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#i've been thinking about this for so long
teaboot · 2 days
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This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.
I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.
(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)
Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.
And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.
I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.
And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.
But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.
But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.
And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.
So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.
And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.
But what if I hadn't known how to do that?
What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?
What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?
My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.
And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?
How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?
I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.
I think I'm gonna frame it.*
(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)
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vetyr · 3 days
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hi, i ireally love your work and i don't know if you've answered this before but, what kinds of studies do you do or how did you learn color theory? i wanna get better at rendering and anatomy but im having trouble TT TT
Hi! Long answer alert. Once a chatterbox, always a chatterbox.
When I started actively learning how to draw about 10 1/2 years ago, I exclusively did graphite studies in sketchbooks. Here's a few examples—I mostly stuck to doing line drawings to drill basic shapes/contours and proportions into my brain. The more rendered sketches helped me practice edge control & basic values, and they were REALLY good for learning the actual 3D structure behind what I was drawing.
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I'd use reference images that I grabbed from fitness forums, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, and some NSFW places, but you could find adequate ref material from figure drawing sites like Line of Action. LoA has refs for people (you can filter by clothed/unclothed, age, & gender), animals, expressions, hands/feet, and a few other useful things as well. Love them.
Learning how to render digitally was a similar story; it helped a lot that I had a pretty strong foundation for value/anatomy going in. I basically didn't touch color at all for ~2 years (except for a few attempts at bad digital or acrylic paint studies), which may not have been the best idea. I learned color from a lot of trial and error, honestly, and I'm pretty sure this process involved a lot of imitation—there were a number of digital/traditional painters whose styles I really wanted to emulate (notably their edge control, color choices, value distributions, and shape design), so I kiiind of did a mixture of that + my own experimentation.
For example, I really found Benjamin Björklund's style appealing, especially his softened/lost edges & vibrant pops of saturated color, so here's a study I did from some photograph that I'm *pretty* sure was painted with him in mind.
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Learning how to detail was definitely a slow process, and like all the aforementioned things (anatomy/color/edge control/values/etc.) I'm still figuring it out. Focusing on edge control first (that is, deciding on where to place hard/soft edges for emphasizing/de-emphasizing certain areas of the image) is super useful, because you can honestly fool a viewer into thinking there's more detail in a piece than there actually is if you're very economical about where you place your hard edges.
The most important part, to me, is probably just doing this stuff over and over again. You're likely not going to see improvement in a few weeks or even a few months, so don't fret about not getting the exact results you want and just keep studying + making art. I like to think about learning art as a process where you *need* to fail and make crappy art/studies—there's literally no way around it—so you might as well fail right now. See, by making bad art you're actually moving forward—isn't that a fun prospect!!
It's useful to have a folder with art you admire, especially if you can dissect the pieces and understand why you like them so much. You can study those aspects (like, you can redraw or repaint that person's work) and break down whether this is art that you just like to look at, or if it's the kind of art that you want to *make.* There's a LOT of art out there that I love looking at, probably tens of thousands of styles/mediums, but there's a very narrow range that I want to make myself.
I've mentioned it in some ask reply in the past, but I really do think looking at other artist's work is such a cheat code for improving your own skills—the other artist does the work to filter reality/ideas for you, and this sort of allows you to contact the subject matter more directly. I can think of so many examples where an artist I admired exaggerated, like, the way sunlight rested on a face and created that orange fringe around its edge, or the greys/dull blues in a wheat field, or the bright indigo in a cast shadow, or the red along the outside of a person's eye, and it just clicked for me that this was a very available & observable aspect of reality, which had up until that point gone completely unnoticed! If you're really perceptive about the art you look at, it's shocking how much it can teach you about how to see the world (in this particular case I mean this literally, in that the art I looked at fully changed the way I visually processed the world, but of course it has had a strong effect on my worldviews/relationships/beliefs).
Thanks so much for sending in a question (& for reading, if you got this far)! I read every single ask I receive, including the kind words & compliments, which I genuinely always appreciate. Best of luck with learning, my friend :)
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Reader makes 'I'm saying my husband's name wrong' trend to Charles
"What's the name on the reservation, please?", the man in front of you asked while Charles took a picture with a group of fans that were eating in the same restaurant as you would be.
"Charles Leclerc", you offered, purposely exaggerating the R pronunciation as the man led you and the rest of the group to the table for the night.
Charles didn't think much of it until you were the one to give the address to the veterinary when she asked the details with which she would update Leo's health bulletin, "you can put my boyfriend's first and then mine, Charles Marc Hervé Perceval Leclerc", you offered and Perceval came out of your mouth in a away Charles was sure not even anyone who had messes his name big time ever said it like. Sometimes, your voice breaks, and he didn't want to call it out like that when you were in public.
When you said it in front of your friends to celebrate Joris' birthday, though, he knew something was up because no one else pointed it out, "Charles! You're too cute!", you cooed, "I've been butchering your name nine ways to Sunday for the last week and you haven't said anything!", you chuckled before hugging his side.
"You were doing it on purpose?", he checked, "At first, I thought it was just a mishap, and then I was so worried about correcting you and I even asked my mother if she had trouble with our surname because two nights ago I dreamt that we were married and you couldn't say our surname properly!", he blurted out with a confession in the middle.
"I'm fine, mon coeur, just wanted to see how long it would take you to notice it", you giggled, pecking his lips as an apology, "also, Leclerc just rolls off the tongue", you winked.
(Thank you for sending this in ✨️)
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clockwayswrites · 3 days
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Danny is a minx and I am not responsible for him.
Okay, so, you all voted and I, um, failed? We didn't get to cuddling. There should be cuddling coming? Idk, darlings, this was my third start on this and Danny took over. I've got no say in this anymore. Canon-typical violence, crude language, cross dressing, discussions of prostitution
---
“You think you can fucking play us like that?!”
The shout carried easily through the crisp fall air. Red Hood sighed and changed direction away from his safe house and towards the noise.
“—fuck you up for that! Give us our fucking money back!”
“Fuck you,” snapped back a voice that Jason had come to recognize over the last several months. Right then the words dripped in fake, but damn convincing, heavy Crime Alley drawl, but Jason knew it all the same. “If yous don’t got it, don’t bet it. If yous don’t got game, don’t play it.”
“Yeah, no, I don’t think a little girl like you gets to say how this goes,” a third voice growled.
Hood clung to the edge of the roof just long enough to drop silently into the alleyway next to the dive bar. From the quick glance sent his way he was only noticed by the damn minx, so he leaned casually back against the grimy brick wall and unholstered his gun.
“Right? Yeah! Yeah, bitch! You don’t get to say how this goes!” the first voice shouted again. The guy’s shoulders were squared up as if he was some sort of threat in his overpriced, knock off bomber jacket and ill fitting jeans.
It almost made Jason want to sigh.
Actually, fuck it, Jason gave in and sighed loudly, knowing how it sounded through the modulation of his helmet. Bomber Jacket and his buddy, I Swear This is Real Italian Leather, spun around and then cowered so quick Jason swore they gave themselves whiplash.
“So,” Jason said with every ounce of disinterest he could put in his tone, “how does this go? Because right now, I’m thinking that it’s you two who are gonna be going before I put bullets between your eyes.”
“Right, um, yes Red Hood,” Bomber Jacket cowered and grabbed desperately at his friend’s pleather jacket to pull them out of there.
“And gentleman,” Jason said, making them freeze in their steps, “next time you lose your money to a pretty lady, you leave her the fuck alone about it.”
They nodded frantically as they backed the rest of the way out of alley and then took of running.
“I think you made one of ‘em piss himself,” the minx said, looking from the alley way to Jason with those striking aqua eyes.
Jason just shrugged and holstered his gun. “Probably.”
The short, tight skirt clung to the minx’s legs, pulling up enough with the sashaying steps that Jason had to wonder how everything stayed hidden. He kept still as fingers tipped in bright pink nails walked their way up his chest to the red bat. Aqua peered up from below thick, dark lashes. “And did I hear right? You think I’m a pretty lady?”
“Hair is nice like this,” Jason said brushing a gloved finger through the black strands that just brushed the edges of the chin. “But surprised your cock isn’t hanging out of that skirt with how short it is.”
Danny let out a started laugh, resting his forehead against Jason’s chest for a moment before he patted it and backed up to a more respectable distance.
“Duct tape and body shapers works miracles.” The fake Gotham accent was gone and replaced with the faint Midwestern drawl that Danny only seemed to let out around Red Hood. “And don’t make that face, the duct tape is outside of the panties.”
“You can’t see my face,” Jason pointed out, a bit grumpily because he had been grimacing at the thought.
“I was still right though,” Danny said with a smug little smiling pulling on his cherry red lips. It was a good color on him. He leaned back against the wall and spread his legs in a way that Jason couldn’t help but follow with this gaze. “Everything is fine down there, Boss, just a little squished. Offer’s still on the table if you want to check out the good. No charge for my darlin’ knight.”
Jason snorted at the continued offer from Danny; it was practically as good as ‘bye’ between them at this point since Danny seemed to offer it every time. “I’m not going to be one of your Johns, Danny.”
“Told you no charge. Could just be two people who like sex,” he offered with a little shrug, but pushed himself off the wall to leave. No, Danny pushed himself up off the wall with a wince.
Jason was at his side in an instant. “One of those fuckers get you?”
“No, so no hunting them down,” Danny said. His voice was confident, but the way he actually leaned on Jason’s offered arm was worrying. “Just a bad John— ex John. That’s why I’m sharking pool instead of working the corner.”
As if Danny had to work an actual corner anymore. He appealed to a very specific type of client that could pay to have something pretty and convincing on their arm and still get what they wanted between the legs and in the sheets.
“You taking anything for it?” Jason asked.
Danny just shrugged. “Nah, Boss, nothing over the counter works on me really.”
“Clinic?”
Danny snorted. “As if. They can test for STDs and that’s about as much as I want a clinic near me.”
Jason resisted the urge to cuss at Danny. He got it. After all, he only trusted Leslie or Alfred really— or a family member in a pinch.
Maybe he could just bluster Danny into getting some help. “Right, come on.”
“What?” Danny asked, digging his heels (and fuck those were some heels) into the ground.
Not willing to put with that right then, Jason just swung his arm under Danny’s legs and scooped him up like he was nothing. Fuck the Johns really had to be able to throw Danny around if they wanted that sort of thing.
“Boss, Hood, what the fuck?!” Danny hissed.
“Safe fucking house is what the fuck so I can check you over.”
“Boss, if you wanted in the skirt—”
“Danny, shut the fuck up and let me make sure you’re alright, alright?” Jason asked, looking down at him.
Danny stared back with a frown. Then his sighed, like it was the biggest concession in the world to make. Finally he rested his head against Jason’s chest. “Fine, Boss, whatever you say.”
