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#i've been harmed by this show
meirimerens · 4 months
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I've only now noticed Eva Yan's scars on your drawings of her, is there any story or headcanon behind them?
keeping it real babygirl [gender neutral] the story is that this woman canonically kills herself, canonically contemplates suicide, quite explicitly mentioning the method she intents on using to you (with implications that she has, at the very least, thought about it/thought it through before), and lives with broken mirrors so she cannot (/doesn't have to) see her face like i just think She Is Mentally Unwell. like as a long-term, enduring, persistent thing, She Is Mentally Unwell and the plague is just worsening her condition, while it didn't cause it. the storey/headcanon is that she is mentally ill, openly and canonically has self-destructive tendencies, so. the scars are here because she lives with a lil something something in her mind which drives her to plenty of destructive acts in ways big and small. ywkim
#like when i jokingly and lovingly called her a ''mentally ill bisexuelle''. i wasn't joking. ykwim#man i've given eva those for a long ass while i can't even rember when i started. i give some to peter too for the same reasons#(except he doesn't succeed in killing himself. but he does try.) but like. he has long sleeves & pants when i post him on here so. elusive#suicide /#self-harm /#what's that diagram showing how the closest you are to dankovsky the more suicidal you are. as someone who's been there#i can reclaim chuckling about it#ring ring (answers)#anonymous#& even if she doesn't die in my mind [bc she doesn't in every route] well. she still has those. she lives through them; and then with them#and lives on. you know. real recovereds will get this etc you get the jist#this is equal part story and headcanon on that one but there's also this pattern that eva throws her whole body into destruction. ykwim.#the way she kills herself is fullbody; entire physical body out of a window; it's not like how she first mentions it to dankovsky#it's a complete and utter destruction [which is not destruction *to her*; because; well we see how it ends]#it's also easy to see how her constant seeking of companionship; her sudden infatuations for a stranger and her offerings of companionship#can also be read as her ''throwing her whole body'' into it [here; into something that; maybe; can ''fill a void'' left by her spiritual#emptiness. so in the spirit of ''putting her whole body'' into destruction/into trying to fill an intangible void left by emptiness and fel#well. scars and the act make sense to me at least. because there is that attempt to exteriorize an inner suffering with acts like those
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smolfangirl · 10 months
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I went to a local fabric store today that I haven't visited before and while they have more fabric to offer than any other store here I've been to so far, I'm not sure it'll be my favorite... because the owner was just. A Lot.
Like. I didn't ask for a lecture on how a 300€ sewing machine can't possibly do a good job and that especially new sewers need the better equipment and that starts at 600-700€. That's an insane amount of money! Especially for someone who is just picking up a new hobby and doesn't know whether they'll stick to it long-term! Even horseriding is cheaper to pick up, and that's a hobby that's notorious for being expensive to begin (and maintain).
And to then have the nerve to imply that me being happy with my machine comes from a place of unconsciously justifying my choices! As if I haven't seen experienced sewers consistenly do incredible stuff with machines cheaper than mine. As if the art could only ever be good if you use the most expensive, inaccessible tools. As if my machine (good girl) isn't fun to work with. (Side note: I've had her for six months now and already heard from two people that they'd love to take her if I ever upgrade, unprompted. But sure, she's no good 🙄)
If anyone read til here: you don't have to spend 600€ on a sewing machine. You don't even need 300€! While I dearly love mine, I know I'm in a privileged position to have been able to afford her. Sewing doesn't have to be this luxurious hobby *some people* are making it out to be. There's only a handful of stitches/functions/etc. that you really need, everything else is mostly just nice to have and therefore very optional.
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dragon-spaghetti · 1 year
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Hey aren't you tracing from Rise screenshots? It does not really seem like a redraw since you didn't make it...
Tell that to the over 7 1/2 hours of work tracked on the most recent one anon. You're really gonna tell me I didn't make shit?
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chiropteracupola · 6 months
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interesting how the internet archive has the eagle of the ninth as a tv series from the seventies and as a radio program from 2010 and as the full text of the book in FRENCH... but not the original book :(
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thedreadvampy · 8 months
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Got a paramount+ trial subscription. Just finished watching all of Strange New Worlds (review: solid star trek shenanigans, pretty much all bangers with the exception of the Spock-is-human episode which just suuuuuucked and the Klingon war trauma episode about which I have let's say Philosophical Reservations in that it could have been more Space M*A*S*H. not as gay as I was promised, in fact I would say disappointingly heterosexual. adore uhura, hemmer and la'an. cannot believe they gorned my boy 😢)
Off sick all week with COVID can't really do anything except lie around and watch TV.
