#i’m sorry but i have horrible chronic pain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

clanoffelidae · 2 months

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I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)

And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.

And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.

During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.

My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.

And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.

I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.

And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.

I don’t want to be in pain again.

And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.

And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.

I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.

Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.

Pain is good, but not like this.

Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’

Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.

But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.

Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.

You shouldn’t have to be strong.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to let you all know that.

#vomiting #cyclic vomiting syndrome #actually disabled #disability #chronic pain #recurrent pain #i hate how pain is such a beautiful thing #your body’s alert system and life’s way of making sure you stay alive #protecting you - teaching you - keeping you safe and helping you to heal #letting you know what you need to #and it just gets twisted into something horrible #becoming chronic and never leaving and breaking you down #being used intentionally by others for cruel devices #and i just. i don’t know.#it upsets me is all #i’m sorry to everyone who has to be strong #you shouldn’t have to be #i’m sorry #life’s hard and survival’s not easy #that’s not the way the world works #i get that and i accept that #but this is more than that #and it’s not fair #and i’m sorry for that #i get that life is a constant battle for survival #but you shouldn’t be having to fight with yourself

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sadgirlautumn · 5 months

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As someone who has been chronically ill for years I’m doing the best I’ve ever been currently and people keep thinking that I’m still just as sick because I’m tired. Like no my body can’t handle doing as many things as everyone else. That doesn’t mean I need to switch medications (which would ruin my life for a few months as my body adjusts or if it straight up doesn’t work) because I operate at 75% compared to everyone else’s 100. The most exhausting thing anymore is having to deal with people talking to me about it. I wish people would realize that whatever you’re saying to that person with chronic illness they’ve probably heard it over and over again since the beginning.

#like my ankles and knees and shoulders used to hurt so bad everyday and now my knee only hurts like once every 4 months #my shoulder still hurts sometimes but that’s because I either over did it or my posture was bad #I used to have constant horrible stomach pain pretty much all of the time and now my stomach feels fine for 95% of the day #I’m never going to be fully better and that’s literally why they call it chronic illness…#I’m sorry for venting but god people are so insensitive it makes me want to scream #autumn rambles

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tyrianlynch · 2 years

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I’m in so much pain it’s honestly been hard to function at all these past few days but the people in my life can only hear that so many times before they’re tired of me so I’m shouting it into the void

#my legs hurt so much I’m limping everywhere #my arms hurt so much I can’t use my phone without a wrist rest #my back hurts so much that changing my position in bed or on the couch is a long and horrible process #I talked to my friend of 6 years yesterday and she said to me ‘I met someone whos in pain all the time’#and I was like ‘haha is it me?’ and she said no that it was some guy from a class she’s taking #and he’s in pain all the time #and she asked if it was like that for me #and I love this friend of mine so much so dammit if that didn’t hurt #it’s a punch in the gut to realize that nobody really understands #I’ve been telling her about my pain for years pretty much since it started #and this whole time she hasn’t understood #so I explained that I’m in pain all of the time 24/7 and she just said ‘oh’#chronic illness and disability is already so fucking isolating #and it’s really hard to have moments like that where I realize I’m completely alone in this #the only one who can really understand what I’m feeling is me #wah wah pity party etc etc #sorry #I’ll delete later I just needed to put this somewhere so it was no longer in my head

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svt-rosalie · 5 months

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. . . ♡ JIHAO ! ? 🪭 MOMENTS ★ ﾟ๑

ׁ ׅ ୨ ❪ minghao + jihye! ❫ ୧ ⊹ ࣪

warnings. mentions of food and cooking, rosalie hurt her hip, horrible writing

authors note. this was requested by a lovely anon, and it’s takin forever to get out which i’m so sorry for but i’ve got some stuff i’ve got to do today and i just wanted this finished so that’s why it’s so short! i hope you guys and the anonnie like it :)

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON. time frame, 2019

Jihye used to be a ballerina, before she even wanted to become a kpop idol. She was in a prestigious ballet school in Paris, France training and performing as much as she could.

During one of her ballet recitals she was lifted into the air by her male dance partner but his grip had slipped on her causing her to land directly on her left hip and caused a fracture to the ball side of her hip joint. She was out of dance for around 6 months and after that only trained by herself and left the ballet school.

All of the boys and management know about Rosalie’s hip seeing as how it causes her a shooting pain at random along with her lower chronic back pain.

Minghao is always considerate of her pain and is usually the first to notice when she’s hurting. It’ll start with her rubbing her hip lightly, then the hissing of pain when she touches a certain part of her hip, then she’ll law down on her right side with a heating pad on her left.

After their performance at Kcon 2019 LA when they were walking off stage, Hao noticed a slight limp in Jihye’s walk and hand rubbing softly at her hip.

He immediately ran up to her and put all her weight on his body despite him being tired himself, and held her whilst they walked under the stage. Fans noticed it just as quickly and whipped their phones out to capture the cute moment!

“Are you okay Jihye?” You could see the concern lacing Minghao’s eyes.

“I will be in a little bit Oppa! I just need to get my heating pad from my bag once we sit down.” She nodded with a smile.

“I’ll get that for you, you just sit down and relax.” Minghao stated sternly pointing a finger in her face jokingly. Rosalie just laughed and nodded with a thankful expression.

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ CAN I HAVE SOME? time frame, 2023

Rosalie was bored, very . . . very . . . very bored. With comeback season for FML coming to stand still for her group she didn’t know what to do with herself. She had deep cleaned the apartment, organized her clothes in her closet in the rainbow order, she’s basically been occupying her time since this morning and now she’s bored.

And what better to do with your time than pretend you have your own cooking show to your fans, she already has to cook dinner anyways! Woozi was in the studio so she would take him some food after she’s done cooking.

The weverse live has been underway for around 25 minutes by the time Rosalie had received a call from the 97’ liner.

“Hello?” A males voice could be heard through the speaker of the phone. “Ah! Minghao Oppa are you okay with being on speaker?”

“Yes.” “Good because you already were.” Minghao let out a chuckle at her words.” Rosie set her phone down as she mixed the jajangmyeon noodles and sauce together.

“Why’d you call, I’m live at the moment.” Rosie asked.

“What you can’t take some time out of your day to talk to your favorite older brother?” He asked teasingly. “You know I don’t have favorites!” She replied defensively.

That was a complete lie, both them and the fans watching knew that that was a lie and Rosie couldn’t deny it.

The call goes silent for a second before Minghao speaks up “You’re making dinner right?” Rosie hums out a yes whilst nodding, trying to best to focus on both the meal she’s making and the phone call. “Can I have some?” Rosie lets out a loud laugh.

“Of course Hao, you know I’ll always cook for you!”

“Good because I’m at the door, come unlock it.” Rosie giggled.

“I’ll be right back Carats, Minghao wants some dinner.” She stated before walking out of the camera view to unlock the door.

It always felt refreshing to see one of her older brothers outside of the stressful performing environment. Once she opened the door Minghao stepped in taking off his shoes and pulled the younger girl in for a hug. The two walked back into the kitchen and in the view of the camera where the two smiled and greeted Carats once again.

“Oh it smells good in here.” He complimented “I hope it does, I’ve been working on it for half an hour now. Can you do me a favor and grab the kimchi from the fridge?” Minghao nodded and did as she asked not without peaking and seeing some Crème Caramel, one of his favorite french desserts that Rosie enjoyed making.

