#i'm never gonna be normal about them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mal-zoya · 2 years

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yeah, it’s all fun and games but what happens when obi-wan, all sad and shocked, tears in his eyes, asks: “what have they done to you?” and vader, who until this moment was overwhelmed to actually see obi-wan in person, hisses: “no. you. you did this to me” - what then

#obikin #vaderwan #kenobi series #obi wan kenobi #darth vader #anakin skywalker #i'm never gonna be normal about them #goodbye

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mobius-m-mobius · 4 months

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Tom on more of Owen's s2 improv (x)

#tom hiddleston #owen wilson #mobius #loki #lokius #mcuedit #lokiedit #marveledit #never gonna be a biggest owen fan competition as long as tom's around but i'm not mad about it 😂💖#the way we keep getting confirmation every moment of the loki series i've loved heart and soul has just been owen in the moment #including the timeslipping effect!? which he visualized perfectly before anyone even had a clue what they wanted it to look like!?????#cool cool cool feeling totally normal about how powerful his mind is 🙃#(also for the record i called all these moments out the second i saw them lmao the man's humor is just too good)#'SKIN?' you'll always be famous #marvel #owenwilsonedit #dianagifs

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crownspeaksblog · 6 months

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How the hell does ofmd manage to give me everything i love about tv shows, in one show?!!

It's funny, silly, stupid but somehow at the same time it's serious, deep and well thought out!

Characters change and develop in prominent ways, characters have arcs, what they go through affects them, things aren't stagnant. (1x01 stede is a coward who's trying to hide from the English, 2x08 stede throws himself over 2 soldiers, he's brave despite the fact he's out numbered. 1x04 ed wants to quit piracy but doesn't know how, 2x08 ed quits piracy a second time with stede even when the first time doesn't work out)

It's a beautiful romance, a queer romance between two people who have insane chemistry, a love story that has ups and downs, but in the end they're right there for eachother because what they have is True Love!

The show is shot so beautifully, it doesn't look boring, so many shows I've watched (although entertaining) are shot in the most boring/basic ways possible, ofmd has so many gorgeous still shots, a couple of fun one shots! (The bar fight one shot in 2x07 deserves more attention! Mer!stede and ed looking at eachother while floating in the water is genuinely one of the most beautiful shots I've ever seen!)

The outfits characters wear changes with their arcs and it makes sense story wise and the outfits are just so fun looking, it's interesting and different and so, so not basic. (Stede going from aristocratic silly little outfits to pirate shirts with deep neck openings and leather pants!! Hot! Also can't wait to see eds s3 outfit.)

The song choice is fun, the lyrics, beautifully add another layer to the story (I'm still not over the "I've loved him since he was born" lyric!)

The women in this show, although few and not main characters, they're interesting, different and not basic "normal" women, so many shows and movies I've watched, the men get to be weird, kooky and interesting while the women are just painfully normal, but in ofmd, the few women we got are either insane, wild, weird, violent or just not fucking "normal"! (the most "normal" woman we have is probably mary who was gonna stab her husband with a skewer through the earhole!! Also the addition of archie, former snake cult member is just amazing!)

The action we get every once in a while is just so fun! I love a fight scene and for the most part, they look good, it looks well done (again the bar fight and ed killing motherfuckers left, right and center in 2x08 is just so goddamn fun to watch!)

I know so many other shows have most of these things, but the fact ofmd has all of these things, that i just fucking love in one show is amazing, it's appreciated and on top of all of this, the show just makes me happy whether I'm watching it or watching people's reactions to it or even just thinking about it! I love this show even with the criticisms i might have, i love it!

#just had to talk about what i love about this show maybe I'm forgetting some but I'm pretty sure I'm not #but like seriously how many shows actually have all of these things?!#alot of shows have most of these things except for the female characters being wild/not normal and the queer love story aspect.#recently i watched nope and a thought i had was why is the kooky crazy character thats gonna die to get the perfect show is never played #by a woman. why is the calm collected cowboy who saves the day is never played by a woman?!! why is it that most times men play them?!!!#anyways i love ofmd. it's unique and just so fucking fun!#ofmd #ofmd s2 #our flag means death #ofmd spoilers #blackbonnet #tv shows #👑

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sysig · 2 months

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Rosawatts, from memory (Patreon)

