#i wanted to do something more... let's say special. or significant for our friendship
Photo
BEYOND EVIL (2021) + Ocean Vuong quotes
for @petekaos 💛💙
RAHUL !!!!! this will be only half a surprise i think, i’m sure you got that i was giffing beyond evil from what i said skdsnd but i really think the quotes will be a surprise eheh anyway time to get sappy ! damn it’s been 2 years already. when people say time flies they really mean it!! honestly these 2 years have been some of the happiest of my life overall, despite the bad and the ugly, and a huge part of it is that i got to go through them with you alongside me :’) you’ve been with me through thick and thin, we’ve laughed so much together, made dumb jokes, shared so many passions and brainrots, been homophobic towards mek’s 2022 costars together (JK!!!) and also we’ve supported each other in everything. i know i tell you all the time, but i’ll never stop saying it: i love you!!!! you are such a kind, funny, sweet, talented, supportive, fantastic person. i never get tired of talking to you, if anything when we don’t talk for a bit i miss you a lot. you’re my best friend and honestly i couldn’t ask for a better best friend like absolutely no one could fill in this role but you !! sure, maybe someone else wouldn’t tease me about pigeons (🙄) but we’re bonded by that pigeon shit so 🥰 i think i’ll never have the proper words to tell you how much you mean to me, but i hope i’ve somehow showed it to you in these two years and i hope i get so many more chances to in the future. here’s to many many more years of getting anons about our friendship 💙💛 love you so much !!!!!!!!
#beyond evil#**#rahul tag#i'll tag the show so anyone who wants to can rb this even if it's for rahul skdksdns#just ignore the sappiness under the read more <3#ANYWAY rahul AAAAAAA i hope you like this !!!#it was a Journey and it's not even that much of a complicated set but it was still jskdsnds i did my best :tiredcat:#i wanted to do something more... let's say special. or significant for our friendship#i guess#but no matter how hard i tried to think of something else my mind came back to beyond evil and this idea and so ... it happened#you did say you wanted me to gif it so :eyes: the dark scenes were hell to color WHAT THE HELLLLL#i tried :sob:#i hate being on desktop ANYWAYYYY i love you. i'm rambling because i'm nervous you won't like this that much.#thing is i've been thinking of 'one day i'll love ocean vuong' so much lately#and then it clicked that that line about a father is SOOOO juwon i just could not stop thinking about it ...#and i know how much you love ocean vuong and i love him too so this is hopefully nice <3#beyond evil and ocean vuong's works actually both give me those Feelings ..... bc they're both so raw. and full of pain and trauma and love.#I'M RAMBLING OKAY ENOUGH SJDKSDBSJDNS#hope you like this HAPPY 2 YEARS <3333333333 LOVE YOU :CRI: :CRI: :CRI:#ALSO WAIT LMAO yes this is only the first half of beyond evil and i've been kicking myself for not finishing the drama#bc i KNOWWWWW i would've had so much more to work with#and possibly i woud've made something better#maybe i'll make a part 2 once i'm finished with the drama tho
193 notes
·
View notes
Text
Episodes 6 and 7 of Our Dining Table have my favorite ever scenes in the manga (and that's not even considering that scene) so my opinion of the whole show was pretty much contingent on these two episodes.
And they knocked them out of the park.
(Stray thoughts and ramblings on Our Dining Table eps 6 and 7. Some light manga spoilers but nothing too revealing.)
Our Dining Table was one of the first manga I read, and by then I was very new to the concept of Christmas in Japan being a primarily romantic thing. So that whole scene about Minoru struggling to ask Yutaka about his Christmas plans flew over my head during my initial reading, but after re-reading it it made a lot more sense why Minoru was so on edge about it. I thought the show did this really well, and that added scene with Minoru and his manager in the ramen shop was a great way to contextualize it too.
We only see her for a single scene so let me just say: Ohata you will always be famous. (And her outfit looked so good??? We should've had a scene where Yutaka asked her for advice on which scarf to get.)
The whole "taking care of your sick loved one" trope is 50/50 for me as those scenes seem to be quite predictable, but I really like how Our Dining Table uses it as a catalyst for both Yutaka and Minoru to start truly opening up to each other. Sure, they've gotten very close over the past few months and I think both of them recognize by this point that their "friendship" is something special, but I found it very interesting that it's only by this scene - both in the manga and in the show - where they start digging deep into their issues and expressing why that friendship means a lot to them.
I've already said it in my previous two posts but it bears repeating: how they're handling Minoru's past in the show is such a step up from how it was in the manga. Minoru deciding to open up first so that Yutaka can be comfortable sharing his own past is so in-character and honestly makes that Christmas scene even more of a gut-punch than it already is.
And THEN we get that absolutely devastating scene with Tane and his dad, with the latter worrying about Yutaka dying. I feel like this scene was given a lot more weight in the show - mainly because I felt it gave the scene the space and time to play out - and I am still recovering from it. Very much a top 3 scene of the series for me.
(Also, shout out to the dad for getting the memo not once, but twice and letting Minoru get his much-deserved alone time with Yutaka. I'm sure he's making up for interrupting them in Episode 5.)
Cannot stress enough how fantastic the show's little plot additions have been, and the matching scarves as gifts is probably at the top of my list. I could go on and on about how it represents warmth and comfort and all that, but really I'm already screaming at the fact that they had the same idea on what to give each other.
I also want to point out how much I love that the very first shot of Episode 7 (after the opening credits) is Yutaka's dish rack with the washed bowl and utensils as it takes the viewer a second to realize that this was Minoru's doing. It's up there with the shoes in Episode 2 for me.
While I fell in love with the manga by like the first chapter, I think what cemented its grip on me was how they decided to gives us Yutaka's backstory in the style of Tane's drawings. That was definitely the scene I was most looking forward to in this entire series, and when I saw the Episode 7 preview at the end of Episode 6 with Yutaka just tearfully recounting his story to Minoru, I was worried that they were gonna do away with it. So you can imagine my reaction to not only seeing that Tane's drawings were kept, but that they also decided to animate a significant part of that backstory with the drawings. (All I'm gonna say is that I had to pause the video to calm down.)
Tane clinging to Yutaka like a koala was the best shot of the episode. It was a nice break from all the heavy emotions. And then Tane said sike and gave us that head patting scene and he really got us while our guard was down huh.
