#i swear y'all come in and fuck us over then 70 years later tell us ' to get over it ' and ' why isn't india dealing with it '
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Alyse Reads The Goldfinch, Part 2
What follows is my best attempt at liveblogging. I had the books as an audiobook in hopes that I could keep it from taking even more of my life from me. This was perhaps a mistake. I think I broke Siri trying to make notes. The notes that are rambly are the ones I dictated.
I entirely blame @rollono for my suffering. But I am also aware that it seems to give her joy.
Every time I reference Tara, I am talking about @wellntruly who’s own live blog of the book was the only roadmap I had to follow in this waterlogged wasteland of a novel.
Part 1
I thought Tara was making up the Camel-hair coat bit but APPARENTLY NOT.
Architecture has that much to do with the city and or northern Europe, really? I mean, “whitewash” doesn't everybody do that?
Nina ( @proud-librarian ) is going to have a lot to say about their descriptions of the Netherlands and Amsterdam in this book. like oh my God!
Theo Deckard doesn't understand how thermostats work.
This isn't satire? I don't understand we're like three minutes in and it has to be satire. right. right?
Who the hell says my mother and I didn't like my father much? like what.... what is this? what am I reading? what is happening? what.... I don't understand.... okay maybe fine whatever
This feels like it should be... I don't know.... satire is the word I'm looking for again. I don't want to just repeat what Tara, said but Jesus. the start of the story is he is rich enough to have a Doorman but not rich enough to afford the fancy private school, and him and his friends break into vacation homes in the Hamptons. what is this? what is this? I just... just.... just write a Jane Austen or Lord Byron novel if that's what you want to do just do that. do that.
My audiobook app just turned itself off in the middle of a passage because it decided I didn't need to listen to Theo talk about whatever he was talking about.
Curse you, Donna Tartt, for also being in the "all things coconut smell like suntan lotion" club. I did not want to have this in common with you.
I am laughing so hard it turns silent into my steering wheel because the audiobook reader makes Tom Cable sound like a surfer dude from the 70s, and I. cannot. handle. that.
"I like to think of myself as a perceptive person" is basically the way that I know that Theo has about Harry Potter level skills of observation when it comes to the people around him.
Y'all this book would be so much better if Theo actually thought like a 13-year-old that he is supposed to be in the intro part. That would just be peak comedy, which is really what I'm looking for.
Audrey Decker and the Laura Moon from American gods are now the two people that I have ever known to call men "puppy" which I still find alarming, in both cases. Surprisingly they also both die, so I guess more things they have in common.
The longer this book goes on the more clear it is that I am not bougie enough for its contents. ( timestamp 30 minutes)
(GIF BY @rollono BY MY REQUEST FOR EVERY TIME THIS BOOK MAKES ME FEEL POOR)
I just can't suspend my disbelief enough to think that a 13-year-old would know this much about their parent's job and be able to ask questions. I'm trying to think of what my dad was doing when I was 13, and I mean I know where he worked, and I know who his boss was, but if you tried to ask me daily issues or me giving advice... oh my gosh. I just can't. nobody talks like this.
I’m making a face akin to Kermit the frog.
I threw up in my mouth a little at the description of Pippa walking past in the museum.
Did we just describe a 12-year-old girl's arms as marble? is that what just happened? did I just have to listen to that?
Theo has given me a lot of like “Golden State killer” vibes right now with his desire to poke around through all these people's homes and stuff. like this is clearly the Visalia ransacker's motivation in the 70s. I know too much about true crime, that's what's happening right now.
The true-crime serial killer alarms keep going off in my brain.
I know Tara already mentioned how ridiculous the Murphys bed story is but it really is incredibly ridiculous and breaks the tension of the entire scene that is occurring at the time (laughed uncontrollably to the point that Siri typed nonsense)
I get it, Donna, you know things. You do not have list every fire truck to prove it.
Let's take a child to a dinner at 3 am. Really Donna?
Why does Donna insist on giving me the text of signs around whats going on? Why did I just listen to the smoothie specials while an emotional scene is occurring?
Donna, did you just call Mrs. Barough a weasel? [afronted gasp]
OI! (me shouting when Donna says that Andy was weird for being lactose intolerant.)
Pukes in my mouth a little at the term 'high verbal'. I get it, Donna, you think you are smarter than all of us stop being a dick.
Donna Tartt would make it to r/iamverysmart in like a minute if she understood how the internet worked.