“Oh you made Crème Caramel! Please tell me there is enough for me?” He pouted cutely handing her the kimchi she asked for. Rosie nodded and laughed “As long as you come with me to take Woozi Oppa some of this food.”

Minghao nodded his head as fast as he could, there’s was nothing more he would die for than Rosalie’s cooking.

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ FLOWERS, FOR ME? FOR YOU! time frame, 2018

Rosie was always picking flowers or talking about flowers. Her favorites were tulips, orchids, lotus, hibiscus, tiger lilies, carnations, hydrangeas, basically every single flower to exist she loves. It’s been brought up a lot throughout her idol career seeing as it was something very known about her.

At fan signings Rosie receives a ton of flowers and when I mean a ton, I mean Pledis Entertainment had to send out a notice and tell fans they aren’t allowed to bring her flowers anymore and to say that upset Rosie deeply, it did.

Every fan sign she was super excited to see what kinds of flowers she would receive and be told “You’re my favorite flower.” because you know her name is Rosalie and roses are a type of flower. You get the point.

The boys had noticed this and Rosie had expressed to Minghao how she was upset and would miss the flowers but she would get over it at some point.

Minghao didn’t like that. He did not like seeing his Rosebud upset because Pledis can’t handle the fact that Rosie is popular and enjoys receiving flowers.

So for their fansign that was coming up Minghao order the biggest bouquet of flowers he could. It included some of her favorite flowers in her favorite colors which he knew she would enjoy.

Everyone was on stage talking to Carats and messing with the gifts the fans had gotten them when Minghao had grabbed the mic and spoke.

“Everyone, I have a gift for Rosie.” Said girl looked up in suprise, she was just cuddling one of the stuffed animals she had been given when she was called out and was definitely confused.

“I know Carats aren’t allowed to bring Rosalie flowers anymore but nobody ever said anything about me getting flowers for our favorite Rose!” He exclaimed before grabbing the bouquet of flowers from a staff member and handing them to the youngest member.

Rosie didn’t want to cry but she couldn’t help it. It was such a small thing for him to do for her but it meant so much to her at the time.

“These are for me?”

“Of course.”

Rosie hugged him as tightly as she could without hurting him or the flowers, thanking him profusely.

Minghao helped wipe Rosie’s tears as she giggled, “The prettiest flowers for our flower.”

taglist — @angie-x3 @alixnsuperstxr @allthings-fandoms @peachyaeger @sakufilms @aysxldea

click here to join the taglist!

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adiposewalksaway · 9 months

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Welcome to Tumblr :D Hope you enjoy it here!

May I please request headcanons for the Batboys having a female S/O who struggles with sickle cell disease?

Thank you so much for this request. And I am so terribly sorry it took me so long to reply to it. Now, I did have to do some research for this, and I’m not completely confident that I can do your request justice. So, unfortunately, I did it a bit broader. And it is written more as a reader who is chronically ill, with some emphasis on some of the more common symptoms of sickle cell disease.

Dick Grayson

Dick is going to be one of the more chill boys when it comes to you having a bad day

That is not to say that he won’t be extremely protective of you.

He is confident that you know your own body better than he does

So he is going to listen to your needs

He will bring you whatever you think you need

He is going to be incredibly caring, but he isn’t going to be overbearing

He has all his bases covered, he knows how to help.

Dick will make sure your kitchen is fully stocked.

And will even do meal prep if that is what you need.

There is no use trying to avoid taking your medicine, he has ways of making you take it.

He’s a bit of a mother hen like that

Jason Todd

In opposition of Dick, I think he would be incredibly overbearing in how he helps to care for you

He is quite a worry wart

So much so, I think he comes off as a bit controlling.

He will differently make you stay with him

He believes that best way to take care of you is if he can be with you 24/7

If you show the slightest sight of pain, be it an episode of great pain, infection, or a severe headache.

He will bring you anything he thinks you need, regardless of if it is something you actually need

Pain medication? He has it!

Your feet have swelled? He will gentle massage your feet in an attempt to make them feel better

If there is a physical activity he thinks might make any of your symptoms worse, he is going to do it for you.

Tim Drake

The first thing TIm does upon finding out about your illness, is spend as much time as possible researching your disease and the best ways to help you

This boy might not be the best at taking care of himself, but he is absolutely great at taking care of you.

He sets reminders to make sure you are drinking enough water and getting enough sleep

We love this little hypocrite, someone needs to remind him to take care of himself too

Tim is willing to do just about anything for you

If you need him to do or get things for you, he’s doing it

Especially if you are having a bout of horrible pain or if you are incredibly tired or dizzy

When you experience swelling, he’ll make sure that you’ll keep the area elevated and iced

He will do whatever he can to make sure that you are nice and relaxed to not let stress make things worse

Damian Wayne

Damian is one to immediately become over protective of you

He is going to make you move into the manor with him, so that he can take care of you himself

He is going to be with you through every episode of pain you have.

He is not going to leave you to your own devices when you’re too tired or dizzy to do normal daily activities.

If you get an infection, he is going to have the best medicine available to help combat it.

Alfred is going to busy with how much this boy is fretting over you and your health

Expect gentle kisses on your forehead when he thinks you're asleep.

He is going to be embarrassed if you ever call him out on his soft behavior

He will even cuddle with you whenever you want

Also keeps the manor at the perfect temperature to keep you away from extreme temperatures, that might make you feel worse

#batboys x reader #dick grayson x reader #jason todd x reader #tim drake x reader #damian wayne x reader #dc x reader #this took me such a long time to post and i am so sorry to anyone who wanted to read this #i dont think i did the request justice #but so is my life

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thefrontofmymind · 2 years

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Please Hold Me (Joseph Quinn x gn!Reader)

a/n: this is a little short and entirely self-indulgent but i needed it ok? any feedback is welcome! kisses xxx

SYNOPSIS: Reader has a horrible day, Joe comforts them

WARNINGS: mentions of chronic pain, loss of sleep, also not eating enough but its all pretty light

It was a hard day for you–they almost always were, but today was particularly difficult. Between having a horrible sleep–tossing and turning all night, not being able to get comfortable enough to drift off into a blissful unconscious state–then getting up at almost the crack of dawn to get ready for work, only to discover your pain had flare and instead of being your regular just discomfort, you were in agony.

You let Joe sleep in so you didn’t speak to him before you left for work, you knew he had a few night shoots coming up soon so you thought it’d be best to let him savour the mornings when he could afford to get up at 11 AM, before calling you on your lunch break to chat about whatever he could think of to distract you with while you were at work.

It was a horrible work day, though. You were so busy, you had to work through lunch, only getting the chance to inhale a protein bar you kept in your desk drawer when you had a free few minutes–meaning there was no time to call Joe. You wondered what he was up to, how he was spending his free day.

Knock-off time couldn’t have come any sooner, and after a hectic commute, you practically fell through your front door and into Joseph’s arms. It wasn’t until you finally stopped that you realised just how exhausted you were, and how much pain your entire body was in.

“How was your day, love?” Joe asked in your embrace, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as the two of you stood in the entrance of your flat.

Before you could even answer, a thick film of tears washed over your eyes, spilling the second you let out the choked sob that was stuck in your throat the whole way home. “It was shit…just shit…” you cried.