“Thank you,” Jason said, more gently than he meant to.
-
Jason had to suck in several careful breaths as he took in the wound splashed across Danny’s ribs. “No fucking John did that to you and if they did—” if they took some sort of hot poker to Danny’s side— “I’ll kill them if they did.”
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dunmeshistash · 3 days
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Laios Backstory
I've been wanting to compile the comics that talk about Laios backstory for a while, especially after reading the "Laios and Family" extra from the new Adventurer's Bible that re-contextualizes it from Falin's POV.
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So I'll be posting and discussing parts from the manga and extras that talk about/show his and Falin's Backstory. Spoilers Ahead.
First, here are their timelines from world guide, its a nice way to situate whats happening and how old they are.
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Starting with chapter 52 - Bacon and Eggs, Laios tells his and Falin's story to his party for the first time, after being asked by Senshi why they came to the island.
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Laios left the village a year before Falin did. Falin was 9 and Laios was 12, they only met again 9 years later when Laios deserted the army.
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"That's why I decided that I would never leave Falin behind again. At least until she finds somebody new that she wants to be with."
Then there's the "Laios and Family" extra from the new adventurer's bible:
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I really enjoy the recontextualization from Falin's POV. Especially since we get to understand their parents better.
And Laios finally explains that he left so he could build a better life for them where Falin wouldn't be treated badly. Only to fail and realize she was doing better without him.
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They both want what's best for each other but they're too silly.
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"I thought if we parted ways at that point, I'd probably never see him again. So I went with him, without thinking about where it would lead."
Going back to Chapter 42 - Nightmare with this context.
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You can really tell how he feels like a failure.
Rereading those helped me appreciate the Caravan Extra and Arrival on the island from daydream hour better.
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This poor guy failed at everything he had set out to do at this point. And when Falin says "Long time no see, big brother!" she really means it, she hasnt seen a well groomed Laios in almost 10 years.
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amuseoffyre · 2 days
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I've been rolling around in Good Omens thoughts again and a gifset made something jump out at me.
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This is where the Metatron is going to come undone. He's got the same binary thinking as Heaven. Good or bad. Heaven or hell. Coffee or death. So predictable.
It reminded me of the scene in S1 when Aziraphale is confronted by the angels and they tell him "it's time to choose a side" and this is where it gets chewy and delicious.
Aziraphale points out "there obviously has to be two sides. That's the whole point, so people can make choices. That's what being human means - choices, but that's for them. Our job as angels should be to keep all this working so they can make choices".
He's already arguing for humanity all the way through S1, which is a problem, but it's something he's done consistently. Not questioning. Very much, not questioning. Just... offering suggestions. So this isn't news. He's even made these kind of suggestions to the Metatron before, so not new.
At the end of S1, Crowley points out that he thinks the real 'big one' is coming "Heaven and Hell against humanity". Aziraphale has been sitting with that knowledge for years. He and Crowley have been dancing on the edge of disaster with Heaven and Hell turning up whenever they wanted, invading their space, demanding their time and compliance even though they are seen as rogue agents.
Everything in S2 is Aziraphale trying to maintain the veneer of everything is fine while still dealing with the terror of it all falling apart. The "or death" has been hanging over them the whole time. He saw the attempted execution. He's been told by Heaven that Crowley is under threat.
But the thing about Aziraphale is that he never ever does the predictable thing. Yes, he agreed to go back to Heaven. Yes, the Metatron leveraged Crowley's safety against him to guarantee it. The statement of "I don't want to go back to Heaven" turning around as soon as Crowley's safety is brought into it. Yes, he'll be the Archangel.
But this is the angel who gave away his flaming sword and lied to God's face. This is the angel who interfered in a bet between God and Satan to save the lives of three children. This is the angel who collaborated with a demon so they could have more down time. This is the angel who was swayed towards saving the world because he loves his life there and all his favourite foods and music and indulgences. This is the angel who flipped the bird and dive-bombed out of Heaven to possess a medium and fly a scooter to the end of the world.
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Whatever the Metatron thinks he's done by separating Crowley and Aziraphale, he has no idea what he's unleashed. Crowley's bee metaphor comes to mind here. Angels are fiercely protective of Heaven but once you're inside? Well, that's another story. Aziraphale may look like a bee, but he hasn't been a bee for a long, long time. They knew it at his trial.
And Aziraphale can't say he didn't warn them:
"So you're probably thinking if he can do this, I wonder what else he can do and very, very soon, you're all going to get the chance to find out"
Heaven's got a big storm coming and they let it right in through the front door.
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me-writes-prompts · 3 days
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:-"I sense some tension...and not the friends type." Friends to lovers prompts-:
(Y'alllll I could not help myself. I had to do more!!! Hehehe. Tag me if you guys write any of these :)
The 'just friends' kiss that they have to do as a dare but they both like it and can't stop thinking about it 👀
^^ "I mean, I kinda liked it, I guess..." but then they see their friend's smug face and cough, "I didn't mean it that way!" "Uh huh."
"You know...for someone who says they like me just as a friend, you sure do blush a lot in my presence. What's up with that?"
Going on DATES without realizing that they're doing couple-y things and someone casually commenting they're a cute couple (hehehe)
^^ "We are not a couple. I swear-" "Yeah, never. They're not even my type." "Yeah, same here." (sureeeee mhmm)
Hugs lasting a little longer than usual, and it gets all awkward because they are waiting for the other one to pull away, but neither of them wants to.
Always being extra affectionate with them(i.e. complimenting, playfully teasing, etc)
Communicating using only their eyes(AHHHH)
Pillow fights turning into tackling fights into blushing messes
^^ "It's not fair though! You never let me tickle you! :(" "You have to get close to me to do that." They say with a teasing lick of their lips and a grin. "I- shut up!"
Borrowing their clothes and never returning it just so you can be warm and cozy in them and feel like it's their arms wrapped around you>>>>>
Calling them the first thing when they have a bad day, because they know seeing the other will make it so much better
^^"Hard day?" They ask with a gentle smile when they come in. "Yeah." And that's all they need before they have a cuddle session with both of their favorite movie playing and them just snuggled up :'((((
"You look at them like they hung the stars." A silence. "They did so much then that, and I can't ever be grateful enough, even if I wished to." (angsttttyyy)
*Confessing* "I...I love you. I don't know if it's okay to fall in love with your best friend, but I love you. And it's fine, if you don't love me back, because loving you has been the easiest thing I've ever done, and I'd never stop loving you even if you didn't love me back." "You know what? It is okay to love your best friend, because that's what I've done as well. And I would've never know that you also love me, if you never said it. So let me say this, I love you too." (I am deceased, did i just wrote that?)
Cue the long, slow kiss and the tears that run down their cheeks while doing so. And they lived happily ever after!
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rosyblooom · 2 days
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levi's jeans | ln4 smau
PAIRING: lando norris x fem quadrant!reader SUMMARY: y/n loves levi's jeans—it's all she wears, ever. so when lando has to draw her in a quadrant video, that's what he draws: levi's jeans. a bad attempt at flirting? maybe, but it gets the ball rolling. A/N: been listening to 'levii's jeans' 24/7 since the album dropped omg
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Youtube - Quadrant
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Twitter
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Instagram
yourusername
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liked by riabish, landonorris, yourbestfriend and 101,467 others
tagged: landonorris
yourusername happy now??? i don't only wear levi's jeans see😌
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username the lando tag??? lmao his drawing is still on her mind💀
username no but the way I didn't even question it when he drew jeans for y/n lool username @/levis I found yall's next collab partner
landonorris Why'd you tag me in this 🤣
yourusername u drew the jeans🙄 username ...how about u guys kiss and makeup hmm?😏
username oop get u a girl that can do both iktr!!
username why do i kinda want them to date tho🧍‍♀️
username babe me too username me three 🙋‍♂️ username i've been thinking little lando has a crush👀 it was soo obvious in the yt vid
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Instagram
landonorris posted to his story!
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[ caption: New Quadrant video out now!! Swipe up to watch ]
Youtube - Quadrant
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Twitter
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Instagram
landonorris posted to his story!
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[ caption: 👖 ]
[ tagged: yourusername ]
Twitter
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Instagram
yourusername posted to her story!
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[ caption: let's ride 🏍️ ]
[ tagged: landonorris ]
f1gossipofficial
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liked by username, username, username and 12,400 others
f1gossipofficial After two months of being spotted together numerous times in London and Monaco, and stirring up dating rumours, Lando Norris and fellow Quadrant member Y/N L/N were recently seen off the coast of Spain, soaking up the sun and looking pretty cosy.
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username it's already been 2 months??? omg can they just say yes or no i'm tired😩
username can yall not read the room? look at the pics and ask yourself if that's how friend act pls username they've been friends for ages before that, it makes sense not to rush into anything tbh
username OMG Y/N'S NOT WEARING JEANS🤩
username cause they're in the ocean??🤣 username a win is a win idc !!
username noo i hope they're just friends😭💔
username they're both so hot omfg
Twitter
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Instagram
yourusername
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liked by _aarava, landonorris, maxfewtrell and 389,576 others
tagged: levis
yourusername so happy to announce my levi's x y/n collab that's coming out next week friday!!😭 as everyone probably knows (and is sick of lol) i love me some levi's, so this collection has been soo much fun to work on and i'm very excited for you guys to see it!!🤍❤️💙
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riabish soo proud of you 🩷
yourusername ily🥹❤️
username nobody deserved this more than you y/n!! we will be buying !!
_aarava now you have an actual reason to be wearing them as much as you do🤣
yourusername never wearing anything else ever idc !! username hold on now y/n... let's not be rash😀
levis the countdown starts now👀❤️
yourusername 🫶 username i've been wearing y'all since forever where's my collab??
username love you sm y/n!!! <333
username @/yourusername quickly what's ur fav song on cowboy carter??
yourusername levii's jeans ofc😌 username love that for you girl!
landonorris
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liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, maxfewtrell and 774,890 others
tagged: yourusername
landonorris Never getting sick of your levi's jeans obsession🤣 So proud of you baby, I love you ❤️👖
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username took yall long enough🤧
yourusername 🩷🩷
(liked by author)
username i love you y/n🥰
yourusername u guys better not make that stupid emoji trend again istg😐
username hey girl💞 you might wanna stay off twitter for the rest of the day ! username 👖👖👖(🤭)
username fml
username con😭gra😭tu😭la😭tions😭
3:35 ─────────ㅇ─── 4:17
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honeybeefae · 3 days
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You're Mine (Eris Vanserra x Reader)
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Summary// After leaving Eris behind to fulfill your parents' desire for marriage, knowing the two of you could never be, you did your best to move on. It had been five years, and you were finally starting to settle into your life with your husband when a late-night visitor brought back feelings you thought you had long since buried. 
