How Do We Get Back (8/16) - schitt’s creek ff

Summary: In a literal alternate universe where the Roses escaped financial ruin, David and Patrick struggle with loneliness and a sense that something isn’t right. A chance meeting in New York and a terrible tragedy drive them to question whether the timeline they are on is the right one.

Rated explicit. This chapter 3.3k words. So you know how my summary has always referred to a “terrible tragedy”? Ummm... here we go.   (ao3)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

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Chapter 8

Spring arrived in New York on muddy, wet feet, pouring down from the sky in day after day of rain. As David dragged himself from his empty apartment to his empty gallery and back (when he bothered opening the gallery at all), he found the rain to be perversely appropriate. The grayness, the lack of sunshine for days at a time fit his mood perfectly.

He knew he needed to stop hibernating alone, that he needed to put himself out there — go to a bar or at least open Tinder and swipe right on someone. But it felt like more than he could possibly handle, and so he stayed in his solitary cocoon. Friends would call or text sometimes, telling him to get his ass down to this or that party, but that too felt like it would require more energy than he could muster.

He rewatched Downton Abbey during those weeks, starting over with the first series as soon as he came to the end, and when he didn’t have the TV on, he wrote and wrote in his journals, filling two full books in February and March. He wrote about the way he was feeling, the heaviness on his heart that he couldn’t explain, and the way the thought of resuming his old dating habits, with its revolving door of shallow people, made him feel like crying. He wrote about the fact that his entire professional life had been a lie, propped up by his deceitful parents. And he wrote about Patrick.

There was a part of David that wished he and Patrick had never met. It was unfair that a person who’d been in his life for not even 36 hours could have made such an impression, could have left him feeling so abandoned when he had absolutely no right to feel abandoned. Patrick didn’t owe him anything, and what else was he supposed to do other than go back to his small-town Canadian life? But David couldn’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t stop unlocking his phone and looking at the few texts they’d exchanged, couldn’t help wondering what would happen if he texted Patrick now. He was too afraid to find out.

~*~

“Patrick, would you like some eggs?” his mother asked as he descended the stairs.

“Mom, I’ve told you that you don’t need to cook for me. I’m trying not to be an imposition,” he said, sitting down at the kitchen table to put on his shoes.

“You’re our son, not an imposition. And I’m making eggs anyway.” She gave him an exasperated but fond smile. “Where are you headed so early on a Saturday?”

“I’ve got more apartments to look at.” He’d been staying with his parents for several weeks and trying to find a more permanent place when he had the time and energy. So far the apartments he’d seen had been nice, but out of his price range, since he was still paying half the rent at the apartment where Rachel was living.

Marcy shot him a sad look. “You don’t have to run out and get another apartment; you can stay here for as long as you need to, until you and Rachel have a chance to work through everything.”

“I’ve told you that’s not going to happen.” When he’d shown up on their doorstep, teary-eyed and exhausted, his parents seemed to have resolved to let him figure things out on his own without commenting on his personal life. Apparently that resolve was crumbling as the weeks stretched out and he wasn’t reconciling with his wife.

“What’s not going to happen?” his dad asked as he came in from the back door, where he’d no doubt been up early trying to get a jump on preparing the yard for spring.

Marcy pulled an egg carton from the fridge and cracked two more eggs into a bowl. “I was just saying that Patrick doesn’t need to rush out and get another apartment. He has an apartment with his wife.”

“Which I’m going to be moving out of permanently once I get my own place,” Patrick said, picking up the newspaper to give his hands something to do. Every article on the front page detailed another horror. The rise of a new extremist sect in Syria that even ISIS was afraid of. Drought in California that threatened the world’s food supply. A mass suicide in China by some group called the Acolytes of King Yan. Bushfires in Australia. Patrick pushed the paper away.

He could see his parents exchange a look in his peripheral vision. “Patrick, I’ve spoken to Rachel a few times,” his mother said, and Patrick’s heart began to race. Had she told them what he’d done?

“What did she say?” he asked, terrified of the answer.

“She won’t say what happened, but I’ve never heard her so convinced that things aren’t going to work out between you two.” His mother abandoned the eggs she was whisking and sat down at the table next to him. “But for as long as you’ve been together, I can’t imagine that there’s no way to work things out. Whatever happened—”

“We aren’t going to work things out because I never should have been with her in the first place. Because I’m gay,” he blurted, his hands clutching together. Patrick sat there in the moment that hung silently after those words had left his mouth, in utter shock at himself.

“What makes you say that?” his father said and then chuckled uncomfortably.

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound, Patrick thought. “There was a guy I met in February, and if love at first sight were a real thing, then I swear that’s what I experienced. I cheated on Rachel. And I realized the reason things have never felt right with her. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out, but I’ve spent a lot of time soul-searching the past few weeks, and thinking about my past and some of the… some of the other men I’ve known, and… this is who I am.”

His parents were looking at each other, having a silent conversation with their eyes. The other thing Patrick had thought a lot about over the past few weeks was whether his parents were homophobic. He didn’t think so — he knew they were good people — but the fear of rejection clawed at his throat as he sat and waited for them to react.

The first thing that happened was that his mother reached for his hand. “Oh, sweetheart. First of all, know that we love you.” She looked up at Clint, who nodded. “And second of all, this must be very difficult and very confusing, so know that we’re here for you.”

“This man you mentioned, are you… still seeing him?” Clint asked.

Patrick looked down at the table. “No.” He wished he could say yes. He still thought about David every day.

“Rachel knows?” Marcy asked.

He nodded. “I told her everything.”

“Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with this alone. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have been pushing you to patch things up.”

“Yeah, you did that a lot over the years,” Patrick said, and then immediately regretted it as Marcy’s face fell. “But you didn’t know. How could you? I didn’t even know.” He stood up, anxious to put an end to this conversation. The best thing he could probably do at this point was to give his parents a little while to process. “I’m going to be late for my first appointment, but I’ll be back later, okay?”

“Oh!” Marcy looked at the clock. “What about breakfast?”

“Sorry, I’ll grab something later,” Patrick said, and then found himself pulled into a hug by his mother before he quite knew what was happening.

“We love you so much, sweet boy,” she said. “That will never change, you hear me?”

Patrick nodded. He felt his father’s hand, a comforting weight on his shoulder, and Patrick sagged with relief. He’d told them. He’d come out, and his parents had taken it pretty well.

Once he was sitting in his car, he pulled out his phone and sent Rachel a text.

I came out to my parents. You don’t have to keep it a secret anymore if you don’t want to.

The receipt appeared, indicating she’d read the text, but she didn’t respond. Not that he deserved a response from Rachel — it was enough to know that the message was delivered.

He then switched over to a text chain with Stevie. Her deadpan jokes and the occasional stupid meme she’d send him had been getting him through the last few weeks.

