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drchucktingle · 3 months

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THE TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION TELLS CHUCK TINGLE TO STAY HOME BUT WE PROVE LOVE ANYWAY

just when you buckaroos thought 2024 would be a break from book drama, here comes chuck tingle in the mix. recently i was asked to be a featured speaker at the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION annual conference. a few days ago they rescinded my invitation. here is what happened.

(EDITED TO ADD THIS LINK. if you have a hard time reading this on way of tumblr you can also read for free on chucks patreon)

i would like to start off by saying it is not my intent to start a fight, and all those reading this should know that the actions of a few misguided folks do not speak for the whole TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION. i am sure there are many involved who will be very upset to learn what others at TLA have done in their name. there are many individuals here, so please do not paint them all as villains in your mind. besides, chuck loves the dang library everyone knows that.

the point of writing this is not to vilify. i am writing this is because MOMENTS OF DARKNESS are the best places to SHINE A LIGHT AND PROVE LOVE IS REAL. this is a perfect time for learning and growing and for us talk on some very important things that queer buckaroos and neurodivergent buckaroos face every day. this is an unfortunate moment that WE can turn around and use to prove love is real.

i am also writing this to understand some of my own personal feelings on the matter. for something that seems very simple on the surface, the trot is complex, and i am still working out my emotions on the whole dang thing. i am learning in this way.

PART ONE: BAG OF LOVE

a few months ago chuck was asked to be a featured speaker at the 2024 TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION ANNUAL CONFERENCE. i have been asked to do things like the before and it is ALWAYS a fun time to meet bookseller and librarian buds. trotting around face to face and talking about my story of conquering chronic pain and overcoming my mental hurdles is VERY IMPORTANT to me. i say YES to these things whenever i can. (here i am with authors at CALIFORNIA INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLERS ALLIANCE conference. they are a WONDERFUL group and they proved love with their OWN invitation to chuck. this was such a moving event with so many amazing authors and stories. got very teared up during this photo)

ANYWAY BUCKAROOS i get the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION invite and say 'YES BUD LETS TROT'. we are then confirmed.

months pass. a few weeks ago i get a call from my manager and agent and publisher saying ‘the TLA have rescinded their invitation.’

turns out some things had been going on behind the scenes

at some point the TLA asked chucks INCREDIBLE HEROIC BAD ASS PUBLISHER if chuck would be okay with not wearing the mask, to which tor/nightfire/macmillan said ‘what the heck are you talking about of course chuck is going to wear his mask. this is how chuck presents himself’ (NOT EXACT QUOTE)

as you all know, my pink bag way is a VERY IMPORTANT SPACE. as an autistic buckaroo it is a boundary that allows me to express myself freely and relieve my chronic pain from neurotypically masking all day. i have talked about this for years, and it is why i consider my private identity a SACRED THING. it is literally a health issue.

fortunately THE PINK BAG is never really a problem when making appearances. i have spent years going on television shows, doing interviews, speaking at other conferences and conventions, hosting book events on tour, and even MEETING WITH LAWYERS in my pink face covering. it is always respected and that is very validating to my way.

when arriving anywhere i always take precautions. i always warn buckaroos ahead of time that there is a masked man coming. i always have someone go in ahead of me JUST IN CASE. again, there has never been an issue. at a big conference where i am a special guest there is ESPECIALLY not an issue because my face and bio are printed IN THE DANG PROGRAM

SOME FUN TIMES AT BIG EVENTS BELOW:

CHUCK ON TV SHOW NAME OF 'AT MIDNIGHT' BACK BEFORE I WROTE LOVE IS REAL ON MY HEAD:

well, there has never been an issue.... UNTIL NOW.

PART TWO: RESCINDED

a few days ago TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION suddenly messaged my publishers and said that chuck tingle is no longer invited. my invitation was rescinded. the reason given was that people could possibly be uncomfortable with my mask

right out of the gate i would like to say this: it is absolutely the right of the texas library association to disinvite someone from their conference. it is their event, after all, and they can ban anyone they would like, for any reason.

of course, that doesnt mean other folks HEARING THIS NEWS wont have their own opinions the TLA choices. if the TLA disinvites someone, their reasoning for doing this can be discussed and analyzed. whether or not they follow their own guidelines can be questioned, and certainly their kindness and tact can be considered

there are a few BIG POINTS to make regarding this choice from the TLA

first and foremost, i just gotta say buckaroos, it is incredibly rude to invite someone to be a guest speaker at your event, have them confirm and mark off their calendar and turn down other offers, then rescind their invitation. this is maybe the simplest of the points, but it is an important one.

second, (DEEP BREATH HERE WE GO BUCKAROOS) i personally do not think of my autism as a disability very often, but i also KNOW that despite these feelings it ABSOLUTELY IS. autism is important to be listed as a recognized disability because of the help some autistic buckaroos need regarding government programs and things like that. ALSO just because my neurodivergence has helped me in some ways (hyperfocus and a unique artistic sensibility for example). i personally need to step back and remember my battle with stress and chronic pain from having to neurotypically mask all the time. for as much as i love being autistic it has made some things very difficult.

in other words, i am perfectly capable of speaking and interacting with folks without this pink bag on my head BUT WHEN I AM IN THE CHUCK TINGLE SPACE I REQUIRE IT. i can ONLY use this space while covering my face. is not a want. it is a need. holding this boundary is more important than i can ever say. i will not, and can not, let these spaces cross.

TLA not letting an autistic author wear the face cover theyve set up to express their neurodivergence in a safe, healthy way is--for lack of a better term--NOT A GOOD LOOK.

i cannot fathom them disinviting another author for using a disability aid. i cannot fathom them saying that a buckaroo who hears better with a hearing device cannot use it during their panel because it would make others 'uncomfortable'.

but here we are.

PART THREE: WHAT DOES A BUCKAROO GOTTA DO TO GET BANNED AROUND HERE?

this is the TLAs official stance on disability issues according to their website:

when poking around on the TLA website i noticed a few other things. i noticed a previous guest speaker wearing a niqab, and i was left wondering if the religious significance is what make that okay but chuck tingle banned. that made sense until i looked deeper and saw mascot buckaroos dressed up on the exhibition floor, and saw some kind of spiderbud in a costume contest. nobody around them seemed to be all that scared. their invitations REMAINED INTACT.

it should be mentioned here that AT ONE POINT during the discussions an email was sent from TLA saying chuck is allowed to come and wear his mask in the exhibition halls and smaller panels, just not at any of the big PAID PANELS i was once supposed to participate on. this was a confusing offer, but their explanation was that people who paid for something should have the option to not see chucks 'scary neurodivergence aid'. i tried to wrap my head around WHY they would make a distinction. maybe the exchange of money (rather than time) causes some kind of philosophical adjustment that i just cant grasp?

i wonder, would the author who wears a niqab ALSO be banned from the paid panels? i hope not

my answers trotted up short until i investigated deeper and found this quick moment from one of the TLA help videos. while some events DO require additional buckaroo cash, it actually appears that THE ENTIRE CONFERENCE IS TICKETED AND COSTS MONEY.

at this point i realized there is clearly no actual official policy about not covering your face (other than one from a few years ago saying that you HAVE to cover your face), and the addition of 'money' is a red herring. these excuses make no sense

PART FOUR: CLOSE THOSE GATES

it appears that my neurodivergence is 'scary' enough to get me uninvited, REGARDLESS what their disability and mask policies may say

BUT WHY? why is chucks preferred physical presentation valued SO little by the TLA that a THEORETICAL complaint is worth more? is my neurodivergent expression so awful? is my own safety as a queer activist such an afterthought?

is a pink bag with the words 'love is real' scrawled across the front REALLY going to frighten someone when the posters and pamphlets on the way into in panel would have a photo of my masked face saying THIS IS LITERALLY WHO IS ABOUT TO APPEAR BEFORE YOU.

if THAT accommodation is too much, would it really be so difficult to have someone trot out beforehand and make an announcement? to say 'there is someone on this upcoming panel who needs a mask to express this part of himself, if this makes you uncomfortable then this panel might not be for you'.

and really, i have to heckin ask, is this physical expression of my raw inner truth really so hideous and frightening that fear of making someone uncomfortable is a REAL problem?

