i dont like those defintions of being a gay man that hold ‘lack of attraction to women’ over ‘attraction to men’ bc like. yeah i consider myself a gay dude but the kind of ppl i hang around are too genderweird for me to be all into fluid ideas of gender and non-conformity and then draw the line at me possibly liking a man who is also a woman. like the fact that im into men feels a bit more important to me than the fact that those men may be also a variety of other things
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Y'know now that I'm seeing a small handful of ppl actually giving a shit abt oni lore it's making it so much harder to not become a nerd emoji every five seconds anytime I see someone talk abt oni because I forget that every source of oni information is comically outdated
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hi, fully optional atla meta question: hypothetically, how would the rest of the gaang react if they somehow found out how very damaged and mentally ill sokka is? (also please know that I am asking this because you have the very bestest sokka takes thank you)
im so sorry, but something about the phrasing of this ask is just really funny to me??? idk why but i can’t stop picturing them all in therapy a la that one sunny episode. “the gaang gets analyzed.” aang being like “i was frozen in an iceberg for an entire century.” “that’s not possible.” “well first of all through the avatar spirit all things are possible, so jot that down.” azula constantly spouting that she graduated top of her class at the royal fire academy for girls so there’s no way some two bit shrink will be able to get through to her. toph insisting that she is impenetrable vault while spitting peanut shells at her therapist with utmost hostility, five minutes later she’s sobbing about her mommy. zuko doesn’t even need five minutes, he starts sobbing about his mommy in under five seconds. katara willingly recounts the entire story of her life but it’s the most biased narrative you’ve ever heard. ty lee somehow gets her therapist to open up to her. mai just does a little comedy bit to amuse herself until their time is up, and then afterwards she’s like “hm…. maybe i should’ve actually brought up my pervading existential dissatisfaction and constant unending misery.” suki doesn’t realize what the purpose of a therapy session is and keeps treating it like a first date. sokka keeps insisting that he doesn’t need therapy because he’s too smart for it. his therapist is like “i am perfectly willing to acknowledge that you’re a genius but that’s also totally irrelevant to the project of cognitive behavioral therapy.” sokka basically just treats it like a game to be won and somehow manages to describe every single facet of his life truthfully while passing himself off as perfectly well-adjusted and happy. katara and zuko come out of their sessions like “wow i feel so refreshed, like so many of my emotional burdens have been lifted, and i can finally navigate my feelings in a healthier way. isn’t therapy great?” and sokka’s just like “maybe for you normies. while you’re working on developing healthier coping mechanisms or whatever, i’m playing psychological pai sho with a guy who thinks i’m so mentally stable i don’t even need therapy.” so basically he is a lost cause.
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Penalty Box Series— Imagines Edition: Best Friend Number Twos
request: “Sissy and Cole! Okay so, Cole just goes dibs one day? Like rocks up to the lake house of even to Anaheim and is basically like *scoop up sissy* "I'm borrowing this. Mental health day bye." And everyone is like can he do that? That's an option?”
warnings: cursing, we*d (underage)
word count: 1.3k
SERIES MASTERLIST
a/n: when i tell y’all idk timeline of their life, i mean that shit. ik alex lived with them at some point (from what i put together from context clues) and trevor said he lived with them at one point (idk if that’s separate from the 5 weeks) but this is DIY timeline so trevor isn’t living with them but he visits a lot bc he’s dating sissy (duh) during NTDP days
ps i high key hate this and i am so sorry but every time i hate something it does well soooo here it is :) lmk what you think (i wrote in inebriated)
— — — — —
Sunday afternoons tended to be the calmest of all the days of the week. It was mainly spent with catching up on homework assignments, running errands, or just relaxing on the couch with your boyfriend, Jack, and Luke. Today was one of those days.
“Sissy, I love you, and if you weren’t Quinny’s entire world, you’d be mine. But I am—“
“Why can’t I be both of your entire worlds?” you cut him off. Jack tilted his head and gave you a ‘really?’ look, “Shut up, nobody asked you. Anyways, as I was saying, I love you, but I do not want to watch Catching Fire again.”
“But you love it!” you whined.
“Yes, but I don’t want to watch it every week! I don’t care how in love with Finnick you are, I’m picking the movie,” Jack stated. You crossed your arms and pouted, “Fine. Cars?”
Jack sighed and slammed his head down on the arm of the couch, “fucking dammit, fine!”
You cheered and fell into Trevor in celebration when the doorbell rang. Jack got up to open the door, “Oh hey! What are you doing here? Come on in.”
You and Trevor looked over and saw Cole entering the house. You both perked up and smiled at his arrival, “Cole!”
Trevor stood up to greet his friend in one of their weird handshakes they refuse to let you in on, “Hey! Whatcha doing here, buddy?”
Instead of answering immediately, Cole voted to just pick you up right off the couch and into his arms.
“I’m taking her,” Cole stated as if it were the most obvious thing int the world.
Jack, Luke, and Trevor all exchanged confused glances.
“Can he do that?” Trevor asked.
“Well, none of us are Quinn,” Luke said perplexed.
“Can I ask why you’re taking Sissy?” Jack turned to Cole, who was slowly walking to the door to keep conversation.
“I’ve been stressed, so I thought a Y/N day would solve all my problems,” Cole answered. “It works out great for you guys, I thought I’d give it a try.
“She is good at that,” Jack agreed. “Is this just a thing now? We can take her wherever?”
“Not when I’m—“
“With Quinn! Yeah, yeah, we know,” Jack interrupted.
Cole started walking closer to the door with you still i’m his arms. You situated yourself so that your legs were wrapped around his waist and your arms wrapped around his neck.
“Cole! Where are you taking her?!” Trevor shouted at his best friend.
“Anywhere she wants!”
“Can we come?”
“I can’t have a detox with Y/N day with her brothers and boyfriend hanging around!” Cole called out while he opened the front door.
“Bring her back by 6 for dinner!” Jack told him. You saluted him and allowed yourself to be carried out the door to Cole’s car.
“Alright, Caufield. You got 5 hours with me, what’s your game plan?” you asked as you placed your elbow on the middle console to prop your head up to look at him.
“I thought I’d take you out to lunch and then back to my dorm for some video games and maybe smoke a little?” Cole answered.
You quirked and eyebrow, “Where did you acquire bud?”
Instead of answering, Cole reached into his pocket and held up a disposable pen.
“That’s not smoking,” you rolled your eyes.
“Do you want it or not?”
You snatched it out of his hand and inhaled, relaxing back into your seat on the exhale.
“Good?” Cole smiled.
“Hella.”
Cole took you to Chipotle, which you both voted to take it back to Cole’s room to eat so he could rant. You sat perpendicular to the head of his bed and had him lay his head down in your lap so you could play with his hair as he spoke. Most of it was stress handling school and hockey practice four days a week, plus games. Other parts of it was little things, such as missing home and a much comfier bed.
“What if once a week we all get together and do assignments together? And we can get you a comfier mattress topper for your bed to try and make it comfier, and I’d have to ask mom but maybe you can stay in Quinn’s room every once in a while. I sleep in his bed all the time when I miss him so I can confirm it is a top notch bed to sleep in,” you said.
“How do I know if it’s actually top notch or if you just miss your best friend so much you gaslit yourself into liking it?” Cole inquired.
“Do you really think Ellen would let her favorite child sleep on an uncomfortable bed?”
“Good point,” he laughed.
This started to make Cole feel better, so you both decided it was time to play some video games and get a little high for further nerve easing.
“Cole-Baby,” you said after a hit, “it’s time to go.”
“One more round,” he said.
“Uh huh, you are not ten and I am not your mother that you bargain with. Rap it up, pretty boy.”
Cole turned off the game and looked over at you smirking, “you think I’m pretty?”
“I think it got you to turn the game off,” you smirked back and kissed his cheek as you stood up.
You spent the entire car ride practically inhaling water. It won’t sober you up completely, but it’ll ease it. It wasn’t the first time you’d come home a little high, and it certainly won’t be the last, so you didn’t worry. Plus, it wasn’t bud.
You skipped through the door and jumped on top of your boyfriend on the couch when you and Cole walked in.
“Trevy!” you screamed.