I told my parents I’m gay, he wrote. It was getting a little easier each time he said it. She didn’t respond immediately, so Patrick put his phone in the cup holder and started his car, backing out of the driveway to drive to a block of apartments on the other side of town. When he arrived, there was a message waiting from Stevie.

how’d it go?

[Patrick] Not bad, considering.

[Stevie] i’m proud of u 🌈

Smiling for the first time days, Patrick got out of the car and walked up to the apartment building with a bit of a spring in his step.

~*~

David winced as he walked into the club, the thumping techno beat and strobing lights already giving him a headache before the night had even started. Attractive men and women filled the dancefloor and clustered around the bar, an orgy of attempted human connection. Immediately regretting his decision to leave his apartment, David made his way to the bar and ordered a martini, the most efficient vehicle for feeding alcohol into his bloodstream short of an IV. While he waited, he looked around the room, automatically cataloging the designer clothes on display. Seeing a few interesting pieces that he didn’t recognize, David made a mental note to do some serious shopping soon. His hibernation meant he’d fallen out of the loop on a number of fronts, and fashion was foremost among them. He nodded to himself; a day of shopping on Fifth Avenue was perhaps just what he needed to shake himself out of this funk. His drink arrived, and he handed over his credit card, telling the bartender to open a tab, before he set off toward the back of the club.

“David, darling!” A tall woman in a black jumpsuit was waving him over to one of the large roped-off booths. “I told you I could get him to emerge at last.”

He went where he was being summoned, giving her a tiny wave. “I can never pass up an invitation from you, Diana.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve passed up a few, David, but I suppose I’ll forgive you. What have you been up to this season?”

“Just taking some time for me, you know?” He didn’t have to tell her that ‘me’ time was bingeing on Netflix and junk food and sleeping ten hours a day.

David fell into the rhythm of meaningless patter that this crowd of people required: name drops and salacious gossip and loudly proclaimed, buzzword-filled opinions about art or books or film. He bought rounds of drinks for the group, more rounds than anyone else paid for, because he was David Rose and that’s what David Rose did. That was why he was invited to things, he suspected. Not because any of these people gave a damn whether he lived or died.

“David!”

He knew the voice before he even turned around, the raspy scrape of it was like a sharp stick between his shoulder blades.

“Sebastian,” he said, trying to keep his own voice even and unaffected by the presence of his ex. “I didn’t know you were in New York.”

“I wasn’t until recently. Vanity Fair hired me to photograph Jack Dorsey’s spiritual awakening in Tibet, so I was out there for a while. Really beautiful, haunting stuff,” Sebastian said as he plucked an olive out of David’s drink and put it in his own mouth.

David narrowed his eyes. “Can a person have a spiritual awakening when it’s being documented for Vanity Fair, though?”

“How are you? People are saying you might close the gallery.”

David’s mouth dropped open. “I’m not closing the gallery,” he said. Surely the fact that his father’s business manager had advised him to do exactly that couldn’t be public knowledge.

“Okay, good.” Sebastian put an arm around him in a possessive move that made David cringe. “You know how these rumors get started. Must be because it’s been closed a lot lately? That’s what I heard. And that you haven’t hosted an opening in a while.”

Sebastian Raine may have only been back in town for a short time, but apparently it was enough time to collect a whole set of sharp darts for him to throw straight and true into the heart of David’s insecurities.

“Can I get you another drink? Sebastian asked.

David looked down at his mostly-full glass. “No, I’m good.”

He thought about Patrick suddenly, and how refreshing it had been to talk to someone whose every remark wasn’t calculated to cut him down and play on his weaknesses, or to just get him wasted. The gnawing empty hole in his heart that he’d been living with for weeks widened a tiny fraction.

“I spent a lot of my time in Tibet just, feeding my soul, you know?”

“Mm hmm,” David said.

“It made me see a lot of the things that happened in the past in a new light. Us, for example. I want you to know that I care about what happened between you and me. And while my therapist said I should never feel sorrow, I do appreciate your pain.”

“I’m not feeling any pain about the past, Sebastian,” David said. “Not anymore.” Not about you.

“That’s good, David, that’s so good.” He felt Sebastian’s hand slide down his back. “It really frees you to… pursue your desires without baggage.”

David almost laughed. Sebastian’s attempt at seduction was so obvious, and it made him wonder if he had always been this stupidly transparent. What exactly had he seen in this self-important douchebag?

Nodding, David took a large step away from Sebastian, shaking off his arm. “It really does. It makes a lot of things very clear.” Looking around at the other people whose drinks he’d been buying all night, David frowned. What am I doing here?

“Diana? I’m gonna head out,” he called.

“Oh, David, the night is so young!” she said with a fake pout, but then someone else lured her attention and she appeared to immediately forget he existed.

“Can I walk you home?” Sebastian asked.

“Nope.” David said as he pulled on his leather jacket. “I’m good.”

The look of confused disappointment on Sebastian’s face would keep David warm for weeks, he thought as he went over to the bar to close out his tab, a half-smile on his face. Traversing the few blocks back to his apartment, David held his head higher than he had in months.

As he unlocked his apartment door, his phone buzzed with an incoming call. Dad, it said on the screen. Why on earth would his father be calling him at midnight, he thought with annoyance, answering the phone.

“Hi, what?” David dropped his keys into a bowl on the table in the foyer and began shrugging out of his jacket.

There was a pause. “David, are you at your apartment?”

His father’s voice sounded weird. “Yeah, I just got home, why?” He could hear what he thought was his mother in the background, but it was almost like a whimpering, keening noise. Then it faded, like his father was moving farther away from her. “What’s wrong with Mom now?” David asked, figuring she’d failed to get cast in a role she wanted, or that the cleaners had ruined one of her favorite outfits.

“David, can you sit down? I need you to be… I need you to sit down.”

David stood in the middle of the living room, looking out the dark windows of his apartment. “I am sitting down,” he lied. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“It’s Alexis.” He swallowed so loudly that the phone picked up the sound. “David, she…”

“Oh my God, spit it out!” David’s pulse had started to race. Surely she was fine, though, right? She was fine. She was always fine.

“She was on a yacht with some friends, and… they don’t know how it happened, but she fell overboard and no one realized it. It was dark, I guess, and people were drunk…”

David’s vision started to narrow, whiteness filling his periphery. “Is she…?”

“She drowned, David. Alexis… she drowned.”

His body was breaking out in a cold sweat. It felt like a sudden onset of the flu. Or like he’d felt when he was thirteen and had broken his nose, the blood pouring down onto his white T-shirt.

“David, did you hear what I said?” His father’s voice sounded like it was coming to him from the bottom of a well.

“What do you mean, she drowned? Are they sure, or can they just not find her?”

“They found her.”