(This idea has burrowed its way into my head and won’t leave anytime soon, so I’m dragging you all into this with me. I hope you like it <3 It's been awhile since I've wrote anything so if you have any critiques or opinions, please let me know!)
WARNINGS: Smut, Fertility Issues, Verbal Abuse (Spouse), Physical Abuse (Spouse) (A slap but nothing more), Possessive!Eris, Jealous!Eris, Cheating, Breeding Kink, Spanking
Five Years Ago
“Mother, please!” You beg, tears streaking down your hot cheeks as she gives you a look full of pity. It was a useless cause to try to convince your father against this arrangement, but your mother… she used to be a dreamer like you. She once thought of running away with a prince, of living happily ever after, so why wouldn’t she give you the same chance?
“Darling, please, collect yourself.” She urges, grabbing your hands and pulling you towards her. “Pierre will be here any moment with his family. They cannot see you like this.”
“They don’t have to! You could sneak me out the back, let me run away with-” You begin only to flinch when she grabs your face roughly, her eyes shining with a strange mixture of anger and agony. 
“With you, Y/N? With Eris?” She hisses, eyebrows furrowing together. “He is the heir to the Court. He will never choose you. He cannot. He will go with whichever maiden secures more political power, and that is not you.”
Your lower lip trembles as her words cut through you like hot steel. They settle in your soul, trying to burn out any hope you might have, and yet you persist. 
“No, Mother, you don’t understand. I love him. He loves me. We’ve been courting for months, dancing together and strolling through the gardens. Hells, he gave me this!” You gesture to the ruby necklace resting above your collarbone, wrapped in a gold band that resembles a fox’s tail. “Everyone has seen us together. His family, my family, does that mean nothing?”
She stares at you for a moment, her mouth turning downwards as her fury fades into sorrow. You swallow, trying to get the lump in your throat to disappear as the silence stretches on, but it refuses. 
“My darling girl,” She coos, her hands now cupping your cheeks. “One’s first love is something special, an experience worth remembering, but it is one that is never meant to last. He has his duties, as do you. It was never meant to be.”
The realization of the situation hits you in waves of denial, anger, and agony. It makes your head swim, and your stomach lurch as you try desperately to find anything to keep you afloat. 
“What if he does choose me, though? What if his parents see me as he does? Someone who makes him smile and laugh, who treats him well. If you could just let me speak with him one more time, keep Pierre and his father busy, I only need an hour.” You try to bargain with her, placing your hands over her own. She goes to respond, your hope hanging by a thread, only for your father’s voice to rise above the two of you.
“He has moved on, Y/N.” He sighs, clearly exasperated by your antics. “Beron has told us about Eris’s betrothed. It’s been arranged since birth. It is time for you to do the same.”
“But if he knew, why would he fall in love with me? I know what I saw, I know what I felt.” You press, wrapping your arms around yourself as your father’s jaw clenches. “He wouldn’t do that to me.”
“You don’t think he would?” His scowl deepens as he glances at your mother over your shoulder before fishing for something in his coat pocket, ignoring his wife as she begins to protest. “Read this.”
“What is it?” You ask.
“Just read it.” He pushes the parchment into your hand, rolling his eyes.
Your fingers tremble as you glance at the letter, noticing Eris’s penmanship immediately. The words seem to blur together towards the end, but you realize it isn’t due to his writing but your tears. One of them splashes on the paper, staining it immediately as his voice echoes in your mind.
I regret to inform you of the ending of our courtship, effective immediately. Please know this is through not fault of your own. You were a wonderful experience. I should not have led you on, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Even though I am the least deserving of it. 
Yours,
Eris Vanserra
A loud sound echoed off the walls, and it wasn’t until your knees hit the floor that you realized it had come from you. You felt the world collapsing in, your dreams fading with each heartbeat as your worst fear came true. Your parents watched, one with sympathy and one with indifference, as you came to grips with reality. 
The silence after was choking you as the paper lay taunting you, his signature ingrained in your brain as a loud knock was heard from the front. Soft hands gingerly picked you up as your father’s footsteps led to the door, his voice booming as he greeted Pierre.
“Come now, Y/N,” She shushes you, brushing your tears away with a mother’s softness. “I know it hurts, but in time, it will fade, and you will find happiness with Pierre and your future family.”
“I cannot imagine feeling anything other than this, Mama.” You murmur, numbness starting to spread throughout your body as she smiles sadly and kisses your forehead.
“You will, sweet girl.” She assures you, pinching your cheeks to bring some color back as Pierre draws closer. 
“How do you know?” Your gaze raises to meet hers, searching.
She chuckles, though you know it is without humor, watching as she seems to drift far away for a moment before the sounds of your father's throat clearing behind you brings her back. 
Her arms pull you into a tight hug as she whispers into your ear, “Because I did.”
Present Day
From your wedding day to now, you have been desperately searching for the happiness your mom said would come. You threw everything into your relationship, forcing Eris into the darkest crevices of your heart so that you could move on. Pierre wasn’t an awful man. He was kind and generous, always concerned about your feelings and ensuring you were cared for. 
He knew about your past with Eris and never pushed you but soothed you like a balm to your soul. Your love for Pierre was different, but it was there; you just needed something more. However, you knew better than to dream of it. You could be happy with him, will be happy with him. 
Eris had made it very clear that he did not intend to return for you. He hadn’t even had the courage to come to your wedding nor send you any well wishes. You had seen him since, of course, but he always did his best to avoid you. If you did happen to catch his gaze during a dinner or ball, his eyes were always full of anger. 
It was in your best interest to forget all about him. 
You were torn from your thoughts as the front door opened, your husband poking his head around to look for you. A soft smile pulls at your lips effortlessly, rising up to greet him, only to stall when you see how angry he is. 
“Pierre, what is it?” You ask, forehead creasing as he all but slams a letter he had been holding onto the dining table.
“The new high lord,” He scowls, jaw clenching. “He is asking myself and the other merchants to travel across Prythian to secure new deals or else forfeit our titles.”
New high lord?
“Beron is dead?” You whisper, grasping the edge of the table. “How did he…who did…was it…?”
“Eris, yes, the treasonous snake,” Pierre grunts, raising his eyes to you. “It apparently happened overnight, and he is already throwing everything out. I knew he was a bastard, but to-”
“He is not a bastard,” You say before you can catch yourself, your mind screaming at you for rushing to his defense. You owe him nothing—no loyalty, no love, nothing. So why did you speak?
The air in the room seemed to change as he cocks his head, his eyes darkening dangerously. You feel the hairs on your neck raise as you step back, trying to put distance between you. However, Pierre doesn’t hesitate to follow you as the letter is now crumpled in his fist.
“I knew it.” He snaps, nostrils flaring as he grabs your arm and yanks you to him. You let out a small yelp, trying to push against him, but he doesn’t yield. “I’ve given you everything you could ever want. I’ve built you this home, this life when I could’ve treated you like filth.”
“Pierre, please, let go,” Your voice is a whimper as his grasp tightens. “You’re hurting me.”
“Me? Hurting you?” His laugh echoes off the walls, one of his hands running hastily through his hair. “Don’t act like you don’t deserve it. I’ve put up with this teenage moping for five fucking years. I’ve played the part of the gentleman, the family man, and you still can’t get over him. Pathetic doesn’t even begin to cover what you are.”
Tears fall down your face as you sob, finally gaining the strength to rip your arm away as he turns and punches a hole into the wall beside him. You cannot stop yourself from trembling as his shoulders shake with fury, his breath coming in short pants.
“Do you know what they all tell me? Our friends and family?” Pierre asks, closing his eyes. “They tell me how sorry they are for me. How much they pity me. They’ve even suggested taking a whore on the side, so at least that way I could secure an heir.”
The last sentence strikes deep, one of your hands resting on your lower stomach as he gives you a mocking laugh. You had been trying to have a child for a while now. Under the care of a midwife, you had been drinking the teas, reducing your stress, and month after month, you failed. Pierre had been there for you throughout it, promising you that it was not your fault, and for him now to throw it back in your face…it made you sick. 
“Y-you told me that it was okay, that these things take time. Going into this marriage, you knew what I had been through and who my former lover was, and you said it was fine.” You hate how your voice trembles as you keep your eyes on the floor. “I thought you understood me, that you could see I was finally starting to heal, but was it all a lie? Have I been sleeping next to someone who I do not know?”
He watches you momentarily, taking in how meek you look and the tears that now stain your face. Footsteps fill the silence and stop once you see his feet, a soft hand coming to cup your chin and force you to look up.
Pierre was there in body but not in mind. The eyes that once held so much comfort were now empty, the smile now a scowl, and his touch burning rather than soothing. He turned your face from side to side, mesmerizing your beauty before smirking.
“I guess that’s two men who’ve used you now, huh?”
You don’t register the slap you gave him until you see his pupils dilate, your eyes widening in fear as your palm begins to burn from the contact. He snarls at you, and before you can apologize or scream, you aren’t sure which one, he backhands you and sends you spiraling to the floor. 
“I’ll be back in the morning, don’t wait up.” He calls over his shoulder, straightening his jacket before he walks out the door without even a glance at your crumpled body.
It takes longer than you’d like to admit to collect yourself off the floor, your face red-hot even though you know you have already healed. He hit you. He yelled at you, belittled you, and then slapped you as if it were nothing. A wolf in sheep's clothing. 
Your hands dig into the wood of the table as you pull yourself up, hating how weak you feel as you cry. This wouldn't have happened if you had kept your mouth shut. Why did you even say anything? After all this time, why did you feel you still needed to speak up for the man who deserted you?
“Fuck!” You scream as your sadness turns to rage, grabbing a nearby vase and hurling it at the wall. It instantly shatters and clatters to the floor, flower petals scattering everywhere with the glass shards. 
It doesn’t make you feel better. So you throw another vase and another, and then a portrait until the room looks like a tornado ripped through it. But nothing is working to fill the hole in your chest that was just violently ripped open once again. 
A clock nearby chimes out twelve times, and you blink as you realize how much time has passed. Your adrenaline leaves your body quickly as exhaustion takes place, and your eyes glare at the front door one last time before you start heading up the stairs.
However, as your foot hits the first step, a loud knocking startles you. At first, you think it’s Pierre, drunk and probably without a key, but then you hear a voice. A voice that has haunted your dreams for five years.
“Y/N? Y/N, open the door. I know you are in there.” 
It can’t be…
You tiptoe to the door, your heart racing as you stare down at the knob. What should you do? Why was he here? What did he want? Should you even let him in? The consequences could be deadly, especially after what he had done just last night to his own father, but your heart was winning over your head right now.
“Please, my love, let me in.”
Your hand grasps the knob and turns it before you can stop yourself, the door opening to reveal Eris.