WHO TAUGHT HER ABOUT FMA?
Okay, so either Donna Tartt knows someone who lost a parent and basing this off them or like went through it herself because I am white-knuckling through the grief bits trying not to have my own trauma response to the situation. Or she wrote Theo with like the exact grief I had. Her incessant need to list things in a room is the only thing between me and a spiral of remembering my dad's death.
ANDY IS A RAY OF LIGHT AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN THIS FAMILY OR IN THIS BOOK!
Five whole hours before the first sight of Hobie. Like Jesus.
I miss Terry Pratchett.
Hobie thank you for making this book interesting again.
Hobie is now my main squeeze and I won't hear a word against him.
POE DIDN'T INVENT SCIENCE FICTION FUCKING MARY SHELLY DID. DONNA WHAT THE FUCK.
The Hobie part of the story just makes me more sure that a version of the movie should have been without the Baroughers (sp?) and only included Hobie and Pippa.
Any is a murderino. I love this baby boy.
Aw, I love Hobie so so much.
Donna if you call Andy annoying one more time you are gonna catch my hands. (She just referred to his voice as annoying twice in a conversation and I swear to god I will rip this character out of her snobbish clutches she doesn't deserve him.)
Theo on this we agree, I too enjoy Hobie.
Hobie is the only person who belongs in this novel and he's a god damn delight.
SEVEN HOURS AND THE PAINTING HAS COME UP AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LITERAL HOURS.
Theo straight up using Spanish to fuck over his father is just *chef's kiss.
I can see how much contempt Donna has for Xandra is longer and deeper than this book will ever be.
I am going to suplex Larry Decker I swear to god. (i have a very particular trigger to spouses bad-mouthing the dead one due to personal experience.)
Necco wafers are no one's favorite candy Donna. You can't just say shit like that and expect anyone to believe you.
I have just realized that Donna Tartt has never been to a public library. How do I know? Witchcraft books are never on the shelves. Ask any librarian. They are stolen pretty much the moment we buy them.
I am standing dead in the tea aisle at the store because Theo just thought it would be “gay” to tell the doormen he has known almost his whole life he is gonna miss them. (hours later I realize this is her backtracking in edits going "shit shit shit I have to add the repression in somewhere for those dumb readers that don't understand art" and I hate it more.)
Mrs. B is ready to physically fight Larry and I would pay real money to see it.
WHY DOES DONNA KNOW ABOUT DRAGON BALL Z?!? Step away from the things I love Donna I don't trust you near my media. (Also why she does reference it she clearly has NO concept of what DBZ hair would even look like to expect me to believe any child could achieve it.)
oh my god, Boris. I'm so happy to see you.
I am happy to report the audiobook narrator does not do an Australian accent for Boris. Thank the lord.
I knew I was going to love Boris but like a few minutes in I adore him.
It's interesting to me that Theo and Boris seem to have received similar amounts of attention/affection from non-parent adults, but while Theo finds it uncomfortable Boris soaks it in.
The Australian part of Boris's accent seems impossible.
*sobbing audibly into my keyboard* Popchyck
Boris you sweet like socialist.
Comrade Boris we need you in this election.
I'm sad he (Boris) doesn't get to go to college and like piss off every yuppie and hippie, and just make Philosophy 100 and Government 250 absolute hell for everyone.
Drunk Boris at Thanksgiving is a gift.
Me listening to this book before Boris: half paying attention, fucking around on my computer, doing chores.
Me after Boris shows up: staring at the middle distance determined to listen to every fucking word because this prison sentence of a novel is finally interesting.
James: you said the author is a snob and you aren't enjoying the main character.
Me: yeah
James: then stop reading it.
Me: No, then Donna and her Anna Wintour knock off hair cut will win.
James, frowning and backing out of the room: k sweetie.
6:30 am is too early to hear Theo Decker describe his bed as "our bed"
I WAS RIGHT. Boris belongs in college making every American white kid absolutely furious in every Poli-sci.
Larry Decker calling Theo and Boris his "kids" made my heart skip a beat.
So the nurse notices they don't have vitamins and smell but doesn't call child services. I mean I know that I learned that school nurses are less likely to call CFS on white kids than they are on black kids but like god damn.
The sheer salt of Theo refusing to learn the name of Boris’s girlfriend is so hilarious.
Now *this* is gay.
The truth is Theo is ready to cut a bitch.
Fellas is it gay to do shots while your boyfriend talks about his girlfriend?