Her body, that’s what he wasn’t saying. They found her body.

David sagged, catching himself with a hand gripping the back of the sofa. His eyes followed the zig zagging pattern on the rug under his feet. back and forth and back and forth and....

“David?” Johnny said softly. “Are you there?”

“I think I might be sick,” David whispered.

“Okay. That’s okay, son.”

Still holding the phone to his ear, David stumbled into the bathroom and leaned over the sink. He knew it would be better to kneel down next to the toilet, but he felt like if he got down on the floor he might just never get up again. “What do we do?” he asked his father.

“We have to arrange to have her…” Johnny paused and cleared his throat. “We have to have her body flown back to the States, so I’ve been on the phone with the U.S. consulate in Mexico, and also with the airline—” Johnny seemed to lose his voice on the last word, like he’d suddenly been sealed under a bell jar. David looked up at his face in the mirror. His stubble stood out harshly against his over-pale face, the mole on his chin that he’d nicked shaving dozens of times even more noticeable than usual.

“Is Mom…?” David asked.

“She’s taken a sleeping pill.”

“I’ll come up there… now. I’ll come up there now.”

“I can send a limo to get you,” Johnny said.

David considered refusing that offer, but he imagined getting on a train and just the thought brought him closer to vomiting. “Okay.”

He hung up the phone without saying goodbye, setting it carefully on the vanity before finally sliding to the floor.

~*~

“Stevie?” Patrick said into the phone. “I’ve literally never seen you use a phone as a phone, what’s wrong?”

“Remember when you told me to google that guy? David Rose, right?”

Patrick’s eyebrows shot up, and he paused midway through pouring himself a cup of coffee from the office coffee pot. “Yeah?”

“To be honest, I forgot immediately and never did it. But I just saw something online, and… this is the David Rose whose sister is Alexis Rose, right? The socialite?”

She said that like he should have heard of Alexis outside of meeting her, but he never had. “Yeah, his sister is named Alexis.”

“It’s all over twitter. Patrick, she died in a boating accident.”

Chapter 9

.......

I know, guys. I know. Just repeat to yourself that this universe is wrong, and please don't yell at me too much!

The Time We Lost

A year. It took a year for her memories to return, and even longer for him to. Her heart ached when she’d returned alone again, watching the sunset anxiously, begging whatever god there was to bring them home safe. To bring them back to her. The hours alone were torturous, and Mickey Donald and Goofy stood vigil behind her, waiting to learn whether or not their friends had survived. Hours had passed, and the sun began to set. A cold breeze passing, causing goosebumps to rise on her skin. She felt her heart begin to break when she realized they hadn’t made it, and her lip started quivering, biting back the lump that rose in her throat. Two lights blinked into existence, and she blinked away the tears brimming in her eyes in confusion. It was far too early for stars to appear. She watched as they fell from the sky, and she quickly realized those were no stars. There was a familiar tug at her heart as she recognized that spiky hair that only one person could have. It was Sora, and Riku was beside him. “Sora! Riku!” She cried with joy, running to the edge of where the waves met the beach, watching as they hit the water, and she winced, she couldn’t imagine that was painless. After a moment their heads popped out in the water, and she waved her hand, yelling their names with the brightest smile on her face, fighting back tears of joy. She watched their faces light up at the sight of her-her! They were excited to see her, she couldn’t believe it. It felt too long the time it took for them to swim over to where they could walk. Before Sora could reach her, Donald and Goofy raced past her, and she couldn’t help but laugh softly at their reunion. Those three were so close, she knew how it must feel, she was feeling the relief and joy in her own heart as well. Mickey ran out to Riku, and she watched as he spun the king around before tossing him in the air, Riku’s smile had never seemed so sweet. Then, oh then it was her turn for Sora to look at. His usual cheerfulness turned into something else, something softer, more intimate. She reached her hand out to him, her eyes bright with joy and love. He looked up at her, and grinned, his beautiful blue eyes that even the sky would be jealous of met her own. “I’m back!” His voice was music to her ears,  having spent so long without hearing it. Her smile softened, and she nodded. “You’re home.”