(a terrifying display of autism. apparently)

i cannot imagine what kind of precautions they need to take before a stage play featuring costumes and masks.

you MIGHT think chucks queerness and left leaning politics could be the issue with this organization, but they have had drag queens as past speakers (also featuring some GLORIOUS makeup and hair that covers almost all of their faces. VERY CURIOUS). regardless, the TLA do not seem like a conservative bunch.

if you are bisexual or an autistic person who is good at 'passing' you probably already know where this is headed, your dang spiderbuckaroo senses are tingling at FULL ALERT. i will say i do not KNOW the real reason why i was uninvited, and i do not have enough information to make any concrete statement of the real answer. there is only evidence that masks have been fine at TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION events in the past, but not much else to go on.

so the FACTS part of our discussion ends there, but i think it opens us up to talk about some very important feelings that bisexual and autistic buckaroos know well.

THIS is where we take a unfortunate, hurtful moment and turn it into a discussion. this is where we prove love is real.

as someone who is constantly doubted and put through purity tests because of my unique way, we are pushing up against a subject i know well. thats right buckaroos: we are talking GATEKEEPING

AGAIN, i do not know if this is the answer, but someone in my position might be VERY STRONGLY INCLINED TO THINK that a few well-meaning left leaning buckaroos think i am a joke and that this is a character, and that there is something problematic about my work because i am not really a real person.

any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a neurodivergent buckaroo with an unusual visual presentation, an autistic buckaroo who conquered his chronic pain ONLY by creating this important space... but what about a FAKE autistic buckaroo?

any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a queer LGBTQ activist standing up for gay and trans rights against a torrent of scoundrels hunting for his legal identity. its a matter of safety... but what about a FAKE queer activist?

let me be very clear for the 100th time: i am a real person. this is not a joke. i am not playing a character. i am really autistic and bisexual. tinglers are sincere and they are not ‘so bad theyre good’. they are just good. camp damascus is not ‘my first serious book’ because my queer erotica is serious. my art is important and real.

when people tell me to unmask they often do not know WHY they want it, and of course one very good reason is innocent curiosity. but there are SOME cases where i start to get THAT feeling--that tingle all of us ‘passing’ buckaroos get when we can sense the real intent behind the poking and prodding. that is the feeling of stumbling into a gatekeepers crosshairs.

if i was to take off my pink bag, what about my face would you analyze to tell if i was REALLY queer. my eye color? my ear shape? if you learned my legal name, would you see if it sounded autistic? is my voice neurodivergent enough?

or is all of that utterly absurd? i am curious what the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION thinks.

PART FIVE: GENDERED

this will be the shortest of parts, but it has to be said. i have a very complex relationship with gender, as written about at length here and here. i understand these things can be difficult to parse for some, but i ask that you trust me when i say that the ONLY reason i have been able to talk about my gender and sexuality and learn these things about myself is because of this pink bag. this outward appearance is a direct expression and reflection of my gender journey.

if the texas library association does not care about my appearance as an expression of my autism, then i cant imagine them giving a dang about it as an expression of my gender and queerness. that being said, it is personally very important to me and i think it should be mentioned

PART SIX: SO YOU WANT TO REMOVE AN AUTISTIC QUEER AUTHOR FROM YOUR EVENT BECAUSE PEOPLE MIGHT FIND THEIR DIFFERENCES SCARY

there is a question to be asked here: how could the TLA have done this correctly?

i have one very big piece of advice i would like to shout from the rooftops. please, for the love of sweet barbara, DO ENOUGH RESEARCH to know if this appearance will be a problem and, IF SO, dont extend an invitation in the first place. unique buckaroos with different presentations are constantly left in this place of limbo because we are bombarded with careless actions like those of the TLA. before you consider extending a branch to an artist who might need more accommodations than usual, think to yourself 'CAN WE MAKE THESE ACCOMMODATIONS?'

putting all of this on the shoulders of a single 'buckaroo with a difference' is exhausting. as the TLA has shown, we currently live on a timeline where a buckaroo like myself never really knows if an invite is SOLID without doing a deep dive history lesson on how often a group discriminates and against who.

i did not want to spend my whole family holiday worrying whether or not i should say something publicly or just lie down and shut my dang mouth. i had to consider HOW i should say it. i had to worry whether or not its worth standing up for myself in the face of the largest state library association in the country. i think buckaroos with differences are with me when i say: WE ARE SICK OF HAVING TO DO THIS WORK TO COVER FOR THE POOR BEHAVIOR OF LARGE ORGANIZATIONS WHO TREAT US BADLY

another option would just be to use kindness and common sense and happily accommodate artists with unique presentations to your conventions

PART SEVEN: LOVE IS STILL REAL

i would like to close by saying THANK YOU to my publisher nightfire and editor kelly for standing up for me. they immediately stood firm and had my back. they are the real dang deal. THANK YOU to my management and agent buds dongwon and gino for trotting along beside me. THANK YOU to the folks at the texas library association who initially invited chuck with goodness in their heart and then likely got bowled over by someone else, and maybe even got knocked to the side by a big closing gate.

i hope there are librarians in texas who are still interested in carrying BURY YOUR GAYS when it comes out (which is ironically about someone who creates a space through art to express their queerness where they cant otherwise). libraries prove love is real and what they do IS SO IMPORTANT. it was SO IMPORTANT TO ME as a young buckaroo and i cannot thank you enough. i am not sure if me writing all of this will hurt my sales in some way, but this opportunity to speak about the reality of disability awareness and queer gatekeeping is too important to stay silent. (if you have not already preordered BURY YOUR GAYS then give it a preorder to make up for some texas library losses i guess.)

which leads me to my final thank you. THANK YOU to the buckaroos reading this. yes YOU. i am in the position to stand up and speak my mind against scoundrel forces ONLY because i have the might of you buckaroos by my side. the buckaroo trot is ALL OF OUR TROT and we are ALL HERE TO PROVE LOVE. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate the way you have created a space for me to express these important parts of myself. you have seen this pink mask over my face and saying YES, I ACCEPT YOU, you have literally saved my life. for that i am so thankful.

if you are UPSET by what youve read here, then turn it into something positive. you can support autistic creators, or make a donation to the AUTISTIC SELF ADVOCACY NETWORK

and besides WHO IS REALLY MISSING OUT? this is what it looks like when you invite the worlds greatest author chuck tingle to your event and treat their identity as valid. WE HAVE A DANG GOOD TIME

youtube

KEEP TROTTING INTO THE FUTURE. KEEP KICKING DOWN GATES WHEREVER THEY MAY BE. KEEP PROVING LOVE IS REAL AND PROVING IT TOGETHER. lets go buckaroos - chuck

UPDATE AN HOUR AFTER POSTING:

true buckaroo TJ KLUNE was set to be another author on panel chuck was removed from and has informed me he has now chosen to decline his invitation in support and solidarity with chuck. i am so deeply moved by this. thank you from bottom of heart buckaroo

to be very clear TJ has a huge platform and DOES NOT NEED TO DO THIS. these conferences are great for book sales and he is taking a hit out of pure solidarity. this is queer buckaroos standing up for eachother. i am floored by this kindness and love

please consider checking out his books if they are not already covering your dang bookshelf. chuck blurbed IN THE LIVES OF PUPPETS and i was blown away i heckin loved it

MOST RECENT UPDATE:

here is more

#love is real #chuck tingle #tingleverse #texas library association #actually autistic #lgtbqia #Youtube

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iloveyouemanuelmarco · 27 days