He looks the same, damn him. His red hair was tied back in a half-up style, the rest falling over his slender shoulders covered in a thick, dark green coat. Eris’s eyes, the color of molten amber, met yours with a ferocity that made your breath catch. Your stomach fills with butterflies as the night air caresses your skin, whispering long-forgotten memories that send your heart fluttering. 
“Eris…” you whisper, your voice tight with emotion. Whatever spell had taken over the two of you broke as you said his name. His hands came up to grasp your face as he pulled you in and kissed you, lips molding to yours as if they had never told you goodbye. 
And, cauldron help you, you kiss him back just as fiercely. You had thought about seeing him again more often than you care to admit, about how you would scream at him for what he did to you or prove to him you were better off without him. But once again, your heart craves what your mind desperately tries to discard.
It’s only when your back hits the wall of the foyer that you pull away, gasping for air as you shove him back. He blinks, dumbfounded, and goes for you again, but you shake your head and slap his hands away, gaze hot as years of resentment flood your veins.
“How dare you come into my home and kiss me like that after all you did.” You seethe, teeth clenching as he regards you like a caged predator. “You can’t just show up and do that! You can’t come in here and ruin my marriage, my life like you have any ownership of me.”
“I don’t think I was the one to ruin your marriage, little fox.” Eris replies smoothly, standing straight and giving a pointed look behind you to the mess of a dining room. 
“Don’t call me that.” You snarl, wrapping your arms around your body for comfort. “You need to leave. Now.”
“I won’t,” He states, looking you over. “I’ve defeated my father. I’m rebuilding the court and our reputation, gutting it from the inside out. I’m here to collect the last thing I need.”
Your brain goes fuzzy as he stretches out his hand, waiting for you to fall into his arms as if the past were not there. As if his letter and necklace weren’t still tucked away in a drawer by your bed. No matter how badly you missed and yearned for him, you couldn’t forgive him that easily.
“You led me on for years,” You say softly, your voice numb as you take another step back. “You courted me as if you cared. You made me believe we were real, that we would be together forever. Do you think I could just forgive and forget that after you left me with only a letter for an explanation?”
“I thought you were smarter than that.” Eris sighs and clenches his jaw, running a hand down his face as he closes the front door. 
“Excuse me? Get the-” 
“I didn’t write that letter, Y/N.” He interrupts you, coming to stand in front of you in just two short steps. “My father forced me. And yours, for that matter. I would never let you go. It was only under threat of your own harm that I chose to obey, but I swore to myself that as soon as I took control, I would come find you.”
The angry retort you had building dies in your throat, your head tilting to the side as if you hadn’t heard him correctly. 
“You…you didn’t mean what you wrote?” Your voice has a hint of hope, like the last spark of a fire, but you can’t help it. If he was telling the truth, and you still weren’t entirely convinced he was, it meant he had been waiting for you all these years. 
He grabs your face again, but it’s soft and caring this time, his thumb brushing across your cheek and collecting a tear you didn’t know had escaped. You look into his eyes, finding nothing but honesty, which only worsens it. 
“It hurt that you think I would treat you that way, that I could just throw everything we had away…” Eris whispers, tilting your chin up so you can’t look away. “I’m not your husband. I take care of what is mine. Forever. ”
The mention of him makes you wince and somewhat come back to your senses, glancing towards the clock and realizing he could be back at any moment. If he caught you with Eris, there would be no telling what he would do. Eris could take care of himself; he was a High Lord now after all, but you were vulnerable.
“Pierre…he could be home any minute. Eris, you can’t be here. You need to leave.” You frown, trying to move past him, only to gasp when his hand moves down to your neck and stills you. The hold isn’t tight, but you freeze, wide eyes looking up at him in worry. “Eris, if he finds you here with me-”
“Did you not hear what I said, little fox?” He asks mockingly, bowing his head so his lips can brush against your ear. “I take care of what is mine. And you are mine.”
Eris accentuates his words with a roll of his hips, his half-hard cock pressing against your lower half teasingly. You don’t stop the whimper that sneaks past your lips or the way your neck turns so he can mouth over your pulse point. 
“I’ve waited years for this moment, to see you again and take you home. I’ve watched as that pathetic excuse for a man dotes on you and brags about how pretty you sound in bed.” He growls, grabbing your hips and lifting you up effortlessly as you instinctively wrap your legs around his waist. “The only thing that kept me sane was knowing you weren’t moaning from him like you did for me, that he can’t fill you up like your needy little pussy begs for.” 
“Please…” You whine, though you aren’t entirely sure what you are asking for. His touch was like fire against your cool skin, setting you aflame in a way you hadn’t felt in years. 
One of his hands snakes between the two of you and quickly finds your panties, his lips curling back as he feels the heat of your cunt. You swear you hear him purr as he begins to furiously bite and suck on your neck and collarbone, marking you. 
“Tell me what you need.” Eris commands, pulling back to look into your eyes.
Words fail you momentarily as you stare at each other, your heart threatening to explode as he refuses to drop his gaze. There were so many consequences to this decision, no matter what you choose, and so many things that need to be said before you can logically proceed.
But when the pad of his thumb presses against your clit and circles it slowly, the corner of his mouth tilting up to smirk, you know logic will not win tonight. 
“You, Eris,” You moan, trying to press further onto his hand for more friction. “You’re all I’ve ever needed.”
You don’t have time to scream as he squeezes you tightly and carries you up the stairs, your body bouncing so that your lower half hits his cock with each step. He groans and looks around momentarily before kicking open your bedroom door. He then throws you onto the bed and starts to undo his belt, all while keeping those burning amber eyes on you.
“Strip. Now.” He orders, voice raspy as you hastily follow his instructions, your fingers fumbling with the laces of your corset. Eris is already naked by the time you have it halfway undone, his pale skin glowing in the moonlight as he stalks over to you and grabs both sides of your top. 
“I hope you weren’t too fond of this.” Eris hums, giving no warning as he rips it in two.  You shiver as the cool air licks at your skin, your nipples pebbling while he licks his lips in anticipation. “I always thought you looked better bare anyways.”
Heat runs down your body at the comment, your thighs clenching, immediately catching his eye. You try to rise up on your knees to kiss him, but he is quick to pin you down, straddling your waist as his cock rests heavily over your cunt. 
“Let me touch you, please,” You don’t even recognize your own voice as you beg for him. It had been so long since you had felt this needy for someone. “I need something, anything, just please!”
Before you can babble anymore, his lips collide with yours, claiming you possessively as two of his fingers prod at your soaking pussy. He bites down on your bottom lip, and at the same time, he shoves his fingers inside, giving you no prep as he swallows your cries. 
“I know, baby, I know,” He coos into your ear, moving to nibble on your earlobe. “We can make love next time, but right now, right now I need to fuck your pretty little brain out to make up for lost time.”
Your back arches as he curls his fingers, finding your spot with ease and teasing you as he kisses down your neck and to your breasts. He sucks your left nipple into his mouth, capturing it between his teeth and tugging until you moan. His cock is leaking against your thigh as he ruts against you. 
Rough sex wasn’t new to you, though it had been a while. Pierre was always gentle, taking his time, and while Eris had his moments, he was quite fond of making you beg. However, when fantasizing about this, you always imagine Eris cherishing the moment. This was raw and feral.
“Eris, I’m c-close…” You groan, rolling your hips so he can get even deeper. Your walls flutter around his thick fingers, squeezing them, but right before you can fall over the edge, he pulls them out roughly. “No!”
“The only way you are cumming tonight is around this cock.” He grunts, flipping you over so that you are lying on your stomach before dragging your hips up. Both of his hands squeeze your ass before he lines himself up to your hole, rubbing his length up and down to coat himself in your slick.
“Ohhh fuck…” You moan as the head catches on your clit, your entire cunt throbbing in anticipation. “Fuck me.”
“Not yet, little fox. I want you to tell me how badly you want it.” Eris says lowly, grasping his cock and barely pressing into you before pulling away. “Tell me how much you missed me, how much you thought about me while your husband fucked you in this bed.”
Your nails dig so hard into the mattress you are sure you’ll rip it as you screw your eyes shut, already so sensitive from his teasing. It felt so wrong to speak the thoughts you have been burying for so long, to admit that you never got over the High Lord behind you. 
All of your inhibitions get thrown out the window, though, as he lands a harsh smack on your ass, his fingers pinching your clit in annoyance. 
“Don’t pretend like you haven’t thought about this, about me, Y/N. That whenever your husband would roll over at night after a mediocre fuck you wouldn’t rub that needy clit while wishing it was me.” He hisses, one of his hands grabbing a fistful of your hair and yanking until your neck is craned up. “Give yourself to me, let it go.”
“Yes, okay, yes, I haven’t stopped thinking about you!” You sob, every nerve in your body on edge as he grins in approval. “Every time I had sex, every night in the bath, I couldn’t stop picturing your hands. Your chest. Your cock.”
Eris rewards your confession with what you had been craving, thrusting his entire length in one fluid movement as your pussy burns from the stretch. 
“More. Give me more.” He demands, pulling almost all the way out before snapping his hips forward.
“I-” You swallow, your mind starting to fuzz with the ecstasy of having him back inside you. “I would close my eyes and pretend it was you. I wanted it to be you. He could never compare to you, could never make me feel this good.”
Your head drops down as he lets go of your hair in favor of grabbing your hips, hypnotized by the way your cunt swallowed him whole. His hair was starting to stick to his forehead as he truly fucked you. There was no gentleness, no tendrils of love, just pure ownership and passion.
And cauldron damn you did you love it.
“Gods damn it,” Eris swears, moving one of his hands underneath you to rest on your abdomen so he could feel just how deep inside you he was. “Touch yourself, Y/N. I want you to cum on my cock as I fill you up.”
There was a distant panic in the back of your head at the thought of him cumming inside you. You weren’t on any special tea to prevent pregnancy. In fact, you were on something to encourage it. 
“Eris, wait-” You try to protest, your words dying in your throat as he starts to rub your clit for you. His hands are calloused from years of use, giving you the friction that you need to cum within minutes. “Eris, I’m not on any birth control. If you-”
“What, you think I don’t want to knock you up?” He chuckles, voice rough as he increases the speed of both his fingers and thrusts. “Oh, Y/N, did you already forget you’re mine? I came here to claim you and breed you, little fox.”
“Oh my gods,” You whimper, the image only making you draw closer to your finish as he bends over to get right next to your ear. 
“You’re going to take all of my cum and thank me for it. I’m going to do what your husband couldn’t, right here in his bed for him to smell when he comes home.” Eris sneers, a tingle going up his spine as he feels his balls tighten with the need to release. “I’ll have you barefoot and pregnant for me before he can even come get you. You’re fucking mine.”
“Yours, Eris!” You repeat, eyes rolling into the back of your head as you clench around him. He gives one more circle on your bud, and you are gone, lost to a mind-numbing orgasm that has him throwing his head back and roaring. 