“Well hello to you, too, Princess,” Trevor laughed.
“Kiss,” you said, lifting your head up. Trevor gave you a small kiss, since you didn’t like to put on a show when your entire family was around.
Jack eyed you suspiciously. You knew he was onto you, so you snapped twice to signal ‘yes, I am high’ so that he could help cover for you if need be, which was hardly ever needed. He, however, needed it frequently, which is why you two created the signal.
“What was that?” Trevor asked.
“Hugheslepathy. We’ve been over this,” you stated as if it were obvious.
“As your newly declared best friend I would like in on this Hugheslepathy signals,” Cole said.
Everyone looked at him as if he were crazy.
“Buddy, Quinn’s her best friend,” Trevor said.
“Since she was 6,” Luke added.
“They’re Hugheslepathy is so much crazier than ours that I don’t even understand it,” Jack said.
“Plus, I’m your best friend,” Trevor finished the back and forth.
“You can have more than one best friend!” Cole exclaimed.
“Clearly, you haven’t been around Sissy and Quinn enough,” Jack laughed. “They’re a different breed of best friend.”
“You can be best friend number two, Coley, but only if I’m yours!” you exclaimed as you sat up.
“Alright, I’ll settle for number two best friend,” Cole laughed. “Shall we legalize it?”
“We shall,” you nodded. You held out your pinky finger to Cole and he looped his around it and you shook hands. “That’s a pink promise! It’s legally binding!”
Cole smiled and agreed with you.
“Dinner’s ready!” Ellen called out.
Jack walked by you as you got up, “How bad?”
“I barely feel it,” you answered. “My best friend number two does not have strong stuff.”
Cole came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, “Last time I share with you, then.”
You gasped and escaped out of his hold, “We’re best friend number twos! That means something!”
“Best friend number twos?” Ellen asked. “What about Quinn?”
“That’s why Cole’s number two, Mom,” you laughed.
Ellen smiled at Cole, “Best friend number two, huh? That’s a big role to fill. Are you ready for it?”
Cole slung his arm around you, “I think I can handle it.”
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Hello, hello, hello! I saw your requests were still open and since your one of the few tfp writers that has their requests open(plus your writing is awesome) I’ve returned with another request>:3 I really enjoy seeing headcanons where reader is similar to a character I love soooo, here I am as you did so well last to, could I possibly request some headcanons for TFP Ratchet, TFP Shockwave, TFP Optimus Prime, and if your able to TFP Soundwave(completely optional!) with a S/O who’s very nervous and twitchy, very similar to tweek from South Park(I can’t think of another way to describe it:,))
OR
If you don’t feel like doing that, some scenarios with TFP Bumblebee, Optimus Prine(Bayverse or TFP, your choice:>) with a reader like Eska from The legend of korra, similar to Bolin and Eska’s relationship( here’s a video as an example: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRTUnBXW/) idk why but they are just oddly cute-
Anywayyyyss! Remember to take breaks, and don’t feel forced to write this, I shall eventually return with hopefully more creative ideas! Have fun!
I'm so happy you enjoy my writing! It makes me all giggly seeing people say that. I agree there is not many transformer writers or they take a long time to respond. Also, thank you for telling me to take breaks! Don't worry, I will (meaning I will immediately go grind on a game that will make me mad). I hope this is up to your standards and that you love it! Don't remmber to take breaks yourself. (Sorry this took a bit)
TransformerCharactersXReader
Optimus
When optimus met (Y/N), the first thing he noticed was (Y/N) was twitching and was extremely nervous.
(Don't ask)
He was gonna tell them to stay calm and he ment no harm.
Intel the decepticons appered.
Once he got to a safe place, he faced (Y/N).
He was concerned at first and asked if they were ok.
He learned that they are fine but can't control it.
When (Y/N) was brought to base, leave it to miko to make (Y/N) uncomfortable.
Optimus looked up what was wrong with (Y/N), along with ratchet.
She probably said something like "why do you twitch? Is there something wrong with you're head?" 😑😑😑appeared.
Which caused bulkhead to yell at miko
When he figures out what was wrong. He made sure to help (Y/N) as best as he can.
He loves being with (Y/N) since (Y/N) is very nice when they are calm.
Ratchet
He also made sure to keep little things inside of his subspace for (Y/N) like blankets, fidget toys, snacks, etc.
When ratchet meets (Y/N), it was when optimus brought them to base, after they where almost captured by the decepticons.
Even though he is a grump, he aint a asshole.
He knows something wrong, he might be annoyed at first but he will come around.
I can see ratchet being really protective of (Y/N), since they can hurt themselves from twitching alot.
He will look up ways how to help (Y/N) with their twitching.
Once he figures out, he will act on it immediately.
He will take (Y/N) away from anything that will cause them to twitch or get extremely nervous.
He will also ask the kids to get fidget toys from (Y/N) so they have something to do.
Ratchet now has a friend with him while he works on his Computer.
Soundwave
He will listen to (Y/N) talk, since when they are calm, they have a very nice voice.
He will also listen to (Y/N) when they tell him to take a break or take a drive with them.
He will also be willing to drive them to work/school/home.
Soundwave immediately put (Y/N) in a caps thing (I don't know the name) and watched them
When he met (Y/N), it was when the vitcons kidnapped them, megatron couldn't figure out why they were twitching, so sent then to Soundwave.
Since Shockwave was busy with predaking or he wasn't here at the time.
Obviously (Y/N) would twitch non-stop and Soundwave wrote this down.
Eventually, Soundwave will look up what (Y/N) has and once he figures out, he reports it.
Sorry (Y/N), you are the new pet of the decepticons.
(Y/N) is mostly stuck with Soundwave, so Soundwave gets used to (Y/N) just sitting next to his keyboard.
(Get you're fucking head out of the gutters you sinners! Shame on you!😤😤😤)
Eventually Soundwave would actually start to build a friendship with them.
He would tell lord megatron they will be their "guardian" and protect (Y/N).
Lazerpeak also loves (Y/N) since they pet their head when relaxing.
Soundwave would listen to (Y/N) and is penitent when he waits for (Y/N) to finish their sentence.
I can see him trying to teach (Y/N) how to speak normally while stressed.
Random funny pitcher.
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Hi! Just wanted to say I really love your andrew characterization! 😗👌💕 (Chef's kiss)
Idk what your requests look like, so if you're full up right now, no worries! But if not can I request something 🌶️ for Andrew? Either a fluffy/awkward first time or on the opposite side of the spectrum, Andrew's a little jealous of the attention his s/o has been getting and wants to prove that he's the only one for them and gets a little rough in bed (not any hitting or anything like that). Gender neutral pronouns but afab if you need to describe.. parts. Lol thank you!
I went with something closer to option 2. ...Does general dominance count as getting rough? I get a little carried away writing smut sometimes...but I hope you like this anyway! x
Warnings: jealousy, andrew-typical cussing, oral, real mushy right at the end
As soon as the match ended, Andrew grabbed you by your wrist and marched the both of you to his dark room. His long strides made it difficult to keep up, and he didn’t speak a word along the way, so it was a small shock when you found yourself backed up against the inside of his bedroom door, caged in by his arms and anguished scowl.
“Stop talking to him so much,” he hissed. He was like a ghost in the darkness, the moonlight through his windows making his paleness glow.
Too busy admiring him, your reply came delayed, “Who?”
“William. Ellis,” he spat the other man’s name like he spat curses. With spiteful venom. But once that fleck of anger was out, his face crumpled into something more frightened, insecure. “Why do you…why do you let him so close? He runs his mouth to you…so. Goddamn. Much. He stands too close. He rescued you twice today—” Andrew tapers off with an unspoken phrase. That’s HIS job.
Suddenly it all clicked together. Your bittersweet Andrew was jealous—and of William, of all people, who was so incredibly opposite of him. You could see how that might intensify his usual worries, but it was also ridiculous. Kinda hot. But ridiculous. You raised a hand to reassuringly cup his chiseled jaw. His head bobbed like he couldn’t decide whether to lean into it or pull away.
“Andrew, I don’t look at anyone else the way I look at you.” He scoffed in reply, the weak little one he did when his fires were doused a bit.
