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missflurry · 2 years

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3, 8, and 13 for the nhie ask game ❤️

Thank you for these questions :D I took it waaaaaaayyyy to seriously haha. You can skip to whatever you want to read! I just really like writing and analyzing :P

3. Do you ship Daxton or Benvi? And why?

Here I will explain A) why I don't ship Daxton and B) why I do ship Benvi!

A >> Why don’t I ship Daxton?

For starters, I do think Paxton is cool and I really like how he’s growing as a person, just like Devi is! But even with that growth, I just don’t see it working.

Paxton and Devi for sure have an interesting connection, but rewatching the show made me really question why people ship them. Is it only because Paxton is so hot? Because…

I found him (too) hands-on on wanting to kiss Devi (suddenly kissing her without consent while picking up trash, climbing through her window), but very passive when it comes to talking about the emotional connection. He even ignores her in season 2 and wants to hide her as a secret. Of course he comes back from that, yay! But then…

When he breaks up with her in season 3, I think it’s very mature that he sees that Devi has to work on herself and especially on her insecurity. BUT I do think that break-up was really rushed. Maybe talk about it first? I feel like this was the first bump in their relationship and he just gave up on it. I feel like Ben would’ve handled it differently. He would’ve tried to connect with her and go to the core of why she’s feeling that way. Maybe even some creative bantering or adding a competition for gamification of the problem. Of course someone else shouldn’t “fix” you, but this for me is just one example of ‘Paxton only wants to be with Devi when she isn’t “crazy Devi”.’

I think Devi telling Paxton that ‘he was her dream’ is SO powerful. It gets hinted in mainly the first two seasons that Devi takes breadcrumbs from Paxton and in the process lets her friends down. Even the narrator is like: “Ben drove her to the beach but Paxton LEFT HER A VOICEMAIL.” I feel like the series is set up for her to realize that Paxton is 'just' a dream. Pining over Paxton is heavily intertwined with Devi’s grief. She even writes she wants to have sex him in the grieving journal. She’s filling a hole of pain, of missing her dad, with these nice feelings of an over-romanticized crush. Her realizing that she cares about Paxton, but that she idolized (being with) him because she just needed it so much at that time, is such character growth and I love it.

I feel like a possible relationship between Paxton and Devi would be just like the dynamics in season 2, where Devi jokingly plays his ‘Indian Mom’. Paxton still needs to figure out his identity a whole lot more (I hope this is a storyline in season 4!), and I’m afraid that when he’s a college freshman and Devi is still in high school, he might feel ‘held back’ in discovering that identity and she would be disappointed in the lack of attention he has for her, triggering her insecurity.

B >> Why do I ship Benvi?

I just love them soooo much together. Their chemistry is OFF THE RAILS. Their banter is everything. I look forward to every scene with them, also because Ben is my favorite character. Jaren Lewison (the actor) adds so much to the character, and you see and feel how deeply Devi moves him.

They kind of have the same drive in life and they challenge each other, but can also team up. This last thing is especially important in a relationship I think.

Ben is relationship material. He is all in and he has Devi’s back.

Ben loves Devi for who she is. Even in her worst moments, he cares for her. He’s also not afraid to call her out. Some people might find him too mean with the whole tattoo thing, but I stood by him (keeping in mind that he’s a 16-year-old-boy). She really hurt him, and it would be weird if he just brushed over that because he really cares about her. Paxton on the other hand moved on pretty quickly. It was easier for him, because he didn’t even make the relationship official and wasn’t ‘all in’.

Even though they have some communication issues and I think they can be more open with each other, I feel like Ben and Devi have way more heartfelt emotional conversations. Their relationship is not only about “oh my gosh he’s hot”, but way more about deeper feelings.

The crush Devi had on Paxton was more of a projection of her grief and need for positive feeling, but her crush on Ben has the ‘stomach knots’.

The. Fucking. Banter. I. Love. It.

I DO hope that in season 4 we see more of Devi having Ben’s back, because we see a lot of support on Ben’s side (welcoming her in his house, driving her to the beach, comforting her in the bathroom while she’s crying) but not so much on Devi’s side. I want Devi to show Ben that she’s all in too.

In conclusion: I really don’t get why people ship Daxton, I really like Benvi because of the banter and emotional connection, I’m also okay with a TeamDevi ending!

8. What is your most unpopular opinion?

I really really really really really hope that Ben and Devi won’t have sex in the beginning of season 4. Is that an unpopular opinion?

I just really don’t think Devi is emotionally ready for it yet! I also don’t like the idea of them getting so close while there is so much left unspoken between them!

I would love it if it went something like this… [random bad fanfiction incoming]

While Devi and Ben are kissing, Ben sits them down on the edge of the bed, but Devi goes for it and pushes him on the bed. 'Now is the moment,' she thinks. 'The moment I’m finally gonna lose my virginity.' She starts freaking out a little, and it shows in how they act with each other. It’s adorkably awkward. Ben gets stuck in his T-shirt or something like that. Devi is still freaking out but trying to battle through it, when Ben suddenly stops her. “David… Devi… Can we just maybe, talk for like a moment?” Devi is relieved and she sits up. “What’s up?” Ben is visibly blushing. “I just… I think we should talk before we…. I know I gave you that note but I just… Honestly… Never thought you would give it back to me.” He sighs. “I was ready to do this. I just don't know if I can do this casually, knowing you’ll leave. That’s just… I think it's too hard for me.” Devi sighs, relieved. “We can talk. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want… I just really wanted to be with you and I found the note in my pocket and…” “You can be with me, even when you don’t cash your erm, free boink.” “I’d like that.”

Of course there would have to be more banter. But I just think it would be really cool for a show to portray a guy being vulnerable and not wanting to have sex just at a random second! And I think it’s best for Devi to not rush into something that is so emotionally impacting.

13. What season finale has been your favorite so far?

I LOST it at the end. So that one is definitely up there.

I also REALLY liked Devi trying to impress the guys in the theater cafe and the camera going to Ben with his fucking grin and saying “God David, that was pathetic. Are you the charity we are raising money for?”

LOVED IT. Especially him showing up there, knowing that Devi wanted to kiss someone.

I hope someone reads this xD

#never have I ever #benvi #benvi fanfiction #devi x ben #devi #devi vishwakumar #never have I ever spoilers #ask #me

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ay-chuu · 1 year

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hi! i would like to join the matching/shipping event for the bsd fandom please :DD

I'm an ISTP and a libra girl. I like reading books (i have a never ending tbr list :,)) and trying out new hobbies like playing the piano, gardening, origami, journalling but those only lasts like 3 days and I eventually forget about them. Oh and right now I'm on a quest to complete the bnha mangas that I have (rip wallet </3). Hmmmm its hard to pick a favorite movie :,) but I'll go with Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2, I really like how Gamora and Nebula's relationship as sisters were much more explored. As for songs, I'm not sure what the genre is called but I like Bayonetta's songs especially the Moon River remix. I hate hate HATE insects especially roaches, uncooperative group mates, and people who intentionally cross personal boundaries just for laughs (a classmate of mine was pushing himself close to me which was making me uncomfrtable).

My friends describe me as chaotic, loud, stubborn, overachiever, but sweet and mature when I need to be. They say I kin akutagawa and bakugo and that I have a superiority and inferiority complex D: I'm also a hard worker, I managed to become the top 2 student in the class :D but since I'm busy with school work I forget to eat and take a bath sometimes haha :,) Oh right, my love language is words of affirmation. I will cry if someone compliments me, doesn't matter if it's something simple like "I like your pants!" I WILL tear up and struggle to say thank you.

That's all! Thank you for your time and stay safe out there !! <33

Hi love thanks for your wishes and kindness! (っ◔◡◔)っ ❤

ALSO GURL SAME :O I TRY TO BUY ALL BNHA MANGAS RIP MY WALLET TOO T^T

I match you with... (っ＾▿＾)💨

SAKUNOSUKE ODA!

First, Libra and Scorpio are a very romantic couple in general. They are attached to their passions and therefore get along well. ISTP and INFJ couple is a type of married old couple KKJSKLDFJGLDF Because INFJ is usually the mature side to everything and ISTP knows very well how to get they out of their shell and have fun.

Odasaku likes that you take up a hobby quickly and quit because he wants to live him life as much as possible since he comes from a bad past, so your fullness of life is the reason for his happiness :( and he makes sure you take care of yourself.Sometimes he thinks about you even though he's strict about it.

He feels peace when he's with you and that's what he likes most about you, as long as you can't make yourself sad and hurt, he supports your ambitions in life and always tries to help :( You know that he is doing his best.

The only problem in your relationship is that sometimes you wear yourself out and don't care about the relationship. You may not be doing this on purpose but it's upsetting him and he seriously doesn't even know how to talk about it with you. In the end, after some break , you run to him and you always make up. However, please don't forget to take care of yourself, spend more time in your relationship sometimes and Oda is a delicate person! :D

Some of the memories I dream of for you: Going to the secondhand manga store together and collecting with you, the illustrations you made for Oda's book and your laughs, the hours spent in the cafe together and the kissing each other, the result of your success running to Oda, wrapping your arms around him, and going to the zoo together. always protect you from bugs when you go <3

#by.aychu #matching/shipping event!#odasaku #odasaku x reader #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd odasaku #oda sakunosuke

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mtsilvermute · 2 years

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Last night I had a nightmare. We don't have to talk about it.

This past day has been stressful. I responded to an email I didn't want to receive. I still haven't reached out to Will. I still haven't checked the trails.

And I'm starting to have an identity crisis over my Pokemon's movesets.

Over the last six months, I've noticed that people have started to move away from the hazard-based combat styles that came to prominence over the last 5 years. The popularization of hazard moves like Stealth Rock in mid-10's conferences spawned two schools of thought: Either devote training time to learning type-coverage moves to minimize the need for switching, or get a Rapid Spinner (or any other hazard-removing Pokémon). Younger Trainers gravitated towards the latter, as they believed that Stealth Rock was here to stay - and because younger Trainers are more likely to train a PC box's worth of Pokemon and switch between them depending on the tournament. Younger Trainers are also more likely to read objectivity into their Pokemon, thinking less about their bonds and more about the ceilings of their moves, which engenders a lot of [roster] rotation. Yet many seasoned Trainers - myself included, I suppose - understood that Stealth Rock's power could be mitigated by seriously bonding with whichever of your Pokemon were strongest against it. I spent months exposing Blastoise to Stealth Rock in particular to prepare him for that era, and I never had to teach him Rapid Spin.

As more and more people are diverging from hazard-based combat, I'm starting to rethink the usage of my Pikachu. Pikachu's greatest asset is his speed, whereas he lacks defensive prowess. I've always been a vocal (hah...) supporter of Volt Switch, so I'm no stranger to a trickier combat style, but I think it might be time to take that strategy to its logical conclusion. Maybe I should try Fake Out? Leading on Pikachu and getting two guaranteed hits before switching sounds great to me. But a new concern arises: How accustomed to rapid-switching should I train my other Pokemon to bolster this new strategy? Or maybe I'm overthinking things, and I don't even need to concern myself with the semantics of "switching," as I'd be doing it just as often as I am right now?

I do think I'm overthinking things. But... on the other hand, writing all this out has been very cathartic and exciting for me. I really do love battling and I want to do more of it soon. You'd think I'd grow tired of it - and yes, my previous comments on "complacency" still stand - but I still get an adrenaline rush sending out that first Pokemon no matter how small the challenge may be. I just had to step away for a bit to walk off the excitement running through my body, so maybe this is a sign to both sign off and to write about theory more often.

I'll heed both bits of advice and get back to reading. Goldenrod University just dropped the most recent edition of its "Training & Technology" journal, and it contains articles on recent advances in tournament tech to better accommodate water Pokemon on-stage. I'm excited to peruse the contents of this one. I hope this journal of mine doesn't get jealous that I read other "journals," haha, at least in the academic sense of the term. Please know that I love you all the same.

#red's journal

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dergeistvond · 1 year

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Regards to the besties that read Herumwüten - I probably will never rewrite it but looking through my drafts here is possibly my favourite thing I wrote for it: que me & the proxies going to McDonalds. @/yeschelseabuns has like 3 edits of her being the cashier and it's the funniest shit this fandom saw ever. Now Herumwüten, and this silly installment were all written in this spring so it may not be the best thing ever (it's bad imo) since 1st person pov isn't my cup of tea and neither was this one written very seriously. Still it's a silly little thing and I'd like for it to be seen. (It hasn't seen the sunlight since mfkin March I think)

⟪ It’s been a month since I’ve moved into the manor. Can’t say I’ve been doing much since then – maybe sewing a lot more to kill time. I’d love talk to more people from here but I just completely stagnate when it gets to it haha. Natalie’s been nice enough check in some times and stay for a while with me and Toby. He’s been really the only one I’ve been clinging to, coming in daily and just be a fool with me. He’s been taking the bed sometimes, I’d sleep on the windowsill, don’t mind it though, he only does it when he’s drop-dead tired - I’d feel bad get him move. I’ve been lending him my clothes sometimes as well, thank C. we’re same height, bandaged him at times. He’s like, my kid now I guess, I don’t care about the fact he’s older, I love him like that I suppose.

In return, he’s been trying make connections for me, correcting people that call me the wrong terms, speaking for me even - I guess just trying to make my move in easier. I’ve been pestering the Proxies obviously, can’t say it’s been well or bad, just awkward. It’s not like I don’t like them, I just can’t say a thing. Am I autistic? Is there something wrong with ⟫ a faint knock on my door made me drop the pen I’ve been noting down my thoughts with, “Come in!” I announce, seeing my boy walk through hesitant, closing the door behind. “-You’ll take your gear off when you talk to me.” I state further, hearing a faint sigh before he pulled down his mask, raising his goggles over his bangs.

“-What’s the matter, sales went down?” I crack a smile at my own joke, looking up at him from my cursive, mild discomfort on his scarred face. “Y-yeah, no, buh none… None of that. We’ve uhm, all got ssome time off-“ bone crack. “-fuhck. And uhm, the- the guys they wanna, y’know, er, go somewhere.” Bone crack number two, wherever they’re going it’s making Toby anxious – fidgeting with his fingers when he spoke. I shifted from my pose, sitting on the windowsill, tapping lightly the place beside. He sat down, broken noises between curses under his breath audible. “Alright.” “And they’re – they’re going by uhm, they’re going by c’car.”

Oh. I’m sorry. It’s obvious why you’re upset. It’s so clear why you’re shaking and tapping your foot like that. I,

I pulled him close, there was no way in Hell I’m leaving him like this, twitching – no, convulsing like that. “It’s going to be fine, you know Chief’s watching over us… You don’t have to go, y’know, democracy.” He pushed away at the joke, looking in mild disgust with those glazed eyes, “ye-yeah right.” “You wanna be afraid all your life?” “I buh– I don’t see you going to any medic either!” Fair enough, no need be snappy ‘bout it. “Do you think she’d want you to be afraid? Do you think she’d be happy with you like this?”

Maybe I should’ve kept measures of my words, receiving the heaviest slap right across the face I’ve got in my life so far. Suits me right, but I ain’t taking it back. With that he simply got up, and left. Very well then, go cry about it.

Maybe Robyn was right about me, just a thought. But now she’s dead anyway… Yeah, cool, alright, fine! I sighed, dropping my journal in exchange of putting on my sneakers, before getting up to brush my short hair and putting on my coat. If he wants to be like that, fine. None of my business, let him be.