“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry…” he comforted you, running a hand over your head while you just let it all out.

After a few minutes, you caught your breath, and pulled away from the crook of Joe’s neck to look at him once again–soft, brown eyes looking dead at yours and an empathetic smile across his face.

“How about you get changed into something comfy, and I’ll make you some tea and toast?” he asked, seemingly knowing exactly what you needed.

He was always good at that, always the most kind and sympathetic person in the room–it was one of the things that attracted you to him when you met. Perhaps the universe knows when someone needs to be taken care of and when someone is the best at taking care of those around them, and puts them together on purpose–at least that was your running theory on how you managed to find such a solicitous man.

You still held onto his arms while he stood, waiting for your response. “In a minute okay?” You sighed. “Just-just please hold me….”

Without a second thought he pulled you into his arms again–over your shoulders while you linked your arms behind his waist. He didn’t say anything for a while, just let you lean on him while you took in the scent of his body wash that lingered from his regular evening shower.

“Love you so much, you know?” he said. “I’m always here for you when you feel like shit, okay? Even when I’m away just call and I’ll always make the time to talk…”

You didn’t know quite what to say, you just felt so lucky. “Love you too, sweetheart.”

#joseph quinn #joe quinn #joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn imagine #joseph quinn drabble #joseph quinn blurb #joseph quinn x you

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usertiff · 1 year

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TLDR: no rent money, last time i was late w rent by 2 days i got an eviction notice, my cat needs urgent medical help, i’m out of work due to severely debilitating pain. extremely disabled, indigenous lesbian desperately in need of help. also a paragraph about how much i am sorry

my friend said, “nah bestie asking for help isn't shameful in any way. there's strength in knowing what you need,” but i still feel like crud

i am literally sobbing as i post this because i just feel... i feel like a loser, i feel worthless, i feel so many emotions right now because i’m so terrified and tired of asking for help. i’m terrified of people just being sick of me because i’ve needed help before, and i don’t know. i would never shame anyone else for needing help, and i know realistically it shouldn’t be shameful, but i personally feel shame because i feel like a failure. i feel like a loser/worthless/failure because of something that’s completely out of my control, and yet, the feeling is still there. i’m exhausted. i’m exhausted from being in this stressful, urgent situation. so i’m sorry. i’m so sorry i’m asking for help again, i’m so sorry. i feel horrible, i really do. i feel guilty for needing help. i feel sick. i’m trying not to, and i’m trying not to cry, but i’m typing this through very blurry vision rn.

as i’ve mentioned on my blog, i’ve been out of work due to severe chronic pain. i was able to work through my other disabilities. narcolepsy, my shitty mental health auDHD/bipolar, etc. but this chronic pain has been completely fucking debilitating. medical fatphobia tw incoming: i saw a neurosurgeon today and they won’t give me surgery because of “my weight being a risk for post-op complications, such as stitch rips”, so i just have to deal with the pain until i can lose enough they’ll operate on me ????????? i dont know what the hell i’m going to do........... this sucks so fucking bad i just wanna go back to work i hate living like this

my fiance needs her wisdom teeth removed really badly, but we had to cancel her appointment because the money we saved for it had to go to our cat.

possible animal death tw: my cat has bladder stones now................................. last time he had stones it costed almost $1k in surgery. the bladder stones will kill him if not treated, because toxins build up in the body and if he cannot pee... just sldfksldfkj i don’t wanna talk about it. he’s miserable.

i’m going to have to dip in to our rent money, which was actually our tax money because i’ve not been working so tax money was our saving grace this past month, to keep taking him to the vet. however, last time i was late on rent just 2 days, they gave us an eviction notice and only 7 days to come up with rent. that was a fucking disaster. so i’m TERRIFIED!!!!!!!

i need help so bad. with just surviving being out of work, and now my cat... i’m super annoyed because i was desperate to get my baby sister a doll for her birthday but there’s no way that’s happening now.

anyway, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. i’m sorry i need help. i’m sorry if you’re sick of seeing me on your dash for like the 3rd time needing major help.

i have set up a gofundme here https://www.gofundme.com/f/uwkhj-help-my-family-survive?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1

however, if you’d prefer to donate directly, due to the fact that gofundme takes a big portion of funds, here are my accts:

pypl: [email protected], v: @oraclelauren (3177), ca: $selinaaakyle

every donation is going to be greatly appreciated, and i promise to pay the kindness forward in every little way that i can

please don’t put yourself out to help, but if you can help, my heart goes out to you with forever gratefulness

#i am so exhausted #donations #gofundme #lgbt donations #idk what to tag #im so scared #my heart is pounding i feel so sick i just feel guilty for needing help #i know i shouldn't but i just do :sob:

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californiaboytoybilly · 2 days

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ALRIGHT GIRLIE (gn), I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS -

💜 🤎 🩶 🪴 🌾 😭 for billy! 🧡💚🌹🌼🌱 for steve!

okokok, i’m ready. let’s do this.

Billy

💜: I know he needs a break and I’ve give him that sometimes, but I really do put him in some truly awful situations sometimes (sorry baby boy).

🤎: Honestly most of my headcanons for him are like… Canon+. At the very least, they’re rooted in my interpretation of his canon. I do love giving him stupid, regal, frilly middle names just because I know he’d hate it though.

🩶: This is a very hard question, mmm. I’m going to have to say the world of Dishonored, but especially the second game. Can’t fight witches and parasitic, bloodsucking swarms of horrible flies with your fists, Bils.

🪴: I don’t know how most people view him, I personally view him as the sun. It keeps us alive, safe. But it can- and does- also kill us or harm us very easily. It flares up and burns red hot. Plus I like the connection of blonde hair/blue eyes like the sun and sky, and the connection to California.

🌾: This is more of a personal headcanon than it is based on anything from the show but I think he’s good at jewelry making. Not like… with big tools in a workshop and with diamonds, but beaded bracelets. Shells from the beach or cool rocks wrapped intricately in a wire cage. Braided leather bracelets. I like the idea that his mom taught him, with twine and shells at the beach. He was always more interested in surfing, but after she left/died, he picked it back up as a comfort.

He knows Neil would call it a fairy hobby or worse, so it’s his best kept secret. He hides that little bag of supplies better than his porn.

😭: No, I do not. I am cursed to remain here like a slightly unstable poltergeist.

Steve

🧡: Steve is so utterly my opposite personality wise that it’s funny but I did also have friends who stopped giving a shit about me in highschool because all they cared about was my house and the things they could earn by being my friends. That and big pathetic brown eyes.

💚: Some of my favourite rep headcanons for Steve are - him becoming hard of hearing after four seasons of concussion after concussion, him being dyslexic, and suffering from chronic pain in general from sports & injury. I’m pretty heavy on the bisexual Steve train, and the Italian Steve headcanon too.

🌹: I feel like when Steve hates you, there is no way you don’t know unless he’s pretending otherwise. He’s petty, bitchy and will absolutely cold shoulder the fuck out of you. Once a mean girl, always a mean girl.

🌼: I think that very much depends on if he was alone. I think, with a group, he’d adapt and be capable of surviving for at a minimum quite a long time. Alone? I don’t know if he’d care about fighting to stay alive if he was entirely alone in the world. He needs other people too much.