#Doodles #To The Moon #Neil Watts #Eva Rosaline #They ✨#I ended up making the To The Moon series of games my over-breakfast show for a while haha #I got through them all surprisingly fast! It's amazing what a bit of breakfast does for the focus haha #I had ideas for them but then I got distracted! Damn! Another time #Still gonna talk about 'em tho lol <3 #Mostly Neil-related honestly haha - a big long silly joke that takes so much context pfft #So that one trope of self-aware anime protagonists - either the type to try to hide the specific thing that makes them The Chosen One #Or changing themselves into The Chosen One by adopting a feature that points to it - think dying hair #Born with weird hair? Protagonist - cover that up and become a normie; and it's inverse!#And then y'know the trope of the white-haired anime boy? The Redshirt of anime? Lol #I just love the idea of Neil being ''born with white hair'' and dying it his normal brown and confessing to Eva #And her countering back with ''Thank goodness you don't have white hair I never would've accepted your confession if The Tragedy''#While Neil is just Sweating lol #It's funnier in images gah I'll get to it someday!#For now I'm just happy to have added them to my list <3 I do love them hehe #I enjoyed Imposter Factory so much! The montage at the end had such beautiful pixel animation #And even seeing a simulacrum of them happy makes me happy <3 Bittersweet like the rest of the series :)#Good lads <3

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front-facing-pokemon · 10 months

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#another bonus under the cut where i got up under their big head to get 'em a little closer and a little more front-facing #aggron #aggron is just cool. a big metal bitch who *could* hug you but is probably actually just gonna obliterate you. is that anything #i think i prefer lairon more. it's kinda just a little metal creature and i think that's awesome but aggron stands up #and normally i'm a big big fan of when pokémon stand up. when everyone wanted sprigatito to not stand up i was like #please stand up. because i am a furry and i knew it was gonna become favorite pokémon material if it did. and it did and meowscarada is #wonderful and i love it and it's one of my top like 10 of all time. but aggron is like. i dunno. a little too gruff for me #i think aron and lairon are cute and i'm generally a fan of and user of cute pokémon but aggron is very. how you say. aggressive #and also… ron… aggressive ron. new show on netflix i just reinvented aggretsuko but for pokémon #also weirdly every furry on the face of the earth likes aggretsuko but for one i've never had a netflix account and for two i just #don't ever watch shows. it's just not something that works in my brain. having to get them‚ and then just taking the time to sit down and do #it just never does anything for me. the last show i watched was because i was over at a friend's house and he was like hey. we're watching #this show now. i want you to see this show. and it's a show that folks generally lamented for a lot of reasons so i was like iii dunno about #that one! but he was like no trust me it's fine. and then i was like. kinda uninterested at first but it turned out to be really good #and i'm still ashamed. that i liked it as much as i did. so i will not say what it is. it's not supernatural. it's a short-ish show #but like it was good and i didn't expect it to be. which has nothing to do with aggretsuko OR with aggron for that matter #literally idk. look it's distraction (AGGRON DISTRACTION)

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punkeropercyjackson · 3 months

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"We need more m/f ships that aren't heternormative or enforce gender stereotypes!!!"You guys couldn't even handle Todomomo

#NAH CAUSE Y'ALL NIGGAS REALLY THREW THAT WORD AT THEM NONSTOP WITH LITERALLY NO BACKING #point to me at a point in the story-i'll even let you use noncanon stuff-where shouto and momo's genders are brought up to their dynamic #you're gonna be searching forever because that never happened even once.SO MANY scenes of them being good best friends to eachother #and not a single one of them indicated they're in love because he's a boy and she's a girl.they don't give a FUCK about that stop projecting #we're literally told and more importantly SHOWN they're close bc of mutual admiration what sweeties they are to and fun they have together #and that they make make eachother feel understood and NORMAL.'heteronormative' my ass tdmm is the most t4t and autistic4autistic ship ever #lower your voice when you speak about them-especially if you stan hawks' dudebro cop ass and think dabitwice or minajirou are platonic #todomomo my darlings i'm so sorry the bnha fandom treated you so horribly because they couldn't accept that not every m/f ship is cishet #or that not every same gender relathionship is realistically queer instead of stereotyping and f*tishization #todomomo #t4t todomomo #todomomo protection squad #todoroki shouto #momo yaoyorozu #half bangladeshi rei agenda #blasian latina momo #trans todoroki #trans momo yaoyorozu #autistic todoroki #autistic momo yaoyorozu #adhd momo #momo yaoyorozu has ocd #momo yaoyorozu has anxiety #goth punk todoroki shouto #pastel punk momo yaoyorozu #agere flips!todomomo #tea blend crew #bnha geekery #💌#summerposting

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that-one-enby-ranger · 4 months

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Ranger Gathering Assessment thingy.

