Small Realizations

I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts out somewhere to maybe look back one day.

When I become a parent (or if I do), hopefully I learn from some mistakes my parents made. My parents are good people, they genuinely love me, and they definitely provided for me. I can’t truly complain that much, since I know other people had it much worst. But my parents are human and they tbh have made some mistakes with me. OBVIOUSLY I am my own person, and I can always ‘fix’ these mistakes they made, but I feel like how a person is raised has a huge impact on their life lol. It shapes their world around them, what they believe in, what they value, what they like/dislike, and etc. I’m definitely not saying my parents are bad parents, I’m just saying that they’re human. We all make mistakes, have moments of anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Also, it’s genuinely hard raising a kid. Kids are tough, they’re their own person at the end of the day, they might not listen to you, each need to be taught differently, and etc etc etc. 

But somethings I promise myself that I would do differently than my parents: I would never hit my kid. Honestly I disliked being hit so much as a kid, and I personally idk would never hit my kid. I’d ground them, scold them, etc all before hitting them. I could see maybe just MAYBE spanking them at a LAST CASE scenario. But I don’t think it should be the first or even second option when it comes to punishment. I personally (I’m not saying spanking is bad/good) just would not do it myself. 

I think it’s good to be able to be friends with your kids. You’re more likely to actually know who they are as a person. I have some friends who could tell their parents anything and are good friends with them. Honestly I love my parents, but I can’t say their my friends. It’s just they valued respect (which I understand), being in idk a high superior position (I called them guys once, just as a short way to refer to both of them and I got heavily scolded and yelled at, saying they’re not my friends/etc can’t address them that way), and I’d like it if my kids can genuinely talk to me about their faults/mistakes/problems. I was so scared of failure or telling my problems to my parents, since I KNEW I’d get punished/hit/etc. Like I legit feel bad about this, but if I ever got into trouble at school or struggled, I hated to even tell them. Since they’d criticize me/etc/etc. When all I would like is maybe a gentle conversation where they just go, well we could do x and x to help you fix your problem. Like if I do bad in math, I got scolded, blah blah blah, then eventually I get my tutor to help me succeed. But I wish I was able to just talk to them about my idk problems without getting in trouble. I legit got in trouble for the most ridiculous things that I don’t even wanna write about them. 

A huge thing that deserves it’s own paragraph is something I realized as I got older. I’m decently well off, and I came to realize that fk money. I don’t disagree that money can bring happiness, I think it could (at least temporarily). I don’t disagree that money would help someone’s standard of living, possibly have less stress, and etc. But fk, I never want to raise a kid where I make them think money is everything or it’s important to be rich or wealthy. I think my parents did a lot of thing well in raising me (besides uh spoiling me/other stuff I listed above), and this is a big stereotype but I think some white ppl parenting methods are pretty smart. I think it’s important to just let the kid do what they want (in terms of career choices) and just let them be happy with whatever they pick. Since, it’s their life at the end of the day. I am NOT saying that a parent shouldn’t try to inspire kids to dream big or to push them to succeed/have high aspirations. I wanted to be a doctor for the longest time tbh. Even up to 2nd year in college and somewhat 3rd year, I really wanted to be a doctor. But did I really want to be a doctor, since I LOVED to help people? Since I saw myself slaving the next 8 years of my life at school, studying, cram studying till early mornings, possibly making tons of sacrifices, and etc just to become a doctor? Honestly no, but I was stubborn and kind of willing to do it for the $$$. The reason why is, my parents genuinely wanted me to be wealthy (understandable), being a doctor has prestige/they can flex/I can flex, and yeah. I realized far too late that my motives were retarded. I’ve obviously read that someone won’t succeed at becoming a doctor unless they’re truly passionate about it or motivated. I’m genuinely not, and it took me far too long to realize that. I really wouldn’t be happy being a doctor. I talk about career passion and hobby passion, how they can be separate, and etc. But honestly giving up that many years + god knows how many sacrifices (relationships, friendships, sleep, stress, mental/physical health in general, etc) of my life to school/late shifts just for some $$$, I would genuinely question if I really made this 1 life of mine in this world amazing. I guess around this point in my life, I realize that yes, I enjoy money. Would it be nice to have money? Yeah, ofc. But I realized that I could be genuinely happy with less. Hypothetically, if I had only a decent 1 bedroom apartment (like I do rn), have a good relationship with a sweet SO, enough money to go on vacations now and then, treat myself to nice food here, and hang out with friends on the weekend with a stable job. I think I could genuinely be really happy. I don’t think I need a mansion, a huge house, lavish furniture, or whatever the fk I would do with the money. The most I could see myself using a bunch of $$$ is on dumb material things. Yeah, I loved fashion, but honestly I don’t need a wardrobe full of Saint Laurent. I bought my grailed Robert Geller sweater, and I legit wore it once (partially since it was summer) and I was happy for like 2 minutes TOPS after I got it. Idk, I hope I find a SO with a similar view. Being in a social media position where I meet a lot of models nowadays, shot with an actress recently, popular IGers too, and etc. Holy fk, I grew to hate gold diggers, juice diggers, and people who only give a fk about being popular. Yes, it’s nice having followers and etc, but ppl who make it their lives geez... I’m not saying I would hate being wealthy, but I just realize that I don’t need it. My parents still want me to do something in the medical field/etc, but fk man... I kind of just want a stable job that pays alright, and I’ll be really happy. If it’s enough $$ to pay bills, get me my own place, able to afford a cute dog, some spending $$ to hang out with friends on weekends, and occasional vacation on holidays then I’m truly content/happy. Maybe some people aspire more, which is perfectly fine. I would too (after I at least have what I just asked for). But idk I just realized that’s all I really need nowadays. But back to the whole parenting thing. I don’t want to push my kids towards any jobs just for the sake of money. I’d aspire them to dream big ofc, but at the end of the day, I just want them to be happy. I shadowed a doctor last year, and he after making huge sacrifices with his wife for his monetary success, doesn’t even want his kid to be a doctor (unless he for some reason wants to). His kid might major in psych and be clueless about what he wants to do (according to the doctor), but he just wants his son to be happy. Honestly I think that’s what I would want to (maybe not the clueless part). If my kid has good aspirations, doesn’t want to be some degen and not work, is honest/kid, then who the fk cares what career my kid chooses. If he/she wants to become a doctor, cool. If she wants to be an artist, I’d support that. If she wants to be idk an actress, go for it. A teacher? Sure, go for it. Idk, I just know that I would be a lot happier right now, if I didn’t waste so much time wanting/chasing after a career path that I ultimately would not be happy doing.