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I don't understand how Vivziepop still has a fanbase anymore that unironically still supports her after all the scenarios of controversy where she brushes it off as petty internet drama from "petty envious antis" atleast before she runs off into her crowd of chronically online and discourse obsessed problematic adults on any social media platform(Mostly Twitter to be specific but still)who are just a group of yes-men for her to use to attack not even only children on the interwebs who just happen to be uncomfortable with the fandom she's cultivated over her career of a wannabe artist and animator, but other adults too who by the way are somewhat consisting of survivors of abuse, rape, are LGBTQIA+, BIPOC, neurodivergent/disabled and possibly more. It honestly makes me sad as it does angry because the concept of the show isn't that crazily impossible in my opinion atleast and it could of had so much potential to do way better if not only the obvious subject matters were treated with much more care in an attempt to rework the scripts but also if Viv didn't do half of the stuff she did just a bad person in general. Like...is that really the best you can do for your fanbase???You cannot be not-joking atleast a little bit when you're telling me that apparently not only are children not being stopped from engaging with an 18+ rated show(even though the amount of vulgar language is done so poorly that it could pass of as your average failed Newgrounds animation), but that they're literally being encouraged to interact with the fandom???Are you out of your mind???Don't even get me started on the other stuff that you all probably already know about such as the blatant mockery of S.A., abusive relationship dynamics, hypersexuality in victims of said scenarios that happen irl, having other such "jokes" including some sort of rapey scene at all and having someone who actively and openly supports "non-con" fiction???!!!! What is wrong with you people??And apparently I have to share the home of the beautiful planet Earth with these idiots choosing to have the cognitive dissonance and brain function of an almost-empty and dusty old peanut...Along with the fact that the woman herself treats her animators at Spindlehorse Productions(her studio I suppose)like utter dog-dung, she has proven to drag anyone who defies her problematic and dare I say dangerous behavior through the mud and gets away with it all because of her stans/fans making her the "face of independent animation/indie animators". I honestly feel so awful for those who may have genuinely looked up to her at one point, atleast not knowing how much of a horrible person she was behind the scenes of the computer screen but its whatever anyways I guess. If any aspiring makers of cartoons or comics(LGBTQIA+/BIPOC/Disabled preferred) would like to promote the stuff they male down below in my comments section than feel free☆. It's the least anyone can do under the storm that's being made and has happened for such a long time ughh. The project should have been attempted a little more to be prevented from the confines of those echo-chambery and gross parts of fandom-centric social media communities and It's so discouraging how long this has been going on too, but hey. She's the lady that unironically made a literal pedo character that she attempted to present as a villain while just having the original character end up as a sort of "cool af bad-girl aesthetic uwu" character. Oh my fucking God please stop at once I swear to the highest Heavens and the deepest, most darkest depths of Hell(Ironic).

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autisticallyadhd · 9 months

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Being neurodivergent and messaging (my perspective. Please feel free to add your own in comments/reblogs)

1. Anxiety (GAD)

2. Studying what people like so I have a conversation starter

3. Not being able to start/continue conversations (hi how are you? Good, you? Good…)

4. Always starting the conversations.

5. Feeling like no one actually wants to talk to me or cares.

6. Talking about myself most of the time because there’s only so much small talk that can be done.

7. OR never talking about myself in case I’m boring/annoying and only asking the other person stuff.

8. Being ghosted (HURTS a lot, cause of RSD)

9. Or accidentally ghosting others and realising too much time has passed so now it would be embarrassing.

10. Trying hard to keep in touch and realising that the other person is uninterested.

11. Missing social cues EVEN when people aren’t there/face to face/irl.

12. Feeling like a failure

13. Realising that if you don’t message people, literally no one would message you at all.

#actually adhd #actually audhd #actually autistic #audhd #autisticallyadhd #autism adhd #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autism diagnosis #neurodiversity #rejection #rsd #autistic things

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pastadoughie · 8 months

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Hey creature I’m going into 10th grade any advice?

im gonna be real, ive been dropped out for a while, so i cant give much school specific advice but ill try to give some

khan academy is free and it is your friend, use it if youre having any trouble, witch i did when i was struggling alot with math, i still ended up failing but the tutorials were genuinely really helpful, and having a video, that i can pause and rewind and replay helped me alot

if you have any kind of neurodivergence, like adhd or autism you should get a 504, (you should ask your parents) this makes the school have to give you certain accomadations, like test and assignment extentions, lecture reccordings (sometimes) and tutoring (sometimes)

thats all i can give advice for highschool, but as for more general things

GET A DRIVERS LISCENSE GETONE GET ONE GET ONE

if you live in america (witch im gonna be real im just gonna assume you are, because thats where i am and im not super knowlageable on other countries) YOU NEEEEEED ONE LIKE REAL BAD. at 15 and 6 months you can start getting a learners permit, this is your first step

now, theres gonna be a state website with a manual on how to drive, i live in arizona, so for me the site is adot, but if you google your state and "driving manual" im sure itll come up theres gonna be a big manual, and youre gonna wanna read all of it, this will tell you all the basic stuff, you need to study this because youre gonna take a written test, you need to pass this in order to get a learners permit

a learners permit basically lets you drive, as long as theres some other person with a drivers lisence in the passengers seat to make sure you dont fuck up anything, after you complete this test, you need to complete a certain ammount of hours of driving (with someone else present) before youre able to apply for a full drivers liscense

at 16 you can start getting jobs witch you will like pretty much need a car to get, because public transport in america is so shitty its pretty much required unless you wanna wake up at like 4 am so you can get ready and take your bus route that takes 2 hours (when with a car it would be like, less then half the time)

i cant give advice on jobs yet, because ive been postponed a bit in getting my drivers liscense and to start applying for jobs because im waiting for my name change to process. but, i do have experience in doing commisions, (commision me btw) witch i could do a seperate post on giving advice because i feel alot more knowlageable on that topic, and i have a good way of getting commisions and i was getting a bunch even before i had any sort of following

my general advice is that being an adult is scary and alot to keep track of, and your life will be alot better if you start working on things now. instead of waiting untill youre already an adult. especially if your family sucks (like mine) and you wanna move out at 18

if i got anything wrong or you have any advice for anon (i tried my best but yaknow, only 16) please comment !!

#the beast speaks #ask #asks #anon #anonymous

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koffeinvergiftung · 1 month

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Tips for studying as a struggling adult

I often see tips for studying and building routines, but they often help me for only a day or two, but never long run. Most of them are also oriented towards students, and the schedule won't work if you have a full time job while studying.

Note: I am neurodivergent (AuDHD), and have been struggling with mental and physical health for most of my student years, to the point where I had to drop out of University to focus on myself. These tips will be a mixture of what has helped me in high school, and what helps me now.

1. Having a routine is good, but missing your 'checklist' is not the end of the world

Having a full time job means there is a 'must do' every day, no matter what other plans I might have. What I usually do is try to work my study plans around my work schedule.

Morning shift: I come home around 1.30, so at around 3 I will start with revision, or new lecture (depending on the day). During revision, I will take a break after every 'section' (for example: vocab practice - break - sentence practice - break - revision review). If I'm starting a new lecture, I will usually take a break every 45 minutes, to mimic the classroom schedule I had when I was in school. Usually I will do my Duolingo lecture on the to, during my break, or before bed.

Afternoon shift: I try to wake up around 9, and I do my Duolingo practice while having breakfast. After that I do my revision/new lecture, and I try to study until at least 11-11.30. After work I will do some more revision, and get ready for bed.

I always spend my evenings on call with my partner, so I will also use that time to ask for help with grammar or pronunciation.

This routine helps me, BUT, there will always be days when I don't feel like doing anything, especially is work has been extra tiring that day. Then I will just do my Duolingo daily quests, and if I'm feeling like it, some vocab review.

It's okay to not be okay, if you feel like you need a break, please take some time for yourself. There is always tomorrow, or even next week. Go easy on yourself ♡

2. Make your free time count

With work and studying, it's easy to forget about your hobbies and social life. To avoid the burnout, try to fine some time every day to do what you enjoy (drawing, reading, gaming etc.) Even if you spend more time on your hobbies than studying, that's okay.

Another thing I do is take a few minutes every say to tidy up around my room. Somehow ( no idea how), trash such as papers quickly acclimate in my room, so if I don't deal with trash on a daily basis, it eventually turns into a depression room. And those are nearly impossible to deal with for me.

Make sure to keep in touch with your friends, too! I try to go out at least once a week, and sometimes turn that coffee into a study session. Those often help me stay focused, and we also talk about the material while studying.

3. Mental health matters more than your studies

I often see posts that romanticise 'working until you drop', sleep deprivation, caffeine overdose and similar. Please, please, PLEASE, take care of yourself! I used to be that way in high school, and sure, passing my classes with an A, felt amazing, but you know what didn't? Suffering a complete burnout, mental breakdown, and major issues with physical health, all withing less than six months. All due to overworking myself in highschool, all due to not taking care of myself. Remember, you can always retake the exam, or redo a year; you cannot redo your life.

When I'm feeling a burnout coming, I make sure to take a day or two just for myself; no studying, to revision, just me and myself. On those days you can do whatever makes you feel happy, relaxed and content. I usually watch a few episodes of a show, spend some time playing video games, and spend some time outside. Especially if it's a nice day outside, try to catch a few rays of sunshine every day, and especially if you're not feeling well (don't forget to wear sun protection!)