“Maybe not…but you still humor the looking too much for my liking.” His eyes drifted away, expression growing unreadable. “Am I the one you want, or not?”
“You’re the only one I want, ever,” you said. His eyes were locked on some vision in the corner, some line of thought that had his gears turning ominously. There was always a gamble when that expression fell over him. How high were the walls he’d just put up? Would he be defensive or receptive to deeper comforts? Taking a chance, you slid your hands down his neck slowly, down to his chest, and nuzzled yourself against him. “Andrew. Is there anything I can do to help?”
His eyes snapped back to yours instantly, and you were surprised to find there was heat in them rather than pain. He held your gaze for a surprising amount of time, still thinking, smoldering. His jaw shifted as he chewed on his next words.
“Get on your knees,” Andrew’s quiet voice came out like hot gravel. One of his gloved hands was already pulling his robes open, fishing for his pants. “And open your mouth.”
Well, that went straight to your crotch.
You could barely register the rarity of how boldly he’d said that. Andrew typically required more motivation to charge head-long into seduction…but then you’d never dared to test him with jealousy before. Maybe that was motivation enough. Before you knew it, you were kneeling on the ground in front of Andrew with your mouth ajar, looking up at his moonlit form. You’d followed his order without question, mind fried by shock and arousal.
Just as soon as his pants were undone, Andrew took your face in one hand and his already-hard cock in the other. He caressed your chin a moment with his dusty leather gloves, then clenched your jaw to force your mouth even wider. But he hesitated there, dazedly looking between you and his throbbing dick. Perhaps admiring the sight? But he was taunting you all the while without knowing, the rosy head of his cock just inches away and glistening with a single bead of precum. It was close enough, so you slid your tongue out to greet it, coax it.
Andrew jolted back at the warm, wet sensation, and his nerve suddenly returned. The weight of his cock landed against your lips. He pulled back, just a bit, and then slid it home along your tongue. Andrew hissed, a long and slow, “Shhhhiiit,” and his forehead thudded against the wall above you. The hand still holding your jaw pulled you forward, slowly, slowly taking more of him in. Your nose just grazed pale hair before you choked, and he drew you back to a safe length.
“Fuck,” he gasped above you, barely audible. “That’s almost all of it.” He tilted your face up enough that you could make out his flushed expression above you. And in that rough voice again, he said, “Suck.”
And you did, with all the vigor and adoration you could muster. His hand was a guide for steadiness, but Andrew otherwise let you work at your own speed. You grabbed at is pants in your haziness, massaging his strong thighs and tugging the fabric slowly lower and lower. Andrew sighed and moaned rhythmically above you. First he pressed his face against the wall, weak and flush, but then he leaned away to better watch you work. He wasn’t often enamored by things, but you knew that look in his eye for what it was….
After several minutes, when your eyes locked again, Andrew licked his lips. “You like that, don’t you? You’re filthy…but just for me,” he said breathily. A shiver ran down your spine, straight to your crotch. His dirty talk was a treat. “Would you rather have it in the other end? You want me to fuck you?” You moaned an affirmative around him, sliding your hands to grope his pale, exposed hips desperately.
Andrew ripped away from you suddenly, hissing as your teeth catch against him, and flips you over pulling your bottoms off. Before you could settle back against the ground, he hauled you up knees-over-elbows with the remarkable strength that’s so easy to forget he has, and pinned you against the wall. The head of his cock rest against you, ready to destroy any remaining composure you had. His hands trembled slightly against your ass, and you didn’t think it was due to straining.
“Say it,” he said, almost pleaded. You knew exactly what he wanted to hear.
“I love you, Andrew,” you cooed. Relief was in his sigh as he kissed and slid into you.
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Hi, how would a non-binary person (me) get around the binary gender rules and vocab in Thai?
Thank on you for your amazing resources!
Hi there!
This is a question I feel like native speakers of Thai should be much more qualified to answer 😅 @recentadultburnout ? @jinitak ? Any takers?
For what it's worth, though: I also consider myself outside the gender binary, and am uncomfortable with some forms of gendered address in languages I'm fluent in, and as such have looked into it a bit. I'm barely conversational, so the things I list here have been sourced from conversations with queer and non-binary Thai acquaintances and a couple of language teachers plus my own observations, which may very well be faulty … so under the cut it goes.
First off: Thai isn't nearly as clearly binarily gendered as many beginner resources indicate. Beginner resources will say, oh, men™ say ผม (/pʰǒm/) and women™ say ฉัน (/tɕʰǎn/), but (as you may have already observed while watching shows or interviews) in reality people (queer or straight, cis or trans) will use several different pronouns for themselves and others depending on who they're talking to, and in what context—perception of gender is only one part of that. Your age, the tone of voice and level of politeness/formality you're affecting, the situation you're in at that moment, all those things affect how you talk about yourself to others, and how others talk about and to you. It's not as cut and dry as English "these are my pronouns" -- partially also because you'd kind of need to go out of your way to gender the person you're talking about in Thai.
One example: people of all genders can and do use ฉัน (/tɕʰǎn/), though I gather it's less commonly used by men these days. Contrary to what most classes will teach, men or people who are read as male may (and do!) use ค่ะ (/kʰâʔ/; often drawn out to ค่าาา (/kʰâː/ with a very drawn-out aaa)) and จ๊ะ (/tɕáʔ/) in affectionate/familiar conversation, and it's not unheard of for men to refer to themselves by their given name, either -- something a lot of teachers will say are "feminine" speech patterns. For women or people who're read as female to use particles such as ครับ (/kʰráp/) or pronouns such as ผม (/pʰǒm/) seems to be less common, though not unheard of, especially when a woman is affecting a brash personality at that moment. All that is to say … for those of us who fall somewhere in between (or outside the binary altogether), there's quite a bit of wiggle room.
Golf Tanwarin (former MP and the director of GMMTV show The Eclipse) uses different particles depending on context – I've watched interviews where they use ครับ (/kʰráp/) exclusively, others where they use both ครับ (/kʰráp/) and ค่ะ (/kʰâʔ/), and in the live spaces they opened when the Eclipse was airing, to my recollection they used ค่ะ (/kʰâʔ/) and จ๊ะ (/tɕáʔ/) pretty much exclusively. Some non-binary Thais use non-standard polite particles -- Silvy Pavida (The Warp Effect, Laws of Attraction) uses งัฟ (/ŋáp/) on their IG posts, for one example.
My personal approach (which, again! may or may not work for you) is that I go with what people expect from my appearance, and switch to other options only once I'd've got to know my conversation partner better. My reasoning for this is that as a language learner, trying to deviate from the expected language use will likely be perceived not as me trying to express my identity, but simply as me being bad at the language -- I feel like I need to attain and display a level of skill with the language that makes clear the uncommon way I use it is intentional, first. This might not be your approach! but it's worked for me so far.
What I'm doing in the meantime: I try to watch content by people who … idk, match the sort of presentation I aspire to, or who I feel kinship with? and try to emulate what they do (keeping in mind that most online content is rather informal); sometimes, when I'm comfortable enough, I will just try things out when I have the chance (though this can have embarrassing results).
tl;dr there's no way around it, but there are several ways to manage it, and you'll find out best by playing around and finding what works for you, personally :)
(also: I'm glad you found the 'learning Thai' link dump helpful <3)
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Re: suits, there are hundreds of different types of suits, but the most common cuts are british, american and italian. I could see Lando (aka would love to see) most likely in an italian cut (slim tailoring on trousers and jacket, unstructured shoulders, light cloth (not colour but fabric) also looks very nice with an open collar and no tie...). Typical big brand names here are Zegna, Armani or Attolini, I personally love Kiton and Brioni as well, but just googling itlian cut suits should show some good results.
For Oscar, I would adore a (for once) properly tailored brutish cut suit (higher waistline for the trousers, more structure in the shoulders, tapered waist, thicker fabrics). Maybe even make it a proper three-piece bc ever since the wetsuit pics from Australia, I think we all agree that those curves need to be shown more often. Examples here are Ted Baker, Dunhill and ofc everything Savile row.