🌱: I think he starts out pretty optimistic and over time and tragedy, starts becoming more of a relativist. He is still more optimistic than Robin though, as seen by his steadfast conviction that “Vickie likes boobies” lmao.

#tysm for these!!!! 😭💜#steve harrington #billy hargrove #ask games

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pebiejeebies · 6 months

Text

Soo I wanna talk about my (possibly) chronic illness, because I’m so tired of this.

My reason to self diagnose: I have to self diagnose, my dad doesn’t believe in “disorders and disabilities (specifically ones like chronic illness, he normalized it in such a horrific way, it made me feel like I was an odd one out when I realized how healthy everyone else is)” *please don’t hate him, we don’t have money for much things anyways, it’s fine*

If you hate self diagnosis, just leave and spare both of us,

For now I wanna talk about what makes me feel like I have chronic illness, and that is literally being sick, I’ll be generally talking about everything painful/tiring that has been affecting me for over a year now..

TW: Mentions self harm/hate, gore, of gag/spit/vomit, dizziness, unease, etc. if you are sensitive to this topic please read at your own risk,,

Let’s start, so lately ive been accidentally swallowing mucus, all day, all night, to the point I have to breathe from my mouth, which COMPLETELY destroys my smell and taste. Especially when I get the common cold..

Barely any mucus comes from my nose, it’s almost ALWAYS my throat and saliva, to the point I started to think my saliva and mucus have been completely combined now. Like.. literally.

my breath always stinks, minty tastes really sucks and I hate toothpaste, I hate the mint and the texture, I’ve tried some things like these little bottles of meds for the cold, but they NEVER worked.

I almost always have a headache, my heartbeat has went from my normal 60/70bpm to 90/120 min/max.. and I always get voice changes, sometimes too deep, sometimes too high, and sometimes I lose my voice.

AND YOU KNOW WHATS FUNNY?! I LOVE SINGING. ITS LITERALLY MY SPECIALTY, MY ONLY TALENT THAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ABANDONING IT LIKE THE REST OF MY FAILED TALENTS, AND IT FUCKING SUCKS SO MUCH WHEN MY VOICE CHANGES.

I’m sorry.

back to my point, when I cry, I feel like my mucus explodes from everywhere, my throat, nose, eyes, and when I blow my nose too hard it hurts my ears for a while.

I’m so tired, I can barely run, I don’t wanna say I have asthma, but maybe I’m just not energetic and lazy.. or something.. and I CANT. I repeat.. I CANT. SLEEP.

It’s almost physically impossible (unless I stay up for too long to the point I slowly faint to sleep, which has been normal now for me)

did I mention my constipation? (Maybe this isn’t related, I’m just curious what makes someone chronically ill, especially since I’ve had constipation for around a year now)

I can’t sleep, smell, sing, cry (I hate crying so much, it’s become so terrifying and horrible) laugh, (cause all the mucus chokes me and makes me gag and almost vomit.

oh how I wish I could just rip out my throat and replace my nose and throat for a working one. How I wish I could breathe normally, to smell, to sing properly, to walk properly without my legs hurting or straining, to laugh and cry without choking and gagging, spitting mucus in the bathroom for what seems like 30 minutes, to think properly without a headache, to feel NORMAL again. It’s been a year or two now. Cant I just feel like a normal person again?

God why do I turn everything into a fucking vent.

Edit: does this mean I am chronically ill?

#I’m slowly losing myself #and my headache is killing me #you guys are the only people who can help #I’m so sick of myself #I don’t want to cry #chronic #chronic ill #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic disability #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #Chronically fatigue #chronically in pain #vent #im tired

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nicksbestie · 8 months

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Can I request more luke and Avery?

Monthly

word count : 1117

warnings : none

disclaimer!!! i am not extremely educated in this chronic illness, it's based off of my friend's experience. she has a post about it as well, with a link to learning more about it if you're interested!! @lukeontheredline

with that being said, enjoy!

Chronic illness is arguably the worst thing to hit Avery’s life since, well, ever.

Especially since hers was particularly painful. She had PFAPA, causing monthly flare ups that caused her so much discomfort. It caused high fevers, joint pain, sore throats and spots, all around anguish. It was even worse when she regressed during a flare up, because she was normally quite the verbal little, and the pain in her throat kept her from speaking as much.

It also made her cry a lot more, because she was in so much pain. Which in turn, didn’t help at all, and arguably made it worse. Her not being able to regulate her own temperature was a huge struggle, rarely being comfortable, and the fatigue from all of the discomfort kept her in bed, if not asleep, almost all day. Luckily, after two years, Luke was skilled at handling it and making it better in any way he possibly could.

She’d woken up that morning and immediately her face had dropped into a pout, tears building as she pushed her head into Luke’s shoulder and just let him hold her. He’d been tracking her flare ups for a while, they were just regular enough that he could tell a day or two prior that she wasn’t feeling well. As soon as she went limp in his arms, sadly hugging him, he knew she was in pain.

Placing the back of his hand onto her forehead, he grimaced when he realized that she was burning up. Her body was way too warm for him to hold her by arms for a long time, so he gently grabbed the oversized baby wrap and comforted her while he adjusted her into it and around himself. He knew she wasn’t going to want to eat a whole lot, and not wanting to aggravate the pain in her throat, he got her a grape popsicle. Breakfast could be sugar today, she deserved it for everything she was going through.

However, when she reached for it, the tears overwhelmed her and she burst into sobs. The cold temperature of the popsicle in her hands and mouth while she was already feeling cold due to her fever was too much, and Luke gently rubbed her back while he held her, placing the half-eaten popsicle back into the freezer for later. He quickly got something for himself to eat, before reaching into the medicine cabinet and pulling out the liquid painkiller they kept specifically for when either of them was regressed.

Avery hated it. Hating it came with the territory of being a chronically ill child, having to take it day after day after day for a week every single month. But, she was too small to take pills, so a small dose of liquid was all she could have. And, as expected, as soon as she saw that Luke poured the liquid into the little cup, she began to cry.

“No, Daddy, no takes it. Pease, no wans to!”

He pressed a small kiss to her forehead, gently trying to calm her down.

“I know, honey. I know. I’m so sorry little one, but it’ll help your pain.”

After about ten minutes of crying and negotiation, he finally got her to take the medicine, giving her a drink to wash her mouth out with afterwards, because the aftertaste was horrible. He walked over to the couch with her, sitting down and taking her out of the wrap. She curled up on his lap, back to his chest, and he flipped on her favorite show before gently beginning to massage her knees, knowing they were in a lot of pain due to her fever. Her being distracted enough by the show, he grabbed the thermometer and took her temperature, frowning when it showed at 102° F (38.9° C). She was burning up, but she was shivering in his lap, and he felt terrible for her.

After an hour or two, her fever was still the same, but she was getting more and more uncomfortable, and the body heat from Luke’s hugs and cuddles was just making it worse. He knew that she hated cooling her body down because she already felt like she was freezing, but he didn’t feel very good about her just sitting here, burning up. So, he lifted her, pausing her show and walking into their room.

“Honey, why don’t you pick out some fresh clothes, and we’ll take a bath?”

She pouted, sniffling, but walked over and picked out a clean onesie, coming back to Luke and wrapping herself around him, handing him the onesie. He softly smiled, kissing her head before grabbing her a clean pair of underwear as well, then softly holding her hand and walking to the bathroom. He started running the bath water, periodically testing the temperature on the inside of his wrist, before deciding when it was cool enough. Another thing Avery hated was cold baths, but they brought her fever down by a degree or two, so unfortunately, they were helpful.