These are the tips that help me now, but most of these I couldn't really implement while I was in high school. I will do another post on how I studied before (over 5 years ago 🫣), and how I raised my grades. I'm also planning on writing (and maybe illustrating) about the way I study now, including taking notes and revising.

#mine #my tips #tips #studying tips #studying #studystudystudy #study with me #studyblr #study motivation #study inspiration #neurodivergent #neurodivergent study tips

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faterpresources · 2 years

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A ᴄᴀsᴜᴀʟ ʀᴇᴍɪɴᴅᴇʀ: ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴs ɪɴ RP ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴄᴏɴsᴇᴏ̨ᴜᴇɴᴄᴇs!

If your muse is abrasive and rude, other muses might respond in kind.

If your muse throws a punch, specially in a setting that is action-centered, it might lead to a fight scene.

If your muse approaches a villain, expect them to do evil deeds.

If your muse claim another character is their rival, expect them to be aggressive.

And so on.

Please remember to always respect your roleplay partner and communicate. Certain muns don’t appreciate when you hurt their muses, and others aren’t interested in doing rivalry for example. When in doubt, don’t hesitate to message your rp partner. Maybe you could even plot something interesting!

Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ᴘʀᴇᴘᴀʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴇᴀʟ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴsᴇᴏ̨ᴜᴇɴᴄᴇs, ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ᴇɴɢᴀɢᴇ ɪᴛ.

Might even be a little of a hot take but young age or being neurodivergent aren’t excuses. They may be extenuating factors, yet they aren’t a free pass for your behavior. You never know what might afflict your partner. Remember that in the other side of the screen there is a human, with the same feelings and emotions that you do.

Iᴛ ɪs ᴏᴋ ᴛᴏ sᴀʏ "ɴᴏ" ᴛᴏ ᴀ ᴛʜʀᴇᴀᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ғᴇᴇʟ ᴄᴏᴍғᴏʀᴛᴀʙʟᴇ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ Iᴛ ɪs ᴀʟsᴏ ᴏᴋ ᴛᴏ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍɪɴᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴏᴜᴛ

Try to treat others with the kindness you wish people treat you. Don’t wish for kind people: be one. Double-check the rules when in doubt, message your partner. Roleplaying is supposed to be fun for both parts.

Sᴛᴀʏ sᴀғᴇ ᴀɴᴅ sᴛᴀʏ ʀᴇsᴘᴇᴄᴛɪғᴜʟ!

#rp psa #roleplay psa #psa #original #etiquette

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nerdnag · 1 year

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Hi! I really love your writing and art. You seem like a super awesome person!

I have a probably way too personal question below, so obviously feel free not to answer if you don't feel like it.

I'm in the beginning of the (long, expensive, scary, full of waiting) process of seeking a diagnosis as an adult for whatever my flavor of neurodivergance turns out to be (or not be). If you are comfortable answering, could I ask if you have experience in the diagnosis process (for autism or ADHD)? I'm really nervous about it, and hearing other people's experiences sometimes helps me emotionally prepare.

Sorry for the long ask, and please do not feel obligated to answer at all!

Hi! Thank you so much for your kind words 💕🙏

I'd love to talk about my experiences with seeking a diagnosis! I have had my autism diagnosis for 6 years and my ADHD diagnosis for 6 months, meaning I got both of them as an adult. I'm from Sweden so the process may differ somewhat from other countries, but I can share how it was for me at least.

(This turned into a massive post, so I'll leave it under a cut.)

The path to the two diagnoses were somewhat different for me. For the first one, i.e. autism, I was referred by a therapist I'd been going to for stress-related issues. She happened to specialize in young women with autism and ADHD and saw similar signs in me, so after maybe five or six appointments, she asked if I would be OK with her referring me for an assessment. I was pretty shocked at first, because I'd never even had the thought that I might be autistic, but when she told me more it seemed immediately likely, so I asked her to refer me.

I don't remember exactly how long it took after that, but maybe a couple of months later I was scheduled for an initial phone interview with a therapist for a first brief evaluation of whether or not I should get an assessment. During this interview they asked me to tell them about various parts of my everyday life and how my symptoms had impacted me throughout my life. I also received some forms in the mail to fill in, with lots of questions about my symptoms (standardised tests basically, which they would later refer to during the assessment). A week later or so I was informed that they would go ahead with the assessment and that I'd been placed in line to get one.

I had to wait for over a year until the actual assessment, during which I read up on autism a lot in my own time. The more I read, the more likely it seemed, but I didn't dare to hope too much in case I wouldn't actually get a diagnosis - I was cautiously hopeful. After all, even though I hadn't suspected autism before, that didn't mean I hadn't struggled a lot throughout my entire life. Getting answers would be such a relief.

So when a year had passed, I was super excited to get my first appointment for the assessment. (The very first appointment turned out to be a very negative experience, because I was forced to go through a monitored drug test, which I experienced as very violating and which I've later learned is actually illegal. I won't go into details here though since it doesn't really concern the assessment itself, but if anyone's curious I can talk more about it.)

The assessment itself consisted of a handful of appointments with a psychologist. The first appointment, we talked through my entire life from birth until the present day. This included questions about my mother's pregnancy too, as well as a lot of questions about how I acted as a child and what I struggled with throughout my life. (Needless to say, I was exhausted for the rest of that day. But my psychologist was very kind and good at asking questions.)

The following appointments, they performed some tests on me, like various IQ tests, in order to rule out other possible disorders, and we also talked more in depth about how my symptoms impact my everyday life. Also, the psychologist interviewed both my mother and my partner, without me present. I don't remember a lot of details, but as I recall, there wasn't ever really a question of whether or not I would get a diagnosis, although I was very nervous during the last appointment that they would not give me one. What I appreciate is that they offered me the diagnosis rather than simply declared it, meaning I could argue against their reasoning and also refuse the diagnosis itself if I didn't want it. But of course, I had been hoping for one, so I was very happy.

After that I got an appointment at the autism center in my city, where they offer various courses, groups and other kinds of support. All in all my experience with the assessment was mostly pleasant, and they were very kind to me thoroughout the process (excepting the drug test).

As for my path towards an ADHD assessment, it was a bit more turbulent.

The therapist that had referred me years earlier had actually written that she saw signs of both autism and ADHD in me, but for some reason, the psychologist who did the actual assessment discarded the idea of ADHD during the very first minutes of my first appointment. However, as the years passed, I felt that autism did not explain all the struggles I had, and so I started thinking that there might still be things uncovered. For example, I realized that my tendency to jump from subject to subject both in my thoughts and aloud and thus struggle not to interrupt others and to remember things, as well as my constant ticks like ripping off finger nails, chewing the inside of my cheek or twirling my hair almost obsessively weren't very well explained by the autism diagnosis.

I read up a lot on ADHD and realized that the symptoms of autism and ADHD can sometimes conceal each other, and I also talked to some people I knew who either had an ADHD diagnosis themselves or were in the process of getting one. I could relate to a lot of their issues. Problem was, none of them seemed to see the same thing I did in me, and they came with kind of strange arguments for why they didn't think I could have ADHD. I wasn't very confident at that point, so I didn't try to get a referral immediately.

In January of 2021 though, I had finally pumped myself up to call a health advisor through my work insurance, because I knew a friend of mine had gotten her assessment quickly through that very insurance. However, I had apparently called a week too late, because they'd removed that option from the insurance as of Jan 1st. I was so discouraged by this that I basically just trashed the entire idea for a while, until later that same year.

In November of 2021, I had the chance to see a psychology student at the autism center about some anxiety issues I had. At the end of a session, I mentioned to her that I thought I might have ADHD. So the next session, she gave me some forms to fill in (more standardised tests). She looked them through and handed them over to her supervisor - but her supervisor didn't think there were enough signs of ADHD for a referral. Once again, I was extremely discouraged. It felt so strange that I could see all these symptoms so clearly yet no one else seemed to believe me. I was offered a meeting with her supervisor if I wanted to ask questions about her decision, but I said no because I was just so devastated.

I remember coming home to my partner and telling him about it, and how he encouraged me to take the offer and talk to the supervisor. It took quite a bit of pep talk on his part, but finally I agreed that I shouldn't give up just yet. So the next session, I asked to speak to the supervisor.