Tho if we keep with the Mclaren sponsors, Reiss does some great work as well. There's a double-breasted tuxedo jacket in this year's collection that I would love to see Lando in (then again tuxedos are a whole nother topic ...)
This got very long and is probably not very helpful but I love infodumping about fashion lol <3
i know you were self conscious about writing at length about this but all i have to say is: yes. here is some additional photographic evidence from my POV;
lando in snazzy italian tailoring, but to take the stylised vector a bit further:
exhibit a: asymmetric waistcoat with steampunk details
exhibit b: italian but with a fun pattern
exhibit c: open collar a step further, he could so rock a 70s suit. also just really need him to rock the gucci glasses with some shiny loafers like he’s sooooo got that vibe. im thinking how bruno mars and harry styles wear that kind of suiting sometimes
now to our elusive chanteuse f1 driver oscar jack. i feel like it’s, like what you described, about a classic style but with really fine details. good fabrics, simple cuts, plain colourways. below is pretty stylised but also this is rpf and it’s my playground and if we were claiming realism we should just put the rpf toys down full stop and i am not doing that!!
if taking a costume designer’s perspective too, there could be soooo much you could say with layering and pattern and contrast depending where we are in the story or plot. the idea of fic!oscar in a classic brit cut suit with tiny revealing details like a handkerchief (lando’s) or a button (a nod to a family member or a friend) is very dear to me.
the other option i like is a classic tux jacket with tails and crisp shirt and a a sky blue handkerchief, like idk that image also tickles me for some reason.
anyway so i had been thinking about a tailor AU- *loud scuffling noise as i try to put wayward au ideas back in their box*
p.s. oscar in dunhill... like u were cooking but u especially cooked w that one....
and tagging the people who might be interested in this conversation i invite y’all to weigh in!! @cx-boxbox @kichona-s and @jusst-you-race
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So I read some books about aro & ace identities recently, because while I am quite sure that I'm ace and probably even aroace, I'm still struggling a lot with the ramifications of this discovery about myself, even though I first noticed this about myself a few years ago.
That's why I tried to make myself feel better by reading these books in the hope that it might be helpful in any way...and that's also why I took some notes about things that always bugged me in some way, both while reading the books and before that. (I'm not done with the books, but I already noticed enough recurring issues for a whole post.)
First, I really would like to feel at least sort of good about it. It doesn't have to be pride, just some sense of it being alright. I know that's not a prerequisite, but I don't want to feel unhappy and uneasy all the time just because of my identity :/
And there are some things I like about it. For example, having found a name and explanation for whatever is going on with me was undoubtedly nice, and I like the fact that the community seems to be very open to people identifying as ace or aro no matter where they exactly are on the spectrum. Well, there are always the exclusionists, but that's technically the consensus and I like that.
Still, there is this unpleasant feeling that doesn't seem to go away. The fact that there is something I will never understand and never experience - despite desperately wanting to. I guess that is the problem if something just isn't there, and that's just so hard to accept. Like, other people also might struggle with their orientation, but at least they do have the option to find someone who feels the same and will enter a relationship with them - while this is entirely impossible for me. And I think that's where I struggle the most, honestly. Knowing that there is no way to get the thing I want with my logical mind, because my feelings won't allow me to - and thus people on the outside won't consider me as 'relationship material' in any form since I'm lacking something crucial. And yes, I entirely understand that this would make people avoid me when it comes to relationships. After all I could never give them the thing they would expect from a relationship and it would be unfair towards them if I entered a relationship while being unable to do so. But it really doesn't make it hurt any less, and it definitely doesn't make me feel good about myself. There is something missing about me, that's just an undeniable fact and it reduces my worth in the eyes of others. Is that fair? Maybe not - I can't say, as I can't see things from their perspective - but it just is how things are. But it is very, very hard to accept.
Oh, and there is another thing that keeps being mentioned: namely that relationships without sex or of course also even fully platonic relationships are possible. But honestly? That doesn't really comfort me at all :') Because...I wasn't even nice and attractive (in both a physical and personality sense) - and whatever else - enough for a "normal" relationship, so it feels downright illusory to tell myself that someone will accept me despite my "defects" (if that's what I'll call them in this context, since that would be an allo person's view in most cases, I assume) and agree to have whatever kind of deeper relationship with me. That sounds like such a nice dream, and yet that's all it is and will remain: a dream. It's simply impossible, and that just feels bad. Because I would want to have closer connections to people, but I can't. Idk, but that is a bit cruel, especially as it isn't exactly my fault because of a choice I made.
I also feel kind of uncomfortable identifying myself as queer or part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I'd like to, but idk, I fear I wouldn't really be welcome in most queer spaces since I used to think I was heterosexual before I came across the terms ace and aro. Also, I was never oppressed due to my identity and had technically no trouble to pass as more or less some kind of straight allo late bloomer, so idk... And well, I see why my constant talking about some fictional/celeb mancrush I've got might make people think that I'm a liar and just pretend to be aro or ace for attention or other reasons. In fact, the exact same thing happened to me when a guy fell in love with me and I was forced to tell him about probably being ace. He didn't believe it because "I was always crushing on anime guys" and basically accused me of deliberately leading him on and it wasn't pleasant :/ (But I can't help it...I mean, a celeb crush doesn't require me to act on anything! I just find a guy attractive in whatever shape or form and it makes me happy to have my silly little daydreams about him and whatever. But it doesn't necessarily mean I graphically dream of fucking him, despite what I might jokingly say.) Anyway, I think it would be useful if I could confidently use the term queer for myself because idk, it would make things easier. As in, I'm definitely not "normal" aka not the standard straight cis person I once believed to be, but yeah...I still doubt that I would be allowed to call myself queer. I'm too different to be considered normal and too normal to be considered queer, I guess. So I'm sure people wouldn't be too happy about me pushing into their communities. Falling between the chairs again :')
Maybe all of my doubts and all that stuff...it's not so surprising, though. I mean, I kind of assume that most people wouldn't be too happy at the prospect of lifelong solitude and loneliness, without any chance to form deeper bonds with other people. Or maybe it's just me, who knows. It definitely scares the hell out of me and I hate it so, so much. And well, that makes it so difficult to make peace with this annoying sexual/romantic orientation of mine. (I would change it if I could...but alas we all know that's impossible.) I don't know what I exactly expected, but I surely didn't sign up to a rather sad lonely life of unhappiness and yet that is exactly what I will get :/ Another thing that is very hard to accept, and I genuinely wonder how other people managed to deal with that... I know accepting it and facing that truth is the only possible way, but yeah...I still can't bring myself to feel good about this. I mean, I've been lonely for my entire life, so I don't know...maybe I just hoped this would change at some point in the future and finding out that this will never happen now is kind of soul-crushing, honestly.
Lastly, I know that this is mostly a lengthy and overly personal rant post, so maybe no one has even read until here. But if someone did and feels like commenting, then I would really appreciate that, because...I still don't really feel fully enlightened on how I'm supposed to feel now. Maybe talking to actual people would help, but who knows. Again, I'd appreciate it if anyone wants to share their thoughts (my DMs are also open btw), although I'm aware that a random Tumblr post probably isn't the best way to solve my problem. ^^
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Maybe some Optimus angst. Do you write car crashes? If you don't, thats fine. Anything will work :)
I had a few ideas for this, but I decided to go with a romantic x reader thing. I do have another idea for this with just Optimus and I might write that in the future too, but we’ll see. I’m not super happy with how this came out but I got tired of working on it and just wanted to get it out, also Idk if this is particularly angsty either
“You want me to go? I’ll go” you said tearfully and marched to your car, slamming the door shut behind you as you hopped in the driver’s seat.
“(Name), please-” Optimus started, but you were already driving.
You were in tears as you sped out of the base and back towards Jasper. You weren’t even sure why you were crying, it’s not like you hadn’t had this exact conversation before. It was always the same. He would start acting distant, pushing you away and while you knew why, it didn’t make it any easier. He wanted to keep you safe and he wanted to give you an out in case you ever got scared. You knew he did it because he cared about you and wanted you to be safe, but you couldn’t help but feel like maybe he didn’t care about you as much as you cared about him, like he didn’t want to be with you anymore.