It’s at least good I realized now before med school or something, since then it might genuinely be too late. I do truly respect doctors after knowing how hard it is to become one. I can’t imagine idk what sacrifices I might have to make in the future to become one. Since while I’m young, I really just want to be able to travel the world, live a life with minimal stress for a while, hang out with friends, spend time with a SO, and etc. If I was in med school/doing residency training/etc, I’m sure you can live a decently balanced life. But it would be hard to find time to vacation, spend time with a SO when studying for INCREDIBLY hard med school exams that determines how good of a job you’ll get as a doctor, spending time with friends/family when studying most of your days away, and so much more. 

While I’m still young. I do want to go to concerts and shows with friends. I want to travel to places and enjoy them. I want to be a degen lol for a bit and be as carefree as long as I could. I don’t see myself happy slaving away the next years of my life in school/studying/etc. I could be stubborn, push myself, and etc but at what cost tho? Idk, you really do only live once. I’ve spent honestly my whole life always wanting to be older, thinking it’ll be better. Like omg how cool would hs be, how cool would it be to have a car and drive, going to college, being 21, and etc. I’m finally at a point in my life, where I’m content and don’t necessarily want to get any older haha. I am tired of always chasing a brighter future. If I was in med school, I’d be chasing the future where I’m finally an intern at a hospital, then I’d be chasing finally finishing residency, I’d then chase idk finishing specialized training, then before I know it I’m 30+ years old, and been constantly chasing the future my entire youth. Fk that. This girl I have a date with next week wrote this, “I was so scared not being able to do everything I want in my life that I couldn't be happy about the current achievements I was making. (Like getting yoga certified) I'm taking a break from hobbies and life goals/dreams to train my mind to be content with where I am in the PRESENT. Funny how life goals, as motivating as they are, can make you discontent with who you are. One step at a time” on her recent ig post. I realized that’s so true. I’m so scared of not achieving being a doctor, letting my parents down, not being wealthy, etc etc. I always want to be this amazing perfect dude, no flaws/imperfection, and was never happy with success. Any success I’ve had, Idk if I really took the time to appreciate it THAT much (i obv appreciated to an extent), and I was always focused on these life goals/dreams of mind like being a doctor. I always chased the future, and never just lived in the present. I do want to be a better me, I will always strive to be a better version of me, but all these goals sometimes can make me discontent with who I am. Like fk, I am not insanely ripped/fit, so I’m unhappy with myself. I’m not a successful wealthy boy at just 21, so I’m not happy with myself. I’m not a doctor blah blah, and when I think about how I haven’t achieved certain goals, I’d just feel sad. What’s the point in being sad about what I don’t have? I have goals, but I can’t endlessly chase after them/endlessly chase after the future.

My plans to make the present better and be more present: don’t stress about what might happen ALL the time. If things doesn’t work out, it doesn’t (kind of thinking about uh my upcoming date primarily when writing this). It’s okay if you’re not where you want, as long as you’re at least trying, then it’s okay. Don’t constantly think about the future, just take things one day at a time. You’ll be a lot happier, more productive, and more likely to have a beautiful future too. Just fking live your life Theo. Go work out, go hang out with friends, go to those concerts/clubs, go and spend time on your hobbies (who gives a fk if you’re not good, just do it for fun and for yourself), don’t go wild and not give a fk about responsibilities/school work, but I can’t live my life/plan my career for other ppl, and just do whatever I love. I don’t really believe in reincarnation or anything, so this is my one and only life. Why the fk waste time thinking about the future all the time, stressing about ‘succeeding’, and why not just make sure that I’m happy. If I have family, friends, and wonderful memories, then I think I’d be happy with the time I spent in this world. :)