The supervisor, who was an expert in autism but not so much in ADHD, was very kind and attentive as I explained to her why I thought I might have ADHD. She in turn told me that the results on the tests I had filled in were not very strong indicators, but that the things I told her during our meeting now had changed her mind - she did see the possibility that I might have ADHD, and she was willing to refer me.

I was so incredibly relieved, and of course I thanked her and said that I would love to get a referral. (I think I could have sent in a referral of my own, but it always weighs heavier if it comes from a therapist/psychologist etc.)

So she referred me, and just like with the autism assessment process, I had an initial phone interview. However, this time, the person I spoke to had already decided to place me in line for an assessment, and simply wanted to talk to me to get an idea of what I struggled with in my everyday life.

Next, I waited...

And waited...

And waited.

Every time I received official mail from the municipality, both my partner and I held our breaths as I opened it. I swear I have never received as many completely irrelevant letters from the municipality as I received in that year and a half.

But then finally... It came. The letter announcing that it was my turn to get an ADHD assessment. This was in July of 2022, 1.5 years after my referral. This time, they informed me in the letter itself that I would have to go through a monitored drug test. So this time I was prepared, and although I knew at this point that it's illegal to force patients to go through monitored drug tests unless there is a reason to suspect substance abuse, I went through it just so I could finally get my assessment. After that test, I got all my appointments for the assessment itself.

My first appointment was in September, and within the first minutes, I knew that the psychologist was a good one. She was very kind, clear, attentive and caring. She made clear that she was aware of the way in which autism might conceal ADHD and vice versa. And she told me I didn't have to go through the IQ tests etc again since the first set from my autism assessment was still recorded in my patient journal. So this process would go faster than the autism one. We still had the in depth interviews though, some more standardised tests in the shape of various forms to fill in, and then the psychologist interviewed my mother again (although not my partner this time; she said she'd only do so if she felt towards the end that she needed more to base her decision on). I also actually brought some books about ADHD and autism, as well as about 2E (Twice Exceptional, meaning high IQ + neurodivergence) that I had in my bookcase, and she borrowed them for a few weeks and told me afterward that she'd at least skimmed them (which is probably more than I could ask for, seeing how busy I assume she has to be). The assessment was generally very similar to the first one I went through, although they of course had somewhat different focus areas.

Throughout the assessment, it became clear that apart from my autism which compensates for some of my ADHD symptoms, the fact that I have such a good support system in the shape of a supportive partner and flexible work situation, as well as the fact that I have a high IQ, have also been huge factors in why it's been so hard for me to get an assessment/diagnosis. My life is pretty functional from an outside perspective, but that's because I have all these support systems in place and because I've tailored my life around my struggles. For example, I barely have a social life irl, because I so easily get drained if I'm not on a perfect energy level that particular day, and that energy level can swing massively from day to day. So I never know whether I'll be able to make it when the day comes. I also struggle with relationships because I suck at remembering things that people have told me about themselves, and I tend to shift between being very intense or barely present in the relationship at all. Also, even though there are many reasons why I don't want to have kids, I don't believe I would be able to take care of a kid even if I wanted, because I can only just manage to take care of myself. There are more examples, but basically, I look functional because I'm an expert at compensating and I have incredibly supportive circumstances beyond that, but it's a different story behind the veil.

But even despite the compensation, I managed to check off all the criteria needed to get an ADHD diagnosis. Apparently what my mother had told the psychologist was in line with all the things I had said about my childhood as well. I was very nervous before my last appointment, but the psychologist was confident in her diagnosis, which was an immense relief. Like with my autism diagnosis, she asked me if I was OK with the diagnosis and her reasoning for it, and I said yes. She wrote up an opinion and set the diagnosis, and said that she would send it to me within a few weeks, and if I didn't contact her with any suggested adjustments afterward, then she'd make the diagnosis official a few weeks after that.

So I received the opinion via mail eventually, and it was pretty spot on, so I didn't contact her again. After that, not much has happened so far. I've been to an initial appointment with a therapist at the psych department to talk about what kind of support I might need from them, and that therapist placed me in line for a few things, including medication (which, knowing the long waiting times, might be a year or more in the future for me, which sucks).

So there you have it. It took 1.5 years for me to get an autism diagnosis, an additional 4 years for me to come to the realization that I might also have ADHD and get a referral for that assessment, and then almost 2 years more after that to get the actual ADHD diagnosis. I've had the fortune of getting in contact with the right people along the way, including two very competent psychologists, but hopefully that is more of a rule rather than an exception.

(I should add that I barely had to pay anything for my assessments, only $20 or so per appointment, which is incredibly cheap in comparison to many other countries where health care isn't universal and mainly government-funded. I'm aware this is a huge benefit.)

I hope your path towards a diagnosis will be relatively quick and easy. I know it can be incredibly rough to have to wait for the assessment, and it can also be stressful during the process to feel like you have to "prove" your symptoms or justify why you deserve a diagnosis. But if you feel confident that something is up, then don't take no for an answer - or at least be sure to ask for their arguments for why they don't think you have autism/ADHD, so you can properly face those arguments and possibly argue against them. And while you wait, Tumblr can be a pretty good place to hang out and interact with others in similar circumstances (and relate to memes lol). I found that helped me a lot :) Also, reading about the symptoms/diagnoses, and other people's experiencs with them, might be helpful.

Hope this answer was useful to you. I'm happy to answer any follow-up questions you may have!

#Ask a nerd #A nerd nags #Adhd #Autism #Adhd assessment #Autism assessment #Leave it to this nerd to babble for hours about one of her special interests ie her NPD diagnoses #long post

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salti-thelatediagnosedautist · 1 year

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I’m currently reading ‘Unmasking Autism’ by @drdemonprince. My favourite quote from it so far is

“When you’re trapped under the mask, all love feels conditional.”

This one hit deeeep for me.

Even since primary school I was praised and even awarded for how ‘kind’ I was. However, I never felt as though I deserved the praise I got. It felt like my kindness didn’t come from a kind heart. Or a good nature. It came from a battle for survival. A desperate need for attention and acceptance.

In primary school I tried to make friends with my classmates but they all fizzled out over time. To make up for my difficulties connecting with others I started masking and people pleasing. I did have one friend all throughout my schooling, but they turned out to be neurodivergent too. I thought I was normal and people just didn’t like me, but looking back the other kids must’ve sensed I was ‘different’ somehow.

To try and connect I would change my personality to suit whoever I wanted to try and get along with.

In high school it got to the point where I was TERRIFIED of different friend groups in my life meeting each other. I masked really differently for different people and if they met I was so scared that I would be called out for ‘pretending’ or ‘lying’.

Masking inadvertently landed me in the ‘therapist’ role and into being the ‘leader’ of my main friendship group in high school. I was the one who organised events, who initiated hang outs and meet ups. No one ever invited me to anything.

I felt like I was being used. But the reality is, is that my mask was making me seem eager to be used. All my friends had social anxiety and so they were happy for me to take control, and I seemed eager to. I always had a mask of either joy or indifference. Nothing ever seemed to bother me. So why would anyone check in? But I felt like my friends didn’t care. I didn’t know that I had to express my needs for people to fulfill them.

I felt like if I did express my needs or ask for help, I wouldn’t be loved anymore. This made me really depressed obviously.

But then there are a couple of phrases I heard that helped me to break free from my mask.

“If you never express your needs, you never give others the chance to fulfill them.”

This quote made me realise that it wasn’t that my friends didn’t want to help me, it was that I never gave them the chance. If one of my friends had asked me for help, I would happily oblige. Helping those close to me is important to me, it’s important to me that they feel okay. I realised I never gave my friends or partners the chance to try and help me. I realised how damaging that was for me.

The second phrase was “Stop asking why people love you. They just do.”

Part of the reasoning for my masking was to try and give reasons for people to love me. Part of maintaining that mask was to try and focus on the parts that people did love. But this quote made me realise that I don’t love people for specific reasons. Maybe I became friends with them because we are similar, but as time passes I begin to appreciate them for who they are, even if they change. It made me realise how pointless masking was. Those who truly love me would (and did) continue to love me without the mask.

Disclaimer: Not all masking is bad. It can be a helpful tool, but for me I was masking to even my long term partner and my life-long best friend. But yeah, basically thank you Dr Price for summarising this experience for me so eloquently.