Every muscle in your body tightens and releases as you greedily milk his own cum into your womb, your screams echoing off the bedroom walls. You don’t even register Eris biting your shoulder, the pain mixing dangerously with the pleasure as small rivulets of blood run down your back. 
You feel your knees give out as you collapse onto the bed, lungs begging for air while Eris slowly pulls out of you. He is silent, and you have just enough strength to look back to see him watching his speed leak out of your gaping hole, his fingers quick to collect it and stuff it back inside you.
“Eris…” You whisper, your eyes are heavy as he gingerly lifts you up and cradles you in his arms. “Is this…did you really come back for me?”
He lets out a small huff of air in humor as he nods, kissing your forehead and smoothing away your hair. Exhausted, you lean into the touch, and he seems to hold you closer. “I’ll always come back for you, little fox.” 
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rynwritesreid · 1 day
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Heaven’s Gate| Spencer Reid
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A/N: MGG and Theo James will forever be the most attractive men to me. How can they both co-exist in this world?! Anyway, I hope everyone is doing amazing, and yes I don’t know any of you irl, but I love each and every one of you, and thank you for 1k followers. I hope you are all having the day you deserve, and please if anyone at anytime wants to talk about anything and everything, I am always 100% down to do that 🫶🏼 Jag älskar dig.
Request: Too Sweet by Hozier from the lovely @ladylincoln . On requests, I’ve had one to do head cannons/drabbles/etc about pregnant R! With the cm men, if anyone else requests for these please let me know, as I will be doing these requests v soon!:)
Summary: Spencer Reid truly loves you, but is questioning if this relationship if fulfilling for the both of you. However, after he realises he wants to be with you, you think it should be better to break up anyway because you think he deserves someone better!
Content: F!reader. This is mainly fluff, but there is angst and mature themes. MDNI 18+. Light dom/sub themes. Talks of breaking up. Caring/loving Spencer. Insecure reader. Based on too sweet by Hozier
Masterlist|requests are open|Navigation
Spencer Reid loves you, he truly does. You are, in almost every sense of the word, perfect. He fully believes that if you had met him 10/15 years ago, then you two would be the perfect match. But Spencer is not the person he was back then, now. Why would he be? He’s been through so much, that no one can blame him for changing. He just sees the world differently now, and that is okay. 
His friends, they loved you. They often described you as the perfect mix between Reid and Garcia. You were highly empathic, incredibly smart, amazing with technology, loving and compassionate, you have a beautiful personality and the most incredible smile. Spencer knew almost everyone who knew you, loves you. 
And while Spencer loves you, he wished you were more experienced, or well to put it better, he wished you were more mature. You viewed the world through rose tinted glasses, and that nobody can be truly evil. He did love that about you, but he knew it wasn’t true. The world and humanity can be evil, and he didn’t know how to break that to you, and he knew that if you stayed with him, that your version of reality would be shattered. 
Spencer had also taken note that vocally you were very confident. You loved speaking, you were very well spoken, and your voice is soft and calming, everyone loved listening to you speak. But you were very self-conscious about your body image. Most people wouldn’t notice it, but Spencer had spent a lot of time admiring you, and he had picked up on the fact that you wouldn’t let people stare at your body for too long. 
Spencer tried to find the right words to express his concerns to you. He knew you deserved honesty, but he also feared hurting you. Spencer didn’t want to break up with you, but he didn’t know if he could wait for you to become more bitter towards the world or if he really wanted you to be, less sweet.
So, as he sat next to you, listening to you tell all his friends the most amazing stories, waiting for you to notice his hand on your thigh, his mind wondered as what to say to you, or if he was going to say anything at all. 
But deep down, Spencer knew he couldn't keep his feelings bottled up any longer. As he felt the warmth of your hand enveloping his on your thigh, he turned to look into your eyes. The love and admiration that shone in them brought a pang of guilt to his heart.
"Hey, can we talk for a moment?" Spencer's voice was soft, hesitant.
You turned to face him, concern flickering across your features. "Of course, Spencer. What's on your mind?"
Taking a deep breath, Spencer gathered his thoughts before speaking. "I... I've been thinking a lot lately about us. About you. You're incredible, and I care about you more than words can express. But I can't ignore the fact that there are things we need to address."
Your brow furrowed slightly, sensing the seriousness in Spencer's tone. "What do you mean?"
"I mean..." Spencer paused, searching for the right words. "I see how compassionate and kind you are, and it's one of the things I love most about you. But I also see how the world has a way of changing people. I worry that your view of the world might shift in a way that... that might hurt you." Spencer's voice faltered slightly, his gaze never leaving yours.
You listened intently, feeling a knot form in your stomach. "Spencer, are you saying you don't think we're right for each other because of how I see things?"
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying at all," Spencer rushed to clarify. "I just... I want us to be able to navigate through everything together. To be open and honest with each other, even when it's difficult."
“Spencer Reid, I thought you were breaking up with me.”  You felt at ease now knowing he didn’t want to break up with you, but you were still on edge. "Never," Spencer replied quickly, his eyes wide with sincerity. "I could never imagine my life without you in it. I just want us to be able to grow together, to face whatever challenges come our wayside by side. I love you more than words can convey, and I want us to have a future together where we can both be our true selves, no matter what life throws at us."
Your eyes softened as you took in his words, a wave of relief washing over you. You were at a loss for words, this man was far too perfect for you. “Spence, I’m ready to go home now. But you can stay with your friends if you’d like.” Your voice still soft, but Spencer could tell there was a hint of sadness.
As Spencer gazed into your eyes, he felt a surge of love and determination. Without hesitation, he stood up, offering you his hand. “You think I’m about to let you go home and cry because you thought I was going to break up with you? No way. I’m coming back with you.”  he said softly, a reassuring smile playing on his lips.
It was a quiet journey back, neither of you speaking a word to one another. It wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward, but it was more like you both comfortable with each other. 
*
Once you were back at your apartment, Spencer broke the silence “You know, you shouldn’t be self-conscious. I wish you could see yourself the way everyone else sees you.”
You looked up at Spencer, a mixture of surprise and curiosity in your eyes. His words touched you deeply, a warmth spreading through your chest at his sincerity. "Spencer, I... I don't know what to say," you began, feeling a lump form in your throat. "I've never had someone care for me the way you do."
Spencer took a step closer to you, his gaze unwavering. "Well, get used to it because I'm not going anywhere," he said with a small smile that reached his eyes.
Tears welled up in your eyes as you reached out to cup his face in your hands. "Thank you," you whispered, overwhelmed by the depth of emotion swirling between you two.
In that moment, surrounded by the quiet of your apartment and the gentle illumination of soft lamplight, Spencer pulled you into a tender embrace. He gave you a small kiss, one that he knew he would be able to give you again and again. 
“Spencer.” You paused for a brief second, you felt your eyes welling up once again. “Maybe we should break up. You deserve someone who knows what you’ve been through. Someone who is the perfect match for you.”
Spencer's heart skipped a beat at your words, the air in the room growing heavy with unexpected sorrow. He pulled back slightly to meet your gaze, his eyes searching yours for any hint of doubt. "No, no," he whispered, his voice laced with urgency. "You are everything I never knew I needed. You bring light into my world, and I can't imagine my life without you in it." Spencer's hand reached up to gently brush away a tear that escaped down your cheek.
You shook your head, feeling conflicted and overwhelmed by emotions. "But what if I'm not enough for you? What if my inexperience or naivety holds you back from finding true happiness?" Your voice quivered with uncertainty as you voiced your deepest fears.
Spencer's expression softened, his thumb caressing your cheek tenderly. "You are more than enough for me," he murmured, his eyes filled with unwavering sincerity. "I don't want someone else. I want you.”
Spencer grabbed your face, making sure you were making direct eye contact with him. “Don’t ever say or think that you are not good enough for me.” He didn’t let you respond before pulling you in for a kiss. But this was deep, and unforgiving. He wanted you to know he meant it. 
As the kiss deepened, a flood of emotions washed over you. You felt the intensity of Spencer's love and devotion in that single moment, a reassurance that erased any lingering doubts in your mind. His lips were firm yet gentle against yours.
But Spencer wasn’t finished, he wanted to prove to you how perfect you are to him, and he wanted you to regret thinking you weren’t good enough for him.
He broke the kiss, his eyes locking onto yours with a fierce determination. "I want to show you just how much you mean to me," Spencer whispered, his voice husky with emotion. Without hesitation, he took your hand and led you to the bedroom.
"Spencer," you whispered, feeling a rush of emotions welling up inside you.
He silenced you with a soft kiss, his lips moving against yours with a tenderness that spoke volumes. With each caress, each touch, Spencer conveyed his feelings for you in a language that needed no words.
Spencer unbuttoned your shirt, revealing your prink bra underneath. “How could anyone this beautiful, be self-conscious about themselves.” His voice still husky but filled with admiration. As he started to strip you from the rest of your clothes, his eyes wondering your body, but he wasn’t allowing you to hide from him. 
Spencer gently laid you down on the bed, his gaze never leaving yours. He traced the curve of your cheek with his thumb, a soft smile playing on his lips as he took in your beauty.
“Now what can I do to show you, you are enough. That you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon?” Spencer trailed off, his eyes reflecting a mix of desire and adoration as he leaned in to kiss you once more.
Another A/N: I’ve recently got into playing ACNH(I know I’m late) so if anybody wants to be friends on there please let me know:)
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wolfythewitch · 16 hours
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hi I feel like I've been attempting to interact with your stuff way too much and I'm probably annoying you but I wanted you to see some of my own sketches of your Hadestown au bc it had a chokehold on me yesterday and it wouldn't leave me alone. I decided Elias would be Hermes for several reasons
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(You don't have to read this bit if you don't want to lol)
Tim doesn't have anything close to a guide/mentor figure in tma and Elias is probably the only person who a) has a connection to him and b) actively utilises Tim's decisions for his own ends. He's a bitch yes, and his Hermes would be a much more insidious, manipulative one, but there's really nobody else who fits the bill as much as Elias does. He enjoys the tragedy, actively basks in it in fact, and I think while Hermes continues to tell the story hoping that it might end well one day, Elias would tell it knowing that it never will and enjoying the inevitability of it all. He would appear genuine to the other characters, but the audience would know that he's a rat bastard - and this would show through to Tim during "Hey, the big artiste...".
