my laptop and everything.”
Bucky’s grin is near effervescent, even through your patchy wifi connection. “I love you more than anything, you know that?”
“I may have had an inkling.”
-
hello y/n 
HELLLOOOOO
u know brown are the best losers because they lose and give you TEQUILA
omg are you drunk
never been DRUNK IN MY LIFE!!!! but im at this cool party and stEv e has found a girl and i miss u
i miss u so much . and like i just do generally 
whenever ur not ar oUnd 
oh sweet boy. you are very drunk.
im serious though
sometimes i think about how much i love you and it scares me
because then i th ink what it would be like if you wreent there 
and that makes me so fucking sad i cant breathe
y/n
y/n ???????????????
hellooo 
have u gone to bed
no, just messaging steve to make sure he gets you back safe. im not going anywhere. just please please look after yourself. love you always
-
“I’m sorry about those messages I sent you last night.”
You grab him in the tightest hug possible, his hold all still hanging off his arm, rain spattering down from dark clouds outside his apartment block. You hold him for at least ten years, you reckon, because the thought of him being so fucking sad he can’t breathe makes you so fucking sad you can’t breathe.
“You’re a terrible drunk who says things that make me emotional.” You laugh tearfully into his sweater and he grips you even harder, if possible. The shards of glass jabbed between your ribs start to dissolve as you inhale every single part of him.
“I know, sweetheart,” he murmurs, “I know.”
-
His last game is the day of your renaissance literature exam and for once you’ve been the one not eating and relying on caffeine, anxiety lingering round your jittery bones like an irritating ghost. Your interactions with Bucky are a battle between you wishing him aggressive luck for what could be the winning game while he equally aggressively says your exam will go fine, they always go fine, it’s an easy A for sure. 
Your exam isn’t until the afternoon so you spend the morning pacing about your bedroom looking at a sporadic mess of post-it notes on your wall declaring quotes and context that you hope will just stick in your brain. When Lizzie from down the hall says there’s a package for you you don’t actually think much of it, too busy to deal with something you’ve probably forgotten you ordered from Amazon--but she makes some comment about how fancy it is, wrapped up in striped paper.
Your name is in print across the front so it doesn’t leave a clue on the sender, but as soon as you rip into it and find a bundle of things nestled between tissue paper, you know instantly. It’s kind of embarrassing you didn’t click sooner. 
Dear Y/N - you’ll ace it, favourite gal. 
You try not to break down in sleep-deprived and emotional tears as you pull out a brand new sweater in your favourite shade of burgundy, a vintage copy of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, three different kind of Hershey’s bars and a dumb little teddy bear wearing your college jersey. He’s sent you a fucking care package. He’s away at Princeton, and he’s sent you a care package, because exams drive you crazy and he’s just... Well, he’s Bucky.
-
i got your present
have i ever mentioned that i love you
i may have had an inkling
-
He doesn’t really leave you a choice, does he? Besides, the game is only at Princeton, and if you catch the train the moment you escape the uneasy warmth of a crowded exam hall you should be able to get there in time. 
You’ve never been to Princeton stadium before, but you grab one of the last tickets available and rush onto their crowded bleachers just before the game is about to begin. The lights are heady, the atmosphere is electric, and you’re about to watch the man you lovingly, completely, unrelentingly call your own play the game he loves almost as much as you at a stadium forty miles from home. 
hey steve, you text his closest friend, hoping he’ll see it, get buck to look at the front of the stairs near block d when you come out
y/n if this is what i think it means he’s going to lose his goddamn mind
:)
When the team runs out you notice the number five on his jersey straight away, a constant fleeting image in your head from the countless games you’ve seen him play. Even from a distance, Steve’s eyes catch your own and his arm starts gesturing violently in your direction, Bucky taking a couple of moments to catch on.
It’s a good job the game isn’t due to start for a few more minutes, because absolutely nothing can stop him from automatically sprinting to your side of the field and kissing you senseless, cameras and crowds be damned.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he says on a dizzy outtake of breath.
“Couldn’t miss the last game of the season, could I?” You gently push his chest, urging him to go back to his team. “And neither can you. Go back to them. I’ll be waiting.”
He steals your lips for one more second, giddy and pumped full of adrenaline. “I really lucked out the day I met you, didn’t I?”
His mouth is hot. Hot. Unmistakable. Real. Always, always real. “Not as lucky as me.”
my masterlist
send me a request
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mha-fanfic-writer · 4 years
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I would hug him
Part of the todoroki family
Name: Akari todoroki 
Age:16
Quirk: white flames
Hair color: white with faded red
Eye color: blue
Description of quirk:  you have white flames, you learned how to use it in different ways, You can last about an hour longer than todoroki when he uses his quirk.
Homelife: If someone were to know who had it worse you or shoto, it would be you. Your quirk was white flames. You were hotter than shots but because he had fire an ice he still continued training. But you had it worse since you lasted longer than Touya or shoto when using your quirk. Enji trained you longer than he did shoto. He was harder on you. Yet your mother’s first instinct was to go to him, completely ignoring you when you were on the floor crying. You didn’t know if it was because she knew Touya was going to come and help you or what all you knew was that you felt like she hated you. Also, you and shoto are supposed to be twins but you guys aren’t really, you guys were both born on the same day but that’s about it.
“Touya’s dead” those words from your father echoed through your head. At that moment you felt your whole world come crashing down. You felt your sibling’s eyes on you but you didn’t care. Tears started rolling down your face as you stood there shocked. Had he really just left you alone to deal with this monster you call a father. But why. Your thoughts were interrupted when fiyumi held something up in front of you. “Touya told me to give this to you on your birthday but I think you need it now.” she had tears in her eyes but she still smiled. You took the hoodie from her looking at it. It was a black hoodie with blue strings. The zipper was broken and it had a small tear on the side of it. “But this is Touya’s favorite,” you said as some tears fell onto the hoodie. You looked inside the hoodie and found a paper. You took it out and read it. “Dear Akari, it’s your big bro. I wanted to give you this, you told me you liked it a while ago, its kinda old but I hope you like it. Love you, happy birthday sis. P.S. try getting rid of that biting your lip habit” was what it said. You could feel more tears falling as you read the paper. You put the note in your pocket and put the hoodie on. It was way too big for you. It was kind of bi on him last time you saw it. The hood covered your eyes not letting you see. Natsuo lifted it up revealing your smiling face. Still teary but smiling. Shoto hugged you, you gratefully returned the hug. After that, you never took it off. Only when you were training or needed to wash it. Your 8-year-old self didn’t know how to at the time so fiyumi took care of it.
By the age of 10, you stopped calling your father, father, and called him enji or endeavor. You had so much hatred towards this man, he didn’t even seem like a man to you he seemed like a monster. You were the only one brave enough to actually fight back as your other siblings just watched. You had become cold to your family. You didn’t talk to shoto like you used to, nor fiyumi nor Natsuo, not even your own mother. All you wanted was your big brother. You all used to call him big bro Touya, he was the oldest but he was shorter than fiyumi and Natsuo. Even then he always protected you guys. 
You were 13 when you ran away. You didn’t know why but something was telling you Touya was still alive. You made it your goal to find him. You were going to find him.
By the time you were 14, you were a well-known assassin. You had stopped wanting to be a hero when you were 9 but kept that to yourself. They had announced you dead too after you left. The public knew you as deadline. Your identity was a secret form everybody, the media never got a good picture of you. All they got was a girl with long white hair and that was it. Other than that the pictures were blurry. You had killed a lot of people and you had to admit you felt good. You had two goals now, find your brother, and kill endeavor. 
You were 16 right now. You looked up to stain. Every word he spoke was the truth. This world was filled with fake hero’s. One that just wanted money, fame, glory. It made you sick. You kept tabs on your brother. Apparently he was going to UA now. You were watching the news in your apartment when your phone rang. “Hello this deadline speaking what can I help you with” your voice was calm, almost seductive. “We have a job for you,” the man said. “Go on,” you said. “We need you to try and kill endeavor,” the man said, you could almost hear the smirk in his tone. “Is that so,” you said putting out the cigarette you had. “We offer 1 million if you try and he doesn’t die, we give 2 million if he doses die.” the man said. “No, how about 2 million if he doesn’t die and 4 million if he does” you offered. It was silent on the other side. “Deal, we’ll send one of our guys when the jobs done, we need it done by the end of the month,” he said before hanging up. You put your phone down and smiled to yourself. “I guess I have to speed the process up a bit, oh well works for me,” you said to yourself. “Im coming enji” you sai to yourself. You giggled, that giggle turned into a laugh, then a psychotic laugh. You did your research on his whereabouts. Apparently he had a meeting next week with the top pros. You looked at where it was going to held, then you planned out everything. 