Optimus didn’t understand what he had said that had made you so upset. He was convinced anyone who got close to him was doomed to suffer. He didn’t want that for anyone, and since you had no part in this war, other than being with him he wanted to give you an option. An option to get away from his vicinity, because he believed you would be safer that way. Little did he know, you getting hurt would have nothing to do with him.
You were driving down the dark road. It was already late and there were no streetlights on that particular stretch of road. You had to keep wiping your eyes, because you just couldn’t stop crying. Your vision wasn’t blurry but that wouldn’t matter. When the car coming towards you swerved into your lane, you didn’t even have time to react. You felt the impact and then the world went dark.
When you woke up, you weren’t sure where you were. The room was only dimly lit and there was a mechanical beeping and whirring coming from somewhere near you. You couldn’t remember how you’d gotten there or where “there” even was. You tried to look around but your vision was blurry and it felt like you couldn’t focus your eyes on anything.
It sounded like someone opened a door near you and when you looked in the direction of the sound, you saw someone standing there.
“Where am I?” you asked, still groggy from whatever had happened to you.
“You’re in the hospital honey. How are you feeling?” a female voice asked.
“Tired” you answered. “What happened to me?”
“You were in a car crash. Your injuries were quite severe, and you required surgery because of some internal damage, but you’re going to be just fine” the nurse said, as she looked at your chart.
“Is my phone here, I-I need to make a call”
“I can bring you a phone, you must have lost yours in the crash” the nurse smiled and left the room.
She returned moments later and handed you a phone.
“Thank you”
“I’ll give you some privacy” the nurse said, before closing the door.
You dialed the number to the base, and Ratchet answered quite quickly.
“Hey Ratch, is Optimus there?”
“(Name)? Where have you been for the past day?” Ratchet questioned.
“In the hospital. I’m told I was in a car crash”
“A car crash?!” Ratchet exclaimed.
“Yeah, I really need to talk to Optimus, is he there?”
“Yes, yes of course. I’ll go get him”
You heard his footsteps getting farther away from the phone, until you couldn’t hear them anymore. Then there was another set of heavier footsteps that came towards the phone.
“(Name)?” Optimus asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, it’s me” you said quietly.
“I apologize for upsetting you yesterday, it was not my intention”
“I know, but I appreciate the apology”
“How are you feeling?” Ratchet told me what happened to you” Optimus asked.
“I’m okay, just tired. I’m probably gonna be out of here in a couple of days” you explained.
“Would you like me to come get you when you get released?”
“I’d appreciate that” you said.
“I’m sorry, I need the phone back” the nurse said as she peeked her head into the room.
You nodded at her and told Optimus: “I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you to come get me when I’m released, bye”
“Goodbye my love”
You ended the call and sighed, handing the phone back to the nurse. You were tired and just wanted to sleep. You couldn’t help but feel like Optimus would find a way to blame himself for you getting hurt, even though it was totally unrelated to him. You would just have to make sure he knew you didn’t blame him, and maybe that would help his feelings of guilt too.
Optimus was relieved you were alright, he had called you a couple of times in the past day, but he never got through. He had been worried, but he had also been sure you’d just been angry at him and not that something had actually happened. When Ratchet spoke the words “car accident” he was sure you had died. He was sure the last words he’d spoken to you would have been ones that had made you upset and that you had died hating him. For that split second of quiet between Ratchet’s words, he had felt like his whole word had fallen apart. That didn’t end up being the case though, you were hurt, but you were alive and he was so thankful for that.
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B5 s03e12 Sic Transit Vir
table of contents - previous chapter
A two month break isn't too bad compared to my seven month break last year, right? hah
Ivanova seems to be having a naked-at-work dream?? Lol, yes it was. I am actually amused that even in her dream the staff had the nerve to act like anything was out of the ordinary.
Vir checking out his future throne! Get it.
Was Vir also having a dream? Interesting way to open an episode, if so.
Londo having a totally normal reaction to having a bug buzzing around your apartment. Maybe going after a bug with a sword is actually good enrichment for him? I'm impressed that he got it.
"Do you know that you are smaller than I thought you were?"
LOL
Ah, Londo's second-greatest weakness, a beautiful Centauri woman. (his first greatest weakness is someone offering to commit war crimes to elevate his political standing.)
Awww, Sheridan and Delenn are so cute nowadays I can hardly stand it. Just…oozing adorableness at each other at all times.
VIR. You are an ambassador in your own right. Don't be so deferent to Londo!!! You are peers!!
Who tf arranged this marriage?? I hope Lyndisty is nice if they do get married. Ah, answered immediately. One of Vir's uncles, and Lyndisty's mother.
She seems nice. I tentatively like her. And it seems that Vir does, too!
"If you give me a chance, I promise you: when we cross beneath the swords and boughs…it will be for love."
I hope so!! I don't like it when bad things happen to Vir. He takes it like a champ but it's like watching someone kick a puppy.
"Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Oh, deliriously! But I always associated delirium with fever. So…there you are."
Wow! I feel like that was definitely his first kiss.
"If kisses could kill, that one would have flattened several small towns."
Lyndisty is coming on SO strong it worries me that she's going to be nefarious. But Vir probably would need any partner to be much more….bold than he is.
Sheridan made Delenn a Minbari dish!
Not well it seems. Their courtship COULD be so rocky, but both of them are so determined to be genial it's actually so smooth!
Well Sheridan did say that nothing stays calm on B5 forever. What instigated this attack, though?! And Zack Allen, if you wanted the attacker to survive, maybe don't shoot them in the head??
Personal grudge against Vir seems…unlikely. And makes me way more suspicious of Lyndisty.
As horrified as Ivanova is to be asked what ladies like in bed, she's definitely a better option to ask than Londo, Vir is right.
Well now idk what Vir is talking about and also don't want to know! Keep that cursed Centauri sexcapades knowledge away from me please.
Delenn is wildly good at speaking indirectly but completely clearly. Wow! If she flirted with me like that I would simply perish.
All two thousand Narns that Vir got off Narn are dead! That's a hell of a motivation for a revenge killing. And the immediate cut to Lyndisty, again, makes me very suspicious of her.
FUCK YOU LONDO. ugh. gross fucker.
Ahhh, Vir faked killing them. Good for him! But maybe he faked their deaths too well, since there's assassins after him now. Vir has been doing so much good work, wow!!
FUCK YOU LONDO. why does he always have to be such a nasty, power-climbing, fascist dick?
"They're Narns, Captain, they don't need a reason for murder." goddamn shut up.
Lyndisty is a "nice" racist. It isn't their fault they're an inferior species, but their inferiority is justification to genocide them!
oh god.
not such a "nice" racist after all, though none of them are, really.
Wow B5 always goes hard. this is dark as fuck. Lyndisty helped murder entire Narnuan villages to "curb aggression," She might be one of the most gleefully murderous characters that's appeared on the show so far. Perhaps second only to that panacea episode with the war criminal.
Here's the puppy-kicking. Stop, Londo. Fuck.
Someone else to be sad for Vir about! No more vacation on Minbar, and emotionally attached to genocidal fascist who has personally murdered hundreds of Narns with her bare hands. Yikes.
And we never found out what happened to the Narn that Lyndisty captured! Hopefully he got free and then snuck into her shuttle back to Narn so Vir can be a widower. He'd get over it.
time for some arthuriana
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@jewishdainix commented on this post:
The thing is, israel must be dismantaled because it is built on xenophobia, nationalism and subjeugation of palestinians. I agree with you on the worry of jewish safety, but that needs to be done by fostering and building communities of both nations of people, where both are welcome and safe, not by keeping an opressive colonialist state with no interest in equality or peace in power.
And Im saying this as a jew who lives in occupied palestine, btw. I know co-existing eont come out of nowhere, but it can be built.
(New post because the original is very long.)
Thank you for commenting! Most of the commentary I'm getting seems to be from people who are as removed from the conflict as I am.
I think a major factor in the discussion that stemmed from my initial response to the first "r u pro Palestine" question was that I was... well, very tired and not running on all cylinders, for one, but also in an intersection of Tumblr that sees a lot of half-baked political reblogs where people just... share things they either don't know ANYTHING about or don't realize how much is our isn't propaganda.