I really have nothing to say about the kiss as I'm not really a fan of dwelling on these kinds of scenes, but I will say that how understated it was fit with the tone of the show. If anything my only complaint was how I felt that scene was a bit dark (as in it lacked lighting haha not that it was grim).
Next episode is gonna be a rough and frustrating one I'm pretty sure, but I am curious on where they're gonna end it. There's one more scene I'm really looking forward to seeing but I think that's gonna come at like the finale.
I love this series so much. It's nothing flashy or groundbreaking but it takes pride in its simplicity and makes the most out of it. And I'm so glad more people are discovering it thanks to this show.
22 notes
·
View notes
Note
Sorry if you want to wait on getting this information until after the poll is over but, if not, I wanted to share some thoughts about how I feel about my take on Yoonmin. As you mentioned, none of us know for sure about the nature of their relationship outside of what they show us and bits we've been told by others, so I never feel confident saying/believing in romantic relationships.
There were two options on your poll that I think I fall into though, the I like it as a 'ship' option, whether I believe it's real or not doesn't really change the fact that I enjoy anything that looks 'shippy' when it shows up, I get a lot of joy from ship content and do enjoy the thought of them as a couple.
But I ended up having to choose Close Friends, because no matter how reluctant I am about saying I know for sure about the nature of someone's relationship, there is something about these two that from the moment I first was getting into BTS and saw their interactions, both as the main subject of the camera as well as what was going on between them in the background I remember thinking 'oh, those two are best friends'. I soon realized that the majority of the fandom didn't really see them that way, but I'll always maintain, regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic, those two are way closer than just the way all BTS members are close with each other. There is a genuine friendship that exists outside of the group between them that I feel like I can see between them.
So, I had to go with Close friends, but I'm not opposed to the 'close friends leaning to lovers' option that was suggested either.
Thank you! This is super helpful. My purpose for creating the poll was to better understand how people who are seeking out yoonmin content actually feel about them.
I should probably wait for the poll results but I’ll go ahead and give my two cents. For a long time, I felt similar to what you’re describing: I thought they hovered very close to the line between platonic and romantic. I think two things pushed me over to the romantic end of the spectrum (of course this is just my opinion)… ⚠️ speculation ahead!
First, I felt that they were both fulfilling the role of “special person” for one another. Like Jimin calling Yoongi right after his surgery, before he’d fully gotten over the anesthesia. If Yoongi had a significant other, wouldn’t Jimin have left that role to them? Let them talk to him first? Figured Yoongi was in good hands? And it’s not just that one example; I see it other places as well. And it goes in both directions. Like Yoongi saying that if Jimin goes on the music shows “of course” he would be there. He “should be there”, even. As if it was a given. Not a friendly, “yeah I’ll try to stop by.”
And the second thing that solidified my views was the web show. Everything about it. I remember talking to a friend about it and we began to wonder, “what more could they have done?” We came up with “Not much!” They talked about their dynamic together, talked about spending time off camera, talked about mutual friends, expressed a great deal of familiarity and fondness…and the body language! They held hands multiple times! What more could they (reasonably) have done to show us their bond? It felt significant.
All of that said, I see the people who voted in the Close Friends category and our new Close Friends Leaning to Lovers category as being very similar to those in the Couple category. There honestly isn’t much difference. We agree on most things; we agree on the important things.
I have so many questions I’d love to discuss, but I’ll try to wait til the poll is finished! I hope you’ll stop by again. I’m curious to know more about how people end up in those three categories in particular, and what it would take to move them to a new category. (Not in the sense of me trying to convince someone to change their mind, but in the context of what they’d need to see between ym in order to change their pov.)
Thanks, anon! I appreciate your thoughts.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fic Writer Self Rec
Fic authors self-rec! ✨ When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers ❤️
Oooh, a chance to ramble about my fics, I see, well let's do this! Thank you, @sliebman10!
Let's tag... @mikaharuka , @alpaca-clouds , @thememoryofthatday , @sapphosewrites , @axolotlsupremacyowo , @0nelittlebirdtoldme , @kayedium-writes and @tsunderewatermelon !
Ok, ok, so... as usual, I'm going to be jumping around, because you guys know how my attention span can be xD
1. Life is a Rollercoaster; or Tao Xu's Fight Against the Big Butterfly of Doom (Heartstopper | 11.1k | Fluff, Humor, Time Travel)
Tao got the chance to go back in time and undo his worst mistake. Tao prevented Charlie from being outed or bullied. Tao changed things enough that, the second time around, Charlie didn't get assigned the seat next to Nick Nelson in form.
…Fuck.
Or: the Butterfly Effect sucks, and if Tao has to take desperate measures to ensure his friend's happiness, he will. He draws the line at Iron Man 2 though, someone has to keep some standards around here.
I binged the show and immediately got the urge to write something for it, but I didn't expect it to blow up as it did! I had fun with this one, and the readers were super nice and encouraging, plus sharing this one is what led me to eventually meet @mikaharuka as we rambled over our fics, so for that alone it's always going to have a special significance for me 😁
2. Neither Grief Nor Glory (TSOA/Hades | 7.6k | Angst, Smut)
Dying had been a relief, but death is turning into its own kind of torment.
Dying was just the beginning. Achilles' journey back to Patroclus is a long and twisted one. Along the way he'll have to confront his unaddressed grief, face his many regrets and learn to truly become a man worthy of Patroclus' unconditional love.
But like all journeys, eventually he'll reach his safe harbor.
My first yuletide! This one took months and a couple of minor breakdowns, but the end result is something I am very proud of, both in terms of the prose and the worldbuilding. And my giftee left the loveliest comment ☺️
3. All That Matters (Asterix the Gaul | 2.6k | Character Study, Queerplatonic Relationships)
Asterix has always felt different, but he has Obelix, and that is usually enough. Everybody else has questions, however, and he grows tired of answering.
"He wants to shout, even if he still doesn't know what he wants to say, even if he knows that if he lets his frustration take hold of his tongue, he will regret the harm he will cause."
This was... very, very cathartic to write. I remember rewriting sections of this so often, and I am humbled by the response it had. It was a very validating experience.
4. Life is a Flower, Love is the Honey (Deep Space Nine | 9.5k | Romance and Fluff)
“I don’t think Julian would like that,” Leeta said, without pausing to think about it, but… “We could ask him,” Rom had replied. And wasn’t that an interesting idea?