The next week came by fast. You woke up earlier than usual. You noticed that the white dye was starting to wash out a bit showing the faded red at the end. You shrugged it off and figured you would redye it later. “So the meetings at 12:00 pm,” you thought to yourself as you tied your hair up in a ponytail. Your hair was long, it went down to your knees. You put on your black ripped jeans, with a white shirt. You put Touya’s hoodie on. You had fixed the tear it had, you also did something so the hood wouldn’t fall off if thongs got messy and you had to fight. You put on your white mask that had your villain name on the bottom of it. You looked in the mirror at yourself. Your eyes seemed the brightest under the hood. You had to admit you had lost some of your sanity over the years. But you felt happier away from the place you used to call home. You put the two guns on your belt, put the spear point pocket knife next to one of the guns, and put the normal straight with the other. You didn’t like using your quirk to kill, only if you had to. That would just make it easier for them to identify you. You were skilled with a knife and gun, a lot of other weapons to but these were your favorites. The spear pint was dull, you used it when you wanted them to feel more pain. You used the other when you wanted to make it quirk because it was sharp and you struggled less. When you left your place it was 10:00 am. He was walking to the meeting, apparently, he wanted to meet some fans so you figured he would start walking around 11:00 am and you were right. He was by himself. There were no other pros around right now. When he was walking through an alleyway to get away from the cameras you jumped him. You stabbed his right hand and put a white cloth in his mouth muffling the sound. You quickly did the same on the other hand but of course, he was going to put up a fight. You didn’t have to kill him even though you really wanted to. You had stabbed him 3 times and shot him 2 times. He was still standing though. He couldn’t use his flames from his hands if he did that could cause a lot of permanent damage. You used the normal straight and stabbed him in the back. When he fell on his knees you spoke. “How’s it feel getting stabbed in the back by your own child,” you said with an evil smirk. His eyes widened. He tried speaking but he was to fucked up and muffled. You laughed in front of him before he knocked out. Or died you would find out later. “It feels so good to finally do that after all these years,” you said with a relieved sigh. You heard clapping behind you. You turned around to see the number 3 hero hawks standing there. He got to endeavor and tried to stop the bleeding. “Pathetic,” you said. He sent one of his feathers to get you but you disappeared in the swirl of white fire. He waited for the others to arrive so he could look for you but he never found you. When you returned t your place you were pretty fucked up yourself. Your mask had his blood splattered on it, along with your shirt, the hoodie you could barely tell. You took off your clothes and but them in the washer. You lied down in your bra and jeans watching the news. “Pro hero endeavor stabbed and shot in an alleyway on his way to a meeting. The pro heroes claim it was the assassin villain known as deadline.” the lady continued on. You scoffed. You wrapped your head and your arms in bandages. “Stupid bird” you muttered to yourself. You had gotten into problems with him before, barely escaping. He never really saw you. He had no idea what you looked like all he knew was that you were too fucking good at your job. You were the only villain that ever got away from him.
Dabi’s POV
When I first heard my sister was dead already knew it wasn’t true. They said the same thing for me yet im still here. It wasn’t that hard to figure out deadline was her either. What amazed me but also pissed me off was the fact that she got to endeavor first. But she does have her reasons. I’ve ran into her a few times but she didn’t recognize me at all. Then again that is the point. When shigaraki told me to try and recruit her I felt pity for her. If she did join she would probably die the first week. But that handjob is my boss right now so I dont really have a choice.
Your POV
All I wanted was ramen, not to try and be recruited by the league of villains. Yes, they were a good group but why now. I’m still beaten up and my fucking ankle hurts. Why am I going with this guy. “So tell me again why your boos wanted me to join,” I asked him, He didn’t really give me detail on why before. “I dont know, what I do know is that a small fire like you is gonna get themselves killed within a week” he smirked. “Wow, clearly you dont know me,” I said giving him one of my own. 
Authors POV
Dabi actually thought he did, but you had changed from that cute innocent girl from childhood. He just didn’t see it. When he saw you still had the hoodie he gave you he couldn’t help but smile a bit. You were the one person he could never hurt. Villian or not he would never. He had made you that promise back when you were 6. He might have broken a lot of promises but ht one was the only one he count break. “Zip it up,” he said when he noticed you just had your bra on with the hoodie and jeans. “Cant the zippers broken, and even then it’s fucking hot” you wined as you looked up at the sun. Maybe it was just his big brother instincts telling him to say that. “Well, just a warning, we have a crazy girl named toga. She’s a complete psychopath. Our leader is to,” he said trying to remember everybody he could. “Then there twice, he’s pretty chill, there’s this other guy, calls himself spinner. He licked collecting knives and shit” he said bluntly. You just nodded. “What about you what’s your name,” you asked. “Just call me dabi, what’s your name,” he asked. “Just call me deadline,” you said. “So are you dead,” he asked. You knew exactly what he meant by are you dead. “She’s gone, that innocent girl is gone,” you said with a small smile on your face. “So am I,” he said looking down at you. “Damn it you fucking tree, you’re too tall” you wined. “Nah your just to short,” he said patting you on the head. You were probably about 5’2 or 5’1. You forgot all you knew was that this man was too tall for you. He seemed oddly familiar, yes you had met him but you never really met him. 
When you guys got to the base you were greeted by a black fog guy. “I see you got her here” he seemed like a gentleman. “Oh yeah that’s kurogiri,” dabi said. “Forgot about him,” he said as he walked to where the other girl was sitting. “So your the one who almost killed endeavor,” a guy with a hand on his face said as he scratched his neck. God, he was disgusting. “Yeah” was all you said. “Zip up your hood,” he said looking away from you. “Oh my god, the zippers fucking broken I can’t” you wined. “Dabi where did you find her,” he asked. “She was on her way to the ramen shop nearby,” he said. Shigaraki sighed. “How old are you,” he asked. “16,” you said bluntly. The girl jumped up. “Yay, im not the only girl here anymore, and shes around my age,” she said excitedly. “Oh great, another minor” shigaraki said. You ignored him. “How old are you toga,” you asked. “17,” she said happily. “Good to know,” you said with a smile. “So tell us about yourself,” spinner said as he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed.  “If you’re trying to look edgy, stop,” you said bluntly. Some of the others just laughed. “Im being serious,” he said. Toga dragged you over to sit with her. “What do you wanna know,” you asked. “What’s your past” toa asked. “Uh, abusive dad. He wanted power more than anything. He had a lot of children just so they could be what he wanted.” you leaned back. “Me and my other brother were twins, both the youngest. I wasn’t close to him though. I was closer to my two older brothers than my twin or my sister. Especially my older brother. He protected me a lot, my mother kina just ignored me. He was there up until I was 8. He “Died,” you said rolling your eyes.  “My father didn’t care, he continued training me till I felt like I was going to die. All my brother left was this hoodie. And a note” you said pulling out a piece of paper from the pocket. Dabi couldn’t blive you still had it. “Can we read it?” toga asked. “Sure,” you said handing it to her. She and dabi read it. “Aw, that’s nice,” toga said. “What did you scribble out,” dabi asked. “My name,” you said. “I’ll tell you guys it when I feel I can trust you, but only my first name. Anyways. After he left the torture never ended. I burned myself a lot.” you said lifting up your sleeve to your shoulder. There was a huge burn mark. “My father did this to me after he died, saying it was my fault,” you said as you put it down. “That son of a bitch told her it was her fault,” dabi thought to himself. “He didn’t want to accept the fact that it was his so he pinned it on me. I believed it for the longest time. When I was 9 I stopped wanting to be a hero. When I was 13 I ran away from that place. Leaving everybody behind. Not that I really cared, I know my brothers still alive. Im not that stupid.” you said shooting a glare at dabi. “I mean I’ve met him before, didn’t recognize him the first couple of times but the most recent one I knew it was him,” you said looking away as a smile appeared on your face. You really did figure it out, he wasn’t really surprised though. “What would you do if you saw him again” twice asked. You thought for a second. “First I would punch him for leaving me alone like that, them I would hug him, then punch him again for not taking me with him,” you said. The others just laughed. “Oh really,” dabi said with a smirk. You both got up. “Uh-huh,” you said as a shit-eating grin was plastered no your face. Everybody else was confused. Dabi was fine if they knew you guys were siblings as long as they didn’t know who your family was. Or your names. You both stepped closer to each other. “Do it then?” he said in a challenging voice. He thought your punch wasn’t going to be as strong as it was. When you punched him he doubled over and spit out some blood. “Woops to hard,” you said rubbing the back of your neck. “Wheres my fucking hug,” he said standing up straight. You wrapped your arms around him and he did the same. The league had no words. “Oh my god, this cute” toga said. You both pulled away and turned to her. You just smiled as you punched him again a little less hard though.
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xsixxx · 5 years
Text
Bad Influence - Chapter 10
Word Count - 5.5K
Authors Note - It's what ya'll have been waiting 10 chapters for, fingers crossed it doesn't disappoint 😂
Warnings - Filthy dirty sleazy smutty smut, language as always, angst, Nikki not giving a fuck about anyone but Nikki
Tags - Tags: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples @queen-crue @scarecrowmax @lovesick-heart0 @littlesunnymoon @80sheart-strings @cranberribread @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @versnatasha @zoenicoles @crazysaladchopshop @ggorehorror @lunamadhatter99 @justtryingtoovercome @chaoticvybe @you-know-im-a-dreamer @eightiesrockbaby @valentines-in-london @xrosegoldwolfx @fupatroopaa @lilypetite88 @this-blog-must-be-the-place @ashleecrue @lauravic @dark-princess99 @unknownoblivion @mgkobsessed @antheasnow
(Nikki attitude this whole goddamn chapter)
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"Beth, you can't hide in your bed any longer, get up." Came Sophias stern voice as she tore the covers off of me. I groaned out loud, grabbing ahold of them, pulling them back over me, tucking it right under my chin for extra comfort.
"Leave me alone Soph, I'm sick." I mumbled pathetically.