I am not immune to propaganda, especially the subtler kind, as evidenced by my having to adjust my understanding of the Yemen situation.
But the thing is that like... that intersection means I've seen a LOT of takes that are extreme (like Hamas and the Houthis being entirely right about Israel and how to handle it, or that even the children in Israel, by virtue of being Israeli, are guilty) as well as a lot of people who are supporting extreme solutions without really thinking things through?
Like, the majority of the people I see talking about Dismantling Israel seem to be in favor of doing so quickly and without regard to what happens to the people there, Because They're The Bad Guys, or because they just don't realize that this is the sort of thing that takes time and management to do safely.
Like... when I see so many people parroting things with an underlying tone of hate and malice towards even the civilians, it makes me concerned that any expression of support for a position like "dismantle Israel" will be taken as support by both "do so slowly and responsibly with an aim towards integration and safety for all" AND the "boot out all the jews" sides, because when the first question is only four words, I can't also answer in only four words, because political slogans are never JUST what they actually mean.
That said, the discussion over the past few days definitely has me sympathizing more with the Dismantle argument, but I do wonder about how it would be enforced, and by whom. Like, the Israeli government has made it pretty clear they have no interest in ceasefire, let alone a dismantling, so... does the UN get involved? NATO? Is the US sent in to undo Israel, the way they're trying to undo things like the Houthi government (as I've been told they're functionally the government of 70% of Yemen)? What gives us people of the world the right to choose interventionism in Israel but not Yemen or Iran?
Just cutting US aid from Israel opens the doors to Hamas and Houthi and associated groups "managing" the dismantling, which is the situation I expressed so much concern over in the previous post, so that's not an option. It looks like we do need the UN to be involved if that goal of Dismantling to build something new is possible, but that's interventionism, which is bad because it violates self-determination, except when it's not bad because there's mass murder happening, except when it's still bad even though the mass murder already happened, and...
IDK
It's so complicated and I WANT to believe there's a solution but the political philosophy and practical implications are kind of. A necessary consideration even when the ethics are clear cut.
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Hey, ive been a fan of your cultstuck series since i first read it 10 years ago and its one that i hold dear along woth toastyglow and their siblings' works. Given that we are all adults now with very busy lives, i dont expect you to kerp up with an old project like writing a fan novel fpr free, but i am curious as what ur current plants for earthbent are, if there are any atm.
(Tbh id be happy with any answer you provide, whether its a detailed outline, an unsure shrug, an excited wink hinting at a deadline or an announcement of permanent hiatus. Youve given so much with your writing, thst i just want you to be happy with whatever plans u have)
hey there! i'm going to go with unsure shrug as an answer here.
see, I did have a detailed outline for cultstuck-- i wrote it all down at around ...2015? very soon after the second eridan chapter, and sent it to my beta, who then proceeded to ghost me forever. I was already sensing she was growing disinterested in the fic/the fandom, giving constant excuses, and I myself was dealing with an anxiety/depression combo that would sharply nosedive by the time the finale came around, so i just... let it go. She didn't care. I wasn't in a good mental place to care. We went our separate ways.
I decided to take a mental health sabbatical, and now, after a few years of sertraline and therapy, the thought of picking it back up is very, very far down my list of priorities. I have so many other fics I want to write, for media which hasn't let me this profoundly down! And also, Cultstuck was conceptualized in the post-cascade hiatus, in chat logs and rough outlines, and was never supposed to take later canon into account unless it dropped any interesting, matching lore...
...but late act 6 took such a dump on the characters and the setting that it took the joy right out of playing on my patch of sandbox, fenced off as it was. And I couldn't connect with the Retcon timeline at all, but some of its developments are so popular and so deeply entrenched that I hesitate to contradict them even though i kind of hate the whole thing and never meant to take it into account?
Let's take the strongest example: Davekat. Dave and Karkat in Cultstuck were never meant to be anything more than mutually annoying acquaintances connected only indirectly via Terezi-- Dave was to be her moirail, and aro-ace besides. This was because for the entirety of the comic, that was the only vibe I got from Dave as a character, and from his interactions with Karkat as a whole-- he and Karkat felt too similar in mutually unpleasant ways, like a cousin that's just enough like you to give you second-hand embarrassment. So by the point the comic was playing coy with pushing the New Dave and New Karkat action figures together, you couldn't get me to care about Davekat if you put a gun to my head. This really hasn't changed in the least. And that means whenever I think of dealing with disappointed Davekat fans in the future of the fic, I just feel an all-encompassing, soul-deep exhaustion.
but i also don't want to drop the fic altogether, for some reason? Like, I might not feel this way forever. So idk, i'm keeping my options open i guess. Subscribe to the fic/series and maybe 10 years from now you'll get a notification like a holiday miracle. Who knows.
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All The Things We Hide In The Dark Chapter 3
Pairing: The Darkling x Reader
A Beauty and the Beast AU
Part 1 Part 2 AO3 Link
Summary: Chased by Drüskelle and out of options, Reader (You) seeks refuge in the remote Little Palace which is rumored to be haunted by a beast and his ghosts. But he is not the only one who hides dark secrets…
Warnings: slight body horror? (idk Aleksander has a nightmare and it feels nasty), man does not know how to communicate feelings or how to cope with having human companionship in over a fuck off long period of time, (lemme know if I forgot something)
Word count:
A/N: Soooo.... it has been quite a while since I posted the second chapter but now it is finally here! I am pretty happy with how this chapter turned out so I hope Y'all enjoy it!
A/N: And a tremendous shout out to @dreamlandcreations for beta reading this chapter for me!
When Aleksander had lost his sense of up and down, he did not know. The distinction between left and right, back and forth not more important than that he knew he was coming apart at his seams. His shoulders, back and hands tearing themselves open to give the overwhelming power, that had taken hold of his body, an outlet.
Only for the shadows that curled around him to find a way back into his body, pushing past his eyes back into his head, past his lips, inside his lungs, making him unable to breathe. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't escape the nightmare that surrounded him. Never.
Startled awake by the lack of air in his lungs, he wasn't sure if he was still trapped in the nightmare as the shadows around him were coldly pressed to him, prickling his skin as they slowly dissipated along with the erratic pounding of his heart.
Rubbing his hands over his face, he wondered if the strange girl was still in the palace.
Part of him wanted her to be gone. He had been trapped here for centuries and he didn't need the painful reminder of his mother’s curse. Neither did he want to think about how the mysterious girl could go wherever she wanted, not confined to the walls of the palace like him. Because, in spite of the sprawling size of the palace, after a few centuries the walls had slowly started to cave in on him.
His body heavily protested when he tried to get up and somewhere in the back of his mind he wished that he wouldn't wake up anymore, to be free of the nightmares that plagued him every night. To be eternally at rest.
He muttered a slew of curses under his breath as he willed himself to get up. The cold of the room that greeted him not very different from how the shadows that clinged to his body at all times.
On better days, they were barely visible and he could almost forget that he had been trapped in the palace by the spell that had been put over him. Until Ivan or Zoya would inevitably find him, their physical state a harsh reminder that the people he'd tried so long to protect had been robbed of their power in his search to expand his own.
The cold structure of his mask laid rigid on his face, a stark contrast with the soft and malleable Kefta around his body.
His mind drifted back to the girl, wondering if she'd left. The image of her fearful face as she disappeared out of the heavy oaken doors making his heart sink into his stomach.
Perhaps his loneliness was getting more to him than he wanted to admit.
He wondered why she had stayed in the first place, he hadn't exactly been welcoming to her. The sound of her frightful running footsteps ringing in his ears. From what gossip he'd overheard from the other wisps, the entrance door had locked itself shut. Others had told tales of the windows doing the same.
Refusing to open. Refusing to let her out.
Her words echoed in his head.
I gladly would have left. If every way out didn’t keep shutting itself right in front of my face.
It seemed more like a hopeful dream than reality and wondered if centuries alone had finally driven him to madness. To have him hallucinate a companion to alleviate the painful emptiness of the palace now that he was near the end of his days? He could only guess.
But then, even if he had been making her up, the wisps should not have known of her presence.
The shadows that follow him clung to the walls as he passed through the hallways, as it had become a habit these days, the windows and their views still the same as they were centuries ago.