I don't even know if I'll be able to explain this mu AU properly, because I'm shit at explaining things.

So it's kind of like a modern day AU, mixed with the Ranger's Apprentice time period. Also I don't know if anyone else has an AU similar or not.

I like the time period that the books are set in, but there are still modern day things I want them to like, because I like coming up with movies and shows and books and music and stuff like that on what I think each of the characters would like because it's fun.

So in this kind-of-confusing-I-can't-explain-things-well-AU, it's a mix of both the book's time period, and modern day shit.

So basically they still live in Araluen, they still have castles and knights and rangers and all that stuff. The setting is all entirely like it is in the books. But modern day things exist, like TV's, music, phones, plushies and shit, books that you get now instead of the books you'd get back then.

And if you want to go one step further, sometimes I imagine there being a portal, that leads them from Araluen into modern day England, so that way they have access to both places, but they were just born in their timeline and have their setting, but can still have modern things and can go to modern day.

Typing this out I realise it's not actually that confusing, and I'm not that shit at explaining it, it's just kind of stupid. But I like it because it means I can still have the book's setting, which I like, and also headcanon the characters liking certain modern things that I also like to make them more relatable for me. That's why I say a lot that Halt loves Queen. Because I love Queen. Also I generally think if he actually listened to music he would listen to them.

I have heaps of headcanons for this AU, like some OC's that are from England and modern times, but still friends with Halt and Crowley.

Also in this strange AU Halt has a pet tarantula named Alastor because I said so.

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byanyan · 1 month

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if you think byan hasn't broken bones numerous times in their parkour adventures... you would be wrong. they don't make mistakes often these days, but in the past, especially as they were first learning (as in, teaching themself), there were many mishaps to speak of. their largest scar, one which runs up along their right side, came as a result of a parkour accident (and included a couple of fractured ribs, as well). they've broken an arm, a wrist, a couple fingers, and had many, many sprains over the years. learning was nothing if not a messy process, but it paid off - the talent they boast now is pretty high, and they only get better as they keep putting everything they've learned into practice.

#look ok... making that travel habits aesthetic post earlier made me realize how little I talk about this aspect of byan #and it deserves to be talked about more bc it's no minor thing!! they do this shit DAILY #it's how they traverse the city it's how they've SURVIVED in some cases #I'm gonna get into it more often now bc idek why I've never really like??? made hc posts on the topic??#literally just never occurred to me for some reason despite it being such a normal thing for them #idk idk I'm high and I'm losing my train of thought but #yeah they've fucked themself up pretty good a couple times thanks to parkour #had some ROUGH fuckin falls and landings #but now they can be like. even p graceful in it bc they've been doing it for so damn long #it's also a large contributer to their muscle tone bc they don't work out... they run & do parkour & fight lmao #who needs a gym when u can haul your own bodyweight up a wall am I right?#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.

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saintchaser · 11 months

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"do we still love each other?" evan asked, and there was madness in love. they had stayed behind after a meeting, and evan grabbed barty aside; both of them looked horrible, yet they basked into a morbid glory of debauchery and death.

because everyone around them was dying. by their own hands, some, blood and guts and screams dying in the back of their throats. by the orders of the dark lord, some, revenge and recklessness. alone, some, and no one knew where they were, they had just known of a lonely funeral and of carnations scattered in the snow.

evan loved barty in a way that set fire to him. it was a love that burned, a love that destroyed him. it was the kind of love that splits you open, blood and bones and guts splayed in front of your loved, of a vulnerability that is so unique, and evan wondered if he would ever love anyone else the same, if his love for someone would ever be sane. (probably not, he thought, and he hoped he was right.)

war changed them. angriness and grief molded into death, and, if revenge and love means death, evan would kill and die for it.