"Girl, you can pull that shit with Paul to get outta work but I'm not buying it. You're fine, you're just feeling sorry for yourself & you need to get over it." Sophia snapped, always one for the gentle approach. She sighed as she sat down on the edge of my bed. "You can't avoid Nikki forever."
"Why would I be avoiding Nikki, I haven't done anything wrong?" I muttered, fidgiting a little & purposely avoiding eye contact.
"No, exactly, you haven't, so why are you pulling a sicky?!"
"I'm not!" I replied, a little sharper this time. "Soph look, I just don't feel well, ok? Most friends would offer to bring me soup or something, not give me the goddamn third degree."
"Fine, fine, whatever you say." Sophia resigned, putting her hands up in defeat as she rose from my bed. "To be fair to you, you must be ill because you look like shit." She laughed as I threw a pillow that narrowly missed her face. "But don't pretend like you're not avoiding Nikki, that boy has left 3 voicemails in the last week asking if you're ok. At least phone him back & let him know that the 'fever' hasn't taken you just yet." She winked as she used air quotes to emphasise her shit eating sarcasm.
"Whatever," I groaned, pulling the covers over my head, "I'll do it after my nap now can you please go get ready for work, you're gonna be late & you're getting on my nerves."
I heard Sophia scoff as she left the room, closing the door behind her as she went.
Ok, maybe she was right, maybe I had been avoiding Nikki. But not on purpose, I was actually sick. Sort of. Mentally drained counted as sick in my book.
I yanked the covers back from over my head as I let out an over dramatic & exasperated sigh. It'd been a week since I'd practically ran from the Mötley house like a scared, overwhelmed teen who'd realised that maybe they weren't cut out for hanging around with the popular kids.
I don't really know what happened & that's probably the thing that scares me most.
One minute I'm in Nikki's room, listening to his music &, I think, kissing him?
Then I was back with Tommy, snorting more lines & drinking so much I'd be surprised if there's any booze left anywhere on the Sunset Strip, because I'm pretty sure I drank it all.
Next thing I knew, there was a guy getting a little too handsy, feeling me up & trying to guide me into the bathroom with him. And what scares me most is knowing that I was definitely too fucked up to have stood my ground if push had come to shove. If Nikki hadn't have overheard & come out his room when he did, that guy could've easily snuck me away from the party & no-one would've been any the wiser.
Fuck.
I'm supposed to be the sensible one.
How had I let myself get so wrapped up in this lifestyle that is, in reality, a million miles away from my own?
I'm not a rockstar. I'm not a groupie. I'm not a party girl.
I'm a psychology student with deadlines to meet, debt to pay.
I didn't want a bad boy who'd drop me as soon as he's had his fill, I wanted a steady boyfriend that'd take me on dates, had a stable job & that my father wouldn't despise.
I had always had a plan. I was going to get my degree, have a career & a marriage & a family, maybe a dog, & be happy.
So what was I doing down this path to depravity?
I rolled over & buried my face in my pillow as I let out a exasperated groan into the soft void.
I just didn't belong in Mötley Crüe's world.
*Later*
A sudden, sharp rasp on my bedroom door jolted me awake.
"Beth, stop pretending you're sick, you got a visitor." Soph yelled through the wood before throwing the door open & shoving a slightly pissed off looking Nikki into my room.
"Sorry, late for work, gotta run!" Sophia voice rang smugly in a sing-song voice as she rushed away from my room & down the hall. I listened to the patter of her heels along the flooring, then the sound of her unlock the front door & before slamming it with purpose to announce her departure. I scowled at the space she had stood in just seconds before, mentally cursing her out.
I glanced at Nikki who had lifted a judgemental brow, eyeing up the sight of me in my pyjamas, unbrushed hair & no make up, napping at 4pm.
"Oh you because you've never woke up in worse states." I shot at him defensively, scrambling to sit up, pulling my knees into my chest under the covers. "What do you want Sixx?" I mumbled awkwardly, scowling at the wall whilst I refused to make eye contact.
"Beth, I've left you messages. What, you couldn't be arsed to pick up the phone & let me know you're ok?!" He asked sharply, his expression clearly annoyed. "I was wo-" he checked himself, cutting off the statement, but it was too late.
I smirked a little. "Nikki Sixx, were you worried about me?"
"No, I wasn't worried, I just-"
"Turns out the bad boy has a soft side." I teased.
Nikki's face grew red as he brow furrowed in frustration & embarrassment. "Oh yanno what, just fuck it, I shouldn't have bothered.." he murmured to himself, turning on his heels & walking back out of the bedroom door.
"No wait Nikki, c'mon I'm sorry, I was only joking, I'm sorry!" I called after him, causing him to stop & cautiously turn back around. "Please just come back in here." I pouted at him. Nikki's face softened & he came & stood at the foot of my bed, his fingers absentmindedly tracing the ornate bed frame.
"I'm sorry if I freaked you out the other night." I heard him mumbled quietly, almost as if he was hoping I wouldn't quite catch it.
"You didn't freak me out, it was that guy.." I trailed off, letting my eyes follow Nikki's hands that was still dancing along the footboard. "Thank you, for stepping in, god knows what could've happened if you didn't." I said quietly, finally lifting my eyes to his just in time to catch his dart across in my direction. Our eyes met & Nikki acknowledged my thanks with a little awkward nod.
"You're welcome." He replied with a little cough, trying to hide his discomfort at the whole situation. “So, um, why have you been avoiding me? Yanno, if its not because I scared you?” He stumbled.
I hung my head slightly, unsure of how much truth to share. I couldn’t tell him it was because being a groupie didn’t exactly fit into my life plan. Christ, I hadn’t even slept with the guy & I’m already getting ready to run away because he’s not marriage material. I let out a soft, unamused chuckle at my own ridiculous reasonings. “Nikki, I just..” I decided to share a little bit of truth. “I just don’t fit in.” I blurted out.
Nikki let out a short, almost relieved laugh. “What?” He asked, bemused now.
I shook my head, hearing how must’ve sounded. “I mean, I just don’t fit into your world. I got swept up in having fun with you guys, but I’m just not that girl. I don’t know, I guess I got carried away with it all.”
Nikki looked at me intently, pondering what I'd said before carefully responding. “But, you had fun right?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, of course I did. But that’s not the point.”
“Of course that’s the point!” Nikki cut in quickly. “Beth, you were the one that told me you lived wrapped up in goddamn bubble wrap, not able to do what you wanted or enjoy yourself.”
“Yeah, but only because Daddy wanted to protect us!” I said defensively.
“And now you’re a grown ass adult Lizzy.” Nikki’s expression softened a little & he hesitantly reached for my hand. “Look, I know your dad wanted to look after you and all that, but you can’t let what happened to your mom stop you from living your own life.”
“I’m not, I just..” I let the sentence trail off. “The other night just made me realise how reckless I’m being. This isn’t who I am. The drugs, the partying, ever since I met you guys I’ve just been someone that I’m not & just think need to distance myself, ok?”
Nikki shrugged, withdrawing his hand from mine a little sharply. “I get that sometimes were a little much & we can take things a bit too far, but don’t put your twisted daddy guilt on me & my band. You chose to come to our parties, no-one forced coke up your nose or pushed you into bed with Vince, you did all that shit because you wanted to & because you enjoyed it. Look, I’m not gonna beg you to stick around if that’s what you’re waiting for because that just isn’t me. If you wanna stay away, that's cool, we'll leave you be. But for what my opinion is worth, which probably ain’t shit, I think you’re being hard on yourself. You’re not a bad person for enjoying the darker side of life.” Nikki’s voice was blunt & hard, but I could hear the sincerity in it too. “Beth, you’re punishing yourself for having fun.” He finished.
Fuck, he was right.
We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Nikki’s words lingering in the air as I absorbed what he’d said, trying to figure out where my head was at. I knew that what he was saying was true, but that didn't give me an excuse to go out & do whatever I pleased. I had to take responsibility for my life, be sensible, make the right choices.
Right?
Eventually Nikki rose from the bed, rocking on his heels as he tried to find words to try & clear the awkward atmosphere.
“Ok, well I think maybe that’s my queue to go.” He announced, leaning in to me & giving me a light peck on the forehead. “I hope you figure all of this shit out Beth. Don’t let your dads fears stop you from enjoying your own life. Do what you gotta do, but don’t forget to do what you wanna do sometimes.” He said as he walked towards the the open door. He paused in the doorway, turning his head slightly to look at me & gave me that infamous smirk one last time. My stomach flipped at the sight. “I’ll miss ya, Lizzy." He winked before walking away, down the hallway & out of sight. I let out a breathe I hadn’t realised I'd been holding in as I heard the door open & shut, the click of the latch catching sending a feeling of regret run cold though my body.
Fuck.
I threw the bed covers off of me & ran down the hallway, my bare feet slapping loudly on the laminate flooring. I reached the front door & took a deep breathe, my mind made up as I wrenched open the door & flew down the first set of stairs, not putting another thought into what I was about to do. I ran down the second flight, almost crashing into Nikki on the landing between staircases. I didn’t give him chance to react as he spun round, about to curse out whoever had nearly sent him flying. I grabbed a hold of his face, kissing him roughly & deeply. Nikki’s body went from rigid & angry to relaxed & smug in an instant, his hands snaking around my waist, pulling me in closer as I could feel his smirk beneath my lips. He finally broke the kiss, leaning away from me fractionally to give me a bemused, sly look. “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what I wanna do.” I quoted him as he chuckled darkly.
