i am in a near constant state of dissatisfaction with life and not in existential way just a basic "i wish i could do what i love, unfortunately we live under capitalism" way. like i know what makes me happy. and even the scary and confusing parts of life like figuring out relationships and loss and guilt i am okay with. those are inevitable parts of life and they give life meaning. what i have an issue with is having to spend so much time on work and obligations under capitalism that i barely have any time or energy left to give to the enjoyable or difficult but inevitable parts of life. i have to grieve in silence and love in silence and tone down my personality to be presentable and respectable, and all this not because of any desire to necessarily fit in, but simply to be paid.

and even though i technically like my job, or at least the theoretical contents of it, it is plagued and made agonising by the unavoidable need to be making enough money to lead a somewhat healthy and comfortable existence. and even this i can barely achieve.

my brain genuinely feels near breaking point and i am constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. when it's not the gears in my mind feeling like they might catch fire any second, it's my body feeling like it's about to give out. this is not normal this is not okay this world is fucked up why do we tolerate this shit