#red said#an addendum to the snw review is like#bearing in mind I'm a big time ds9 guy#i really like every episode of this i think it's fun and delightful. however there are certain philosophical undercurrents I'm#at best kind of iffy on. wrt militarism.#there's points where it feels sort of like the message of the show is that it's naive and harmful to seek peace#or reconciliation#and i think that if i hold it up to tng or ds9 or even tos on that front that's a philosophy that doesn't match up with what i like in trek#like both ds9 and tng are very much about commanders doing extrajudicial war crimes but there's something about the framing#i guess like. it feels To Me like when sisko does a war crimes it weighs very heavily on him#whereas idk. it feels like the message of all the time shenanigans in snw keep coming round to You Should Feel Bad For Not Doing War Crimes#and particularly the arc with Pike staring down his fate concluding with 'you shouldn't try to change this'#compared to like. the foundation of Star Trek being 'in between two unacceptable solutions you have to look for a third way'#it sits a bit wrong for me. like. maybe they're planning more on that but it feels like they've concluded that arc with#'guess i have to let people die to prevent a future where i try to make peace then fuck it up'#like the message of season 1 is You Can't Change Your Fate which is. a weirdly doomery one.#don't get me wrong I've really been enjoying snw i think it's probably the most flat out Good Star Trek since DS9#buuuuuuuut. i have Reservations. as i always do.#also callout post for my pal saying this is the gayest star trek. there's no fucking gays here and the nonbinary character is a 1-ep villain#i mean ortega is for sure a dyke but not explicitly#2 seconds of Andrew Robinson and Alexander Siddig sharing the screen in DS9 is gayer than this whole season and a half of SNW#literally are ANY of this cast canon queer? feel like there's a couple of lines of throwaway bisexuality but be real#we had that in the 90s#it's not toppling DS9 for gay rep any time soon and DS9 was made in the era where you weren't ALLOWED to be gay on star trek#(unless you were evil or a worm)
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citrine-elephant · 1 month
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so, reflecting on last night, and watching something a little triggering/hopeful:
exploring leon's trauma via my own sounds very pleasant. very fun.
huge trigger warning below:
thinking. leon's worst, maybe even worse than what was shown in vendetta or talked about via his suicidal ideation.
wondering how far he would canonically go to cope. would he, one night, smash a bottle after having chugged the whole thing? a mix of rage and dread in his snot-filled sobbing. maybe the glass is embedded in his palm now. maybe he sees the blood running down his fingers and pooling on the table. maybe he gets inspired.
shit, maybe he gets that rush of euphoria every time he gets banged up on a mission. a sick sense of relief. he knows it's wrong, it's bad, it is so unhealthy. but it's like him punishing himself and the bows doing it for him is what he deserves. he's so deserving of this pain and torture. it's what he deserves. it's right, it's just...
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effen-draws · 1 year
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This is what this account needs. It needs me be cringe about a Danish medical horror office comedy from the 90s and making quick painterly fanart of it.
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foxgirlmoth · 2 months
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So my life is feeling like its on an upward swing since this is my final semester for my associates, I'm starting a new job real soon and also possibly have a really nice remote job if I hear back from a few places I recently applied to.
And it always terrifies me when good stuff starts happening.
Change is really hard for me especially when it feels like its all at once. With better pay comes the opportunity to leave my parent's house finally and move in with a girl who has lovingly stolen my heart. With my school behind me I can find better jobs even!
But at the same time, its just. So scary for me. What if I can't keep up my part of rent. What if my chronic pain or ADHD or other disabilities put a strain on someone I love to my core, and I end up making things worse because I get extremely emotional and will scream (at myself mostly) and panic during these high stress times (especially if money is involved)
I've had a 'safety net' of family members who barely tolerate the fake me I present myself as, and I know my mental health is going to be so much better when I'm not around them, but at the same time I need so much help sometimes. Family just happens to help in terms of shelter and food. It also doesn't help that the one other time I moved out it ended so so poorly that I'm still working through that trauma.
Hurting the love of my life in any way fucking terrifies me. I want nothing but the best for her always always always. I just know I can't always be at my best, its impossible to be. I will break at some point and probably scream and cry about how things aren't going nearly to plan and I'm so weak so often I don't know if I can pull myself together fast enough to not hurt myself or her with my untrue words.