“Good girl.” He mumbled against my lips, those two words, mixed with the taste of his kiss making me weak. I took his hand & lead him back up the stairs, feeling his eyes trailing along every inch of my body with every step I took.
We reached the front door & I went to reach for the handle, but Nikki grabbed my wrist, spinning me back around & pushing me up against the wall. He pinned both of my hands above my head with one hand as his other trailed along my lips, down my neck and lightly across my chest. His eyes didn’t leave mine the whole time, his hungry gaze enough to undo me right there & then. He pressed his lips roughly against mine as his fingers carried on their journey down my stomach & along the waistband of the little pyjama shorts I was wearing. He let them dance teasingly along my exposed skin before he slid his hand under the fabric, stroking me on the outside of my panties.
I tried to wriggle my hands free to grab his hand, conscious of the fact that anyone could walk past us, but Nikki only tightened his grip in response.
I pulled away from his kiss, trying to ignore how good his fingers were making me feel. “Nikki, I have neighbours!” I hissed. “What if someone walks past us?”
Nikki smirked once again. “That’s the point Angel. Best keep quiet.” He winked as his fingers expertly moved my panties to the side before sliding inside me, making me gasp with pleasure.
“Nikki, c’mon, I mean it!” I tried to protest as his fingers began to rhythmically pump against my wetness, his thumb finding its way to my clit & rubbing in small circles, making me moan out loud against my better judgement.
“Nikki..” I trailed off, forgetting what I was complaining about as he picked up speed, letting my eyes close. I stopped caring. I couldn’t focus on being mad, I could only focus on him. I rocked my hips against his hand, our rhythms syncing perfectly causing new waves of pleasure that I couldn’t hide. I desperately tried to stifle my moans, but Nikki wouldn’t let me. His fingers worked faster & harder, driving me closer & closer to the edge.
I opened my eyes to see his fixed on me, his lustful gaze soaking up the sight of me coming undone in front of him like he’d wanted for so long.
Nikki smiled darkly & leaned in to me, letting his lips brush my ear lobe as he whispered “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to see you give me that look.”
“What look?” I managed to gasp between my soft moans.
“The look you give when your wet, begging for my touch.” He chuckled. “Now cum for me, Angel. Right here, right now.”
His commanding words almost pushed me over the edge & I closed my eyes once again, letting my head tilt back as I got ready to indulge in my release.
But my eyes snapped open at the sound of the door to the building opening 2 floors below. I heard footsteps begin to ascend the stairs & I wriggled against Nikki’s grip once again, but his smirk only grew wider. “Nuh-uh Princess, not until you cum.”
“Nikki, this isn’t funny!” I shot at him quickly, but his fingers didn’t stop. His thumb carried on trailing delectable circles on my clit as his fingers moved quicker inside me, pushing deeper. I listened to the footsteps grow closer as my orgasm did the same, until I couldn’t stop it. Nikki’s lips crashed against mine to silence the moans of ecstasy that wanted to escape my mouth as I came around Nikki fingers, the urgency & danger only adding to the intensity.
Nikki swiftly removed his hand from my panties, licking his fingers & winking at me as I straightened up just in time for Mrs Salvador, our upstairs neighbour, to appear in view as she made her way up the staircase with grocery bags in either hand, smiling when she spotted me.
“Good afternoon, dear!” She beamed as I smiled politely.
“Good afternoon Mrs Salvador.” I managed, still flustered.
“And who do we have here?” She nodded in Nikki’s direction.
“I’m Nikki!” He responded all chipper & pleased with himself.
“Well nice to meet you Nikki, I’d shake your hand but I best get these bags upstairs.” Mrs Salvador smiled as she carried on her way.
Nikki shot me a sly look, smirking a usual. “Probably for the best.” He chuckled back to her, shrugging as a took a swipe at him when Mrs Salvador’s back was turned.
He grabbed my waist & pulled me towards him as he reached for the door at the same time. “Now, I’m not done with you.” He growled, nipping at my neck before opening the door & pulling me through.
Now safely on the other side of the door, I felt more confident as I kissed Nikki roughly, trailing kisses along his jawline & down his neck, softly biting as I went.
“My turn.” I mumbled against his skin, before dropping to my knees without hesitation.
I unlaced his tight leather trousers, lifting my eyes up to meet Nikki’s, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth as I watched him appreciate the sight of me on my knees in front of him. I flashed him a smirk of my own & placed light kisses along the waistband of his trousers before reaching into them & pulling out his swollen member.
*Nikki’s POV*
Beth lifted her eyes to mine once again as she slowly licked the tip, teasing me, waiting to see my reaction. I let out a low groan watching her smirk & circle her tongue around the head of my cock before taking it into her mouth.
“Fuck” I hissed through my teeth a I felt Beths hot, wet lips wrap around my dick & watched her delicate hands wrap around the base, working it slowly to begin with. I felt myself grow harder in her mouth, my eyes fixated on the sight of her with my cock between her perfect, plump lips.
She picked up speed, running her tongue up & down the length of me, applying just enough pressure to make me curse again. I threw back my head & let a low moan escape me. I grabbed a fistful of Beth’s hair, bucking my hips against her as she pumped faster, using her hands to work what her mouth couldn’t reach.
“Christ, you have no idea how many times I’ve thought about fucking your pretty little mouth.” I grinned between my moans of desire. Beth looked back up at me, eyes so innocent I could’ve cum just from the look she gave me. She groaned around my cock, sucking me deeper into her mouth, her one hand finding its way to me balls, fondling them & causing me to groan louder as the pleasure increased.
I thrust my hips against her, helping her take all of me into her throat. I felt the sensation overwhelm me, pushing me closer to cumming, but I wasn’t gonna cum like this.
I put my fingers gently under Beths chin, lifting her face to look at me, her lips still wrapped around my dick. I groaned at the sight once more, fighting the urge to let her just carry on until I came in that perfect mouth.
Instead, I took her hand & helped her to her feet, running my hands through her blonde hair & kissing her before leading her towards her own room. I shut the door behind us & pulled off my tshirt before pushing Beth on to the bed. I pulled off her top, revealing her lack of bra & climbed on top of her, placing kisses lazily across he chest until my lips brushed against her nipple. I nipped it gently, causing a sharp inhale of breath from Beth, before taking it into my mouth & sucking as I used my thumb & finger to caress the other one. Beth let out a delicious whimper & I continued my trail of nipping & sucking down her stomach to the waistband of her shorts.
I slowly pulled them off along with her panties, revealing Beth’s perfect little pink pussy, glistening with her wetness. I bit my lip at the sight, desperate to taste her.
I placed kisses along Beths thighs, sucking lightly as I made my way inwards until my lips brushed against the ones between her legs. I felt her abs tense & heard her draw in a sharp breathe as her hand came down & rested on the back of my head, her fingers getting lost in my hair. I continued kissing around her pussy, making Beth squirm until she couldn’t take it anymore. I let my tongue drift towards her clit, lightly brushing over it before applying a little more pressure & swirling my tongue against her. Fuck, she tasted like heaven.
“Fuck, Nikki!” Beth called out, whimpering & moaning as I smirked against her clit. I had waited too damn long to hear her call out my name, it sounded so fucking sweet on her angel lips.
I carried on circling my tongue as I eased my finger inside her, gently thrusting it in & out until I heard her breath quicken. I let it get faster & faster, listening to her orgasm build up until her fingers started to tighten in my hair & then I simply stopped.
“Sixx, what the fuck!” Beth panted, lifting her head up to look at me. I gave her my best smug smile as I pulled off my leather pants & climbed back on top of her. I let the head of my cock rub against her clit, causing an involuntary moan to escape her mouth into mine as I kissed her.
“You can cum when I do, Princess” I smiled wickedly, climbing off of her to find a condom. I always kept one handy in my trouser pocket. I ripped open the packet & rolled it on, moving back over to Beth & flipping her over, so she was on all fours, knees on the edge of the bed, ass in the air & that cute little pussy on full display for me. I let my cock glide up & down the length of her, spreading her wetness around as she whimpered for me.
“Tell me what you want, Angel.” I teased.
“You.” I heard her whimper as her ass wiggled in the air as she tried to back herself up onto my throbbing cock.
“Uh-uh Princess. Tell me what you want.” I demanded, giving her wet pussy a sharp little tap with my hand, causing a gasp, followed by a moan to emanate from Beth.
“I want you to fuck me, Nikki!” She choked out between moans as my fingers brushed lazily against her clit.
“Ask nicely, Angel.” I warned.
“Please Nikki, please fuck me!” Beth cried out desperately “Fuck, I want you inside me.”
I teased her entrance with the tip of my cock, prolonging her desperation for just a second longer as I appreciated what it was like to finally have her at my mercy before I eased myself inside of her. Her warmth was enticing & her wetness made it easy to push my whole length deep inside her. Beths moans were fucking music to my ears as she called out my name, signalling me to pick up the pace.
I grabbed a hold of her hips, digging my fingers into her delicate skin, instantly colouring her pale skin a nice shade of purple underneath my fingertips. I grinned at the sight; a reminder for her later.
I started thrusting, finding my rhythm as our moans synced along with our hips. I started out slow, thrusting deep as Beth cried out.