I left my room finally, looking around the hall. Should’ve asked if they’re waiting for me before deciding to pull that stunt – it’s fine. It’s fine. Nobody on the hall, and although it makes me feel meek, I decided knock on the much dreaded door of my superiors. No response… No response? Alright. Erhm, they gotta be out then.

Out it is then. I bumped into Nina on the stairs, letting out a mumbled sorry but God did it feel horrible. Even shittier considering I like her – she seems fun, been blasting every Saturday morning Ke$ha and Flo Rida like a club in 2012. Whatever, whatever, it’s nothing. Just gotta focus on the bright side, right? Yeah, one day at a time like [[pƎ┴Ɔ∀pƎɹ]] told me to all those years ago. God, if [[pƎ┴Ɔ∀pƎɹ]] would’ve been here, he’d love the place. I sprinted down the rest of the manors halls, making sure the guys didn’t leave without me… I just realized I’m not actually invited. Ah, fuck it! Brian’s nice enough take me in.

Much to my surprise the first person to be standing outside the car was the same who just gave me the smack of my years, shaking, but still standing there regardless. Did he tell them to wait for me? That’s, nice… Manipulative piece of shit, he wants me to feel bad! It seemed Bri- Hoodie, fuck, parenthesis - I should stop calling them on names like we’ve known each other for years. He’s already inside the small vehicle, taking the driver’s spot, while the man with the porcelain face leaned onto the opposite door, discarding of what used to be a cigarette, stomping lightly on it before dragging his mask back on, letting the smoke flow out under it.

“Are you sure you want to come Rogers? We know you hate driving-“ “I’m fine.” Stubborn – yet deceiving nobody, his body didn’t allow it; Keeping on cracking his phalanxes. “Just making sure.” And with that Masky got the spot beside our driver. I took a glance over at Toby, he wasn’t there – mentally at least. I would’ve wanted put my hand on his shoulder wake him up from the trance, but I stopped myself, some reason I didn’t understand either. It didn’t matter, it did the job anyway. He walked sheepishly into the back of the car, and for once I couldn’t tell what was going on with him. I entered lastly, taking the place beside the other window, instinctively reaching for my pockets to grab my phone and earphones. Yeah… forgot, we have no connection to the outside world except for maybe the ⟪family PC⟫ and whatever tech Ben had in his room.

Well that’s a bummer. “- Tell us if you want to slow down the car, alright?” The masked man turned back to us one more time, getting a nod from Toby before turning back. With that the engine finally started running. I tried ignore the way Toby clutched onto the leather of the backseat like his life depended on it, or the way he tried hide the way he was rapidly breathing, or the way his eyes got watery underneath his goggles. Man, I’m not sure if I’m being a son of a bitch or if he’s exaggerating.

Probably both, honestly.

“Ar’ aren’t you guys putting on your seatbelts!?” He squeaked like a dog’s chew-toy, I mean, I never wore the seatbelt, whether I trusted the driver or not, it was a risk I was assuming for comfort, let’s be real everyone does that. “C’mon little man, the car isn’t going to blow up!” It was Hoodie’s time to do the negotiating with him, although he got no response out of that. I guess silence is better than being lectured on road safety. I mean, how safe is it for a schizophrenic, a taxidermist, a guy with several neurological disorders and Brian to be in the same car? Exactly.

The drive is relatively quiet so far, snickers from the front, yet the same tense atmosphere here in the back. At this point I’m not bothering anymore, I’m too far in thought. It’s exactly as it used to be before I left home, joyriding and looking out the window, getting lost in memories and scenarios while seeing the world through glass. I’d be lying to say I didn’t miss this – They guys anyway remind me of some relatives, not someone specific, they just seem like they’d be part of my distant family.

My train of thought crashed like a train once I’ve been called out to, not by name, but definitely called to. “Hey, Mini Leatherface, could you hand over that bag from the back?” Hoodie called out, precisely. I did as asked, watching as he took out a CD with some marker notes on it, popping it into the car’s CD player. Finally, some music. Hopefully something good. “We still got nothing to call her, uh, him?” “Nope.” Damn I wish they did though, would’ve made moving in easier having some title. “Can’t be that hard – Are you kids alright there in the back if I smoke?” “Fine by me.” I huffed, seemed like the question was addressed more towards me anyway. I’d rather not have Masky, or anyone really know even the smoke is reminding me of home, usually I’d feel bad thinking about it, but not now. Don’t know what’s with now, but I’m fine, unlike a certain someone.

It’s nice just, losing touch of reality, exactly my reality which is, let’s be honest just my pessimism blinding me, but not now. Not now, with people laughing at inside jokes I don’t understand, with the constant speed blurring the view ever so slightly, I “We’re all getting the same thing or do you guys want something else than the happy meal and nuggets?” “Brian, we have food at home!” Masky butted in, “I’m getting you an apple pie.” “Fine.” He grumbled, laughing at his own defeat.

“Toby? You okay?” I ask, remembering I wasn’t alone in the car with these two; He’s been so quiet you could barely tell he’s there. Words falling to deaf ears it seems, he’s been gazing down at back of the driver’s chair since we left it seems, hands dangerously close to his lips - terminally lost. Did I really put a man in maybe one of the worst scenes he could relive? No! Obviously not, we’re just going to Mcdonalds! He’s straight up ruining the mood – not cool man, not cool. I shook him, getting angry. “-Answer me.” “Wh’ what?” “Get your fingers away from your mouth, I just know you’ll chew through your mask.” I add, knowing he’d straight up tear at his flesh if he got the chance. “R’right.” “You’re holding up well, y’know?” But lies, well, sometimes I gotta lie I guess, anything for the mood! A small hum in response. “I uhm, I feel sick.” “Well uhh, try look through the front window. Learnt from my cousin, she’s got motion sickness.” I brag, obviously. “Do-don’t wanna.” Okay stop playing such pissy bitch and listen to me before I grab you by the hair and pull you to look- “Lay down. You can’t see the road I guess, helped my nosebleed once.” I’ve had it with this guy. I give my good advice and you just, defy it? Not listen to me??

Finally, he shifted from being as stiff as a plank to half laying onto the whole of the backseat, including using my leg as a pillow. Not weirdest shit I’ve put up to. Supposing as long as he doesn’t pass out it’s fine. “Don’t put your hands on your chest, only dead people lay like that.” I tried get a cackle at least, “Y-you lay like, lay like that!” I mean, he’s not wrong. “You heard him guys, t’is but my Last Supper.” “Can we not talk about the dead now!?” Maybe I changed my mind, I guess grief isn’t really something to be mad at. “I have to agree with Rogers on this one. Wouldn’t want the cashier think we’re attending funerals.” Wait we’re already at the drive through? So it seemed, hearing the window roll down. “Everyone shush for a second! Could I have four happy meals, four six pieces and an apple pie?”

“-Thank you!” Truth be said, I wasn’t hungry, but it’d be disrespectful refuse considering I didn’t pay for anything and the food was already in my hand. “We’re not going home like, right now after this, right?” I ask, the thought coming mechanically. As much of a pain going joyriding with Toby was, I’d rather be out there on the road than by the windowsill of my room all day like I had been for the previous month. “’Course not, there’s still some time left of the day, and I know just the place!” The energy this man held, damn it’s hard not be happy around Hoodie, it’s like he had some wizard cast a spell for him.

I didn’t know what to expect, at some point the music just got louder and we went on the road. I would’ve honestly expected hate their taste but it’s really songs that grow on you, and if I were bold enough I would’ve actually asked for a tracklist. Not much to say, Toby fucking fell asleep, the Sun’s just about to drop from the sky. Would it be rude eat in the car? It seemed to be really taken care of.

We ended up by some body of water I didn’t recognize, still through the forested area, but this didn’t seem Rosswood, far from it actually. It felt familiar though, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It seemed like [[REDACTED]], I haven’t been here in ages, I used to come by in the Summers as a kid. “Well? Do you like it? I’ve been meaning come here for some time now!” Brian asked cheerfully, getting out of the car, the guys and I following after, well Masky and I. I couldn’t be bothered wake that raccoon up. “It’s a nice view.” “ Oh,I know this place.” I muttered opening the brown bag to get my food out.

“H’hey, why didn’t you guys tell me we stopped moving!?” There he is, awake on his own, lunch in hand. “Was it really that bad if you managed sleep for what, solid 20 minutes?” I asked, ruffling his hair. “Guess, guess not.” He muttered, under the weather. “Listen man, I gotta say it I wasn’t the brightest bring you-know-who into the discussion earlier. If we could move past that, I’d like that but if not, I guess I understand.” There it is, I think an apology. “N-no, you’re right. I didn’t die, guess she wouldn’t had, wouldn’t had wanted me to be afraid all my life.” We sat on the car hood, just looking over at the surroundings as the Sun began to drown, having I guess lunch. “She’s gotta be proud of you.” “You think?” No actually, but it doesn’t hurt anyone be kind. “Yeah… When we get back, think I’ll check by E.J. or Nurse Ann, think it’s time I check out what’s lack of in this vessel.” I mumbled, looking over at the waters, at my superiors beside one another, the sky, anything. “Do you want me to come with, with you?”

“That’d be nice.”

#slenderverse #Creepypasta #slenderverse oc #marble hornets #brian thomas #tim wright #tobias erin rogers #self insert #Hoodie #Masky #ticci toby #The Taxidermist (s.i.)

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my-digi-life · 4 months

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I never used to journal digitally, but I decided this year I would try to do something a little different. So let me introduce myself and give you a little run down:

I’m Arley. I’m 24, soon to be 25. I like to read and write. I want to keep this journal as anonymous as possible so I won’t get into what I do for work specifically, but if I ever need to I will vent about my work (very much a possibility as I work with the public and the public does some stupid shit sometimes). Any other details I deem necessary will be shared as I think of them haha.

Let’s get into some really journaling now:

I’ve made it through another year and it feels a little crazy how different I feel. I started 2023 very depressed and overwhelmed. I was feeling extremely burned out in my undergrad program, but knew I just had to push through because I was due to graduate in May. I was crying every single night and to be honest, I was starting to feel how I felt in the months leading up to my pysch ward visit in 2019.

I’m happy to say I ended the year with 0 psych trips and a shiny new degree in English. I’ve also found a job I love. To be honest, it’s a little hard to reconcile who I was and how I felt in January 2023 with who I am now. I know people say your brain fully developes around the age of 25 and I truly believe my brain did a lot of cooking in the last few months. I find myself calmer and more rational. I’m able to cope with the hits as they come and I’ve settled into a since of acceptance with somethings that used to cause me a lot of distress.

Let’s talk a little bit about yearly goals. I’ve kind of grown away from New Year’s Resolutions since I was a teenager, but I’ve started making some actionable goals for myself. I wanna start by reviewing my 2023 goals and then I will present my 2024 goals.

For 2023, I wanted to:

Prioritize mental health and healing from burnout

I did this! I’ve been taking my therapy more seriously and have been talking through my feelings with my friends and family instead of suffering in silence. I took two months off between school and the start of my first job and spent that time doing things that made me feel so fulfilled. Honestly, just getting out of school made me feel 100 times better. I remember I graduated and one of my besties, we’ll call them Rena, looked at me and said “you’re glowing now that you don’t have class anymore”. It kind of shocked me how right they were and just how miserable I was grinding that way for years.

2. Learn to love writing again

The actionable part of this was simply to start writing again. I actually added over 7k words to my manuscript! However, this has kind of gone to wayside since I started working, just because I don’t have the time anymore. I’m hoping in the following year though to learn to juggle my schedule better so I can do the things I love.

3. Take more photos & videos

This was a goal because I am a deeply sentimental person and I love looking back through photos. I actually did this and I’m so happy I did because I did so much fun shit this year and I never want to forget it.

4. Read 5 nonfiction books

NOPE! I read 1. I was fighting some real demons to get to my reading goal this year, so let’s just be thankful I read anything haha

5. Read more meaningfully

This goal basically just meant to be a little more thoughtful of the books I picked up instead of reading just to hit a goal. I definitely did this and my average rating really reflected it. I picked up a lot more books I ended up loving because I was actually thinking about them instead of just doing it as a means to an end.

6. Journal once a week

……….. No comment……

Okay! Time for 2024 goals! (A lot of these are more health focused)

Stop eating out on your lunch breaks!

I only work 2-3 long shift a week, but I’ve been eating out for every single one. Not is it only a strain on my wallet, but I’ve gained weight and I just don’t feel as good. I don’t want to make any goals directly related to my weight because those tend to go awry for me (ED girly here), instead I want to make goals that prioritize general health and feeling good.

2. Go to the gym at least 2 times a week.

I’m starting with just 2 days because I fear if I make it higher, I’m going to be setting myself up for failure. I pass this gym on my way to and from work so I think it’ll be easier to convince myself to go than it used to be. I’m gunna try working out after my shifts since it’s open 24/7, but if I need to, I’ll switch it to before my shift.

3. Read 60 books

I set a reading goal every year, even if I don’t put it in my written yearly goals. My goal in 2023 was 40 and I read 63. My goal for 2022 was 52 and I ended up reading 109, so I’m not too concerned about hitting this goal.

4. Watch more movies this year

Another goal I had in 2023 that I just didn’t write down. I don’t really watch movies instead I usually just watch brain rot TV shows that require 0 attention. However, I had a good time in 2023 looking for movies to watch. I also got to watch some that had been on my list for years! I actually got really into the whole Saw franchise and I have 0 regrets. Even developed a new hyperfixation with the Scream franchise (fuck SpyGlass Entertainment and fuck Scream VII tho).

5. More trips with friends!

My friend, Alyssa, has a goal to take more day trips in 2024. Day trips, vacations, or whatever, I just want to make more memories with the people I truly love!

That’s it for now! I’ll see you when I see you.

Hum and kiss from your friend,

#digital journal #digital diary #diary entry #online diary #my diary #tumblr diary #journaling #journal entry #my journal #my digital life #my-digi-life #first post #new years resolution #new years goals #2024 goals #2023 goals #2024 resolutions #2023 resolutions

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weightingonit21 · 1 year

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Hey listen, I’ve NEVER been one to keep up on a blog. Or a journal. Or any type of writing. But here we are, embarking on yet another weight loss journey. So I’m going to write about it. Keep myself held accountable, if you will. My mama suggested it and I think it could help. Backstory? Sure. Thanks for asking. Haha.

