“everything is going to be ‘alright’”

this is way too much for me to handle to be quite honest.. i really am not okay, i want to disappear and avoid social media and internet at all costs cause all i see is jonghyun, but i can’t. i have this huge knot in my stomach and i want to through up.

i’ve been crying all day from 6:30 am when i woke up, to 10:55 pm now. i really have not cried this much in my life and i really cannot process the fact i have this much tears to produce.

i would ask for people to stop reblogging cause i don’t want to see jjong on my dash, but that would hurt me as myself cause i want others to reblog and spread awareness, but i just don’t want to see it. every time i see his face or hear his name, i wheezes and my lungs tighten again. it’s bad enough i’m already in pain due to bt21 from saturday, it’s hard for me to breath for the past day, and now from crying all day my lungs hurt 10 times more.

i want to escape and get this off my mind but i genuinely can’t. he’s all over the internet and youtube isn’t helping me. my life will honestly never be the same, i’m not even jonghyun biased but this affected me more than anything else has in my entire life, even loss of my own family members. i won’t be the same ever again, and i don’t know how i’ll listen to shinee ever again to be honest. i don’t want to abandon my boys and i don’t plan too, i just....don’t know how i’ll listen to them. hearing his voice, hearing songs they covered heck let alone just hearing shinee will just trigger me and i’ll just bawl my eyes out. 

i was in sephora today with my friend today and right before we left they began to play last christmas by wham and all i pictured and heard was shinee’s cover from sm’s 2011 winter album “the warmest gift”and i began to lost it. i eventually told her since she saw my snaps from earlier and saw me cry like i never had (and let me tell you i’ve been best friends with her for 8 years already. we are 19 now), she asked what the fuck was going on so i told her and all she did was pray with all of us that he was alive, and she’s not even a fan of kpop.  everything just reminds me of shinee, i guess it’s because i’ve been a fan since debut, i literally joined the kpop fandom in 2008 when i was 10 years old. i knew of kpop before that and knew it was destiny cause i came across 2pm’s heartbeat on youtube but there was no title and i couldn’t figure out what it was, and once i discovered kpop and taught myself all the groups and all their names and came across 2pm i legit was the happiest being alive cause i found my home, kpop is my home, it might sound cliche but it’s true. i met so many friends and friends i consider family from kpop, i met people i despise with a burning passion cause of it, me and my sister got out parents into it.  i don’t want this to be taken the wrong way by anyone, i just wanted you all to know even though it’s unlikely anyone will see this since i only have 44 followers and no friends, that this affected me more than i really did expect. also a shawol took their life today cause of this, i don’t know who, but i know there’s a shawol gone as well.

as a former suicide attemptee i wish everyone finds the courage and the strength to tell the bad thoughts “fuck off” and let the real you take over again. do not let the gnat living inside you eat you alive and consume you, fight that shit, fight it, not till your very last breath, but with all your might.  it might be hard to talk to someone, i know, i couldn’t even tell my parents when i attempted, but there is always someone who will listen and do their best to help. whether it’s 1 person, someone you least expected, or a random stranger, there is always someone who will listen..heck go to a random fan on instagram or twitter... they will love to help. yes you might think “shit what if they spill this to the world that i talked to them and told them about my depressing state” but i can assure you that if they were a fan and you knew they were a fan, they wouldn’t even tell and grain of rice. just please.. never loose hope, even if you’re hanging by a threat, take that one piece of threat and think the best of it, there’s always something that makes you happy, even if it’s the smallest things it’s still something.

i’m sorry if i made typos, i just type really fast and i could care less about grammar at this point, grammar isn’t the point right now, it’s the fact a legitimate living angel is just an angel now and is gone forever. there’s no bringing them back, even if it wasn’t their destiny as much as they thought it was (due to that gnat), we can’t bring back an accident. he needed help, people tried but whatever was eating him alive was telling him no one cared when that wasn’t true, he was so far gone that he couldn’t see what was right in front of him, which hurts the most. i know how that feels... i just hope, he’s healthy and in peace.