(A self-indulgent, mostly Rom-centric, Julian/Leeta/Rom fic because I was re-watching ‘Bar Association’ and this happened. I have no regrets.)
The one that brought me back into writing, after several years of hiatus... and the one that gave me confidence to push on, even if I nearly backed out due to it featuring a strange rarepair. This story is always going to be special for me <3
4. When You Speak, I Hear Silence (Deep Space Nine | 1.8k | Friendship)
Terok Nor is no more, and strange new aliens are coming to the newly named Deep Space Nine. Nog doesn't expect life to change; but then he finds a friend, who gives him the greatest gift he will ever receive.
If there's a fic where I wouldn't change a single word or a moment of the writing process, it has to be this one. I'm so glad I didn't go with my initial idea, because this version with Jake&Nog just made things click for me ^_^
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
♡
Often I am concerned of how my words may come off, but I do find it important to be truthful and authentic when my heart is constantly asking to express itself…. We have not known each other long.. we seem to get to know each other more and more as the time goes on, and I adore it. You are something very special! I hope you know that!! I know just bits and pieces of the life that has made you who you are. & with that, I want you to know how proud of you I am!! You have had so so so many hurdles and you jump them ( or maybe crawl under 😉) and you keep on trucking. You are an absolute wonderful mother despite all odds that was handed to you. You inspire me!
Panda, you are an absolute gem! You have one of the prettiest smiles I ever did see! your hugs are something surreal. for not knowing someone, I think about hugging you often, and when able to it’s a battle with the 🧠 to let go on a timely manner!! I love your laugh ♡ it gives me the feeling of Christmas morning 🌲
As the garage is bumping and I am trying me all to listen to what you are saying, I find myself dissociating.. & the clip that played through my head was a room with low yellowish orange lights as you Alice and I lounged on some carpet in our plaid pajamas… you was very smiley..♡
It makes my entire soul smile to know you put your little nick-nacks up on the wall where you can see them!! The way you carried your little punkin ( you are the ONLY one I’ll make an acceptation for with this word 😉) made me smile so very much! It’s not about material, but we would give you the world if it was possible. It’s the least you deserve!
On the way home,string bean says to me, I just want to hug her again… and I can concur!! The entire ride home we randomly would giggle and say ohhh Panda! it’s amusing how often you waltz through our craniums. There was many times that i could feel your hurt and anger, I just wanted to pick you and hug you and just…. That’s the only words I have with out coming of disrespectful.. you deserve nothing less than smiles love and laughter my dear friend
I do often get concerned of over stepping boundaries…of yours, and because technically you are string beans friend.. and as a respect factor I try to keep myself in my own place…with that being said, I just want you know I very much do, have love for you!! Not sure how this all will be taken 😬😬 I am here for you always…
I am certain that you have expressed to me before if there was a line crossed you would let me know… not that I feel as if I’m doing anything wrong… just sometimes the love that I have can make others uncomfortable and can cause a weird relationship because I love to genuinely unconditional! A lot of the time it’s because I am female… 👭 it’s often portrayed as coming off sexual… that is never my goal.. genuine love, compassion, comfort,guidance, softness is tho. The point of bringing this all up, is to let you know that you mean more to us than I think we can verbally express… thank you for being our friend and thank you for allowing us to love you and to be a part of your life…
At one point a conversation was had about what thy other significant other had thought of yours and string beans relationship, and if it had crossed thy mind of what it was.. and for myself, knowing Alice and how she loves and how much you mean to her… and knowing how her and I share an open communicated relationship where we love endlessly… I think nothing of it. If anything I’m the instigator 😉 she is a Leo but on the cusp of being a cancer… she loves big and deep but often is in her shell… what you and her share I think is beautiful. You both deserve genuine friendship.. and together you both have that… she gets nervy to over step a work boundary, I always remind her that the love she has for you will be there with or with out the corporation!! ♡
This here is a place of things that shout panda… hoping to bring you little smiles
0 notes
Text
youtube
Good day, Tumblr. What better way to revive this ancient blog I opened so many years ago than to talk about my feelings to the sounds of my playlist? (Hoping to make this a format of sorts.)
Today's theme seems to be time, in many ways. And as the Quantic song I linked shows, it's not for good reasons.
The month of July is usually a joyous one. It's the month of my birthday and that of my significant other. In fact, both of our birthdays are on consecutive days; mine is on the 20th and his is on the 21st. I'll never pass up an opportunity to say how lucky I am to know him, but today's post is not about him.
This particular year should be extra-special. This is the year I turn 30. The big three-oh. Gonna put my twenties and the successes and mistakes of this past decade into the past at last. Pouring one out to feeling old.
But I'm not feeling happy about any of this. I'm just getting the reminder that I keep making mistakes. Some mistakes I don't even know I've done, and I still keep paying for them today.
I met a friend when I was no older than 16, all the way back in 2009. Many many many things happened, as they tend to when you know someone for this long. Trials, tribulations, on-and-off friendships, and maybe feelings of more along the way. Yet, my friendship with them managed to survive all the way until 2021. Suddenly gone from all contact lists. Unfriended, removed, as if it never happened.
I've never gotten any indication, clue, or hint as to why. No real bad conversations or negative moments before that point. Until a few days ago! When I realized this old account, was still following hers. So what's the best way to send a sign of life and an attempt to communicate again? I couldn't think of anything better than an unfollow/refollow.
Today I find out I can't read said blog anymore. I was most likely blocked. I can't shake the feeling this is deliberate.
Previous versions of myself would have shaken Hell and Heaven, earth and sky, bitched and moaned until I got an answer... or became too tired to keep shaking things. Today... Not so much. That's no longer how I want to do this.
I'm almost thirty. I don't really have the energy for this anymore. Some days I convince myself that my thirties will be just like my twenties, only with more experience, and that I'll never run out of energy and I'll live forever. Other days... I feel like I'm fifty and weighed down by my life experiences and mistakes.
I don't know what I did to lose someone so suddenly and without explanation when I've known that person for so long. Was I the one who was a bad friend? Am I allowed to use the word friend anymore?
I'll probably never know what happened or why she blocked me.
But I do know one thing. I spent too much time in my twenties dwelling on the past. Sometimes, time is the enemy; when you let it become your enemy. Spend too long looking for answers you'll never find, and it will only occupy more of your mental space, become more important, and weigh you down.