I’ve been overweight most of my life. Definitely all of my adult life. I was thin and healthy once. I was 16. Went to the gym twice a day. Fit into a size 11. Trust me, with my bone structure…that’s a very small size. I wore the BEST prom dress. I was healthy. Then BAM, at 17, I decided to take an antibiotic to help clear a TINY bit of acne. 3 weeks later I was in the hospital. Then diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension as a side effect of the antibiotic. Unreal. To be honest I’m still in shock. I��m almost 30. Anyway, this rocked my world. More pills and side effects than I care to go into. Landed myself in the ICU for a little while. So much crap, really. Too much to go into and it gets boring and redundant anyway. Flash forward 23 SUCCESSFUL spinal taps and like 150 pounds. I’ve gotten married, made two incredible humans, and moved across the country multiple times. We moved to California to save my life with medical marijuana. It truly did save my life. It lowers the spinal fluid that took my vision and hearing. Did I mention I was blind, deaf, and bed-ridden in Texas? No? Missed that. Sorry. Anyway. California changed my life. Then we moved to Colorado about 4 years ago. Since then my weight has just been getting higher in number. I was put on medications for Bipolar Disorder. Thank you, Jesus. Because it helps immensely. But WOW the amount of weight it made me gain is unbelievable. So here we are. Day one of a new way of eating. Small…I mean…tiny portions. Nutrisystem actually. If you’ve never heard of it, look it up because I’m not really going to explain everything about it. But the basic idea is that eating LESS will help you lose weight. If I’m being totally honest with this blog, I’ve considered weight loss surgery. This is my last effort before seriously considering bigger, more unsafe things to lose weight. I figure I can’t die eating less food. I CAN die having weight loss surgery. I CAN from weight loss drug side effects too. So Nutrisystem it is. For now. Soon I will teach my body to eat less and I can meal plan on my own. But at this point, I’ve already tried this on my own. And it’s literally too hard. That may seem ridiculous but my body is overweight and so tired and quite sick. From EDS to the IH, I suffer massive amounts of pain that medical marijuana can’t even touch. I KNOW I can help some of that pain by losing weight. Here we go. Time to lose some of this and feel better. I’ll write everyday, or at least TRY to. Today I ate. And that’s good enough. I’m not going to eat butterfingers and Rice Krispies tonight before bed like normal. And that’s good enough too. These changes are HUGE and I can’t wait to see what the scale says about it all at the end of the week! Today I ate a Turkey sausage and egg English muffin, meatball “hot pocket”, four cheese manicotti, and chocolate cheesecake. All of that sounds so good reading it. It really wasn’t that good. But it tastes better than like dying from being overweight. So. There’s that. Here’s some pictures from junior prom. That perfect dress I spoke of. I actually had gained 15 pounds like RIGHT before prom. But look. I was healthy once. Imagine that. Here’s me today. Not healthy. Still wearing pink. Haha.

#weight loss #nutrisystem #ih #EDS #birth #starting over #love #bipolar #california #Texas #colorado #medical maryjane #medical marijuana #blind #deaf #bedridden #overweight #health #sickness

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pallases · 3 years

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messing around on piccolo and giving up to learn the music on flute first only for the flute to feel indescribably clunky. most disconcerting sensation i have ever had the displeasure of experiencing

#i was like thank god no more of this and then i picked it up and was like This Is Wrong #the music chronicles #personal #seriously considering just doing the year-long concert band instead lmao i don’t even really like how piccolo sounds #played a high e flat and was like Okay 😖 not sure how i feel abt that #not to mention i tend to enjoy concert music more and marching band is hot and sticky and i am still not great at reading drill charts lol #but the community tends to be a lot stronger and it can be v fun #also given that we’re not starting until the end of august it would not be that hot at least not for very long #idkidk #regardless the good news is i’m not really sacrificing anything by taking music classes this year bc i legitimately can’t fit anything else #into my schedule that would be of use to me or that i would enjoy #except maybe a class on Ancient Greece and rome but that’s online so probably not #bc the music groups are all worth one credit #and after all the classes that ARE being put toward my gen eds and such i only have two credits remaining #and the majority of one/two credit classes offered at my college are v specific to particular majors and aren’t beginner classes either #and they esp seem to be related to business and financing #so there isn’t really anything else that i CAN take haha #so ig i’m really just chilling this year i p much have all humanities if you want to count journalism and communications classes as that

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miekasa · 3 years

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random armin/mikasa/jean headcanons (college au)

↯ pairing: armin x (fem) reader, mikasa x (fem) reader, jean x (fem) reader

↯ genres and warnings: college au, fluff, lets see how many times i can mention eren in writing that has absolutely nothing to do with him

↯ notes: this.... probably won’t be a regular thing, i don’t know that i can consistently continue writing for them, but this sure was fun and reminded me that i actually have feelings for someone other than levi :// didn’t ask for that, but here we are

ARMIN ARLERT

Would most likely get pretty good grades, but he can definitely be lazy about it and hear me out.

If it’s a class that he likes and is genuinely interested in (which is the majority of them), he’s going to put in the work—sometimes too much work—to make sure he’s doing well. He usually studies very meticulously, and stays on top of his game throughout the semester.

But if it’s one of those bs classes the university makes you take, or some kind of stupid elective that was the only course that could fit into his schedule? Well, Armin is smart enough to bullshit his way through anything, so he’s not going to exert himself for a class he doesn’t even care about.

Oh, and he’s very vocal about complaining to you about said bullshit courses. (Completely justified, go off king).

“I swear sometimes the TA just lowers marks randomly to ‘keep the class average.’ Granted, I didn’t really study for the quiz, so I wasn’t expecting a stellar grade or anything, but I know they do that sometimes.” “Well, babe, why didn’t you study.” “Because I hate it, (Y/N).”

Like I said, takes school seriously and tries his best; but even he knows he doesn’t have to be at 100% all the time. It’s also kind of a flex how smart he is and how much he can get by on doing the absolute bare minimum.

Poor Connie is studying his ass off for their shared elective and Armin barely looked at the first page of the textbook, and he’ll probably get a 90 anyways.

Imagine he’s so caught up with his other classes, he actually forgets about a midterm for his stupid elective, and at first he’s freaking out, so you kind of have to remind him of who tf he is. You finally get him to relax and he blinks at you, “Oh right, I didn’t study because I didn’t have to haha nice.”

Helps you prepare for presentations by letting you practice them in front of him. Actually gives good feedback, but sometimes he’s just watching you and not really listening.

Sometimes, you have to be the one to remind him to take a step back and take care of himself, before his schoolwork. He doesn’t like to worry you, and likely feels guilty when he sees you walking up to him in the library at 2am; so he won’t fight you on it, and just lets you help him pack up all his stuff and head home for the day.

Likes head massages. Maybe sometimes has faked a little bit of a headache to get you to massage his head and play with his hair. He’ll never tell.

If you rub his cheek while he’s laying on top of you, he will knock out like a baby. Almost immediately. It’s a surefire way to get him to go to sleep.

Schedules dates with you, and plans them out meticulously. Sometimes gets playful and sends you a whole ass e-vite.

“Armin, why do I have an email invitation for our date to the library?” “So that you don’t forget, of course.” “How could I forget, it’s later today, and you’re literally helping me study for my midterm.” “With popcorn!”

Probably the type to get a job on campus. You and your friends come to visit him when he’s on shift and annoy him. He secretly likes it.

Oh, he’s kind of shady. Scratch that, can be very shady. He complains about school to you, but also just complains to you in general; he doesn’t outwardly do that a lot, but you’re his confidant.

Sometimes you get surprised and call him out on it and you’re like “Oh my god, Armin, the poor girl didn’t mean to mess up the project,” and he’s like “Well. Sometimes people are idiots and it has to be said.”

Has a bad habit of rolling his eyes and he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. “Did you just roll your eyes at me.” “I don’t know, did I?” Bye.

His hands are always covered in some kind of ink/markings. Accidental brushes of his pens, streaks from his highlighters or markers, a little bit of lead from his pencil along the side of his palm.

Speaking of which, he strikes me as the kind of guy to keep a bullet journal. Not necessarily decked out and fancy with Polaroids and extravagant fonts; but definitely neat, and decorated to some extent, depending on how he’s feeling. It makes him feel organized.

He would pencil in important dates and markers of your relationship into said journal. “Friday night: museum date—remember to buy the tickets in advance.”

If anyone is going to buy, wash, peel, and cut up fruit for you, it’s going to be Armin.

Lowkey tutoring all of his friends, and might be the sole reason that Connie hasn’t dropped out yet. He likes tutoring you the most, though.

Get this, sometimes he asks you to tutor him, even if he knows damn well he doesn’t need it. Maybe he’ll even sign up for a stupid elective if it’s a class you’ve taken before, just to have an excuse to get you to teach him something.

Likes trying new things with you. He might not always like the new things that you try, but he’s open to trying them at least once. Well… most things anyways. Just don’t ask him to get up at dawn and go jogging with you.

I genuinely cannot tell if he would be a morning person or not. Maybe mid-morning. Probably not a rise-and-shine at 6am kind of guy, but is up by at least 10:00am every day. Very cute when he’s groggy though, and stumbles around a bit like a baby deer when he first gets up, especially if he’s hungry.

He likes to bike. And really likes when you go on bike rides with him. As long as you both are on your own bikes, you learned the hard way that tandem biking isn’t cut out for you.

Knows that all-nighters aren’t good for you, but sometimes you have to pull them anyways. If you both have a lot to get done, he’ll stay up with you and make sure you both take breaks and drink water.

Can twirl his pens in that really fast and fancy way, and can do the thing where he rolls it between all his fingers too. I’ll let you think bout the implications of that for yourself.

He likes watching cartoons, and reels you into all his favorites. Definitely likes to stay in on weekends watching cartoons with you and just chilling.

Will go to a party with you if you ask, or if his friends are hosting, but nothing beyond that. You didn’t hear this from me, but he’d probably like to smoke more than drink.

Sometimes you think he needs a break and you commission Eren to take him out for the night, but Armin still comes back looking more composed than him. A little sleepy and maybe a bit out of it, but not sloshed, much to your disappointment. “Eren, you really couldn’t have tried to be more a bad influence?? I was counting on you!!”

Eren’s confused, like, “Did you want me to get him white boy wasted??” “Yeah, kinda!! It’s what he deserves every once in a while. Ugh, next time I’m calling in Sasha, she knows how to drink.”

By the way, if you’re dating Armin, you’re kind of dating (or at least babysitting) Eren too. Or vice versa. Either way, they will also go on dates without you. (“Hanging out. We’re hanging out, and I’m tutoring him so he doesn’t fail Biology, (Y/N).” “Likely story, ocean eyes.”)

Can be touchy in a very absentminded way. He’ll reach out to play with your ears/earrings, habitually rub at your shoulders if you’re standing in front of him, mindlessly toy with the ends of your clothing. Half the time he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, he’s so cute.

Plays one sport—is on the soccer team. It keeps him busy, and forces him to focus on something that isn’t academics once in a while. He’s pretty good at it, too; he and Eren make a good team when they play together.

You and Eren tried to get him to join the baseball team too. Eren, because he likes playing with Armin. You, because, well… the uniforms. He would look so good in the uniform.

MIKASA ACKERMAN

Makes her classes look like a breeze, even though it’s at least 300 pages of reading and writing per week.

Kind of gives me Elle Woods “What, like it’s hard?” kind of vibes when it comes to schoolwork. You’re in awe of how she just did 75 pages of reading with a tiny ass font in one sitting, and she just blinks at you like “Was it supposed to be difficult?”

Speaking of which, she likes to read in general; for leisure, outside of her school work. She’ll recommend you books, too. If you don’t like to read, she’ll still try and rope you in with shorter stories, or just read them aloud to you herself.

Sits at a table across from you while you both do your schoolwork independently. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a quiet, almost implicit sense of intimacy that she really likes.

Bundles you up when it’s cold, and won’t take no for an answer. You will wear a hat, whether you like it or not.

Always prepared—and by that I mean, she carries things on her that she realizes you might need. Tissues, extra pens, an extra pair of mittens. She strikes me as the kind of person to pay attention to details like those.

Likes to walk you to class, even if her class is very far away from your building. She doesn’t mind.

On that note, she knows your schedule pretty well, where it pertains to classes and personal interests.

If you’re the type of person who can slack off or even just get caught up in other things when it comes to school work, she’ll be there to keep you on track and hold you accountable. Usually through setting aside times to study with you, but can even be through small things like asking you how your assignment is going.

(Nevermind that you completely forgot about the assignment, and hadn’t even started it—but that’s the point; she knew that).

Hear me out: holding pinkies. Maybe not when you’re walking, but when you’re seated next to each other. The longer you’re together, the more likely she is to initiate it, too.

Would rather study at home/in her apartment than in the library, but if you like to study there, she can compromise a few days out of the week.

Makes you playlists, and they’re usually really good, because she knows you so well. Sometimes she gets cute and customizes the cover art to a picture of the both of you.

She’s your ride or die, so if you complain to her about a prof you don’t like or a TA you don’t think is fair she’s 100% on your side. She might not always be able to do anything about it, but she’ll definitely let you complain to her.

Texts you throughout the day to check up on you, but usually disguised through other questions. Asks what you want/had for lunch when she’s really checking to make sure you ate. Asks you what time your lectures end, just to make sure you didn’t skip it (again). Asks you what time you’re going to be done studying to make sure you don’t stay up all night cramming again.

Takes a genuine interest in your courses, and absolutely loves to listen to you talk about them.

If your classes are vastly different, she’ll still try and help you however she can, even if it’s only in small ways, like proofreading something for you.

Doesn’t use emojis alot, so your contact doesn’t have a bunch of hearts next your name on anything. But she does put your last name in as Ackerman.

Has social media, but mostly uses it to keep up with her friends, and you. You’re in most of the few pictures that she does post, and she might not say it, but she really likes it when you post photos of/with her.

Not sure why, but I think she’d be a pretty decent artist if she tried. That trend of doing glass paintings on TikTok? I think she’d be into that, and would plan out the whole thing as a date with you.

Keeps up with all your favorite shows to talk about or watch them with you. Sometimes she’ll purposely miss a few episodes so that she can spend the night and marathon them with you.

Likes to stay in and drink cheap wine and just watch or talk about whatever with you. You could watch a terrible show just to laugh and comment on it the entire time and she would be so happy.

Doesn’t like to sit down on public transportation, and honestly would rather you didn’t either, but she’s not going to stop you from taking a seat. If you’re sitting, she’ll stand in front of/over you, and always keeps wire headphones long enough for you to share music that way.

The most insufferable human when she’s sick and she knows it. She hates being sick. And she knows you shouldn’t be around her or else you might get sick but she also just wants you to hold her. (You do).

Likes to sleepover at your place. Talks with you about your day while you lay down. Always smells good. Very cuddly when sleepy. 10/10.

Hates the act of doing her laundry, but likes doing it with you. Lowkey starts buying and using the same detergent and fabric softener as you because it makes her smell like you.

Gets very embarrassed if you kiss her in public. Very red in the cheeks, it’s kind of cute, so I wouldn’t blame you if you did it on purpose.

JEAN KIRSTEIN

Jean is… quite smart, if you ask me. Or, at the very least, analytical, which can be applied to a variety of academic settings.

The only thing is, he’s incredibly lazy about it. He wants to do well in school, and can definitely pull himself together for a midterm or an exam; but is horrible at keeping pace with all his other work and assignments on a regular basis.

He also can’t sit still, which is why even though he is very kind and chivalrous and brings many snacks to your study sessions, he is also competing for number one worst study partner. Right next to Eren and Sasha.

Gets pouty when you tell him you don’t want to study with him. “But… but… but I brought snacks! And bubble tea!” “Yes, but you also have the attention span of a rabbit, Jean.”

At the end of the day he understands… that doesn’t mean he’s not going to be bitter about it LOLOL. It’s fine, you can make it up to him by hanging out with him afterwards.

Is, like, classically trained in at least two instruments because his mom put him in lessons as a child. He used to hate it growing up, and he doesn’t practice much now, so he never talks about it.

One day you happen to mention something about comparing two songs, telling him they remind you of each other but you don’t know exactly why or why, and very nonchalantly he’s like, “They sound similar because they share the same major chord in the chorus, and they’re in the same key.”

