january 12th, 2018 - 6:24 pm

tomorrow i head back to millyvegas, meaning order in my life will soon be restored again. i get to sleep next to my person every night again, i get back jnto a routine, and most importantly- i'll be happy again. at least alot happier than i am when i am home.

it has been a month of supressed feelings, a weed binge to keep me from being so bored, and the depressed aura that lingers in my household and amongst my family. i know that this semester will be very, very different from the last. so much has changed.

i finally established where i am with my relationship, if you would even call it that. i feel like any other time, i wouldbe very angry and confused being in my position. i am usually an all or nothing kind of person, so being in this odd state where you don't know exactly where you stand, or how the other person feels, would usually annoy the fuck out of me.

but honestly, it has been the best and most stress free thing ever. we have a silent understanding of one another, and neither of us are dependent on one another, so it's mostly like i really just enjoy being around him. he makes me laugh, and he's unlike any other guy i know in the sense that i can actually talk to him and toss ideas around that he will actually understand and reply to. i feel like within the past month the trust i have in him has grown so much, and i am starting to see more and more that he really cares about me. i hope he knows just how much i care for him too.

he's such a special human being. he has a brain full of intellectual ideas but will only share when provoked or when it betters a conversation. he can feel the vibe of other people and he is amazing at reading one's emotions. he's emotionally supportive, and he can make anyone in the room laugh. he is the most unique person ever and i love the fuck out of him.

but not in a love love thing. like i love him, but i am not in love with him. this is something i say to him on a regular basis. in my last realtionship, i really did think i was in love with him. i told him that, and at the time i really did think that. but it's amazing how much someone can change in a few months. his admiration for me turned into unappreciation. his protection turned to maipulation. and my love was then realized to just be infatuation. i have found that over the years it is very easy for me to leave a person or relationship with little to no sadness or guilt. i think it is really easy to cut people out of my life, but most of the time i cut things short before someone else gets the chance to hurt me. that's what i have done every time thus far.

but i don't want to give up on this one. i really see him as a good friend to me and i would be more distraught about losing him as a friend than anything. however, i can't deny that the sexual attraction is what began the relationship and is a focal point in it now even.

i think it is super important in a relationship to set boundaries and not take each other for granted. i see way too many couples who are constantly with each other, texting 24/7 if they aren't in one anothers presence, etc. how does one live like that? my best friend looks through her boyfriends phone, thats fucked! i could never be in a relationship in which my significant other felt that he had the right to go through my persoanl belongings or treat me like property. i think being away from your s.o. strengthens the bond between the two, and alllowing that personal time lets you still be yourself. i don't even understand how you wouldn't not want to be alone every once in a while.

i am soooo excited to see my friend summer tomorrow! she will most likely be hanging out in 1211 now, so that means i won't be the only girl in the house now! yay lol.