Z, In the remote chance you're reading this, I don't know what I've done to you. But you've made your point. Moving on and respecting your decision - something I used to have extreme trouble doing and accepting - is the only thing I should do. So, I will.
I just want to say I'm sorry, for whatever it is that I've done.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Bellarke- Love isn't weakness
Prev / Next Part
Chapter 14
Bellamy's P.O.V
Clarke and I were at our spot and as soon as she was out of the car she ran as fast as she could to the edge of the cliff, I was worried that she ran a little too fast and she would slip off the edge but she didn’t and when I saw her face she looked so free. I walked up behind her and put my hands on her lower back and when I did that I felt her relax at my touch, I thought back to everytime my skin touched her and how every time they touched she relaxed instantly. So when that happens it gives me a little hope that I can make her fall for me at one point, she is not like anyone I’ve ever met and I know that is cliché but it’s true, she is so sweet and kind but so quiet.
I saw her spacing out and I knew I couldn’t hide my feelings for her anymore. “What you thinking about Princess?” I asked her.
“Nothing, don't worry about it,” she says. I let go of her and I went to sit against a tree, looked at me when I let her go and I knew that she was probably wondering why I let go of her or why I put my hands on her back in the first place. “What’s wrong?” she asks me when she sits next to me.
“Nothing...just thinking,” I tell her.
“A penny for your thoughts”
“I’m thinking about you” I said before I even knew I said it.
“Why?” she asked.
“I can’t get you out of my head”
“Why, I’m not special if anything I’m nothing”
“You’re not nothing...ever since I found you on that curb alone and we got to talking I haven’t been able to get you out of my head”
“Why me, you could have anyone...you probably have had everyone and I just can’t…”
“You still think I’m a player don’t you” I interrupt her.
“Well aren't you” she asks, trying to hold back tears that were trying to come down her face.
“No, when I got into a relationship with Gina I stopped being a player because I wanted to better then that I don’t want to be that person anymore”
“Why should I believe you”
“You shouldn’t but I want you to...have I ever told you a lie”
“Well no but how do I know you aren’t just saying this”
Instead of answering her I pulled her closer to me and put my lips on hers, for a moment she didn’t kiss back but then she did and the feeling I got was the best thing in the world. I tilt my head to deepen the kiss and then I swipe my tongue across her bottom lip asking for entrance and she gives it to me, the kiss lasts a few minutes then she pulls away.
“Bellamy…” she starts to say.
“What?” I ask.
“I can’t...I can’t get hurt again, and I know you’re going to say you won’t hurt me but the truth is that you don’t know if you are going to...please just don’t ruin this friendship we have please”
“Why do you think I will hurt you”
“I don’t think you will I just don’t want to be hurt and if something happen and most likely it will because we are in high school I don’t only lose a significant other I also lose a friend and I don’t want that to happen”
“I understand where you are coming from but if you don’t open up your heart again then how will you ever be happy with someone in the future”
“Someone once told me Love was weakness and I didn’t listen to her and after she died I still thought that she was wrong and then I got hurt so I need you to understand that I am not ready to give my heart to anyone and I don’t want to lose a friend” she says
“Your sister,” I say.
“Yeah…”
“Okay” We sat there quietly, I get why she doesn’t want to open her heart up and I get why she doesn’t want to be with me but part of me just can’t help but feel hurt...maybe I was wrong about her liking me the way I do for her. “Do you want me to take you home?” I ask her.
“What time is it?” she asks me in return.
I look at my phone and it reads 1:45am “15 till 2:00am”
“Yeah I should get home before Murphy gets even more pissed than he already is”
0 notes
Text
Logging and documenting is helping me right now. Situations beyond this one are calling me to be in my esteem, and not only to trust myself but I am in tune with myself so that trust is natural and active, and I see the difference it makes.
He and I are kindred in heart and soul, he is family. By extension, I regard his significant other as extended family.
I do feel that the feelings I have are reciprocated on some level:
- this is a special connection
- he finds me attractive and is above all attracted to my heart and character
- he reciprocates my feelings
- I’ve recently been wondering and on some level sensing that his girlfriend is threatened or wary of my friendship with him and our closeness. This is largely after she ran into me wearing his name tag
- I feel I must have made some impression upon him, and thus her through what he may have shared/expressed to her, for her to always view my Instagram stories and for her to give me access to her Close Friends stories
- I’ve thought she may like a lot of what I post and share. I do like to craft and curate my Instagram to be an oasis, soothing to the nervous system. I leave room for the fact that I cannot say for sure what she is thinking and feeling. But it’s important for me to log and track and hone my instincts and insights.
- He did tell me today in conversation, in response to something I said, that he likes “to see more smiles from me.”
- This all came up and inspired me to journal here about it because she came by our job tonight and was supposed to meet our mutual friend and instead hung away from our post work group and they spoke for awhile before he finally came to collect his things and they headed out. I of course thought she might not want to be around me but also that she did not expect to be around more of our co-workers.
- My mind went to the extreme: that he would take a step back or distance himself from our friendship and connection to respect her wishes and protect their relationship - which is reasonable and understandable. But I would be sad to lose him in my life, even as I’d begun letting myself embrace a possibility that I wouldn’t get to be with him intimately as lovers and get to explore each other and ourselves in love and let it grow in our hearts and lives. I would definitely have some hard/hurt feelings to process and would be deep in prayer because I just wouldn’t understand what God is doing in my life even if I very much feel like Creator has their hand in all that’s unfolding and is very much *doing something* in my life - something of a caliber of wonder and splendor beyond what I’ve known or dreamed.
- So I was accepting that the person who will join me and take the lifelong journey Home together, that person does not have to be him. That he has served to Awaken Love in my Heart. And that it has shown much growth the way I have embracing and letting go these days, with feelings for him, but also in so many situations I am presented with at this time.
- In all things, even this, I sense to be patient…like too much is moving and shifting and God is definitely going to be stirring this pot to fruition. It’s like a good thorough homemade meal - there’s nothing like it and the most nourishing sustenance from gut to heart. The story is not done being written, there’s a quantum opening - reaching back and propelling me forward, and the best thing I can do is relax, take good care of myself, and stand in awe of Great Spirit in All Things (In My Life).
0 notes
Text
psa: trent ikithon is not as competent and powerful as he makes himself seem.