Mountainous hedges still lined the outsides of the gardens; neatly patterned flower beds laying barren, waiting for someone to put new seeds in them; Bushes that had grown far out of control sprawled out over some of the pathways and somewhere where the apple orchard had to be was nothing to be seen but a mess of trees that had stopped bearing fruit long before the reality of the curse had settled into him.
Yet there was one thing that managed to catch his eye.
From the far corner of his field of vision he caught three shapes, leisurely strolling over the gravel paths in what little sun had decided to show itself today. Or at least, one of them was. The other two figures, whom he now recognised as Fedyor and Genya, simply floated beside the new guest.
Or resident, if she too was now bound to the walls he'd spend so much time between.
He shook his head at his own wishful thinking, memories of small groups of people seeking shelter in the stables coming back to him.
They were never rich or looked to have any money on them. Always seemed like they were minutes away from freezing and more often than not, dressed in what could easily be mistaken for dish rags.
He'd never dared to get close to them, always staying far enough that even the normal, conversational tone would only reach his ears like whispers. His shadows had always been intimidating to others; Even when he could control them.
People had always referred to him as odd in all sorts of senses of the word. None of them had ever been kind, but he'd learned to live with it. To brush off every insult they hurled at him like snow on his coat. Yet there was one he had never been able to shake. Perhaps because it told him how he felt about himself, perhaps for reasons he would not reach for.
Monster, they would call him. Hideous, inhumane, incapable of any good deed or intention.
His scars stung under his mask at the thought. Another painful reminder of what he had lost in his desperate search to protect the Grisha. To protect his people.
He watched the trio from his high position at the window, his face only inches from the cold glass as he observed every move and he couldn't help but to be fascinated with the girl between the wisps, shame creeping up his face when he realised he never had the decency to ask for her name.
She laughs along to a joke either of the wisps told and a fleeting thought makes him wish to know what it sounds like. Yet as soon as he tried to get a hold of it, the idea was gone.
He watched for what could be mistaken for hours as Ivan's formless wisp floated up next to him.
"Barely a day here and she's already stolen the hearts of the two best informants we have."
There was a bitter tone to his teasing lilt. "I can't say if I find their hopefulness foolish or not."
"We've been waiting centuries," Aleksander simply said, "Someone was bound to show up one day."
"Funny she should have come here the very same night we were locked into this place."
"Did she?"
He hummed in confirmation and Aleksander was surprised that he still kept track of it after a good millenia had passed.
He tried to suppress the feeling of anger and distrust that rose to the surface at the implication of Ivan's words. But it was impossible to hide as his shadows coiled and curled around him like angry waves as they rapidly filled the hallway, threatening to swallow the wisp of the man beside him.
His eyes returned to the trio in the garden where they had taken to the shade of one of the dying willow trees. From his position he couldn't exactly see what they were doing, but seeing Genya and Fedyor fly around her excitedly only made him more curious.
Yet Ivan's words burned in his mind.
He didn't want to believe she'd stoop that low, but then again, she'd locked him in here, hadn't she? What would stop her from forcing someone into his arms?
Shadows started to creep in from the edge of his vision, the gilded edges of the window already covered in the black tendrils as he tried to put the idea aside.
He wished she'd cursed only him, for the rest of the Grisha to go unharmed. If at this moment it only meant he could check with Fedyor if the girl had indeed been telling the truth. But she had robbed all of them. Of their power, of their physical presence. Of their lives.
They were not dead, but neither were they truly alive, only occupying that weird space between the living and the dead.
With a heavy heart he turned himself from the window, back to the path he was going. Why he hadn't thought of his mother being behind this, he did not know. What he did know was that it was foolish to have hope. To have the slightest inclination that he might be freed from this place.
Perhaps the centuries of loneliness had indeed turned him into a fool.
He didn't see the girl for the rest of the day. In part because he refused to look for her, the other part avoiding her. He knew the palace didn't agree, having learned to read the moods of the building after all the time he spent between its walls.
"Disagree all you want, but she's not the person we're looking for," he quietly muttered under his breath, paying no mind to the few wisps he passed.
The shift in atmosphere was the palace's answer. Still disagreeing with him.
At times he hardly thought the palace had gotten a will of its own and had instead inherited that of his mother.
Which once again became apparent when he found himself in front of the garden doors. He'd long given up on trying to open them, the locks immediately shutting on themselves when he only reached for the handle.
A cruel way to separate him from the rest of the world, but perhaps for the better now that there was a new visitor. His stomach twisted as he once again watched the girl interact with Fedyor and Genya. It had been too long since he'd seen them like this. Laughing with each other without a care in the world, and of who might be watching.
But then there was also the inevitability that one day, she would leave. Leave this accursed place in search of better fortune and he couldn't say he blamed her.
Part of him wished he still cared enough to at least try and open the garden doors, the other part snidely reminding him they would still lock themselves as soon as he touched the handles.
Shaking his head, he turned away from the scene before him, squashing the spark of hope that tried to rise within him again.
There would be no end to his confinement. Not until time would finally wear on him enough that death would be a mercy granted to him.
And even if his mother had sent her here to free him, he doubted she could truly love him.
Once she learned what he had done. To Ravka. To the Grisha.
History proved that time and time again. At kindest, they called him an idealistic fool who got drunk on his own power, at worst, they called him a demon. A monster sent to deceive and destroy them all.
He turned away from the doors to make for his office, far away from the garden and even further away from the girl that raised false hope in him every time he saw her.
Perhaps it would be the best for them both if he stayed as far away from her as possible. To keep them both safe from the corruption that he seemed to take with him wherever he went.
The following few days he managed to avoid her pretty well. Only a few times nearly stumbling into her as the palace seemed hellbent on making them meet. Even if it was just in passing, Aleksander would have none of it. Love had only hurt him in the past, whether that be by the people he held close or by others who hurt those people and it would not heal him now.
But just like the mind of his mother, the palace was a tricky thing and it took the building only so long to figure out how to get the general and the new guest to meet again.
He'd mostly kept to his own office and his private quarters, occasionally taking a long stroll through the winding halls of the palace, purposefully making it difficult for the palace to get them in the same room again.
It was about a week after he'd decided to avoid her that he needed something from the library, wisps coming and going around him, some accidentally passing through him, though he hardly felt the difference anymore between them and the shadows that clung to him.
The library seemed to be empty, thick layers of dust coated the books on the shelves. The silence so thick Aleksander could swear he could touch it some days.
Quietly he moved over the pathways, scanning the books for the title he was looking for.
His movements were suddenly halted as someone crashed into him. In a flash of panic he wondered if someone had broken into the palace. To kill the monster hiding behind its walls.
What he found instead was the girl who had arrived a few days ago.
He only realised his shadows had started acting up again when she started apologising for not paying more attention to her surroundings.
"It is okay," he reassured her, "I wasn't paying attention either."
It felt strange to hear those words leave his lips. Even when he was still human, he hardly apologised for anything to anyone, yet the loneliness of the palace seemed to have changed him in ways he never thought of.
“I see you’ve taken an interest in the history of the Grisha,” he said as his eyes fell on the books she’d nearly dropped when they’d crashed into each other.
“My mother was Grisha. I thought I could perhaps learn more about what she could do and who her people are. Should be a lot easier now that I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly…”
A wry smile twisted over his face. If it were up to the palace, she would have all the time in the world. Not that he would tell her that, it had probably already taken her more than enough courage to let Genya convince her to stay when the palace had locked her in, he wouldn’t ask her to muster it again with the revelation that she would be stuck here with him for far longer than either of them planned on being.
“Is there a particular title you are still looking for?”
“The Lives Of The Saints, sir. I tried asking Genya, but she wasn’t of much help unfortunately. I suppose there are downsides to being a formless wisp when you can’t touch a book.”
He couldn’t help but chuckle at that as he remembered David and Zoya going through the same issue when they couldn’t read their favourite books anymore.
“Well, if memory serves me correctly, it should be here.” he said, fishing a slim, dusty book from one of the top shelves, pleased when he indeed turned out to be correct.
“Here you go.”
“Thank you. I hope you find what you are looking for as well.”