Theo trying to set up Boris with like a nice polite girl who won't fuck him is fucking hilarious. This poor baby gay.
Theo (and Donna cuz she writes him) have never heard of learning disabilities and I will legit throw down.
LARRY IS A SCORPIO IN CANON?! I thought that was something from the fan fics. omg Ally hates this.
No one wears white sport coats Donna stop trying to make it happen.
Boris totally knows what's going on with Larry and he's just trying to look out for Theo because he loves Theo but oh my gosh Boris why do you make me feel so many feelings!
Please, Donna, I am begging you to stop telling me what the light from the sun looks like at different times of the day. I just can't take it anymore. Every scene of Theo in Xandra's house does not need the qualifier of what type of sunlight he is seeing. Some times fine. But every time?
My entire stomach just dropped when I realized what Boris has done, and I'm just I'm so sad. this is not how I wanna start my commute to work today.
I have just had my first moments of being very proud of Donna's writing, because long long time ago, in the same chapter, she had the bit about how Xandra will say "apparently" when she's being bitchy with Theo and now in a conversation where Theo isn't paying attention to her she says "apparently" to Larry and I just had to stop and say this, this is the writing I'm looking for Donna. This is clever and interesting and I LIKED IT. Stop making lists and do more of this.
Friendship ended with Book Boris, Movie Boris is my best friend now.
I don't understand how the director and the screenwriter of the film could move who said those lines and then not make it gay. Like, commit to your choice.
My mom: You finish that book yet?
Me, angrily: No.
My mom slightly worried: do you like it?
Me: unclear.
NEW CHAPTER!
Theo, I need you calm all the way down when you are looking at Pippa.
Love this lawyer. I want to be his friend.
God poor Pippa. All the shit she goes through and she still has to put up with Theo's weird obsession.
Theo, you slid right back into the serial killer habits in a second and I want you to stop it.
Oh god, I feel that in my soul. Like "no sir you have it wrong I look more like the parent I like best." (also I do look more like my dad. like way more like him)
I am begging someone to get Theo some kind of hobby or help or something so he stops acting like a victorian ghost.
I am gonna have to get the actual book so I can see what weird spelling is going on with the text messages. I just know its weird. The narrator does it in such a weird voice.
We spent so much time dealing with emotional issues and other whatnot that going back to the bit about the painting feels like a huge tonal shift in the book. I'm like staggering around confused.
Literally no one uses strawberry shampoo.
Love that Theo ‘s final plan is the one Andy purposed an eon ago.
Salty that Theo is getting the cool college experience that Boris would have crushed. I would have paid good money to watch him make the philosophy department cry.
[kermit in the car gif]
Yo! Theo struggling to deal with school is like exactly my semester after my dad died.
The adults attempting to force him into different living arrangements is so what we dealt with post my dad’s death.
Grisha! (Russians the only people I trust atm)
Tara was right, Andy's death comes off like a joke!
I gotta say, Crime Theo is my favorite Theo so far.
I don't know which serial killer Donna was channeling to write the parts about Theo being obsessed with Pippa, but it is just so intensely a serial killer vibe I cannot even begin to describe the look on my face; the feelings I'm having. I'm just like this man is going to kill someone. he's going to kill a lot of people. not only that it's going to be a lot of women because he doesn't view them as people. that's what I'm getting from this it's. Theo doesn't think women are people.
If Theo was on reddit he would be part of r/niceguys and r/iamverysmart.
If I have to listen to him drone on about his fantasies of Pippa for one more minute I will kill myself in the baking aisle of Aldis.
HES HOARDING HER HAIR?! HER UNWASHED CLOTHES?!? Please someone put him in jail.
[the sound of me throwing up in the frozen food section as Theo describes Kitsey]
Donna don’t try to act like you didn’t add that foreshadowing yourself about Andy. You crack me up you relentlessly snob.
How is Theo just The Worst all the time?
Theo freaking out because two gay guys know what’s up with him is just *chef’s kiss
Me having seen only the movie: Theo and Boris should get redemption and a romance run away.
Me now: [ gif of “Ive had enough of this guy” from IASIP]
I mean I understand that John Crawley was a coward in so many of his directorial choices, but the fact that he didn't put the second meeting of Theo and this Lucius guy into a crowded weird restaurant where they're both getting hit by the waiters as they go past is just the weakest move you could've made. because this makes it so much funnier.