And you just kind of blink at him like, “Okay, Beethoven. How. How did you know that.”

Once you realize he can, like, actually play the piano and violin really well you’re always begging him to play for you. It doesn’t happen often—it’s not like he owns a violin anymore and he certainly doesn’t have a grand piano in his shitty college apartment—but sometimes you sneak into the music room when it’s empty and he’ll play something for you.

He’s a romantic at heart, so he doesn’t mind, and if anything kind of enjoys you watching him play. It’s much better than playing for random parents in a recital. You’re dead if you ever mention it to any of his friends though.

Also not a frat boy, but definitely likes to party. Everything with reason. If he crushed a midterm on Thursday, he deserves to throw back a few beers on Friday night, you know?

Touchy when he’s drunk. Well, touchier than normal; he’d be the most affectionate out of every one on a regular basis. But he’s touchy and messy when he’s drunk, so he’s all over you.

Messy, but happy. All smiles and giggles and red cheeks, with his arm around your shoulder, boasting you anybody who will listen about his super hot girlfriend.

He and Eren throw the best parties when they team up together. (Only slightly related, but those two, when drunk together, could probably pass as a couple; they’re so uncharacteristically happy, and affectionate. You may or may not be keeping some photo and video evidence of Eren and Jean drunk cuddling).

Sends you videos when you’re in the middle of class. And only then. He plans it to be annoying. Because he is annoying.

Also always sending you those in-messsage games while you’re in the middle of lecture or studying. “PLEASE play virtual pool with me!! I’ll even let you win one round!!” “I AM TRYING TO LEARN!!” “LEARN LATER 😡😡😡”

A fucking fiend in your Instagram comments. It’s a miracle none of them have been removed or reported for inappropriate content. Replies to OTHER people’s comments complimenting YOU!! He’s so much

@sashabraus: aww you look so cute @youruser!! that color looks so good on you 💕 @jeannotjean: omg omg tysm @sashabraus 😊 i picked it myself @youruser: SHE WAS TALKING TO ME @jeannotjean!!! ME!!! @jeannotjean: @youruser you have no proof 🙄 @youruser: SHE USED MY @!!!! GET OUT OF MY COMMENTS!!! @jeannotjean: you’re so hot when you yell at me via insta comments 🥵🥵🥵 would it be better if i slid into your dm’s instead 😫😫😉 @youruser: @jeannotjean BLOCKED!! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!!

You try explaining your coursework to him and he’s just looking at you with puppy dog eyes like, “I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about, babe, but you look hot while doing it, so, please, continue.”

He’s another cocky annoying bastard (endearing). Always tilting you head up to look at him and smirk at you. Pisses you off just to put his arm around your shoulder and be like, “It’s okay, I know you love me anyways.” Winks at you in public just to embarrass you. He’s the worst. The worst.

King of picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder for absolutely no reason at all.

He lowkey wants to get an ear piercing and uses you to talk him into it. “Don’t you think I’d look hot with a piercing? I think I would.” “You would look good regardless, Jean. So, do it if you want to.” “Right. But, like.... do you think I would look hot.”

For as annoying and cocky as he can be, the second you actually genuinely tell him you think he’s attractive or talented or whatever, he gets kind of shy. It’s very cute.

Likes trying new restaurants with you, even though he really should stop spending all his money on food. Sometimes trying new restaurants means ordering from a new place, but it’s whatever, you know.

Honestly… the two of you would probably have a ridiculously high Uber Eats bill. You really should go outside and, like, be people every once in a while LOLOL

Okay, but it’s mostly Jean’s fault. For as much as he likes to party, and doesn’t mind hosting a party, he doesn’t do much beyond that. He hangs out with his/your friends, and with you, obviously, but he’s not the kind of guy to have his weekend booked up all the time.

He would much rather stay in with you, and talk trash about his stupid group project partners, and lay on your stomach and try to teach you how to play his favorite video games.

Spoiler: he fucking lies and/or leaves out key parts of the gameplay!! Just so he can crush you and laugh about it!! Annoying, but you’re the one keeping him around, so, who can you really blame but yourself.

#aot x reader #snk x reader #armin x reader #jean x reader #mikasa x reader #aot imagines #snk imagines #armin smut #armin fluff #aot jean #eren x reader

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poetrusicperry · 3 years

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the poets and their first summer jobs

i’ve seen some discourse about how rich all the boys/their families are, and of course there would be like very little reason for them to work, but i couldn’t help wondering who would do what for their first jobs (summer jobs bc they couldn’t work while they’re at school). andddd that led me to writing this lol

neil: so neil would have like absolutely zero time for a job between all his normal coursework/extracurriculars and his summer classes (”you know me, always taking on too much”), but i guarantee you he would still take the time to get a job and have his own money to do with whatever he chose. mr. perry wouldn’t care much because it showed neil “taking initiative” or whatever. neil would likely work at a diner as either a bus boy or a waiter. he’s super personable, so he’d always strike up conversations with people sitting at the counter, and he’d get loads of tips bc he’s cute (: he’d bring his summer school work with him to do during lulls in business, which his boss didn’t mind because it’s neil and everyone knows how responsible he is. the poets would come visit him pretty much every day (to eat, see neil, and escape the heat in the air conditioning), likely taking up a whole booth, and making an absolute mess of the area. charlie would be making spitballs, aiming at cameron and knox every time (earning a “charlie, knock it off, i told you three times already! so mature of you, really.” from cameron) and meeks/pitts would try to see how many straws they could connect to make “ultra straw.” todd would come hang out at the counter when neil was closing, admiring his pretty bf as he worked (’: neil would always make todd a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and rainbow jimmies on the house, claiming, “we have to empty out the ice cream machine anyway” (but really he’d take the cost out of his paycheck, just wanting to make todd happy). his boss would hire him back every summer, loving how much business neil drove in (even if the poets made a mess every time they hung out and ate) and absolutely adoring how much effort neil put into what anyone else would seemingly call a “meaningless” job.

todd: you can’t tell me that todd wouldn’t look forward to working. especially during the summers, it would get him out of the house and away from his parents judging his every move. being the shy introvert he is, he’d likely do things like mowing lawns or gardening for people around his neighborhood. minimal interactions, but still decent pay (as all the people in his neighborhood were likely super rich and could afford to pay him well). the poets’ parents would hire him, after much convincing from their sons (”todd’s just trying to make some money, dad. please?”) and todd would appreciate this more than they ever knew. he’d become super familiar with flower types and he’d become a lot more nurturing after taking care of plants and grass for multiple summers. he’d keep a little journal or notebook with drawings or sketches of the flowers he’d taken care of, complete with descriptions and magazine/newspaper clippings from his mom’s better homes and garden subscription (a lot of his poetry would become nature-related as well). it would be his late night project, or something he’d do if he couldn't sleep (which was pretty common for todd). he’d call neil on the phone some nights and just gush about all kinds of flowers or tell neil how he accidentally got stung by a bee and cried about it because he knew the bee would die (all the while, neil would be listening so intently, taking note about which flowers were todd’s favorites for future use (’: the calls would have to be pretty planned, bc if neil wasn’t working, he was doing school work, or his parents were keeping an annoyingly close watch on him. but sometimes neil would call him impromptu and that made todd just the happiest little camper ever). todd’s nails would be really short (he’d cut them really often because he doesn’t like the feeling of dirt under his nails), which means he couldn’t bite his nails anymore, causing him to pick up a new anxious habit of biting the inside of his bottom lip ): overall, though, todd would like his job, and even find pleasure in being surrounded by little flowers all day. also if/when neil ever got the chance, he’d absolutely tag along to see his sweaty boyfriend in action (come on, neil would go absolutely nuts for todd in a cutoff shirt, 5″ inseam shorts, and converse mowing a lawn looking all manly and tough).

charlie: obviously, charlie wouldn’t need to work because of his financial situation, but his mom would 110% make him get a job just so he wouldn’t be around the house causing trouble/bothering his siblings for fun (”i’m hosting a lot of book club meetings for the country club this summer, i can’t have you putting spiders in the ladies’ hats again, charles”). similar to neil, mr. charlie dalton would work his summers at an ice cream/custard stand. he’d have to wear a white, short sleeve button up, a red and white striped apron, and one of those white, rectangular hats (his least favorite part HAHA, stating, “my hair is one of my best features and this just takes it all away. it’s unfair.”). the poets would visit often, both for ice cream, but primarily to give him a hard time about his uniform (”i’ll give you twenty bucks to wear this on our first day of classes” meeks would tease, completely gobsmacked when charlie showed up to their first chemistry class in his uniform, earning lots of demerits, but also twenty dollars). charlie would hate it at first, but obviously he’d adjust, being the extroverted/personable person, not taking himself too seriously and being one of the best ice cream slingers anyone had ever seen. he’d give the cute girls (and boys) extra scoops of ice cream for free, winking as he handed them their orders. like neil’s boss, charlie’s boss was even more thankful for charlie’s presence because they’d likely be raking in at least triple the income they would in a summer without him. he’d become a sundae expert, spending many dead poets meeting making them for his friends while they read poems and stories. that being said, he’d come to hate eating ice cream, publishing an article in welton’s honor demanding that they remove ice cream from their dessert menu (yes, almost exactly like the “girls at welton” prank, but he’d make the call collect this time. mr. nolan would be fed up to the point where he wouldn’t even punish charlie physically, just suspend him from rowing [which charlie wouldn’t mind at all HAHA]).

meeks & pitts: after their hi-fi success and the fact that they are seemingly inseparable, they both sought out jobs at the local radio station where they were hired as interns/assistants, running errands and picking up coffee or lunch for the station. but sometimes, when they worked pretty late, the night shift dj would let them pick the records and show them how everything worked (: after nights like that, meeks and pitts would go to one of their houses and add modifications to their hi-fi radio, staying up all night modifying and researching (by the end of the summer, they had made another hi-fi (portable) and their og hi-fi would have been morphed into a huge nationally reaching radio that they keep in the cave (since it would be disallowed in their room at welton). another job that the two of them would have would be answering calls for the station about song requests. with this knowledge, charlie and the other poets would hang out at someone’s house, calling and requesting the same songs over and over and over again. their biggest task for the summer would be organizing the shelves with all the records into alphabetical order (”duh, we should go by first name, meeks. which other way would it be” pitts would argue, only to find out that after they had spent about three weeks alphabetizing by first name, they were supposed to go by last name. “now who’s the idiot?” meeks would jeer, beginning to pull the records off the shelves). they’d also learn a lot about music from their night shift coworker, which would help in their quest to woo some ladies the following school year.

cameron: cameron liked spending his summers doing research projects for fun and just reading a whole lot, so you can imagine his displeasure at when his parents asked him to get a job (presumably to help with paying for his schooling). while upset about it, he wouldn’t complain, and took it on the chin, understanding the reasoning. he’d apply to a couple places, but ultimately end up as a grocery store cashier/stock boy. much like charlie, he’d have the same kind of uniform, but with a green apron instead. he’d spend most of his shift ringing people up at the register, being friendly and personable (something no one ever really realized about him !!). the poets’ moms would always see him and choose his register on purpose, using it as a chance to catch up or tell him to tell his parents that “the overstreets say hello!” or “mrs. anderson says hi!” pitts, meeks, and charlie would utilize cameron’s position at the supermarket to buy nudie magazines unembarrassed/slightly illegally HAHA (”come on, cameron! it’s not like you won’t be included in seeing them next year, too. we bring them to the meetings, you know that!” charlie would say, leaving cameron at a loss, reluctantly scanning the magazines and bagging them as pitts and meeks sniggered). charlie would wave, blow him a kiss, and wink as they left, “love you, richardddd.” sure enough, the magazines would make an appearance during the following school year and cameron was glad he had decided to let them buy the magazines lol.

knox: out of all the poets, i feel like our knoxious would be the least inclined to work (yes, even less inclined than charlie). his parents wouldn’t even make him get a job because he simply didn’t need to, but to everyone’s surprise, he would volunteer at the animal shelter. the poets would later find out that it was a great way to meet girls (which is why he did it lmfao so they endlessly goaded him about it). charlie would visit often, and even took a rescue puppy home, much to charlie’s younger sister’s delight. charlie even wanted to start volunteering at the shelter to also meet girls, but he was too busy at the ice cream stand (plus, he had really grown to like it there so he didn’t want to leave). another effect of volunteering made knox super interested in zoology and animals, which brought out a newer, more nurturing/caring side to him, and who knows, maybe he’d go vegetarian somehow. he’d want to pursue a career in animal science or becoming a veterinarian, but mr. overstreet was hellbent on knox taking over the firm, so it seemed like a pipe dream. knox would continue to volunteer at the animal shelter, well into his career as a lawyer, and would even go to veterinary school in his 30s (when he was a nationally famous, established lawyer) to get certification to work with animals in a broader way (:

hope you guys liked these. it was pretty fun to write, and i'd pay such good money to see neil, charlie, and cameron in their uniforms (and todd, but that’s neither here nor there). happy thursday !! let me know what you guys think of these <3(:

#dead poets society #dead poets in nyc #dps #dps headcanons #neil perry #todd anderson #anderperry #neil and todd #charlie dalton #richard cameron #steven meeks #gerard pitts #dark academia #headcanon #angelina writes

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bettsfic · 3 years

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how i got an agent, or: my writing timeline

when i started writing, i had no idea how publishing worked and i had a lot of misconceptions about it. but i just signed my first literary agent so i thought i’d share what my experience has been getting to this point, in case it helps anyone else with their own publication goals. i’m also including financial details, like submission fees and income, because “i could never afford to pursue writing as a career” is something that kept me from taking the idea seriously.

for context, i write mostly literary fiction and i’m on the academic/scholarly writing path. this process looks a lot different for other genres.

i didn’t write this in my pretty nonfiction narrative voice; it’s really just the bare-bones facts of how it went down, how long it took, how many words i wrote (both fanfiction and original fiction), and how much it all cost.

background

2002 - 2005: read a fuckton of books, wrote some fiction, wanted to be a writer but knew it would never happen, journaled every moment of my life in intimate detail

2006: started working full-time (at a chinese restaurant) while still in high school, also started taking courses for college credit; no time to write, and forgot i had ever wanted to be a writer

2007: graduated high school, started college (psych major), still worked at the restaurant, moved out of my parents’ house into an apartment with my boyfriend; my dad got diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer

2008: continued college full-time, quit the restaurant and started part-time as a bank teller, broke up with bf and moved in with a friend at an apartment where the rent was obscenely high; had to pick up a second job altering bridal gowns

2009: continued college full-time, started dating someone else, moved in with him, had to support him, took a third job as an admin assistant

2010: continued college full-time, still had 3 jobs; my dad’s cancer became terminal

2011: my dad passed away; i graduated college with a 3.9 and $31k of debt; quit 2 of 3 jobs; got promoted at the bank; my bf cheated on me and we broke up; moved back in with my mom

2012: a very dark time; also, bought a house (because where i’m from, it’s cheaper to buy than rent)

2013: discovered fandom

2014, age 24

this is the year i started writing and posting fanfic. prior to that i was a compulsive journaler but had no drive or desire to become a writer, despite how much i had written when i was a teenager. it seemed like a very childish dream. at this point i assumed writing was just a phase like all my other hobbies i’d picked up and set down.

but fandom proved to be really healthy for me, and i made some good friends who encouraged my writing and made me want to be better at it. i was really not very good at writing. i don’t think i had any natural creative talent whatsoever, or even a particularly vivid imagination. the only thing i had going for me was the ability to put thoughts into words after a decade of obsessive journaling.

i started writing in spring, and by the end of the year my total word count was 311k. i was making a decent income at the bank, insofar as my bills were covered and i had health insurance. i still had a significant amount of credit card debt from college that i was trying to pay down, and which was eating up all my extra income.