They stared at each other, taking a moment for it to sink in That this was real, that they were really together. He reached out and clasped his hand to hers, and her smile brightened when she felt her lucky charm in between their hands. He remembered, he kept his promise. Though the Wayfinder wasn’t her lucky charm, he was. It took her by surprise when he rushed forward, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her close to him, his head resting over her right shoulder. After the initial shock wore off, she wrapped her arms around him as well, feeling him shake in her arms, and feeling wet tears hit her shoulder. “I-I thought I’d never see you again,” she held him tightly, burying her face into his shoulder as she tried not to cry at his words. “K-Kairi, I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I never meant-“ A splash in the water cut Sora off, and she looked up to see Riku had fallen back into the water, a hiss escaping his lips. Blood swirled around him, and she immediately let go of Sora, sprinting to his side and looping his arm over her shoulders, a sniffling Sora doing the same on his other side. They lifted him up and brought him to the waterfall, taking his vest off and soaking it with water. How did he get this injury? He didn’t have it before she left. How long has he been bleeding? How was she gonna heal this? She forced the questions to the back of her mind, and looked up at Riku, panting and grunting as he looked up at her, giving her a small nod. She returned the nod, and gently placed the vest over his side, causing him to scream out in pain. The scream tore her heart to pieces, and she bit her lip as she tried to clean it as gently as she could, small hisses of pain escaping him as he bit down on his knuckle to silence himself. She cleaned away most of the salt and blood, and Donald came rushing over, holding his staff over Riku and yelled “curaga!” She watched in awe as his wound healed, leaving behind a pale scar. How many scars covered their bodies after their journey? How many scars covered hers? Riku’s breathing slowed and became steady, the pain in his face relaxing into a look of exhaustion. “Do you want me to take you home?” She asked softly, handing the wet and bloodied vest to Sora. Riku’s eyes widened, and Sora stiffened beside her. She knew exactly what they were feeling. How could they go home after all they’d been through? How could they just go back and pretend it never happened. Riku shook his head, and Goofy took Riku’s vest from Sora to wring it out over the plants. Sora sunk to the ground, his eyes tired, and dull compared to how they were before, and slightly red from crying. “How.. how am I gonna go home? It’s been over a year...” Sora asked quietly. Over all the years she’d known Sora, she’d never heard him sound so broken before, so lifeless. “Before we left, my mom called me down to dinner. Oh god she didn’t know where I was, what had happened. What if she hates me? What if she kicks me out? What if-what if she!” Sora broke down into sobs, and Kairi was at a loss for words. Riku wasn’t much better, but he didn’t cry. His eyes were blank and full of regret and remorse, and she never wanted so badly to see that arrogant look in his eyes so badly. “I.. I didn’t care about them at all.. I was ready to leave them behind, all for the chance to see another world. How, how can I face them again? How can I.. how can I ask them to forgive me?” His voice broke at the end, and she grabbed both of their hands, pulling them both close so she could throw her arms over their shoulders, hugging them tightly. Riku tensed for a moment, and Sora’s cries faltered for a moment before melting into the embrace, both of them wrapping an arm around her waist and back, pulling her closer to them. They stayed like that for a while, holding each other while Sora sobbed, Riku silently cried, and Kairi trying her hardest to be the strong one. Out of all of them, she’d had it the easiest, and she was the one who could offer them some solace, some form of sanctuary. “You don’t have to go home,” she broke the silence after Sora’s sobs had quietened, her voice soft. “There’s always the spare rooms in the manor, no one ever goes in them so you guys won’t get found out.” After a few minutes of silence, Sora nodded, tightening his grip around them as he buried his face into her shoulder. Riku relaxed a little at her offer, the tension leaving him a bit. “Y-yeah, that would be great,” Riku answered, she knew Sora was too emotional to speak at the moment. The King tapped on her shoulder, and she looked back at him, watching him and the others smile sadly. “We’d love to stay, but we gotta get back to our own world.” Sora and Riku looked up at that, their eyes so full of pain and heartbreak that it broke her heart as well. She couldn’t help but wonder if they’d ever look at her like that, but then again, she didn’t want that painful look in their eyes to be aimed at her, so she shoved the thought away. Riku pulled away first, wiping his eyes with his wrap before kneeling down in front of Mickey. “Thank you, for everything Mickey.” Mickey smiled, and looked down at his hand, gently placing his hands over it, and she watched as a soft green light appeared around it. Riku took off the wrap, and stretched his wrist and hand, staring at it with a speechless awe. “You’re welcome Riku, it was no trouble at all.” Sora let go of her next, and she suddenly felt cold without them there. He took a few steps towards his two companions and collapsed onto the ground, falling into a group hug. She couldn’t help but feel as though hers paled in comparison, and forced a small smile on her face, pushing back the feeling of worthlessness away. “We’ll be back before you know it,” Goofy assured Sora. “You can’t get rid of us that easily!” Donald added. Sora sniffed and nodded, a smile appearing on his face. “Right! After all,” he moved back, and she watched as he stuck his hand out, the two immediately placing theirs on top of his. “All for one!” He began. “And one for all!” She felt a dull ache in her heart, and a lump formed in her throat again. They seemed so close, and they seemed even closer than then her, Sora and Riku did. She couldn’t help but envy their closeness, but forced that feeling away too. By the time the five of them said their goodbyes, it was nightfall, and Kairi had long since left them to give them some privacy, staring out into the ocean. Her heart hurt, it ached with loneliness and pain. She’d spent so long waiting, so long not knowing if they were okay, if they were alive, if they cared. It all had built up over the years, and what had occurred during her kidnapping and imprisonment had only added onto that pain. She wanted to talk to them, to cry about what she’d went through, but she knew her pain paled in comparison to theirs. Sora had given up his heart, his life to save her, and she’d done nothing to repay him for it. He’d faced a year of fighting, a year she knew nothing about. She didn’t know what had happened, what he’d seen, what he’d done. He’d grown up without her, and she felt like she was looking at someone who was her Sora, but someone else as well. Riku had given up his entire being to try and save her, and he’d lost his body, his heart to try and save her. He’d forced his way back to protect her, and she still had no idea how he was alive. He’d spent a year alone, without her and without Sora. He’d changed since then, he’d turned into Ansem, she didn’t know how long he’d been that way, or why he’d turned out that way. Then there was her.. for the first journey she’d spent the entire time without her heart and ended up at the islands, safe. Then she just had to get kidnapped, putting more stress on Sora and Riku, she wondered why they still looked so happy to see her when she’d been nothing but a burden on them both, that she’d done nothing but cause them trouble and harm. What could she complain about? She felt guilty for forgetting Sora, she felt weak for getting kidnapped and tortured. How could they want to stay with her when she couldn’t even protect herself? The sun had long since set by the time she’d snapped out of her pity party, and she wondered if they’d forgotten her and decided to go off somewhere.. What if they went with the King and the others? What if they decided they didn’t want to stay here on the islands, what if they decided she wasn’t worth it after it all? What if they resented her for always causing them trouble? She chewed her lip as anxiety and loneliness filled her. Surely they’d say goodbye wouldn’t they? Then again, why would they? They didn’t owe her anything, they didn’t have to do anything. She wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t care or want to be her friend after all they’d been through. She pulled out the charm Sora had given back to her, tracing a finger gently over the face she’d drawn. She wondered if Sora realized it was him. It had been so long since she’d seen it, she’d wondered if she’d imagined making it and giving it to someone when she’d forgotten. There were drawings all over her work and walls about the charm, and she’d drawn it exactly like it was made. A soft, sad smile graced her lips as she traced the smile on it, and she felt a tear fall from her eye. The sound of footsteps came from behind her, and she blinked away the other tears, pocketing the charm into the pouch at her side before turning around with a small smile. “I thought you two might have gone with them,” she said, watching as the two smiled back at her. She was so unworthy of those smiles. “And leave you behind? Nah, we couldn’t do that.” Sora grinned, meeting her eyes. She sucked in a breath, hoping the two hadn’t noticed her reaction, and thankfully it seemed they didn’t. “I don’t know how we’re gonna get back, my boat isn’t here, and our old ones are too small for you now.” Riku smiled, holding his hand out to her. “I can warp us to the mainland, then to your place, right?” She nodded, looking over into Riku’s teal eyes and took ahold of his hand. It was rougher