#sorry for the abrupt end tumblr deleted my first draft :#crying #autism #Dr Devon Price #Unmasking Autism #unmasking #masking #people pleasing #fawn response #autistic literature #oc

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qpoc-culture-is · 2 years

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Welcome!

qpoc-culture-is is an account for queer people of colour to share their experiences and overall hang out!

Start your culture-is asks with "QPOC/Queer POC culture is. . ." or feel free to specify, for example, "Black queer culture is. . .", "POC lesbian culture is. . ." , "QPOC system culture is. . ."

Disclaimer: you must be bodily POC to talk about your experiences as POC, this means headmates in white-bodied systems who have memories of being another race cannot make QPOC culture is asks, as they haven't lived life as QPOC in reality

We welcome all kinds of people, including but not limited to:

Any good-faith queer identity

White-passing POC

Transracial and transethnic adoptees, they are free to discuss their experiences here too

Alterhumans

People with stigmatised disabilities, mental disorders, and neurodivergencies

Systems and plurals of all origins

People who use xenogenders, neopronouns, MOGAI/LIOM labels, and more specific identities

People who are both queer and queern't

DNI

Please do not interact if you are:

Homophobic, transphobic, racist, anything similar

Queer exclusionist, bigot, and/or gatekeeper

Anti-MOGAI, anti-xenogender, anti-neopronoun

Anyone who uses the terms transracial/transethnic to describe identifying as or transitioning to a race they're bodily not, or otherwise in a non-adoptee context

Anyone who isn't bodily POC but 'identifies as' POC

Inspired primarily by @non-bi-nary-culture-is @xenogender-culture-is @queer-muslim-culture-is @lgbtqcultureis @plural-culture-is and @trans-culture-is , boosts are appreciated from anyone!

About the Owner

We are @spirimogai, a queer plural system who is biracial (black and white mixed) and a transracial/transethnic adoptee

Names: The Galactic Hemisphere / Eris / Solaris / Cosmos / Crescent Age: 16 Pronouns: they/them and space neos Race: biracial - black (afro-caribbean) + white (welsh) Religion: celtic pagan buddhist

Gender: non-binary, kenic + xenic Sexuality: abrosexual, gay/cinthean, demisexual, hyperromantic Other: twinkby, aldernic, transvestite, drag queen/king/thing Alterhumanity: spiritual and psychological alterhuman

#queer #mogai #culture is #liom #qpoc #queer poc #lgbtq #poc lgbtq #lesbian #gay #bi #pride #mogai safe #liom safe #poc

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safefort · 1 year

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What it’s like to be the only neurodivgent person

* listening to jazz music*

Brother: this is so relaxing, makes me feel like it’s Christmas

Brothers gf: it makes me feel like getting cozy, this is really nice music

Mother: this music reminds me of Christmas

Me: this music makes me feel like I’m on a whimsical adventure

#autism #autistic adult #actually autistic #learning disability #love #neurodivergencies #neurodivergent #autistic feels #entrapta #autistic women #neurodiversity #tumblr memes #autistic memes #if youre neurodivergent please feel free to pass this on #memes #different #family #this is so funny #real life

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lady-laureline · 4 months

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Do you feel like you live life at a distance? Are your experiences somehow second-hand? This is me and I want to talk about it, not as some mysterious burden of mine to bear, but as a maladaptive side-effect of the efforts my body has made to protect me over time.

I am part of the late-diagnosed neurodivergent community, so much of my life has been spent in survival mode*. Very early on, my mind created a filter between me and all that was too intense. While I don't doubt that I am better off than I would have been without the protection of my dissociative tendencies, my ability to be truly intentional about my decisions got lost somewhere along the way.

These days, we face a number of problems that are as complicated as they are urgent. Upon finding some morsel of useful information, the temptation to pass it into someone more capable, someone less likely to be misunderstood, is undeniable. Even if I could quantify the sway I hold as a semi-shut-in still working through burnout after four fucking years, and internalise that it is not nothing, trusting myself to get any message across to the very world I've been trying and failing to please isn't exactly a challenge I welcome with open arms.

Here's the thing, though - I've tried doing nothing, too. I've tried shrinking into the walls and keeping my mouth shut, and I knew it was the wrong move even when I felt I had no other choice. I can excuse the self-flagellation, but I draw the line at making it a point of pride. My instincts have a greater agenda than protecting me, which is to (eventually) have me thrive. And in some ways, my experience with rejection** is an advantage, because it's not new to me. I fear it, but I know it well. It cannot shock me with novelty it doesn't possess.

So if you want to take anything away from this, I would like it to be a dare. I dare you to find your sway in whatever circumstances you may be stuck in, and risk rejection to do something with it. Not in a way that harms anyone else, mind you - but if you find that simply existing as you are sparks offense?

Let them fume.

*If you can't relate to this, dear reader, I understand the distaste such a dramatic-sounding statement may provoke. Please feel free to do a quick search on the term as used in the field of psychology.

**Another common thread within the disabled community you are welcome to verify on your own.

#tl;dr - be yourself #i parse because i must #let them fume #do your thing #live your life #i dare you #audhd #disability #ramblepost

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serpentandthreads · 2 years

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Woodland Folk Discord Server

The Woodland Folk is an 18+ only, educational and casual community dedicated to folk magic and folk practitioners. This server's goal is to build a community for folk practitioners to feel safe in, as well as help those who are interested in folk magic find good resources. There are many types of folk magic across the world, so this server does not have resources on all of them. We hope that those who have knowledge and experience in their practices are willing to join the Woodland Folk server to help expand our library's resources.

♧ The following are just a few things we offer in the Woodland Folk server. ♧

➳ We offer a variety of self-assignable roles for magic and mundane things, including but not limited to: pronouns, DM preferences, bipoc, neurodivergency, systems, astrology and religious roles.

➳ There is a calendar channel that the staff updates at the end of every month to keep people notified about holidays, moon phases and future server events. If you want holidays from your religion or culture to be added to the calendar please let the staff know.

➳ We have a server library where staff, librarians and book reviewers post resources for the server's members. We are always happy to accept new librarians and book reviewers, so please feel free to apply for those roles!

➳ Weekly discussion and challenge events take place on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

➳ Although we do not allow trauma dumping, we do have designated channels for mental health resources and mental health discussions. You can only access these channels by self-assigning the chat pass role.

#witchblr #witchcraft #folk magic #folk witch #folk witchcraft #folk catholicism #witch community

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t0bybloo · 1 year

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Wow ☆（ーー；）- 🐏

. . . Toby — he/it/em + neos (🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿)

neurodivergent + ADHD + BPD + OLD

(all affect how I communicate and make friends)

╰ https://en.pronouns.page/@Tobybloo

~minor (-18)~ . . . XNFJ 2w3 . . . *Host of the system*

♡Other hearted♡

📞ꜝꜝ.°•`Queer + trans 🏳️‍⚧️ `°.•

#artist

. .💌) use tone indicators /srs !

╰ https://instagram.com/t0bybloo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= ☆

・

DNI:

- BASIC DNI CRITERIA

- Under 13

- DSMP FANS/STANS/SUPPORTERS (id rather follow someone knowing the consequences than someone following me and being surprised to see it, I like to have my triggers under control)

- ANTI XENO/NEO

- PROSHIP , lolicon, shotacon etc

ANTI-THERIAN + SIMILAR TERMS

DNI KINK ( especially MIK + variants )

Sexualise nuns (their whole purpose is to stay pure and holy)

Anti-religion

Anti-irl-yan (irl-yan is to be used by people with BPD/OLD only)

Orion defenders (Kwite controversy)

Anti-self diagnosis

Scott cawthon defenders

Vivziepop supporters

Rebecca sugar supporters

miHoYo supporters (company of genshin)

Pro-life ( and shoving it in my throat)

Demo systems (you can’t try out a system)

Tulpa systems (you’re not a system so dont categorise your shit with a disorder when it’s no where near that, “coping” isn’t an exception either.