2015, age 25

i continued writing through 2015 and went to visit @aeriallon, whom i’d met in fandom and who told me i should consider applying to MFAs. i was miserable at the bank and knew i wanted to go back to school, but i didn’t think there was a chance in hell a grad program would accept me, since my writing wasn’t very good and i hadn’t so much as taken a single english class in undergrad. she told me to just look around and do a few google searches to see what i found.

when i started searching, i assumed i would probably be more compelled toward an MEd or MSW programs and go the therapy route, which is what the plan had been in undergrad before my dad died and my life got derailed. i never wanted to be a banker, but i’d got a promotion into commercial finance that paid decently, so i took it and told myself i’d work for a year before going back to school. but then i kept getting promoted and one year became many.

i ended up being more drawn to creative writing MFA programs because they seemed to want people with weird backgrounds like mine. also the classes sounded fun and the programs were funded. i didn’t know how i would be able to afford my mortgage payment or sell my house on a fraction of the income i was making at the bank, but i figured i’d apply and see what happened.

it took 6 months to get a writing sample ready to apply to MFAs. it was the only ofic story i’d written as an adult, and in retrospect i had no idea what i was doing because at that point i didn’t read literary short fiction. but i got the sample as good as i could get it and completed my applications. i applied to 6 schools and got accepted into 1.

in 2015 i wrote 250k. i can’t find my application spreadsheet from that year, but i probably spent between $300 and $400 on application fees. early in the year, i had finally managed to pay off my credit card debt and save a little bit of money.

2016, age 26

the school i got into was within driving distance of my house, so i didn’t bother moving. i tried to quit the bank but my boss convinced me to stay on 2 days a week working from home. i agreed to it, because my grad stipend wasn’t enough to cover my bills, and i was counting on what little savings i had accrued to get me through the program. i still had no drive or interest to publish. i mostly just wanted to go back to school so i could learn how to be better at this thing i really enjoyed doing.

in the MFA, as you might imagine, i had to read a lot of stuff and write a lot of stuff, and was encouraged to begin submitting some of the short stories i wrote for workshop. i was not particularly into the idea, considering it seemed like a lot of work for little reward, and also i didn’t think my stories were very good.

i also started teaching english comp. i hated it and decided that after the MFA, i never wanted to do it again. haha. hahahahahaha

in 2016 i wrote 343k. i didn’t apply/submit in 2016 so i didn’t pay any fees, but my grad stipend was $14k for the academic year, plus the income i was making at the bank.

2017, age 27

i did a complete 180 and decided i loved teaching more than anything else in the entire world, and i was willing to do whatever it took to become a teacher. i realized that to become a teacher, i needed to publish. begrudgingly i started submitting to literary journals. i also applied to summer workshops and got into tin house, which i highly recommend if that’s something you’re interested in. at tin house i met my dream agent, who seemed really interested in my work and encouraged me to query her as soon as i had a book done.

a lot of personal drama happened that year. i was still working at the bank in addition to teaching a 2/2 and taking a full course load. in summer i had a long overdue mental breakdown.

2017 was a rough year. i wrote 149k. this is the year i started keeping a dedicated expenses spreadsheet. i spent $174 in submission fees. tin house tuition with room and board was a little over $1500 + travel. i thought it was worth it because i met the agent i thought i would later sign, but that didn’t pan out. (i made some great friends though!!) tin house was definitely an unwise financial decision; i paid for it out of what little i managed to save in 2015.

2018, age 28

early in 2018, i went from teaching comp/rhet to creative writing, which only cemented my desire to teach writing as a career. i realized i was far better at teaching writing than writing, but i knew i had to keep writing to keep teaching (shocked pikachu.jpg), so i kept submitting to journals. i got my first story accepted. i didn’t receive any payment for that publication. i quit the bank early in the year (finally! after 10 years!) and was terrified about money, in part because my student loan payments were coming out of deferment and i was still paying off my hospital bills from my breakdown.

in spring semester, i won a few departmental awards (totaling $500ish) and got a second story accepted (again, no payment). i also got accepted to another workshop which i will not name because i hated it. i graduated in may and defended my thesis in july. the thesis would later become my short story collection, zucchini.

in fall, i stayed on at my school as an adjunct, and started writing training wheels which would later become an original novel called baby.

i wrote 450k in 2018. i paid $373 in submission fees. i was also nominated for an award for one of my publications but didn’t win. the workshop i went to was like $4000 with room and board (it was a month-long workshop). i got 75% of it covered with scholarships and i paid for the rest of it out of my savings, and even though i’d intended to drive there, my mom ended up buying me a plane ticket. again, i met a lot of big-wig writers i thought for sure would help me get an agent. i told myself i was networking, and that publication was all about Who You Knew. but that turned out not to be true for me.

as an adjunct i made $3200 per course, and i taught 3 classes in fall. in winter, i got my shit together and started applying for creative writing PhDs, mostly to convince my family i was doing something with my life, with no expectation that i would get in. in winter i applied to 2 schools. with application fees and the GRE, i ended up paying well over $500.

2019, age 29

in spring semester, i taught 2 classes while i revised training wheels into baby. when i had a completed manuscript, i finally pulled the plug and used all my networking contacts to get my dream agent i’d met at tin house. i queried her, and a very popular and well-regarded author i’d met at the other workshop emailed her on my behalf to tell her good things about me. i thought for sure i had it in the bag. this author also touched base with a few other agents whom he thought would like my work.

i didn’t hear back from any of them. not even a “no thanks.” i set down querying for a while.

i got a third story picked up and published around this time, and i was paid $25 for it. they also nominated me for an award, and i don’t think i won? but i can’t find out who did win so idk.

my grandpa passed away and i decided to sell my house and move in with my grandma so she wouldn’t be alone. i got rejected from both PhD programs i applied to and decided to get a “real job” instead, and began applying for random positions that offered health insurance, because i knew i was drastically undermedicated and it was becoming a Problem.

near the end of spring semester, i moved out of my house, put it on the market, and was interviewing for a community development manager position for a nonprofit. at the same time, i found out about another university that was taking late-season applications, and i applied. five days later, i got accepted. one day after that, i got a job offer for the nonprofit. since i had no idea how long it would take for my house to sell, and being unable to afford both rent in a new city and my mortgage payment, i deferred my PhD acceptance for a year and decided to work at the nonprofit for a while. the risk was that i could only defer my admission, not my funding, so there was a chance that the following year i wouldn’t get the same funding package.

i lasted one month at the “real job” before i had another breakdown and ended up quitting.

my house sold for well under the asking price and i received only $4000 in equity once it was all said and done. that’s a lot of money to me, but considering that i’d been paying on the house for 7 years, i was expecting a lot more.

i had a year to kill until the PhD so i decided to take a break from teaching and apply to artist residencies instead. i applied to 8 residencies and got accepted into 4, but only ended up attending 3, because the 4th was outrageously priced and there was no indication of the cost when i had applied.

in winter i picked up querying agents again. i queried 10 agents every other week. i also got a ghostwriting gig writing children’s books that paid $800 a month.

in 2019 i wrote 417k. i spent $441 in submission fees (to residencies and contests, not agent queries. never pay money to query an agent!!). i ended up teaching 3 classes fall semester.

2020, age 30

i started out the year driving across the country going to residencies. the first cost $100 (no food), the second cost $250 (A LOT OF VERY GOOD FOOD), and the third paid me $500. i was at the third when the pandemic hit.

the query rejections started rolling in. i gave up in february after 60 queries. of those 60, i received 7 manuscript requests for baby, but the consensus was that it was too long and plotless (you got me there.jpg). at the second residency completed and revised zucchini and decided to begin querying with that instead. i could only find a few agents who accepted collections so i only queried 16. i got one request for the manuscript but then didn’t hear back. i gave up in april shortly after the pandemic hit.

when i figured the collection, like the novel, just wasn’t publishable, i started submitting to contests which is the more standard route for the genre. i submitted to 12 in total and was a finalist in 1. i was rejected or withdrew from the rest.

the PhD program reached out to ask if i was still interested in starting in fall, and i said i was, so they put me in the running for funding again and i was accepted. the stipend was $17k per academic year.

like most of us, i got totally derailed in spring and stopped doing basically everything. the ghostwriting gig started paying $1500 a month and i also started my creative coaching business, which slowly but surely began to supplement my income. i also received the $1200 stimulus.

when school started, i quit the ghostwriting gig. i had no intention to continue querying either book, but i saw a twitter pitch event called DVpit (diverse voices) and decided to participate. for those who don’t know, a twitter pitch event is where you tweet the pitch for your book and use the hashtag, and agents scroll through the tag and like tweets. if an agent likes your tweet, you query them.

i got one like, so i followed up with the query. the agent asked for the full MS and a couple weeks later followed up with the offer for representation. we talked on the phone, she sent me the contract, i asked for a couple changes, and then signed!

so far this year i’ve written 375k and paid $518 in submission fees. i’ll give more details when i do my end of year roundup next month. oh, and i finally paid off my student loans.

totals

word count: 2.3 million

agent queries: 77

agent MS requests: 9

agent rejections: 28

agent no responses: 44

short story submissions: 86

short story acceptances: 3

short story income: $25

total submission/application fees: $1472

my (final) query letter

honestly this query letter probably isn’t very good which is why i got such a minimal response, but it got the job done eventually.

Thank you for expressing interest in ZUCCHINI through this year's DVpit event.

ZUCCHINI is a collection that views sex through an asexual lens. It poses inquiries into constructs like gender, sexuality, and love to dissect the patriarchal/puritanical foundations from which our social perspectives often derive. Being a collection about asexuality, each story portrays a relationship that develops from forms of attraction other than physical.

In one story, a grieving widow purchases her first sex toy; in another, a woman uses sex to cope with the death of her abusive father, and later in the collection faces the long road to recovery; an administrative assistant seeks out a codependent relationship with her boss; a masochist hires a professional sadist to lead him toward self-actualization; a woman begins to recover from her sexual assault by staging a reenactment on her own terms; and lastly, two lifelong friends in a queerplatonic relationship decide to get married. Asexuality is an under-acknowledged identity within the LGBTQIA community and is often misunderstood. In seven stories, ZUCCHINI dissects the notion of attraction, explores the intersections of sexual identity and trauma recovery, and conveys the experience of intimacy without physical desire.

Three stories in the collection have been published in literary magazines. “Lien” appeared in volume 24 of Quarter After Eight and was nominated for the PEN/Robert J. Dau Short Story Prize for Emerging Writers. “An Informed Purchase” appeared in the summer 2018 issue of Midwestern Gothic and won the Jordan-Goodman Prize in Fiction. “The Ashtray” appeared in issue 16 of Rivet Journal and has been nominated for a 2020 Pushcart Prize.

Complete at 53,000 words, ZUCCHINI is a collection in conversation with Carmen Maria Machado’s HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES, Lauren Groff’s FLORIDA, and Samantha Hunt’s THE DARK DARK.

If ZUCCHINI is of interest to you, I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Per your guidelines, I've appended the first twenty pages below, which is the entirety of the first story.

what comes next

i’m going to spend january revising the collection per my agent’s feedback. when i send it back to her, she’ll shoot it out to the first round of publishers. my understanding is that the goal is to get multiple offers on it so that it has to go to auction. if there are no offers, she’ll do another round of submissions, and so on, until we’ve exhausted our options. if that happens, we’ll reassess, but by then hopefully i’ll have another novel finished.

meanwhile, i’ll be continuing the PhD which entails teaching a 2/2, workshop, and 2 lit seminars per semester. i’m also still doing my creative coaching, writing fanfic, and working on my original projects. in summer, i’ll finally be moving to hopefully start going to school in person next fall.

the PhD is a 3 year program with an optional fourth year. i don’t see myself finishing in 3 years so i do plan to take the extra year unless something comes up. after the PhD, i’m not sure what i’ll do. a lot will probably change by then so i’m trying not to commit to one idea. i might apply to post-doc fellowships and tenure track positions, or i might leave the country and teach overseas, or i might move to LA and try to get in a writer’s room somewhere. i’ve got a lot of options.

overall thoughts/stuff i learned

first of all, you don’t have to go through all of this to publish a book. you could feasibly just write a book and query agents. the only reason it took me this long is because my PTSD brain was sabotaging me every step of the way and i didn’t start taking anything seriously until i found something i was willing to fight for (teaching). i went the MFA/literary route but other, faster routes are just as good. maybe better. probably better. actually if there’s any chance you can go a different route, you should take it.

reflecting on all of this, very little of it has anything to do with talent or being a good writer. nor does it have to do with being at the right place at the right time. i’ve only made it this far because i took very small steps over and over again, and during that walk met people who could help me -- the authors who have mentored me, the editors who accepted my stories, the agent who signed me. and as i got further along my path, i started being able to help other writers in the way i was helped.

i don’t believe i’ll ever be a great writer. the best thing i can say about my writing is that it’s competent and accessible. everything i write sets out to do something and most of the time it gets the job done. i don’t imagine i’ll ever be able to financially support myself with publishing, and i’ll certainly never be famous or well-known, but i’m good enough to keep making progress. i’ll probably continue to find opportunities that are adjacent to writing and that will keep me afloat, pending my health and provided the country doesn’t devolve into civil war.

probably the most important thing i learned in all this is that having a wide appeal isn’t the goal. you don’t write to be lauded or liked. you have to stay as true to yourself and your interests as you possibly can, so that the people who come across your path can see you and help you. you’ll need those people; no one gets anywhere alone. if you pander, if you’re too concerned with praise and success or being adored, you won’t make it very far. the rejection will eventually kill you.

with all that said, my advice to you is this: never stop writing. the ability to share our stories is the single most precious thing we have. you can’t let anything stop you from telling your stories the way you need them to be told.

#writing advice #the writing life #writing update

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linkspooky · 4 years

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Frankenstein and the Monster

So there is loads of speculation on a connection between Dabi and Frankenstein’s monster. There are several people who have already commented on it, here, here, and even here. (These are all the ones I could dig up recently). Frankenstein is a novel that can be read in many ways, but I believe the themes of the novel parallels and helps illustrate the relationship between Ujiko, Endeavor and Dabi.

1. Endeavor and Victor Frankenstein

To very briefly touch upon the novel for those who haven’t read it, there are several differences between Boris Karloff’s movie depiction and the original novel. In the novel the creature is intelligent, well spoken, and a reflection of the Doctor Frankenstein himself. To summarize quickly, Frankenstein a very dramatic undergrad student discovers the secret to reviving the dead, uses that to create a monster, then upon seeing how ugly it is flees. The monster grows up in isolation, is spurned by every human he comes across, and then returns to his master and says he will kill everyone the Doctor Loves unless he creates him a mate. Frankenstein destroys the mate, and then the monster destroys his wife to be on the night of their wedding then they chase each other around in the arctic until both of them die. If that wasn’t a sufficient enough summary, this crash course video is a good writeup of the book and it’s themes.