I'm with Hobie.
honestly this book should've just been 20 hours of art crime and like to shave off a good 10 hours of LISTS because that's what 10 hours is. give me 20 hours of art crime. I would love to watch each sale happen that would've been riveting to read but instead.... this.
Bish, you like those earrings or I will cut you.
Theo salty, while Kitsey picks out new china, is so fucking hilarious.
him just like "why are we buying new plates when my job is literally to find plates that were made by craftsmen?!?!” but being too fucking repressed in his bullshit to say anything, so he just making some poor sales lady suffer.
my friend Ally: “Theo’s repression makes everyone suffer is a good summary of the book.”
Alternative version of this book that would have been 8 million times better: Theo gets into art crimes but is also a serial killer. We don't know the second bit but it begins to start dawning on us as women seem to disappear from his social circles and weird hints of thoughts about blood and rivers. Bonus points if it ends with him on the run from the law with his only vaguely criminal (by comparison to serial killer Theo) boyfriend. We are left to wonder if they will be gunned down in the chase or if perhaps there will be one more body to great the river.
Theo's textbook serial killer nonsense is only comparable to the sheer petty gay energy he gives off.
The power trip he gets from being like "hahaha yes I have bagged the ice princess who wanted nothing to do with me when we were kids" is just so gross and hilarious.
Theo realizing he is not the only sociopath in the room is just *chef's kiss.
Boris, did you really send some guy to just watch your ex?
Boris, I am begging you. You have made Grisha so upset.
Donna shying away from describing Boris comes off, if you don't know who we are talking about, as weird and slightly racist.
You have the internet Theo, you can look up when movies are going to start. You are not living on the moors.
HOW IS THIS BOOK NOT A SATIRE OF AMERICAN PYSCHO FOR PEOPLE THAT HAVE BONERS FOR ANTIQUES?!?
Boris returns. I have almost forgiven him for what he put me through.
Maybe "fuck you" can be our always.
*tries not to cry when I realize that Boris' friends have heard about Theo
bless Aneurin for everything he did for this reunion in the movie.
Why is Boris such a slut? Why will I forgive him for anything?
Is it gay to think about the guy you used to jack off as handsome when you meet each other again?
Genetics means those kids can't be Boris' unless his mother was blonde. (Theo kind of agrees.)
My soul has left my body at the concept of Boris having a wife and kids.
I'm not saying I endorse crime, I'm just saying a mobster front with a pun in the name is really on-brand for me.
Knowing what I Know. That Boris thinks Theo is gonna try to kill him when they go for the "surprise" just makes the whole thing so tragic and sad.
Boris and his dog REUNITED AT LAST. I'm not crying. I'm fine.
Interesting that the next story we hear is about Gyuri's dead "brother" right after Boris says that Theo is "blood of his heart, his brother". Like. I might not be the biggest history buff in the world but I know gay code when I see it.
I mean I knew this was gonna happen, but I can't help but feel personally betrayed by Boris once again.
Donna, stay away from stuff about computers. Your attempts to use them make me, a technology expert, cringe.
Boris like "you don't deserve this dog. I deserve this dog."
"Babe I get that you are a WASP at heart but I need you to fight with me like a Russian now." - Boris to his disaster husband
"Did I lie?" "YES" (me laughing so hard I'm practically crying)
why does no one in this book appear to exchange numbers or like airdrop contact info.
Does Donna think that people only have iPhones?
Ally who is CTRL F reading this book "'Every few hundred pages she's like 'oh yeah, it's modern times...they're texting and there's emojis!' Seriously, there was the mention of emoji's and my soul escaped my body for a minute because it had no tether to time or space" @aces-low
Off the top of my head, the name that Donna is not saying for this Horace to guy is Volkswagen.
Instead of being in the mob Boris should run an animal shelter.
Boris being Bitchy and jelly when Theo is talking to the German guy is just so cute. You two deserve each other with your weird shit.
If Donna wasn't a coward this book would have had Theo just getting eyeballs deep in art crime with Boris and his associates.
Adding a sin for making me listen to whatever that just was.
Things Donna forgot to list in "girl food": chicken wings, bread, rolls, other types of bread, garlic bread, a bit more bread, maybe cookies, eight more cookies, 20 more cookies, every type of chocolate humanly imaginable, jam, and barbecue ribs.
What do ankles have to do with being attractive?!?!?! this isn't the Victorian age!