As expected, when he softly helped her in it, she began to cry and tried to get back out. He gently pulled her into his chest, sitting in the tub with her, and going back to rubbing her knees when she sat down, curling into his chest, still crying. He felt awful for her, but knew it would bring her fever down to where she’d be a little bit more comfortable afterwards. He checked her temperature after about 7 minutes, smiling when it had dropped to 100° F (37.8° C). He pulled the drain plug, letting the water run out and picking Avery up to step out of the tub. He gently held her on the edge of it, pulling on boxers and shorts before he started to towel her off. Zipping her up into her onesie, she practically jumped into his arms, making him let out a small laugh as he picked her up and held her on his hip. He tossed the dirty clothes into the laundry, hugging her tightly as he walked back down the stairs. Now that her fever had cooled a small bit, she was a little less cold, and very happy to see the saved grape popsicle in the freezer waiting for her. Luke managed to get her to eat some small bites of chicken nuggets, and she was overall in a much better mood. He knew it would get worse again at some point during the week, but that didn’t matter right now. She was feeling better, even if it was just a tiny bit, and he’d be here to take care of her the whole time.

#5sos fic #5sos fluff #5sos #5sos angst #5sos x reader #5sosfam #chronic pain #chronic illness #caregiver luke hemmings #5sos agere #5sos age regression #5sos sfw fic #luke hemmings age regression #luke hemmings agere #daddy luke (sfw)

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mothwithapencil · 2 years

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Hi can I just ask for some Ghetsis positivity because I’m sick of everyone around me slandering him

Sorry this is a little late but YES. YES YOU CAN. Big post incoming.

Listen. People hate Ghetsis for completely valid reasons. But people like him, even relate to him, for completely valid reasons too. And I'm sick of people shitting all over Ghetsis and people who like him all the time, even when it's completely uncalled for. I'm sick of having to be "humble" and apologize for liking Ghetsis when introducing myself to people, lest they think I kick puppies and throw babies off cliffs for fun or something. Sick of scrolling his tag and seeing people calling him horrible things or, even worse, targeting his disabilities (physical and mental). Sick of people legitimately claiming he's homophobic, transphobic, even racist just because they don't like him. You do see how that's harmful to people in those groups who like him right. Furthermore, I have the type of RSD where if someone doesn't like a character I like I feel hurt myself. So you can imagine how hellish it is out there. I can't imagine how bad it is for systems with Ghetsis introjects. So for all the completely normal people bearing the curse of simply enjoying a character:

Ghetsis likers! You're valid!

Ghetsis is a very complex, layered character! There's lots to like about him! He's pretty, he's funny, he's tragic, he's a depressed middle aged man.... The list goes on! There's also many valid reasons to relate to him! Ghetsis is implied to have several mental illnesses/disorders/etc that aren't often seen, especially not in a Pokemon game. He's paranoid, he has PTSD, NPD, body dysmorphia, he even shows autistic+adhd traits. He's also a cane user and is popularly interpreted as being an amputee/prosthetic user and having chronic pain from the injuries on his eye/arm/leg/etc. Although him being a villain doesn't do much for "good representation," it's okay for you to see yourself in him! I relate to him for his paranoia, PTSD, and autistic/adhd traits, and that's okay! And some may ask "But N is autistic and likely has PTSD too, why not relate to him instead?" Some may relate to him too! You're allowed to like both of them! Ghetsis and N likers aren't mortal enemies, we're not that different! But not everyone can just choose which characters they attach to. And some may relate to Ghetsis more for a variety of reasons. Ghetsis has a slower, more rough process of healing that may appeal more to some people. You're not obligated to relate to one character over another because the first one isn't a "good guy."

Even if you don't particularly relate to him, you can enjoy him just for the sake of liking him! Some reasons I just think he's a fun character:

His silly "mya-ha-ha-ha!" laugh!!!

The fact that he tries to look intimidating and scary only to call the player in USUM "tiny intruder"

Gee N, your dad is gnc AF!

This picture.

"That blasted Colress! How dare he put his personal intellectual curiosity before our ultimate mission of conquering Unova!" *proceeds to continue spoiling Colress rotten and not doing a single thing to stop him from putting off his work*

The fact that he does so much to make himself seem emotionless but is still clearly very emotional. There's lots of things that confuse and scare him!

His passion! His love for Unovan history and public speaking! (even if he's not the best at delivering them without pacing around and stuttering and trailing off...) (#autism)

His terrible fashion sense. He looks like he fell through a window and got caught on the tapestry. His unexplained love for eye motifs. Me too.

The sheer fact he's such a layered character. There's a lot about Ghetsis that's never directly stated in the games, and much to be picked up from subtle implications. His history as a descendant of fhe Ancient King, his several traumatic life experiences (two separate pokemon attacks, and of course the "memory that has continued to haunt [him]," etc.

His incredibly silly dynamic with Colress. According to pokespe and the RR episode, they've known each other for years, much longer than one would think initially. Trying not to steer too much into antigrav territory, their friendship is unique and funny. They're best friends. They threaten to feed each other to Kyurem daily. As long as they don't get caught, they plan on conquering Unova together. Colress annoys Ghetsis on purpose and Ghetsis responds with ranting about him in private but still raising his paycheck. Chaos duo.

This post is already so long, and I could say more, but to top it off I want to say:

Ghetsis likers who hate N and N likers who hate Ghetsis are the weakest link. As I said earlier, we can enjoy both! Ghetsis enjoyers and N-joyers, we have a lot in common! We both love a very clearly autistic guy with lots of trauma and pretty long hair! It's not a stretch to assume most of us have some parental issues we're coping with by attaching to them! Furthermore, you don't have to "avenge" N by violently hatimg Ghetsis. N still loves his dad, and even if he doesn't have to, he still wants Ghetsis to heal and get better (Cue to... Everything he says to Ghetsis, and even his line when teamed up with him in Pokemas: "I still have hope for you, Ghetsis..."). If he saw the things some of you say about his dad, he'd be horrified. I promise you, saying you want to kick out Ghetsis' cane and take out his other eye just makes you ableist, not a soldier fighting for N's honor. People who like either character aren't at war with each other! I love my N-joyer friends! We can coexist.... Harmonia enjoyers holding hands and singing in a circle...

That's about it! Sorry I'm so passionate about this, I've just seen a ton of hate on Ghetsis lately and I want to combat it. By the way, feel free to send me an ask about any of the stuff I mentioned here!

Please don't interact with this post if you're going to say some mean shit about Ghetsis/his fans or say "he's not actually autistic/disabled etc" "I hate him but..." "You still shouldn't like him because xyz". Please just let this be a happy space for us!!!!