Frankenstein has a lot to say about science and treading in god’s domain, but it’s also written by a woman who was a teenager at the time (Mary Shelley) who existed in a soical circle of adult men who were much older than her. Just as much as it’s a novel about mad science gone wrong, there are strong themes of feminism, parenthood, and abuse intertwined in the novel.

Another popular reading is to interpret “Frankenstein” autobigraophically, a reading that was encouraged via 1970s feminist criticism of the novel. Earlier readings along those lines centered Frankenstein as a tale of monstrous birth and look to Mary Shelley’s own experiences with birth, which were pretty terrible.

Mary Shelley’s mother died when giving birth to her, and Mary and Shelley’s own first child, a daughter, died when she was just a few weeks old. And in her journal Mary recounted an incredibly sad dream about this daughter. “Dream that my little baby came to life again; that it had only been cold and that we rubbed it before the fire and lived.” [Crash Course: Frankenstein]

This is just some background information to add context to your reading. Percey Shelley first met Mary when she was 14, and eloped with her when she was 16 and already pregnant with his child (he was around 24 at the time). Not only that but Percey was married at the time when he eloped with Mary, and his wirst wife did not take it well.

Harriet (Westbrook) Shelley was Percy Shelley's first wife. While he was still married to her, he ran off with Mary Shelley, leaving Harriet pregnant and alone with their first child. She committed suicide on November 9, 1816 by drowning herself in Serpentine. [x]

As I said these details are all to add context to Mary Shelley’s life while she was writing Frankenstein. A book in which most of the female characters are severely mistreated and harmed.

There are some pretty feminist critiques to Frankenstein. For instance, the novel clearly shows what harm comes to women (and family and relationships) when men pursue single-minded goals. In fact thanks to Victor’s lack of work life balance pretty much all of the women in this novel die. Victor’s creation of the monster leads to the hanging of the servant Justine the murder of Victor’s bride Elizabeth on their wedding night. [Crash Course: Frankenstein]

To put it as frankly as possible (Haha, get it because frankenstein) there are several points in the novel in which both Victor and Frankenstein act like fuckboys.

You could easily read the story as one of male entitlement. Victor in the first place, deliberately refers to his bride to be Elizabeth as a possession and says it as a term of affection.

And when, on the morrow, she presented Elizabeth to me as her promised gift, I, with childish seriousness, interpreted her words literally and looked upon Elizabeth as mine—mine to protect, love, and cherish. All praises bestowed on her I received as made to a possession of my own. We called each other familiarly by the name of cousin. No word, no expression could body forth the kind of relation in which she stood to me—my more than sister, since till death she was to be mine only.

His actions towards Elizabeth in the novel are also, extremely neglectful. Elizabeth spends the novel passively waiting for him to return and marry her, but Victor has a habit of disappearing from her life for long periods at a time with no contact at all in pursuit of his endeavors. (Get it because I’m comparing Victor to Endeavor).

Elizabeth is someone he feels entitled to own, and entitled to her love (he literally thinks his parents gave him to her) and yet Victor never takes responsibility for Elizabeth and her feelings too wrapped up in his own. When Elizabeth is grieving for the losses of her family, Victor has a tendency to leave her alone to go off to sulk on his own. Elizabeth even pleads multiple times for Victor to come home, to offer some support for the rest of the family with his mere presence and Victor delays these returns home as long as possible.

“Get well—and return to us. You will find a happy, cheerful home and friends who love you dearly. Your father’s health is vigorous, and he asks but to see you, but to be assured that you are well; and not a care will ever cloud his benevolent countenance.

This treatment also extends to the rest of Victor’s family, who are people he seriously neglects throughout the novel, and also people who are the direct sufferers of the consequences of his actions. His youngest brother is killed, the maid is framed for the murder, Elizabeth dies on the wedding night, Clerval his closest friend is killed, and his father dies soon afterwards of old age / implied grief.

The monster who Victor creates is also a reflection of him. After knowing the suffering it is to be created as a creature with no family, and no place of belonging he then instructs Victor to make him a woman. A woman that will have no choice but to love him because they will be the only two alone in the world. The monster, also feels entitled to feminine love because he is lonely, with no thought to whether or not the second monster might have feelings, opinions or her own, or might not even like him.

“You must create a female for me, with whom I can live in the interchange of those sympathies necessary for my being. This you alone can do; and I demand it of you as a right which you must not refuse.”

The recurring theme is this: a sense of male entitlement, without a sense of responsibility. What do I mean by Male Entitlement?

Male entitlement is a product of traditional societal norms. It is cultivated in men as they join a society which usually favors them over the other genders in their careers, relationships, character-standing, and more. There’s more on it here, and the role of male entitlement in abuse.

Male entitlement is an attitude where men believe they are entitled to power over others, and/ or ownership of the women and children in their lives. Victor calls Elizabeth a possession given to him, and neglects her throughout most of the book. The monster believes he deserves to have a woman to love him. It’s not masculinity. Masculinity is just masculinity. It’s the belief that they are entitled to power or ownership over others simply because they are men born in a society that favors men. Male entitlement can show up in say, a father who believes he is entitled to the love of his children despite never doing any of the actual work of childrearing and pushing it all on the mother. Believing they deserved to be loved simply for being a father, while being absolutely absent for their lives. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS IN FRANKENSTEIN.

So, a lot of people interpret Frankenstein as a story of ambition gone wrong, but that interpretation feels like it’s missing something if you don’t include the feminist angle. Frankenstein when doing his mad scientist undergrad bit speculates how he would be a father of a new species. It is specifically, fatherhood accomplished without a mother. That this new species would owe him love.

A new species would bless me as its creator and source; many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me.

An undeniable part of Victor’s motivation is that as the sole creator the child would owe him all of their love. I mean to once again connect this to abuse narratives how many real life parents believe their children have to love them no matter how poorly they treat them?

No father could claim the gratitude of his child so completely as I should deserve theirs.

Victor in the novel wants not only fatherhood, but also motherhood. He wants to create life which in victorian society at the time is the role of the woman. And yet at the same time, he doesn’t want to do any of the actual work of motherhood and the roles typically described to women.

We can read the novel as an exploration of what happens when men fear, distrust, or devalue women so much that they attempt to reeproduce without them. In some ways Victor is trying to bypass the feminine altogether. He’s creating life without recourse to egg or womb. [Crash Course: Frankenstein]

Victor creates, and then proceeds to take no responsibility for his creation. He abandons the child for the most shallow of reasons (because it was ugly and looked scary), then leaves a sentient, thinking creature with no idea who it was, or why it was alive in the middle of the mountains hoping it starves to death on his own so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart. Unable to endure the aspect of the being I had created, I rushed out of the room and continued a long time traversing my bed-chamber.

Victor is the creatures parent, but takes no responsibility as a parent for raising the creature. In fact the child is punished when they are still an innocent, just for not turning out the way their creator intended.

Frankenstein is a novel which portrays consistently men who aspire to greatness as described in their society (scientific invention, and in the framing device arctic exploration) but who consistently fail everyone in their lives at the most basic levels. In other words as Lizzo said, “Why men great, till they gotta be great.”

This is where the fire comes in. The original post talks about dichotomy of fire as something that both helps and harms. Fire is a symbol in this book that can be read two different ways, and I think special context should be given to the subtitle of the story. “The Modern Prometheus”, a story which in classical times is a story of hubris where Prometheus steals fire from the heavens and is punished for it. Hubris in the classical greek sense means that a human acting like they know better than the gods. However, the story has a different interpretation in the Romantic / Enlightenment era where Prometheus is seen as a heroic figure stealing fire away from the gods to give knowledge to mankind.

Fire in the book represents both. Victor is someone who has hubris, he assumes he’s a father who deserves the love of a child and sole responsbility for the creation of another being (effectively making him god), but abandons the creature literally five minutes after finishing him and makes no real attempt to take any effort in raising what is effectively his child. It’s also a story about Victor having ambitions to be great, and to do what no man has done before him. I don’t think the story emphasizes that ambitions are bad, but rather the dual nature of ambition as something like fire, something that can either warm or harm.

He came upon a fire “which had been left” by humans (Vol. II, Ch. III), so a human tool left in nature. He was “overcome with delight” and joy, but touching it brought him pain. “How strange, [he thinks], that the same cause could produce such opposite effects!” He has learned the dichotomy of flame – to save and to hurt. [x]

Okay, now that we’re done witht hat extremely long essay on an english novel let’s actually talk about the manga where a goth stuck in his rebellious teenage phase tries to light his dad on fire.

I’m going to be comparing the novel to Dabi and Endeavor in two aspects.

Male entitlement, believing you deserve the love of a child without acting responsibly as a father.

Fire, ambition as something that both helps and burns.

Victor and Endeavor both are characters that decide to create children for very self serving reasons, and treat their families for the majority of their lives as tools to their own ambition. Endeavor wants a child that will carry out his ambitions for him, that he can live vicariously through. It’s not even an interpretation it’s directly stated text.

Endeavor’s mad science also literally has him treat the woman in his life as tools to use for his own amibition. He fores a marriage on a woman to use her as an unwilling accessory to his eugenics project.

It is not specifically a story of ambition got wrong, it’s also a story of neglect and abuse of all the women in his life. Endeavor’s ambitions all center around personal greatness for him. Shoto will prove his worth as a hero, as a mentor to him, as a great father. The fact that his motives are entirely selfish, (Endeavor is not focused on being the best hero he can be, but rather his own desire to be the strongest) is something that has an affect on his family and children.

Fuyumi, Touya, and Natsuo are literally afterthoughts to Endeavor despite being just as much his children as Shoto. He literally only thinks of Rei in the context of “I needed her to give me a family.” Not only that but he’s also an extremely bad father to the one child that he does take an active role in trying to parent, acting extremely controlling towards Shoto and getting extremely angry whenever Shoto did anything that was outside of Endeavor’s wishes for Shoto to fulfill his ambitions.

Endeavor just like Victor, inspires to greatness as a man and wants the signifiers of that as held up by society, accomplishment (Endeavor wants to be the number one rank even though he technically has far more resolved cases than All Might and the rank is literally just a number), family, and recognition despite having done none of the work. Once again why men great till they gotta be great. At the start of his arc, Endeavor feels entitled to Shoto’s love and obedience, and a role in his life, despite the fact that he’s hideously abused him for most of his life.

Endeavor like Victor, also abandons several children for failing to meet his expectations.

Part of Natsuo’s problem with Endeavor has exactly to do this sense of entitlement, Endeavor practically abandons his kids until they’re in their early twenties to the point where he wasn’t involved in their lives at all (and also separated them from their mother). Remember another point of the book is that Victor wants sole parenthood, to create life without involvement of a woman.

Endeavor does the exact same thing. He separates the children from their mother. Then while he is the only parent left in the household and effectively responsible for all of his children, he neglects most of them and completely fails to raise them.

It’s implied besides trying to teach Shoto to use his quirk, he’s literally pushed all of the housework, and actual parenting you know, labor that is involved in raising a child onto Fuyumi. Fuyumi has cooked most of Shoto’s meals, it’s Fuyumi who attends his school conference in the novels. Endeavor has effectively committed the same crime as Victor, creating life and then running away from it by failing to act in any way as the father to his own children. His sense of entitlement shows in his actions and the way he treats the people around him in his life, he uses them for his own ambitions and they get burned.

Endeavor is someone who has used all of the women in his life for his ambitions. Think Fuyumi, she grew up desperately wanting a family while having effectively no father and all contact cut off from her mother, and also had to take care of household chores and responsibility for both of her younger brothers. Think Rei, who has literally been institutionalized for ten years, and trauma from her experiences that haunts her to this day. Natsuo is someone who has no father, almost no relationship with his younger brother, and is still mourning his other dead brother. Shoto evens tates directly, he views Endeavor as someone to learn how to use his quirk from but hasn’t viewed him once as a father. Endeavor’s never been present as a father in Shoto’s life, despite controlling most of it and giving him all of the attention. He had ambition to pass his quirk from father to son, but never actually acted as a father.

Endeavor’s treatment of his family, and his reflection for his past actions is also shown using this metaphor for fire. All Might’s ambition to become the strongest hero for the sake of a more peaceful society, is also represented by fire. Especially a flame that he passes from one person to the next, that Nana passed to him, and he passed to Deku.

Endeavor is almost always associated with the more violent aspect of fire, when he thinks of the harm he’s done to his family it’s always juxtaposed to the fire on his face.

(The right side fire, the left side Rei’s suffering face.)

Whereas the more gentle associations with fire are almost made with Shoto. Once again the novel of Frankenstein doesn’t decry ambition, it merely explores the consequences of ambitions that were extremely self-interested from the start. Endeavor only wanted to be strong for his own sake. Shoto who wanted to become a hero like All Might who would never make his mother cry, and All Might who wanted to create a safer society are people with strong ambitions that are associated with gentler flames.

2. Dabi and Frankenstein’s Monster

Sins of the Father or Sins of the Fathers derives from biblical references primarily in the books Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Numbers to the sins or iniquities of one generation passing to another. Basically what it means is its a narrative trope where children are punished or suffer consequences for the action of their fathers. It can also mean that children inevitably reflect what their fathers have done to them, and even resemble their fathers.

Everything the monster does is a reflection of Frankentstein’s actions. Everything Dabi does is both a consequence and a reflection of Endeavor’s actions. They are both written as sons to be narrative foils to their creator. If anything Dabi is even more of a frankenstein’s monster than Shoto, because a key element to the narrative is that Frankenstein was abandoned for not being perfect according to his creator’s wishes, he was punished for a defect.

Touya just like frankenstein is a defective creation. One who suffers all of the consequences for what are his father’s sins. Endeavor deliberately took risks with his eugenics experiment that the child might have a quirk not compatible with their body, but it’s the child and not the parent who suffers all of the consequences. Toya literally died - whether he faked his death or not has yet to be revealed but he lost his home and family at a young age, spent most of his life homeless, and has to continually make use of a quirk that burns his entire body. Whether he wants them or not, his father’s sins are pushed onto Dabi.

The flame that Endeavor is so keen on passing to his children, has literally permanently disabled Dabi, and will negatively effect him for the rest of his life. Consequences that Endeavor ought to suffer are passed onto Dabi instead. Dabi is burned by Endeavor’s actions towards him.

This is once again something deliberately brought up by the book Frankenstein. The doctor creates life, takes absolutely no responsibility and leaves his creature to starve to death in the wilderness, and then the first time they meet again calls upon his creation to die.

“I expected this reception,” said the dæmon. “All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! Yet you, my creator, detest and spurn me, thy creature, to whom thou art bound by ties only dissoluble by the annihilation of one of us. You purpose to kill me. How dare you sport thus with life?

The decision to create life irresponsibly was Victor’s, but the person who suffers the brunt end of the consequences is not Victor, but rather the creature itself who just like Dabi has no home, and is constistently hurt by the environment around him.

Dabi is also a symbol of the worst possible aspects of Endeavor’s ambitions.

To compare Victor and the monster briefly. Victor

Has family / friends

Home / Money / Wealth

Arrogant / Well Educated

Self-Destructive

A tool

The Monster

Abandoned

Ignorant (at first)

Homeless

A tool, but a more sympathetic one.

As you can see they are societally complete opposites. This can be said for Endeavor as well, he still gets to keep his family, his place in society despite what he’s done, he’s wealthy, succesful and well-liked in his community. Dabi is permanently disabled because of something his father did, is legally dead, homeless, separated from his family, and is a villain.

