a productive all-nighter starts by making a clear to do list & getting to work spending an hour or so searching for the music that hits the vibe just right

I still feel lost. Like, I was very proud of myself that yesterday I was able to start studying and continued and have done 2 of them which actually is not enough for the remaining time I have left. Now, It's half past four and I didn't start it today yet. But you know, I have to put myself together. I have to keep motivating myself and put myself in a positive state and to believe that I can do it. I don't feel absolutely powerless, but I don't feel confident or good. I feel like I absolutely look trash, my skin and my hair is dry and looking crusty, and I haven't been working out for almost a week now cuz now studying is more important and I have to concentrate on it. I don't find myself attractive on the outside this time. And on the inside, I was always insecure and was not really aware of what kinda person I am. So I can not really be confident on the inside cuz I always cringe at myself and get embarrassed about myself. But you know, now something came to my mind what Spencer said. Her merch, her hoodie has on this sentence: treat yourself like someone you love. (I actually wanna buy this hoodie, it's kinda expensive but one time I might buy it) And she is right. Nobody is perfect and everyone around me has their flaws. But I still love them and respect them and validate them more then I do myself. I know myself better then I know the people around me, but I still feel like I don't deserve to be validated. Like if I don't deserve to be seen, to be cared about, to exist. While, there are a lot of qualities about me that are amazing and I really wanna be a good person and I don't hurt noone, I care about treating others around me nicely. I always try to improve and I'm very open, almost too open. How much I feel broken, broke me actually. But yeah I have this thing going on, and I'm very happy about it. It makes me feel like i'm put together and abundant.

Honestly, okay I recieve love from that man but I don't know, do I deserve it? Honestly I expect him to judge me and maybe this is why I always feel like he looks down on me. Like i'm very happy he loves me but, there is too much pressure. And what if when we meet, I won't find him attractive and he won't find me attractive either, or just one of these? What if it will be awkward, I will feel anxious, he will feel anxious and we can't have a good time and it will be cringey? Well I guess it's not a big deal, this stuff is pretty common, happens but you know it's almost 2 months we spent together talking and it would be cringey if this went down on the drain. But yeah we both study our asses down. At least he does cuz i'm just trying, is what I can say. But yeah why is my mind so chaotic? But also I want to write here so, it's good I can.

I have to remind myself that I can do it. I can note out a lot of the 40 topics in 5 days. Maybe I don't finish but then hopefully I won't be getting the topic I haven't studied about on the exam. Will I be able to remember for what I have been studying? Also if I do really bad, maybe I don't fail my finals. Tomorrow is the day we all get to know what are the results of the writing exams. I am scared honestly. But it's okay that I haven't started in the morning. Okay tomorrow I have to go to take a blood test and then to school but this time, usually I'm at home and don't have to get up early and shit, so I plan my day as I want. And if I start in the afternoon, imma continue till night and it's okay. Just do it. There are so many good things waiting for me. Free time, friends, boyfriend-thingy, stuff I wanna do, exercising, going to places/hiking, buying that damn skateboard and use it with my dumb friends. Meeting up with other friends, other people. Free summer. And I will be able to concentrate on shit, cuz I won't have that much or any burden on my shoulders. I wish I get accepted into university.