#ask #ableism mention #pokemon #pkmn #pokemon black and white #pokemon bw #pokemon bw2 #pokemon black and white 2 #team plasma #ghetsis #n harmonia

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kaiokentimesten · 1 year

Note

Hello! so you’re like one of the very few blogs I know that has a better understanding of c!schlatt- and I just kinda wanted to know what he’s all about! :D I don’t 100% trust the general understanding the fandom has for him (for the very reason that some people think vilbur is even accurate to canon) and I was interested in what you know! :)

Oh anon!! Tysm that's so sweet of you to say :D it's crazy to think I am one of The c!Schlatt Guys to some people. This rant gets p long so I’m putting it under the cut sorry this took so long lollllllll

It's pretty fair to not trust the fanon understanding of c!Schlatt because...well, it's not great. Generally, people see him as just a horrible, abusive monster and an absolute villain up until the end, which...isn't the full story, imo. c!Schlatt to me shows off some of the ugliest parts of humanity, and what happens when you refuse to better yourself and accept help

There's a steady decline to c!Schlatt. As the DSMP goes on, he becomes more unstable and a lot more paranoid, not even trusting the people in his own cabinet. He loses himself in his own addiction that he only relies on because he's in so much pain all the time, as seen in Fundy's "A Spy's Diary". Quoted directly from that:

"Schlatt has a severe addiction to alcohol and cigarettes to suppress his aching body. He is unwilling to get it checked due to his pride. If the symptoms progress, he might suffer fatal consequences." (Page 17)

"Schlatt is incapable of swimming. After further inspection it seems to be a form of muscle atrophy. He uses protein supplements to regain a viable level of strength. He seems to get weaker by the day." (Page 18)

He was too prideful to get any help for his illnesses, so he continued to spiral downward. His treatment of others led to him dying in a van, surrounded but alone since everyone at that point pretty much hated him. It's sad, tragic even, because it didn't have to be this way, but it was

Still, this isn't to say Schlatt doesn't do horrible things. The way he treats people—Quackity, Niki, and Tubbo in particular—is terrible. There's the festival where he executes Tubbo, but there's also his heavy taxation and singling out of Niki, and the abuse he constantly bombards Quackity with. There's this clip I always think of where Q is trying to propose to Schlatt, and Schlatt's ignoring him and brushing him off up until Q threatens to leave. Then, he puts on this sweet voice and goes "where are you going? come back!" only to call Quackity a flatty patty when he does. (clip here.) It's cruel!

Schlatt is such a fascinating antagonist because he knows just how to get under everyone's skin. His cruel pettiness is absolutely perfect for everyone involved (especially someone like c!Wilbur), and the best part about it is how he does everything in such a fucking funny way

That's the thing. c!Schlatt isn't this cold, unfeeling monster that just abuses everyone around him—nor is he constantly shouting at people and hitting them. He's calm, collected, and he's funny. He's able to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, and he's able to rally people against you because of his charisma. It's so cool! I love it. I love this guy so much even though he kind of sucks

But, like I said, to say that he's just A Villain does him a bit dirty I think. His addiction and chronic illness plays such an important part to his story, and I think it's a disservice to have it go unmentioned. He's a guy with a lot of problems that did some really shitty things, and isn't that just perfect for the DreamSMP?

TLDR: c!Schlatt did a lot of shitty things but calling him just a one note villain does a bit of disservice to his character imo. He’s my little bah bah blorbo etc etc

#holleh.ask

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mousegirlheart · 11 months

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Personally, I wish there was something my very broke ass could do for you. It feels wrong for someone like you not getting the help you deserve! Like there should be easy to use systems and technologies set in place for you! What is this society if you’re in constant pain with no immediate solution? Shouldn’t people be working on the solution? Shouldn’t people be working to make it easy to access?

But maybe it’s more complicated than that. You’ve undoubtedly asked yourself this before. And I don’t want to burden you by saying your pain makes me sad. That’s not it. I turned on anonymous in order to make this less about me, as I have a tendency to contrast and compare to my own life, and it doesn’t always come across well.

I knew a person who, while not disabled as it is normally defined, lost a lot of their strength as they got older and suffered horrible pains quite often. They were, ableist, to themselves, really thinking they should be above that pain, work harder, push past it. They died from exhaustion, overwork, and untreated sickness.

I know someone like you doesn’t have the same delusions, nor the need to put yourself in the kind of danger she did, that you’re in pain to. And I just wish there really was something I could do to help beyond giving money I yet do not have. Maybe kind words but, I bet you might’ve heard it all before. Someone like you should really deserve all the kind words and more the world can offer. I can’t apologize, it’s not my fault. I can’t say get well soon, it’s a chronic pain, like a curse in real life, except with no evil wizard to kill for retribution.

But I know there are people out there who could be doing something. I’m just not one of them. I’m not someone who can, meaningfully help you out, and that is what I’m sorry for. It’s not really a you thing specifically, I jump at the opportunity to help people, and my instincts are all messed up, because I know someone needs help, but I don’t know what I can do. I bet you’ve received a lot of nice words from people. And you deserve it. You really do. There’s not more else I can provide other than reassurance you’ve probably already heard. “There’s light at the end of the tunnel.” “It won’t last forever.” “There’s more to life than just pain.” Even if it were all true, it’s not really your situation. There’s not much either of us can do is there? Even I, perfectly “able bodied” as I may seem, can hardly help myself.

I could talk about how, great you are, how much people really love and care for you, but no matter how true that is, and it is true, it’s not going to match that pain, it’s not even on the same level and you know it. Even when you’re happy, or doing something else, the pain persists regardless of emotion, it’s in your body, not your head, kind words alone can’t fix that, at least to my knowledge. You know people here really like you. There’s probably people in real life who really like you. Despite the mistreatment I hear you go through. But again, that’s not gonna help the source, you’ve heard it before, it’s nothing new. And maybe there’s nothing I can do for you.

You don’t have to answer this. This isn’t an ask, really. It’s more of an earnest message. I can't imagine how much it hurts to be in your body, and I shouldn’t really. I shouldn’t have to know how much it hurts to care about someone hurting. I’m just a voice in the dark to you, behind sunglasses. I can’t see you, you can’t see me. But I bet I’m not the only person who cares like that. I’m willing to bet a lot. I just wish more people who cared were in positions to do something about it. Some sad irony.

This is probably just another painful day to you, not a day any more or less deserving of this, droning letter of an ask. I’m sorry if I brought down your mood with all the hopelessness and talk of “Nothing I can do.” If there was something, anything I Could do, I would. Honestly. But again, this is probably just one more painful day for you in an already painful existence. There’s no “Light at the end of the tunnel.” No matter how much light there is, you’ll still be feeling pain, huh? The saddest, most painful thing for me, is knowing you just have to live with it for now. That there really is nothing, at least we can do yet. That I really can’t help you, I can’t even try. Maybe there’s a bit of solace in that? Best to take in anything good from this. That’s how I cope with things. My delusion.

I can’t shake the feeling of injustice though. Like it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to be in that pain, that pain doesn’t have to be in you. At least I think so. I always think there’s something to be done. That’s what makes me so stupid, irrelevant of any other skill or intelligence I may have.

