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theworstbob · 6 years

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yellin’ at songs, week forty-four

reviewing the billboard debuts from 11.08.1997 11.10.2007 11.11.2017

11.8.1997

32) "Spice up Your Life," by Spice Girls

There was a Spice Girls movie made. We don't talk about this enough, but at one point, someone looked at Spice Girls and came up with an idea for a feature-length film. We don't do this with modern pop stars, but I'm sitting here listening to this song I never wanted to listen to, and now I'm wondering, what would a Lil Uzi Vert movie look like? I may find him uninterestingly dark, but I at least find something in him worth remarking on. I think that's enough for a feature-length film based on his works. It'd be the black Donnie Darko. That might be worthwhile, certainly more worth exploring than any of his songs, or this Spice Girls song you already knew was bad.

60) "Breaking All the Rules," by She Moves

This is the shallow bouncy pop music I signed up for. I never wanted 21 Savage. I just wanted subtly sexual pop songs I'd forget about seconds after listening to them. I wanted songs by artists for whom the dance moves mattered as much as the vocal work. Not Imagine Dragons, never Imagine Dragons. This. Solid stupid fun. I'm going to write my Congressman a link to this YouTube video and urge him to do something.

73) "At the Beginning," by Richard Marx & Donna Lewis

I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I didn't realize, months ago, when I started whatever this was, that I would have to opine on the fucking love theme from the seventh-best Don Bluth movie. I wasn't prepared to think about Anastasia in any way, form, or fashion, ever, for any reason, in my life. Anastasia was a VHS buried deep within the linen closet. I'm pretty sure it was an Easter basket filling. Did anyone else's family do Easter presents? We got chocolate, yeah, of course we got chocolate, just because my parents didn't love each other doesn't mean they were heartless, but my parents said, "I mean... We can't just give them chocolate. They should also get a present. But the present can’t be more than like $15. Hey it's a cartoon about a girl, have fun girl children." This was an afterthought, and now it's a duringthought for me. I don't. It's fine? It's the love theme from a Don Bluth movie, which means it's less well-written and has slightly worse singers and is a degree cheesier than the love theme from a Disney movie, and in the live-action reboot it’ll be covered by the seventh-place finisher from season seven of The Voice and either Nico or Vinz.

76) "I Don't Ever Wanna See You Again," by Uncle Sam

you have no idea how happy it makes me that this is a 1997 joint and not a 2017 joint because a song with this title with this credit would be sooooooooooooooooo much worse. it's bad? but it's not politically bad, it's just bad because an R&B man got a letter. so many '90s r&B songs begin with someone receiving a letter. the dude is now vocalizing over an orchestral swell, if anyone's wondering in what specific way this song is bad.

88) "All of My Days," by Changing Faces ft./Jay-Z

this is cool in the way a lot of '90s r&b is cool. like, there's the over-emotional uncle sam r&b, but then there's the hyper-chill stuff like this, music to which you can kick it, just settle into a groove and listen to again and again. stuff like this is so dope. like, it's chill, but it's compelling enough that you wanna stick with it.

92) "Baby You Know," by The O'Jays

this is the most disappointing thing i've ever heard. you see the artist name, you think, hey, this is gonna be a throwback jam. you don't think that this is going to sound like '90s r&b slo jamz because why would you think that, no one would want to think that because it would be a bad thing. but. that's what this ended up being. this song is what they did instead of buying a leather jacket and a motorcycle.

95) "Kiss the Rain," by Billie Meyers

I needed this after The O'Jays. I'm just gonna try my best to articulate something about the actual music, because gosh the drums on this track do some work. From the start, it's a really cool drum part, but the transition to the guitar solo and then the drumming under "As you fall over me, think of me, only me" are absolutely insane, really sell the climactic moment. Obviously, Billie Meyers is a phenomenal singer, she has as much to do with the moment as the drums, but I just really like drum parts. Apparently the drummer on this track also did the drums for one of the two Avril songs I like. I wish there were more dedicated Wikipedia editors who'd make full discographies for studio musicians, because I'm now curious how many pop songs I enjoy feature Kenny Aronoff's work.