“Fuck Sixx, you’re so big!” She moaned as she inevitably pulled away from me. I slapped her ass & pulled her back to me, burying my dick back inside her. I grabbed her hair as I picked up the pace, thrusting harder & faster as Beth got more comfortable, pushing her ass back against me, matching my rhythm.
I brought down a sharp slap on her ass once again as she called out my name. “I’m gonna cum Nikki!” She yelled out.
I chuckled harshly. “I told you, you cum when I do, doll.”
I slowly pulled back, almost all the way, before pushing my cock back in, hard, making her take all of me. Beth let out yell of pleasure & pain, pulling away from me once again, causing me to pull out.
I released my fingers from her hair & I lay down on the bed, motioning for Beth to get on top. She didn’t need telling twice.
She eagerly straddled me, placing her knees either side of my hips before she reached for hungrily for my cock, positioning it beneath her, sliding herself down on to me with a deliciously slow pace that nearly made me cum.
“Fuck Beth!” I called out, grabbing her hair & pulling her lips to me, tasting her sweet kiss as she slowly rode my cock.
Beth sat back up, placing her hands on my chest to steady herself as she thrust up & down on my dick. I reached my hand up past her bouncing tits to her pretty neck, wrapping my fingers around it & squeezing, gently at first, trying to gage her reaction. Beth drew her bottom lip between her teeth & gave me a pleading look that told me to carry on, so I tightened my grip, causing her pace to quicken. I groaned at the sight of her perfect, wet pussy sliding up & down my cock, bringing me closer to my release.
Keeping my grip on her throat, I rolled over so Beth was beneath me, softening my grip momentarily for her to take a sudden gasp of air. I grinned at her as she let a moan escape before my grip tightened once again.
“I’ve wanted you beneath me for so fucking long, Angel. Now, you have my permission to cum.” I smirked as I began thrusting hard & fast, bouncing my hips against hers as Beth wrapped her legs around my waist & dragged her nails down my back. I let out a low growl at the pain, squeezing tighter on her neck, leaving more purple bruises as evidence that she was mine.
I watched as her beautiful, innocent face got twisted up with sin & I let go of her just in time to hear the sound of her orgasm come crashing out of her glossy, angelic lips. Her forehead was glistening with a light film of sweat as her eyebrows furrowed & her lips parted ever so slightly. Her eyes stayed fixed on mine as I felt her cum around my cock.
I smirked as I watched her, knowing I’d caused that sinful look in her eyes, just like I’d always wanted.
I felt my own release build up as I watched Beth squirm & writhe from her own, not breaking pace or easing for a second, dragging out her orgasm.
“Tell me who you belong to.” I demanded, edging closer, groaning as the sight of Beth cumming beneath me.
“You. I-I belong to you.” She choked out between gasps & moans. “Cum for me Nikki, please.” She begged desperately.
Beths words tipped me over the edge & I buried my face in her neck as came, slowing down my pace before collapsing in a pile on the bed next to her.
“Fuck.” I whispered, letting out a low, sultry laugh.
*Beths POV*
“Yep.” I agreed, giggling. Fuck was the only word that seemed appropriate right now. My whole body felt like it was vibrating, still throbbing from my orgasm. I wriggled up next to Nikki, resting my head on his shoulder, resigning myself to the knowledge that my legs were basically useless at this point & I’d just have to call in sick again for my evening shift.
Nikki whole body stiffened at my touch before relaxing fractionally, long enough to wrap his arm around my waist, but I could sense his discomfort.
“You.. ok, Sixx?” I asked, dragging the question out a little as I propped myself up to look at him.
“Yeah, yeah, fine.” He shifted, his eyes refusing to meet mine.
I felt a knot form in my stomach as the awkwardness grew in the air. “I wasn’t that bad, was I?” I joked, half-serious.
“No, it not that doll. That was, uh, well, that was fucking phenomenal.” He laughed nervously, running his hands through his hair.
“So.. What is it?” I questioned, feeling suddenly self-conscious as I pulled the bed cover over me to hide my body.
His eyes drifted down to his arm around my waist. “I’m just, um, I’m don’t really do the whole cuddling thing after, yanno?”
I scoffed at him, shaking my head. “Christ Nikki.”
“I’m sorry!” He said, immediately jumping to his own defensive. “You know I’m not that kinda guy!”
“Nik, I put my goddamn head on your shoulder, I wasn’t asking you to commit!”
“Look, the whole thing just makes me, I don’t know, uncomfortable I guess!” He blurted out sheepishly.
I let out a short, unamused laugh. “And kicking someone out of my bed before they’ve had chance to catch their breath makes me uncomfortable, so looks like we’re both fucked here.” I snapped.
“Lizzy, c’mon, you knew what this was, you’ve always known!” Nikki looked exasperated. “You’ve seen it happen with plenty of other girls, nothing has changed.” He said sharply, climbing out of my bed & pulling on his pants.
They shouldn’t have, but his words stung.
Fuck.
“Christ Sixx. I didn’t think I was special, but I thought after everything that maybe you cared about me a little more than all your other groupies.” I spat, tears involuntarily springing to my eyes. I furiously tried to blink them away.
“I - I care about you Beth, but no. This was what it was, you should’ve known.” He shook his head, still refusing to catch my eye as he gathered up his clothes & got dressed.
I shook my head, letting an ironic laugh escape me. “Who’d have thought Vince would’ve treated me better than you. And to think I fucking hurt him for this.” I gestured towards Nikki & the bed, shaking my head pitifully. “Thanks a lot Nikki.”
His head spun to face me, his eyes finally meeting mine. “Don’t fucking blame me for what happened with you two. No-one forced you to go off with me! You made that decision on your own Princess.”
“I went off with you because I thought I was going off with more than just one mediocre fuck!” I yelled bitterly. “What happened to wanting to be the only one that has me? What happened to ‘tell me who you belong to’ just 10 fucking minutes ago?!”
“Shit Lizzy, I say shit when I’m fucking horny. What did you expect? I was just gonna settle down with you because I’ve been chasing you? That’s the whole goddamn point, its the thrill of the chase &, well..”
Tears pricked in my eyes once again & I didn’t bother to hide them this time.
“Just get out Sixx.” I ordered, bluntly.
“Princess, look, I like you, I do, but I don’t want anything more than this, I figured you knew that. I’m sorry if I confused you, I like what we had gong before, can we just go back to that?” Nikki asked softly, reaching for my hand.
“Get out of here Nikki, now!” I yelled, hot, humilIted years spilling down my cheeks as I climbed out of bed & strode towards Nikki, pushing him out of the door & slamming it shut behind him. I sunk to the floor, my bare back against the cold wood of the door as I listened to Nikki sigh heavily on the other side, before walking down the hallway, opening the front door & closing it behind him.
I listened as the latch caught once again. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna chase him this time.
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seouledbysisi · 4 years
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Something New
Chapter fifteen
Brianne
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Taeil stood staring at her waiting on a response. It seemed like they had been standing there quiet for nearly ten minutes. It wasn’t looking good for him at this point.
He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Did you hear what I asked you?”
She finally snapped out of her trance. “What?”
He chuckled a bit. “I asked if there was a deadline for us?”
“Oh.” She started and took a deep breath. “I mean no- but”
He shook his head. He hated when people threw a ‘but’ in. He knew this was heading downhill from here.
“I’ve been accepted into Stanford University. A full ride. South Korea is really far...” she began.
He nodded. “It is.”
“And I don’t know how it could work. School itself is going to be hard on me. Plus you’ll be busy all the time. I don’t know.” She took a deep breath. She had no idea why she was allowing these words to fly out of her mouth. What her heart wanted to say was “we’ll figure it out as we go. We’ll find a way for this to work” but with her abandonment issues she just couldn’t find the words that were right.
His hands dropped from her. “That’s definitely not what I was expecting you to say.” He said dryly. He felt like he was being selfish. He knew that long distance would be hard. Extremely hard at that but Sasha and Jaehyun had figured out how to make it work. Why couldn’t they figure this mess out too.
She giggled a bit. “What did you expect? You thought I was going to jump up and down and squeal about how nothing will tear us apart?”
He couldn’t figure out why the hell she was being so defensive with him. “No of course not but I expected you to at least act like you care! Maybe you don’t though. Sorry for assuming we were on the same page.”
Her heart felt like someone was tightening it. “I do care it’s just this is a lot that you just sprung on me!”
He chuckled unamused. “You have a funny way of showing how much you care. I think it’s time I take you home.” He grabbed his keys out his pocket and jumped into the driver side and waited for her to follow suit.
The car ride was so quiet. You could hear nothing but the hustle and bustle of the city.
“I’m sorry.” She finally spoke. The silence was killing her.
He simply shrugged. He was mad. He was hurt. He felt like he had wasted his time. She had shown him a side of her that he didn’t know and it killed him to feel this way.
“So you’re just going to shut me out?” She asked as she attempted to reel him back in. There was no reason that they had to finish the rest of the school year in odds.
He took a deep breath. “I don’t have anything more to say to you. You said a earful and that’s what it is.”
After about five minutes he pulled up at her house.
“You’re being really unreasonable, you know?!” She fired at him.
He turned to stare at her. She was opening a door that she really didn’t want to walk through. “Are you freaking kidding me right now?”
“What?” She yelled.