(cw: discussion of abuse)
.
.
i'm not sure how to get into this in a way that's natural, so i hope you don't mind if i go for the straightforward route.
trent ikithon is an abuser. that means his tactics all center around—and rely upon—making vulnerable people believe that he has far more power than he actually does. and when it comes to our pov, the m9's pov, ikithon is trying his damnedest to accomplish the same.
now, i don't know everything that's in matt mercer's head when he has played or characterized trent ikithon. i'm sure there's some depth to his motivations and intelligence, and i don't doubt that ikithon ideologically believes in strengthening the empire. but this is not relevant to the abuse tactics i want to discuss.
because the reality is this: abusers do what they do because they enjoy victimizing and controlling the vulnerable.
that's why you get abusers like archivist zeenoth who are attracted to positions of authority. those positions facilitate structural imbalances of power between them and their potential victims. trent ikithon, too, is doing the same thing—as an archmage of the cerberus assembly, he is exploiting the authority of his position to gain victims for abusing. he is not doing what he does because he's a brilliant mastermind focused on a goal. if he was, he wouldn't abuse his students.
think about it in terms of effectiveness. no matter what people like ikithon try to assert, his volstrucker are not in any way stronger or more capable from his 'tutelage'. caduceus clay roasted the man in his own dining room for this lie. what the volstrucker are are an organization of ruthless, skilled spies built from deeply abused and damaged people. they aren't healthy; they aren't stable. caleb widogast spent eleven years in a sanatorium because he was one of many recruits who broke under the abuse (see EGtW), and then five years as a solitary, paranoia-ridden mess in a filthy coat. he spent months trying not to self-sabotage his growing friendships and had a panic attack as soon as he left ophelia mardun's mansion in shadycreek (e27, 2:55:21). he has ptsd from using fire magic to burn people to death—considering his statement on executing traitors to the empire as a trainee (e18, 2:48:12), it was probably an everyday part of the job.
even the minority of volstrucker that do get through the training stage aren’t functioning well. only a few episodes ago, we watched astrid finish a conversation with caleb and then duck into an alleyway so she could curl up and have a five-minute breakdown before putting the composed mask back on (e126, 1:50:47). abuse makes being alive harder; good luck being a sustainable espionage program at that point.
so that's one lie. how about another?
at the dinner in ikithon's tower, ikithon implied that he has guided every step of caleb's path to recovery and ever-growing power. that caleb's plans to murder ikithon are exactly what he wants; that he even arranged his escape from the vergessen sanatorium (e110, 2:52:58).
i think enough people have recognized that ikithon's first claim is utter bullshit, considering that caleb and the m9 had just arrived from a random island on which they hosted a cult gathering festooned with phalluses. but the implication that he arranged for caleb's escape from the sanatorium was just that: an implication. he never says outright that he did so. he only couched what he knew in gaslighting platitudes and handed over the holy symbol of the cleric that healed him. you won't sense a lie that hasn't been spoken. he let caleb and the m9 make their assumptions, and the assumption worked in his favor.
let's consider the actual circumstances of caleb's escape (e18, beginning 2:51:54). a fellow inmate of the sanatorium who was a cleric suddenly grabbed him and healed him of his madness before returning to her own ravings. caleb then pretended he was still insane for two weeks before killing a guard, stealing the amulet that kept him hidden, and fleeing. how would any of these events work in trent ikithon's favor? the number of absurd assumptions here are off the charts.
first, you would have to believe that a cleric could permanently heal a man who'd been insane and probably experimented on for eleven years.
second, you would have to assume that this man would still be competent enough to pass general scrutiny and break out.
third, you would have to believe that he'd totally survive on his own without any resources whatsoever,
after eleven years of being institutionalized,
while first beginning deep in the pearlbow wilderness—
all without raising the suspicion of this apparently still hypercompetent ex-patient that his escape was too easy.
and fourth, you would have to believe that this man would actually accomplish something in your interests instead of, say, dying or remaining a vagrant beggar forever.
if this was all on purpose, then trent ikithon is really an idiot.
another truth: caleb was not special. both liam and caleb have said so (talks for e88, beginning 28:00; & e110, 29:06), with the examples of other volstrucker supporting this. all of them are talented mages and good at spycraft! they have to be to graduate in the first place! ikithon's assertions that caleb was extra special (e110, 2:52:11)? also a lie—specifically, a great tactic for convincing a victim of abuse not to think about it further. of course they're being hurt again. of course they're being targeted again. not to mention how abusers selectively compliment in order to confuse the people they’re hurting (relevant here: e88, 3:28:25). caleb having an unhealthy amount of hubris and thus open to being diagnosed with protagonist disease doesn’t help.
ikithon would have easily deduced the details of what happened and obtained the holy symbol after an investigation of the break-out. not too hard to piece things together if you simply ask about unusual events prior to the escape and learn that he'd had an altercation with another patient two weeks ago—and oh yes, that patient used to be a blasphemous cleric.
caleb widogast basically reappeared next door healthier, much more powerful, and more capable than ever. ikithon doesn’t have control over caleb’s entire past and future—but he wants him to believe he does. it’s a gaslighting attempt to make caleb question his own accomplishments and attribute them to ikithon so that ikithon can regain some control over his ex-student.
another truth: trent ikithon is already on thin fucking ice. no one in the cerberus assembly likes each other, of course, but a consistent point was made again and again that everyone deeply dislikes ikithon. he's stayed because he made himself useful, but he could and would get taken care of should he be a detriment instead (see e88, 3:19:27; & e97, 3:19:32).
any sort of thorough investigation into the volstrucker and the vergessen sanatorium would reveal exactly how fragile all of his agents are and how frequently he fails in conditioning his recruits. ikithon gets the pick of the crop when it comes to nationalistic, talented students that enter the soltryce academy. to find out that he drives a significant number of them insane? well, that's a pure waste of unrealized potential. and for what—a program of spies who are paranoid enough and opportunistic enough to turn on each other if prodded the right way?
and now... trent ikithon, as part of the traitorous beacon research, has been under heavy investigation from two fronts: the augen trust and the cobalt soul (e125, 2:31:10). and he has been getting very nervous recently (e125, 2:41:42).
the final truth i want to point out: trent ikithon is just as control-obsessed as any other abuser. we got the most obvious example of this yet from e128—his pursuit of the m9 to nicodranas and tidepeak tower. think about the circumstances again.