96) "Da Joint," by EPMD

This was OK! I would like to take this time to note EPMD's discography. That is... certainly a thematic throughline. Do you think they got the idea to follow up Strictly Business with Unfinished Business and then felt they were kinda shoehorned in to putting the word Business in every album title? I feel that's what happened. Like, there's no going back after naming album three Business as Usual, and by the way, Business as Usual? HORRIBLE album title. Way to tell fans, "Yeah, this is the same shit as the first two albums. Y'all know the drill." I suppose it's a better title than None of Your Business, but I'd go with something like New Business or Business Is Boomin' or, if they wanted to do a collab with Jeezy, No Business Like Snow Business.

11.10.2007

89) "Watching Airplanes," Gary Allan

just another pop/country song with the word 'truck' in the first line

91) "Low," Flo Rida ft./T-Pain

There are people out there who don't like this song and those people are living the worst lives. What a joyless, horrible existence, feeling anything about this song other than "this is a hot party jam." Like, even when I was a pretentious 18-year-old trying to convince himself and others he liked Bright Eyes, I knew this was an undeniable banger. This is a perfect pop song. It's loud and dumb in all the best ways, disposable without being forgettable, and that hook. That's the sort of hook where, once you come up with it, you have to know you've got something great on your hands.

94) "Winner at a Losing Game," Rascal Flatts

What's the shelf life on a song like this? I'm not trying to make fun of country music here, I'm trying to make fun of any mid-tempo ballad. How much mileage can you derive from some slow song about a break-up? You can find ten or eleven of these on the chart at any given moment, and you can definitely reach a few hundred people who're going through a break-up at the exact time this song comes on, but time passes, and you think about the ex less, then think about the song less, and this isn't the sort of song people are gonna dredge up at karaoke or something ten years later unless they're REALLY not over it, nor are any country stations gonna throw it into any sort of classics bloc because there are, going by Billboard, 21 songs from 2007 alone more notable and the classics bloc only gets an hour, so what life did this song have after 2007? Is this the first time anyone has talked about this song in any way in the last ten years? Again: "Low" was disposable, but it was disposable like a Kodak, you throw it away but keep the memories. This is a wet wipe. It does one thing for three seconds and is flung into a pile where it rests forever.

96) "I'm Like a Lawyer with the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You)," Fall Out Boy

I love that funk-tinged guitar in the verses, that's a dimension of musicality heretofore unheard from Fall Out Boy, and that line "I only keep myself this sick in the head 'cuz I know how the words get you off" is kind of tragic. There's a lot more to this song than being the first Fall Out Boy song to sound like a love song (even if it's not quite that), but I'll save the deep dive for the other, dumber blog I've fallen behind on updating.

97) "Empty Walls," Serj Tankian

Something you realize while watching a music video with very, very subtle references to the Iraq War: there haven't been any political songs in 2017, despite the fact Trump is a significantly worse president than Bush. No one's making protest music. And that's fine, I guess, maybe we don't need pop stars at the vanguard of political change, and we have seen strong performances from Kendrick and Kesha who maybe aren't making protest music but nonetheless are expressing strong beliefs in their music, but there's not a "none of this is OK" song like this. It's kind of a bummer.

99) "Dreaming with a Broken Heart," John Mayer

imagine having to tell yourself that this is a song you are proud of having written and a song you want attached to your name and a song you want people to associate with you from now until the end of your cultural relevance. imagine wanting to be known for making this song. if you're not sure whether or not you're a psychopath, i would recommend closing your eyes and picture yourself receiving a royalty check for this song. what emotion did you feel? if you felt pride, seek therapy.

100) "Another Side of You," Joe Nichols

at least this pop/country song doesn't have the word 'truck' in it. it even says that the girl traded in her sports car for a minivan, and this acknowledgement of a woman's ability to drive makes this maybe the most feminist country song there's ever been by a male artist.