He covered his face for a moment. He was so frustrated. “You literally just said that we’re breaking up when we graduate and you want me to be fine with it? Brianne, what sane person would be okay with that?”
“I didn’t say we were breaking up!” She sighed.
He shook his head. “You definitely didn’t say otherwise either. You’ve made it plain how you really feel.”
A tear was begging her to be released but she couldn’t let him see that. She didn’t want him to leave her so she was beating him to it. Her mom had really done a number on her mentality. She opened the car door and stepped out. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want.” She whispered and shut his door.
He couldn’t bare to watch her walk away. He hated that he had developed real feelings just for her to destroy him. Was he not good enough? He had treated her right he thought so why couldn’t she take a chance on him. He hit the steering and finally drove away.
When she finally shut her front door she slid down it and allowed her tears to roll. She whimpered a bit too loudly.
Her dad ran to her quickly. “What happened? Did he hurt you? I’ll kill him!” He spoke as he kneeled down beside her.
She shook her head as she wiped her face trying to gain her breath back. “No daddy!” She started to hyperventilate a bit.
He rubbed her back trying to calm her down. He knew whatever happened was bad. “What is it?”
“He’s moving to South Korea.” She finally spoke.
His heart broke for his daughter. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry. Did he break up with you?”
She shook her head as she squeezed her eyes shut. “No. Im pretty sure I did all the breaking.”
He pulled her into his embrace.
“I think I need help, daddy.” She finally admitted. She hadn’t even fully admitted that to herself. She needed some therapy if she was ever going to get past her mother leaving them.
Ivy
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She stood with her hands on her hips.
“You better spill the beans before I knocked it out of you!” She semi-yelled.
His eyes flew open wide. “Why you gott get violent with me?” He pleaded.
“Because I need to know what you’re hiding!”
He took a deep breath. “I’ve been scouted to be in a boy group-“ he started. He figured he’d just rip the band-aid off. Might as well since he had been holding this water for a very long time.
Her face lit up. “Babe, I’m so happy for you! What’s so bad about that?!” She slapped his arm playfully. “You had me scared for noth-“
He tossed his hand up to stop her while she was already behind. “I’m South Korea, babe. Like kpop.” He admitted.
Her heart nearly stopped. It felt like it was beating as slow as a sloth moves. Her vision became a bit blurry. Her sugar had to be dropping because the room was spinning. Suddenly her legs went limp.
Johnny caught her before she hit the ground. He immediately laid her on the bed. “Baby, wake up! Ivy!” He yelled as he patted her face.
About five minutes later she started to come back to. She stared upon his face. “I just had the worst dream ever, baby.” She spoke with a slur. She was still clearly out of it.
He chuckled as he caressed her face. “What was your dream about, babe?” He figured he’d play along for a while because when she figured out that this was real she was going to snap his head right off.
She raised up a bit. “You were going to be in some kind of group in Korea.” She giggled.
Johnny’s smile faded.
She noticed his reaction. Tears filled her eyes. “Please tell me it was a dream, right?”
He shook his head silently.
Before she knew it her hand moved across his face with a quick slap.
She smacked her hand over her mouth. She couldn’t believe she had actually hit him. She didn’t know what had come over her. Scratch that she knew exactly what had come over her. Many emotions that was. Mostly being pain.
He held his face where she had stung him.
Johnny knew she was mad. It felt so bad. Little did she know that he was feeling the same way as her. He didn’t want them to be separated either but what was the other option? He would never ask her to move across the world for him.
“I’m so sorry, babe.” He stated as he waited for her to say something.
She stared at him with her nose flaring. “How long have you known?”
He sighed. He really didn’t want her to know how long he had been keeping this.
“How fucking long, Johnny?!” She yelled. His silence was pissing her off.
He jumped from her anger. “A year.” He said under his breath.
Her eyes bulged. “What did you say?” She had thought she heard him say a year but maybe not.
“Around a year, babe.”
She immediately started grabbing up her prom gown and getting dressed. She was so in the moment she hadn’t realized that all she had on was her panties.
He tossed her an extra tee and sweatpants that he had brought for her. “Here put this on.”
“No thanks. I’ll wear my gown.” She refused.
He rolled his eyes. “I know you’re mad and I get it but don’t be ridiculous. Put the damn clothes on.”
“No!” She argued. Now she was simply being a brat.
“Ivy, just put the clothes on. Damn!” He was getting frustrated with her stubbornness.
She finally broke down. She dropped to the floor and allowed the gown to fall from her arms. She couldn’t control the tears that pouring out.
He sat in the floor with her and held her. “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t know how.”
“What the hell am I going to do without you? You’re all I have basically. I’m not strong like Sasha. My heart breaks for her everyday.” Her face had turned red.
He smoothed her hair down. “My heart is breaking too, baby. But no matter what you have me. I don’t care how many miles away I’ll be from you. You’ll always own my heart.”
She hit his chest. She was so mad at him. “I wanna believe that but words are just words, Johnny. It’s easy now because we’re always together but South Korea is a whole other country. What if I need protection? You’ve always been my safe haven, Johnny! I need you.” She grabbed his shirt in the chest area and pulled him to her.
“I wish I could take you with me.” He whispered. “I’d never ask you to leave everything behind though for me.”
She looked up at him with hollow eyes. “Ask me.” She whispered back.
He perked up a bit. “Huh? This isn’t just moving to a different city, babe. This is a lot!”
“It’s going to be a lot without you with me. So I’d rather have a lot on my plate with you than without you!” She argued. She knew she wanted him for the rest of her life. She wasn’t about to screw things up now.
He threw himself into her and wrapped his arms around her and kissed all over her face. “I love you so much. I can’t believe that you would leave the country for me.” He stared at her with so much love in his eyes.
“I can’t believe you’d think I was going to let you get away.” She smirked and pulled him down on top of her.
Sasha
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Sasha woke up with shocked eyes as she flipped her body right off of the couch onto the floor.
Jaehyun ran from the kitchen area when he heard a huge plop.
“Baby, you okay?” He helped her off the floor.
She rubbed her back. “Ow.” Was her response with a short chuckle.
He sat next to her on the couch. He tried to hold back his laughter but he just couldn’t.
“So not funny, Jaehyun!” She rolled her eyes and pouted.
He lifted his t-shirt off of her body and kissed up and down her back. “Better?” He asked with a smirk.
She sighed. “So much better.”
He turned her face towards him and leaned in for a kiss but she turned her quickly.
“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” She was a bit embarrassed.
He shrugged. “And? A small peck won’t kill me.” He smiled and stole a quick kiss.
Her heart was filled with a lot of nothing but him. “I’ve missed you much.” She admitted.
He nodded. “I’ve missed you too, baby. I could get used to this though.”
She raised an eyebrow a bit confused. “Used to what exactly? Being apart?!” She sort of was offended.
He shook his head quickly. He definitely didn’t mean that. “Waking up next to you everyday. Seeing your beautiful face. Feeling your warmth all over me.” He explained.
She giggled. “Maybe someday the stars will align for us.”
That response in itself hit his chest like a wrecking ball. He didn’t want to wait for the stars to align. He wanted to take his life into his own hands and make shit happen. He wanted to make her the happiest woman alive and he couldn’t do that with her being so far away.
He turned her to face him. “I know this is gonna sound crazy but I’m a little crazy. Why don’t you come to Korea after graduation? I know you have family here and they mean the world to you I’m sure and we haven’t been together but like five months but I know you feel what I feel too, right?” He gave her a nervous smile.
He was right it was definitely a crazy idea. “Where would I live? What about school? I do have goals, ya know?!” She giggled.
“My mom wants you with us! She misses you almost as much as me. And there are schools in Korea, ya know!” He was a bit too excited.
Her eyes widened. “Jae, this is crazy! You really want to see me all the time? I won’t get on your nerves?!”
“Crazy enough to work,baby! The only thing that will get on my nerves is if you’re away from me too long so let’s solve that issue. I want you there. My mom wants you there. You’re like a daughter that she had to leave behind.” He argued his point. “Just think about it at least.” He squeezed her hands.
-stay tuned
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beep boop, dropping it in the pond. Ralph picked up a tincture from the dispo he was excited to share with me. but when I had already heard of and experienced tinctures, he didnt say too much more. I didnt think much on it, cuz he can feel what he wants. but i told him how fold i am of tinctures and that i really appreciated him sharing some bc I have been struggling with anxiety bad and tinctures help. he acted supportive.
lmao! now hes saying he'll not get a tincture again bc xyz (I havent read the full message yet. just breathing out my feelings first), even though yesterday he fully loved what he'd tried of it.