Harass kids due to being controversial instead of just educating them

Give a shit about small things than actual struggles such as current trans genocide

Have eddsworld on your profile and / or talk about it (triggers us since we have introjects)

ANIYAH MILLER SUPPORTERS DNI!!!! /srs

INFACT If you follow things considered controversial don’t even bother following me. Ask if you’re unsure

・

BYF:

I’m ACAB/1312

I believe in educated self-dx

You cannot claim to not support someone yet support them financially + socially (eg: dream)

I hate the queen and I’m more than happy of her passing

I side with Ukraine in the war

Intersex individuals should decide if their intersex label is apart of the LGBTQ community or not , don’t force them

Believe in heavily that if it doesn’t effect others then it’s valid (such as xenogenders)

I have disorders and stuff so please don’t take advantage of me, I have friends who will attack you :3 /hj

I struggle to notice what’s wrong and what’s right so please educate me , don’t argue with me

I tend to accidentally over share so just tell me if I’m over sharing :3

I’m neutral on mspec-gays/les and lesboys etc so don’t force me to debate on something that’s not that serious please :-). But feel free to follow

~~~

Tags are my interests / trying to meet new ppl :3

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thewhitefluffyhat · 2 years

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Thoughts on Harrow the Ninth

Similar to my post on Gideon the Ninth, this is a questionably organized collection of impressions, opinions, and a recounting of my experience in reading this book!

Note: This post also includes marked sections where I compare certain Harrow the Ninth plot elements with first the When They Cry series and then Madoka Magica: Rebellion, because that’s just the way my brain works. Those sections do contain spoilers for the other stories, so feel free to skip or read them accordingly!

After finishing GtN, a few months passed. For various reasons, I found I had to go on a long family roadtrip and needed something to do in the car… and I thought “hm. why not.” and bought HtN.

(So yes, there was Poster Child For A Liberal City Girl aka Me casually wandering around some deep red rural parts of the country with “the necromancers are back, and they’re gayer than ever” emblazoned on the book I refused to put down. Probably made for an amusing picture!)

Anyway, it was a good thing I wasn’t called on to help drive during that trip, because I started the book in the morning and was only barely able to put it down for meals and checking into the hotel. Oh, we had to get up early to drive the next day? I didn’t care, I just waited for everyone else in the room to fall asleep and then stayed up until 2am curled up on the tiny bathroom counter to finish it.

Like a Smart Person, I’d also neglected to take my copy of Gideon the Ninth with me on the trip, and I didn’t have internet access either. And as mentioned, I’d marathoned GtN over the course of a single night several months prior. In other words: my memory of the events in that book was extremely unreliable, which, I have to say, only enhanced the surreal atmosphere of HtN. I was just as confused and uncertain as Harrow, and it was delightful.

And after finishing, I continued my tradition and proceeded to gush incoherently about it to my younger brother the next sleep-deprived morning. (I do wonder what his secondhand impression of these books is, haha.)

Luckily I had brought other books with me to read; I don’t know how I would have staved off my cravings to dive into fandom analysis otherwise. But first things first: my thoughts on the book!

I Swear This Book Was Made To Appeal Directly To Me??

-Yeah, so remember that “I’m a sex-averse-ish ace” thing I mentioned in the previous post? And how I really wanted Less Swords More Bones Please And Thank You? Needless to say, Harrow won me over as a protagonist instantaneously. And that’s without getting into a whole bunch of other really weird, really specific things about her/HtN that were precisely my thing.

-For example, I am neither neurodivergent nor mentally ill (afaik), but I still related so hard to Harrow’s food sensitivities, her touch-shyness, her obsessions, her completely broken sleep schedule… I mean, oh gosh, the thing with John’s tea and biscuits? I have never before read something that so perfectly captures the feeling of someone giving you food and you would like to eat it to please them but you just. Cannot. And the sheer uncomfortableness and background radiation of polite disappointment that entails. Especially when they keep trying! Gah!

-Another random, tiny moment that stood out to me: Gideon’s response to waking up in Harrow’s body. See, even relatively tame and mainstream anime (Shinkai’s “Your Name” springs to mind) still feel the need to kick off their body switching plots by having one character immediately and nonconsensually grope their love interest’s body when the switch happens.

But instead of doing that, Gideon keeps apologizing, desperately trying to protect Harrow’s body, and even declaring she’ll take showers fully clothed. Is it over-the-top and did I laugh? Absolutely. But the point is also that she’s determined to be considerate of Harrow’s privacy, even to an absurd degree. It’s a strong way to show that Gideon genuinely cares about Harrow, serving as a welcome contrast after an entire book of every other character ignoring and often actively trying to erode Harrow’s boundaries.

-Last but the opposite of least: I actually really love Second Person POV! If anything, that’s often the most natural POV for me to write fanfic in, for whatever reason. But it’s specifically second person where the “you” is a defined, in-universe character. Second person where “you” is meant to be You The Reader, You The Self-Insert makes me instinctively roll my eyes. (A bias that is definitely not related to my thoughts on Frisk vs Chara vs The Player in Undertale, what are you talking about, ahaha.)

So reading a whole book in that POV? YASSSS. And then the reveal of Gideon as the first person narrator on top of it? Incredible. Genius. Honestly I would recommend this book just for the utter brilliance of that twist.

I’m admitting my own ignorance here, but this is definitely the first long-form genre work I’ve read in First Person Direct Address POV. Heck, this is the first time I’ve ever run across that term! *narrows eyes at my creative writing teachers* And oooh boy I am dying to give it a spin myself in fanfic, it’s so good.

Harrow the “Unreliable” Narrator

Backing up a bit, though, I think I can pinpoint the exact scene when I knew I would love this book: the conversation between Harrow and Ortus, with the wham line of “You see, I am insane.”

Because my first thought on reading that was: oh hell yes this is going to be a RIDE

Quickly followed by the second thought: hang on, was this… was this true for Harrow during GtN as well? She was potentially dealing with hallucinations and unreality this whole time and we (Gideon, the audience) had no idea? oh, Harrow… TT_TT

And indeed, the rest of the book lived up to the dual promises of that moment - of the free-fall into the depths of horror and paranoia that comes with a narrator who’s not just unreliable, but knows they can’t even trust themselves. And of Harrow being a wonderfully compelling protagonist, equal parts heartbreaking meow meow balanced out by raw, unrelenting determination.

Then there was the final payoff to all the narrative shenanigans: the dawning reveal that actually, Harrow was right all along. And oh, I loved it when I read it and I still love the concept now! The idea of presenting the reader with the hoary old trope of an "insane," unreliable narrator, and then having the twist be that they were perfectly reliable where it counted? Beautiful. Amazing. I couldn’t be completely certain until I read the note from the author at the end, but threading throughout the fantasy trappings, this read like a book that came from a very personal place, and had some very sharp things to say about people who get dismissed as “insane.”

(On that note - are there any moments where Harrow outright hallucinates? I certainly took the “a few out-of-order bumps in the temporal gyrus that might have been there already” line as leaving open the interpretation that she’s genuinely schizophrenic in addition to the wacky supernatural nonsense she has to deal with…)

Harrow Would Make a Great When They Cry Character, Prove Me Wrong

An unreliable narrator? A fantasy-infused murder mystery in that lovely mindscrew “is it magic? Is it mundane? Is it a hallucination?” mode? There’s a surprising amount of Harrow the Ninth that reminds me of the best parts of When They Cry novels.

(Look, just because I’m not actively participating in the fandom doesn’t mean my WTC brainworms have gone away. :P)

To the first point, I would absolutely argue that Harrow gives Rena and Shion and other WTC characters a run for their money at Best Unreliable Narrator. In particular, if you enjoyed moments like Rena trying to logic through her paranoia in Tsumihoroboshi and only digging herself deeper, or Rika dissociating and wishing to erase part of herself in Saikoroshi - this book is for you.

Meanwhile, Harrow’s internal conflict - that “Is somebody trying to kill her? And if they succeeded, would the universe be better off?” from the summary blurb still haunts me! - evokes some of my favorite When They Cry character beats. “Why was I born?”/“I’m sorry for being born.” are lines that keep recurring throughout the WTC series, and for good reason. The regret and tragedy of a monstrous existence sure makes for some excellent character drama!

After Higurashi Sotsu left me hanging with its poorly-written antagonist, I was desperately craving something that did a complex, Beatrice-like character well, and I found that in Harrow. Though it’s perhaps less surprising of a jump than you might think; both Umineko and The Locked Tomb series are heavily influenced by gothic literature. Something something kids messed up by the crime of their conception, something something continuing the cycle of violence by taking it out on the only other person who might have helped them instead.