While they are completely opposite in status, the monster and Victor are eerily similiar. They are both highly intelligent people who carry a strong ambition within them. The Monster basically learns speech, and reading all on his own, and as soon as he can be becomes as well-read as possible.

Fortunately the books were written in the language, the elements of which I had acquired at the cottage; they consisted of Paradise Lost, a volume of Plutarch’s Lives, and the Sorrows of Werter. The possession of these treasures gave me extreme delight; I now continually studied and exercised my mind upon these histories, whilst my friends were employed in their ordinary occupations.

The monster also shares several of his father’s sin. He repeats the sins that have been done on to him, in the name of vengeance. Frankenstein’s claim is that he was hurt when he was still an innocent, punished before he had done anything wrong, but he also does the exact same thing to VIctor’s youngest brother killing him when he was just a child.

Victor’s worst sin by far is selfish entitlement, forgetting to consider the feelings of his creation. Yet, the monster knowing how much he suffered by just being created in a world where there’s no one else like him also demands Victor create another creature. This is out of his own personal sense of entitlement, he believes he’s entitled to have someone love him, and if he had this he would be a good person again.

He believes quite literally he deserves an Eve to share his loneliness in. His own personal feelings of grief and hurt matter more than those of: one the people he kills, and two a potential woman who would be created only to love him.

But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed my sorrows nor shared my thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam’s supplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned me, and in the bitterness of my heart I cursed him.

The monster also feels entitled to punish Frankenstein, but in this reccuring sins of the fathers he punishes people who are completely innocent of the crime that Frankenstein did to him and have nothing to do with his creation, just to get back at Frankenstein. Including, an innocent boy, a maid who he framed for murder, Frankenstein’s friend, and also Elizabeth.

Dabi inevitably reflects his father and the environment he was raised in, and resembles him. Dabi who was raised by a quirk supremacist and thrown out because his quirk wasn’t good enough, kills people he doesn’t find worthy. Dabi’s methods are almost entirely based around his his individual strength because he was raised to believe that was the only good part of him. The same way Dabi was thrown out like burnable trash for failing to live up to his standards, Dabi will enact harsh vigilante justice and kill minor crimminals and heroes who fail to live up to his justice.

Just like for the monster’s actions in punishing Victor, Dabi is called to consider the feelings of family’s of the people he kills. He is also punishing people completely unrelated to what happened to him, in his efforts to hold his father accountable.

Dabi reflects his father, and quirk society the same things that burned him. He continually believes he has to be the strongest individually, accomplish everything on his own, and spurn others around him. Even those who try to make genuine connections with him like the league of villains. Dabi believes that the world has to be changed with the strength of ambitions of a single person, and his ambitions are far more important than the sense of family within the league.

Dabi effectively distances himself from two families, the found family of the league, and also his original biological family. Think about how much it might save Natsuo to lean that his brother is still alive. Shoto at least, doesn’t want to see his father roasted alive on live television.

Dabi’s ambitions are as self destructive as his fathers, as he only knows how to fight by completely burning his body up. He harms himself over and over again by using his quirk to try to change things.

3. Endeavor and Ujiko

The book ultimately poses the question who is responsible for the actions of the monster, Frankenstein or the Monster itself. However, I think an element missed in a lot of analysis is that the mosnter accepts that most of what he has done is wrong, he just wants people to be held equally accountable for their actions.

“You, who call Frankenstein your friend, seem to have a knowledge of my crimes and his misfortunes. But in the detail which he gave you of them he could not sum up the hours and months of misery which I endured wasting in impotent passions. For while I destroyed his hopes, I did not satisfy my own desires. They were for ever ardent and craving; still I desired love and fellowship, and I was still spurned. Was there no injustice in this? Am I to be thought the only criminal, when all humankind sinned against me? Why do you not hate Felix, who drove his friend from his door with contumely? Why do you not execrate the rustic who sought to destroy the saviour of his child?

The monster’s problem is not that he shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions, but rather that he’s the only one whose ever held accountable for his actions. The Monster also spends most of the narrative being treated as a monster, whereas Frankenstein faces no real consequences for what he’s done from the people around him, never loses his standing in society, never is cast out for his wrongs. Frankenstein continually avoids any and all responsibility towards the monster up until his death, and only takes responsibility in violently trying to kill his creation.

There are also oppurtunities for Frankenstein to take responsibility, which he chooses not to do anything. An innocent maid is about to be executed for a crime that Frankenstein knows she did not commit, and instead of trying to help her by explaining to everyone his creation of the creature, and also that the creature is likely responsible for the murder he says nothing. While not responsible for the women’s death, he is culpable in that he could have taken action to save her but didn’t.

Franketnstein’s actions are again and again always to run away from the monster and avoid responsibility. From the beginning he runs away from the monster due to it simply being ugly. Both the monster (and also Toya) were punished when they were innocent children who had not committed any kind of crime, by the person who was responsible for raising them, educating them, and giving them everything they needed to become happy adults.

“Remember that I am thy creature; I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed. Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous.”

While Frankenstein and the Monster both entitled, their reasons for entitlement come from entirely different places. Frankenstein’s comes from his own arrogance, believing that he’s destined to do great things, and be a man of status and accomplishment. Why men great till they gotta be great.

The monster believes he’s entitled to a family, because his father abandoned him, and he’s been homeless most of his life. The monster is violent, but only after he’s endured violence from people several times over. The monster is ultimately a victim of circumstance, and Frankenstein is the one who created that circumstance.

Considering Frankenstein and the monster are foils, there’s a reason that Frankenstein fears and abhors the monster before it’s even awake. It’s because the monster reflects the ugliness of his own actions. The ugliness in himself that he is completely unable to face. He is a negative character foil in a character sense, and a shadow created by Frankenstein’s actions.

The monster shows Victor what he is, selfish, entitled, and violent. Victor can’t ever confront the monster, because he can never confront those flaws within himself.

Dabi is a reflection of Endeavor’s violent, abusive nature. He is also the direct consequence of all of Endeavor’s actions. So the question is, has Endeavor confronted the monstrous side of his actions? The answer is most likely no, because despite doing things as bad as any villain in the story he still views himself as the hero.

Shoto even tells us directly. Endeavor the hero and Endeavor the father are so different they’re almost like two different people. Endeavor continuing to be a hero on the television and coming home to his family is not taking repsonsibility for his actions, not truly, because he still hasn’t accepted the worst of what he’s done.

In the narrative Endeavor currently feels guilt, and also a desire to atone but we’re also told again and again that atoning means taking responsibility and carrying everything. No building a house where his family doesn’t have to be around him and taking steps to distance himself isn’t taking full resposnibility because Dabi is still running around. Dabi is the embodiment of the absolute worst of Endeavor’s actions, the toxic environment that literally killed Toya, burned Shoto, and hospitalized Rei. I would say Endeavor still hans’t seen the worst of his actions because he still views himself as the hero, just the hero who has made mistakes. We’re shown this in foiling, the same way Fankenstein rejects the monster, Endeavor doesn’t recognize Dabi even though he is literally his own son.

The strongest evidence of this is Endeavor and Ujiko’s foiling. They are two characters who have a lot in common, they both used children as experiments in their attempts to create stronger quirks including their own family members (Ujiko experimented on his own nephew).

They’re both men of incredible wealth and status in society, who have deliberately used their status to cover up their cimes. Endeavor used his status to hospitalize his wife for years, he used his status to marry her in the first place, Ujiko uses all of his money and resources to find people to experiment on, and deliberately takes advantage of people in need by using his orphanage and hospitals to farm for materials to make his Nomus with.

They’re both motivated by their own personal ambitions. They also feel entitled, Ujiko’s specific issue is that the scientific community failed to give him the respect and funding for his research that he thought he was owed.

The source of Endeavor’s pain is that no matter how hard he works he’ll never become the strongest. The source of Ujiko’s pain is that nobody recognizes his work and achievements in his scientific community. They both want their hard work to turn into achievement, for their efforts to pay off, which again is not a bad thing until they get angry when they’re not given what they think they’re owed.

Ujiko and Endeavor both become so desperate to accomplish their ambitions that they manipulate people to become tools to fulfill their ambitions for them. Shoto has to carry on his legacy, and learn to use his flame side like Endeavor always wanted. They both create children that they are technically the parent of, but don’t act as fathers. Endeavor is responsible for Fuyumi, Natsuo, Touya, and Todoroki but fails to live up to that responsibility. Ujiko creates the Nomu, which just like the monster in Frankenstein are new life created from the corpses of other people, and then just uses them and disposes them as tools.

Ujiko even utters a line that is incredibly similiar to Endeavor in the regards to the way they treat Shigaraki and Shoto.

However how does Endeavor react to Ujiko? Does he understand the harm that he’s done in a new light? No, he falls back on his hero narrative. I am the hero, and Ujiko is the utlimate evil.

Endeavor so far, like Frankenstein, fails to truly confront the monster. Even when he finally realizes the destructive nature of his desire to be stronger than anyone else when he fights the Nomu, his response is to burn it alive. What is Endeavor’s response? To play hero, and defeat a villain.

The thing about jungian shadow arcs is that you don’t destroy your shadow, you reintegrated it. Endeavor can’t symbolically murder his past self because that won’t make his past actions go away, he can only accept them. The question now is: will he do the same thing to Dabi?

When confronted with who Dabi is and his role in creating Dabi, what will Endeavor’s choice be? Is he going to play the hero, and destroy the villain he sees in front of him. The same way he did with the Nomu, the same way he did with Ujiko, the same way he’s trying to do with Shigaraki (who is, you know a heavy parallel to his own son Toya, and another abused child).

Will Endeavor act as a hero, or the remorseful father he also is? That choice is utlimately what Endeavor’s entire character is written around, does he want to finally be a father or does he want to keep being endeavor the hero? What is more important to him his own ambitions as a hero, or the people he’s harmed?

Just like Victor, Endeavor’s entire arc revolves around Dabi. He is a hero directly responsible for the creation of a villain. Dabi would not exist if it were not for Endeavor’s direct actions. Not only that but his future will be determined by how he chooses to interact with Dabi once he knows the truth. Endeavor cannot truly take responsibility until he takes responsibility for Dabi.

#mha meta #mha dabi #dabi is touya #dabi #enji todoroki #endeavor #frankenstein #mary shelley's frankenstein #Sometimes you gotta wake up in the morning and decide to spend your entire day writing an incredibly long essay about classic literature

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you-did-well-moon · 4 years

Text

Sf9 reaction to s/o fangirling over someone else

Type: fluff

Word Count: 4695 haha 69 yes im a child

TW: insecurities, possessiveness

A/N: I don't think any of the boys would be extremely jealous in this situation. They might be a bit jealous and insecure. Ha, you’re going to see people who aren't in sf9 because the multi in me was taking over. Don't be afraid to talk to me and wash your hands clowns - Moon

Youngbin

Idol: Suho - Exo

All day, Youngbin had been reading the book you had recommended. You got that the book was really good. After all, that's why you had recommended it, but you had been ignored in favor of the book. You had tried everything from pouting and acting cute to annoying him by whining and continuously poking him, but Youngbin had a ridiculous amount of patience. You eventually gave up huffing and throwing yourself in the chair In front of the computer.

You opted to watch any video you could find on YouTube suddenly remembering a song your friend had told you to listen to. Shrugging your shoulders you decided to give it a chance because why not? Searching up the song called “Let’s love” and you recognized the person knowing he was the leader of a popular group and curiosity probed at you. The video loaded and you were immediately met with Suho’s handsome face and soothing vocals. You felt your mouth slowly open as you subconsciously leaned closer to the screen mesmerized by the man inhabiting it. Your head nodding along to the soft melody of the song.

“Wah, this song is so lovely and soothing, and he has such a calming voice. How can someone be so handsome yet so pretty. His face looks so serene he must be such a good leader”.

Youngbin has been reading the damned book on the bed behind you immediately looking up when he heard your words also recognizing his senior on the screen. He pressed the off button on the computer smiling innocently when you narrowed your eyes at him but pouting right after. He pulled you up asking if you wanted to go to the ice cream shop you had asked him to go to before. As soon as you stood up he would pull you into a chaste kiss slipping his hands under your shirt to rub at the soft skin under it before playfully pinching it laughing softly when you squealed and jumped away from him. He would cross his arms playfully glaring at you shaking his head childishly when you went to kiss him again.

“You can't kiss me until you tell me i’m more handsome than him because I’m your boyfriend and I should always be the handsomest to you. No? Fine you won’t even be getting a goodnight kiss today. I hope you’re happy with yourself y/n”

Youngbin would try to distract you when he saw you fangirling over someone else. Play fighting with you by avoiding your kisses and affections and acting like a child softly teasing you. Of course, he would eventually give in to you. Youngbin is not capable of saying no to you.

Inseong

Idol: Aron - Nu’est

You and Inseong were on the couch with him drawing on the journal you had given to him claiming his drawing skills were getting too rusty. Meanwhile you were bored out of your mind having given up on asking your boyfriend to spend some time with you a long time ago. You had even put your feet on his lap, but he shoved them off to rest the journal there, and you had leaned against him, but he gently shook you off because he couldn't draw well with you leaning on his arm like that.

You switched between channels with disinterest trying to find something entertaining. That’s when you stopped at an episode of “Problematic Men'', the show only catching your attention because Inseong had been on it before. Boredom slowly changed into interest when your attention was constantly drawn to one of the guests and idol, Aron. You found his nervous smile cute and refreshing, and you were very impressed with his academic achievements. You kept making little noises of surprise the more you got to know him, and you couldn't stop yourself from going “aaw” at Aron’s quirky yet cute personality.

“He’s so cute, look how his shoulders lift up as if trying to hide himself when he’s embarrassed. He’s so smart too and he got accepted into a famous university, but he still chose to do music. He’s so inspirational.”

Inseong had already noticed you looking at the idol with admiration, and he had to purse his lips to stop himself from saying anything. Shoving his face back into the journal trying and failing at trying to not get distracted by your sounds of awe at the artist. As soon as you said that, Inseong dropped his journal sputtering as his eyes flickered back and forth between you and the TV. He would tackle you ripping the remote from your hands and turning the television off. He clasped your hands in his pulling you so that the upper half of your body was on his lap. He leaned his head against yours, his wide eyes masked with seriousness holding contact with your own. He tickled you softly, smiling as your laughter rang around the room, not allowing you to move since he had trapped you against his own body.

“Has my girlfriend really been stolen by a man she has never met? How unfortunate, I, a man who loves a woman who doesn't love him enough because said woman is currently drooling over another man while her loving boyfriend sits right next to her. Ah I can feel my heart breaking”.

At first, Inseong would be shocked at you fangirling over someone else. He wouldn't even be able to form words. Inseong is laid back and rolls with the punches most of the time, so he quickly adjusted to the situation joking around with you while having some kind of physical contact with you.

Jaeyoon

Idol: Jaehyun - Nct 127

You groaned walking into the living room where Jaeyoon was already sitting on the couch assorting a variety of snacks on the coffee table in front of the couch. As you walked into the room, Jaeyoon looked up to give you his bright dimpled smile. You couldn't help but smile back at him gently running your hands through your hair when you reached him while you flopped onto the couch. You guys decided to have a date at your apartment instead of going out.