I feel hes just removing it from my life bc he doesnt like that I didnt fawn on him For it. I was still fine with my choice.
just pisses me off. cuz it's so clearly manipulative. and I feel increasingly reassured that I am doing to right thing to set boundaries and accept distance between us, for self protection. bc hes not improving (since hes constantly waiting to tear me down). Bro keep fucking trying! I just paid my storage bill for the next two months bc I got a (bank) card so I can be independent from "needing" people to get my needs met via groceries and bills. it removes me from more of his power moves. AND (even though I am feeling inadequate bc I dont have a job and my saving is dwindling) I DID email the studio rental in montoursville back!!! huzzah! and I was straight up about having an ESA dog and that I'm looking for work and that I dont have a phone number (they requested it) at this time, but can be reached through email. I have my fingers crossed, though i feel as a landlord I ping a few red flags (not having job, having dog, and not having phone. And I listed my preferred name alongside their request for my legal name, so if they're trans or queerphobic, ,eh). AND!!! AND!!! GET THIS!!!! I requested information from my dream college Institue Chicago Art. And.. get this... I thinkit's actually pretty plausible that I could get in there. I have already collected a portfolio via my kofi and tumblr. So I just need to collect recent work that are statements of my work and IM ECSTATIC!!! I CAN DO THAT!!! I CAN DO THAT!!! AND I HAVE FAITH IN MY WORK!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I have a few more days to apply for the 2022 spring semester, but I'm looking at the fall bc I know myself. but the deadline for spring is this week haha (I set a reminder 😃). I know if I keep picking at this, I can do this. And this brings me such peace and great joy. I know what I want and they offer programs focusing on comics/graphic novels and illustration and fine arts! like broooooooooo. My personal aspirations van actually come true here. I already am making my art dreams come true by pursuing them, but I can get the validating experience of an true art education, and at one of the very best art schools, and at a school I feel my artistic aunt Eileen would enthusiastically support. SHE would feel proud of my accomplishment, even if no one else in my life gets it.
I've looked at other schools but am generally intimidated or turned off by their programs. This is a school I've consistently come back to repeatedly and still want to attend to the same high degree. I am going to attend a virtual campus tour , think tomorrow, tho I am intimidated by what they will expect me to already know and be prepared for (via applying by deadlines). Tho, I accept myself and my limitations and can offer myself the patience to process that I need. And that feels GREAT!! To have someone one my side about what I struggle with.
my dreams are coming true. I did the hardest and worst parts of recovery and now I'm through it. I still have mental illness, but I'm not blind anymore I'm not stuck in the fog anymore. I'm truly out to the other side. I can still be hurt by those I care about. but I can also process and healthily detach. or remove myself and self care when I can't control my triggered reactions.
I still need therapy to fix a lot of trouble areas, namely behavior towards others, but I am fully human. and my experience is not alone. and I also really need meds. I know meda would help me a lot.
NOW THAT I HAVE MY CARD I HAVE MORE FREEDOM TO PERSUE MEDS. BC I DONT FEEL I HAVE TO RELY ON RALPH IF A HURDLE COMES UP. I CAN JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF OR ASK FOR HELP WITHOUT FEELING LIKE IM UNDER SOMEONES SHOE.
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detachment hours !!!
i can feel myself getting a headache and RAWHHH
what the FUCK is this mood and WHAT brand of mental illness is it stemming from because GRAHHHDSKDFNDSK
i feel like the word "manic" depicts this energy n mood perfectly, but im also vaguely aware that manic/mania are terms reserved for actual mental health conditions so to use them to describe my state would feel wrong and invasive but JUST for lack of a better word i'll use it for now with respects
so
HEY BAES XOXOXO
i have literally no followers on this blog LMAOO i'm literally talking to myself but it's fun ig
anywho so i think im losing my grip on myself and detaching from reality again lol
and it's weird bc people have described the sensation of detachment to me before but this doesnt FEEL like that, but it doesnt feel numb either?? it feels like my brain just running without any actual thoughts so that i dont break down. i dont know how to describe that??? like a moving hamster wheel going SPEED but like without the hamster.
and i just find EVERYTHING funny and talk out loud to my ceiling and myself and my stuffies, literal fucking inanimate objects
like my computer was being slow like a little over 5 minutes ago and i shook it in front of my face and went "you STUPID FUCKING DINOSAUR" and started GIGGLING to myself cause that meme is FUNNY AS HELL LMAOAOAO
im literally just talking and referencing dumbass memes to myself and laughing for no reason and feeling v silly v goofy in a gen z way that's just indescribeable and i just. i dont understand what this is.
- ive got a god tier depression room rn
- i havent showered in a couple days lol
- i havent been productive like i was and even tho im doing well in most of my classes i have like a 21 in english bc my teacher is overwhelming with all the google classroom posts and things get lost in the stream and it's just a MESS and very disorganized and that lack of organization and order STRESSES ME OUT and i lost track of everything in that class and im too overwhelmed to pick up the pieces
- dont even talk to me ab college i think i'll cry lol
- i just have no sense of time or deadlines, and im falling back into familiar patterns of just letting everything go and i know once i let go i cant pick it back up and i cant have lost it all already, the year just started
- i dont know what im doing !!! scared-
okay wait i just felt myself hold back a MAJOR sob so i think i WONT go into that anymore bc clearly that's a lot LMAOOO
anyways sitting down and writing calmed down some of the manic unhinged jumpy energy but
im still freezing cold for no reason, my head keeps ticking for no reason (no i dont have tourettes), i still feel that headache coming on, and im not gonna find motivation or a sense of direction any time soon and anyways im really fucked up rn and i think it's cause i spent like an hour or 2 just stalking people i knew from my old school because i miss them even tho they dont remember me and im fucking PISSED that my parents pulled me out bc i think i wouldve like myself sm better rn if i'd stayed.
okay not going into that either, i feel myself starting to cry there too LOL WTF
i just cant grip reality rn and i keep obsessing over things and people i cant have and the life i couldve lived bc i dont like the life im living now and i feel like i cant CHANGE the life im living now // so nothing's changing in the present and nothing will change so #ESCAPISM tingz, and staying in my romanticized past and indulging in what couldve been now // AND I CANT STOP AND I CANT PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS ENERGY AND AHHHH
i dont know who to talk to about it or HOW to talk about it and how i could even get help w pushing out of this anyway but yuh
we're feeling #stuck #manic #COLD ASF #ticking #escaping reality and all that jaz asf
crying sobbing sliding down walls tbh
im not okay.
- 9:27 pm // 10.27.21 -
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survivormontenegro · 5 years
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Episode 11: “Recalibrate How I’m Playing This Game” - Caeleb
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okay I'm writing a long confessional then going to bed.
Jules was robbed. I was really gonna idol them when Jones/Caeleb told me Jules was getting votes, but Jules was only getting 5, and I naively thought both that Jason wasn't going to flip and Tom wouldn't self vote AGAIN ASKDLJFAF.
I'm frustrated because I love Jules. Jules was robbed and deserved better than having to deal with Alex who like will tell Jules they made a mistake and ugh. I'm frustrated that I didn't idol Jules, even though it wouldn't have been smart and would've put me in a tough game spot, its just all super tricky sigh.
in other news, Jones/Mo/Mitch need to go. I'm super proud of Mo for doing something (like genuinely) and not playing passively, I defo underestimated him, but him and Jones have way too much sway on this tribe, tied to Mitch who is clearly able to work people.
I think a good end-group for me would be Me/Benj/Tom/Julia. I really really like Caeleb but he actually is playing super smart, so I really don't think I can have him sticking around much longer.
I think a good new bootlist is: Jones > Mitch > Mo > Jason > Caeleb
I'm just frustrated because Jules was robbed and really did not deserve that, Mo/Jones are too powerful, and now so is Mitch. I'm gonna idol one of them out, and I'm going to love doing it.
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Holy fuck what the fuck that worked. Ok so here’s what just went down, Jules said to Jason that she’d be fine voting out either me or Mitch. People were leaning towards Mitch. We had like 20 minutes left and we started discussing and I threw out to Jones, what if we get Jules out, but she kinda ignored it and carried on with the Mitch plan. Because Jules has a lot of connections I can understand why Jones would be hesitant. So then I throw the pitch rob Caeleb and Mitch throws the pitch to Jason and they’re both on board. But that would of only been five people. Meaning it most likely would of tied so we were like ok I guess we’ll just vote Mitch. BUT THEN BENJ GETS ONLINE and he’s like “Yeah I’ll vote Jules.” SO I SCRAMBLE BACK TO CAELEB LIKE WAIT VOTE JULES WE HAVE THE NUMBERS. SAME WITH JONES AND JASON. WE GET JULES OUT. Which of course is sad because she’s literally a sweetheart and she’s super funny, but she had so many people in her corner and her and Ali combined was a scary combo. BUT I MEAN I HAVE A COOL GAME MOVE IN MY POCKET NOW THAT I DID (with Mitch) BUT WOW ME.
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Whew chile!!! I must admit that vote was VERY scary and VERY hectic. I thought for a moment my game was ending. Thankfully my social relationships with people allowed me to stay and send the person who was targeting me home (Jules). Now this is GREAT for me because i trusted Jules the least on the merge tribe. The communication thing never worked out between the two of us but i still find her to be a very nice person :). In regards to the vote, Mo/Caeleb, Benj, Jason, and Jones all voted to save me. To me, I feel like this means im in a really good position because everyone likes me enough to SAVE me. Up until 5 minutes before the deadline, I thought i was done for. I gotta be careful with who I work with in the future because my threat level is rising. People in touchy subjects saw me as the one who thinks they are running the game but are not, but man is this far from the truth. I'd like to say that although I didn't know what was going on COMPLETELY, I still pretty much helped/forced the target onto the person who went home. Ian- Told Alex about how I suspected Jason and Ian of being a duo (correct assumption according to ali) and everyone ended up splitting between the two (I did not care who went). Alex- I pushed very hard for alex to go because he was so dang controlling and i found that very threatening. Jules- targeted me first but I never trusted her because of how little we spoke. When she decided to target me it was the icing on the cake. Hopefully these next few rounds are smooth sailing because we NEED easy votes for at least a little bit.