than  she remembered, and far bigger too, his hand swamped hers. He’d grown up too, just like Sora did. Sora placed his hand over Kairi’s, and warmth spread from her hand to her shoulder from that single form of contact. A moment later and they were on the other side of the ocean, though it felt like they hadn’t moved an inch. “That’s gotta be handy, you should teach me sometime.” Sora grinned, moving his hand away from hers. Her arm felt cold, and Riku dropped his hand as well, the two beginning to walk up the hill to her house. “Maybe, it’s useful in a fight. I’m not sure if you could do it though.” They both ended up talking about the pros and cons of using it, Sora trying to convince Riku to teach him while Riku smiled softly and teased him a bit. She walked behind them both, staying a few feet back as they walked, it didn’t feel right to stand next to them, she felt too distant from them now. They both were battle worn, she could see small white scars along Sora’s calves and longer ones skin Riku’s, practically glowing in the moonlight. She looked down at her own skin, thankful her scars were camouflaged with her pale skin. They were nearly back to the house when Sora looked to his other side, and she watched as confusion, and, panic? covered his face. He turned back to Riku, looking distressed, when he saw her behind them, and she watched as the tension dissolved into relief. He stopped walking, and Riku and Kairi stopped as well, both of the boys looking back at her. “Why’re you do far away? You weren’t hurt in any of the fights were you?!” Sora immediately rushed over, and a surge of panic filled her, not wanting him to see the scars that covered her from her torture while imprisoned by the Organization. He’d worried enough, he shouldn’t have to worry any more. To her dismay, his eyes filled with worry, and she felt guilty for causing him to worry, again. Riku looked at her with concern as well, though didn’t make any move towards her. “Kairi?” Sora asked softly. She bit back a cry at the tenderness in his voice, but couldn’t stop the pain and guilt and sorrow from flickering across her face. “Kairi, are you hurt?” Riku asked, his brow furrowed as he took a step towards her. She shook her head quickly, taking a step back. Riku took another step forward, and she tried to keep moving back but his strides were longer, and he reached her quicker than she could back away. He hesitated grabbing onto her shoulder, and she took that chance to dart under his arm, walking ahead of them. “I’m fine! Don’t worry about me, let’s get you two to a bed and get some rest okay? You two must be tired.” She didn’t have to turn around to see the concerned and worried looks of her two best friends, did she have a right to call them that anymore? She could feel their eyes on her, and they followed silently behind her. There was no one home when she opened the door to her house, and her eyes saddened when she saw the house. It was exactly as she left it, vacant of people, too clean to tell anyone lived there. Over the past year she’d distance herself from everyone, and her parents were busy with political business on other islands, leaving her alone for most of the year. It seemed they hadn’t been back at all since she was kidnapped, she wondered if they even knew she was gone. Riku and Sora looked around as she slowly led them upstairs, knowing it was taking a while to adjust being back and that they’d want to look around. When they got upstairs, she led them to two rooms, opening the doors for them. “Here you go, right next to each other.” Sora and Riku looked into the dark rooms, and she watched as a traumatized look filled both of their eyes. She immediately shut the doors, leading them down the hall to another room. Flipping the switch as she walked in, she smiled, pulling them inside as she walked over to her dresser, pulling out a long sleeved shirt and pajama pants. The room was rather clean, save for a desk covered in papers and drawings. Christmas lights covered the walls, and she plugged them in, lighting up the room in a soft light. “Is this your room?” Riku asked. She nodded, and Riku and Sora both opened their mouths to protest, but she was already to the door. “It’s okay, this is the only room with night lights, you guys can decide sleeping arrangements, if you need me, I’ll be down the hall. Night guys!” She shut the door before they could stop her, and she took in a deep breath, slowly walking to the room down the hall and turning on the light. She looked at the mirror in the corner, and set her pajamas on the dresser next to it. Unzipping her dress, she tossed it on the floor, pulling her tank top off and taking off her shoes and socks. She braced herself, and looked at herself in the mirror, her eyes saddening as she looked at her damaged form. Scratches covered her legs from fighting the heartless, but those would soon heal. Large bruises covered her stomach and sides, blows she hadn’t been able to dodge from when Saïx had sent a berserker to attack her. She’d been lucky he healed her a bit with every blow, otherwise she probably be dead. She turned around to look at her back; seeing more bruises and cuts from Luxord’s cards and Saïx’s own blows. All of the Organization members had taken their own time torturing her, even Xemnas himself. She could still feel Xigbar’s hand covering her mouth from when he was tricking Sora with Riku, making him think he was Ansem. She could feel where Luxord’s cards had cut into her arms and fingers from when she lost a bet or made a wrong move. Her lungs still burned from inhaling water, though Demyx seemed reluctant to do it, only holding her in the prison of water for a minute or two before releasing her. Xaldin had thrown her across her cell with his wind, and she’d ended up breaking a rib and her arm before he healed it. Saïx had verbally abused her, and his words still echoed in her head. “Worthless,” “helpless,” “burden,” “unworthy,” “weak.” The worst part was, they were all true. Xemnas himself even came, striking her with a strange mix of dark tendrils and lightning, those wounds he’d leave for a day or two before sending someone to heal her. She felt herself grow nauseous as she looked at her wounded body, and she quickly changed out of what she was wearing and into her pajamas. She thought about checking on Sora and Riku, but figured they were fast asleep, and so she got up and turned off the light, freezing when she looked at the dark room. Fear wracked her heart as she stood still by the door, not wanting to take a step further. She was scared of the dark, that’s why she slept with Christmas lights, but Sora and Riku needed them too, and she couldn’t just make them sleep in a room they’re scared in. Come on Kairi, suck it up, they’ve got a reason to be scared, you don’t. She thought to herself, taking in a deep breath before slowly walking forward, trying to find the bed. Her heart raced with fear, and when she reached the bed she dove under the covers, shaking as she shut her eyes. Sleep didn’t come to her, and she spent what felt like eternity in the dark. She stilled at the sound of the doorknob turning, and to her dismay a small whimper escaped her as the door opened, scared and helpless to whatever was coming into her room. Footsteps could softly be heard going to her bed, and she curled up into a ball under the covers, afraid it was the Organization or someone else to take her away. “Kairi? Are you awake?” Sora’s voice asked, concern replacing his usually cheerful tone. At the sound of his voice she felt a tug at her heart, and she nodded sitting up and moving her head out from the covers. “I’m awake,” she said softly, looking up at the two of them. “Mind if i turn on the light?” Riku asked, and she could tell he was nervous in the dark. “Go for it,” she answered. He nodded, and she shut her eyes when the lights turned on, letting them adjust for a moment before opening them. Sora hadn’t been so lucky, and he was squeezing his eyes shut, covering them while groaning. “Ow, that hurt.” She couldn’t help but laugh at that, and Sora looked up with a grin. “There’s that laugh, I was wondering if I’d ever hear it again.” Riku nodded, and they both sat down on the edge of the bed. “Kairi, are you okay? Did something happen in The World That Never Was?” A lot happened.. but nothing you two need to worry about, she thought to herself, looking down at the blankets. She shook her head, not meeting their eyes. “No, I’m fine,” she said quietly. She knew they were exchanging worried glances, but she wished they’d just give it a rest. She’d caused them enough trouble over the years, they shouldn’t have to worry about her any more. “Kairi.. something’s bothering you, and we want to help. Please, tell us what’s wrong?” She bit her lip, shaking her head as she felt tears start to brim her eyes. She didn’t deserve their worry, their concern. She didn’t deserve any of it. “Kairi...” Sora slid over so he was sitting next to her against the pillows, and wrapped an arm around her, his hand resting at her waist as he pulled her closer. A sharp cry escaped her as he put pressure against her bruises, and Sora immediately let go, Riku rushing to her other side. “Kairi what’s wrong? What’s hurting?” She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, biting back the tears that brimmed her eyes, threatening to fall. Sora gently took her hand, and Riku slowly took her other hand, and she looked up, seeing them both watch her, eyes filled with worry, their shoulders tense. “Kairi, you have to tell us what’s wrong. We need to heal you,” the begging tone in Riku’s voice and the tears forming in Sora’s broke her, and she shakily took a breath as she moved to stand. Thinking she was trying to get away; they didn’t let go of her hands. “I’m getting up to show you..” she said softly, and they let go, though Riku warped to the doorway just in case. She moved off of the bed, wincing as the movement made sharp pains spread across her sides. She took a deep breath, and stood to her feet, lifting up her shirt to the