11.11.2017

13) "Gorgeous," by Tay Tay

"There's nothing I hate more than what I can’t have/I guess I’ll just stumble on home to my cats.” Fuck off, dude. I’m glad there’s a Tay Tay single in 2017 that's mostly good, but that line just throws it completely off track. "I'm just a regular girl who's intimidated by hot boys! At least my kitties understand me!" That schtick doesn't work when there's reason to believe you haven't felt an honest human emotion in five years.

50) "Patek Water," by Future & Young Thug ft./Offset 62) "No Cap," by Future & Young Thug 68) "Feed Me Dope," by Future 77) "All Da Smoke," by Future & Young Thug 92) "4 Da Gang," by Future 100) "Three," by Future & Young Thug

I was kinda excited for Super Slimey, but having listened to the album I realize it is wrong to ever be hopeful. The problem with this collaboration is that the two personalities are dissimilar in ways that don't feel complimentary. Future isn't the most unconventional artist; he has a sound of his own, but it's a sound with a clear place in hip-hop's evolution, part of a direct line, whereas Young Thug is just his own thing. Future's great because he's direct and blunt, you never leave a Future song unsure of what the song was, and Young Thug is great because he's completely out there and doing his own thing, and these are not complementary traits.

61) "Meant to Be," by Bebe Rexha & Florida Georgia Line

i wished so hard and so long for a duet, i must have made a thousand wishes on a thousand monkeys' paws, and the ONE TIME i forgot to make sure the paw wasn't cursed is the time the wish came true

84) "Candy Paint," by Post Malone

"God damn, I love paper, I'm like Michael Scott" "Baby I'm the boss, like I'm Tony Danza" Someone get Post Malone more current pop culture references. I also find "You don't know me, homie, you don't want war" to be a toothless threat given that Post Malone's songs to this point have all been about how he loves to smoke weed and feel bad about himself. Like, I don't doubt that Post Malone could take me in a fight, I'm weak and my leg sometimes hurts for no reason, but I do doubt his willingness to actually fight me. You could poke Post Malone in the arm for at least 20 minutes before he half-heartedly tried to swat your hand away, then he’d immediately resume napping because there’s nothing in this world he cares about except getting enough sleep.

88) "Wolves," by Selena Gomez x Marshmello

"I've been running through the jungle/I've been running with the wolves/To get to you." ...Um? Hey. Guys? Look. I know, we're all just trying to have fun, this is pop music, we're trying to keep it light, trying to keep it breezy, these are just sounds we're hoping will please as many people as possible, could you PLEASE not say wolves live in the jungle. Could you not do that. Could you find a better animal for this line in the song.

98) "Bedroom Floor," by Liam Payne

I liked this. It's not like the best song in the world, but it's breezy, it has a nice line in the chorus, and Liam Payne makes a telephone noise multiple times and I think that's delightful. Not everything can be a titanic, world-changing pop music event. Sometimes, you just want a hot boy to make telephone noises. This song hits that incredibly specific spot in my heart.

Who won the week?

Not 2017 because the best song was the “hot boy makes telephone noises” song. Um... I hate to be uncreative here, but I think 1997 had the best total offering. I’d be willing to hear an argument for “Low” deserving much more consideration than I’m giving it, but you also have to argue that everything 2007 offered is better than everything 1997 had to offer, and if you gave me a choice between Spice Girls and the three 2007 country songs, I am cursing whatever put me in this position and going with Spice Girls. 1997: best overall song this week, least bad support.

Current standings: 1997: 18 2007: 12 2017: 14 With five wins in the last six weeks and eight weeks left in this incredibly essential project, 1997′s starting to pull away. But there’s hope for the other years yet, as 1997 offers no classics, whereas 2007 has one song I remember! 2017 has very 2017 things. 2017 is gonna 2017 it up, no doubt.

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