"of course we do," he grinned, and there was something unsure in his answer, but evan liked it that way. evan liked the uncertainty of things but, as long as barty was his, as long as they would spill at each other's feet and gnaw at each other's hearts, they would live.

barty kissed him, and it tasted like blood, madness, and love.

#okay this one turned gorey so i'm just gonna #gore tw #tw gore #there. so i never really actually explored the dynamic between evan and barty because it's the first time i'm writing them and yeah #but they're actually so fucked up and insane and in love and i like them. and i'm totally normal about this dynamic #anyways i cannot for the life of me see this ship as soft and cute like. they're insane. that's it. bye #anyways!!!!#death tw #tw death #(because these are also mentioned)#evan rosier #barty crouch jr #rosekiller #my writing #do we still love each other?#this is for iheartmoons <33

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moregraceful · 2 months

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what jersey did you purchase today??

THEY GOT ME WITH THE GAME WORN CRISCUOLO JERSEY MAN 😭 IT WAS SO EXPENSIVE AND IT'S NOT EVEN SIGNED 😭😭

shit won't even fit i bet, that man was the size of a grain of rice and weighed less than my dog. this org has my balls in a fucking vice

#you guys know how i only wear the john leonard jersey to sharks games bc it was such an ill-advised purchase? me with this crisco jersey #the cuda should be paying ME money. i MAKE them money. by POSTING #i'm sure i make some equally normal purchase of a cvf jersey i can't wear anywhere later this week too. i'm so sure 😭 tf is wrong with me #which btw. downloading every single podcast on the face of the planet for this roadtrip knowing full well what's gonna happen is #i am gonna listen to 5 minutes of a locked on sharks episode and get ripshit mad at jdy and spend the next 7.25 hours listening to #spotify's tropical house playlist while carefully crafting the most dumbass notfic about environmental conservation #which is what always happens when i have to drive by myself for long periods of time #AND BTW. RE: CRISCO JERSEY. THIS ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE I WAS MAD AT ONE JOB AND THEN RECEIVED A VERY ANNOYING TEXT MESSAGE FROM ANOTHER JOB #AND THEN THE ORG EMAILED. STEF GOT ME IN A VULNERABLE MOMENT. I WAS DYSREGULATED!!! I WAS NOT MYSELF!!!!#the best part is the sharks proshop called me this morning like hey your simmer jersey is ready. i was like oh yay :) <3 UNKNOWING.........#all three of my jobs made me so exhausted today guys it just never ends #but then it's like well. if i didn't have three jobs. i couldn't make insanely stupid purchases either #so even though i burned out so hard i feel dead inside a lot of the time. at least i can create THE most baffling sharkuda jersey collectio #where was i going with this. oh right. mackblack win tn schedule that selena gomez lockdown starting NOW #cage replies #tausendsorgen #LESA

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abyssalhuntersnerd · 1 year

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Me: "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, DON'T CRY-"

Me: *Starts crying uncontrollably*

#normal posts #shut up okay I'm not gonna ever recover from this nor skadi's little smile nor the way specter just tells her that they'll catch up later #I'm never going to sleep peacefully at night without thinking about this scene because it is utterly perfect and I just #love them so much #skadi's smile just gets me so much I'm sorry I'm just never gonna get over it #they are married #they are so freaking married #listen to me if they ever animate this #I will literally write a damn fic if they don't make it the gayest shit where skadi's eyes widen #and she smiles gently and hell you can even see a little blush from her cheeks and specter just #looks at her and her eyes gently hover down and she smiles at her and it's just so gay listen I just #I can envision it so clearly I'm #so #ahh #I love them so much

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katierosefun · 4 months

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step 1 of watching suits: haha fun plot! look at this little guy pretending to be a law school graduate. yeah this won't have any consequences whatsoever

step 2 of watching suits: oh this little guy and that bigshot lawyer have some good chemistry. yeah they're both committing a crime by having him work at this new york big law firm but it's fun :)

step 3 of watching suits: they're actually facing consequences to their actions now, but oh god i don't want to see either of them lose. yes, they did something terrible but don't we all want to feel a bit special. don't we all feel stuck. doesn't our own ambition swallow us whole. don't we feel insanely loyal to the person who gave us everything. we're going down together. if you go, i go.