#I used to have (What I'm pretty sure now were autism) meltdowns so bad when I was younger.#I was always told I was selfish and that I can't expect to have x thing or y thing fixed#And I would scream and slam my hands against my legs and the ground#Its never been pretty#I just learned to cry before it gets to that point now and I just sob so fucking much#But if it feels like my life is over? I just. I just can't. I'll still scream and cry and pulp my legs bruised and hands bleeding#And showing my wife all of me includes all of these things I hate. This could happen if I move in with her#I haven't had a meltdown in a while from what I remember#It was probably right after I moved back in with my parents. And was pretty much coerced into an environment I felt extremely unsafe in.#tw self harm#jic cause I have mentioned beating myself#I haven't been close to a meltdown around my love at all tbh so maybe I'm scared for no reason. I mostly just cry because#Thats what happens when any emotion runs high#<- Girl who is currently crying typing all thid#also I hope no one reads hurting her as physically. I've never thrown a punch in my life. Well. I guess except at myself#Huh thats the first time I've thought of it that way. That sucks#I just know that 1. Being loud in general would not be nice to either of us. and 2. I can be a bitch! I can say some rancid shit!#And that would! Be fucking bad and hurt! And I so desperately don't want that#And I know accidentally hurting someone is something you need to expect when you're in a close relationship with someone#It still fucking sucks though#AUGH I just needed to type this all out I'n feeling better already. I'm just a scared girl so often.#I want to live more and more each day so I know I'll make it. Even if I do it scared. I guess I hope you see this honey#Since this is stuff I should be talking about with you#Getting my thoughts sorted though before talking is good though. The reason I type this on fucking tumblr is because it helps me think#Also being vulnerable and letting friends and mutuals and the like see all this is a chance for me to better myself I suppose#This has been a runa rant#runa diary#I have a habit of overthinking. Methinks#Honestly my current safety net of family has been pretty fucking bad#The one time I earned a little bit more money than I needed for bills I was basically stripped of a lot of it paying my folks rent
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moonselfships · 1 year
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running-in-the-dark · 4 months
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commsroom · 2 years
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What do you think eiffel was thinking about when he asked hera to destroy his and Pryce's memories during the finale? I was always so struck by his decision to self sacrifice but also (also!!) about the implications it has for either him intentionally inciting permanent harm on another person or that he doesnt consider permanent memory loss permanent harm?
i think what the show is trying to communicate about eiffel's decision is described best in hera's reasoning: "i don't need to beat you. no matter how much i want to, no matter how much you deserve it, it wouldn't change anything. what i need is to make sure that you're not going to hurt anyone else again. ever." it is enacting harm, but it's also preventative. how do you negotiate with people who have intentionally and systematically removed themselves from humanity, who don't even recognize your humanity? what's justified in preventing future harm? i think there is a meaningful difference in an action taken to protect others vs. one taken in retribution, even if retribution is justified.
i think there is also an angle from which you can consider his self-sacrifice another form of self-destruction. so much of eiffel's character arc comes back to the ways he tries to get away from himself, how much he doesn't want to be doug eiffel. all of the ways he fractures his identity, tells stories in the third person. how he distances himself, and how that's distanced him from the people he cares about, when all of the men in all of those stories are still doug eiffel. if you consider eiffel's memory loss a finality, then it reads as a fulfillment of that desire, and i just... don't think that's what the show is going for.
and then you have his survivor's guilt. "the driver's always fine." in boléro, he feels personally responsible for the people who died because of his unwillingness to harm anyone on purpose. i don't think that makes his choices wrong, and i think he's wrong to blame himself, but it's a factor worth considering. if on some level he might see harm as more justifiable if he is also the recipient of it.
i also think there's another perspective from which you could consider his decision a selfish one: he knows the implications this has for hera in particular, and the weight he's putting on her. she agrees to it, she understands, but even so. i think that is something they're going to have to work through at some point. eiffel may be making the call, but whatever harm is enacted, hera is the one pulling the trigger.
ultimately i think the approach that eiffel is still eiffel, or at least that he has the intent and capacity to be, makes the most sense thematically and tonally. i think seeing it that way serves as an continuation and final affirmation of what the show already says about identity, rather than introducing some new philosophical question. i think you can even make a case for restoring eiffel's memories post-canon as a natural extension of the show's exploration of self and his character arc in particular. i won't get too into that now because it's another discussion and i don't want to make this response unreadably long, but that is to say...
what was eiffel thinking? i don't feel like i can answer that conclusively. i'd be surprised if he could. it's brave, and self-sacrificing, it definitely saved them, and it was also selfish and self-destructive. i may not think eiffel's memory loss is necessarily final, but he did, in that moment, and that came with the full intent that the same would be true of pryce. it's complicated, and messy, and personally? i think pryce deserved worse. but it's not really about deserving either.