he was apparently so curious and so annoyed by caleb rebuffing all of his attempts at ‘conversation’ that he made his excuses before teleporting directly to nicodranas,
through a circle implied to be arranged diplomatically between the empire and the clovis concord,
with a plan to break into the lavish chateau, one of the most high-profile locations of the city, to potentially kidnap or kill everyone,
including the famous and beloved ruby of the sea.
he then chased the m9 and their families to the equally high-profile tidepeak tower on the open quay, all of which is owned by yussa errenis, an archmage himself who’s learned far more about local politics than he ever wanted to know,
intimidated his “man”servant,
and broke in.
and they did all of this possibly with some very confused members of the zhelezo following right behind them.
other people have gone through the potential political consequences of this more thoroughly than me, so suffice to say that trent ikithon has gotten himself into some deep shit. you can’t negotiate or magic yourself out of being witnessed by hundreds of people breaking into the tower of an archmage who is infamous among the locals for being a bitchy recluse.
if he was smart, and clever, and a brilliant mastermind, he wouldn’t have done any of that. what he could have done: continue to handle caleb from an ominous distance through spells like sending. allege to the cerberus assembly and king dwendal that the break-in was an underhanded cobalt soul mission because of beauregard’s association with the m9. or just straight-up say that the m9 broke into his facilities because they have a vendetta against him and have them at least investigated the next time the empire can hold onto them for a second.
but he didn’t do any of those much more clever possibilities. he acted impulsively and rashly and may well be on the way to a lot of trouble now. all because ikithon just could not handle caleb being saucy.
with all this in mind, i want to go back to one last detail: astrid and eadwulf. because these two would suffer terrible consequences if they ran away—allegedly.
because i want to ask... what exactly could ikithon do to them?
they’ve already killed their own parents. so far, we’ve had no sign either that they have anyone else important to them in his reach besides each other. they have nothing tying themselves to him besides years of abuse and the crimes they’ve committed as volstrucker. they might want some power of their own, sure, perhaps they want to kill him while they’re still close. but we certainly know that eadwulf and astrid are not invested in the volstruckers as it stands. they doubt ikithon. and they already have their own amulets.
so what else could make them so terrified by the idea of leaving with the m9 except the way that trent ikithon has abused them and convinced them that he’s powerful enough and capable enough to catch up to them?
don’t be fooled. he hosted the most embarrassing excuse for a dining-with-the-enemy scene (seriously, i hope someone reading this cringed the entire time as well from all the long pauses and terrible topic transitions) and then teleported away to flee caduceus clay’s scalding tea. no retort, no blackmail. he acted recklessly in nicodranas and appropriately pushed two of his own volstrucker to betray him, losing his one opportunity to capture the m9′s family there. and now ikithon is between a rock and a hard place in terms of political standing, with a spy network he has openly encouraged to turn against him.
there is no terror waiting in the wings anymore, no more strings he can pull. just an abuser playing up his own grandeur. at this point, the only thing he hasn’t reached his limit in yet is his high-level spell slots.
#cr#critical role#cr meta#trent ikithon#caleb widogast#astrid#eadwulf#abuse#gaslighting mention#prim post#prim says some things#long post#he's a horrible and despicable person who's#used his power to commit massive harm don't get me wrong#but don't fall for overestimating him- he wants you to
676 notes
·
View notes
Text
Skydiving | Andy Barber
Andy x reader
Summary: Andy tries to prove a point of going skydiving with his younger significant other, but it might not as well as he planned.
Warnings: fluff, age gap (reader in their 20s) , angst over age difference
Word count 1.1k
A/N: I have been MIA for a while on here and I am sorry! I’ve been having some family troubles that are currently taking up most of my time and when I do have a spare moment I just haven’t been able to find it in me to write. But I’ve finally had some inspiration and have jotted ideas down for more stories that I can’t wait to share with everyone in the near future. ❤️
“Let’s go skydiving.”
You looked up from the book you were reading and turned your head slightly. Andy walked into your living room, his eyebrows creased in concentration as he tied his tie. He looked so serious in comparison to the carefree words that just fell from his mouth.
“Yeah, no.” You shook your head, returning to your book. You got about three more sentences in when the book was snatched from your hands and your boyfriend's face was in view. Not being able to help the smile that spread across your face at the sight of the bearded man in front you; you leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his pink lips. It was a short but passionate kiss, your tongue just teasing the seam of his lips.
“Please.” Andy pouted once you pulled away. “I heard it’s what all the young kids are doing.”
You know he meant it as a joke but your brows furrowed. Lately, Andy had been feeling a bit self conscious about the age gap between the two of you. You were in your mid twenties and Andy had just breached the 40 mark. Forty wasn’t old, but Andy always liked to point out that it definitely wasn’t young. But you didn’t care how old he was. Andy was your person. You were sure of it.
The two of you had met when you interned at the DA’s office. Andy, just freshly divorced, wasn’t looking for anything serious and you weren’t looking in general. But late hours and long days turned into a friendship that slowly but surely turned into love.
“Bub.” You ran your hand down his face, your thumb sliding across his jutted bottom lip.
“It would be fun.”
“It sounds terrifying.” You countered.
“Oh come on,” Andy leaned forward to press a kiss to the side of your neck. You giggled, his beard always tickling you. “What’s life if not lived with a little bit of fear?”
“Uh safe?” You joked. You let out a squeal as Andy pinched your sides before pulling back once again. His blue eyes met yours and you couldn’t help but be drawn in.
“I’ll pay for it.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively.
“Well that was a given. If I die, I want it to be on your dime.” You smiled as you twisted your fingers around the end of his tie, watching him closely. “Is this something you really want to do?”
“Yes.”
“And not because you’re trying to prove a point?” You raised your eyebrows causing Andy to shake his head. For a moment there was a flash of hesitation behind his blue eyes; the fear of being too old for you always a nagging feeling in his mind. But as soon as you saw it, it was gone, replaced by that all too familiar excited gleam.
“If the point is that I’ll look better than you in those jumpsuits they make you wear then yes.” He smirked. You let out a scoff and rolled your eyes, but used his tie to pull him back towards you.
“You wish.” You grinned against his lips before planting one on him.
“So is that a yes?”