#caroline watches tv #suits #anyways. biting them. shaking them.#staring at the characters and laughing nervously because yes i know that they're doing awful things #but also i feel so much for them #i do feel quite a bit for mike because it's like. that frustration of knowing you could have been someone but then something happened #and you were shunted out of a life that you always wanted to have. and you're scrambling to get it back. you're trying so hard.#and when someone presents it to you on a silver platter. yeah you're gonna take it.#and also like. harvey.#like. yes he's morally grey or morally bankrupt (depending on who you ask) but it's like. you're this giant of an attorney who never loses #and you recruit this guy who you know is lying but you're never going to give up on him. you don't want anyone to leave you but you also #don't know how to ask anyone to stay.#which isn't much of an excuse for like. helping commit fraud.#but also. harvey can pretend he doesn't need anyone but the most pathetic truth is that he needs people so badly #and he has no idea what to do with that.#and tbh. i think when he saw mike. he saw a glimmer of something real and earnest and immediately decided to keep him.#and there's so much irony in that? the most genuine person he's ever known is also someone who's going to defraud an entire law firm #something tragic about that but also something so intriguing. anyways i'm normal about this show #i'm normal about them. etc.

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braceletofteeth · 6 months

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tag someone you want to know and/or some of your besties.

I was tagged by @fourth-quartet 😊 Thank you!!

favourite colour: Gray but I'm currently in a brown phase

last song: I've got recently reacquainted with Beginner by AKB48 😄

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last series: The Kidnapping Day. It was a lot more wholesome than the name suggests.

last movie: Saw X (surprisingly also a lot more wholesome than you'd expect????)

sweet/savoury/spicy: Sweet :3

currently watching:

Koisenu Futari

Chains of Heart

The Golden Girls (season 1)

Love in the Air (2nd rewatch)

other stuff I watched this year: Not listing all of it here (I've never watched so much stuff as I did in 2023), but I'll mention the ones that I enjoyed watching the most from each month so far (*not including rewatches):

JAN: Wednesday

FEB: GAP

MAR: Not Me

APR: Tick, Tick... Boom!

MAY: Utsukushii Kare

JUN: Tale of the Nine-Tailed 1938

JUL: Takin' Over The Asylum

AUG: Marry My Dead Body

SEP: Utsukushii Kare: Eternal

OCT: The Sandman

shows I dropped this year/didn't finish: I barely remember the ones I watched till the very end 🤡 But ok, let me see...

Eve (dropped after one episode; Rich People and their Rich People Problems™, I think was the reason)

A few straight GMMTV shows that I didn't really catch the name (I. Well. I just. I just couldn't make myself give a fuck, ok 😔)

+ Currently deliberating whether or not I should drop Chains of Heart. All the subtitles I've found are lacking in terms of coherence, and the story itself is already not the most straightforward, so I can only hope I'm understanding what's going on at all? 😀 And I'm also not feeling the main couple from either the present nor the past (? I suspect they are the same (but I may never know))... HOWEVER, I like the acting of the main, and the Thai scenario that is not Bangkok for once. That's always refreshing. And sometimes the cinematography is pretty too... Decisions, decisions...

currently listening to: Back for More by TXT & Anitta (I went after the link for it and distractedly searched for "banger" instead of the title 😆)

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currently reading: Codename Villanelle (it's a small book but I'm. ..struggle)

current obsession: I'm not obsessing over anything at the moment 😟☹😫 Have been too busy with mundane adult life problems (therefore, as you can imagine, I'm just about going up the walls here :))