She disappeared quietly between the shelves with a last goodbye, leaving him alone once more.
“You like her, don’t you?” Genya chuckled from behind him, his shadows lashing out at hearing her voice.
“She is the first human being any of us have seen in a good milenia. I can’t say that I don’t find it hard to remain indifferent to her.”
“Still not entertaining the thought that maybe, just maybe, she might be here to lift the curse?”
“You know that is a foolish hope Genya. She wants to be here just as much as any of us do. She’ll leave with the first chance she gets.” His heart grew heavy at the thought. A grief clawing at him that he could not simply free the Grisha confined to the palace and leave him with the fate he deserved.
“General, you know just as well as I that she can’t. She won’t leave. Not before the curse is lifted anyway.”
“You know she will once she discovers what happened. What really happened. She won’t stay and if she does, I refuse to believe she will do so because she wants to. She will stay because this accursed place will make her.”
And because no one can love a monster like me, he thought quietly to himself.
Without another word, he turned around to leave the library, too angry to care about his shadows enveloping the aisle or to look for the book he wanted to read.
When the evening came, he was still stewing in his anger. As much as he liked both Genya and Fedyor, they seemed to have been completely taken by the ridiculous notion that she would save them.
He could tell the walls were scolding him for such a thought and that maybe he should’ve been more open to the possibility of being freed before it had to resort to more desperate measures. To not let him be able to scare her away.
“General? She has prepared dinner for you andherself in the kitchen.” The quiet voice of one of the servants alerted him, the shock of it suddenly piercing through his train of thought alarming him. It was a bad habit he seemed to have developed since the arrival of their guest, one he really had to kick to the curb if he somewhat wanted to keep the illusion that he had a certain amount of control over his shadows.
“I’ll be there shortly.”
Prepared food. It was something that had become a distant memory over the years. Time stood practically still between the walls and had completely eliminated his need to eat. Yet the mention of her making something for herself, no for the two of them, made his stomach twisting like he hadn’t eaten in weeks.
He quietly wondered what sort of food she’d made. Being on the run often didn’t allow for fancy meals or long cooking times and from what he remembered when he was a child, food consisted mostly of old bread and nearly gone bad meat and cheese. If anything, it was a miracle he’d lived long enough to see the creation of the Fold.
The kitchen, for the first time in what should have only been yesterday, smelled sweet of the warmth of a fire, a finely cooked broth and he could swear he picked up on the scent of roasted meat.
“I see the cooks were generous enough to teach you one of their recipes.”
“They did. I didn’t really think anything would still be of use here after sitting unused for so long, but I was pleasantly proven wrong. I hope you’re hungry, because there is a lot,” she strained as she lifted the heavy pot away from the fire.
He had to admit that it did smell good, which either meant that they’d kept an annoyingly close eye on you and the food or that you were quite good at this; Probably to the cooks’ dismay.
To his surprise, Aleksander found that the food put in front of him was far tastier than anything he could remember from when he had last snuck into the kitchens for a snack when the rest of the staff had turned in for the night and the thought made him bitterly aware that even the memory of good food had become distant and foreign to him.
He tried not to let the feeling show too much, even if it was probably in vain but he continued to eat, hoping he could at least not make her think she did a bad job on the preparation of their meal.
They ate in silence for a few minutes before he asked: “How has your search into Grisha history been going?”
“Well, I’ve been learning a lot. Small science is a fascinating subject. Though, I do wish there were sources about it with less of a bias against Grisha since they all seem to describe it as some arcane sort of witchcraft.”
“I am sure the other Grisha here would be more than happy to help you distinguish myth from reality.”
“Oh they are. It is kind of my own ’fault’, for lack of better wording, that I can’t really grasp what it really is and does from text books and word of mouth alone. Not that it stops me from trying to understand it anyway.”
A soft warmth filled his chest upon hearing her words. To know that she still wanted to learn about the Grisha even when both history and her own ability to learn were trying to work against it.
“But how did this place come to be exactly? I always thought the Little Palace was a fairytale Grisha parents would tell their kids so they would sleep soundly at night. To an extent anyway.”
Aleksander’s heart twisted in his chest.
“The Little Palace started as a dream of a shadow summoner not long before the creation of the Fold. They managed to work their way up into the Ravkan court of the ruling dynasty at that time and over an extended period they got enough support to have the place built, though it took a few decades for the construction to be completed.
Since then it has served as a refuge for Grisha fleeing the violence and condemnation they would have to face elsewhere.”
He could see the gears turning in her head as she tried to make sense of his words. Sooner or later she would ask the inevitable question of how the Grisha here ended up as wisps except for him and he had to admit to himself he did not have a good lie ready. At least not one that would remove her probably growing suspicion on what was going on.
He could sense his shadows curling nervously in the air and cursed himself for not having a better grip on either his emotions or his shadows.
“Sensitive topic?”
“It is not exactly one of the things I like discussing the most, no.”
“I understand. History has uhhh… not exactly been kind to shadow summoners.”
By her reaction to him, he knows his shadows are intimidating her and a voice in the back of his head tells him he should probably comfort her; He knows that if he did she would keep asking questions about the palace, what happened to it, and by extent what happened to its Grisha residents and to him; Why he seemed to be the only human being in the place while the other Grisha resembled his shadows more than their own bodies.
His frustration clung to the walls as he tried to clear his head. Why did she make him feel this way? Why could she so easily reach into him and touch exactly what he was afraid of she would reach when he had spent more time than he cared to remember building walls around himself to ensure that would not happen.
He cursed at his mother for his predicament, for locking him up; For taking his control over the shadows; but most of all he cursed her for what she did to the Grisha in the palace and for the false hope of that impossible promise about true love she’d given him.
@blissfullybarnes @stuckysdaughter @hagarsays @ohsorandomlyme @bat-revival @littlebobree @profoundme444 @psychomanias @joossieisdabomb @thecatempire @hummelmia @kahlanmars @intothesoul @sarcasm-n-insomnia @jack-napier-2008 @phantomofmoon @marvelmusing @idaofinfinity
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Idk why I feel a particular need to weigh in on the "Does Gale want kids?" thing that occasionally keeps popping up in the tag, but apparently I want to, so I am. And I do wanna preface this by saying both that, I do personally tend to feel a little... squicked out when I see either characters who state they don't want kids or are blatantly pretty terrible candidates for being parents being given the Babies Ever After treatment in fandom. However, that said- strangers on the internet creating content in their free time that makes them happy, do not have to cater to my personal interests. Like, at the end of the day we're all just trying to have a good time, these are pixels, and if giving that character children makes you feel warm and fuzzy, great for you- it just isn't for me, so I'll be avoiding it. Plain and simple.
All that out of the way, while it still isn't my cup of tea, Gale is one of the characters I am not incredibly bothered by seeing it with- because while he does state he doesn't think he's father material, I definitely can see that as not a flat out statement of not wanting kids, but for a lot of childfree folks that statement is kind of a way of saying it without saying it. So, its flexible and open to interpretation.
And also it doesn't bother me as much, because like and this might sound like a dirty fencesitter option- but for me, I really do think for Gale it boils down to largely if his partner wants kids. But, I don't mean that in a "choose your own adventure" sort of way, so much as I genuinely don't think prior to like the player mentioning another person in a relationship and him misinterpreting it- that Gale has ever really given much thought to having kids. Because, think about it, his longest lasting/most emotionally invested relationship was with a goddess. One who, if I'm right on the lore, Mystra has had children (through possessing someone and decieving someone else) but mostly with the purpose of just having more chosen/followers, not an act of like lovingly wanting to raise children. And while maybe Gale thought about it, assuming a goddess would choose to have a half god child with you, would be a lot to assume. And then he was casted aside, deep depression, chronically magically ill, and a potential threat to everyone around him. Kids have been the last thing on his mind. So, I think genuinely once he's settled and with his partner, they're content, life is good- I think he'd be happy with life just being them and Tara and whatever collection of pets the player has dragged in. But I think if his partner said they wanted to go on the journey of raising a child with him, I think he'd be open to it.
Personally, my Tav/player Petra is also very content to not have children. She's good with them, but doesn't really wish to raise them. So, they're both content being childfree.
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