Jaeyoon laid down on the couch placing his head on your lap while pulling your hands back to his hair. You got a blanket from the back of the couch placing it mostly over him not really needing it since his body warmth was enough to stop any shivers from racking through your body. You guys didn't really plan on watching something specific, so after some convincing from Jaeyoon himself, you settled on watching the latest episode of weekly idol which featured Nct 127. Throughout the duration of the episode your attention kept getting drawn to the dimpled vocalist. Jaehyun who was undoubtedly handsome, but rather than looking at his features you found yourself laughing at his antics. It was particularly after an innocent dimply smile was sent to the camera after having finished singing wonderfully that you squealed out.

“How can someone be so hot but so cute at the same time, and oh my- his dimples. He is so talented too! He sings, he raps, and he danced so well too. He’s a total package!”

Jaeyoon would feel his eyes narrow, tongue licking his plump lips getting ready to put you in your place. He stood up blocking your view of the tv meeting your confused gaze with a devilish smile. He pushed you back laying you on your back on the couch, and he straddled you pinning your hands above your head. You looked up at him with wide alarmed eyes, breath catching when you saw him eye the soft sliver of skin exposed by your shirt riding up when your arms were lifted. Jaeyoon would lean in his nose almost touching yours.

“I don't think so love. Your heart belongs to me, and my heart belongs to you. Don't forget that. What are you doing looking at another man when I’m right here, your boyfriend, the tickle monster”

He would then stoop to blow a raspberry against your exposed skin laughing evilly when you shrieked and running away to your room. Jaeyoon would want to shock you a bit. Although it was all with a joking intention, there would be a small part of him that would feel slightly possessive.

Dawon

Idol: Jackson - Got7

You had accompanied Sanghyuk to a music show where Sf9 were going to perform since they had recently had a comeback. You were currently in the waiting room with various staff moving around in order to prepare the boys for the stage. You were sitting on the couch next to your boyfriend with your head leaning against his shoulder scrolling through Instagram since you got bored with Sanghyuk too excited about performing to really focus on anything you were saying.

He was still very much aware of your presence. His arms fit snugly around your shoulder playing with your hair, and his eyes flicking to study you every so often smiling softly when he saw you laughing at a random post you had found. You perked up when one of your friends sent you a post only telling you about how hard she had laughed while watching it. Your interest peaked so you clicked on the post recognizing the loud and social rapper of Got7. You watched as the idol reacted dramatically at a situation sitting on a table to get everyone's attention only for the table to break and Jackson with the broken part of the table in his hands with a shocked expression on his face as he looked at it. You couldn't help but laugh loudly immediately, grabbing Sanghyuk’s attention.

“How can someone be so funny, dramatic, and cute all at the same time. He looks like such a warm and open person. He’s so talented too, he produces his own music. “

You had whispered these words hoping no one would hear them, but Sanghyuk had heard them loud and clear. His shocked face would instantly turn into a scandalized one as he looked at you with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. He snatched your phone from your hands sitting on it and leaning away from you while you stood still shocked at how fast everything happened. You would get control of your senses tackling him while demanding for your phone and repeatedly saying his name as you sat on him. Now that he had you where he wanted you, his arms would wrap around your waist pulling you down against him making you have to rest your forearms on either side of his head so you wouldn't crush him. You were sure everyone in the room could hear how fast your heart was beating.

“I’m the only man you should be looking at, no matter what, I can make you laugh the hardest, I can make you smile the brightest and I can damn well make you scream the loudest, babe. Let’s see how funny Jackson is when you’re sleeping on the couch.”

Sanghyuk would feel so offended. Not seriously of course, but he would be one to bring it up the next few days and remind you of the crime you had committed. He really would make you sleep on the couch, but 30 would barely pass and he was coming to carry you back to bed because he worried your back would hurt.

Zuho

idol: IM - Monsta X

Both you and Juho were very busy, but you guys could not spend another day without each other. It had been too long since you had seen each other, so you decided to spend a day with each other in his studio. Even if you were working on your own work and not really talking to each other, it was enough just being together. You two were working on similar things since both of you were producers, but you were each working on a different project.

The company you were working with wanted you to branch out and collaborate with artists other than the ones already in the company. Specifically, they wanted you to work with a rapper since the song was in the R&B genre. You had suggested your boyfriend immediately, but they refused, so you were now begrudgingly searching for a rapper that would want to work with you. In the end, your company had to search for artists that were willing to work with you since you had no connections outside your own company. At least, they were giving you the choice to decide who you wanted to work with. The company had sent you different videos with each artist so that you could pick one. None of them really caught your attention until you came across one rapper with a velvety deep voice rapping into the mic like his life depended on it. You were hooked, you didn't even have to look at the other candidates.

“How could I even have the audacity to pick anyone else but him? He’s obviously an amazing rapper, and his voice perfectly suits my song. He has such a good stage presence and he’s a producer too?!”

You basically drooling over another idol was not something Juho expected when he took his headphones off to ask you whether you wanted to order take out now or later. Turning around in his chair he saw you staring at your laptop with your hands on your cheeks as if you couldn't believe what you were seeing. Juho felt his jaw tick as he leaned over you to shut your laptop so his form was towering over you since he was standing up while you were still sitting down. Your face was shocked and it remained shocked as Juho spun your chair around and picked you up throwing you over his shoulder. You were pretty sure if anyone touched your face they would draw their hand back because of how high your body temperature had risen. You began struggling questioning Juho on what he was doing before he made you settle with a light slap at your bum. He took you to the dorms where he threw you in the bed, and he looked at you with a pout and began whining as he dug his face into the crook of your neck nosing along on your pulse.

“If he’s such an amazing rapper why don't you go out with him. Don't look at me like that, you belong to me as much as I belong to you. First day we’re spending time together and you’re praising another man. Do I have to get an eyebrow piercing for you to look at me like that too?”

Juho is not having it. quickly talking you away from whatever has you fangirling over someone else. He would become whiny and passive aggressive with you definitely clingy for the rest of the day too. He would huff whenever you wanted to get away from him claiming that you had to pay for your crime by spending the day in his arms.

Rowoon

Idol: Mingyu - Seventeen

You were in the kitchen shoveling food into your mouth in alarming amounts as you scrolled through twitter on your phone. Rowoon was sitting in front of you also eating but having an important conversation with Youngbin. His eyes would shift over to you every few seconds softening at the way you seemed to enjoy his cooking. You had actually helped him with it even adding your own suggestion which ended up making it taste better than the result of the original recipe.

There were two reasons as to why you were eating so fast. One, the food was amazing, mostly because Rowoon had made it. Two, you and Rowoon were having your first date in weeks since you had both been busy and you couldn't stop the excitement from taking control over your body. You got distracted from thinking about the date, when your friend, a huge fan of the idol group Seventeen, sent you a post talking about how husband material one of the members was. You tapped on the link she had sent you watching as the tall man cleaned around the house and made food for the members your heart melting when you saw the bright smile on his face as he did everything. It was so domestic and sweet it make you coo at the screen.

“He really would be such a gentle and loving husband. He would be one to help you with house chores and oh my god he would be so loving and helpful with a baby. His food looks really good too”

Your earlier excitement would only fuel your admiration for the man on the screen, and it would also make you a bit louder than usual. The boys in front of you would halt in their conversation upon hearing what you said. Youngbin would grimace looking at Rowoon for his reaction, getting surprised when Rowoon slowly blinked at you. Rowoon knew exactly who had momentarily stolen his lover’s heart, but he knew one word from him and your heart would go back to where it belonged. In his hands. With a soft tone, Rowoon would call your name asking if you were ready to go on that date watching your eyes light up as you hurriedly went to wash your dishes. Rowoon smirked at Youngbin while grabbing your phone and slipping it into his pocket. The rest of the day, Rowoon upped his game practically running to open your door when getting off the car or placing his jacket on the ground for you to sit on when you wanted to sit on the grass at the park.

“You look gorgeous today just like any other day as always. Oh those cookies look good? Let's go get them. Are you cold? Take my jacket. Hold my hand so you don't get lost. It's crowded here.”

Any thought of any other man would simply slip from your mind with Rowoon around. He would ignore everything you said pretending he didn't notice and doing things that would honestly just make you forget about everyone else because his gestures were just too sweet.

Taeyang

Idol: San - Ateez

You were so concentrated on the screen in front of you not even the music blasting through the practice room speakers your boyfriend was dancing to could distract you. It was late, and you were both tired but you guys were determined. Recently, Taeyang had been trying to make his own choreographies, and he wanted you to help him which you happily agreed to since you were a backup dancer and had experience in that field.

You guys had gotten stuck in one part of the choreography, and it was in the chorus so it was important. It would have been better to go home and sleep coming back tomorrow refreshed and reenergized, but you guys were set on getting it done today. While Taeyang danced to the choreography you had already made seeing if anything came up, you were on your stomach scrolling through YouTube on your laptop trying to see if anything inspired you. Your clothes were sticking to your skin and you could feel beads of sweat dripping down your scalp, but you persisted. It was when you found a video of Ateez on a music show that you perked up. Your eyes were drawn to one dimpled person in the front recognizing him because your sister always talked about him. Looking up more videos of him, and you felt your jaw drop as you squealed out.

“His stage presence is out of this world. He’s one of the fiercest dancers I've seen in a rookie group. His moves are sharp and fluid. Oh- he’s not even a part of the dance line yet he’s so talented”

You didn't even notice the music turn off, and you certainly didn't see Taeyang stop in his tracks and stare at you with an unreadable look in his eyes. You were so focused on the video, you didn't notice Taeyang’s eyes staring holes into you until the video ended. You looked up from your laptop in order to tell him about some new ideas you had just from watching a few videos of San dancing, and you were met with Taeyang crushing a water bottle in his hands while staring at you with an unamused look on his face. His stare was so intense you couldn't maintain eye contact as you called out his name with a questioning tone. He began walking towards you with slow calculated steps, and you stood up still not being able to hold his gaze. Taeyang tilted his head taking your chin in between his pointer finger and thumb forcing you to make eye contact.

“I’m telling you this once and only once angel, you are mine. My hands are the only hands that touch you, and my lips are the only lips that get to touch your skin. Don't forget it, love.”

Even Taeyang himself wouldn't recognize himself as he was speaking. He just knew he suddenly felt a fire at the pit of his stomach that seemingly boiled his blood. He wouldn't know how to deal with himself after, so he would give you a cheery smile asking sweetly if you had any ideas. Whiplash is real with this one.

Hwiyoung

Idol: Felix - Stray Kids I was trying to find a mv where Felix actually has lines but I gave up jyp watch out im coming for u

You were sat in front of the Tv anxiously awaiting for the time to pass by as you turned your phone on and off to check said time. Hwiyoung was sitting on the couch behind you looking at you with a confused expression because you had refused to answer him when he asked what you were doing. Your Tv was already set on the YouTube homepage, and you bit your lip knee bouncing while you checked your phone for the millionth time.

Hwiyoung eyed the shirt you were wearing with a focused expression knowing the logo was familiar but not being able to name it. He jumped, scared at your shriek when you checked your phone because the time was finally here. Comeback time. You searched up “Stray Kids” and the music video came up making you shriek again. It suddenly dawned on Hwiyoung what was happening. You were getting excited at another group’s comeback. He saw how you looked at the screen with heart eyes, your smile big and bright occasionally stopping to let your lips part in a small “woah”. You were pretty calm until a certain someone showed up on the screen in which you shrieked again (Hwiyoung had lost count), and you clapped your hands satisfied.

“Oh wow look at his hair, it's purple and looks so good on him. I could listen to that voice every day and- are those his freckles? Oh look at him go, yes bubs, get those lines”

Hwiyoung would feel his heart sink, and he was scared. Scared because what he was feeling, he has never felt this feeling as strong as this. Insecurity. His eyes would look at you sadly watching as you beamed at the boy on the screen. He knew this was something he shouldn't be feeling insecure about, but he couldn't stop himself. He went to sulk in your bedroom flopping onto your bed and hugging your pillow. You didn’t notice him walking off. One the mv ended, you made little noises of happiness. You called your friend because she too was a huge fan of Stray Kids. She was also squealing to you about how good the MV was and how Changbin did well. You were walking around looking for your boyfriend to cuddle with and paused when you found him on your bed clutching your pillow with a frown on his face. You told your friend you had to go, and you fell onto the bed snuggling into Hwiyoung humming happily when he responded to your touch. You ran your fingers through his hair tenderly asking him what was wrong.

“It’s kinda stupid, but I got I felt bad seeing you smile at someone else the same way you smile only at me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I guess it took me by surprise” *nervous laugh*

You wouldn't fail to reassure him, taking off the Stray Kids merch in favor of one of his sweatshirts. Hwiyoung would be the one to get insecure when you fangirled over someone else, but it really wouldn't take that much to reassure and comfort him. He would be smiling and giggling in your arms in 5 minutes tops.

Chani

Idol: Dowoon - Day6

You were laying on your bed, arms starting to sting because of having to hold your phone in a weird position since you couldn't lower them. The reason being Chanhee passed out with his head on your chest. He was originally awake, but you running your hands through his hair seemed to have lulled him to sleep. You guys were supposed to go out on a date, but you weren't mad or annoyed at all deciding he was in dire need of a proper rest.

He had been so busy lately, and he had been working endlessly. You could feel your heart sink every time you saw him because his eye bags seemed to darken every time. You raised your phone a bit to glance at your boyfriend, heart softening at the sight of his cheek mushed up against your chest, and his face looking peaceful. You smiled softly nudging his cheek gently before going back to watching random videos on your phone. You jumped a little at the sound of a notification coming through your phone hurrying to lower the volume of your phone, so you wouldn't wake up the sleeping boy. Checking out the notification you saw it was an Instagram post from Day6. You wouldn't call yourself their biggest fan, but you did your best to actively follow them. It was a video of Dowoon getting teased by Jae, the younger boy giggling and firing back.

“Aw Dowoon really is just the cutest sometimes. Quiet but cute. Funny too. I wished they would let him sing a few lines. He’s been getting better with the vocal lessons he’s getting. He’s so much more than a drummer.”

Chanhee had actually been woken up by the notification sound earlier, but he thought you would have noticed he was awake. He was getting ready to whine and pull at your hand, so you could run it through his hair because Chanhee had sworn he’s never had such a good nap like the one he just had. Apparently, you were too distracted by a video on your phone calling someone else that wasn't him cute. Hah, the nerve you had. Chanhee really didn't like the feeling he got when you called someone that wasn't him cute. It didn't matter if it was a person on the other side of the screen or your own baby. He was the only one you were allowed to call cute, or anything else. He shifted to let you know he was awake. You instantly lowered your phone eyes lighting up when you saw that he was awake which made his heart flutter, but you still weren't off the hook. He saw the surprise in your eyes when he looked at you with an offended expression. His eyes were narrowed and eyebrows furrowed. He shifted so he was fully on top of you, still being careful as to not crush you. He shook his head letting his hair tickle the sensitive skin of your neck not stopping the squirming until you put your hands on him.

“I don't like it when you look at someone else the way you only look at me because that's the look meant for me. I’m the only you can call cute. Don't be mean and call someone else cute. I don't like it.”

Chanhee would be kind of surprised. He had never felt the need to be clingy or whiny like this. The grumpy expression on his face wouldn't leave even if you couldn't see it because his face was buried in the crook between your neck and shoulder. He would become happy again when you ran his hands through hair enough time to make him sleepy again enjoying the feeling of your body against his.

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