#wolf 359#w359#doug eiffel#asks#thank you soo much for asking this#and giving me a chance to ramble about it#i haven't really talked about eiffel's memory in a while and i've been meaning to write a more thorough deconstruction re:#my feelings there but. it's a complicated subject.#as a side note this is. aside from my obvious biases#this is another reason why i don't have a lot of patience for people who think pryce should've been treated differently#because if you accept eiffel is the same person who is still just as responsible for the harm he caused#which i think the show DOES unambiguously accept#then the same is true of pryce. whether she has the capacity to be better well#everyone does. she did before too. she just chose not to. and maybe she can choose differently#but the hephaestus crew and hera in particular have no obligations to her#in the same way the people eiffel hurt have every right not to forgive him if they don't want to but also. come on#what pryce has done is also. magnitudes worse. i think that's also inarguable.#and i think the same harm reduction/self-defense argument applies to cutter's death like#the show's morality is against INCITING harm but what about harm done to stop the people who are harming you?#people who absolutely WILL NOT stop otherwise?#it's complicated. there are no easy answers#and on another note i do think there's a lot about#the ways hera's sense of self and ability to return to earth with the others#is connected to the show establishing she isn't fundamentally different from the others#treating eiffel's brain in a more 'mechanical' fashion in the finale vs. hera's pivotal moments being the most tangible in the show#being seen and interacting with others physically#it's equalizing. i really believe the further into the show you get the more it establishes the ways hera is different are really just#differences of circumstance and the ways she's treated. and what she's internalized because of that treatmeant#and i find that really meaningful. anyway. this is such a tangent i'm sorry it's all connected#i start talking about one thing and i just keep going
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dubiousdoctors · 1 year
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augh and bleagh and I should not have let my friends who are also my coworkers know my tumblr
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dancinbutterfly · 1 year
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Anna Aristotelous and Raphael Rowe - Inside the World's Toughest Prisons Cyprus: The Utopian Prison
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scarletcomet · 9 months
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2 weeks clean from self-harm. 11 of those days i was in the hospital though
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mahalshairyballs · 2 years
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Why I won't put any impact play (or S/m) in Marc and Layla's D/s
Obviously, with the Marc system's past, it would be a very delicate thing to bring up and to do. Could it be done therapeutically? Eh, maybe for some other people but not for them I don't think (that I've mentioned before).
The main thing though for me, and it's of course very related to their past traumas, is that Marc is a masochist.
And not in a sexy way, but in a pathological way.
He doesn't self-harm (that we know), however he doesn't care about getting hurt at all and I would even say he wants to be hurt.
616!Marc not dodging hits but taking them all could be easily read that way, and the show gave us a few clues that MCU!Marc is the same. The way he ran into that wooden fence instead of just jumping over it, the way he shrugged off being impaled multiple times, the way he was hoping - looking to - get killed when he fought as Moon Knight but the super-healing got in the way.
But also, the way he jumped off of that castle in episode 1? Thinking about it, he could have found another way to escape the shooters. I know it was a very quick decision on his part to escape them, but just the fact that he didn't even think about the physical consequences of jumping from that high (and wasn't expecting Steven to wake up from it instead of himself) means that he didn't care about getting hurt at all.
So, does he have a complete disregard for his own physical safety both with and without the Moon Knight suit ?
Definitely.
Does it go to the point of him even looking to get hurt and being masochistic? Well that depends on the interpretation. With what we've got of their past though, I think it's a pretty valid interpretation, and it's my interpretation of Marc.
So I won't make them do any S/m, since it's pretty dangerous and ill-advised to indulge someone's pathological masochism within S/m play.
I might read some fics with that though, I'm sure some people wrote it well.
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benevolentslut · 1 year
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..just randomly remembered the time 5 years ago i told my at-the-time girlfriend that i thought i might have bpd and she screamed at me for self diagnosing (i literally just said "i think i want to talk to a professional cuz i might have it") and told me there was no way i could have it because i would have scars to prove it
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