Also I gave Jon a bundle of heliotropes instead of a red carnation bc they signify devoted, undying love and they have a tragic origin derived from an old Greek myth.
enjoy (or don't, whatever floats your boat). your art is very cool and got me to enjoy my own art process for the first time in a very long time so thank you a lot for that :)
Oh this is so cool!! Your style is so pretty and aaa jonmartin dancing <33 I've thought more about Elias as Hermes but I've come to the decision that I don't want the tone to shift that much haha, and Elias being hermes would definitely switch the tone of hadestown needing you to think every time that maybe, maybe this time it will end with a happy ending
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babygazette · 2 days
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HOW I BECAME YOUR MOTHER
synopsis : rafe meets your strict parents for the first time and the dinner goes to shit. rafe takes it out on you after and keeps his word.
warnings : minors dni, 18+ smut, passive aggressive parents mostly reader’s dad, talks of impregnantion, mainly oral (m!receiving), light mention of penetration, p in v.
author’s note : i think the timeline is a bit fucked up and yes ward is actually dead in this, i can bend my fics however i want so welp. hope you enjoy anyways!!
word count : 1,273
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📠 📰 ────────*𑁍༘⋆ ────────
it really depends on which rafe it is. s3!rafe would do well cause mature businessman or whateva but s2!rafe is funnier because its
— a complete disaster. that is what it was. you knew you should've never let this cocaine addicted psycho dumbass of a boyfriend meet your strict parents. it's a recipe for disaster and disappointment. you had been putting this off for so long until your parents insisted on inviting your boyfriend over and here you were.
"babe, come on you look fine!" you huffed out at rafe who was currently freaking out in the car because he hates parents but he loves you so. "just be yourself, they'll love you. pleaseee, can we go?" you whine out, tired of sitting in his car that was parked a block away to not let your parents see you two or more specifically rafe. you have been parked here for a while, just listening to rafe go on and on about all the things that could go wrong which was a lot and to be honest, you weren't exactly doubting it but you just wanted to get the possible trauma over with.
"oh yeah, yeah real great advice, genius. i'll just go snort coke in front of them or— or fuckin' i dont know!" he runs his hands down his face, trying to calm down, "alright. y'know what, lets just fuckin' go. i'm sick of this already."
────────*𑁍༘⋆ ────────
"so rafe." rafe's head snaps up at the sound of your dad's voice, the dinner table so silent until now as you awkwardly pick at your food, your parents didn't seem too impressed about the boy. "no college?" you almost groan aloud at the question cause of course.
"oh. uh. no, no, not currently sir." rafe shakes his head with his lips pressed together, you don't remember the last time you saw rafe actually take a bite instead of playing with his food. your eyes glance at your dad who just nods before taking a bite of his food, elbows on the table as he folds his hands together, giving rafe a certain stare while your boyfriend continues. "yeah uh, i've got my dad's business in store so."
“heard what happened, my condolences, real unfortunate.” you bite your lip as you watch the whole interaction, looking at the clock on the wall and just hoping that the time was gonna speed up somehow. “yeah, yeah.. real unfortunate.” rafe replies dryly meanwhile you think it would be great if a car just ran into your house right now.
“you’re young to be running a business on your own, you sure you don’t got someone else to run it?” this makes rafe’s eyebrow twitch because that’s his business, no one else’s. you close your eyes like you were saying a prayer before your hand slips underneath the table to squeeze rafe’s hand like please don’t freak out right now. “no? i think i’m perfectly capable, sir. why you— you don’t think i can do it?” his craziness was slipping and so were you, wanting nothing more to melt into the chair with the tension in the air.
your mom just silently judges rafe, not saying anything. i mean, at least she’s okay with it but only because he's a cameron, a win is a win i guess. you clear your throat before your dad even thinks about replying because you really did not want this to escalate but your dad talks anyways. “of course not, just looking out for you. i guess i shouldn’t right? it’s not like i have to worry about my daughter being taken care of in the future since this won’t be lasting any longer.”
hold up, excuse me? your head snaps in your dad’s direction, eyebrows furrowed because you did not like what he was implying right now, “what do you mean by that, dad?”
you’re met with a scoff from your dad as he placed his fork down, “you don’t seriously think this little thing is gonna last right? it’s just something you’ll grow out of!” now this has got you fucked up because you tilt your head at him like he was talking nonsense and he was.
rafe quickly interjects, “yeah, this was a very nice dinner. you don’t gotta worry about us, uh..” rafe lets out sniff before smirking, “i’ll see you at the next one, yeah? i’ll take very good care of your daughter— gonna look real nice next time when she’s pregnant.”
────────*𑁍༘⋆ ────────
the next few minutes were a blur, all you remember is your dad yelling at rafe for his words and your mom looking horrified before rafe dragged you away. you don’t know how you’re gonna face your parents next time you see them but you know you’ll look nice with a pregnant belly. after all, rafe always keeps his promises. maybe your kids will look so cute that your parents will boil over.
but rafe was pissed and you of course had to help him let out his anger. “fuck— that’s good, baby. look at you, your dad’s gonna have a stroke if he ever saw this.” he chuckles as his hand pushes your head farther down his dick making you gag. you pull him out with a pop, letting your drool slobber all over his cock as you stroke it, you glare at him with your eyebrows furrowed. “rafe, don’t bring up my dad while i’m doing this. that’s gross.” you whine at him while rafe just rolls his eyes and grips your hair in a nice ponytail, shoving your hand off before forcing you back down onto his dick. “yeah, yeah, shut up and keep taking it down that throat. gotta let him know what a good cocksucker his daughter is next time.” a groan slips past his lips as his head tilts back against the headrest, guiding your head up and down with his hand.
your hand slides over to his balls, massaging it in a way that makes rafe close his eyes and grunt loudly. the reaction causing you to fight off a grin. you look up at him with glossy eyes, the car carpet’s not too pleasant on your knees, rafe can’t help but fuck your throat harder when he sees how helpless you look. his balls hitting your chin over and over while his dick hits the back of your throat causing a burning sensation that almost makes you choke. your nails dig into his thigh as rafe’s arms flex to help guide your head to meet halfway with his hips.
he’s so close but instead of giving you a taste, he pulls your head back up with a grunt. “alright, get up. now, c’mon.” rafe orders you, reaching over you to knead your plump cheeks before slapping it. “can’t waste this load here, need it in that pretty cunt. gonna do exactly what i promised at that dinner. you remember what i said, baby, huh? repeat it for me.” he says as you scramble onto his lap, positioning your entrance over his leaking tip as rafe holds his shaft for you.
“gonna make me a mommy.” you flutter your eyelashes at him, slowly pushing yourself down, your tight walls wrapping around him and molding to the shape of his dick. rafe’s hands instantly grab onto the plush of your ass once you get one or two bounces in, hips thrusting into you from underneath even though you haven’t even adjusted yet. he’s always too impatient when he’s got a plan in mind, “that’s fuckin’ right, good girl. my girl.”
you can already imagine how the second dinner went.
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rthko · 2 days
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please define camp. I see it said so much to describe anything.
@sougeeee Camp is an an aesthetic sensibility most famously described by Susan Sontag in her 1964 essay, Notes on Camp, where she disclaimed that "to write about camp is to betray it." The term has long been popular in queer circles, but exploded in popularity online with the 2019 Met Gala, themed and named after this essay.
Here are some characteristics of camp:
Camp is failed seriousness. I think a lot of uses of camp lately emphasize the silliness and lightheartedness but play down the melodrama and passion. Sontag writes here that camp "finds the success in certain passionate failures." Failure is a common theme in queer aesthetics and worldviews; as Quentin Crisp said, "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." Writing about performance artist Dynasty Handbag, José Muñoz described the "failure" of her work as "not an aesthetic failure but, instead, a political refusal."
Camp is innocent. The camp that is most satisfying to Sontag is not trying to be bad on purpose but dead serious in its grandiose intentions: "naive" camp. To do it on purpose is what she calls "camping," and this is what the Met Gala in 2019 ended up being. As it's been said on here, Karlie Kloss's claim that she was "looking camp right in the eye" was accidentally closer to camp concept of fabulous failure than the look itself. Admiring camp is not to point and laugh but to sincerely appreciate it. Sontag writes: "Camp taste is, above all, a mode of enjoyment, of appreciation - not judgment."
Camp is artifice. It involves a love of the unnatural and exaggerated, and this explains why most drag is not simply female/male impersonation. There's an undue association between femininity and artifice, especially when it comes to trans women, lesbians, working class and racialized women (Julia Serano most famously writes about this as part of the basis for transmisogyny). While it's important to challenge this, some have taken the approach of playing with this in a tongue-in-cheek way. In her essay "Rogue Femininity," Elizabeth Marston writes: "let's say that femme is dispossessed femininity. It's the feminity of those who aren't allowed to be real women and who have to roll their own feminine gender."
Camp is apolitical? One of the first points in Sontag's essay is that "To emphasize style is co slight content, or to introduce an attitude which is neutral with respect to content. It goes without saying that the Camp sensibility is disengaged, depoliticized - or at least apolitical." In a way I agree. This sort of detachment is why George Santos the right wing politician was obviously abhorrent, but George Santos the former drag queen and fallen diva was, unfortunately, very entertaining. Since Sontag wrote this essay before Stonewall, it must have been hard at the time to see any overlap between camp and politics. But as the examples I've chosen so far might show, I do see a political angle, and a political discussion to be had over which expressions of art and being are considered unnatural or unserious. For instance, Black queer art like the bejeweled collages of Mickalene Thomas and the exuberant sculptures made of trinkets by Nick Cave address the racial angle in the demarcation of high brow and low brow.
There's a legacy in queer politics that calls for a sort of hedonistic, bejeweled extravagance for all. Jules Gill-Peterson writes about the transfeminine travestis in Latin America, and a term they use,mujerisima. The English translation is less glamorous--"extremely woman" or "the most woman"-- but to Gill-Peterson this represents a vision of racialized, working class anti-austerity and anti-assimilationist sensuality and glamour. In A Short History of Transmisogyny, she asks: "What's wrong with being extra? Abundance might be a powerful concept in a world organized by a false sense of scarcity."
So for an in-depth description of camp, I still recommend Sontag's essay for its insight and cultural impact. She's right to address the association between camp and homosexuality, but the association between failed seriousness and excess with marginalized subjects doesn't stop there. So I hope people realize camp is not an irony-poisened, "doing it ironically" hipster thing, but a perspective and way of life to find real joy and freedom in.
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glitterjay · 2 days
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I've been thinking about gagging around Jakes finger a bit too much lately 😞
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⭒ suggestive content under cut, mdni
⭒ c's note: jake's hands are so pretty...
⭒ taglist: @hollyoongs @moon7jay @wondipity @defnotfertilizedtoesw @kwiwin
jake noticed how your eyes were fixed on his hands all the time, how you would follow their every movement while he tried explaining things to his friends. if he was being completely honest, he found it cute.
on the other hand, your mouth was watering at the thought of having his long fingers in the back of your throat. how his cold rings would feel om your lips as his hands fucked your mouth.
you were convinced he was doing everything on purpose. he was observing you every time he played with his rings, changing them from one finger to another. how he asked jay to compare hands with a smile on his face, looking over at you when jay complained about his own hands being just a bit smaller.
jake was always like this when his friends were over. his cocky personality made him compare himself to everyone in the room and prove he was better. he was possessive, but not to a concerning point, and it was hell for you that he knew what you were weak for.