(from Ally re this comment: “I'm now convinced that every day Donna sat down to write this book she spun a wheel with different years on it, and that's the year the book was set that day”)
I didn't mind Kitsey cheating on Theo, because he doesn't even really like her. Until just now, when I realized that Mrs. B knows about it and she's keeping it from Theo, and my heart broke into 1 trillion pieces. she is the closest thing he has to a mother and he realized that she kept it from him, and I should not be crying in my car before my special Valentine night dinner.
James just walked in during a part describing Pippa and goes "Men writing women, huh?" and I had to pause the book, turn to him and say "a woman wrote this" and he just looks at me like 0_0
Mrs. B clutching Theo's hand so he won't leave her alone with Smalltalk-old-man is honestly the cutest thing in this entire book.
Hobie being able to be spotted from a distance at all times! I have a friend who is 6'5" and we can find him in crowds so easily!
Perhaps the funniest moment of this book is Theo saying "if girls loved assholes then Pippa would love me". buddy I'm going to post this entire book to r/niceguys
I WANT MORE ART CRIME! Why did you make me listen to 15 hours of boring nonsense when we could have had ART CRIME!
I deeply enjoy Boris's commitment to being a dramatic goofball, falling to his knees just be annoying.
Movie Boris appears in a dramatic way. Book Boris is just like there and also shoving food in his face and walking out of the party still eating all the food he just put in his cheeks like a chipmunk.
Hobie just like "if you want to run off with your gay love i'll cover."
Theodor Decker you get back in there and make sure that thief stays away from Nicole Kidman she has been through enough already!
Theo, I know that you don't actually have brains for anything besides drugs, crimes, being weird about women, and your own ass, but you could at least listen when people speak.
Theo is such a mess. He doesn't belong in modern times. He deserves to be Jack the Ripper.
I know the narrator is saying croissant the "correct" way. But every single time it happens I'm so fucking confused because who just leans into a french accent that hard for a single word?
Theo offers an actual good idea that Boris is going to use later and they all look at him like he's crazy.
I know "my brand" is "man holding gun" but listening to Boris assemble a gun I'm like "oh goodness I need to lay down". *fans self
Theo suddenly "I have made a huge mistake"
It's interesting to me how reluctant Boris is to make Theo a larger part of the heist. Theo reads it as frustrating but I read it like a kind of care and affection. He doesn't want his friend mixed up in something he can't handle, despite the fact that he wants Theo close so he can get him the painting back.
I see now why the heist in the movie was so fucking confusing. You need the Horst stuff and like a bunch of other nonsense that does not translate well to screen unless you re-write all the connections, which John Crowley was not willing to do.
Really love the "women drop their mark the first time" bit.
me: Theo I swear to god stop being high and sick in your room and go get some actual clothes and medication or at least don't make me listen to so much of it
this book is not 30 hours long. its 15 hours of a book and 15 hours of Donna going "gotta get that word count up or people with think I'm weak". Please, Donna. I don't need to hear this one thing happen for so long. It adds nothing to the tone, the themes, the plot, or the ambiance. You are just writing words for words sake.
The first suicide note was so well crafted that I honestly want Theo to kill himself now. If he can manage to write the others pretty okay I will be happy with this ending.
Don’t think I didn’t notice that the ghost of a dead loved one appeared on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry who doesn't respond to "didn't you get my text?" with "my phone was dead" instantly?
me listening to Theo throw a tantrum at Boris because neither of them is capable of explaining themselves and like speaking as normal humans do: "It would have been better if Theo died"
Why must I be forced to listen to Donna make these scenes longer because these people don't talk like people?
Thud by Terry Pratchett does a much much better job of asking the question "can we trust our hearts and be the person we want to be?" And it honestly gives a better answer. And has you know, clever writing.
I thought it was like Over. I did. I was like "oh this is it wrapping up" ONLY THERE IS 30 MORE MINUTES AND I WANT TO SCREAM!
Me certain the book is over: i mean maybe this is a good ending
Me seeing i still have 30 more minutes: this is the worst book ever
This book held me fucking captive for over a week and all it left me with was like a few good lines, burning hatred for the main character, and the desire to go into Donna's home and rearrange all her stuff.
also, I now hate antiques. out of spite.
don't read The Goldfinch. it's not worth it y’all.
#jabberwockytalkies#words#donna tartt i just wanna talk#the goldfinch#alyse watches stupid movies#theodore decker#boris pavlikovsky#larry decker#xandra#donna tartt#this book beat me up and took my money and my will to put up with men
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