All that being said;

For being in that kind of position, genuinely screwed over by life and people, I think you’re doing great personally, at least from what I can tell. I think you’re a great mouse, irrelevant of the pain and stress that your body may have, or how you express those bodily feelinngs. I know you can’t ignore it, it’s always there, and regardless of how much people or I say “Your pain is not all you are!” That won’t make it go away. But I really hope you already know, you really prove to me how exceptional everyone and everything here is. No matter how many of you mice, humans, and animals ``sentient/sapient/conscious`` or not I meet, I don’t feel like anyone is any less special or amazing in their own right. And you are not any different, because your qualities shine through, and you are a quality mouse, suffering what I think is a great injustice, the injustice being a lack of help, respect, and support. I can’t provide that first or last thing, at least in a significant or real way, but I can prove that middle thing. You have my respect. You may not want it, you may not care for it, and you may prefer love or honor, but I think you're a highly respectable mouse, who deserves far more than you’re currently getting in life, and respect is all I have to give. So please, accept this. Accept my respect, and accept that you are worth a lot. Not to anyone or anything in particular, you are just a worthwhile mouse, and maybe you should he happy being you, not the painful body, but the big strong heart behind it.

Again, you don’t even have to answer. Just know.

thank you for this... this really, genuinely made me tear up and cry... this really means so much to me...

#for later #< tag to read this again later if i feel bad again

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divineprank · 11 months

Text

Hello everyone! ♥

Sorry for the lack of activity from me on this side of my blog! I just wanted to give you a small update and let you know what’s going on. Allow me to warn you that the following will contain descriptive mentions of chronic pain, advanced arthritis, skeletal injury, spinal injury, paralysis, shoulder dislocation, surgery, and shoulder replacement surgery. I am a caregiver for my physically disabled mother who normally struggles quite a bit with her usual physical limitations. Twenty years ago, she was in a horrible accident that left her partially paralyzed from an incomplete spinal cord break. She can walk and talk and feed herself, but she’s quite limited in her daily life and she is often in a lot of pain as a result.

Unfortunately, as she’s grown older, she has developed arthritis in her left shoulder, like many of us do. Sadly, it’s progressed to a point that her arm has literally dislocated itself. You see, she has stage IV arthritis -- this is the worst “grade” your arthritis can be rated. Having stage IV arthritis means that the cartilage has completely worn down and now the bone has been grinding against bone. What this means for her is her shoulder bones have ground against each other so much that it is no longer physically possible for her arm to remain locked in her shoulder joint where it belongs naturally. Because of how bad her arthritis is, reducing the shoulder dislocation--that is, to set the arm back into place--is impossible. There is literally nothing for her skeleton to lock together, the shape of her shoulder anatomy has been permanently altered due to the progression of her arthritis. Since they can’t pop her arm back into place, she is facing a total shoulder replacement. Right now she is in an immense amount of pain and her usual limitations have been amplified ten-fold. So, I’ve been really busy with helping my already-limited mother maneuver life around basically having only one arm, as well as trying to manage her terrible pain until we can get this surgery taken care of. We’re almost there, she just needs a medical clearance from her lung doctor because she just got over COVID.

To those of you who are waiting on the asks you sent me, and to those who are expecting some older threads I have drafted: I am still here, I am still present and I definitely want to write with you guys. Ganondorf’s muse is on fire and I want to be a pyromaniac! But things will be a bit slow from my end for a little while. I’ve just got a lot going on at home right now, haha. Please don’t let that discourage you from reaching out, though! Even though it sounds like I’ve got a lot going on, writing is one of my favorite ways to decompress, so I’m still VERY open to receiving asks, getting tagged and talking through IMs (or Discord with mutuals!) right now! Plus, I’ll definitely still be chipping away at what I owe you guys! I’m hoping to get a bunch done by this weekend! But yeah! All this craziness aside, I am normally kind of a slow RPer, but with the situation at hand, I know I’m going to be even slower, so I’m writing this because I’m a little paranoid that I’m coming across as aloof. I want to be open and honest with you guys in case it seemed like I was procrastinating or ignoring anyone! Thanks for reading; I appreciate your understanding and I hope you all have a great night! :)

#tw spinal injury #tw chronic pain #tw paralysis #tw arthritis #tw skeletal injury #tw dislocated shoulder #tw surgery #tw shoulder replacement surgery #Out of time. :: [OUT OF CHARACTER]

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proudfreakmetarusonniku · 2 years

Text

Posting the Together Forever AU writing before bed.

TW: Literal possession, possessive behaviour, obsession, gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, murder, death of children, religious themes, bigotry towards witches, victim blaming, self hate, disassociation, chronic pain, body horror

The sky is alight in the Demon Realm.

That’s the first thing Hunter notices, trying desperately to avoid the reality of blood and bone and screaming and pain. The sky is a kaleidoscope, a stunning display of pinks and reds and oranges and purples. A galaxy of constellations, like the ones he read about in Cosmic Frontier, dot the skies. It’s strange and stunning enough he can almost lose himself in it.

“Disgusting, isn’t it, Caleb?” Belos sneers, and forcibly, Hunter is forced back into terrible reality.

It hits all at once, the events of the past few hours. Voices and images in his head, a phantom scratching like ants under his skin he tried to ignore. Spiralling thoughts. An anger, a possessiveness he didn’t recognise bubbling in him, like he wasn’t in control of himself. The agony of being a puppet on a string, a marionette, his bones turning in ways they shouldn’t and the touch of rot and goop like burning.

The broken bodies of his friends. His family. Still breathing, but barely, and Titan, could humans survive those injuries? They didn’t have healing magic, so how would they be able to? The metallic smell of blood. The sheer exhaustion, being unable to fight back against his body being under another’s control. Dizzying vertigo and swirling colours.

If he was able to, Hunter would be sick.

“Caleb!” Hunter automatically jumps to attention at the sharp sound of his uncles voice, not sure if it’s coming from him or inside his head.

“My name is Hunter, uncle,” he half-thinks, half-says, his voice quiet and soft. “I'm not- I'm not-“

Belos drives the sharp edge of his nails into his-their body, and Hunter can’t flinch from the pain, take a deep breath, only feel the stabbing and the green burning sludge spreading into more of his flesh. “Caleb, do you really think you can play the fool with me? I have known you since the day I was born; I can recognise you from any of those pale imitations. Seeing through your eyes, hearing your every thought… you couldn’t have fooled me if you tried, brother.”

There was a pause, and the stabbing pain subsided, Hunter barely recognising his own arm was moving. “Unless, you have truly forgotten?” His voice was soft like the fabric in the Human Realm, a warmth that made Hunter unwillingly feel proud, satisfied. “Do you remember how you protected me, all those years ago? Do you remember the games we'd play in the woods?”

If there was one thing Hunter knew by heart, it was this- if you wanted to avoid getting hurt, always do exactly what Belos wanted. If you didn’t know, predict it. Always stay one step ahead of any potential wrath. And… he’d lost everything anyways. All he had left was himself, and even if he deserved all the pain in the world, some selfish part of him tried to avoid that still.

“I'm sorry, I really don’t remember. I'm trying to, but I can’t.” His voice breaks, and for some reason a small part of him thinks it’s guilt over being a bad brother, even though that makes no sense. “Emperor Belos, I-“

“Philip.” There’s an annoyed tone, and it makes Hunter expect… something, even though he doesn’t know what. “Please, use my real name.”

“… Yes, Philip. My… my brother.”

“See, look, you’re remembering already!” The horrible bolt of pride hits Hunters stomach again, along with something he can’t quite name mixed in, and he hates it. He hates it he hates it he hates it so much he wants to pull at his hair and scratch at his skin but he can’t move a muscle, even as his skin crawls like a million tiny bugs are underneath it.

He's frozen, as Bel- as Philip effortlessly, smoothly walks them along to do Titans knows what, and the fear of anticipation makes him feel sicker than ever.