-
while everyone was busy laughing at whatever sunghoon was doing in the loving room, you took this as an opportunity to drag him away from everyone. he was having fun watching you drool over him and it was only fair for you to have your turn at having fun.
"you should've seen how much you were drooling," he pointed out as soon as you both entered the bathroom. he took your face between his hands and caressed your cheek with his thumb. "i know you go crazy for my hands, baby girl."
his thumb moved right on top of your lower lip, pressing it until your mouth hung open. jake took this as an opportunity to insert his thumb into your mouth, pressing it hard against your tongue. this activated your gag reflex, making you gag a little, to which he chuckled.
"i want you to suck on this fingers as if they were my cock."
© glitterjay | tumblr
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I admire your patience with those readers who need you to spoon feed them the story. Everything is in the comics but they still manage to go pass it. I can't help but feel a bit sad for them? Do they not understand what they read? Are they not attentive when reading it? I'm legitimately concerned because I function so differently I can't fathom this. If you like a story, isn't it normal to make your best to grasp it's essence and reflect on it? I know I project a lot about this, everyone works and registers things differentely of course but sometimes it's very frustrating to see people consume any media and just completely miss all the important messages in it, or even just fail to get the scenario sometimes, and it feels like it's very common now... Idk I just wanted maybe to have your perspective on this? Sorry for the long post (Been here for a few years now and your a true inspiration to me. All my luv to you! ❤️)
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You know, I'm gonna be honest. I used to stress out about this... a LOT.
As a story-brained person, this is definitely something that comes naturally to me, and perhaps to you, and to many other people who are wired similarly. To us, following the path of a story in an analytic, highly detail-motivated manner and unwrapping the themes can be as exciting as lifting up a rock to see the bugs underneath. It's an exciting mental activity that's stimulating and feels effortless.
And yes, as an author who spends literally 60% of my day thinking about this comic and how to draw it, panel it, script it, make it better (I script and panel in my head constantly)........ I have trouble realizing/dealing with the fact that some people are just here to CASUALLY enjoy the story that I am lowkey obsessed with.
But I've come to realize that... that's NORMAL! And healthy.
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People have different attention spans for different things.
People have varied ways to read a story and engage with it.
People have unique interests.
People don't have the same amounts of energy to devote to reading!
Maybe someone missed a detail I lovingly and painstakingly put into the dialogue because they're reading the update late at night after a long shift at work. And maybe someone scrolled past the dialogue completely and just got the gist from looking at the art, because they're in a hurry to get to practice at their favorite sportsball.
And maybe someone just had a really bad day with a really bad encounter, and they're reading the update in a terrible mood and instead of seeing MY grey-morality narrative, they're focusing on all the negative points and misread the vibes because of their own biases that stem from places of hurt.
The thing is, I have to be okay with that as an author, because I will NEVER be able to get into my audience's heads and read this comic 'correctly' for my own sake.
They will always have a slightly different interpretation of things, and they will always misunderstand details and miss clues. And sometimes, they will be wrong about the way they read a character's motivations... and sometimes maybe they won't be! That's just a part of communication. That's a part of telling a story.
An imperfect delivery, and an imperfect reception should, in my opinion, be a natural and accepted part of storytelling. We're human, and we all have a different lived experience, and we will ALL have different takes on a comic, even if it's so close that we THINK we are both getting the exact same thing. That small human interpretation variation is a home-made touch that makes it feel more organic.
In short.... Not all light particles make it here from the sun, but damn the result is stunning anyway.
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aurae-rori · 1 day
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DR RATIO ANALYSIS
SPOILERS FOR 2.1 CONTENT!
Now, you might be saying - "Aurae, Oh No! and Are You Satisfied? are much too basic songs to analyze Dr. Ratio to! Just because he's a scholar doesn't mean that he has academic trauma!" WRONG! Before we start, I have been researching psychology for approximately six years and I plan to go into it professionally. HOWEVER, that said, I am NOT a professional (YET. One day I will be. Yay for Aurae!) so understand that everything I come to conclusions about has been analyzed with some personal judgement, personal interpretations, and this is just what I have concluded with the info that I have deconstructed from his brain. If you disagree, that's fine!
I will be pulling from my own experiences with being a "golden" and "gifted" child, as well as the experiences I've had speaking to other people who were those. I will also be pulling from my experiences of researching and seeing how people with superiority complexes work, as well as diving into how those work (from what I've seen, as well as how they conceal a lack of self-esteem).
OKAY, NOW THAT THAT LONG AHH DISCLAIMER IS OVER, ALLOW ME TO WORK MY PSYCH ENJOYER MAGIC! Let's deconstruct Dr. Ratio like a lego toy.
Let's start off with how Dr. Ratio presents himself. When you first meet him, he seems like a haughty, arrogant asshole. He likes to PRESENT himself as a stoic, superior scholar who is purely in it to win it, and I got total "*stares down at your tiny body and laughs at how you lack knowledge*" vibes at the very start, due to how he goes around calling people idiots all the time. However, he DOES lose the idgaf war, and we can very quickly see that he does care for other people, even if in his own, strange way. Dr Ratio presentation: An asshole. The reality?
His entire character is based around the idea of helping the masses. He wishes to spread knowledge through the cosmos and give people who didn't have access to it, access. He's a harsh teacher, and calling people 'idiots' is NOT the way to motivate them, but he's doing his best™.
Actually, no, I'm going to go full psych into this. Okay, so here starts the Dr. Ratio and my FATHER COMPARISONS. My father is a professor and he is often called a harsh grader by his students. However, I've spoken to him multiple times because I was curious - why is he so harsh and diligent with his grading system? The answer is - he wants them to actually learn. When he's grading, he gives them harsh marks because he wants them to know exactly where they messed up, and he's always willing to stay after hours to help students understand where they can't. My father also is an enjoyer of knowledge, and for as long as I've remembered, he has prioritized teaching me how to think critically. He wants me to be able to think for myself - and I think that's what Dr. Ratio wants, too. He wants for his students to be able to fully comprehend and absorb the information that he teaches, and although his methods are harsh, he genuinely wants to help. My father's like this too - he hates students that waste his time or aren't here because their hearts are in it. Dr. Ratio hates people who aren't taking their education seriously because knowledge is important. Knowledge is a tool, and to disregard it completely is lowkey kind of insulting - especially when there are people who weren't privileged enough to actually get it, so this isn't something that you should take for granted. Dr. Ratio despises people who take knowledge for granted.
Also, I disagree with the claims that say that Dr. Ratio hates the genius society. He shows open respect for them in his voice lines. Just check them if you need proof. Also, I'll delve into the idea of Aeons and recognition later.
Now that we’ve established that Dr. Ratio kins my dad, let’s let's tackle the 'stoic' allegations. He is LOSING the idgaf war. Like, really badly. He has a temper of a thousand suns and snaps at people frequently, despite his 'impassive' face, his tone holds a LOT of emotion. He seems to feel very deeply and has a shit ton of empathy for others - why else would he be dedicating his entire career to helping others? Of course, he doesn't express this in 'typical' ways of being openly kind - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for other people. In fact, he seems to be pretty good at putting himself in the shoes of others and understanding them - expressed in the 2.1 quest where he tells Aventurine to tell him if he can't hold on any longer. Also, he loses the IDGAF war because he is actively trying to help people who want to learn and trying to spread logic and knowledge across the cosmos to those who didn't have it before. Would a man who didn't GAF do that? No!
Now that we've covered his view on knowledge and the way that he presents himself, let's turn to the way that he SEES himself. Now, this is where we get into the nitty gritty of gifted child trauma & academic trauma as well as crippling expectations. It's literally explicitly said in his character stories that he sees himself as mediocre, and it's canon that he doesn't have a good view of himself. His self-esteem is down in the fucking trenches along with my sanity as I write this analysis. The reality is - being called a genius your whole life doesn't really make you feel better about yourself. I'd know. I was. In fact, it makes you feel fucking worse when you can't live up to an expectation. We all fail in life. It's part of being human. But when you're held to such high standards - idolized for your knowledge and the way that you're 'gifted' - the crash comes really fucking hard. Failure is inevitable, and when people who are held on that pedestal experience it, they take it really bad.
The reality is that nobody - not even geniuses - are perfect, but you grow up believing that you are. Then, when you fail for the first time, it all comes tumbling down. The first time I came home with a bad grade was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I hadn't studied because I was arrogant and I thought that I was smart enough to pass without putting any extra effort into it - because I was a 'gifted' child, right? I should've been able to do it without studying like the other kids. And that's the thing with gifted children – you grow reliant on that title. You cling onto it for dear life for motivation, as well as self-perception. Little by little, the person you are falls apart as you slave away to the perception other people have of you. I think basically every gifted child that I've ever spoken to is a victim of this – and of course, you can heal from this mindset - but it's a hard one to shake.
Ratio's way of presenting himself as being a 'genius' and 'arrogant' also seems to contradict the way that he calls himself 'mundane' at the same time. However, these are two mindsets that can coexist. One part of you believes that you are a genius and that you are perfect, while the other part is crumbling and calling yourself good-for-nothing every time you make a mistake. It's a tiring cycle to live in. This usually leads to people shutting themselves out and closing themselves off after living like that, pushing back your own feelings in favour of being the perfect child. However, we don't know the exact details of Dr. Ratio's childhood, but we can infer that he was held to a pedestal, and this is a very harmful mindset for a child to have.
His superiority complex comes both from how other people view him, but it's a way to cope with his crippling lack of self-esteem. I'm sorry my guy. Also helping others probably helps him feel like he's worth something and makes him feel better because he bases his entire worth off of what he can do and how he can help others. However, this is just my personal interpretation backed by what I have already deconstructed. 
In general, this is an easy way to crush self-esteem. You spend your whole life working to meet the image of what other people think you are. In fact, another reason why Dr. Ratio might be so harsh is because that’s the kind of attitude he holds towards himself when conducting research – he’s as hard on himself as he is to others. You end up hating the idea of failure, instead of seeing it as it should be - a way to improve and grow. Actually, I think this could be a reason that he went out of his way to break that illusion of 'worshipping geniuses' in the Space Station. Maybe some sort of childhood connection? Personal connection? In his endeavour to spread more knowledge and make people think for themselves and not blindly follow geniuses, to wake them up and let them think for themselves - maybe, somewhere, in there, he's helping that little child that was almost dehumanized for his intelligence. TLDR: Conflicting mindsets due to trauma, brain vs heart almost - his knowledge that he is a genius vs the crippling lack of his self worth.