tagging: @eatprayworm @thisautistic @hyp-no-tic @visualtaehyun hi 👋

#tag game #it's one of those weeks when I feel like my old acquaintances might be sick of me already #SO I tagged some people I think might be really cool but haven't directly approached yet #you know. for maximum anxiety #I've lost many songs over the years (it's never safe to have only one copy of them; thankfully I can afford more now)#the first time I found Beginner (as a pre-teen) I just downloaded it randomly listened to it and liked it so much I decided to keep it??#oh to be young and not care about stuff like viruses or managing your time #at some point while writing this post I finished watching Ko¡senu Fut@ri #10/10 no notes #(lies. there are notes. dozens and dozens of reblogs just waiting for me to spread them all over your dashboards in the near future)#tick tick boom was quite nice... for a musical #(not a fan of musicals so to have one on my list is. wild)#already four months since the Lee brothers left me 😪#and I haven't heard a word about LDW's new drama in MONTHS. actively gnawing the bars of my cage rn #OH OH WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT #SPECIAL MENTION TO <SUMMER STRIKE> IN MAY #if my other option wasn't Utsukush¡i fricking K@re I wouldn't even hesitate. but. it was #and everyone knows I'm not normal about this one 😀🙂#if anyone wants to advocate in favor of Ch@ins of Heart. please. I'm all ears. is it worth it?#uhh. I'm not gonna disclose much but it's true I'm under a lot of stress lately. there is a lot going on right now.#I might not be able to watch new shows/be around tumblr while I (try to) sort my shit out #just a quick heads up 👍

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radelenagreco · 4 months

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i'm #newtoradblr i've spent so much time these past two weeks scrolling through radfem blogs i knew i had to make an actual radfem side of tumblr blog for my own sanity. the way i "peaked" is kinda funny 3-4 months ago i liked a radfem post without realizing and all of a sudden i had other radfem posts recommended to me by the algorithm and i was so annoyed because i was very anti-terf etc but for a couple days i read through a bunch of radfem blogs and it was actually such a relief to encounter FEMINISM not some watered down version of it but i felt guilty due to 5+ years of conditioning (and also because i had a nonbinary friend sitting right next to me in class as i was doing this) and i also didn't like the prominent use of the word moid? but anyway, 3 months later, i'm not sure why but the mra nature of the trans movement has grown so much more apparent to me i have like three mutuals who are trans men on my other blog and i would find myself rereading the few feminist posts i would reblog/write because these people are literally reblogging shit like "don't think like a terf. men aren't your oppressors, they're your friends/neighbors/brothers/fathers. if you think that any man could harm you you have been fooled by terf rhetoric" like actual morons/meninists. anyway two weeks ago i saw a post made by someone i knew was a radfem on my twitter tl and i don't know why i knew i was ready i went through her blog and through many others and now here i am.

#still dislike the word moid i know it's in response to 4chan people saying shit like femoid but it reads too much like a racist slur for me #to be cool with people saying it #i don't mean it reads like a racist slur towards men i mean it's way too reminiscent of the word negroid #it really made me think people were right about radical feminism being a gateway to being a conservative because...it literally feels #racist to me lmao i don't think i'll ever like it #gonna go follow the few blogs i followed on my main + others now #and i was actually always pretty radical in my feminism i was never what one would call a libfem i just wasn't A RadFem because i was into #the whole trans thing #it's different when you're not on tumblr/not exclusively interacting with trans people on the internet. people taking such an issue with #feminism and claiming that its most basic aspects (men oppress women) are transphobic and terf rhetoric is really only a thing on tumblr #and in those circles it's especially different when you're not talking in english #and i'm pretty sure everyone i follow on twitter supports trans people but the mra nature of trans right activism just has not hit them the #way it has hit tumblr they're still very normal about feminism it's actually so nice to go there and say i hate men with no caveat #the only people who would bother me if they came across my tweets saying that would be: cis men misogynists and people on the far right in #general #crazy that on tumblr it's the most leftist people i'd have to worry about hahaha...#ipost

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brainfilehasstoppedworking · 14 days

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Okay. Okay.

I'm okay.

I'm fine. Life is great.

...

"Perfection"...*sighs*

#sam's talky talks #Kiyotaka and Takaaki are gonna need some extensive therapy #I...they cannot escape the need to be perfect #Kiyotaka needs to be perfect. He needs to be a top model student. He needs to show the world that the Ishimarus aren't terrible people #He feels the need to be perfect. Which basically led him to giving up things like being a normal kid #Oh...Takaaki #This man has been born to be forced into perfection with a father like Toranosuke Ishimaru #Everyday Takaaki had to be the perfect son #And when his father got into a high position in politics (Prime Minister) Takaaki was stuck being perfect #He needed to be better. Show the world that Takaaki Ishimaru was just like Toranosuke Ishimaru #And he did. He showed them how perfect he can be #He never got anything in return. Not even a proud look of his father #<- I'm making an excuse to talk about my headcanons

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da-proti-toku-grem · 16 days

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feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)#is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

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