You groaned and let your head fall back before giving a simple nod. You couldn’t help but laugh as Andy let out an excited cheer. You brought your head back up and watched as he stood up, straightening his tie once again, a huge smile covering his face.
“Okay, so get ready because I booked our time for later this afternoon when I’m done with this meeting.” Andy gave you one last kiss, his body shaking with laughter at your shocked face.
“Andrew Barber, you are such a brat. What would you have done if I said no?” You gasped at him as he grabbed his jacket and briefcase.
“I knew you wouldn’t. You love me way too much.” He teased with a wink.
“Yeah, well, that’s highly debatable now.” You joked. “Get out of here before I change my mind.”
Andy’s laughter followed him out of the house and you just shook your head and smiled. He was right; you loved him so much that the terrifying idea of jumping out of a plane didn’t seem too bad if you knew he was by your side.
*
“Oh, Bubba.” You cooed, trying hard to hide your laughter. But the glare from Andy had you letting out a giggle.
He opened his mouth to say something but all that came out was a groan, his hands resting on his back. You carefully placed the heating pad behind him and then handed him the four ibuprofen.
“Thanks.” He grunted out. “God, this is embarrassing.”
“Why?” You sat down next to him, mindful of his aching back. You ran your hand down his shoulder, his arm and then linked your fingers with his.
“Because I’m sitting here moaning and groaning like an old man.” He bit out the last word as another spasm of pain hit him.
“Andy, the instructor said you guys landed funny. It’s not your age that’s giving you pain, it could have happened to anyone.” You soothed, your thumb rubbing over his knuckles.
“But it happened to me. And this stuff is going to keep happening to me because I’m old.”
“Andy…” Carefully, you lifted one leg over his so you were straddling his lap. You brought your hands to his cheeks and made sure he kept eye contact with you before you continued. “You are not old. Yes, you are older than me but that doesn’t mean anything. Nothing. Nada. You have more energy than most of the other people I have dated. You're easier to talk to because you actually know how to have a conversation that doesn’t just revolve around sports and social media. Your life experience is so god damn sexy to me. Okay? You make me feel special and loved and cared for. And that’s all that matters. The only one in this relationship that resents your age is you, baby. I promise.”
Andy let out a wavering breath, his eyes shining with unshed tears. He huffed as one escaped and traveled down his cheek. Leaning forward you kissed away the salty drop, then moving to give his other cheek a kiss.
“I love you.” He rasped, his forehead falling forward to meet yours. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but whatever it is I’m glad I did it.”
You smiled, your own eyes watering at how much you loved the man in front of you. “I love you too. Now let’s get you to bed.”
#chris evans imagine#chris evans x reader#chris evans fanfiction#chris evans x reader imagine#Andy Barber imagine#Andy Barber x reader#Andy Barber fluff#Chris evans fluff
263 notes
·
View notes
Note
how did the player’s handbook shape your witchcraft? i just bought a copy, and now i’m curious what your thoughts are!
This one is maybe a little more complicated than the Tolkien one, so stay with me here. I'll do my best to explain.
For me, luck and chance are kinda 'sacred concepts'. That's maybe not the right term to use, 'cause it sounds borderline religious. But it's important to my worldview.
I'll be real, I just typed out a massive paragraph that absolutely read like the Charlie Day conspiracy board meme, and then I deleted it.
So let's just say this: The odds of the entire cosmos and all of history and humanity lining up exactly as it did to bring you to my inbox today? Well that's a really big fucking coincidence.
A lot of people say that our existence has to be because of some divinity, some higher power, God or gods or The Universe or whatever, because there has to be something bigger than us writing the story, right? There has to be some higher power pulling the cosmic strings, right? Because otherwise, why are we here? Why do we have consciousness? What is the meaning of life? Is our small human existence really just... one... big... cosmic... coincidence?
My answer: Yep! Sheer chance.
"Oh wow, Jes, that's a really dim view of things, isn't it?"
Nope! No no no, because see... "Chance" is not all there is. Because we also have narrative.
I met my best friend through tumblr because she happened upon a blog of mine via the broken tag system of this blue hellsite. Total coincidence, right? Well, yeah. But while our meeting was chance, our friendship is not. I had to place significance on her being in my life. She had to place significance on me being in hers. We happened to cross each others paths via chance, but our narrative, the story we are constantly telling ourselves about our own lives, said "Hey, this person is cool and I want to talk to her more." The meeting was coincidence, but we made it important. We said "This person is important to me, and I am going to make the effort to talk to her more."
What was the cosmic ~*~meaning~*~ of that meeting? Well, nothing, until we gave it one. We made it significant.
idk, I'm thinking also on what ei-len said a while back: "The witch is a component of the spell". This might be a stretch of that quote, but stay with me here. I see a lot of people around witchblr see things that they think are omens, signs, deities reaching out to them, something. And they go ask other witch blogs "I saw a crow on my way to work! What does it mean??" My answer: Nothing on its own, really. But it's not on its own. You saw it. You are a part of the story here too. What does it mean to you at this time? Don't remove yourself from the equation here. A crow on its own is just a crow being a crow. But if you're walking through the park and you're sad and you're wishing for a sign from the universe that everything is going to be okay, and then a crow shows up in your path, and you love crows and they're your favorite animal, and it just happened to show up right when you needed it to... well. That's something special, isn't it? Now it's a sign. It's a sign because you were there! And you are part of this sign, too!
Now what the FUCK does this have to do with D&D?!
Roll a D20. What's it land on? 5. Damn. Roll another one. What's it land on? 17. Ooh yay! Roll another one. Natural 20!! FUCK YEAH!!!
Every single side on that die has the same chance of coming up. You have as much of a chance of rolling a 5 or a 12 or a 17 as you do a nat20 or a nat1. But we (or Wizards of the Coast, rather) have decided that certain numbers mean certain things. We've put meaning to chance. And we use that to create stories, adventures, emotional connections, big epic tales where we're the heroes who save the world.
Your narrative affects chance, it affects what you roll for. And then that roll, the chance, in turn affects your narrative. It shapes your story. And again through the cycle, your story affects chance once again. And on and on and on.
Life kinda works that way too, if you pay attention.
106 notes
·
View notes
Text
Okay. So I did one of these wish lists last season and got gifted way more than I ever could have anticipated so I thought why not do it again?
Shae’s wish list for Season 11.
Putting it under a cut because it’s long and rambling. And it will probably be revised and/or added to whenever the mood strikes me.