bottom of her chest so they could see. At their gasps she closed her eyes, and Sora rushed to her side. “Who.. who did this to you?” His voice shook, with heartbreak, anger, and guilt. Why was he feeling guilty? This wasn’t his fault. “...all of them..” she whispered. A soft cry escaped Sora’s lips, and She felt Riku tense behind her. “I’m sorry.. I was too late..” Riku’s voice was filled with guilt, and she opened her eyes, watching them both head over to her, green magic surrounding her entire form. Immediately the pain vanished, and she sighed blissfully, letting her shirt fall back down. She looked over at the two boys, and they were both staring at her with a far away, painful look. It was such a sad, tender look that she had to look away, only looking back when they took ahold of her hands again, Sora gently rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. “I’m sorry,” they both said, and she looked at them in shock. “Why are you sorry? You guys didn’t do anything wrong.” It was her fault for everything, none of this was theirs. Sora shook his head, gripping her hand tightly, though not tight enough to hurt her. “It’s my fault you were kidnapped Kairi, they knew.. they knew you were important to me, and they took you away. They.. they did this to you, all because of me! I should have been there, I should have gotten to you sooner, I was so close Kairi. I was so close to seeing you again in Twilight Town. I missed you by minutes. If I’d been quicker, if I’d only gotten there just a few minutes sooner..” He lowered her gaze from her eyes to her hand, gently running his thumb over her hand. His hand was so warm, and it had callouses from wielding his Keyblade. His hands shouldn’t be this rough, though despite the rough texture of his thumb, his touch was so gentle, so careful, as though she were made of porcelain. “Kairi,” his voice softened, quieting to nearly a whisper. “I left you alone for a year, a year Kairi. I had promised you I’d come back to you, but it took a year. You were all alone, both of you were.. I’m sorry Kairi.. I never should have left you alone.” Her brow furrowed in confusion, unable to understand why he was apologizing. This wasn’t his fault, and she shook her head, giving his hand a squeeze. “Sora this wasn’t your fault, it’s mine.” He looked up at her, shock painting his face, and even Riku gave her a perplexed look. “I was too weak to get away, I couldn’t fight back. I tried, but when I got away from Axel Saïx caught me, and I couldn’t fight back! For months I was locked in that stupid cell and I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t fight, I couldn’t protect myself at all. I should be apologizing to you, you had to come and rescue me. They manipulated you using me as leverage, I just made your journey harder than it already was. I’m sorry Sora.. I’m sorry I keep worrying you and that I keep getting in the way...” His eyes widened, and he shook her head, taking a step closer and holding onto her hand tightly. “Kairi you never got in the way, when I said that I was trying to keep you safe, I.. I couldn’t bear it if you got hurt again. It’s not your fault you got kidnapped, you weren’t used to fighting, and I know how strong they were, they were tough to beat. Kairi when you got your Keyblade you fought so well, i was so proud, even though I was worried because I didn’t want you to get hurt.. but I guess that had already happened..” Riku squeezed her hand as well, and she looked down at him as he fell to his knees, clasping his hands around hers. Her hand was so small in his, when did his hands get so big? “Kairi I’m sorry. I could have come home, but I was afraid. I was ashamed of of who I’d become, I-i didn’t want you both to see me as I was. I tried saving you when Lea came, I knew Sora was going to Twilight Town. I thought you’d be safe, I should have stayed with you, I should have stopped him but I didn’t! I tried to find you, but when I found you, Kairi you were so pale when I found you, you could barely stand. I hated what they did to you, if I hadn’t opened the door back in Destiny Islands none of this would have happened. Because of me you lost your heart and Sora gave up his and Kairi Ansem nearly killed you. If it weren’t for me you’d both be safe. I’m sorry Kairi, I’m so sorry.” Why were they both apologizing? Why, why weren’t they both blaming her? She deserved to be blamed she didn’t have a right for them to be apologizing. “Sora I forgot you, for an entire year I forgot you.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, and Sora’s head snapped to look at her. “I couldn’t remember your name, your face, anything. For a year, I couldn’t remember my best friend, and when I did I was used against you, I was-I was.” Tears started to spill down her face, and Sora immediately wrapped his arms around her, and she held onto the back of his jacket with one hand, her other still in Riku’s. “S-Sora I thought you’d h-h-hate me,” her voice shook as she cried, shaking from the force of her sobs. “Y-you gave up your h-heart f-f-for me, you died because of me! And I did nothing! I c-couldn’t, I couldn’t save you!” She let out a wail, and he hugged her tighter, rubbing small circles on her back. “R-Riku, you fell into the d-d-darkness because of m-me!” Riku stood up and hugged her as well, wrapping his arms around Sora, his lips pressed gently on the top of her head. “Y-you and S-Sora had to s-save me all over again! I-I’m nothing but a damsel and I keep causing you two more trouble! T-they wanted to m-make you angry, so they kept hurting me. W-why don’t you both hate me?” She shook in their arms, squeezing her eyes shut and cried loudly, her heart aching with guilt and pain. She felt them shaking too, and she felt a few tears fall onto her shoulder and head. Their arms tightened around her, pulling her even closer to them. “Kairi we could never hate you!” Sora shook his head, sniffling. “None of this was your fault, none of it!” “Kairi we left you alone, we failed as your best friends to be there when you needed us the most. You had to go a year alone, I can’t imagine how it would be to be in Destiny Islands alone and being the only one who knew what happened. Kairi we’re sorry, none of this was your doing. It’s not your fault the Organization did this to you and we don’t hate you. We love you Kai, you’re our best friend.” They didn’t hate her? They weren’t mad at her and didn’t blame her? It seemed too good to be true, and she cried even harder, holding onto Sora tightly while Riku gently stroked her hair, Sora rubbing small circles on her back. The movements made her slowly calm down, and she started sniffling, her shaking turning into small trembles. “I-I Love you both too.” Sora pulled away from her and cupped her face with his hands, smiling at his tear stained face and puffy red eyes. He gently wiped her tears away with his thumbs, drying her cheeks. His touch was so gentle, and she relaxed under his touch, Riku kissing the top of her head softly. She realized how tired she was, exhausted from crying and fighting. “I-I guess I should go to bed.” She said softly, taking in a deep shaky breath. She looked up at Riku as he frowned, looking around the room. “Are you really okay sleeping here? Be honest, we’re your friends. We care about you.” She sighed and shook her head, wiping some remaining tears from her eyes. “No, I’m.. im scared of the dark.” Riku sighed, and gave Sora a nudge. He let go of Kairi, and Riku scooped Kairi into his arms. She yelped and held onto the front of his shirt, and he pulled her closer to her, turning and leading her and Sora to her room. “W-wait Riku it’s okay I’ll be fine. I really don’t mind- “Well we do Kairi, we don’t want you to be scared. Its not okay, you’re giving up your room for us.” They entered her room, and she relaxed at the sights of the lights gently illuminating the room in pinks and oranges and yellows. A soft sigh of relief sounded from Riku, and she knew he’d felt her relax in his arms. He gently set her down on the soft mattress after Sora pulled back the comforter and fluffy blanket that rested underneath it. Confusion covered her face when she realized that they hadn’t touched the bed since she left. “You two didn’t try to sleep?” A guilty expression covered their faces as they shook their heads. Sighing, she moved to the middle of the bed, motioning for them to sit down on either side of her. Both of their faces gained a pinkish tint to it, and she couldn’t help but smile as they blushed. Sora got in bed on her left side, and Riku sat down on her right. Sora was blushing brightly as he lied down next to her, pulling the blankets over his stomach before resting his head back on the pillow. Riku wasn’t blushing as much, but he looked incredibly nervous and a tad uncomfortable at first before relaxing, he seemed so tired. After he lied down she did  well, pulling the blankets past her shoulders as she turned to face Riku, closing her eyes. A few minutes of awkward silence passed before she felt the mattress shift, and an arm wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her closer to Riku. It surprised her to look up at him and see a soft look in his eyes, though after a moment she relaxed and wrapped an arm over his stomach, resting her head on his shoulder, his hand resting on her shoulder as his arm stayed around her. He was warm, and she snuggled closer, pressing her body against his side. She’d been about to close her eyes when she felt Sora move closer to her. His arm snaking underneath her and his other arm over her waist, pulling himself closer to her and his chin resting on her shoulder next to Riku’s hand. His breath tickled her ear as he sighed happily, and she giggled as he nuzzled her, relaxing further into the mattress. Riku’s other hand gently held hers, their fingers intertwining. It was as though no time had passed since before the islands, all three of them together again, and she couldn’t be happier. Closing her eyes, she slowly drifted off to sleep, her two best friends safe, and with her once more.