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okay so i am trying SO hard for immunity, like its not even funny. i think i have 100+ points right now, with more videos uploading and with more planned photos tomorrow. immunity would be SO sweet, because that'd guarantee me a spot in the F8, and with my idol F7.
in other news. if i haven't said it enough, it must be said again. BENJ IS SUCH A KING. like today he told me he wants to go to F4 with Julia and Tom. I truly, truly could have shed and wept real tears. That is exactly the F4 I want, like EXACTLY ,and Benj agrees, and we are going to make it HAPPEN.
He also wants to separate Mo/Jones this round... and like honestly, I'm so down. Like I think he wants to vote off Mo versus Jones which I think is a bad idea, since Jones is a better talker and more of a threat, but his argument about Jones being a shield makes some sense.
my ideal bootlist moving forwards for the season, although it requires like julia/tom to stick with me and benj pretty tightly, is:
Mo/Jones > Mitch > Jason > Mo/Jones > Caeleb > F4: Me/Tom/Benj/Julia
and also since i love doing this for no reason, this would be my ranking of those left if i was to go to jury this round:
Mitch > Jason > Jones > Benj > Caeleb > Julia > Mo > Tom
Mitch is SO savvy, and so likable, and I could see as a definite winner, having survived so much. I can't decide if Jones is a threat because she is just so likable, or if she is actually palying super well, but I have both her and Jason very high in my opinion. Benj is so smart, I feel like he probably isn't considered as such by the other threats, but I hear him talk game - he is super woke. Caeleb is actually playing a very smart game too, flipping back and forth. I definitely underestimated him in early merge, his MIND. Julia I think is super game-savvy, just her style gets in her own way sometimes. Mo I feel like definitely did stuff last vote, but I see him as Jones' shadow/goat right now so would need to see much more. Tom I'm stuck because him self-voting twice I think almost definitely excludes him from winning so its hard to tell how I'd feel about him in an FTC. the main thing is that... we shall see.
BUT I AM WINNING IMMUNITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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Sending this now bc I forgot. Jason beat me in reward OOPS but I can still possibly win immunity,,,,,? Maybe?
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Eek me at jules being voted out, honestly i didnt really know what was going to happen at that tribal for the sole fact that everything started moving whilst i was asleep but im kinda shocked that it ended up being jules.... Like i personally wouldnt have made that move right now maybe in like 2 more rounds. Its quite scary the fact that mitch got so many people to turn on jules when i thought she was quite the loved player. So I've gotta keep an eye out for him he's probably playing the best game atm but i think ill try to take him out sooner rather than later
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I think I might have to recalibrate how I’m playing this game. I honestly didn't think I was all that close to Jules so her cursing me kinda surprised me. SO, that means I think a lot of people are gonna be cursing me in the upcoming rounds. Not that I am planning a lot of blindsides, I just feel a lot closer to the people actually left. Julia might be the only one that wouldn't curse me at this point, but also she might because she doesn't like me all that much. And being cursed a bunch might put a really large target on my back too.
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y'all i just found another idol im SCREECHING. and its a boujee one too, a sapphire idol. I'm so AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, i know where 2/3 idols are for sure, I'm truly screaming.
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This was me an Mitch on call when we realized we had the numbers to vote out Jules
heres the thing, i prefer the selfie scavenger hunt when im on a team because that way im motivated to get stuff done out of fear of letting everyone down. where as by myself, i let myself down all the time. ali is scary good at comps and im lazy.
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ALI FOUND THE MERGE IDOL AND ITS A SAPPHIRE IDOL AHHH!!!
IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM/US BUT ALSO LOWKEY PISSED BECAUSE I GET ALL THE BRIDGE STEPS AND THEN HE GETS LUCKY AT THE VERY END LMAO. AGAIN.
BUT OH WELL ATLEAST ITS NOT SOMEONE ELSE!!
And if I had any doubts (I never had) about him betraying me before I have 0 now.. u like have to really trust someone to tell them u have 2 idols LOL I could literally expose so much right now
BUT IM NOT GONNA WOO!!! BEST DUO IVE EVER HAD! Like I know it will be hard to beat him at the end but idc I want that duo story for us
Literally an idol magnet king I knew I chose the best ally on day 1
sapphire idols sound kinda annoying tho cuz u cant choose who its played on . like what if ur plan actually works and u idol the person u wanted gone LOL
lowkey would rather a normal idol ?? anyways ali went off in immunity and its final 9 idk who will go but I kinda want like mo gone (king) but we have no strategic bond so.. plus he will slip by to the end otherwise
I doubt that plan is gonna work tho cuz idk how to lead votes!! im flop sheep!
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Update on idol hunt - I'm killing johnny
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Update apparently I’m running a vote KSKSKKFMFMFFK take back EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT NOT NEEDING POWER LMAOOOO
ok so Storytime
I’m talking to Tom at like 5:00-6:00 ish, and he says he hasn’t heard anything but he’d be down to vote Julia if other people were voting Julia (at this point this is the only name and it was said by Tom and that’s it)
At this point I tell Mo what Tom said (Bc tom and I were talking about Mo) and he said he wasn’t surprised Julia’s name was brought up
Talk to Mitch at like 7:00 ish and he’s apparenrly being targeted by Ali and for whatever reason I have this hero complex and I wanna save him all of a sudden?? I also feel like he’ll be a big shield down the road that everyone else would want out over me so it makes much more sense to keep him? SO I tell him about Julia.
I Run to Mo, tell him about Julia plan he’s on board. MOs talking to Caeleb, and Jason wouldn’t go behind Mitch’s back. So that’s already 5 people I think voting Julia, 6 if we include Tom and 7 if Benj also knows. Which I’ll probs tell him.
So ya??? Turned an idea into a plan!! I’m doing that y’all. Idk?? I’m proud. I don’t need need this much power after this round or else my ego will be the size of my dick but!!! Idk guys I’m proud of myself.
(Literally only 35 minutes later)
Literally having a stroke tonight laid ease
Uhm apparently Tom/Jason/Ali had an alliance and were trying to get me out and tried throwing me under the bus to Julia and tried saying shit I didn’t say,, so ya,,, :)
Tom tried twisting it like I was the one who threw Julia’s name out bc apparently she’s inactive? Which is cute,, I said jack shit about that. So ya.
Um I’m voting Tom tonight now. I’m an indecisive bitch tho so it might change but. Fuck Tom. We gotta break up this alliance apparently. Julia’s the only person that’s said shit to me this whole day about what’s happening so I’m more likely to believe her than anyone else sooo ya. Fuck Tom. Fuck these men.
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assholemurphy · 5 years
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I GOT THE RESEARCH DONE!!!
now i’ve just got to wait to see if i get an email from any of the dept heads needing research for their stuff and to see if the profs are alright with my work. if not, i may cry. i rly tried, but i’ve never done dramaturgy, rly, so i’ve got no fucking clue if i did it right.
i’m gonna wait on making a wordpress site bc there’s a lot more research i need to do for it that i didn’t have to do for the show, so i’ll probs wait until after this semester to get that done so i can have it in my portfolio. i found some fucking fantastic sources for the witch trials, tho, and i am so fucking pleased. like, they’re the next best thing to the actual records and rly fucking cool. i’m rly looking forward to doing more research for this project. and for doing dramaturgy next year if they think i’m good enough (i am taking an independent study dramaturgy course with one of the profs, tho, so hopefully i’ll get better with it).
i’m rly kinda proud of myself for how fast i got this done and for how well phrased everything is. i tried not to like, copy and paste entire chunks of articles, too, so a lot of it is rephrased like a research paper would be. i’m rly happy with how it turned out. (i just hope the profs are happy, too, i rly don’t want to disappoint them.)
i’m gonna email (bc i’ve texted twice and he hasn’t answered) the official dramaturg and see if he has any research done, but as far as i’m concerned, i’ve got it done, 2 days early no less, and that’s all that matters (to me). i’m just rly disappointed cause i wanted to learn from this guy cause i thought he was rly good at what he does but like, idk. i don’t want to talk shit cause idk what he’s going thru but there were issues with him showing up for shows with the last show, so like, idk. i’m just v disappointed i won’t get to learn from him. i’m also hella fucking pissed that he wouldn’t contact me or tell me anything and i looked like an idiot for not already having everything done when i was waiting for the go ahead cause i didn’t want to upset him by doing something wrong, bc ffs, that’s his goddamn job, theatre is incredibly important to all of us, and for him to just, drop me on my ass in front of the profs the first time i’ve ever been officially involved in dramaturgy, i’m fucking annoyed as hell. but, i got it done, so there’s no point in being angry. it’s just going to fuck me over by upsetting me and that’s not okay. so fuck it. he fucked up, i fixed it, it’s all good. i no longer look like an idiot (hopefully) and they know i can get stuff done in a timely manner. as far as i’m concerned, it’s nbd. i’m good with short deadlines, always have been. now i’ve just got to try to stop being anxious abt what the profs think of my work.
but rn, i’m gonna read some fanfiction and then probs take a bath before bed. i’ve got some assignments due in a few days, but rn, i’ve got a little bit of time to relax. i’m thrilled i got this done so quickly, so now i’ve got time to do stuff.
but it’s done so i can get back to doing stuff on here.
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