If only, I were… Never born to begin with at all; More smiles may have blossomed, But we'll never know now

If only, I were… Able to cease my own breath, Maybe some could have lived on?

Surely, even these feelings Will soon lose their form— But can we walk on ahead As if nothing ever happened?

(Umineko’s “hope” is too soft and peaceful of a song to truly fit Harrow’s gremlin energy, and yet… hm.)

Finally, here’s some mood whiplash: in other WTC news, Ianthe has managed to steal the title of Best Worst Girl from Furudo Erika. Which is no mean feat! I love her. I can’t wait to see her get worse. I especially love that the fandom is entirely on board with her being The Absolute Worst. <3

Dream Bubble AUs, Unburying Your Gays, and PMMM: Rebellion

The Madoka Magica: Rebellion parallels are much much more tenuous, but boy oh boy do I have Feels about them. Homura dreamt of a world where she and Madoka could both live cheerful lives as magical girls - not one where she stole and sealed away Madoka’s powers. Harrow dreamt of worlds where Gideon had comparatively more freedom and power - not ones where she was the shackle binding Gideon to the Ninth. In both cases, idyllic fanfic-influenced dream AUs are used as a clever means of portraying the more equal dynamic a character actually wants from a relationship vs the deeply broken and possessive dynamic they had with that person in reality.

It’s just such a fascinating storytelling device that accomplishes so many things at once!

-By contrasting these happier universes with the characters’ reality, it deftly underlines how strongly the characters have been warped by their traumas into their current selves, without the result feeling maudlin or unearned. -Because the setting is a character’s mindscape, any setting details are also implicitly characterization details. So it’s a rich opportunity to explore the dreamer’s unfiltered and most heartfelt desires - and a whole lot of other amusing quirks besides. (Was Homura a fan of magical girl shows? Was Harrow thinking of Pal’s ridiculous novel when she came up with that Ball AU? Why are both of them so fond of coffee??) -By specifically invoking fanfiction tropes, it also becomes a sweet and positive way to acknowledge the power of transformative fandom, and the value of sharing and reimagining stories to grapple with our own identities. -And finally, by giving the audience a taste of “what could have been,” it makes a fraught relationship that much easier to root for - an implied preview of “what might yet be.”

I also have even MORE Feels about disaster lesbians spectacularly rejecting the idea of a Bury Your Gays so hard they shatter their own minds and even reality itself in the process. Because, look. In both HtN and Rebellion, the main character arc seems to be heading toward a conclusion where the protagonist finally faces reality, regains their memories, and bittersweetly accepts their love interest’s heroic sacrifice. But in a last minute twist, the protagonist says “screw that” to the obvious ending and doubles down on rejecting their love interest’s death as the world collapses around them.

After so, so many stories where lesbians are killed off for tragedy, it’s an incredibly striking and resonant choice! To have a character put their foot down, tell the rest of the universe to go to hell, and say No. To look at a neat and perfect heroic sacrifice and refuse it in favor of a messier, more imperfect conclusion - but one in which their love interest has a chance to live. That was the powerful moment of catharsis that made me love Rebellion despite its problems, and it’s executed just as, if not more beautifully, in HtN.

(“There’s a difference between keeping a shred of a dance card,” said Harrow Nonagesimus, and saving the last dance.” - MY HEART. “It’s love!” all over again!)

Now, I’d like to say that the difference that puts HtN ahead is that Rebellion portrays this reversal of expectations in a negative light while HtN is more triumphant. But if I’m being honest… they’re both extremely ambiguous and nigh-incomprehensibly symbolic in their cliffhanger endings! (And in both cases the love interest is not a fan of having their own choices overwritten…) But I made peace years ago with the ambiguity in the last act of Rebellion, so it’s not like I minded it much in HtN either.

Still, it does make me wonder: will Nona+Alecto pan out better than the upcoming Rebellion sequel? My money is currently on the former, but with neither out yet, who can say?

Speaking of which…

Concerns for the Sequels?

As much as I’m invested in Griddlehark (and I am VERY invested), I could just as easily see it not happening. Of course, Muir’s writing has been strong enough that I’d like to think that whatever happens instead will at least be interesting. Plus, it’s not like Gideon and Harrow need to be in a romantic relationship with each other to be lesbians! Though whether the books will stay the course in not shoving them at male love interests at the last minute is something I sincerely hope but just cannot bring myself to trust after so many bad experiences with other authors.

However, it’s not shipping that’s my main concern.

No, the aspect that actually gives me pause is the Christian slant of the books. And I’m not talking about the Spoopy Space Catholicism worldbuilding or Bible allusions. Those are cool! Rather, it’s in the subtle little things, like how Muir describes Gideon forgiving Harrow so quickly as the moment Gideon “achieves grace.” When I read it, I personally found Gideon’s trauma being resolved so neatly and easily to be odd and underwritten. And if major plot and characterization beats are going to be resting on a religious rather than character-driven base, then, well… I’m worried that the final result may resonate with Christian audiences but I’ll simply find it alienating and unsatisfying.

Of course, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with writing books shaped by one’s religion. But that would be a signal that these books are fundamentally not for me, and I should find another fandom.

It’s also why I’m perhaps less on board with “flowers will die on necromancy’s grave” (although that certainly is a nicely poetic turn of phrase!) than it appears most of the fandom is. I’m very wary of themes of restoring the world/society/people back to some inherently “natural'' or “divine” order. One of the few things that could still completely ruin the series for me would be a swerve where now that False Idol John has been killed and the River is Fixed™, everyone abandons their witchcraft to go back to worshiping Real Christian Jesus as they were intended to. Or a conclusion where everyone dies and that’s portrayed as a happy end, because they’re With God so it’s all good, right?

I have no particular love for Christianity, so to me, an ending along those lines would read as though the series abandoned its anti-imperialist themes and replaced one empire with a return to another, even crueler one. No thank you!

(Not that I think those things are especially likely to happen. Like with the queerness, I've just been burned from some very weird prior experiences, haha.)

I'm also surprised by how universally the fandom assumes John will be the endgame villain. I'm a cynic, and I could quite easily see the series doing a disappointing swerve in the opposite direction, valorizing and "redeeming" God and his empire once we have more insight into his motives. A similarly universally-reviled character got that treatment in my last fandom, and hoo boy did it ever set the discourse (and the story in general) on fire! Another development I'm not keen to experience a repeat of!

Fandom and Future Things

Well that was dire, let’s go back to talking about fun things instead!

So, new obsessions tend to sneak up on me slowly. I don’t just finish something and immediately know it will consume the next few years of my life. The true story is, when I got internet access again, I read through the #tlt tags on some blogs that I remembered had occasionally posted about it, and then I went about my business.

And that could have been the end of it.

But the beginning signs were already there. In between assembling IKEA furniture, I spent the rest of the trip daydreaming the threads of what would become only the first of many, many fic ideas.

Since then, I’ve read a lot more analysis, and even more fanfic. So much fanfic. This is also the first time I’ve felt comfortable going through a fandom tag with the blanket policy that yes, I will be reading explicit fics too. (Honestly: the porn has been less weird than I expected.)

Of course, I’m quite late to the party on this fandom. And I’m not sure how much I’ll both be able and want to contribute. I probably won’t be writing weekly analysis posts and committing myself to a long fanfic like I did for Higurashi, at the very least. That was exhausting.

However, I now have 25 pages of saved fanfic links to convert into bookmarks, oodles of tumblr posts to reblog, and some 150-odd pages of post ideas and fanfic plot bunnies of my own. I doubt much of the latter will ever see the light of day, but the point is: I’ve been having fun.

So yes, I think it’s safe to say I liked HtN. I actually liked it even more than GtN, following the exact same pattern as my feelings for Higurashi/Umineko and PMMM/Rebellion. The first work interested me, but the follow up stole my heart and then ate my brain.

In conclusion: GtN intrigued me, but HtN inspired me. And oh. It feels so nice to be excited and hopeful and creative again.

#the locked tomb #harrow the ninth #harrowhark nonagesimus #when they cry #pmmm #madoka magica #rebellion #higurashi #umineko #tlt analysis #my ramblings #my tlt stuff #read more #tbh #I should probably have made those sections their own posts #oh well #there is no separating anime analysis from literary analysis in my head #all fiction goes through the same thoughtsfeels blender

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