Fresh (Reader ft. Scott Ryder)

A/N: Andromeda drabble to try and get back into writing... something. Waking up and seeing a friend again. Set after the end of the game.

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You knew what you had signed up for, but actually experiencing it was something different entirely.

You sat quietly watching the large flat screen with a looping info vid. So much had happened while you were still in cyro. It felt like you had overslept because you had overslept. The conflicts and complications upon coming to Andromeda left many people asleep during the first phase. Now that things had apparently settled, it was finally time to put down roots and get to work making Andromeda home.

While you had been staring at the screen for awhile, none of the information had really gone in. It was still… overwhelming. You had woken up a little over a week ago with some minor complications that left you doing some rehabilitation to shake off the last lingering effects of cryo. Basic military exercises and drills with others, just getting back into things.

Now you were waiting for some kind of news regarding reassignment. Someone had said that someone had requested visitation with you, but you weren’t sure of who that could have been. The only person you knew that had also come to Andromeda was someone that you had previously worked with, but they seemed like the kind of person who would be way too busy to deal with you now.

Waking up in Andromeda was lonely. There was no fighting that. You expected it—everyone did, but actually experiencing it was something else. It was a crushing kind of loneliness where there was absolutely no turning back. 

It wasn’t just a saying, it was a reality.

“Hey!”

You blinked and there was someone in front of you, crouching down to look up with a smile. A familiar face.

“C’mon, don’t give me that look. You’re making me feel bad for not coming to see you fresh out of cryo.”

Scott Ryder was the only other person you really knew coming to Andromeda. The both of you had been stationed at Arcturus Station and he was the reason you had applied for the Andromeda Initiative in the first place. His enthusiasm for seeking glory and his never-ending wanderlust had been infectious and even though he had only suggested and never pressured you to join the Initiative, you ended up doing so on your own terms.

“Scott!” You threw your arms around him in a tight hug, glad to see someone you knew. “I thought maybe you’d be too busy helping your sister to come see me. I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to see each other again or—”

Scott laughed, returning your hug with mirrored enthusiasm. “No way! Even if I were too late to catch you before reassignment, I would track you down to say ‘hi’. I did promise we’d see each other when we woke up.” He smelled fresh and felt warm. This was your first proper physical contact with someone in Andromeda. In a whole new galaxy. “Oh shit, you’re crying. Did you need me to get someone? It’s okay, it’s normal, I heard that have a whole clinic of people crying somewhere. It’s just some kind of coping mechanism. Don’t panic—”

“You’re the only one who’s panicking, Scott. I’m okay. I just—I really needed that hug.” You pulled away and dried your eyes as best as you could, letting the stray tears fall as you sniffled. “I dunno, waking up in Andromeda—I’m excited, but I’m scared. What’s happened? I missed so much and—”

Your friend laughed and gently placed his hands on your shoulders as an affectionate grounding action. “A lot has happened, but even more is happening now. We’ve only just started and you’re gonna be part of it.” Scott offered you a hand to help you stand. When you were on your feet he gave you a few pats on the back before slinging an arm around your shoulders. “Welcome to Andromeda. Welcome home—”

“No, stop it!” You wailed with a telltale stinging in your eyes, “I’m gonna cry again if you say that!”

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If things in Andromeda had ‘settled’ now, you hated to think how everyone felt when they first arrived. Things were an absolute mess. Despite several established outposts, there were still many outstanding tasks as well as a limitless number of potential projects—and this was only the Initiative focused projects. There were loads of other tasks to do with diplomacy and managing ongoing skirmishes with not only the threat of the Kett, but outlaws and rebel groups from both the Milky Way and Heleus.

There. Was. Just. So. Much. To. Do.

Every outpost had listings for personnel, but as far as you could tell the most popular was Prodromos on Eos. There were also administration and security jobs on the Nexus, but it didn’t seem as exciting as being stationed on a new planet.

“Did you pick what you’re applying for yet?” Scott leant over the back of your seat to read the datapad over your shoulder. He was due to leave for his post on Prodromos in a few hours. While he wasn’t technically a Pathfinder, his sister Sara—the human Pathfinder—had pretty much roped him to be part of her crew. You had only met Sara once or twice in your life since you were friends with Scott, so you couldn’t really recall what she was like.