Now that we've established Dr. Ratio's self worth, let's take a look at the impact Aeons had on him. Nous, the Aeon of Knowledge itself. I think in a world where the Gods are real, tangible beings that you can reach out and talk to - it makes sense that someone with high ambition and someone who's been called a genius his whole life would seek the confirmation of Nous. When you're a man of knowledge, and you've spent your whole life working with it, being praised for it – it feels natural to look for a god to look down upon you and bless you, right? The Genius Society – it should house him, because he is a genius as well, right? Imagine this – you have been called a genius your whole life, held to that kind of pedestal for so long, and now you wait for the recognition of the Gods. Because if you truly are a genius – then surely, a higher being will recognize your intelligence, right?
The invitation never comes.
And then, comes the doubt.
What if I'm really not a genius? What if everything I've worked for is a lie? Aeons are beings that are 'absolute'. If the god of Knowledge won't accept you or even cast a glance upon you, does that mean that everything was wrong. Gods see more than humans, after all. Gods know more than humans - and that spiral... I think you can see if. (If you don't let me know. I will ramble about how a failure like that can make you spiral down into a worse mindset). 
However, the reason why Ratio was never invited to the Genius Society is simple. It’s because he LOSES THE IDGAF WAR. Now, if we look at all the people we know who are in the Genius Society - we find one thing in common. They’re in it to win it for themselves. They don’t help others using the knowledge that they’ve gotten - they use it to pursue shit for themselves. The people of the Genius Society are inherently self-serving. They WIN the idgaf war. Ratio LOSES. Do we see now? 
Ratio’s empathy is the reason why he wasn��t let in. He is too human. Nous is a computer. Herta is detached from people. Ruan Mei is literally looking at life as test subjects. Screwllum is a robot. 
OUR DOCTOR MAN LOST THE IDGAF WAR, BECAUSE HE IS HUMAN AND FEELS FOR OTHERS!!! 
Also, it’s a plausible theory that Nous’s definition of ‘genius’ is different from the human definition of ‘genius’ – it’s a computer, after all. Who knows what’s going on in that code head of its. 
However, we still love you Ratio. Never stop losing the IDGAF war. 
TLDR: Nous is a computer. It is also in it to win it. It is also self serving. It gazes upon the hoes who are here to win it for themselves. Ratio is busy serving the masses and cooking knowledge in his frying pan. To it, there is no logical reason to be doing this. Therefore, no reason to invite this guy to the Genius Society. 
Ratio’s gifted child trauma says otherwise. He wants in. Why wouldn’t he? He’s been working his whole life as a genius. 
Nous is like… nah bro, you care too much. Ratio is like, ‘what the fuck?’ And then the AEON OF KNOWLEDGE GOES FOR THE MILK. 
Okay, now, quick shoutout to Ratio wanting to help others. He is just like me fr. SO BASICALLY, RECAP OF EVERYTHING I JUST SAID:
Ratio LOSES the idgaf war because he cares about other people. Spent his whole life as the golden egg, and then turns to the gods for recognition because of the inherent trauma of being a child genius. He goes, "hey bro, can you confirm that I am in fact a genius?" and Nous goes, "no, you are too busy cheffing for the masses." Ratio goes, "what the fuck?" and then we collectively realize his attitude comes from blocking off his feelings (while failing miserably), being salty about not being recognized, being put on a pedestal for his whole life, and his crippling depression *cough* lack of self worth *cough*. 
Oh, and the "I will never be enough" thought train probably hits him every single day. He is not enough to be recognized by a God. Gods are superior to humans. Maybe nothing has worth after all. Hey, that's Nihility! Hi IX, let's hear what you have to say.
*muffled ix noises*
I see, I see.
The consensus is: HE'S TRAUMATIZED BY EXPECTATIONS! HE WILL PROBABLY SUFFER FROM BURNT OUT GIFTED CHILD IF HE HAS NOT ALREADY!
Okay, now, before I delve into song lyrics (and I KNOW this has been long, just bear with me) I want to talk a little bit (read: a lot) about his relationship with Aventurine. We all know that he cares about Aventurine in his own way. But I want to pull in another idea that I didn’t cover before: 
Ratio’s fucking emotional constipation. 
Basically, the reason why he has trouble connecting with others is because he was most likely alienated by others as a symptom of being called a genius and being put on a pedestal. This makes him seem unapproachable to his peers, most likely, and therefore, as a result, doesn’t know how to properly connect with others. This just makes his way of presenting affection and care to others even more challenging – because he just doesn’t know how to do it in a healthy and clear way. Academic trauma causing emotional problems, because he’s probably a little bit out of touch with his own. Processing? No! Research. Also, this is very important for understanding Ratio’s character in my opinion, because he’s just a little guy who doesn’t know how to articulate. Maybe he’s got a touch of the ‘tism. Tism mutuals, do we agree or disagree? 
However, in comes Aventurine. Love Aventurine, but they are both emotionally constipated. Aventurine displays his affection in ways that Ratio probably only catches after re-analyzing their time together about five times. He’s also a very closed off individual – but Ratio knows this. A cute thing is that Ratio is patient where he needs to be, even if he’s generally a pretty hot-headed guy, and I’m like… bro… that letter… “I wish you the best of luck”... I will wait for you…. GAY ASS MAN…
Sorry the Aventio demons took over. Anyway, what I’m trying to say here is that they both have nonverbal communication with one another that they clearly decipher and Ratio obviously cares for him (he came back and almost jeopardized the plan just for the sake of his ‘coworker’... okay gayboy…) and they just have such a neat little dynamic… Aventurine lets Dr. Ratio do his thing… understands his emotional alienation to a degree…. they’re so neat….
Okay, Aventurine segment over. NOW, FINALLY, WE CAN GET TO THE SONG LYRICS!!! YAY!!!! We all cheered!!!
We are going to be here for two more amber eras, because I realized I actually want to analyze every single lyric from both of these songs. Brace yourself for like, 2k more words. Help. 
I think it’s only proper that we start off with ‘Oh No!’ the song that has haunted me since my childhood.
“Don’t do love, don’t do friends
I’m only after success
Don’t need a relationship
I’ll never soften my grip”
Remember when I mentioned that alienation was a big part of Ratio lore? Yeah, that manifests itself in this. When you spend your entire life chasing after knowledge and being held to that standard of untouchable genius, it makes sense that you couldn’t connect with others and that you turn your gaze only to success. Therefore, relationships that are interpersonal lose meaning for a bit – you’re just looking for answers and ways to help them, not connect with them. Also, this is what he wants to do – so he’s never going to pass down an opportunity to better himself or to help someone else. 
“Don’t want cash, don’t want card
Want it fast, want it hard 
Don’t need money, don’t need fame
I just want to make a change
I just wanna change, I just wanna change” 
This is directly alluding to his reasonings for distributing knowledge across the cosmos. Was he based on this song? Maybe he was. He’s not looking for money or fame, his ultimate goal is actually pretty selfless – to bring knowledge and give people the tools they need to think for themselves. He just wants to make a change – he just wants people to be able to have access to knowledge and help cure ‘stupidity’. He wants to do it as quickly as possible, always reaching for lofty goals that might seem impossible, but he will make them possible. 
“I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I’m now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, oh!” 
Ratio knows his goal. He knows what he’s working towards. I do believe that he understands why he is the way that he is – he has a degree in Psychology, after all. He knows how he’s been hurt but at the same time, the trauma brain probably doesn’t want to recognize it and he hasn’t stepped into healing yet. He knows what he went through impacted him, but he’s too busy helping others to help himself. He’s becoming what he wants to be, and yet he’s not, all at the same time – which causes the idea of “oh no!” as a kind of cry for help, almost. He’s too proud to ask for it himself, of course, so he’ll fall alone until someone manages to catch him and give him the strength to continue holding on. Aventurine is that. 
“One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I’ll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
‘Cause I feel like I’m the worst
So I always act like I’m the best” 
Now, these are the exact lyrics that made me associate this song with Ratio in the first place. He’s got a singular goal that he will do nothing to stop at getting, that he goes so far to get to. However, as I mentioned earlier, failure is not an option for those who were deemed gifted or genius. You are perfect, so therefore you must live up to everyone’s every expectation and surpass them, too, in order to keep your perception of yourself intact. Ratio does not hold himself in high regard, but acts arrogant in order to hold himself together and not fall to the self-deprecating thoughts, even if they fall through the cracks. It gets tiring to hold yourself together like that for a long time, you know? 
“I’m gonna live, I’m gonna fly
I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna die
I’m gonna live, I’m gonna fly
I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna die” 
Remember how I was talking about contradictory mindsets and how they can coexist. This is them. The feeling of crippling self-hatred and lack of self esteem versus the idea that you can do it, you can make a difference – you were born a genius, this is what you’re going to do. This is the knowledge that you are a genius vs the lack of self-esteem that Ratio has. “Mediocre” vs “genius” mindset, eh? 
All the other lyrics in this song are repetitions of what I’ve analyzed before, so let’s move onto “Are you Satisfied?” 
To be honest, there are only a few lines in this song that allow me to connect it to Ratio, so therefore, I will only be analyzing them. However, if you think that other lyrics can connect to him, I’d be interested in knowing how. 
“What you’re gonna be 
It’s not my problem if you don’t see what I see
And I do not give a damn if you don’t believe
My problem, it’s my problem that I never am happy
It’s my problem, it’s my problem on how fast I will succeed”
Pretending to not care about how the world sees you is so fucking real. Sometimes, you really don’t give a shit, and sometimes it’s all you can think about. Ratio… doesn’t seem like he’s the happiest person. He works himself hard and he’s always chasing after a goal that must be exhausting. He’s always doing his best, and I think even with his empathy, it’s easy to start not giving a shit after trying for so long and so hard. Accepting help is one of the hardest things that anybody can do, especially with how much pride he has. His personal problems are his personal problems and he can deal with them on his own. 
“High achiever, don’t you see? 
Baby, nothing comes for free
They say I’m a control freak
Driven by a greed to succeed
Nobody can stop me” 
Nothing comes for free. A lot of the things Ratio has achieved is due to his own intelligence, yes, but also because of a shit ton of hard work. His goal is literally to cure the universe of ‘stupidity’ – and that’s a pretty large fucking goal. He is a high achiever who likes to know the details of every situation when he can in order to try and make things better, and he is driven by a greed to succeed. Why wouldn’t he be? Success is important, and success means helping more people. He isn’t going to allow himself to be stopped by anybody – not even anybody from the Genius society. 
Okay, and we have finally reached the end of my analysis! This caps at around 4k words, so if you stuck around for this long, thank you so much. I would love to hear any of your comments, and I hope you laughed a little bit. Thank you again! This means so much to me that you read. <3
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