——

Over the next few months, Hunter grows numb to the taste of Palismen.

Their form still withers without it, and there’s nothing left of Hunter's old body anymore, everything being held together solely by the slick oily goop of Philip's monstrous form. He looks much the same as he always did, but on touch things sink into his skin, and his whole body is enveloped in a permanent burning pain that makes thinking hard, and listening to Philip seem so easy.

As it turns out, there’s a lot of witchless Palismen in this horrific, warped version of the Demon Realm. Catching them was easy when he didn’t hold the reins of their shared body, but he could still feel them trembling in fear under his grasp, the desperation in their eyes. It felt like murder, every time.

Palisman souls, he finds, taste like screaming.

——

“Can you remember what happened on the day you carved my mask?”

No would be the correct answer, but more important than answering correctly is answering in a way that pleases Philip, Hunter has learned.

“A little,” he lies, desperately recalling the mess of information about the man he was meant to be he'd learnt. “I- it was your birthday, right? Your… eighth?”

“Ninth.” Philip doesn’t sound too angry at that, but Hunter still flinches in anticipation. He’s regained a little control over his own body, he’s found, but only in situations like this, where he can’t even really do anything with it.

The two of them were taking shelter from the boiling rain, which tended to progress to a boiling flood whenever it was the least convenient. Thankfully, the goop that made up their body didn’t burn much under it, but it lost its cohesion painfully, and if it got damaged too much it'd reveal their galderstone heart, the one part of Hunter that remained, and that didn’t handle the rains as well.

Every single scratch to it made Hunter's head feel more and more fuzzy, made his real memories more and more like static. He hates how it makes things easier like that.

“Of course, your ninth birthday. You were crying because you thought you were a sinner, but when I gave you that gift, you'd grinned ear to ear.”

“Very good. I'm so proud of your progress, Caleb.” The relief in Philip’s voice was palpable, and it felt foreign, that vulnerability. It was a side of himself that Hunter had once thought he'd shown him, with his transformations and his anger, but being “Caleb” felt like seeing a whole new side of his “brother”, and it felt like some weird fever dream. “Do you remember what you promised me, on that day?”

Hunter lowers his head. “I can’t recall. I'm sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise for something that isn’t your fault,” Philip says, and Hunter knows it’s a lie, but it’s a comforting one. He pretends to ignore the amused tone to it. “You put a hand on my shoulder and smiled, and said no matter what, we'd be together forever.”

“I guess I wasn’t wrong there.” It comes out bitter, even though Hunter doesn’t mean it to.

“Don't use that tone.” It’s lighter than Hunter ever remembers Philip reprimanding him before all this, but it still invokes the same feeling of dread. “You were right there, though, yes. You always were too clever for your own good, without anyone to rein you in like you did me. It’s only fair to do the same in return, don’t you agree?”

Hunter doesn’t, of course, but he knows the answer Philip wants. “Of course, brother.”

He feels himself smile. “I always knew this would work, Caleb. I knew God would return you to me, one way or another. I should have recognised the gift I had been given earlier, but perhaps that was God's plan too. After all, we really are together forever, like you promised.”

Hunter pauses at that. If… if Caleb had said that, if he'd said that, wouldn’t it make sense for him to have come back like this? It’s not like he'd be able to know, but Philip would. Maybe he was just in denial. After all, Philip always had something to say, always had something that was proof, and it had to mean something, right? It had to. He was just being stupid and selfless for pretending he was anything but a vessel fulfilling his purpose.

“I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way,” Caleb says, and he’s not sure himself about whether it’s a truth or a lie. Maybe it’s both.

——

The first time they meet another witch, they are younger than Caleb's new body.

He is sick after they are disposed of. Of course, he knows witches are evil, he remembers now. Philip had helped him, reminded him of their demonic ways. But he's still weak. Stupid. Has the same tendencies that drove him to sin and abandon his little brother.

Philip hugs him tight with their arms and tells him that he shouldn’t feel guilty, he did the right thing, the Godly one. It doesn’t make him feel any better.

He isn’t sick the next witch he hunts.

——

His hair grows out quickly, but he doesn’t age. The patterns of rot on him seem to be different every time he looks, ever so slightly. His clothes are a part of him, and if he focuses very hard, he can change them too. He dresses like he used to, at Philips insistence.

Philip keeps note of those things in a journal, trying to figure out their limits. Caleb can’t say he understands his enthusiasm. He remembers his brothers curiosity, at least he thinks he does, but he's not sure how they’re any different to the monsters they hunt. Maybe it takes one to kill one.

Caleb used to be curious once, he thinks. He’s grown out of it now, that childish fantasy he allowed himself to experience pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Now, he just feels numb.

Not entirely of course. There are three things he feels. First, and most importantly, is love for his little brother. It still felt strange to imagine Philip as that, and he supposed it technically wasn’t true anymore, since Philip had been alive for many more years than he had, but it was his duty. His responsibility.

He takes like it to a duck to water, as a shoulder to cry on, a rock, a source of advice. He always knows what to say to make his brother smile, and it fills him with pride whenever he feels his body do it involuntarily. On the rare occasions he messes up, the stupid remains of an idiot child still inside him, he more than welcomes the punishment. He knows he deserves it.

Second is a hatred of witches. He’s not sure if it classifies as hatred exactly, to be honest, though. He pities them more than anything- those with the misfortune to be born demons, be born sinful tempters without a choice in the matter. He tells himself it is a kindness to free their souls from that fate, allow them to be reborn as something better. Like he himself was.

Finally, least of all, was this odd sense of homesickness. He didn’t know where to, exactly. He remembered scattered faces, but everything else was a blur. He'd been stuck in this hell for so long he saw them with pointed ears, weaving demonic magic with their hands, which couldn’t be the case. He must be remembering home, back when he was with Philip. He could recall the dry facts as easily as breathing, of course, but the feeling of rain on his skin, of holding baby Philip in his arms, the face of those he'd loved, those were beyond his grasp.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been here. Long enough to notice he's stopped growing, but whether that’s months or years or eons upon eons is something he can’t answer. He spends much of his time in a state in between existence, dimly aware of what’s happening but not feeling it. The worsening pain made that all the more tempting. Even detached from everything, it still threatened to overload him at any moment.

Philip praises him for being so obedient, so it must be fine.

Caleb lives his life as scattered scenes now, like a dream he can’t wake up from. But it’s a good dream, so he doesn’t mind. Most of the time, he is talking with Philip. Some of the time, he is under the water and holding his heart in his hands and on the verge of breaking it. He doesn’t know why. Somehow, it feels tempting.

But, no. He has a purpose he was built for, and he'll do it. A good big brother never does anything to upset their little brother. Never leaves them. Never hurts them. Caleb is a good brother, and that makes it worthwhile.

——

When he sees another human for the first time in who knows how long, she is vaguely familiar.

It’s something about the shape of her nose, the roundness of her cheeks. Maybe her lips, or the warm brown of her skin. Caleb cannot name it.

Her hair is long and curly, one of her eyes is bandaged. Several of her limbs appear to be clunky metal. There is a dullness to her brown eyes that Caleb recognises from himself. Still, for some reason, she smiles at him.

“Hunter?” Her voice is frustratingly familiar too.

He shakes his head. “I'm sorry. My name is Caleb.”

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