All of Scott’s assignments either came from Sara or the Initiative, both which pretty much worked in tandem, but if there were any conflicts, then the Pathfinder’s orders took priority. As far as you knew, conflicts hadn’t happened yet, but it was interesting to hear that the Pathfinders role had developed to become almost like the new Spectres.

“I can’t figure out what I want to do.” You were conflicted as you pretty much felt like you could adapt to anything. You just wanted to be useful. There was a crazy amount of organisational and administration work that you could do, but there were also an innumerable amount of combat operations and specialised missions that you could have applied for as well. Your job on Arcturus Station had also been pretty varied, so you were used to being a jack-of-all-trades. “I thought maybe they’d assign me, but all of that’s changed. We have to have a preference first.”

You had been worrying for a few hours now over what to do and Scott hated to see you like this at the start of a brand new journey. You were meant to be excited! “Okay, how about this.” He reached around you with both arms to take the datapad out of your hands and place it down on the table. “I can probably ask Sara to pull a few strings and get you out to Prodromos with me.”

“Scott, you can’t bother your sister like that—”

“Hear me out; Prodromos has plenty of work in both administration and security and if I’m around I can help you get used to things.” It sounded like he had thought the idea through a little bit without telling you. “Plus it’ll be like back on Arcturus Station, just more exciting because we’ll have something better to look at than just a mass relay.” Scott moved to drop into a seat beside you. “C’moooon,” He elbowed you a few times with a goofy grin, “It’ll be fun if we get to run assignments together. Plus my sister has her own squad and I need to start my own—”

“Oh ho! So the real reason you want to ‘help’ me is revealed.” You chuckled and crossed your arms. “As much as I’d like to be assigned to the same outpost as you, the chances of that are slim. I heard a lot of people are being sent to the outposts on Kadara and Voeld in the recent lots. I’ll mostly likely be sent to either of those planets too.”

Scott stared at you for a moment. “Throughout that whole protest, I didn’t exactly hear a ‘no’—”

“Scott Ryder! Do not bother your sister about this.” You hadn’t met the human Pathfinder before and you were certain that she was very busy and didn’t have time to deal with her twin’s silly requests. You’d be fine anywhere and would be reassigned after a time anyway. It would be fine.

Your friend simply pursed his lips.

He was totally gonna bother Sara about it.

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Next chapter

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wish I could write about anything other than death

1. I downloaded a productivity program called Focus recently in an effort to spend less time playing Hearthstone and Magic Online. It's currently on a looped schedule so that I can't open those programs during the week. I was a little incredulous about about Focus at first, since I could just turn it off  or uninstall it if the temptation for distraction proved overwhelming, so philosophically there's no real difference between using Focus and just willpower. But I figured it was worth trying. And in practice, Focus has really helped. Not just the resolution of downloading the program and paying for it and in that small way committing to changing, or at least trying to change, but also just adding a couple clicks to opening these games I'm trying to avoid. Before, when I decided not to play Hearthstone for a couple days and get some work done, I'd often wake up and half-consciously open the program and then play for the next three hours. I'd press command + enter, then Spotlight would be open, and then I'd just need to type “ba” for Battle.net, and then Battle.net would be loading, and at that point it'd a waste of all that prior effort not to play at least one game. It's so easy to press command + enter, and it's how I open every other program as well. With Focus, now I have to open Focus and click to the schedule tab and click to disable the schedule, and only then open Battle.net, and that's a lot of extra clicks to wonder like, what am I even doing.

I'm considering disabling twitch.tv as well, which is my other primary distraction. But I sorta feel like if I did that, my loneliness of my current existence would be too crushing.

2. Relatedly, I've noticed that most of the time I have twitch.tv open, I'm not actually watching the stream. I tell myself I watch streams to learn the games I play from players better than me, and sometimes I am actually paying attention and learning, but most of the time the stream's just open because I'd rather listen to someone's voice rather than music. And like, more I listen to these voices, the easier it is to pretend they're my friends, especially since these voices are necessarily so relatable: anyone who's spent enough time playing games and streaming to have built an audience on twitch must have some serious loneliness and narcissism issues. And that observation's made me wonder how much of the average twitch audience is like me, just desperate to hear a sympathetic human voice on demand. I used to wonder what might motivate someone to spam emotes or spew racism in twitch chat, this literal abyss, but I'm pretty sure now that it's exactly what drives me to play Hearthstone for 14 hours straight.

3. I think like 70% of my celebrity crushes are lesbian, and literally 100% of them are lesbian or married. And that somehow feels ideal, like because I can't even pretend I'll ever realize my crushes, because my fantasies are on their surface antifactual, those fantasies are obviously and totally self-reflective, unencumbered by any attempt at realism. Realism sucks.

Anyway, this is to mention my latest celebrity crush: Julien Baker, whose music is fucking excellent.

4. I should wear earplugs at concerts more. I actually wore earplugs to the first two shows I went to, both Los Campesinos! at the Metro in Chicago, whose acoustics are muddy to begin with and whose soundsystem heaves of its own extinction. The earplugs on top of the venue rendered the music, already kinda noisy and countermelodic, indistinguishable, and midway through the second show I took the earplugs out in time for "Avocado, Baby" and being able to hear the music sold me on concerts since. That felt like a big moment at the time, and I've only magnified the decision's stature in my subsequent mythologizing.

I've always been obsessed with my own mortality and decay: as a kid, I made every effort to avoid hitting my head and when I did, I ran through my times tables and a prepared vocabulary list to revive the brain cells I had killed. I kept a running total of how many times I hit my head and when I hit a hundred around age seven I felt a stabbing guilt that I had forever ruined my chances of doing anything worth remembering, maybe even of being a productive member of society at all. I had no understanding of neurobiology or even biology, but I had some high fidelity sense that I was ruining myself each time I got hurt. When I first sprained my ankle, there went my chances of being an athlete too. And while I obviously grew up and learned, the desire to be perfect and die perfect still swam in my stomach. Taking out those earplugs was accepting that I would die broken, and to celebrate the breaking.

Still, the ringing in my ears is kinda annoying.

5. I sometimes wonder if I have some crippling deformity that other people can see but I can't. Like, if I have tumors and sores all over my body that my mind blocks out, or Black Hole-type tentacles and spikes and lesions. If when people see me, I don't register as human to them. Probably not, but how could I know? And like, the recoil when anyone ever makes eye contact with me.

6. Heading down some dark alley in my internal monologue, I'll think, "Maybe I really should kill myself." I never mean it, and if anything the statement is a period on that particular mental freefall. Like, whatever you're thinking about right now, it's not going to make you or anyone else any happier. The statement is a resolution against itself. All the same, I should probably stop thinking it.

7. I need to suppress this reflex I have to apologize.