Things I want to see in Season 11:
The actual episode. Why the hell does everything have to be so dark in the literal sense?
Carol and Daryl to have an epic reunion that will totally blow the reunion in the woods outside of Terminus out of the water. C’mon. It really feels like the stage is being set for it and you know Angela loves her callbacks. What better moment to revisit than this one? The one where we all just knew these two were embarking on something new (only they didn’t, not in the way we’d hoped)? Like, it’s a seemingly insurmountable task but I know Norman and Melissa have it in them again. The real question is: do the writers?
Judith and RJ bonding with Aunt Carol and her telling them stories of the old days and all the people they didn’t get to meet. What better way to foster our nostalgia and make us remember why we fell in love with this show and its characters in the first place?
More Carol and Dog because those scenes in Diverged were the epitome of precious.
More Princess. Princess’s “meet and greets” with all our community members, yes. But Princess’s first meeting and assessment of Carol and Daryl. Methinks she’d have something mighty interesting and enlightening to say.
All this angst for Daryl and Carol eventually building to a head and Kang finally delivering on that “heart to heart” she mentioned what feels like a million and one years ago.
Aaron and Gracie scenes because Aaron is such a good daddy, ya’ll.
Rosita continuing to have significant screen time and not having to step back into the shadows just because Maggie is back.
Speaking of, I’m glad Maggie is back. I really am. For the simple fact that Baby Hershel is the cutest alone. But I’m not happy that everybody so far seems so ready to just defer to her when they’ve been perfectly fine making it without her. That is not okay and that shit needs to stop soon-ish.
Hershel making fast friends with Judith and RJ and Gracie and all the Jabila kids. They’re the next generation, ya’ll. I just really need this.
More Jerry and Nabila, please. Because I have a special soft spot for my Jabila.
Jerry and Ezekiel scenes. Because Jerry is Ezekiel’s person and the truest bond he has on the show.
Kelly and Lydia striking up a friendship because Kelly’s a sweet cinnamon roll and Lydia is in desperate need of friends.
More scenes of Lydia, period, and not just her seeking out Negan because they both feel like outcasts. Lydia was raised in Hell. Negan wreaked Hell. It’s different and I don’t appreciate the heavy-handedness of Angela trying to make Negan into something he has no right to be. Leave him at an antihero if you must persist but stop trying to convince us he’s earned his place as a good guy because he hasn’t. JDM may have risen to the challenge of making him a much more compelling, shades of gray character these past two seasons, but Negan is still the guy that gleefully bashed Glenn’s head in with a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat and if he’s not going to show remorse about it? The least he can do is show the common sense not to go out of his way to antagonize Maggie.
Kelly reuniting with Connie and Carol getting to have a hand in doing in. Some acknowledgment from Connie that she chose to go back into the cave with Magna would be nice but ultimately not necessary because I don’t think Connie blames Carol at all.
Dog surviving the season unscathed and getting all the cuddles he deserves.
The not-so-rosy truth about Leah being exposed and Daryl making his choice clear once and for all. Spoiler alert? Leah doesn’t even rank.
I’d love the fake dating/fake marriage trope to be trotted out at the good old Commonwealth with Carol and Daryl because I think it would be so much freaking fun and hey. If Kang is going to continue to give us fanfic (unknown child, a la Rick and Michonne), why not try out a true blue?
Some freaking clue as to why/how Rosita and Father Gabe hooked up. Like I just don’t get it, especially when you consider Siddiq was RIGHT THERE. The amount of distrust Rosita and the rest of Team Family had in him back in the early days of their arriving in Alexandria. I just find it hard to wrap my mind around this relationship when it wasn’t even on the radar pre-time jump.
That said, Father Gabe did have a great scene with Judith in (what was then) the Season Finale where he gave her a message for Rosita and I did find it touching. So I dunno, ya’ll. I could be persuaded. But not all that easily.
Some resolution to the whole Virgil thing. Talk about your random characters in the right place at the right/wrong time. Him promising his wife flowers every day touched me but come the fuck on.
More Carol and Lydia scenes and more Carol and Kelly scenes because Carol with these young ladies gives me life. You know what? Carol getting to interact with and have friendship with any and all of the ladies gives me life and should be a regular thing. Like TPTB missed the opportunity of a lifetime having Carol and Michonne sharing all kinds of bonding scenes. It would have been so poignant to watch them relate to each other over their lost children.
Can we please get some Commonwealth scenes where the kids of Alexandria learn how to be actual kids? I mean, not that they aren’t already, but I’d love to see them have the chance to be carefree and have fun. You know, though, that Jude is definitely going to be a tough little nut to crack, and she’s always going to be keeping one eye open for trouble.
Speaking of Commonwealth, I’d love to see all our faves dolled up, lol. Yes, it’s a rather shallow wish, but can you imagine Carol in a simple but beautiful dress and Daryl utterly tongue-tied to the point that the kids--Lydia, Judith, and RJ--just start giggling uncontrollably and Carol and Daryl both blush? Because I can and it is glorious.
Let the villains villain. Not everyone needs to be redeemed. Some people are just too far gone.
You know what? It’s past time to let Carol in particular unpack some of her trauma and cast it aside so she can move on that future Daryl keeps reminding her they have. She and Daryl are way overdue for a heart to heart where she just opens up a vein and lets it all flow. It’s the only way she’s going to be able to heal and move on, IMHO.
Some indication that Rick and Michonne and the Grimes babies and the rest of their family (Carol, Daryl, etc.) are going to be reunited.
The promise of at least a chance of a happy ending for everyone we’ve watched and loved these last 10+ years.
There’s more. There’s always more, lol. But that’s enough for now. As I think of things I just really, really need to see? I’ll come back to this list. Because hey. Like I said. I did one of these for Season 10 and I got way more of them than I ever could have anticipated so.
#The Walking Dead#Season 11 hopes and wishes and dreams#Caryl#Carol x Daryl#Carol Peletier#Daryl Dixon#really all of our faves#I want this season to be so emotionally satisfying#not devastating#sometimes those two things can be one and the same#sometimes nah#things that make me smile and cry#for reasons
64 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
goldenbollywood
Golden Bollywood
gafocat589-blog
Untitled
hookallison
Untitled
service-former-someone-whose
Untitled
rulesxunbroken
they simply bent to my power